Fourth Annual Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest
It’s February and you know what that means, chumps? It’s time again for our annual Chump Lady Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest!
During this season of love, roses, and cut-rate chocolates, it’s important to remember the less fortunate — those poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get a review galley of the new book and a cartoon drawn of their poem. I will announce the winner on February 15. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
To inspire you, here are some former winners with cartoons:
He thought he perfected his tricks
But cell tracking exposed him real quick
His 2 am fuck
Means he’s all out of luck
I’m done GPS-ing his dick
And here’s one with some Southern grit and a twist of karma.
Ya done went an found ya another,
Cos yer home life started to smother.
Now its yer turn to crawl,
Call Jerry Springer, y’all!
Cos I hear she’s been fuckin’ yer brother!
I will leave this post up until next Monday but you can enter submissions until February 14, Valentine’s Day. (I need some time to draw.)
Chumps, I know you’ve got some bad Valentines in you. Bring IT!
There once was a husband named Will
With a void inside him he needed to fill.
So he found whores with tear jerkers
(I call them ho-workers)
And now pays a huge child support bill.
For 36 years all I did was prance
hopping to the tune of the Pick Me dance
Yes, it sucks that everywhere you fucked
But now I am the one with the luck
And she’s the one in the trance.
Randy had salt & pepper hair with a receding hair line, so he got hair plugs and a dark dye.
The neighbors laughed and I said “why”?
The next thing I knew, when the kids and I were away, Randy found some eye candy on the Golf course where he plays.
Randy may be Old, but he did have some cash. So what do you know, a 21 year old bible bumping Hun dangled a carrot and that was the end of our 15 year marriage.
This is great. Not a haiku or a limerick, but it creates a movie in our heads.
The embrace unmasked
His hidden Demonic grin
Revealing his soul
My eyes were shut tight to the narc
The lying the cheating all done in the dark
But one day I knew
Cuz it just had to spew
Now I’m as free as a lark
I once had a husband named Dave
Who died and went to his grave
In his papers he hid
All the cheating he did
And my grief washed away like a wave
But on the plus side
He was courteous enough to die.
What??? Unicornno more, you found out only after he died about his sordid adventures as if he were writing a sex memoire?? My heart really goes out to you if this is the case!
Yes, there are like 3 of us here with those circumstances, Heatdeath being one. Nowdeadhusband did cop up a confession to a single EA, but I found bigger, uglier info in 3 big helpings since he died…the most recent being 9 months ago when I learned he was a serial cheater.
Im going to be speaking at a Grief Seminar later this month and they asked me to be in a panel discussion and Im toying around with the idea of telling the whole truth…it is unlikely to ever get back to my daughter …maybe there are chumps there who need a mighty former chump to help them feel brave.
This was among the many things my adult daughter said…what if he died and THEN we found all of this out?!
That was me too. On 2-3 occasions, I found some somewhat inappropriate, but not utterly damning texts. She assured me they were nothing – I thought they were, at most, EAs. After she died in late August I found a massive archive of chatlogs in her email detailing at least a dozen cybersex partners and at least 5 physical boyfriends, at least one of whom she had sex with, from before we married up to about about 2 years ago – right when the substance started getting bad.
Obligatory poetry:
[Haiku because I’m a computer science major, so counting syllables is easy but rhyming is hard 🙂 ]
Sudden passing, shock.
Soul is a leaf on the wind,
Secrets revealed.
Wind blows through the tree.
Soul is a leaf plucked and lost.
Secrets fall like dew.
His reflection lit…
Sparkling in rays of sunlight.
Clouds reveal the truth.
I like this one. 🙂
Alternate last line: “Secrets fall like dew.” Haikus are always better when you lean on the nature imagery as much as possible.
I once had a man who was sick
He loved taking pics of his dick
It was as small as a midge
Sat on a shit-sandwich
Which is more than a millimetre thick
Fight for your marriage!
He’s just in a fog! they said.
That’s one long-ass fog.
There was a man who fucked a cheap whore
Because she always begged him for more
She shampooed with his ejaculate
When her hair was immaculate
Now his wife shouts “pick me!” no more
Sorry, couldn’t resist doing two. Thank you for cheering me up today Chumplady, this made me chuckle.
Kudos to you for rhyming “ejaculate”!
When he left I was sad and depressed,
He made out like he was just stressed,
Found a note about her,
OMG! He’s a cur!
I hope she likes small ones the best.
There once was a ghost chasing skank
Who wanted my husband who drank
She laid it on thick
While she sucked on his dick
Now I’m free, and I have her to thank
There once was a man with an ego
Blowing smoke up his ass was a need-o
She did it so fine
His dick felt like a shrine
And now I am free from his reach-o.
I changed “ghost chasing shank” to “gross white trash skank” and it’s my fucktard husband to a tee!
Thanks all. It was fun to take out the quill pen. Christina, ‘gross white trash skank’ is exactly what this one is!! BIG TIME. She knows how to flirt ‘real good’ though. He feels so full of himself when he’s with her I’m sure. These people all really deserve each other don’t they.
Hahaha, this made my day!! Sounds just like my STBX husband!!
Julia – A fine piece of work, indeed.
OMG!!! LOL…….I love it, Julia!!
Surprise! I’m a douche!
Had sex with a slew of skanks.
Happy Valentine’s.
This could have been written about me. My D-Day was Valentine’s Day 2015 – when, after a lovely dinner, he admitted to two affairs – in the past year I found evidence of at least 14 other women besides the two he originally admitted to. I quit looking after a couple of months, but the ones I found were all within a two year period. He really is an overachiever. However, the whole thing really WAS my fault — after all, he wanted me to go to work, but I am the idiot that took the better paying job working evenings and weekends. Twenty years wasted. My next relationship will involve cats — lots and lots of cats.
Awwww, thanks!
I vote for this one
Surprise I’m a douche LOL
genius
Best haiku ever.
Your fate is no longer pending
My trust is far beyond mending
Get outta my house
Massage parlor louse
It’s time for MY Happy Ending
Hilarious!
Nice!!!
LIKE !
So many good entries already! This one cracked me up.
This egg for the win on massage parlor johns.
Love this!
You had a massage parlor adventurer, as well? I really believed him when he said he was just getting massages to feel well and buying illegal marijuana there because a legit facility was too expensive. Only cost us about $300-$700 a week for his little habit.
Oh yes
Started w/ ‘massages’ then branched out to strippers & hookers. Funny how ‘just massages’ or ‘dances’ required the smuggling of a little blue pill & several hundred $$. Fuckers don’t think we can count, or use gps.
He favored massage parlors, hookers and porn
constantly whacking away on his horn
He loved “Pay for Play”
So I sent him away
living a great life is my new norm!
Awesome!!
Oh Chumpty-I had one of those too-massage parlors, hookers, craigslist & incessant iporn !
All I can say is good riddance!!
My small haiku entry:
massage parlors, craigslist & porn
you are living the fantasy
divorce is my new reality
Like!
No let’s take a look at the narc
They lie and they cheat in the dark
And when it comes out
We cry and we shout
Now gone is the diabolical mark
should start mine with Now
My ex hid his Schmoopie quite well,
He was cheating but I couldn’t tell,
I can only surmise
That she overlooks size
And she clearly must be dumb as hell.
My favorite!!! Speaks to my story and soul and tickles me so!!
Hahahaha. This is terrific, YoSeat
I love this one 🙂 !
Love this!!
Love it! lol
THIS ^ made my morning.
Three years ago I discovered you cheat
Gave you the chance to make us complete
You continued to lie
And and I thought I would die
But instead I kicked your ass to the street
There once was a cheater called Walter,
Whose excuses began to falter,
“It’s not me you see,
But my MPD,
I didn’t fuck her, t’was my alter!”
True story. This cheater claimed that HE didn’t cheat on his wife. No no, he was faithful and true. What happened instead was that one of his other personalities cheated on her. Yup, he had self-diagnosed MPD – ironclad defense!
One of our members wondered why this cheater hadn’t also accuses his wife of cheating on him with one of his other personalities. 😀
The accent, the hair
Nicknamed “Fabio” – he preened.
Now I laugh at him.
There once was a medic named Fletch
Who fancies himself a GREAT catch
if luck was on your side,
YOU could be his next “ride”
( but the ambulance was the safer bet)
My ex-wife thought she was so clever and smart.
What she was, was living without a heart.
Banging bar trash,
Our marriage now ash.
About her I wouldn’t give a fart.
Nice one, DM.
satan is a traveling salesman,
Dispensing sextimates from his company S-10.
he took up door to door whoring,
Bought a secret cell phone to keep it going.
Now THIS CHUMP is FREE of his BEDLAM
😀
I had a husband named Nate,
His family was all disordered hate,
I thought he was different,
I felt so insignificant,
But, now I am mighty and GREAT!
same with mine! I thought he was different than his disordered family. Now I know to look at the siblings too.
+1
(clapping) heheeee You guys are fabulous poets! I sure am enjoying these limericks hahaha
You guys rock! Mine’s a little gross, but here goes:
.
There once was a man named Bob
Who stuck his dick in a hog
Now he runs queries
of symptoms of herpes
it’s everyone else’s fault
My wasbund found cheating a thrill
But paying for a slunt doesn’t take great skill
On craigslist he scored
It was his dick he adored
Now he gets to pay for my attorney’s bill
Love it!
I have been lurking for 2-3 years. This is my first post, but I could not resist!
He took so many “business trips” to ball her
Where he made her squeal like a pig and holler
No cost for the beds
Because they are feds
So it was all courtesy of YOUR tax dollar!
*slow clap*
Excellent first post! Started off with a bang…
So did my ex…..It’s how I got here.
Pa-dump-pum! (Rimshot)
My ex was a long-distance trucker
Who found me a real easy sucker
(In more ways than one)
Now my limerick’s done
But at least I escaped that old fucker!
LMFAO. This place has the best people! I walked away, but couldn’t stop the f-ing rhyming in my head. 16 yr old home sick, I mindlessly asked what rhymes with pecker. Had to WTF myself. Still, his clueless response? Wrecker.
Deck her.
Um…that was supposed to follow Topshelf’s reply.
LMAO–don’t lurk any more, Topshelf!! You’re stellar!
A stunning first post, Topshelf!
Thanks. I have to make fun or I will lose my sanity!
Ain’t that lovely, cheaters who uses OUR TAX DOLLARS for their trysts. AARRRRRGGGG!!!
Great limerick, topshelf.
This makes me mad on so many levels! Love the poem, though!
The OW sent me a letter
So I could understand her better
“Sorry about the affair”
She wrote how she cared
The day Cheater cheated on her.
Nancy now gets the blame
As narcissists have no shame
She’s too rough and raw
Won’t see his children because of whore
He’s too embarrassed to be seen with her in public.
A series of haikus, if you will:
Father of the Year
Imagine if they knew you’re
Dodging child support?
Devourer of cash
Money launderer of doom
No college fund left
Finally interrupted
Years of booze and party pics
For one pic of kid
Here’s one:
Five-thirty a.m.
She comes home in daughter’s dress
And new hair – how cute!
I’m too gobsmacked t o find words to say
‘Bout my wife, who has just walked away
She says the kids’ spirits are fine,
And who cares about mine?
It’s only been 3 and a half months since D-Day.
A narcissist known as Christine
On an old college friend was quite keen
So they went down to the beach
Where he made her scream and screech
And me? Now she’s gone, I’m serene!
Wishing to taste strange “sparkling waters”
In a 2-star hotel she caught hers
Taking it up the ass
Was too hard to pass
To hell with her husband and daughters
You’re on fire, topshelf! Welcome to CN!
This is so sad
Clearly not my strong suit – must use a Boston accent.
There once was a man named Bob
Whose dick just wouldn’t get hard
He got him some steroids
But it only failed OY!
Now he runs fast and far
Love that their names are left out on any given day, but a book galley AND a cartoon? His real name is Rob.
Reconcile? Ha! That’s a myth!
Who cares who he cheated with?
I TOLD him I’d leave
If he ever deceived
And I did. The same day. Forthwith!
So jealous! You rock Gypsy57
That’s great!
Narc, Psycho, I have PTSD…oh thank god I’m finally free.
She’s his new hostage, happy he’s not, his lies and cheating are certainly alot.
She is stuck with old baldy… who she thought was rich…. only to find out karma’s a bitch.
His truth will come out, just like before and he will move on to his next whore.
His mom must be so proud, his shame for all to see, more damage to add to their family tree, all flying monkeys a whore and a junkie and baby makes 3.
Tables have turned, she’s paying MY rent, every dollar, every cent.
Bye bye loser you fucking scum, oh what the heck… NC now….just send the check.
little red riding hood – those haiku’s are really good, you just need to write them out proper, like! 😀
A loser, a cheat,
I threw him out in the street.
Good luck, whore, I’m free!
My ex said he needed an attractive wife.
Among other things that’s what started the strife.
I googled and found out he was a covert narc
Finding out he’s a cluster b gave me the spark
So I left a cheater and gained a life.
Nice one!
Ho-worker says they couldn’t fight fate
Ex Asshat says my pick me dance was too late
Now ya’ll like to play house with my kid
Thank God of your ass I am rid
And now for Karma I sit back and wait
Ok this is too fun…
Skank OW, at the tender age of twenty two
Decided that their wuv was twu
Though witnessing your trainwreck is entertaining
I’ve got my next date over there waiting
But, yes I am totally gonna laugh when he cheats on you too
I thought staying was doing the right thing
So I spent nine years awash in gaslighting
Trying not to feel stuck
But he didn’t give a fuck
Now I do my own Valentine-Might-ing.
Sad paunchy bald man needed kibbles
On Backpage Escorts he bought dick nibbles
Believed that whores thought him a stud
In reality he has a fat Pud
And his stream is merely a dribble
BP Escorts? A blast from the past I had completely forgotten. Bald, paunchy pud, too. High fees are a given when this is what your days look like. (hashtag ‘there’s not enough money’)
My entries are ‘re-cycles’ from one of CL’s earlier posts that wasn’t a contest…..
Goodbye to the mindfuck, lies and deceit.
The only truth you spoke was when you told me
You were hungry, horny or needed to pee.
There lives a narc named Oskar.
He uses women to prosper.
He picked the wrong one;
She said ‘this is not fun’.
He was kicked to the curb and he lost her.
Hahahaha! Mine speaks only those truths as well!!
My wife, my true love of life so I thought
For thirty three years she was mine until caught
Making love in our bed with another man
The Chump you see had foiled her seven year plan
I love you she says, but why can’t you see I’m distraught!
Ugh. Thirty-three years… she deserves a box of withered black roses for Valentine’s Day… or worse…
I appreciate the suggestions…just got an email from her last
night telling me how she sent our Grandson a gift from both of us…
explaining, she thought I would not have time to do that so…
of course the beautiful – thoughtful Cheater Grandma did…
can we all say “manipulation queen” together! LOL
Haiku read by cheater to chump
love is ABC
from my AP, ABC
u 2!: ABC!!
Underemployed nurse
Man child does: nothing useful,
Hookers, with my cash.
This is especially hurtful since he once gave all my cards (debit, credit, points) individual haiku love poems about us.
He believed he was one special snowflake
So he slept with the first he could take
He wanted me to dance
But I refused that farce
He can have a divorce, but no cake
D wants to see sis–
“She won’t see me, can’t see her!”
Who’s the grownup here?
There was was man named P
Who on the surface was as nice as can be
He needed happiness for his dick
Younger wife, two new kids…now he’s always sick
I stand by and say “hee hee”
My ex wife used to hump and be shady
Coincidentally her maiden name was O’Grady
Even though I was forewarned
I thought I would find my unicorn
A 2×4 is what I needed thanks to Chump Lady
This is fantastic!
A whore from the gym
Squats to get his attention
She can have his butt
There once was a man who loved Dick,
He was also a bit of a prick,
He now lives alone, alone with his Bone,
And memories that make his wife sick.
What does a cheater say?
Not that often through all the years.
Are you fucking kidding me?
This one made me laugh hard
Nice work, Jumper.
I think I’m at Meh
Had happy mem’ry today
Without tears or pain
Jayne, I love that.
Good Heavens Above
Of course, it’s Tuesday today!
Happy, happy me!
I’m not in the thick of discovery or divorce, but my ex is mad at me because I stick to NC and haven’t forgiven his betrayal or become best friends with his wifetress.
“Let’s always be friends
As long as you stay a chump.”
Too bad– I’m mighty!
There once was a cheater sex addict
His priority was always his dick
He chose his friend “Mel”
Then things all went to hell
Now he thinks his new life is the pits.
Many years wasted, being a cheater
Buddies saying “It’s cheaper to keep ‘er.”
Then I found all this shit on his friends
Told the wives- you know how this ends…
“Your shit’s on the lawn and I have a new lawyer.”
Oooh. Good one. What an asshole.
STBX has a tiny appendage
He tugs at it hourly, which seems odd at his age
He pays whores to be “intimate”
But he can’t last a minute
Too much tugging, too much rage
Like a detective….
(we can agree you’re a dick)
…you Sherlock your Hol(m)es
There once was a bloke, I wish in his sleep I had choked
His old bent penis near the end would go missing in action
So his doctor told him to go screw another for satisfaction
He took that advice literally and moved to S E Asia
And now he is living in so called paradise and fantasia