First of all let me thank you and Chump Nation for guiding me through the turmoil of my wife’s infidelity. I stupidly pursued the pick me dance which damn near killed me. I now only seek forgiveness from myself for my 4 month dance. However, my question to CN is this — has anyone else been sideswiped by so called friends who seem to abandon the betrayed and carry on with the cheater as though nothing has happened?
Since my split, a couple who we are both friendly with have completely abandoned me. My STBXW is always around there, but they have not invited me in over a year. In addition, the woman was cheated on by her husband a couple of years ago. Therefore I thought at least she would be sympathetic to my plight. Instead she now completely ignores me. My question is — has anybody else on CN encountered this or is it just me? I could do with some help and advice at the moment.
I’m sure you’ll get a giant show of hands on the Switzerland friend question. Anyone out there treat you like you’re a contagion after chumpdom and divorce? Oh sure. And you know what? It’s a gift. Just like losing a cheater is a gift. If someone sees you go through the most painful, wrenching experience of your life and feigns “neutrality” about it? You don’t share the same values. This person isn’t your friend. Demote or cull your social register accordingly.
As for your particular situation, I’m not surprised those people want nothing to do with you. He’s a cheater and she’s reconciling with him. Your choice to divorce is probably very threatening to both of them. It scares the cheater because you represent sedition — you aren’t pick-me dancing. You’ve fomented revolution and left. You’ve ceased kibble production. Your dangerous ideas might rub off on his chump. We can’t have that! Failing book burning and censorship, snubbing you will have to suffice.
The reconciling wife probably wants nothing to do with you, because you’re threatening to her as well. If there is a narrative that You Drove Your Wife to Cheat on You by your inadequacies, and then you were a terrible hard ass who Couldn’t Forgive, and who failed to win the pick me dance? She can compare herself favorably against you and feel “safe.”
Oh, Britchump didn’t improve himself. Britchump was bitter and unforgiving. Britchump couldn’t get past it! But NOT ME! I’m SAFE! I’m going to WIN this! Britchump did not follow the Save Your Marriage recipe perfectly and that is why he failed.
Your example calls into question her own choices. Now, we could argue, if either of these people were truly secure in their choices to reconcile, they could maintain their friendship. Or at least do a better job at “neutrality.” But my guess is they aren’t as secure as they want everyone to believe. Your ex is more easily snowed.
Finally, Britchump — divorce means losing family and friends. It’s just one of the sucky things about it all. It could simply be that they like your ex-wife better than they like you. So again, ask yourself — if they like the cheater better than they like you — what’s that say about their character? Are these people good enough to be YOUR friend? Going through divorce does highlight, often in stark relief, who’s got your back and who is a waste of space.
Not every relationship is worth saving. In marriage or in friendship. I’m sorry these people weren’t worthy of you — now go invest in some people who are. ((Hugs))