So, being a Texan and all, my husband loves to delight me with Ted Cruz news stories. For the record, neither of us can stand Cruz. Neither can the majority of Texans or Republicans, apparently. Lindsey Graham recently said, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”
So if you like Cruz, please skip today’s post.
Thanks to CNN’s town hall, America just got another glimpse into the waking hell that is Heidi Cruz’s daily life. Tonight’s entry into the Heidi Cruz catalogue of the macabre: A newlywed Ted Cruz celebrates by buying 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup.
What follows, chumps, is the most spectacular piece of public marital spackle ever.
Heidi Cruz, in her own words, discussing her honeymoon:
When I married Ted, we got back from our honeymoon, and he went off to the store and came home by himself. And I was completely shocked to see that he arrived back at our apartment with literally 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup. I never bought 100 of anything.
This was shocking to me, so we had a tough conversation about it. I said, “You don’t buy 100 of anything, much less canned soup. We can’t do this. I’ll be making things.” He said, “No, I know you. You won’t be making things.”
So the next morning, it was a weekend morning, I loaded up our car before he woke up and returned every single can. And when I got home, I called my mother just to make sure I’d done the right thing as a newlywed. And she emphatically disagreed with me. And so when Ted opened the pantry, I had to quickly tell him that I would go back and buy those cans again.
While you’re at it, stock up on some shit sandwiches for the pantry too, Heidi. I think you’ll be eating them for a long time to come.
A look into Life with the Disordered. Did I do something batshit crazy? Oh, hey, Heidi, you MADE me do it. I just buy a 100 cans of soup in self-defense! I’m just reacting to your broken promises to cook for me, which you won’t. Let’s not kid ourselves whose fault this is. Prove your fealty to me!
Cream of mindfuck soup, anyone?
Heidi Cruz, please, get some therapy. Your mother undermines you (and you married a freakazoid narcissist — get a shrink to help you connect those dots). And you’re spackling like a champ.
Lest you think I’m picking on poor Heidi (do I need to? Doesn’t she suffer enough waking up next to that slab of smarm every day?) I’ve spackled like that too. And I cringe now to see others spackle.
Oh no! This isn’t certifiably insane! It’s just a funny little story we like to tell now!
Are you recoiling in horror? Perhaps I’m not telling it right. I’ll work on that. Must be me…
*image by Andy Warhol