Dear Chump Lady,
My husband cheated on me with some woman, but he won’t tell me who she is. I don’t know anything about her and he wants me to take his word for it that it’s over. It’s eating me up who she is and what she looks like. Maybe I met her and I didn’t know? She must know who I am. I’m sure they shared all sort of details about how I suck or what I do or don’t do in bed.
She’s prettier than me, isn’t she? God… this is killing me.
Signed,
My Thighs Are Fat
Dear Thighs,
I gotta tell you, this is a no win. If she’s a Victoria Secret underwear model with tits out to there and a stomach you could bounce quarters off of? Yes, you’ll think, crap, I can never compete with that. If she’s a drudge with a hairlip who wears scrunchies, it’s almost worse. You destroyed our marriage to screw THAT? Seriously? I mean, you can wrap your mind around the Victoria Secret underwear model. It’s horrific, but it’s oddly understandable, in a caddish, reptilian part of your brain sort of way. But Ms. Hair Scrunchie? No. You have to be kidding.
But here’s the thing — this isn’t a competition. Anyone who would cheat with a married person is a dog turd. Some dog turds look like dog turds and some dog turds are covered in sugar frosting with rainbow sprinkles. But at the end of the day — they’re still dog turds, with or without frosting. They smell like dog turds. Their essence is that of dog turd.
Same with affair partners. It doesn’t matter what they look like. Affairs are about how that person made the cheater FEEL. It’s about narcissism. If Ms. Hair Scrunchie made your husband feel like a super stud, who was never wrong, and never responsible for any of the shit decisions of his life? Ms. Hair Scrunchie IS the super model. Cheaters just want to see themselves reflected at three times their natural fabulousness. If it weren’t that little piece of narcissistic supply, it would be another. Dog turds are pretty interchangeable.
It’s not you and it’s not your thighs. The problem is your husband has no integrity. He isn’t telling you who she is because he wants to protect himself, her, and the affair. He values his secrecy more than he values your healing. What the other woman looks like is not the issue — your husband’s entitlement is the issue. He’s perpetuating a power dynamic — he keeps all the knowledge (and power), and you stay in the dark (so he can keep eating cake).
Oh, and if you despair of your chubby thighs? (Which puts you in company with 99.9 percent of other women…) Consider that many of us with thighs fatter than yours have relationships with men and women who adore and respect us. It’s not your thighs — he’s a fuckwit. Use those lovely, powerful legs and walk away from him.
This column ran previously. And happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I leave you with my favorite version of “Danny Boy” by Jackie Wilson.
Yep, it is not your thighs. It is HIS lack of character that is the issue. Cannot solve that problem, which is external to you, by looking internally at yourself. Not about you…it is his junk that he needs to fix himself.
Amen to that! I know it took me a long time to believe it, but it really is true. You can’t fix this by being “better”. The problem isn’t that you need to be better wife, it’s that HE needs to be a better husband. Right now, your husband has an amazing wife that is worried about whether she is pretty enough for him. Honey, you are TOO pretty for him and TOO good for him. He’s not beautiful enough inside for YOU.
p.s. Chump Lady, I love you, but seriously, you hurt my scrunchie’s feelings when you made a negative comment about scrunchies. Really, I had to pull it out of my hair when I read that comment.
Not a single rainbow sprinkle to be seen. Just pounds and pounds of dog turd, which happens to be older than I am and poorly ageing dog turd at that.
If she’d been some hot little thing or elegant college professor, I could understand it somewhat. But *that*??? Knowing what I do about her both emotionally, physically (very poor intimate health among other things she was all too happy to share in so many ways) and the not ageing gracefully at all (apparently stuffed or burst sausage casing is The Look), it was and is the biggest slap in the face. My then twelve-year-old daughter was so shocked and said between sobs,”But you’re so much prettier and nicer!” Maybe that was the problem. Oh, and the smart thing. Apparently liking things like reading, learning, pushing myself to be more well rounded and not being content to just drift are huge turn-offs.
Ex even said she had “sort of gross saggy pancake boobs” and “kind of looks like a pile of mashed potatoes from her boobs to her knees”, so you really could have knocked me over with a feather when I learned what was going down. And then I wondered what in the blue fuck he’d say about me to her if he’d talk that way about “the love of his life.” to me.
And yeah, it isn’t about your looks. Supermodels and actresses are cheated on all the time, and they are supposed to be the beauty gold standard. It’s just because the assholes can, so they do.
Yep cakeless!
Eva, Elin, Sandra, Sienna, Jennifer, Elizabeth, Denise, Halle, Sophia, Uma, Christie, Robert, Seal, Guy, Quaid……shall I continue?…….
No! (answered my own ?)
We should get the point……ITS NOT US……its that they have LOUSY/NO CHARACTER!!!
And doesn’t his description confirm that it isn’t looks that draw their attention but the smell of new kibbles?
. . . which turn out to be dog turds. The smell can’t be hidden for long.
Amen to that! Mythighsarefat please don’t worry about that! I did get to see a few of the pictures exchanges and realized this world is so warped. These people are not attractive that he was communicating with. im telling you. U g l y. So then I realized this world is just so twisted that he’s a part of and don’t worry about it. But yes. What chump lady said about “he messed up our marriage for this?” Goes through my head all the time. It’s absolutely insane. Keep your head up high. Your worth more than this and it’s not about you or your thighs. Stay strong!
I’ve said it before here. X went for a girl-child 40 yrs younger who is at the bottom of the food chain. Not about the thighs-about the opportunity.
Really think about it. If a woman was a Victoria Secret model, smart, kind, loyal, etc., she could have her pick of the litter. Why would she scrape the bottom of the barrel to date an unavailable married guy who lacks character? She can do better, so she does. FYI: You can also do better. Food for thought…
The power dynamic thing is spot on. He is making sure you know your place by telling you about the damage without opening up about the rest. I also agree that the rest is irrelevant, but that doesn’t stop it from being true that the stonewalling is abusive.
I’m so sorry. You deserve better.
Cheaters cheat period. Looks dont really matter its all about stroking the male ego and the buildup. Asswipes whore pretended she loved everything he does. She doesnt and now her slips are showing. Other than b and s sex and her money theyve nothing in common. And while she doesnt need a bag over her head she aint nothing. He got a woman who will sleep with married men acts like she in 8th grade and help break up a marriage and she got a angry lying cheater who cheats on her. They deserve each other.
Sorry, men aren’t the only ones capable of cheating.
THIS is 100% what it’s about : “If Ms. Hair Scrunchie made your husband feel like a super stud, who was never wrong, and never responsible for any of the shit decisions of his life? Ms. Hair Scrunchie IS the super model.”
I wasn’t interested in who the OW were, what they looked like or what their accomplishments were. Because I knew that their value to him lay in their being available and adoring. FULL STOP.
Unfortunately, it made me realize that’s what he saw in me as well, when we met. (Of course, he was single at that time.) But that was my value to him, and later on, I was an excellent wife appliance. But he didn’t see ME any more than he saw the OWs.
It’s all about the cheater. and their cheater-ness. The affair partner is pretty irrelevant, unless they get all up in your life.
This. I am the one in the hair scrunchie (then and now) while my husband was and is always deemed to be extremely good looking, charming, and fun. I did the pick-me dance in college when we were both single. And amazing to both myself and others … I WON! Why? Because I so obviously worshiped him. He loved that I loved him, which is quite different from he loved me. When lies and deception came to light through out the years (30 years … shudder), I was devastated each time but then I would forgive him and we would continue on. My forgiveness was genuine and complete because I really did love him and could not bare to let the truth be revealed to myself. I was his greatest alibi. So much of the anger I have is directed at myself for being so chumpy. Now that I barely give him the time of day while I patiently wait for that pension to vest, he realizes that he doesn’t love me at all. Neither one of us were fully aware of the dynamics.
Keep doing what you got to do! This shit is hard and this plan is… Soul sucking. I totally get it.
In my case, I,too, so obviously adored him. At least until 15 years and two kids later when I got to know who he really was. It was about that time that he started looking. And a few years later he found a “friend” who had also been a friend of mine. She saw that he adored her. He told neighbors that she was so “hot”.
She is definitely different from me but only in that she doesn’t know him yet. They may think they are “soul(sex)-mates” but when she gets to know the lying narc he really is that may change. I know that I have to focus on myself and forget about them but my heart hasnt caught up with my brain yet. The hurt is still there. It takes time. Just waiting for the karma bus…
Oh Dixie Chump – I so understand what you are saying. ‘The Great I Am’ never saw me either. He told me daily how much he loved me, but he didn’t love me at all – what he loved was how much I adored him, what he loved was how good I made him feel about himself – me? – I was nothing to him – I doubt very much he even knows who the hell I am, certainly he proved it time and time again that he hadn’t a clue what was important to me or the things I cared most about. I was merely a ‘kibble dispenser appliance’ with no humanity of my own. Sad but true. I can’t be angry with myself about it – I was clueless to the true nature of the disordered narcissist that he is. If it were to happen again? Now I’m ‘educated’? – yep, I could be mad at myself for being a fool.
Same here Jayne, X-hole told me daily that he loved me and yet deep down I knew he couldn’t really mean it. “Can’t see the forest for the trees” has a new meaning in my life now. I see him more clearly now than I ever have. Slept next to him every night for 8 years and never knew him at all. He actually screamed that at me on DDay #2 “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!”, at the time I was flabbergasted and now I know it’s probably the only honest thing he ever said to me. Such a waste of time & air. Asshole.
That’s pretty mighty KarenE.
It took me several sleepless nights of ready CL columns and CN responses to realize it wasn’t about what the whores looked like, it was about the narcissist.
The one thing about this letter that really strikes me is that the husband is telling her he had an affair and nothing else. The power dynamic here is that he is working hard to injure her by dropping this information on her an if he is working hard to hurt her then there’s a big chance he is taking pleasure in watching the show as she twists herself in doubt and anguish.
Run Thighs! Run!
Absolutely, AllOutOfKibble! Sitting back & enjoying the show.
Wife Appliance indeed!
I was a Stepford Wife Appliance: Younger than him by a bit, blonde, outgoing, and able to rake in the money for him and keep a nice house while he went out and got his rocks off. Yep, his very own Barbie Doll.
Until I got a little older, at which point he decided to trade me in for 12 year old Thai prostitutes who looked like young boys. Oh, and then there was his 19 year old girlfriend. She had a nice body, but was the biggest piece of white trash that ever existed.
Although it was fun to happen across an e-mail she wrote to her bodybuilder boyfriend that my ex found, where she told said boyfriend she couldn’t see him anymore because she needed a new car, and she found a sucker to buy it for her. It was almost worth my hard earned money going to that skank’s car, just to know my turd knew he got taken for a ride. No pun intended.
Turds, all of them. Trust that he sucks.
Tequilatamm, you were married to complete and utter trash. I felt my stomach turn as I read.
I am thankful that I knew from early on that it wasn’t about the OWs – it was about him and his choice to cheat.
When I caught him, I thought she was the only one. I had hired a PI to document their evening so I would have proof mainly because I knew he would lie and deny. When the PI first saw her, he was talking with me on the phone and he blurted out ‘I think she’s pregnant’. That sent me in a momentary spin but it turned out that she had a big belly and was wearing a baggy outfit.
Later when I found out he was a serial cheater, I decided that yes, I was curious about the women, what they looked like, their life, etc. but I still knew not to focus on them. I found out what I needed to know about the ones that I could in case I needed it for legal reasons but that was it. He had a few regulars in town but mostly one night stands while traveling and prostitutes.
Cheater cheated because he could and it wasn’t about what the women looked like. It was about them spreading their legs quickly and easily for him with little effort on his part.
KarenE,
I just came to this realization about a week ago. I couldn’t figure it out. Yes she’s 14 years younger than me, but she’s average looking, has a low level paying job, 2 young children (1 autistic and stbex is not patient AT ALL). I was describing my situation to someone the other day and saying that we were 20 & 22 when we married and in the same profession and equals.
He switched professions while I stayed in mine. He has had many jobs because after the first year he realizes everyone he works with is an idiot. I’ve been at the same employer for 25 years. I went back to school and got by college degree, written professional articles, known within by profession as an expert in a specific sub-specialty, I’ve been promoted and received countless raises. In fact I came home in shock about two years ago and he looked at me and said, “What, another raise?” I said no, a promotion and a raise. He was pissed. I’ve grown so much in our 27 year marriage. He’s has not.
I also did everything at home while he sat in front of the TV. I no longer saw him with my young, naive eyes, but with eyes that was working my butt off and not getting what I needed from him., He was pissed because I told him once that I wanted him, but didn’t know if I needed him. I know that was harsh, but if he wanted me to need him all he had to do was show that he adored me, that I came before all others, and to share in our life not sit and watch me work.
So it’s about finding someone who will not see him for what he is, but for how he wants to be seen.
When I first uncovered one of the ex’s affairs, it was right around the time we were finishing up what had seemed to be a successful course of marital counseling. After I told ex that his deception had caused me to change my opinion of him, he said, “I don’t like it that you see me differently now.” That’s all it was about. That’s all it ever was about.
>>>>>>>>>>I also did everything at home while he sat in front of the TV. I no longer saw him with my young, naive eyes, but with eyes that was working my butt off and not getting what I needed from him., He was pissed because I told him once that I wanted him, but didn’t know if I needed him. I know that was harsh, but if he wanted me to need him all he had to do was show that he adored me, that I came before all others, and to share in our life not sit and watch me work.
So it’s about finding someone who will not see him for what he is, but for how he wants to be seen.<<<<<<<<<<<<
Amen, absolute truth in my case, too!!!!
So many of our stories are the same. Putting up with piles of crap and not caring because we believe we’re in love. I’m beginning to think the OW did me the biggest favor. I was always worried about him doing something stupid or reckless and getting himself or someone else hurt. I’m thankful not only that my youngest reached 21 prior to D day so I don’t have any child support issues to deal with but that I found out when I did and I didn’t have to honor, “To death do us part” for one more second. If I ever get married again, which I think I will check myself in a psych ward for electric shock therapy first, I will insist on changing the vows. I will remove the death do us part to include infidelity and every last item on “The 3 Douchiest Things You Don’t Miss” from last Friday. Can you picture the bride-to-be standing in front of the minister for hours discussing bathroom behavior?
Anne you described life with the Limited with underdeveloped potential, always switching jobs and inadequate to the core.
KarenE, I agree the OW is irrelevant unless they get all up in your life. My Ex’s OW was going around town introducing herself as ME! Saying she was his wife, calling his doctor’s office for test results as his wife! Then she decided to try to call the shots in my settlement agreement! My Ex was cc-Ing her on all his correspondence with his divorce attorney! Luckily I was able to shut that shit down! After the divorce she was all up in our amended taxes for the two years he had screwed around and if I needed any documents for the IRS then the request was handled by this twat! Takes me at least a week to get one damn piece of paper from her! Her mommy, the pastor of no church, has a fax machine so mumsy gets to see all of MY personal biz too! Yeah! The OW is a pudgy little case of arrested development, but that pales in comparison to the way she squeezes her fat ass and nose in ALL my business! I believe she knows more about me than I know about myself! I just hate that!
Karen E, you had so many replies it would not let me reply. Everything your are saying hit me to my core. You have such a skill at pinpointing and wording you should consider an article for new chumps to find when they are searching the web to make sense ofbit all.
Yep, all they want are adoring fans. The over-idealization is constantly at work. He over-idealized me, he obviously over-idealizes her. She’s more on his level though: lower moral standards, far more narcissistic than I am. He’s placed her on a far higher pedestal than he placed me, I wasn’t involved in the break up of a marriage. It’s a long way down from the height of “I’m so awesome a man would leave his wife for me”.
It’s definitely a case of “It’s not you it’s them!” So cliche but so true. The bottom line is that an affair partner could be anyone as long as they blow smoke up the cheater’s ass and feed them the appropriate amount of kibbles. Working yourself up over it is just one more distraction so you’re not paying attention to what’s really important: Yourself and why you think you deserve this behavior.
Your husband is holding back information to protect his affair without any regard for you. That right there should tell you that there’s no unicorns here. I bet if you look real close you’ll see more evidence. This isn’t about you and any perceived short comings. It’s about him and his many real short comings.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Asshat never planned to tell me about his twu wuv affair but then the AP wigged out and ratted him out. He, too, refused to reveal her identity. I asked if I should walk around thinking every woman was going to kill me. He was a selfish, asshole and insisted I didn’t need to know. I wondered if she was some glamorous starlet. He assured me it was over. Now, over a year after D-Day, O know the PA was probably over but they were in contact for most of last year. Four months after D-Day, she forced the issue and he had to tell her name. She was one of about eight women I suspected. He had fallen in love with her. He worshipped her. Yet he expected me to just forget all about her and the few hurtful tidbits he did reveal. I decided I would not only line up ducks but find out more about Florence (Sluntingale – she’s a nurse). Turns out even though he valued her for her bendypornstar talents, her sweet innocence and her awesome past (she has a BFF Pop star! Oops, she is just a wingnut stalking fan….), she’s just a lying lunatic. I can be objective about outward appearances. Sure, strangers would say she is prettier than me but every fibre of my being knows Asshat and Nurse Sluntingale are both BIG ASS DOG TURDS.
Good luck!
PS Your thighs are kick ass. Please, literally, use them to kick his ass!
Mighty good advice CE!
My replacement is not attractive at all but she is 40 years younger than I am. She can hardly speak a word of English which is the ex’s primary language but I do understand that luv speaks all languages! The ex’s tart is 14 years younger than my 37 year daughter and 10 years younger than my 33 year son and she looks much older than both of them. She has dodgy looking gums in her mouth and she paints her face like a cheap hooker who has bad eyesight ! She is dripping with gold bracelets and rings which he has bought her and takes her travelling everywhere with him. He never bought me one piece of jewellery in 37 years of marriage and never took me anywhere because he didn’t want to be seen with me. Having said all of that, the tart has been welcomed into my family with open arms and I have been pushed out. Sad for me but it is my reality to understand.
Really sucks when our own families welcome them in. Especially the kids. Sigh. My kids hate it but they deal with it. Their father has ignored them mostly the last three years they are aware boy are they aware. They are polite to his whore but not welcoming. The whore is forever asking about me. I told both of them what i do is none of their fathers and the whores business and refuse to discuss me with them. The whore wants me to just find somebody already so all of us can forgive forget and be great friends! Asswipe knows better.
Kara marie, I will never forgive or forget the damage that has been caused to my once lovely family because I was married to a predator. I like to think that even though my kids don’t want me in their lives that deep down they still think of me as Mum. Well at least I hope so because I was their only constant from the moment they were born.
My heart bleeds for you maree. Children should never take sides or be encouraged to do that. But to drop mom cause of him and his bitch almost unforgivable and the father who doesnt encourage the kids to have a great relationship with their mom is not a good father just low life scum. All my children told their father when he tried to make them takes sides that if he insisted they take sides they would take my side he backed off the whore hasnt. They told him he was fucked up what he did and it was wrong he was wrong and they love me and have no intention on replacing me with whore juice. And if he doesnt like that thats too damn bad. I never told them they needed to take a side but he did that pissed the kids off. Hes mostly ignored them anyway i said to the kids do have whatever relationship you can with your dad hes in lala land and thats his life now. It is what it is. He ignors them they mostly ignor him works both ways. Just leave me out of it and do not discuss me with him or whorejuice. He fired me so none of their damn business. I also told him if you badger anyone about info about me i know where you live and the very first time i lay eyes on whore juice it will be a really bad scene. She seems to want to know all about me where i know very little of her and dont care to. I know all i need to know. Low moral character whore im thankful my kids are all grown as she will have zero influence on them. The whore seems to think i interegate my kids for info about the two of them especially her and when she asks them doesnt mom want to know about me and how happy i make your dad doesnt mom ask about us? They are pleased to tell her mom never asks and doesnt care if either of you lives, breathes or dies. Whore very dissappointed says oh and looks sad. What the hell does she care anyway. Effing bitch!
My Thighs–ask any therapist and they will say that TRANSPARENCY is key to reconciliation. He won’t tell you who she is? Not transparent. Dump him. When my cheater attempted his Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse after D-day, my last test was to have him tell me gradwhore’s name. He wouldn’t. I handed him the divorce petition (I had already filed) and said, “Turn these in to the court.” Game over, you lose.
I don’t understand why people think that “looks” are what makes a man stray. What I have seen most of the time is that the mistress is always a downgrade than the wife. And usually, it’s someone who is at the same level as the cheater, personality wise, meaning they feel comfortable with each other because they’re either messed up the same way, or they think in the same dysfunctional way. They are both scraping the bottom of the barrel and connect at that level.
Absolutely, Kellia. In fact, I looked up some research on infidelity the other day and only 12% of mistresses were deemed prettier than the wife (no research on women who cheat, unfortunately). So generally, mistresses are uglier outside as well as inside.
Thanks Tempest. And you’re right, mistresses are ugly on the inside and outside!
Well my wife picked a 26 year old her 40. Other than age, nothing special at all about him. He was short. She likes tall. He was chubby. And from what I am told not packing much….. He makes a lot less money. It all boils down to no morals no character. It was exciting. It was ego boost. It was because she could. And to address why he wont tell you who she is or any details…. because the truth is much worse than you can imagine and he knows what will happen if you know.
Daaaamn David.
Why do you know about his cock? ??
She sucks.
Funny you should ask….. one she had pictures on her phone… two I called his fiancé to let her know what was going on…. she did not get what my wife saw in him….. and then she said he doesn’t even have a big cock…. quite the opposite…. so its not that I tried to find out it was just there…..
David,
Did you fuck his fiancé?
Oh shit Ian!!! 😀 You are incorrigible!!!
Oh shit I just love it!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!!
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!
😀 I’m laughin so hard Beau is lookin at me a little concerned!!!!
Oh thank you for this beautiful day belly laugh Ian!!!
Ha! The OW’s husband and I talked about hooking up just to spite them, but never followed through…
In their raunchy endless sexting, OW referenced his ‘magnificent cock’. I think the M word she’s looking for is micro.
Also having a huge belly laugh. I didn’t catch what Ian caught (guys catch those things) but – I’m not sure why any man would post their cock, no matter what size – ummm…well…nev-va mind (size doesn’t matter) but that photo never turns a woman on (well, not me anyway). By the time you get to my age, all you see is a hard cock waving under your nose wanting a b/j or h/j and – IT just wants off. (Yeah, I had that kind of marriage)
Anyway, loved the laugh tonight.
For me? If a guy didn’t like my dogs. Deal breaker. Eventually, that guy that hates her dogs is going to kick one across the room. IF one of them slapped one my Danes, well, they just better not.
No but we discussed at least how we could make them believe we had!
I was laughing with a girlfriend that when I’m ready for sex I should just find me a boy toy. To me that’s anything under 30. The problem is, my oldest is 26 and that’s just plain sick and I would feel creepy.
I looked up all those stats in the early days after dday and a surprisingly large percentage of men didn’t find the mistress more attractive. In fact around 80 % report not even being unhappy in the marriage. I personally think they may be attracted more to a type i.e. the party girl, the bad boy, and try to run with that fantasy. The diifference as always is the lack of integrity and not being grounded in reality. I enjoy the fantasy of being whisked away by some millionaire and go jetsetting around the world, but in reality, I just want someone I can share books with and curl up next to on the couch in my jammies, no makeup, hair in a pony. Love me, love my chubby thighs and crows feet ’cause as long as you’re good to me, I really don’t mind your decreasing hairline and increasing belly.
Yaaaas. Any billionairesses want me as a fuck-toy?
Sorry to break the news, Ian. Leona Helmsley died. ; (
SCORE! Spitting coffee on the keyboard! Tempest, you’re a quick one.
You’re on. I’ll tell you sweet little lies that I can’t disguise. (My stbeh and I are) better off apart, so why don’t we give it a try, I’ll tell you sweet little lies. 🙂
Never mind, I have character and we’ve all been lied too enough. I’m not a millionaire nor am I Fleetwood Mac.
And the 12% which are ‘prettier’ have that ‘prosititute’ look about them. Usually fake boobs/plastic surgery, extensive dental work, makeup so thick that if they smile their face will crack, and those skank-eyes.
In other words, they’re ugly as fuck or look like a hooker.
I’ve never seen an OW who actually looks genuinely beautiful on the outside – and they certainly are not on the inside!
You said it perfectly, they go to someone on their gutter level. They can’t live up to a normal, decent standard. My ex cheated with the lowest excuse of a woman but as he told me, he didn’t have to live up to anything with her, no expectations, no morals so he could feel good about himself. She trashes every place she lives in and then gets evicted. The state took her kids for a year due to neglect, she steals from everyone, including her son’s pay while he was deployed to Iraq, stole from the church fundraiser, steals from employers, doesn’t pay a bill, sent her kid out collecting donations for a fake charity and lives off of other people but posts what a good Christian she is!! It was too hard for him to be a decent, caring partner, to contribute to our life. I am a month out from our final break up and it feels wonderful, not to be carrying his crap around anymore. I thought I could “save” him, what a joke! He never wanted to be saved. I am going to take some time and there will be a nice, caring man out there and I won’t be sucked in by a narcissist again, sadly I learned from the best! My best advice to anyone is RUN for your life the FIRST time they cheat, don’t believe they care and love you, they don’t-they only love themselves. It is scary how truly cold they are inside but you don’t see it until you finally wake up to the reality. Life is good, treat yourself better!
True–they find their own level. My X’s current GF (who almost definitely was an AP) is pretty & makes a good salary, but has the same morals as my X. When my PI accessed her Facebook page, the PI emailed me a shocked “She was married with 2 children when she started dating your X?” I laughed out loud, and wanted to say, “Honey, you need to go read the deplorable stories on chumplady. Breaking up two families with children is minor compared to other freak-of-the-week stories.”
Wow Tempest – she’s previously married with two kids??? Bloody hell! Don’t tell me, let me guess … kids are back home while she studies in the US? Ha! Now she’s bagged herself an older American Professor? Oh, definitely looks like her ‘life plan’ has come together for her!
She was married to an American (probably got her green card), had 2 kids, then dumped him for the wealthy, suave (sociopathic) professor–my X. The kids live with her & Hannibal half-time; what I wouldn’t pay for a camera in his residence to see how he handles that! He barely tolerated our own children. And I would pay good money to talk to her X!
Teri, are you sure we weren’t married to the same guy? I was reading your comment and ticking off the similarities of the OW on my fingers, right down to the stealing/lying for charity, losing her kids for a year, claiming to be a good Christian and getting kicked out of apartment after apartment because her kids destroyed them or she racked up such a huge bed bug and/or roach infestation so often they just wanted her gone.
Scary! *cringe*
I thought I was alone and unique in this crazy situation until I found all these other stories online, how sad that our lives are a stereotype of dealing with pathetic, narcissistic people. It has truly helped to see that their craziness follows a pattern and it has zero to do with our relationship, how we interacted with them. I read stories and I think “check” to that comment, “check” to that comment, yep, he has done all of these things, said these exact things. What do they have-a book to tell them what to say and do to us?? One of the best quotes I’ve found says “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave” I realized this is their sad story and I don’t have to stick around for the end. I am going back to the wonderful life I had before I met him and he gets to keep his same old sad life where he chooses drama and chaos. Sucks to be him. Thanks for writing, it helps to know others are out here and it’s not just me struggling.
Yes, Kellia, so true! The Hydra was a total downgrade for the ex. But she is at his level, morally, intellectually, every other way. They’re actually a great match in some ways. But with 6 husbands under her belt, and him a lying cheater, the odds of a lasting happy union are not so good. On the other hand, two dog turds flopping happily on the sidewalk together until they merge into one smelly, mushy pile? They might make it work, but decent people will tend to avoid that side of the street.
Bingo! Kellia. They seek their equal, their partner-in-crime. I’ve been told I’m sweet, kind, pretty, lot’s of nice things, by our mutual friends, who can’t believe X treated me so shitty I ran out of his life (after 35 years!)
The OW has things in common with him all right- LOVES alcohol and being drunk, Xanax, Lortabs, and throwing silly parties all the time. Big whoop. I’ll take my interests over his and hers any day!
She’s a phoney who ends up screaming at. and alienating most of her friends, who all think she’s NUTS. She might be, since she ‘tried’ to kill herself FOUR TIMES because my X was ‘playing’ her. What a Loon. Of course, now he can’t stand her, she hates him, but lets him live in her basement….
Oops, got to get back to my Peaceful Life over here, away from them!
Could not agree more.
Yes, OW in my case is bigger and fatter than me and not very pretty anymore though she could have been considered pretty in the past I guess. BUT she worships at the alter of Stbx, and is just like him, even he says so. They are both narcissistic, have low integrity and extremely flexible morals. She will also take all his advice and act on it, she is like his project.
Also the worse their behavior, the lower their standards have to be for supply. They can’t employ really high quality people for supply because they won’t buy their bullshit, so they start heading to the bottom of the barrel.
My brother’s ex probably had more than one. He didn’t care. He just wanted her to stay gone and for his kids to be ok.
How did you find out? If he told and is keeping her a secret then he is a huge asshole. If someone else told they know who she is. There might be job repercussions, a big, dangerous, husband or loss of status. Or he might just be an even bigger asshole for not telling. You can do detective work but she will still be the person who cheats with married men. The large, looming factor in all this is how your husband discounts your needs. Yep, he is a giant asshole.
Or she’s part of the family or some how close to the chump….doesn’t matter, just run
Cheaters cheat with the bottom of the barrel choices. The bottom of the barrel can be ugly or even good looking on the outside but have one thing in common in that they are available and lack a soul.
The fact your husband refuses to tell you who he cheated with has nothing with looks and the size of your thighs. Let me guess your husband isn’t a male super model with a zoolander blue steel look.
Most cheaters do not fit the movie star looks department, but imagine they are unique in some way. Cheaters come in all shapes and sizes, but the one thing they have in common is their entitlement.
I think your biggest problem is not about your thighs but that your cheater husband is denying your right to know who he cheated with. This is about control, not about thighs.
This is your therapy section with CL world! Trust me we are more certified that some “professionals” Am I correct CN?! It is not your it is the psycho husband, like CL said she was available for a$$hat. My a$$hat is/was (do not care) with a “fitness whore” who was being unfaithful with a$$hat. A$$hat has a beer belly and once they are together for 24/7 (I dream about that aa a revenge ?) and she discovered that there is no expensive dinners anymore, no more wine courtesy of corporate credit cards, I can not take the trash because I am tired…. ? the Karma bus will hit him fast. This is what I said to “‘myself” everyday: It is not me it is him! after this situation I now feel more confident so please, please do not beat yourself and do not lose your sleep for these a$$hats. iF you do not have a job get one and start saving money.. Hugs
My Theighs Are Fat – Well mine are a little bigger than I want them to be too, but oh well. I never found out who the whores were that stbx bought his fuck phone to talk to were or the sluts he was chatting it up with on Yahoo and frankly I don’t really care. It doesn’t really matter because I know I am a better person than all of them. When we were ‘discussing’ the divorce one day my stbx told me what a nice person I am. Yep – he’s right. He told me not too long ago how gorgeous I am. Yep – he’s right. And he was willing to give THIS up for THAT? Idiot. It’s entitlement and selfishness. Who cares what she looks like – regardless, she is an ugly person for knowingly messing around with a married man. End of story.
This reply is not about your cheater of a jerk of a husband. I read your story about your cheating ex but all I really saw was “It’s my fault, I didn’t do this and I don’t look like that and I won’t do that”. If you want to get over this, work on your self esteem – that is one of the first thing I had to do – and the “him cheating” will fall into the place it belongs. He is responsible for his actions. I wish you the best.
I knew I could never compete with the internet images that my Serial X devoted his attention to, sent money to, never came to bed so he could chat with and give “shows” to. But it was when he moved things into Real Life with a hundred-haired dumpy troll whose claim to fame was four previous marriages, who had a dead-end job and no aspirations other than achieving Mambo #5, that I realized that the problem really wasn’t mine to fix, other than giving him the freedom to make stupid choices that would no longer affect me.
From the Northern Pikes – “She Ain’t Pretty”
I fell in love with a model from hell
It took some time for my hormones to tell
That chasing her has been a grave mistake
She ain’t pretty, she just looks that way
Her ego wrote checks incredibly fast
But her personality didn’t have the cash
I laughed out loud to my total dismay
She ain’t pretty, she just looks that way
From my Dad – Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes right to the core.
From me – It’s not a competition, though it certainly feels that way.
Thumbs Up!
Ooh, adding to the Pikes’ wisdom: “She’s a girl with a problem and there ain’t no cure.”
LOVE LOVE LOVE that!!! All of it!
Liking this very much!
The ow in my case is 24 – thirty years younger than my husband. He met her on an international dating site. She’s a beautiful young girl, very slim. A lot like I was, 30 years ago. I can’t compete with that. I’m having a hard time with the fact that I thought love meant loving and accepting a person for who they are, not how smooth and firm their body is. So apparently while I truly loved my husband for who he is (or who I thought he was, rather), he only loved me til I started getting old. It was okay for him to get old, but I failed the test of time by aging. Ow also barely speaks English, and as I told my husband, she has none of HIS baggage – she didn’t have to run a B&B for his parents for 25 years, she never got blown off and invalidated by him and treated like her opinion didn’t matter, never got berated for spending money on the kids’ school supplies. (He sent her money and gifts, and is too obtuse to admit that the money and gifts are the only reason a cute girl like that would be interested in a man old enough to be her father.) No wonder she’s so fresh and attentive and SMILING. He claims he broke it off, but I notice more and more how he is drawn to women her age, chatting and interested in every cute waitress/cashier/whatever he comes across. I’m tired. I raised two kids. I’ve never been unemployed. I’m menopausal. I’m 30 pounds overweight and every time I make a big effort to lose weight, I lose nothing, so I don’t even want to try anymore. My self-esteem is at al all time low, when I was actually feeling pretty good about how well I was aging until Miss Thang entered the scene. I feel like shit.
Hi fooliette,
Hope you are taking your cheater to the curb and leaving him there, Read around this site. There’s a lot of goof information about how to move forward.
A surprising thing happened to a lot of us here after we cut the cheater out of our life and went No Contact, we got healthier. When the thing that was killing us slowly was no longer there we invested in ourselves, mentally, physically, spiritually and it helped. Some of us were in the forums a couple weeks ago talking about the medications we no longer need or how our doses have been dropped by our doctors for no good reason other than we cut the cheater out of our lives.
It’s true. Dear Fooliette, if you leave, you’ll find out. The love and attention you gave to your spouse, you now give to yourself, and it’s FANTASTIC! And it feels so right, and long overdue. It sounds like your H is in total denial that he will age, and in his mind he’s forever 21. I don’t know if that’s fixable. Please take good care of yourself.
((BIG HUGS))
“I can’t compete with that.”
No no no. Why would you want to compete with a piece of crap?
Thus far in my life I have yet to witness a man angling to date women significantly younger that doesn’t have HUGE and startlingly dysfunctional control issues.
So if you can’t “compete” ? No you likely can’t be as easily controlled and unaware of what a proper relationship should look like in order to avoid such ludicrous set ups.
Fooliette – please stop putting yourself down. You are comparing yourself to someone who could be your daughter. Please remember this every time you feel not good enough – SHE WANTS A GREEN CARD. A beautiful, slim young woman has no interest in an older man who has let himself go with the exception of what he can do for her. He doesn’t love her – he loves himself and she’s just an accessory to make him look good. Like a big, tacky Rolex to wear on his wrist. An international dating website is like a pet adoption site. The dogs have no say in who adopts them and these young women have little more choice. They are desperate to leave their country and come to the good old USA. It’s a business transaction.
Just keep saying GREEN CARD to yourself until it really sinks in.
In the end, my marriage to the X (alcohol abuser, not cheater) was finally over when, at one wedding of people from my professional life, he flirted with the mother of one of my students, the bride, and the bridesmaid. That was it for me.
Hi Fooliette,
I agree with FreeWoman – it definitely sounds like your husband is in a fantasy lala land where he is still 21. So much so, that he is being a complete fool. Please don’t let his foolishness take you down with him. Yes, she’s very young and nubile and all that – but we both know it’s a scam, don’t we? She hasn’t got your life experience, or the real memories you shared with asshat. He can fantasise all he likes but it’s nothing but sex – what are they going to talk about? Is she going to remember bubble perms and zoot suits? He’s chosen to walk away from any connection to who he is. For now, he might that an attractive proposition (he’s in LaLa Land) but he’s choosing really superficial and pretend over real and honest. He’s a complete idiot and deserves the lonely old age he’s got coming to him. Please. don’t be whipped by the current fashion fascism regarding weight and body image. In the grand scheme of things it wasn’t so long ago that a curvy woman was deigned the most desirable (please look at paintings by Rubens, Renoir to name but two) I have a good friend who would happily describe herself as a ‘big’ girl – men cannot resist her-she is full of life and vitality and she is a beautiful woman. Celebrate your womanly form, look to burlesque for inspiration. No, you are not 21 and slim – you are whatever age and fecund and beautiful – don’t let the fascists grind you down!
Fooliette, I am so sorry to read your story. It is very similar to mine sadly. The only difference is my ex is 63 and his tart is 23. She is not beautiful and not even near it, in fact if you put me alongside of her when I was 23 she could not hold a candle to me or walk in my shadow. However, that doesn’t change the fact that we have been cast aside for a tramp, no more no less. I can relate to every word you have posted just as other Chumps here can. It will get better trust me because I never, ever thought I would make it through but I have. I can say with my hand on my heart that I am truly glad that my ex predator has gone and you will be too one day. Just remember fooliette, whilst it may not be of any comfort at the moment, we had the best years of their life and no matter how hard they try, they are still old men. They are old fools and there is no fool like and old fool. Stay with us here at Chump Nation and we will help get you through to the other side and you will gain some semblance of happiness and peace of mind again. Many, many hugs to you.
Everything that CL said is SPOT ON! My cheater dumped me for his 25 yo law student secretary. She isn’t bright, she isn’t accomplished, and she is entirely unremarkable in the looks department. It really made me realize that it didn’t matter who he cheated on me with, she was there and fell all over him like he was a God. He blew so much smoke up her ass, it was ridiculous. He at one point told her how happy he was to finally be not married and she actually responded “I am so honored to be a part of your happiness.” Revolting. She also called him by his full first-name which was so odd (literally no one does), but I guess he dug it. This is the way he views all women though-not as people, but as things to boost his ego. I think most cheaters have this in common. They use people. He used to tell me “people must think that I have money or something when they see someone that looks like you with me.” It was always about how people perceived him. Jackass. I guess that he felt a little threatened when I got “uppity” and finally stopped concentrating on his career and focused on my own. As soon as I found success (and financial independence), I guess the marriage wasn’t big enough for the two of us and he preferred someone who was a little more dull and wouldn’t take away from his sparkle. That worked out for about 4 months. I tried to warn her (Why? I don’t know-I guess I am a chump to the end), and I truly pity and sympathize with his next victim.
LOL. Mine hated it when I achieved or was honored for my work or had any kind of outside attention. It took me some time to see he wasn’t just sad not to be the center of attention but he actually hated me for succeeding. How freaking bizarre!
It is an interesting contradiction, isn’t it? On one end of the spectrum, they want you to be perfect and sparkly so that people think “gosh, s/he is so great! I am so impressed s/he landed her/him!” But, on the other end, you can’t be too awesome and threaten their position as the “better” one. When people would ask him what I do for a living, his answer was “she is a do-gooder”. God forbid, he actually take interest in what I do and take the time to explain it to others. I think he did this to achieve two things: 1. it boosted him through me because people thought “Aww, that’s nice! Social justice! She is empathetic and has a big heart. He’s a lucky guy.” I think in this same vein, he could let people make assumptions (she doesn’t make much money, she is hopelessly optimistic/naive, she is probably not really making a difference, she probably isn’t successful”-none of these things are true.) 2. It never really explained what I ACTUALLY do, thus avoiding the pain of admitting I am intelligent, successful, and y’know, A PERSON!
I am sorry your ex hated your success. It is a shitty feeling. But, know that you are so much better off and I bet probably doing even better without the ex holding you back. The right person won’t just love you for you and be there for the bad times, but they will also celebrate your success and good times. Anyone who doesn’t, doesn’t belong in your life. That includes “friends”.
When I worked it wasn’t good enough, when I stayed home it wasn’t good enough. Funny how that goes? But my husband did say he was always intimidated by me. One of ex friends who is a serial cheater, said that she “pretended” to be someone she wasn’t to get her husband, and was she tired of pretending. And somehow that was her husband’s fault. I guess when people lie to get what they want, they have to keep lying, and that’s just such a hardship. Sad sausage I know-
On the whole I really needed this today!!! Thanks chump lady. I feel like a dog today and have just such self blame issues. I really need to work on these. It’s just tough at times.
AlloutofKibble – It’s not that uncommon. The men I dated that were less successful than I was, really ended up resenting my success. No matter how much they told me they didn’t. Sooner or later, they would make comments like how I made so much more money than them, or how they were intimidated by me. It never failed. I also see this with my girlfriends who dated less successful men. Men’s earning power and income does define them, whether they admit it or not.
My wife left me for a man who had more power and money. Should I define myself by that?
Absolutely not! When you really love someone, you love them no matter how much money or power they have. Your ex is shallow if that was her reason for leaving…and guess what happens if that money or power go anywhere…POOF! She will go too…
Right. Real love looks past the superficial. I told my husband that Id rather be homeless with him than live in a palace without him. I meant it .I doubt he understood that.
Kellia,
Men are defined by money and power? I find that a little offensive and ridiculous. I guess in your world women are defined only by age and beauty? It is not 1960 anymore. I would love to date an equal partner. that means someone who shares my values, likes to do the things I like to do, treats me well etc. Whether they make more or less money than me does not matter at all.
Once you have enough money to meet the basic requirements of life having extra really does not add to the quality of life. Just to the quantity of material items that you can possess.
Actually if you read that whole response/post you can tell what she is saying is that MEN define themselves by their wealth and power no matter how you try to stroke their egos. A lot of them (not all but a lot) just cannot take the blow to their ego if the women in their lives make more money then they do. That’s their hangup. Not my circus, not my monkeys!
Cheaterssuck – I was about to respond with a clarification, when your post took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you.
I do think a man’s income, wealth and power affects his standing in the sexual marketplace, whether or not any given man defines himself by those criteria. I would imagine the dynamics in a relationship do differ between a man married to a more dependent woman vs. being married to a financially independent woman.
I do think men tend to want to feel needed in a marriage, so if they really aren’t “needed” then they might feel insecure. (generalizing i realize)
Buddy,
I guess you have a point. Some women are attracted to wealth and power. However those are the type of women I would like to avoid. While i have done pretty well in the wealth department you would never know it unless I told you. I don’t drive a new car or have a huge house. I dress casually. I have no interest in anyone who wants me because I can provide a lifestyle. As far as power goes I have no idea if I have any or not.
Chew,
I imagine you have wealth because you don’t feel the need to define yourself by things. I wish my stbeh didn’t feel the need to put on a show, we would have had more wealth. I’m doing much better by myself because I’m finally able to pay all the bills AND not spend needlessly, therefore building my own wealth. Also, your power shows in your don’t care attitude response to power. The ability to just be without worrying how others perceive you is absolutely charming.
Dear Thighs,
My ex cheated with probably around 100 women in the first 6 months of our marriage. As most of them were hookers (and having accessed his email) I saw the photos for a couple.
All in all I’d imagine some were better looking than me. Some worse looking than me.
As CL said – it’s not about your looks. It’s about him being a shithead.
I too find his resistance to revealing her name a serious slight and huge red flag.
Hugs to you
My ex-wife left me for someone who is at least 100 lbs overweight and with humdrum looks. I am no Fabio but am confident that I am a decent looking person who could maybe lose 10 lbs. That’s why I never suspected that they were having an affair. Once you can accept that your spouse’s cheating has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them, you can begin to heal. Once I realized my XW was a cheating NARC, I also realized that she probably cheated on me in the past and would definitely cheat on me in the future. Yes, I am excited for the day she leaves FS (Fat Slob), but I am more excited she left me for him. I get the chance to have an actual relationship with a person who has a soul and can love me (the XW is a bloodsucking narc).
“Once you can accept that your spouse’s cheating has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them, you can begin to heal AND if they cheated on you in the past, they would definitely cheat on you in the future”
OMG-This by Millions!!!
Focus on you chubby thighs-and how to move your chubby thighs away from him as fast as you can!
It doesn’t matter what the one OW or the many other women look like-bottom line is that he cheated & is no longer worthy of you and your love.
Ugggggh such a good post today. My 27 year old ex husband (I’m 28) had and affair with a 46 year old woman on her fourth marriage with 4 children, some his age. When I divorced him he moved in with her because her husband left. He’s like a faux step dad to kids his own age. And she’s not even an attractive young looking cougar. (He has mom issues) sometimes there is no rhyme or reason.
I do have a question of my own though. If I am mean and make boundaries to have no contact, why does my narcissist ex continue to contact me for the last ten months since we have been divorced. He has resorted to fake face books Pinterest accounts so he can comment on my pins. It’s just odd, the kibble has been long since over! Any ideas my fellow chumps?
Are you sure it’s him and not her? I don’t know… for some weird reason my spidey senses are thinking that’s more a female thing to do.
Brittneyk – He’s likely contacting you to keep the OW on her toes. After all, if the OW sees he’s still in contact with you, then it may be perceived as a threat to their union (due to your past connection), so she better amp her game and devote even more attention on him. It’s a triangulation move on his part, designed to use you and keep her attentive to him. Think about it, he’s commenting on your posts, when he’s with the OW. That’s not nice or appropriate. It’s completely manipulative on his part. I may be wrong in my assessment, but I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.
And I have a question, if it’s a fake Facebook account or Pinterest account, how do you know it’s him?
He uses fake ones because I block the real ones. I know it’s him because he says things like ” I made the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me” blah blah blah. Interesting theory but I notice all the posts and emails are done in the hours he is on shift at his job. So his old hag doesn’t see lol. Also I get flower arrangements from anonymous people. Everyone in my life would be sure to take credit. It’s so it can’t be traced to him. He’s a real nut job
LOL, so things aren’t as rosy with the OW for him to make admissions like that. And he’s emotionally cheating on the OW with you. How ironic. He should be exposed for the charlatan that he is.
The grass wan’t greener on the other side, I guess, and he wants you to be his Plan B (or Plan C, after you were originally Plan A). just a kibble-seeker. Or, if you divorced him, he’s trying to lure you in to take back his power. Mine did this somewhat–after I told him I never wanted to have contact with him unless connected to the kids, he used that to initiate contact a few times and then told me HE didn’t want contact with me. Power play.
Yes I did divorce him. I filed I served and had to file some more because he refused to respond. Ballsy enough to cheat on me in hotels but can’t sign divorce papers or show up. I agree I have an intuition that living with a mistress and playing house with her is much different than screwing her after work. Poor sad sausage. ?
Whatever you do, DO NOT respond to him. This is a play for kibbles. He is testing the waters to see if you are still available to him for Narc Supply. Look up “hoovering” and stay strong!
I don’t feel the need or the urge to let her know she’s with a scumbag, because she’s one too. How can you actually believe what you have is real? When you’re screwing a married man in hotels? He’s obvi not a gem.
As for responding, in ten months I responded one time. One simple line, ” you are a terrible person” so far it’s been almost a month and nothing. But he always swings back around.
Barf!
Keep a log of every contact he makes with you. If you can prove that he’s contacting you, go to family court and get a restraining order. In most states you do not need a police report to file a restraining order. Start filing police reports when he violates the order of protection and use words such as stalking. Judges do not like their orders ignored and in most states, it’s called Criminal Contempt and a mandatory arrest. Stalking is repeated and unwanted behavior that puts you in fear or perceived risk of safety, whether that risk is physical or mental it makes no difference. Document everything and follow up. Many states have very strict stalking laws and cops are better trained on writing a report to build a stalking charge. Do not take the bullshit.
My ex was a serial cheater. Some of the women were prettier and younger than me, others not. They all knew he was essentially married (living together for years), and they didn’t care. So, in my book, they are all uglier than me. Anyone who participates in something like that is an ugly person. It doesn’t matter how many sparkles they have on top. As CL says, they’re still a steaming load of dog crap. But the steamiest, stinkiest dog loaf is the cheater himself. Thighs, I’d say to keep your focus on that–your stinking loaf of a husband, who cheats and then denies you information that you’re entitled to know. If he’s truly remorsefully, he should be falling all over himself to respond to your questions and put you at ease. His actions should show the remorse, but they don’t seem to.
I know first hand how easy it is to get caught up in the OW (singular or plural) stuff. The jealousy, the insecurities, the sense of competition for “your man.” But all of that is just a distractor from the real issue: the daily tragedy of being married/committed to a treacherous, deceitful person who is capable of betraying you IN THE WORST WAY at any moment. It hurts to rip off the band aid, but it hurts much worse and is so much more damaging to leave it there with the wound festering.
I share the pain of the original poster. I was simply replaced by a model 12 years younger. Same academic background, same build and hair coloring, etc. OW was also the same age I was when ex cheated (unbeknownst to me) the first time, so I felt as if he was simply rebooting his life at the point that he wished he had left me. He got to start over (literally, remarried and now has two more kids, same sex and order as ours) and I was left feeling old, ugly, and unwanted in my 40s.
No, I do not feel that way anymore given how he has treated me and the kids (he moved thousands of miles away…left his kids!), but it takes time.
So anyone still struggling out there, the OW/OM might be green, might be ugly, might have a high IQ… This is about the cheater, and has nothing to do with you personally, although it sure feels that way.
That’s the very thing that happened to me! Totally replaced by a woman who is a lot like how I was at that age. Evidently I was not supposed to age or change. When I found out about his affair, and was trying to figure it out, he would tell me things like how spontaneous and energetic she was. Like the job and mortgage and kids I had, due to our marriage, weren’t supposed to have an effect on me?
Dear Thighs…the other woman is very likely a “downgrade” in intelligence, looks, and definitely character because your man is not looking for a replacement. He is looking for kibbles and easy sex. She is easy to find and easy to coax into bed. Remember those poor girls in high school who had the “reputations”? They were never the beautiful homecoming queens or the valedictorian, were they?
Mr. Sparkles found a dog turd 10 years younger than me, but she has two kids (11 and 8) and an XH who walked out on her… and a father who walked out on her family as a child.
SO – while it may be that she is “prettier and younger”… (though in truth she isn’t because he has a “type”)… she is DAMAGED GOODS. She didn’t take the time to fix her picker and now she is CHOOSING a man who walked out on 3 women (two of them wives) and 6 children… and is already cheating on her on Adult Friend Finder.
But, she’ll be the exception.
Don’t buy into the propaganda… broken people attract broken people. And Victoria’s Secret models get dumped all the time (thank you Leo DiCaprio!)
Leave him and fix your picker… you’re beauty will increase tenfold the day you get rid of him (it just may take a while to feel it!) I’m 18 months post d-day and I’m looking like I did in my 30’s (I’m 49)… gaining inner peace is the best anti-aging serum.
Be mighty.
“broken people attract broken people”.
You hit the nail on the head.
That is my story except for the 6 kids. He only ever had one. She is 10 years younger than me (no prettier, but I am sure more energetic) with two kids, I believe her husband walked out on her. STBX has walked out on 3 women (so far) – two of them wives.
Our stories are eerily similar…
I am 9 months post DDay still mucking through.
Fooliette
Of all the things that you said the most positive one was “I never been unemployed” you have something there for you, raised his kids so do not beat yourself. If the circumstances do not let you go away from him. Life your life in a good way independently from Ahole. I bet he is fat, bold or ugly ( in the inside for sure). Trust me I am more happy now after the discovered about of a$$wipe husband. I always put a happy face in front of him and he asked me: “Why I look so happy?!” I will not give him the pleasure of look sad in front if him the psycho wants to punish you and mess up with your mind.
Actually, he looks almost as good as he did when we got married. He has only gained a few pounds. Has a head of thick hair that is uncommon in people in their 20’s. He’s quite good looking.
That’s just his physical mask… the real him is a MONSTER… Think HellRaiser.
I am bald.
Hair is overrated. Bald men are handsome and have the extra confidence to shave their heads…very alpha. Example: Disturbed singer
I’m good. ?????????? Thanks all!
I’m thinking tiny penis is the male fat thighs?
If you want I can hook you up with my cheater, she likes bald men. One of her flings was ex bf whom is without hair and her favorite!
Well I doubt she is prettier…. mine had two affairs. One yes better looking… muscles… but mean as hell. Tattoos all over… nasty drug habit with alcohol abuse. Steroids. And maybe a 25000 dollar a year job. I do believe also sells drugs. Second was a chubby short 26 year old. Made better money than number one but not near as much as her chump. Its opportunity. On one hand she was playing with the bad boy on the other she was getting ego filled by a 15 year younger boy. Nothing great or special about either one. There is one thing that irritates me…. as I was going through marriage classes and counseling, she was banging the boy toy. At that time (for whatever reason) I had a young Asian girl wanting me. And as I always did I ran like hell! If only I had known, I would have run away with her!
DavidB, your comment is a trigger for me I am sorry. My ex is 63 years old and his tart is a 23 year old from South East Asia and she has 2 little boys. My ex trawled the gutters (bars) of Phnom Penh for this tramp and the damage that followed has been devastating. The impact has been so bad on me, that I have rid my apartment of everything that has an Asian or Oriental theme or flavour. I loved anything that was Asian but not any longer. So don’t be tempted by that young Asian girl. Just my two bobs worth.
I am sorry Maree! I am not particular to Asian women….. Just so happens that this girl was. Not even sure why or what she was after. She just showed up one day where I worked. Being the person I am, I ran away from it. My point was if only I had known, that my wife was banging a 26 year old….. I might have just went with it. Instead, I was going through counseling and marriage classes thinking we were doing the right thing. Boy was I wrong! Oh and I did the right thing I told my wife what had happened and she got very angry! I think they want to play but we had better be faithful and loyal!
DavidB, thank you for your response. I have read many of your posts and I do know that you are a decent man. It is a comfort to know that there are many decent men in this world and I am sure it is a comfort to you and your fellow male posters, that there are so many decent women in the world also. 🙂
Please don’t get me wrong as I am not against all things Asian. I do have some lovely Asian girlfriends and they despise my ex husband and call him a sleaze, con man and predator. They have pegged him in one !!
Ian, Dude, you crack me up!!! Thank you!!!! 😀
Oh! Remember Kojak? And Joe Satriani. Bald men rock.
and Tom Collicchio
Another great example-Shemar Moore! I would so love for him to call me baby girl! He is bald and I can’t (nor would I want to) imagine him with hair!!
Yo, my family , the men, early receding hairlines and baldness: to that “they don’t put marble on cheap wood.”
Embrace your baldness Ian. I am sure you are still a good sort. !! 🙂
Smart is sexy, Ian. You’re covered.
Use those lovely legs to walk away. Damn, Tracy. You just slammed the lid & nailed that one to the wall!
“It’s over & you’ll just have to take my word for it. ‘Cause you know how good that is”. RUN from this douchebag. His desire for control trumps any shred of love or remorse he has for you. Sure, you may get truckle-truth if he can be persuaded into counseling if threatened with divorce, but narcs like him resent it every step of the way.Heck, my ex offered up all the make-it-right steps but it was more about damage control (preserving his image) than wanting the marriage. Lied to his counselor every chance he got.
The time for your H to call the shots in YOUR marriage is long gone.
Thighs, it isn’t about you and the size of your thighs. About 43 years ago (I know I am old !!), I worked in a University Department and I met a girl who did become a ‘friend’ for a short while. We were both 21 years old and one of the Professors was 31 years old and only 5ft. 4 ins tall and he was married with 2 little boys. Long story short, my ‘friend’ married this Professor when she was 35 years old and still a virgin and she was 5ft. 9 ins tall. So, she was 10 years younger, 5 inches taller and a virgin. They have just celebrated their 29 anniversary and that ‘friend’ has had a charmed life without children to burden her. She has not had to work from day 1. They travel the world twice a year. They also have homes in Melbourne, a beachside resort and Italy. Her husband’s ex wife committed suicide because of this liaison. I do not believe in karma because this ‘friend’ has had the easiest life of anyone I know and all she complains about is illness which is mostly imaginary. Life isn’t always fair and I still to this day think of the poor deceased wife.
He is controlling the situation by protecting the whore’s identify. Ex did the same thing. Admitted dating the slunt, said he wanted a divorce, then hung around, gracing me with his presence.
He lied about the slut’s identify for two primary reasons. I knew her. And so he could continue on with the skag. I’d say that is your husband’s motivation as well. The only way you will get the truth is through phone records. Her number will be in there and you can do a reverse phone search to get the whore’s name. Then throw his ass out.
Unless he goes to Walmart and purchases a burner phone without you knowing it or deletes his history off of the laptop….
Dear Fat Thighs and anyone else who is interested : My husband’s fuckwit had(and has still) the face of a rat. Literally. He referred to her as ” Homely__fill in name here__” for years. He now admits he she made him feel important, bad assed, whatever. He admits to having been a narcissist . They are always “something better”. It’s bullshit. Your thighs are great. YOU are great. He took your trust and love and gave it to a turd. It’s 30 years later for me, and it still hurts, despite admissions and remorse on my husband’s part. If you are still with this guy and he’s telling you to forget it, listen to CL . Dump his ass. PS : Big thighs and but are the new sexy.Go, thighs , go.
Narcissus died admiring the beauty of his reflection. Imagine if you looked in a mirror and it made you look old and fat and sexless. Cheaters can’t stand their reflection in our eyes because we reflect back all the terrible things they are. Easier to smash us into pieces and get a new human mirror.
Spot on Ian.
PS butt, not but. Sorry
Yup, that is the thing you learn down the road of chumpville, that is really has nothing at all to do with us. Initially, he will tell you so indirectly or directly and you will clobber yourself as well. But when some time passes you will learn that it has nothing AT ALL to do with us and has EVERYTHING to do with them.
Can I complete with all my OW, hell no! I could not complete ugly or pretty, young or old, great or low life because it is HE who chose that OW and it is HE who gives her value over your relationship for HIS own self. It really has nothing to do with them either. They are just there to fill his void, needs, lust, fantasies whatever it is he is chasing.
You just happened to have been the one who married him and you are stuck with the mess of HIS assholeness.
I don’t care if you have blue dots on your face and fat legs, are fat, thin, pretty, ugly HE DOES NOT SEE YOU, he devalued you long before that affair. And so long as he has no other supply going on or is unsure of his supply he will string you along. Even him staying with you after this is about HIM and NOT YOU.
You play no role in this relationship anymore but his sloppy leftover string along supply.
Isn’t there an old saying about all cats being black in the dark? I suppose we all have our own criteria for attraction that was programed into our systems from the time we were born. Reality tells me that no matter how much a couch potato who sits in front of a screen admiring various physical traits of different body types paraded before him/her likes and desires said type, the chances that the body type would have reciprocal feelings are minimal.
We shouldn’t feel we have to compete for our love interest, anyway. Attraction might be based on the physical qualities initially, but to have a real relationship, other things are much more important. Do you have the same values, similar backgrounds and dreams, goals? These are the attributes that are most likely to lead to a successful relationship.
My theory is if a relationship is based on lies, it is doomed. It may last for a while, depending on how quickly the lies are discovered, but it just has no chance because there was never anything real there in the first place. My relationships fell apart mostly because I was lied to, but also because I didn’t question my own perception. I was discerning in many areas, but evidently I had a big blind spot when it came to choosing a mate. I believed I saw what I wanted, but I wasn’t seeing reality, I was seeing a mirage. Once I realized that I would get no comfort from an imaginary oasis, that I would end up dehydrated and dying on the desert of life if I didn’t stop believing in something that just wasn’t there, my life greatly improved. I stopped shopping at the Wishful Thinking booth, and moved on over to good ole reliable Reality Stand.
No matter what OW/OM of the moment looks like, they are believing lies, and are liars themselves. No one is telling the truth in those encounters. It’s all about, “What have you done for me lately.” They do the pick me dance to get what they want the moment they want it. Sooner or later, they collapse, because no one can dance forever. When the partners have to look at who they are really dancing with, they won’t want to dance anymore, anyway. All of those moves they did when they believed they were getting something they wanted will just be a big waste of time and energy.
As Chump Lady tells us, just believe they SUCK and move on.
Great post, Portia. The most painful part of the process is dealing with the emotional tornado D-Day and the aftermath, but it is almost as hard to turn away from hating the AP and making the inevitable comparisons to looking at the fact that it is not our looks that got us in the mess; it’s the illusions about our partner that we cling to.
” I don’t know anything about her and he wants me to take his word for it that it’s over. ”
Of course you can take his word for it. He wouldn’t mislead you in any way.
What an asshole he is.
Just sayin I love your taste in music Tracey. Since I booted out cheating bastard Spotify has been a great source of joy for me as I listen to the music I want to listen after 27years of putting up with cheating bastard’s choices
Straight from the horse’s mouth, it was never about what they looked like. In his opinion, ow were never good enough to threatened his marriage?! WTH? It was so about him. Once they agreed to sleep with a married man the ow cheapened herself but sleeping with a married man. Warped reasoning, I know but he manipulated them and me, however I wasn’t aware of the pick me dance competition. I also was a convenient excuse to why he could never marry them. He was on kibble overload. I had three d days with false reconciliation. The last time I spoke with her and suggest she sex him a little better as he was running from divorcing me. I let her listen to conversations we had about her as he lied about her, laughed at her looks, and was generally unflattering. After all she chose to be with a married man.
They were never better….anything. It was all about him and his ability to manipulate and control.
I’ve posted about this before, but I’m writing again for the newbies here and for any further-outs who need a reminder.
The hopium and the brain fog are strong in the chump’s head after Dday, so you need a physical reminder of your cheater’s true self (and that self is the same for the OW/OM.) You need a reminder that they are nothing more than a glittering turd.
Here’s what I did to remember that. I went to the craft store and bought a small package of brown Fimo clay. Cost around $2. I also bought a small bottle of gold glitter paint, cost $1. Took the clay and molded it into the shape of a turd, then hardened it in the oven as per directions. When it was cool, I painted it with the glittery paint, then let it dry. Now I had a golden glittering piece of turd, which is EXACTLY what my ex truly is, his real self. When I started getting misty-eyed thinking he really wasn’t such a bad guy, I took a look at that glittering turd. In fact, I kept it on my nightstand for a couple of years, until one day, I simply didn’t need it any more and I threw it away.
I strongly recommend that all chumps still struggling to grasp this vital fact — some people shine and glitter like gold on the outside, but on the inside they are reeking, vile shit — go ahead and replicate this simple craft. If nothing else, it’s a great conversation piece when friends visit. But I found it very helpful back in those dark days.
My ex’s affair partner was as “ugly as a mud fence” according to all my friends who saw their narc photos on FB. But…..as Tracy says….”doesn’t matter what they look like…it’s how they make the cheater feel” and that was the excuse I got along with his cheating was my fault. Anyway……you are beautiful inside and out and you need to get out as no matter how hard you try, you can never trust fully again and you need to work on your self-esteem–which takes a huge hit on us Chumps. It’s taken me almost 2 years to recover…but I am and I can now look in the mirror and like what I see. Will never question that again!!! Be strong!!
“The cheating was your fault” just means “I am an endless black hole of narcissistic need and you’ve run out of kibbles that work for me.”
Agree. “You caused me to have an affair,” = [Pick one of the following]:
a-You stopped worshiping the ground I walked on, but someone else started to worship me.
b-You were responsible and taking care of kids/the family/the house/your job and stopped paying me attention 24/7
c-I was not your only priority (see b above)
d-you figured out I was a flawed human being, showed that you know it, so I sought out someone I could convince with my impression management skills.
Yeah I feel like back a few years I got a little of this when I was trying to get him to cut it out with the OW. He would go on about how he just really “understood” him and supported him and the like. Meanwhile I’m like WTF am I doing here keeping the house going, providing the health insurance, being the model of a supportive spouse. But the thing is, I also had my own life and I will admit that eventually I stopped caring if he shared it with me or not. There is more to life than working, getting drunk and watching sports. At least to my life.
I served my STBX last night. He has offered to move out, has agreed to mediation, and in general is not being too difficult. I contemplated that he is preparing to move in with OW. This stings, because it’s hard to be left alone while they go off together. But I don’t have what it takes to be his partner. I can’t adore him because I see what an asshole he is. I can’t be a 26 yo idiot who barely graduated college and also has no friends. I can’t engage in his “us against the world” mentality they seem to have because the world is not against me. Because I’m not huge asshole. I met her parents once, at her college graduation party, and I still remember how much her own parents seem to dislike her. It was just all these little cutting comments about how she had fucked up and how glad they would be for her to move out and etc. STBX has this bizarre hate of his family as well (thought they are nice from what I can tell). Like I have asked him if he has been abused because he has such an aversion to them. They seem to understand each other and their completely warped view of the world better than I ever could. I don’t know what he wants, but it’s not me.
Dear Thighs,
Take Tracy’s advice and walk your awesome self away from that disordered asshole as fast as you can with your lined up ducks in tow! You and your amazing chubby thighs deserve way better than you are ever gonna get with that entitled, cowardly boy man!
I saw satan’s other women and WOW! REALLY!!! He blew up our life for THOSE WOMEN? Yeah…it wasn’t about them…it was exactly like Tracy is telling you…it is all about HIM and his entitled inflated ego. Run away from that soul sucking black hole and leave him to it while you go get an awesome life that you deserve!
And when he comes back sniffin around trying to get you back – WHICH HE WILL DO – strut those ‘integrity intact’ awesome thighs of yours in the other direction and don’t look back. Trust me, he got dumped or the ow won’t: 1) cook for him, 2) do his laundry, 3) mother him like you probably do, 4) take care of his life so he can eat cake constantly, 5) whatever other wonderful things you do for him out of love for that asshole that doesn’t deserve you… Get it? It will ALWAYS be about him ALWAYS.
Get yourself a pit bull lawyer and get the hell out of hell!
I really cannot stress this enough…RUN!
Hugs and we got your back!
😀
“he got dumped or the ow won’t: 1) cook for him, 2) do his laundry, 3) mother him like you probably do, 4) take care of his life so he can eat cake constantly, 5) whatever other wonderful things you do for him out of love for that asshole that doesn’t deserve you… Get it?”
Mine went into shock as he now realizes those are not things naturally inherent to the female sex. After all he was so wonderful before women just love to do those things. I feel as though I escaped from Alcatraz!
Amen renewed! 😀 satan complained (before I blocked him totally) that he couldn’t replace me if he tried. LOL! I told him I thought he had tried! Affairs asshole! What were you thinking would happen????
Until I put a stop to it friends and family were sharing fakebook pictures his multiple partners were posting of satan cooking and such for them. LOL!
Yes…they think they are upgrading but…nope…too bad for them!!! 😀
Easter is right around the corner and I know he is on the prowl to find a good home cooked meal. Thanksgiving was a bust as he paid to dine with OW at some lousy restaurant away from his family and all of the holiday festivities. No louging, no gorging himself through out the day, no football games with the kids. Just a little bit of sex after he paid for everything. For this man holiday meals are better than sex.
satan is the same in that respect…home cooked meal = total ecstasy to him. ;D
And now I hear he goes around whinin at anyone that will listen how he ‘misses his wife, misses his life, why hell he even misses that ‘stupid’ dog!’
Stupid (NOT) dog would gladly castrate him if he ever comes close to the ‘wife’ he says he misses so much 😀 I just love that about MY dog 🙂
Because Beau will be recovering from surgery, I’ll step up to the plate and offer to castrate your X. Messy job, but someone has to do it.
I’ll grab a couple chairs and a bottle of that red wine you like and we’ll raise a glass to your remarkable medical talent and watch him writhe about groaning 😀
…geeze…I never knew I had that kind of animosity in me!!!! Oh that’s right…he EARNED it!
I love you Tempest!!!! TRULY! XXXXXXOOOOOOO
If done right, there’s no reason for castration to be messy.
😀 I’ll grab a third chair Ohana!!! And another bottle of wine! 🙂 We’ll just have us a party!!!!!
Thanks for the tip, Ohana! (lol).
I suppose we could drain all the blood from Satan first, right? That would alleviate mess, and make the Red Cross very happy. (course they’d have to test it for Hepatitis, etc. first)
Blood mess might be a moot point where he is concerned…I’m fairly certain he doesn’t have a heart.
STBX told me, giggling, that he “wants to be with young women. all men do.”
He said he started on his [freaky sex] journey because he “wants to feel loved and desired. intimate.”
Apparently anonymous group sex with prostitutes, anonymous sex with Craigslist hookups, and anonymous sex with webcam whores fulfills his “wants.” These encounters help him feel “desired.”
As Inigo Montoya so eloquently put it, “…you keep using that word [intimacy]. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
It’s like these ASSHOLES live in Opposite Land. “Love” means anonymous sex. “Intimacy” means anonymous sex. “Wants” means “I get to secretly do anything I want using all the money.”
I struggle with body image issues (middle aged, menopausal, seriously-what-is-going-on-with-my-hair) but I’ll be damned if i”m going to feel inferior to a fifteen year old sex worker.
And in Opposite Land, apparently there are no mirrors. Because STBX? FAT. DRUNK W/ THE TELL-TALE RED NOSE. SLOPPY. OLD. Yet, desirable? To teens? Huh?
It’s farce.
Yours looks just like mine – but add bald to it doing the comb over from the top of the earlobe in front of the forehead. Then puts a baseball cap on to make it look like he has hair in the front (but it is actually from the side.) He went through more hairspray than I did!!!
Roaring-I think my stbx is your stbx’s brother! He loves the ‘pay for play’ underage girls, porn & Craigslist hookups. He thinks the porn is real…well, it’s real to him. He once told me that as men age, their stock goes up and when women age, their stock goes down. I guess he figured that my stock is now not worth much since I’m in my forties and he believes that the young girls he has to pay really want him….um ok.
Whatever-I could care less now except he had better have enough cash left over from his tweeney-bopper escapades to pay alimony & child support. Have fun & adios M’fing loser!
Two words: wage garnishment. Maybe it’s the other way around: he better hope he has a little bit of money left to keep a woman around after he pays you alimony and child support.
Roaring
It is such a farce isn’t it. My children, son in laws, and anyone he has interacted with him and the slunT talk about their teenaged behavior. The Limited also has the alcoholic red faced look, has aged considerably, and has lost all support including his business reputation. Um.. Do they realize they are NOT teenagers and getting drunk and having to have a driver is not appealing to teens. People think he’s creepy.
He has a mental age of 15 and she is closer to 13. Great match.
My ex-wife left me for a middle aged tattoo artist who has a huge tribal tattoo on half his face, some old English letters on the other half, and some random tattoo’s covering the whole of his neck. This guy has hair like buckwheat, ear lobes the size of coffee cans and I was told he’s not a model for hygiene. Breeds dogs in his backyard and sells drugs out of the house. So.
Michael,
Your tattoo comments caused an epiphany. My stbxh has many tattoos that I couldn’t stand. He got one in particular that I suppose he wanted me to like. It was a pin-up girl in army short-shorts with my face (and my 20 year old body when I was in the army). With the exception of my longer blonde hair I’ve been told I resemble his mother when she was my age. I also have straight white teeth and his mother has buck teeth. He got pissed when his sister asked him why he got his mom tattooed on his arm. It made me cringe then, I’m laughing now. I was just thinking on this when it dawned on me that the OW died her hair blonde and has buck teeth. OMG! He really does have mommy issues.
exhole came home from a *business trip* with a kanji (sp?) symbol tattooed left ankle: would certainly show in a job interview, as himself fancies himself a Preppie, and EVERYONE knows preppies never wear socks with their shoes, doesn’t happen. Trust me, he studied this stuff hard and long to re-invent himself into some kind of Preppie persona, whatever that means.h
Anyhow: coincidentally I have an appointment with my hairstylist (second generation from China and of course trusted confidante) the following Saturday. I ask ex to show his brand new tattoo to my hairdresser of twenty years and she feigns shock and awe—-too freaking funny!
My dear trusted friend and hairstylist tells my ex (in an overly exaggerated Chinese accent, simply for effect: she speaks impeccable English)
that what was actually PERMAMENTALLY configured into his very skin was the (in her Chinese dialect, I understand there are more than a few) the kanji sign for ‘F–you, dumf—-
Impression management to the supreme: both he and that OW begged for quick referrals for dermatology–I’ll never know what OW got but himself got a big ole mess of skin on his bony left ankle. And Margaret, the hairstylist received her usual generous tip (which is great, because so is she)
Focusing on the OW is a common distraction at this point in the proceedings. Its a brain trick to keep you away from the really painful stuff thats happening in the marriage. It’s like worrying about what kind of garbage is in that dumptruck that’s about to hit you. Focus on the truck! Pay attention to the damage your husband is causing right now! Focus on getting yourself safely out of the way!
Completely agree Arlo, his tactic to withhold AP’s identity is a mind trick, it keeps Thighs focused on the AP instead of on the main issue: The fact that she is married to a cheating, lying, coward.
Thighs, the longer you stay focused on the AP, the more your husband controls the narrative. Get your ducks in a row, copies of all financials, wire money to your own account, and secure a lawyer. Then sing like a canary, letting people know that you are divorcing him because you found out about his affair.
It is about to get really tough as once the mask is off, the narc rage or poor sausage channels might be the only ones you will see from your X for the whole divorce proceedings. He is going to fight like crazy to keep you silent, arguing that it will cause family and kids pain etc. I had to remind mine numerous times that it is not my disclosure of facts that created the pain in our family and our kiddo, it was his cheating, lying cowardice that did, but I acknowledged that it was very typically him to shoot the messenger… He raged and moaned, before finally go silent on the issue… Everyone knows what he did. Good riddance.
There is no good choice when you are faced with your spouse’s affair, the least harmful option for yourself is to file for divorce and yep use your strong legs and spine to forge on to Meh.
Arlo,
You make a great point. It’s typically part of the process to focus on the OM/OW for a while.
A lot of us Chumps are further down the road to recovery. We side-stepped the garbage truck.
To other Chumps still fixated on the “other:” if you fix yourself, the “other” won’t bother you in the future.
It’s more about your Cheater, and your picker. Untangle the skein less and less as possible. Cheaters suck.
Slightly irritated because as usual, the comments veered off somewhat into denigrating what people look like – that should not be the point, even if the OW/OM is a POS! I’m in a relationship with someone who is overweight, on the short side and balding. Guess what, he’s kind, generous (in bed and out), emotionally mature and LOVES everything about me that my EX could not stand! So what that my EX called me fat, a sow, said my hair was thin, my face had zits, blah blah blah. He sucks. Turns out the the karma bus is revving up for a smackdown – I just learned the OW he has lived with since June is on the verge of dumping his hairy ass. Yay!
Chumped a lot. Totally agree. The comments often turn ugly calling women fat, men bald, complaining about undersized genitalia, sagging breasts.
I like to think that we are better than that. It is the essence of the person that is important. WE will all be old and saggy at one point. What then?
My ex chose people who looked a certain way and had body issues. He was highly critical of me but his other women were everything he hated. I know that I was stalked on social media and at least in their eyes they felt I was in some way better. Later after reading email and text ow were working hard at emulating me. It was sick.
Nice one, chew.
You know, for the first time ever, I am feeling very uncomfortable reading here. There has been a strange turn here in some of the conversation relating to physical attributes. I know that this is a safe place (and grateful for it!) to open up about our pain and anger, find comfort with those who have been through hell and back, let off steam, say fuckity fuck when we want to and hear much-needed, oh-so-wise advise from CL. And the comfort and sharing from Chump Nation is unparalleled. Hell, if it hadn’t been for this site, I don’t know where I would be – certainly not at mostly-meh and I can’t thank Tracy enough for creating this site and being there for us.
It is unfortunate that the first few paragraph started with the derogatory term of a hareliped drudge. Being, and acting like a drudge, is certainly mostly a choice. Being born with a cleft lip is not a choice, or being born in any way less than perfect for that matter. It appears to have escalated as Chumpedalot and Chew mentioned, into denigrating people’s looks. Just because someone is prettier or more handsome doesn’t make them more deserving of love or better than. I just thought, collectively, we were better than that. We’ve been traumatized and we’ve suffered, insulting others who are less than perfect, does not serve us well.
It just doesn’t sit right, you know?
ChumpedALot
I was just thinking about what the OW could never be, ME. He will never hear me sing, do silly skits with my granddaughter, hear my laughter or voice, be able to call me by my nickname, watch me prepare with joy for holidays, share a memories of our children’s past, be with someone who knows everything about him, or ever have unconditional love or forgiveness. He can never brag about his accomplishments, his family, wife, or the past.
The OW will always represent the loss of his past and the death of any dreams in his future. The Limited gave up everything a normal man would cherish for a fantacy, mind you a grotesque pig.
He will resent her and blame her in the end. She suffocates him with her overbearing neediness. She clings to him and constantly needs reassurance that he loves her. Justification wears thin after spending endless nights alone with a beast after having complete independence to be yourself. He HAD freedoms and rather than embrace them he chose the chains of a whore. I’m hoping she keeps him in the living hell he chose. This in itself is karma. Possesion of a narc by a crazed BJ bar Whore.
Well said, donna!!!
Same here…in the end, as I have (and will continue to) move forward and upward with my life, the OWife/Mrs. Dumb-ass will come to be resented and disparaged by TEO. In the end, nothing good will come from it and he will no one to blame but himself- his own worst enemy.
Unsinkable
She now gets to keep c(o)unt of the others. Lol. I stopped at 18 and there was a 19 last i checked his phone records. And she has no idea about the reuse list that includes two in Florida. I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ it for Mr. I Want To Fuck Stick Dick. At least before he had the family as a backdrop. It’s much more difficult to get pity when you discard your famiky fir a bar whore. What’s the narrative sound like now? Puppy face just try to spin that sob story now that your debt has doubled as your income is as limited as you are. The Vagina Made Me Do It will be his next single poor reviews. Hahaha. I’m loving his fuck over. Self inflicted, hell yeah.
I think it’s natural to obsess about the AP. I think it’s natural to want the old life back, even if it was a mirage. But as Arlo says above, thinking about those things just keeps us in the path of disaster. We need to save ourselves from the abuse of living with a cheater and all the other damage that comes along with it.
Here’s what I learned the long & hard way — there is nothing wrong with you “My Thighs Are Fat”.
OW#1 was similar age, nice looking, very smart, well traveled, adventurous, athletic, had a very good career and at that point had even published a book! I have to admit, I was jealous and felt I couldn’t compete. If it really was true love, then logically my EX would have left me for her. I think she pulled the plug – or gave him an ultimatum (my EX hates to be told what to do) – or maybe he was going to leave me for her but she was clear that she wanted to start a family. I was paralyzed and stunned and felt defeated at DD#1.
OW#2 was 15 years younger than my EX (she was 25 & he was 40), making a ton of money in sales, was fit and looked OK but was not attractive. A week after I turned 40, he moved into a house he purchased with her — telling me he needed “time to think”. Post DD#2 everyone was incredulous and said she was so unattractive. I was just stuck on the fact that she was 25 and I was old (40).
Upon reflection, it is obvious that my EX was running away from me and what was happening in our lives at the time. At the time of OW#2, it was a serious effort to start a family. While he said he wanted to have kids — he really did not. But instead of communicating this so I could find a partner that did want kids — he pursued someone who said she never wanted kids. And he chose to leave me exactly when I turned 40. It is incredibly f*cked up.
It took me a while to figure out what CL and CN is shouting. There is nothing wrong with me and he really is a fucktard.
Sorry, that was a bit long! Forget about what she looks like or who she is — decide if you really want to be with your husband. Is he the kind of person YOU want?
Don’t give up on having children. I know and love two, beautiful women who had children in their forties. Another, on her own, decided to adopt. It is harder being a single parent (I was a single mom of three), but it is heartbreaking to read what happened to you. I hope you have your dream of a family come true.
And when old columns run, or when you read the archives, do you ever wonder what happened to those people? In this case, I hope this woman who hates her thighs (or thinks Cheaterpants hates them, which in her case might be the same thing) figured out that if her husband won’t tell her about the OW, her marriage is over. She’s just the maid, laundress, second income, designated parent, back-up sex partner, and holiday planner.
OW was someone from high school. She remembers dating him and being in love with him and he doesn’t remember her as other than a friend from back then (he has said that repeatedly). She was at my wedding 35 years ago so I have to look at that horse face should I ever look at the album again! My brother in law (husband’s brother) says she is butt ugly- looks like Alfred E. Neuman from Mad Magazine with red hair, and that I am prettier, nicer, smarter. And the ex has said numerous times that she’s not attractive. But apparently the twuest love doesn’t care about looks even though he always told me that i was fat. I am curious about her because she has dogged my life for the past 8 years, even when I didn’t know it. She wanted to step into my shoes. Well, she got her wish. He also protected her and wouldn’t talk about the affair. He never said anything bad about her. That’s because she’s the best! Because anyone who fucks somebody else’s husband and then encourages them to stop paying, is the best! They are a much better match than we ever were.
Same here. Ex W left me for an old high school boyfriend (from 30 years before). Everyone laughs when I tell them. They know how pathetic that is. He does make a lot more than me, but if that’s what she wants, then I don’t want her. She’s pathetic.
He always told you that you were fat? I’m sorry, but that’s not a great thing to say if you want your wife to be hot for you. I hope you start to look in the mirror and realize how awesome you are and that you are too pretty and too good for him.
Thighs, besides sending you a big hug, I would say, memorize every word in ChumpLady’s reply. That way you have it available 24/7 when you start to sink. It hurts like hell, it’s driving you mad, and you have got to find a way to step off the crazy train. We are our own worst enemies in this (and that’s saying something, considering how epically awful it is that our once beloved is now a mortal enemy). ChumpLady and Chump Nation will hold your hand and accompany you on this journey nobody wants to take. As the KT Tunstall song “Heal Over” says, “Everybody sails alone, but we can travel side by side.” We’re with you.
I am not a superstar. I have several wrinkles, I am, unfortunately, underemployed although I possess several practical degrees. At 50 and after several pregnancies, I weigh 100 pounds, lift weights and do aerobic exercise daily, still have long, thick dark hair, try to dress attractively and appropriately, try to be kind to all no matter how hard life is. I tried very hard to emotionally support both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend (who I dated after STBX moved out). Did these positive attributes matter to my STBX or my ex-boyfriend? Only in terms of kibble. When they got tired of day-to day issues of typical living (dealing with elementary school aged issues, like making lunch and taking kids to clinics for check ups, fixing home computers, correctly preparing tax returns) and they found new sources of kibble, they ran. My ex-boyfriend told me that he wanted to run away from me on our anniversary, the day he unofficially broke up with me. I felt awful knowing that his ex-wife abused and repeatedly cheated on him but he kept trying to make things work. However, I bent over backward for him, but he didn’t really appreciate me. He said that I gave him a great ego boost. Then he kicked me to the curb. My self-esteem plummeted as I thought, ‘I must be worthless if he repeatedly accepts abuse from a monster but invalidates me, bends or hides the truth, and dumps me, giving me no chance to try to salvage our relationship.’
I am now well on my way to anorexia (no appetite, wish to die, various types of treatment are not helping at all). My ex-boyfriend won’t even notice my skinny thighs because he is busy chasing young, sparkly and doesn’t hang around places where children congregate. My STBX won’t care because, to him, he is the only thing on the planet that matters.
I share my story mainly to say, ‘Give yourself a break. Loyal partners, colleagues, and friends will.’
RSW–fully get the urge not to eat (or the lack of urge to eat). Get some Pediasure or the adult equivalent–no point adding malnutrition or heart problems to the list of things you have to deal with. Sending hugs.
Thanks, Tempest. I know you’ve always got my back!
RockStarWife, are you taking antidepressants? Sorry to be so blunt but I’ve been through a few want-to-die periods and finally made an appointment next week to see my doctor, hoping some benign chemicals will help break the cycle and give me temporary relief. Those jerks in your life are not worth your life. Think how puffed up their nasty egos will feel at the thought that you killed yourself (through anorexia or however) over them! They’ll put on a sad face for the public (“poor RSW, she had her demons, I tried to help but there was nothing I could do … [fake tear here]”). I hate to think of you this way, and wish I had something magically helpful to say. The thing that echoes in my mind when I read your post is, stop waiting for kindness from men who are not capable of it. Don’t long for it, it doesn’t exist. Treat yourself with kindness as if you were a precious being newly laid into your own arms and completely dependent on you for survival. Hugs to you.
RSW
Exactly! You were taking care of their needs. Mine were never ever considered either. Fuck trying to please the ungreatful. Your needs are important and now it’s time to find a support system and take care of you. You had so much fight. Do not give anyone your power ever again. Fight for you because you ARE worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. You unnecessarily beat yourself up over the actions of others. Take the necessary steps to get back in track. See a nutritionist and find a therapist fir support. We have your back. Call today and be the amazing person you know you are. We are rooting for you.
Thanks, Donna. After being stepped on for so many years, I think that I have become numb to mistreatment and don’t always realize that someone is mistreating me. A bit like someone being knocked black and blue every day getting into a relationship in which the partner only slaps him/her (without provocation) once in a blue moon. Both situations are BAD, but those of us who have been in very bad relationships for a long time sometimes think that the ‘not so bad’ treatment in the new relationship is acceptable!
Hi Fifi,
I’ve tried taking several different types of antidepressants. None seem to have any effect on me.
The image of my STBX and ex-boyfriend at my funeral left an impression on me. I can clearly envision both these guys doing the ‘fake tear scene!’
RSW — how very sad. You sound like a lovely and worthy person and I sincerely hope that you will care for yourself with healthy food with no regard to whether you have an appetite or not. I understand how you feel but please, please don’t give up. Hugs.
RockStarWife
You sound like an awesome person. So sorry you’re hurting. Thank you for helping us all with your story.
Thanks, Ian, for your support and the sharing of your insights.
Thanks, Dixie Chump!
RSW, the compassion and kindness you’re looking for in your boyfriend is already inside of you. Treat yourself like the precious person you are. You can’t control what other people do. Focus on taking care of and loving yourself and your kids right now. That’s all that matters. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help! Hang in there.
Thanks, Lyn!
RockStar DO NOT allow the way those soul sucking assholes treated you to define YOU. Be glad you dodged BOTH those bullets trained on you!
Go outside and smell the awesome air! Look at the amazing clouds over your head! Listen to the bird song!!! Wonderful life is happenin all around you!
The pain you are in is truly finite and it will end soon. I promise! Get up out of it for just 15 minutes and go do something that turns your frown upside down!!! Go do it without the pain! Leave it on the couch grumblin and let it wear itself out while you go dance in the sunshine!!!! I promise if you will do that for just 15 minutes you will get all addicted to the sheer joy of it and want to do it again! Pretty soon you will be able to just stuff that pain in a trash bag and put it out on trash day! You won’t miss that shit at all!
You got this Girl!!! You are an awesome DESIRABLE woman and those disordered assholes won’t know what hit em when they see the real you walk by! Just make sure you don’t hold out your hand to either one of em when they start followin you around! You been there and done that and you know you are too good for either of them! Shake it Girl 😀 Show em your indifference to their second rate attention!!!! 😀
YOU GOT THIS! And WE GOT YOUR BACK! We are all cheerin you on!
Jeep,
Thanks for your support! What you sound about feeling defined by how A–holes treat you reminds me of a paperweight my old military boss (from 25 years ago) had on his desk. It said (approximately) in Latin, ‘Don’t let the A–holes get you down.’
You are so welcome RockStar 😀
Your old boss gave you words to live by 😀 What is that saying about arguing with an idiot??? It will frustrate the crap out of you and put you on their level 😀 Yep, same with these assholes! Don’t let em get you down!
And MOST IMPORTANTLY PLEASE do as Tempest suggested and get some Ensure! I had to in the early days of my hell. I lost 57 pounds in less than a month and I just could not eat. I could hardly leave the house either. I just didn’t feel safe in the world…it was debilitating. I made myself go out and buy some Ensure. Pretty soon I started to feel better and think clearer. You will too I promise! You can’t heal without fuel. Your body needs care now. Take care of you! Don’t let them win. Don’t do it. They are not worth you! GIANT HUGS TO YOU!
Rock Star Wife…please listen to cn. Tempest suggested pediasure. Even if you are not hungry just drink a few cans a day. Consider it medicine that you need.Poor nutrition can make you feel even more depressed. This will pass. You sound so lovely inside and out. You are a giver and givers attract takers. Now give yourself the care and attention you deserve. Put YOU first for a change. Its hard to do but you must. Go outside your comfort zone (go to a movie when youd rather sit at home for example) every day and it will help.
Thanks, Yo.
I agree that malnutrition can negatively affect mood. I just need to keep reminding myself that I didn’t do something horrible to blow up my marriage and last relationship. Thus, I deserve food.
Rock Star Wife, the most important things I learned from being painfully chumped: 1) You have been in a massive trauma and you must give yourself time to heal. 2) Get your life in order. The act of doing that, day after day, helps you heal. 3) Love yourself, as in be supportive of and kind to your self. 4) A man is not the answer. Nor is he the question. I left a 10-year marriage and got chumped in about 18 months. What my therapist taught me was that I got involved with the wrong guy because I didn’t stop to fix both myself and my picker. And while I am dating a very kind man, if he left tomorrow I would of course survive and live to love another day. So too will you.
I paid a lot of money for that advice; CL gives it out for free.
Sweetie, you have kids. Get into some kind of counseling or find a female who can be a support to you while you heal. Both if you can. But your kids are the best possible reason to keep forging on. Hugs and blessings.
Thanks, LAJ!
Oh RockStar, I am so sorry, what assholes they are. Please take Tempest’s advice and make sure you get some nutrition. You do not deserve this, please don’t give up. (((Hugs))))
Thanks, Kelly!
RockStarWife:
It sounds as though you have had a One-Two Punch. You have suffered narcissistic abuse in your marriage and are at some point in the separation/divorce process. You have had what appears to be a narcissistic rebound relationship and have suffered additional narcissistic abuse. It is time to take a step back from romantic relationships and think about yourself and your children. Who are you? What are your likes and dislikes? What characteristics should a friend have? What are your deal breakers? What is important for you to model to your children? Take baby steps – absolute turtle steps – when it comes to letting new people in your life, especially men who could become potential romantic relationships. Be friends first.
Chumptacular,
You ask great questions.
My ex-boyfriend was my friend (or what I thought was my friend) for nearly 30 years before we started dating. I thought that he was a ‘safe bet’ as virtually everyone who knew him thought that he was a great guy. (I still think that he is in some ways, which makes the break up with him even more confusing than the end of a terrible relationship–like the one I had with STBX.) Being what seems to be a good friend does not necessarily equate to being a great partner, though. Romantic partners get to experience what goes on behind closed doors–for better or for worse–and thus get to know people way better than colleagues, friends, etc.
Oh RSW – please accept my cyber-hug [[hug]], I am so sorry life has taken this cruel turn for you. I understand from your previous posts that your ex-boyfriend was a friend of 30 years standing. Is that right? You have been mighty as all hell navigating the shite that your ex-husband and sperm donor has put you through (and it has been particularly evil and pernicious) but you should have been safe with someone you’d known for so many years, as you’d known your ex-boyfriend, shouldn’t you? No wonder you are feeling so low. Yes, and more emphatically YES – of course he should have been a better friend and lover to you. After 30 years you were perfectly entitled to expect him to have seen the ‘you’ underneath, of course he should have cared for the human being he was getting involved with, of course he should have cared for his long time friend. You weren’t wrong for expecting that consideration. I can totally understand why you are devastated now by his discard. It’s not like he was a stranger who didn’t know you, or who you are, or what your vulnerabilities are.
RSW – he was shit. In his mind it was all ‘shit and giggles’ when it turned out to be a lot less ‘footloose and fancy free’ as his fantasy imagined, he simply balked at it. Sadly, your romance with him was based on a fantasy he had (I suspect he’d held a candle for you for many years, sadly the fantasy didn’t evolve as your life evolved – so he didn’t factor in reality. Your relationship with him was doomed because the real you didn’t stay stuck in the cellophane wrapper of his fantasy of you). He was enamoured of a fantasy he created of you, and disappointed that you were not, in reality, the fantasy he imagined. You are you, warts and all (and you are worthy of love) he believed he loved you I guess, but who he loved was a manikin dressed like you in his head. When I was 17 I was totally in love with Mel Gibson’s Mad Max. Truth is Mel Gibson isn’t, and never was, Mad Max. Had I had a relationship with Mel Gibson and left him because he wasn’t Mad Max who would have been the idiot? Him for not being a character he’d portrayed or me for being disappointed he wasn’t the character I’d imagined he was? ‘The Great I Am’ played a character I was ultimately disappointed by – perhaps I was the fool, but with Mel Gibson at least, he was openly being an actor playing a part.
At 1001bs you aren’t weighing enough to have the luxury of the ‘trauma diet’ (god, I lost so much weight after D Day). You have to eat. If you are so low at the moment that you can’t see why YOU MATTER enough to eat, well, you have your children and you matter to them. Ensure is the name of the nutritional drinks for adults that Tempest refers to. You’ve got to get some of them and get them down your neck. Treat them like medicine. You have to take them. I understand there’s a part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve to be fed – you have to fight that. You do of course deserve to be fed, you are of course beautiful, unique and wonderful all in your own right – there is no other RSW on this planet, never was and never will be. RSW has been hurt by other people’s fantasisies and illusions and self-indulgences, but their opinion is worthless because RSW is still the same unique and wonderful human being despite their self-centred opinions.
I am wishing you strength for every second of the day. I am hoping for food in your stomach and hope in your heart.
With love xxx
RSW, hugs Sweetie, neither one of them was anywhere worthy of you. Keep on stepping, it will get better. Your worth is not dependent on them. You have worth just because you are you. Take care of yourself Sweetie.
Thanks, Tessie, for your support and inspiration.
Jayne,
You nailed it (very eloquently)! Thank you for putting into words what I could/did not. I bet that you are or could be a great psychotherapist!
Thighs, my ex left me for the Ms. Scrunchie. It was quite shocking. We always expect the OW/OM to be more beautiful, younger, smarter, blah, blah, blah. They are all ugly on the inside. I knew at that moment it wasn’t me, it was him. It still hurt though. I was devastated. Self-esteem took a nose-dive. I became very vulnerable. Your world comes crumbling down, ya know?
I think you should ditch the man who doesn’t know your worth. Run!!
My fucktard ex-boyfriend cheated with a very masculine looking woman with a mullet. I believed she was just a “friend” because she looked like she should be dating women, but it wasn’t about her looks or even her orientation. People were surprised when I showed them her picture – they thought she’d be hot. It might’ve been easier to take it and move on if she had been.
I suppose this proves it’s a no-win situation – if the other person is better somehow, then you feel like crap that you don’t measure up; if the other person is worse somehow, then you feel like crap that you were left for something worse.
In other words, it’s not about the other person, it’s about the cheater and the act of cheating itself.
And I always think, it the mistress was so great, why wouldn’t she do better? Why not find a single, available man who isn’t a known cheater?
When I found out who the OW was, it jerked me back to reality about how much BETTER that I am. My OW was the ugliest, most obese beotch, truly horrible. And she was nasty to me even when I told her he was all hers, and to puleeze never send him back!
Looking back, I now see that he was chasing someone he knew he could control. As an independent professional, I now see how intimidating I must have been for him. Cheaters find their own level, and often that level involves bottom-feeding.
Dear Thighs,
There are many women who are prettier than you–or smarter or richer or better light-bulb-changers.
And it is time for you to stop caring about their existence.
There are many men who are more handsome than your husband–or smarter or richer or better light-bulb-changers. And lots of them would have been thrilled to sleep with you no matter what size your thighs are, but you did not cheat with them. (You might not have even noticed their willingness, but that is because you are a person of integrity, and you were not shopping around.)
The problem is not with how you look or how other women look but with how your husband is behaving. Did your wedding vows have a clause that allows him to cheat if the other woman is beautiful? If she is really beautiful? If she is really, really beautiful? I think not.
Right now, you sound like his secrecy is making you feel fearful and humiliated. I hope it soon makes you mad instead. I don’t care if your thighs are big enough to warrant their own GPS location, you still would not deserve to be cheated on. Do your best not to accept the sense of inadequacy that is being served to you. Please go talk to a therapist, a lawyer, or both.
The fact of the matter is that you are far too pretty for this jerk.
Can I get an AMEN! I could say Amen all day to the above statement! You are far too pretty for him. Focus on that and get mad enough to stand up for yourself.
In my case – I don’t believe I have a serial cheater on my hands. I have an emotionally stunted narcissist who never really matured much past “bro” stage. Of course I grew up. I advanced my career, I enjoy a cocktail, but I don’t get hammered every weekend. We bought a house and everything that goes with that. As I continued to grow and mature, he almost went backward… acting like a spoiled teenager who pouted when he didn’t get his way and bitching about anything that looked like a grown up responsibility. Even my own father who is very kind and never says a mean word about anyone said “Yeah, M never seemed to really grow-up all the way. He seems to be resentful of having to be an adult.”
The HoWorker is almost young enough to be his daughter (if he had started young) and was still in college when they started getting close. The handful of times that I hung around them together it was so fucking annoying because it was this like 25 year old girl and this 40 year old man talking and gossiping like a couple of teenagers. They texted all the time. They spent all their time on social media looking at pictures and literally being like “Hey, look at this cat”. He got involved with her not because she is younger or prettier or something (very subjective anyway), but because they related at the same level. And it’s a level I simply can’t be at. I can’t be at the level of a 26 yo who barely graduated college, has multiple DUI’s, and acts like an immature brat. But he’s just above her in terms of maturity, so that makes him feel special superior. Good riddance.
CAGal, I know the type!
Another red flag I finally learned to recognize is when a grown man says, “I’m really a little boy” or “I don’t want to grow up” or “It’s boring to be a grownup,” he’s telling me the truth. Later on, I’ll find that I’m trying to solve problems or have a mature conversation with a child inside an adult body. It’s impossible.
It’s great to be able to play like kids together. We shouldn’t lose our sense of wonder and fun. However, the grownup man (and woman) has to show up when handling real life responsibilities and participating in a relationship partnership.
“Partnership”. There is a word that some married people just don’t get. Yes, when two people are married they should be on the same team. The should be working together as partners in life. Unfortunately, some marriages become a “dick-tatorship” instead of a “partnership”. Betrayed men, feel free to add your own play on words for a female cheater.
>>>>>>>He got involved with her not because she is younger or prettier or something (very subjective anyway), but because they related at the same level. And it’s a level I simply can’t be at. I can’t be at the level of a 26 yo who barely graduated college, has multiple DUI’s, and acts like an immature brat. But he’s just above her in terms of maturity, so that makes him feel special superior. Good riddance.<<<<<<<<
Yep, THIS ^^^^^^^^^ In my case, he has nothing more than a jail-house GED, has a felony record(s), but the rest of what you said is spot-on with my ex-
Amen, sister!!!!
Affairs are not about the looks of the AP, but how the AP makes the cheater feel. The cheater has been aggressively pursuing and lovebombing the AP. Of course the AP is going to be flattered by this intense display of attention and affection. It would only be natural that the recipient of lovebombing reflect back to the lovebomber that they are pleased by these efforts. So the way the AP makes the cheater feel has been manufactured by the cheater. Had the cheater performed the same effort with the chump, no doubt the chump would have been pleased with the effort as well. However, the chump is “old” and the AP is “new” so the cheater expends his effort where he believes it will yield the greatest reward.
I’m afraid that I got stuck on the “drudge with a hairlip” bit.
Being a drudge is a choice. Having a cleft lip is not a choice. It also implies total ugliness, both inside and out. In most places, referring to a hairlip instead of a cleft lip is derogatory.
People born with a cleft lip did not have a choice.
Agree…I was taken aback at that unfair insult too. We cannot control the physical characteristics we are born with. It doesn’t make us less worthy of love and faithfulness, if we are not perfect. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I also agree. It’s below the belt. And, frankly, so are FAT words. They usually apply to women, except for a few experienced chumps here that call their husbands Fat..so, I dunno. To me, I never really noticed the decline in muscles and his more-dense belly – well, not much – but, I also never really noticed when he went from a professional body-builder (is that a Hunk? – not to me) and, worst time of my life living with a guy on your honeymoon year that couldn’t have sex because it fucked up his training..) and once his affair started at 58 and he had kicked off exercise and became extremely Heavy (is that a good word?). She LOVED to cook for him…3 yrs. I don’t get bringing up the physical aspect or defects of this topic at all. We all have our weird afflictions; like I was born with buck teeth and was teased. (finally got braces as 30) Went to school with Polio little girls in heavy braces – they were ostrasized because everybody thought they might be contagious. One beautiful girl became a good friend to me and told me all about what her issues were.
Thank God that’s gone..
I never bullied anybody and I protected the ones who were bullied.
Meanwhile, he left me with 580#’s of Great Danes. They all had to be exercised daily.
So, I was busy after he landed on the curb I thew him on, picking up his few things.
He chose to say, okay – you get all the dogs. I’m turning my back on all of you.
I didn’t even have time to get out of shape.
Until I got injured by too many dogs and spent 2 yrs unable to walk, so I gained a bunch of weight. Couldn’t help it! So did dogs..
Making any birth-conditions, weight issues, whether too skinny or too fat, who are WE to judge anybody? I have far too many glass windows myself.
I drink too much, one cocktail, one(or 3) wines with dinner. I smoke too much pot (it’s legal here, but only a little puff here and then and it’s relaxing – not a pot head), my healthy habit is getting the dogs out for exercise, but I’m only down 2 big dogs. I think I need 4 more to really keep me on my toes. 🙂 Now that I’ve healed physically.
Meanwhile – The Heavy Old Man of 60+ something is spinning around in his fancy new sports car somewhere and I don’t give a damn.
He has no friends.
I guess we all have to watch our words sometimes.
I’m still sort of hurting about the ‘snoring’ comments.
I’m a snorer and so humiliated about it.
But, it’s very hard to control something you can’t.
I find little women all the time that snore like a train like me. We are very deep sleepers.
So – KUDOS to those folks that have to live with partners who can’t help snoring.
You don’t know, maybe we had a Cleft Palette that was fixed at birth.
My tiny mom snored, and she worked so hard for 12 hrs a day and that sound was soothing to me. Because, she was alive, for one…and she deserved a very good sleep!
Give me a snorer anyday.
So, like all of this~~let it out and then, let it roll off your back. That’s what makes this site so good.
Shechump, I am going to try keep your words in mind about letting this roll off my back and try to let this go. You’re right, but it is stinging ………… This is a personal issue for me and it opened up wounds that I didn’t expect to be faced with in this day and age – and least of all on a site I come to that I perceive as a safe haven.
Added to the mix, I also used to be the protector of those subject to schoolyard bullying because someone was born with an imperfection.
It was an unfair, uncalled for insult and it was below the belt.
I love how you view your Mum’s snoring – she worked hard, deserved to sleep well and it meant she was still here…….I hope you allow yourself the same latitude……..
((((Hugs))))
I was a little surprised by the scrunchie comment. Maybe I’m unusual, but they’re useful. I like them. Not that I wear them all the time…
I personally feel like people who are kind get more and more attractive. People who aren’t get less and less attractive. I was still attracted to my ex when he decided to shave off his hair and when he got a food belly. I was no longer attracted to him when he started being as mean as he could be.
8 miles away, from our family home was the love shack he hooked up with OW in. B-hotch scrubbed the internet clean of her image. I don’t know if they are together, till this day I’ve never seen a picture.
I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. I know the affair is about the morals of the cheating spouse, now my X, little to do with OW. Still like to know what he left me for.
My ex’s AP’s and group sex partners? Women who look like men, skanky hair, one has a Miss Piggy face and the other is seriously frightening looking in a large and even more manly kind of way. Ex cheated on me for over 15 years with THAT. Then after D-Day and divorce, he married one of them–the one I simply refer to as “Miss Piggy.”
Can’t. Make. This. Up.
Thank you, Chump Lady, for rerunning this blog post!
For all the new people, yes, it is totally normal to obsess about the AP. As GladItsOver said, this is completely normal for the new Chump. Your brain is confused and you want to know what the OW/OM has that you don’t.
Go read “Untangling the Skein of Fuckedupness.” That’s what you’re trying to do. You wonder what YOU did that made him/her cheat. The hard thing to remember is that cheating is a CHOICE! IT is truly about kibbles and cake.
Your cheater believes that he (or she) is entitled to cheat. Period. End of conversation.
Anything they tell you is an excuse they use in their own heads to justify Why They Are Not Dog Turds for cheating on you. Not even Cheaters like cheaters! Instead, they spackle to themselves: the marriage was dead, the affair is a Love Not to Be Denied, the Chump let herself/himself “go” (but it’s okay for the Cheater to have that middle aged paunch or flabby skin).
The point is that they can’t admit to themselves that they’re flaming dog turds for cheating!
Cheating isn’t about looks. It’s not about money. It’s not about age. It is all about choice. Our cheaters chose to cheat with people who find nothing wrong with having sex with other people’s spouses.
Once you get to the point where you can say, “Fuck them all,” then you are on your way to healing.
Funny thing is…. not only did she go way down in her affair partner choices…. He was 26 and engaged to be married. He went wayyyyyy wayyyyyy wayyyy down in his also…!!!! His bride to be is a hot little 20 something blonde. So in both cases they screwed down!
And now if you choose to find someone else, you can go way way up in your choice of a partner.
Being left to wonder who?what?when?how? – Is she prettier than me? Is she sexier than me? Is she younger than me? Is she wittier /cleverer / more sparkly / more ‘the goddamned bomb’ than me? – to be left with those questions – and a point blank refusal to ease your mind … Yep, that’s what loving one of these tossers looks like. Honest to God, I fucking hate this particular flavour of cheating arsewipe. Oh, got balls enough to cop to the affair but absolutely nothing in the gonad department when it comes to mitigating a little of the horror the poor chump is going through. Ask anyone going through hell and everyone will say they would want to know the full picture – someone waiting for their oncology results (is it cancer, is it not)>, someone waiting to hear about the welfare of someone they love (are they alive, are they dead)? Even the worst case scenario is better than the torture of not knowing. I fucking HATE these gaslighters. Had one myself and I begged him to tell me the truth. I begged him to put me out of the misery my imagination was running riot over. Love does not look like this.
In my case, my ex- first had a long-distance love affair with an old high school girlfriend from January – April of last year. I did not find out about it until last June, but I KNEW he was cheating on me.
In March-April of last year, he was chasing after a woman that had no interest in him in the end- she met him only once and after he got out of his truck she left 5 minutes later (hahahahhaaaa) and never spoke to him again.
He met OWhore in June and has been with only her (and me when I was doing the “pick-me” dance) since.
I am sure there have been others that he has been with even briefly, but has never confessed to.
ALL of these women were no matter to me- I never really thought much of who or what or why they were with him, I have always been more of the mind that HE is the one that pursued them; he is the one that chose to step out on me; he is the one that lied, cheated, and stole from me. Regardless of whether or not these women are/were Playboy Centerfolds, Waffle House waitresses, or CEO’s of a Fortune 500 companies, it is HIM and his shitty character, lack of values or morals, and low to zero integrity that I have an issue with.
@MyThighsAreFat: As CL says, “Trust that he sucks” because he does. No matter what he wants you to think, any attempt to shift the issue from him to you is a ploy to deflect his shitty character.
We here in ChumpNation are here for you- be mighty!!!!
I also think some of the cruel things cheaters say is an attempt to knock you down. They need to brainwash us to believe we suck. If we get wiser, we will realize they suck and leave before they are ready to run off with their tru wuv.
ChumpLady (Tracy 🙂 ) Thanks for the music post.
I love the blues. I love Jackie Wilson. There are so many really beautiful renditions of this song without having to lose the melody 🙂 The ‘Londonderry Air’ is a traditional Irish folk tune that the words of ‘Danny Boy’ were added to many years later – it’s origins are a mystery – but it still haunts and it still tweaks the heartstrings. While it’s a novel surprise to hear the words to ‘Danny Boy’ to another tune, I still prefer to hear it song to the ‘Londonderry Air’. Happy St Patrick’s Day … the pipes, the pipes are callin’ …..
following
For anyone who needs an emotional boost just google “stars without makeup”. You will feel so much better.
My ex HATED fat people. Really hated them. Hated me when I went up to 140lb aged 45. He left for a woman weighing at least 200lb, older than me. I’m now 120lb with a new man 10 years younger who loves every pound of me at the age of 55. GO ME! (It gets better, it really does) x
🙂 Go you! Also, I’m short and got up to almost 140 in my post divorce blues and my friends still referred to me as the skinny one.
OW in my situation is older than I am by 2 years, hasn’t really done much with her life. I don’t want to go on and on, but let’s just say that she can’t hold a candle to me educationally, financially, maternally, and probably in many other ways. On the other hand, she really is very pretty, very natural. She is blonde, and xH has always had a thing for blondes. I was always made aware of it, too.
OW apparently has low expectations, and I really think xH thrives in that. In a way, I guess maybe that’s sort of sweet.
They’re both really enjoying an outdoors lifestyle, mostly on a boat, but with her small dogs. He hates dogs.
You know, I gotta believe she is more her type than I am. That used to hurt something awful. It no longer does. I’m 5 years out from d-day. I now know that we are not compatible.
Truly, of course, I know nothing about her, nor about their life together nor their relationship. For all I know he is cheating on her, or she on him, or they fight a lot, or he takes off to be alone just as he did when married to me. For all I know he yells at her about the dogs. He’s probably still passive-aggressive, and maybe she tries to manipulate him. I really have no idea. I can’t imagine their life is perfect. I can’t imagine what it’s like to know that your relationship is forever tainted by the way it started, by all the collateral damage that was incurred, at the expense of your kids and a wife who, for all my faults, was pretty good as far as marriages go. That’s gotta weigh heavily on one’s happiness. I have no idea if either of them are truly happy.
I used to hope neither one of them was happy. Now, I really don’t care. I’m sort of curious about what their life is like, but only mildly so.
We do not communicate at all, in spite of sharing adult children. I haven’t spoken to him in probably 4 years, and I might get one e-mail per year that I reply to as succinctly as I possibly can–as in, 2 sentences, without any salutations nor pleasantries. Just the facts.
I’m not threatened by OW. I would not trade places with her, ever. I’m almost to the point of being grateful that xH is not my problem, that he is satisfied with a life apart from me, that she is taking care of him, and that I no longer have to put up with the stress that existed in our marriage. She’s a pretty little home wrecker who fancies herself a rescuer, and that’s fine with me. Truly, xH was the home wrecker who broke up our family for her. But I have a really good life now–better than when I was married. I actually would be grateful to her if it weren’t for how the two of them hurt my kids. And yet? They’re really doing ok, actually.
Life is pretty good here in Meh.
I’m glad you got to meh. I doubt they are happy. The two of them have no problem screwing anyone over. Now, they live together under one roof. How can that be pleasant? While my ex and the OW broke up, the situation with his new wife reads like a Jerry Springer show. He still has the same traits that drove me crazy. I used to cry over the rejection, now I’m just so happy I no longer live a drama filled life.
This post….I have lived with these issues for a year and a half. Before DDay1, I strongly suspected one of cheater’s co-workers and he were having an emotional affair. I was never able to confirm more than an emotional affair (one sided on his part, according to him but I’ll never know for sure) but once he blurted out that he had feelings for her, I fixated on her for almost a year. She was prettier and thinner – at least in my mind. Then after DDay2 with a different co-worker, I again fixated on what is now his official mistress. In both cases the women appear to me to be both more attractive. My friends and family tell me I’m crazy and that they are both ugly, but it falls on deaf ears because I think “of course someone who loves me won’t admit the OW are physically more attractive.” Intellectually, I realize it has nothing to do with looks and personality. But it’s taking quite a bit of time for my heart to catch up. For 12 years I never caught cheater so much as looking at another woman. Its a blow to the system and I’m still trying to catch my breath. One day I’ll like the Bear I see in the mirror again.
Chump Bear–you’ll start liking Bear faster once you dump Cheaterjerk and go NC. Have you done that yet? No point putting up with someone treating you like that; leave him and make sense of it later. Big hugs!
He left 7 months ago and haven’t seen him since. He told me he had to think about what he wanted, said he was sorry, clapped me on the back like I was a guy and then ran out the door with almost literally just the clothes on his back. A couple of months later I found out he had a girlfriend while he was telling me he was working late every night and weekend and trying to get his head sorted. It’s been complete NC since October with the exception of one email exchange in November when I found out he stole money from my 5 year old nephew to fund his affair and asked him to pay it back. Nothing since.
I’m proud of you. Stealing money from a 5 year old to fund a mistress? It doesn’t get any classier than that.
I don’t feel like I’m focused on the ow, so much as her “type” and my husband’s obvious attraction to it, and the fact that I am not that type anymore. And obviously it’s not my fault. Everybody gets old. I know for the women on the site where he found her, it’s just a job. They put themselves out there hoping for stupid men to send them money. Obviously a lot of men do. I doubt very many men travel to their country (eastern Europe) very frequently (though I could be wrong), so it’s nearly all online. Which is all the better for feeding the fantasy. The girls’ involvement with the site does indicate a lack of character – I asked my husband what he would think of our daughter, just a few years younger than ow, if she was on a site like that, accepting cash and gifts from a 50 year old man who didn’t even speak her language, but insisted they were “soul mates”. Sounds pretty bad when you think of it that way. I know intellectually that it’s not about me. I’m not doing anything differently – I know if he wants to cheat he’s going to do it and I can’t stop him.
As someone else said, I have developed an aversion to things associated with the country where ow lives. If I see a young woman who has a similar accent or anything exotic about her appearance – in addition to being very young – where I would have merely noticed before that she was attractive, I now can’t even bear to look. My daughter used to have a music teacher who fit the description – whereas before I would have thought nothing of it, I now would resent her for being the “type” if I had to be around her, even knowing that she herself is totally innocent and has done nothing to me. I used to even point out women that were attractive – I was that secure that my husband wasn’t one of “those” men. It’s isn’t the ow herself, it’s the knowledge that regardless of what he may say, I am no longer a person he finds attractive. All while he is still as attractive to me as he ever was.
I was downtown last week and saw a man who had to be nearly 60 with his very petite, very beautiful, very young Asian wife. He probably thought he looked quite studly with this girl, but he looked like a complete idiot. They could not possibly have anything in common. I bet he has an ex who looks a lot like me.
I’m sorry. I know it hurts when the one you love no longer treats you as if you’re beautiful. As I’ve learned though, there may be tons of other people out there who do still find you attractive.
One of the things I love most about this site is finding out, over and over, that my ex and everything about his cheating and affairs were all run-of-the-mill, typical and clichéd nothings.
Needed to prove his desirability? Check.
OW needed to prove theirs? Check.
All either fat cows or cheap trash? Check.
So many of the replies I read here make me feel like we were all married to the same person and that as chumps, we’re all the same people, too. The affairs are all the same and so are the reactions. In this post, everyone keeps basically referencing how the cheaters and their affair partners are usually birds of a feather and that totally takes me back to one of the conversations I had with the ex where as I was bitching him out and making him come clean, I came to the realization that he and these other women were just alike, which is why and how they were all okay with the secrets and lies and deceit. Why that was such an epiphany for me, I’ll never know, since it seems so obvious now. Duh!
But at least it’s a comfort to know that the cheaters are all pathetic carbon copies of each other and the chumps’ reactions to it are normal.
Lastinline me too. It has been an amazing comfort and gift to me in my time of hell. I am a bit of the local scandal right now, but people on here have gone through so much worse. It is hard to believe how alike cheaters are. There are variations of course. Some are outgoing, always charming. Others are dour and controlling; But they are all selfish, self pitying, and blame shifting. Hmm whats the best way to place blame on others for what they’ve done wrong? But the best part is reading about how others are in meh. And how a chump’s healing has phases. I will heal over this, I will move into meh and I will be wiser and make better decisions. I will not date anybody who puts me on a pedestal or constantly feels sorry for themselves.
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The spell caster? Uh huh.
I think this has brought out insecurities in some of the chumps here, which is understandable. My OW is overweight/obese…it’s a way to describe her, nothing more. Some people here seem to be taking that as a personal attack but it really is just a descriptive term. My OW also has fucked-up teeth and no neck. It is what it is. No disrespect to the chumps who have issues with certain aspects of their own looks, but it’s not aimed at you. People are only venting. In no way is it meant to hurt anyone who is already feeling low.
Maybe it’s not nice to talk about somebody that way, but it’s how some people deal with their feelings. It’s natural to compare and to analyze the AP. We all have flaws but I admit that I gloated a bit when I saw how unattractive she was.
At the same time, I also felt bad because he, his family and his friends had always been cruel to me about my appearance and yet there he was…showing off this woman who was obese and not pretty at all. I’m not saying that I’m perfect but I know that I am prettier than she is. I have a better body (maybe not so tight anymore, but still nicer than hers).
I’m more feminine. I have pearly white teeth that aren’t crooked. I have a neck. Not a model, but I know I look good compared to her. I also have a better character because I don’t screw around with other people’s partners. So there’s that too.
Comparisons can be cruel and sometimes immature, but they are part of the process. She has big boobs and I’m an A cup, so maybe that’s where she is “better” than me, lol.
While some comparisons may be insensitive, I hope that chumps who feel self-conscious or insecure (for whatever reason) don’t internalize what is said here. It’s not a personal insult to you. You all seem like an amazing bunch of people and we all have insecurities. Sometimes people just need to vent about the AP and trashing their looks is one way to do it.