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Social Media Shame for Deadbeats

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Screen Shot 2016-02-11 at 8.04.02 AMGod bless the state of Arizona and governor Doug Ducey.

It’s not like me to praise an arid state known for its golf courses and Republican politics, but I could hug the policymakers who brought shame back to child support enforcement. Seriously, come here Doug Ducey, so I can kiss you and throw confetti.

According to NBC news:

Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey this week launched a campaign to crack down on “the worst of the worst” parents who are ignoring child support payments, posting their names and photos to Twitter and Facebook. The hope is that the public shaming will make some of them pay up and give other dads (and moms) second thoughts about evading child support.

Ducey, a father of three, called out “deadbeat dads” in his State of the Union address on Monday, saying he was troubled by the high number of vulnerable children in Arizona.

“For too long, you’ve been able to remain anonymous — able to skirt your financial and legal responsibilities with no shame. Not anymore,” the governor proclaimed. Effective immediately, he said, the state would begin posting the photos, names and money owed by “these losers” to social media, with the hashtag #deadbeat.

Oh, I know the cynics among you may say it’s a simple feel-good fix to shame deadbeats. When really it’s all about the evil machinations of the State to keep the children off tax-payer funded social services and make poor parents pay their way. Poor scofflaw sausages can’t afford kids! Look, it’s very hard to make enough as a screenplay writer living in your mother’s basement. Affair partners need shoes too!

Look, if you’ve ever had the misfortune of dealing with your state’s Child Support Enforcement office — the dank Soviet waiting rooms, the endless maze of automated phone reception, the hang ups, the pervading dread of Abandon Hope All Ye Who File Wage Garnishment — you will REJOICE at this news.

Social media shame. So simple! So PERFECT. Hope it comes up on your dating profiles, assholes!

I mean, seriously! Ever had anyone owe you a four-figure sum? 5? 6?! Drug lords kill over less. Why more deadbeat parents aren’t at the bottom of a lake in cement shoes baffles me.

You think I’m being harsh? You try single parenting on a fixed income and then check out the exe’s Facebook page and see his latest Mediterranean cruise. (Just a little highlight from my life, there.)

The system has to change. Child support enforcement is complete INSANITY. Let the state do it? Great when it works, sucks when it doesn’t! Then the deadbeats work under the table, switch jobs, move states, refuse to pay insurance or court-ordered extras and you have to take them to court (expensive), and they get what? A contempt charge? How many contempt charges? And not a SINGLE ONE goes to jail because hey, if they go to jail, then they can’t pay support.

Taking away their drivers’ licenses and passports or tax refunds is a start. But it’s a long road of bureaucratic hell to get there. Social media shame by the STATE is a wonderful solution. It’s now. It’s real time. And it fucks up their impression management. I LOVE IT.

Imagine a future where we could leave Yelp reviews for our exes.

AMOS FINKBINDER. Owes $16,430.43 in back support. Baby daddy to several floozies. Rotten parent to all unfortunate enough to breed with him.

A girl can dream…

Meanwhile, a big thank you to Gov. Doug Ducey! Chumps, petition your state today to social media shame deadbeats. Hey, deadbeat parents — you want to screw over my child? #Notonmydime

 

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • You are absolutely correct!!! A former friend of mine and his wife divorced- he got full custody, and she moved to MS and he can’t do squat to get the money she owes him! He would have to hire an attorney in MS, and then file, and MS doesn’t really “worry” about enforcing child support orders from another state…Texas (from what I’ve heard) is a haven for dead-beats for the same reason- only even if you get an attorney in Texas and file against the dead-beat in TX, you have to start all over with a divorce hearing, give testimony, etc.-again that’s what I’ve heard from someone whose ex moved to Texas after their divorce and didn’t pay her a dime.

    • I just won arrears and increased spousal support from my ex. I supported him to a 6 figure salary when he left me for the next door neighbor. I had been a stay at home mom.
      I immediately enrolled in university and went for full support plus alimony to get me through a 4 year degree and a year to secure work.
      Throughout that time, they moved in together and share expenses. You should have seen the judges face when he heard about their trips and expenditures yet citing “financial hardship” making 3 times what I do!
      After 5 years apart the judge increased my spousal support payments! Pretty much unheard of.
      I’ll garnish every penny and continue to do so. I won’t sit back and let him get away with not paying. He thinks because he pays some and buys groceries when the kids are with him that he is super dad.
      Unfortunately where I live I have to go to court every year that he doesn’t adjust his payments.
      Oh….and here’s a kicker….my ex is a cop.

      • They feel like they are Above the Law !!! My X was a retired Sheriff so I understand the personality. He is 2 years behind and he owns his own business in Jacksonville Florida. He is claiming he doesn’t receive any income from it !!! I am happy to hear that the system is working for You. Get every penny that is owed to your children.

    • Hey girl!! — My city publicly shames Johns too — yay!!!! — dudes that hire prostitutes. Yeah, they got the legal heat, the men are the ones who get their face plastered all over the tv screen, and the computer screen would be even better. Bust the Johns — make their transaction publicly known!

  • Wonderful! It’s also the reason I actually support those cheater websites as well. Posting the AP actually broke them up, which was wonderful. I didn’t want to get back together, but I didn’t want that brazen hussy near my daughter either. Goal achieved. You’d be surprised how well public shame works with narcissists. They aren’t really mortified like normal would be, but they cannot deny or ignore the effects of public shaming in the same way as other consequences.

    • I do not support those sites. Most of them are scams to get people to pay to have the image scrubbed. There is no verification that those people are, in fact, cheaters. (Although I know you can upload “proof.”) And your ex could do it to YOU.

      Child support is different. It’s calculated and kept track of by the STATE. It’s a real verifiable record. And it should be made PUBLIC.

    • I’d like to suggest that we social media the hell out of today’s post. Start changing the conversation. CS debt should be made public and searchable at the very least. Shaming would be a nice extra, IMO.

      • It’s true that there is no verification for cheater sites except the TRUTH. You can sue for libel and win for untrue statements if someone puts you up on a cheater site. You cannot if it’s true. The truth is an absolute defense against defamation. The OW hired an attorney to send me a cease and desist letter, that conspicuously did not threaten to sue for defamation–because she couldn’t. I win a defamation case handily if she or he did the same to me since I didn’t have an affair. Of course, it might be a hassle to deal with the legal issues if that happened, but a threatening letter might suffice.

        • Anyway, it worked for me. Others can make up their minds. I just wanted the truth to be out there–to both ruin their narrative and to keep my daughter away from that whore. Others might feel differently.

          But I would totally do the same for child support. There is no reason for you or your children to suffer more at the hands of an irresponsible cheater. The truth genreally ruins their narrative and that’s a good thing.

        • Better to send private messages to all of OW’s FB friends and family. Google “nuclear exposure marriage builders” on how to effectively pull this off.

          • Oh, I did this too. All of it worked really well. It goes from being “tru wuv” to a total and utter embarrassment on all fronts. I do agree that friends and family exposure is the most effective.

            At the end of the day, the truth is the truth and there is nothing wrong with declaring it to everyone. Do it once, get it over with and then move on. I actually found it a very healing act (it would have been without the internet exposure as well, I just had a good time doing that)–that in declaring the truth to everyone important, I was protecting myself and my daughter from his lies.

            I think the CS thing is the same. They SHOULD be ashamed of not supporting their children. What low lives.

            • I strongly agree with you, Piglet. “The truth will set you free” has been my motto since my own D-Day 9 months ago, although I’m not religious. I’m still struggling with a lot of shame and embarrassment (I know I shouldn’t feel that way) but every time I share the truth I feel a little bit more able to handle the reality of my situation. (The situation being, I was discarded). How was your experience in dealing with any backlash?

              • Agree truth is so freeing. Something cheaters can not do. They pay no child support or bother with their kids in favor of the new kids. Not all but a lot of them. Asswipe is all up in the whores kids and family while mostly ignoring his own with total disregard for his own chidren and they are grown, if his kids and family jumped on his side and kissed his ass and told him what a good thing he did fucking me over boy oh boy would he be happy. Fucking me over wasnt bad enough he wants my kids and his family who ive loved respected for 30 years to hate me too. Just love and accept the whore. All of our friends all jumped on his side. We need a movement to call these fuckers out on how horribly they treat their discarded families and how they are not good kind people.

              • It is time enough to stop rewarding adult bad behavior and call them out on it! Fuck these people and those who make excuses for them! Some fucker turns his/her back on their own children to raise and support someone elses kids! Unacceptable! They should be tied to a post at the local mall with full disclosure on a sign stating who they are, where they work what theyve done and naming the other party and the new kids him/her abandoned thier own for. I am so sick of the lying and blame shifting that goes on in the world and these fuckers get away with it every day and smugly and gleefuly tell the world just happened nobody got killed, nobody died, its all good. We are happy! These fucking destroyers of life, of families, of innocent children and this motherfucker wants to be my friend after he insulted his own kids, called them rotten dsyfuctional bastards who are far from perfect and not perfect and flawless like that whore kids. Her kids are way better than his! Since when do his kids suck, since he met her! I will not be friends, stay friends with or listen to this nonsense ever again will be kicked from my life. Fuck these people call them out!

              • Just Jumped–I got backlash mostly from “friends” and his brother who wasn’t mean but said something along the lines of “what do you gain from telling people.” To my brother-in-law, I said, “I gain people knowing the truth so he can’t parade is mistress around my daughter and act like they got together only after we divorced.” His mother and father were silent by that point. They basically stopped talking to me after he asked them to, which I will never forgive them for. I cut them totally out of my life–deleted their numbers, etc. I am totally done with them. If anything ever happens to him, they will be cut off totally from their grandchild as I have no interest in ever seeing or talking to them again.

                As far as the “friends” I also cut them out completely. It was only 2-3 people that said anything to me directly. It helps that I 500 miles away after exposure. I deleted my facebook account completely, deleted or blocked their numbers and moved. If you can’t move, I say just stop communicating with them completely. I have no desire to communicate with anyone who actively or passively supported his actions, particularly anyone who stood up with us at our wedding.

                At the time, these things were hard to take and hard to do because I was so much closer to D-day and everything was so painful for me at the time. I cried a lot. However, in the end, I am glad I had the courage to do it, even though it was so, so painful. The truth was the way to fight being utterly disrespected and humiliated. It also helped me achieve my goal of ensuring that the OW would never be a long-term part of my daughter’s life (which would have continued the disrespect and humiliation).

                And of course, I got that silly threatening letter from the OW’s attorney. It was a cease and desist without any teeth because you can’t sue someone for telling the truth. I was still a bit scared though that she’d try to get some sort of cyber-harassment suit against me or something. However, I talked to a restraining order attorney over the phone as well as my family law attorney and they assured me that it was fine and it didn’t rise to the level of harassment and could not be used for any purpose in the divorce case. In the end, I am glad I did it. It hastened the demise of their relationship (I’m sure she whined endlessly about his “mean wife!”, it warns others about her behavior, and it will be a constant reminder to her to not be so much of a whore. I wish I had done it to my husband, but I was worried about that affecting our divorce proceedings.

          • Just google “report cheaters” or some such. I would caution you on a couple of things. First, once you post it never goes away even if you take it down. Second, if you do it use Tor or some other anonymizer.

          • Chumplady! What is wrong with the blog? For the last week when you reply to a post it takes you to the bottom of the blog and does not return you to your own post. So then I have to search my name to find my place…:(

    • I immediately thought about cheater websites as well, where you post a picture of your cheater. The problem is though, anyone can do it anyone, regardless if they’re actual cheaters or not. At least with Arizona it’s from the government so the chances of it being legit is higher.

  • Hurray!! Love seeing this. Back in the day before jail overcrowding became such an issue, here in Ohio when they scheduled a contempt hearing for failure to pay child support they used to tell the deadbeat parent to bring a toothbrush ’cause they were going straight to jail if they didn’t pay their arrearage.

    The child support system is definitely broken. Everyone knows this but no one seems to be doing anything about it. This is an excellent start.

  • I’d vote for him if he were running for president 🙂
    Although I have older kids now, I remember the days I struggled as a single parent. I still have friends who are owed THOUSANDS of dollars in back support. They struggle…
    I sent an email to my Governor telling him to look at what Gov. Ducey is doing. Hooray for Ducey! It’s a start!

  • Love it! I had to take my ex to court to get him to pay up. He had the money but didn’t feel like bothering. He would have done anything to make sure he didn’t show up on social media showing up as a deadbeat.

  • He ought to put himself on that page for what he’s done to our schools. This is literally the only good thing he’s done as Governor.

    • Politicians (like cheaters) are a mixed bag. It IS apparently possible for a governor who ripped his state’s education system to shreds (bad for kids) to do a good deed (go after deadbeat parents). It IS possible for a scumbag cheater who ripped his/her marriage to shreds to do a good deed (help with house maintenance after the divorce. e.g.).

      So I say, yes, give them praise for good deeds (they are not any less good for coming from a mostly scumbag), and vilification for doing harm (the harm done is not any less because they do the occasional good deed.)

    • Higher Ed spending is completely out of control. How do these “professors” who teach the same thing twice a week for 20 years justify raising tuition 5x in that time frame?

      • Off the CL topic but felt compelled to chime in here, Janus. You know naught of which you speak. My closest circle of friends are professors and teachers (I live in a college town). They werk far more than 40 hours per week, and only get paid 9 months. Professors have far more to do than simply teaching 9-12 hours per week. It’s the administrators and reporting that is out of control. At my local college, the administrators outnumber the faculty, and make far more money, I won’t go into detail as to what professors do, as the faculty members here on CL can do that, but I admit this is one of my button issues: folks who complain about educators who do not understand the job and the requirements. It is NOT a walk in the park.

      • Um. It is not “these ‘professors’ ” who raise tuition, it is administrators.

        And putting “professors” in quotes like that is somewhat disrespectful. It’s like saying “doctors” or “taxpayers” or “children.” As long as those using such a title have a legitimate claim to it (education, passing of exam, age, payment of taxes), why imply that they don’t have the right to it?

        My University has had its state budget cut in half since I arrived 30 years ago. My salary has not even kept up with inflation. Students and student families are demanding more and more services. Legislatures are imposing more and more expensive requirements without providing additional resources. (A small example: State legislature requires the posting of a copy of the U.S. constitution and the Declaration of Independence in EVERY CLASSROOM IN THE STATE. And provides no funds to do it. with materials and labor, this costs maybe $100 per classroom. Multiply by 800 classrooms: $80,000.

        Let’s just say that it’s complicated, and that “professors” often have less power than students do.

  • Love it! Where I live there have been some creative solutions for contempt putting the offender in jail from Fri-Sun each week for people who work a regular work week. In my recent case, the judge put my ex in jail for contempt for a couple hours in the middle of my trial after he had protested too many times that he simply couldn’t afford it and “if you put me in jail then my kids won’t get even partial payments or get to see me”. The judge said he wanted to make it clear to him that he would have no problem jailing him for contempt if he wouldn’t comply. I wish more people had this experience of the support system.

  • Bravo for the governor! Anyone who abandons their spouse and children should lose damn near everything. They deceive and decide to start over. Let them leaving everything behind they and THE SPOUSE worked for. The court systems are rigged and so many chumps get screwed. As for cheater sites i dont care. Id rather have a broadcast on the national news listing the cheaters as warnings but that wont happen either. The ex started his affair as a big lie so let that fuckwad have at it. The best revenge is living well and going absolutely no contact. Me no contact with him will eat his brain up. Whores problem not mine. Fuck both of them.

    • I’m of the opinion that if you cheat, you should automatically relinquish all your rights to any of the marital property or home, and you leave with the clothes on your back. Also, if you have been squirrelling away assets for your cheating, you pay those back with your money (or you work to pay it off) to the chump.

      • Hear flippin hear. Divorce laws are easy enough if your marriage is that troubled. For those who think they can stay married while they take another partner, that should be a felony. Last time I checked, felons don’t get to keep the proceeds of their fraud/embezzlement/racket.

  • Sounds good to me. Wish there were also some way I could shame my ex into paying all of the spousal support he owes. Can you shame the people who have no shame though? Seems like they’re the masters of impression management, even when doing something as unconscionable as neglecting to pay support for their own child.

  • CL and CN I am absolutely completely with you on this issue! One thing I have to say however, is that in the thick of things due to the narc machinations of my exhole, I was actually considered in arrears on child support—which I wasn’t even charged with paying!!! This was because I took bad advice from my divorce lawyer and since bbygrl’s Father would refuse to reimburse me the 60% on many things such as copays, eyeglasses, etc agreed to in our settlement, when I’d write him checks for similar things I’d give a thorough accounting but subtract that amount that he owed me.
    Hint to all: NEVER EVER DO THIS, no matter what your lawyer says!
    And this was after I paid a full $18K+ in private girls school tuition to which I still have not been reimbursed and the dear girl is now a grad student in psychology, but that’s a story for another day.

    Anyhow, BOTH of us were found to have violated the child support order, despite me having just followed attorney’s advice and here’s the kicker: sentenced to 6 months probation! Yes, I had to show up every month for six months to meet with a probation officer—I’ve never even had a speeding ticket, much less broken any laws.

    It was humiliating and degrading and IMHO totally wrong but I likely would’ve shown up on a Deadbeat Mom website which would have been yet further humiliating and degrading. All for just trying to avoid further court with a Narc—what was I thinking, this man loved loved loved court and the chance to strut and preen–never imagining that the great HIMSELF would also be sentenced to probation and restitution. Which he still has not paid, but I am maintaining NC for as long as I can—-NO amount of money is worth contact with that ass!

  • I’m not one to brag about Texas very often (Rick Perry, enough said), but it does have strict child support enforcement policies. Wage garnishment is mandatory. #Don’tFuckWithTexas

    • Ditto from me in Arizona. Don’t get too carried away with Mr. Ducey, folks…He’s an ARIZONA REPUBLICAN (his catchphrase from his campaign. It means “extremely” Republican). I’m an independent who sides with Republicans on some issues and Dems on others. But ARIZONA REPUBLICANS go too far for my taste. This is no doubt a good move on the Gov’s part, but I have not found him to a be a friend to education. And we’re already ranked #48 in the country so huzzah for the deadbeat callout, but……..

    • @Tempest–as another Texan, I know what you mean about the embarrassment of (P)rick Perry….and I do agree our State’s strict enforcement of child support is stellar.

      Uber louse XBF owed child support and thanks to (P)rick, his paycheck was garnished and payment was finally made to his GROWN BY THEN children’s mom.

  • I don’t know if this kind of site would have inspired my EX to keep current, but it would certainly put a new spin on the stories he tells his family members.

  • I struggled through years of dead-ass broke single parenting while the Legal Sperm Donor of my three children went on to marry another woman and play daddy to a house full of someone else’s kids. The laws in my state prevented me from seeking solutions outside of their privatized child support enforcement agency, which was very lax in their efforts. A wage garnishment here, a tax refund intercept there, but he always found a way to get around consistent collection of the princely $300 a month he had been ordered to pay for his own three children. One particularly galling thing he said to me during this time was, “Life isn’t like Bakin-Robbins, Wiser. First come isn’t always first served.” Time passed, the children grew up, and the back support obligation grew to over $36,000.

    He showed up at our adult son’s wake reeking of alcohol, so sad that he just never really got to know the fine man his son had become. Youngest daughter lit into him, which led to LSD’s stepson sending her a Facebook message defending LSD as being the best dad ever, and telling my daughter that I had poisoned her against this very fine man who worked so hard at his trade union job to provide for “his family”. He worked out of the state most of the time, but he was a great dad when he was home, apparently.

    Fast forward two years. LSD died. Neither of my daughters were advised of funeral arrangements, but he didn’t lack for familial mourners. A woman and children from the state he worked in presented themselves at the funeral home bearing a marriage certificate showing that he had married the woman several years prior. Yep, the Best Dad Ever was exposed in his casket as a bigamist. No wonder he couldn’t afford to raise his own children.

    • OMG, Wiser. What a story! Unfortunately something similar happened to my mom’s family. Her dad abandoned them and raised another woman’s children. At the funeral it took everything my mom’s siblings had to convince their mom not to show up at the funeral with her 5 grown children. She wanted to prove he left a lot more than a wife and 2 step kids from his second marriage. The interesting thing is it seems to run in the family. Several generations ago an ancestor living in NY abandoned his family, moved to another state and married again while never divorcing his first wife. The second wife discovered it after her husband died and the first wife inherited everything. Yikes!

  • The Lying Liar Who Lies is deliberately underemployed so he can pay me a tiny amount of CS for our son. I have an Income Withholding Order from the state to his company. Straightforward, right? Nope. I am currently receiving various random payments that are for about half the required amount.

    I contacted his company. The HR lady said she was withholding the correct amount and it was an Attorney General problem. I called the AG and they said they were sending me all the money they were receiving and it was his company’s problem.

    I emailed TLLWL and he emailed back (and I quote), “This is your problem. We cannot help you. Do not contact my company again. They will not speak to you because they cannot help you.” Don’t need the UBT to know that means “Fuck you, Eve.”

    I have suffered the 25 minutes on hold only to be disconnected. I have sat in the 5th circle of Hell (Anger!) that is the waiting room of the child support office. I have filled out an 8-page child support enforcement action request online that asked for my weight (WTF?). I have re-evaluated my monthly spending and cut back where I could.

    Hopefully, the great state of Texas will track him down like the rabid dog he is. But I would love for TLLWL to be publicly shamed on social media. A father who shrugs off his moral and legal responsibility to his child? Try to spin that angle, Mr. Sad Sausage.

    • Ugh, Eve. My bet is that the fault is with the company as the AG people I’ve dealt with seem to have been trained by the Gestapo.

      I’m sorry for your frustrations (the only plus is that since I live in the 5th circle of Hell, I now have good company).

      • Scumbag for man scuz bucket for woman. Perfect names for cheatera who abandon their spouse and children. Fuckers. And who they leave us for. Man fuckwad dickhead. Woman bottam feeding hosebag twat. My rant for the day. Bad day today. Asswipe once again dragging ass on the house. POS! thanks guys letting me vent. Love to you all.

        • Yep. AND for child molesters and other disordered people who like “privacy” while being utterly disgusting. I say Roast em!!!

  • I applaud this innovative approach to enforcing child support payments. Since the deadbeat has gone through the courts and been verified as a deadbeat, there’s a very minimal risk of posting incorrect information, and if it is incorrect, it’s the state doing it, not a Chump, so we’d not be liable. 🙂

  • We always talk about how cheaters, especially those on the far reaches of the narcissist spectrum, are all about “impression management.” They can carry on about how high their child support payments are even when they aren’t paying them. We know they excel at blameshifting: “My X is alienating my children from me….” when the cheater hasn’t ponied up his share of the doctor bill. Years ago, the City of Pittsburgh started publishing the names of parking ticket scofflaws plus the amount that they owed. Lots of well-known people on that list. You can be sure they started cutting checks. So I say the names deadbeat parents and the money they owe should be public record, everywhere.

    • Exactly, LovedAJackass!!! Once the “impression management” cannot be contained or regulated/controlled by the narc/deadbeat, boy oh boy would they pay up!!!!

      I hope my state does this for the sake of all the single parents of kids that are suffering due to deadbeat parents.

    • I meant to add that The Evil One is now promoting himself as a “victim of parental alienation”…LMAO, first of all,TEO you have to be an involved parent in order to be alienated, which you NEVER were; second of all, maybe if you hadn’t spent all of your free time with your OWhore and her two young kids instead of spending time with your own daughter, you wouldn’t be “alienated” you dumb fuck!!!! UGH!!!

  • I think this is great because I’ve known a few women who got into serious relationships with men (in one case, she married him!) who had no idea that that were tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars behind in child support payments. All these guys left town and either claimed they didn’t know they had children or that their exes wouldn’t let them see the children.

    My one friend who was married only found out because her husband was dragging his about renewing his expired license in their new state. A week after she dragged him kicking and screaming to the DMV, they get a letter from the state ordering him to appear in court. He owes $50K, and his former girlfriend and child are on welfare.

    • That’s a super important point Lulu. Despite whatever neutron shit-bomb they detonate now, one way or the other life goes on and years elapse. They want a clean slate and a fresh start and, lacking a conscience, no amount of bald-faced deception bothers them one jot. I say, make this a normal and natural public report so that innocent people they’re trying to pull into their lives can be completely informed. That includes employers, who can expect to see wages garnished.

  • My first husband (and only daughter’s bio-dad) frequently skimped on child support. The entire 18 years (he left when daughter was three months). As he’s a lawyer, he also used the court repeatedly to try to amend the support order. Which never happened for him and he had to pay “frivolous” fees every time. The entire 18 years.

    I thought he was my lifetime supply of Asshole. Nope. But, 25 years later, he’s running for Family Court judge. WTF, Universe?

    People can be brazen.

    • Definition of a narc–their nucleus accumbens never learns from consequences, so they keep doing something that actually HARMS themselves. SMH.

      • I know. What a farce. I used to think he was the “shitty dad” for my daughter…until STBX auditioned for the role and WON!

        Poor daughter – glad she’s a powerful, independent woman. Too bad for both her terrible father figures, too, because they will miss out on E V E R Y T H I N G.

        And to think that was their CHOICE. Dummies.

      • I think this warrants an entirely new thread–cheaters with bad behavior who are then put in charge of the very policy or department that they violated.

        Here’s one: My student-fucking-professor-X annually sits on the graduate admissions committee.

      • And another (since Irish is busy supporting 4 kids singlehandedly): Irish’s deadbeat dad (5 digits in arrears) is now a financial advisor. smh

    • Please tell me you have joined the other candidate’s election campaign team??? You could give SO much fodder for the other candidates!!!!

      EXH#1 is on Wife #5, but is currently studying for his Master’s Degree in (get this) Marriage Counseling/Therapist!!!!

      Your ex- going for a Family Judge job is like my EXH#2/The Evil One applying to be a cop or in law enforcement of any kind.

  • I think it’s great that a state would denounce these deadbeats. Once again to untangle the skein of why one would chose to not pay child support is baffling regardless of the circumstances.

    When I divorced my serial-cheating ex-wife, I was devastated not only because of the betrayal but because of the life we had build with our 3 young kiddos. Our family unit was EVERYTHING to me. We did EVERYTHING together. I just couldn’t fathom us not being together anymore because of her selfish actions. It was very heartbreaking as we all have experienced this. Was I very bitter? YES. Was I emotionally devastated? YES. Did I want revenge? YES.

    In my case, my ex and I worked out a 50/50 custody agreement but I have residential custody. Even with this arrangement I still have to pay child support. Could you imagine having to pay your cheating selfish whore ex anything? The thought of that makes lots of people cringe. But that’s not the way I looked at it, I wasn’t paying HER – I was supporting my kids when they weren’t with me. Paying child support actually doesn’t bother me one damn bit!!! My kids are MY responsibility regardless of the circumstances and for whatever length of time. I would of gave my ex financial support for my kids regardless if the state imposed child support or not. This is what the deadbeats don’t get. It’s all about them and not their kids.

    If Chump Lady’s suggestion that we social media the hell out of today’s post is done, here is my message to the Deadbeats out there…. just because your marriage fell apart for ANY reason that doesn’t give you the self imposed right to nullify your financial responsibilities to your children. Why would you deprive your kids the basic necessities in life for any selfish reasons you justified in your mind? I think you deadbeats are all characterless selfish immature narcs, PERIOD! Man Up you fucking mouse!

    • Nice! I think it sucks to have to pay a cheating ex alimony but I hate hearing any parent whine about paying child support. If you bring them into this world, you’re responsible for them no matter what the circumstances of divorce. Men and women alike!

      I wish more people had your attitude chumpedalot! It’s very refreshing!

  • Yes, yes, yes. I consider this to be a necessary (and belated) adjustment to life as we’ve moved from being a nation of small villages and towns where everybody knows each other, to a nation of fluidity and anonymity and fast / easy travel. It used to be that a community would know, more or less, about what a jerk had done to their family because the family was right there and everyone could see them. Nowadays it’s easy with relocation and / or online impression management for these con artists to skate away from their responsibilities, and communities don’t have the proof staring them in the face anymore so they don’t feel obligated to rally around the family. We need to fight the con artist’s impression management blaring from the online rooftops, with the same! Instead of fighting it with this secret, quiet courts crap that the con artists can pretend doesn’t exist. At least give us a leg to stand on. Geez.

    • You make a very good point, but as a hobby genealogist, I can tell you that there were plenty of men who heeded the convenient call to settle the West and abandoned their families, remarrying in the new community, and never to be heard from again back home. The grieving wives and kids were left to assume a panther or an Indian had prevented their return to the hearth. Ha! Once in a blue moon, the plan would blow up with someone from their previous life stumbling upon them while traveling through the new community, but for the most part the secret remained until some genealogist a hundred years later unraveled the clues.

      • So true. My ex’s father was doing his genealogy and found that his wife’s grandfather did exactly that. My ex has it in her genes.

      • My grandfather married three times and abandoned all three families when the kids hit adolescence. 7 kids, 2 stepchildren.

        • Yep, my STBXH’s supposed real father went in and out of Vegas about 12 times – divorcing and marrying. His mom’s cheating second husband (SF1) beat her up, she fled to find another guy (SF2) – leaving young STBXH and his sister in the house – and SF1 moved his OW into the house, too. They beat up STBXH, who eventually got out and back with his mom. 20 years later, his mom cheated on SF2 and left him.

          STBXH used to talk about SF1 almost as if he admired what SF1 was able to pull off. Never got arrested so far as I know. I’m convinced that STBXH sees this behavior as a sign of his dominance and male empowerment. I wish I had shamed him and OW more early on. There need to be consequences for any of this to change. I know far too many people who are treating marriage like it is high school dating.

  • I haven’t gotten child support for 11 years – my son is 29. I have a funny Karma story about that, but won’t get into too much of it here. But basically the story goes that the idiot I chose to have a baby with decided to take me to court when my son was 13 to have his child support reduced because back when my son was born – he was ordered to pay x amount and of course every 2 years I got a cost of living increase. So idiot decided after 13 years that he is paying TOO much in child support (I think it was around $200/month). Now after 13 years, idiot has a much better job with benefits – but thinks support should be reduced. NEVER did I take him to court because he was out of our lives and I was just happy to get anything. So we go to court. Idiot now has to pay me $400 a month. He did that to himself! Dummy.
    What really really bothers me is how we (the one receiving the support) has to pay for it. Jerk was so behind in arrears that everytime I would get some of those arrears, I had to pay for it! That does NOT make sense to me. HE owes ME money, but I had to pay 5% to the county to get whatever he owes me? They should be paying that penalty – not us! I just remember one time I had gotten an oddball check. It wasn’t the normal support amount. So I called the county. Turns out is was his taxes, minus 5% they took out for a fee. What? Why am I being punished because HE is behind? I told the county I no longer wanted them doing that because I am getting hosed. I didn’t have any choice.

  • Child support enforcement sucks. Exhibit A: New York State. After a long, long, arduous and expensive divorce finalized a little more than a year ago, my ex has been chronically behind on child support and not paid a penny for additional court-ordered educational and health care costs.

    I proceeded to the child support office and learned that in order to gain the services of the collection unit for wage garnishment I would need to file a petition to family court to modify my divorce (because my decree does not specifically state the CSU will collect the child support). WTF! This a divorce judgement from the supreme court of NYS and they can’t enforce it?

    The modification petition requires we both submit our financials all over again for review! Are you kidding me??!!! I just went through 20K, emergency temp support hearings, judge-mediated settlement, etc. to get support from this asshole – the case is closed, done, finito. When I protested, I was told well “he gets to voice his side too”. Really??? Didn’t we just spend the last 18 months doing that?

    So, after filling out that 8 page petition for enforcement (which also asks for my weight, WTF?), I’m trying to decide whether to file it. What’s worse – reopening the whole can of worms with him again or just sucking it up and accepting partial CS.

    I’m tired of the damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don’t scenarios and that the burden is always on person whose life has been blown to smithereens.

    • The court system in my small town was a joke too. Submitting financials requires honesty and how many of our Cheaters are that!?!?!? Family law makes it too easy to walk out on the family especially when many of our Cheats were years ahead of us and sneakily dissipating assets. (sigh)

    • Why does Child Support care how much we weigh?! I assure you I am not sitting on the couch watching soaps and stuffing my face with frozen Thin Mints (nom!). I am working 11 hours a day to pay for my minor child AND my two college kids that Lying Liar Who Lies has abandoned. MYOB State of Texas and concentrate on getting me that money.

    • Chiral, I am having a similar nightmare with NY State. I had it specifically stated in my divorce agreement that he is to pay through the Enforcement Unit. Doesn’t matter. They do nothing. I’ve been at the SEU office a number of times and they tell me I shouldn’t complain because my support award is “more than anyone in the waiting room’s.” What does that matter if I’m not getting it?! My ex is sole proprietor of his business and therefore not required to garnish his own wages. No tax refund to intercept because he created a debt. Argh!!! I feel your pain.

  • Ex has a very well paying job, 25+ years in law enforcement, making over 8k/month. Stopped paying pendente lite for four months during our two year divorce in order to bail on the mortgage -this set up our home for foreclosure-and leave us (our kids and I) homeless but had enough money to fly to another state to visit Schmoopie every other weekend. My child support services office responded quickly, took him to court, garnished his wage and arrears, and sent it directly to me. He was able to walk out on all the kids’ expenses though (two over eighteen, and all three planning to attend college), and dump the house during the divorce. Can not control Crazy. I think the family court in California is screwed up when they have no enforcement powers re dissipation of assets, judges who can not recognize abusive Narcs and have their own kind of crazy…. There is a warning on the papers filed though—a lot of fucking good that did me (that and two lawyers who had no clue). Mediation, what’s that?!? IMHO, Every case should have a financial analyst involved, paid for by both parties, who evaluates “standard of living” and sets up a settlement that is healthy for families. Deadbeat parents suck. Always have and always will.

  • Yes, it should be illegal to spend money on frivolous things like a Mediterranean Cruise while you owe back child support, but then we also run into the problem that if you send them to jail they can’t pay child support.

    I wonder if this is also a big problem in other developed countries, I feel like America is specially great for going off the grid.

    • My ex claimed hardship (earning the same as me….but had a 2 incomes no kids) ….he was in arrears because he was falsely claiming his income had dropped 50 k a year. He had no drop of income ….but when I found out what his hardship was I couldn’t believe that getting married to affair partner and buying a 560 k display home was his hardship….wtf? And worse….The never consulted with me and let him pay $20 a month ….yet all the bills kept rolling in for me ….and kids still needed to be fed ….he didn’t care. His less than 2 yr marriage is all but over due to his new cheating …..but the worst thing they did (and there is quite a high pile of shameful acts) his sister told me they threw out her teenage kids …..and after her kids left….they put down the kids perfectly healthy dogs. Abhorrent self entitled assists they both are

  • I don’t know how I feel about this, and mainly because I don’t trust that the government won’t fuck it up somehow. Also, I don’t think it’s possible to publicly “shame” a deadbeat. I know my kid’s daddy probably spewed out one sob story after another about how his X’s were money-grubbing bitches. Being a deadbeat sure didn’t stop him from getting laid.

    I don’t like any agency or site that has someone’s personal information. I get creeped out by the fact that if you
    Google my real name, you can find out exactly where I live. There’s information flying around all over the place and nobody seems to be able to keep it secure and who knows how much is even accurate. Hell, even if I Google the address to my house, there are still interior pictures of it on the internet from the Realtor.

    I don’t know, I don’t have the answers. I just think the government has it’s hands in enough bullshit and I don’t think it’s their job to “shame” people.

    #feelthebern

    • Love Bernie, but hey, he’s all about income equality. How could the Bern be against enforcing CS?

      As for the government knowing too much about us? That ship has sailed. Marketers probably know more than the govt. If it’s going to be out there? Let it be about CS arrearages. And to get crossways with the feds on this? You have to owe more than $5,000.

      Also, it’s not about shame, it’s about impression management. I agree the disordered feel no shame. But they DO care what other people think. And they don’t like information out there that could make it harder to snow the next chump.

  • I feel the pain of many here. My STBX can easily earn over a quarter million dollars per year, much of it under the table if he wishes as he is an entertainer, but has requested that the Court exempt him from paying support in arrears which he started ‘accrruing’ when he suddenly moved out and shut off utilities without warning. I am still looking for a job that will sustain my family–not easy when you’re middle-aged and have special needs offspring. The (female) judge who is on our case just does whatever my STBX wants. My STBX is publicly accusing several of my relatives, many of whom financially and emotionally supported him for years, of abusing our children and getting our kids to believe stories about imagined child abuse–as several of my young relatives die of terminal illnesses. These abusive cheaters really know how to (figuratively) suck. My STBX, who works hard on impression management, would probably hate to be exposed as a deadbeat.

  • Theoretically, the CA child support agencies do this as well, but in reality, they never update the site.

    My ex is now up to $44K in child support arrears. The local child support agency is just a joke. For years, I’ve been telling them that he works under the table or goes from one part-time, minimum-wage job to another every couple of months to avoid paying his arrears. This is a guy who made over $100K prior to our separation. I’ll ask why I’m not getting full payment, they will reply “Oh, we’ll send another notice to his current temporary employer asking them to withhold wages,” and by the time they do so, he’s already on to the next job.

    I hope other state agencies are better than the one here, because it’s a disgrace how easily deadbeats can walk away from their obligations without a care in the world. My ex does not intend to EVER pay his arrears, and he’s going to get away with it.

    • Well, Glad, I guess he showed you–never has a stable job, works minimum wage, lives with his dad, just to avoid child support. Great decision making there (eyeroll).

    • Jackass paid his child support in full right on the dot. He was afraid the state would yank his commercial driver’s license. Fear is a big motivator.

  • My Mr. Charming Cheater is almost ready to hit 6 figures in child support owed ($92,000 I think) after paying only a couple thousand in 8 years. That doesn’t include half the mortgage and legal fees, or anything related to activities, 2 sets of braces, and hefty medical bills for our little boys surgery. He currently lives in a brand new $300,000 house that he and the new wife paid cash for, and drives a new Mercedes. Oh, and he asked to be declared indigent (and was) to get child support reduced. He did flip put when his passport wasn’t renewed as they’d booking a 4 week cruise somewhere, so that was a little funny…except he threatened to kill me so he wouldn’t have to pay me any more support (awesome logic). Would love to see the look on his face when his parents, wife, girlfriends, and the parents of the kids he works with would see his mug in the paper for nonpayment. I’d have a brief moment of joy before he flipped out and killed me…you know, for making him “look bad”.

  • I am an attorney in Pennsylvania. Any time one of my clients settles a case or makes a monetary recovery, I am legally obligated to first, get an affidavit from them swearing that they owe no child support, and second, independently search Pennsylvania’s database to confirm he or she owes no child support arrears. If so, I am generally required to send the monies to the state’s child support unit instead of disbursing to my client.

    It does not happen often, but when it does there is the general wailing and gnashing of teeth, which I (frankly) enjoy immensely. The general public, however, cannot access this information.

  • No kids with my STBX… but I’ve often wondered how the credit agencies haven’t gotten in on this. Much like any financial obligation, failure to meet your obligations tells something about a person. If someone is willing to blow off something as important as supporting his/her own children… what about a car or a house or their cell phone bill. If a job runs a credit check and see that someone is behind on child support, it may make them think twice before hiring because they probably don’t want to be bothered. Of course then we have the “can’t pay child support if not working” issue, but there would be something oddly satisfying, particularly for the higher Narc Deadbeats to know that they can’t get a job that requires a credit check. Seems like a win/win/win. Credit agencies make some money, states get another weapon to use to get people to pay, parents get their support.

    I mean not for nothing, but I have a loan that is called a mortgage that I pay every month that is longer than the time to raise a child. Surely there is a way to essentially create an account that is set up the some way, “pay this $500 bill every month on time and if you don’t we start dinging your credit.”

  • Once the divorce was final, his checks started getting garnished almost immediately for the agreed upon child support.

    However, from the first of May when he moved out until the first c.s. that came in the first of October, he paid me a total of about 100.00 a month.The divorce papers clearly state that until the child support was garnished from his check, he was to pay me the set amount each month on his own- he didn’t. If you include the insurance premiums that I paid from May until September for his stupid ass, plus the money as a “settlement” he agreed to pay me that he hasn’t, he owes me close to $5,000.00 which I know is nothing compared to what some of my fellow chumps are owed, but it still pisses me off that he had the money to do all these “fun” things he’s done with his OWife, but hasn’t paid me the money A) he agreed to; B) he owes me.

    Eventually, I am getting an attorney and going to sue his ass for the money he owes me. I supported his ass for 13 years, he owes me.

  • There is no excuse for not supporting your kids, whether the deadbeat’s a cheater or not. H#1 still owes $8500, and our youngest turned 21 5 years ago. In fact, when I was making up my mind to divorce him back in 1993, I actually thought I was helping him since the child support enforcement system, I thought naively, would force him to get a job. He moved out of state, remarried, and put all his assets in W#2’s name. Shame, shame and shame is all I can say. Three beautiful children grown into self-sufficient, accomplished young adults and at the end of the day I can look in the mirror with pride and all that loser can do is hang his head in shame. Except he doesn’t do that, instead he blames the legal system for supposedly being unfairly “biased in favor of women.” I know there are many good Dads out there, but there is this other slice of father’s rights believers, who if they put the same amount of effort into supporting their kids that they do into blaming others for their failure, no question would the kids benefit from that!!!!! kids benefit when they have two parents supporting them! whether divorced or not. I never, ever, in 25 years regretted spending my money on my kids. I cannot relate at ALL to whatever kind of person that is who resents supporting the children they brought into the world.

  • Imagine that, I have to give props to the snake.

    He had two children from two previous marriages (red flag much? UGH!) and he was fanatical about making sure every dime of support was paid on time.

    I can say one fuck ton of bad things about him, but even he took care of his kids.

  • I went to court today because my ex-louse objected to the temporary order of child support signed by the judge last week and the commissioner in November. Ex-louse was supposed to start paying a year ago, and has been unemployed for two and a half years after getting fired from his $120,000+ job. The original divorce agreement didn’t have a set amount for child support since it was contingent on both of us finding a job within a year after moving to another state. I submitted the petition for child support about a year ago, and only today is the TEMPORARY order being approved. I still have to go to trial to get it finalized.

    At least I was awarded monthly child support and half of my attorney’s fees (which I’ll probably never see). Child support was ordered to be about $1,300 per month (based on his last three years of employment), but the judge said ex-louse wouldn’t be held in contempt if he 1) pays the amount based on making minimum wage, and 2) submits proof to me or my lawyer that he’s applied for at least least two jobs every week.

    This process is bleeding me dry because in my state we have to go to mediation, then a commissioner, and then the judge (twice!). It doesn’t help that my ex-louse keeps arguing in court that having to pay child support at all and getting less than 50/50 custody violates his civil rights. He has a law degree, but has never practiced law except on me. He’s been representing himself in court and today threatened to appeal the judges ruling to the federal level and to sue my lawyer. It was gratifying to hear the judge mock my ex-louse’s legal briefs as sounding canned and asking him where he got his law degree. Being shut-down by a judge won’t put a dent in his self-esteem, however, since I’m sure he’d tell even Chief Justice Roberts that he was wrong.

    I’m just glad it’s over, for now.

  • I did not ask for child support because my EX was unemployed (by choice) so the amount the kids would receive would total less than $200 a month if the judge followed state formulas (and my lawyer said the family court judge rarely varied from the formulas); my EX had stated unequivocally that he’d never pay any support regardless of what was ordered; and my EX is contentious and happy to represent himself in court. I did the math and figured the amount the kids might get, given the legal fees I would accrue obtaining it, was just not worth it. I asked the EX to give me most of the custody instead. He agreed–i.e. he’d rather abandon responsibility and most aspects of a relationship with his kids than part with “his” money. I think it was one of the more honest decisions he made.

    All of these horror stories make me glad I never bothered trying to get child support for them. I know some people feel it is the custodial parent’s obligation to fight for funds owed to the children, but I think I’d have ended up losing money–paying more in attorney fees than they would ever receive. And at the time I made that agreement, I was fighting all the fights I could handle. Extending the court issues would have felt like agreeing to stay in hell.

    Besides, if he ever decides to get a job again, I can go back and ask for a change in the agreement. So far, he remains unemployed and is supporting himself, as far as I can tell, by graft, debt, and his parents.

    The system is broken. There are a hundred ways to game it, and very few ways for those with integrity and limited financial resources to get what they are owed. A credit card company can hold a late payment fee over a person for years–a huge industry supports squeezing fees and interest out of delinquent customers. Delinquent parents, however, are primarily ignored. Children aren’t profitable, so society doesn’t build much of an infrastructure to support their financial needs.

    • I did much the same as you, Eilonwy, I made a lot more money than my ex, and our youngest was 12 when ex left (the older two children were over 18). I made a “deal” with ex that I would give him money mostly out of my profit sharing plan, and not request child support, if he waived alimony -I would have owed him tons even after they deducted what he would owe me for child support. Ex never got his own attorney and agreed and we were divorced in almost record time. People tell me now to file for the child support because it cannot be truly waived, and ex knew that. But I do not want to stir the pot. Because ex has not seen our youngest son in 4 years, I also recently consulted with a lawyer about terminating his parental rights. The advice–“don’t poke the beast.”

      But in general when the departing parent is the one making the lion’s share of the money, the custodial parent has no choice. I often think that my divorce and ex’s abandonment of me and our children was hard enough. What an awful nightmare to also have to deal with the legal and financial bullshit inflicted by the pathologically selfish.

  • When these cheaters want to be family court judges, marriage counselors, etc. it makes me wonder why no one is doing extensive background checks given the gravity of the role they will have in these people’s lives! I mean, geez, you can’t even get a job at Walmart without a pee test!!! But the ones that crack me up are the deadbeats that don’t pay CS then try to take the children that NEVER see or hear from them as deductions on their taxes to further screw the left behind spouse! The Gall of them! Really???

  • Story of my life, the deadbeat dad… Abandoned mom and 3 kids (age 3, 2, and 6 mos) for the ‘other woman’… Never paid a dime. Ever. Would move, quit jobs, ANYTHING but pay. Weird part was, as we lived on welfare and in abject poverty, my mom never slagged him in front of us. She fought so hard to find jobs, keep a roof over us, and food in the cupboards. She wasn’t perfect, but when I think about what we went through, and how she smiled through it – AMAZING.

    ‘Dad’ puts out feelers every now and then to try and see if we will talk to him. I have no interest. I just don’t know this person, I have my own life, why would I want to do anything to make this stranger feel better about himself?

    I am sure it is part of the reason my own experience with infidelity was so devastating (and maybe the reason I could not seem to leave for good). But that’s my journey.

    Deadbeats suck. Don’t doubt it for a second – children suffer because of deadbeats. It isn’t mom missing out on money for booze and cigarettes and nights out…

  • I think the more these creeps are exposed the better. The contrast between the public persona and the private reality is what stinks. In the UK it takes a full 12 months after a court order for the CMS to even begin to chase these idiots. er why??Who thought up that little gem?

    Mine is a lovely party animal, endless guest at industry dinners and awards. the host with the most. ugh.

  • Independent Arizonian here–and I am proud of our Governor! Food for thought regarding the lack of state funding for public education–Funding comes from property taxes, and Arizona has slightly skewed demographics–a large majority of taxpayers are retirees –many from other states–and they voice their displeasure with having to pay higher taxes in general as most are on fixed income, and specifically because their child rearing days are long since past. The other large demographic is schoolchildren, many are from non taxpaying, non-citizen parents who contribute Zero to the tax base. Hopefully there will be incentive for young working people with children to move here to flesh out the tax base. So the issue is complicated by a unique population and influx of non citizen, non taxpayers demanding taxpayer funded services. Fiscally the Governor is serving his taxpaying constituents.

  • I’m absolutely at my wits end in the support pool of endless appointments, non-paying NCP who acts like he’s the best dad ever but doesn’t support his son. Doesn’t pay his baseball fees but will help coach! He lives with his new girlfriend in her huge home – living off the fruits of her and her exes labor (and her child-support and work. His name is Gunnar Ochs and he owes me (currently and growing) $34,000. He refuses to reimburse me for any medical costs, so I’m constantly having to take time off work to file, go to court appointments because he’s constantly requesting release of his license.

    He is the worst of worst because he quit his job (like many of these evasive losers), but part of me feels like his girlfriend is just a terrible. She receives a lot of child support and one would think that she would not tolerate. Just shows you how people only think of themselves. In the meantime, I’ll continue to work overtime in order to provide our son with all I can to ensure he thrives.

    I have an enforcement order via wage garnishment. Nothing. He drives for Uber now. He quit his 60k job to avoid wage garnishment. Then quit his less paying job with benefits last year after only 3 months because I pursued wage garnishment. And I have it in email admitting such. Still nothing. They let him have his license and allow him to walk the streets free without consequence.

    Maybe consequences is what he needs. I’m not getting anything now, so what do I care? Our courts don’t work.

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