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Time Again for a Mightiness Check

superchump2Today, we’re keeping it positive, chumps! It’s time once again for Tell Me How You’re Mighty. To newbies, every 6 months or so, I ask readers to tell me what new, kick-ass things they’re doing since they took their lives back. And the answers are always inspiring.

If you’re in the early days, and you feel you have no mightiness, hey, you don’t get a pass. Did you take a shower? Did you make your toddler dinner? Did you talk to a friend? That counts.

As for you other badasses, tell me what you’ve been up to!

Since our last mightiness check in, I finished the new book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life,” and I’m stepping into the Uncomfortable Zone of marketing the book. (As a child chump, I could never sell girl scout cookies. This is a challenge.)  Fortunately, the publisher gave me a publicist — we can thank her for the Cosmo piece. But hey, I made a Facebook and Twitter banner, and now I’m considering drawing (and self-publishing) a Chump Lady coloring book with Chump Lady-isms. Does anyone want to color unicorns, or Trust That They Suck? Any who…

So it’s Friday. Let’s end the week right. Inspire me, and inspire your fellow chumps with your mightiness!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.

  • I’m mighty because I LOVE living alone, in my beautiful home that is mine all mine, and I have a craft room to die for and I eat dinner in it and watch whatever I want to watch on TV. This has been the best time of my life. I’d rather have my toenails pulled out slowly than give up one shred of my independence.

    • I’m also mighty because my marriage imploded two weeks into my last year of nursing school but I graduated with honors and won the pharmacology award. I got a great job on the transplant unit at the University of KY Medical Center, and I’m still there 10 years later. But I think my mightiest accomplishment is going from being destroyed to actually loving my life.

      • I have been in my new home a year now, taking care of my special needs daughter, running my own business and was able to keep one of my very awesome riding horses. I also just had my nails done. I can spend my money on whatever I want. My divorce was finalized 6 months ago and was awarded child support, on-going alimony with no time limit, and extra money per month for extraordinary expenses! Ha!

        • Wow. Awesome settlement. Financial well being should be the case in most family courts! mediation wasn’t even an option at mine, and it’s up to the judges (who most often come with issues of their own) to make decisions on what they know very little about. I was lucky to get what I did after my small court and good ol’ boys ruled to give me $70./month on his 100k+ salary. One thing though no credit card debt. I refused to take on debt that entertained his crap double life! 😀

      • Omg Carol! Bi have to see your craft room!’ I am in KY too! I have a craft room but sadly will be losing it after I move. But, hopefully I can make a new one!

      • Carol- my previous marriage to the cheater behind door #1 imploded in my last year of nursing school too! I graduated with honors and made Sigma Theta Tao ( for non nurses thats the international honor society of Nursing. You have to be in the top 15% of your class to be invited to join. I was in the top 5% of mine)

        I’m now planning on going back for my Masters and getting certified as a Psychiatric Nurse Practicioner.

        • Yay Gepster and Carol!!
          Add me to the chumped in school group! I was in my last month of Rad Tech school, and Dumbass decided he was too neglected, and needed another affair, it was really stressful. I didn’t know how I was going to make it, but I had to.
          I showed him- I graduated with High Honors, and have been working ever since, through my divorce, and move out of state. I got a fabulous job last summer, and I am content with my career now.
          Moving forward in spite of the gut-punch is my mightiness! I also got through a Breast Cancer diagnosis and surgery, and now I am healthier than I’ve been in years! I work out daily, eat organic, and feel great!
          Life is so peaceful, just living on my own, and peace is what I’m after!

        • I was supporting my ex and her son after we agreed she’d quit working to focus on her part-time nursing school. When our savings ran out so did she.

          Um, I’m mighty because I haven’t jumped off a bridge?

          • Yes, absolutely, you should be considered mighty because of that!!!

            No matter what, you’re still here, still pursuing MEH, still making strides!

            Some days I was “mighty” just by getting out of bed. Some days it took everything I had to get up and do something…

            Hang in there, WWDSG!!!

      • Carol, I just wish all chumps could read your story and know that they, too, can achieve independence nirvana. I think back to the agony I went through, being left alone, and what a struggle it was to learn to love myself. I too love my independent post-chump life – in retrospect, a huge blessing in disguise.

        • Marci, it took me close to NINE YEARS to get to that point. For years, I missed him so much, and even the fact that he betrayed me so horribly with the worst duplicity didn’t do anything to stop me from missing him. Then, I spent a few years in numbness. I just shut down. Then I went through a stage where I thought I simply must find another partner. That went on for awhile, until I realized that more often than not, as i was on a date, I was thinking that I could be knitting, and kicking myself for wasting all the time getting makeup on and doing my hair. At about the nine year mark, I realized that I really love my life the way it is, and I don’t miss my ex, because he’s an asshole. I also don’t want a partner, in general. It would be nice to have a monogamous sexual relationship, I admit to missing that (HA, but that’s not what I ever had!!) but I’m not willing to give up the satisfaction I have with my life to add a man to the mix. I have found that I have plenty to do that keeps me engaged and satisfied. I can easily entertain myself. I like not having to impress a man and do the work that dating requires. I’m just happier alone. 🙂

    • Yay Carol! I have said myself that I went from being downtrodden to uplifted – it feels good.

    • I am mighty for throwing my unemployed, porn addicted, serial cheating, lying, morbidly obese Fat Bastard OUT of my house after D Day 3 in 2 years of marriage. I went No Contact 1 week later and haven’t looked back.
      I am mighty because I’ve reclaimed my life, and even though there are occasional bad days I’m happier now than I’ve been in 2 years.

    • Go, girl! So, this is how a chump rolls now…

      I trust you were not a part of the passel of nurses checking out the STBX in a ‘non-medical’ way, after a heart attack. (Sadly, no transplant. Just mild heart attack – complicated by over-inflated ego).

  • Yesterday I was having some trouble with romanticizing what I thought our relationship was, how great she was, how I worry about finding anyone like her… and then remembered “trust that they suck”. I was able to get ahold of my runaway thoughts after a bit of mindful thinking, and remembered that there were plenty of things that were less than great, aside from the cheating.

    Retraining my brain, slowly but surely!..?

    • Good job, Theory!! That’s exactly what you have to do – retrain/rewire your brain. You DON’T want to find someone like her. Find yourself. You determine your own happiness – not someone else. 🙂

    • I moved from my small town of 30 years to a city 200 miles away. I had saved thoisands of dollars to buy all new things and pay my bills while I looked for a job. I have developed a while new social circle, re-established my career and no longer wake up with panic attacks. My three grown boys were with me in my fabulous apartment for the holidays. By next month, my divorce will be settled and I will have no debt and a healthy pot of cash to invest.

      • As someone who left her small town for the big city after spending the first 18 years of my life there, I know that is no small feat. Good for you! It sounds fantastic.

    • Theory….definitely feel this as well and I wish you the best! Just broke up with my partner today and thinking of all the nice things he’s done for me, about how charming he is. Thanks for reminding me to “trust that they suck.” I am also reminded about CL’s blog on nice v. kindness.

      • Blooming, the “trust that they suck” and the nice vs kindness were essential for me. I also found this one on Tiffany glass windows really helpful: https://www.chumplady.com/2015/02/tiffany-glass-windows/
        And the situational truth one, and so many others! So mighty that you left the cheater!!! And it goes somuch easier and so much better with time. Hang in there…

        • I had forgotten the Tiffany window post. It is CL at her best, explaining what seems to be unexplainable. May we all see our lives as those Tiffany windows.

        • Namedforvera, Once we get close to Social Security, we start those calculations. My 403B was not much to begin with, but I’ve raided it quite boldly to get back on my feet. So I do those calculations to figure when I can afford to stop teaching full time. I am so grateful to have a profession that allows very very late retirement, health permitting. PT library work sound like a great plan! Don’t forget that many colleges need PT librarians as well as full-time ones!

        • NorthernLight…thanks for recommending the blog on Tiffany Glass. Although the pain is still raw, I feel better when I realize that I’m missing a figment of my imagination, not a real man.

  • I may have said this before, but here it is again. In mid 2015, I bought a boat slip and a used 28′ Carver Montego to go there. This is in downtown Chicago! Whenever I want I can hang out on it, sleep on it, or take her out on the Chicago River or Lake Michigan. I named her the Dreamonaut. She’s my dream explorer. 🙂 My dream is to adventure with her on The Great Loop.

    • Marked 711

      I am in the Detroit-Windsor area. I started racing shortly after my my marriage imploded.

      Last year I bought a small sail boat and am going to continue to race at our local club!

      My X told me “sailing is stupid”.

      If you need chumps to crew with you on any leg of your trip I am in.

    • Marked711- I am a Chicago native and do diving in our fabulous Lake Michigan. Lots of Rolex watches and diamond rings on the bottom in the “horseshoe”. One of my goals in life has always been making my future sailboat my primary residence. Obviously can’t do that in Chicago and also have 3 teens but great for you. Mackinac next stop!

      • SureChumpedAlot, I’m in the River City marina. It is a year around live in marina. We have a nice lady who winters her sailboat here and lives on it. We have about 10 boats with year around residents. All right in downtown Chicago. I love it.

        • Wow, 10 boats year-round – had no idea that can be done. I used to belong to the gym (Bally’s) at River City some years back. Kids and I live on the NW side of Chicago in Edison Park. Once they go off to college – sell the home and grab a sailboat!

        • Living on a boat actually sounds romantic. Chicago winters brrrrrrr! 😀 A CA girl could freeze her toes off there! 😀

    • Just prior to my divorce (March 2013) I started my own logistics company (May 2012) and is thriving now. I have several employees and love what I do! Almost 4 years in business now. Funny that the fright of starting a business wasn’t even close the fright I was having of my marriage and family breaking apart from a cruel now ex-wife.

      Having to start a business amid a divorce was the most challenging time of my life. Because of that experience and succeeding of both, I have never been so emotionally mighty as I feel right now. But the true might is from gaining residential custody of my 3 kids on a 50/50 split. Even though I am a guy, 50% of my time I am a mighty-“mom” and the other 50% I am a mighty-man, but 100% of the time I am a mighty-dad.

        • Thanks Karen. I always wanted to start my own biz but just passive support from the ex all those years. Plus I was scared to try all these years because I was afraid that I would lose my family if I failed. Imagine that. Even though my family isn’t what I thought it would be, I dropped a cheater and gained a life. Her cheating was the best thing to happen to me. Love my kiddos!

      • Sometime ago there were a few guys who commented that CL was getting a bit man -bashy. I admit sometimes people tend to put cheaters into the male basket and assume women are always the jilted one, I hate that. Thank you for posting such a positive post and being one of the many mighty dudes in the CN. It is appreciated and noted. You are awesome. And mighty.

          • I find the men’s view alot more cut and dry. Same outcome but they are able to cut through the bs. I also respect the fact that they are hereby keeping it real.

    • Blessings to you! I read used boat and smiled! My ex left us for his boat more like $500,000 boat that put us in major debt that we lost our house. But it was more important than me and the kids. I begged him to keep the dream but buy a used one so we can have a home, boat, family, food. He refused used and refused us. I am happy for you and one day would love to get back into boating for the sport not to die paying the mortgage on the boat. Blessings!!

  • I’m mighty having bought my little apartment with proceeds from our house sale and furnishing it with great pieces found on Craigslist and Etsy AND I didn’t have to confer with anyone! I’m also mighty because I realized I needed a raise, asked for it and got an exceptional one and praise for all my effort here in the office! I feel appreciated and excited for this new chapter!

    • Congrats on your great little home! And negotiating for what you’re worth is huge, HUGE. Good for you!

  • Almost two years away from the abusive, narcissistic, control freak and the more time that goes by, the more I realize that I have gained. I was a shell without a voice.

    Over this last year I have started to sing. I never knew I could before! I am 56 years old and I am singing out in public! A friend that is a very accomplished guitarist and I have been doing open mics for the last year and we just had our first all on our own gigs! It is amazing! It is empowering! I am shocked by how brave I feel. After years of being afraid of uttering the word that would trigger the rages, afraid to draw too much attention, trying so hard to be invisible, I am being loud! I found my voice.

    Our last song of the night is “I’m Still Standing” by Elton John. It is my anthem. I sing it loud, with power and with a huge smile.

    I had forgotten what it felt like to do something that made me smile. Freedom is a wonderful thing.

    • Freedom, that is fantastic – open mike, wow. I love “I’m Still Standing.” It could be the anthem for many of us here. I wish I could hear you sing it, I’ll bet you rock it.

    • This story is so inspiring! It’s amazing how being chumped can change our lives if we let go of our dead dreams and reach for doing what WE love.

  • I have been lurking on this site just over a week, first post! Firstly a massive thanks to CL and CN you have been an inspiration and really helped me through and motivated to live my life to it’s fullest potential. It’s only 15 days since DDay. Not a place for my full story but enough to say I have been gaslit to the point of a nervous breakdown and my wasband is a cheating, lying, narcissistic sack of filth. Anyway…
    I’ve left my husband! Moved 300 miles away without notifying him until I got there. Sent an email simply stating; I’ve left you.
    Looking for and may have found a job.
    Applying for college courses to start in the fall.
    Gone no contact, only 5 days so far but it’s a real tonic not to have all the shitty blame and self righteous bullshit thrown at me.
    Met up with friends, spending lots of time with family.
    I’d say I’m well on the way to a speedy recovery. I like to call it recovery as it feels as though I was shot in the chest.
    Fuck yeah, I am mighty!

    • Awesomely Mighty! Very impressive. That took a whole lot of strength. Be really proud of yourself.

      • Thank you and thanks for the welcome! I am really proud of myself, and surprised at how well I’m bouncing back. I think it’s down to an amazing amount of support from friends and family and having done a lot of work on myself over the years through psychosomatic counselling. I lost a lot of self belief during my marriage, became dependant and isolated, but my self worth was always there, just needed to find it again. There’s nothing wrong with me, there’s a whole shit storm of crap wrong with him. Not my problem.

    • Greatest accomplishment this year? I finally got divorced.

      I have a good stable job, where I travel to London every other month or so with a co-worker. Just last week I was walking in the streets of London by myself, and I felt this overwhelming feeling of GRATITUDE, it actually brought tears of happiness. I never thought that I could actually end up HAPPY, without him in my life, Happy being alone, but never lonely.

      I am so grateful for all the beautiful people in my life. I have great kids, great extended family (including my Ex’s family – whom still love me and do not let me go).

      Also this year, I have become real close friends with 3 other divorced women (out of 4 of us – 3 are Chumps) – this relationship with these 3 women, has made all the difference. I no longer feel alone on holidays, we group message each other – with our EX’s WTF is wrong with them, and laugh it off. It is just a beautiful thing.

      This year, I’m hoping to get out of debt, and to save enough to buy my first ALL MINE little place.

      I am not as mighty yet as some of you… but I’ll get there!

    • BRAVO, Narcbait! You are a shining example of how to handle this horror from the get go. I wish I had done what you did from the very beginning. Keep being mighty and WELCOME!!

    • Just wanted to say I’m so happy for all of you! Reading your success stories brought a tear of happiness to my eye. I’m giving all of you a standing ovation right now (my dogs think I’m crazy!). Keep on keeping on!!

      • Im also learning to do only for me and what want. It is very interesting and fun not to be shot down or hear no im too tired and the runnung loop of i dont want to spend the money! Very freeing! And the best part he will never change and hes the whores problem now! Yippee!!!!

      • +1. Chumps are truly are amazing, it takes a lot of Strength to recover from such an intimate betrayal.

    • Keep doing exactly what you’re doing. And I loved that you moved away and THEN notified. That is fantastic.

      • Rumble……if she’s like me, she’s watched enough Discovery ID channel to know better! 🙂

    • Congratulations! I’m so happy for you. Takes SO much courage to move so far & so quickly. The distance will help with boundaries & emotional Health, forcing you to move on.

    • Go you, mighty NarcBait!! So happy you found this site early on! I found Chump Lady 5 months after D-Day#1, 2 weeks after D-Day#2, and I am thankful every day 🙂

  • I am mighty because through a year long abandonment and confusing unclear separation (which apparently included more cheating while we were “working on things” and going to counseling), I have managed to get my two toddlers up and out of bed and ready every morning and to school and got myself to work. Paid all my bills. Kept up a household. And took the kids to church a ton of times to learn about God and be around positive energy. I may not have been a rockstar at work everyday this year but somehow I made I look like I knew what I was talking about it and got a great review. Sure. I sat and dazed out the window in a mindless dog almost everyday. Didn’t get there till 9am some days. But hey. I made it. And I don’t think anybody even really noticed. I am mighty because I pulled off the last year in the midst of betrayal and confusion! Here’s to another mighty year!!!

      • Congrats on being mighty, Peaceful. BTW I may begin referring to my ex as the mindless dog. 🙂

      • Girl you sound exactly like me! My kids are 8 and 6 but while I manage to get my obligations met it is at a leisurely pace. I almost don’t care to act with urgency. But still I am feeling better just taking it at my pace. It brings moments of peace. We have been doing church. Praying a lot at home. We have taken up ballroom dancing. And have planned outings for the rest of the year so we have lots to look forward to.

      • I cooked my son breakfast this morning! And had his clothes clean and his lunch ready to go. This evening he’s going to Ikea with me (an hour away) so I can get a mattress. Last night I contacted an old, mutual friend of my stbx and mine, and got support I wasn’t necessarily expecting, along with some good advice. Wish I could say I was doing better on NC, but I’m trying. Recently fell off the wagon after 2 weeks or so. Oh, and I scheduled and went to an appointment with my doctor in an attempt to intelligently decrease the dose of anti-depressant (going solo Dr. Stupid on that front wasn’t going so well).

        • Oh, and I forgot: I am mighty because I called my lawyer and got her to take $500 off the fee she wanted to charge me for the order of consent (because she had for some reason added $500 to the original estimate). It took some work but I stood up and did it!

          • awesome oaktree just awesome. Remember what I mentioned yesterday, “great oaks grow from little acorns” – you are also soon to be mighty!

    • Peaceful chump, you are the very definition of mighty. I’m so proud of you. You are going to soar.

      • Thanks to you all for the complements. Your stories of being mighty are inspirational to me as well!

  • I’m mighty because I decided to use this opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. I travelled to Alaska and hiked mountains, kayaked past glaciers, rode a bike 22 miles along the coast and nearly ran into a moose. I rode a motorcycle, joined a kickball league, took trapeze class, started rock climbing and spin classes. I participated in amateur open mic storytelling. I took my daughter to Disneyworld twice, all by myself. I’ve talked 2 long road trips alone with her to see family. In my alone time I’ve traveled to Boston and Maine, New York City, New Orleans, Memphis. Almost 2 years out and I live in my own townhouse that I love. This fall I started dating a man who is crazy about me. We seem to communicate incredibly well and I’m falling in love, which I never thought I’d be capable of doing.

    This isn’t the life I expected, but it’s what I have now and I’m having a blast.

    • Kim, that’s fantastic. I’d like to copy a page from your book. I became inexplicably afraid to travel after my divorce and I’m struggling with that. Good for you!

  • Greatest accomplishments this year are my four awesome kids. Seriously. Over the winter holidays asshat told them a condensed and age appropriate reason as to why mom and dad are not together. I’m still here for the after shocks, but the home is happy and calm. I am able to be present with them and not be spinning and jumping through impossible hoops to make a cheater fulfilled (or fill their empty, black, soulless hole).

    Another accomplishment is gaining some valuable work-related experience as I begin to really put myself together and reenter the work force after a 15yr break.

    Woot!

  • I’ve maintained NC for 7 months with only 2 1/2 minor infractions.
    Everything else is still a work in progress, but hey at least it’s in progress.

  • I finally found the strength to divorce my narcissistic, alcohol abusing, womanizing serial cheater. It took a very long time because his behavior was “balanced” with generosity and consideration, not to mention that he was a wildly successful provider. However the instability and codependency was overwhelming and I am stronger for ending the depressing cycle. Just this month, after 18 years since working as an attorney to raise my 3 wonderful kids, I was hired as a salaried, full time employee managing business and legal affairs at a small consulting firm. Next month I am closing on my own apartment. Some days are very scary, but I’m trying to remember every day to be mighty. Thanks Chump Nation!

    • Lisa,

      I think we are married to the same man!!!!!! Alcoholic womanizer and mine was so generous too, but since I left and no longer play his sick game my son and I get nothing. But I have peace, something I never had when I was with him.

    • I love her quote- it’s very Chump Nation.

      “I will stand up like a strong woman. My situation, my past life? That is gone. I’m starting a new life now.”

  • It’s been a nightmarish pick-me dance year until june 2015 followed by 7 months of unclear, frustrating separation with lots of doubts and anger. Yet, I got a pay raise I didn’t even ask for, because of my outstanding work. They trusted me to develop another web application from scratch, on my own, for everyone in this big company to use. I managed to buy X’s share of our home, and made it more beautiful with the help of my friend turned construction worker / renovation specialist.
    I have friends, he doesn’t. And they are great people, funny and skilled.
    I desinfected the room where he used to watch porn and skype with schoopie, and painted it. I installed a new desk for my 27″ screen and A4 graphic tablet. I also managed to finish my 46-page comics, I have started looking for an editor, while translating it to English. Some relatives in the US who loved my work, just asked me to illustrate a book.
    I don’t feel like dating yet, however I made new friends and enjoyed myself with the little time I devoted to going out.

  • I dragged my house out from under foreclosure and a sheriff’s sale, began paying off debt, created no new debt, kept my 3 kids from having to bear any extreme changes, and now have an IRA and a broker!!! Reclaiming my life and after each step forward his words ring in my ears … “You’d die without me” …. Yea, MoFo? THIS is dying? Watch me die without you!!!!

  • Im way out from my initial BD but still reeling from learning the very new info that cheater was unfaithful for most of our 26 year marriage during which I was fully and completely (as in not a single suspicion for YEARS) CHUMPED.

    So now, for various reasons, I am choosing to remain in the house where he lived the last 5 years of his life wreckonciled to me.

    My mightiness has been reclaiming this place and not only making it MINE but making it the HOME of my true love (who values me and isn’t a cheater). The bathroom was torn out down to the studs and redone to MY design and paid for with life insurance money. The marital bed was purged (mattress went out on top of the debris from the bathroom) and dear loves mattress (that no other woman ever had sex with him on) was moved in.

    I took over his office (decorated it all girly and put up a chandelier), removed family photos with him in them, and hung a fucking “US Air Force” flag off the side of my house (Major Cheater was in the Marine Corps).

    Colonel Goodguy and I bought a lovely carpet in Istanbul on the trip where we got engaged – its huge and covers the whole floor of our bedroom. Yesterday I was cleaning it and thought about how it reminds me that the old life is gone and my new life is what Im living – I love the visual reminders that the old is gone and its not my life anymore.

    • My serial cheater wife had pictures of herself all over the house. In retrospect, that should have been a red flag. (Not us, mind you, just her. Seriously, who /does/ that?) Taking them down (except for one, in our daughter’s room, on a shelf at her eye level) was one of the first things I did.

  • You all reminded me today that “Being Mighty” is the road map to meh. Until I read your posts, I would have said I was the poster child for anti-mighty! Now I can proudly say that my short list includes teaching myself to crochet (if you knew me you’d know how insanely mighty that is), making fun gifts for family and friends, work every day – including DDay, fed the dog every day, connected with my adult kids often, stayed on the high road even when it made me cry, filed for divorce, didn’t give in on what I think is important, made new friends, allowed myself to feel every damn thing no matter how shitty, filed a patent, lost 60 pounds, saved some money, repaired my credit rating, and found a therapist who adores chump lady! I still struggle with NC, but I pray for strength every day and know I’ll get there eventually. Thank you all for the love!!!

    • Chumptastic, that is a long list of accomplishments! You are moving forward, even if you don’t feel like it.

    • I think that is a GREAT list!
      I love the ‘taking the high road’ concept, too. It’s not always easy! I did not want to sink to the level of two cheating asses, so I tried to rise above (above the gutter!). When I look back, I’m mostly proud of acting like a lady, or at least a decent human, most of the time as I got out. We have higher standards, after all!

  • I started going to the gym for almost a month now (every other day). Really starting to enjoy it and it also helps get me out of the house. You get to be around other people without any pressure and you get a nice healthy workout from it. Lost 10 pounds in the past 3 weeks.

    • Good for you, Lothos! All those endorphins you get from exercise can only do you good!

  • I purchased and renovated a condo in 2015 and just moved in!!!

    I’m not upset that it’s not on the water, and I’m not upset about not having a boat! I happy I’m away from the disordered and no longer a slave to the house, boat and her! 🙂 I have two daughters and I’m looking forward to spending time with them!

    It’s been 11 months since my D-Day… Wow…
    I found CL/CN around that time and thought somehow my marriage was different…LOL. Not! I’m, so glad that I’ve kept reading and began to realize just how CHUMPY I was and still am! I went from sleeping just a few hours to 4 and 5 hours a night!

    I now laugh and smile more, and spend more time with people who matter.

    I know I still have a ways to go, but I’ve found reading here about poster journeys and their eventual TUESDAY’s inspirational!

  • I started walking dogs and eating healthier (after I started feeling like eating-I’m only 4 months into the big discard after a 34 year marriage), lost 25 pounds. Involved in two different stage shows. Took up clogging and planning to do a huge rv show with my portable garage business. He is someone else’s problem and I am focusing on myself for a change.

    • You are an inspiration. I was 33 yrs married. It’s been a year since DD and I’m still so heartbroken. I have therapy twice a week. It’s all so very sad. I thot id grow old with him. Instead he went for someone 20 years younger. Would love to talk to you more if that’s possible. Thanks

      • Mara, going to therapy twice a week IS mighty! We all process things differently, you are taking care of yourself. Jedi Hugs!

      • Mara, I have a friend who told me today just how much freedom she has lost because her husband, who is 20 years older, is completely dependent on her for everything. She barely has a life. Your a ex and his young twu wuv are going to face this. It isn’t pretty.

  • In June of 2012, I left my ex’s home country with 8 boxes, 3 suitcases, a 9 year old, a cat and a world shattered. Fast forward to today – my 13 year old is happy, healthy, an honors student with good friends, we got our first house last year and though small, it’s our home, and I just started a new job as an executive assistant which is what I used to do pre-marriage. I’m almost at meh, that takes time but I’m happy with my life. 🙂

  • This is all so impressive. Too good to be true in my life. My achievements are small but mighty as I am a slow and tenacious learner. My kids are awesome and seemingly unaffected by my awful experience with their narc/ass father. I love my job – it’s kept me sane. Love my family and friends. Ever so slowly heading to “meh” but I can see the light at the end of the tornado.

  • After 26 years with NPD ex, I’m enjoying the simple fact that I Am Enough every day in my post-divorce life. Seriously, it’s been a game changer on every level. Also, I like the house I’m renting so much that I’m going to buy it!
    Cheater XH and Cheater OW married last summer. So the end of the story goes something like this: the cheaters get each other. And I get a life.

    • “The cheaters get each other and I get a life.” Amen. I heard through the grapevine how enraged my ex was that I have been traveling all over the place these last 2 years. I wanted to when we were married and now I have the freedom to do so. He sent an email last month concern-trolling that he thought I needed help for my depression, and that crying all the time and being angry was not healthy for me. He was “worried.” I was thinking “bitch, please. I’ve never been happier, more energetic, had a fuller social life, or looked better than I do right now.” He loves to think I’m sitting at home crying over him, but the reality is that I’m living life for the first time in 12 years.

      • Kim: Mine did something similar; told a mutual friend how sorry he was for his affair 8 years ago (uhum–plus all those others he won’t admit to), and that I am sad and bitter and unable to get over the betrayal (based on an email debate with X in which I got snarky. Surprising, I know).

        Bitch, please. I made sure to tell mutual-friend’s wife that I was “the happiest I’ve been my adult life,” and she described me as “radiant.” Hope it filters back to X so he knows I am not only healed, but relieved to be without his narcissistic ass.

  • I responded to Mr. Cheaterpant’s “happy birthday” texting hoovering attempt with “new phone, who dis?” And blocked any further texts.

    I googled the hell out of a guy that an acquaintance set me up on a date with, discovered huge red flags and cancelled the date (married/divorced FOUR times, and relationships that obviously overlapped — who gets married within days of getting divorced, several times? A cheater. Also found arrests for assault, and restraining orders!)

    And when a coworker who DID pass the Google test asked me out recently, I was able to both sense what felt like love-bombing AND stand up for myself to tell him to slow his roll and respect my boundaries. Which he did!

    Picker-fixing is well in progress, aided significantly by the complete absence of that old “oh my god I don’t want to be aloooooooooone!” desperation. And I am perfectly happy not dating at all! I could not have gotten to this point without CL and CN.

    • I responded to Mr. Cheaterpant’s “happy birthday” texting hoovering attempt with “new phone, who dis?” And blocked any further texts.

      ^Love this!!

  • In the last 7 months, I have proudly watched my daughter graduate from high school and helped her move in to college. I sold the marital home without a real estate agent (saved $$), sold many items from that home on Craigslist (without any issues) and packed the stuff I wanted to keep all by myself. I purchased and renovated a townhouse, moved in and finally feel settled and happy. I’ve never lived on my own and I love it! The cat and I are happy and my daughter had a really good first semester at college. I love my new life!

    My goals for the upcoming year are to continue to work on healing myself, build my self esteem, clear my head, more renovations, and possibly try dating but no rush for that.

  • Last year I finally traveled again. I went to visit my sister who lives in The Netherlands. We spent a weekend in Paris. I walked on the Champs Elysees, visited most of the tourist attractions in Paris. It was great. I’m going back this year. I also started to decorate the house, and finish of some work on the outside of the house. Oh one thing the ex taught was housekeeping, in the divorce I got to keep the house.
    I also became a trainer at work which I love, and I make way more then he does. I’m taking care of my children, I don’t get any child support from him. But my greatest joy is seeing my children do well, and see them happy again. What I love most is being an independent woman. After being married for 23 years to the narc I treasure my freedom.

  • I bit back. I have a supervisor who loves to talk down to me. 10 years I have listen to her minimize my concerns and at times mock me in front of my coworkers….. That ended last month. I unleashed the beast and with professional dialogue promptly took large strips off her. Our director was witness to the tongue lashing and allowed me the platform to purge. I was asked to present to our directors office later, certain that I was going to be reprimanded or terminated…. She very calmly asked me to close the door and have a seat… When seated she burst into laughter and told me ‘ Oh Clip you are my hero!’

    • Ah . . . I wish someone could teach me to do that and NOT get fired. You rule!

    • TheClip–I wish we had a video of that tongue lashing you delivered, it would satisfy my need for justice just a wee bit. Boundaries, bitch!

    • Get it Clip, get it!!! (We say this on the line to someone who “holding down” a station under stress and doing a bangup job). If you still have this supervisor’s buttcheek, bitch braises nicely, you know…. I am sure the staff enjoys a good roast….

      Love your posts, they always make me laugh.

  • Lately, I’m buying a house, seeing a therapist, and starting to *date* again. The second one is well-overdue. The first and third things are a little scary to me, but I’m venturing to do them anyhow. Time to be brave 🙂

  • I’m still in the baby steps stage, I’ve been divorced for three months, and separated for only 5 or so. I learned about his cheating and started dealt with his ILYBINILWY for only a couple of crazy months. I’m just learning how to be an adult single person.

    I bought a scooter all by myself, wheels are really important since I live in Texas. I decided to volunteer my time to a good cause and I joined a program to be a Court Apointed Special Advocate for children in foster care.

    I participated and was a finalist in my universities 3 Minute Thesis competition, ultimately I didn’t win, but at least I put myself out there.

    I also had a really big professional presentation only a month after my divorce, and I went and I did a kick ass job.

    And I’m learning new skills, mainly knitting and with the help of StarbuckGal cross-stitching.

    It still feels shitty being all alone here in Texas, but I’m just trying to live life for me and be the kindest person I can be.

    • Divorceat25: How great that you’re a CASA volunteer!! Those kids need an advocate. (You should post in forums which big city you’re nearest–there are Austin, Dallas, & Houston chump meetups).

    • Aaaargh. Three minute thesis! That scares the crap out of me. That alone makes you super mighty. The rest is just over-achievement! ?

  • I’m glad you’re considering the coloring book. I posted a link to a coloring book with swears on the forums a few weeks ago—pages that said things like “cum dumpster” and “fucking cunt”—and chumps loved it. Several people said they bought it.

    I know I’d buy a ChumpLady adult coloring book.

  • I managed all of the paperwork for my divorce and packed his stuff up and moved it out! I became free of the ex last May! Since then, I have fixed my kitchen sink, changed the line on my weed eater, and changed the wiper blades on my car – all by myself! I have continued with my studies and am now only 3 semesters from finishing my degree. I have not only cut out the dead weight of my ex but I have re-evaluated a few of my “friendships” and have cut out a little dead weight there as well. I took myself on vacation and went to a concert that I had always dreamed of attending. I redecorated my bedroom the way I wanted. Every day – I do what I want when I want, no one criticizes me, no one in my life talks down of others and says nasty things, and I laugh more.

    • Hell, I’d give you huge props for the weed-eater alone! Those goddam things were invented to test my frustration levels and see how long I can work on it before I call for help.

  • I am traveling the world without worrying what girls he is cheating on with now. I save money (something we never did as a couple) i lost 26 pounds. I am happy and healthy and open to new beginnings. My cup runs over. 🙂

  • I have blogged off and on over the past many years. When I most miserable is when I was most likely to write. I recently figured out a way that I could still blog and it wouldn’t be about unhappiness for a change. I’ve started a blog call Weekend Indulgence ~ http://www.weekendindulgence.com/ where I featured a cocktail recipe every week. I’m having a lot of fun with it!

  • Last night was senior recognition night at my son’s basketball game. Parents had to escort their kids into the gym for awards. I had to wait half an hour in line next to STBX, whom I haven’t spoken with in I don’t know how many months. Other than to smile and say hi, I said not. one. word. to him. What was there to say? We were there for our son, he got his awards, pictures, and then we walked out in opposite directions. Just getting through that made me feel mighty.

    • Yeah, that had to suck. I am not looking forward to any of that, but I know it’s on my horizon…Power to you for getting through it!

  • Since D-day January 2012, I have maintained NC with the narc except for terse informative emails concerning the absolute minimum of what he needs to know or be involved with.
    I adopted a cat and Oscar, my mom’s dog, finalized my will, saw my daughter through four years of college, bought her a (very used) car and helped her relocate for her new job this past summer, assisted in the care of my 85 year old mother with dementia, was finally able to afford baseball and basketball programs for my younger son, taught my older son to drive, took a job as an part-time elementary music teacher at a private school, learned to row, participated in two regattas (boat races), have been kickboxing two to three times a week, and have taken up wheel-throwing (pottery) as a winter activity. I like my life and more importantly, myself, now that I’m cheater-free. Meh is definitely on the horizon.

  • 1. Bought a home with family home proceeds. Love it. Me and the pups have a cozy home.

    2. taking classes and i am working on a book.

    3. Doing exactly what I want. Priceless.

    4. Rounding the financial corner into solvency in retirement. Paid off legal bills.

    5. Realizing I hold the reins in all aspects of my life. Wow.

    • Woohoo!! Oh how much progress we can make when we don’t spend our time trying to understand why they are such sad sausages.

  • You all rock….. it’s so inspiring! !!

    I have finally received a partial payout of our settlement agreement. I have furnished an apartment with all Good Will items….and painted mirrors and furniture my favorite color….Teal. I live in Western Pa….but I have a shabby chic beachy vibe going on. I buy what I like….and don’t hide it in my car or give explanations to anyone.
    I just booked a 3 week Vacation to SW Florida and the Keys.
    I go country line dancing on Friday nights and dance my ass off….I dance with whoever asks….and don’t worry about anybody calling me names for it.
    I got a job…..full time….working g for my divorce attorney. I am a hairdresser….this is all new to me. I’m learning a whole new skill set. I love my new job and Co workers.

    Finally….it’s finally coming all together….my divorce is not final. But I see the end. We have another trial set for April.

    Welcome NarcBait….you are mighty….I wish I would have done what you have been able to do…

    Love ChumpLady and ChumpNation.

    • I’m in W PA as well. I’ve been following your story–inspiring and mighty!

  • Wow, so great to read the mightiness. I still read here everyday. CL and CN got me through the darkness. So, what did I do:

    1. graduated from Grad school (again) with honors during proceedings
    2. got a job I love (part time)
    3. got a settlement I can live with after being told “you haven’t contributed to the bottom line for 14 years”
    4. learned I am worthy
    5. refinanced the marital home to a savings of $500 per month
    6. leased a car (they said I wouldn’t have credit to buy home or get car)
    7. took my kids on three trips out of my comfort zone: the best, trekking the Grand Canyon
    8. re decorated several rooms
    9. made new friends
    10. starting a business helping people through the divorce process
    11. planning a trip to Spain
    12. planning my next move in 7 years to go home which is “out west”.

    I so needed this day, to remind me that in three years I have weathered, survived, and grown. I’d love to meet a fellow chump, Im in the Metro Detroit area, but until that happens, I’m happy with who I am becoming. Chump Nation and Chump Lady rock!

  • I went back and read my mightiness report from July 2015. I was so proud of myself for making a budget and helping my 16 year-old son change his tire! Both worthy accomplishments for a new chump floundering in panic and despair.

    Now, I can report that I: 1) am divorced with no contact 2) have sole custody of my son 3) have refinanced the house in my name 4) made it through Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year’s and 5) helped my son build a paper bridge for his Honors Physics project. That motherf’n bridge nearly killed me.

  • I’m mighty because I have learned to wake up with a smile on my face every day despite the credit rating he ruined, the money he stole, the health risks he put me through with his various partners and massage parlors and escorts, and despite being fooled by a fake cancer diagnosis. I’m mighty because I haven’t let it make me bitter (mostly ?) and I’m still optimistic and hopeful for the future and whatever is around the corner. I’m learning to live on my own for the first time in my adult life, developing my career and making travel and financial plans for the future. I’m mighty because even though I still have some bad days where I cry myself to sleep, I’ve learned to stop beating myself up for it and accept that it’s part of the grieving process of letting go of what I thought was reality but was just a Narc show.

    • Chump Bear, you sound like you are on the right path! Allowing yourself to grieve and heal is very mighty! I think there are a lot of things in our culture that encourage us to escape the pain instead of allowing ourselves to feel it. I remember that I heard something about there being no way out but through, and that was a sort of mantra for me as I allowed myslef to feel the pain when it came and not to rush the process. Good for you!

  • Just prior to my divorce (March 2013) I started my own logistics company (May 2012) and is thriving now. I have several employees and love what I do! Almost 4 years in business now. Funny that the fright of starting a business wasn’t even close the fright I was having of my marriage and family breaking apart from a cruel now ex-wife.

    Having to start a business amid a divorce was the most challenging time of my life. Because of that experience and succeeding of both, I have never been so emotionally mighty as I feel right now. But the true might is from gaining residential custody of my 3 kids on a 50/50 split. Even though I am a guy, 50% of my time I am a mighty-“mom” and the other 50% I am a mighty-man, but 100% of the time I am a mighty-dad.

  • As of today I am officially retired. My life has been pretty unexciting for the last year or two. I plan to decompress from the 9-5 world, revisit my passion for painting and writing, reconnect with my lovely dogs and just enjoy my freedom. And I want to give something back to this country that has been my home since I left my other home. There is much to do but there is time to do it — and freedom from the anchor that would have kept me from it.

    • Congratulations on your retirement! I hope it leads to all kinds of wonderful discoveries.

  • I am mighty because I decided (a few weeks ago now) that I don’t want to be married to a cheater. We’ve met with a mediator and begun dividing up assets, opening our own accounts, etc. and divorce papers and mediated settlement order will be filed within weeks (we have been separated for about a year now since D-Day). I feel great and I am about as close to Meh as Meh can be. I can look myself in the mirror and know that I had the self-respect to not tolerate what happened and I now know that for years I have put up with abusive and manipulative shit that I should never have permitted. I also have taken a hard inventory of myself and know that I would rather be alone than with someone I can’t trust. Thus, any future relationships will begin with respect and mutuality or there will be no relationship. I loved picking out my own furniture the other day! I wear what I want, do what I want, go to bed when I want, watch what I want, and I am in the best physical shape of my life (in part yes do to affair-discovery dieting – ha!). I wake up early now and write about my future, a future without a cheater. I truly have gained a life.

  • I have not been offered the position yet – but I am in the process of it and hope to have it soon – and still live with my Cheater. I stayed home with our children and gave him his shot (which I attained for him, career-wise), so he could feel better about himself. Maybe that would shore up the strength he needed to behave like a real man? heh.

    He appears to be a Unicorn. I have all the agreements. He seems devoted. But after multiple D-days over the past 13 years, I know his ability to seem genuine. I don’t trust him. He knows this.

    I’m at Meh, within my marriage. And he knows that too. I had been waiting for him to cheat on me again… to at least start up an EA. He believes his own bullshit but I know he’s easier to break than he would ever admit to himself. He’s just waiting for me to drop the shoe. I’m thinking that, consequentially, my being at Meh will help him give the green light to himself to be the All the Suckery that he really is. I give him a month before he stops lying to himself.

    This is my mighty, for now. Building my way to independence and letting him know that I’m not planning on a future with him in it.

    • insist, it’s a funny feeling when we know that the narc will eventually show themselves yet again, and we’re just biding our time. I lived with that with my ex, just wasn’t sure how the selfish entitled jerkiness would manifest the next time, but was pretty sure it would. He actually finally started making efforts to be a less unpleasant person and a better father and husband … THEN cheated again. Sigh.

  • I am 1.5 years out of being a stranded and abandoned chump. 10 months was a reckonciliation, a summer love, to the last few months to being truly on my own and going NC. Since the day I was booted out, I have gotten my own place, furniture.. new pots, pans, a dog, a new car, a new wardrobe, new hair etc.. I built my home base business stronger, cleaned up my finances, started a savings account, read books, watch tv programs I enjoy. Basically I am the same exact me with same routine as when I was with my EX, I just now live without drama, hurt, burden, and interruption. I got to a point where I stopped being the victim and have taken accountability for my actions/inactions of the past life with him. While I loved him and did right by him, I did not love me and do right by me. I now realize that the universe (for lack of better example) has taken a corrective course with my divorce. I would have went back but the universe was ensuring I did not with my reckoncilation. My summer love was more of the universe showing me I really had to fix my picker. I dug deep and got to a place where I can admit to myself today that I did not feel worthy of better. I would have fought you on that, but now I see I did not love me. I am now having a love affair with me. My life has improved so much.. same life but now allowed to flourish. I am OKAY. I am so lucky to still have my parents and be in a better place today.. both my home and my heart. I have learned so much and without his bizarre behavior over and over again, I would have stayed 30 more years. It was all that betrayal, hurt, discard and abandon that saved MY life. I loved him, yes. But I miss nothing of him. I wish him well. I hope that maybe he gets to experience what it is to be healthy heart and soul. I don’t wish him ill. I made a bad choice with him. I would have never known of such things … you could not have told me. But I put myself in the path of the freight train and was dumb enough to be shocked when it finally ran me over.

    I got a second chance with me, life and the world. I could not have had he not cheated and went KOO KOO as bizarre as it was. When he devalued me, that is when I got to start to value me. Me valuing me is so much more important. Now that I value me, I only have room for others who do which is pathing the way for a the healthy fulfilled life I have missed out on. I got a second chance. I am still devastated and sad BUT liberated and MIGHTY.

    I AM MIGHTY. ALL OF US HERE ARE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE MIGHTY.

    • Jackie, thank you for sharing this. Loving him and doing right by him, but not loving me or doing right by me. I’m going to remember this It is powerful. Thanks for being mighty!

  • I helped my son move to a new town to complete his degree, saw my oldest return to college after a nine year hiatus and went on The Farewell College Tour with my youngest daughter, after which she was admitted to the school of her dreams. I supported my oldest daughter, so she could concentrate on her studies in graduate school, and she will graduate with high honors this spring.I traveled 2000 miles to attend a concert and visit a city I lived in years ago. I oversaw the renovation of my beloved beach cottage on a tight budget and it looks amazing. I maintained my dignity during my dad’s and niece’s funerals (they died within months of one another) after my mother invited X to both funerals and insisted that he sit “with the Family”, ie me! I continue to heal, to grow, and to accept the beautiful gift of being alive each and every day!

  • CL, congrats on the book. I plan to buy two for my local libraries. Yes, I’d love the CL coloring book as well.

    I’m 58 now and it’s been 2 years and four months since I attempted suicide when my cheater husband discarded me.

    I no longer take medication for depression. I no longer get severe stress migraines. I was out of the job market for 10 years, but now I’ve been working full time since last April at a job that is very fulfilling.

    It’s been a hellish journey which I could not have survived w/o CL and CN and yes, I did turn to God and that’s helped too.

    I recently contacted a mortgage loan person to ask if I could afford a home on my income and she said yes. I’ve saved and improved my credit score and now hope to buy my own modest home in July of this year when my bankruptcy (thanks, cheater) is two years old.

    I would love to share my life with someone but I’m not going out of my way to find that. I like myself and enjoy my own company.

    Last week my ex texted me and said “You should talk to me to keep my spirits up.” I told him no. I’ve come a long way.

    Love you, Tracy and all of Chump Nation.

    xox

    • Staying mighty, Moving Liquid. He was an asshole to text you and try to take part of your shining light for his dark hole.

    • ML, YOU ARE MIGHTY!! I remember you in the early days and boy have you come far. You are one of the many success stories to be shared on CN. Continue to be strong and move forward and love being on your own. The rest will follow. Love and best wishes to you. xo
      PS – Don’t engage with your ex. He has taken up enough of your time and life. Bin him.

      • Thank you, Maree. You’re so kind. It’s so nice to “see” you again. xox

    • Cheating entitlement never ends, I’m happy you are in a much better place now and can say “No!”

    • Hi Moving Liquid- we share similar post cheater time… and age! I’ve been reading your blog and keep meaning to comment. You write very well and honestly and I’m really pleased for you on the mortgage front. I know how important that is to you.

      • Mikky, thank you for your kind words. It was surprising news considering how little that will leave me to live on, but I’m ready for the challenge. Thank you for reading. xox

    • Stay mighty and strong moving liquid: I will be divorced 1 year next week. Cheater gone 17 months, tried to reconcile for 4 fake months, lonely I suppose. Never let him move back to house, although he wanted to. X decided to move his very young affair partner then, now girlfriend back in with him. Guess the teenager made up. You see he is 52, she just turned 23. I went nc. However, grandpa decided to tell me that “you know you can talk to me.” Really about what. But guess what he wanted to let me know he was depressed and wanted to come home! Because his girl is pregnant! Wowser! Yep the Karma train showed up. Awh starting a new family. Crying “im30 years older than her” tsk tsk.
      I guess ge forgot “i got fired from my job of caring.” This is his endless black hole of need. Enjoy!
      Hope you gf comes to grips with her daddy issues one day.
      As our daughter said, she is 25 and is a mom, “this entire thing does not ferl real or right. Its like a fantasy played out in a real life setting, i dont think it will end well”

    • ML–you have been an inspiration since I first happened upon CL a year and a quarter ago. I’m thrilled that you’ve reached a state of happiness & contentment, and am honored to have been along for the ride.

      xx

    • Hey, Moving….Sorry l am late to the party (again! am busy having a cheater-free life!)

      Love you, too. You are very precious to me and have been an inspiration to me! So good to hear this update from you!

      It is such a joy to know so many people who have weathered this storm of insanity and instead of dissolving into a puddle of slimy muck, have risen above to become kind, loving, caring individuals! What a place to call home, this Nation of caring souls!

      Forge on, MovingLiquid….ForgeOn!

  • I was told by my X (while he was drunk) – I want a divorce. I’m taking the house. I’m taking the kids. Don’t fight me or things will get ugly (after all, HE is mighty. Wealthy parents to assist and all that). I guess it was his decision that getting hammered every night for 15 years was not an effective way to manage a marriage, be an attentive father or with cheating while married.

    The OW? Still going through her separation (she was a family friend and has kids that know our kids, etc.,). What a catch. He’s just waiting for her divorce.

    Meh? With the OW? Oh ya.

    Meh? With the X? Almost there…. this site has been key to making my way there… I don’t need some
    bloody therapist to tell me to “find myself now that I have all this freedom”. At 52, I have known and still know who my friends are, what I like to do, have always done and still do.
    My mightiness? I have the house. I have the kids. I have older kids and they saw it all unfold before their own eyes and are at their personal ‘mehs’ with the OW and their Dad as well. We all know that his games are NOT fun to play.

    I am truly inspired by all here. 🙂

  • My ex abandoned all of us (me and our three kids) pretty much completely after D-Day which was 4 years ago. Despite the incredible mind fuck, I had a lawyer before D-Day was even concluded and got a quick divorce. After a few bouts of hysteria, I maintained my calm for the most part and manipulated my ex (after researching “how to manipulate a sociopath”) and got out of the marriage financially unscathed. I survived finding out that my ex husband had lead a double life and cheated on me with two co-workers for over 15 years. I survived many many humiliations and sick games ex and his AP’s inflicted on chumpy me and our kids throughout my marriage (they were his co-workers and pretended to be family friends). There was gaslighting that is even hard for me to believe as I look back. I survived my until-D-Day-supposedly-loving husband telling me within days that he loved one of his group sex partners more than me and was going to marry her. I survived waiting for her youngest son to be DNA tested.

    Once my divorce was final (and after I found Chump Lady), I maintained NC almost completely except for absolutely necessary and business-like financial emails which occur less than once or twice per year now. I remortgaged our family home into my name and maintain it, so that my children would have some stability through all the drama and abandonment. I relied on a few friends, a good counselor, family, journaling, reading about personality disorders and abandonment, and Chump Nation to get me through. And it did. I re-connected with many friends who had fallen to the wayside, many because they had a problem with my ex.

    I got my daughter through her final three years of college. She is now in a fellowship teaching position in Italy where I have already traveled to visit her by myself and will do so again soon. I saw my oldest son through his final years of law school, supported him mentally and financially during exams and through the bar exam. I attended their graduations with my parents and their siblings, and ex was AWOL and did not even know when these events occurred.

    I kept my law practice going and in fact kicked ass at it and am now a named partner and doing incredibly well. My oldest son is now an associate in our firm and is kicking ass.

    Through all this, I raised my youngest son, now 16, alone since ex left (ex has not seen him once in 4 years). He is now a sophomore in high school and we are super-close, having been left alone with the older kids out of the house and his father going to ground since D-Day.

    Shortly after my divorce was final, I decided that I’d prefer that the last story in my romantic life not be the hideous things my ex and his AP’s did to me. A few bad dates led me to discontinue Match.com or any kind of organized dating efforts. But I still decided that if the chance happened to come along I would still give dating another try. Shortly after that, my brother’s best friend, a fellow chump who had already been divorced years before, got in touch with me. We met to have a drink, started dating, and were married in June 2014. I never imagined a relationship like this, with a true and authentic connection and the feeling that my husband and I are on the same side. It is so stunning yet so simple, and I have come to learn that I never realized how shallow my ex was and how weak our connection really was until now.

    I survived ex marrying AP#1, one I thought was a co-worker and family friend, last summer. I accepted that it still hurt even though I had moved on. I accept the flashbacks of pain and recognition of chumpy moments that still come to me after the 25 years of marriage and deception I endured, but they are coming less and less.

    Friends and co-workers tell me I am a very different person than I was before D-Day. I was emotionally stunted, closed down, depressed, unsure why I was empty and sad, and very very withdrawn. I drank too much, every night, just to get through and did not even know why. Since D-Day, I barely drink, feel alive, have more energy, and cannot even seem to fully recall the old Kelly.

    Just recently I have noticed that I have stopped cycling through periods of intense pain over the injustice of having been chumped, having the best years of my life wasted, and waiting to witness karma biting ex in the ass (is it true that a watched karma-bus never strikes?). I credit that to time, NC, and bit by bit replacing the places in my life that had been laid to waste with these beautiful things.

    • Kelly, I am moved by your story and thank you for your honesty about the bad feelings that still crop up. We can accept those, but they don’t rule us. Congratulations on your marriage to a good man. Yay!

    • (is it true that a watched karma-bus never strikes?)-Unfortunately yes. It has been my experience and observation that the “karma bus” strikes well after we truly don’t give a rat’s ass. I think the universe figures that if karma strikes while we are still emotionally raw/involved there may be a chance of a chump thinking the cheater or abuser learned their lesson and therefore end up taking them back, rescuing, etc. This will only prolong the inevitable cycle of being abused or cheated on again. I think far too many chumps have had the fantasy of the cheater’s life blowing up in their face (karma), having some sort of epiphany, begging forgiveness and spend the rest of their lives making up for all the wrongdoings. Indulging in that fantasy means you are not yet over the abuser but hang on you’ll get there and karma will eventually hit them some way or some how.

    • Kelly, so happy for you. Fate gave you exactly what you deserved and earned. Good for you 🙂

  • After reading these for 2 years, I’m ready to contribute and proclaim my mightiness:

    I prepped the marital home and put it on the market. Sold within days.

    Divorce finalized.

    I bought a car. Not new, but it’s mine, the first in my life.

    I bought a house. Negoiated and got a good price, I also great interest rate on the mortgage. Looking forward to decorating it with my kids and making it ours.

    Next up, destination “Meh” and figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

  • I wish I could respond to everyone here, the old and the new, with congratulations on making it through to the other side with their mightiness. We weathered a psychological and some a physical war to win back our life.

    Tracy, I have said it before and I will say it again, thank you. Thank you for all you have done for giving a voice where none existed.

    Chump Nation roars!

  • Hey all my beloved & precious Chumps!

    I can not hold a candle to all of the mightiness displayed by my amazing fellow chumps, but here it is, nonetheless:

    I bought my very first vehicle, all on my own!! Qualified for loan all on my own!

    Yes, I did have my son come look at it with me, once I had it narrowed down, as it will be used in our business, as well as being my personal vehicle. But, the big thing is, I did all the shopping and qualified for the loan ON MY OWN!

    When I took title of my trade-in vehicle over to cheaterpants so he could sign-off on it, he seemed really miffed that my life is going so much better than he predicted it would. Silly him! He tried to pry info out of son as to price & other details. Crickets from son…….Son did at least let ‘sperm donor’ know that I had qualified ALL ON MY OWN! Son did NOT co-sign. Yeah Me! Son is proud of his Mom……

    Left the cheater, am RECLAIMING my life!

    Forge on, you mighty ones….ForgeOn!

    • That is really awesome! I hope you take those wheels on a freedom road trip with the wind in your hair and your favorite tunes blasting!

      • Thanks, ChefBella!

        First road trip will take me to ChumpLady’s “neck-of-the-woods” to see my parents in Central Texas. (over 700 miles)

        Been 3 long years since I have seen them as I have been trying to get my financial feet under me. (sad, as they are elderly)

        I get $0 from cheater. (no divorce yet….can’t afford) I was a SAHM & then worked from home in family business for many years. So, gaining some financial independence has taken time. (With a lot of help from my Precious Son!)

        When Son was young, we used to travel to see his grandparents as often as we could. On several memorable trips, we blasted all the “Beach Boys” classics. I imagine I could do the same for this momentous sojourn!

        As the old ‘Bartels & James’ commercial stated: ‘Thank you for your support’!!!!

        Forge on, ChefBella….ForgeOn!

  • It’s been four years since the final DDAY. I finished grad school in a stupor of pain and confusion. It took time to pick myself up, but I finally kicked him out, filed for divorce, sold the home, moved to a new town, started life all over, BUT life now is amazing! It is better then I could have expected. I love my new town, I joined a new band, I got the job I always wanted. I wake up in gratitude, I go to sleep in gratitude. I met a great guy that treats me like a queen and enjoys making me laugh. Getting through the fear was so hard, but so worth it!

  • This morning I sent my gym buddy a link to my blog. I am still with the Ho-Hub because of finances and it’s basically a hide and ho seek game right now. But he came home from “the library” an hour and a half after it closed yesterday and his face smelled like fruity whore pie. And he thinks I am so in the dark. Nope. Where do you think the $50 dollars came from, that you took out of the bank?

    Fuck you. You fuck with me, I’m gonna take all our friends. You don’t get out of this Scott free. I’ma gonna tell em all and you are going to be the biggest sick lonely fuck.

    Yknow… Once you get a job so I don’t owe you fucking alimony. (But he passed his licensing exam which gives me some gas/fumes to keep up this sharade.)

    Faking it to get the best exit: mighty (I hope?)
    Exposing him to besties: mighty

    • Wow creative, that is a difficult situation: I don’t know how you deal with it.I hope the moment when you can spring your trap arrives sooner than later!

      • Me too. It’s getting more difficult which is why I had to tell another person, I see her much more than my other friends who know. But it sooooo close. I can smell the end. and I stand it by blogging. Support is key. But I can’t wait to spring this either. I wonder how much I can make it into something that I use to feel empowered- controlling the dialogue or how much I will just end up a big pile of mush. Realistically, getting out is winning so I don’t need to worry about looking glamorous. It’s ok to ugly cry.

        • What an awful waiting game. My X serial cheater Ho-Hub came right out and told me- You’re going to have to pay me alimony!
          He thought, because he had ‘anxiety’ and hadn’t worked in about 5 years, that he could get the judge to give it to him. My attorney laughed over that idea! She had me give her copies of a few years of tax returns where he out-earned me, which was actually for decades, and she said that historically, he could support himself.
          Thought this might help you.

  • After 27 years of putting up with my husband’s mess and hoarding, over the last 18 months since D-day I have transformed the family home so I can open the door any time without feeling ashamed and uncomfortable and so that the kids are no longer embarrassed to bring their friends home.

    • OMG Me Too Lelibelle!!!!!
      I can now walk around my own home barefoot with the lights off and know I won’t be injured!
      No one in my everyday life grasps how amazing that is, hoping you do!

  • I can sit by myself in my apartment, and feel…peace. I no longer hear the nagging fear that my wife is having “visitors” while I’m out of town. I no longer have doubts that that lame story she told about spending 3 hours at Target, when she only bought 5 things, might not be true. I no longer have this gnawing angst about all her male “friends” at work and everywhere else that seem to call or text or e-mail all the time. I am not having the argument with her about why she is going out to “girls night out” with her friends to a bar in her most revealing shirt. I don’t miss those harpies, either, come to think of it.
    I am no longer playing the “marriage police.” I’m happily resigned from that position, for good.

    What a nice feeling.

  • The first anniversary of my divorce was yesterday. I’ve been awash in tears, anger and hopelessness for over a year. Yesterday I expected to be suicidal. When I woke up my first thought was of the sadness, but my next thought was “well, I don’t feel like doing that today.” And I didn’t. It was just a normal day, with moments of happiness and moments of frustration, but none of it was about the ex. All I can say is, it’s about fucking time! Last year I started running, managed to pay my bills, get a promotion, and take care of my dog — accomplishments overshadowed by the crushing sadness about losing my husband to another woman. Yesterday, finally, there was a day, just a day, nothing special except it was a day in MY life and not about him. So yeah, I’m mighty. Mini-mighty at this point, but mighty nonetheless.

  • Almost two years since my divorce, I rented out the house that the X was sure he was going to get, and I moved to a state with palm trees. I was approved to work remotely, so I didn’t have to find a new job.

    I completely cut off ties with ALL Switzerland friends and family and ended up gaining an entire group of new friends who are more like my people. I don’t have to listen country music anymore, nor hear stories of how he was a real American hero, or bragging about how awesome he was at work today. I don’t live in a house with 20 guns in it either. My current partner is a complete 180 from what I dealt with before. Fantastic.

    Oh and I paid down my credit card debt. At last check I owed a whooping $331. It’s amazing to me how much money you can save when you’re not spending it all on ammo and fishing gear. Thanks Divorce!

  • I’m mighty because I feel better. You were right. The pain was finite.

    After 18 years of feeling worthless during our marriage and the last four years divorcing the loser who made it his mission to destroy me, I wake up at peace.

    Best. Feeling. Ever!

    • {{{{HUGS!}}}} to you Chutes! SOOOOOO good to hear from you again! Thanks for being a part of my healing journey.

      Love it when Tracy does the ‘Mightiness’ check! Brings out all the amazing ‘voices of experience’! We have ‘been there, done that, got the shirt’….and we are becoming the best of the best!

      Thanks to Tracy for providing a place where we can share, encourage, strengthen. Many of us are ‘older women’ and ‘older men’. Some of us have grown children, grandchildren or even great-grandchildren. Even those who are not parents have so much to give, to share. This Nation give us a place to impart words of wisdom to the younger generation, something so sorely needed.

      Forge on, Chutes….ForgeOn!

  • I am mighty because I’m still here. In the last 18 months I was diagnosed with a rare stage 3 cancer that was spreading. I lost my relationship of many years, my home, my job, my health, basically everything.

    Mighty ness was not glorious just enough to not kill myself. That was an effort. Crawling along. All the things my chumpy self did to make excuses for my ex couldn’t hold up once I was in chemo and radiation. I was no longer handling his entire needs Which I’m ashamed to say looking back was a very long detailed list of doing everything for him. Booking him work, prepping 60 fitness meals a week, paying the bills. Just sadly everything. My life was him.

    Now I was not useful because the focus was on me for the first time in our 6 years together. As the sad sausage you guess he was he cheated, lied, withdrew affection all as I tried to fight cancer. He kept money from me and charged up thousands on the credit cards buying himself things to console himself . As if seeing me weak made him pounce, I can’t even repeat how bad it got. How dark it was. I had no family aside from my daughter. If not for her, if just for how he was so cruel during this, I would have killed myself.

    I’m mighty because I lived. In alive. I’m not ‘meh’, I’m not good, but I’m fighting. The cancer is in remission. I lost everything but my daughter and myself. I may be almost homeless and broke, but I’m here. And there’s a light. I feel mighty.

    • You’re not alone. I’m glad that you shared this. Sometimes hearing the mighty stories is hard, when you’re deep in the thick of it. I’m totally having a tough time with all these stories, because I want them to be me, but I don’t have equity in my house to do a renovation, I don’t have money to get divorced, I barely have money to buy spaghetti.(and I’m celiac so that’s no good to me anyway… Lol) so it’s nice to hear mighty even in the dirt. I am mighty because the more I wait to act, the more I learn and the more I know he really fucking sucks. I’m so sorry your story unfolded the way it did. But I’m so glad that you wrote this, for me. And I’m so glad that you recognize that alone, and still broken, is better than with him.

    • Chump2t9d: Your story is gut-wrenching. I’m sorry you had to live through cancer and the knowledge that you were married to a selfish prick who did not care for you when you most needed it. I’m sure you must not feel mighty all the time, but your resilience is awe-inspiring.

      As much as it hurts to lose everything else, consider a choice between your daughter, or home+husband+material goods. You made the right choice.

      Hugs!

    • Hey, C29D… You are mighty. You are here today. I am so sorry it took you being sick for his mask to fall off. My brother took his life. My mother had a nervous breakdown and dad went into kidney failure. My ex took that time to fall in love with a new AP. I later found out more. Seems they do it exactly at the best time. This way the impact is more and you wont forget you stopped serving ur Narc. I am so sorry you went thru that. I hope you know your daughter needs you to okay? You love you and the rest will follow

    • C29D, you sound amazing. I got a cancer diagnosis, too, in the middle of the divorce mess. Sending you love and prayers! Take extra good care of yourself right now, and also your daughter. I hope all turns out well for you both!

  • Mighty huh? Don’t know if I’m mighty and I know I’m no where near meh but I am a damn good dad, I’m slowly getting the house to look how I want it to(would be faster if I didn’t spend most of my time cleaning and doing laundry :-)) and I have jumped back into the dating pool. Just wading for now but someday I hope to go to the deep end again.

    • Yes, accubonded…You ARE mighty! IMHO, just resisting the urge to kill these disordered freaks & their “twu wuv schoompies” makes us mighty! Therefore, you are indeed mighty!

      Being the sane parent makes you mighty!

      Careful with the dating….glad you are just in the wading pool…….

      So glad you are still hanging tough! I have many men chumps in my family & I have seen that they often get ‘short shrift’ for some reason. Perhaps because male cheaters are more often in the news?

      Not sure, really, as I know just as many men chumps as women chumps. My own Father (first marriage / NOT my mother), two of my brothers, two of my precious nephews and my own precious Son.

      Forge on, acuubonded….ForgeOn!

  • The best thing that’s happening in my life is that I am beginning to recognize how cool it is to do whatever I want whenever I want.

    And that I can choose how to experience things.

    And that challenges (e.g., STBX won’t respond to settlement offer, he’s still in the house, my lawyer’s fees are more than I earn in a month…) are manageable.

    And that a bad day doesn’t equal a bad life.

    And I don’t have to react. Or respond. If I don’t want to.

    And today is International Clash Day and there’s a gorgeous sunrise over the Cascade mountains in Seattle and I don’t have students as it’s the end of the semester.

    I’m relishing simple pleasures and trying not to focus on the scoundrel.

    For right now that’s what mighty looks like for me.

  • When I learned my wife of 20 years had been a serial cheater for almost our entire marriage, I came unraveled. I clearly had the symptoms of PTSD I read about. I was so distraught I nearly lost my job of 27 years, was demoted, and my salary reduced by $13,000 per year.

    I have been divorced for 10 months, we sold our home, my kids and I moved into an apartment and, with one kid in college, finances have been very difficult – quite desperate actually. I have been praying for God to help me find outside sources of income to help me get back on my feet.

    I got a call out of the clear blue asking if I would reconsider teaching a seminar I had turned down four months earlier because I was still struggling emotionally. I am still struggling and I’m nervous about this, but I have to believe that call coming two days after my prayer was not coincidence. Someone up there was listening. I also need so desperately to feel I have some value – something to build my self-esteem.

    I took the job on faith that I am supposed to say yes. It’s over $4000 for a day and a half of work – and they want me to teach it twice this year and on an ongoing basis. I am so hopeful about and thankful for this opportunity, and intend this to be the start of making my way back to recovering my self-confidence – not just for me, but for my children.

  • -I’ve started a job in a career that my now XW couldn’t back me on making more money than I’ve had in years. I’m back to the bottom of the barrel, but at least this barrel floats higher.
    -Tomorrow I fly across the country on vacation with a wonderful, supportive woman. This is the first vacation I’ve taken without kids in 18 years. It will even include a day in Mexico. I’ve never been out of the country.
    -started getting a better feel for finances. In my 21 year marriage, I’ve only had a day in the one year we were separated. I’m a bit nervous about doing my own taxes, but I’ll manage.
    -I may not be doing great, but I’m raising my two teen boys ang guiding them with zero input from their mother. Her idea of co-parenting was coming into my house and hanging out like a big happy family. I finally put my foot down and said no.

    • awesome chump dad and keep on saying “no”. I also took that step backwards to take several steps forward in my career. Your happiness in your career will rub off in your personal life. Also continue to be decisive for your kids, you know what’s best for them.

  • I’m half way into another year of supporting two residences. After February I’m golden. My daughter graduated with her degree in psychology and my son is in his final semester for his masters.

    I have a friend I’m seeing on occasion. Quirky, nerdy, and funny, nothing serious. He’s a composer.

    I’m developing my SINGLE identity and love it!

  • My divorced was finalized March 2013 and ex moved overseas September 2013 so I have been a single parent since that time.
    In the past year:
    I stood my ground when ex refused to compromise on child support– we ended up in court; he now pays double what he had before
    I went to court to support my children’s visitation wishes, and court sided with me/kids.
    I bought a car. first time just me, and when I realized the salesmen added one $5000 item I had not wanted to sign up for…. I got it back!
    I refinanced the house to start a renovation project that I have wanted to do for 12 year! Work starts in two weeks.
    My daughter is still alive (two suicide attempts/plans) and is FINALLY opening up and sharing her thoughts and feelings with me.
    Both kids just made honor roll (even daughter!)
    I went on a date on Monday, and actually had fun and was able to just be me.

    To the newbies– take each day at a time, it does get better!
    CL– I would love a CL coloring book!

    • So glad you’re daughter is okay — and woot! on the honor roll for both of them. Take a bow, Sane Parent. 🙂

    • You are rockin’ it!! SO glad to hear that your daughter is improving. That’s entirely a testament to YOU. Keep on keepin’ on. 🙂

  • In the past six months I have finalized my divorce, gotten Narkles the Clown out of my house, repainted several parts of said house, upgraded the 1953 electrical work, gotten bathroom number two functional for my children, installed drywall and a sink in the half bath allowing said children to share only a shower and save my sanity in the process, gotten a new AC unit installed (does overcoming an unplanned disaster count for mighty? I think it does), gotten one of the kids to the next level in their activities, started dating, maintained No Contact (self high five), worked hard, and had lunch with some friends because they are my friends and I need to support them as much as they have supported me in the past 9 months.

  • Two months after the cat was out of the bag I applied to graduate school to be one a therapist…… And got in. Moved to a cute little apartment, and have been taking care of me. Divorce was finalized seven months ago. Oh and I just joined weight watchers to get rid of the last baggage

  • Got debt free (mostly her credit card debt (on my cards!) and medical bills she wasn’t organized enough to bother telling me about). Massively increased my 401K contributions per paycheck, and paying an extra $500 per month on mortgage principal reduction.

    Dang, that woman could spend money. All that, and even with $400 per month on daycare, I still come out ahead!

    • HeatDeath, I too found it amazing how much money I have without Saddam spending it. WTF did he spend $3K a month on for years? I dunno, I don’t want to know!

  • I left the snake with days of discovering the relationship with his Clueless Twatwaffle. However, I didn’t find it necessary to tell him I know about her. Discussing it would have just meant more emotional abuse and gaslighting, so fuck that noise. I just made my plans and escaped.

    I filed for divorce. He’s been obstructing and stalling, but I’m winning and he’s just making himself look like the snake he is to the judge. I believe he was planning to divorce, but in a different state. I beat him to the punch, and will get a better financial settlement as a result.

    I’m remaining patient in the wake of the snake’s bullshit legal shenanigans, and not breaking NC to beg him to behave like a reasonable adult, because I know he’s a kibble-seeking asshole.

    I’ve drawn a firm boundary with a toxic relative – his advice is not welcome on this matter.

    I heard the snake and the Clueless Twatwaffle were meeting about 5 minutes from my new house. I resisted the temptation to stalk, spy, harass, or cause a scene. No kibbles for them, and I don’t need to see that shit.

    Sure, I’m stuck in legal limbo a little while longer while he farts around in court, but I’m moving on with my life and seeking Meh.

    • Wish I could say that everything is wonderful in my life. I struggle financially every day and I fear that I will be a forever lonely woman with only her 2 parakeets to keep her company. I did exert one measure of control however. I started the Whole30 diet program over 7 months ago. I have lost 40 pounds eating clean and faithfully hitting the gym. I am looking good in my clothes and feel much more healthy. My two kids ages 20 and 16 opted to spend their entire Christmas Break with me and not the Asshole living in California. That felt good. The kids see me struggle. Their Dad spends money on them BUT it is their MOM who they want to be with on Christmas. I feel good about that.

      • You rock mom! And i wouldnt trade one of my three dogs in for anyone. Better to be happy by yourself with your pretty parrots then stay pne moment with someone who doesnt appreciate you. Asswipe wants one or two of my dogs. Over my dead body!!!!!!!

  • The months of my daughter picking up off the floor in a crying heap are long gone. Afraid I wasn’t very mighty when the rug was pulled out from underneath. Got my shit together, got a pit bull attorney, got a decent settlement. Took the kids camping across the country this summer even though I had never camped before. We did it! Pitched the tent and everything. Lost 25 pounds and go to the gym and meditate. Started working part time as a physician while I complete a Retraining course so that I can enter back into primary care without killing anyone. Found a fabulous house for rent and its mine mine mine to decorate. Sold the antique Swedish crap. Took up skeet shooting… you never know when that skill might be handy. Got a neck lift. Got a hot boyfriend and having the best sex of my life even though I am 56! Who knew???? Learning to love again which is hard but forces me to examine and reexamine what I want in this new life. We live in different cities so thats great for now. Brought my daughter a car and getting both kids ready for college. Found them both good counselors to deal with having a loser dad that is incapable of love…. sigh. Taking Asshat back to court on his dime. Know no one where I live now so joined some meet ups and making friends and getting out. Thinking of starting a divorce support group next which scares me a bit but there isn’t one in our city. Continuing to figure out what I want and who I am after that 17 year travesty in which I let my soul slowly die. Its a work in progress. Best part is coming home to MY place. Not much furniture but its so calm and I don’t have to worry about living up to his standards and do his bidding anymore. So so so much better. F4cking asshat selfish prick.

    Newbies…. it sssllllloooowwwwllllyyyyy gets better. One step in front of the other. Two steps forward one back or sometimes one and a half. It does get better.

    • Wow, you’re an inspiration, specially that part about the great sex! I hope we can all be so lucky!

    • I kept all exes guns including a high power rifle. Asswipe was trained as a sniper in the military and he taught me to shoot. I love target practice and skeet shooting too. The skeets are guess whos head and whores head too. Harmless fun to blow off steam right? I like the challenge and it hurts noone but trashing those clay piegions are great!

    • Yes! Great sex with new (chump) boyfriend… who knew?! Guess I’m not the cold fish ex accused me of being. I’m also doing the “different cities” thing and it so, so perfect right now. Time to get my head on straight, concentrate on my new life and my kids, and really get to know this wonderful man. Building a fulfilling relationship with the non-disordered has its own learning curve! LOL.

  • I can’t even begin to tell you how this experience profoundly changed me. I always thought that because of my nightmarish childhood, one day I’d find someone to fix me. If I could just be loved for once, the pain would go away, the wound would fill.

    The greatest gift of this abandonment is that if forced me through my family of Origin mess rather than around it. The clarity of No Contact forced me to see my place, for better or worse in ALL my relationships. And while I WAS a lovely wife and I did not deserve to be cheated on, it’s okay to see my mistakes in the light of day and do better with everyone around me. Ironically, some now like me less. Fuck them. I’m not their fool any more.

    The immense pain of facing why I let a Narc take over my like and destroy it in three short years made me a better person. I need my job. I need my pets. I need a few good friends. I need my children. Everything else is a want. Knowing the difference has made me strong and whole.

    Dating like a sane person hasn’t brought me a knight, but at least three good platonic friends. But a partnership? That’s going to be earned next time, not given. I’ve lost enough.

    I could tick off the milestones, like good vacations, work achievements, etc, but what means the most to me is that for the first time in 45 years, I like myself. I believe I have value, and the right to say yes or no. I have faith in my own decisions, and don’t squirm over others’ reactions. Infidelity may have gutted me, but I’m like a stylish old vintage townhouse- rebuilt and made whole!

    • Luziana – congratulations on coming out the other side of what was surely a grueling recovery. I feel ya.

    • Hi Luziana- yep I realised I’d ended up with XH because of FOO stuff. Now I’m divorced and both parents have gone so I am looking at what I have learnt too. The key lesson is I don’t need someone to complete me- I’m OK as I am- just as you are!

  • Have been reading CL for a year now, but never commented. I thought this would be the best topic to start with because I am mighty!! Since my children (including a three month old baby at the time) and I were abandoned by the Garbage Man so he could be with the OW, I have been promoted at work, bought my own car, and gone back to school amongst a million other “little” things that are huge to me!

      • Thank you! It’s nice to know I’m not alone (although distressing that these same terrible things happen to so many others) and the laughter I’ve found here has been therapeutic in and of itself!

  • I’m mighty because I walked away and built a good life for myself.

    After years of his silent treatments and the “push/pull” tactic that is so common in abusive relationships, I left and went no contact. He freaked out but, despite another 3 years of attempts to contact me, I never ever respond. He spent years rejecting me, making me do the Pick Me Dance and making it clear he thought he was God.

    So I admit, the fact that I rejected him and walked is pretty delicious. You didn’t want to prioritize me? Fine, I’ll prioritize myself. I had to also walk away from all our mutual friends who enabled his abuse. I started over with nothing.

    Now I have amazing friends, mentors who are high up in my industry, and a great life. I’m currently job hunting and have had a dozen coffee dates in the last 3 weeks, and every single person said, “I know someone who’s hiring” or “I know someone you should talk to.” It’s great having a dozen people with their feelers out looking for me. I’m being invited to apply to high level roles with a lot of responsibility and a big payday, and I’ve also got a lead on an apartment in a city that’s my dream place to live. It’s expensive but I’ll be able to easily afford it with the job move.

    Last I checked, my narcissistic ex (who was older than me!) was still working associate level roles. He’s well into his thirties and his job history was crap. Interestingly, he always insisted I was stupid and would never get anywhere in life. Guess I had the last laugh. Living well truly is the best revenge.

  • I successfully fought back against STBX’s attempts at parental alienation and gaslighting with our youngest, a teenager whose say in where he prefers to live can influence placement orders. Although I was terrified that STBX’s Courtship of Eddie’s Father act would succeed, I remained calm and resolute, held the faith that the bond I have with our son would carry us through, and withstood a year of STBX’s efforts to gain full placement.

    Now that the placement order I fought for has finally been signed, my son often spends more than his allotted time at my house and has reconnected with me in ways that I could only have hoped for a year ago. We enjoy dinners together, watching funny videos, debating politics, and just hanging out putzing around the house. When his older brothers were home for the holidays, they joined us for dinners, game nights, and overnights together, and my house is now as much of a home to them as the “family home” STBX continues to live in because it’s owned by his business.

    While the final outcome remains to be seen, I am applying the same calm, slow, and steady strategy to holding out against his ridiculously low-ball and insulting offers on maintenance and allocation of assets. Recently I pored through years worth of financial statements that required multiple excavations from dormant accounts that are no longer accessible online to uncover solid evidence against STBX’s claim of full ownership of one of our major assets.

    Although it was painful at times, I also went through every single email and text exchange between the two of us and found multiple instances of STBX unintentionally admitting, in his own words, that the account in which these asserts are held did not, in fact, pre-date our marriage and had never been segregated. My attorney told me that a forensic accountant could not have done a better job and he is very pleased with the results. That left me feeling mighty indeed!

    Many thanks to CL and to everyone posting on this inspiring thread–CN has been such an amazing source of support, wisdom, and much-needed ass kicking during my lowest points, I can’t even begin to thank you all enough.

  • Well, mightiness comes in many forms. At around the time of the great D-day fiasco in 2013, my parents’ health deteriorated. I wasn’t yet plugged into Chump Lady but I realised enough was enough and moved 300 miles away from the XH to be near my parents. My mum had dementia and had to be admitted to a care home. She died in July 2014. My dad continued to deteriorate and died October last year. Alongside this, as many with elderly parents will know, came multiple hospital admissions and legal stuff – like power of attorney etc., probate. And of course the emotional ups and downs of dealing with this.

    Early in 2014 I found CL so I started divorce proceedings. The divorce was finalised just after my mum died. XH was, as mentioned yesterday, a thwarter. I kept no contact. In the middle of this I went back to college and qualified as a teaching assistant.

    Apart from simply having to get on with things (I’m an only child) I knew having dealt with and got away from the XH’s dramas I was capable of dealing with whatever came next. I wont lie and say it’s been easy- grief is horrid and I miss my dad terribly, but I know it will get better. Really, once your energy is no longer on the cheater in your life, you can do anything.

    • Wow, Mikky, having been through a similar experience, I am in awe of your mightiness. I am also an only child and I know how incredibly difficult it can be managing all of the care decisions, power-of-attorney, and estate issues on your own.

      I wasn’t able to handle it all at once and ended up postponing the separation and divorce until after my Dad passed away, after a long illness, multiple stints in the ICU, followed by hospice, and many years living with dementia prior to that.

      In hindsight, it is one of my regrets because of course STBX used it as an opportunity to polish his nice guy persona for the staff at my Dad’s residence and later for my Dad’s friends at his memorial service. At least by then I was starting to find my inner mightiness and took it upon myself to quietly tell the real story and undermine his efforts to look like the ever-supportive husband.

      My heart goes out to you–I’m still more than two years out and find myself triggered by the most unexpected things, but it does get better with time. And I do take solace in the fact that both of my parents would have been supporting and encouraging me (and in the case of my Mom, who passed away a number of years before my Dad, egging me on 🙂 ) I am sure that your parents would be very proud of all you’ve accomplished under such trying circumstances.

      • Thank you Other Kat. Well I obviously wouldn’t have planned it this way but as you know from your experience, you don’t get to control any of it. In some ways the XH’s actions meant I didn’t have to deal with him as well as everything else. I have had a few close friends for support and have taken up my doctor’s suggestion of bereavement counselling. It’s another thing we learn at CL- to get the help we need.

  • My divorce became final on Jan 20th 2015. Since he left in Dec. 2014, I have taken care of my four kids, gotten a job, and made some friends. I hog the bed, watch what I want on t.v. and make dinner when I want too. (or I don’t make it at all!) I have learned to change the brake light in my car, fix the sink, and change my windshield wipers. I also qualified for a mortgage on my house BY MYSELF so I can keep it! Most importantly, I feel lighter and happier, and what I thought was the end of my life has actually become a new begining….

  • I am mighty because I have finally realized that I was mighty all along. Long before being unceremoniously dumped and having my family split apart my cheating ex, I loved my family. I was a good, responsible, loving, and kind husband. I always tried my best to do “the right thing,” to feel compassion for others and to stay true to my morals. And you know what? I haven’t abandoned any of those qualities; the only difference is that there is one person who is no longer exploiting them. It is such a shame that the selfishness of one person can make you doubt who you are and your worth as a human being. I’m coming up to a year and a half since my ex decided to embark on “her journey,” and in spite of the anxiety attacks that still cripple me some days, I am slowly coming out of the fog she left me floundering in.

    Before we split, she said “I feel that you’re not my soulmate.” Right. This is why she was already screwing around with anybody and everybody who was willing. And since then, her search for a soul mate has intensified to include many more friends, boyfriends of friends, husbands of friends, neighbours, work colleagues, construction contractors, university students…Interesting how many people one has to screw to find a soulmate these days, huh? Her crowning achievement (current boyfriend) so far has been a sex-addicted unemployed mechanic on disability (conveniently on a prescription for medical marijuana). Sometimes, It still bothers me that I was discarded for that.

    But then, I look at what I’ve got. I got out with my integrity intact. Integrity is something I greatly value, and I know that when I die, many people will miss me, not only for my accomplishments, but for the type of person I was. For months, I was convinced that there was something wrong with me – that I wasn’t interesting enough, good looking enough, smart enough, tall enough…whatever.

    Then I look at the reality – she left a good, caring, responsible, hard-working, husband (and parent) with a Ph.D., a good salary and a successful career, for a life of screwing a series of pothead scumballs for kicks. Yeah. Something’s wrong with somebody, but that somebody ain’t me. The very year I was discarded, I won awards in teaching, both at my university and on a national level. She is a teacher too. She has two university degrees (in humanities) and a teaching certificate, and she can’t find a full-time job. She relies on spousal and child support that I have to provide. Right. There’s something to base self-worth on.

    Thank you, Chump Lady for posting this. It gave me a good kick in the ass to realize that I really am awesome (I have never thought that before because I never wanted to come across as a braggart). I’ve been awesome IN SPITE OF someone who is truly crazy; a parasite who fed on my awesomeness until there was barely any left. Guess what, bitch? I’m baaaaaasck.

    • Welcome baaaaack. 😉

      (Hey, I edited your post to just the first name. Watching out for your anonymity. )

    • You are awesome! We chumps may have wome issues but nothing to cause us to cheat. I have my integrity and self respect intact! I know i bitch about guy cheaters but i know women suck too as cheaters. What ever gender he chumped we are all here for you! Chump nation saved my sanity and my life. We need a movement!!!!!!

    • Sad story on what happened to you Cameron but great story on your always present character!!

      These cheaters are super delusional with all this “soulmate” and “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” type of rubbish. As you know they chase that instant gratification feeling (“in love”) but they just don’t get that – the feeling of “in love” dissipates in time. They don’t know how to transition from “in love” to a loving relationship. So when they use that “soulmate” or “ILYBINILWY” bullshit, they have no clue what the fuck they are talking about because that is not what marriage or true love is about. When that feeling goes, they go. Immature inept turds they all are!

      My gosh just saying “in love” and “soulmate” so many times in this paragraph is about to make me puke! LOL Good luck cameron

      • Cameron
        The Limited attached himself to a druggie, classless, grotesque woman who does not work, is mentally ill, has a lengthy arrest record and truthfully, its where he belongs. I dwelled on this for a while and had to let it go. Its laughable now. He is with what he called his Dream Girl.
        Loved your post.

  • I so needed this today…..a reminder that I’m mighty. I broke no contact with my ex yesterday and got sucked into the crazy…..not feeling so hot. Let’s just say in trying to make a disordered asshole “hear me” I ended up in a screaming match with him and was told I was “pathetic” by his affair partner that he left me for…..a new low. Since he always texts I figured a call meant a 911 quality emergency…..it was just him pushing buttons and chaos ensued. I took the bait and became a kibble dispenser with a jet engine hooked to it…..reacted to all of it.
    Today I am back!!!! I needed to recap my year to feel better. I divorced after multiple d days…..the last one was when he rekindled with mistress #2 15 years later…….yep again, and then left me on New Year’s Eve 2014.
    I have a son who just got his bachelors and is handsome and loving, a daughter who’s about to graduate high school in May and who is beautiful and a joy . I got the house, alimony x10 years, a better relationship with my kids as if that were possible. ( they too choose no contact with him) 401k,half hid damn pension till he dies, life insurance on him , I lost 80 pounds, met an amazing great boyfriend who is also a chump and loves me for me, 2 puppies and peace……a non eggshell walking, I’m good enough, I’m happy and healthy, no more crazy LIFE!!!!!!
    Couldn’t of done it without you chump lady…..you saved me. I look for your post before I even turn on my coffee pot in the morning, I’m strong and healthy but this is an ongoing battle…..this week I’m a shitty, brainwashing, poisoning mother. I’m back on the NC wagon today and feeling better than ever.
    Thanks chump nation…..you are my rocks!

    • I wouldn’t worry about his AP calling you that disgusting word – SHE is the pathetic one for having to troll for guys who were clearly taken. She’s got some serious screws loose if she thinks that is a satisfying relationship. Real fucking awesome, NOT.
      If you ever have to deal with that whore again, you just have to say ‘I don’t talk to people who’s life’s ambition is to suck a watermelon through a hose.’

  • In the last year, I have:
    – Landed the job of my dreams in one of the most beautiful parts of the country;
    – Moved 500 miles away from my family and support with my preschool-age son to a new community where I didn’t know anyone;
    – Kicked butt at work and scored the biggest grant my program has ever received, and launched a new program that’s getting the attention of our regional leadership;
    – Re-negotiated the sale of my house to prevent a major legal ordeal;
    – Used the proceeds from the sale of my house to pay off 100% of my student loan debt;
    – Filed for divorce;
    – Stood my ground and my ex has become more and more controlling and demanding;
    – Stopped being in love with my ex and have arrived at the gates of Meh;
    – Made a new friend in the OW’s awesome ex-husband (shout out, JC!), who sped my journey to Meh;
    – Met a man (and fellow chump) I like enough to keep seeing;
    – Succeeded in putting snow chains on my car by myself and removing them on the side of the road!

    In the next year, I will:
    – Take my son camping by myself;
    – Finalize my divorce;
    – Learn to cross country ski;
    – Take a vacation;
    – Finish painting my house;
    – And just maybe, fall in love. 🙂

  • I just love reading these. Such a mighty group of people!

    Big accomplishment for me was not responding to my kids sperm donor on his latest rage of how I “don’t give a rat’s a** about what is going on with his life,” and how he resents that our kids are closer to me than to him. Bwahahaha.

    By being frugal, and talking to a financial planner, I was able to purchase a small vacation home, on a small lake, where my 89 year old Dad and I can go to enjoy our favorite past time of kayaking. All while allowing my mother, who has dementia,to sit on the dock and watch us. I changed the whole interior design by myself, and was asked if I would consider designing other vacation homes in the area.

    Picked up my long forgotten passion of refinishing furniture, and have actually sold several pieces.

    Have, happily, reconnected with my brothers, and was asked to join them to sail part of the Caribbean chain, which I just returned from. So much fun!

    Have stopped trying to “fix” my alcoholic sister, and walk away/go NC, when the rage is directed at me. The best part is that I am actually OK with my decision to stop being around her.

    Have joined an all women’s shooting group and am seriously considering becoming a female small arms instructor.

    Still working on my private pilot’s license-taking longer than anticipated because there is so much fun stuff to do.

    Volunteering with a non-profit that flies in kids from rural areas for much needed medical attention at the University Hospital where I live. I am a retired pediatric nurse.

    Helping my elderly parents continue to be able to live in their home by cleaning, preparing meals, yard work, etc.

    Happily dating a high school/college friend that has introduced me to so many new experiences. I have done more/met more people, in the past 2 years than I did in 28 years of marriage.

    Have accepted that my Ex’s family, which I was part of for 30 years, have all (except 1 aunt) turned their back on me.

    Life is good!

    In 2016 I hope to get back to my fighting weight and strength. 3 years of false R took it out of me. At 58 years of age, it is a struggle, but I now know I can do just about anything.

    Thanks CN!!

  • I have rebuilt relationships that X had driven a wedge between and made several new (chump!) friends. I got myself out of debt, started a podcast with my sisters and am getting ready to launch a new website at work. CL & CN have been a huge support to me. Love and healing to each of you. It DOES get better!

  • I made my first post last night, after 1.5 years of reading CL. This blog and the amazing people who post here really helped me put some final pieces together in the larger puzzle of my life. All of you, Tracy, CN, you are really amazing.

    I left my cheater ex-boyfriend/partner (not married, thank god) almost four years ago. I have come a very long way in mightiness.

    First, fired toxic therapist before leaving ex. She was a deluded, toxic, and narcissistic fraud who spent a lot of time on her agenda. She has a Ph.D, it is a useless credential attracting people to her bullshit practice. May she rot in hell for wasting my time and money and further traumatizing me.

    I left Voldemort. After practicing 3.5 years of no contact, (2.5 perfect, uninterrupted years, GO ME!!!), I have partial residence in the land of Meh. I found out later that he and OW took up life together as swingers, by running into their online profiles on OkCupid. I did not sign up for online dating on that site. However, if anyone wants verification that the Dan Savage model of non-monogamous relationships is a crock, they were living examples. I think the Karma bus hit them, but I wasn’t watching.

    After trying and failing at a number of jobs, and finding I am virulently allergic and highly intolerant of what I now understand as narcissism and personality or character disordered types, I have stopped beating myself up. I have learned more from some of my failures trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps than my successes. Its like engineering your life. If you do this, things collapse. Don’t do that in the future. Better materials (healthy relationships) may be harder to find, but are worth every penny that you invest in them.

    I established my own life in a one bedroom apartment for 3.5 years. I have paid on my debt,and am financially much more solvent. I am incredibly proud of the improvement I made to my credit. I do not have much money, but I manage what I have very well.

    Had two great therapeutic relationships, healed my PTSD, and still use the skills I learned from therapists trained in trauma.

    I re-established a career as a chef. I am working towards running my own cafe. In the meantime, I have earned the respect of people that I respect. My field is also a snakepit of narcissists and addicts (they look and act the same, but are not quite the same thing, according to an excellent therapist I saw after the Toxic Fraud). Its like bootcamp for setting boundaries, navigating professional politics filled with landmines, and practicing the fine art of personal integrity while working the line during the rush. CN and CL helped me mentally toughen up during one of my most challenging years professionally.

    I also have two small side businesses. I have now had a small cleaning business for four years. I have built some really loyal and lovely clients who deeply appreciate the work I do. I even housesit for one of them. I also have a small handcrafts business, making lovely handknitted and handcrocheted goods. I spoke with a banker, and have an appointment to take it from hobbyist, to tiny business. I picked up what might be a consistent wholesale account a few weeks ago.

    I wish I could tell you that I have a successful partner, but dating has eluded me. I am ready to find a lovely partner and enjoy the fruits of my growth. I can say that I truly love myself and after four years alone, I feel ready for a worthy partner. For a while, all I attracted were crappy people, so I stopped dating. It was great to be single, and perhaps at 35, I am going to finally find the love of my life.

    Friendships,well I have gained some great friends and lost some crappy ones. It hurts to be rejected, or ghosted, but the long view is that when someone leaves your life, they make room for something new (after you grieve…or maybe you don’t need to).

    Be mighty, newbies! CN and CL will tell you the brass tacks honest to god truth. As someone who works with a seven inch piece of sharp steel for a living, the safest knife to work with is a SHARP KNIFE. CL is the whetstone of truth who delivers razor sharp insight. I sharpen my own insight here daily alongside the amazing human beings who are all walking their own journeys of liberation.

    When I have my own place, the dessert menu is going to the titled “Pie, Bitches.” (Thanks, Luziana).

  • I still feel mighty for having a c-section on my own last year (I’ll be damned if I was going to call the fucktard at his girlfriends!), raising two kids and taking care of the house in addition to working full time I’ve tried to be as NC as possible, but that gets him wanting to pursue joint counseling for coparenting (i.e., kibbles). I’ve been a parent. I don’t have to be his crutch anymore!

    • Qwerty–that is mighty! I hope you had support during, before, & after birth (it goes without saying that any help would have been of higher quality than fucktard’s help).

  • 27 years of marriage and 7 months from D-Day. Since then I’ve taken a trip to NYC during the Christmas Season and the Caribbean for New Years. Today I walked into the cashier’s office of the hospital I work and was greeted with warmth from workers I’ve known for years. One woman told me I looked great and asked me if I’ve lost weight or something. I looked at her, smiled, and said I lost 220 pounds. She looked puzzled because I’ve never been heavy. I held up my left hand, tapped my bare ring finger and we laughed and laughed.

      • It’s amazing how good it feels! You can also use, “I found the cure to my cancer ….it’s called divorce.”

  • Does the Cosmo article have over 2 million likes? Did I read that right? Is CL’s mighty showing?

    HGTV is on as I write this. I hear ‘Walnut Creek’ (home of dear aunt), followed by prospective buyer’s comment, “There are no unicorns here.” Come on! That’s too funny not to share.

    The year cheater left, son was earning Cs and Ds. The year after, he rocked the honor roll. This year, the Distinguished Honor Roll (how many levels are there?). Not my accomplishment, but I will accept on behalf of. I did fill him with paleo meals and non GMO food, tho. That counts. If you’ve ever done it, you’ll agree.

  • The mightiness has come to me in small increments. It has been 16 months since DDay and 5 months since I divorced a man who looks for others and materialism to fill the dark, empty void inside of himself. Being a single mother again and knowing that my son won’t have to hear a step-father yell at him or demean him again is the blessing here. It has taken me months to realize that my son and I will be fine and we have been blessed in numerous ways. I started a new job 2 months after DDay, began taking Masters degree classes the month before my divorce was finalized and knew that I could do it all without the cheater. I have a 16-year-old son that needs a strong mother to show him that it is going to be OK. I feel mightier and mightier every day for he and I take care of OUR house, OUR dog, OUR yard, OUR chores and we DO NOT miss the man whom we thought truly loved us. I resent the selfish and disordered cheater for many reasons but his treatment of my son is becoming the seed of anger that is difficult for me to cast aside. It has gotten easier and easier and seeing my son happy and engaged again is the focus that has kept me moving forward. Every day is a new day and another day without the projection, gas lighting, lying and manipulation is SO invigorating. I look forward to continuing the healing process and showing myself that I don’t need someone to complete me. I complete myself by being mighty. CL and CN have helped me feel mighty again and thank you all for helping me see that I am not alone.

  • The mighty-ness check-ins are my favorite in the CL archives. The stories of triumph, big and small, are a joy to read and offer so much hope.

    Several of you mentioned how great it felt to buy that first new car on your own. I know that feeling well. After I paid off that car loan, my credit rating shot up. I was so proud of myself, after so many years of being broke and thinking I’ll always, always be poor.

    Thanks, CL, for being you and for being here for all of us. I hope you’ll have great fun creating that coloring book. Just do it! Love you, love the Chump Nation.

  • I gained a new prospective, too. STBX disconnected my phone. I no longer go into a tailspin. I see immediately that form of control is gone, and begin gathering documents for various gov’t agencies curious about his unique accounting practices.

  • What is my mightiness – the fact that I am still breathing. 1 1/2 years out from my divorce from my porn addicted, prostitute visiting ex and my mother has died 6 months ago , I have had two major MS relapses for which I have had to learn to walk and climb stairs again – which I have! And devastatingly my beloved precious cat was hit by a car and killed recently. How do I pick myself up off the floor after each tragedy and make dinner for my kids – it’s anybody’s guess. But I reckon I am pretty mighty!

    • Good grief, Free, you reckon right! I’m going to borrow from Tempest, You Put the M in Mighty!

    • Free, you are really mighty. You are putting one foot in front of another, crossing out of a dark place. Someday, you will be able to turn around and look back, and see your journey from the mountain top. It is very brave to just keep going one step at a time.

  • I found the most amazing community ever (CN), which is what puts the M in ‘mighty’ for me. And I’m almost…just almost to the point where I can roll my eyes at Hannibal Lecher’s antics rather than let him bother me.

    • Tempest, I want to be like you when I grow up. Hannibal Lechter will lie on his deathbed, and rue his idiotic choices to toss aside a wonderful, vibrant, caring, and intelligent woman such as yourself. When you are ready, I believe you will find a rare and beautiful kind of love, and it will wipe away the pain of sharing yourself emotionally and sexually with something that fed on you like a vampire for years.

      My days as a non-traditional undergrad are over, but academia is the cesspool of patriarchal sexual privilege and predators you describe. Many profs love to hone in on young graduate students because they are locked into their programs for a period of time and they invested huge amounts of energy into applications and funding processes. Graduate students don’t want to have stains on their academic pedigrees for future fellowships, or jeopardize hiring into entry level professorships by reporting sexual harassment in their graduate careers, This leaves predators a field of opportunity without meaningful consequences. In the department that I worked in, I can think of at least one prof rumored to be exchanging sexual favors for better exam grades than were earned. I heard the young undergrad bragging about it in a cafeteria line.

      I think you are mighty for your journey leaving your sparkly turd cheater, but also for speaking up to a wider forum about the underside of sexual power politics in academia. You are very brave!

      • You’re right on ChefBella to aspire to a Tempest style of a chump! She truly is radiant n beautiful not just from the uplifters throughout CN but in person!

        I recall reading the last go-around of how mighty we all are and tearing up for the tiny things that make us mighty along with hard, fought for hurdles that also give us the crown of mightiness. Today, I felt tearless till your comments!

        Now, to pull out my 2015 calendar to check my mightiness!

    • Fantastic! Wow, what a great story. I’m going to share it with my son. I’ll to make sure he knows who J.D. is first. Thank you.

    • Thank you Alliswell!! I have just shared it to the private Facebook group for young women with breast cancer here in the UK. What a great story. A mighty woman indeed!!!!

      • Love it! Sometimes help comes from where you least expect it. And the BRCA1 test has saved heaps and loads of lives.

  • Mighty for me? I’m officially at the 6 month post-divorce date today! I haven’t had an anxiety attack in all of those months. I’m signed up for a quilting class which starts next week. I’ve managed to maintain the house (which is now mine) and make some of the repairs that he put off for years. My entire family and their kids have all been to visit me at various times and I have never had to wonder why my spouse wasn’t there to visit or what he was doing. I’ve stripped wallpaper that I’ve wanted gone for years and I’m getting my walls ready to paint. BTW, I would love the coloring book!

  • I took another step on my own– after researching and asking around, I got rid of my very old car and just leased a new one. This was the sort of thing I always let my ex handle, so it felt pretty good to drive the car out of the lot after handling all of the logistics on my own.

    I also feel mighty because I’ve been single ever since I ended it with my ex (over four years ago) and have not gone out on one date. While that probably doesn’t sound mighty, it is to me! It has taught me so much about who I really am– I am capable of being on my own and taking care of my three kids/house on my own, and I don’t “need” to be with someone. If I ever go out on that first date, I will be doing it just for fun, not because I’m desperate for a partner because I don’t like being lonely. I really don’t feel lonely. I feel pretty damn mighty! 🙂

  • Kicked her lying cheater ass out only to have her move next door and keep stalking me! But I forged on. Kept working through things with my awesome counsellor. Explained my situation to work and arranged to get posted to my home state at the end of 2015. Kept the pressure on her through my lawyers to sign the Consent Orders. After numerous incidents (despite trying to stay No Contact) I didn’t feel safe in the house with the crazy ex next door so went to my bosses, applied for Long Service Leave and an early removal! Got myself out of there in two weeks. Ex didn’t realise what was happening (she hit the roof at work and went on stress leave when she did).
    So moved interstate to a house I’d bought when I knew I was getting posted. Lovely big place with so much room for the dogs. Back in my home town with lots of family and friends around. Right near the beach for the dogs. Missed being here so much. Had a great 3 months off on Long Service Leave doing things I wanted to do. Finished up with counselling. Back at work in my new job and enjoying it. Also met a nice girl (fellow chump). Consent Orders came through Thursday! I keep all my hard earned assets and she keeps all her debt! Win!

  • Mightiness is coming in bits and pieces. I acted as the contractor for a major renovation in my home, I learned how to operate a BBQ (propane and other flammables scare me) and a snow blower, I adopted a new dog, I have taken control of my finances and don’t have to wonder where all the money is going, I have some peace and serenity in my life (no pick me dancing), I have eliminated Switzerland friends and discovered new friends, I have travelled – locally and internationally – with my kids, and I no longer want my ex in my life. The last one is probably the biggest achievement. For so long I wanted the person I married to miraculously re-appear and now I understand that it’s not going to happen. When I look at him (at child exchange times), I can only picture him with prostitutes, and it mostly just turns my stomach. Next up – finalize divorce and throw a party!

  • Thank you mighty CN and amazing CL for providing this invaluable source of chump inspiration!

    In the past 6 months, I have finalized my divorce, got new opportunities at work, found a great therapist/tutor combo for my munchkin, accepted help from friends, stayed NC with my X, and have taken an international trip on my own.

    I am far from Meh, but forging on.

  • I moved back to my hometown with my two boys, got my job back (that I now love), built my dream house and just got off the antidepressants I’ve been on for the past 11 years! Oh, and I’m planning a trip to Spain for next summer! Narc free life is so good!

  • Sitting here reading and shaking my head in wonder. Every damn one of you are so strong, so many mightiness stories bringing me to tears, making me nod in support, or simply gasping in awe at the strength, guts and wisdom.

    • Kelly, a very wise woman once told me that sometimes people have to reach all the way down to their toenails to pull up the strength they need, so DO IT! I did it and you can too. It’s been in you all along, you just need to grab that thing and pull it up. Good luck, my friend.

  • All of you are Totally MIGHTY!

    I’m an old timer compared to most of you; just happened upon this wonderful place a while back in my search to discover just what sort of shithead my cheating Fucktard ex was, in part for my own peace of mind and in part because my sweet SIL is in the process of divorcing his evil cheating twin. What I’ve learned here is priceless. I wish CL and CN had been around when all of this was new to me, but am so gratified that no chump needs to climb that mountain alone anymore.

    Just as you can trust that your cheater sucks, you can trust that things will get better without him or her standing on your spirit and kicking it around. It may take a while to leave denial and spackle behind, and another while to clearly assess the situation and chart your course, but in the end it is YOUR course, and every milestone is another feather in your cap of mightiness. There will be a moment when it occurs to you that your life is yours alone to guide and your well being is important. Your priorities count. Your decisions do not depend on accommodating someone’s whims, but on your own evaluations. That is a good day. There will be many more good days as you heal. Then there will be great days. Fun times. Peace and tranquility. That chump who was stomped thin and flat and treated like a doormat will fill out and find new dimensions of his or her self. Maybe basically the same self he or she was before being mistreated, or maybe something a bit different and more complex. In any case, that reclaimed self is Mighty!

    I am now a good ways out from where most of you are now. I enjoyed being single for 8 years, Not lonely, but the sole captain of my life’s ship. I moved away from the Fucktard, got my career back in gear, and then started a new career. Eventually, I was convinced to meet an old friend of an old friend. I took it slow, but we’ve been married five years now and are slowly fixing our first home bought together, which is a labor of love and probably the most astounding house either of us has ever seen. Not too big, but a really really interesting masterpiece of architecture. What resonates throughout CN is the need to reclaim their lives by retaking or finding a proper home, and I’ll readily admit to that. Putting down roots is key, be they in a home or a community or an occupation. Or in better connections with their kids.

    Hugs to all! Everything I read here tells me that all of you are doing the right stuff. Have faith that it will serve you well.

    • Great encouragement Survivor! Someone once posted here describing freedom as “no drag on my sails”. I like that visual!!

    • Great encouragement Survivor! Someone once posted describing freedom as ” no drag on my sails.” I like this visual!!

  • In my final semester of graduate school and student teaching in a level IV EBD program in an urban elementary school. I graduate in May – M.Ed./Sped. 6 years sober on my own. Love my home, my 12-year old son and have healthy boundaries with his mom. She married her AP, but I know more than ever that nothing about them has ever been about me. I… Am about me… Chump on!

  • Since dday #3 (Mar 15) 4 days later I quit 20 yr smoking habit cold turkey, divorce final Oct 15, now have my 2 teenage girls with me the vast majority of the time, currently waiting on a decision for a promotion at work. I discovered CL in Aug or September and would like to thank everyone for the support and for sharing all the good and bad. This shit is super hard to trudge through this site helps me alot…you are all pretty damn awesome….I want to wish everyone a great 2016!!!!! One of my resolutions is to go on a date LOL….been a long time since i was single (15yrs)

    • Take your time j dub. Find yourself really well first and play with your friends who only wish you well first. Then you can take that good confident self of yours out on a date.

      • Yes I will definitely respect this advice and the promotion is ‘in the bag’…..good read on the confidence btw……

  • When my cheating father walked out on my mum and two sisters – I was in my final year of my university studies. We were almost left homeless because of non-paying of the mortgage of our house and the bank were going to re-possess it.
    I don’t think that any of the stuff since has been particularly mighty, but just basically stuff that needed to be done. Let’s see…

    Since then – graduated and landed a job, which in time actually ended up with me enforcing boundaries and leaving because it was a sick cesspool of covert narcissists and abusers (In fact, this was around the time when I started reading CL). Literally the day after I was about to throw in the towel – I got a phone call from my current job asking if I wanted to work for them. Must not do too badly at what I do, and must not be as shit at the job as my previous bosses said I was – because I’ve been offered two raises in 18 months. Its to the point where I’m financially stable enough to work only part time and still have the money needed for everything.

    Having travelled overseas multiple times – when the furthest I had been away from my home town was 3 hours driving distance. And said holidays being stress free.

    Being the coach for my nephew’s sporting team – and having the respect of the parents of the little guys that I’m teaching – for a sport I would have liked to do in my younger years, but could not because my father deemed it ‘too expensive’ (read: He couldn’t be arsed paying for it, while he could afford flowers and dates for his subcontinential whore). Seeing the little guys getting better and better every week makes me proud.

    Becoming conversationally fluent in a new language – in 6 months. Which kinda ties to my next point…

    Meeting a respectful, kind and beautiful-souled man who accepts myself exactly how I am, and isn’t a judgey piece of crap. Someone who I don’t have to walk on eggshells when expressing an opinion or even just saying things in general. Someone who I treat with the ultimate in respect, and someone who enriches my life in every possible way. The language learning thing came about, because I wanted to be able to communicate to his family in his native tongue, when the time comes – even though my partner says its not necessary. Its all about respect, though.

  • I CAN take care of my severely autistic adult son by myself and still get my work done. I CAN. Early days…

  • I’ve been thinking about ending a relationship since last Thanksgiving because I discovered texts my boyfriend exchanged with another woman. The texts went back to December 2014, when we started seeing each other. When I confronted him, he told me that “it was just fun, nothing happened, we’ve been friends for a long time.” When asked if he slept with her, he said “No! We’re just friends!” I have no physical proof that they did sleep together and he would die before admitting it.

    I so wanted to believe him because I love him so much; we had great sex for the most part and I’ve been wanting it more and more (hysterical bonding). I kept telling myself that I need to trust him; that I’ll drive him away and can’t get pass this if I keep asking him about this woman (no, you can’t meet her….me: “why not? If she’s a friend…” and the conversation just ends.

    I knew deep down something was amiss;. This relationship is not whole but had a bunch of holes. I started snooping, looked up his phone logs and saw that a woman he used to have sex with occasionally calls late at night — with convos lasting less than 2 minutes (hook-up arrangements no doubt); his browser history shows he’s been looking at Craigslist’s casual encounters; he brought condoms with him when he went on a trip to visit his family in another country.

    I started to panic and wondered if I would ever be able to save our relationship….after all, we were so compatible(!) I started being co-dependent.

    I finally woke up after going through the archives on ChumpLady.com. Friends don’t text, “I want to make u cum,” “I need a quick massage,” or “when can i see you at night.” I am amazed that he could have someone on the side since we work and run a business together, train in MMA together, and basically spend whole weekends together. I am even more amazed that I wanted to brainwash myself into trusting him. “When can I see you at night,” texts were sent when night fell on the weekdays.

    I discovered ChumpLady.com a week ago and learned so much. I admire the women that got over their cheating spouses. I wasn’t married to this man but considered him my life-long partner. He said we were exclusive and he was committed to me, and that if he ever wanted to get married, it would be with me. I’ve never been married myself.

    The encouragement I got from reading this blog gave me the courage I needed to break up with this sham of a boyfriend TODAY. No more trying to figure this out. I’ve learned about the pick me dance, gas lighting, spackling, kibbles; everything I read on this site helped me tremendously.

    CL, thank you. However painful this is, I do feel like I’m gaining a life. I’ve not been this sad since my mother passed over 2 years ago but reading the stories of remarkable women that came out strong from infidelity gives me hope…for myself.

    • Blooming- you got this! And seriously? MMA? He cheated on a woman who does MMA?!?! What an effi g idiot!! Does he not realize you could roundhouse kick him in the face? Has he never heard of Rhonda Rousey?!

      He doesn’t deserve the sweat off your gym shorts!

      • Thanks so much gepster. Yes, I’d love to go Ronda Rousey on his ass, but you’re right…he’s just not worth the sweat.

  • I was Mighty today because I moved my last car-load of STUFF (it was the heavy stuff, the furniture) to a storage unit before I move to my new apartment in a FUCKING BLIZZARD. My car got stuck in the parking lot of the storage place… no where NEAR the loading dock… I marched into the office, reminded them that part of my rental agreement was that they would PLOW the place- demanded a plow, then while I waited to get plowed out I carried all my shit in alone, by hand, in a blizzard. In the end, a cute young guy with a beard came and shoveled my car out. Totally worth it. 😉 I am mighty. My shit is in storage. I’m so close to outta here.

      • Nothing says Mighty like moving furniture in a blizzard. Hoping there is a photo to document that amazing feat.

        • I did take photos then I deleted them. Don’t leave a trail, you know. Except I’m on this blog so…. well….. I dunno.

    • CKoL, Almost there, almost there!! There is truly no better feeling than getting all your stuff back, into your own ship, and start captaining your life without the stench of a sparkly turd. I like that you got them to PLOW! Hehe… Way to go!!

  • CL, please consider hosting Camp Mighty, an event where former chumps can share experiences, try new challenging activities, and express their mightiness. I’m a Texas chump. I would love to help out.