I’m going to admit to you something that I can barely admit to myself: I thought I had a unicorn but I am starting to think that it is maybe a goat with a cheap plastic horn taped to its forehead.
Two years ago I found out my charismatic and brilliant husband of 5 years was having an affair. OK, I had suspected for a while and even asked him about it but he denied it and said I had nothing to worry about. My husband, “Mike” is a political blogger and spends ALL his waking hours updating his blog, so this had already started to be a bit of an issue in our marriage but he told me that this was his future livelihood — he said that a major news company would buy the blog for millions one day — and then we could retire.
He met his OW via the blog but she lived in a different country so when I first suspected I thought it was an emotional affair (EA), I saw a message she wrote him on Skype (which he had open and used constantly every evening when I was sitting right near him, he was talking to her) saying she wished she could wake up beside him. I freaked out but he said she’d sent it him by mistake, it was meant for her boyfriend. So D-Day happened AFTER he brought her to our country, and rented a house for them both — I found the letter from the rental company, he was planning to leave me after he moved her in there. She is 15 years younger than him, we are in our 50s.
He sent me a letter saying that OW was the love of his life and he hoped one day I would meet someone who I would love this way too and that he had never experienced love and passion like this and that OW was his soulmate. I was crushed. It came out that OW hadn’t known he was married, he had only mentioned his divorce from his 1st wife (I am his 2nd wife, yes he broke up with his first after she found some love letters he sent to some woman much younger than him). I was devastated. He moved out that night, we agreed that I would buy him out of our home and he bought a love nest for him and OW.
They lived together for 9 months and his mom told me that they were trying for a baby, well that clearly didn’t happen, because he threw the silly cow out after they had been arguing over the amount of time he spent blogging. I got this from his teenage kids who spent one night a week with them and one night with me, the rest with their birth mom (who hates “Mike”). “Mike” came running back to me in tears saying that he loved me all along and it was a mistake with her and he had been in a “fog.”
So I let Mike back, I will admit that I was really happy, he said that I had won, during the 9 months I pick me danced like crazy, bent over backward to praise him, look after his kids whenever he wanted… even did some shopping for him one time. My friends thought I am mad.
We went to see a counsellor who said that I had to take some of the blame because we had let the relationship go stale and I had stopped trying to be sexy etc.
Anyway Mike was very attentive at first, then gradually he is back being with his nose in his blog all day and in the evenings, I have banned Skype so he can’t chat to other women that way, and I imposed a curfew after which he can’t blog anymore each evening, but it is like before, he is physically there but his mind is on the blog (or somewhere). I know he is brilliant and needs to do the blog and that one day maybe it will “hit gold” as he puts it… but it’s lonely here.
He said that he had gone “cold turkey” on the OW, and was no contact but recently and what prompted this letter I found (OK so sue me I snooped) some correspondence just after she moved out where he said he wanted to stay in touch with her because he “had to be a good husband and a good dad, but he wanted to live a little too.” She replied that if he was “back with his wife then he could not be in touch with her” as it was cruel and he was a liar and there was some ranting about how he had told her the marriage was dead, so why did he lie about that? He also mentions her on his blog every so often which he says is just business. I don’t think they are in touch, but it looks like he tried to be.
So is this just the long hard slog of reconciliation? He says he loves me. But even though I know he is a special person and maybe I should cut him some slack and keep trying, I feel uncomfortable sometimes.
You’re a living example of why no one should ever “win” the pick-me dance.
This is what you won — a serial cheater, an entitled freeloader who you have to police, and who has the attention span of a gnat. #winning
What are the chances this guy is faithful? About as likely as the odds he will sell his blog and “make millions.”
Uh, Carole — bitchslap yourself. You bought him out of your house, help raise his kids, play second fiddle to his fantasy blog there, accept his disrespect, and take him back with ZERO consequences — how exactly do you propose to cut him more slack?
It sounds like he does whatever he wants, and you go along with the preposterous belief that he is Brilliant. You could asphyxiate yourself with the amount of hopium you’re huffing. This guy is a LOSER.
When he says “I love you,” in narc-speak that’s “You’re of use to me!”
The real question Carole, is why are you putting up with this shit? Why have you made your needs so, so nonexistent? Why do you think you need this creep? Why are you accepting the notion that he was in a “fog” and is not an average-issue entitled fuckwit?
Oh, and speaking of fuckwits, fire your therapist. Yeah, he cheated because you aren’t sexy enough? If she wonders why you fired her, tell her she wasn’t sexy enough.
Carole, this shit stops when YOU SAY IT STOPS. You’re not in reconciliation. You never were. This guy isn’t remorseful, there have been zero consequences to his appalling behavior, and he is STILL pining for his OW — mentioning her publicly, leaving the door open for reconnection. All of this is incredibly disrespectful to you — and you are TAKING IT.
Stop taking it. Choose the rewarding “long, hard slog” of a new life. Don’t worry about taking care of Mike. The major news companies with their millions know how to find him.