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Fourth Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest

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valentineIt’s February and you know what that means, chumps? It’s time again for our annual Chump Lady Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!

During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get a review galley of the new book and a cartoon drawn of their poem. I will announce the winner on February 15. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

To inspire you, here are some former winners with cartoons:

GPShisDickHe thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick

And here’s one with some Southern grit and a twist of karma.

Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!

jerry

I will leave this post up until next Monday but you can enter submissions until February 14, Valentine’s Day. (I need some time to draw.)

Chumps, I know you’ve got some bad Valentines in you. Bring IT!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • There once was a husband named Will
    With a void inside him he needed to fill.
    So he found whores with tear jerkers
    (I call them ho-workers)
    And now pays a huge child support bill.

    • Randy had salt & pepper hair with a receding hair line, so he got hair plugs and a dark dye.
      The neighbors laughed and I said “why”?

      The next thing I knew, when the kids and I were away, Randy found some eye candy on the Golf course where he plays.

      Randy may be Old, but he did have some cash. So what do you know, a 21 year old bible bumping Hun dangled a carrot and that was the end of our 15 year marriage.

    • For 36 years all I did was prance
      hopping to the tune of the Pick Me dance
      Yes, it sucks that everywhere you fucked
      But now I am the one with the luck
      And she’s the one in the trance.

  • I once had a husband named Dave
    Who died and went to his grave
    In his papers he hid
    All the cheating he did
    And my grief washed away like a wave

      • What??? Unicornno more, you found out only after he died about his sordid adventures as if he were writing a sex memoire?? My heart really goes out to you if this is the case!

        • That was me too. On 2-3 occasions, I found some somewhat inappropriate, but not utterly damning texts. She assured me they were nothing – I thought they were, at most, EAs. After she died in late August I found a massive archive of chatlogs in her email detailing at least a dozen cybersex partners and at least 5 physical boyfriends, at least one of whom she had sex with, from before we married up to about about 2 years ago – right when the substance started getting bad.

        • Yes, there are like 3 of us here with those circumstances, Heatdeath being one. Nowdeadhusband did cop up a confession to a single EA, but I found bigger, uglier info in 3 big helpings since he died…the most recent being 9 months ago when I learned he was a serial cheater.

          Im going to be speaking at a Grief Seminar later this month and they asked me to be in a panel discussion and Im toying around with the idea of telling the whole truth…it is unlikely to ever get back to my daughter …maybe there are chumps there who need a mighty former chump to help them feel brave.

  • I once had a man who was sick
    He loved taking pics of his dick
    It was as small as a midge
    Sat on a shit-sandwich
    Which is more than a millimetre thick

  • There was a man who fucked a cheap whore
    Because she always begged him for more
    She shampooed with his ejaculate
    When her hair was immaculate
    Now his wife shouts “pick me!” no more

    Sorry, couldn’t resist doing two. Thank you for cheering me up today Chumplady, this made me chuckle.

  • When he left I was sad and depressed,
    He made out like he was just stressed,
    Found a note about her,
    OMG! He’s a cur!
    I hope she likes small ones the best.

  • There once was a ghost chasing skank
    Who wanted my husband who drank
    She laid it on thick
    While she sucked on his dick
    Now I’m free, and I have her to thank

    • I changed “ghost chasing shank” to “gross white trash skank” and it’s my fucktard husband to a tee!

      • Thanks all. It was fun to take out the quill pen. Christina, ‘gross white trash skank’ is exactly what this one is!! BIG TIME. She knows how to flirt ‘real good’ though. He feels so full of himself when he’s with her I’m sure. These people all really deserve each other don’t they.

    • There once was a man with an ego
      Blowing smoke up his ass was a need-o
      She did it so fine
      His dick felt like a shrine
      And now I am free from his reach-o.

    • This could have been written about me. My D-Day was Valentine’s Day 2015 – when, after a lovely dinner, he admitted to two affairs – in the past year I found evidence of at least 14 other women besides the two he originally admitted to. I quit looking after a couple of months, but the ones I found were all within a two year period. He really is an overachiever. However, the whole thing really WAS my fault — after all, he wanted me to go to work, but I am the idiot that took the better paying job working evenings and weekends. Twenty years wasted. My next relationship will involve cats — lots and lots of cats.

  • Your fate is no longer pending
    My trust is far beyond mending
    Get outta my house
    Massage parlor louse
    It’s time for MY Happy Ending

  • No let’s take a look at the narc
    They lie and they cheat in the dark
    And when it comes out
    We cry and we shout
    Now gone is the diabolical mark

  • My ex hid his Schmoopie quite well,
    He was cheating but I couldn’t tell,
    I can only surmise
    That she overlooks size
    And she clearly must be dumb as hell.

  • Three years ago I discovered you cheat
    Gave you the chance to make us complete
    You continued to lie
    And and I thought I would die
    But instead I kicked your ass to the street

  • There once was a cheater called Walter,
    Whose excuses began to falter,
    “It’s not me you see,
    But my MPD,
    I didn’t fuck her, t’was my alter!”

    True story. This cheater claimed that HE didn’t cheat on his wife. No no, he was faithful and true. What happened instead was that one of his other personalities cheated on her. Yup, he had self-diagnosed MPD – ironclad defense!

    One of our members wondered why this cheater hadn’t also accuses his wife of cheating on him with one of his other personalities. 😀

  • There once was a medic named Fletch
    Who fancies himself a GREAT catch
    if luck was on your side,
    YOU could be his next “ride”
    ( but the ambulance was the safer bet)

  • satan is a traveling salesman,
    Dispensing sextimates from his company S-10.

    he took up door to door whoring,
    Bought a secret cell phone to keep it going.

    Now THIS CHUMP is FREE of his BEDLAM

    😀

  • I had a husband named Nate,
    His family was all disordered hate,
    I thought he was different,
    I felt so insignificant,
    But, now I am mighty and GREAT!

  • You guys rock! Mine’s a little gross, but here goes:
    .
    There once was a man named Bob
    Who stuck his dick in a hog
    Now he runs queries
    of symptoms of herpes
    it’s everyone else’s fault

  • My wasbund found cheating a thrill

    But paying for a slunt doesn’t take great skill

    On craigslist he scored

    It was his dick he adored

    Now he gets to pay for my attorney’s bill

  • I have been lurking for 2-3 years. This is my first post, but I could not resist!

    He took so many “business trips” to ball her
    Where he made her squeal like a pig and holler
    No cost for the beds
    Because they are feds
    So it was all courtesy of YOUR tax dollar!

  • The OW sent me a letter
    So I could understand her better
    “Sorry about the affair”
    She wrote how she cared
    The day Cheater cheated on her.

  • Nancy now gets the blame
    As narcissists have no shame
    She’s too rough and raw
    Won’t see his children because of whore
    He’s too embarrassed to be seen with her in public.

  • A series of haikus, if you will:

    Father of the Year
    Imagine if they knew you’re
    Dodging child support?

    Devourer of cash
    Money launderer of doom
    No college fund left

    Finally interrupted
    Years of booze and party pics
    For one pic of kid

      • I’m too gobsmacked t o find words to say
        ‘Bout my wife, who has just walked away
        She says the kids’ spirits are fine,
        And who cares about mine?
        It’s only been 3 and a half months since D-Day.

        • A narcissist known as Christine
          On an old college friend was quite keen
          So they went down to the beach
          Where he made her scream and screech
          And me? Now she’s gone, I’m serene!

  • Wishing to taste strange “sparkling waters”
    In a 2-star hotel she caught hers
    Taking it up the ass
    Was too hard to pass
    To hell with her husband and daughters

  • Clearly not my strong suit – must use a Boston accent.

    There once was a man named Bob
    Whose dick just wouldn’t get hard
    He got him some steroids
    But it only failed OY!
    Now he runs fast and far

    Love that their names are left out on any given day, but a book galley AND a cartoon? His real name is Rob.

  • Reconcile? Ha! That’s a myth!
    Who cares who he cheated with?
    I TOLD him I’d leave
    If he ever deceived
    And I did. The same day. Forthwith!

  • Narc, Psycho, I have PTSD…oh thank god I’m finally free.

    She’s his new hostage, happy he’s not, his lies and cheating are certainly alot.
    She is stuck with old baldy… who she thought was rich…. only to find out karma’s a bitch.
    His truth will come out, just like before and he will move on to his next whore.
    His mom must be so proud, his shame for all to see, more damage to add to their family tree, all flying monkeys a whore and a junkie and baby makes 3.
    Tables have turned, she’s paying MY rent, every dollar, every cent.
    Bye bye loser you fucking scum, oh what the heck… NC now….just send the check.

  • My ex said he needed an attractive wife.
    Among other things that’s what started the strife.
    I googled and found out he was a covert narc
    Finding out he’s a cluster b gave me the spark
    So I left a cheater and gained a life.

  • Ho-worker says they couldn’t fight fate
    Ex Asshat says my pick me dance was too late
    Now ya’ll like to play house with my kid
    Thank God of your ass I am rid
    And now for Karma I sit back and wait

    • Ok this is too fun…

      Skank OW, at the tender age of twenty two
      Decided that their wuv was twu
      Though witnessing your trainwreck is entertaining
      I’ve got my next date over there waiting
      But, yes I am totally gonna laugh when he cheats on you too

    • BP Escorts? A blast from the past I had completely forgotten. Bald, paunchy pud, too. High fees are a given when this is what your days look like. (hashtag ‘there’s not enough money’)

  • My entries are ‘re-cycles’ from one of CL’s earlier posts that wasn’t a contest…..

    Goodbye to the mindfuck, lies and deceit.
    The only truth you spoke was when you told me
    You were hungry, horny or needed to pee.

    There lives a narc named Oskar.
    He uses women to prosper.
    He picked the wrong one;
    She said ‘this is not fun’.
    He was kicked to the curb and he lost her.

  • My wife, my true love of life so I thought
    For thirty three years she was mine until caught
    Making love in our bed with another man
    The Chump you see had foiled her seven year plan
    I love you she says, but why can’t you see I’m distraught!

      • I appreciate the suggestions…just got an email from her last
        night telling me how she sent our Grandson a gift from both of us…
        explaining, she thought I would not have time to do that so…
        of course the beautiful – thoughtful Cheater Grandma did…
        can we all say “manipulation queen” together! LOL

  • Underemployed nurse
    Man child does: nothing useful,
    Hookers, with my cash.

    This is especially hurtful since he once gave all my cards (debit, credit, points) individual haiku love poems about us.

  • D wants to see sis–
    “She won’t see me, can’t see her!”
    Who’s the grownup here?

    There was was man named P
    Who on the surface was as nice as can be
    He needed happiness for his dick
    Younger wife, two new kids…now he’s always sick
    I stand by and say “hee hee”

  • My ex wife used to hump and be shady
    Coincidentally her maiden name was O’Grady
    Even though I was forewarned
    I thought I would find my unicorn
    A 2×4 is what I needed thanks to Chump Lady

  • There once was a man who loved Dick,
    He was also a bit of a prick,
    He now lives alone, alone with his Bone,
    And memories that make his wife sick.

    What does a cheater say?
    Not that often through all the years.
    Are you fucking kidding me?

  • I’m not in the thick of discovery or divorce, but my ex is mad at me because I stick to NC and haven’t forgiven his betrayal or become best friends with his wifetress.

    “Let’s always be friends
    As long as you stay a chump.”
    Too bad– I’m mighty!

  • There once was a cheater sex addict
    His priority was always his dick
    He chose his friend “Mel”
    Then things all went to hell
    Now he thinks his new life is the pits.

  • Many years wasted, being a cheater
    Buddies saying “It’s cheaper to keep ‘er.”
    Then I found all this shit on his friends
    Told the wives- you know how this ends…
    “Your shit’s on the lawn and I have a new lawyer.”

  • STBX has a tiny appendage
    He tugs at it hourly, which seems odd at his age
    He pays whores to be “intimate”
    But he can’t last a minute
    Too much tugging, too much rage

  • There once was a bloke, I wish in his sleep I had choked
    His old bent penis near the end would go missing in action
    So his doctor told him to go screw another for satisfaction
    He took that advice literally and moved to S E Asia
    And now he is living in so called paradise and fantasia

  • My hubs had a work whoring dink
    All parts of that fuck fest did stink
    We’re now deep in therapy
    He swears to love and take care of me
    But sometimes I pee in his drink.

      • Thank you. I have refused to use the word “affair”. It sounds so sanitized and legitimate, generally speaking. And believe me, there was nothing sanitized about what they did. Even though the fuck fest took place in 85-86, the beginning of the aids nightmare, they did NOT use a condom. And she had overlapping fuck buddies. I love a good poem.

  • There once was a cheater name Lance,
    Who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants,
    Nancy, Jessica and more,
    I couldn’t keep score,
    I’m done with the sad pick me dance.

    And another…

    There once was a cheater named Doug,
    Who fancied a good rub and tug,
    Ashley Madison on the side,
    Porn addiction to hide,
    I can’t stand to look at his mug.

  • He lied and he cheated – brought home an STD!
    However, all the fault there was pointed straight at ME!
    He’d give me another chance to get it right,
    But only if I was Perfect, Cheerful and Bright!
    Get real you ass, I’m much brighter than I used to be.

  • My Ex ran off with a gold digging hooker
    He’s convinced he’s found true love with this young looker
    But as we Chumps know messing with Karma can turn out bad
    So into the Ex’s house the hooker has moved her free loading brother, mom and dad
    Since young hookers only sparkle and shine his wallet will be as empty as his cooker

  • There once was a cheater and his chump
    Their true love went through a decade long slump
    After lies and more lies
    Chump broke all the ties
    And now cheater lives in a dump.

  • I once knew a guy from the west
    All his time on the internet he’d invest
    His dick he would feed – man, woman and steed
    Filling the hole in his soul was his quest.

  • There once was a nasty cheater of yore,
    Who spent all his time chasing a whore,
    Till his good, faithful Wife found out,
    And she kicked his lousy ass right out.
    But, alas, he and the whore are no more.

  • There once was a cheater named Todd,
    For whom no “strange” was too odd,
    They’d hump and they’d tug,
    Then he’d come home and hug,
    And expect his good chump to applaud.

    Pure entitlement.

  • I once knew a sick Mister
    Who even had sex with his sister
    Twenty years to find out
    But then there was no doubt
    That certainly was a mind twister!

    • I found out my STBX also molested his sister when she was a child. He’s been fucked up for his whole life. I wish I’d known what that meant.

      • “I wish I’d known what that meant.”
        Me too! 🙁

        Not that being kids condones incest (my creep was six years older than sis), but when they are still going at it as adults….well that’s a SPECIAL kind of twisted.

          • Same with my STBX. He was molested as a child by a family friend. He, in turn, molested his little sister for six years (he was 12 – 18, she was 6 – 12). He also developed a porn habit.

            Years later, alcohol loosened his inhibitions. Now he’s into sex with teenagers. Of course, now he’s 54.

            And fucking weird sex, at that.

            And when asked about the direction his life has gone in? He smugly smiled and said, “The heart wants what it wants,” (exactly and famously what Woody Allen said about fucking his step-daughter).

            I’m horrified and ashamed I ever loved him.

            • “I’m horrified and ashamed I ever loved him.”

              I feel EXACTLY the same way!
              ..and what’s worse is that I’m 3 years out of this mess, and I *still* have a hard time looking at a guy and trying not to wonder if he has any family members he’s a little too close to. 🙁

              I have the sneaking suspicion that “Dexter” was probably also molested himself (because shit rolls downhill, doesn’t it?), or that the exposure to his dad’s hard core porn by the time he was 6 is his “excuse”.

              You know what though, I don’t CARE.

              Once again, MAYBE when you’re a kid you don’t know better (I still have no idea when it started, as everyone stopped talking to me once they figured out that I had caught on), but you sure as hell know better by the time you’re an adult.

              I’m guessing Dexter just thinks it’s the most of the rest of the world that has a problem, not him (and now sis).

              BTW- I DID warn one of his first post-dday women, specifically because she had young daughters.
              I could not come out and say EXACTLY why I was warning her off (because at that point I didn’t have enough concrete proof about the sister(s?)), but I *did* warn her that I wouldn’t have daughters anywhere near him especially now that he was back to drinking.

              She brushed me off by saying that her daughter had been molested by her own father, and since Dexter wasn’t like that he couldn’t possibly be a problem (dear lord, doesn’t she know that having been molested previously makes you MORE of a target? It’s like the predators can sniff them out!).
              Their hook-ups didn’t last long, but he moved on to a mutual friend of both her and the (first/last) woman that I caught him cheating with.
              (I found out about the rest of his sordid history after uncovering that one. I was a super chump!)

              At that point I figured since they were all friends it was on them to warn each other.

              Maybe this last one is just as twisted as him, because she obviously doesn’t care if she’s still with him.
              SMH

  • There once was a cheater who lied.
    I found out and I left and I cried.
    But now we’re apart.
    I’ve discovered my heart.
    And the marriage has been reclassified.

  • Another lurker here who couldn’t resist this surprisingly enjoyable assignment. Much love and respect to my fellow chumps!

    The cheater was oh so besotted
    So he lied and he schemed and he plotted
    But his plans fell apart
    Broke his loyal wife’s heart
    When she saw that his soul was all rotted

    There once was a cheater who cried,
    saying ‘Yes, it’s true that I lied,
    but my wife should have known
    that her love I’d outgrown!
    It’s HER fault I’ve a piece on the side!’

    A Christian, at least so he claimed
    His charm and charisma were famed
    In truth just a fraud
    Who knew nothing of God
    One day for his own sins he’ll be blamed

  • I once lived with a whore
    When discovered I showed her the door
    She moved in behind me
    I said oh not likely
    And escaped interstate from her glass jaw.

  • “The kids will be fine,” the man said
    “When they see the happiness in my head.”
    Dude, that head you can’t see
    Without obscenity
    And the kids aren’t fine. Drop dead, Fred!

    Dealing with a difficult couple of months here; winter blues and middle child has returned to therapy and is now taking antidepressants which his dad forgot to remind him to take last weekend so he missed two days in a row.

    • Vivianne, your limerick is stunningly good, and the story is a sad one. My stbxw said the same thing: “oh, the kids need to see me happy, it’ll be better for them.” Meanwhile, their therapy bills continue to mount…

  • The last two and a half decades I’ve spent
    Stroking your ego the worship it went
    I’ve cloned your willy for you, it’s the least I could do
    Now take it you prick and go fuck it!

  • My stbx wife sucks dick like a fiend
    When she plays with his ding-a-ling!
    I’m no longer filled with woe
    When she’s out acting like a ‘ho
    ‘Cos I’ve learned not to unravel the skein!

  • Oh you DISORDERED FUCK!
    I TRUST THAT YOU SUCK!

    Raging, complaining,
    Night and day MEOWING!

    Before I went NC you ringtone QUACKED like a DUCK!

    😀

    …I simply couldn’t resist!

    …where is Tempest and Rumblekitty? Weigh in gals!!! 😀

  • My cheater pursued a Great Vision,
    To find a whore who would listen,
    Sad sausage, he tried,
    Then he hid and he lied,
    Yet his soul has still come up missin’

  • My soon-to-be-ex ran away
    Oh, with my chump heart she did play
    She followed her cunt
    For strange cock did she hunt
    Now y’all have a ‘meh’ Valentine’s Day

  • My husband was fooling online
    He thought he himself was divine
    He met someone for real
    Just one night was the deal
    But the route to escape became mine.

  • There once was a good friend named Julie
    A “free spirit” who was drunk and unruly
    With my spouse she did text
    Then had coffee and sex
    And messaged on facebook most cruelly

    • That says it all. You know, in that shitty, fucked up nutshell sort of way. The 1-2 punch involving a friend, always gets me. Print that limerick on dirt cheap paper, buy a 2 broken frames from the $ store, and you’ll always be ready for that last minute gift. Pretty sure that’s in the big book of etiquette as applied to dicks and sluts. And Yay, You! 2 snaps!

  • He cheated and lied and then changed his mind
    And said that he loved me and would always be kind
    Then I learned there were others
    And he just wanted me as a mother
    So now he’s alone and I’m fine.

  • There once was a husband named Glen
    Who decided to go a-whorin
    He’s too lazy to find
    Another place and time
    So he brought his whore to be his nanny

  • There was a cheater named Narkled
    Who thought his penis sparkled
    I have some news for you honey
    It’s not your dick, it’s your money
    That got the whores harkled

  • Once I found out about his a-whorin
    I put his flat ass out the door and
    Fired the nanny
    Found pictures of her Hynie
    I’m so glad cause now we’re divorcing

  • My high school sweetheart I once wed
    “til death do us part” we both said
    While drinking he decided to fuck
    the first whore he could get in his truck
    I can’t help but wish they were dead!

  • There once was a man named Glen Sr.
    Who wasn’t much different from Jr.
    The son ran off with ho
    What the father don’t know
    That I know Sr. knocked up his mistress

  • There was once a young lady i France,
    Whose love set her up in a dance.
    When sh d read about *Pick Me*
    On line with Chump Lady
    She just knew she hadn t a chance.

  • My Valentine’s Day Haiku poem;

    Oh the mountains, trees
    Finding yourself in nature
    Drunk fucking by fire

    By way of explanation. He was suffering so much stress he was developing a drinking problem and “needed to get out into the wilderness to relieve it. To get close to nature, to be wild, unrestrained and Free.” The only thing He got close to was the slunt he took and who brought 6 bottles of spirits to consume and ignite their Twu Wuv!!

    I was home juggling 6 kids (our oldest a quadriplegic), the house and worrying about him. No need apparently. Pity he didn’t fall off a cliff in a drunken stupor.

  • First post for me..

    There once a cheater named Keith
    Being a victim his greatest belief
    He ran off to the desert
    For a lesbian redhead
    And now lives off her like a leech

  • Off to work the Big Boss went
    He whined of the time there he spent
    Little did I know
    That’s where he fucked his ho
    Now to my house his money is sent 🙂

  • Haiku is not my forte:

    A roommate I am
    Paris for business they went
    Kids life did implode

    Limerick

    There is a gal from Brasil
    Who dreamed my life was a thrill
    Vaginal strep she gleefully gave
    But his strong wife didn’t behave
    A prenup next he will

    Alternatively:

    There is a puta de Brasil
    Me ex esta un thrill
    Vaginal strep me entrego
    Pero su esposa no behave
    Un prenup proximo he will

  • Long time reader, first time commenting…..Can’t resist!!

    There once was a husband named Tim
    Who spent all of his time “at the gym”
    He was fucking his skank
    I took that to the bank
    And now the joke is on him.

    Thank you so much to everyone here. You understand like no one else can. I have been reading daily and gaining strength, focus and determination from all of your stories, wisdom, advice and 2×4 reality checks! I am three years out from Dday 2. There is more for sure. I spent two years in limbo and fear and then I found CL and CN. I have followed all advice given here because I knew in my heart that it was right and I was struggling to trust my own judgement. In my situation, there was no other way. I got my draft separation agreement from my pit bull lawyer today…. And it’s a Tuesday! Couldn’t have done it without all of you! Many, many thanks.

  • Women with unusual names
    A man preferred as extramarital flames
    After bedding college students
    Elan, Aria and Prudence,
    “You’ve earned an A,” he exclaims!

  • V-day really sucks for chumps
    Our spouses love strange humps
    Meanwhile we live good lives and have good values
    While they present themselves like sparkly statues
    Oh what joy! What a day! D-Days leave our hearts in lumps!

  • The man I always knew would leave
    For months I was left to grieve
    He is such an ass
    He is so crass
    I am mighty I believe

  • I married a big ol Fat Bastard
    Whose dick was the side of a mouse turd
    He swapped crotch shots all day
    So I sent him away
    And now I’m living Happily Ever After.

  • I bought him a diamond pinky ring as per his command
    He bought me five pounds of Taylor Ham
    I baked him Valentine’s Day treats
    He bought me cheap sheets
    They gave me hives, it was all a sham.

  • Dick, dick, who’s there.
    It’s me, shank cherie.
    Ooh la la.
    Mwah mwah mwah.
    Knock, knock, lawyer’s here.

  • Some days would have rather he died
    Than see now all his evil lies
    He stole, cheated galore
    Sixty days later he married his O-Whore
    He is now so despised

  • Sorry, I’m on a roll….this is fun and therapeutic for me!!!!

    Sex and more strange sex
    Kibbles and sparkles he craved
    He’s out and I am mighty!!!!

  • In college, watching friends struggle with their father’s infidelity, I wanted to put out a PSA along the lines of:

    You look ahead and see your life turned to dust,
    So you cling to pathetic young lust.
    After you cheat on your wife,
    Well, she’ll find her new life,
    But your daughter will never find trust.

    Not funny, though. Some of these other ones are hilarious. Well done!

      • 20 years later, these friends of mine are still single but they are amazingly awesome women — successful, independent, world travelers, happy, etc… I think finding out your father (or mother) is a long-time cheater in college and that your happy childhood was sort of a lie is a big blow, but not insurmountable. I don’t feel sorry for these women, I just think their dads are selfish assholes.

    • There once was a family I loved
      He poked holes through the center and he shoved
      our dreams to the cliff,
      With her, he drank a fifth
      And now they’re both drunk and in love.

  • There once was a creep named Rick,
    Who only thought with his prick,
    He wooed and screwed that ole dirty whore,
    Which led me to kick him to the door,
    While ducking as I threw the last brick!

  • I had a monster that lived with me
    I tried to return him but there was no warranty
    To outsiders he seen such a joy
    Then one day to my surprise, he found a new toy
    A special one; her gifts finally set us free

  • I was once with a guy named “Jay”
    That asked for anal so much I thought he was gay
    I truly had no clue
    Until one night he called me “Sue”
    And that my friends was my D-Day!

  • Zoosk, Ashley M., P-O-F, OKCupid, and Tinder
    Give assholes a chance for “tru wuv” to kindle
    They run night and day a-muck
    For their faces and bodies to suck
    Then they cry when their lives hit the shitter.

  • All those nights you were out as a ghost
    God only knows whose body was your host
    All the money you stole and spent
    Not for your family’s needs, not one red cent
    Buh-bye cheater, you are toast!!!!

  • The marriage vows that we spoke,
    He decided were just a joke.
    The coworker was easy,
    He was super sleazy,
    From the denial, I finally awoke.

  • I found a tarp just your size
    When out of the blue I did realize
    Your part chicken/Pekingese mutation
    For me was my best situation.
    Better you created your own demise.

  • Hello, my name is Molly
    I was married a guy who thought he was jolly
    Instead he was a psychopath narc with a whole lot of wrath
    That he reserved only for me and his enemies in his path
    Trust me, he was anything but godly!!!

  • There once was a man with an ego
    Blowing smoke up his ass was a need-o
    She did it so fine
    His dick felt like a shrine
    And now I no longer feel cheap-o

  • Teary taco to me these words said,
    “I fucked him in our marriage bed
    My pussy is manna
    Or my name ain’t Anna”
    I wish that my wife she were dead

  • This truth hit me like a Mack truck:
    Six APs plus hookers he fucked.
    He’s all Cluster B.
    Since September I’m free!
    And, always, I’ll trust that he sucks.

  • There once was a cheater named Bill
    Threesomes were his own special thrill
    When kicked out the door
    He married a whore
    His destiny he did fulfill

  • I married a man named Nick,
    Who suffered with a limp dick,
    All those years leading up to divorce court,
    I tried my best to be a good sport,
    Then learned the porn was what had made him so “sick”,

    Well, as it often goes,
    He had a secret life filled with hoes,
    That was the final straw,
    Goodbye blue pills and all,
    Now YOU are full of woes.

  • I was nursing my baby, poor chap,
    When DH told me he’d contracted the clap
    On antibiotics I went
    My heart it was rent
    but for 18 more years I took crap

    There once was a lying asshole
    Who cheated underground like a mole
    When his shit came to light
    He would not even fight
    For his corrupted and prurient soul

    There once was a cheater who swore
    On the grave of his mother “no more”
    His mom knows the truth
    He lied through his tooth
    He was four times a week with his whores

    Two decades gone by
    Two great kids, so many hopes
    Letting go’s a bitch

    • Peacechump – we have the same story! While nursing my second child in the middle of the night, my husband came home early from a convention he was supposedly attending to tearfully confess that he had been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Tears and apologies and counselling – blah, blah, blah. He continued to cheat with any skanky massage-girl, starving actress or sugardaddy-seeker for another 18 years until I finally got into his phone and blew his two separate lives to bits. Why did I stay so many years – so many of us ask that same question. I was such a chump, but I am done with it. I am moving on – new home, new job, kids are still reeling, but we are strong together!
      I have been reading Chumplady pretty much every day since the day after my last D-Day and I have no words for how much strength I have gained from Tracy and everyone of the amazing members of the Chump Nation. I have also been a lurker, but no more!

      • Dear Done..Oy what a story.I had actually just put the baby to bed and dozed when he woke me up. Had flashbacks for years after. Got divorced this past summer, found CN in November. It was the missing link in my healing.For years I got lost in the RIC. And too much hopium. It feels good to laugh here even if it is gallows humor. All the best to you!

  • There once was a man named Jeff
    Who was “bored” with his wife and left!
    The skank he chose instead…..
    Has had 2 more since he professed!
    I sit back and laugh out loud…
    As the Karma train rolls into town!

  • A cheater with thoughts impure
    At seduction was no amateur
    His British accent
    Made the ladies relent
    And turned them into whores du jour.

  • There once was a whore from Chicago
    My husband rode her like Hildago
    She whinnied and nayed…..
    I got a big fat payday
    And now their life is a smelly Taco.

    Chicago wind blew them together
    it had to be more than the weather
    He traveled both ways
    to get in his lays
    And now I am so much the better.

    Migdalia brags that she sucks,
    Better dick than his wife packed his lunch
    She takes it both ways
    Can swallow mayonnaise,
    Now that pig is more than just being fucked.
    The money she sucked for is gone.
    That’s not what she was betting on
    She got what she wanted,
    but now she is haunted
    Because she is now the one being conned.

  • You wrote about your dark side
    Beneath a mask you did hide
    Enough of your cold dark eyes
    You shattered my life with lies.
    Within you there’s no pride.

    Now, I’ll tell you who I love
    With help and guidance from above
    There are angels who will guide
    The lost from darkness by my side.
    Now I found peace and deeper love

  • I’m no poet. But I gave it a whirl.

    The Bozo found his own side clown
    Fucked her up, down and all around town
    Said he found his true love-bitch
    A wife and three boys he couldn’t wait to ditch
    Joined, instead, a pitiful and vile circus underground

  • There once was a man-boy named Martin
    Lied, stole. banged, and whored till I cought him
    His multiple “soul mates” all duped by his charma
    He’d better watch out for that big bus called Karma
    Now I’m happy, free, and like me again

  • All cheaters are masters at blame
    Their excuses are really quite lame,
    “You caused me to cheat!”
    To their victims they bleat.
    Their marriages all a con game.

  • My ex is DF for sure
    Under my saddle no longer a burr
    He’s kicked to the curb
    Karma Bus needs to swerve
    OW? no sympathy for her!

  • Too old to be doing these tricks,
    Cheating and chasing strange dicks,
    But now you are caught,
    And your life is naught,
    Too bad it ended like this.

    ‘I didn’t think you’d care’
    What a load of crap that is
    Put the blame on yourself

    Did you think about consequences?
    Behavior is a choice, you chose deceit.
    We will grow old alone.

  • Craigslist ads for the stunted.

    Married man wants to get laid
    I’m too cheap so you won’t get paid
    My dick is crooked and small
    I get erected by pumping my right ball
    It might help if you dressed like a maid.

    My ex-wife knew I was stunted
    My whore was fun and slunted
    If you would blow me in your car
    I’m sure we could go far
    Good guys like me are hunted.

    Hi I’m Earl the GOOD GUY
    I’m hoping you’ll give me a try.
    Unfortunately I can’t use protection
    You see condoms won’t fit my small erection.
    After my divorce I’m stuck with a skank and it’s hard to find new supply.

    • “It might help if you dressed like a maid.”

      LOL, Donna! Between this and your Conversation Hearts forum thread, you are on a roll this week!

              • Revenge is such a primitive word
                Living better is what I’ve heard
                Put down your crossbow and arrow
                Know their path is now narrow
                Retributive Justice has been referred

                “Revenge” is such a primitive word; I prefer “retributive justice
                This ones for you Tempest!

              • I’m not a scavenger, my lobster claws are a reminder
                My eight mighty legs carry me, as you search adult friend finder
                My head is large like a moose
                Antlers atop my head keep me from your use
                CL’ writing and drawings are the true book-chump binder

  • While I was golfing out at Medina
    Twat was spreading her vagina
    She just didn’t see this as deception
    Cause guess who is the exception
    All she left with was some china, to continue her quest for her mangina

  • Craigs list continued….

    Please call me if you would
    You see I’m so misunderstood.
    Now that I’m single it’s hard to find
    That special woman so Devine
    Trust me please I’ll be good.

    Women found me attractive before…
    My wife divorced me and I moved in with the whore….
    Where have all the good women gone
    Now it’s not east and I’m torn.
    This single life is such a chore

  • I trust that you suck
    You secretive lying wolf
    God is never fooled

    To my ex who I loved with my life
    You told me I was the greatest mom and wife.
    Your REALLY ANGRY dumb emails are unwise
    Some day I may choose to expose you and publicize
    You traded a family for cheap thrills and strife.

    Disclaimer:
    I keep trying to be light and funny with these limericks and all I can do is deep and emotional.
    Meh got set back when he stopped paying support and alimony.
    Cmon Tuesday, hurry up.

    • Free2beme–Your limericks are awesome and heartfelt. I’m sorry your X has put you in a terrible financial predicament. Does your state garnish wages? Do you have help to tide you over until you can dish some consequences onto his sorry ass to make him cough up child support?

      • Yes, the state does garnish, and that is how I was getting child support and alimony since June. It was already based on his underemployed salary (half of last 5 years average), but they can get away with a lot if they want to. He refused to pay any pro rata medical even with it in the court ordered agreement ( ordered therapy, dental copay, braces etc) . State went after that for me and same day of the summons he claims he “lost” his job. Going to court tomorrow on my own (no attorney needed) for hearing on medical support, but I should not have to keep fighting him. The system is so flawed. We already paid so much to atttorneys to get an order that is only enforceable with thousands more. I’ve been told with Child Support Services he is not looking bad compared to many others they see, so…. I’ll fight what I can for now. Hard to believe that this is the man who I was married to and such a big part of our lives. He wants to hurt me, and truly doesn’t care about the kids. Soon, very soon, he will have no hold on me through finances and I will drop the enforcement of the MDA because he has worn me down so much, or it is just not worth the price. Not there yet, though.

        • What a complete asshole to neglect his kids that way. Don’t let him wear you down; I know it’s rough but that money is for your kids. Come and vent, and we’ll buoy you up for the fight.

  • Earls gots the sadz on Valentines Day

    Infatuations over, he’s balding and gray

    He can’t dress up and take Nancy out

    Crazed as a lunatic who knows what she’ll shout.

    She clings so much he can seldom stray.

  • My first post-

    There once was a Doctor named Mike
    The young female employees he did like
    His life he did hate
    They told him he was great
    I need to tell him to go take a hike!

  • The man I once loved is no more
    He has been chasing a whore
    How could I not see
    This man that is he
    Life changed forever-more!

  • For all of us I hope to say
    we cannot take one more D-day
    as we wipe away tears
    and face all our fears
    May tomorrow bring us to MEH..

  • There once was a cheater named AssHat
    Who, with his HoWorker, did WeChat
    He lied when he got caught
    Never did he act distraught
    Because he has the EQ of a gnat

  • I once thought he would always be there
    But with her he did pair
    Now my life is a mess
    I will spare you the rest
    Life is not always fair-

  • I married a bully, who knew?
    The tarts and cheating just grew
    One day he cried,
    While he lied and lied,
    Out of my life, oh phew!

  • He clung to his phone for dear life…
    Touch it, lose your hand by his knife!
    Then whilst he asleep,
    She took a quick peep.
    No longer is she known as wife.

    • It’s a condition called “High Sex Drive”
      Said the Master of Bullshit and Jive.
      When his lies were exposed,
      He got royally hosed
      And is lucky to be still alive.

  • His latest tart, hard as a nail,
    2 husbands gone,morals pale
    Lots of parties, drink and trips,
    looking strange…. a few nips?
    Saddo’s both, chasing the holy grail

  • You didn’t love and respect me no more,
    ‘Cause now you loved and respected the red haired whore,
    You fucked her while team building at your job,
    She blew you and you both knew that that was “twue wuv”.

    I did the pick me dance for a bit,
    But then I wised up and showed you the door.
    So now you can “wuv” freely your red haired whore,
    For I trust that you suck and are one big fuckwit.

  • You two douchebags connived and lied
    Ignored how my kids and I cried
    She’s crazy “but so kind and sweet,
    Only she can make my heart complete.”
    Sucker, everyone’s getting a ride.

  • There once was a husband called Nick
    Who thought himself incredibly slick
    He took every chance
    To show me romance
    Shame he had my friend attached to his dick.

  • Though her legs and diseases she was spreading
    Sure didn’t stop you from bedding
    A low rent white trash whore
    The price of walking out the door
    Is your daughter won’t have you in her wedding.

  • “But it’s you I want!’ he cries,
    Thinks I never noticed he lies.
    “Think of the children! Don’t rush!
    It wasn’t even comfortable shagging under that bush!”
    Thinks I can’t see the shit for the flies.

  • 20 plus years married to a narc
    But I was blindsided, he kept me in the dark
    He hid his true character covertly and well
    Lucky for me CL and CN saved me from enduring a life of hell
    Now the empty void has moved on to his AP, the tart

  • I had a love his name was Clyde,
    When Dr. Jekyll checked out all that was left was forever Mr. Hyde,
    Now I am a single mother,
    But it’s a lot less of a bother…
    And if OW may some day be his bride,
    All is well because to me… he sort of DIED

    Still looking for time to write CL my story for advise :/ Left me pregnant after infertility treatments for HIS infertility issue and he did it because he was scared to lose me. Now I am on another continent and he has never met his daughter and I miss my life which was on the other continent. ANd he did outrageaous shit, but now I have read so much here, well he fits right in with the crazy!

    All is not well though, I have huge issues about it all, I am far away from MEH. But divorce is almost finalized at least.

    CN has been a rock for me.

    • Now I’m glad your gone
      For you I no longer mourn
      For using your children’s hearts
      To tear down their mother starts
      Their pain, now it’s you they scorn

      They have to go through what I did
      Reliving false memories as you hid
      Using them to find whores
      They know it added excitement to your scores.
      Damage is what you wanted for your kid

      You lost
      At their cost
      Never more
      Fuck your whore
      Your burnt toast

      My adukt children have to go through the same process I did and it is torture. He used and abused his children for years to get supply. No that they know it they are suffering. He has his whore texting them. If your a chump with small children. Do whatever it takes to leave. They are soulless predators who destroy. This is a shitstorm your chikdren deserve better. I thought I was protecting them by staying. This I regret although we are working through it together. Predators.

  • A pastor gained hundreds of pounds
    Then whined, “Oh, why me? I’m so round!”
    Shmoopie cooed, “I will fix you,
    I will send naked pix to you!”
    Now I know he’s an asshole. Truth found.

  • Is there a limit to submissions? I went for a run and all I could do was write limericks in my head.
    I hope I can focus at work…

    A wee brained, wee dicked dude named Shit For Brains
    Went trolling in strip clubs and looked for dames
    Got off on the highs of the lust with the trickery
    Rewrote 30 years worth of marital history.
    His wife said bye bye-now a new life she gains!

  • There once was a pervert named Brian
    Who wanted anal sex to be tryin’
    He thought that he hid
    All that he did
    But now he’s home all alone and cryin’.

  • There once was an old whore named Carrie
    Who thought she’d steal a husband to marry
    She gave great head
    In the innocent wife’s bed
    …fuck the rhyme scheme
    I wish she were dead.

    ~~~~~~OK. not REALLY. The land of Meh is a wonderful place. 🙂

  • There once was a Fucktard named John
    Whose entitlement went on and on
    A serial cheater
    Pass the saltpeter
    Now I’m free and happy he’s gone

  • Though the marriage he promised to fix,
    he still sent messages to multiple chicks.
    No love for his wife,
    she got sick of that life.
    And told him “fuck you, hit the bricks.”

  • Hiya CN! I have been lurking here about 9 months, but this was too fun to pass up. 🙂
    There once was a troll named Rick
    He could only think with his dick
    I danced and I tried
    But he still cheated and lied
    Now his whore can play for the pick

  • Spouse suddenly “On Call” at all hours
    Excuses like meteor showers
    He prescribed, they ingested
    Until both got arrested
    Seems “On Call” held par-a-doc’s-ial powers

  • Another lurker coming out for the fun! I am loving reading all of these! Love this blog and all the commenters…it is my daily dose of sanity.
    Here are mine. I wrote one for one of the OW as well as for STBX.

    There once was a massage parlour whore
    Who took a married man home for more
    Now his stuff’s on the lawn
    And her meal ticket’s gone
    Cause child support is making him poor.

    There once was a “good Christian man”
    Who thought adultery was part of God’s plan
    Now he lives in poor health
    In a shed by himself
    And everyone knows he’s a sham.

  • Longtime lurker, same old story:

    My So-Cal prince was a fake-o
    Said Bel Air but he really meant Bak-o
    Has his next Stepford Wife
    But I found a great life
    On an island with a view of a lake-o.

  • Oh cheating Valentine of mine
    I composed you this thoughtful rhyme
    It’s too late I suppose
    But if you buy me a rose
    I’ll stick it where the sun don’t shine.

  • She was the matriarch to a family of trolls
    And publicly expressed her love in 65 little scrolls
    Cliche or tearjerker?
    She was his co-worker
    He broke up our family for her 2 wet holes.

    Not sure for what she was paid
    He signed her paycheque after he got laid
    I came upon the text
    Now I’m not having sex
    Thank you Amazon and UPS for the marital aid!

    He didn’t think his white man privileged life was a lot
    And she wasn’t young or even reasonably hot
    They’d work then hop into bed
    She was like the village moped
    It was a fun ride until he got caught

  • I thought you were the love of my life
    and I couldn’t wait to be your wife
    Even though you gave me hope of a future
    you ripped a hole in my heart that needs one big suture
    Just a suture because my heart isn’t broken
    because I came upon D-Day and have since woken
    You’re a dick and you make me sick
    In retrospect, what you did was just an old trick
    I am done with you you heart ripper
    You can’t break my or anyone’s heart, you’re not real, you’re just a fucking cheater

  • Not a poem but my all time favorite reply to something hateful the ex said to me:

    How ’bout you take your Cialis, wait 30 minutes and go fuck yourself.

    • OK, he could take the other stuff and be ready to fuck himself 24 hours a day, lol. You never know when the “need will arise”, like when you are eating a sandwich, walking to the mailbox, etc.

  • There once was a cheater named Paul
    Who thought he was God’s gift to all.
    Was only one glitch
    Forgot karma’s a bitch
    Now new wife keeps chains on his balls!

      • I’m having way too much fun with this… Woke up this morning with limericks bouncing around in my head!! Like one of those annoying songs you can’t get out of your mind. 🙂

          • Here’s my final one:

            Do you know the poor cheater, Li’l Boy Blue?
            Wronged by so many… he knows only to screw.
            Screws over his wife
            Screws APs for life
            Go back to your mommy for your big Boo Hoo!!!

            (I can come up with all kinds of alternate endings for this! Go back to your mommy – she’ll kiss your boo boos!… she’ll take care of you!… good riddance and fuck you!… and kiss my ass, too!!! etc 🙂

  • My cheater slept anonymously with women AND men,
    I will now never see him again,
    He contracted HIV,
    I’m still negative–luckily,
    Now I don’t have to be his mother hen.

  • You left us for whereabouts unknown
    Refused to talk or ever come home
    Your best friend’s wife called to report
    Your activities with the skank office torte
    And that her husband had pix of her in his phone

    Lovely. Nothing says twu wov like an std test. On him and me. Good times.

  • “You’re a useless lump” her ‘Alien’ declared

    That’s why I’m dumping you despite your ‘chumpy’ concerns

    I ain’t mad, it’s not a fad, I’m not even a little bit sad

    It’s just that I am, and always have been really really BAD”

  • Told the same story to every chick
    That a hernia caused his short dick
    Now she’s “won a great prize”
    Daily anal, and lies
    And skid marks from believing his schtick

    (OMG, this limerick would totally give away my identity if he ever read it. Who goes around excusing their tiny penis size by claiming a hernia repair caused it?! Only him.)

  • There once was a ho-worker named Blank
    Names don’t matter when you’re just a skank
    I left a cheater and gained a life
    Now she is the other wife
    One or both will cheat again, you can it to the bank!

  • I’ll play.

    Every morning
    I awake in disbelief
    How is this my life

    and…

    You lied to me when
    Promising fidelity
    You are a facade

    • Earl decided to dumpster dive!
      Suddenly, he exclaimed “Its Alive!”
      Pulled out Nancy by the hair
      With maggots flying through the air
      Hosed her down and geepers how they thrived.

    • What I’ll overlook for a dream girl
      A wife! My life! My thoughts swirl
      Alas, with tits to her knees
      Ugly as sin, a drunk a druggie if you please
      Brown bags her head cover so I won’t hurl.

  • There once was a cheater who wouldn’t change
    Although his actions were clearly deranged
    Chasing whores night and day
    Getting divorced along the way
    All for the conquest of strange.

  • Dear snake, you want cake with your kibble
    Oh please dear, just one more nibble
    Served your ass like a boss
    Fuck you it’s your loss
    I won’t take one minute more of your drivel

  • There once was a lying snake narc
    Who he thought kept his wife in the dark
    But smarter than he
    She took him down at the knees
    And is now happier than a lark

  • Cold in difference
    Sleep walking on cracking thin ice
    Submerging reality

    Sinking sinking down
    See the sun but not the surface
    Chill matches your heart

    Drowning on your own
    The shimmer slowly fades away
    Never allowed back

    With darkness you go
    Movement frozen as you fade
    Down where you belong

    • Wow. So many of these poems are incredibly good, but this one is particularly evocative. I’m glad you’re on OUR side!!!! ;0

  • I would have been true til the end
    But he wanted to fuck my best friend
    We had travel and riches
    But he wanted the bitches
    So I’ll grow my wings and transcend

  • Wow, I am Rhyme-ally challenged (and word challenged) but here you go:

    1)
    There was a covert narc called Kevin.
    With him it was always tough living.
    He thought himself a DJ
    Had a room at work for BJ’s
    Surprise, forgiveness not given!

    2)
    There was an OW called Marilyn
    At work the two were “Pork Barrelling”
    When I left him, this Schmoopie
    decided he was poopy
    because her he started devaluing!

  • OMG!
    LOL!
    If I sexted like this
    (& sent pics of my pussy)
    AND U sent me all the money
    We might still be together
    SMH.

  • And it was after that instance
    she discovered he’s a liar.
    He once was a true love of mine,
    a prince, a king and a man with fire.

    Maybe I’m to blame.
    I have carried around that false desire,
    Maybe I was the shame, the proof when you called me a constant crier.
    So please stop you true love of mine.
    Please stop I no longer wish to be part of your fire.

    Go out to the far beyond and follow your bliss.
    Stop dragging me along I am done drowning knowing about the other Miss.
    There were many, they had no meaning you said
    You seem to always forget
    each of them was a mermaid in your net.

    I say good by,
    you now wish I would cry.
    I stop dancing in the moonlight and pull the curtain
    no more of this unworthy hurting.

  • 3D-days 4 whores and 1 weiner
    You wouldn’t think he could get any meaner
    “But, I NEEEEEDED strange snatch!”
    Ester Perle says it’s “natch”
    So my attorney whipped up a supeon-ER

    He cried! It was all a mistake!
    I didn’t know I was hooked on the cake”
    He said “I’ll do better!”
    “I’ll even knit you a sweater!”
    Shoulda drowned him right then in the lake.

    Oh he did it, this time in our bed!
    With some skank whore-a-rama redhead
    “We could ALL get along
    if I can share my long sclong!”
    I shuddered, screamed “I’d rather be dead!”

    He begged and pleaded “let me stay?”
    “Can’t believe your lyin’ eyes they all say!”
    But I packed up that troll
    Threw out his asshole
    And said “yay, finally found MY Tuesday!” ?

  • I gave him the farm and my vow
    But he wanted more milk PLUS this cow
    So he snuck out for newer
    But he slipped in manure
    Now he’s making his bed with a sow

  • Hello everyone. I’m new here. I stumbled upon Chump Lady about October last year and finding this site and all the wonderful chumps (just like me….I never knew SO MANY of us existed) has been a real turning point for me. I couldn’t resist trying a little poem, so here goes….

    I once was a silly old dope
    For being so full of hope
    Thanks to Chump Nation
    There’s no more frustration
    Ya’ll showed me the best way to cope

  • I made another one too…

    There once was a prick named G
    Who went on a fuck-fest spree
    His family’s forgotten
    The bloke’s just rotten
    With a brain the size of a pea

  • I once had a close friend from France
    Who rummaged in my husband’s pants.
    She paid him homage
    But now – Quel dommage!
    the itch from her crumbly croissants.

  • Ya done stomped on my heart
    Ya tore it all apart
    Darlin’ you just sorta
    Mashed on my aorta
    Replac’n it on Tuesday with book galley and art

  • We’re happy together, thought me.
    Weathered twenty good years plus three.
    Then husband got caught
    Doing things he should not.
    Now I have a house on the beach and I’m free!!!

  • Her office as board president she used
    Demanded communal trust to abuse
    She stuck out her ass
    For a married member with gas
    Then got mad when “to be with her” he refused

    (poor dumbo) — I left him by the way! My divorce settlement is done this month!

  • I was once married to a girl whose name reminded you of a stripper
    She left me and lied to me for an old guy who is a dipper
    Now I’m happy as can be
    Not miserable like she
    After everything she put me through I feel like I won this one for The Gipper.

  • I came to realize to him I was a magazine rack.

    To store his inadequacies, cheat and come back.

    Replacing me took way to long
    I moved him out and became strong

    Alas, he found a smaller container, an insignificant nicknack

    • That’s my question = was it worth it? And what, specifically, was “it”? Beyond the orgasm, if there was anything beyond it.

      I’ve read about men’s ability to compartmentalize, but my STBX has lost so much – much of it intangible – that it’s hard to believe he would CHOOSE this road.

      But he did. And he’s different than I thought he was. Which still blows my mind. And makes me scared that I could be so deceived. And destroys my faith in mankind in a way I never anticipated.

        • The disordered are a veritable chest of compartments, kind of like those ancient Chinese medicine chests with 50 little drawers.

      • Roaring, I often wonder, what was he thinking?! Mine led a secret life, I did not have a clue or suspect anything until about six months before D day. I believe he thought he would never be caught, and if he was I would ‘get over it’. He has lost so much and he knows it, and so have I. Serial cheater, were all those orgasms worth it?

      • I think they believe it was worth it because they feel justified in their actions — not at fault. It was because the non-cheating spouse wasn’t meeting cheater’s needs in some way, shape or form. Any fallout after D-Day (in cheater’s mind) is solely due the unsuspecting spouse being unreasonable… They are right and you are wrong. Period. An absolutely no win situation when dealing with a warped mind. When I filed for divorce because of his cheating and abuse, I was blamed for breaking up the family because I wanted to divorce, he didn’t. His serial cheating & mistreatment of me was irrelevant. He said he was sorry. I could have forgiven him…blah, blah, blah. Endless cycle of bullshit.

        • Nancy you did so well
          My life’s no longer a living hell
          Diapers are sold in bukk I hear
          Joanne, Cheryl, and Sharon you’ll fear
          Multiple phones, sexting from many a cell.

    • I suspect mine thinks it was worth it–both because of what Over & Out said-that it was my fault for not meeting his needs, and because he ended up high & mighty: new girlfriend 20 years younger than him (probably an AP), new million dollar mansion, and no consequences except youngest daughter won’t speak to him (also my fault, apparently).

  • I couldn’t help myself… I came up with a few more. These are sort of therapeutic to write. Ha!

    His ego didn’t fit through the door
    Found himself a co-worker whore
    They lived in deceit
    Thought it fun to cheat
    Not behind my back ANYMORE!!

    There once was a dick and a twat
    Who thought it exciting to not get caught
    But I discovered their sexting
    Thought it less than perplexing
    So a lawyer and Tuesday I sought!

    Fuck you. Fuck you.
    I hope you get the pig flu
    You shat on our family
    Oh, you are sooooo manly
    Enjoy your new life with a shrew

  • My Valentine conundrum
    Discarded my life for this one
    Never stopped seeing another
    If I see her I will blow my cover
    Yes! I’ll split the day and have fun

  • Ahh, my famous little basement-dweller
    Your years of cheating, simply, are quite stellar.
    Throw the wife in the trash,
    And steal all the cash,
    All while enjoying your yummy Hot-Pocket stash!

  • A year ago after Valentine’s Day
    My heart was broken in the most cruel way
    Husband fucked a slut in our car
    Ruined the seat now there you are
    To his mom’s with no car he went to stay.

  • Leave a cheater gain YOUR life!
    Side-step all that struggle and strife!

    Don’t Pick Me Dance!
    Don’t take the chance!

    For that cheater to continue to demoralize!

  • I suck at this but here goes;

    I told him to move in with the teacher
    He told me he would no longer reach her
    Caught him again, how he raised my ire!
    Was determined he’d die in a fire
    Too bad he didn’t fit in the fryer…

    He fucked an elementary teacher, first grade!
    Too bad she isn’t well paid
    If she was, he’d have left me
    But back he tried to get me
    Now he’s stuck with a broke ass old maid!

    He found a soul mate
    Someone he came to hate
    This cycle is his fate

    His song disharmonious
    My song remembered
    Strength in dancing anew

  • There once was a guy with a gun
    He thought he had me undone
    He lost my compassion
    I committed his ass, he turned ashen
    He never expected an end run

  • OK, I’ll play. First post, though I’ve been reading for about a year and I can’t pass up a chance to wax poetic. Here’s one of each:

    There once was a “dancer” from Keating
    Whose apartment had much better seating
    For all that good time
    Didn’t charge him a dime
    “Good guy” paid her bills…guilt-free cheating!

    Silent closet. Sit.
    Sobbing, heaving, knock-knock. What?
    Yes, Kids. I’m coming.

  • I “lost” him to “no competition”:
    The shrink (with her license revoked).
    Fresh out of marriage, that lasted a minute,
    His own children’s age…let them croak…

  • Hi Everyone,
    I’ve never commented before but have been so grateful for Chump Lady and Chump Nation for the past 2 years. Here, I have put my 4 years of hell into 7 verses:

    My Ex as a very skilled hunter,
    Went and caught a very young Munter,
    She was silly you see,
    To triangulate with me,
    Cause that gave me an excuse to confront her.

    OW was not only flirty,
    She liked to get right down and dirty,
    But his old dick was a flop,
    She had more luck with her mop,
    And that made him all cranky and shirty.

    The affair left this poor chump alone,
    Frail and withered right down to the bone,
    First she found Chump Nation,
    Then Righteous Indignation,
    And she enjoyed living life on her own.

    Now this chump is so ‘meh’ you can tell,
    She’s moved on from her own private hell,
    A new man she now fancies,
    Right down to his panties,
    And that man thinks this chump is real swell

    To new chumps who’ve been plunged into darkness,
    By spouses so cold and so heartless,
    Stay on this site,
    Where you’ll find some respite,
    Over time you’ll recover and be marvellous.

    Sometimes life is as painful as hell,
    And we think it can’t possibly end well,
    Well I can only advise you,
    Once you’ve fought your way right through,
    On this pain, you will no longer dwell.

    So bear witness to your own recovery,
    While making each and every discovery,
    That all along it was him,
    And NOT YOU, who was grim,
    Then you will realise once more that you’re lovely.

    Sending love to all Chumps this Valentines Day.

  • First time poster. Reader of CL for a few months. So happy to have found this blog! Thank you CL and CN! I never knew I was a Chump until I started reading; eye-opening.

    So, here is my poem. I hope its not too graphic, but it’s the truth. STBX did tell me about 20 years ago the he was a genius. I now question that as he has lied to me about so many things and I question so much that he told me now. I also found *used* Kleenex under is desk where he “worked” and also a used Kleenex in his drawer. I guess he threw it in there to hide it real quick? No doubt he was viewing porn and then using the Kleenex to clean up his mess. When I confronted him about it, he just kept saying, “No porn.” Just another lie in an ocean full of lies. I’d really like to see my poem drawn into a picture! lol

    My ex-assbrain told me he was a genius
    I came to find out that he only thinks with his penis
    When it became too hard (pun intended) to think
    His love for me began to shrink
    When I found out he shoots his brains into a Kleenex

  • If only you skydived with a defective parachute
    Or fell off a cliff while fixing your boot
    Maybe contracted a fatal gum disease
    Or was caught by the husband of the sleaze
    Becoming spontaneously combustible, would be a hoot.

  • When the whore uttered my nickname to me
    It proved she was there when you said, “Love you, Charlie.
    My heart sank to a new low that day
    For the insult and injury you did pay
    Sociopath, narcisdist, sadist, I see.

  • My ex f**ks a whore called Louise
    She does everything she can to please
    After she’d sucked on his dick
    I threw him out quick
    Yet he begged to come back on his knees

  • Disinfectant, bug repellant not a moment to soon
    These I give to you Nancy as your sweet perfume
    Roach killer, rat poison for you my dear serial cheating Earl
    I’ll keep you chained to the bed tonight to keep you from that other girl.
    On one condition my love, lengthen my chain so I can reach the bathroom.