Today’s column was my husband’s idea. We’re knee-deep in a move, going through decades worth of stuff, and having a lot of “WTF did I see in that assemblage of old cell phone cables?” moments.
So, in the spirit of Taking Out the Trash, what are the three douchiest, most awful non-infidelity-related things you won’t or don’t miss about your ex?
Sure, we can all say “the hooker habit” or the gaslighting. I’m talking about the little things that make your douche the douchiest of douches. That sets him or her apart from the pack.
- Draped his pants over a chair the minute he walked in the door.
- Asked for help shaving his back hair.
- Ate a copious amount of discount frozen pizzas.
When you love, you overlook. No one’s perfect, of course. But divorce liberates you from their revolting lace doily decorating whims and Franklin Mint commemorative plates.
What’s not to miss?
Not little but stealing my retirement money, his snoring, not coming in for dinner (he preferred drinking with his flying monkeys in the shop)
1. Being judged.
2. Walking on eggshells and wondering what mood he would come home in.
3. Dirt. Everywhere dirt, marks on the walls, furniture, dirty pants sitting on couches, the smell of beer breathe.
1. Lying and deceit
And as we go down the list of 501 responses, it clarifies to me why opposites SHOULDN’T attract! Find someone with your same standards!
1. Sat almost on top of me while he was on the phone and I was reading or watching something on tv
2. Leaving a mess (i.e. honey all over the counter) until I got home.
3. LEAVING THE HOUSE AND LEAVING HIS POOP IN THE TOILET – Like it was a present for me when I walked in the door from work.
Eww, eww, eww to #3!!!
WTF is it with cheaters and leaving a bowl full of shit in the bathroom?! I’ve seen SO many people mention that, myself included. To me that just indicates a total lack of respect. Either that or I think it’s some kind of outward manifestation of their inner 2 year old emotional self.
Passive-aggressive. “I know it’s disgusting and you hate it, so here you go bitch” was how I read it. Captain Cave Man had more restraint.
I think they are so busy setting in the bathroom they forget to flush. ? It’s a deeper metaphor. Ick.
Oh the ex did that to me so many times with is poop and many times he would over flow the toilet and he would be screaming for me to fix it. I cannot even recall how many times it was over 20 years. It was so sick!!!!
Sexting not setting
Kay – I think you are spot on. It’s been a while. He was either shexting (gross word look it up on urban dictionary) or he was on the phone and didn’t want the “other person” to know what he was doing – so he didn’t flush because then they would know he was on the toilet. Then his ADD kicked in (because he was thinking of who should he text / call next) and he would never flush it.
I think I’m too scared to look up the word shexting, chump in Chicago!! But i think I can fill in the blanks -?? yuck.
Mine use to CALL ME IN to the bathroom and look at what he did in the toilet!
I read somewhere that narcissists are often fascinated with their own bodily “functions”. And we’re supposed to be JUST as fascinated…
Not on my list, but still…
Ew. Just EW. Aren’t you disappointed that he’s now sharing his fecal accomplishments with another lucky lady? 😉
@FreeVixen—-ROFLMAO ‘fecal accomplishments’. I have just started reading today’s post and with that, in combination with the douchebag cartoon, I’ve had a great start to the day.
I wonder what it is with these freaks and their obsession with their bodily functions? His entire family including his sisters were obsessed. It made me wonder if they had been sexually molested as children.
Disgusting and crude. Every get family get together the conversation would ultimately turn to defecating, flatulence, and gross stories of memorable bowl movements. X and his brother actually recorded themselves farting.. they would play the recording over and over and laugh hysterically.
As entertainment during family get togethers, including holidays such as Christmas the boys would play their special recording for everyone to enjoy. I could believe the he roaring laughter of his family.
Now that I think about it that was the only time I remember them happy and laughing. Each family member would share a personal poop story for more entertainment. They would then recall older poop stories which had been told over a thousand times before. Funny family stories of how X left his poop in the toilet for his sisters, and their boyfriends, they would be in tears laughing at the same story I know I heard a million times. I was in a wedding party with one of his sisters, as we were waiting with the groomsman, there was an appetizer table set up with a plate of shrimp. Some one offered her some shrimp, instead of being polite and saying, “no, thank you.” she responded in her load raspy voice, “hell no, Shrimp gives me the shits.” then she proceeded to tell everyone her past shit blow outs she had after eating shrimp. She didn’t know any of the other wedding party members other than me, and it was mixed company.
Freaks, so glad I’m away from them and their family traditions.
You guys. I am in tears reading this. Needed the laugh today. My list would include snoring,extreme bad breath and uncontrollable nose hair, which would result in fits of rage if I ever even “hinted” at ways to remedy these things… Maybe that’s why he cheated? Because I nagged a little about nose hair?
Mine is the same! I never knew that that was part of the narcissism! Yup, gets angry I dare to mention constant bad breath, nose hair,etc
Omg I’m laughing so hard right now. My in laws could never answer politely either. “Where’s Jason (nephew)?” Was never answered “he’ll be right down!” It was always “he’s pinching one off” or “he’s dropping the kids off at the pool” or “he’s laying a cable – tried Indian last night then polished off a bag of starbursts!”
It was so crass and gross.
Yes. This must be one of the signs of a crazy cheater, bowel movement obsession.
Mine was obsessed with his too. He had very specific bathroom rituals. He had to completely undress, have reading materials. Left the door open so I could be serenaded by his loud bowel movements that would last a very long time. And sometimes he would “forget” to flush. Eye roll. Oh and the lovely skid marks, in his underwear on our bed sheets. I sure miss that. NOT.
That’s a thing?
Apparently Micheal! I read a “sexy” little email between Schmoopie and my Ex discussing in detail the “floater” someone left in the toilet! It was disgusting to me, but this 53 yr. old woman and 60 yr. old man thought it was the most entertaining conversation EVER!
I thought you said 5 and 3 year old.
Michael, most true adults would think they were a preschool age, but I would vote for pre-teen judging from the sext messages! I used to vomit (really) and barely be able to breathe reading that BS! Now, if I need a good laugh I just read the crap they wrote! I sometimes “role” play using foreign accents like dramatic actors! It’s even funnier!
Sure is – mine is constantly telling me about what happens when he takes a shit, or that he has bowel troubles or laughing like a kid about farting. And his sister is a little the same way. Like I was always raised that if someone had farted, even if you smelled it… well no need to comment. I was somewhere with his sister recently and someone in the car farted I guess – and she would not let up trying to figure out who it was. Fortunately we eventually passed a port-a-potty and that was blamed as the offending specimen. I was like “Jesus Christ lady. What is it with all of you discussion of intestinal issues? It’s a normal thing, just drop it.”
OMG the whole bathroom lack of respect thing. I so don not miss hearing him having a dump or pee with the door wide open. He would sit in the downstairs bathroom off the living room area with the door wide open so he could hear his shows. So bloody gross, and he always had friggin skid marks on his laundry…learn to shut the damn door and wipe yourself!!!!!
1. Blaming her self-image disorder on me and accusing me of thinking things I didn’t think.
2. Having temper tantrums and picking fights over worthless stuff, which ruined many occasions including valentines and our honeymoon.
3. Not liking my ideas but had none of her own to offer, usually over food.
Woops! Hit the wrong reply button
#3 every time.
“accusing me of thinking things I didn’t think”
Man, I got that same lame shit ALL of the time from my cheating STBXW!
Cheater: “Your motives were [ whatever the fuck craziness she was thinking ]!!!!”
Right there with you…Always something wrong with every nice thing we did…vacations, dinners, events always had to disappointing and dramatic!
OMG, you TOOO!?!?!?!
Yessssss, when it came to cooking (except for baking, he knew I was better), he had this “Anything you can do, I can do better” mentality— it was EXHAUSTING!!!!
One time, he cooked a batch of chili that came out so nasty I wouldn’t eat it and he was PISSED that I didn’t like it — he put grape jelly in the chili!!!!! It was SO nasty I refused to eat another bite, and he was stuck with about 5-7 gallons of that shit. He even tried to take it to work and no one at work liked it either, so he had to throw it away, assssssss!!!!
Any real, new idea I had he pissed on, but if he came up with an idea, oh boy I better think he re-invented the wheel or I was just stupid and narrow-thinking!!!
My ex would always shit with the bathroom door open, like I really wanted to see him sitting there. Sometimes he would want me to come into the bathroom to admire an exceptionally large/long turd in the toilet before he flushed.
Asswipe didnt show me but boy do i still have to hear about morning poops or lack there of. Sheesh what is it with guys and their shitting habits. So many are like this. Is it a mommy thing to tell your spouse? Creepy!
Wow – thank you for putting that perspective on it. Mine had explosive IBS for the last 15 years and the only time he ever cleaned out the bowl was when his family was coming in town to visit. He always left it for me to do and he knew I hated it
I never knew that that was part of it! It’s a common problem. He says that he’s flushed but that his poos float back up and I’ve believed him for decades!!!!
Oh me too! Had no idea the dump in the toilet was such a common thing!
Also, earth shattering snoring. I was the one to sleep in the living room!
And his problem with a double stream peeing until adequate pressure built up. Never did he clean it up until I made a big issue after stepping in it barefooted!
I’ve forgotten about the “double-stream” peeing! One ex-boyfriend demonstrated his technique to avoid that .. holding and rolling the tip before urinating, to get the opening from sticking together and not end up spraying all over. I was so fascinated by this (since us gals have different equipment and ways to maintain), but then I wondered: Don’t their fathers or older brothers teach little boys these things? Or maybe physical ed teachers? In my day, it was our woman PE teachers that taught us about the monthly cycles and how to use pads or tampons.
#2 and #3 here also!! Honey and chocolate syrup all over the counter, and never could manage to wipe it up and place the spoon in the sink right beside it. And the poop surprises…always! But of course he just “forgot to flush”. Isn’t “wipe, flush and wash you hands afterwards” taught to us during potty training?
Mine couldn’t’ clear either – always had to shout to me for help like a child. He could never tidy up after making one of his “fantastic” meal either.
Yep, same here. If I cooked, I had to clean up. If he cooked, I had to clean up. Ass!!!!
Same here. He cooked all of about 3 times while we were married. I went on strike and stopped cooking for almost a year because my then-husband refused to help with any chores. After he got sick of eating out all the time, he begged me to cook meals again and promised to take out the garbage and vacuum the house once a week (while I still did the rest of the housework, plus worked full-time and took care of the bills). He lasted 3 weeks and couldn’t keep up with the TWO things he said he’d do! I went back on strike after that.
I wonder about that with his OWife now-a-days…It seems they eat out a lot when our daughter visits. Either he’s showing off what a big spender he is, or our daughter doesn’t like her cooking, either way it’s not my problem any longer.
When we were together, I cooked 95% of the time, and it was a constant, “Anything you can do, I can do better” nonsense. Whenever he tried to improve on something I had made previously ( see previous comment about grape jelly in my chili!!!!), it never tasted as good to me. He espouses to be a former chef to a certain extent- doesn’t have the paperwork, but says he has the skills/experiences.
“Leaving poop in the toilet”
My XH did this a few months ago when he was picking up the kids. Stopped to use our bathroom and let his shit In there stinking it up.
Flushing is hard, amirite?
Oh, yes. Flushing is hard. Not leaving skid marks on the toilet seat is hard, too. Picking up granola bar wrappers off the kitchen floor is also hard. So is tossing out banana peels. It’s so haaaard to take a banana peel off the couch and place it in the garbage can. How can anyone expect that sort of hardship from these delicate snowflakes?? Wiping greasy Thai takeout spills off the kitchen counter is also really, really harrrrd.
And it’s much easier to leave 5 days’-worth of cereal bowls & spoons on the f**king window-ledge in the living room, rather than to put them in the sink. Not WASH them, mind you. Just place them into the sink for someone else to wash. That’s hard. .
It’s hard to tell the truth. Hard to not be 3 hours late when you say you’ll be home at 7pm, but show up at 10. Extra-crispy hard to apologize for being 3 hours late, too! How dare anyone expect decency from these precious flowers!!
I can go on. And on and on and on. For days. Maybe one day I will.
This is giving me nightmares… deedee, we were married to the same pig. Mine used the livingroom like a compost heap. It was disgusting, left apple cores, orange peels, banana peels everywhere. I swore we would get rats. He taught the kids to do it too. It was just part of his passive agressive fun to watch my frustration. You are not the boss of me. Skid marks on the undies, beard trimmings in the sink and lord knows what else. Hated to brush his teeth. Hated to do it. Said that the apple he just ate in the living room and left the core there, was as good as brushing. His teeth are beyond peridontal disease bone is showing. So gross and disgusting. Ooh and he had a mass of crusty gray moley things on his back that really old people get, kindly called wisdom spots. Don’t miss one part of him, not one part of him at all. Lazy as the day is long. Good luck CFMily, that pig is all yours.
Added difficulty : not to place used undies in laundry basket, when U can leave them on kitchen table! 2m difference in distance and a door. Cannot bend to pick dropped anything from floor.
Cannot pour coffee and wipe spillings. Incapable of any contact w cleaning utensils.
Life full of limitstions and despair of being an adult. I feel for him (NOT).
Hahaha! Mine used to want me to come in and see how impressively he had pooped. Eeediot.
1. Mine did not do #3, he was a scrupulous flusher, BUT (see what I did there?) he had an anal fistula (SEXY! lucky OW!) which means he essentially had a second asshole (well, a third if you count the OW) so he would take forever in the bathroom and use rolls of toilet paper at one time. It was so hard to keep the bathroom stocked. There were always preparation H wipes packets around — he always carries them with him.
2. Never says please or thank you. If I would ask him if he would like a cup of coffee, or a beer, he would say “I won’t say no” which he thought was cute I guess, but I would say, Could you just say “Yes, please” “Yes thanks” or even “That would be nice?” He never would. Somehow he always made accepting something I offered into a favor to me…
3. He washes like an otter. He would wash his face every night but never used a face cloth. The vanity and mirror where always streaked with water — sometimes he would wipe down the vanity, almost never the mirror and when he did, it would manage to be worse.
@ stuntchump: To go with your item #2, my ex habitually would ask us to do something by the phrasing, “Would you like to….?” Such as “Would you like to get me a sandwich?” Instead of please, or even just “would you”. I hated it. And this is a minor fault on a very long list of egregious faults.
I got this, too. “Would you like to vacuum, keep the children busy and make dinner while I go to the gym?” That’s if she bothered to ask, or give any indication when she’d be back.
Oh, my God! #2 in spades. My exwife is Polish, and if it hadn’t been for my very polite mother-in-law I would have sworn that Polish didn’t have words for please or thanks.
Mine did not verbally ask, he would place items: empty toothpaste tubes, deodorant, dry-cleaning out and expect me to replace or do…never a thank you, or a please. I remember several conversations about it. His narcissistic father did the same…
“Somehow he always made accepting something I offered into a favor to me…”
*GASP* I though my ex-hole boyfriend was the only one! He’d always say crap like, “if you’d like to take the dog for a walk, I’d be ok with that”. Or “If you want to pay for half of the dog’s medical expenses, that would be fine”. As if he were doing me a favour by “allowing” me to do him a favour. I’d often blow up and yell, “why can’t you just ASK me to do something for you like a normal person?” But he couldn’t master that particular normal bit of human interaction. Disordered ass.
Yep……had one of those “flush-avoidant” ones. He would also hock up huge green wads of snot and either leave them on the shower floor, or in the bathroom sink for me to clean up. I started using the kids’ bathroom instead. He also like to put his dirty dishes in the sink with food still on them……and he had to walk right by the trash an to do it.
1. Watching Soccer ALL DAY on Sundays.
2. Him sitting at the dinner table, and expecting me to get up if anything was missing. (chump me would do it too – because you know I wanted to be the perfect wife)
3.His selfishness about everything, his needs came above everyone else. Period.
Did I mention watching soccer all the time?
OMG MA, Mine watched soccer all the time. He also played and is a coach. If he wasn’t doing something with that he was watching UFC. He knew more about those things than me. There was hardly any time for us what time there was I was always tired from having to do everything that I didn’t want to do anything other than sleep.
1. Spent too much time and money on the hobby-/sport-of-the-week: wind-surfing, kitesurfing, kayaking, mountain biking, skiing, wake boarding, golfing…
2. The king of laying guilt trips.
3. Changed his clothes three times a day. And I did the wash.
Oh my gosh, were you married to my ex too?
Ditto 1, 2 & 3
What’s with the changing outfits thing? I wear just about everything more than once, whereas the ex would fill up the basket in just a day or two. And then I got in trouble for not doing enough chores.
#3 omg the laundry
The laundry!! My ex cheater bitch changed her clothes 3-4 times a day! I swear to God my utilities bills are cut in half since she left…good riddance.
OMG, #1… We have a garage full of crap because he would gear up for a new hobby/sport, buy all brand-new top of the line stuff, and then get bored. And then repeat. We couldn’t possibly sell any of it, because he might want to get back to it one day…
*EVERY TIME* he defecated, he left shit streaks and stains on the toilet seat. Every time! And NEVER cleaned up after himself. For years.
Mine too!! Shit shrapnel…GROSS. Pubes on soap? I’m sure you get that one, too. Blech.
Yup. Mine too. Like a child. I always thought he was unique because … what grownup does that??? Shocked to see there are others! How can a grown, successful man with a responsible job, who is a well-respected leader in the community, leave shit streaks on the toilet seat every single time he uses it? And not care enough to clean it up? How is a man like this not embarrassed to be such a slovenly gross pig?
Ditto – and on his underpants. Initially I washed , latterly he sent them to a laundry – lucky them.
1. Him asking me to cut his gross toenails….and I did!
2. Listening to him ask for compliments every time he put on a clean shirt…really dude “it’s a clean shirt, not a tuxedo”
3. Listening to him spit hocker’s in the sink every morning.
1. 13,500 in credit card debt I didn’t know about
2. Leaving my toddler aged children in a car to die.
3. Blaming me for going bald.
4. The in-laws who were outlaws.
6. Smelly bed farts.
Three angel strangers broke the girls out of the car. It was 92 degrees….car parked in full sunlight….kids were screaming BC it was so hot in car …dad of the year.
Oh Jesus, Heather that’s unbelievable. He should never get unsupervised visitation. I hope that was somehow documented.
Holy shit Heather, that’s terrifying. I hope you got full custody of your babies.
HOLY SHIT!!! I would have had to kill him over leaving the kids in the car!
Could he be arrested for child endangerment? What he did is a crime
1. Constant snacking and the leaving of bits of cereal, potato chip crumbs, peanut skins and anything that might drop onto the floor or countertop – in an area where keeping ants out of the house is a constant battle.
2. The smell of cigar smoke in the house – yes, he went onto the lanai to smoke them, but then he left the door open and sat in the chair nearest the door.
3. The godawful prolonged harking noises and the spitting of gobs of phlegm into every sink in the house!
This is a great exercise: fun and liberating!
Three non-infidelity related traits I am relieved to be away from:
1. The loud, reverbrating burps and farts he took no trouble to smother at the supper table;
2. The double standards about housecleaning and cooking: he picked on the way I did everything around the house while he obliviously left pants draped over railings and left a giant stinky mess after he cooked something;
3. His spectacularly bad timing. Not that getting pissed drunk is advisable at any time when you are a parent, but he picked the night I was in labour with my son to come home stinking drunk. “Not tonight!” he groaned as he staggered into the room.
He managed to hide all these traits from me before we were married. It is a bizarre story. I have been reading for a while now. Much love to Chump Nation – you have really helped me during the transition from feeling trapped with Mr Wonderful (to the outside world he has such an amazing image) to living on my own with my two incredible children. ChumpLady amd Chump Nation: you rock!
Ah, the double standards. I still recall when she asked me to get a computer out of our bedroom because it didn’t belong there. I would have had to dig it out of a pile of her stuff that also didn’t belong in the room.
I actually have a list in a Word doc that I’ve been adding to for over a year! I use it to soothe myself when I am having one of those days or mourning the marriage. I’m up to about 30 things so it’s hard to choose, but of the daily annoyances it would be:
1. SNORING. (I haven’t slept through the night in 18 years.)
2. He hums when he eats. Not happy, melodic humming, just weird sounds that emminate from him while eating. His whole family does it.
3. Horrible grammar. He talks like a fucking hillbilly. Again, his whole family does.
Can I add a number 4 and just say his whole family? Silver linings folks, silver linings.
A- to the fucking – men on the hillbillies. And wore it like a badge of honor. I was always told by the in laws I was haughty and had impossible standards. Because scratching your ass and balls in public is on par with zoo animals. And belching and farting in public and teaching toddlers to do the same. The one toddler is now 21 and a hot mess who can’t have an adult conversation and has never had a job. Just have standards!!
nic, my ex husband told me quite categorically that “not everyone has my standards, you know” ! That is why he traded down to a 23 year old prostitute he picked up in a bar in SE Asia and is now living the dream and bragging up a storm. You see he is 63 and I am 64. I got too old for him and for him to be seen with me embarrassed him. Standards are important and I will never lower mine again for anyone. I tried to bring the ex up to my level but he tried even harder to drag me down to his level. I maintained my dignity, thank god. 🙂
How nice for THEM that we have high standards. Served them beautifully. I’m disgusted at what your husband did. May she enjoy his ED and other age related bliss instead of you! I’ll send you good juju every time I see adult diapers and know you won’t be changing his. In a third world country, to boot!
Yes, and if I objected to any of his hillbilly redneck tastes it was because I was a ‘tightass’.
OMG all of these! The snoring was so bad I could hear him at the opposite end of our not small house through the closed bedroom door. And of course, the more weight he gained and the more he smoked, the worse it got. I actually asked him not to come back to our room after the baby was born not because I didn’t want him there, which he presumed because he always presumed he knew what I was really thinking, but because I needed a few hours of sleep so I could take care of the baby and the kids the next day.
And the loud eating! If he had oatmeal, bananas or really anything, I’d all but cringe at all the lip smacking, talking through a mouthful of food and weird moaning noises. He even did the moaning thing in between sentences while talking and so did his brother. I don’t think they even knew they were doing it.
Oh, and let’s not forget taking calls during dinner that weren’t business related. Calls from friends, his mother and of course, always calls from the mistress. He’d get up in the middle of dinner and walk into the kitchen to pace and talk while the kids and I were having dinner. I used to want to brain him with the serving platter since he didn’t gift us with very much family time at all and would still find ways to fuck it up..
Oh, the eating noises. Put me off my food on a daily basis. Why does chewing have to be accompanied by grunting?
Another thing I won’t miss is his absolute refusal to brush his teeth. Like, ever.
My third would be the manipulation by incompetence: doing a household chore so badly I’d never ask again.
You have a list on a Word document to remind yourself. I have my list in an e-mail that I started shortly after d-day–I sent it to myself, and I added to it from time to time in the early days, by replying to my own e-mail! I see this as a “best practice” for getting over a cheater. Every time you miss him/her, you pull up your reminder list, and maybe even tack on another point! I highly recommend this. I think this post/exercise that CL has given all of us–not just writing our own list, but reading the others’ lists–is very, very therapeutic. It’s a real eye-opener to realize in another way just how disgusting entitled cheater narcs are in more ways than one. And how similar they are!
I’d never share my list with the cheater–NC is golden, after all. And, to be honest, my biggest regret after d-day is when I unleashed with a tirade of all the bad or ugly traits of his I’d kept inside me, out of love for him. Truth is, I missed a few during my verbal vomit storm, but I will always regret how mean it was of me, how ugly it made ME look. I don’t hate him. I don’t wish him any harm. I don’t want him harboring wounds that I inflicted on him. He’s damaged enough.
But we are taught that we must forgive, and so, while I can’t see myself ever forgiving the Coward and the Twat Troll (whatever it means to “forgive” them) I DO forgive myself for lashing out in pain. Cuz I was in PAIN!
5 years out, and I have a wonderful new, budding relationship with a grown-up who is habitually considerate and kind. (Weird, I know!) I’m really at “meh!” I think, or as close as I’ll ever be. I don’t forget, and I don’t forgive, but I am so much happier now than I ever was. It’s really remarkable how these creeps can drag you down, and how uplifting it is to shake them off and walk away.
1) Him saying “I want something to snack on”, me asking him what he wants and him saying “Read my mind” and actually expecting me to do it.
2) Shit smears on the toilet seat and not flushing after he used it. Because that’s exactly what I want to do at 5am, wake up to a toilet full of crap and a seat I have to wipe down before I can pee.
3) getting off work and having to spend the entire drive home listening to the daily litany of how hard his day was, and everything my son had done wrong since he got home from school Fat Bastard was unemployed – his days consisted of doing laundry, watching porn, eating almost anything in site, trolling Instagram and Twitter for new sluts to sext with, eating some more, spending the money I earned and taking naps between porn viewing in the recliner.
There’s so many others I could list….
1. Dirty underwear on the kitchen table.
2. Pubic hair he had shaved to keep himself “trimmed up” and looking good “for me” left on the bathroom floor till I eventually got tired of looking at it and cleaned it up
3. Finally using our master bedroom closet for my stuff because “there wasn’t enough room for my stuff” when he lived here.
4. Toenail clippings on the couch and floor
5. Gum stuck in random places
6. Constant spills of fruit punch (his favorite drink. Bright red) all over everything. Carpet. Bed. Clothes
Re: Item 2. At least mine left the dregs of his manscaping floating in the toilet. How considerate.
So gross, right?! Unbelievable. Sorry you had to endure similar disgust ?
I vividly recall the mound of gray pubes floating in the toilet after he’d snipped or clipped or shaved or whatever them in the midst of his affair. I think it was a giant “FUCK YOU” left for me. He knew something I didn’t know, and it made him feel potent.
Good for him! That’s great.
Good riddance. Good for me, too! 😀
They truly are disgusting. Mine had to have his OWs in our beds–at home,at our cottage and just a week ago at our semi retirement home in Florida which is now sold. Like a dog marking it’s territory. No respect or decency at all.
ON THE KITCHEN TABLE!?!?!
Hed get a cast iron skillet upside his head in my house!
That reminds me of that one episode of Malcolm in the Middle where the mother starts cleaning out the Closet of Doom. “Underpants! In a closet! HUMAN underpants! I must not threaten you people enough!”
Number three is my favorite. We both had professional jobs but he was a salesman and didn’t see the same people every day. He had three times as many clothes as I had. After he left, it was nice to be able to hang my things up and not have to have room for all his stuff. Always had to look good. Another one for me was being able to cook the way I like. He always criticized my cooking, thinking his was so much better. Family would tell me otherwise. Third for me is that he chewed tobacco constantly.
1. His $1000 a month Starbucks/beer/restaurant habit.
2. He worked 80 hours a week and was rarely ever home. But virtually every minute he WAS home was spent complaining about his job.
3. His car was like a dumpster. Full of trash. So disgusting I refused to ride in it. Ick!!!!
i must add:
4. constant nail biting and finding those nails in the car etc
5. Peeing outside. Anywhere and everywhere. We’d go out to dinner and instead of using a bathroom he’d pee up against the car before we’d go home. He has also peed right outside our house because “he couldn’t wait to get inside.” WTF???
6. Every time we’d pass the cops he’s say “you’re never gonna catch me motherfuckers”
Just laughed out loud at this one. Thanks for the morning laugh!
#4 Still finding those fucking toenails in my car
Ugh, I would sell the car! 😉
SolteraOtraVez…I just have to reply to the need to pee issue. My ex was the same way. Decades of this issue. Had to go every 1/2 hour. I could tell he needed to go because he would get a manic look and totally forget I was there. He would start scouting for the best private location outside. Sometimes it wasn’t private enough. I was worried he would be reported by bystanders. While driving on a family trip he would start asking if anyone needed the bathroom. 3 kids in the car. No one needed to. Then it would start…”Better tell me now” over and over. No one needed to go. He would say “Last chance” as we neared an exit. “Too late!” he would say, then almost run a car off the road going off the exit after all saying “I have to get some gas” Why didn’t he just say he needed to use the restroom? When one of us had to go he would say “can you wait till the rest stop 40 miles away?” Little kids and me. We need to wait. What a ass.
1. His constant complaining about his job…
2. The chaos that followed him where ever he goes
3. His mother.
I second losing the in-laws. One of the best, if not the best part, of the divorce–i.e. no longer having to deal with those fake, religiousy abusive people.
I third that, DM! I could have written exactly the same comments.
1- his gambling – online poker, casinos, hiding winnings, thinking he was going to make it big in the poker world
2- his drinking – i was always the DD since I could never trust him to not go overboard
3- his parents. his mother thinks her son can do no wrong and thinks he’s a good man. his father is a deacon and told me that ” the sooner I forgive, the easier it will be for me” and also told me that there was no difference in me dating someone new ( ONE WHOLE YEAR LATER) and his son dating the mistress! he also used the “it takes two to tango line” on me. yep, one married person to fuck around and one willing whore to fuck around with, and that has NOTHING to do with me — nice training deacon asshole.
It’s interesting how many of us have/had Cheaters who complained about their jobs! My cheater complained about his old job for about 17 years. It was a constant stream of negativity. In fact, he’d complain about work before saying good morning! His negativity was a major reason behind my decision not to have children with him.
Now I realize that his complaints were symptomatic of the “poor me” attention-getting behavior of so many of our cheaters. He wanted people to feel sorry that his genius was underappreciated by the incompetents in charge.
KB, I think the negativity about jobs, marriage, life in general is one of the things that cheaters and affair partners find appealing about each other. Ex’s gf bitched about everything, especially her job and child. Nice, right ? And the single biggest change I noticed about ex when he was running with his whore was his extreme negativity about everything. Two peas in a pod.
Crap kb…another ‘thing’…yep…satan constantly complained about his job. And how everyone he works with are incompetent and they would have to close the doors if he wasn’t there to do just everything!
…course he complained about anyone and everyone he ever met…no one was as wonderful or smart as him…ever in the 36 years I was with him.
Egads Chumps…do you think these disordered assholes are actually from another planet? How can they all be so much alike!!!!! They are like a whole nother race! A race that looks human but lacking actual human emotions…yep…like Kar marie says…pod people…
Hearing the same stories told to me over and over as if I had never heard them before, no matter how many times I told him I had.
The wretched sounds he would make when hocking up loogies and then finding them in the garbage or floating in the toilet.
Oh GOD mine did that too. My parents live in the town his fathers family is from and every time we drove through there I got the rundown of – Grama and Grandpa lived here, Aunt and Uncle lived there, this used to be a grocery store, I used to play in that park as a kid…EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.
3 years of that shit gets old really fast.
Um, gepster? I hate to tell you this, but I suspect you are my turds’ second family I always suspected he had!!! So many similarities!!
Oh, God I had 22 years of the same thing, over and over.
That was my fourth one – the repeated stories, over and over. And wildly embellished when told to a roomful of first-timers (and told loudly so no one would miss the joy of hearing his feats of stupidity)
These are all so funny, I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. So many similarities as well.
I don’t miss the same stories I’ve heard a million times embellished to suit his audience.
His pilot training stories we can never hear enough of.., the excitement in his voice being the center of attention as he rambles on with more about himself.
Visiting his home town and having him take me past his grade school, and high school, and the track.
He and his siblings were the smartest kids in school of course, the most talented musicians, the best athletes. Not much of an accomplishment when the other students have a poor socio economic status and families who don’t understand the value of an education, migrant farm working families.
Same stupid stories about his sisters being beautiful in high school and had great figures. I’ve seen pictures of his sister in high school, not one of them were attractive, or even average in looks, quite frankly they were ugly, think the stepsisters in Cinderella. From the photos I’ve seen of them they were always overweight, not just chubby, leaning more towards being obese. Not sure why X would lie and say they were attractive other than that’s what compulsive liars do.
Stories about people in their neighborhood or went to school with, as if these people are close friends and they just happened recently, not thirty years ago or longer. It was weird. His entire family was weird that way.
He and his siblings would talk about friends in high school like they are still in high school, for example their prom date and what they did, who they went with as if the prom was last night.
There’s much more but these few things right now are more than enough. It’s disturbing,
I can’t believe I didn’t have sense enough to leave him after meeting his family.
History re-written to support his estimation that he is fabulous?
This is weird. I experienced the same strange phenomenon with my ex’s family. A rehash of past events with neighbors from 25 years ago as if the stories were A. – interesting and B. -not recited at every family event ad nauseum. They insisted on telling these dull tales in front of me and my brothers-in-law as if we should give a shit, despite having heard them time and time again.
They acted as if I should feel lucky to be part of their fascinating family. As if they were the freaking Kennedys. Now I see the whole dynamic as a course titled “How to Train Your Son to Be a Flaming Narcissist.”
Oh God yes, the endless puffing up of his and his family’s greatness- how his grandmother was voted mother of the year so many times by their church that they ended up changing the rules, how his grandfather was the most respected man in town, how he wrestled professionally and played semi pro football, how his mother was supposedly this great beauty that man flocked to, how his father knew everyone in town and was the very first UPS driver in their area.
It was just pathetic.
The stories! The Limited repeatedly told me about his customers health problems and operations. I reoeTedky told him it was not my concern and hiw much I hated hearing grotesque surgery details. Then he would repeat the same stories to everyone while I was with him.
Oh, the loogie-hocking, yessssss!!!!!
And the endless stories about himself as a rotten-ass kid, even more-rotten-ass teen-ager…stories of his family, etc. yeah, got old real fast.
1. Chewing with his mouth wide open noisy and constant lip smacking.
2. Anger and shutting down except for rage. He even raged at the dogs.
3. Constant complaing about his aches and pains and life in general never used to be that way. Told me to shoot him if he ever got old and whiny like older men he heard doing it. He hated that. Que get the gun.
The nervous stupid little laugh he has when lying.
Oooo oooo. Another! Telling me i should do things properly you know like a human. Spoken by a true pod person. And the dogs need to learn how to understand english so they obey hum! Sorry that was two. This is fun!
Oh God!! The constant aches and pains!! He still complains to me about them. His new, much younger model has to love hearing that everyday.
Yes asswipes too arent they lucky and freaking out if he doesnt have his meds. Both the whores are lucky!
Constant complaints about his back, shoulder, and knee right before bed.
Having a cord for the heating pad run under my pillow.
Repeatedly wetting the bed.
Finding my pillow in the lower part if his side of the bed as he slept with it between his legs nightly when I was t there.
Sex? Really? The bed was like rehab.
Looking at young girls with lust.
Not being able to dance.
Being told I didn’t know how to load the dishwasher.
Watching him drink five drinks and ordering the most expensive item in the menu and expecting me to pay for a salad and one drink.
The dread of knowing I couldn’t be happy
The lack of having couples as friends.
Repeatedly hanging to see the same exact band every single year without variety.
Never going to a mivie in 36 years.
Being asked to dress him after refusing to buy him clothes.
The lack if responses, ok, yeah, I don’t care and listening to him complain.
Fuck, I hated him. I never realized what a dull prick I lived with.
I’m laughing so hard I can barely breathe – wow, how can they be so alike? My ex had to have the TV blasting 24/7 (I now have no TV in my bedroom, and a beautiful vase of fresh flowers where it used to be); he ate like a 2 year old (no vegetables or spices allowed!), refused to kiss me (kissing was for BEFORE you had sex; once you had sex, you didn’t kiss anymore, uh, what?), the personal hair left everywhere, the double standards for everything…and the bathroom stuff? Yep – a check in every box.
Here’s my least missed stuff –
1) He would sleep later than the kids and I (they were toddlers when he left). He’d grouch down the steps, take his coffee outside and smoke for an hour, then come in and sit on the crapper for another 30 minutes or so, then leave straight for work. Never spent a minute with us – so the kids only memories of dear ol’ dad are him sitting on the shitter. Seriously.
2) Road rage/crazy driving – he was so much more talented at driving than the other schmucks on the road, that he didn’t have to follow rules like speed limits, turn signals, driving on the berm…did all that going 100+ miles an hour, while talking on his cell phone, drinking coffee, and smoking. I would cry sometimes, and then he’d drive faster or swerve in and out of traffic to punish me for “being such a bitch”. Once on vacation in the mountains at night, I asked him to PLEASE slow down, and that got me an 80 mile an hour terror filled, obscentity laced rant just to show me “how much he fucking hated being married to a #$#@ like me.” I’m shaking just typing it. Oh, and our kids were in the car.
3) On a lighter note, he drank wine only if it was mixed with Pepsi. I couldn’t have cared less if he’d mixed it up at home – not much of a drinker or an expensive wine buyer, but on the few occasions we were invited out, he’d pour Pepsi into an expensive glass of wine (while our host/hostess would look on in horror), then chug it down, and tell everyone, “You should try it – it tastes much better this way!” What a dick.
4) Forbidden music – my family is super musical – we all play several instruments, and several sing well. We were raised on every type of music, and enjoy it all. Shortly after being married, I tried to listen to a CD, and he told me that he didn’t want to hear my shitty music in the house. Or the car. Or anywhere. I wasn’t allowed to play the piano, or any other music, or sing. It “upset him”. In the car, we had to listen to his “home country” folk music or Celine Dion. Only. Seriously. When our daughter was little, we could only listen to music when he was at work, and she knew not to ever sing once daddy came home.
What a total f’ing nightmare. On the bright side, now that he’s gone, both kids play multiple instruments – my son also sings – and both love classical music (that was the worst – he would RAGE); we’re not afraid to ride in a car, our house doesn’t smell of gas and cigarettes; I’m not humiliated when someone orders wine at dinner, and we cook and eat all kinds of fun, healthy stuff. Best of all, we’re not afraid Every. Single. Minute. Life can be beautiful again.
ReDefiningMe, I am REALLY glad that you are out of that soul sucking relationship. Best regards to you and your children. May your house and your lives be FILLED with singing!
WOW, how alike yours and mine are is scary!!!!
He wouldn’t dance with me, but one year, at my birthday party, I stepped off to the casino slots, came back in and there he was— out on the dance floor with my friends like he was the shit!!!!
Ooooooooooooooooo, this IS fun!!!!
The Evil One should be a walking advertisement of everything physically wrong with him is unlike what anyone else in the world has ever experienced. Of course, nothing was ever really wrong with him except that he’s a disordered fuck.
How in the world to narrow this down to just 3? Geez I really have to think about this one CL:
1. His table matters were just beyond terrible. He would always eat with his mouth open and had no clue how use a fork and knife and spoon correctly and using a napkin I was asking for way too much from him. He would be very nasty with me about that. Also he would never wash his hands before and after a meal and going to the restroom also. He never helped me with cooking or cleaning up when I prepared meals. Really just his general presence and the idea of it just makes me sick to my stomach.
2. His family and friends (he really didn’t have any that I knew about) all were now I fully understand just like him. His brother is even worse than he is. The ex was a little more sneaky than his brother but oh boy is his brother a big mental. All of them were so 2 faced and never had anything good to say about anyone. I can recall the ex’s father saying how bad the ex’s brother was during the years.
3. He didn’t even know how to change a light bulb or put anything together with even the instructions in the box and had no general sense of knowledge or education about anything mechanical and no knowledge about electrical devices and he didn’t want to learn also. I was the one that had to do it all and I taught myself it all. Also I could not depend on him for anything I did it all from A to Z.
The list really just goes on and on and on. Really 3 is not enough!
Can I add his disguising sense of humor and his drawings of sexual conduct between all sexes and him taking pictures of female breast that I found. And him always watching some type of sport.
Be happy it was just breasts and drawings. I have a flash drive full of pictures of his dick, him masturbating, other womens twats, and over 3000 screenshots of porn, BDSM pix, and stories about incest and rape.
Boob pix are bad, but that shit actually made me vomit.
Oh gepster it’s worse than I have typed without giving away great details giving away the right of my privacy. I can fully relate with what you typed and found many things with his father and brother and other family members including him also. I just typed the best PG version I can give. It was the same for me also. I fully think and believe him and his family are sexually predators. The list is endless like I know it is for you and so many of us chumps. Hugs to you and I am so very sorry you had to deal with such a sick person.
*and giving away my privacy.
Beth I have no doubt in my mind that Fat Bastard was attempting to groom my son and I for sexual abuse. And I suspect his father and brother are also predators to some degree, but if course I can’t prove it.
Gepster I 100% believe you. I have no doubt in my mind that these cheaters are sexual predators. Many hugs to you. We are all in this together.
1. His toenails on the beside table.
2. His snoring which left me drained every morning.
3. His incessant cough. He could be somewhere in the supermarket and I would know where he was if I just listened for that cough.
4. His lying and looking me straight in the eye whilst he did so.
5. His back stabbing and betrayal of me without me knowing.
6. Leaving me to do everything and I mean absolutely everything.
7. Being ignored as if I was speaking another language and getting just a grunt to show that he was ‘really’ listening !
Oh my, except for 1 and 2 my STBX has all the same issues! He did leave toe nails in random places, but generally not next to the bed LOL.
So identical! lol And I’m supposed to pick up the nails for him as he always forgets about it!
Maree…Mine did the cough, too. Yup, could be aisles away in a store and I knew it was him. What was worse, when I was with him when he coughed, I would be able to see him “chew” the sputum he coughed up. He would do this for awhile before swallowing and would even talk with it in his mouth. GAG!!!
1. Boogers on the shower walls (“good morning, movin_on, your loogies are here”)
2. Shit shrapnel all over the toilet bowl (I feel you chumped in Chicago)
3. Getting shutdown on sex. It was lame anyway, but lousy sex was better than no sex/love/intimacy/desire for seven years. Yeah, seven. Oy.
Movin_on – You and me both on the sex shutdown. Somehow that became my fault once d-day hit.
1. I had to “serve” him dinner – he would just sit there and wait.
2. Loogies in the sink every morning
3. Snoring. Most nights he ended up sleeping on the couch in the loft. (Also my fault).
4. The water bottles filled with spit from his chewing tobacco left as prizes everywhere.
5. The “look of death” I would get if I suggested any of the following : turn down the tv, change from sports to something we both could enjoy, talking to me, turning on the heat, getting a hug or kiss….
6. My asking for him to look at me while we talked, and him saying “I am” while never looking away from the tv.
7. Never getting anything done to fix our home, but if the neighbor or a stranger on the street asked for something he was out the door.
Sorry….it’s 3-ish. Lol.
Chumptastic…#6 for me too. Asking him to look at me while I talk with him was ALWAYS an issue. After he would turn down the tv, stop texting, turn down the radio, etc he would look at me with the meanest look and say “There. Are you happy now?. What do you want??!!” Afterwards I would bite my tongue (literally), swallow my pride and try to talk. He would then say “Is that all you wanted? Are you done now? Can I go back to what I was doing now or is there anything else? I don’t want to get you upset or have you accuse me of not listening.” By then end of that I would feel so deflated and hurt. He just took my silence for the end of conversation and went back to whatever he was doing. He told the MC that I never talked to him. I tried for 38 years.
1. Shaving his back hair … Check
2. Ketchup on toast
3. Waking up to eat 2 am meals & disturbing everyone else’s sleep
4. Chewing with his mouth open
5. Eating pancakes with his syrup – gallons of syrup
6. Camouflage cargo shorts
7. Little boy sandals
8. War movies
9. War documentaries
9. Tanks … books, models, movies about tanks (wtf)
10. Bags of bulk store candy
11. Dollar store chocolate
12. Burgundy sweaters & T-shirts
13. Sports wear as casual clothing
14. Slurping coffee
15. Flavoured coffee
16. Looking for an award every time he did a chore around the house
17. Not using soap when “washing” his hands
18. Hair plugs
19. Star Wars
20. The saying “it’s fine” when I tried to alter or update anything in the home.
21. Lack of interest in raising the children
I almost forgot ….
22. Blowing his nose on the street (i.e. Putting one finger on the side of his nose in order to close off a nostril & blowing whatever out of the other side).
“22. Blowing his nose on the street (i.e. Putting one finger on the side of his nose in order to close off a nostril & blowing whatever out of the other side).”
Gosh, you had to remind me about that. It was the worst. I was so afraid one of the kids would start doing it.
It has an actual name: “the cowboy handkerchief”
Or Snot Rockets!
AHHH, yes. The nose blowing. Usually right on the sidewalk for someone to walk on. And the morning nose blowing that sounded like honking geese. Snot boogies in the sink-hardened like glue. Nose blowing that was accompanied by the nostril cleaning with a handkerchief as far as his fingers could go up. I am making myself sick. Good Gravey…I do not miss that!!
Gee, and I was just getting hungry for lunch. Thanks for the weight control, patticake!
These made me lol. He sounds like a piece of work.
Oh Daisy how I do not miss the days of shaving and even waxing his back hair and ass hair and clipping his nasty toes nails and finger nails. Also cleaning the shit from his underwear. I just typed 3 and it was so hard just stop at typing at 3 things I do not miss. Also I don’t miss kissing him, his voice, his blank looks, his lying, his voice, his eyes, his touch, his smell, the list goes on and on.
wow beth. those are the things i miss the most about him: the sound of his voice, his eyes, his smile,his body, the way he walked, the way he talked, the way he ran would have me cream (sorry if TMI) his laugh, picturing him in his boxers only (yummy) the way he smelled, his hair. his underarm deodorant, having his arms around me, his kisses….
but i do not miss the lying, the hiding and sneaking, the drinking and the cheating….
@Mrs Vain–I could have written EXACTLY what you have written. Word for word; with a few additions lol. The XBF was soooo damn good but sooo damn bad. I have spoken to his second wife and one of his OW about this exact thing.
Many hugs of strength to you MrsVain and Hesatthecurb. I can fully understand how both of you feel about the exs. It is well know how these disordered things/cluster B’s place psychological “spell” on us all. During and after the relationship with them you begin to think you can’t live without them. It takes time and much focus to break this “spell” and the coming to terms of seeing the real person they are. The most important thing is breaking free of the hold they these narcissists have over us. It’s ok to miss these things about them because you are grieving a terrible lost of an idea of a person that was not real and also a relationship that you thought had many hopes and dreams they these narcissists made you believe. I had to overcome this also. It took me time but now I know what the ex is. He doesn’t have the power anymore and I will never ever give him back that power. I know the true about him and his followers.
*the truth about him.
i am 2 years out. i am healing and pretty much MEH… There is NO WAY IN HELL i would ever take him back but i do still see what it was i saw in him in the first place. he was still the best looking, good body, and great smelling, mix that in with his “acting” like the kind of man i wanted and welll…. Viola… i totally get why i was addicted.
no worries, i have kicked that addiction. 2 years CLEAN!!! but just like the alcoholic and the meth head, i sometimes get cravings or in this case miss the good things. i will be forever fighting those cravings that he is a good man, that he “could” be the man i need….. And just like the recovering addict, i have to keep my space away from him, or else the pull will be too much….. …. ….
i have NO intention of EVER talking or seeing him again, if i can help it. which is kind of easy for me since he moved out of my town, and even when he is in town we do not hang out in the same circle of people.
Daisy–that list is hysterical! I’ve read it 3 times and it doesn’t lose any punch.
A few too many to list…but the two that stand out the most:
1. Yes, wax (not shave) his hairy back. I’m so embarrassed to even admit that~sigh~
2. When we kissed or had sort of a make out session, his saliva would literally drown me. It was so gross! Slobber…who does that?!? I have a very bad gag reflex and this would literally make me want to vomit. But of course, I never said anything to him in 22 years of being married.
I’m happy to report I’ve been slobber free for 1 year, 10 months, and 12 days.
Yes, the slobbery saliva kisses! What the hell?!? I stopped kissing him bcs it was so gross. I also stopped helping him shave his back so he invented a contraption (like a back scratcher) that he attached to a disposable razor ?
Who’s counting when you’re having so much fun
1. Pick and flick: picking, digging, then examining and flicking the results of picking his ears, eyes, nose and who knows what else.]
2. Skid marks left in toilet, underwear and who knows where else
3. Eating with the most effeminate posture and hand position.
4. Loud snoring, nose-blowing. Even my daughter started complaining.
5. His ugly face-always in a scowl with his nose turned up. Everyone commented to me how he never smiled. I didn’t see that.
6. His incredible emotional immaturity
7. Sex-with him. which was out of the picture for so long it’s humiliating.
At the end, when I now know mine was in another affair before I tossed him out after D-day, he would give me what I call “anus kisses”–his lips were puckered so tightly that it almost hurt to kiss him. Guess someone else was getting the warm kisses then.
anus kisses – that is hysterical, Tempest! I got those, as well. Not only is their cheating directly from the handbook, but it seems their hygiene habits and approach to “intimacy” (or lack thereof) is also textbook.
Wow, I got an “anus kiss” right before D-day. Thought it was strange when it happened, but didn’t put any real thought into it after that. But now it all makes sense. They’re all freaks… that suck (and read the same handbook)…
I got the slobbery kisses too. I liked deep French kissing so I instructed him on how to kiss me – more tongue, no saliva and no smack at the end. One out of every hundred kisses he would get it right. I would get yucky, slobbery kisses and say, “Now give me a good kiss.” One night I was in a store and a Cher song came on, “If you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss” and I couldn’t help thinking about how our kisses weren’t just naturally happening the way I wanted them to and that I was having to work to get the kisses I wanted. I initially thought it was his inexperience but I have also read that these character disordered types like to frustrate women. He also had a tendency to kiss too long – kisses that would have me out of breath and gasping for air. I have read that psychopaths can include aspects of strangulation in their sex lives and that their satisfaction is achieved by seeing their partner gasp for air. There was never a time where he attempted to introduce any aspect of strangulation in our sex life but I now wonder if that is what he was going for with the too-long kisses.
I hope I have the right thread I’m responding to about kissers: Lousy ones and good ones.
Well, some girlfriend taught him how to kiss in high school, and he had it down to an art..Like a movie star kiss, super gentle. It didn’t hurt that he had the most beautiful lips I’ve ever seen on a man.
Yes, very good kisser and I’m sure I couldn’t add up.
His kisses literally made my knees turn to creamed chocolate..
Unfortunately, that was the only thing he was good at….to get a b/j.
3 are impossible. It would be easier to list three things he did well.
1) Stayed employed through adequate effort.
2) Was well-groomed and dressed..
3) Has a likeable persona. Very nice. It was nice that no one would know/see/hassle me about what a dick he was… because he always came across like a really nice guy. Everyone likes him, initially.
Those are his only 3 decent qualities. He did nothing else well.
Insistonhonesty, wow! This hit home with me! I live in a small, small town and during this whole horrible fiasco I would continually run into people who would ask if I was “Mr. Buttheads” wife? (Yeah, he never brought me to many things so no one really knew me!) Then they would go on and on in such glowing terms about how funny, wonderful, helpful, blah, blah, blah he was! One moment sticks out in my memories. The SECOND time I went to the medical office to be checked out for any possible STD’s Mr. Wonderful and Schmoopie may have gifted me with. When I checked out the girl at the desk just kept on and on about how great the old boy was! I wonder if when she entered the code for my visit if she realized that Mr. Great was a POS who was cheating on me? Guess I’ll never know!
My sisters helped me “de-freak” the house when he left. The highlights:
1. Halloween decorations in every room year-round
2. Black lights in fixtures all over the house
3. His name and logo spray painted on the walls
What? What the hell?!?
He would wipe his boogers on the underside lip of the coffee table. When I would clean, I would dry heave while scraping it off. I stopped cleaning it! He got the coffee table, the house, and everything in it when I left…I love my new booger-free home 😀
Oh, you too had a booger problem ? I didn’t copy, I promise, I wrote my post in parallel. 🙂
2. He wouldn’t shower. It was a game to see how many days he could go without a shower. Then, after multiple days, he would say “smell my hair”. I’m dry heaving just re-living these grotesque moments, hello ptsd!
3. Coffee stains on the floor and stairs. He would overfill his coffee cup and drip it on the floor, but mostly up and down the stairs.
Mine would do the same thing. No shower, EVER, but he would wet his hair every morning before work and dry it with the hand towel, then comb it. I can still smell that even now! The mirror would be full of spots and his comb, oh my god, the smell. How people put up with him at work, is beyond me. I could smell him across the room!
I sure don’t miss my ex’s obsessive bathing. Not showering, bathing. He sometimes took 3 baths a day, compulsively after he had a bowel movement. It didn’t matter if we had somewhere to go, or if one of our 5 kids needed a shower-he had first dibs. And he was a greasy monkey, so the tub ring was awful.
He also did this weird frog croaking in the back of his throat, while sticking the end of his glasses in his ear to scratch his ears.
He was also very dogmatic about things he was clearly wrong about. No matter what kind of facts I could dig up about the subject to refute him, he would insist his ideas were right. It was so effing infuriating.
EW! You reminded me! Mine would do that, too! He loved baths in his own stew. He refused to shower before the bath–I would point out how gross it was that he seemed to enjoy steeping in his post-BM bath water. WTF. But he did. I also just thought it was so ridiculously self-indulgent and weird. Another mincing display of his feminine side, lounging in tepid e.coli water.
1) Long dry thick green boogers, that fell off anywhere, especially inside the bed. He could not use a handkerchief, would get very angry if I told him about the repulsive thing growing out of his nose.
2) The habit of buying all books available on the market on a given subject when he had suddenly decided it was his new interest. It cost a lot of money, and took up too much space. Obsessive, really, and never anything good came out of it.
3) His compulsive habit of reconfiguring the solar system every once in a while, ruining my weekends in the process, because I was the one cabling while he was watching TV.
I swear they all read from the same playbook ChumpFromF!! I’m SO grateful to be free of the nonsense!!
1. Him saying, “We need to do _________” when what he really meant was he wanted me to do something for him.
2. Having a spouse who was nicer to the dog than to anybody in the family. When I complained he told me that I don’t deserve to be treated well.
3. A man who asked the children, “Who wants Ice Cream?” as we drove towards the ice cream store. When all the children said they wanted some he didn’t stop. He just said he wanted to know who wanted some.
I could keep going all day, but I’ll stop there.
“we need to…” Omg I could write a huge list off this. In actuality: “I’m gonna do nothing, you figure out how to meet my ‘needs’ when in reality they’re ridiculous wants, and greedy and unnecessary and are about image management or me being lazy” but if I don’t get them, I reserve the right to be a terrible person.
“We need to ….” Over and over and over again!
1. Leaving nail clippings everywhere
2. Weird anti-Semitic streak
3. Preference for bellowing up (or down) the stairs rather than going to the bother of climbing the damn stairs to talk
There are so, so many others.
1. Left me in hospital waiting room when I went for biopsy. Wasn’t there when surgeon said “It’s cancer.” He went home to watch a baseball game on TV.
2. Kept smoking while I had cancer. (Quit drinking when OW demanded it).
3. Never excusing his belching. Hocking loogies. Ugh.
Nodding my head. In 24 years, I drove myself to every surgical and prenatal appointment alone–biopsy for pre-cancerous cells. Alone. Surgery for impacted wisdom teeth. Alone (which necessitated local anesthesia only so I could drive myself home). Ultrasound. Alone. Amniocentesis. Alone.
And he ruined every significant event of the marriage or our children’s ceremonies by misbehaving in one way or the other.
No wonder I haven’t missed him one minute since he left.
I was alone after birth of both children, one with jaundice. Alone for severe migraines, Achilles tendon surgery. Took kids to surgery alone, alone on a family vacation with a child in PICU with pneumonia (he wanted to go to a sporting event). And I hated it! Now, I like to be alone.
OutWest–I’m sorry you suffered those indignities, too. Much lonelier to be in a marriage with an uncaring jerk than to be by one’s self, I find.
1. Complaining about his job and the idiots he works with until he quit for a different job, then the cycle started again….and again…and again. I was dying to tell him he was the common denominator.
2. Eating an entire bag of potato chips and wiping his cheese stained fingers on his pants, or the nasty recliner he sat in.
3. I waited for 5 years to have him fix the drywall in the bathroom after a leak. Then one day I saw him with the drywall supplies and I thought, “finally.” He told me a friend needed his help and he left. It was the OW. Fixing the ceiling was the first thing I did after he was gone. It felt wonderful.
Yes, #1 for sure! I finally said, “do you think maybe you are contributing to your problems at work?” He glared at me and said “what do you mean by that?” And then wouldn’t speak to me…
Yes, Anne, yes!! The job thing!! Every 3 – 5 years it would start: “They don’t appreciate me!” “They don’t know how to run their business!!” “They don’t listen to me!!” He would pick fights with his management, getting fired over it more than once. And since his chosen career is commercial truck sales, paid on strictly commission, he’d plunge us into poverty while he rebuilt business, “Gotta fill the pipeline!” We had to refinance our house twice to get the equity out to pay for the credit card debt we’d run up while he was filling that pipeline. And, when he left, one of the few reasons he gave me was that “all I do is work to pay for the house.” But did he accept the fact that the house would have been paid for over 5 years ago if we hadn’t had to refi so often? Oh, noooooooo……
OMG, geekmom!!! At least you got 3-5 YEARS of him at one job— The Evil One would last maybe 3-6 MONTHS at a job before he started his bullshit… at every job, it was always the same spiel — they’re so impressed with me…they’re going to make me management…” then of course when they didn’t recognize just how awesome and wonderful he was, he would quit or manage to get fired….
The job he has now is about to hit its one-year mark— I’m in shock!!!!
His lack of emotionianal support if the kids or i needed his help but quick to give it to anyone else who needs it.
Needs to diet to lose five pound belly when evwryone can see its a fourty pound belly.
Manscaping which i think is a very unmanly thing to do especially for a big time alpha male. He is a i aint gonna change me for anybody!! Type of guy and he manscapes to almost bald. I cant speak for anyone else but i think thats gross. I dont say its bad for anyone one it just creeps me out.
1. Biting his toenails while he was watching TV. Yes, toenails!!
2. Daily criticism about my weight. He used to say that is not possible for someone that’s overweight to be happy.
3. His weekly lectures about my “flaws”, i.e.: not giving enough in bed to him – 3 times a week wasn’t enough. My weight – what was my plan to change?
Can I add #4? Please??!! His nose hair connecting with his mustache/beard…gross!!
Mine gnawed off his toenails in front of the TV (and kids!), too. WTF???
1. Refusing to flush his dirty toilet paper so instead leaves it laying around on counter tops
2. Going to a resteraunt as a family including the kids and he turns and sits with his back to the family facing a strangers table
3. Having to be the center of attention at every function. Even at funerals it always had to be about how great he is than the deceased
Ok, #1 and #2 are just extra freaky. Wtf?!
1) watching TV as soon as he got home for several hours and most of the weekend while I cooked, cleaned house, gardened, went for a walk, ran errands
2) spending $$$$$$$ every Friday night, leaving me alone at home to go downtown and get drunk and play pool, then return home and slam the front door at 3am or turn on the bedroom light because I wasn’t sleeping or anything
3) his nearly constant bad attitude: bored, anxious, angry, it always became my burden to put him in a better mood
Tv always had to be on like 24/7. Wtf!
I couldn’t stand the fucking TV. It was on all the time. But I got everything including the 65″ TV on the wall. I watched a movie last night (An Unfinished Life). I watched another last week (Breakfast at Tiffany’s). That’s it. I don’t even have cable, satellite or whatever. I didn’t have to listen to anyone sighing or moaning because i wanted to watch what he wanted to watch. I also feel no need to hold the remote at all time. I press plan and set it down. Who knew you could watch TV without holding the remote? Not me.
Way too many typos to correct. Sorry. Need coffee.
Anne, like many of us here, I’m sure we can all relate to the t.v. addicts. Showing my age here, but we didn’t have a t.v until I was 8. We watched I love Lucy..Bonanza, but mom never allowed it on during dinner and so loud the adults (who were also watching) weren’t too loud. Besides, we were always outside playing anyway. X would sit for hours and hours on a beautiful day outside and sit and watch James Bond movies all day. (Thank God he wasn’t into sports too) He didn’t used to be that way. Anyway, I like a very quiet house. If YOU want to listen to music or a t.v. show, plug it into your damn computer or iPod and listen with ear buds. Not shaking the walls in the entire house! It’s rather disrecpectful and I even offered to buy him a really great set of headphones for his bigger than life tv, even better than the surround sound! No deal.
Yeah, there’s compromise in a marriage.
Wow, Lucky, #3 for sure. Always some pissy mood I was somehow responsible for. That’s my #1. I do not miss his toxic negativity.
2. Beard and mustache trimmings left all over the sink, toilet, mirror, and floor several times a week.
3. Hearing, “It’s not my fault!” to virtually everything. It was a constant refrain. If he got 3 speeding tickets in one day–not his fault! The troopers had faulty equipment, they got the wrong car, they had it in for him, it was a trap! Endless. If he lost important documents or broke something of mine–not his fault! I so don’t miss hearing that every day.
Same here. Nothing was ever his fault- and it was always my job to make his mood better or do whatever he needed to make him happy. Ass!!!!
1. Snoring and belching so loud you could hear it in the next county.
2. 30 seconds of sexual effort (that might be generous)
3. Whenever he’d empty the dishwasher he would leave all the Tupperware and pots and pans out on the counter for me to put away. When I asked him why he told me “he couldn’t understand my crazy system.” Ya know of stacking the like containers and putting the lids neatly stacked underneath.
4. When I went grocery shopping he would unpack everything from the bags to inspect what I bought and then leave it on the counter for me to put away.
Too many to name…
1. Insisted I leave the bathroom door WIDE OPEN while I was in there so he could get in “just in case”. When I finally moved out, the first thing I did was to CLOSE the bathroom door, even though I was living ALONE.
2. Having sex with him several times a day EVERY day, because if I didn’t he felt like he was “backed up”.
3. Listening to some of the most insane arguments, such as, that moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer wasn’t part of “doing the laundry”.
Mind if I add one more that I don’t miss?
PORN. In. Every. Single. Room. Of. The. House. Porn channels on t.v. in the living room. Pornographic calendar in the kitchen. Porn on the t.v. in the bedroom. Porn on the computer. Porn in his desk at work. Porn under his seat cushion in the car. Porn in the dining room closet. Porn in a drawer in his workbench downstairs.
Nope. Don’t miss any of that crap!
1. Ate with his mouth open, then pulled out his dentures and licked them off while watching me turn my head in disgust, then he’d smirk.
2. Raging at other drivers while he drove fast and recklessly passing, then raging at me when I’d turn away and cry in fear.
3. Smoking cigars and ALWAYS wanting to hug and kiss afterwards. Oh, he probably had the smirk from my discomfort and I missed it. He started smoking (again) when we started courting, promising to quit and couldn’t be bothered.
Lots of dittos with the above body waste associated stuff. The sex was satisfying but so lonely, how can it be so lonely?
“The sex was satisfying but so lonely.”
Wow… that made me catch my breath. What a great way to sum up something I haven’t been able to put my finger on until now. Thank you for that.
Ditto to the satisfying but lonely. My sister asks me how I was doing this weekend. I told her that sometimes I’m lonely, but I felt lonelier when he was living with me.
Hmmm.. Mine are a bit different. He was raised by a bunch of women and was quite effeminate in a bad way. he was neat but in a very structured and obilvious way to everything else.
1. effeminate. he never peed standing, he sat like a girl, tidy, persnickety ways, everything had a place and he’d have a fit if the the kids or I borrowed some of his stuff. but he’d take our things and never put them back. he’d hand them to you to put away. Very little body hair. Girly hands.
Folded his toilet paper, elaborately, spent inordinate time on the toilet.
2. ALWAYS LATE. He took more time to get ready than any woman I know. Getting out of the house was an hour ordeal. We were never on time to anything.
3. leaving me lists of things of to do for him after I retired. Like I needed to know what to do…
4. withholding of praise. We’d do things and be in festive mood, he would be Debbie Downer and find the one thing that was negative.
5. Did not know how to share with anyone. Took what he wanted of any food, items in the pantry and everyone else be damned
6. Indecisive. I had to make all the big decisions: which childcare to use, homes we bought, car negotiating, investments.
7. Watched at least 40 hours of TV a week: formula one, survivor, great race…I like documentaries where I learned something. He was bored.
8. Incredibly slow reader. I think he had Add, but wouldn’t do anything about it.
9. Kids could be sick or crying, he would take care of himself first.
10. the back of his head was FLAT. Looked like he was put in a backboard as an infant. I came to hate it, not sure why. But it was a representative feature of all his other personality quirks.
1. Always liking the evil character in a movie or TV series (he LOVED Francis Urqhart in the British “House of Cards” series–even more evil than the F.U. in the American series).
2. Saying awkward and inappropriate things to my daughters’ friends.
3. The water bottle by the side of the bed so he didn’t have to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Ewwww to number 3 tempest. Omg just ewww!
Tempest, I am gobsmacked at no. 3. You could not make that crap up. That is just staggering and disgusting all at once.
Off topic, but…
Tempest – well, that is indeed lazy but if X was in bed for a bad toe, for instance and didn’t want to get up, he ‘rang’ for the bedpan. ok, ok, I’m a good nurse. But, the worse was when we took our motorhome across country and he didn’t want to stop and pee. (now, I’ve been walking dogs roadside for years on highways and the jugs of piss the truckers throw in the ditches is very gross and everywhere) Well, he was driving a diesel pusher and was one of those trucker guys, yanno. So, he had me rig up an apple juice container (I had to use glass, gross if plastic) and then empty in the toilet. I’ve cleaned up a lot of his piss daily off the toilet seat but this is one of the grossest things I’d ever had to do. But, hey – we made good time to the dog-shows!
omg – he could actually aim accurately into a water bottle in the middle of the night? I think not.
OMG, EEEEEEEWWWWW @ #3
The Evil One is a trucker too, and he loved bragging about throwing piss-filled bottles out the windows and shit bombs. If he couldn’t get to a bathroom on the road, he would shit on the side of the road in a Wal-Mart bag squatting over a five gallon bucket and just leave it there. Nasty-ass fucker!!!!
1) Whenever we traveled he never lifted a finger. Never booked a flight, never looked at a map, never packed anything or ran out to get any items with might need. Never considered or anticipated what our baby/toddler might need for the trip. He packed his own bag the morning we would leave (even if we were leaving at 5am) and made us run late and then we started every trip out with a fight.
2) Need me a crack eggs for him because despite being a grown-ass man he didn’t know how to crack an egg
3) His sexual selfishness. In 12 years as a couple he went down on me twice. In our seven year marriage the only orgasms I had were self or vibrator induced after he was done and rolled over to go to sleep. He just stopped caring about my sexual satisfaction after we signed the marriage license. That’s no longer an issue.
4) The way he sucked the water off his toothbrush when he was done brushing. (But now my 4 year old is doing it and I am trying to break her of the habit.)
5) The way I had to babysit him in all social settings. I couldn’t relax and have fun because I needed to make sure he was okay since he was incapable of being left alone and making conversation with people on his own. It is so freeing to realize he’s not my problem and I can talk to anybody without worrying about him.
6. Woody Allen movies. Good god. I can’t stand that guy. Sometimes he’d trick me into watching one and I could always tell it was one and he’d get pissed off when I said I didn’t find it funny.
Mine fancies himself a movie snob. He also loves Woody Allen. Also loves really yucky or campy or gorey horror movies. He would try to make me watch them with him. Awful awful awful.
And those god awful guy disgusting movies!!!
Hold on here folks. I am an avid Woody Allen fan. Love most of his movies. (watch Husbands and Wives) for one. OK, sure, he’s a pedophile and big creep with a very weird sense of humor…but, I like his humor and the way he actually nails down Real Life. Start with Annie Hall, if you haven’t seen any others. One of his latest with Scartlett Johhansen called Vicky Cristina Barcelona..
Well, I could go on, but then, I’m from the left coast.
We’ve had this discussion on C/N before. Love the artist – hate his personal life. Look up Dr. Suess.
Variations on your three! (I’m cheating, I’ve got three listed already but I saw yours and had to chime in)
Never planned anything that I was involved with him, including travel. Especially planning for our son. ‘Packed’ (threw a wad of clothes in a suitcase) last minute also. He could perfectly plan his solo ventures.
He could crack eggs just fine but didn’t understand english when I asked about 1,000 times to please not leave the shells in the container and the damn yolk sitting in the sink to dry!!!! Also COULD NOT load a dishwasher. For ex. he would put a large cookie sheet across the top of the dishes. I’d explain why you can’t do that. Then next time he’d not load it and say I always complain when he does. Good grief.
Always just grabbed for sex!! Always. I tried over and over in hopes of guiding him to build up to it a bit but newp. To think he complained I was the unaffectionate one.
#3: Yep, same on here, he expected me to take the downtown train on his knob every single time but he never reciprocated unless I held on on him first. Orgasms?!?!?! What are those mystical magical things you speak of????? Is that an urban legend??? LOL
Sex with him was once a week, if I was lucky, and once he got off, forget it. I had to handle myself. Truly a selfish sexual asshole!!!!!
1. Poems and cards professing his love.
2. Obsessive perfectionism about every aspect of his life, grooming, cleaning, filing…drove me crazy.
3. Knowing I have an auto immune disease and offering me things I could not have constantly (do you want a beer, oh that’s right you cant have it) yet he would come home with a case of beer and wouldn’t buy me bottle of wine.
4. Exaggerated burping and talking baby talk for certain phrases in conversation.
OMG! The cards for birthdays, Mother’s Day, etc. always how much he loved me, how wonderful I was and how committed to me and our marriage he was….all the while screwing hundreds of other women…even on those occasions! Sleeping next to a man who put pillows between you, in case you were too close in a king size bed…because you know he had no sexual feeling and I was celibate for 11 of the 14 years we were married. So many it’s hard to choose…but, aside from all the obvious, his never doing what I asked him too…could you takeout the trash?…what, now? I’ll,do it later…could you help me with the yard work, oh, it looks like rain, tomorrow….could you at least kiss me good nite, this during reconciliation, after two good nite kisses in 8 months, you know I can’t be consistent! I just gave up…and stopped having needs altogether…but he was a great armchair quarterback….hey Jen, let me tell you how to load that car for your trip alone to see the kids, which way to go, how to clean the patio floor…all,from a safe distance…but always, a gosh, sorry I can’t help, wish I could go, sorry you have to do it all alone, you know I’m sorry…just words always words. He never once came through and actually did what I asked him too…
Sounds like he has a madonna/whore complex for real.
The “baby talk”. HUGE RED FLAG. Most borderline women talk baby talk and a man that does that…watch out.
1 – Getting plastered at every social event after just a couple drinks and acting like a drunk monkey
2 – Playing devil’s advocate in every discussion – never owning a position or opinion
3 – Binge watching Californication during the day at the expense of work and being with the kids and me.
1. His allergies and extreme Man Colds every couple weeks. Or was it all the time?
2. Wrestling. Watching it, talking about it, ordering Pay Per Views of it, wearing T-shirts of it. Speaking of T-shirts…
3. Spending money on STUPID, tacky, even for young people but especially tacky on a 40 year old man, Wrestling T-shirts with wrestlers, both men and women, on them and wearing them in public and then inevitably leaving them on the bahtroom floor. — Did anyone see that scene in the movie Juno when Jennifer Gardner tells Jason Batemen “Your T-shirt is stupid.” And that’s the moment they really, really know they are not meant for each other and have different life goals and get divorced. That scene makes so much sense to me.
Oh Right Brained the ex had allergies also. He was on so many different kinds of meds for it. So many of them I cannot even recall them all. I have forgotten so much about him this post today is getting me to remember how terrible he really is.
Isn’t it cathartic? So much of what wasn’t on my top three is reflected here in others’ comments. This is fun!!!!!
Right Brain – yep, remember that scene in Juno. Everybody should see that movie.
Only 3!- you’re so mean CL. In no particular order of horribleness
Skid marks on bed sheets – I’m too sexy for my shorts/ too sexy for my shorts (a la Right Said Fred)
Refusing to wash up, even when he’d cooked and used every damn pot and utensil in the kitchen
Chain smoking in house, particularly when I had migraine (cause and effect?)
Telling the same stories over and over again and repeating them again and again in the same conversation repeats himself constantly but no one else can look out! He will point that out!
Speaks his mind no matter whos feelings could get hurt. One day he will tell the kids some things he feels and they will turn their backs on him. Funny how he never had bad feelings about our kids till perfect flawless whore juice and her family came along and then his own family sucks. I hate him for the shit he said.
Loves the dogs till hes mad and they get in his way then he hates them.
Stinky armpits and says he never smells but manscapes to look good. How about smelling good asshole?
God this is fun! And freeing!!!
There seems to be a hygiene theme emerging here…
I wonder if we could play bingo with this stuff… dirty fingernails (check), smelly farts (check), atrocious table manners — BINGO!
3 is way to limited Chump Lady for us chump. Ha!
Wishing you the best with your move btw.
I noticed especially poop traces and road rage as common denominator.
But no poop rages?
I do not miss:
1. If he was at home the television was turned on ALL. THE. TIME. (I was going to say, if he was home and awake, but now I remember he didn’t need to actually be awake to have the TV on.)
2. Him ruining special occasions like saying something rude to make one of the kids cry while we’re picking out a Christmas tree.
3. Him complaining that I never made any effort for us to visit his family, then pretending to be gone or busy when they called on the phone.
This is great!
1. While it was nice that he was a pretty decent cook…..he constantly would tweek my recipes to make it better than me and then brag about it like he was Bobby Flay himself!
2. Watching the same damn movies repeatedly. To the point where you know all of the lines.
3. He would wait until I cleaned our enormous bathroom (took FOREVER!) and then he would man-scape and leave his hair everywhere!
Here are some I don’t miss:
1. Cleaning poop stains out of his underwear.
2. Cleaning poop smears on the outside of the toilet bowl.
And if it couldn’t get worse…
3. Him using my tweezers (for my eyebrows) to pluck his butt hairs…and then just putting them back without washing/disinfecting them.
Honorable mention goes to 4. Using my good sewing scissors to cut his nose hairs.
OMG Really same here! And shaving his nasty back and ass. I always said that all of his hair on his head fell out and super glued themselves to his back and ass and legs. So nasty! Now I never said that in front of him of course. If I did I would had to deal with his rage.
Reading all the other comments is reminding me of so many more.
I knew I could come up with more…………….
4. His road rage! It was uncontrollable. It made me so tense.
5. When he would get a cold…..he would clear his throat…..All. Night.Long.!!!
6. His only household chore was to cut the grass and he waited until the dogs would pee in the house because the weeds/grass were so high…..they could squat to pee!!! Not to mention that in a nice neighborhood, we looked like rednecks. And I had wonder flower gardens you couldn’t even see because the grass was so tall.
Wow….lots of typos on that…..I got carried away. *couldn’t squat to pee. *wonderful flower gardens
oh Kimmy same here. The ex had so many accidents and he could not drive for anything. I had to get him to pull over many times so I could drive. It was not safe for anyone. Of course it was my fault.
OMG I forgot about the road rage. He would constantly ride on the bumper of the people in front of him which made me very nervous and he seemed to get off on it. He would swear and flip people off if they didn’t get out of his majesty’s way when he rode on the their bumper.It got so bad that I started taking my motion sickness meds whenever I had to drive anywhere with him. They always make me a little loopy and sometimes his driving made me sick anyway…I only use motion sickness medication for motion sickness these days.
HA! Omg….YES! And my teenage daughters would just look so horrified in the backseat! The learned very quickly to just keep their mouths shut.
NOT to genderize Road rage, because I can be guilty too, but I’ve learned to wave like Kate Middleton, yanno, quick wave – thanks for letting me cut you off after they just gave me the finger (you tourist who don’t know what you’re fricking doing while you rubber-neck, and I try to smile at everybody, in case it’s my mistake or theirs and trying to get business down around town. Gender? Well, I find men (sorry Arnold but glad you’re still around for an opinion) that they have to outrun other drivers. We had issues in our big motorhome (think, ‘Lost In America’, for one), where motorbikes will come up and kick you in the sides of your coach. Once, a couple of thugs outside Tri-Cities, WA. They tried to take us over for something they perceived as wrong doing, in a stupid little ‘hot car’…so, we brought Luther, the 190# Great Dane to the front and they put their gun away while we called 911 and they sped away. Very scary. I must be off topic, but I believe in a good protective dog. There is no reason anybody should terrify you with their driving if you are a passenger. That IS abuse and very scary.
Kimmy, YES!!! The road rage……I would literally cry behind my sunglasses with the road rage. His tailgating, swearing, flipping them off, cutting them off….numerous accidents! I don’t miss that…..I’d rather drive the way I do-normal speed, cautious and respectful. (My son says like “Driving With Miss Daisy.)
Lets see: Only 3?
!) The cheapest MF I’ve ever met. One example was taking his mother and I out for lunch….took us to WAWA for a sandwich, paid and stood there to be thanked!!
2) Constantly “readjusting” his balls in public…..”they stick to together, I need to fix it.”
3) Leaning over his plate while eating as though someone was going to steal it while not appearing to come up for air. I swear he finished his meals in less than a minute!
SHUDDER!!!!!!! And at the end, never thanking me for the gourmet meals I would spend hours making! Fucking rat bastard!!!
Thanks for letting me share.
Many of them have certain issues in common: being hygeinically challenged…road rage…obsession with bathroom functions, ie elimination…considers spouse as a second class citizen.. Wow
My ex had severe OCD tendencies and had a weird ritual in the toilet where he would pee with his fishing tackle inside the bowl. Once done he would shake then take two pieces of toilet paper to wipe his bum and two more folded carefully to dab his ‘end’. Then he’d wash his willy under the tap and flush and then wash his hands. When he was infatuated with young woman he then began constantly exfoliating his feet creaming them then putting on socks and nothing else for bed other than slathering his head with regaine. Definitely strange activities looking back
When mine was infatuated with sister in law or coworker he reeked of binaca breath spray 24-7. He began bringing a grooming kit to work with him in his car…toothbrush…toothpaste…mouthwash…hairbrush…breath strips…but when not infatuated returns to default state: plaquey teeth ” because if you dont eat breakfast then no need to brush teeth..”that white gunk between his teeth and awful breath…
Holy mazola.. this is probably going to be the most-commented Chump Lady thread EVER.
I have some prime candidates. There was the day-to-day stuff, of course, but since my understanding that my ex was Borderline Personality Disordered, I realized that I couldn’t have done a damn thing…
1. …when I’d ask her if [some option, in any context] was okay, and she was NOT okay with it, she wouldn’t say so. She would say something vague like “if you want”, and instantly put me into a lose-lose situation. If I then pursued the option, she would give me angry silent treatment because I didn’t read her mind. If I abandoned the option, she would get pissed as though I were blaming her for preventing me from getting something I wanted. This happened ALL the TIME for the most pointless things (e.g., “should we stop at the grocery store on our way to Ikea?”).
2. …whenever she didn’t succeed at something the first time, rather than look for another tactic, she would DESTROY whatever it was she was working on/toward– so that she’d then be able to say confidently that she didn’t fail, but that whatever-it-was couldn’t be done. (I perceived very early on that this could potentially be how our marriage would end and, sadly, it was.)
3. …whenever something went wrong, it was always my fault. I’m not exaggerating. When, for example, she’d be running late for work in the morning, just standing in the path of where she wanted to walk was grounds for a profanity-laden insult, as though I were trying to deliberately screw things up; if I dared to make a suggestion about how to get out the door faster, she would deliberately do it wrongly and then blame me for making things worse. And that’s just one example.
In short, I’m far far better off without her. I just wish I hadn’t had to go through the trauma of infidelity to get rid of her (and finally see the spackle for what it was). And praise the blessed saints that I never bred with the fuckwit.
Your #1 point – I can so relate – a passive-aggressive type is so horrible to deal with in itself, but then you add their cheating and lying to the concoction, you have the most evil brew of fuck. I’d rather have an ice-pic driven through my balls than deal with that ever again.
1. Would snack on an entire bag of pistachio’s and leave the shells piled up in his ash tray…that would end up overflowing on the table.
2. Always took a full glass of milk with him to bed. ( after his 4 martini’s ) Would only drink half and left the remaining warm milk along with the milk ring on the nightstand for me to clean up the next morning.
3. Never used a napkin while eating at home, just wiped his hands on his pants.
The list could go on for days, but it’s a great reminder of all the things we no longer have to put up with.
#1 omg still finding fucking pistachio shells in my house
It’s hard to narrow it down to three.
1/ His family. What a complete bunch of weirdos. All of them.
2/ His sensitive little baby nose. He went around with a perpetual look of disgust because he always “smelled” something bad. These are the people the entire air freshener/scented everything industry is built around. I’ve known several of these guys and they are always lousy lovers. Too bad they can’t smell the odor of bullshit always emanating from them.!
3. His exaggerated belief of his own “goodness”. He really thought he was the Best Catch on the planet. His reputation as a good guy was his primary concern. He and the whore loved discussing how fat and nasty I am. News flash, I’m not in that boat alone. Too bad him and the whore never got together so she could see what was really under that perceived mask of the perfect Mr. Wonderful.
1) My x had a sensitive baby nose too. Hated to smell of just about everything, including coffee and popcorn. Would always make you feel bad for drinking/eating something pleasant to you because it was so awful to him. This led to him not being able to walk the dog because his sensitive baby nose couldn’t handle the smell of dog poop. But the rest of us loved it! This impacted our sex life too…
2) Withholding of sex (lame but I still wanted it). In hindsight, this was his power trip over me – he know I wanted more, therefore he wouldn’t give it to me. I would come home from parties where women complained about their spouses wanting so much sex and wanted to cry. Mine never did – he was very asexual, and it sucked when we did have it. I did all the work. I know this now that I have been out with others – all of them 10 times better than him at giving and caring about me having fun too. It’s nice to know it wasn’t me… It is so fun to be with a man who enjoys sex and enjoys making me happy.
3) Eating like a 6 year old. DIdn’t like any sauces on anything, no casseroles, no mixing and matching of foods, no grapes, popcorn, pineapple, tomatoes, mushrooms, peas, cream cheese on bagels, guacamole, sushi – only ketchup and mustard on hamburgers, only appetizers on a menu he would eat were chips and salsa. It totally sucked cooking for him and going out to eat with him. When you spend so much of your life eating, it is very hard to be with someone where food was not pleasurable. I enjoy trying new things and new foods – was very hard to do with him.
Thank you – ex – for being a liar and a cheat so I could leave you and see how wonderful life can be when spent in the company of those who truly appreciate the little things in life like smells, sex and food!
^^^THIS^^^… I had the same experience… sexless marriage the last two years (because I confronted him about using a picture from our wedding day in a personal ad – shame on me!)… and the years prior, sex was sporadic and boring. I always thought I enjoyed sex (and foreplay)… but by the end of my marriage, his gaslighting had me convinced I was the asexual one! I look forward to rediscovering this aspect of myself when the divorce dust has cleared.
And… same thing with the bland food. His mashed potatoes couldn’t touch his steak, needed a separate plate for them… but no problem layering the creamed corn on top of them. He later bragged how the OW introduced him to grilled broccoli and he really liked it… is he a 2 year old wanting praise for trying new foods as a 49 year old?
I think there is a connection between not being adventurous in bed (with me) and not having an adventurous palate… but maybe I’m just seeing things.
Ear-shattering snoring — 33dB (like washing machine loudness). Elbow him to stop and he wouldn’t wake up– he’d just respond by firing a volley of farts out of his backside somehow.
Even worse were his toilet noises. He’d close the door to the bathroom (I was grateful he even did that), and for the first 60-120 seconds it sounded like it was 1942 all over again and the Luftwaffe were flattening the East End of London. I swear the windows would rattle in their frames. Seriously who DOES that? EVERY time ALL the time? Then there’d be a peaceful 2 minutes. And then the ‘all clear’ siren would go off — that’d be his singing. Whenever he was finished emptying himself, and as he was unfurling toilet tissue and wiping, he’d sing. Every time, all the time.
Don’t get me started on the skidmarks.
OMG!!! YOU win!! Please do tell more…
@HopeandGloria—I normally detest/avoid any sort of ‘potty humor’ but your account is one of the funniest things I HAVE EVER READ. Geez, that is hysterical…..Bless your heart for living with that 🙂
Him having to watch HIMSELF having sex with me in a full length mirror. He’d lose his erection if he could not pretend that he was the main stud in a Porn film no matter how much I tried to stimulate him.
Him spending $50 a night on hard liquor…AND another $1500 a month on food for TWO people. Two thirds of that food ended up rotting in the fridge or freezer burned and thrown out.
Him using gasoline to restart a fire in our wood stove after letting it nearly go out. I would stand twenty feet away from him and watch…hoping that he’d become one with the flames since he never became one with me.
$270,000 worth of credit card debt first two years of marriage after I paid off HIS $100,000 debts prior to marriage to get a “fresh start”…$40,000 loss with the click of a mouse day trading on commodities…$50,000 loss from him buying a pontoon boat and diving gear for a gold hunting adventure…$80,000 loss buying a vending business 2000 miles away that went belly up within four months. All this the first four years of marriage until I filed bankruptcy and removed the ability to get more loans for his bright ideas.
I hear you on the food! I am in utter shock at how much less I spend on groceries and beer/liquor now!! The laundry is a tenth what it was as well!! In fact, my picking up after two little boys is down to one now, with just my son remaining at home.
It has been amazing to me how much less I spend on groceries, and what I actually bring into the house, we actually eat!!! I got so tired of throwing away wasted left-overs, or gone-bad food he insisted he needed/wanted.
OMG, I literally laughed so hard tears started streaming out of my eyes reading this!
HopeAndGloria, I nominate you to write the script for the ChumpNation movie! (Although non-chumps might never believe us.)
Daily Chumpnation talk show!
Looking back, I think he actually gave me a nervous breakdown. So I can’t say he never gave me anything.
There was a defining moment when I realised that I could hear the downstairs neighbour buttering his toast. The man’s kitchen in the flat below was situated right under our bathroom — I curled up on the sofa in horror knowing that if I could hear him buttering his toast, he was doing it while having to hear the Bombing of Dresden going on above his head. I always think of that poor, poor man, just trying to prepare a simple breakfast in peace.
Changing the bed linen was like a ride through a very bad haunted house in the world’s crappest amusement park. Tug off the fitted sheet from his side of the bed and BOO! out fly two yellow and white crusty little ‘ghosts’ that would drift to the floor. Those were the mopping-up tissues he’d use after a round of porn-or-phone-sex-driven self abuse which he’d then tuck away into the elastic edge of the fitted sheet — to dry, I guess?
OMG, HopeAndGloria, I am HOWLING!! You are so funny!!
1. Endless rotation of Top Gear
2. Him leaving his socks on the living room floor
3. Me always taking care of things and then being told I was controlling while he pouted like a little boy
I loves me some Top Gear and Star Wars. Those aren’t necessarily deal-breakers.
Raising my hand–I loved Top Gear, too! (though I can see how Nord was irritated by 24/7 watching of it)
I didn’t hate Top Gear until each and every episode was watched approximately 5 millions times. These days the sound of Jeremy Clarkson’s voice makes my left eye twitch.
Repeated watchings? That sounds awful.
And I agree with the Jeremy Clarkson assessment. He makes me quesy too. Such a pompous bore. Too bad he hasn’t offed himself in a fiery crash in his beloved Mercedes.
Hahaha… it’ll happen one day. Now that he threw his toys out of the pram after the BBC ditched him I imagine his shenanigans will only get more ridiculous. He’s such a man-child.
I have to be fair here, and start with a disclaimer — this is not just because he was male. I object to the behaviors because they were not demonstrated before we married, and they were constant sources of irritation while we were married. I have had horrible female room mates, too — while I was in college, I was appalled at the evident lack of common decency and good hygiene displayed. But those were short term relationships with common strangers, and I was not usually in a position to express my distaste and displeasure with these females. I objected, loudly and frequently, to the behaviors my then husband displayed on a daily basis, and my joy at not having to live with another human in my home is closely tied to the fact that I do not have to endure these behaviors, anymore.
The three areas of greatest disgust are:
1) Bathroom behavior — Never cleaning the bathroom after he had used it, including anything left in the shower, the toilet, on the floor, and clumps of toothpaste and shaving crème (with hair) in the sink. Leaving all grooming products including toothpaste, deodorant, shaving crème and razor on the sink, and hair on the sink, floor and any other available surface. Never getting another roll of TP when he had used the last of a roll. Not putting away the blow dryer, leaving wet towels on the floor or the bed, dirty clothes on the floor or chair — even though a hamper was readily available. Belching and Farting at will, wherever he was. Clipping nails in bed or on the couch, never picking up the clippings. I really wanted to study witchcraft so that I could take his hair and clippings and perform voodoo rituals which would hopefully cause him to spontaneously combust — but I couldn’t find a good Witch Doctor who was taking new pupils. He was also able to ignore sarcasm — “Did you hire a maid? Which household chores are you going to do today? Were you raised with indoor plumbing? Did the other goats act this way when you were home in the herd?”
2) Kitchen behavior — using every pot, bowl and dish whenever a meal/snack was made, never wiping down the stove or the counter, dropping all variety of things on the floor, without cleaning it up, never doing dishes, never taking out the trash. Never could make an entire meal by himself, although he did have several entrees that were very good, he had to have help marinating, cleaning and chopping any vegetables or fruits, and of course I had to have all ingredients on hand in order for him to work his magic, and I was supposed to know what those ingredients were by using my ESP. He always required great praise for any accomplishment or effort, although my insignificant amount of everyday cooking and cleaning was just taken for granted, and was nothing to offer a simple “thanks” for.
3) Bedroom expectations — I should always wear provocative clothing and be ready at any and every moment to fulfill his “needs” without any concern for me having any needs of my own. I should freely expect to be fondled at will — wherever we were when he felt the need to fondle. I should not be concerned that he had ED issues which he refused to acknowledge or address, because, obviously, they were all my fault because I was not doing something right or I was not enthusiastic about doing anything to “take care of him” without expecting him to go to “a lot of useless trouble” to get me in the mood. Things like, being nice to me, complimenting me, making me feel desired, talking to me. I expected DATES for God’s sake — and we were married! How immature of me. Hey — grabbing my breasts when I emerged from the shower and was trying to get ready for work in the morning — that counts as foreplay, right?
Seriously, is it any wonder that desire goes away when this is how your “lover” treats you? Even without the knowledge of the cheating and lying, what was I thinking when I was putting up with this???
“Did the other goats act this way when you were home in the herd?”
This is hysterical! I’ve owned goats.
“Bedroom expectations — I should always wear provocative clothing and be ready at any and every moment to fulfill his “needs” without any concern for me having any needs of my own. I should freely expect to be fondled at will — wherever we were when he felt the need to fondle. I should not be concerned that he had ED issues which he refused to acknowledge or address, because, obviously, they were all my fault because I was not doing something right or I was not enthusiastic about doing anything to “take care of him” without expecting him to go to “a lot of useless trouble” to get me in the mood. Things like, being nice to me, complimenting me, making me feel desired, talking to me. I expected DATES for God’s sake — and we were married! How immature of me. Hey — grabbing my breasts when I emerged from the shower and was trying to get ready for work in the morning — that counts as foreplay, right?”
OMG this is my ex too. If I didn’t want him or it for whatever reason? Look out. He turned into the biggest bitch for MONTHS. Always, always trying to cop a feel. Well he can go to town on himself now, lol.
1. His selfishness.
2. Automatic “no” in response to any request I made. (See #1)
3. His anger.
4. His tirades.
5. Always checking himself out in the mirror. (never met a mirror he didn’t love)
6. Posting pics of family on FB, while carrying on a secret life.
7. His Love of conspiracy theories.
8. His boredom (like an 8 yo, really)
9. Always putting 3-4 gallons of gas in the car, 2-3 times per week rather than a fill-up.
10. Job with sucky hours, no set schedule.
That was liberating. Thanks for this subject, CL!
#7 ugh hated arguing with him about all that shit. He was so fucking ignorant
9. Always putting 3-4 gallons of gas in the car, 2-3 times per week rather than a fill-up.
Yes !!!!!!!! Finally someone else whose Ex did this, thought I was going mad…………:-)
1. Getting so drunk, he would wake up in the middle of the night and pee on anything and everything and I had to clean it up!
2. Him complaining about my hair (wanted me to go darker, so I try a bit darker and when I walk in, all I get was “well, it’s a step in the right direction”; he later told me he wanted me to dye it black with pink stripes…umm wtf?!) and my clothes (shorts too short- he wanted me in knee shorts and baggy shirts…)
3. All he wanted was his own welding business, so I find a lawyer and we start our own company, then he says “you mean, I’m going to have to work all day at my job and then come home and have to work at nights and weekends too to get the business going??” Zero ambition and drive and basically wanted everything handed to him…b/c apparently, you can’t become an overnight millionaire by playing Clash of Clans 24/7.
His farting and horrible poops. The worst smell in the world. Something was rotten inside him (his soul? his morals?). Even his car smells like ass.
1. Yelling at the toddler whenever she hurt herself! That was his default stress reaction. He once pinched her finger in the door and screamed at her for putting it there. She was two at the time.
2. Leaving his jizz socks, t-shirts, towels, etc. under the couch in the family room. Meanwhile, I was in bed alone, again…
3. Cutting his toenails and then smelling them before putting them in the garbage. Not really “douchey” but just plain gross…
1. He only talked about 2 topics: Sports and his work
2. He saved boxes for every household appliance/gadget we owned.
3. Never responding when I would talk to him
4. His micromanaging
5. Repeating the same stories about his frat days (which was almost 30 years ago)
OMG people, what is it with cheaters and shit? I’m definitely seeing a common thread here.
So, I’ll add mine.
My cheater would proudly – and often – tell people that he only took a shit once a week, and it was only on Thursdays. It was the strangest thing, because I lived with him, and I can promise that there was NO truth to his only-shitting-once-a-week-and-only-on-Thursdays story. I never corrected him in public, because for “some” reason, he was very proud to tell people this oh-so-interesting factoid about himself, so I figured I would just let him run with his little weirdo lie…. though sometimes, depending on my mood, if I walked by or into the bathroom on a non-Thursday and I could easily smell that he had “compromised the integrity” of the bathroom, I would shout out to him “It’s NOT Thursday!!”. He never responded.
Fucking weird, right?
In retrospect, I guess it was just another way for him to tell people how cool and special and different he was. And just a minor lie in the long lie barf of lies that spewed with ease out of his lying liar hole.
I could list 100 other Douchiest Things About Him That I Don’t Miss, but I think with all due respect to CL, I’m gonna just go with the hooker habit and the gas lighting.
Thanks GiveTimeTime – found myself laughing aloud as I read your post. My cheater would tell the same stories over and over and with each telling become more exaggerated to the point of being a lie.
That is fucking weird
Her kleptomania. She has gotten caught several times from numerous store securities, once my young daughter was with her when she got caught.
Her impulsivity issues of running the credit cards on just buying anything. Interesting enough she would put those purchases on credit cards that I didn’t know existed but were under my name. She also opened a CC under my Mom’s name. WTF!!
Her morning breath was awful; it smelled like a pack of elves took turns taking a dump in her mouth while she was sleeping.
1. Asking where to go for dinner. I tell him he is free to choose, I’m happy with wherever he’d like to go. He gets mad at that so I suggest a place, he doesn’t want to go there, I say ok you decide, he says No, you already picked it, so we HAVE TO GO THERE. What are you 5 years old?
2. From the time we married I had to handle the finances because he said he’d just spend it all. Then he gets mad when I actually have us on a budget and he can’t spend all our cash on crap.
3. Watching the game on tv. Then watching the highlights of the game. Then re-watching the highlights programs. Again. And then… AGAIN.
1. Mormon underwear. Nothing against Mormons, but that stuff could turn the hottest body into frump. I would wear uncomfortable butt-floss for him because that was what he liked, yet when I asked if he could wear some silk boxer shorts I had gotten him for a weekend out, it was “how dare you persecute my religion!” He never seemed to figure out why the butt-floss went in the trash after that.
2. The way he would just devour food and snacks without any regard for whether anyone else wanted to have any. Leave him alone with a box of Girl Scout cookies and I promise, that box would disappear in less than 20 minutes. I kid you not, this morning I couldn’t find the Pop Tarts, so I asked my 9 year-old daughter where they were. “I hid them so Daddy wouldn’t eat them,” she said, and ran to retrieve the box from my walk-in closet. HIS OWN DISABLED DAUGHTER LIVES IN FEAR OF HIM DEVOURING HER FOOD EVEN IN THE SHORT TIME HE’S THERE TO PICK THEM UP.
3. His stupid aspirations to being a writer. He thinks because he’s friends with Brandon Sanderson (look him up) that his shit is really good and he’s bound to get published eventually, as if good writing can happen through osmosis. I used to dabble in writing urban fantasy, but every time I thought I had a good idea, he would be all like, “Ooo, let’s write this novel together!” If I tried to say no, he would mope that I didn’t want to work with him because his ideas were terrible (it was the truth!). So I would say yes out of guilt, whereupon he would commence polluting my stories with his terrible writing and terrible ideas.
Sorry mine are so long. I’m still working through shit.
Forgot one: always taking the last of something without asking if anyone else wanted any more. But getting pissed if anyone took the last of something without checking with him.
1. X acted as the food police. He inspected each thing I brought home, and if it didn’t meet his high standards of organic, sustainable, locally grown granola bullshit, he wanted it placed in an area away from HIS food.
2. X never, and I mean NEVER, sought me out for a conversation unless I happened to be using the bathroom. Then he just HAD to talk to me about his day. He did this because he knew I hated it. Then he would call me ‘uptight.’
3. Asking for my input and then resenting me for it. Example: In our last house, there was a bedroom that he wanted to make into his office, and he asked me what he should do. Not wanting to fall into his trap, I said that I had no ideas, and no opinion. He said I was being unhelpful, so I caved in and gave him a few suggestions. He went ahead and hired a guy to do the work. I had no further involvement in the project. When the room was complete and looking fantastic, I happily asked him how he liked it. “It is not what I would have wanted” was his reply.
1. The cheese thing. Any meal, no matter what the heck it was, seemed incomplete to him without shredded cheddar on top. After laboring over a meal to make it perfect per the recipe, and trying valiantly to keep it warm while he took his time getting home (drunk) as late as he pleased from work, he would finally sit down at the table and get right back up and start grating cheese. I don’t care if it’s some elaborate asian seafood meal. GRATED CHEDDAR OR DEATH! By the time he finally sat back down and put 3 tbsp of pepper on his food slowly and refreshed his beer and God knows what else, I was long done with my dinner, even having tried to eat slowly. Hooo boy you can bet I don’t miss eating with him.
2. The racist jokes. Sorry, they’re just not cute. Not when you’re with relative strangers, or your closest relatives. Still not cute. “Guh huh guh huh guh huh I don’t really think that way, I’m just kidding.” No, your sense of humor speaks for you, you embarrassment to all humans everywhere.
3. The “exspecially” thing. I’m persnickety about grammar too, but I’m also persnickety about manners and one of the most basic forms of politeness is not correcting people in public, but gliding over their mistakes as best as possible so as not to call unnecessary attention to them. This guy HATED when someone pronounces the word “especially’ like this: “ex-specially.” Okay, I’m sure we all hate it. I do too. But he would sigh audibly and go “I’m sorry. What’d you just say? That word. Yeah. EX-SPECIALLY. You DO know it’s esss-specially, right?” What a know-it-all dickhead.
Bonus round: He would make a huge deal about presenting a unified front as a married couple, and not badmouthing each other or humiliating each other in front of others. But if I was talking in to someone else at a party like 20 feet away from him, and he heard me use the pronoun “I” or “mine” instead of “we” or “ours” (for example, “my house is pretty old” instead of “our house is pretty old”), he would zip right over and tear me down in front of the aghast party guest, then later use it as a reason to accuse me of “never seeing us as a team” or some shit. Which, trust me, made it EXTRA hilarious when he decided to put all his er…”eggs” in a rando waitress’ basket instead of in our “teams'” basket. lolllllllllllllllllll
Here’s some English teacher love for you. It’s a terrible thing to correct people’s pronunciation or grammar in public. Good for you that you understand what’s important.
Dear Chumps in your early days: While you are suffering from the shock and pain of infidelity, you may not yet be thinking about the horrible things you have put up with. But there will come a time when you will be see that freedom from gross, disgusting, cruel and selfish behaviors is all part of “gaining a life” after you get rid of the Cheater.
I see more of these behaviors with my XH the drinker than with Jackass. But just goes to show what we spackle over in order to save a relationship that gives us nothing, or next to it.
1. Leaving his snot around the house
2. Tailgating other cars
3. His drinking
4. Kicking my dog
5. Pissy moods
6. Loser drunk friends
7. Need for orange and purple carrots
8. Obsession with work
9. Entitled family of in-laws
10…and on it goes…
1. His incessant complaints about our dogs, our children and our home: about them making or being a mess, that they didn’t respect him….this along with his consequent constant sighing and muttering under his breath as if he were the victim of a great outrage, although it was merely normal family life.
2. His obsession with minor details of his consulting business- i.e. he could obsess for weeks over the wording of a certain paragraph, or the color for the trim in his f***ing business brochures, and he was annoyed when neither I nor our children wanted to obsess along with him. (Sometimes he’d be asking me over and over about the shade of the brochure’s trim, and I’d want to respond: “Dude, I’m preparing to pick a jury tomorrow morning, I don’t care).
3. His manner of speaking and misdirecting conversations. He had a pompous way of using odd and overly formal words and phrases when speaking, he refused to directly answer questions, and he had an ability to distract any conversation from the main point until it ended in frustration. It was maddening.
DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK TO CUT THESE DOWN TO ONLY THREE?????
OMG Kelly!! “The constant sighing and muttering under his breath.”
A thousand times this, I really relate to this. Wow, I’d forgotten that
Yes, the “great outrage” and “personal insult” of a less than pristine house because you have children and pets! Been there!
1. Omg the constant complaining about the kids, the house, work. Complains about everything – how life is so difficult and hard and it is “inhuman” to have to do as much as he does (he actually used the word inhuman). This said while he spends all afternoon and evening on the couch while I took care of the kids, cleaning etc. One time while he was complaining about how all he did was cook and clean the kitchen, I confronted him. I pointed out to him that in actuality he was complaining from the couch while I was in the kitchen. And that he had been sitting there since he came home, and had been served dinner by me. And that I always do the cooking. Even though he gets home from work 30-60 min before me. That was a long rant…
2. The constant loud belching, and picking his nose.
3. The constantly staying up late, often with quite a bit of alcohol, and then being mad at me and the kids for “making” him late for work. It must be our fault that he he couldn’t get up in the mornings.
I don’t miss:
Entitlement that permeated every moment of the day and night.
Rage when caught in a lie.
Neglected classic automobiles littering the yard that were functioning beautifully before he bought them
Incessant talking about problems because of……
Entitlement, did I say entitlement, let me say that 100 more times
Horrible personal hygiene
Continuous feeling of being duped
1. Forgot to flush the toilet, even after a poop (enjoy my STBXH OW!!), that was pretty shitty.
2. Always hurrying me “Come on, hurry, hurry!!”, guess he hated anything that slowed down HIS activities
3. “Look, listen [insert long agitated monologue about why something I did was wrong and should be his way]”… micromanaging me
Only three things????? God, I have so many… missed some red flags huh. Road rage, not paying attention to when I talk (unless see point 3.), addictions and being out late to drink lots, oh and not investing anything in fixing up the (his) house… I paid it!! Not saving any money and throwing a fit when I even mentioned. Never any presents or attentiveness really… well very little.
Oh but there are so many to choose from!!
1. HIS FAMILY – yahoo! Ding dong the witches are dead!
2. His porn/video game addiction
3. His general laziness/slovenliness/inactivity/fear of the unknown/fear of new things
Wait…why did I date him again? Oh right, because I’m a chump who looks for the good 😉
Some not so trivial (and sorry it goes beyond 3 – I need this today!!!)
1) Shit skids on our sheets, and underwear.
2) SnoRRRrrrRRRrrring so loud and sharp – my son, when he was little, would get up; go over to him, and whack him. That stopped after my ex raged at him ….. then my son pleaded with me to make him stop (that didn’t work either).
3) Constantly watching money go out like a perpetual vacuum, and being literally in the RED for 30+ years.
4) Finding Barely Legal site on my computer when I powered up. His trolling of that site was all my fault of course (not enough sex ….. but NO amount of sex was ever good enough anyway).
5) Playing hours and hours (no exaggeration) of games on the computer or cell phone when he should have been billing or working
5) Dark socks and sandles
6) Letting our lawn grow to knee-hi and wouldn’t let me use the mower. One day when he was at work, I got so sick of how it looked I got on and did it anyway, but broke the mower. Boy did I hear about that.
7) His guilt trips
8) Having to fold his boxer shorts “just so”.
9) His for-real plan to replace his rotting teeth with implants – while owing other people more than I care to say.
10) HIS negative attitude while accusing me of same.
a) Having to ALWAYS be angry at someone, or some situation. He was NEVER content in the 30+ years I knew him.
11) Rarely had anything nice to say about my dad or my mom (I admit the latter is difficult).
12) He was a HUGE hypocrite
13) His near constant criticism of me with little positive acknowledgement FOR YEARS. At one point, I actually kept a daily log, because I thought it was me, and had heard for so long how I “couldn’t take criticism”.
14) The way he ran our vehicles into the ground.
15) There are worse things I won’t list here.
Oh honey, I hear you on the worse things we don’t want to list here. (((Hugs)))
Oh god Barely Legal. The ex was a HUGE fan of that Barely Legal crap. It demonstrates a particularly skeevy, nasty, perverse mindset when nothing else about ‘a female’ matters other than her being almost a child.
1. Clearly liked the dog more than me.
2. Expected me to be a mind reader.
3. If I didn’t agree with his opinion about ANY subject he would accuse me of deliberately trying to start an argument.
4. Was jealous of any attention I gave to others – often that included the children.
Hmm so many to pick from. So many lines from my now x-wife.
1. When I try and act like a father I was told that I knew nothing about parenting because my parents never loved me.
2. Every time something good happened at work and I would share it, instead of getting a congratulations I was told not to fuck it up with my personality.
3. Being told all of my friends are worthless and just use me but all of her friends are A++ top notch!
There are more but those are some of the top ones!
1. His horrible, xenophobic, Fox News-obsessed, proselytizing, holier-than-thou-art parents. His mother in particular was such a pearl-clutcher and would constantly make rude remarks about Mexican immigrants (my Mom’s side is Mexican), my job (I work in social justice), my education (it was never good enough even though I have a BA and an MS, and she didn’t go to college), us having a cleaning lady (she had one too despite the fact she didn’t work and I worked a FT job and taught as an adjunct professor PT). She also would be EXTREMELY manipulative with money-giving it freely, but always expecting something in return. I believe that she is Cluster B too (she passed it down to fuckface and his sister, who also cheated on her first husband). I am so glad to be out of that disordered mess. Needless to say, the holidays are much more pleasant without having to listen to bible verses and her making a scene/breaking-down crying while hearing it because: ATTENTION!
2. He had no culture. When I met him, he didn’t know what a PLUM was. But, after the split, he bragged about knowing the head chef of a restaurant (I knew him, he never met the guy), his penchant for fine wines, and how well-traveled he was. It’s like he learned from me, and then took that on as part of his personality. What a joke.
3. Total man-child. He would leave his beard trimmings EVERYWHERE. He dressed like a slob (ill-fitting jeans and high school style t-shirts on downtime, dress pants with white athletic socks for work (and he was a lawyer in a professional setting). He also had horrible taste in music and denounced my taste constantly. He would get SO enraged with traffic-like stomping-toddler angry complete with whining/screaming.
Sorry: one more! Getting butt-hurt anytime my team would beat his (I went to a rival school, he cheered for the other). I love being able to cheer on my team without any pouting, screaming, or (seriously) crying.
Phew! I need to print this out and put it on my forehead!
onthehill’s 10 (40 years), 11 and 12 were my Ex to a tee.
1. Eating really fast with DISGUSTING table manners.
2. His girly soft voice. Ugh
3. The way he would admire and worship his own boner. Dude no.
Oh!! I forgot – his cross dressing. Dont miss that either.
Mine definitely had the poor table manners too (ie. eating with mouth open, talking with food in mouth, etc.)
He is a pack-rat, and when he left, he left behind all that oh-so-important-stuff for me to deal with. Sigh. I AM having fun throwing all his “treasures” into the garbage though!
Pack rat here too! My ex was incapable of throwing away anything made of paper, and he’d get mad at me if he caught me doing it. Junk mail, newspaper fliers, receipts, used printer paper, you name it! I was a slightly rebellious wife, so I did manage to throw away a good bit of the stuff as it accumilated, but generally it would cover my kitchen island, migrate over to the guest bed, and I would box it all up whenever we expected overnight guests. These boxes, with receipts in a ziplock bag, made for some earth-shattering discoveries after Dday as it revealed years of betrayal.
All those boxes of junk filled up my garage, and when we divorced, he had to come get it all. So much junk I hope he chokes on it. He just couldn’t part with his stuff that is really just trash, and is paying rent at a storage facility to store basically trash. But there’s a 50 dollar savings bond in there somewhere, so he would need to carefully sort through it before disposing. Never ever saw this savings bond, but it always pissed me off that it prevented us from getting rid of paper-junk.
Good fucking riddence to the cheater and his stupid lost savings bond.
Also his rages, toenails, errands, laziness, entitlement, sloppiness, selfish-spending, bad habits, silent treatment, and frowning at me 90% of the time. Good riddence, life is awesome with him not in it!
1) We both worked, and used to rotate cooking days for dinners (We both liked cooking) and other chores. When it came time for her to cook…OMG…we wouldn’t eat till 9 or 10PM. Funny thing is she was a teacher and would usually be home at 3pm. WTF she had a 3 hour head start! The kids would complain and would be half asleep.
2) The other thing I don’t miss being late to business function or family function any more. I used to tell her we had to be somewhere an hour earlier than it was. We be lucky to make it to the function and then I’d be ridiculed the next day for tardiness to it. Don’t miss that.
3) Toward the end she’d pass gas right in front of me.. still does when I come to pick up the kids….she never heard of using the bathroom:/
* I never complained about much about any of it, cause I loved her, made excuses I guess:/
1. He actively excluded me from participating in his hobbies (that *I* introduced him to and also enjoy, like fishing and hiking). This was under the auspices of “me” time, but he would later complain that I didn’t show enough interest in his hobbies and we therefore didn’t have enough in common.
2. His side “business” was selling beer crap on eBay. He would keep bottle caps, soak off beer labels, and collect paper coasters to sell in lots for $3 on eBay. Our kitchen counter was filled with stinky, empty beer bottles that he would spend hours processing to remove and dry the labels. If I put the bottles in the recycle bin after they had been sitting around for weeks, they would mysteriously reappear. Our home was a constant beer bottle graveyard.
3. He had explosive poop that splattered all over the toilet, and instead of cleaning it up when he was done, he’d just leave it for me to scrub off, which was somewhat like trying to scrub concrete off of the sidewalk. If I ever asked him to clean the toilet himself, he resented me for acting like his mom and “giving him chores.”
4. Sticking with the theme, he would stay in the bathroom for AGES. We were at a little bakery once, and he asked to use their tiny one-seater bathroom. I watched while people came and went, stood in line uncomfortably outside the bathroom for 10 minutes, knocked on the door, complained to the staff that someone had locked them self in the bathroom, and the staff pondered what to do about the person who was in the bathroom for 40 minutes. (I was ready to say something when he FINALLY mosied out with the newspaper.) He had no respect for the fact that other people might need to use it.
5. He keeps breathing.
Seriously what is it with cheaters and the bathroom behavior?
I can’t believe this is one of their things. How is this a thing?
My top 3:
1) leaving actual fecal matter on the toilet seat
2) messy hoarding – creating such a mess that I had maybe a 1 foot swath carved from my bed to my bathroom and was not allowed to turn on the light if I had to get there win the middle of the night
3) never wanting to go anywhere or do anything and if we did he complained the whole time
Yes never go anywhere or do anything might cost money. But goes everywhere and does everuthing with whore juice. She has money and pays for everything. While i handed my paycheck over to support the family and his business. All the trips i wanted to go he does with her. Fuck me i guess.
The little things like the short, black curlyies on the bathroom floor after man-scaping, clipped toenails and fingernails all over the sink, coming in after work without a hello and straight to the newspaper without acknowledging his family, the hell to pay if he did not get to bed early so he could get up at 4:30am and get to the gym Every Day!, and on driving vacations dragging us all out of bed to get in the car by 5am and sitting in the car waiting while we at least hit the bathroom before we got in the car.
The biggest, but more than douchey, was making me think I was going insane. After finding out about first 2 affairs, I was diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder with depression. I was a total mess. Without telling me, he would move family pictures around the den. I am the kind of person that has everything in its place. I asked him repeatedly if he was moving the pictures around, which he denied. I got to the point that I was thinking I had no recollection of doing it myself, or that some supernatural being was moving them in the night. I would get up every morning to see if things had been moved. This happened for a couple of months, then just stopped.
Years later I asked him if he had moved the pictures, and he said yes because he was just trying to get a “rise” out of me.
A douche or a sick a**hole??
Ruggermom – the picture moving is really disturbing. What a psycho little shit.
I don’t miss:
1. Having to ask permission to spend over $50 while he bought whatever gadget, tech tool, sports equipment or game ticket he wanted.
2. Whenever I asked him to help in any way, he would respond, “What’s in it for me?” I had to haggle for his time like I was shopping at a flea market.
3. Hearing him refer to me and the children as “you people.” YOU PEOPLE never put your dishes away. YOU PEOPLE think that electricity is free. YOU PEOPLE don’t appreciate good movies! (yelled in disgust as the teenagers drifted away from Ben-Hur).
Well, WE PEOPLE are no contact with his disordered ass. WE PEOPLE live, love and laugh together. And WE PEOPLE don’t miss the douchebag.
1. The constant walking on egg shells because you never know what’s going to set him off.
2. Shaving his back hair
3. Socks left on the floor….everywhere
4. Football (and I love football) but his sports gambling and constant watching lines/scores/placing bets. Last I knew he was negative $100,000.
My ex used to only have to poop once every three days or so. So when he went into the bathroom for his extended session, he would stay for a considerable length of time. And when he was done with that, he’d immediately take a shower. So he would only take a shower after he took a shit, that means he only showered every three days. Which bugged me, but the kicker was that when he was done with his shower, he would come out of the bathroom in a wafting cloud of hot moist shit stink. And since he had just showered, he was ready for sex. I was practically puking over the smell he dragged towards me, but somehow I was supposed to get in the mood anyway.
Don’t get grossed out, but when you love someone you’ll do some crazy shit…
1. Pop the pimples on his back.
2. Sleep with huge earplugs that over time hurt the ear canal because of the loudest snoring known to mankind.
3. Listen to massive poop sounds and smell from many daily trips to the bathroom (door left open, so he doesn’t pass out from the fumes).
4. Listening to his constant snorts and throat clearings due to horrible allergies.
I will never tolerate this again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. His fucking mother. What a controlling bitch!
1) Changing the radio station in the car while I was singing and declaring, “Only stupid people listen to that kind of music!”…Yep, thanks a lot.
2) Every time I would ask him if he could do something for me, no matter what it was, he would bark out “Don’t tell me what to do!”
3) Refusing to speak to me for days, weeks, etc. to torment me…along with the twitch in his jawline going a mile a minute.
This is therapeutic…need to add a few more…
4) Asking me to shave his back and getting mad if I didn’t jump right to it…along w. manscaping hair and toenail clippings everywhere in the bathroom for me to clean up.
5) Dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor everyday..same corner. Could never find the laundry room.
6) Emptying his retirement account. Only found out when the tax statement arrived…refused to say what he spent the money on (drugs? steroids? OW)
7) Binge-playing xBox Live in our bedroom, screaming F-bombs at the other players all while I begged him to stop so I could sleep. Felt like I was in a war zone.
8) Discovery Channel….all the time
9) Laziness. Carpenter by trade yet couldn’t do anything at the house
10) Steroid rage
And I still struggle with recovering from divorce after 24 years married to this a-hole. Wow. This really helps remind me why I need to embrace my new-found peace. 🙂
Hehe isnt it?? These lists here are full of awful behavior! Meh should be so much easier to get to then it is but does give some peace sering how easy it is to list their shit behavior.
I expect all of us will be recovering for some time to come. Sucks what it does to be left in the shitstorm they left us in. Hope all their dicks fall off and vajajas close up. Fuckers!
yes hope their genitals will rot and fall off
Her clogging the toilet (seriously, WTH???).
The constant TV watching of terrible shows. Every. Single. Night.
Marriage is real for chumps, as a chump I never expected perfection in the woman I made vows to.
In hindsight I see that my ex was a woman who didn’t want to be seen as nothing but spectacular. These folks resent being human and average in the scope of marriage, and I think these cheater folks resent their spouse for seeing their real selves as they truly are.
Cheating allows their imaginary super self to take center stage. An affair is part time and being a part time super self is easy to maintain and the payoff is a huge ego boost payoff for the disordered.
Disordered cheaters reject the average in themselves, they resent their spouse for seeing their true selves.
The disordered need attention, need to feel unique and cheating is an escape from themselves.
I realize that these cheaters resent those that commit to and love them faults and all.
Very good points! The lies he spun to the ho-worker were baffling to say the least. And, the amount of hubris he would display towards his family…unbelievable. It’s definitely a flawed sense of self. Fuckface had a different facet (which I now realize was all faked) for each person or group he interacted with. Sadly, I thought he was his true self with me because I was special. Not true…it was all horseshit. What a sad way to live life. Never knowing who you really are and having to put on a show for everyone…sounds exhausting.
1. I am astounded by the continual running commentary on bathroom habits(it was the same with my ex). This must say something about NARCs .
2. I do NOT miss the constant running off at the mouth with his “opinions”, so hypocritical.
3. Not contributing any $ to family bills but buying whatever he wanted with his “own” $.
4. The lies. Near the end I knew that whatever he said, the opposite was true.
It’s so hard to pick just 3. In my head it goes on and on….
You nailed another satan specialty lovedandlost! I had FORGOTTEN! (Gleefully!)) The constant hypocritical nonsense that comes out of his mouth!!! About everyone and everything! No one was safe from his opinions!
I am so happy to be satan free!!!!
1) Major financial mismanagement
2) Intentionally putting the children in dangerous situations to get a reaction from me
3) Driving way too fast with us (wife and children) in the car
Road rage seems like another trait of the entitled…
I agree, road rage is a form of fear control. Mine did it too. I am still terrified while anyone else is driving but me.
1. Every present he bought was tailored to what he wanted and not me. I started even making a list with pictures to what I wanted for Christmas and he insisted I needed something else. I asked for a Clint Black CD, he bought me Madonna, Evita instead.
2. Temper tantrums, road rage, pouting, constantly playing victim even when he was the cause of the chaos and fighting
3. Girlfriends calling my house. The hang ups when I answered or the more brazen ones that would leave messages.
4. Lying about everything, from the smallest things to the biggest, all lies.
5. Hoarding, destroying the house because he really needed to fix something, then not ever fixing it. I went without a master bathroom for two years, finally had it done myself (after I kicked him out), constantly working on broken down cars or something, but nothing ever really got fixed.
6. Living in the house like a guest, bailed out on the kid’s functions, bill paying, shopping, cleaning- checked in the hotel at night to eat, sleep or f***, the rest he didn’t have time for, he was just that important.
Sorry, I could go on, but I just so relieved it is all over now.
Oh yeah!!! In addition to all the farting, criticizing, and screaming, when he was in a ‘good’ mood, he would be:
1. Taking pictures of his turds and show everyone. I found out later that he posted online.
2. Repeating the same phrase over and over. Then call his sister and repeat with her and include other garble/baby/cursing words. I mean over and over, for days.
3. Sharing greasy/cheesy/oily snacks with the dog (think inserting his fingers in our 100# dog’s mouth and letting dog lick his fingers), then coming to bed without washing hands or brushing teeth and wanting to have sex!
4. And….. not brushing his teeth for days!!!
Me and the dog are now great! … I hope his Skank likes Cheeto dust in her wooha.
1) Blaming me for his erectile dysfunction.
2) Asking me to examine his butt pimples and getting upset when I was grossed out.
3) Blaming me for my family being too quiet (“pompous”) rather than loud, crass, and rude at holiday gatherings.
5) Atrocious table manners (you could hear him eating across the room.)
6) Whenever I experienced a crisis (death of a parent, pregnancy problem, car wreck with injury, etc.) he would self-inflict some crisis on himself (usually related to work misbehavior).
7) The way he smiled and looked around at the crowd when he would walk up and put one whole dollar in the church mission basket.
Wow, Chump Nation’s responses on this post are so consistent (and disgusting) that it makes me think someone should compile this data into a research format. The next APA Diagnostic and Statistical Manual could then add a brand new diagnostic sub-category with a complete list of symptoms.
Just the top three . . . well, I guess it is good to have a challenge.
1) Anger–whether exploding in road rage or ranting about a colleague or screaming at me, it was never pleasant, and I am living a happier life without it!
2) Inability to manage money or even to discuss it like an adult. His financial unfairness used to make me nuts. He could spend $2000 on a hobby, and I could spend $20, but if I said we were living beyond our means and needed a budget, he’d insist we cut equal amounts out of our hobby spending. So, he wouldn’t cut out $2000 until I agreed to cut out $2000. And that was not possible since I wasn’t spending $2000 . . . which just meant in his opinion that I was asking him to do something I wasn’t going to do myself. It is such a relief not to worry about whether the basic bills will get paid any more.
3) Utter unreliability. No matter how carefully I took his desires into account when planning an outing, scheduling a day, or selecting a meal, he’d back out without warning. He “wasn’t up to it.” Oddly, this made the shift to single parenting much easier than I expected; it is no harder and much less frustrating doing everything myself than it was doing it all myself because he backed out, “forgot,” or didn’t feel well enough to pick up a kid, mow the lawn, or go to a relative’s for a holiday meal.
P.S. I thought his hygiene was a bit iffy, but clearly he was practically Mr. Clean compared to some of the disordered louts the rest of you put up with.
Joining in here: he brought me home from the hospital after giving birth to our first child the day before. The sight and smell from the dregs of a party made me nearly ill. Half glasses of booze, full ashtrays… He saw the look on my face and said comfortingly, “Don’t worry. It can wait until you’re feeling better”. I felt even sicker and went upstairs quietly with the baby, said nothing, and probably cried with hopelessness.
My birth story is similar, but I had our son at home, first he wanted to go out and party the night the baby was born, but must have decided it was better to stay with me and our newborn (he was actually wanting to go celebrate the birth of our son with his girlfriend) then the next day, while I was finally getting some sleep and his mom was at the house, he came crashing in with his co-worker, woke me up and got mad I wan’t up fixing their lunch, I just had a baby! Whenever I was sick (hospitalized) or out of town for work, he would dump the kids on his mom and party at our place. Irresponsible dirt bags.
I am sorry to hear that happened to you and on CL I see so many cheaters being horrid to new moms. It’s like they know how much harder it is for us to leave. It’s like a power trip to them.
1.) He had me squeeze is back acne.
2.) He was extremely oily. I do not miss the smell of his oily skin – which also stained our sheets.
3.) He had eyebrows like Wilfred Brimley – complete with rouge hairs that grew outward. I use to have to trim that shit.
4.) He would use the toilet and never spray air freshener. Then he’d close the door after he was done, so I’d walk into an out house smelling water closet.
5.) I hate his mother. Losing XH to Whore in the secret pick me dance had it’s benefit. Whore also won the crazy, emotionally incestuous XMIL. A bonus I’m sure she wasn’t anticipating.
6.) I don’t miss seeing his pasty marathon bod. The last time I saw him naked, I told him he looked like a 9 year old boy because he had lost so much weight and had no muscles.
7.) I do not miss his stupid pursuit of sports: college, NFL, NBA, MLB, FIFA etc.
8.) I do not miss working late into the night as he sat behind me and played Playstation.
9.) I do not miss the ratty tee shirts he’d wear since jr high.
10.) I do not miss my closet smelling like old running shoes. Apparently, I was the only thing this pack rat discarded.
11.) I do not miss superhero or sci fi movies that he would prefer to watch. I do not miss his stupid tv shows.
12.) I do not miss trying to book vacations that coincided with a marathon for him to run – because, a vacation wasn’t good enough on it’s own.
13.) I do not miss avoiding ingredients like mushrooms in food because he didn’t like them.
14.) I do not miss his sparing use of deodorant. He also rarely wore cologne or aftershave – yet, always loved the way I smelled – deodorant, lotion, perfumes make people smell nice. Why not return the favor?
15.) I do not miss his juvenile taste in clothing and footwear.
Rogue hairs – not rouge! 🙂
Just wow, CN. Wow. I’m all queasy. I am grossed out by my own cold symptoms these last two weeks, and I can’t imagine someone who hocks loogies every morning, or leaves shit for me in the toilet.
I had, in many regards, a normal, well groomed, and hygenic partner, who did care about my sexual pleasure,
Things I don’t miss:
1. Various geek escapist pursuits: Magic the Gathering cards and tournaments (an obsession which he spent so much unnecessary time and money on, and then wanted to go pro), D&D, video games, which took up our leisure time and when asked to include some of my interests, they were always ignored.
2. Porn addiction and finding him jacking off at the computer after his overnight shift, rather than working on improving our sex life and emotional intimacy after direct communication and requests from me (again, escapism to avoid deepening intimacy).
3. Telling me we are “too broke” to go out for dinner and a movie, but finding $75 to spend at the liquor store on a case of beer and bottles of wine that will make “good Christmas presents for friends”. #alcoholicbullshit
1. Fucking MMA crap strewn everywhere. Stinky gi’s hanging in every doorway. Mouthguards and jocks on every table. UFC on the TV constantly.
2. Having to text or call every time I went or left somewhere. Like seriously, I can make it to work without notifying you. Someone will let you know if I die, I promise. Also, I promise not to have an affair on the way to work, but apparently, he just couldn’t quiiiiiite manage that one himself.
3. This came up in the forums recently: the fucking smoothie blender.
1. The drinking. Starting with his boss at the garage he worked at, which was right across the street from our house, than continuing when he came home. He would kill a six-pack, eat dinner, and pass out, leaving me to get him into bed and take off his cowboy boots.
2. Stomping around in those cowboy boots whenever the cats were around to frighten them, and then complaining that they liked me better than him.
3. Messing with his nasty teeth. He actually pulled one out while we were driving down the road and threw it out the window.
4. No music allowed ever, except country-western. All day, every day.
5. Holding my hand, then crushing my fingers between his and laughing when I complained.
Stupid Stuff List
1. Plucking the hair from his knuckles (but doing nothing about his back!)
2. Sitting at the dinner table in his dirty, sweat-stained undershirt.
3. Sucking snot back up into his nose instead of blowing it into a tissue.
Important Stuff List
1. Parenting his children (my live-in stepchildren)
2. Sharing in the financial responsibilities and not just “depositing money” in to the joint checking account
3. Planning time for us alone as a couple
Really Important Stuff List
1. Coming with me to get my Breast MRI results for a suspicious mass
2. Staying home with me the day after my Mother died
3. Taking responsibility for planning his own mother’s funeral (I had to do it and pay for it)
Another one: he would need to tell these horrible jokes, just not funny, borderline offensive, the same joke to everyone we saw on the day. Later I realized he had a “joke of the day” app on his phone. I refused to listen and would walk away, he’d criticize of course for my lack of a sense of humor. I suggested at one point that he didn’t seem able to carry on a conversation with people anymore, and the jokes seemed like substitute interactions.
And what is it with the cell phone games? He had to get a replacement phone every 6-8 weeks because he’d destroy his punching the game screen button so hard the phone was deflecting, or he’d drop it into his morning coffee (huge cup and large screen phone). Then he’d spend most of the morning of a weekend on the phone with customer service yelling at them until someone caved and mailed him a replacement phone.
And the raging every evening when he came home from work, everyone was so horrible to him, expecting him to do stuff that special people should not have to do like meet deadlines and do their filing per company policies at least monthly. He had a 45-60 minute commute one way, but saved up the rage channel for me.
Only 3 ???? I will try…
1) His breath. It was so God awful you could smell it from across the room
2) The angry faces he made during sex. (Did I mention his breath? I should’ve worn a face mask. Never mind the kisses. Ick! Still makes me shudder).
3) His 2 hour throne sessions
4) His temper tantrums
5) Whining about always feeling ‘left out’ in social situations. (You’re a grown ass man. Speak up and socialize. No one should have to go out of their way to make you feel special).
6) His inability to do anything slightly mechanical around the house
I could go on and on…
1 his pile of used tissues left beside the bed each morning after he masturbated to porn magazines.
2. Yelling at our baby daughter for trying to touch his beer bottle as she crawled around the lounge floor – apparently it was his right to put it on the floor instead of up where she couldn’t touch it.
3. His insane need for everything to be exactly the same each day – exactly the same morning routine, same breakfast food, same brands of clothing (he would only wear one brand of clothing each weekend, everything was this one brand and couldn’t be anything else ).
4. His refusal to consider my tampons as a necessary items in our grocery shopping each week – apparently they were luxury items and I had to buy them myself with my own money.
5. His refusal to let me do the grocery shopping even when I was a stay at home mum for a year. He was scared I’d buy something with “his” money that he considered a waste. Like tampons I guess.
Tampons are a luxury item? Wow
1. smelly bed farts
2. shaving his balding head
3. finding toenail clippings on the coffee table
4. interrupting me while speaking, around our friends
5. lack of eye contact
6. turning everything in to an “I” conversation
Before whore never used to interupt talk down to me or over me. After whore does it constantly now. Even my daughter told him what the hell dad shutup and let mom answer MY question! I guess the new affair partners rate much better treatment than faithful old decrepit spouses. Fuckers! I became the enemy to his feeble convaluted pea brained mind. Asshole! But he wants to stay friends. Not gonna happen!
I already gave 3 items, but can’t help giving 3 more.
1) His head scratching. I do not mean a little scratch with two fingers on the side of the head, that you may do when thinking, no. I mean frantically scratching the back of the head with both hands, the kind of move that leaves bald spots or even a rash, while the face turns red and the eyes seem to pop out. Really scary. I have never met anyone else doing this. Pure rage. He did not bother to stop when I entered the room.
2) His on-the-spot jumping. He would get up from his chair, most of the time with headphones on his ears, and would repeatedly jump briefly in the air, absolutely stiff, as in doing some fitness exercise. Just like the scratching, it was scary, because his eyes seemed haggard, and he would not stop when I entered the room.
3) His way of showing me I was just an annoyance, when the meal was ready and I was calling him, while he was busy doing something (he was always busy, aren’t we all…). He would not answer the first time, would respond angrily the second time, and then when finally he would get up, would systematically stop at the bathroom, so finally either I had finished my plate or it was cold when he arrived.
I could lose my breakfast after reading some of these!
1. Asking me to pop the zits on his back.
2. Flossing his teeth and then not brushing after or rinsing his mouth out. Then wanting to kiss!
3. Snoring. Telling me I was lying when I told him he snored and should get checked for sleep apnea.
4. Sitting next to me in bed until 2-3 AM with the TV, laptop, and light on while I tried to sleep.
5, Clothes dropped on the floor as he undressed every night.
6. Stomping everywhere he went at home so you knew he was mad about something.
7. Lower lip jutted out in a pout. An entire village could have kept out of the rain under it.
8. He started every sentence to me with “You should have” or “Why didn’t you..”
9. He never once complimented me on my looks, but always made jokes about my big nose (his was bigger).
10. He made fun of me at dinners with friends, joking about my (nonexistent) PMS to get laughs.
I could go on, but I am thanking my lucky stars that I couldn’t care less anymore!
1. My ex kept a log of everything I had ever done wrong. It was exhausting to try to have a fight with him and go over all my faults at once.
2. He was soooo irresponsible with money. I’m so glad I can look at my bank account today and feel secure. I can start saving and not get in more debt.
3. He was always lying and exaggerating his accomplishments. I’m happy I don’t have to keep hearing about how perfect he was.
Let’s put “keeping a notebook of all your faults to refer to in every argument” on the instant deal-breaker list. If a partner does that, there is no hope at all.
Pretty much everything on this entire page goes on the instant deal breaker list
Interesting male/female split here. She had good hygiene and was a normal roommate with regard to the bathroom and kitchen. I did most of the housework, shopping, and laundry.
I actually had to read everyone’s to come up with three things. Leaving aside family (that’s really not her fault or a behavior). Also not including chronic heatlh problems.
Again, it’s a bit tricky. We share so many traits aside from the adultery bit.
She’s well-read, well-travelled, dresses well, feminist, excellent writer, socially aware, artistic, politically savvy, gregarious, and well-spoken.
Nevertheless, after a 10 year marriage some things pop to mind.
1. Punching me in the face
2. Suicide threats
3. I’ll have to get back to you.
Occasionally I miss her.
Well… I would say she managed to still keep you under her thumb enough that you don’t even see her manipulations. You did most of the work around the house- fine she wasn’t terrible at keeping her shit together, but that’s different than contributing. That’s nuance. She’s s tricky bitch is all. I’m sorry you miss her. Ho Hub has incredibly good streaks of behaviour and it makes me homesick for that to be reality. But it’s not. Knowing they can hold that behavior, that they are capable of being a grown up and being responsible and well behaved makes their betrayal even worse. If an animal bites you it’s instinct. If a person bites you they are a vampire, a zombie, or broken. Same thing with this.
My marriage had some similarities with yours–we had lots in common, he had good hygiene (save the bottle by the side of the bed). But life with him was never easy, and he was an asshole a significant portion of the time–critical, selfish, cold-shoulder behavior. Add to that the tales told to me after I divorced Hannibal of him openly flirting with women and even tickling graduate students on couches in full view of our friend, prevents me from missing him much at all.
1. His constant self-admiration. Any time I walked into the bedroom when he was fresh out of the shower and wearing only his underwear he would be posing in front of the mirror. Get over yourself, really.
2. He NEVER tired of talking about himself, his training, his competitions, his food. I could tell that most everyone got tired of hearing it, not just me and he was oblivious. Dude, nobody cares.
3. Rather than enticing me into the bedroom, by way of attention, affection or anything remotely sexy he would always ask me if I “wanted to talk to it?”. Seriously??? Are you fucking 17 years old??
BONUS…. Also, often left his poo unflushed. Wtf? Our very young son was always like “that’s gross, why doesn’t dad flush?”
All of this ^^^^ so very NOT hot or sexy. Super douchey for sure. Don’t miss any of it.
1. He was unable to be with other people without talking about his heroic exploits. Lots of other attention-getting behaviors, as well, including a loud tail pipe.
2. He never wore anything but Walmart tshirts and sweatshirts–and while I spend a lot of time in athletic clothes, I also have an appropriate wardrobe for things like funerals.
3. I hated to hear him berating his mother on the telephone.
Oh yes, another common thing among our sharings— the loud tail-pipe he had done after he left me and wasn’t giving me any money to support our daughter!!!! What I found most irritating about it (besides having the money for that, but none to give me) was that for two years he would call the cops on the group of youngens across the street about their “peel-outs” and loud tail pipes on their trucks, but then got his Shit-er-ado fixed up to be just like them!!!
Now that I think about it, I think he had it done A) to get attention wherever he went; B) so that when he drives by my house (he does on a daily basis) I wouldn’t know the difference between him and the guys across the street.
Also, the jizz-rags I’d find stashed in out furniture on a regular basis.
The insistence that we didn’t have the money to go ut and do things together or with our daughter, but he has the money now with OWife to go do things non-stop.
OK, one more comment about JIZZ rags, kleenxes, you name it. All jizzed up whether it was snot or cum, I dunno – he didn’t care to pick them up. Left them for me.
Thinking about all this since I’ve essentially arrived at ‘MEH!’….well, it all comes back to me .
He was a Master of his Life. Master of his Dick and all his wads. Master in the bedroom because he never once tried to please me. Embarrassing to admit, I can count on 2 hands how many times he actually entered me in 35 yrs. The rest was about him. But enough about HIM. It was ME, who put up with that kind of inattention for so many years. So, yes, I’m trying to deal with myself and him, no longer.
Why oh fucking WHY did I settle for no sex prior to marriage? He said, he couldn’t penetrate me if we weren’t married. Raised that way, Lutheran. WHAT THE FUCK? I had the same religion/background/morals/background (farmers from the bald-ass prairies of the West)…and, funny me, he fooled me. We never had sex during our honeymoon or much after that.
I wonder why I didn’t see that while I was dating him.
Was it love or lust?
But, the lust was never there.
I have 12×16 piece of solid wood beam I’d like to knock myself silly with.
I had SO much fun with SEX before I met him.
How time flies~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FUCK!
Kiwi – I so get you there, although I’m not a pro about philosophy, although, it makes me want to read the Carlos Castenada series of books again….been awhile.
Still can’t figure out life after too many years.
This thing threw me for a HUGE bump in the road. Like the rest of us.
Very careful planning ahead..
I think we’ve all been fooled pretty bad up to this point.
ChumpBorlero–“I guess I can’t get over the last two decades–my goodness so much wasted time..”
NO! I don’t believe that at all. It wasn’t wasted years…you had a good time (I hope) and if you were raising children or dogs…well, those were good and happy years, right? Please don’t discount them. I’m still trying not to because all those years, I don’t know what was really honest, so, I still can’t go back to the past…but maybe someday.
But, we had great family moments together, many sports, all those youthful things.
And, then he suddenly got really old and needed a new hand for a job, yanno.
I figure, I got the best years, and most of them were when we were actively having fun and mostly with a ton of family all around.
He lost all interest when he met his ‘soul mate’, and our lives went downhill for 3 yrs.
I’ve decided to exhume him from all pictures in my head, and focus on all the great people around me in pictures. Glad I didn’t burn all the albums. He will never ever see one of the pictures from our past. I’ve got them all. He’ll die alone, I know it.
1. Camo pants or overalls
2. Constant complaints about everyone and everything with blaming others
3. Watching him pretend to be someone he isn’t
1) promises. “I’ll clean this/ fix this/ get this done” when he can’t even put his laundry in the wash.
2) grooming and pretending it’s for me. Leaving his hair everywhere and then being upset if I don’t clean my brush everyday (which he doesn’t use) we don’t have company, and his pubes are in the sink, why the fuck does 10 hairs in my BRuSH impact him and affect his genteel sensibilities.
3)complaining that “you shrunk my shirts” when he is just obviously eating himself to death. Oh- also- then do your own god damn laundry.
4)if you’re gonna lie, make it a good lie. Telling me you were at the library (when you get home at 10:30 and it closes at 9) is hilarious when your face smells like cheap fruity whore lube. I can’t keep a straight face I have no clue how you do.
(4) Whenever we would have any kind of a disagreement, argument, or (what I thought was just a) good-spirited debate, he would end with, “Well, I guess I’m just stupid.” This would kill the conversation and make it about how I was calling him stupid when I wasn’t. From the beginning of our marriage, I pointed out how frustrating this was and asked him to stop doing it. He never did.
Towards the end of the marriage, I finally got sick of it and, when he would say “I guess I’m just stupid,” I would say, “If you say so.” “Oh, so you finally ADMIT you’re calling me stupid??” “Nope, I am letting you call yourself stupid and not stopping you.”
1. He frequently urinated off our front stoop and also in the driveway, next to his vehicle as soon as he arrived home. In the summer, the driveway stank of piss unless I rinsed the gravel down frequently.
2. He complained “we live like pigs” (and told everyone we knew this), yet he was the one who always left garbage around the house – dry drink mix on the counters, cheese papers, fast food wrappers, etc., etc.
3. His bitching at me to “turn that off!” when I wanted to read in bed, even using a small book light or dimly lighted device.
1, Picking his nose in front of me
2. Flossing his teeth and the bits would fling toward me
3. He used to chew steak and spit it out on the plate so there would be ups of chewed up steak on his plate. I would almost vomit looking at it.
With any of these things if I expressed dissatisfaction I would get an incredulous look like there was nothing wrong with these behaviors and I should be lucky to even get to be present in his company. The ironic thing is that he thinks he is well bread.
I also do not miss his ginger haired body, uncircumcised penis and passionless boring vanilla sex. God just get me a moral loving sexy man that wants to satisfy me…. oh wait…. I did! Hoping the OW is now enjoying my cast off.
1. His constant negativity about everything and everyone so he could feel superior.
2. When I would try to talk with him about a topic he didn’t like or might be controversial, he would fart the nastiest smell he could because he knew that would end the conversation. I mean really, there was no way I could stand there anymore.
3. Like others have mentioned, the shit stains in his underwear. I refused to clean them so he had no choice but to do it himself. He never left shit in the toilet but there were stains on the sides.
4. 15 pairs (not exaggerating) of khakis in the closet. Same brand, size, etc. Maybe 1 pair of navy and black pants that were rarely worn. Tons of shirts (mostly blue) to wear with them. And at least 50 tshirts some of which were never worn. He had way more clothes and shoes than I did.
5. Ignoring me. We lived in the same house but he would ignore me. I was so lonely and he didn’t care one bit.
6. Triangulating with me and daughter.
7. His stupid gifts. I’d rather get nothing than have him run in a store at the last minute, grab the first ugly thing off the sale rack he sees without looking at the size, and giving to me then acting like I don’t appreciate his effort.
8. Him falling asleep on the couch and coming to bed in the middle of the night (or sleeping all night on the couch) then complaining that I go to bed too early so we don’t have sex.
I know I was supposed to list 3 but I kept going. There’s probably more too.
9. Responsibility for everything was forced on me. Doctor’s appts, paying the bills, house repairs, school issues, etc. If it wasn’t fun, he didn’t want anything to do with it.
10. He just wanted to know the ‘jist’ of what was going on with us/home/daughter/etc. Then he would get on the phone with his family and relay the ‘jist’ to them like he was involved. Image management, I guess.
Asswipe would put on the pain face clutch his belly and head start burping and farting if i tried to talk to him about anything personal he didnt want to discuss. He would say i have to puke because he has bad coping skills. Just like a spoiled little toddler.
1) He insisted on displaying his hobby tools and art as the primary decor in our home and didn’t want anything he didn’t think was urban looking anywhere, especially if it was handmade by someone else. Our shared home was always uncomfortable because the furniture had to look urban to him.
2) He left the door open after defecating so the home smelled bad, and he without fail always defecated a few minutes before we were expecting company.
3) He hated any food he didn’t cook. If I cooked, which was rare, he would re-season it and put some kind of sauce on it before even trying it.
He wasn’t especially unpleasant or overtly abusive, but he was a brilliant liar. I don’t miss feeling stupid every minute I am in my own home. Not one bit.
Mine got pissed off because I objected to his objet d’art nascar replicas, baseball cards and figures he wanted to share with the world. He didn’t want to hear that no one cared about his collection.
And the thing is that, at least for me, it’s all negotiable within reason. I mean, a person’s home is their home, and it would be reasonable to have a few favorite things displayed in an area (assuming we are talking about things that are appropriate for anyone who lives there or might come over, like signed baseballs or abstract paintings.) It’s the entitled all-or-nothing attitude that even makes it a problem.
But, then, that applies to so many things when it comes to narcs.
Great subject…..OK, here goes….
1) He never shut up. He had a monologue going constantly, and woe to anyone who would be so deluded to think it was an actual conversation. HE was talking don’t you know, it’s rude to interrupt. It was infuriating when I was trying to function on 3 or 4 hours sleep while working full time nights, going to nursing school evenings, and running a household singlehandedly with no help from him.
2) He really believed he always knew what I and my boys were thinking. Then he would rage about what he thought we were thinking, and find ways to punish us for his fantasy narrative.
3) Critical of everything I did that wasn’t the way his mother did it. I got so that I would tell him that if he had a problem with whatever it was he was complaining about, he should go home to mommy and get her to do it for him.
I just have to add one more……4) Very rigid about food. Tried to force my boys and I to eat the way he did. I refused to allow him to dictate what my boy’s and I could eat. I wound up making two separate meals at each mealtime. Then he would complain about our food…how it looked, smelled etc.
God, what an asshole.
Tessie, I forgot about #2……..those idiots!!!!
Having me save dinner for him when he was “running late”.
Oops, two more…. that is easy enough, lol. 2) Him ALWAYS clearing his throat. 3). His breathing.