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UBT Me, Please

deserveWell, this doesn’t happen very often. A cheater submitted their OWN bullshit to the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Yes. Really.

This blog is absolute crap! I believe that the infidelity person should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.” I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with. My husband is my home and heart I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people. This is not stupid shit people say. I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back. I love him with all my heart!

Nic

Dear Nic,

You asked for it…

This blog is absolute crap!

The UBT’s feelings are incredibly hurt by a self-described asshole. The depth of the UBT’s pain is proportional to the deep admiration it has for your morals… and first-rate ability to craft run-on sentences.

I believe that the infidelity person

“Cheater” is such an ugly word. Infidelity person is just one of those randomly assigned labels. Like “Tadpole” when you’re put in the slow pool and you really believe you’re a Dolphin.

should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.”

I’m entitled to a second chance. Big messy beds consequences suck. If you give me a second chance, I will PROVE that I can turn back time to those simpler days… when you were a chump.

I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.

I have no idea why I had a 4-month affair. Maybe if I can go back in time and cheat all over again, I’ll figure it out! My moral befuddlement should totally reassure you. Let’s stay married!

My husband is my home and heart

The prick is just a guy I like to fuck.

He doesn’t have a home (or one I’m welcome in), so I need a place to crash. I LOVE YOU BABY! Fluff the pillows, I’m coming home!

I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people.

Greedy asshole is so much nicer than “narcissist.”

I don’t know how infidelity people become greedy. Just one of those messy bed things. We should stop labeling tadpoles.

This is not stupid shit people say.

No. I wrote this stupid shit.

I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.

I don’t really care what he wants. I miss cake.

I love him with all my heart!

He dumped me! And my prick boyfriend did too.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • LOL!! “Infidelity people”? You can’t make this shit up! Lost my coffee at “fluff the pillows”!!

    • Makes me think of Ben Carson when he on TV related his own “gun pointed on him” situation in which he was trying to get his supper at a “Pah – Pie’s” organization. Just as he was putting his take-away supper in his satchel……. a gun was pointed on him and he advised the gun person that some one else was more worthy of being that gun person’s target…….

      And so we have infidelity person, is that akin to a resource person, an ideas person and so on…….

    • I know! Infidelity person?!! The cheater should’ve taken some writing and grammar courses instead of hopping into bed.

  • Greedy Asshole is the definition of narcissist. It’s not just a label, it’s a lifestyle, Nic! One which you’ve fully embraced! Now, get thee to a library!

    • I think Nic needs a course in English Composition before the library. It’s doubtful she has the reading skills needed at the library.

      • I am one of the worst writer/spellers on this blog… I have horrible typing skills and use punctuation at times is merely a suggestion. If i went thru every post with a fine grammatical comb i would not have the time to post comments or thoughts. My posts at times are more cathartic then comments. Things I need to purge because they are eating me up. My fingers and key board can not keep up to the speed of my thoughts and at times , many times, my grammar and sentence structure is poor. I dont need my grammar scrutinized. I need support and so do others who may not feel comfortable posting because of language barriers ( whatever they may be) I had been reading this blog for a long time before I got brave enough to post.
        The language on this site is much higher than a lot of forums and while educational it can scare off people who may have trouble expressing themselves in script. I know I have had to bust out the dictionary more than once! I dont have a higher education, a title or a scribe. I am smart. I read…a lot.
        I think what is important is the message. And if somone has trouble getting that across… Try to be kind.

        The cheater who posted is just using semantics. She doesnt like the urban dictionary version of ‘ infidelity’ …she is a fuckin cheetah.

        • TheClip,

          Your point is well-taken. I am certainly guilty of throwing shade on people who write to Chump Lady. However, for me it’s always meant to belittle the Cheaters and Cheater Apologists. I hope it never comes across as a slight to other Chumps. I read everyone’s posts with great interest and an open mind. This topic is rife with emotional agony. Of course one’s post will be missives from the heart. Thank you for you insightful and hilarious posts Clip. I am grateful you were here when I needed help.

        • TheClip, I enjoy reading your contributions. I think you express yourself very well through your writing; you need not be a literary scholar to get your point across. I love that you consult the dictionary to look up words. People who want to learn are so attractive. The writing here is high-level (a standard set by our smart and witty Tracy Chump Lady, no doubt).

          I lurked on this site for a few months before I started posting comments. I wonder if Tracy has stats on how many lurkers this website attract? Anyway, I wanted to express my appreciation for CL and CN, and also reciprocate by supporting others here. I still feel shy about commenting regularly, even though I’m here nearly every day to read. I’ve learned so much already and the humor has helped lighten some of the hurt. Thanks to all.

    • The day before D-day 2, my now XW posted a meme on facebook

      It is not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, & to make happiness a priority. It is necessary.

      This was about 4 months into a documented physical affair.

      • Howdy ChumpDad-

        From one chump dad to another – enjoy…

        “It is not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, & to make happiness a priority. It is necessary.”

        Here is my UBT on your ex-wife’s bullshit:
        My husband caught me cheating before and I have a feeling that he will catch me again. So I am wanted to get this narrative out there before you all get the real truth. Everyone MUST know that it’s completely acceptable and justifiable to decimate people’s lives – at any cost – knowing you will gain something out of it.

      • Another chump dad chiming in. My CW does a lot of those same kind of memes. Just recently, she posted one from Dalai Lama who said “The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” Really? That’s all? At any cost to anyone or anything? C’mon.

        Are those kind of memes a trademark of NPDs and BPDs?

        • Untold, tell youe CW that Dalai Lama also says: “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

          • It’s funny how assholes only use the part of that quote that justifies their bullshit, the entire quote is quite different. What the Dalai Lama actually said was

            ““I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we desire contentment. In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the principal source of success in life. Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. The key is to develop inner peace.””

        • Yes …. And fuck this new age shit including mr Dalai Lama schmarma sweeping memes on how one should live their self absorbed lives. Recently dated guy who after first date sent me lama schmuck via text after dinner ‘to impress me with his worldly wisdom’ seeing he’s into the eastern namaste shit and all… You know what he got back? CRICKETS ! Yuck these assholes suck I’m done and today I’m so fucking angry and this is 3rd year post DD#2.

      • Yes they love posting self serving drivel!

        My cheating ex found a variety of quotes online such as “your words have no effect anymore as your actions have showed me who you really are” and others along a similar theme.

        I caught her looking them up on my computer. After I kicked her out she had them stuck to the wall next to her desk at work for everyone to see and feel sorry for her.

        Her motivation was because the OM of 18mths had “used her” and “dumped her” and she wanted sympathy from everyone.

        Freak!

      • omg, thought i was the only one to hear such self serving crap….my favorite…don’t ever feel bad for making a decision about your own life that upsets people. you’re not responsible for their happiness. you are only responsible for your own happiness. anyone who wants you to live in misery shouldn’t be in your life to begin with…. so much bullshit to translate!

      • It isn’t necessarily selfish to love yourself or take care of yourself or make happiness a priority, but the way cheaters go about trying to accomplish those goals IS selfish. Some people would find happiness by being kind to others. Some people would love themselves by setting healthy boundaries. Some people think “taking care of yourself” means taking the time to rest, eat healthy and exercise in between giving to others. In fact, I think having healthy boundaries and reciprocating is more likely to bring lasting happiness over the long run. A self centered person doesn’t always see it that way, unfortunately.

      • I prefer the more succinct slogan: Life’s too short to be an asshole. Of course, that’s not as pretty as all the happiness bullshit and obviously it would never occur to the cheaters that, yes, sleeping with other people when you’re in a committed relationship makes them an asshole.

  • Said the entitled toddler. Because toddlers and small children are the only people expected to throw tantrums. You, on the other hand, Nic are and adult. Please start acting like one! Narcs are toddlers in disguise on the other hand, by the way. Go figure!

  • I was having one of those very sad, tearful mornings. I had a dream about when life was good, and it felt so real that I woke up in tears and just couldn’t shake the sadness, desperately missing what we had before the cheating. And then I came here and read this. And now I’m like HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA eat my dust cheaters!! ???

  • This reeks of entitlement. A one night stand would be bad enough, but four months of returning to “the prick”? You blew it (literally and figuratively), honey. Now do the right thing and give your STBX the settlement and custody that he deserves. If you want to show that you love him, that would be the right thing to do, not spewing your misdirected venom at this blog. What, exactly, are the Infidelity People, exactly? Is that similar to the Pod People?

  • Aww. Poor nic. She sounds so remorseful, sorry, and nurturing toward her husband and all of the chumps on this blog who have been hurt before. She truly cares about all of the things damaged to her husband and chumps alike. NOT!!!!!!!!

  • “I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.”

    Ummm… Because you got all the fun and sexy bits of a relationship without the work? This infuriates me so much. Cheaters never know why, or “It just happened.” or “I don’t even remember who made the first move.”

    Funny, my two-year-old has more self control and ideas of what is and is not appropriate than most cheaters do, and I dare say her grasp of cause and effect is outpacing that of her dad these days as well.

    It happened because you wanted to prove a point as in look at how desirable I am despite my personality and short comings! It happened because you found another chump whose sense of self-worth is even lower than that of your long-suffering, endlessly patient yet neglected spouse. And it happened because like other narcicists, you need to make yourself feel better at the expense of someone else. And it will continue to happen to poor, misunderstood you because you are incapable of loving and truly knowing yourself, never mind the fuck piece of the moment you use to demolish your current relationship.

    Sorry not sorry. I just spent St. Patrick’s Day with my kids, the boys blissfully happy, the girls confused, sad and pensive… Even the baby because she’s got a cold. The ex dropped off the kids after my older daughter’s dance class… And this year, he also dropped off the dinner we used to eat as a family while doused in cheap cologne “Since it is St. Patrick’s Day and all.”, no doubt on his way to get wasted and bang the shamrocks out of the whore while we sat there staring at our consolation plates. Of course it is one of his favorite holidays.

    But at least he remembered us this year! But he offered to do it for the kids! And he paid for it! Nope. I felt like a war general scrutinizing my plate looking for the poison hidden among the cabbage and potatoes. WTF? When he offered to do it I so wanted to tell him where he could drop off his corned beef and cabbage and all I could manage is,”I wasn’t planning anything because I’m not Irish.” And then I thought that the kids might ask what we would do for the holiday, he could mention that he’d offered and I’d turned him down and so I bit the most unpleasant tasting bullet and graciously said thanks.

    My older daughter and I could barely touch the food, my special needs boys wolfed theirs down and didn’t see the problem and I felt like such a bitch for not being able to keep up the perky façade and at least feign appreciation for his “efforts.”

    I feel knocked down about twenty pegs this morning, am sick and just want to get some sleep. But the kids await and the baby can’t look after herself…

    And hey. At least he thought of us, right? *tosses food in the trash*

    • No. You being unable to fake a smile through your special holiday consolation shit sandwich does not make you a bitch. It makes you a person with dignity and a strong sense of when you’re being condescended to. He was trying to look like a stand-up, “not a narcissist asshole who broke up his family to chase skanks and left his wife with multiple children to take care of.” The problem is, he IS a narcissist asshole who broke up his family to chase skanks and left his wife with multiple children to take care of. And a couple of plates of cabbage and potatoes won’t fix that. You knew it was a lame attempt at maintaining a tradition at the most basic and half-assed level, and so did he. You’re not required to fake it until you make it.

      Your boys may never understand the big picture of what happened to their family. But your girls seem to be seeing their father’s actions for what they are. And while that sucks right now, it’s going to be better in the long run. They’re going to know which parent loved them and supported them and took care of them, and which parent dropped off token cabbage and potatoes on his way to his true priority – the bar and shamrock draped skanks. And that will help them in the long run.

      I’m so sorry. I hope everybody gets over their colds soon.

      • And if he couldn’t be there himself, he wanted to provide tradition of what you all used to eat together on his favourite holiday so that you would think of him in some shape or form( i.e. Cake/kibbles) I’d drop that tradition in future so that you don’t think of him at all !

    • Also, “WHAAAAAAAAAAA, I didn’t KNOW there were going to be consequences for the life-altering decisions I made! That’s not FAAAAAAAAIR.”

      Yeah, there are no “consequence free” do overs in life. This is not a video game. This is your husband not wanting to let you back into his life and pretend that you aren’t the type of woman that would throw his love and your marriage aside for some prick you don’t even like. People are funny that way.

      • Dang it, I meant that to be a general reply to the letter, not a reply to Cakeless in Kalamazoo. Sorry, Cakeless!

      • Actually, at least on the part of my cheater ex, it’s “Wahhhh, I carefully avoided thinking about any possible consequences, for myself or my kids, never mind my wife, because I’m so special I get to do WHATEVER I WANT, whenever I want, with whomever I want, and there is no such thing as consequences”. Followed later, of course, with “Oh shit, there are consequences! How could you be so mean! Take away those consequences immediately, you mean person! Those are your fault, you’re so self-righteous and mean!”

    • Cakeless…

      Sometimes, we lose a battle to win a war.

      Those of us who have bred with the fucktards will have years of shit sandwich battles ahead, no sugar-coating that fact. We’ll win some and we’ll lose some.

      But, teaching our children to be gracious in the face of adversity is an honorable life lesson.

      And, throwing the shit in the trash the minute after the douchebag leaves and making bowls of popcorn for everyone is equally honorable.

      You’re doing your best each day… and that is MORE than enough!

    • Cakeless, your new life is gonna be so full of love and light! So much better!

      It never ceases to amaze me how these disordered assholes just forget that their kids are completely aware of their behaviors and it will color how the kids feel about them for the rest of their lives. Kids aren’t stupid just cause they are young. They see the pain inflicted on the wronged spouse.

      I was there for my mother everyday that she needed me, despite whatever hoops I might have had to jump through to make whatever she needed happen. My violent alcoholic narcissistic father notsamuch. I witnessed what he put her through all my young life. Most dogs are treated better than he treated her and us.

      Your kids know the truth of your situation. Your kids won’t forget either.

      • I agree. My kids are 18 and 24 and have no contact with their dad or his affair partner. He likes to blame it on me….says I poisoned them by letting them see my pain and sharing details of the divorce and why it happened with them. If you ask them, they say it was none of that. They were like ” mom, we saw it all our lives…”
        Kids are wise.

        • They write their own narrative and believe it despite what the kids are saying to them. I know I almost went over the table to choke my dad when he stated, ‘Your mom just loved me so much she didn’t care that I had girlfriends!’ He ACTUALLY said that to his adult daughters, my sister and I…

          …later, after my sister had taken him away she texted me that dad said, ‘I never thought I’d see the day Jeep would hate men.’ Wha????

          …see how their minds work? Ugh!

    • So well spoken cakeless. I could read this over and over. I work with kids with special needs and have an idea of the energy it takes! Prayers for you right now!! You are such an amazing blessing to your kids and it will come back to you. These situations certainly do suck though. The kids. It just hurts me so much.

    • God, that’s rough, Cakeless. I’m so sorry the day sucked beyond measure. I hope and pray that, when you look back on St. Patrick’s Day 2016, you will throw your shoulders back and say “I made it through” and be proud as hell. (Good Lord, don’t beat yourself up for not putting on the fake smile. PucksMuse is so right.)

      I honestly can’t imagine having so many little ones depending on me when I could barely put one foot in front of the other during the worst of this shit. It was grueling with my one (and it’s grueling without any kids). You are so mighty. So very mighty. Don’t you forget it. (((((HUGS))))))

      • Thanks, everyone. It’s far from over since we have kids together, but my goal is to make it more about us and less about them every day. While I can’t get rid of him entirely (and that isn’t entirely my decision anyway, dam it), I am busily trying very hard to minimize the real estate he takes up in my thoughts. Today is the OW’s birthday, and I first thought about all the things they must be doing to celebrate. And then I remember my birthdays and how they became less and less of a big deal to him every year… The fights, the not wanting to take me out, the casual handoff of presents, and then of course the too tired/drunk/uninterested for a little adult birthday present once the kids went to bed, and I laugh.

        Happy birthday, bitch. As each year passes, you’ll understand why I got so very unhappy, and this is the gift that will keep on giving. Enjoy it since you so eagerly wanted to take my place. 😉

        • This.

          My cheater was always sucky about my birthday. If it was on a week night, we’d not go out to dinner. If I made a big stink, he would grudgingly get supermarket birthday cake. If it was on the weekend, we’d go to dinner only on a Friday night, since that was the only night he’d go out. And we’d have to go to a restaurant he liked, not one I wanted to try.

          One year, I realized that my office mates made more of a deal of my birthday than my then-husband. The next year, I traveled to family, because at least there I’d have cake and have a happy birthday sung.

          My cheater loves to love bomb. As much as OW is a woman of negotiable virtue, and as much as she sticks with him because he’s paid for her lifestyle, she’s still treated like shit. However, now that I’ve divorced him and he has a greatly-reduced kibble supply, he has to keep the kibble safe.

          That means that he lovebombs her when she gets really unhappy.

          I keep thinking, “yeah, right. You used to text him to divorce me because you were the only woman who knew what it took to make him happy. Well, I divorced his sorry ass, and you get to keep a man who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your happiness as long as you keep him happy.”

  • Hey NIC, fun fact: At birth, baby elephants weigh about 250 lbs, making them the biggest babies on earth right after your bitch ass.

  • ““Cheater” is such an ugly word. Infidelity person is just one of those randomly assigned labels. Like “Tadpole” when you’re put in the slow pool and you really believe you’re a Dolphin.”

    LMAO – Thank you CL, this made my day, now I cannot see cheaters for anything but the tadpoles from “Flushed Away:”

    Tadpole

  • “…prove I can have the life I had before..” Ew, ew, ew! I know this one!

    ((You know, the life where you believed all my lies. The one where I got strange kibbles AND I got to pretend I was some great spy. Let’s try it again! I can take my game to some MI-5 level!))

  • No sympathy for you, Nic. You are an ADULT who made ADULT decisions and executed them fully aware that your were MARRIED. You DECEIVED your spouse. You LIED to your family. You STOLE money and time from your husband to fuck your prick.

    We INFIDELITY RECEIVERS survive this marriage douchebaggery and we move on. Buh-bye!

    (way to go, former Mr. Nic! You will find someone worthy to share your life with.)

  • Good UBT for a Friday!! Happy Friday! She is so mess up that she wrote to CL, she said “UBT Me”, she does not like being call a “cheater” and she is telling us she wants “her husband back” like we are going to give her advice on that!!! She came to the LION ?den!!! Let’s get going CN. ?

  • “The prick is just a guy I like to fuck.

    He doesn’t have a home (or one I’m welcome in), so I need a place to crash. I LOVE YOU BABY! Fluff the pillows, I’m coming home!”

    Dead on, the bar for sex partners is set real low. She realizes she literally screwed herslf and hubby will most likely toss her out on her ass. It never ceases to amaze me what people will do and give up for casual sex. OW married but ex was all to happy to sup on sloppy seconds…ewww.

    • From a guys perspective-She literally expects her hubby to partake of another man’s fluid of life. one can only guess what other critters may be there.

  • This letter is riddled with “I want”s and I deserve with no sense of her caring about what her husband wants or any sense of empathy for him — or even that he is a real person with feeling worthy of anything than being “her” heart and home. But, she’s not a narcissist. . . Wow.

    • Well, shucks, carolyn,
      Isn’t that the definition of a narcissist. “I want…I deserve…”
      I too noticed the complete lack of remorse or concern for her husband only the sense of loss for what she had before. From all he entries from our male chumps ain’t no going back to home port once you sailed good ship “prick of a guy”. Hubby might take you back (in a fit of chumpy stupidity) but he will never ever trust you again.
      Ooh I’m sorry I banged somebody repeatedly for 4 months, neglected my children’s and husband’s needs but now that I have been all repentant nobody has the right to bitch about how the cheated people feel. Only I the cheater am allowed to feel disappointment, sadness and depression at the sad state of no more strange while continuing to enjoy the fruits of my chumps labours. How dare the chumps be angry or spiteful! Stop trying to make me feel er…LOOK bad.

        • MY UBT- She’s a fucking, CHEATING, dirty, whore! I’m glad Mr. Nic tossed her ass to the curb! I don’t like to mince words. 🙂

        • Cue the superhero music – “What’s that over there? It’s a bird, it’s a plane – NO! It’s Infidelity Person! Able to leap on strange dick in a single bound”. Too much!

      • And she’s not even repentant! The cheater sex was crap and the cheater partner was crap, so OF COURSE she should be able to get her pre-cheating life back. She only regrets that it wasn’t any good and didn’t work out. You know, like a money-back guarantee; if not satisfied with the affair, just get your marriage back!

        • That’s ‘buyer’s remorse’.

          “Hey, when I decided to pick up this Other Guy somewhere and start doing him behind my husband’s back, I thought THAT was the happily-ever-after! I mean, I was HAPPY and I was FUCKING AWESOME and that’s exactly what my world was meant to be! No one TOLD me that my husband would find out, kick me to the curb, and throw my Other Guy Pick Up heels and strappy tops into the curb after me! Then when I told Other Guy that he ‘won’ me and we could be together forever and ever, and said I’d like to receive the keys to his apartment please, he looked horrified, ran away, and blocked me from the phone he used to sext me with all the time! Can you believe that?! I — I — I — I want a do-over! Not fair not fair not fair! I didn’t buy into this shit! I bought into the FUCKING AWESOME ME lifestyle! Is there someone more senior I can complain to?! Doesn’t anyone understand my problem here?!”

          Heh heh

    • Exactly carolyn! That was my first thought too. Not a word about her partner’s feelings, or the pain and shame of having to go for a full round of STD testing or anything at all, just what she want, but of course just because all she talks about is herself doesn’t mean she’s a narcissist. Actually, yeah, it looks that way from here. Your husband might be your home and your heart but it looks like he wised up and evicted you, Nic. We hope he finds the love and support he needs to break away from you, if not among his friends and family, then here at CN.

    • That was the point I was going to make–not one word about the husband who was devastated, no doubt, by this affair. So, Chump Nation, this is what “cheater remorse” adds up to–a whole bunch of statements about what the cheater feels, needs and wants. And not one word about the pain of the chump.

    • When a cheater says “I’m an asshole,” pay attention. Most people don’t think of themselves as assholes. So what you are getting is a a revelation of how that person thinks about her (or his) own character. It’s now one of my big rules: You tell me you’re an asshole and I’m out of here, whether the person is a friend or a colleague. I gave up assholes for good. And all chumps should remember that when they got married to that cheater, they didn’t think they were getting an asshole. Dealbreaker.

      • That is exactly what my ex would say/says. “I am just an average asshole.” As if it was a defense or excuse or chronic, uncurable condition. . .not a choice about how he behaved. I steer clear of assholes these days too.

        • Mine ended a string of post-D-day texts with “signing off, your narcissistic piece of shit.” Who was I to contradict him?

      • LAJ – That’s a great rule. The Entitled One used to say stuff like that too and I thought it was a sign of self-awareness. Actually, LOL, I guess it was just not in the way I thought!

  • My XW tells anyone who will listen that she never cheated. Instead, she just fell out of love and happened to develop feelings for the neighbor. These people are cut from the same cloth and will not accept responsibility for themselves.

    • So similar here Scott – I tell everyone who asks XH just didn’t want to be married anymore – he just forgot to tell me !

      • Exactly! I’ve always told people that cheating and infidelity are “transfering her attention and emotions to someone else without telling her spouse (me)”. Screwing them is just 5% of the issue. I’m so grateful for CN. Thanks.

      • Janet……ditto!
        I say XPOS brought at least 1 stripper (that I was aware of) for over 2 1/2 years in our relationship, he just forgot to tell me about it!

    • My cheater doesn’t like me using the words affair, girlfriend or cheating. He wants us just to stick to the narrative that we had martial problems, and yes we did have a martial problem it was him being out with his girlfriend while I was at home with a newborn baby and toddler.

    • the exhole tells everyone that he never cheated on his wife (me) because each time we were “separated” or “broken up”… … … … of course he NEVER tells anyone all the crappy and hateful shit HE DID BEFORE we separated. PLUS i never believed that separated meant that it was ok to f*ck other people. i always thought that separated meant to take time to think if being without your spouse is what you really wanted. i used to tell him that and i would tell him that marriage is not like high school. you do not “brake up” when you are married…..

      that was my first problem thou… if you are having to explain basic decent behavior to a grown up man… … … you already lost the fight. looking back i see it is so obvious that he was just coming up with excuses to be a douchebag,,,, and i loved him so much that i forgave him. he KNEW he was hurting me and his boys and STILL did not care. as long as he got what he wanted to hell with everyone else in the family, it did not matter if i loved him, if i treated him well, if i did everything for him, if i gave him a good life.. … … … because there were always 4 or 5 other sewer rats besides this one he ended up with to do the same thing for him that i was doing… …

      loyalty means nothing to this cheaters. you can give them everything and it STILL is not enough… dont even try, just let them go and move on. you will be better off alone then to be with someone who does not think of your feelings or care if what they are doing will hurt you…

      • Mrs. Vain,

        ‘Loyalty means nothing to this cheaters. you can give them everything and it STILL is not enough…’ What wisdom. I have been thinking about this bit of truth for months. My ex-boyfriend (who I don’t think cheated on me) told me that (my) loyalty was not enough, that ‘something was missing from our relationship.’ Thus, he had to go out to look for ‘strange’ to find a woman who was worth marrying. (According to him I wasn’t; he told me that he wanted to run away from me–thirty years after meeting me and one year after starting to date me, having voiced neither a complaint nor concern about my attitude/behavior/etc.) From now on, in any type of relationship (romantic, professional, etc.), I will try to steer clear of people who don’t highly appreciate loyalty.

  • Right off the bat this “infidelity person” calls this blog “crap”. She’s not crap and this blog is.

    Demands that an “infidelity person” has the right a second chance.

    How dare anyone confuse being a greedy infidelity person as being a narcissist.

    Followed by….I…I….I want….I want…my husband…my home….my…my…back…blah, blah blah….with all my heart….I want it all back….I want…I want….

    Yep….she’s not a cheating narcissist, she’s an infidelity person who is greedy…..yep….that’s a big difference….and she thinks this blog is crap.

    Namaste y’all

  • Nic’s letter is relatively short, yet I count 9 uses of “I” and 4 uses of “my”, which is telling. She is focused on her loss, not her husband’s. That is NARCISSISM, Nic. And you’re not asking for a “second chance”, you greedy infidelity person you. During those four months you had multiple chances to knock it off. So suck it up buttercup.

  • These “infidelity people” really do live in a world of their own. It’s a world with its own rules; apparently only book that they all share and read from every day; and one brain cell to pass among the collective masses. As I read this I was imagining a full grown woman throwing herself on the ground and flailing her arms and legs while screaming and crying. You know, like a toddler might do in a grocery store when they don’t get their way. It’s too bad that this world of their own isn’t an actual place where they could live separately from the rest of us actual people!

  • What does this chick care, anyway? She had her four months of strange dick. There are no do overs in real life. Grow up, Nic. Go find some more dic …

  • Some people just want to get pooped on even more. What did she think would happen by writing you that letter. Did she think the sun and the moon would align and that you would become her champion to convince her x-husband to take her back.

    She is a moron for think her husband is a chump and she is more moronic for thinking she can convince former chumps to fight her cause (which is crap).

    I think Chump lady covered it very nicely, if you are a cheater and want your spouse back then you need to eat shit for a very long time and expect nothing in return. You need to be open about everything and do everything that is asked of you. The cheaters always seem to forget that they caused the damage and the Chump is the one whose entire world and security/trust has been nuked off the planet. Even after eating all that shit their is no guarantee the Chump will take the Cheater back.

    That is absolutely the only way that it can be repaired! If the Cheater is not willing to do that then they really never loved the Chump to begin with and are truly not sorry. The Cheater is only after more “CAKE”.

  • Wow this so called “person” Nic really makes me laugh out loud and hard. I almost peed myself with how bat shit crazy Nic is.

    They really don’t like being called anything but special and a gift to the world. This note from Nic just proves even more how mentally ill they really are. It’s all about them and everyone else is the problem. Just a typical Narc rage Nic is having or toddler tantrum. Time to change her nappy and give her pacifier so she can be the “special” person she thinks she is. They just cannot handle not being so special.

    Truth is Nic you are mentally disordered. You lack so much in your soul that it is so sad. You are proof what many call Narcissist, Sociopath, and even Psychopath aka Cluster B Personality Disorder. You lack of empathy, no morals, no character, no common sense, entailment, lack of full brain development . Nic offers nothing to the world beside spreading STDs and HIV/AIDS to the world.

    Damn Nic I am almost to the point of feeling sorry for you……then again nope I don’t I am more laughing at you because I see and understand and fully educated the truth about how you mentally disordered beings (you are not a human being) are.

    Also sounds like you need more attention and love to stir up trouble (typical Nar behavior). Geez I am laughing with how mess up Nic and other Nar’s minds work.

    Thanks for the laugh Nic! lol, lol, lol, lol, They are bat shit crazy and even worse than I first thought. Thanks for this Chump Lady. I needed a good laugh today. OMG this Nic person is so funny.

    • *Your lack of empathy…. sorry laughing so hard at Nic I cannot spell any longer. omg Nic is bat shit crazy Narc Cheater. Ha!

  • The sad thing is cheaters almost always DO get a second chance. And often a third and a fourth. How many of us tried reconciliation or let the cheater stay out of concern for the kids or a myriad of other reasons? Or bought into their lies during the post DDAy emotional bloodbath when we couldn’t think straight? The cheater always wants to just put it all behind them and treat their affairs like a mistake or just one of those things that happen in life. Well I can’t just hit the reset button like he can. I can’t scour these images and memories from my brain. I can’t turn off the triggers. I don’t get a second chance to return to normal, why should he.

    • That is so true Carmella1722, so many cheaters get a second chance that other cheaters feel even more entitled to get theirs!

      In an effort to build better boundaries with my cheater and in general, I spent a bit of time researching what true repentance looks like vs. GINR… And Bancroft’s 13 steps, developed through two decades of building and facilitating abuser recovery programs was one of the most helpful ones I could find!

      Note that many cheaters can go from 1-4, but most are unlikely to move past that.

      1. Admit fully to history of psychological, sexual, and physical abusiveness toward any current or past partners whom the cheater abused. No Denial and minimizing, no discrediting the chump’s memory of what happened. A cheater can’t change if s/he keeps on covering up parts of what s/he has done.

      2. Acknowledge that the cheating and other abuse was wrong, unconditionally. The cheater needs to recognize the false justifications s/he has tended to use, including blaming the chump, and to talk in details about the reasons why the cheater’s behaviors are unacceptable without slipping back into defending them.

      3. Acknowledge that the cheater’s behavior was a choice (as opposed to a loss of control). Cheaters need to recognize and fully comprehend that, during each incident, there was a moment of giving oneself permission to become abusive and a choice about how far to let him/herself go.

      4. Unconditionally recognize the effects of the cheater’s actions and abuse on the chump, on the children, and demonstrate true empathy for those. The cheater needs to talk in detail about her/his cheating’s short-and-long term impact, including loss of trust, anger, fear, and loss of freedom and other rights. This of course, has to come without a poor sausage routine of feeling sorry for her/himself or talking about how hard the experience has been for her/him.

      5. Bring to light her/his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. S/he needs to speak about the day-to-day tactics of abuse s/he has used to mislead the chump. Equally important, s/he must be able to articulate the underlying beliefs and values that have driven those behaviors, whether these beliefs include considering her/himself entitled to constant attention, looking down on the chump as inferior, or believing that one isn’t responsible for their actions if “provoked” by a partner.

      6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes that replace previously abusive (and now stopped) behaviors. Chumps will observe examples of such behaviors as improving how well s/he listens to the chump during conflicts and during more peaceful times, carrying her/his weight of household responsibilities and child care, and supporting the chump’s independent pursuits. The cheater has to show in observable manner that s/he has to come to accept the fact that the chump have rights and that the chump’s rights are at least equal, if not higher than the cheater’s at least right after the cheating is discovered.

      7. The cheater shows observable signs that s/he has reevaluated and changed his distorted image of the chump, replacing her/his previous distorted view with a more positive and empathetic view. The cheater starting to show appreciation for the chump and pay attention to the chump’s strengths and abilities are signs that the cheater is starting to recognize her/his previous habits of exaggerating her/his grievances against the chump and her/his distorted view of the chump’s perceived weaknesses. Note that this is extremely hard to assess when dealing with a cluster B with sociopathic tendencies.

      8. The cheater has to make amends for the damage s/he has done. The cheater recognizes that s/he has a debt to you and to your children as a result of his/her entitlement and abusiveness. S/he can make amends by becoming consistently supportive and kind, and by putting her/his own needs on the back burner for a few years. S/he can also make amends by talking with people whom s/he has mislead about the cheating and the underlying or blatant abuse, and admit to them that s/he lied. Making amends also includes spontaneously paying for objects that s/he has damaged. Note that, at the same time, the cheater needs to understand and accept that making amends is not equivalent to wiping the slate clean, that all the amends being made still lead the cheater to a place where s/he might never fully compensate the chump and other important persons who have been hurt by her/his behavior.

      9. Fully accept the full weight of the consequences of her/his chosen course of actions. No whining about, or blaming the chump for problems that are the result of her/his cheating or other abuse (e.g. the chump’s loss of desire to be sexual with the cheater, the children’s tendency to prefer the chump, or the fact that s/he is on probation).

      10. Fully commit to not repeating her/his abusive behaviors and walking the talk. S/he should not have an unconditional and steadfast focus on her/his values change, as well as her/his attitude and behavioral improvement. No name calling, no blameshifting, no impatience with the pace of her/his probation. If s/he does backslide, s/he cannot justify the return of her/his abusive attitude or behaviors by saying, “But I’ve done great for X months; you can’t expect me to be perfect!” No bitch cookies for displaying basic courteous behaviors!

      11. Accept the need to give up her/his privileges and do so. No more double standards, no more flirting, no more taking off with for girls/guys week-ends while the chump look after the children, and to being allowed to express anger or disappointment while the chump is not.

      12. Accept that overcoming cheating and related abusiveness is likely to be a life long process. S/he at no time can claim that her/his work is done by saying to you, “I’ve changed but you haven’t,” or complain that s/he is sick of hearing about the cheater, or abuse and control and that “it’s time to get past all that.”

      13. Be willing to be accountable for her/his actions, both past and future. Her/his attitude that s/he is special and above reproach has to be replaced by an unwavering willingness and ability to accept feedback and criticism, to be honest about any backsliding, and to be answerable for what s/he does and how it affects the chumps, their families, and especially their children.

      So you see NIC, it is hard work to earn trust back, and from your missive, you are not even close to #2.

      Fellow chumps, I hope this outline will help you realize that you are worthy of respect and that it is your right to break up with your cheater at any point if they do not show contrition or are not willing to take the steps above. It has helped me build better boundaries with my X as I forge on to Meh :)!

      • Thank you so much for taking the time to type all of that here. My cheater (Mr. Trickle Truth) cannot even accomplish #1. There was a time when I might have had the patience to see him through the whole list of steps (if he were honestly interested, which he is not), but now just reading it exhausts me. That is a good thing for me to know.

        • You’re welcome Dixie Chump, trickle truth is in itself is a deal breaker!

          Same as you reading it, writing/typing this really helped me see my X for what he is, a worthless faithless POS and embarrassment for my family with P(change) = 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001.

      • You’ve just outlined the very best reasons for any chump who wants to “save” the marriage to separate, establish separate residences, and prepare to file for divorce. The Cheater can spend a year living in a separate apartment going through this process of recovering some humanity, if that is possible. And the Chump can heal and get enough perspective to gauge the level of “remorse.” And just as important, the Chump can take a long, measured look at how dysfunctional and disordered the Infidelity Person aka CHEATER is. Most people looking for the easy was to medicate their inadequacy could never do the work of real remorse, as Dr. Simon also describes in his work.

        • Exactly LAJ, knowledge is power. Learning more about what is considered a healthy path to repentance helped me realize how deep my X’s entitlement ran and made it easier for me to file for divorce despite my heart being pulverized and his masterful mindfuckery.

      • I could never imagine XH going through all of those steps to demonstrate remorse. He verbally denied everything although micro-second facial expressions told a different story. I think when a cheater says they want to come back home, it just means they want to come back home to cake.

        • YES Chumptacular!

          “I want to come back home” is indeed more akin to “I want more cake”
          Same for “I love you” coming from a cheater’s mouth, that would really more mean something like “you are of use to me.”

          Good riddance!

      • That is an excellent list! Unfortunately my CW couldn’t get through reading the list much less doing the work.

    • My cheater ex got a second chance. He appears to have assumed that this meant there would be a 3rd, 4th, etc, despite my being EXTREMELY clear that this would not be the case.

      He actually claimed, after Affair #2 began and I kicked him out, that he had ‘totally forgotten’ about the conversation, after Affair #1, in which I said that there was no way this could happen again, that would be the end for me. The conversation in which he promised he would NEVER cheat again. That even if he were terribly unhappy in our relationship, he would leave before ever getting involved with another woman again.

      Yup, he forgot. I didn’t.

    • You know that’s just it. I tried and tried and tried to communicate to my husband that his relationship with his Ho-Worker was unacceptable. And he would say OK, I understand and I won’t talk to her any more. Then he just went ahead and kept talking to her, hanging around her, probably fucking her anyway. I gave him several years worth of chances and rather than take me and my concerns and my desires seriously, he just lied to my face and then continued doing whatever he wanted to do. How many chances for honestly and respect do I have to grant before I just throw my hands in the air and say “fuck it… I’m out.” It’s apparently a number greater than 157 (which is what it feels like)… if only I had given that 158th chance I could have saved my marriage. At what point does the cheater take ownership and say “Ok – real talk. I’m a cheater and going to keep cheating and I don’t think you should make me face the consequences.” Just be honest… that’s all I want.

  • My XH now says that his affair was an “inappropriate relationship.” So much nicer than “I cheated.”

    These idiots are all the same…

    • Yep Red! They know how to “dress it up”, turn a word or two and basically whitewash the whole shitty experience to make themselves and the whole tawdry episode look like a small hiccup in their otherwise stellar lives! It makes me want to throw up! The whole deceitful affair is just such trashy behavior!

    • Thats what mine said too…only he didnt finish his sentence. He said he had “an innappropriate…” then changed the subject and wpuld not clarify what he was about to say. That is as close to a confession as he ever made.

  • I’m having this made into a bumper sticker so when others Chumps see me driving around South Jersey they can knowingly smile 🙂

    “I don’t know how infidelity people become greedy. Just one of those messy bed things. We should stop labeling tadpoles.”

    Great UBT today!

    Signed with admiration,

    A NON-Infidelity Person

  • *** “I believe that the infidelity person should be given a second chance to prove that they can have the life they had before they caused and made a big mess of “you’ve made your bed now lie in it.”

    It really doesn’t matter that you believe it SHOULD happen. It’s not up to you anymore. The time to think about consequences is BEFORE you do something; that’s the only time you have the power to avoid bad consequences. Afterward, it’s not up to you anymore. This is like when my children used to complain about doing poorly on a test and then BLAMED the test, the teacher, the teaching, rather than their own failure to study properly. Are you 8 years old, Nic? You failed because you chose to make bad and dishonest decisions… for 4 months straight (let’s be honest here – it was more like 10 months, wasn’t it? – and you’ve just failed in secret for a long time before that, I’m sure.) Only, it didn’t look like failure because no one knew… but that failure still existed/exists, Nic. You chose failure, over and over, and now think that you deserve to pass?

    *** “I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with.”

    You are simply the kind of person who chooses bad things instead of good things. Repeatedly. It’s really simple to make good choices, btw. You just tell the truth and refuse to harm other people. You don’t do that, Nic. You lie and hurt people you’ve promised to love and cherish. It doesn’t matter that you don’t understand WHY you do this. Knowing that it’s wrong doesn’t stop you. THAT is the kind of person you are.

    *** “My husband is my home and heart I’m just the Asshole that that became greedy not a “narcissist” as you keep labelling people.”

    You showed your husband that you don’t think he’s worth being kind, honest, and loving toward… you can SAY he’s your “home and heart” (lol) but you don’t back that up with action.

    You didn’t become greedy; you ARE greedy. You are still the same person you were before- and we know this because you admittedly still “don’t know why” you *repeatedly chose* to rip out the heart and soul of a good man by betraying him utterly. We know you are still greedy because you dare to think you “should be given a second chance.” Because you dare to assume that he is capable of loving you at all, after your selfish butchery of him. Because you dare to assume that a selfish, unfaithful, cheating, entitled wife who makes bad decisions, over and over, is even WORTH the trouble, to him.

    *** “This is not stupid shit people say.”

    I think it is, Nic. It really is. Stupid people make bad choices, over and over, and expect better outcomes. Like you- except that you’re worse to a much higher power, in ALSO thinking that you are somehow ENTITLED to better outcomes.

    *** “I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.”

    That’s too bad. YOU killed your marriage. You broke his heart and now have some expectation that he can love you with a broken heart. YOU destroyed the life you had with bad decisions. Repeatedly. You don’t get to change the past. Claiming that you WANT to is a vain, hollow, action-less attempt at displaying remorse.

    It’s self-pity, Nic. It’s you, still being focused on how all of this has affected YOU.

    *** “I love him with all my heart!”

    No, Nic- you don’t. You don’t know how to love someone else, only how to behave in a way that will get other people to provide you with good feelings about yourself. That is not love and so, putting your heart-muscle into self-serving endeavors is a useless offering to anyone else.

    • This is so perfectly said. I love it when someone says, “If I could go back and change the past I would.” You might as well tell me that instead of moving forward honestly and changing behaviors, you would only do something that is impossible, therefore you don’t have to do anything at all.

      I keep a list on my Iphone notes that is titled, “You are mighty.” I add words of wisdom from this site to remind myself of who I am and what I am look for. I’ve added, “It’s really simple to make good choices, btw. You just tell the truth and refuse to harm other people.”

      • What a good point, Anne, about those (like my ex) who say “If I could go back and change it, I would”, and think that should somehow make them look good or better or deserving of forgiveness. It basically means “I will do whatever I feel like, without thought of consequences, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be regretful.” OK, and where is the taking of responsibility???? At any point in that process???

  • Bitch please.

    So you fucked somebody else behind your husbands back, lied to him, broke his trust, and he should take you back because why?

    Because you want him to? Because you made a widdle mistakey and you’re so, so, sorry? Because YOU’VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON NOW FORGIVE ME DAMMIT!?

    (cue sad dancing clowns and violin music please)

    And oh, your fellow “infidelity person” was a prick? What a shame you didn’t manage to find one of those fine, upright, honest, decent “infidelity people”

    Because there are just so fucking many of those..

    Slither your little tadpole ass back to the messy bed you made and go cry me a river of crocodile tears you skank.

    And dear God i hope your husband finds his way here, I’d LOVE to hear his side of the story!

    • I am willing to bet my net worth (which isn’t much thanks to XW) that her husband showed ol Narc, I mean Nic, this page and it wasn’t what she wanted to hear!

      • I bet you are right — why would an entitled infidelity person seek this particular blog and read it, otherwise? Maybe she was confused and was looking for ways to convince her spouse to give her another chance? How to make your spouse a chump, again. Hmm, sounds conveniently like a political slogan!

        Seriously though, she certainly told us, didn’t she? Cleared it all up for us, and so convincingly, too. Nothing about her entitled story, with a dose of convenient amnesia (I don’t know why I did it) and no apology for her behavior at all, is convincing. She deserves another chance, by golly. We are just mean people. Her attitude should really convince her spouse that she is contrite, and will never, ever cheat again. SHE wants HER life back. Maybe her spouse wanted a wife that wasn’t a cheater? What about HIS wants, needs, and desires?

        • Yes, yessss – WE are mean for judging her by her repeatedly-awful, decisions, for which she is only sorry for because she was caught/it didn’t work out the way she wanted; she’s NOT mean for DOING them.

          heh. Kinda like when an abusive parent/spouse beats you and only apologizes when they see the welts and bruises forming. Other people are going to see.that.shit. They’ll think you’re a bad person! So you need to keep it quiet for as long as possible… and when that fails, they admit to things maybe getting a little out of hand…

          “BUT I only did it because of [All the Other Things!] And especially because of [the victim!] You have no idea what it’s like, being married to/the parent of him/her! Also, s/he bruises easily anyway. Such.a.victim anyway. I’m ALWAYS wrong. You have no idea what it’s like! But yes, bruises – I am so sorry and will never do it again!”

      • Cletus,

        You’re right. I hadn’t thought of that. Reading Nic’s letter again, it *does* sound like a teary taco plea to her soon-to-be-ex husband via Chump Lady.

        Nic, we know you’re reading. Thoughts?

    • Gep, you and I are both psych nurses and many others on here are in the psych community…….we all smell Cluster B and manipulation going on here. Could be fun to watch. Do you like butter with your popcorn??

  • On the first read through when I was trying to parse her really, really awful sentence structure, I thought Nic was referring to CL as the “infidelity person” meaning the expert on the pain of infidelity. 😀 Either way that was a painful read, not because I feel bad for her, but because I feel bad for whoever it was who tried to teach that twit to write a sentence. #epicfail

  • NEWSFLASH: Once you cheat, er infidelity, for four months (not knowing why you did it HUH?) a second chance isn’t going to allow you to get back to how things were before you cheated.

    First, you don’t know why you cheated for four months? Really?

    Second, yes you CHEATED, you didn’t ‘infidelity’ LMAO

    Your poor SO might take you back, but they will never trust you again. Ever. They might indulge in a bit of denial. They might try to overlook what you did. They might just be a really wonderful person who will give it their best shot to continue in a relationship with you – which begs the question: if they are that wonderful a person Why The FUCK did you cheat on them in the first place.

    Oh, never mind…..

    I’m always astonished that there are real people who think like this.

    lol

    • haha – just seeing the potential for verb-ing “infidelity.”

      Whore: “Infidelitize me, Baby! Harder! AGAIN!”

      Like deputizing lesser humans for cheating purposes, with a disease-carrying cock as the rite of Infidelitizing all of these potential Infidelity People.

        • Like my dickhead…”It just happened.” For 8 months???? I think he needs to get his IQ tested…..there is no Einstein material going on between his ears! (eye roll)

          • Yeah. “We didn’t plan it. It just happened.” I just happened to put up a dating profile, but then just happened to keep it up after the first dday so I could keep in touch with friends. Then, I just happened to spend a lot of time hanging out inside this female friends house, see. Then, we just happened to kiss. Then, we just happened to take our clothes off. Then, I just happened to fall into her and out of her and back into her and back out of her and back in…for like an hour. Then, I just happened to lie and make excuses repeatedly. Then, I just happened to repeat all of that for like a year and so did she. But, really, it just happened. It’s not like we put any thought or intent into it any point.

  • “I don’t know what made me keep going back there”. In my experience, the people ( sorry, “infidelity people”) who have the most to cover just lose their memory. I know cheaters who DON’T regret the affair , for various reasons, who remember EVERY DETAIL.( these people frequently left their spouse for the ow or om) Those who want to get back with the chump have amnesia immediately after the affair is over. Instant Amnesia. I’m gonna get me some. I need it every time I go to my Oncological Gynecologist so I can forget about those creeping pre-cancerous cells from HPV.

    • I’m so sorry! I had pre-cancerous cells from hpv too. In my early 30s, I had two biopsies, a laser ablation surgery and a hysterectomy. It really scared me for awhile, because it looked like nothing was working. I’ve had normal results for four years now. I hope your pre-cancerous cells end up getting back in check soon.

    • I’ve had normal results for 10 years now, though I had a scare last year. Coincidentally it is the same number of years since Saddam cut me off from sex. Funny in a sad way, he once said to me he was afraid to have sex with me because he thought he was making me worse. Was that perhaps a grain of truth about cheating on me…maybe.

  • She had a 4 month affair because she chose to. Period. Every single day of that affair she chose to deceive her husband along with all the seconds and minutes of those days. She wants a chance to prove to him…. she had a the chance. He chose her to share his life with, with the understanding of trust and devotion to one another. He took that leap of faith with her already and she took that and shit all over it. She had second and third chances, too and forth and fifths.. how many days in 4 months? Each day, she had the chance to communicate with her husband what was going on. Each day she had a chance to end it. It ended, now she is ready for that chance. What a load of crap.

    When two people commit, they build life – love – trust. That is their bond, that bond is now over. Severed it the worst way possible.

    All she can do it apologize and do her husband a favor and not continue to hurt him while they part, to go NC with him and to have a peaceful and fair divorce. To own up to her actions/inactions and let him go. He has a hard road ahead of him and her 4 month affair just crushed his soul, blew up his life and hurt him like nothing could.. She cannot unhappen it, a second chance or any chance at all cannot undo what has been done.

  • Second chance? I gave it to her. And third. Fourth. Fifth. Sixth…

    Chumps, a show of hands: how many of you left your cheater after the first D-Day and never gave a second chance?

    …chirp

    …chirp

    Crickets.

    • I stayed in my own apt. but continued for 10 more months to find out there were more APs, that it was likely the entire 23 years and during this time he met someone else and thought he was going to do a new pick me dance. NC since. Been here since.

    • 20 years of second chances. Because surely he loved me and didn’t intentionally hurt me. Surely. Except he did … over and over. Now he wants forgiveness once again so that HE can sleep more comfortably at night, peaceful in the thought that if he is forgiven then it is all okay. Forgiveness denied.

    • I actually did leave my cheater after the first D-day, but I found Chumplady the night of my D-day so I got a good healthy smack in the head with a 2×4. I know I was lucky! Not everyone is that fortunate. It’s a difficult road to travel and I understand how chumps can give second chances. Unfortunately my D-day came after years of gas lighting, emotional neglect and abuse. After reading here I was able to see that and I knew I’d rather die fighting to get out than stay in.

      • AllOutofKibble, you are lucky to have found CL at the time you did. You know what I found? How to forgive your spouse, how to heal and reconcile, how an affair can make a marriage better than ever, how to allow him/her to mourn their AP, how it was my fault too that the relationship failed and caused the affair. I was insane. That is what I found and while in shock and in self blame mode finding all that crap was more damaging than anything.

        • I found the same crap Jackie, I did give Saddam a second chance, lasted 10 years. Caught him again, gave him another chance, though that only lasted a month. I hate the RIC with all my heart

    • It’s too bad second chances don’t make people less crappy. Like fairy dust that’s magical. Look! I gave you a second chance, waved my wand and sprinkled magic dust. Now that will change you!! I wish it did work. But it does not. How do I know? Yep. So many chances. And when he fails whose fault is it? Mine of course. I need off this crazy ride.

      • Oops … must have used the wrong dust … reached for fairy dust but accidently grabbed the Entitled Asshole dust. Too bad I dumped the whole darn batch on him …

    • JC – Raising my hand for no second chance post D-Day #1!

      I had been clear before marrying him that infidelity was a deal breaker… The moment I found out about his affair, he tried all the cheater’s arsenal with an Oscar-worthy poor sausage routine. But nope, I duct-tapped my spilled-out guts, secured a lawyer and was moved out with copies of all financials, tax returns etc in 3 weeks.

      Cue to a hellish divorce… Thankfully I found CL and CN, and incredibly generous advice and support as I tried to negotiate “fair” divorce terms with my X. I kept NC, and divorced my cheater with dignity.

      I’m a few months post-divorce and less than two years post D-Day, picking up the pieces of my life, trying to not wait for the karma bus to do its job…

      Thanks to CN and CL, I feel validated and proud for having left my X after DDay#1.

    • I moved into the guest bedroom after D-day, gave him a few weeks to see if he would make proper amends (knew he couldn’t) and then threw him out of the house. #dealbreaker

    • I did leave when I had evidence of an EA. I’d previously questioned his relationships with some other women, but I never had any definitive proof. Once I had evidence that confirmed my gut instincts about one particular woman, it made me realize my gut was probably right in the past as well. So I left before he could give me another dose of abusive, gaslighting, blameshifting denial.

      • He stayed for about another week and a half or so. Went out to the bar where the ow just happened to be to “console” him and then to a former mutual friend’s house where she just happened to show up for more “reassurance and consolation that it’d be okay” not caring that I was home getting drunk and crying my heart out, and then when his parents came up to talk some sense into him (he was ready to dump the kids and I the day after he told me) he lost it and started screaming at them. His mom threatened to cut him out of her will if he went through with it and he said he didn’t care. He didn’t “want your damn money. I love her and this marriage is over.” He treated me like shit. He treated his kids like shit. And then when he treated his parents like that, I told him to pack his shit and get the fuck out right after his parents left. Only hesitation on his part? “Can I at least say goodbye to the kids first or even the baby?” Yeah, let’s twist the knife in their hearts a few more times. I said no. He asked if it had to be this way. I asked if he’d stop seeing the whore and go into marriage counseling. He said no. I said get your shit and get out of my house.

    • Hand raised……..Found out he was cheating, confronted him. Same day took his shit, tossed it in Hefty bags and told him to “Get the fuck out!”

      • 36 hours after I confronted her on D-day (destruction-day because Match Girl maliciously girls’-night-out-ed me), I was on a plane to Texas. Haven’t seen her since. Deal-breakers wreckoncilers – getcha’ some.

  • Wonders never cease!! My SAxh told me and the extended family/friends he was sorry for “Misrepresenting Himself”. ROFLMBO —- 31 years of serial mis-representing sounds better than he was a POS lying, cheater that blew up a beautiful family.

    UGH, if he were a dog, I’d have to put him down. 🙂 Instead I sent him packing finally. Reminds me I need to order my MEH cup! Thanks CL for your blog <3

  • Another thing about this idiot–because she reads this blog, she should have a better understanding of the real consequences of infidelity as told by the ‘other side’ so to speak. She should know the pain it causes, the trauma, the PTSD. She has read accounts of the devastation. The popular myths and misconceptions i.e. “I cheated because…” should be shattered and replaced by a desire to help her husband heal. And she’s been given a road map back–transparency, counseling, etc. She knows how to become a unicorn if she truly loves her husband and wants him and her life back. But she wants the easy way back without the hard work and chooses to tell us we’re wrong, not her. Nic, take a good long look in the mirror and then spend some time in unicorn school.

    • FinallyAwake, you are a gem. I hope your heart is healing well today. I am astounded by your comment. Your memory, humor, and your ability to show compassion for a random person on the Internet is heartwarming. Same for all the kind comments in the last few days, I really take them to heart too. Thank you Chump Lady for creating Chump Nation.

      And, no. The four-month timeline “Match-es” mine, but I’m in an “Infidelity People-” imposed silent-treatment time-out versus no-contact battle-to-the-death. Not a peep from my STBXW. Nor do I expect to hear from her. She’s (of course) dragging out the legal proceedings as much as humanly possible. It’s more likely that Nic would look-up the word “Narcissist” in a dictionary than Match Girl would Google “infidelity.”

      • Ian – Hang in there with the divorce proceedings! Did you decide to go with a fault divorce?

        I am glad you keep posting Ian, I laugh so hard at your and CN comments most days, truly incredible community, although I wish none of us had to find each other because of going through such horrendous pain dealt by cheaters such as MatchGirl and her MatchStick POS AP…

        May they both and all cheaters self-combust! OK, far from Meh, but forging on!

        • Chumptitude,

          It was your story of deal-breakers that convinced me to pursue a fault divorce. Yeah, Match Stick is going to be deposed. They’re probably upset. Awww.

          His relative wealth and the unwanted co-mingling of *my* finances factors into the unconscionably disparate standard-of-living test. I hope her vagina was worth it to him.

          • You go Ian, I’m so glad you went for the fault divorce!

            Sweet karma for MatchGirl and her MatchStick AP to get their unforgivable actions on public records!

            Hopefully that will give you a great settlement and give them a good taste of justice… Although I have come to realize that “Justice” in Family Court might be more akin to “harm reduction” than anything else…

            Forge on Ian, you ROCK!

            • Chumptitude,

              You’re right again. Courts and judges being what they are, I hold no illusions about any just outcome. I’m more interested in making them suffer.

              Oops. Did I say that out loud?

              • Ian – I hear you. Let’s just say that DDay has had a transformational effect on how I perceive and experience schadenfreude…

  • They deserve a second chance…. Because the first four months were all just ONE mistake?

    Fuck. That. Noise.

    You made decision after decision. Error after error.

    You know what that means? Realistically, all the time you weren’t getting caught were your second chances. You didn’t take them.

    I believe there might be a person or two who slip and fix it. I don’t know any, but in the universes, it may exist. But this nic is not one of them.

  • Let’s test Nic’s logical reasoning IQ with the following question:

    *Some cheaters are narcissists. Some narcissists are infidelity people. All infidelity people are cheaters. Therefore, does it stand to reason that most infidelity people are narcissists?

      • Truth trees work too. And the old standbys. Joe is an old fucker. Fuckers suck shit. Joe sucks shit. [Joe is an old salt. Salt dissolves in water. Joe dissolves in water.]

  • Infidelity People? As in the Infidelity People from Planet Infidel? Ironically, she’s the one who was being probed without her knowing.

  • My X told me the same thing over and over, “I love you with all my heart” but it wasn’t true. That is not love at all. When you love someone you don’t do things to hurt or lose them. Stupid. If anyone ever tells me they love me with all their heart again I will run!

    • The day before dday, “you know I love you, Baby.” If this is love, may I live to be 100 and alone!

  • This can be summarized in one line: “I’m entitled to my husband’s forgiveness, regardless of what he wants or what I deserve.”

    Nic, I’m sure it’s SO comforting to your husband to know that he is your “home and heart”, while another guy was your fun and your vagina.

    My sincerest hope is that you wrote to Chump Lady because your husband found her blog and it infuriates you that he’s following her advice.

  • Well, by all means, who wouldn’t want her back?!? She’s such a prize, you know, with how eloquently she expressed herself in this well written true testament of remorse and love for HERSELF…uhmmm…sorry, for her husband?

    CL…you crack me up! Tadpole, dolphin…hahaha. I can’t concentrate now…I’m so caught up in the moment!

  • Well since I never made a A in English, I wont comment on the above. What probable occurred is 4 month affair kicked her ass to the curb. Now all she has is hubby. Till the next opportunity arises. My cheater also believes she should be given a second chance. Problem is, how can you expect someone to just overlook 4 years of cheating? Plus the emotional abuse. I can never forget the words I read the pictures I saw. The you are fucking crazy or psychotic. There may be unicorns out there…. but they need to be a better person for the next guy/gal. Shit wont ever work with what they have done. Too much damage… Too much trust broken. May she be happy in her next life. Mine is taking a different path.

    • DavidB, mine wanted another chance too. And I was willing to give it. Problem was he wanted it with no effort or responsibility on his part. He actually said to me “I just want to come home, for all of this to be forgotten and for our lives to go back the way they were”. Seriously, that’s what I got. My translation was that he wanted me to sweep his serial cheating under the rug, never mention it again, ignore that it happened and let him keep doing it. He basically wanted his chump back in line and pretty much said so. My response? “That’s just not going to happen.”

      • BBC, “Seriously, that’s what I got. My translation was that he wanted me to sweep his serial cheating under the rug, never mention it again, ignore that it happened and let him keep doing it. He basically wanted his chump back in line and pretty much said so.”

        I got a dead of night voicemail, thank goodness that I didn’t hear the phone ring, I would have reamed him for it. He said that “You were right. Cindy went back to her husband.” And a bunch of other idiotic things, but what made my little heart beat so much faster, besides hearing his poor, pitiful me voice, was at the end (not), he says ” I don’t know why I even try, you don’t care anyway.” No remorse, not one ounce, not one drop of remorse. I was floored. Ok, so I am right, great, schmoopie went back to her husband, no surprise there, even his scummy friends told him that was going to happen, but that he wanted me to be sorry for his pain. WTF!!! And here is the cherry on top of the shit sundae, he tells people that I am so mean and that I did not accept his “apology”. WTF*ingF!!! There was no apology, he just wanted his chump back in line and could not be bothered with what I was feeling, what he put me and the kids through, how he abandoned us without a backward glance, none of it. Just sweep it under the rug, you mean chump and return to worshiping me. It just amazes me, what they think that the chump should do, above and beyond the call of duty, to keep them in cake!!! NO!!!! NO!!! NO!!! Not going to happen. Idiots!

        • Yup, they want things back to normal, no anger or tears from the cheater. Two months after D-day, when then-H had already been out of the house for 4+ weeks, and I had already filed for divorce, he sent me this, “What, I guess, I need from you is a commitment to try your absolute hardest to do whatever it takes to get over this and focus positively on the future with me as well as a decision to do your very best to let the past go. In that case, I would go back to therapy, if you deem it necessary. My own preference, for what little it is worth, is to focus on the good stuff and the future, to be positive, deliberately upbeat and constructive while understanding you might have bad moments or flashbacks. Dwelling on bad things in the past has only negative effects.”

          SMH. Yes, those negative effects would include divorcing your sorry ass and moving on with a cheater-free life.

          • WOW, your X is the impressive pompous self-centered king of his limited mental universe Tempest, so glad you evicted him from your life!

          • (Wiping tear from my eye)….That was the most touching love letter I have ever read! LOL….idiot!! Glad you tossed his butt to the curb.

          • Were we married to the same man? I swear mine did the whole “focus on the future” crap, too. I hate that phrase.

      • Yep ByeBye, satan texted me a picture of himself (up his nose pretty much ewww) and said, ‘Jeep, I would like to move home in the morning if you can let this go.’ When I hadn’t replied by the next morning he texted another picture (this one face on) and said, ‘You should let me moved home I won at cards last night!’ Wha????

        Unbelievable … all of em…

        • Bahahahahaha! I know I betrayed you, but c’mon I WON AT CARDS! How can you not take that back? I am now $4 richer. We could go to the Bahamas baby!

          • Janna I will never understand why he thought that might make some huge difference…I never knew him to play cards…so…??? He always said he hated playing cards and gambling and never would participate. My brothers are poker freaks and he would never play with them. He never watched sports either…said it was a waste of time. I hear that now he sits all day in a sports bar swilling beer and eating wings. ??? I probably wouldn’t know him if I fell over him. OMG what a waste of time and energy he has apparently become!

            …the satan skein…and the stupid shit cheaters say and do…meow!

            Yeah…they all just need to fuck the hell off!

      • Mine expected me to sweep it under the rug while keeping his profile on a site that was like Tinder. He needed to keep that profile so he could stay in touch with “friends”.

  • I am sure that while the affair was going on she didn’t think that it was shit. During that four months…… well she probably had the opportunity of getting a second chance. After four months….. she is not in a position to choose. Her husband didn’t have a choice in the situation that Nic put him in, so my guess is that she has no choice in the situation that her husband puts her in. Fair is fair. Ball is in his court now.

  • I would love to have her poor chump husband answer her on this blog, but until then, I will take the liberty of answering her in his (my) voice.

    (clearing of the vocal chords)

    “Go to Hell! Get the fuck away from me you fucking whore skank! The next time I see your syphilis carrying ass will be in court!”

    (walk away without a backwards glance).

  • Please tell us more about what infidelity people should be given. We’re fascinated.

    I love it when people “prove to me” what they “can have”.

    Thanks for writing in. We needed this.

  • I love you Chump Lady! Nic, you asked for it. I almost feel bad for you; and then I remember what you put your STBX through.

  • Do they all go to cheater summer camp or something? Sorry Nic, …infidelity summer camp…

    Nic, you admit that you had an affair and are an asshole and are so so so so sorry.

    BUT you are clueless about why you did it….’it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back…my husband is my home and heart…’

    I will happily give you a second chance — if you can explain why and why you kept going back. And I don’t mean because you were bored or greedy. Why did you choose the AP over your ‘husband who is your home and heart’?

    If you love your husband with all of your heart – why were you bonking some other dude for 4 months.

    Your husband deserves a second chance at happiness. Please let him go and drive directly to therapy.

  • Believing that you *deserve* a second chance is what makes you a narcissist. That plus your obvious lack of empathy. Sweetie, your ego is writing checks your body can’t cash.

    Why oh WHY should your husband trust you WITH HIS LIFE–AGAIN– if you don’t even know WHY you did this in the first place? You don’t *deserve* to be trusted because YOU’RE NOT TRUSTWORTHY! You’ve already proven that by telling us that you “don’t know WHY you did it”. That’s a recipe for a repeat performance.

    • Even if someone did claim to know why they had an affair, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are trustworthy. Some people are just manipulative.

  • Hi Nic. Don’t listen to all these bitter-bunnies.

    You’re an amazing person! You only have one life on this Earth and you deserve to be happy. So what if you kissed, touched, licked, fucked, and loved another guy. You have every right to live your life to it’s fullest. What’s important is you feel “alive!” That includes having peel-the-paint-off-the-wall hot sex with anybody you want. Your four-month fuckbuddy desired you because you are an incredible human being.

    You needn’t burden yourself with any shame or guilt. Your husband is entirely to blame for your straying. A husband is responsible for keeping his spouse happy. He should have noticed you. He should have realized you were unhappy with the marriage. You may not have said anything to him directly about your misery, but I’m sure you left clues. Your husband was either too stupid or obtuse to notice you. Your four-month fuckbuddy paid attention to you. He knew how to make you feel “alive!”

    And now that your four-month affair is over, you are choosing to pay attention to your marriage again. You committing yourself to your husband. Your husband’s needs to wake-up out of his fog. All his wallowing in the infidelity remorse bullshit just keeps him distracted away from what’s really important – focusing on you. He is a selfish prick for the pain he’s brought upon himself. Your husband is missing the bigger picture. You are here NOW. And I am sure you are willing to do whatever it takes (within reason of course) to get over and get on with your life.

    If he’s going to continue to bring up the past, to rub your nose in what was a brief minor indiscretion, well then that’s his own fault for not getting over it.

    [That’s what you REALLY wanted to hear, right Nic?]

    • Ha! Are you an infidelity expert with various books on how to save your marriage after an affair? Because, you sound just like them! lol

      • The (very) sad thing is that the aim was what the cheaters tell each other on their cheater sites. Chump Lady is going to smack me up-side the head with a brick, but I hadn’t ever made the connection between what the cheaters tell each other and how the reconciliation industry panders to the cheater.

        Wow. Just… wow.

  • Nic sounds just like my ex-wife. Nic you are crap and not this blog. “Infidelity people” like you can’t handle CL’s message, “leave a cheater gain a life”.

    Nic, you’re having a temper tantrum, worse than a two year old having a fit in a cake grocery isle.

    Nic, why don’t you direct your chump husband to this “crap” blog site. We’ll be here for him.

  • Nic

    The Limited told my children he wouldn’t know what he would do if I EVER did this to him. After 41 years of cake he EXPECTED me to the pick me dance again. I had enough and filed. He sat at my daughters house four weeks after DDay asking her to invite me. This was his cut off day. She said NO. Now every year on his birthday he will look across the table at the biggest fuckup of his life.

    It must be a bitch to know the times are changing. Cheating, narcissusts, abandonment, and sad sausages like you are no longer going to be tollerated. You cheated for four months and got caught. Now the consequences suck. Own it for fucks sake.

    I am joyful this month knowing the narcissist will again go into debt paying his income taxes. Last year he had to take out a loan on a credit card and he will be paying on it for YEARS. No doubt he will owe another ten to fifteen grand unless he lies.

    Find a place to live and get a job to support your lifestyle. Hey, now your single!!

    • donna and Tempest and Chump Nation…we need billboards in every city, in every state announcing:

      LEAVE A CHEATER, GAIN A LIFE! CHUMPLADY.COM
      It is possible to survive the shit storm created by your entitled spouse and live an authentic – cheater free life!

      …or something to that effect. Real help for your very real needs now!

  • If this “infidelity person” is even real, I would almost bet money she is a SAHM who was positive her OM was going to leave his wife for her and their “twu wuv.” But the OM dumped her and now she’s panicking because she has nowhere to go if her chumped husband doesn’t take her skank ass back to support her.

    I pray that her husband has already set the divorce in motion and that she is left with nothing, which is more than she deserves.

  • Cheater logic 101:

    1. Me me me me me me me me me me me me me me .
    2. I think labels are bad.
    3. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I.
    4. I am entitled to most things other people have to work for, including but not limited to second chances and all consequential chances thereof.
    5. I am not stupid.
    6. I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want, I want,
    7. I have a heart of sorts.
    8. Somehow everything I say are “I” statements. I believe this is your fault.
    9. I’m bored.
    10. I think you should see, 1-9.

  • But as is SO often quoted on other reconciliation boards, that the betrayed should give the infidelity person a “soft place to land.”

  • Nic, if you didn’t realize that cheating on your amazing husband over the course of a 4 month period may in fact, be a deal breaker and that you likely need some sort of professional mental health therapy, well, I got nothin’ for ya.

    Are all cheaters narcissists? Maybe not, but I’d bet that most are. I’d also bet that you EXPECT forgiveness and reconciliation because, well shucks, we all make mistakes… I’m here to disabuse you of the notion that you are owed anything including a pass at having a defined personality disorder.

    If you’re remorseful and you love your husband my advice is to let him go and let him find someone who won’t fuck another man behind his back and then claim to “love” him. He deserves better – let him find that and go fix whatever is broken in you so that you do no further harm in your next relationship.

  • Nic a nice quote (from Sukhraj S. Dhillon) for you and I am sure you will not understand it but let me try it

    “Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.”

  • “The affair was shit”. This sounds like justification.
    How should we interpret this statement?

    It wasn’t worth it.
    It was only four months
    He deserve it.
    If he paid attention I wouldn’t have cheated.
    I was drunk
    He said he loved me
    I thought he was my soulmate.
    It was only sex.
    Our eyes met
    I didn’t mean it

  • I will never, for the life of me, understand where cheaters get off being angry when shit goes awry. I mean, YOU’RE pissed? After blowing up someone else’s world? More entitlement and more special bunny bullshit.

    Fuck off, cheater. You suck. Trust.

    • I think that the angriest I’ve ever seen XH was when I confronted him with the evidence of his infidelity. I have read that character disordered types will use “abusive anger” to control and shut down a situation that they do not want to deal with and is not going in their favor. His level of anger was frightening and I felt that I could not even express my anger over his cheating because of his anger. I found myself voicing my concerns very calmly and diplomatically and making my arguments very logically and rationally . His normally low, deep voice was raised to a louder, higher pitch I was not familiar with as he repeatedly denied cheating with an attitude of righteous indignation, which I later read was a sign of guilt. He went textbook “DARVO”. There were the repetitive denials. There was the attack, not on my logic but on my character. According to him, I was crazy for thinking he would cheat. He could not rationally explain the evidence nor could he argue with any of my logic but was adamant he didn’t cheat. Then there was the reversing of victim and offender. When I told him that I wanted a divorce because he cheated, he said, “I want a divorce because I’m being accused of something I didn’t do.” I think that he was angry because he was caught, and the gaslighting was not having its intended effect on me. I think he was also angry because he knew this was the end of cake. I was supporting him and I was furnishing him with the car he was driving while he conducted his affair. I unknowingly enabled his affair by trusting him to drive the car when I was not with him and he repaid me with treachery. This got the car taken away from him and he didn’t have any way to see the whore. That’s why he was mad. He might have blown up my marriage but I blew up his cake.

  • As Nic said… she is “not a “narcissist” as you keep labeling people.” She just did a “greedy” thing.

    Nic is right – we are just bitter bunnies here.

    Here are some alternative labels we can use for an “infidelity person” instead of “narcissist”.

    Whore, tramp, slut, trick, con artist, defrauder, swindler, liar, loser, player, fuck-buddy, bitch, dick, asshole, cum receptacle, VD carrier, scum-bum, POS and home-wrecker.

    You are right Nic, “narcissist” is just too strong – take your Pic-Nic! Dumbass.

  • When I read this I thought to myself, ”Geez, I wish my cheater was like that.”

    I mean, there seems to be some sense of accountability and remorse here. This cheater acknowledges that what she did was wrong and that she hurt other people. I honestly wish I could receive words like this from my cheater. Is that wrong?

    All I get is blame-shifting, entitlement and threats of launching a smear campaign against me. My cheater has even threatened to file false reports to the police stating that I had sexually abused our children if I fight for custody or try to deny her alimony. Then she tells me that she might consider doing me a favor and stay with me because I am such an pathetic man that no other decent looking woman would ever have me.

    Yeah, I think I would take a self described ”asshole” over my cheater.

    • Good point. But she still sounds self entitled and not truly remorseful. If she were then she would say something like…I know I dont deserve him…what I did was unforgivable…but if he would consider giving me another chance then I would spend the rest of my life making it up to him. I cheated because I was selfish. I didnt think he would ever find out. I never meant to hurt him. It is my fault alone…that is the kind of apology she SHOULD make. Jmho

        • I know, right? …and she seemed so nice when I asked her to marry me too. Oh, why can’t she just be a regular old sausage with the sadz?

          • cuckedoff, my exwife treated me similar to yours after my 3rd DDay. The first 2 Ddays she was begging for forgiveness. In the end, if they cheat, it doesnt matter what they say or what they do.

            A one time cheater is one too many. Kick their skinny or fat asses to the curb!!

            • Yep. My cheating ex was the same way the second time I got a confessed affair. I believe it was at least his third affair. I had a second dday that he tried to convince me was a false alarm, but I believe I was right.

    • Cheaters can be cruel! Look, the shit she is saying isn’t true. The reason she needs to say it is because you might leave her if you saw the truth. That would ruin her cake and her plans to do things on her own timeline. Many women would go to great lengths to finally find a good man. You are a good man. Perhaps, you shouldn’t give your pathetic excuse for a wife any choice in getting to have a good man like you. I hope you don’t waste your loyalty and character on a verbally abusive woman who doesn’t appreciate what she has.

    • Cukedoff I believe their biggest fear is we WILL move on. Fight that bitch because behind the mask of all cheaters there is the toxic subhuman who cares not for a spouse or children. Get yourself a recording of her threats and don’t back down. Its always about USE and abUSE with all of them.

    • cuckedoff, be very careful with your cheater, look up the laws in your state and if it’s legal to record conversation and record them. Saddam set me up for a DV charge, I got it dismissed but it will always be on my record AND it made it very difficult to get a protective order after he pulled a gun on me.

    • I hope you have a really good lawyer and pray you get a just custody agreement with no alimony. Accusing you of sexually abusing your children isn’t just lying and attempting to control you through fear–actually filing a report and the consequences of it would be abuse to your children. I guess she doesn’t care that they would be subjected to questioning and may even be removed from both of your custody, depending on how Child Protective Services handles it and what they think. She doesn’t seem to have really thought all of this out, but if she has, it is clear that she will only use and abuse them this way for the rest of their lives. If you haven’t already filed for custody and divorce, please get great legal advice and do it. She is not a safe person for her own children. I hope you can get it done quickly, before she has a chance to file her fake reports.

    • Cuckedoff,
      My extended family and I have been the targets of my STBX’s numerous false allegations of child abuse (physical, sexual, etc.) as well as theft. My STBX has made these allegations in court, police stations, and child protective services offices, and IRS offices in order to gain physical custody of the kids (and avoid paying child support and other fees that he owes me). The amount of projection on the part of my STBX is scary. (I have sometimes wondered if my STBX sexually abused our children but have never accused him as I do not have proof.) I have been going to court for 1.5 years trying to defend my family and me from these allegations (so that we could retain the right to see the kids) while trying to learn to survive a series of physical, emotional, financial, and legal tsunamis over the last few years. By the way, I am a woman. Men are not the only targets of false allegations. I wish you strength in dealing with this adversity.

  • ” I had a 4-month affair, it was shit and I don’t know what made me keep going back there to this prick of a guy I was cheating on my husband with. ”

    It amazes me that people will commiserate with the CHEATER when they say stupid shit like this. Yes, my husband left me no choice except to cheat on him, but not to worry because my new boyfriend was awesome for about 4 months, but then I could not stand the “abuse”, he is a prick. I was really only deserving of a sparkly, twu lurve, type of affair, not this shit. Did I mention that I mislead my unsuspecting husband for 4 glorious months of shit from a prick. I was hurt too, can’t you see what a prick my new boyfriend was and how unfeeling my unsuspecting husband was. Sob, sob, sob, why won’t anyone pity me and my 4 abusive months with my prick of a boyfriend. See my distress. And now that big ole meanie of a husband won’t return me to my rightful place. Do you see what I have to put with. And the cheater and cheater sympathizers feel bad for the cheater. Idiots, all of them.

    • Deel – you nailed it 100% It’s just a variation of the self pity channel!

      Feel sorry for me cause now my affair ended I’m going to tell you how horrible and abusive it was so I can play the victim and try illicit sympathy!

      I fell for this to an extent in wreckonciliation because I wanted to believe my ex was a good person who didn’t know what she was doing and had been somehow lured into an abusive relationship she couldn’t escape from (and of course she spun this). But it didn’t add up.

      I still remember when I busted her back in touch with the OM again and kicked her out. She still tried to play the victim card of how he’d used her and I said “and I would care why?”. Her face fell (dead eyed stare), the crying stopped and she saw she couldn’t run this particular lie to me anymore.

      • wat700 so glad you are away from all that heart breaking drama and crazy making. So glad all of us are. 🙂

        satan didn’t even try to pretend once his affairs were exposed. He just kept right at it and basically told me I wasn’t the boss of him and he was gonna do whatever the hell he wanted to whenever he wanted to with whoever he wanted to. When he was served it just simply took the wind out of him. I will never understand that. I don’t think any of them know what the hell they want really. They just want us to take care of them and shut the hell up.

        Now that I am completely out of his life it looks like he is just going to self destruct. It is heart breaking to hear but…guess that is what he wants. Choices.

        Thank goodness for CL and CN!!!!! Helpin to make sense out of the stupidity.

      • Wat700, I don’t know if you have ever read any “other women” blogs, but almost always they want to lay all the blame for the cheating onto the man they cheated with. Disgusting. They are just poor innocent babes who were taken advantage of, like someone in a quaint Victorian novel.

        • Can’t say I’ve read them Anita but nor can I say I’m surprised. Any chance for a cheater to play the victim and not accept responsibility…

  • There was was a narc named Nic
    who went out and got her some dick.
    But when she came home,
    she was all alone,
    so she sat down a threw a fit.

    I don’t know. It just hit me from nowhere.

    • My ex wanted to leave me for the other woman but wasn’t getting around to it very fast. Seriously, he had a lawyer for a year. I finally divorced him. While waiting for the divorce to be final, she left him. He lost two women. Fast forward and he gets remarried. He has an open marriage and breaks the contract. Turns out his girlfriend broke the contract and cheated too. He lost her. He now wants his new wife back and is all upset because he’s worried he’s going to lose two women. Deja-Vous anyone? Sometimes, people don’t learn.

  • I think the concept that the cheater couldn’t grasp is that him whoring around did not make me “mad”. That implies some kind of temporary state that passes. What I felt was rage, or fury, or something of biblical proportions. When his cheating ass announced he wanted a divorce and that he had been dating a whore behind my back, I literally hated him so much I wanted the earth to part and swallow his nasty ass whole.

    My opinion of him changed completely. In one second. Never to be changed, even if I live to be a 1000. I had thought he was a decent person. Selfish, and kind of a jerk, but at least possessing basic human morals. I never could reverse that opinion of his asshole ness in my brain. Even though I did the reconciliation, due to our child, I really always hated him deep down after that. I just felt this awful hatred and rage toward him. Not on the surface all the time, but it was there. I know cheaters think you don’t forgive them, but it’s actually that you can never get past that horrible opinion. I remember after his fucking around I would just be disgusted if anyone talked about him being a good person, I was a lucky woman, blah, blah, blah. He was a joke to me. Forevermore.

    • Absolutely. You can forgive behaviors and bad decisions but you cannot unknow what you now know about the person they truly are inside. Moreover, while you CAN forgive the behaviors, it is your option not to do so which really drives them nuts!!

  • “This blog is absolute crap” is narc-speak for “This doesn’t align with me trying to fuck other people over in a quest for my eternal enlightenment and happiness, so I will try to devalue it! BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS, FOR MY NEEDS ARE ABOVE ALL! NEED MORE TIME AT THE SHRINE OF “I”!!”

    As for being given a ‘second chance to prove….blah blah fuckety blah’ – you had AMPLE OPPORTUNITY to have an honest fucking conversation with your husband, to state what you thought was an issue, seek counselling, or if everything else failed, have an amiciable divorce. Not to spread your legs for some random “prick of a guy”. But, seeing as though you think your husband is your “home and heart” and you “love him with all your heart” it shows clearly that the issues in your marriage were actually your entitlement and nutjobbery, yeah? That’s FIRMLY on you. As for the ‘sadz’ – consider that your just desserts for being a liar.

    You know damn well why you ‘went back there’ for 4 months. You are just too fucking chickenshit to admit it to anyone else, much less your GODDAMN HUSBAND – because you will lose everything. But, I’m sure you spun it as “It was shit” to your husband – who is no doubt going through mental anguish of “She fucked over my life for something she now calls ‘shit’?”

    Seriously – what did you fucking expect to happen after you unilaterally exposed your husband to diseases and a tidal wave of emotional and physical pain? Heaven forbid if you have any children – that they now know that their mother is a lying cheating whore. Oh – but I can see you’d likely play image management on that and spew out a piss-arse excuse of “We grew apart” – to satisify your image management and so you get zero consequences.

    Also – if your husband decided to take you back – how long is it before you pulled the same bullshit all over again?

    Grow the fuck up, Narc – I mean Nic. If you claim you’re oh-so-remorseful – send your husband the link to this letter of yours, and let him decide what he wants to do – without you trying to dictate terms to him and making it all about you. And then fuck off.

  • Douchebags come in both genders. Nic, you want your stuff back? That husband of yours, that life of yours, your common friends, the memories you created, your home? AIN’T LIKELY TO HAPPEN. Why??? Because you are a whore. “But it was just a four month mistake” wouldn’t fly from a six year old. So why do you expect, no, demand, a second chance? Because you missed that plane to paradise that you sacked your marriage for.

    Stupid girl, you are standing on a hot tarmac without a plane to paradise. What to do?? Go back home and whine that you never intended to leave. And expect to be met with open arms because nothing says love like “the wanker I was whoring with behind your back won’t have me anymore.”

  • I want my husband back and I want the life I had with him back.

    Translation: I don’t really care what he wants. I miss cake.

    BINGO! Not one word about what her husband wants or what she can do for him. Sadly, a spouse always has the choice to leave even when there wasn’t an affair or abuse. I think it kind of sucks that someone can turn their back on you if you were trying to be good to them. But, that’s life. It isn’t always fair. We don’t always get second chances no matter how much we feel we deserve them. If we aren’t entitled to a second chance when we’re trying to be good to our spouses, we definitely aren’t entitled to a second chance when we deeply hurt them.

  • Just…wow. I love this translation Chump Lady. It clarifies how my prick of an ex feels entitled to what he wants yet dismisses what I need. I’m so grateful for this site and Chump Nation…it’s my lifeline as I deal with his mindfuckery.

  • “Infidelity person”~~What a fucking word salad-like, misdirecting, cluster-B classic.

    Here are some non-disordered word choices:
    “Unfaithful spouse”
    “Cheater”
    “Grifter”
    “Adulterer”
    “Betrayer”

    You’re welcome.

    • My cheater told me just today that he is “not a bad person” … I told him that there are lots of labels that could be applied to a man who sneaks around and lies to his wife and has secret girlfriends over a 20 year period and he should just pick the one he prefers. Kelly, your list is more polite than mine!

      Announcement to CL and CN …. I officially told him today that I want a divorce. He has agreed that we can attempt to be civil and hold off for the 22 months until his pension vests. I expect things could get rocky off and on between now and then but it is true relief to exit limbo status. I would have eventually gotten off the fence, but the message and support from CL and everyone here has been incredibly helpful. Thankyou from the bottom of my chump heart!!

      • Congratulations, Dixie Chump! It’s not an easy decision but I can guarantee you it’s the right one. I stayed with a serial cheater for over twenty years and I am now divorced for nearly 3 years and the only thing I regret is not leaving a lot sooner. I wish CL and CN were around on my first DDay eons of years ago.

      • Dixie Chump,

        Congratulations on your pending divorce.

        Do you have to co-habitate until the pension vests? Divorces can take a loooooong time. Hope you’re safe and relatively happy.

        • Thanks for your concern, Ian. Although a bit frosty, it is safe and tolerable. For me anyway. If he finds it too unpleasant, he is welcome to leave! We are waiting to file in 22 months because it is a natural transition point when he retires. The true reason is the pension but I am trying not to draw his attention to that little factoid as it benefits me to wait, not him. But just finally expressing my true feelings on the matter has been really healthy for me.

  • Hi Dixie chump. I’m hoping over the next 22 months you are monitoring his spending. As I am sure you are aware cheaters cannot be trusted. Please be sure he is not making large purchases or getting into debt while you are waiting. The Limited had a year of planning before I knew and he used it to his advantage. Is there a way you could file as legally separated while you wait and still benefit from his pension? I pray you have discussed this with your attorney. Beware, the OW as they are greedy. Triangulation takes on a whole new meaning when your spouse has someone else interested in your assets. The other thing is to be sure you have at least contacted a few of the best attorneys in your area for a consult to ensure you have the best lawyer when the time comes.

    • Thanks, Donna. Good advice. I am the financial person in our family and he would have a hard time buying a stick of gum without me being aware of it. And there is no OW at the moment although I am keeping close tabs on that as well. At the first sign of discrepancy, I will be all over it as well as in contact with a lawyer pronto. All this hyper vigilance is really exhausting. What a waste of effort that could go to much more productive use. He wants to maintain a good relationship with his son, which I trust will keep him in line. We’ll see.

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