I found out 3 months before my amazing Santorini wedding that my loving (lying), doting (cheating) fiancé had been having an affair with his past booty call for 5 months. I instantly kicked his ass out, then waivered for a couple weeks on whether reconciliation was possible.
He has (supposedly) cut off contact with the OW and claims that the reason he did was because he believed I would one day cheat on him. You know, a preemptive strike sort of affair (because that’s what grown ups do). I have since told him that reconciliation is not an option because, simply, lying and cheating are deal breakers. I am now 10 days strong on no contact (and about 6 weeks out of D-Day) and don’t plan on reinitiating contact. EVER. (You don’t get a second chance at honesty and fidelity with me).
My problem now is how to get it and him out of my head. I still run through things I want to say to him, things that I know he continued to lie about, but I would really like to just forget it altogether. Will this mental behavior just go away with time?
You’re so mighty, what are you doing on a chump site? You immediately dumped his ass, called off the wedding, and are only SIX WEEKS out from D-Day! OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO THINK ABOUT THIS.
Look, if a bullet grazed your head at work and exploded the water cooler instead of you, do you think you’d ever forget it? Do you think you’d ever stop wondering, “Man, if I only was sitting three-quarters of an inch to the left…”? No. You will tell that bullet story the rest of your life. It’s a monumental Oh My God life event.
You just called off a wedding. Not only did you probably rent a hall, inform all your friends and family, and pick out a dress — you envisioned a future with this man. The life you would have together, what you’d name your children, how many rescue schnauzers you would adopt. And instead, your entire life’s trajectory has changed. Hell YES you’re going to think about that.
You’re grieving. You’re going to be twitchy. You’re going to overthink him, what he meant to you, what you mean to him (I can answer that — kibbles), what he’s doing now, every shitty, sociopathic play he made, every stupid chumpy thing you did. It’s all totally normal. You’ve suffered an assault on your reality, and you will try to untangle that skein of fuckupedness to cope with it all, to ensure that nothing so awful ever happens again.
The mind movies, the 24/7 intrusive thoughts, the sudden crying or vomiting jags — that’s all the acute stage. It just lasts a few months, in my experience. The what-the-fuck just happened stage can last years. I started this blog to speed up other people’s healing, because so much of this infidelity shit just boils down to Trust That They Suck.
Aowlee, some people suck. Some people don’t invest very deeply. Some people feign love and commitment for kibbles. Some people can blithely abandon their children.
You will know these sucky people by the way that they ACT. They will try to disguise themselves as normal people with a lot of fluttery bullshit to convince you that their actions don’t have meaning. Or it’s all just so sophisticated that you can’t possibly understand it.
Call bullshit on bullshit. He wasn’t doing a “pre-emptive strike.” (Which implies that you caused this by your POTENTIAL to be a cheater. Gee, by his logic, you should’ve fucked 40 men, because he IS a cheater.) There is no excuse for cheating on you, except that he SUCKS.
I still run through things I want to say to him…
There is nothing to say, because he sucks. Expressing your pain to a narcissist is feeding kibbles. He doesn’t care. He just cares about his centrality and what he can get from you. You may as well try and shame a doorpost.
…things that I know he continued to lie about…
He’s a liar. Even if he told you the truth, it would be suspect, because he’s a proven liar. You confront him with a lie? You’re going to get the dead-eyed stare or blame-shifting, or some pathetic cheater charm offensive. Spare yourself.
Aowlee, trust that he sucks. Go build an amazing life. Some day soon you won’t give a shit about him, and all that will remain is a hell of a story.