Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Dear Chump Lady, She ghosted me

missyouDear Chump Lady,

My cheater soon-to-be-ex wife of 10 years is ghosting on me. Well not even ghosting. At least ghosts make random appearances to scare the bejeezus out of people. My STBXW vaporized on me.

My poor little Match Girl filed for divorce a month ago. I am SO ready to move on with the proceedings. I just want this to be over. All (!) we have to do is appear together before the court with an agreed upon settlement document. Easy right? WRONG.

Whatever Cluster-B, etcetera, diagnosis (she’s NPD all-damn-day by the way) that I might bestow upon her in a futile attempt to untangle her skein of fuckupedness, I realize that it’s simply a legal matter now.

I have written her repeatedly and said I am willing to negotiate anything. I have never asked her for reconciliation, and I haven’t even seen her since D-Day three months ago. I even asked her via email for any lawyer’s contact info she might have so I can negotiate with them if she prefers. All I want is the divorce decree. Her response? Crickets….

I have been reading up on ostracism (silent treatment) by narcissists. The only thing I can fathom is that she wants to hurt me even more. (She’s the one who cheated and is now living with the OM, but okay.)

My question is simple: WHAT. THE. FUCK?


Dear Ian,

So, when you were served — who served you? There was no lawyer mentioned in any of the documents? What does your lawyer say? Surely they must’ve seen this sort of thing before. I think you’ve got a legal limbo situation and need proper professional help.

As to untangling the Poor Little Match Girl’s skein? Fat lot of good it will do you, but sure, I can take a stab at that.

You’ve ceased to be of use.

Welcome to the Discard.

I know it’s baffling. You’d think that people who start things (like hello, divorce!) would finish them. Clearly you’re new here.

Responsible communication, consideration of others, grown-up matters like property settlements — that’s no fun. She’s made her intentions known — she’s finished with you (for now, until she needs something), and it’s up to you to carry out her orders and attend to the messy little details. Run along and be a good chump.

That’s one dimension of the discard — chump clean up. The other dimension is the Joy of Thwarting.

For some reason, disordered people love to thwart. It doesn’t even matter if ultimately the consequences of thwarting fuck them over too — they LOVE it. They need the immediate gratification of the thwart. It’s power kibbles! Do you need something? Does she have your full attention? Good! Now she ghosts. Lest you forget, you’re a Little People and Little People can wait.

I’m pretty certain that she knows you’d like to finalize the divorce. Letting you have that (even if she started it), where’s the joy in that?

There’s so much to gain by ignoring you — power, kibbles, centrality — and so much to lose by facing you — your anger, the actual work of hashing out a settlement, facing the loss of cake (divorce is so… final… let’s keep it in limbo awhile, shall we?) There’s not much upside to her being in touch.

My guess is it will be messy. Your lawyer will have to force some kind of reckoning. She’ll get all huffy and indignant. Eventually, you’ll get your divorce though, Ian. She’s just going to torture you awhile longer because she can.

It just makes your new life that much sweeter to have her gone. Trust me on this.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I am no lawyer. But wouldn’t she be held in contempt of court if she didn’t show at the divorce hearing? That is what my divorce lawyer told me would happen if I hadn’t responded to my (now ex) wife’s divorce proceedings.

    And yeah, this smacks of a power-play.

    • Ian, I’m sorry you are among the ranks of experiencing various tactics the personality disordered use to continue their abuse and manipulation of us. I’m no legal expert by any means, but there is a very specific legal process governing divorce. You should look into filing a counter-petition to keep your case alive since your STBX is not responding nor moving forward with the proceedings.

      • I agree with you. It’s exactly two years since I started divorce proceedings (thanks to CL). It’s also thanks to CL that I knew that having started that legal process to have no more contact with the XH. There was no need to ( no children). So when XH contacted me after he was notified of divorce proceedings. Silence. When he didn’t return signed papers, it was the solicitor who contacted him. (XH claimed not to have received papers…)

        I didn’t understand why he was frustrating the process when he was ‘happily’ with the OW. The Joy of Thwarting explains it all. It was the last battle and XH was hanging on to the last bit of power he thought he had. Tenacious solicitor didn’t take shit from him ( said he’d never encountered anyone like XH!). Divorce went through straighforwardly although I had to pay for it. XH claimed not to have any money. A lie but it wasn’t worth financially or emotionally challenging it. Freedom at any price. So Ian, don’t contact Ms Mindfuck, let the lawyers do what they do best.

        • ….should have been posted to FinallyAwake although do agree with you too Over and Out.

    • My ex ghosted too. In my state you can do a divorce by publication – hideously humiliating but it gets the job done. Chump Lady is spot on – they ignore until it doesn’t suit them, then they rage, deny, and threaten. Pathetically predictable if it weren’t so scary sometimes. Maybe your attorney will have advice on how to move things along. Best wishes. It does get better.

    • This one is easy. I know how to do this in Texas. Check with your lawyer to see if it’s the same. File a counter-petition. You then have to serve her with the counter-petition. In 21 days if she fails to file an answer, you can proceed to get a default divorce. This is good if there are no kids or property. It just frees you. So tell your lawyer that’s what you want to do so you can be the counter-petitioner and get divorced on the original 61st day after filing — at least in Texas 🙂 Good luck!

  • Isn’t writing to her and giving her all this attention kibbles?

    The lawyer I contacted told be to eliminate all emotion once the decision is made, from the moment of filing it is business only.

    Have all communication be via lawyer, it will be more expensive but it will save you a world of hurt and will ruin her fun. Just imagine you are already divorced and move on accordingly, otherwise she has you by the short and curlies.

    • Finally….’eliminate all emotion’…. All I can think of is 2 things: easier said than done and if only that were true!
      What’s with the ghosting? The XPOS did that too. I can’t blame it on him having guilt because he connects with no one on any emotional level….emotionally barren. Ok…I think I just answered my question……ghosting = no connection.

      • IHH, I agree that “removing emotion” is not something I’m capable of. My ex definitely was, because he became a robot whenever we communicated throughout the settlement. However, I was never able to flip a switch and take emotion out of anything. It sure would make life easier if I could!

        • Boy the emotions sure get in the way even after over two years of this clusterfuck and two months post divorce. Guess its just really hard to believe all this shit happened and the person you trusted the most completely screwed you over. After i move im definately getting counseling im gonna need it. It is hard to roll up 30 years and just chuck it away. So many memories. I cant wait to finally walk away to absolutely no contact. I have to be nice whilst hes refinancing the house he can be very vindictive and could be violent. So im playing the game, yeah i will be nice and of course baby we will still be the best of friends! When i drive out of this gate for the last time hours away i leave everything i ever felt for him here on this property he has tremdous guilt and frankly i hope it kills him unless the whore does it first when she finds out the love of her life, her bestest bestest friend man whore is cheating on her with multiple women having unprotected sex. Hahaha. They both will get what they deserve.

      • I get that but………… I met with the lawyer and spent time bitching about him of course and she kept pulling me back- “this is a business transaction, you’re wasting your time” I actually found that very helpful in keeping me focused. I’ve been saving the emotion for the therapist and friends, any divorce proceedings are business so I’ve been trying to wear my professional rather than my personal hat for that aspect.
        It’s also helped that I work in sales, so I try to think like a salesperson for that which involves strategy and negotiation as well as being suspicious of the other persons actions and trying to plan ahead.
        Then I have a cry in the car.

        • I’ve gotten quite good at crying while driving, you are not alone FinallyAwake. I find a nice corner of a mall, and let it flow. After 14 months of the truth, I’m getting more efficient.
          Yeah me.

        • Sounds like your lawyer has your best interests at heart. The emotions get in the way of our progress with legal matters and that ends up costing more money.

  • Chump Lady is right Ian, at this point your stbxw will torture you any way she can for as long as she can. Screw the money its gonna take to get it over with! satan delayed my divorce for 3 years! Three years! Lawyers cost lots and lots of money! And we weren’t millionaires…so…what was the delay? satan didn’t want a divorce…he wanted cake – and he wanted me to shut up and just be his good little chump like I always had been. He filed contempt charges on me – which proved to be unfounded and so dropped…but…it cost more money…ugh.

    Ian, TODAY is my 1 YEAR anniversary!!! After a 3 year battle (and tons of cash I could have used in other ways) my divorce was final 3 February, 2015!!!!! YA!!!!!!

    Hang in there Ian!!!! You will be free!!!!!

    • The date doesn’t matter Jeep, I’ll thrown the confetti for you and shout Woo-Hoo!

      • I’m gonna join you AllOutofKibble!!!! 🙂

        YA for ALL OF US! We are FREE or SOON WILL BE!!!!

    • Congratulations!! Being divorced from a cheating cluster-B wackjob is truly the best gift you can give yourself! 🙂 Every day thereafter you feel like you have a brand new lease on life–I feel like the world is my oyster (nearly 2.5 years out for me). And you know what? It just keeps getting better as more time passes!

      • Amen to that Sara!!!! 🙂

        It does just keep getting better and better! I wake up smiling now everyday now!

        • Waking up smiling??…oh, I can’t wait to get there. I found out today that my STBX has been stalling for six months making me believe that he was working on a settlement. HA! Fucking LIAR! He’s done nothing! My lawyer gets a call tomorrow! “Let’s go ahead.”

      • It’s nice to hear from those of you that are on the other side and doing well. I needed this today.

    • NO NO they don’t want a divorce!! You know, good Chumps are hard to find! We were the best Chumps, confused and dancing, while they gobbled up cake, and told us how we belonged together!
      Ah, the memories.
      Congrats on your 1 year of a New Life, happy for all of us that escaped the Cake Store!

      • My cousin said it best shes now divorcing her husband of thirty years for multiple cheatings and he dont want to let her get away either like mine. Fucking cake eaters she said and control freaks both hers and mine. She said both of our exes just want to control us both but both have moved in and on with their whores. Why, why why do they still want control? Mine and her ex have moved on to bitches who do their very bidding and worship at the exes feet like they are some kind of god. My cousin and i are not like this. We both thought we married fair and equal partners and thats what we thought we had so why the fuck do they still want to control women who wont worship at their feet when they have new women who do? Arrgghh!!! Never again the cost is too high. Im getting y sanity and myself back ill not ever lose it again.

      • You got that right FreeWoman! satan told me after the divorce was final that he couldn’t replace me. Uh…guess you should of thought of that huh!

        Ugh!!!! Yes we are soooo lucky to be free of them!!!!

  • Process servers make a career of finding these losers so you don’t have to. Pay someone and get it done.

  • Always about cake. Asswipe never ever in two years even brought divorce up then when I finally filed he was all for it. Guess I was supposed to be the bad guy. See she divorced me! Asshokes the lot of the. Fuckers!

    • kar…..I always say that XPOS wanted me to be the bad guy too with leaving. He disconnected with me for over 2 years at the end but kept blaming it on other things.

    • Yep, I had to be the bad guy too. I even had to tell the kids while he sat there like a lump. See how mean mommy is? She divorced me. It leaves me in the position of constantly saying “these are the consequences of his actions” every time they tell me how rough it is on him living so poor in his tiny house. Then I remind them that he makes twice as much money asme and ask “what do you think he does with all that money?”

      • During our divorce proceedings, X sent me a family photo from our beach vacation (when he was already courting his new target and I had a sick feeling in my gut) and texted that I was “squandering the chance to regain my family!” That’s right, I am not interested in having you as “family” any longer. Fuck you. (Actually my response was crickets, but I often write out my angry responses on a separate note for my own satisfaction). Lord knows what pix he sent her on that trip.

        • Great strategy to write out your response, CRHCHK, but not send it (because..kibbles).

          Perhaps if the jackass hadn’t “lost” his family because of his wandering willie to begin with, there would be no need to plead to “regain” it. Instead, you “gained” a cheater-free life.

          • Hi, I’m still really really confused how anybody can look at the Divorce from one of the spouses, when everybody knows he cheated. I NEVER thought I was the bad guy. I felt empowered by serving first. Incredible triumphant. If there is shame in being the one that filed, for reasons stated, I don’t get it.

            I kicked ass right from the gate.

            • If HE had filed first, I would have been completely humiliated. It would show he just wanted to throw me away for no good reason, other than he wanted his freedom. Anyway, I’m glad all the divorce statement of facts, is the public record about this cheating. Which he signed, for some reason. In a no fault state, he didn’t need to agree with any of of it and also he didn’t realize I could still use my story to influence a judge, if it were to go to court. Stupid him and stupid lawyer. HA!
              Even his mom can read it now.

            • I’m with you, SheChump–I marched myself down to the courthouse at 9 a.m. on a Monday and filed pro se because I felt empowered by doing so. There was NO way he was going to cheat on me, lie about it for 8 years, and then be the one to leave. I was determined to throw HIM out.

              • YES, it made us mighty Tempest. I didn’t feel mighty doing it, but dammit, it was the right thing to do for me.
                It was obvious it was an exist affair and his meany ness was getting so bad..

                I KNOW people wonder what caused me to do this.
                WHY, this LT marriage ended so shortly.

                But, back in my shooting emails and phone calls to numerous people, and his entire family during the early days…as well as strangers in a super market..I had the narrative out there about what happened. I’m sure I wasn’t hard to believe.

                Thankfully, (nice guy that he was) phoned everybody and told them the truth – that he ‘had’ a
                And, it matched what I said, but he didn’t go into details with his mom about the witch moving into my house every weekend I was gone.

                That is too much for a mother to absorb about her golden child.
                (we talk regularly now, and that’s because she knows the truth is real about him)
                How painful for a close MIL to deal with. Her ‘daughter’ is suddenly gone…and her boy, well, I don’t even know if she has a clue where he’s living – gone ingognito on many folks…

    • Yup, I was the one who had to tell the children, I was the one who had to get a lawyer and file for the divorce (the idiot was too stupid to get a lawyer, and I AM a lawyer). I was the one who had to work out all the details, down to how he should get served (he wouldn’t tell me where he was living post – D-Day), and in the end getting the notary when he signed the property settlement agreement.

      But oh, it was worth to be free of such an appalling person.

      • Yes indeed. He got mad when i starting telling people and had the nerve to tell the truth. He said his personal info was nobodys business but his. Correct except i was part of his business and i wasnt lying like he did. The thing he hates most is liars nd being lied to and he lies all the time. He will continue to lie and cheat and screw other partners over. Their bad luck to come in contact with this lying demon from hell and hes so matter of fact and smug about it and my fastly growing indifference to him and his wonderful self is pissing him off! He always hated ass kissers and worshippers but thats what whore juice ad her whore family is doing. Ass kissing and worshipping at his feet. His children family and friends has lost tons of respect for him and he doesnt get why? And cant understand why i want nothing to do with him and never want to see his ugly face again and why cant i love and respect the whore like he does. These fucking assholes just dont get it! He not a bad guy and im silly and stupid for not wanting to stay really good friends! W.T.F!

  • IanDubito–CL is right on. I just finished this with my XH. We’d been married a little over 15 years when I discovered the affair. It took me a couple of years to line up my ducks, and what should have been a straightforward divorce dragged out for 18 months.


    Because my XH responded the same way your STBXW does: crickets. I know that my XH likes the status quo. Change is scary (kibble supply diminishes). Also, change takes effort.

    CL’s point about the lawyers is a good one. Lawyer up. Get a plan together. Initiate every single legal step that will lay the groundwork for the most favorable settlement you can get under the laws of your state. Get a court date.

    Assuming you’re in the U.S., going to court is the nuclear option, as you can never tell how a judge will decide in your particular case. It’s much better for divorcing couples to arrive at a settlement they present to the court, not have the court arrive at the settlement. Some Chumps here have reported that they’ve been able to mediate successfully, but many of us have not.

    Working with your lawyer to set the groundwork for a successful court date is your best bet at this point. Otherwise, if you proceed with the assumption that she’ll be reasonable, you’ll end up spending more in legal fees as she drags things out.

  • I’m no lawyer either, but in California, one party files the petition which is assigned a court date and has it served on the other spouse. The served spouse has 30 days to file a response to the petition which is then served on the petitioner. Usually at this point, when the petition and response have been filed and served, the settlement negotiations begin. But there’s still an assigned court date to prod things along. My understanding is that if no settlement is reached, the parties show up at court and the judge starts swinging the gavel. If only one party shows up, then an uncontested divorce can be ruled on by the judge. The party who shows up (that would be you, IanDubito) gets whatever has been requested in their response.

    Could be she’s waiting for your written legal response. Or she could just be a mess, who knows. Even if you think your divorce is a simple one, go ask a lawyer for help. Lots have low- and no-fee consultations.

  • I’m confused Ian. Are you sure she filed? Were you served with papers? If she did file you should have been served with a Complaint for Divorce. If you haven’t been served, she didn’t file. If you want out and kudos to you if you do, then go get yourself a lawyer and file yourself. Why wait for her to do it?

  • Great points as always, CL!

    Ian – So sorry you have to go through this, my experience with the discard phase has been horrendous. The gap between what my X said he wanted and what he did afterwards widened from DDay to when I informed him we were divorcing to finding a lawyer to going through the settlement process. I had to drive the whole process forward, providing documentations, reviewing terms with my lawyer, he would then say something needs to change, be vague about it just to drive lawyer costs up, it was a nightmare, but now it is over, and it feels great to have detangled myself from this wingnut.

    Do you have a good lawyer? Get one that is specialized in high conflict cases.

    Do you have kids with your STBX? If so, be ready for more drama from her. She might be silent for now, but when she realizes that you intend to follow through with the divorce, if she is anything like my X, drama/rage will be coming your way, you need to be ready for that.

    One of the things I did with my X was to send him a proposal from my lawyer, and state in my email and if I didn’t hear from him by Date Y, I would consider that he agreed with these terms and would move forward to file these terms in court. That got me answers every time.

    CN was super helpful in helping me manage the drama as much as possible, as was Bill Eddy’s books and articles on dealing with high conflict people –

    Hang in there Ian!

  • Ian, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I remember how angry it made me when my husband wanted a divorce, then drug his feet on finishing it up. By the end of a year I was practically begging him to settle. Living in limbo is the pits.

    Even though my ex was supposed to close out the bank account, I had to do it. There were lots of loose ends to tie up that he was “too busy” to deal witn. He also knew I was desperate to move out of my friend’s house and into a place of my own, so at the last minute he started changing his mind on some previously agreed upon stuff. It’s absolutely maddening. I remember placating him just to get the damn thing over with, while telling myself I needed to do whatever was necessary to be free of him. AAGGH! Just thinking about it makes brings back the sense of frustration.

    Anyway, part of their strategy is to make you so frustrated for forward movement that you’ll give in to their demands. Please be aware of that. More than once my lawyer had to appeal to the court for a response. I hope you’re not trying to do this on your own and have good legal counsel. I agree that you should let your lawyer be the one to deal with your ex, so you can remove at least one layer of frustration from your life.

    Hang in there! You will get through this.

  • Maybe it’s different in each state, but when I got divorced, he filed so I didn’t even have to show up. My lawyer represented me and pretty much emailed me a few hours after court and said I was a free woman. Maybe it’s different elsewhere . . .

    But yeah, the silent treatment is fun. My guess is she does want to hurt you more. Why I have no idea. Or maybe she feels a little shame at what she’s done and can’t face you, but saying shame is a feeling a narc can actually have is a stretch.

    Oh and the Joy of Thwarting (Holy Crap I love you CL) . . . this really is a thing. My X did so many incredibly stupid things during the divorce, I won’t how he hid his ineptitude for so long. He thought he would end up with the house, dog, cars, etc. You know what he got? He married his cheating hole and he lives in a cinder block apartment in a shitty little part of town. I got everything. I won’t bore you with the whole thing because other chumplings have miles of fantastic stories for you about this very thing.

    But once you’re past this, you will really breath a sigh of relief. Eventually, I think she’ll contact you again because she’ll need something, then you can ignore HER.

    • Rumble…I hear you growl. The X and his pompous, high-priced attorney thought they were good and, at $500+ charges/hr for every meeting with his attorney, mine cost $150/hr – small town (Pit Bull)lawyer, who they figured they could snow over. She was a one man show, doing all her own typing as fast as I could talk.
      I love her.

      I think X tried to cut corners and missed some important details because he didn’t want to pay his attorney anymore than he had to. (btw, I loved his attorney – he seemed to be on my side and got me a good deal also, odd – huh?)

      a) They failed to catch Spousal Support in the event I remarried. Like, wha?? It’s til I die..

      b) His idea was to move the pathetic example of a witch, into my home as he slowly tried to push me out over a 2 yr period. Yeah, started looking at homes, I was so confused, but he was really pushing me. (I knew nothing then and didn’t think to ask – chump) When DD happened, he said: “I just don’t want to lose my house, my dogs, or the respect of My Mother. “I said, how about your fat wife?”

      Boy, did he ever lose all of that reputation he built up over the years.

      I wonder how he feels about not being the King of the Hill anymore. And, publicly shamed.

      I’ll give him credit for getting the motto of ‘the truth will set you free’, and he’s had to call a lot of people to tell that too. Kinda of admitting you’re an alcoholic or something. Repentance?

      I just bombshell him with yet another friend of his and his wife. Known them 36 yrs and we’ve all been married the same time. Good farm-boy friend with high morals. College buddy.

      I found his wife on FB and told her I had some news as they keep sending cards for NY, etc.
      So, he’s gonna have to call this guy back.
      Wonder what he’ll say?

  • My stbx started filed for the divorce. Then dragged everything out.. he fought for custody of our 17 and 3/4 daughter…..just to take me to court. He took me to court over my kitchen aid mixer, steak knives and meat tenderizer….and a rusty bike….just to take me to court. He dropped my car insurance twice. His lawyer dropped him….and we spent 2 years of him representing himself…..THAT was a clusterfuck…him playing attorney. I pushed…and pushed for dates…I’d get a court order…he’d be in contempt….did let things go with that because it was useless to hold him accountable.
    Get an attorney….let them do your talking. Yes…isn’t will cost more. In our state you have 2 years from filing that it can be in limbo before a decree is granted.
    I am entering my 4th year…..I just got my settlement check YESTERDAY…. Praise the Lord…..but we are still married and he is fighting over my grandmother’s quilts and teapot collection and anything else he can think of to drag this shit out. It’s lunacy.
    The girlfriend is all moved in…been using all my stuff for a year…. and he still would not settle.

    Divorce in this twattwits is a nightmare. Stay here….vent….ask questions….keep your sanity.

    But Lawyer up. NOW!!!!!!!! Good luck.

    PS…my divorce was so brutal…..that when I went to a new attorney….they offered me a job because I had so much knowledge of the law….. so…now I help other chumps when they walk thru our doors.

    • Wow, way to make lemonade from those lemons!
      And believe me it helps to have someone who has been there on your side.
      I didn’t find out until the end of my mediation that my lawyer was a fellow chump but it sure explained why she was sooooo good.

      • In a week….I will be enjoying that lemonade in a beach with a much needed vacation.
        It’s been a long time coming.
        This divorce….the affair….the person I was married to but didn’t know….has taught me so much. I didn’t think I’d make it. I thought so many times I can’t do this…..but I kept getting by day by horrible day….until one day led to two days….three days….a week of not so horribles.
        Chump Nation and this blog kept me sane.

  • Ian, my case had similarities to yours, specifically the ostracism from my now ex-wife. In addition to the betrayal and major hurt from the affair, then I got the ostracism. “WTF” was also my response.

    I said to myself…the hurt from the affair and the future of my now broken family wasn’t enough to deal with but now I get the silent treatment? Why are you punishing me even more? WTF!

    In retrospect, or at least in my case, I was dealing with a major passive aggressive coward who was extraordinary emotionally immature and emotionally abusing me. There was just no changing that. I know now that it was all about kibbles and cake, that’s it. Don’t give her either. Take your energy and keep investing it in your well-being instead of untangling her skein, trust me on this.

    • These were my exact words to my STBX. But of course, the answer was *crickets. My therapist told me that it was because I exposed him for who he really is. His two adult sons were told and he had to inform the office staff where I was also employed ( along with his two sons ) why I was no longer there. His image is tarnished. And for that embarrassment and narc injury, I had to be punished in his warped mind.

      • HLMHLMN- Yup your therapist and you are correct! It would of been nice to know that at the time. I was just too hurt to figure it out. I just kept dancing for her. How humiliating.

        The hardest to swallow was I never allowed anyone to treat me like a door mat ever. But in this case I did. None the less what I learned was once you let someone treat you like a door mat, they will continue and continue to step on you. Best to stop them right from the get go.

      • Thanks HLMHLMN! That advice is really helpful. I keep thinking he can be shamed into doing the right thing but it is just Narc injury that will backfire. My X is so passive aggressive he lets his attorney play the bad guy, role while he acts like a timid forest creature. It’s such a hard lesson but I will try to remove emotion from it. It helps to think of him like an ATM machine, and expect no sensitivity from him.

        • Tahitibound right on! Living with a Passive Aggressiveness wife was pure hell even before the D Day discoveries. Now you mix that personality disorder with a heavy helping of bad character, throw in a several gallons of selfishness, and about a million dashes of entitlement – whallah – The giant shit sandwich is now served, LOL

          • Narcs are covert aggressive, not passive aggressive. The goal is aggression, cloaked in plausible deniabity (image management). Passives don’t have any balls.

    • Add me to the list, SureChumpedaLot. She’s just gone, totally replaced me in her life (after 25 years and two kids together) in a matter of a couple months. I’m trying to go NC, but damn it’s hard, I want some closure, some understanding. But CL is right- I’ll never get it. So I’m trying to learn all the lessons CN has to teach me, and I’m getting counseling, and taking the lexapro. I just have to trust she sucks, always will suck, and that there is a better life out there for me somewhere.

      • Me too, just replaced not by better but different i was told a lateral move, by a whore who sleeps with married guys, is a sick bondage bitch type, worships the ground he walks on, will do anything to keep him and i mean anything and has boatloads of money. Sure is sad too know i was replaced mostly cause of money. When she figures out hes there for the money mostly and she finds out about the cheating hes doing on her look out. Never fully realized how much something like this hurts. But it does and wil for sometime to come. Maybe one day i will find a nice male companion who is compassionate and supportive and doesnt have ice in his veins, shark eyes and is open to real understanding. Im not hopeful but a nice guy as a really close friend would be nice.

      • oaktree,

        As you mentioned, keep on following CL/CN as it gave me the gift of seeing things as they really are – Trust that she sucks, because she does. Really she does. That frame of mind just stays with me now.

        Don’t try NC just do NC.

        Closure? What the fuck is that? You will never get that from her oaktree.

        I’m 3 years divorced now with 3 kids (12,13 &14) and trust me it gets better. It gets much better!!! Shit it’s going to get even better!!!!

        Remember… “great oaks grow from little acorns” – you are starting small but you will get mighty.

  • In Texas, you have a problem if the petitioner won’t set a hearing date for the bench trial or sign the final decree. One way to get around that is for you to file a counter-petition for divorce. As the Counter-Petitioner, you would have her served as the Counter-Respondent. If she doesn’t file an answer, you can then set the case for a hearing and ask for a default judgment.

    Filing a counter-petition puts you back in the driver’s seat. No more pleading emails – you are in control of the case and your life. Whether she responds or not is HER choice. Talk to a lawyer soonest. Large metro areas usually have public law libraries. In Texas, the website has information and forms for self-represented litigants. Other states have similar websites.

    CN’s point is that you have to take back your power. It is our bitter, bitter experience that the disordered enjoy the delicious gratification of the thwart, even at their own expense. You want a refund check co-signed? Forget it. You want to refinance the house so the kid can still live in his childhood home? Not interested. You want to arrange a time for X to come pick up his stuff? Never available.

    Stop begging, Ian. She’s rolling around in that catnip.

  • Thwart back if you can figure a way to do it.

    My asshole cheater wanted out. In my state you can file for divorce with a paralegal if there are no property or custody issues. He got a paralegal to draw up the papers.

    Then the fun began…because even if they are the ones who want out they will fuck with you just for kicks. I was done so I just wanted it over asap.

    cheater: I have the paperwork.
    me: great, send it to me.
    cheater: we need to meet for lunch
    me: no we don’t
    cheater: I want to have closure
    me: no thanks, just send me the paperwork
    cheater: I want to see you so I can talk to you one last time
    me: Well, I don’t want to see you ever again so…..
    cheater: Why are you being like this?
    me: send me the paperwork
    cheater: If I send you the paperwork you just won’t sign it
    me: Oh, no worries there. I will sign it and send it right back
    cheater: I don’t believe you
    me: That’s rich
    cheater: I need to see you one last time
    me: too bad
    cheater: Why are you being like this?
    me: so who drew up the papers?
    cheater: xyz paralegal (in my city)
    me: *hangs up the phone*

    me: *called said paralegal, explained situation, made an appointment to sign papers that day*

    me: *won’t answer the numerous phone calls, deletes voicemail messages without listening*

    me: *signs papers*

    me: *divorced as soon as the paralegal filed the paperwork*

    Cheater thwarted.

    I avoided answering the phone for weeks and any voicemails from him were deleted without listening to hem. He tried to contact me for a couple of months via phone and family and friends. I moved, changed my number, didn’t forward my mail, done.

    They simply need to fuck with you as long as possible. Don’t let them.

    • Sam, that’s awesome! I love how you hung up and called the paralegal directly. LOL.

      • Thanks! I was lucky, no kids, no property, I was emotionally done by then so it was easier. I know other people have way more to deal with, but the principle is the same. Thwart back, ignore, no contact, get your own lawyer if you need to, counter file, etc.

        • LOL at “I need to see you one last time” and “Why are you being like this?” Gimme KIBBLES!!

    • Sorry Ian, this sucks!
      As the saying goes, if you want something done sometimes you have to do it yourself.
      Sit down with your attorney, if you don’t have one, get one ASAP, and go over this mess.
      If you don’t’ have proof that she filed, then you need to file.
      And remember, your attorney is not your therapist. They will appreciate 2 things
      1 – if you keep it all business and keep it organized
      2 – if you smile when you see them and thank them for being your back bone. They see so many gloomy angry people that a laughing smiling person gets their full attention.
      I honestly believe my high level of organization and gratitude made my divorce 5 months from d-day to done. I even came in under my retainer.

      • Wow AllOutofKibble! AWESOME! I wish I had had enough sense to do it like you did! It would have same so much money and agony!!!

        Listen to her Ian! My awesome lawyer kept telling me the same things…I was just too emotional and my nerves were just wrecked for being in such close proximity with satan…driving around my house and stupid me, not going NC immediately just kept me in that state. CL and CN are absolutely correct on the NC! It makes it all go away quicker!

    • One of the reasons I like Sam’s comment/approach so much is that I felt ‘trapped’ by not being able to escape the cheater. We were never married and had no kids but I still have a life that I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to move, or change my cell phone number of 10 years, or change my email address which is my name…and yet the onus is on us to overhaul our entire lives just to escape these psychos. NOT FAIR! I mean really, none of this is fair but it adds insult to injury that we have to put in a ton of work to *escape* someone who betrayed and endangered US. They left by cheating…and yet to escape them I have to change my entire life? No, just more of the shit sandwich.

      Probably somewhere in their weird, disordered minds they are pleased by forcing us to change our lives up. smh.

  • I’m sorry, Ian. I totally feel your pain. My ex-cheater was the one who left, although he did keep coming back (before D-day) because he wasn’t *sure* if he wanted to separate. He was the one who had the girlfriends on the side. He’s the one who had a baby with someone else–while married to me, and with me none the wiser.

    Yet, I was the only one who seemed motivated to get the divorce ball moving. I was the one who filed. What did he do? Well, he figured out that his $300/hour attorney would simply cancel court due to a “conflict” if he owed her more than $1,000. So, he didn’t pay his attorney. For over a year.

    Why, Ian? Well, if my ex paid his attorney, and his attorney came to court, and our divorce stuff was seen in front of a judge, well that meant consequences. That meant he would have to pay me child support (and back child support for all that time he was dicking around, thinking he was so smart for keeping the case out of court). Court would mean property settlements, and splitting 401Ks that he had already cashed out and spent. Court meant being called on his shenanigans.

    Also, I wanted to go to court. I needed to go to court to get the mortgage changed to a mortgage in my name only, versus both of our names. If he held up the mortgage stuff, that meant the house would go into foreclosure, and I would have to move (or so he thought).

    If I had it to do all over again, this is my advice: First, go no contact as soon as possible. I went no contact a few months after filing. Now that I have sole custody of our children, and he has supervised visitation, I haven’t even communicated with him in over a month. Even if you have children, communicated through emails and text only and make sure it is yes or no questions regarding kid logistics only. For example: Will you pick up the kids at x time at y location? Nothing deeper.

    Second, have a conversation with your attorney that you want to keep a strict timeline to make sure that she is held accountable for her part of the proceedings. For me, I had a bit of a break, because my step mom is my attorney. So, I have been able to keep a calendar of what I have asked for, when it is due, and then I email her paralegal to get me whatever paperwork is next.

    I also have the option to pick up my papers to be filed at my step mom/lawyer’s office and file them myself. Ask if this is possible, because the worse thing that your lawyer can say is no, and it might save you some money. Paralegal time is cheaper by the hour than lawyer time, so if you can email the paralegal, and say the wife missed the discovery deadline and it’s time to send a letter requesting a 10.1 conference or a motion to compel and a subpoena or whatever the process is in your state, that might save time and money.

    Third, and this is probably most important, but do not tip your hand to your ex wife and show her your plans. Do not tell her you are waiting on her for something. Do not let her know you really need her to sign something. All that does is give her kibbles on the front end that you need her and kibbles when you get mad that she denies you whatever it is that you want.

    Do exactly to her what she is doing to you: Crickets. That will freak her out more than anything. It’s different. It’s not what she is used to. And, friend, it will give you some much needed power back in this situation. You will get your divorce. It might take longer, and be more expensive than you thought initially, but you will get it. And, best of all, you don’t have to lose your dignity to get it. So, leave her be, and move on with your life. Better things await!

  • Something odd here. I am a chump: (a) at the tail end of a divorce -signed agreement- after a long period of stbx’s cheating, leaving and silent treatment; (b) I served the divorce papers and started the action when he stopped paying, when it was clear he would never leave schmoopie, and then he stopped talking to me for 8 months; (c) I am also a lawyer (but not a divorce lawyer). What’s odd is, as everyone here said, if she filed and you were served with divorce papers, her lawyer’s name would be on the summons and complaint (here in NY). What my brilliant and caring lawyer did- after my husband flaked out and stopped paying even his lawyer and there was no agreement in sight- we filed for emergency temporary relief (I was not entitled to maintenance/alimony because I work, even though he earned 4x what I did- all in cash) solely as a tactic to get him to come to the table and end this thing. Even though the cost (the lawyer’s fee) in filing for relief outweighed the pittance I got from him, the court order provided the impetus to get dickless to come to the table and end this thing. He went to court, signed the divorce agreement and then called me the next day (after no contact for 8 months!) to tell me I am the love of his life and hopes we remarry one day!!! Move that mf forward and get done.

  • I’m sorry, Ian. It really sucks. Hang in there. It may seem like it will never end, but it will. This is a stage, and it will pass. You are going to be fine. Your awareness of her fuckery will help you, even though your emotions may be all over the place. Just keep moving, and take every opportunity to care for yourself.

  • I also meant to add that I agree with Kelli. After I got over the initial heartbreak and mind fuck of the silent treatment, it turned out to be a blessing. He had no idea what I was up to and it gave me the start of some peace to look back and see what the hell happened to me and how I had to save myself in order to have any semblance of a real life left. Also, it really fucked with his head and he caved on some issues I thought he wouldn’t.

  • Ian it truly sucks! After two years of trying to get Judas to come to the table and settle matters, I finally sent a legal letter to force the matter and now the mindfuckery begins on a new and improved level. The games will be just amazing. Read ‘Splitting’. Don’t get sucked in to the emotions. Hard to do but it is possible. Stay with Chump Nation. This has been where I find sanity and a lot of laughs when I otherwise feel like shit!

  • Ian, the Cheater Ex in my life didn’t really do much. He still expected me to run his life. He knew I would handle his divorce as well. I did. We are officially divorced now but he hates parting with money and pretends he has none to deal with marital debt. He’d rather I handle that for him too. He left me with all our household bills and debts. I mean, he hasn’t even gotten a lawyer for himself because he doesn’t want to spend money. Yet he promises my son a Disney cruise and apparently he and the Ho have a fancy curved TV (the latest thing) and yet he tells my lawyer that he can pay me $50 a month. Hell no. He has a car he can sell. And he has NO debt of his own so he can take out a loan and pay that shit off.

    I’m sorry for what you are going through. I don’t have much advice for you but I see some others here on CN have tons of great advice from their awful experiences. I wish you the best that you have freedom sooner rather than later.

  • It truly sucks. Ex was pissed when i filed, sent threatening emails and said nasty things about me to our daughter. I was NC so he got crickets from me. The court date was set and my attorney sent his attorney a draft agreement which they ignored. She also gave him possible dates for mediation, all prior to the court date, which his attorney came up with every excuse in the world as to why those dates didn’t work. So we told them we’d see them in court. I knew he didn’t want to go to court because it would all be public record then. They finally picked a mediation date but I wouldn’t let my attorney change the court date until after we mediated and there was a signed agreement. Basically, I held that date over him to force an agreement or face court. Thank goodness it worked!

    • I’m surprised you were able to successfully mediate with the disordered. Mediation requires both sides to be rational and willing to give something up.

  • There are many reasons why she may be doing this, Ian, and it’s very possible that she wants to fuck with your head. But I think the simplest explanation is that fucking around with the new guy(s) is more fun than tidying up her past messes. I’m gonna bet that you had to clean up behind her in all sorts of ways during your marriage. Everything from bringing her used coffee cups to the kitchen to dealing with her tax issues or bank problems, or intervening to fix friendships she broke, or rewriting her resume and finding jobs she could apply for…

    If I’m right about that, I think this is just one more job she’s dumping on you while she goes out to play. Grit your teeth and comfort yourself that you finally got to the last shitpile of hers that you’ll ever have to deal with. Use lawyers wherever possible, make no contact with her, counter-file if that helps, and get on with it. She’s made it clear this is not going to be a joint effort, so pick up the ball and run with it.

  • I have a totally innocent, clueless question about all of this. Need enlightenment. For both myself and poor Ian. For a few days now, I have been reading about the beauty and necessity of NC (No Contact). And the Gray Rock. Basically to keep communication with the cheating STBX to a bare minimum. Short, terse responses via text, or even zero response if possible. It drives the Cheater nuts and preserves your own sanity.

    So given that, why is Ian’s situation bad?? He is in mutual NC Land, so there is no need to swallow toxic venom from the STBX, or to invest any energy into replying. Isn’t that a good thing?? As far as the actual settlement stall tactic on HER part: Just get a no-nonsense lawyer. And have the lawyer deal with either STBX directly or her lawyer. Eventually she’ll need to “play ball” or she’ll be IN CONTEMPT of Court. It may drag out a couple of months, but eventually the Court/Judge will lose his/her patience. And STBX’s case will NOT look good with all the stalling, if Ian’s lawyer documents it.

    So, in some respects, this is playing out well. I think. Someone enlighten me. GL Ian, prayers for you.

    • Thank you, Sammy. I need that clarified by Cl/CN, too.
      How does NC differ from crickets and ghosting?

      • Sammy & Virago,

        I am talking about my FEELINGS as much as logistics. Even if I had implemented the perfect plan of action, and everything goes off without a hitch, there are still FEELINGS involved. This silent treatment agony is a thing.

        For the PD person it’s seconds and thirds of sweet sweet kibble cake. For those of us on the receiving end its a shit sandwich.

        • I wish asswipe had ghosted me, just found his true love whore packed up his shit including his business and just walked away instead of mindfucking me for over two years. Closing in on the end times now and still dragging his butt. Why oh why? Fucking fnish it up already and go mindfuck your whore and leave me be. He doesnt quite want to let go but tells everyone will be finished soon and he can get on with his life. I should have thrown him, his shit and his business off the property that first day but i was so shell shocked i couldnt breathe for six months. i was stupid, stupid stupid, jus trying to make things amacable and what did i get in return fucked over my own damn fault for being too nice. God i wish he had ghosted. Fucker! Never again!

        • Oh Ian, I in no way was questioning your appropriate feelings. I am so sorry that you have to deal with ALL of this.
          I was simply, out of my own ignorance, seeking a definition of terms used here.
          Please forgive.

      • I will take a shot at answering your question as to what distinguishes “ghosting” from “crickets” and “NO CONTACT.”

        The term “ghosting” is generally used in dating situations, where one person stops responding to the other’s communication without explanation. People who “ghost” just disappear; they vanish from the life of the dating partner or even a friend. The purpose of ghosting seems to be breaking off a relationship (whether casual or committed) without having to explain why or face the other person and say, “sorry, I’m not interested.” I don’t think true ghosting applies in the marital context; even those spouses who abandon partners and children can be obligated by the court to show up and will be liable to consequences if they don’t. I think “abandonment” is a much better term to describe cutting off contact in cases where there are legal, marital, financial and moral obligations. That’s just my take. I don’t think a cheater who won’t return a spouse’s phone calls about supporting the kids or paying the mortgage is “ghosting”; that cheater is abandoning the family. Ghosting is cowardly and rude, for the most part (although if a dating partner was frightening or very strange, I can see a good reason for it). Abandonment is cowardly, selfish and despicable.

        “Crickets” is usually used to refer to a situation in which some reply or response is reasonably expected but there is no reply or response coming. “Are you going to parent/teacher night on Tuesday?” No response. All you hear is crickets. If you are no contact, your STBX will get “crickets” if he texts you fishing for kibbles.

        No contact is a decision. You choose to go “no contact” with someone. You take them out of your phone, block their emails, block them on social media, stop looking at social media sites, refuse to drive around the block looking for them, and don’t find reasons to text, email or call. You set up systems to deal with divorce, property, children and business that don’t involve you having to communicate with Cheaterpants or Cheaterpants relatives (etc.) any more than absolutely necessary.

        • Thank you, LaJ, for taking the time to articulate such a thoughtful response. Exactly what I needed.
          Your distinctions make nice sense. Blessings!

          • I think the other problem too, Virago, is that for me at least, X pretended to be invested in fixing the marriage down to the last second before he ghosted. It was like a light switch – one day he loved me and would do “anything” to to work it out then the next day he was gone.

            Ghosting is the perfect word for that because it leaves everything feeling like it was unreal – the whole 11 years were just a dream. One day he was bringing me dinner in Tupperware and planning a holiday and the next was the silent treatment.

            My theory behind ghosting is twofold:

            1. They found another kibble source
            2. The well – ie you – is dry. You’ve unmasked the narc and there are no more kindles to be had.

            All that being said, although his ghosting was tremendously painful, if he didn’t do it, I’d still be stuck in the endless loop of lies, suspicion and broken promises.

            In the beginning, I used to check my phone all the time for a message from him because I just couldn’t understand how he could walk away so easily. Now I don’t care nearly as much.

            Three months in, I’m well on my way to rebuilding my life. This can only be attributed to his disordered curtain call of ghosting. Ghosting = best thing ever.

            • I will never understand how they love you one day and the next dont and just so easily walk away like you never meant anything to them. But ghosting is probably better than the mind fucking ex is still trying to give me. Im so inderent now and he hates it. Still wants kibbles, nope, no soup for you!!! One thing i do know i trust they truly truly suck.

              • The push and pull fulfilled a need for me. It kept me invested. Only when he gave up the pursuit was I able to move on because I did still love him. Him “trying” (yeah right) was evidence for me that he loved me, no matter how half-assed his show was. That meant I wouldn’t have to divorce him. And I didn’t file until he ghosted. I didn’t make an effort to rebuild till he ghosted. I didn’t open myself up to the possibility of dating till he ghosted. I wasn’t able to move on till he ghosted because I didn’t want to move on if there was hope.

                His punishment of ghosting me set me free. Thanks asshole!

              • Yes i felt that way too. I only wish he had ghosted would have easier to deal with. i finally gave up, watched his actions, Not his words, took me a long time to wake the hell up and with clear eyes and brain i filed. All over but the house sale and the fuck you dude thanks for being a dishonest, disrespectful asshole, now he can go fuck over someone else and he will. He will never again get chance to get near me or hurt me.

    • Sammy,

      While I thought contempt of court was a big deal, my ex has been held in contempt several, like 3-4, times. He refuses to hand over his earnings statements, so we file motions to compel, which he ignored, and then contempt. Ok, he goes to court and hands them over that day to avoid jail and is ordered to pay $396 for my lawyer fees and court costs. Which he never pays.

      So, then, I get an order for him to pay back child support at a ridiculously low amount for 2 years, and an order for monthly payments. He doesn’t pay them. He was ordered in January to pay. By May or June, I was filing for contempt again, and by court in August, he paid a very small portion–about 1/4–of what he owed. Another $396 was tacked on to the total that he owes me, and he was held in contempt.

      I also was awarded sole custody, and he was given supervised visitation.

      Move on a few months from August to November, and he STILL hasn’t paid me what he owes me, nor is he paying me the monthly amount that he should be paying. I file for contempt AGAIN. He’s held in contempt AGAIN. He’s actually threatened with jail this go-around, but is not arrested, and child support is set at a higher amount and garnished from his check.

      Next court date is in March, and he still owes me thousands, which he is not paying. I’m filing for contempt yet again. Maybe more money will get garnished from his check, which would be nice. But, don’t get your hopes up thinking that when the ex is held in contempt that they will go to jail. Especially for not paying something. All that has happened in my experience is that he gets a fine tacked on to the thousands that he already owes, which he isn’t paying anyway. The judge doesn’t want to put him in jail because he really won’t be able to pay me if he is locked away. And, he will likely lose his job, so there goes any hope of any money.

      As CL says, it’s the never ending punishment of having children with a fucktard.

      But, in Ian’s case, he wants things to be settled. He deserves to have things settled. Allowing her to win on that is just another form of chumpdom. He can’t leave the cheater or gain a life while he’s trying to actively remove her from his life right now. It’s more of the “We can just do it like this, and have no consequences for me because it’s not really convenient for me now, k? Thanks” cheater speak.

      Hope that helps!

  • Ian there are some good strategies here.

    In my experience, most disordered people do not know the law. They create their own rules. This is why it is very important to get good legal counsel for you.

    It is baffling to me that they can just walk away. My EX initially moved out with nothing – not even his clothes – during trial separation. Post DD#2/divorce, he would 1) not pack or move his things, 2) not deal with any paperwork, 3) not get the separation agreement started. Thank goodness I could figure out how to pay the mortgage. So, I did all of these things – including packing and moving his stuff into his new place all on my own. After all the details were sorted and legal separation agreement, he wouldn’t even take the final step and file to make the divorce final (different in Canada)…even though he was living with a new gf (not OW#2) and had a baby on the way.

    My suggestion is to approach it like business. You take control (they won’t ever do it) and keep the personal interactions to a minimum.

    Don’t spend any time trying to figure them out.

    • moving forward, cheater packed his clothes and toiletries but I packed everything else for him. He had on many occasions during our marriage said that there was nothing of ‘his’ in our house. I never quite understood that but interestingly when I packed his stuff and left it on the front porch for him to pick up, he said that he didn’t know he had that much stuff. Of course I kept finding more and more things here and there that I would give to him. One of the last items was something that belonged to his grandfather. When I gave it to him, he said that I could keep it if I wanted it (antique item which I like). I told him to take it knowing that if I kept it, it would always be mentioned that I had it, and he’d probably tell people that I wouldn’t give it to him. The key is for them to get all their shit so they have not reason to come back.

      • Good for you. One long weekend, I sorted through and packed everything – I mean everything including Xmas ornaments and photos – and deposited it neatly in his new living room while he was away. 2 years later he said wanted the TV because before then, there was no place to put it! I’d learned plenty about reinforcing boundaries by then and said ‘hell to the no’. You are right they make up reasons to come back. They are seriously messed up.

        • Y’all are WAY nicer than I am. I gave the cheater from January of 2014 until 4th of July weekend to come and get his crap from the house. He didn’t, so I sold it on Craigslist. Tools, golf clubs, a refrigerator, stuff in the garage, stuff in the closets, ugly furniture that came with him when he moved in… All of it. Everything had to go. I think I made about $1,000-1,500 after it was all said and done.

          It’s no longer my job to make things easier for him. If he fails to do something, oh well, we file something in court or send his attorney a letter advising him of whatever it is that Screw-up screwed up. Like I said earlier, my lawyer is my step mom, which is incredibly convenient. His attorney charges $300 an hour, and I do everything I can to make sure that he incurs the maximum amount of PITA (pain in the ass) fees as possible.

          For example: He has been ordered to pay half of any medical expense for our 2 girls, one of whom has cerebral palsy and her physical therapist recommended ballet class. So the judge ordered that Idiotic Twat pay half of any dance expense. Clothes, shoes, uniforms, tuition, everything. So, a few times a week, I fax his attorney a spreadsheet statement of every expense that he needs to reimburse me for, along with any documentation supporting the expense. The fax is now up to like 72 pages. PITA fee!

          There are ways to deal with these crazy people, you just have to get creative. Most of them will get motivated when you hit them in their pocket book or their reputation. Get creative. I’m happy to help with suggestions.

          • Kelli,

            I too hoped that I could use her fear against her. Many sites out there talk about leveraging a NPD’s innate fear of loss of reputation to light a fire under her ass, e.g., public disclosure of her infidelity, including court filings. Crickets… I tried to threaten her with every financial doomsday scenario I could imagine. Crickets…. Some people are just devoid of any empathy or fear. So I admit I wasted time and energy trying to get results in a wrongheaded way. She doesn’t seem to care who knows she crazy. We’ll see.

            • Don’t threaten. Just do. This is your new reality. There’s no more cajolery or threats. She’s not a 5 year old who won’t eat her vegetables. She’s an adult. This shit has adult consequences. You file, and she won’t file an answer? Bummer, let the judge hear it. You file for her to provide records, and she misses the deadline? Too bad, so sad. File a motion to compel (or in Louisiana, you have to do a 10.1 conference first).

              See where I am going with this?

              You want her to do something? You don’t ask her. You tell your lawyer. You and your lawyer come up with a strategy. File this to produce this result, but if she doesn’t comply, consequence X happens. Have your lawyer throw out 3 dates and times for mediation, if you want to go that route, and if she doesn’t bite, well it’s off to court then. It’s like a choose your own adventure story, legal edition.

              The point is: YOU DON’T CONTACT HER. You’re done with her. She’s out on the curb with yesterday’s garbage. You contact people who like you. People who are nice to you. Or people who are on your payroll and working for you, like your lawyer. Give her crickets. Not because you are trying to manipulate her to get a desired Pavlovian response, but because she is not worth your time or effort.

              Keep saying that over and over. Fake it until you make it.

  • Ahhhh. It feels so good to revel in the misery of my fellow chumps. Y’all get this; y’all get me; and y’all get that my STBXW is deranged. Just not feeling alone is sweet soul-succor.

    So first, get a better lawyer. Okay.
    Secondly, reinstitute no-contact. Check.
    Then, sit back and relax; avoid any attempts at untangling the skein! (Easier said than done Chumplings.)

    The mystery of “why is she dragging this out?” constantly threatens to suck me deeply back into her depravity. To a person with NPD like her, it’s all about cake and kibbles. I do know this, anytime I get down and muck around with her in the pigstye she left for me to clean up makes me wish I could power-wash my brain.

    • Good Luck Ian. You’ve got some good advice here.

      You can’t figure them out….Honestly, I’d still have a basement full of my EX’s sh** if I waited for him to take care of his side of things.

    • Right Ian, if you were a depraved sociopath-narcissist like her (I know I know, hard to imagine being that cold and screwed up), but if you were, what would you rather have? Ian begging for information, closure and a divorce? Or Ian allowing his lawyer to do what is necessary, otherwise ignoring you and calmly moving on?

      My ex pretty much ghosted on me and moved on instantaneously, although unlike your STBX he cooperated in getting the divorce (after ensuring I gave him a share of my profit sharing plan). It hurt to think he just moved on like I had never mattered, and I believe it’s how they show their disdain for us, how little they care. But it was in the end easier than dealing with the mind games many of our fellow chumps face… just need a lawyer to move it forward now.

  • My guess is that someone in this situation, either Ian or Ms. Cheaterpants, is trying to do the divorce without a lawyer. This is a remarkably cheap way to do it, if the state permits it, but it only works if two people can resolve their issues about money, property, and (if pertinent) child custody and support. I wrote the settlement agreement when I separated from my XH (not a cheater). I wrote up 3 possible ways to divide the assets and told him he could pick one or propose something different. He picked door #1 and I found a separation agreement template and wrote up a document that we had notarized. It served to allow him to buy a home and me to refinance and was acceptable to the Domestic Relations Court. That was only possible because we got alone well and cared about each other’s welfare enough that we wanted both of us to be OK financially and emotionally. (Not a bad guy–but I couldn’t deal with substance abuse for one more minute).

    That sort of divorce/settlement is not going to work with a cheater who has a personality disorder and is already living with Schmoopie. She may not even want a divorce–she may be using you to keep from having to complicate her live with her AP with boring legalities. Or she may have filed to be able to live with Schmoopie without social or legal consequences (e.g., “we are getting a divorce so this isn’t adultery.” Whatever. It doesn’t matter what she is doing. It matters that you get yourself in a position where you can cut loose from this nasty person.

    Ian, you are getting good advice here. Get an attorney, file a divorce complaint or counter-complaint, and get on with your life. If there are joint assets or debts, follow your attorneys advice about how to handle that stuff. And go no contact. For any reason. Let the attorney handle things.

  • This explains my current situation. STBX told me a few weeks after I asked him to leave home when I discovered another new co-worker he went out with as just friends that he knew 100% that he wanted a divorce. Yet, I never received service of a petition. Because I’m the chumpiest of chumps, during our separation I believed him when he said there was not a third party involved, he just wanted a divorce because he just wasn’t strong enough to be a husband and should only be on his own. A month after that I found out that he and schmoopsie were in a full blown relationship and had been for a few months even prior to him leaving home. At this point, I lost it and when his sister and mother asked me what was going on because they were witnessing his rage attacks when he had always been the model of easy going nice guy, I disclosed the affair. He contacted me a few days later and was furious that I had any contact with his family and said that he would be filing immediately. That was 4 months ago and after going NC, I still haven’t received a petition. It pisses me off that he is the one who wanted the divorce and now I’m going to have to do all the heavy lifting to get it done. But after going NC, I realized I was the one always doing the work. I’m guessing that once I file and serve, I’ll see a reemergence of Mr. Prize. Thank God for CL – I now know NC is the only way to deal with the truly disordered.

    • Chump Bear, it IS an awful feeling to file for a divorce you never wanted in the first place, but ended up needed because your spouse blew up the marriage and has cheated. It was so painful to go through all that when I still loved my ex…but it was freeing to have it all behind me and be able to move on without being legally tied to my ex anymore. Good luck in your process; I hope all goes smoothly!

      • NorthernLight. This is so true! I loved my husband, did not want to divorce him but went ape-shit on him to get it done. Forced to, really. (He never wanted to R) When the final papers arrived and it was all over, I cried for days and still do over that memory. It was awful. No way I could celebrate.

  • It’s bad because Ian wants to move the fuck on with his life. NC is good until it prevents a chump from leaving the marriage. Ian’s situation is bad because Ian wants to be divorced. It’s bad because usually there are children, property, health insurance, retirement funds and other critical issues that MUST be addressed. Without cheater’s co-operation, it will cost a lot more money, take a lot longer time to resolve and leave crucial decisions up to a judge’s discretion. She is holding him hostage legally, financially and emotionally.

  • Oh yes, thwarting. When I finally had the money for a retainer I filed for divorce. The ExHole was served while still living at his parent’s house WITH the OW. Apparently it was hilarious.

    Fast forward a few months.. Several letters and phone calls from my lawyer to Ex had been unanswered. With the court date looming and having heard from the OW several times about “why I shouldn’t be procrastinating about getting the divorce done” (yeah, somebody was telling her I was the problem…surprise!) ..I finally just gave my lawyer the OW’s number.

    One: turns out they had moved into a house 5 blocks away from me and his parents were throwing out the mail coming from my lawyer.
    So lovely to knowingly pass their love nest on my way to work everyday after I found out.

    Two: He had been telling her that I was the one without a lawyer and was procrastinating. She had no idea the court date was less than a week away.

    Three: OW dragged Ex to court and loomed over him like a she-dragon while he signed the agreement in front of my lawyer. (Had I known he would have signed anything at that point, I would have been a lot less ‘fair’ about a few things. I just wanted it over with.)

    So yes, as ‘horrible a person and wife’ that I was, he was still going to drag out the divorce if he could. Either to keep me from moving on or to not have to marry schmoopie immediately… Didn’t matter. He was going to thwart everyone.

    Yes, they married a month after the divorce. No, they’re not still married. Apparently he couldn’t keep it in his pants for twu wuv schmoopie either.

      • The Fucktard delayed signing the papers for a year. I had to get all medieval on my lawyer because I was buying a house and did not want to have to get him to sign off on it and let him know where I was. So when I heard of the next divorce just about two years later, I actually felt bad for the little tramp who didn’t perform adequately for the Fucktard after the big promise of marriage. Of course, once they married he probably instantly stopped being Mr. Sparkles and became the Fucktard again.

    • “why I shouldn’t be procrastinating about getting the divorce done”

      I heard the same thing. I filed, I waited for her to reply (she is dragging her heels). Yet I hear I am the one dragging heels. O my goodness, I wanted to flip out. It’s been 10 months.. she is dragging heels, I’m spinning wheels to get it done..

  • Oh, FeralBlue, what a tremendous route the Karma Bus took through your life.

    He sounds like a complete asshole. She sounds like a complete asshole. I’m sorry it was so fucked up but am glad you are out. And now you have an hilarious story to tell for the rest of your life.

  • As others have said, the disordered are big on, “You can’t make me!” and to prove their twisted viewpoint, often do spiteful things even though it hurts them in the long run. These are the people described by the old saying, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face,” because they are willing to go that far.

    I’ve already written about my ex serving me with paperwork and order to court because he wanted to end his obligation to pay alimony. Judge ruled in my favor, then ordered me to prepare the post-hearing paperwork and serve it on ex (this is common in CA family court cases, I don’t know about other states.) I did so, and no surprise, ex never signed or returned the paperwork. Crickets. So it then fell back upon me to write up a letter explaining to the court that papers were served, ex did not respond, so please finalize the order anyway. I’m still waiting to hear from the court.

    You can bet that if the court hearing had gone in ex’s favor, that paperwork would have been signed and filed so fast, my head would be spinning. His refusal to acknowledge and cooperate now is purely out of narcissistic rage. Also, there is a strong element of harassment involved, something the truly disordered love.

    • One of the best tactics I’ve employed to help me “get over” any lasting tenderness I may have for Anal Slunt is to focus ONLY on her post-D-Day actions. And, she acted so poorly while she ate her cake that now I can admit something. I hate her. Ahhhhhh.

      • IMO, hatred is natural response to be conned, I wish you the best as you use that hatred to protect yourself and get the best possible divorce terms you can.

        I have found that the hardest step of my recovery remains to turn hatred into indifference given that I bred with a disordered wingnut…

  • Consult a lawyer and push ahead however gets it done, Ian. There are a lot of people out there who think, “I won’t give my ex a divorce.” They are mistaken. Divorce can be had over the other person’s objection, it just complicates matters a bit. If ex won’t cooperate, then the court can decide things in her absence. The smart money is on her coming back to whine at you a few years from now, when the divorce is over and the settlement was resolved to your favor because of her non-participation. You can savor that moment if and when it happens.

  • divorce is so… final… let’s keep it in limbo a while, shall we?

    Followed by…”why does this have to be so confrontational? Can’t we hold hands while getting a divorce? You’re soooo bitter Ian.”

    • divorce is so… final… gosh I hate those words, I not only heard that from the ex but her mother also had the audacity to say it. Freaking cake eating enablers!!

      • My ex is still a cake eater. His new wife agreed to an open marriage, but him and the new GF couldn’t keep the rules in the agreement that he had with his new wife. His new wife got angry and tried to come between him and the GF who was now living with them for financial reasons. For this, he kicked the new wife out and lived with the GF for a week. Then he decided to bring the wife back which pissed the GF off. Then he found out the GF broke her agreement with him and her BF by sleeping with several other guys unbeknownst to them at the time. Then POSex and the wife kick the GF out and she goes to live with the parents. He decides to make his wife give up her BF, because, of course what HE says goes. Wife doesn’t listen and continues seeing BF.

        I don’t understand why some people are so willing to avoid the finality of divorce just to keep up appearances while eating cake. I realized my ex may stay married forever this time, but it’s not because he became a better husband. Oh no. It’s because his wife will just keep finding boyfriends if she needs someone to not be a jerk to her. Be glad it’s no longer going to be you in the middle of their Rocky Horror Picture show.

  • Snake has too much to lose if I were to get a default judgement, but the fucker is practically orgasmic over the Joy of Thwarting, so he does what he can.

    He stalled things for a couple of months on a motion that the judge told his lawyer “a first year law student wouldn’t make that argument”.

    Once he lost, he took his sweet time finally filing an answer to the original petition.

    I raised the possibility of settling. His position is that I should make the first offer, even though he controls and has current information on well over 90% of our assets, information he won’t provide to me. Oh hell no, does he think I’m stupid?

    He files his answer, but then suggests mediation (via his lawyer). Still without full financial disclosure on his part. So, no…

    He won’t give up the financial info to me until the court makes him, basically. I have a general idea of how much we had in assets months ago when I left, That doesn’t help much because I knew he was in the process of moving accounts around and transferring funds..

    I just want the divorce and to move on and am willing to be reasonable. He’s just being a passive-aggressive obstructive dickhead.

    It’ll get done, but not until he drags it out as much as he can.

  • I’m sorry you are going through this Ian, it does suck.

    I lawyered up very quickly and with the help of CL and CN, I let my attorney handle the mess. Yes, it cost me money but worth every penny. He protected me on issues that I would not have known about. I’m 2 years out from DD and not divorced yet. Everything is finalized but he’s “looking at the divorce judgement” because he’s an asshole who wants control. I’ll wait it out for a bit, but eventually I may need to go to court to settle it. There’s really nothing outstanding that needs to be settled he just needs to sign it and return it to my lawyer. But again, power and control – cheaters love that shit.

    I let my ex have stuff in the home that I didn’t care about. I just wanted him gone. Stuff could be replaced but my soul couldn’t be. And my lawyer also said that we are here to strike a deal with ex, so let’s get one while the getting is good. He wasn’t my therapist. He said that in his experience cheaters often make the best deals early on because they do have a wee bit of guilt (or want to engage in image damage control) so we settled fast and I got a reasonable settlement. Looking back I’m glad that I settled quickly and got him out and paid the legal fees to do that. It was money well spent.

    He also “ghosted” me. It was as though I did not exist. For a man who “wanted out years ago” he sure took has taken his sweet time finalizing it all. It’s been helpful for me to see my cheater as a man who enjoys power, control and entitlement. He’ll divorce me when he’s good and ready thankyouverymuch. So get a good lawyer to show up for you. Mine laywer let cheater get away with shit and if he delayed too much we sent a letter to which his lawyer had to respond, which meant we had a record of wanting to settle. Judges like that.

    I cannot wait until I am free of him legally. He’s been nothing but a pain in my ass for years but I know that day is coming. It’s a bit of a game to play, you can’t want it too much or they will ensure you don’t get it. However there comes a time when you play hardball and a good lawyer is worth their weight in gold. Don’t communicate with your ex any longer…get your lawyer to do that.

    • One idea is to pack up all his stuff and move it to a storage place and then send him the bill/key. A friend suggested this after the fact. Honestly, it had never occurred to me but is a great solution.

      • It worked for me. Make sure the jackass has the move-out date and tell the jackass that if the stuff isn’t moved, you are taking it to Goodwill or St. Vincent de Paul or wherever. Get two keys. The Jackass in my case cleaned out 97% of his stuff and left the lock on the door instead of sending it back to me. So you might lose the lock or have to go back and check to make sure the stuff is gone by the last move-out date.

    • One of the reasons I was trying to push through for a quick divorce was to capitalize on the twu lurve afterglow she might be basking in. I was hoping that her vagina might be running the show for a while, and I’d profit.

      But alas, since her Fuckstick allegedly “threw her out” in less than two months living with him, I couldn’t move quickly enough.

      I’m sad hear that she’s not as happy as she’s hoped.

      • Oh Ian, well that explains it. In a nutshell. She lost her schmoopie so now divorce doesn’t seem so appealing. Too bad, so sad.

        • Hunker in the bunker. The disordered always come back around if times get tough, to Hoover up what they left on the floor like lint.

          • What Survivor and creativerational says is TRUE Ian! Get ready for it!!! Run for cover!

            satan showed up across my new driveway soon as he found out the address!!!! UGH!

  • Mate,
    It’s all about the mindfuck, discard and control, and “you’re not the boss of me”. I went through exactly the same experience with my cheating ex. As soon as I got my lawyer to write to her to get consent orders done (we needed her financial information) the drama started up (que the three channel flip). “Of course I’ll get you the information” (charm), “This is all so stressful for me (pity)”, “Don’t push me I’ll do it when I’m damn well ready” (rage).
    What should have taken about a month to get ready to file in court took 6-7 months.
    My tip is do all communication through your lawyer. As others have said it can be expensive but it’s worth it. Stops you getting involved with the mindfuck directly and denies her the fun of fucking with you. The flip side of it is your ex may enjoy the fact she’s going to cost you more money but I saw it as an investment (mine actually emailed me and the lawyer saying she didn’t see the need and how stupid I was cause this was costing me money…).
    Mine did the ghosting thing for a while. Wouldn’t respond at all to my lawyers. I just kept instructing them to send more letters / emails or make phone calls as appropriate. Expensive but it created a history that I’d tried to make reasonable contact to progress the matter. The lawyers got to the stage that we were ready to file in court without her information as she wouldn’t respond. Used this as leverage and applied to the court to make her appear, along with the rider that as a result of not cooperating, she’d be liable to repay me my legal costs! The court takes a very dim view of anyone who refuses to participate in a consent matter outside of the court and has to see them (ie wastes their time).
    Well that got her to snap out of the ghosting! I got a flurry of threats – she’d been speaking to her “lawyer” (another stall tactic) and was going to do xyz (she didn’t have a lawyer just a friend who was a Justice of the Peace). She also threatened to report my lawyers to the Law Society and me to my Commanding Officer (we’re both military) for bullying her into signing the consent order. Again a stall tactic. And here’s where ceasing all communications with them and using your lawyer pays off – they don’t have a leg to stand on. My lawyer was doing things above board as instructed by me. The lawyers actually laughed at this threat. They hated dealing with my disordered ex – she was one of the worst they’d seen apparently.
    She made one last desperate plea via email to me about how hard and stressful it was (I ignored it) and she signed the paperwork. Took three goes to get in signed correctly (ah the disordered) but finally got it filed just before Christmas!
    On a positive note I got the Consent Orders approved from the Court in the mail yesterday! Yay! Got everything I wanted (all my assets that I worked hard for – we had no kids) and she got everything she worked hard for (her debt)!
    Stay mighty Ian – let your lawyer be the badass. It takes time and it’s frustrating but it’s worth it!

  • Thanks CL for the article and Ian for the question. I needed this- for a minute i thought my POSX had a kink in his MLC cheater armour – he has gone completely invisible man. I thought it was just because he was all wuvved up with schmoopie, but now i know its classic discard. It actually makes me feel much better. Its not that he’s off being all happy, he’s just an asshole.
    Ian keep chipping away at that D- its like Pantene, it wont happen overnight, but it will happen.

    Cheers everyone- power on.

  • I don’t get this Ian. When I filed for divorce a court date was set for the earliest date available after complying with my state’s separation requirement. If she filed your paperwork should have discovery requirements and a court date. Is every state really that different? And as someone said above, if you have a court date and she doesn’t show she’ll be held in contempt. Your lawyer should be able to figure this out and fix this for you. I’d really like to know what the deal is with your divorce filing!

    Jedi Hugs!

    • When I got divorced, there was no court date set initially. I don’t know if it is my state or my attorney. I had to bug the attorney to get a court date. Then, we got a pre-trial date at the courthouse where we went and discussed what paperwork/tasks we had done with someone who worked at the courthouse (not the judge) and then a court date was set for several months later. All in all, this made it take 9 months instead of the required 4 months that had to go by before a divorce could be made final in my state. My ex didn’t ghost either. Since, I tried to reconcile for awhile, he was all set to leave and had been speaking to an attorney for almost a year before I filed.

      • In Virginia, you have to ask your lawyer to set the court date. Filing for divorce does not automatically give you a court date.

  • When I went through my divorce from Fucktard ex years ago, there was a lot less technology. Think no caller ID. No text messages. No Fazeboog. No tracking apps. And I wasn’t ghosted, I was stalked the old fashioned way. I was followed. I was phoned, on a land line:

    Jerk: We really need to get together to discuss how I want all the community property.

    Me: No.

    Jerk: You have to eat, and I’ll pay for dinner. I really, really miss you.

    Me: No.

    Jerk: But I care so much about you. I want to marry you again some day. And I got a dog!

    Me: I said no.

    Jerk: You always were crazy. Now I have to do it the hard way, and I’ll ruin you.

    Me: ——dial tone—–

    What everyone says is true however. Those disordered controlling asshats often don’t really want to give anything up, even/especially their long suffering chump. They want to make us hope they will sign the damn papers or actually disclose all the assets or honor their word to deliver the items they agreed to relinquish. They want us to understand how busy THEY are, and that we should wait patiently or keep shoveling their horseshit or doing their heavy lifting. And dare I say, they like to keep their chump around for a long journey through the courts for two reasons. First, to prove that they ARE still the boss of us. And Second, to prove to our replacement that we are worthy of contempt for not freeing Mr./Ms. Sparkles to tie the know with the new one true love. Because, (can I get a triangulation drumroll please) WE will stop at nothing to ruin Cheater’s relationship with whomever they have promised eternal bliss but for that pesky preexisting marriage.

    • Ah yes I remember it well. Cheater runs off with serial homewrecker and engages in public displays of petting and posing in the street and on Facebook…..refuses to provide child support…refuses to disclose assets or pay taxes….provides no physical address….and leaves the chump with the job of putting the kids through college and completing the divorce at their own cost. When it comes to grown up responsibilities cheaters find them distasteful. Let the chump sort it out.

      • Ah, I had forgotten the taxes. I had to take multiple extensions to file that last year because Fucktard thought if he didn’t give me the numbers I needed to file, I’d face interest and penalties up the a$$. But there is a nice thing out there for chumps which is called innocent spouse relief. If you are separated and the dickwad you married won’t honor their obligation to give you accurate and timely information (this applies to situations where they have info not accessible to you) and rips off the tax man or prevents you from timely filing, the IRS won’t hold you responsible. I finally got what I needed one day before the last filing deadline, AFTER informing said dickwad that I would no longer stay silent if he was audited. And he was. And he paid all of the taxes he owed even though legally I was on the hook for half. Just because I had enough information about his bad business practices to send him to Club Fed.

      • Luckily I figured out how to divorce him…since he didn’t want to provide an address I used his sisters address, since he didn’t want to disclose his assets I went to a country where they don’t require disclosure of assets, since he didn’t want to pay his taxes I divorced as soon as possible so I would only have to pay two years of his back taxes to free myself.

        Now the funny part is he has somehow convinced his homewrecker that he is penniless. Uh, no, far from it. He is a very very convincing actor and has conned the homewrecker with the story that he was left penniless by the divorce so that she will pay all his bills while he lives off of her. He is just cheap and doesn’t want to give her his money. He is saving the money in order to con his next victim.

        • But of course. What is mine is mine and what is yours is mine. And I would give you the world except my greedy ex stole me blind. That’s called projection. I actually got checks for some years to pay the property settlement (what I owned that he claimed he needed lots of time to pay) and they all had some shit on the note line like “for Survivor’s greed and extortion.” Whattaguy.

    • But but…he got a DOG. Now don’t you want to go back and put up with his sparkly shit? lol

  • I didn’t want to put too many details regarding the divorce proceedings for anonymity. In my state there is a one year waiting period, or you can hammer out an agreement and meet in court. Other states might have similar waiting periods or other legal rigmarole.

    The point is less about the machinations of the court, and more about her dragging her feet. I was under the impression that she wanted to get divorced. I am ready to do that TODAY. But she’s not done torturing me yet.

    • Ian. If you have a one year waiting period, your stbx is using that as a proving time for her new life. You should do so as well. Open a new bank account, cut ties with the stbx, and plan how you should live from here on out. Get some counseling on what you want going forward. Ignore that POS who was once part of your life. She doesn’t get a year to play the field and then decide. She already has, and you were left when the music stopped without a chair. Check and make sure that if she climbs in your window and into your bed that doesn’t start the clock over again.

      Take care of yourself, our friend.

    • Move forward as best you can… contact your lawyer and see what you can do to progress this divorce as quickly as possible…

      The hardest part of the divorce from EXH#2 (AKA The Evil One) was the thwarting and discard he did to not only me, but our 7-year-old daughter… when it first started, I would note an “NC” each day in a calendar. Then I woke up one day and didn’t anymore. I had become used to not seeing him, hearing his voice — not even to check on his daughter or ask to see her or come by to see her. It hurt like a mother-fucker, but now each time I actually do hear from him, I groan and roll my eyes. He truly sucks like all the rest of these shit bags that have come into our lives.

      From the day TEO finally finished paying off the divorce attorney (no, I didn’t pay one fucking dime for the divorce HE wanted) until our divorce was final took about 30-40 court days. For that one thing, I am truly grateful.

    • My ex and I hammered out an agreement the day before we met in court. My attorney said to wait before compromising too much because they will be more likely to agree and settle when court gets closer.

  • I was married for the first time in the early 1980’s. Was married 11 yrs. I left the house, he moved his pregnant girlfriend in. Which happened to be his best friend’s wife. We owned a home. I rec’d a settlement in the divorce for half the value. Go forward 4 yrs he still hasn’t paid me a dime on that amount. However right after my divorce I took the settlement papers to our court house and put a lean on the deed of the house. Cots me 20 dollars at the time. Now 4 yrs later he is trying to get a loan to add onto the house. But he cannot till he pays me off and gets the lean off the title. So the bank calls me and says that they have a check for me to clear the title. I got to the bank. I get in an office and the man hands me a check to sign off on. I look at the check and tell him the amount is not correct. The judge ordered highest rate of interest on the money till the amount was paid. I told him it was missing 4 yrs of interest. This guy went right out to lunch on me. Good thing I worked at a prison. I’m use to lots of shit. I told him I’d be back when he had the amount correct and I walked out the door.

    My X-husband thought he was screwing me by not paying for 4 yrs. Now I held the cards for his home improvement loan. I was in no hurry to get the check and sign the papers. I had a good job and had bought another home. So I let him stew awhile. He had to borrow from his mother to get the difference. He ended up gambling at a casino and signing the house over to the tribe for gambling debts.

    To my knowledge if you have legal paperwork that a debt is owed to you you can go to the deeds office at the courthouse and put a lean against his property. I’m thinking you could probably also do this at the DMV and put leans on his vehicles also. He could not change title till lean was cleared. There would be a small fee. This could be handy because if the idiot died you’d have a legal claim on his estate. I know my x was pissed and I was the worst “bitch” who walked the face of the earth. (smile)

  • Thank you for todays post. This was so in my corner.. my STBXW did exactly the same with me.

    Especially the thwarting.

    I could have been divorced from her 7 months ago. yet she didn’t play ball. She went out of her way to slow the divorce (I presume it’s about the car I’m paying and she driving, but she can use settlement money to pay it off).

    Now 10 months after filing for divorce (I filed), she/lawyers replied … so 10 months later and I’m still where I was instead of rid of her..

    Why is it that they thwart? Why can’t they just GTFO!

  • Thwarting – you learn something new every day – no wonder the ex-knob always refused to handover the kids at a time of my choosing, it was always 30mins later! Plus the emails to pay $2 for a cupcake because the fundraiser fell on my week from a guy who earned $50k more than me – soooo not missing that

  • >
    %d bloggers like this: