My cheater soon-to-be-ex wife of 10 years is ghosting on me. Well not even ghosting. At least ghosts make random appearances to scare the bejeezus out of people. My STBXW vaporized on me.
My poor little Match Girl filed for divorce a month ago. I am SO ready to move on with the proceedings. I just want this to be over. All (!) we have to do is appear together before the court with an agreed upon settlement document. Easy right? WRONG.
Whatever Cluster-B, etcetera, diagnosis (she’s NPD all-damn-day by the way) that I might bestow upon her in a futile attempt to untangle her skein of fuckupedness, I realize that it’s simply a legal matter now.
I have written her repeatedly and said I am willing to negotiate anything. I have never asked her for reconciliation, and I haven’t even seen her since D-Day three months ago. I even asked her via email for any lawyer’s contact info she might have so I can negotiate with them if she prefers. All I want is the divorce decree. Her response? Crickets….
I have been reading up on ostracism (silent treatment) by narcissists. The only thing I can fathom is that she wants to hurt me even more. (She’s the one who cheated and is now living with the OM, but okay.)
My question is simple: WHAT. THE. FUCK?
So, when you were served — who served you? There was no lawyer mentioned in any of the documents? What does your lawyer say? Surely they must’ve seen this sort of thing before. I think you’ve got a legal limbo situation and need proper professional help.
As to untangling the Poor Little Match Girl’s skein? Fat lot of good it will do you, but sure, I can take a stab at that.
You’ve ceased to be of use.
Welcome to the Discard.
I know it’s baffling. You’d think that people who start things (like hello, divorce!) would finish them. Clearly you’re new here.
Responsible communication, consideration of others, grown-up matters like property settlements — that’s no fun. She’s made her intentions known — she’s finished with you (for now, until she needs something), and it’s up to you to carry out her orders and attend to the messy little details. Run along and be a good chump.
That’s one dimension of the discard — chump clean up. The other dimension is the Joy of Thwarting.
For some reason, disordered people love to thwart. It doesn’t even matter if ultimately the consequences of thwarting fuck them over too — they LOVE it. They need the immediate gratification of the thwart. It’s power kibbles! Do you need something? Does she have your full attention? Good! Now she ghosts. Lest you forget, you’re a Little People and Little People can wait.
I’m pretty certain that she knows you’d like to finalize the divorce. Letting you have that (even if she started it), where’s the joy in that?
There’s so much to gain by ignoring you — power, kibbles, centrality — and so much to lose by facing you — your anger, the actual work of hashing out a settlement, facing the loss of cake (divorce is so… final… let’s keep it in limbo awhile, shall we?) There’s not much upside to her being in touch.
My guess is it will be messy. Your lawyer will have to force some kind of reckoning. She’ll get all huffy and indignant. Eventually, you’ll get your divorce though, Ian. She’s just going to torture you awhile longer because she can.
It just makes your new life that much sweeter to have her gone. Trust me on this.