Dear Chump Lady,
I caught my boyfriend of three years cheating on me Valentine’s night. When I caught him, he said, “You’re hard to tell the truth to,” then he ran away from me. I phoned him and he asked, “Why are you calling me?” Then he proceeded to go have sex with yet a completely different woman.
In the weeks since, I have learned that he was cheating on me with five different women. (Or at least slept with five different women) in the past year and a half or so.
I feel numb. I feel stupid. I feel sad. I feel ugly. I feel lost. And I just want him back. How much bigger of a chump could I be?
When I found out, I reacted poorly and outed him in a mass email to everyone we know. He nows blames me and says we could have worked things out had I not done that.
I have bought into what he’s said and feel terrible regret for having done this. I miss him terribly and don’t know what to do.
How can I stop wanting him back and move forward towards a new life? I am stuck in pain and grief. I thought he loved me. It’s shocking. Like he was here one day and now he’s just gone.
Venessa
Dear Venessa,
Your ex-boyfriend is a serial cheater who disrespected you, risked your health by fucking around, and topped it off with egregious mindfuckery.
You sent one emotionally sloppy email blast.
Who’s the bigger idiot here?
Chumpdom is often emotionally volatile. You know what makes it more volatile still? Gaslighting. This whole bullshit that you’re the problem because you’re some kind of Teflon-truth-shield? (I can’t tell the truth to Venessa! It just slides right off her like butter!) His crap that it’s not what he DID, but your potential REACTION to it? That would send anyone around the bend.
So, in my opinion, what you were trying to do in that ill-considered email blast, was take back your power and assert some form of reality. THIS HAPPENED! OMG, THIS IS WHO HE IS!
You were reaching out for validation. And yes, to assault his lies. And yeah, probably also to punish him for being such a total ass-wipe.
There are better ways to accomplish these objectives.
Validation? Trust that he sucks. He slept with five different women that you KNOW of. You have the truth. You’re going to grieve who you thought he was, and all your hopes and future plans. The pain is a motherfucker. But you saw what you saw. That IS the truth. You don’t need to second guess yourself here, or ask for a hundred other opinions. You need to ACT on this information by PROTECTING yourself.
Assault his lies? Don’t speak truth to stupid. Your ex-boyfriend is just going to manipulate you further if you insist on explanations. He’s going to blameshift and gaslight, because that’s what disordered fuckwits do. And he’ll enjoy the kibbles of your attention.
No, instead you share your vulnerability and grief with SAFE people who care about you, not him. Get on our forums here. Find other people who’ve been through this, and learn from them. We’ve walked this path and gotten to the other side and you will too.
And in real life, you just open up to those people who have your back. The email is out there, okay, shrug it off, and move on. I hope the result is that a few people have reached out to let you know they care.
Punish him for being an ass-wipe? His punishment is being him. A creepy little fuck who plays with people’s hearts.
The real issue here is to quit punishing yourself. Stop wanting “him” back. There is no “him” that isn’t a serial cheating, lying, bullshit artist. Get ANGRY. Find your boundaries. Realize that the way he has treated you is UNACCEPTABLE and you did NOT make him this way.
You need to go total no contact for the spell to break. Also, it has the added benefit of denying him kibbles of centrality (which is the best way to hurt a narcissist).
His come-uppance is not your concern. Self-care and your own healing should be your number one priority now, not trying to untangle his skein of fuckupedness.
When I found out, I reacted poorly and outed him in a mass email to everyone we know. He nows blames me and says we could have worked things out had I not done that.
Oh yeah, the reason you broke up is because you sent an email about his serial cheating. His actually BEING a serial cheater isn’t the reason you aren’t together. It’s your pesky insistence on the truth.
Boy, imagine missing the awesome opportunity of his “love”! Maybe if you stick around and shut up, he’ll cycle through OW six-through-ten!
Work WHAT out? Those things you’re not supposed to know about? And if you did, shut up about them?
He’s a mindfuck, Venessa. Know your worth. This isn’t your fault. He’s just your average, run-of-the-mill serial cheater who deserves to be dumped.
Vanessa , I really hope that you read this. CL is so spot on. Don’t feel bad about the email. Those that get it and are your real friends will understand and support you. Those that don’t understand are not worth your time.
After letting my x come back after walking out for another woman that he knew for 8 weeks and 10 months of hell and abuse he did the same thing with another new woman.
I was so angry! White hot angry! I logged on to his facebook as him. We shared accounts. I friended everyone in his email, I mean everyone, all of his business contacts, everyone. I posted as him, “I am a lying, cheating piece of scum. I have betrayed my wife again. I have intentionally hurt the one person that should be able to trust me. I am worm slime”.
Meh. Some avoided me and some reached out. It was a lesson in who my friends are. We all do things that are a bit out of character for us when we are betrayed and abused.
This did not cause the end of your relationship. He did that all on his own. He has to find something to blame you for. That is how he justifies to himself his actions and he gets bonus points if you believe him.
Keep reading here. You will recover from this and eventually you will be grateful that he is not a part of your life.
Freedom, your Facebook post whole posing as him made me smile. Some of us wish we would have done the same, instead of being so nice and making things easier for our cheater. Thanks for the chuckle.
Bravo! Maybe it’s ill-considered, maybe not. I think it shows alot of b****!
I can’t stop regretting it. I still want him back and he’s adamant that it won’t work cause of this. I feel like a loser.
It won’t work because HE is a loser.
Please stop beating yourself up.
Just giving an update. We did get back together after this. He dumped me AGAIN about a year later over text with a picture of him having sex with some other girl – moved to NY without talking to me – then we still got back together after that and he just broke up with me AGAIN after about 11 months back together. I’m officially the CHUMP just missing him and feeling worthless like I didn’t give him enough.
You gave him more than enough. More than he deserved.
It was YOU who you are not giving enough to.
You deserve so much more than this, and so much more than him.
Try to be good to yourself.
This isn’t about him anymore. He’s opted to be in your past. Let him stay there. This is now about you, and your future, and your happiness.
You are not worthless- not by any stretch. It’s only through your dealings with him that you have come to feel that way.
Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know? He’s toxic to you. He’s sapping your energy and replacing it with negativity and a negative hold over you.
Let him go. Go no contact- and that includes looking at photos and social media.
The way you’re feeling now is a stage, a phase, and you will get through it. The less he’s in your life and in your head, the quicker you will recover. You will regain your sense of self worth. Trust me- as someone who knows and has been through it.
But it starts with no contact. Purge your home of him, then social media, fill your life with new things you like, and distract yourself of thoughts of him with other things (not rebound relationships, though).
It’s a slow journey, but you will get there.
LOL. As chumps, we usually take the high road, exhibiting class and dignity. But, every once in a while the rage and shock overwhelm and we go public. No shame in it from this chump’s pov. It was a momentary lapse with extra credit for creativity!
I HEART THIS!
No regrets. I hope you have NONE.*
*Mad that I didn’t think to do the same lololol
Vanessa — the no-contact helps tremendously!!! Every day that goes by you’ll feel better. Soon you’ll look in the mirror and smile at yourself for being so marvelous to go and dump him, and you’ll chuckle out loud at your sheer cleverness for the email blast. Also, do the following to make the next few weeks/months even sweeter — go to a therapist for victims of abuse, seriously, victims of abuse. Do it. These kind of therapists do not get moonie over reconciliation. They will tell you that the problem is in his stinking’ thinking’, for example. Talking to someone about your feelings will ramp up your swift arrival at “meh.”
Venessa-
VERY Sorry you had to go through the pain of being cheated on but you have found your way to the BEST recovery site possible. Please go through the archives and read, read, read. You will realize that you need to focus on YOU and only YOU. Who cares about what’s his name. Hopefully, he doesn’t live with you but you will come to realize how lucky you are that you didn’t marry or breed with that ass clown. Please get tested for STD’s ASAP, get a good therapist and go NO CONTACT. Yes, the pain seems unbearable but I promise in time it will subside. You will find that there is a vast amount of information and support here for you. Don’t feel bad for sending that email blast that sent your timid forest creature scurrying off into the woods-that was awesome! He’s just mad that it will put a crimp in his image management. Maybe you could use that to keep him from contacting you…….you could tell him that you will send more if he doesn’t stay away. 🙂
Consider what high levels of deceit it takes to cheat on multiple women at the same time. That’s the sort of character, Vanessa, this guy has. Or should I say, that is how bankrupt his character is.
Ha! Been there, done that!! I went a little bit further than you Venessa, I emailed all our common friends plus his mistresses family, friends and the bf that she was cheating as well. Did I go all psycho? Maybe. Do I regret? Absolutely not! That was my way to deal with my pain at that moment. I was married for 11 years, with 2 young children. He decided to leave his family for some low class woman. I suffered for a year and a half after my D-day. I cried, I was hospitalized for a week, I wished the worse for him, I fought like crazy for all my rights in court. He told everyone that I’m crazy, and that he cheated on me bc of that (idiot!!), and he couldn’t take anymore. My self-esteem went so low, that I thought I couldn’t be myself anymore. Almost 2 years passed by since the D-day, and this week is going to be a year since we signed the papers in court and I became free of his bullshit! I still have a long way to go, but one thing I can say, I’m feeling great and I’m more than happy that I don’t have to deal with his shit anymore!
Hang in there Venessa! I know it’s hard now, we all know. Better days will come, and one day you won’t remember him anymore, he’ll be nothing but your past =)
Hi Vanessa,
Yes, it hurts. And it might even hurt to read CL’s very assertively written response to your letter, but do listen. Tracy is dead right. You’ll read many more here in the comments who’ll support her articulate and her tough-love reply.
Imagine how you’d like to be treated by a loving person, that you’d consider to be your equal in a relationship. Then dump the idea of being with your ex-boyfriend. You’ve described him, and he sounds like a self-centred twat. You just don’t quite recognise it yet; you can still mostly see your idea of him.
Focus on you. What do you deserve?
Hugs xx
Before I got chumped and even really knew about a lot of the common behavior patterns that cheaters often take, I always thought it was bizarre that someone could legitimately feel justifiably mad that someone else pointed out their bad behavior – even directly to that person, in private.
They’re basically saying, “How dare you bring what I did to my attention!”. My ex was angry that I made a throwaway reddit post describing my situation right after D-Day, asking for help. She said I aired the situation to “strangers on the internet”. Is that really the straw that broke the camel’s back in our marriage? Of course not.
The sustainable solution here is not for us chumps to reduce our needs further than we already have – instead, it’s for the perpetrator to not engage in this shameful behavior in the first place. But since that line has been long since crossed, we chumps need to adjust, and NOT tolerate the behavior that forces the cheater to criticize us simply for giving them a mirror.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbw417UqsB1r1a37eo2_250.gif
😀 Thanks for that chuckle sephage!!! hehehehehehehe!!!!
Agreed Theory. Lack of accountability is high on the endless list of poor character traits of these cheaters.
When I discovered my now ex-wife’s last serial cheating excursion, I told the wife of her AP because my whore promised me she would not contact her AP anymore which turned out to be just another lie. I didn’t do this for revenge but because at that time I felt our marriage/family with 3 kids was salvageable. Dumb-ass I was. My ex-wife then said, “You crossed the big white line by telling his wife and destroying his family, you are so cruel and I want a divorce.” – I laugh at that idiocy now that I am healed.
Bitch is lucky they didn’t draw a big yellow line around the cheater’s and her dead bodies.
OMG-THIS!!!!
“Bitch is lucky they didn’t draw a big yellow line around the cheater’s and her dead bodies”
Total coffee spray out of my nose this morning!!
I love your sharp wit Ian…….
CL – “His punishment is being him.” So true, especially given how much cheaters suck.
Venessa – You are in the middle of a detox from a manipulative gaslighting scumbag. The only way to get over him is go No Contact, one day at a time, rely on your friends and CN, and keep forging on to Meh, we’ve got your back!
Ian – Your comment made my day, thank you :)!
Ok-first of all, thank you! Ya’ll crack me up and really help me see I am not alone ? I won’t go into details, but my Ass-Hat of a husband is a Narcissist, compulsive liar, alcoholic, recreational cocaine sniffer with a taste for internet escort prostitutes. He is a successfull businessman so he can afford his “hobbies”. I knew about mistresses early in our marriage, and he eventually gave them up because as he put it: “logistical difficulties”. He swears his undying love, etc etc, and I thought he had actually turned a corner, but last April I found out about the escorts. I went from hurt to totally pissed off . My inner circle of friends (not family) know and they are supporting me as long as they see that I am aware of my reality, stick to my plan and honor my exit time frame. I have literally invested everything I have and am not going to leave until I get every cent back and then some. We have grown kids, so this plan of mine is part therapy/part hobby right now and it feels good that he thinks I am ignorant. Opposite is true A**hole!! I am now the boss in the family and I know his every move. And when I leave I will have NO CONTACT!! That will kill him because his narcissism thrives on attention. I also intend to throw a going away party: using HIS money I am inviting (hiring) a handful of the escorts he has actually screwed, laying out a full bar including lines of cocaine (I don’t do drugs, but of course I know where his stash is) I am having the party catered from his favorite restaurant $$$ and he will be the guest of honor. He will be blindfolded and tied with silk scarves to a chair…his whores will dance and pleasure him..and he will be alone at this “party” with his 3 favorite things Booze Whores and Cocaine. And I just might forget to turn off the CC cameras…I am looking forward to the future, though I have a feeling my next partner had better have a firm grip on the term “transparency”. ?? Thank you Chumps, from a fellow Chump in Transition!!!
Wow Dolce! I wish I’d had you around to plan my exit!!! satan would be in a straight jacket he’d of been so blind sided!!! Wow!!!! You ROCK GIRL!!!! Go on with your bad self!!!! Hehehehehe!!!! I hope you share that video!!!!!
Hee hee, thanks Jeep ? It is true that money cannot buy happiness; though our money is gonna go a long way in schooling him (if only momentarily) that this world is round and the shit you send out into the world will come flying back and hit you in the head! The best part? I will have an iron-clad alibi; I won’t even be in the country when it goes down, everything being set up via paypal and a hired party hostess/escort who will never know who hired her will lead the festivities. The video will be on live feed and I will record it from where I am. I have never been vengeful or wished ill on anyone. This hit me so hard because of my own past; I have survived molestation and rape in childhood, an abusive first husband and I am a recovering cheater myself. That I worked (and still work) every day with living honestly and with integrity…I forgave SO much of my husband’s crap BECAUSE I had been in a similar place-I wanted to believe he could also change and I thought he had started…the universe has obviously decided to teach me once and for all how absolutely horrible it is to cheat. I had my own revelation (and lots of expensive therapy) to realize that my cheating (mostly emotional with sexting, emails, etc, but still cheating-I know ?) my cheating had nothing to do with the men I had cheated on and EVERYTHING to do with my own low self esteem and self image. Fortunately, the men I was in relationships with never uncovered my cheating-and I was usually out the door before they could have. I was a runner… I love my husband and really thought that we had it all, so much in common-but I have now realized that he is a truly different animal than I am. He lacks any empathy or remorse…and it is obvious that his self-hatred and non existent self-control are going to be the death of him. He has had 3 aneurisms, is very overweight, high blood pressure, heart murmur and has just been diagnosed with a degenerative kidney disease. He will end up on a kidney transplant list in 10-15 years as well as dialysis. He is in denial about all this and because of self-control issues, continues to tempt fate. I don’t want to be around for his slow suicide. I am still young enough to get more out of life than the horrors he is offering me. ?
Wow Dolce! You really are mighty! Way to change your life for the better all the way around! Keep fighting the good fight!
Yes, narcs will screw your head around till it all but comes off. I didn’t think I would survive satan. 🙁 Here on the other side of that horror the sun is shining and I am dancing. 🙂
Ian, so true and so funny! I think my “bitch” said “big white line” because I found out after dday that she was an in the closet coke-head also.
SureChumpedAlot,
Oh, dear. Of course she was a coke-whore. Way to keep it trashy former-lady cheater. (And I can count the number of times I’ve used “bitch” in the last 10 years on one hand. But c’mon, right?) Glad you made it SureChumpedAlot.
Thanks Ian. Your going to make it too. Your time is gonna come. Shit, every chumps time is gonna come. Even the cheaters time is gonna come.
Led Zepellin tune explains it all – “Your time is gonna come.” Great lyrics.
My dad’s hobby was a dog breeder. A bitch is a female dog and I knew from a very young age what he meant by a “bitch-in-heat.” I was again reminded of the term on d-day. I would have to say that you’re totally appropriate and technically accurate. No one can fault you for just being honest.
Ian 😀
Oh hahahahaha Ian, that’s hilarious!
“They’re basically saying, “How dare you bring what I did to my attention!”. My ex was angry that I made a throwaway reddit post describing my situation right after D-Day, asking for help. She said I aired the situation to “strangers on the internet”.”
Just like my cheater wife, I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that your ex was in a facebook/reddit/pintrest/whatever social hookup site fuckbuddy site bragging to a bunch of strangers about how stupid you were and how much naughty fun she was having with everyone else.
It just leads me to believe these narcissistic fuckwits have an irony deficiency.
Lol. There’s no vitamin to take for an Irony deficit. 🙂
Exactly!!! If I had to hear one more time “what I did may not have been right but how you reacted to it is was the real problem” I would have thrown his favorite cast iron skillet at his head. (Of course, he would have then used that reaction as being a problem as well). I never posted anything on line even. Friends and even his siblings asked me what was going on with him and the babysitter cuz he would always stare at her and act way too “close” to her. All I did was tell them the truth when they asked.
Or “this is the real problem…..I can’t talk to you…..you’re irrational,” like you’re some kinda crazy lady for crying when you find out the “love of your life” is the love of many lives….
I got the “of, it’s your fault” shite after I told the OM’s W. I initially didn’t tell the OM W but then came D Day 2 (after I had told the WS and the OM I would tell the OM W if they didn’t stop contact with each other). I also told the WS to block the OM and OM W from FB. The WS refused. The OM W has told the WS’s mother (she found her on my WS’s FB page) and threatened all sorts of other stuff. All the OM W appears to want is a statement the affair is over, but neither of them will give her that (they just say nothing – which is cruel, knowing either way is far kinder),
Anyway, after being bombarded by the OM W, the WS then bombarded me, telling me it was all my fault, it was now outside the WS’s control and I should “take responsibility for once”. I laughed before telling her (for the first time since I have known her) to “fuck off”. She has taken no responsibility for her affair and the only reason the OM W is giving her shit is because of the affair. Which I accept zero responsibility for.
FSTL – I’m sending you a virtual high five for standing up to your cheater.
Their warp logic is astounding isn’t it? Mine went nuts when I told our friends and colleagues that I divorced him because of his adultery.
He asked me how I dared vilifying him? I responded that his actions simply spoke for themselves and went back to NC.
The real reason he is mad about the email has nothing to do with you. It’s all about his reputation. Cheaters don’t like exposure because even though most people won’t care, there’s probably a few potential future girlfriends who will be on the lookout against his cheating. Just imagine how things would have been different for you if you had known his true nature three years ago.
Truth. It is amazing how many cheaters love to wear the victim role. OW stalked me and my family for years, even after X and I split and he dumped her. When I finally had enough (after she showed up at one of my daughter’s school functions) I took very firm and no nonsense steps to out her to her church friends. All of a sudden, she was afraid of me! I was told this bit of irony in very solemn terms by her pastor. Boy, was he surprised when I responded that she better be and that I no longer intended to put up with her crazy shit for another second! She continued to play the victim, but I cared not one bit and she no longer overtly harassed my kids. She is still out there playing Joan of Arc , but literally no one cares. Crazy is as crazy does.
For the record — I don’t advise email blasting ANYONE after discovery. It just solidifies the cheater’s narrative that you’re a batshit crazy jealous loon. The proper approach is no contact and working towards meh (a long hard journey). Also, these things can be used against you in court.
Of course chumps need support and validation. That’s best done IMO in a shrink’s office, on an online forum like CN, or among your closest friends and family.
If you got sloppy? Okay, so live and learn. It’s a volatile time. Most of us weren’t in our right heads for months after finding out. Forgive yourself. It happens. It’s NOT a sin on par with serial cheating.
It actually cannot be used against you in court. The truth is an absolute defense to libel. The ow in my case had a lawyer send a threatening letter because I told her parents and some of her friends via email or private Facebook message.
Honestly, telling people is justice and I would highly recommend it. I’ll be honest that my goal was to break them up (and it worked) but not for me, but so that disgusting Trollop would never be by daughter’s step mother (or more likely her temporary father’s step-girlfriend). This was the most important thing to me–to make sure the truth was out these and to make sure she was never around my kind. It was amazing how quickly they threw each other the bus when they had to deal with the truth publicly.
I don’t think it reinforces the cheater narrative at all. Ok, so a known cheater says your crazy…basically nobody believes them.
Consult a lawyer regarding defamation in your country Chumps.
Two words: Hulk Hogan.
Defamation suits are easy to threaten, harder to bring, and even harder to win.
That said, I wholeheartedly recommend keeping the stiff upper lip in this situation. I, too, had a great urge to out the ex. I talked about it with a friend and successfully resisted. I think if I had done the things I had been planning, looking back on it now I would be embarrassed, and I would have handed ex ammunition tailor-made to fit into his narrative that I was mentally ill and pathetic. It’s enough for me now to trust that he sucks. People who care about me get it and the rest don’t matter.
Well, I outted XH and whore to his parents and family. Sent chronology of the affair. XH’s sister-in-law sent me a pic she snapped of them while they were at their first Thanksgiving at my newly ex’d inlaws (less than 3 weeks from our divorce). I texted XH that he just confirmed that he’d been having an affair with this whore (he had been selling the “just a friend” narrative to family). Anyway, whore read every text message where I let him know what I thought of the two of them and then I told them that his entire family knows you brought a whore home for the holidays and told them about the proof I sent to his family.
When they got home, she filed an Injunction Against Harassment against me. He filed an Order of Protection. I was told to turn in my guns to the sheriff (1. I never threatened either of them – ever!. 2. I didn’t own any guns – but it stung to have my 2nd Amendment right revoked without due process!). Also, I’m in a criminal database, without committing or being convicted of a crime. I wanted to fight it, but my attorney recommended getting an attorney that has handled capitol convictions as it is virtually impossible to overturn a restraining order in my state! Keep away from the lunatics. This whore stalked me before bomb drop and still cyber stalks me to this day (and yes, she won her “prize” – they are married to each other). You really play with fire when you engage with these nut jobs. If they were sane, would they knowingly sleep with someone else’s spouse?!
Ok, point taken. This is really crazy. You didn’t actually “harass” them at all. In fact, you didn’t contact her. It’s quite crazy that they can take this that far if there is no threat and especially if there is no contract.
The OW in my case had a lawyer send me a letter that went promptly into a circular file. He also called me to which I said, “this isn’t libel and I never harassed this woman or her friends and family. Contacting them once to tell them about her affair with my husband does not constitute harassment (which is “ongoing contact with no purpose but to harass.”), so NEVER contact me again. And that was that.
I agree with Ian to check local libel laws, especially out of the US. I know they are more lenient in Europe. But basically in the US, true speech is free speech.
I did actually contact her once while we were still married. Like a moron, I left a message. At first, I started out being nice, but bordered on begging for my husband. I switched tone and I told her she didn’t need a problem like me – I also called her a whore. She recorded the message. So, harassment is s a series of incidents. I contacted her once. My point is, these people live for the drama. If I were her, I would have taken it on the chin and did my best to lay low, but she used it as an opportunity to make me look like the abuser. All you need to do is open the door a crack and some wing nut will use it as an opportunity to continually kick you while you are down. They do. not. care. It’s the hardest thing ever to sit by and watch someone that has helped dismantled your marriage walk away with no consequences. But, that’s exactly what we have to do.
Oh yeah, I agree. Once and then stop. Don’t keep the drama going at all. Tell the truth and then walk away. I’m glad it caused them to fall apart (albeit several months later) and I also moved 500 miles away with my kiddo to keep her away from them. Her dad now visits her twice a month, but I expect that to fizzle to nothing again when he finds his next victim.
In hindsight, I wouldn’t have done it at all. It is what it is and I can’t take it back (not that she’s not deserving of the bad press and she is definitely befitting the title whore). I’d just let the consequences of their horrible decisions cause their own problems in due time. No need to help karma along. When I was flipping out over the revelation of his adultery, my friend would tell me that “All will be known in time.”. I really think that it’s the truth, but we all seek justice. So very hard to go through this stuff.
Oh, but Cindy, she DOES have a consequence. For better or worse, she’s married to it…
I’m with PigletWiglet here. I spent 5 years being cheated on. The last years I hid it from my family and friends. I was ashamed to tell my family and most friends distanced themselves from me if not altogether left. They did not comprehend what it was like to be with a covert narcissist and they were tired of the jaw dropping treatment I put up with. It was the opposite of how they saw me, a strong, ambitious go getter.
So when we broke up for the last time I shouted it from the roof tops. I sent his closest friends the last OW’s (280lb 5’3″ sugar mamma) pic and told them this is what he left me for, her, free trips and room and board, even employment with her. All those fb and IG selfie pics he posted in Hawaii and Vegas while with her on his sugar mammas dime, and all the while holding himself out to be a self made “baller” (his words) in his social media. I couldn’t resist. He has a Huge ego, is a bodybuilder, and I humiliated him big time. And he should be ashamed. He is using her as well, she is far from the super models he claims to date and the opposite of me. But I bet she makes him feel like a god and then throws hundreds at him.
I blasted him mostly for me not just to shame him. To boldly break my silence. And I knew he would have to do his own back flips in his mind to ever want to come back to me for more kibbles. But I know he will still try.
“It’s a volatile time. Most of us weren’t in our right heads for months after finding out.” Yep, that’s how I ended up with this ridiculous screen name. I am neither free from my cheater yet, nor am I particularly vixen-like. But in the weeks after D-day when I started reading here, the only things I could wrap my head around were my desire to be free of my new reality and my dispair at feeling wholly discarded and undesirable. So I picket the antithesis of my two strongest emotions and picked Free Vixen to represent who I wanted to be. My post-D-day self was an absolute wreck, but you were right all along, Chump Nation; I came out the either end of it!
What do you think about posting on Facebook: “We are in a year of separation” (required by our religion for divorce).
Just my opinion but the less said on social media the better. I kept up with FB but used it mostly to stay connected to a community that did NOT know about Jackass and the infidelity. I found that very helpful. It was a place I could practice being sane and in control when I felt like I was neither.
I announced we were divorcing on FB to stop questions concerning the where abouts of ex at social events. I left it up for a day, received many messages, and it was done.I was relieved.
Most of us were not in our right minds months BEFORE d-day from all of the gaslighting, blame shifting etc.
Yep. It takes time to get out of that fog.
I hired a PI, I got the proof and still could not believe my eyes. Mr Decent was nothing more than a mask. Underneath, a passive aggressive psychopath.
Now, 4 months after discovery, despite the hardship and the gloom, it feels better without him. Feels so much better to not be Sisif. I accomplished things, all by myself. Before, all effort was spent on his resistance. Pfew! Glad he’s gone! Now I can actually live a bit.
WHY is it that We are supposed to accept all their excuses for cheating? I was drunk, I had temporary insanity, I was just trying to be nice she needed me, it’s your fault you didn’t pay attention to me… And the list goes on and on like a needle stuck on a record! But as soon as We react we get labeled for being nuts! We have probably all done things that are childish in the face of betrayal,BUT the shock and hurt is so devastating Emotions take over, not rational thinking! Too bad. Don’t Cheat !! THINK BEFORE YOU DAMAGE So MANY LIVES and we will give you the same curtesy!!!
It’s amazing how powerful we chumps are, isn’t it? (Sarcasm alert.) I mean, we have the power to completely control the cheaters’ actions just by being alive. Poor helpless little babies are simply too weak to make any choices on their own.
They don’t want to work super hard to carefully sneak around and ensure they aren’t caught, or to tell elaborate lies, or to get off on getting away with it… heck, they don’t even want to have sex at all, including with us! But we MAKE them do it all when we do things like take care of our homes, kids, and finances, hold them accountable as adults, and even shower! Then we DARE to tell someone about the things they have done? Shocking.
Poor helpless babies. We should be pureeing their food and switching out all of their underwear for Depends.
Hey Ami! Maybe you can fill in for CL when she is off to the Book Launch in May! Love your snark!
Yep, we ARE powerful!
ForgeOn, Girl……..
Ha, ForgeOn! Thanks! I am having a snark-fest lately, and channeling a little CL is always helpful. 🙂
Glad we can be mighty together. Wahoo!
I found out on Valentine’s Day that I had herpes. Nice. Navigated through life without an STD until age 48 & my cheater returned home after I threw him out for his spending addiction & then insisted he return so I could care for him ( life-threatening health issue) & his son. I wasn’t to learn he was a serial cheater for 7 more years.
The “him” I want back is only the fantasy he created for me & I wanted to believe. He has been gone for 5 years, but I have to still see him every day at work. I have good days & bad ones, but it is increasingly better over time. Emotionally he will surely slay me if I don’t stay on my recovery path.
Chump Lady is one of the most loving humans I have ever come across. Truth is love. God bless you on your journey & stay close to her & us!!!
PaigeUp… do you ever think of looking for employment elsewhere? Think how much farther and faster your recovery could go without seeing him every day.
And, sorry about the Herpes… but do know that a GF of mine had a similar situation… went on to meet a great guy who understood and they’re married now and have a daughter!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
CL already said this but I think it’s worth repeating.
Venessa, you said you wanted him back. Who you really want back is the person you thought he was. He is not that person and he will never be that person again. You have seen who he really is and it’s not easy to believe. Trust that is who he really is and go no contact.
And remember, especially when dealing with these personality disordered fuckwits, once you have seen behind the mask and acknowledged they are a cheater… and they know you will never gaze at them in that same “loving” way… they will never truly want you back… they respect you even less because now they know you will ACCEPT their cheating… and they’ll only seek to devalue and debase you more.
Be glad you were given this information before you married and bred with him.
It doesn’t feel like it yet, but it is a blessing in disguise. Give yourself time and distance. I hated this sentence 18 months ago, but I get it now.
Blessings.
I’m divorced years now and STILL fantasize on occasion about blasting my ex in a public way. Don’t be too hard on yourself and please do not buy into the utter garbage that your boyfriend is selling about how you could have worked it out.
By the time I learned my cheater was of the “serial” variety, he was dead and I couldn’t out him the way I would have if he were alive. If he had left for Susan of Seattle, I would have sent out a Christmas letter that would have curled peoples hair…scorched earth was my plan.
I regret not outing him when I had the chance, but its too late now. My friends know the truth…chatted with a coworker on way to car today…she complemented my coat…deadcheater worked for a very pre$tigious coat company and I have piles of the shit. I told her what I suffered through to get this fucking coat.
But alas, now Im living a fabulous life never mentioning missing him, like ever, people likely think Im either very resilient or a f-ing bitch.
Boy, oh boy…I don’t believe anybody who has been lied to, cheated on, devalued, and discarded by a fucktard narcissist should ever feel bad for exposing the truth—especially when the cheater tries to project his flaws on to the person he betrayed. My XH actually had the nerve to try and tell his parents and our mutual friends I was the one who was cheating! 17 months later, still no new man in my life yet he was involved with his coworker not even a month and a half after he left. The same woman I found out he was secretly “talking” to. I informed his parents, friends, and really anyone who would listen about what really transpired and I’m glad I did so. I’d rather be armed with honesty than deceit. Thankfully, nobody bought into his bs story cause they know my character and something wasn’t adding up!
Now, I get to talk to the courts about his claim that I am an unfit mother! It’s amazing how he always told me throughout our 11 1/2 year Union what an amazing mother I was. Now apparently he thinks I’m shit! Oh well…I just have to look at the source and know he’s full of shit!
I do think it’s a good idea to tell people, individually and calmly, the reason for your breakup as soon as possible after ducks are lined up. Cheaters are adept at controlling the narrative, and it will tend toward either “We grew apart,” or “Chump was awful, I had to leave/cheat.” This adds a whole ‘nother level of mindfuckery to the infidelity, as a chump is forced to defend him/herself from charges that he/she brought on the divorce. Warning: Some people are going to buy the cheater narrative even if they know the truth, While painful, this does have the added benefit of helping you sort wheat from chaff after a breakup or divorce.
It’s not libel nor slander if it’s true, so stick to the facts: “I caught Whorace/Flwhorence coming out of a hotel room with another wo/man.” or “I found her/his credit card receipts for a cruise s/he took with a boy/girlfriend while I was helping our son recuperate from surgery.”
Yes. Rather than all that drama just ignore them. Don’t make them the centre of your life make them an irrelevance IN your life.
P. S. He told me, when I found out about one girlfriend, that he couldn’t tell me about his “friend” because I wouldn’t have liked it. It is always your fault, my fault. And we want to believe that because then we can somehow fix it if we have the control. This was my illusion. The reality is I can only control myself.
This is the “new normal.” It sucks, but what sucks worse is dying to the lie.
The final nail in the coffin to my marriage was when Hannibal refused to tell me the first name of the student he had slept with 8 years prior because apparently as a student, she had “privacy” rights. I wanted her first name, not her GRE scores.
At that instant, I had already filed, and handed him the papers to submit. Done. Over.
If your spouse is a cheater there is no going back. Found out the hard wat. Almost thirty years shot to hell. But I got my kids and sime family of his and friends out of it. Fuck him fuck his whore fuck her family. Run girl the oain is nit worth it. They are never really sorry onky sorry they git “caught”. And kibbles supply cut by hald. FUCK THEM ALL!!
No Contact
No Contact
No Contact
No Contact is the path to the truth and the light! It sounds contrary but the truth is you find out more of the truth by not talking to them. The truth is there, right there in front of you, and after the toxins of blame shifting, gaslighting and mind fuckery leach out of your system you will see it. The only way to get there is No Contact.
No contact is essential. If you can no longer hear the lies spewing from the tar pit they call a mouth, then you begin to think and remember. You can’t help but relive moments in your relationship. 27 years has given me a lot of moments to relive. I would be getting another cup of coffee in my peaceful, quiet kitchen when suddenly I would remember another thing he did that did add up to what he said, “Motherfucker!” They don’t want no contact because that gives you time to process and no cheater wants their chump to process who they are.
Soooo true about NO CONTACT. Years after dday and my subsequent divorce I wasn’t ever fully NO CONTACT (I have 3 kids). Because of that – MEH at best was transitory. It wasn’t until I went full NO CONTACT (I still have 3 kids) that MEH was and is consistent to this day.
Of course there were hundreds of other self-love objectives that need to be accomplished but without the ingredient of NO CONTACT your MEH at best will only be short-lived.
You want him back?! He’s gonna keep cheating on you, gaslighting you, and “not telling the truth” aka lying to you.
Sooo…….still want him back?
My ex did something similar, I found out he was cheating on me when I was pregnant so I threw him out of my house. Nearly two years down the line he still insists that I was the one in the wrong and we broke up because I made him homeless, he couldn’t take me back after I did that –
Hmmmmmm ok!!!
He’s still with the other woman but he tells everyone they got together after we broke up, except I told everyone he knows that he was cheating on me at the time – so no-one believes him. Of course I am to blame for that too, it was me that makes people think he’s a liar, not his lies
I’m glad that I told everyone about him, you probably will too once the dust settles. The reason your regretting it is because your buying into his gaslighting that you’re the one to blame. Go no contact as soon as possible.
Venessa,
There is one truth that is almost universal with cheaters: they will lie, and lie, and then lie some more. They will keep lying, hoping some shred of their narrative will take hold, cause a tiny bit of doubt. Their only hope is that by continuing to feed you their lying version of the truth you’ll lose the real truth.
Here is what you can trust: if you somehow managed to get him back, he will cheat on you again. You will prove to him that your standards are so low that you will accept a scumbag as a partner. Do you really want THAT life back?
He says you could have worked it out if it weren’t for sending that email? Your answer should be, “No, I could never have worked it out to accept a parade of other women in your life and your bed. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you.”
Take care of yourself, and remember that the life you had with him, what you thought it was… it wasn’t the truth of who he really is.
((hugs))
yes, and they even lie about their lies. cheater told me that he had been f’ing the one I caught him with for 6 years. Later he said he’d only been with her for a year and there was another one he’d been with for 8 years. I think he was trying to protect the longer term one for some warped reason – not like it mattered by the time he fessed up to her because I already knew he was a serial cheater. Perhaps they confuse themselves with their lies or they lie about their lies to confuse us even more. Who knows.
They get to where they start to believe their own gas lighting after awhile. It’s almost comical.
During wreckconcilation, I asked for the fourth time since DDay, “What exactly DID you tell her about me, about us.” This was minutes after he was waxing poetic about our bright new future, where he was going to “live in the truth” and “finally be the man you always wanted me to be”.
He stared at me for about thirty long seconds, and finally asked, “What did I SAY I said?” It was a genuine question, not sarcasm. Ha ha ha ha!
One of the biggest sources of humiliation since I learned the BIG TRUTH of his serial cheating is that I really truly believed that I could tell if my husband were lying to me…I told my friends that I could “read him like a book”…oh how awfully, painfully wrong I was – he shoveled buckets of shit my way for years and I ate it with a spoon. I was chumped to an absolute, profound, unbelievable degree.
Hey Venessa, First topic: Those cheating people are not ‘men’ or ‘women’. I refer to them as ‘that female’ or ‘girl’ or ‘guy’.or “pig’ or______ You get the picture….See, a real man or woman does not conduct themselves in this manner. Kind of helps work through this process to put that into perspective. & use a different term for them…….Real men & real women stay in their own bed!
Also, if cheaterpants had wanted you to speak well of him, he should have behaved better! Each person’s reputation & behavior is of their own creation. We really have NO part in what another person’s reputation or conduct is, regardless of the poop they shout at us.
(….and I do agree totally with Tracy & Tempest’s comments: Keep it calm, in person, to select few & stick to the facts. But, never try to ‘protect’ the cheater by lying about what they have done! ‘Sing’ when it is appropriate!Truth is like a Lion. It can take care of itself)
Another big ‘plus’ for you: You never married the lying piece of filth! So, run far and fast….NOW! As ‘AllOut’ emphasized——- NO CONTACT!
Now, lace up those sneakers and RUN!!! Forge on all….ForgeOn!!!!
My preference is pod people. They are even good enough to be called sub human.
Am adding that to my list of ‘terms’ to use…..Thanks kar marie!
They’re all the same, Venessa. I caught my ex the first time going to visit his barely-legal gas station cashier gf on his lunch break. I burst into hysterical tears and asked the rhetorical “how could you hurt me?”, to which he responded, “You did this to yourself.” The implication was that if I had not been paying attention (i.e. spying), I would never have been hurt because I wouldn’t have known for sure that he was a lying sack of asshole.
What ?????!!!!!!!!!
Ugggh! I would like to see your cheater in front of judge to see if his childish lack of accountability works then.
I got the, “I’m just doing to you what you’ve been doing to me for months…” Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’d been planning a wedding and loving you with everything in me, not fucking around on you with some co-worker slag.
There really is no point paying attention to whatever semantics spill out of their mouth. It’s either (a) designed to get them out of trouble; (b) blameshift, or (c) logorrhea to see if they can distract you from their true character. Cheaterspeech is best viewed clinically: “Hmmm, very interesting that he/she said that.”
Yes I was to hard to tell the truth to as well. So much better after 27 years to hurt me every day call me nasty names and be mean. After all the years of his kindness and never calling me a name ever except teasing or in bed I got it full blast. Blamed for shit I never said or did. He believed that effing whore after only a month of knowing that bitch over me. She lies and cheats to get her way and plays games. I do not. Never have never will. Now when he knows my leaving and no contact is fastly approaching hes nice and kind. Hes been that way for quite awhile now. Im indifferent to him. He hates it. Wants me to move close so I can be as someone here pointed out to me his plan b. Not gonna happen. Im playing nice til the final day and then goodbye motherfucker. She wants him to have absolutely nothing to do with me. No texts no phone calls no nothing. She wants him to erase me from his memory. Doesnt even want him to have anything to do with me even concerning our children. They did not jump on her side and call her mom so she can care less about them. She only pretends about them to please him. The kids only deal with her to see dad and thats waning they have his number. Its sad so sad. The destruction caused by idiot entitled assholes. Hurts so many beyond cheater he/she whore and the spouses. I dont wish asswipe dead or sick but I do wish him the worst of life. They both suck. Shes got a known cheater cheating on her now and he has a convining bitch who will stop at nothing and hurt anybody to get what she wants. They truly deserve each other. The best revenge is living well and I intend to. Shes has him under the microscope and for an big alpha male like him its wont last long. They have broken up three times so far. Me I will stay single and be beholding to no one and for the first time in 60 years do for me. Him hes doomed I have a live and let live ideal. I would never try to change or upgrade someone and I dont want it done to me. Fair and equal partner ship. He wanted the same not any more he wants complete and total control and in the beginning of his torrid whore juice affair he had that. Now sghe rules the roost. Leopards never change their spots. Hope they both get exactly what they deserve. Hes under the impression we will still be great friends on the sly. Let him keep thinking that. Stupid motherfucker.
Read this book. And one last thing. Molly Harper. It’s right up your alley.
The Titanic was an incredible ship, glamorous, powerful, and ostensibly beautiful inside and out. But knowing what we do now, do you think anyone wants to get back on that ship and give it another try? Nope. It’s flaws might have been hard to spot, but they were fatal. We can mourn the grandeur and potential of the Titanic, but we DO NOT climb back aboard.
There’s a hole in the boat Venessa!
At least the Titanic had a band.
IMO cheaters should be outed. Why should they get to abuse chump after chump after chump?
Because they can – Using chump-trust for their personal gain makes them despicable leaches. I hate leaches.
I’m all for telling the truth. That’s different that an email blast to everyone that could come off as spiteful or unhinged. I have terrific sympathy for chumps after D-Day, but I’m about using your HEAD to PROTECT yourself.
Don’t engage with fuckwits. Go no contact.
Tell the people who matter to YOU. The truth will get out. The people who need convincing or don’t believe you? They aren’t your friends.
So true. One set of (former) friends has bought my X’s bullshit about “just one eensy, weensy affair 8 years ago,” even though the woman of the pair knows I have physical evidence to prove otherwise (more affairs, Ashley Madison account, etc.). But she doesn’t want to look at it (too unpleasant, donchaknow). They’ve also bought X’s nonsense that “marital problems drove me to cheat.”
Now off my friend list. I will never defend myself to anyone ever again, nor will I allow myself to feel invalidated after the trauma of infidelity.
I outted my cheater on fb and tagged him. What’s that saying-something like if you wanted people to talk kindly about you, you should’ve behaved better
The very first thing you have to do is go No Contact. You will need time to flick that switch of loving him. You are in shock and you are hurt to the core. You need to step back and outside of this for a bit to get yourself in the condition to protect yourself. Trust everyone here that the only way to do this is to go NC. It will be hard like withdrawal from a powerful drug, but you will see all the same you mind clear and the continued hurts out of the way to nurse yourself back from existing to older hurts.
NC, eat, sleep and take good care of you is the first first phase of many phases you are going to have to work through to get through.
11 Reasons NOT to take a Cheater Back (copied from http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159339/10_reasons_not_to_take)
1. The relationship will never be the same.
While it’s true that some people say a relationship actually improves after cheating, we should face that usually it does not. That sense of freedom, of trust, of respect is gone for awhile and may never come back.
2. You don’t have to worry about it happening again.
Cheaters don’t always cheat again, but there’s a decent chance he might. Why? Whatever made him cheat is probably still in his psyche unless he is seriously working on all of his issues. Because he had a choice to cheat. You didn’t make him do it (no matter what he says). Some studies even say there’s a cheating gene. I don’t believe once a cheat, always a cheat, but I definitely believe once a cheat, good chance of being a cheat.
3. You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable.
If your children see you leave a cheater, they learn that this is something that destroys relationships and is unacceptable. Which doesn’t guarantee they won’t ever do it or put up with it, but they will realize it has severe consequences.
4. You’ll save on therapy bills. Because, believe me, you are going to need them now that you’ve decided to stay with someone who strayed.
5. You’ll feel safer.
Not knowing if your man is going to cheat means never quite knowing when you might pick up a venereal disease.
6. You get to keep your self-respect.
If you want to stay with a cheater, you should get to do that and not be judged. But, let’s face it, your self-respect is going to take a huge hit for awhile. Especially if the affair is ongoing, or the cheating is chronic, how do you respect yourself staying with a man who can’t or won’t value you?
7. Things can only get better.
When you stay in a relationship with a cheater who makes little or no effort to change, things can only get worse. When you leave, things can only get better.
8. You’re not taking the “easy” way out.
It’s as difficult, if not more difficult, to leave a relationship, even a bad one, than it is to stay in one. You’re not the one giving up on the relationship, he gave up when he cheated.
9. You need a partner, not a child.
It’s not up to you to “save” him, “teach him” right from wrong, or “help” him get over his cheating habit. He’s an adult and should have done that for himself.
10. You deserve better.
Believe it or not, there are men and women who do not cheat and will not cheat, and you deserve one of them.
11. You don’t need any reason at all.
Thanks, this is awesome! 🙂
Try this one too (shameless plus for article I wrote on DivorcedMoms) http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/9-reasons-staying-with-a-cheater-is-worse-than-being-alone
Excellent! I wish everyone could read your article within 24 hours of D-day.
Great read! Plaster it all over the internet! Cheating is not acceptable.
Everything in here is true. What really struck me is #5, “You’ll feel safer.” I know I’m probably not the only one, and it may have not had anything to do with V.D., but my sense of safety was shattered. I couldn’t put my finger on it, through D-day #1, but until D-day #2 and for about six month after I was done, he moved out, paperwork for divorce filed, etc. I just did not feel safe. He was never physically or verbally abusive, but I was terrified that he would just show up. I not only double checked every exterior lock, but I started locking my bedroom door and did other weird things to protect my space. It was the strangest feeling to just feel physically vulnerable as if I was walking down a deserted alley and waiting for someone to jump out at me. And I am very use to being put in unsafe situation in my job, but this was something I still find hard to comprehend or put into words and still unnerving to think about.
Me too Anne…I didn’t feel safe in the world at all. It was crippling. I put furniture against doors for months. I was so happy that my Beau was with me and alerted to even the slightest sound.
I agree – a dog is the best defense for hearing odd things in the middle of the night. I was thankful I had 4 great danes around me in my bedroom, two on the bed, that could hear any noises. They helped me get thru that scary time until I got all the locks changed. DOGS ROCK! For defense. (and, interestingly enough, even the odd cat)
Four great danes!!! Hehehehehe! satan would’ve wet his pants! What a great line of defense! 🙂
Jeep & Shechump,
I used furniture too. And my three dogs. It felt very odd to just not feel safe. I wonder if chump men feel unsafe as well? Maybe it comes from wondering who this person is that you thought you knew but you don’t and you let them become so intimate with every part of you and yet they are a stranger. The first D-day was on July 24, 2014 and I still lock the bedroom door. I don’t use the furniture any more or feel unsafe, but I did up until February or March of this year. It’s indefinable.
Anne – thanks but I am still very conscious of my safety and keep my dogs around me at all times and I always have doors locked. I like storm doors. Lets the air and light in but I can lock it. I’m almost as paranoid now as I was then. Being single in a new neighborhood. Everybody knows I live alone, but it’s a nice neighborhood. I’ve made it very clear to every worker here, and in the neighborhood, that I have a dog that cannot be walked in on. (I omit the dangerous-word, but a 190# Great Dane barking at you thru the storm door would give anybody shutters to ever come around here uninvited.) Of course, I’m Big Dog Bias, for this exact reason. Always had Danes. No guns required. Chiwawas will also do an awesome job of barking at strange ppl at the door. hehe
Anne,
Since D-day I have not been able to sleep without the light on in my bedroom. I feel like a child afraid of the dark again. I sleep with my pistol on the nightstand. My nightmares as of late involve Match Girl waking me up from a deep sleep. When I do sleep, the nightmares wake me up anyway.
LovedAJackass described it perfectly, Venessa. The “searing” pain is gone now, but *only* after I went no-contact.
Thank you Chump Lady and Chump Nation.
Ian, thanks – glad us gals aren’t the only ones. If you ever saw Paranormal, the first movie, it scared me to death. After X stole my gun so I had no protection and took all his own, I kept having nightmares like in the scene from Paranormal. Where the wife is video-recorded at 2am, in her nightdress and staring down at her husband for the longest time. Really creepy stuff. Those were my nightmares. Last night to my horror! I woke up to a really hairy back and I thought, OMG, it’s my X – sleeping in my bed and we’re divorced! (he had a really hairy back) Thankfully, turned out to be my Great Dane, who is a little less hairy. Hey – why these dreams after 1-1/2 yrs divorced?? Guess I was married too long..
Shechump, Anne and Ian, I still keep everything locked up – even here in my new home…satan drives by all the time now that he knows where I am. I do not trust that he will just keep driving. I do not trust that he is sane.
When the hell started satan also took all my guns so I was left alone and very vulnerable in that big house. One night four men broke into one of my neighbor’s houses and the police chased them all over the neighborhood…three of them ended up in my back yard! I shutter to think what could have happened…and I had nothing to defend myself with. Beau’s barking is likely what kept them out until the police picked them up. Dogs absolutely do rock! satan was constantly breaking in at odd early morning hours and I would wake up to him standing over me, picking me up out of the bed and dropping me on the floor and running away laughing…sometimes he would lick me before he dropped me…he is demented. When everything you think to be true proves to be a lie…its hard to be sure of anything anymore. The fear is a by product of being used and abused by these disordered monsters.
Ian,
Thanks for sharing. I didn’t mention my guns at the ready because I didn’t want to sound like I was really in outfield somewhere, but knowing that this is a shared experience with men too helps a lot.
CN,
Thanks for sharing your feelings on this. I thought about it last night before going to bed and I was still going through my ritual of locking everything, one dog in the bedroom, two roaming the house, gun at the ready. The only thing I stopped doing was putting the furniture against the bedroom door. I guess I’m not feeling as secure as I thought I was. But because of the common experience, feeling more normal.
Thanks again.
D day was July 8, 2014, I have lived alone since then. I have no dog (except occasional sitting for DS dog) and have locked my bedroom door since then and I still am. I also bought a gun. I think you are right Anne, we feel unsafe because we were living with someone we thought we knew but didn’t. When you are betrayed like this how can you feel safe? Or trust again. I am with Kar Marie, I am staying single. I am not near Meh, but plan to get there someday.
I think part of it is the realisation that you don’t know this person. You’ve been living with a stranger, in effect. And you don’t know what they’re capable of. Most of us would have said our ex’s weren’t capable of cheating. So now we know they are, what else are they capable of?
It’s also the insecurity that comes from losing your partner- but not in the form of a relationship ending through ‘normal’ means or death, it’s through betrayal. The one person you should be able to turn to, you really, really can’t. And that’s bound to unnerve and create anxiety over safety & security. Both physical and emotional.
Finally, something that I guess may have happened to a lot of us. My ShiTBoX’s attitude toward me changed so much. There was so much contempt, disrespect. In the months leading up to D-Day, I felt like I / being married to me was a burden to him. I felt uneasy, like he just wanted to get rid of me. Like I was a problem that needed to be solved. He was watching dark movies, like Shutter Island which is about murdering your wife, then tell me about it. After D-Day, I kicked him out, but the contempt continued. I was definitely paranoid about the security of my home for a good while after that.
It’s funny, because I’ve never heard anyone mentioning this aspect before, but here are a few of us, going through the same emotions. I feel more normal now. I wish this was a more well-known side effect.
It’s right enough that infidelity is a form of abuse. I really wish I could take civil action against my ShiTBoX and his AP for all the damage they’ve inflicted.
When I found out about my cheating husband, I got on the phone to every relative (his and mine) and mutual close friends and tell them what had happened. After a week of blowback from all the above listed family/friends, he had the nerve to tell me that I’d sabotaged any chance for “us” by telling everyone what he’d done and also by hiring an attorney to explore my options. My fault, not him or his four year affair.
When you read it in the cold light of unemotional day – it sounds as insane and ludicrous as it is. But when you are dealing with a manipulative cheater – they can make it sound like the gospel truth and shift that blame right onto you. Because there’s one thing a cheating narcissist avoids at all cost – and it’s taking the blame for anything. It’s their kryptonite. And they die if they have to be exposed.Be glad you only had 3 years and no marriage/children in the bargain. You can get away clean and just keep living your life. It may take a while – but really – you need to say good riddance to bad rubbish and get as far away from that asswipe as you can. He is not worth your time investment. Good luck.
Ridiculous. I also told all of our immediate family (including his mom and sisters, who were horrified) the morning after D-day. My ex was ticked off and claimed this was between us and I shouldn’t have blabbed about it. Had I not been halfway to hysteria, I would have pointed out that the minute he brought a third person (or rather, several third persons) into the equation, it ceased being “between us.” It’s neve about the principle with cheaters, it’s about what is convenient to their narrative in the moment.
Venessa,
So sorry he hurt you he sucks.
I wrote a few texts and emails to third-parties after my STBXW cheated on me. The only reason I regret writing those messages is because I weakened my legal position. Emotionally? I feel fine.
Venessa, your situation sounds different. You don’t mention if you’re living together, or if you share finances. The most important thing now is no-contact. You can agonize over the mass-email once you’ve extricated yourself from that cheater.
As mentioned above, defamation laws vary so be wary! But, I’m fine with telling people the truth. Hopefully you have him in-writing admitting he cheated. He will try to spin it down the road. Not enough of a reason to break no-contact though. Just get as far away as possible. Yes, it hurts. So sorry, Venessa.
Venessa, No you couldn’t not have worked it out as this cheater claims. He was porking 5 other women and who knows how many others that you don’t know of. There is no working this out, he is checked out and I wonder if he was ever really checked into this courtship to begin with. I mean really? 5 women and possibly more. Aren’t you concerned of the STDs he can give you? your health? And if he’s sleeping other women, he’s spending his money, time and energy on them and not on you. And when he’s doing them, he’s certainly not thinking of you.
He’s a louse and a huge coward for blaming you. Your reaction is quite mild actually for what he did. In fact, it’s too nice. I would have gone ballistic and would have done far worse. And from now on, be nice to those who are nice to you first. This guy was an asshole to you, and deserves to have the same courtesy returned to him. He’s a jerk.
Pay attention to his actions, not his words. Words are wind. Actions do not lie.
Venessa,
Every outed cheater should thank their lucky stars that their chumps don’t fly off the handle. Extreme vengeful behavior, whether physical, shaming, etc. does not help, but what you did is jay walking compared to the all out felony committed against you. Cheaters love to call you out on the small human infractions to smoke screen their flagrant crimes. They are just waiting to fit you into the narrative that you are the unreasonable one.
The rage that comes from being gaslighted (gaslit?) with for years is huge,
Even No Contact is held against us. “Let go of your anger! Forgive! for the sake of the children!” If you have made a cognitive decision that the cheater is a person lacking in honesty and integrity, so you don’t want them as a friend, people judge you for being bitter. Being a chump is often a lose-lose situation; you only win by escaping and then narrowing your social circle significantly.
True Tempest. I think the worst happened a couple months ago when some well meaning dad at my kids activity gave me the you should be friends because it is better for the children speech. I just looked at him and said “No, I’m good.” The poor chap persisted in his story of how he and his ex are such great friends and how great it is for their child. I couldn’t help it I had to let it go so I just calmly looked at him and said, “The man tried to kill me….twice, exactly how do I go about making the move to be friends with someone who would do that? Go ahead, think about it and get back to me.” Can’t imagine why our conversation ended after that.
All out of kibbles….when anyone wants to bring up the “be friends for the kids crap” I always remind them that I was forced to have a full panel STD test and a F*CKING AIDS TEST because of him. Maybe it makes people uncomfortable, sure, but it sure does make them think. You can’t be “friends” with people who literally put your life in danger.
Many times people have said, “You needed an AIDS test?!?! Was he sleeping with men?” I don’t imagine he was, but a cheater is a liar, so he very well could be lying about only having an affair with one woman. Meh.
Great response, AllOutofKibble! Hard to argue with “He tried to kill me twice.”
I’ve had two CHUMPS, of all people, tell me to let go of my anger (my aunt) and make friends with my X for the sake of the children (a friend of a friend). Let’s just say neither one will make those recommendations again. I was tactful (mostly) but firm.
I’m trying to memorize this Aristotle quote the next time the issue crops up: “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
Five caveats? Mind-blown, Aristotle.
Great stuff, Tempest. Have printed that quote and put it on my fridge.
Your hard to tell the truth to. When your in a relationship with someone for three years and they make that statement you may interpret it as his inability to TELL the truth. You told the truth in your emails.
The truth is you were with a serial cheater and I would suggest getting tested for STD’s. The only person responsible for cheating is the cheater. You know he has been cheating for a year? If he admitted to this you can be assured he has been cheating since day one. Its a lack of character and it defines who he is and has been since you met him. Valentines day just adds insult to injury. In my opinion he is a narcissist because he wanted to maximize your pain.
At this point you need to go no contact. If you are living with him throw him out or move. Ask yourself what he was getting from your relationship. Typically, serial cheaters are users and takers. Were you providing financial support? Cut him loose and trust he sucks.
Venessa- I feel your pain. Your cheater blaming you for the demise of your relationship is preposterous. This is common practice right out of the cheater Fuck-Book, chapter 1, paragraph 1.
“Yes your honor, I know I was drinking and driving – yes I know I blew a .24 – yes I realize I ran over a pedestrian at 2am in the morning and permanently disabled this person for the rest of their life. But your honor, blaming me for this isn’t going to fix the person I hit. Why was that person out at 2am in the morning anyway?”
BLAMESHIFTING & LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY = REALLY SHITTY CHARACTER.
You deserve much better Venessa. Stick with the facts…he is a heartless cheater that does NOT love you (sorry to be so abrupt Venessa). You must go no contact and start to heal. Big hug for you!
Venessa,
Regarding your statement: ‘I feel numb. I feel stupid. I feel sad. I feel ugly, I feel lost,’ I can relate to all of those things with both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend (post separation from STBX). My STBX is an abusive cheater; my ex-boyfriend, who was called a ‘Nice Guy’ by virtually everyone who knew him and seemed warm, consistent, trustworthy, and generous for 30 years literally overnight revealed himself as cold, flaky, dishonest, and selfish.
(I think that it is not uncommon for chumps and other mistreated partners to shoulder the responsibility for the demise of the lop-sided relationship. Please keep in mind that it is much easier to blame a partner for anything going wrong than to acknowledge responsibility. Cheaters’ and abusers’ default behavior is blame-shifting. After years of knowing someone, you reasonably got used to trusting your boyfriend. No wonder you feel lost now. You learned, suddenly and traumatically, who your boyfriend was–someone far different from the partner you thought you had. I went through the same experience. I felt as though I had been hit by a semi, stabbed in the heart, and pushed off a cliff, first by my husband, who vowed to defend me for life, and then by my boyfriend, who I thought was my friend for 30 years and I trusted more than anyone in the world. The betrayal is like the abandonment of a toddler his parent. It violates the ‘code’ that we believe rules civilization and threatens our security in the most devastating way.
Forgive yourself for having real or merely perceived imperfections. When you’re a chump, self-blame is often a knee-jerk reaction to blame of any kind. Your imperfections, real or perceived, did not cause the betrayal or poor treatment of you. I often blamed myself for getting into the relationship with my STBX and my ex-boyfriends (not heeding red flags before I physically and emotionally invested in the relationships) and acting too needy (e.g., crying on my then-boyfriend’s shoulder too much when I was hit by tragedy (death, disability, etc. of family members). I may have leaned on him more than I should have but doing so was far from a mortal sin. (As a typical chump who puts my partners on a pedestal, I begged for forgiveness and told him that a lot of problems were resolving and I was learning to manage many of the other problems, problems which I had not caused. I tried to ‘sell’ him our relationship, which I thought was wonderful.) Instead of shouldering all the blame now, I think that he should have said something about not feeling comfortable with my behavior at least ONCE in the previous 365 days before he dumped me. But you know, the unfaithful, uninvested, and selfish don’t ‘do’ communication and aren’t comfortable with the feelings of others, unless those feelings are akin to admiration of the first aforementioned party. They would rather run away than work out anything, even if the payoff to developing a relationship in a deep, authentic way is a happy, very fulfilling life.
Regarding your statement: ‘I just want him back,’ I can also relate to those sentiments with both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend, You, I, and all other chumps have been hit by horrendous news, the news that the one we loved most would betray us. We were blindsided by the betrayal and/or abandonment and cruel treatment. We don’t want to believe that our ship has sunk, our life preserver has gone down with it, and we now need to swim to shore (half way across an ocean). What we want back is not our partner and our relationship with that partner, but who we thought our partner was and what we thought our relationship was. (Although I am not a gold-digger and neither expected nor asked my boyfriend to support my kids and and me, I do miss the comfortable lifestyle that I briefly shared with him. I often feel jealous of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and envious of their lifestyle, which is much more comfortable than mine and my kids,’ but I remind myself that girlfriend probably gets the negative facets’ of my ex-boyfriend’s personality and other flaws of his.) I think of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend as a ‘beautiful mirage’ as I was the only one who thought that we were both in it and committed to each other. Unfortunately, the beautiful mirage, which was really turd completely covered by colorful sprinkles, caused me horrendous emotional and physical pain. The behavior of the unfaithful and the selfish is not ok, but I keep telling myself, ‘I will be ok; it (life) is ok,’ so that I don’t feel as though I am constantly dying a very protracted and painful death. (My ex-boyfriend left me six weeks ago. I feel as though only six seconds have passed as I have been in shock. I think that I may be a slow healer.) We don’t deserve to suffer this way and to this extent.
If you are suffering as much as I have (unable to eat and sleep, even suidical), I urge you to consider high-quality psychotherapy sooner rather than later. You will benefit from ’emergency (emotional) first aid.’ If I could go back to the time I was hit by the first emotional tsunami, D-Day #1, almost two years ago, I would have invested in excellent, weekly psychotherapy (which I thought I could not afford). I would have had to pay more than I felt comfortable paying, but accepting life-enhancing treatment might have prevented me from investing in the relationship with my ex-boyfriend and thus spare me a lot of pain. I wish you quick recovery from this blow and a wonderful life!
RockStarWife,
You sound much better today. Glad you’re feeling just a little bit better.
Thanks, Ian. You and all the members of Chump Nation are my life preserver! Hope you are doing well.
RSW I know how you felt and feel I thought about suicide every single day for about a year it hurt so bad it still does. But I never followed through my sister in law asswipes sister who is also my great friend and went through the same thing was my savior and angel. Every time I considered it I saw my three kids faces and unlike daddio who checked out on them emotionally I couldnt leave them behind in the aftermath. I had hoped their asshole dad would come to his senses and pay more attention to them. Currently he is paying more attention as he and whore juice have broken up yet again. Everytime they breakup he pays more attention to his own kids instead of that whore involving him all up in her kids. My kids are aware when the lovebirds break up cause dad starts texting them out of the blue. So very very sad. But its who he is and all of them stopped vying for his attention when he was obviously ignoring them. Where I talk or text with them daily. And I dont tell him that. He gets mad I know all about them and he doesnt his fault for ignoring them. But I felt that way every day for a least a year. My daughter hugged me and said mom I love my dad but hes never even tried to be close to me. He does now like whore juice does with her kids spend money on them. Figures money will buy forgiveness. She told me I always gave her what she wanted love devotion and my time and thats means more to her than his damn money especially since he was always so cheap til whore juice came along. She sees right through him. And she sees right through the whore. She told me she deserved a better father than him but loves him anyway. Great provider but not emotionally avaliable she will now she see him when and if she wants. That she deserved better than him and more importantly so do I. Shes quite a woman my baby girl. Take heart rock star wife its better to be with your own good self than with anyone not worthy of you. I will forever remain single I won’t be fooled again.
RockStar, I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve so much better than what you have received. I relate to your story so much, as both you and I have ex’s who are especially grandiose in their delusions. I know it’s not much, but I am sending you as much positive energy and virtual strength as possible. Hang in there.
Venessa,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t blame you one bit for blasting the truth via email to his friends and family. I wish I had done this the very moment I found STBX was cheating. I didn’t, because at first I was protecting our privacy as a couple because I thought we could work things out…and then later on, after a year and a half and numerous D-Days when I filed for divorce, I was afraid no one would believe me. It’s now almost two years since I filed and I still have not outed him. His mom knows the bare details and supports him. My family and friends know…but I’ve never reached out to any of his friends and extended family. I still worry they won’t believe me because I found out along the way he’s been playing character assassination on me for years, even pre-affair…and I don’t want to feed into the narrative anymore than he’s already spun that I am emotional, unreasonable, crazy, etc. It’s so unfair. I’ve had many moments where I’ve wanted to blast him on facebook, or forward some of his love letters to MOW to “Team Cheater” etc…and sometimes I have to literally sit on my hands to not do this. Anyway — I don’t blame you for getting the truth out there. Good for you. In fact, I’m a little envious I don’t have the guts to do the same thing. 🙂
One thing I have decided though, is once my divorce is final, I do plan to write a brief, cordial letter to his aunts and uncles and a few close friends who were in our wedding (none of whom have reached out to me since hearing of the divorce) and tell them simply that Ex had an affair, I stayed with him for a year and a half and tried to work it out with him, took him to counselors, took him back several times, etc., but he ultimately chose to leave, and he is still with her. (she lives in another part of the country, and I’m guessing the plan is to not shop her around to family and friends until the divorce is final, so he can tell everyone they got together after the marriage was over). I won’t editorialize, and I don’t plan to hear anything back from Team Cheater. But I do think I have the right to stand up for myself by speaking the truth. I also plan to keep copies of the letters for my son for him to see someday if he so choses (he’s only 4 now) so he can see his mommy did stand up for herself once she felt it was appropriate, and he’ll know who, if anyone, from his Dad’s side showed any interest or concern in the truth.
In the meantime, every once in a while, I “share” or like a CL post or share an article on surviving infidelity or dealing with a narcissist (without personal commentary) on my Facebook page. I’m still on there with some members of Team Cheater. Who knows if they see this or not, but its my subtle way of saying hey, this is what happened.
Hugs to you…
Christina,
I hope you have investigated whether a fault divorce is an option in your locale. Adultery can factor in a divorce settlement and custody agreement. Keep your powder dry for the right battles, but post-divorce let him have it with both (metaphorical) barrels.
Kibbles and cake are different post-divorce. My understanding is this: cake means the cheater gets to keep having sex with the chump. No sex = no cake. Kibbles post-divorce only relates to child custody. No shared custody = no kibbles. Does this sound right to other Chumps?
I am starting to think it’s fine to truth-bomb a cheater post-divorce. (Again, depending on your country’s laws. I’m just talking U.S. for shorthand purposes here.) Who cares if Cheater gets a contact-high perverse-pleasure buzz? If a Chump gets a strategic advantage then I’m all for post-divorce Cheater-character assassination.
Hmm, I would say that cake post divorce means major supply to the ex, including sex, having him/her over for dinner or otherwise pretending to still be a happy family, making “nice” at family occasions, etc. Kibble is any form of attention, so very difficult to avoid if you are unfortunate enough to have to co-parent with one of these disordered fuckers.
I agree with Glad on both cake and kibbles. “Cake” also includes impression management and the capacity to control the public and private narratives (e.g, “Chump is crazy,” when said to others; “It’s your fault” or “you don’t trust me,” when talking to Chump.
Kibbles are dispenses with attention, centrality, and emotional response. That’s why I’m so adamant about Chumps not texting or messaging. Too much instant temptation to fire off a response, replete with kibbles. Those with kids may want the ability to contact the X regarding emergencies but then should NOT respond to anything BUT true emergencies, e.g., kid has a broken bone, not kid lost his field trip permission slip. NO CONTACt and Gray Rock are the goals.
Get a load of today’s news that Ben Affleck is moving in beside estranged wife Jennifer Garner house. Jennifer, give your head a shake – how many more kibbles can you throw at Ben? Chump Jennifer has no idea that cheater Ben will be entertaining future conquests within 30 ft. or so, of the matrimonial home. A story that will not end well for poor Jen and Affleck progeny.
I think that exposure if their true selves is the thing cheaters fear most. I would not feel bad outing this guy for his shit.
When I found out ex was a cheater, I immediately left him and let all my friends, family, co workers , etc know what he did and what a shit he was. I did not contact anyone associated with him. I never really liked his juvenile acting friends, and never saw any of them without him. Same for his family. Unfortunately, I fell into Wreckconciliaton, so he was never exposed to his group.
When we broke up for good, I wrote a Facebook posting stating it was due to him Dating a whore while married. Someone told him (I had blocked him by then ) and he bitched till I removed it. Hopefully, lots of people saw it. I was accused of ruining his reputation. Not his whoring, me exposing it, ruined his reputation. I do regret not exposing the whore, so no one knows she’s a whore. Like someone above, if I thought she would have been around my child, I would of but she went on down the pike so I decided Fuck Her. I do wish I’d done it though because she is free to spread her whoring on unsuspecting friends. If I said anything now, it would look strange so unless I have cause, like her nasty ass ever being around my daughter, it stays in the vault.
Vanessa , my experience was similar to yours – the problem was apparently me saying anything to anyone about him. In counselling he said, “I know I did lots of things wrong but she TOLD people about them!” He was absolutely gobsmacked that I had not shut up and protected his image. Me not protecting him while he cheated and abused us seemed to be the issue, not his cheating and abuse.
Any normal person just doesn’t get this, only a narcissist gets this. What you want back is who you thought he was, not who he really is. Go no contact, it has the advantage of sending the ex crazy as well as protecting your and allowing your to heal. Stay strong!
“So, in my opinion, what you were trying to do in that ill-considered email blast, was take back your power and assert some form of reality. THIS HAPPENED! OMG, THIS IS WHO HE IS!”
Immediately after DDay I let my adult children and my extended family know exactly what happened. Of course X was pissed and accused me of telling them too much. To which I replied: They need to know what kind of ~~~~man~~~~ you are. Now, I would have replaced the word man with , oh I don’t know, idiot, bastard, monster……He is not a man, just a weak cowardly excuse of a human.
Listen to the voices of experience here. Your job is not to save his reputation.
I would add emotional terrorist to your list hna.
After D-day, I knew my then-H had been on adult websites (as well as having affairs with students), so looked to see if I could recognize his profile on one.
My daughter used my computer a few days after that, the website popped up and she texted me at a dinner party that I should be ashamed of myself. No way I was taking accountability for that, so I texted back, “Your father had an affair with a 22 year old.” She has broken off contact with him ever since, and apparently it’s my fault for alienating her from him. Facepalm.
The disordered types are always angry when their truth is revealed because all they really care about is image control. By sharing his/her horrid behavior with others, you inconvenience the disordered, who now has to make a big effort to redo his/her mask of decency. Most of them are rather lazy at heart, so that annoys them.
After I stupidly agreed to reconcile with my ex, he was actually angry that I had shared my pain with my family during our separation. Imagine, he was angry that I turned to my own family for support after the unbelievable things he had done! He said this would make it much harder for them to accept him again and then added that anyone who would not accept him would have to be “cut out of our lives.”
BTW, I never did a big blast outing of his behavior, never really went off on him, never made a huge dramatic scene despite the mind-boggling level of cheating, mind fuckery and sociopathy he displayed during our marriage and afterwards. Despite that, he still cheated during reconciliation, he still played the mind fuck to the max and he STILL blamed me for everything, and continues to do so to this day. So it really doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. The disordered do not change their bad behavior, although they often learn to conceal it better or delay it for a short time. And they will ALWAYS blame you when things inevitably fall apart, no matter how much it was their fault. So Venessa, forgive yourself, block your ex in every way possible and move on.
Girl, I sent a text to my cheating fiancé’s two groomsmen as soon as I found out and kicked him out, and ended it with a smiley face. He was so pissed off that I outed him, and I’m still proud of that shit! Everyone here is right, though. He will find ways to blame you for his own horrible, destructive behavior, and it’s all bullshit. Don’t believe any of it because people like your ex (and mine, and everyone else’s) only tell lies. And you will make it through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s possible now.
Hi Vanessa,
I just want to add my voice. Yes, missing the man you thought he was, missing the relationship you thought you had – hurts like hell on earth. It does and there’s no easy route through that pain. Take comfort in knowing it shows you are a REAL person who loves with her whole heart. He clearly is neither REAL (he feigned being in a committed long-term relationship with you, didn’t he)? nor does he love with his whole heart (though he pretended he did, didn’t he)? What you got here is a base animal in possession of a willy who learned some tricks to get other people to play with it – that’s all. Big fucking deal!
I’m appalled by his assumption that you could have ‘worked it out’. Really? Just how far up his own arse is he?
I LOVE that you sent that mass email Vanessa. I’m all for speaking the truth. Fuck him, fuck him mightily. He’s a user (you and at least 5 other women) and a misogynistic bastard. He doesn’t deserve your love, your good regard or your heartbreak. He’s a little boy with a toy and a good line in patter – but zero else of any real human value. Your heart will heal (honestly) but he’ll always be a loser.
Stay strong x
Exposure? Leads to closure.
Know what is GREAT about one truth? One truth is stronger than 500 lies. – Buddha Yup.
I believe in precise, limited exposure, told to people who will support you. If they will not help you – screw them anyway…
Never be afraid to tell your truth. Affairs thrive in the culture of lies. I will live on the other side of that fence, thank you.
Expose so family and friends will be able to help you. Not to break up the affair or to affect APs.
Note: I had the “stiff upper lip” on FB – didn’t even mention the divorce until after a year post BD- but a “tipsy” high school friend wrote a post on my wall about his “betrayals” – I left it up there. Even after she apologized for her rant.
No one has to apologize for telling the truth.
My years as his main villain, his daddy/daughter referee and his #1 apologist are long gone.
— I was fired from that position. Anyone who asks will be told the truth.
Yup – I love your saying: Exposure leads to closure! You got that right. And I couldn’t agree more with your statement about the truth, and quoting Buddha. The truth is very healing, what hurts are the lies that were perpetuated covertly, hidden and which were exposed. I’m all for revealing the truth, it empowers and makes things right.
OH! nonononono! – Buddah Yup was a play on my name. I’m not Buddah, he’s too skinny! (that is a joke, too.)
My partner is a fellow chump whose ex wife cheated for months with the kids tennis coach and did not try to hide it. Then she convinced him to reconcile for the kids sake and made him sleep in the rec room! Then she wanted him to buy the house next door while she moved her lover into the family home. He finally snapped when he came home one day and lover boy was sitting in his lounge in HIS chair, talking his HIS kids. Fortunately he didn’t slug the guy although I don’t know many men who wouldn’t try.
There are many excuses for why chumps stay with cheaters…not the least of which is the kids. When my chump friend finally got angry and bought his own house and moved away, Cheater tried to tell everyone he had left her and the kids.
Now, 15 years later, I’m on the scene and she is telling people in our small community that I “must have been in the background all along”. I only met him three years ago….so, the mindfark never stops from these lunatics.
I crossed paths with her for the first time recently and someone tried to introduce us. I leaned close to her when she tried to shake my hand and hissed “bad mouth me one more time babe and I’ll let your darling kids know exactly what a skank you were”. She literally reeled backward and got big saucer eyes. I thought she was going to take a crap right then and there. She turned tail and left. I later told her adult daughter to never ever plan anything where we all had to meet. I think daughter gets it, she has a partner who is a chump too.
I’m not a confrontational person by nature but in this case I was willing to make an exception because she was trying to rewrite history and it just pissed me off she was involving me.
To the OP, be glad that he isn’t your husband. Dating is the time to learn who people are. You dodged a bullet. You didn’t lie, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. When I told the people closest to me (including his parents & siblings), I also told them the name of the AP, so that he would never be able to claim hat they started after we split up.
You aren’t his PR agent. Cheaters bank on the idea that we will be too ashamed to go public with the news. I think I caught my ex off guard by going public with it and telling a lot of people. He claimed I was trying to sabotage his happiness. Nah, just telling the truth. You want to pretend like it didn’t happen, but it did and we both know it. I’m not invested in making you look good anymore especially not at the expense of my own sanity.
Yeah, trying to sabotage his happiness. They don’t like it when we change the dynamics on them. They want to be in control of the situation, call the shots as they fit. But when the innocent partner comes out exposing their cheating behavior, they don’t like it. They look bad and they no longer are in control of what will happen. They freak out and blame us, for wrecking their plans they were so sure they could carry out.
Vanessa-
I am sorry you’re going through this. I remember those early days of discovery and how difficult it was. I also remember how it all just decimated my self esteem.
I stayed with Mr. Cheater McCheaterson for 3 long years of wreckonciliation so I didn’t email blast anyone. I confided in my sister and a few close friends which made him squirm a bit when he had to be in their company. Too bad, so sad!
When we got divorced I had an all out text war with him one time. The whole thing ruined my day and just gave him a giant kibble boost since I was obviously allowing him space in my head. I beat myself up for it but I learned from that mistake, forgave myself and moved on.
A few months later he sent me a “Happy Birthday” Text. It was mind boggling because we hadn’t spoken in months and we weren’t friends. It felt like he wanted me to engage in another stupid kibble fest so I blocked him on my cell phone. I have two children with him but they are both adults so the way I see it as long as I keep the email venue open, I’m covered.
I know its counter intuitive but going no contact is really the best way to deal with this. Since you don’t have children with him and you never married, you should block him from every venue possible including email. Get new accounts if necessary. These wackadoos get off on when you make them central. Just cut him off and grieve the man you thought he was and eventually you will be able to move on.
I wish you speed in your recovery.
This is so good that I am just going to highlight it again: “I know its counter intuitive but going no contact is really the best way to deal with this. Since you don’t have children with him and you never married, you should block him from every venue possible including email. Get new accounts if necessary. These wackadoos get off on when you make them central. Just cut him off and grieve the man you thought he was and eventually you will be able to move on.”
Question….most people here found out about the cheating. My ex confessed. I suspected but never accused. He literally told me and then over a week continued to disclose more cheating so he could get it off his chest. Any idea why some cheaters actually tell and then run??
Some cheaters do have something of a conscience. My guess is that your cheater felt guilt and thought that confession would make him feel better. Still, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.
He wanted you to find out because he didn’t have the balls to get out. He didn’t know how to do it. So he did something that he thought would make YOU end it!
It’s a tough call. Rarely do cheaters have consciences. It is possible that if your cheater cheated once, he may feel so badly he must tell you. It is still totally up to you as to whether or not you wish to pursue reconciliation. If so, make sure that HE does the work. After all, HE broke his vows, not you. If you have to manage his therapy schedule and ensure he does the homework, then he’s not owned his behavior. These cheaters are Unicorns, and rarely seen.
More often, a cheater confesses out of self-preservation. If he and his Affair Partner had a bad fight and she threatened to tell you enough that he believed her, then he’ll want to tell you his truth first so that you buy his version. This is gaslighting and image management!
Most Chumps are in the habit of trusting their Cheater, even after they’ve discovered that the Cheater cheats. For some reason, we’ll confide in our Cheater, even though our Cheater has proven to us that they’re completely untrustworthy! They’ll tell us that they cheated, but not really, or they were poor sausages and really, it’s all you baby! We believe them because we want to believe the dream.
If your husband has confessed to multiple affairs, then I’d suspect that he’s trying for image management. Most serial cheaters are disordered. They don’t get a sudden case of conscience. They can, however, get a sudden case of paternity or an STD. I would recommend you get yourself checked out–and him, too!
Oh, and see a lawyer, but don’t tell your husband this. You need to see your legal options, regardless of what you ultimately decide to do.
I also think it’s possible they confess as a way of moving the ball forward. If you know and you stay, that’s a permanent Plan B cake supply. That’s real triangulation–which can be a way to stay married and avoid intimacy.
Venessa, I was most interested in this part of your letter: “How can I stop wanting him back and move forward towards a new life? I am stuck in pain and grief. I thought he loved me. It’s shocking. Like he was here one day and now he’s just gone.”
One way to move forward is to look at how you are framing this situation. You are not “stuck” in pain and grief. You are 6 weeks past D-Day in a 3-year relationship. Some part of the time since then, you have been investigating the scope of the problem and you have been in contact with the Cheater and subject to his gaslighting. So first of all, you are still reeling from the shock of discovering the infidelity, the loss of both your illusions about the Cheater and what the relationship meant to you, and the trickled-out truth about multiple partners. You are not stuck. You have been badly injured and it hurts like a motherf***er. You lost things that are precious and hard to replace–trust, hopes, companionship, time, and the illusion that you were loved. So of course you are grieving.
The best thing you can do is just feel the pain and go through the grieving process. You won’t feel the horrific searing physical and emotional pain forever. it will lessen, and lessen until someday you will go a whole day and not think of him or the OWs. You will be busy with your own life. But if you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain, you can’t really heal. That means no using alcohol and “substances” (food, drugs, drama) to numb the pain, no jumping back into a relationship to make yourself feel beautiful or loved or even just OK.
This was by far the most important thing I did–just enduring the pain. It doesn’t mean I sat around and boo-hooed all day or was non-functional once I got through the worst. It just means that I treated myself as if I had gone through a terrible trauma and needed time to heal. I didn’t expect to feel “better” right away. “I thought he loved me,” you wrote. “Like he was here one day and now he’s gone.” That happened to you. It’s real and it’s painful in ways that most people you know won’t understand. Love yourself enough to take the time to really recover. One way to do that might be to educate yourself about infidelity and disordered people by reading the resources linked here. That will help change your thinking.
You might want the old idea of him and the old life for a while. But part of moving through the pain is also gaining a life. I used exercise, improving my nutrition, prayer, yoga, meditation, reading, writing poetry, watching “Law and Order” episodes, my iPhone playlists, making the house reflect my own taste…and once I got my feet under me, I started recovering pieces of myself that I had cast aside even back in my teens. Who were you before the Cheater? What kind of woman do you want to be? Concentrate on that work and you will one day notice that you are on the road to Meh.
This advice is sound, and beautifully stated, LAJ. Everything you say is essential to the healing process and I hope Venessa takes it to heart.
I remember my wondering therapist teaching me to “just sit with it” when I experienced any uncomfortable feeling — rage, grief, etc. That is, allow myself to feel it, not push it down or away. “It won’t last forever” she would then say. She was so very right about it. Allowing myself to acknowledge and experience my painful emotions actually helped them to pass faster. It’s something still use to this day, 8 years after my first D-Day, and it always helps: “Just sit with it.”
The damage these disordered cheaters do to us is enormous. Venessa, trust me when I say you are doing great for the stage you are at, and you WILL heal and be mighty.
Ugh — she is a wonderful therapist, not a wondering one!
My cheater ex told me but would not disclose details. He thought I could “fix” him. When his mask slipped off, I had a very hard time figuring out who this man was. To this day, I do not know him. What I do know, is I want nothing to do with him.
Tobe – that’s a really good question. My X never confessed but he got so careless that I knew he wanted me to find out. And I did. He said he was so relieved I finally knew after 3 yrs. Confessed more than I wanted to hear, in fact. I knew enough, I didn’t want more. All I can say is, it must be an ‘Exit Affair’. Which is super really cruel to do to a loving spouse. Really really cruel and cowardly. (mine tried to shove me out of the house now that I look back)
Venessa – Time to get rational. You had a boyfriend who cheated on you with 5 different women that you know of. Then when you popped him, he fucked with your head and blamed the breakup on your email. That’s an incredible crock of shit.
He’s not special. I know you loved him, but that was before you knew he was fucking everybody within a 10 mile radius. Shut your heart off for second and think with your brain . . . do you really want him back? You mean you want a boyfriend guaranteed to fuck around on you? How in the hell would you deal with the icky feeling that unless you are physically next to him, there’s a possibility he’s up to no good again. No you don’t want that.
Strengthen up your friend network, get some hobbies, and be thankful you weren’t married to this turd. We’ve all been there; missed what we thought they were, but if you settle for someone who’s guaranteed to fuck you over, you’re missing a future happy life somewhere else.
RumbleKitty – Your post is so well said. And I love how you end it with that Venessa would be missing out at a happy life somewhere else. Very wise.
Omg Vanessa RUN!!! You are me 3 years ago. Then I found this site and received personal advise from CN. I wasn’t ready to act upon it. I went back for several more hits of the “hopium” pipe with him as LovedaJackass warned me not to give him another chance.
Fast forward 2 more years. OW 6-12!!!!! For real. But we were broken up thise 3 days we did have a fight (about him being on his phone)… I’d justify to myself. I’d always find out he in fact cheated months later when things were so good with is. I found out about OW 9-12 after we broke up. A cheater will always cheat. And now he will know it’s A OK with you if you go back. He will not stop because he will have found his Super Chump who will always take him back.
Listen to CL and CN. My Xbf ultimately left me Valentine day 2016 for a 280 lb 5’3 sugar mamma. After I supported him for a year after he quit his job. She wisked him off to Hawaii and Las Vegas. I never even heard of her. He is now her kept man.
We are both into fitness, he is a bodybuilder with 17% body fat. All the while dating him, I was made to feel and told I was not young enough, pretty enough, fit enough, slim enough or rich enough. But it was never about me.
I am forever grateful to CL and CN for opening my eyes to what he was doing to me. And now I am on the tough journey to determine how and why I let him hurt, disrespect and use me.
B
Good for you. Sometimes it takes as long as it takes. But now you are on the road to valuing yourself. 🙂
My STBX accuses me of conducting affairs and on D-Day #1 told my psychotherapist that I had tried to hire a prostitute for my own use during our marriage. He even called one of my family members who is a psychologist during the session to get ‘proof’ that I had sent her an email that I had planned to hire a prostitute. (For years, without provocation, instead of talking to me about what bothered him aboiut our mariage or agreeing to participate in counseling with me, he hacked my email account and my electronic diary.) not until D-Day #2, six months later, did I learn that he had sex with several prostitutes during our marriage (with money he had promised to put in our kids’ college savings account.
Kar Marie,
I wish you strength and happiness. You sound like an awesome mother and woman. When I start missing my ex-boyfriend, I try to redirect my loving thoughts toward my children, others who really do love me (and deserve my love), and good people I know who are hurting due to abuse and mistreatment.
RSW – I am so sorry that on top of your divorce with a deranged STBX, you have to go through being betrayed by your boyfriend and friend of 30 years, that is so beyond painful and unfair given all you’ve already gone through!!!
Like many chumps, I have been hurting every single day since DDay. As many have shared, my divorce became ground for more abuse from my X, and now that it’s final, and even though I am NC, his manipulative ways are ongoing. They will be ongoing for many more years as I bred with my disordered X.
When the shit sandwiches become too much, I lay down and let myself feel the hurt of my pulverized heart. I visualize the healing of my broken spirit, how the jagged edges become scar tissue, and feel the hurt lessen as I mentally wrap my body, heart and spirit in a cocoon of loving kindness. It is getting better, little by little, day by day, not nearly fast enough for my impatient nature, but it is slow progress.
I am sending you an enormous hug RSW, know that I and CN are rooting for you to keep forging on, and to channel some of your loving energy towards your own healing.
RSW and Chumptitude–it pains me to see such high quality people suffering every day because of the selfish, cruel actions of former spouses, who should have cherished and protected you. It is especially unfair that you have to keep suffering from manipulation because of trying to coparent with the disordered. My heart goes out to both of you, and I hope that you have little patches of peace to tide you over. Big hugs your way.
Thank you Tempest, I can’t find words to tell you how much your wit and wise presence along with CN’s support are helping me cope and build my cheater-free life!
Chumptitude.
Thanks for writing. My heart (almost literally) has aches every day for over six weeks now. (I wonder how many people in our situation feel like me.) My hands tingle for days as I feel rage at the injustice done to me and others with no legal recourse. Angry (sometimes enraged) and grief-stricken, I am an emotional mess who is struggling to function in the most basic way. I feel as though I am going through an extremely strong withdrawal response (bit like what I imagine heroin addicts go through while withdrawing). I don’t think that any of the psychotropic drugs I have taken have reduced either the physical and emotional pain or the anger. Hence, I starve myself. I turn my anger inward to he only place I am legally allowed to turn it. Has anyone else felt this way? I desperately want to talk to and see my ex-boyfriend. Unlike my STBX, he didn’t cheat on me, so I don’t think that he’s all that bad of a guy. I still madly love him and feel destroyed by him immediately getting involved with another woman. How do other people (1) get over the temptation to contact an ex who did not cheat on you but was not kind and forthright to you because he didn’t love you and (2) feel ok (as opposed to suicidal)?
RSW, I totally get that you desperately want to see the ex-boyfriend-who-was-a-friend-with-benefits-who-used-you-and-then-turned-commitment-phobe-asswipe-who-broke-your-heart-for-some-free-fucks.
It’s completely irrational, but there it is. The heart has its reasons.
But you MUST remain No Contact, because you are really struggling to heal. What kind of therapy are you getting? How often are you seeing your counsellor? How good is your counsellor? What homework do they make you do? Have they gotten you to do or try different activities to help get your thoughts somewhere more positive? Do you journal?
And – here goes – have you thought about meds for a brief period to help you through this? I only ask because I can see a pattern: a sort of underlying obsessive and control problem, and you might need a chemical circuit-breaker for a bit. It can really make a difference and help you to get some proper sleep and start eating again.
It’s like you want to control or change the ex-boyfriend, or at least the situation, and are furious that you can’t. OK, so he wasn’t a cheater – and it’s like you then jump straight to ‘ … and so he must have been The One! And now he’s gone!’
And this hamster wheel is buzzing round your head from the minute you wake up, to the minute you fall asleep. I know; I’ve been there too.
The best revenge is to live a happy life; a life that is BETTER WITHOUT HIM than with him. This is really up to you. But I sense that you are not ready yet to consider remaining single for a while, and possibly a long while.
It’s like you fight this idea tooth and nail because … why? It’s embarrassing? It makes you a ‘failure’? Your friends will pity you? You will have to go to parties alone? You have to cook for one? You won’t get Hot Monkey Sex?
If I were you, THIS is what I’d be exploring with my therapist – why am I, RSW, so afraid of being on my own, without a man?
Hugs and burgers in the meantime, as always.
RSW – Know that I am right there with you, forging on, and functioning despite the incredibly high levels of energy getting basic things done requires some days.
When the anger strikes, please do not turn it inward. Instead, buy a foam bat and beat up your couch, or find a gym with a punching ball and have at it, or when you run, imagine each of your steps as trampling your fucked up STBX and your disappointing ex-boyfriend.
Letting the rage out is the most productive way to move forward, keeping your rage in will only make the rage stronger the next time you get triggered.
You’ve got this, having to digest the betrayal of your ex-boyfriend while going through a divorce from hell with your STBX are horrendously painful.
Please keep writing, keep updating CN, you are not alone in your pain, you will overcome the pain, you will build a good life for your kids and yourself, keep forging on!
Wow Venessa… You only sent a group email blast exposing your cheating piece-of-shit asshole boyfriend. I took a baseball bat to my house to get a message through to my cheating wife. From my perspective, you showed an incredible amount of restraint.
Vanessa:
I felt all of the same emotions you are feeling. I was so scared how my life would turn out without him. I worried about my two children. Getting over him was SO difficult. Ending my 21 year marriage was so hard. Learning to make decisions for myself, buy a house on my own, basically becoming a single parent, worrying about my finances….etc. All of this was so scary. But I have grown so much from it and I have a new found confidence in myself and I know now that I can do anything on my own.
PLEASE listen to everyone here and LOVE YOURSELF enough to step away from the crazy. You do not deserve to be treated this way. He isn’t who you thought he was. You will never ever forget what he has done to hurt you. You likely won’t ever get past it. He won’t change who he is. Trust that he sucks, lick your wounds, invite girlfriends over to get some support, go no contact, keep yourself busy while you heal and MOVE ON to a much better life! I am SO GLAD I did!!!!
You can do it!!!!!
my XH sent me hundreds of texts after DD demanding that i “ADMIT IT WAS MY FAULT!!!” never heard such crap in all my life. i have no respect for someone who doesn’t have the balls to own up to their shit. when i think of him now all i see is a whinny coward.
When I found out, I reacted poorly and outed him in a mass email to everyone we know. He nows blames me and says we could have worked things out had I not done that.
Complete bullshit. If he were interested in reconcilation.. he’d wear that shame gladly… he’s be working to make himself a better person. He’d be meeting your needs and your boundaries.
You deserve better.
See I don’t feel like you made a mistake at all. We are trying to change the narrative about cheating here. It is not a victemless crime. Had your cheater stolen some lady’s money by fraud, representing himself to be her friend or lover, he would have ended up with his face plastered all over the evening news. We need to take the shame out of this…So the way I see it, is that you got control of the narrative first. You told the truth. If he had ebola and was running around giving it to people, you would feel the need to sound the alarm. He does have ebola, cheater ebola. You did the right thing. Hold your head up high. You have nothing to be ashamed of, your scamming, cheater needs to feel this shame. I think we all should do it. Many of us don’t because if our kids, and because we need to not piss off the cheater to get the best settlement we can, not that he doesn’t deserve to be placed in the stock and pillory and pelted with blue dye packets and made to wear his own scarlet letter.
Hi, GIO,
Both you and I have lived through many bizarre, painful events. I hope that you are doing well.
To survive the World Series of ordeals, after my ex-boyfriend, who was my exercise partner, left, I did several things to prevent me from killing myself or doing any other drastic things. First, in my most desperate moments in the middle of the night, I read website articles on getting my ex-boyfriend back. When I realized that there was no way I could, I read tons of website articles on recovering from break ups. In the middle of the night when kids were sleeping but I was ruminating over all the crap that had happened), I made towel animals. Most recently, I hired an Olympic track athlete to coach me in running. I am now preparing for a triathlon. I tell myself that I don’t need duddy, disordered partners to keep going! I hope to someday function at the level at which I can when I am my happiest and healthiest.
Towel animals and triathlons! Whatever it takes to heal.
Sounds like you DO know how to take care of yourself. Run strong, my friend!
So glad to hear you are working on something that makes you happy! Keep us posted on the triathlon training! 🙂
I am really struggling with this particular issue. My STBX and I are parting in a very respectful and calm manner. No one is particularly surprised we are getting divorced, but lots of people don’t know about the cheating. My close friends and family know, but there are people outside of my direct circle that don’t know the details. I oscillate between giving the standard “you know how it is, we grew apart” answer and “you know how it is, he had a girlfriend who gave him nicer Christmas gifts than I did, so I decided I needed to go.” As we have done the post-mortem on this disaster we have not really talked about the cheating, but rather talked around all the stuff that led to this unspoken set of circumstances. I have had a few moments of “gosh, if only I hadn’t (fill in issue here), we would still be married”.
But then I check myself and remember that there are lots of things to do when your wife is concerned about having enough money to pay the mortgage and retire. You can talk about how to achieve those goals while not destroying our lives financially and plunging us into bankruptcy. Or you can fuck someone else because asking a question about how we are going to pay the bills is definitely equivalent of giving you an emotional beat-down and telling you you will be a failure. I can see the logic behind both.
I remember once in the heat of wreckonciliation my STBX told me that he felt like he didn’t matter to me because I locked the door. We live in a major city, and our neighborhood is safe, but you know, a woman alone in house… locking the doors is a good idea. In his mind the fact that I locked the door was equivalent to locking him out of his house and telling he wasn’t wanted or something (I never really got it). I remember thinking the same thing: If this bothers you, there are lots of things you can do… Sure you could talk to your fellow housemate about possibly leaving the door unlocked, at least in the evening when you will get home from work. You could communicate when you are close and I could go open the door. Or you could go fuck someone else and 6 years later scream that you want a divorce because she obviously doesn’t love you are care about you.
Whenever I get sad about this whole thing I remind myself that he is fucking crazy.
You come to a point in your life when you figure that people will stop surprising you. I thought I had gotten to that point a while ago until I found this site. Just when I think cheaters can’t get any worse, some asshat that was married to someone on this board proves me wrong.
At first I thought “you locking him out” was some sort of metaphor. But no, you locked your front door so this was a good reason to cheat???!!! Please tell us you’re kidding!
I got some doozies from the ex in my life too but this just might top the list of one of the lamest blame shift attempts. like ever!
LOL… I need these gut checks every once in while to remind me that I’m not insane.
Right so – we live in the city in Los Angeles. Our neighborhood is fine, it’s safe enough but it’s a big city with plenty of crime. I also grew up with a mother who is a bit OCD about locking doors. Like come and rouse you out of your bed if you didn’t lock the door behind you when you came in. I lock the fucking doors.
I would come home from work. Our garage is a detached garage and we come in and out of our back door. STBX was also a work-a-holic. I would get home in the evening at like 5:30 and he might not get home for another two hours or so. Sort of force of habit (particularly in the winter), I come in, I set my stuff down, I lock the door the behind me. He rolls up two hours later and tries to come in… maybe I’m in the kitchen ( cooking his dinner), maybe I’m folding laundry, maybe I’m relaxing on the couch… whatever. Long story short – he has to dig out his keys and unlock the door and you would have thought that I was standing on the other side holding the lock shut based on the amount of anger and frustration that this would cause him. Having to unlock the door to his own house. Because his wife prefers to have it locked when she is home by herself in the dark.
So yes, at one point when he was trying to impress upon me how horrible I was and how badly I made him feel it was brought up that I don’t even WANT him there because I lock him out and he has to let himself in. He claims that this bothered him for years and I should have known because it obviously bothered him. I mean yes, it obviously bothered him, but I was like “He’s really got some anger issues because I’ve never seen a person get so upset about having to use his keys. So weird… but whatever.” And to be clear, if I knew he was always 15 minutes behind me, or if he had texted me when he was close I would have unlocked the door. Or hell, even if he had said “You know, it’s just a pain to dig out my keys.. would you mind leaving the door unlocked in the evening” … I would have. But it turns out that he went with “don’t say anything for 6 years, start fucking your 25 year old coworker, scream at wife about how she is so inconsiderate and insensitive to his need to not have to use his keys”
Wow I wish I knew that was a legitimate reason to cheat! I always lock the door now but when I lived with ex I didn’t unless it was late at night. I used to get slightly annoyed at him when he knew I went grocery shopping and he locked the door. Of course then I usually had my hands full of groceries and it just seemed inconsiderate. We lived at the end of a dead end street in the woods so I would bust his balls and ask him what was he afraid of “that a bear might open the door and let himself in.”
Since our younger son compulsively locks every door behind him I also used to joke that he got the locking door gene from his dad. All in jest mind you.
By your ex’s standards I was justified in starting up an affair of my very own! Who knew!
“But it turns out that he went with “don’t say anything for 6 years, start fucking your 25 year old coworker, scream at wife about how she is so inconsiderate and insensitive to his need to not have to use his keys”
He’s a delicate flower isn’t he?
Oh my! Now I think I can understand his infidelity. Thanks CAGal. I was squeamish about killing spiders. My asking him to kill the ugly, hairy, eight legged freaks drove him to fuck other woman. It all makes sense. Oh, and I locked the doors too and it pissed him off. Doors and spiders. Our sins, may we bear them well. My favorite quote, “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” Good old Al Einstein.
A man who loves a woman wants her to lock the doors because he wants her to be safe. A man who feels victimized by her act of self-care and responsibility puts his own ego and need for centrality ahead of her safety has a black hole where the heart should be.
That’s it right there.
Any considerate spouse WANTS you safe, but him? He just wants everything to be easy. As he cruises through life, doors should open (and legs should part), and if you loved him, you’d put yourself in danger’s way, just so he can have it super easy.
Man, they are SOOOOO self-centered! Not good life partner material, for sure!
“He just wants everything to be easy”
This is possibly the most succinct phrase to explain my STBX. He is in a constant state of agitation and frustration because the world does not literally revolve around him. He hates that he has to share the road with trucks. He hates that he has to wait to make a turn because someone is walking the cross walk. He hates that he has to unlock the door. He hates that he has to wait for a mother to help her child into the car seat.
Before I took over all the bill paying, I would sometimes ask him “Hey – did you pay XYZ, cause I don’t see that it went out of the account”. He was “working” (always) and would say “I don’t know”. And when I pressed the issue (well I need to know… do I need to pay the mortgage), the “I don’t have time to look and I can’t remember and I am working now” rage would start. Because looking to see if you had paid something require a modicum of effort and that’s not easy.
My Dad once said that he seems to resent having to be an adult… but I think that this is more to the truth. He hated anything that was not evidence of the world revolving around him and “easy”. He said that was what drew him to his AP. It was “easy” with her. Well of course it’s easy douchebag. You don’t fucking live with her or have any responsibilities with her. Plus she’s quite literally your whore (i.e. money changed hands.. they called it “did consulting for the company”). Whore knows enough not do anything to knock the gravy train off it’s tracks. She may be kinda dumb, but she know where her bread is buttered.
Resent veing an adult and accountable. Perfectly said!!!
This here comment killed me dead!
Hi CAGal. First wanted to say his problem with your locking the door is COMPLETELY FUCKING NUTS. Wow. I live in a super safe small town and I reflexively lock the door whenever I come home. And to use that as an excuse to cheat…like someone else said, once you think you’ve heard it all, along comes an even more whackadoo cheater.
And then this in your post totally struck me because I had the same exact thoughts about The Entitled One’s bizarre behavior: ““He’s really got some anger issues because I’ve never seen a person get so upset about having to use his keys. So weird… but whatever.””
There were so many times when he withdrew, shutdown, simmered in resentment, over something seemingly innocuous. I’d explain it away like you did, that he had anger issues, he was moody, that was weird, whatever. Then after the final D-Day, it all came pouring out … how “the other women he went out with” (still claiming they were just “good friends” he shared the intimate details of our marital troubles with and wanted to bang but couldn’t because he was married) were more supportive and more fun and appreciated him when I obviously didn’t. One of the things on my list of Shit-I’ll-Never-Do-Again is rationalize someone’s crappy behavior as “their issue” and not confront them. If someone is a part of my life and repeatedly behaves in shitty ways, I’m confronting so that we can either solve the problem or go our separate ways.
CAGal, just tell people, “I didn’t particularly like his girlfriend” and say it with a smile. No need for anything else. It’s straight to the point. You need not lie or cover for him anymore.
Don’t beat yourself up about the email. Most of us were a mess when we discovered the affair (and months that followed). The key is to learn from it and move forward with that knowledge. Your ability to learn from your mistakes is what separates you from your cheater.
I know 3 years from D-Day may feel like a long time to you now, but that’s approximately where I am. And you want to know what email I’m embarrassed about?
…The email that I sent to my ex’s sister and parents, three months after D-Day, while the affair was still ongoing. I pleaded with them to “help” her and “focus our efforts on taking care of her.” I said that she “didn’t know what she was doing.”
Pathetic. Mortifying. Cringeworthy.
My wife was fucking another man, and I was trying to be understanding and “help” her get back on the right track, asking her family to talk to her about drinking less so she didn’t black out again, telling her family that the problem was different life goals…and NOT their sister/daughter’s lack of human decency.
If I could take that email back, I would.
But, that’s not life. We don’t get do-overs. We have to do the best with the choices we made.
Keep on moving forward, and you’ll be fine.
Venessa, after D-day, I told told STBX’s family, via email, only that we were divorcing. STBX followed up and told them he had cheated. Later, his sisters and step-mother asked me what happened and I told them the gory details.
I never heard back from any of them until last week when step-mother emailed me that my anger was too much and that STBX was generally a good person with just this tiny little problem.
I realized that I am never going to please anybody in that family. I don’t give any fucks.
After twenty years, they point fingers at me for writing the gory details? Fuck ’em. I’ll tell anybody anything or not. It’s up to M E and that feels terrific.
Hang in there. It gets better. SO MUCH BETTER!
fuck yeah! I would have done the same thing, Vanessa. Instead, I made multiple posts on cheaterville and other websites, using his full name. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. My only concern is that not everyone will google his name to see it, lol
MB, me too! I love that Annie Lamott quote, “If you had wanted me to write more warmly about you, you should have behaved better!”
I sent single Facebook messages to each new woman my ex cheater added to his page. One by one the women would dissapear. They never responded to my messages. I really wanted revenge, but I also wanted to warn others. He’s a compete pycho path. Yesterday he texted me from someone else’s phone. I was NC for almost a week. He said..I don’t know what’s going to happen with us. I love you ,I always will but I’m not in love with you. Then he proceeded to tell me how bad he had it . No food. Nobody to spend his birthday with. Said he was depressed and felt like a loser. Ugh yes. I gave him kibbles. But only in the form of “then get off your ass and go to work and be a better you” . He then said” I wanted to come back home but you won’t let me. ” I have to admit I found it amusing. I’m practically on the floor in a pile since finding out about his psychopath lifestyle, and hes,wanting to play games. I called him on it. I said ok. Come on home. I knew what he,would say. Then he saidit..” I can’t right now I still need to work on myself” just promise me you’ll be there when I’m ready”. And that he wanted us to be normal again.without all the drama. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself . Yes I wanted to win in this. Have him crawl back. Only to kick him in the teeth the way he did me when he did these acts. Because I know ,absolutely know, I’ll never want him back. I would have him arrested if he ever showed his face at my home again. I am still pining over who I thought he was. But when i talk to my friends about him, they reinforce that I was dealing with the devil himself. And this site! CL..I don’t know what or how I’d of gotten by without it. I left that last statement he made hang in the air. Then I blocked that number as well. I only toyed with him for a second,knowing he is in another state. But it has had me reacting all day. Now I feel fear. I’m sure I’m safe..but that’s the importance of NC. It truly did drudge up things I thought I was begining to be free of. My anxiety has been through the roof today,wondering is he going to contact me again, what if he did something to me but has the message I sent saying come on home. ?!? I was stupid to engage. I got cocky with my progress. Back to chumpland for me . Taking cover, accepting no new numbers let them leave voice-mail. Do not engage! Do not engage! Will I ever learn, the beast I’d powerful .
NC, yep – time to stop giving a fuck. Believe this, do this: http://www.zazzle.com/no_really_i_wish_you_could_t_shirt-235985887831750483
Love it, Dat!! I want one.
Once again, such awesome and great advice from Chump Nation. I learn something here every day! Thank you all. It’s too bad we haven’t heard from Vanessa. Would be nice to hear her thoughts on all the effort that some chumps went through to express the painful messages from their experiences. Hope Vanessa got something out of it.
Venessa –
“have bought into what he’s said and feel terrible regret for having done this. I miss him terribly and don’t know what to do.
How can I stop wanting him back and move forward towards a new life? I am stuck in pain and grief. I thought he loved me. It’s shocking. Like he was here one day and now he’s just gone.”
Easy. Read all the back posts for Chump Lady in the archive on the site! You’ll have a huge laugh, learn a lot, and soon get a good sense of perspective on what’s happened.
Regret NOTHING. The Universe has done you a favour, and in a few short months you will realise this and be hugely grateful.
So, three easy steps:
1) Go No Contact. Google it if you don’t know what it is.
2) Start the work on fixing your man-picker. It sounds like it’s broken, if you didn’t see any warning signs at all with this guy (who sounds not very bright and probably not all that brilliant at covering his tracks).
3) Stay away from dating for a while. Find your friends – your REAL friends. Do fun stuff with them. Do fun stuff on your own. Give yourself time to heal.
Do these three – especially the No Contact – and you will soon find that you aren’t stuck any more, and you won’t miss him any more, either. And you’ll be wiser for next time.
You sound very young, so please don’t think your life just ended. It didn’t. It’s actually JUST BEGUN.
So I met the guy of my dreams, our relationship had difficulties obviously but I was in love, we bought a house, planned our future, went on vacations, had good conversations, had a strong bond…. Then I found out he’d been cheating on me with his ex girlfriend for 6 years, our entire relationship. It was completely unexpected and a shock. I’m fact, he is overweight and I Thought that alone would protect me from him potentially cheating on me. I trusted him with everything I had. I had no doubts.
He would meet at her house and have sex two or three times a month. She thought she had a chance to get him back this whole time (she dated him for 4 years before he met me) so essentially they’d been sleeping together for 10 years. She said she didn’t know about me, I believe she knew something but still believed he’d go back to her someday. I found out he was cheating the same week he was going to propose to me. Thank god he didn’t propose on our vacation like he’d initially planned. I found out the day we got back from vacation. To make things worse, I was a single mom of a 10 year old girl when I met him. So he’s been in her life, she has never trusted him, and now she’s going through this pain too.
Right when I found out in Nov. 2015, I moved her and I out right away. He begged for me to come back and I was a complete mess. The day I moved all my stuff back in he told me to move out again because he realized I wouldn’t accept all of his lies and “his truth” he lied about how long it’d been going on. He lied in counseling so we quit. I could never trust a liar. I ignored him until he answered every single one of my questions by email. The emails are full of excuses, justifications and pure fuckeduppery. He answered the question but his answers and like, wtf.
He treated me absolutely horrible from Nov-Feb. Gaslighted me, blamed me while pretending to take responsibility, emotionally abused me to the point where I felt like Just dying to stop the pain. He turned into a phycological monster, completely fucking over my mind repeatedly. I moved back out completely (I didn’t take all my things the first time) at the end of Feb. He begged me to stay friends so I tried, but then he’d tell me about his dates and other heartless crap, like I nor he has feelings.
He knew how to play me like a puppet. I still feel his grasp but am breaking free. Today I made the Decision to cut him out of my life completely. I know he is already dating someone and they apparently like each other a lot. I shouldn’t care but I think it’s part of the stage I’m in currently.
It seems so unfair that he cheated yet I am the one that fell to pieces. And it wasn’t even only cheating once or twice, it was complete and utter deceit, a separate life of constantly erasing her text messages. He’d tell me that he hadn’t talked to her in years. His phone records showed they texted almost every day since I met him. It is the ultimate betrayal and no matter how hard I look, I can’t find many people who have been through the degree of betrayal I’ve been going through.
Of course, he calls me emotional and crazy, says I can’t control my emotions, blames me for feeling the way I do. He Never really allowed me to express too much emotion during our relationship so me finding out about this literally opened the floodgates.
I know for sure that I’m better off. But we moved to a new place together 6 years ago to build a life together and I realized he is the only person I even know here besides a co-worker. I never built a group of friends. I was isolated away from a lot of my family. I’m realizing how how much he controlled me. All the while being something apparently attractive to me, I was blinded by something and still get that way at times.
My mind had been bouncing all over the place. Partially because of the crazy shit he’d say to me “truth is just words”, ” truth is a core beliefs you shouldn’t have” “there is no right or wrong” (I understand grey areas but this was just screwed up)…among many other things that didn’t make sense to me but I tried to make sense of it. My mind goes from confusion about absolutely every emotion, love, right, wrong, dear…. To a spacy feeling because it seems tired of trying to figure shit out. I start counseling tomorrow (i tried to start months ago but they just pissed me off, i was mad no one can feel my pain. I’m not sure what I can do to get better, not let my mind spiral into confusion when I try to decipher love and trust…. I’m not sure how to trust anyone again or how to even be brave again.
I’m working on becoming the person I want to be and reaching my own goals, and working on helping my teenage daughter get through this and other things. I’m mostly concerned about my next relationship. I’m 34 and wanted more kids, a family, a solid trusting relationship, someone to grow old with. I thought I had that. Now I’m single and terrified.
Any advice from anyone that has been through this, please share. I need support and I don’t have many friends, and again, no one really understands my pain. I cry everyday, sometimes it’s a little sometimes it a breakdown. I really want to be strong and never ever contact him again. We were not married luckily and I’ll hire someone to deal with our home we purchased together. He’s going to buy me out somehow.
5 months into this I really thought I’d be much better than I am now but I’ve never been so uninterested in men, cry so much, or feel so broken still.
Thank you in advance for your support and advice.
Dear Lola, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this obnoxious wanker. It is just mind-blowing to discover such a betrayal – it knocks out all your trust in yourself and other people and it takes time (more than 5 months) to recover from. Hang in there because it will get better. The thing to work on is remembering that there are good people in this world and not everyone is a horrible little shit like your ex. People like that do exist but they are in the minority. You were unlucky to get stuck with him but you are free now. My advice would be to go absolutely strictly no contact with him (don’t allow him the pleasure of playing with your head) and find something you enjoy doing to meet like-minded people – dancing, art, dry stone wall building…..whatever floats your boat. And then throw yourself into that instead. Before you know it, you’ll be thinking most of the time about your new life and he will be taking up less and less space in your head until one day he’ll be gone. Just like the Wicked Witch of the West melting away…..You’ve been very strong already so just keep that head up and keep walking, don’t look back at that worthless prick. xx
Right, Lola, maybe he and his ex will get each other all to themselves now. What a prize, a lying, slimy cheater of their very own. A nice overweight one at that. Yum. I’m not appearance oriented but that makes it even more special in this case.
Lola, us Lolas have to stick together!
This man is a sociopath. He is dangerous. You are very, very lucky to have gotten away from him.
Of COURSE he can go straight into another ‘relationship’. It’s because he DOESN’T CARE. All that matters is his supply of kibbles.
OF COURSE he and his next victim ‘really like each other’. It’s because she doesn’t know anything about him yet. And he will cheat on her as well.
You, on the other hand, are a proper, decent, faithful human being who DOES CARE. That’s why you are feeling pain.
You have modelled the very best behaviour for your daughter by leaving a chronic cheater who has treated you very badly. So you have already won!
Get a lawyer to get him to buy you out. Your ex sounds like the kind of man who will turn nasty at a moment’s notice, so if you can get a lawyer involved and start documenting everything your ex says or does about the house and his plans for it, it will protect you. Is he living in the house still? FIGHT FOR THE DAMN HOUSE, LOLA! You sank money into that; make sure you get it all back if you can.
The other problem – being scared of being single – is one you have to work on. Why are you terrified of being alone? What’s so scary about it? These are the same questions I asked RockStarWife earlier – just what is it about being single that scares you so much? Make a list – it really helps. And then go through the list and think of other ways to manage those problems.
If you keep being scared of being single, you will keep choosing awful men, and you will be stuck with another cheater very quickly. But if you take the time out, do the work, and heal, you are more likely to choose a better man when it’s time to date again.
Be patient with yourself. And come to Chumplady a LOT. It’s a great place and you will find a lot of support.
Thank you Lola! I would fight for the house but it isn’t realistic for me. He put a lot more money into the house than I did, I can’t afford to buy him our, and I would barely be able to afford the mortgage on my own. I will fight for everything that I’ve put into it though. I would love to stay in my home that I love and put a lot of hard work into, and money, but I can’t. He is a lawyer and his father is a judge. Being in the legal field myself, it doesn’t derail me from asking for everything I want from the house, the value has increased a lot over the last couple years. I know it will be a fight unless he just decides to sell and give me whatever it is that I want (I haven’t even thought about it yet). I just know I should hire a lawyer so I don’t have to deal with him, ever again.
I like being single, i’m not scared of it. I think I’m just scared of never feeling better, like I can love so much again without getting hurt. It seems impossible that I can trust again. I’ve never questioned my values, mind, definitions of what I believe in so much in my life. I also just realized it isn’t just the 5 months of abuse he put me through, it’s the entire relationship that I have to recover from, it had its pros but ultimately it wasn’t a very healthy relationship. I guess that will take a while. But I’m afraid I’ll be 38 and not be able to have kids and a family like I want.
I have to unwrap him from my mind and that has been challenging. Perhaps he no contact will improve that daily, I hope?
I’m afraid years will pass and I’ll still be afraid to love again, if I do love again I’m afraid this experience will affect my trust, bravery, etc. I feel like I’ve been so naiive all these years.
His father was/is apparently the exact same way and after his mother divorced she’s been single and damn set on it. She will never ever be in another relationship again, even if she wanted to.
Thank you for your support, I can’t express to you how much I need it. Every single comment gives me a little bit more relief.
Lola, you’ve got this. You are doing everything right.
You know your limitations – check.
You’ve learned that cheating runs in his family – check.
You know that by using a lawyer, it will help you go No Contact – check.
And if he is a lawyer, you DEFINITELY need a lawyer, and a real pit-bull one also, who will fight for you.
No Contact is the closest thing to a magic wand that I know of. Each day you maintain it is like taking a few more steps on your own legs when you have been sitting in a wheelchair. Everything comes back – your confidence, your hope, your belief in yourself.
And don’t worry about the future love and romance yet. If you make that your goal in life, and are scared of missing some imaginary boat, you will be more likely to make a poor choice again, and ignore all the red flags.
There is no boat! So maybe you pass 40, and then you find a good man, and you have a child with him then. Or you meet a great man, but he’s not able to have children. Or you meet a great man, and he has four kids from his first marriage, and suddenly you’re a grandma!
Right now, you need to unwrap your mind from Cheaterpants the Roving Penis – him and his colossal sense of entitlement. One thing at a time.
We are here for you. It’s hard and painful but know it will get better. Thank God you found out early in the game. You could have been 30 years in and bred with this despicable human being. It’s great that he and your daughter do not share the same DNA. I know you have many unanswered questions, some of which you will never know the answers, but in a way that’s actually good. Why carry around his crazy? My wonderful spouse used my kindness and innocence against me, however he is terrified of marrying a person like himself. It’s actually kind of funny, you sleep, socialize with, surround yourself with slutty women to the point were it becomes difficult to interact or identify with women of character.
He is now passed his prime and has a wakened to the fact they were only interested in him as long as he provided the dough.
Cry as much as you need to, get angry, cry some more. Eventually you will get him out of your system when it sinks in what you miss is the idea of the man, not the true nature of the man.
You are right, there is no need for me to carry his crazy around anymore. I’ve been doing it for 6 years. Slowly the light is starting to shine again. I feel completely brainwashed. I can’t wait for the day that he doesn’t cross my mind.
Dear Vanessa, what keeps you hooked on this, is a really personal battle. And that is, because the way he treated you (HIS issues, not yours) brings up a very ancient terror that you are ugly, worthless and not lovable. That is what keeps us stuck and addicted and focussed on him. ‘Please show me with your kindness that I am worth something and lovable!’
It keeps us focussed on him, and it is the worst vicious circle because he CAN’T show you that, ever – he is too damaged himself (putting it kindly here).
Chump Lady has a fantastic article on this https://www.chumplady.com/2012/07/five-things-that-keep-you-stuck-with-a-cheater/
Go no contact, and start doing the hard ‘me’ work which will end up with you being in a much better place, surrounded by people who CAN give you respect and authenticity. If you can’t afford therapy I found the 12 steps programme a real gift in this. It teaches you to take the focus off the other person, and put it onto yourself, and to love and self care yourself in an authentic way. Therapy for $5 a meeting.
Nothing you did ‘made’ him do anything. The man has issues, and he really secretly deep down does not like women at all. Work to get to a place where those kinds of issues (surface charm, sparkles, no real or meaningful connection) just don’t hook you any more. One day, he will not make sense to you at all, and you will have the happier life. It hurts, and it takes time, but it can be done.
Am late to this thread, but want to add that it is important for Chumps to forgive ourselves for these relationships that we got stuck in.
In the abstract leaving a bad relationship seems like a no-brainer. But in reality there is significant neuralchemistry that causes us to form bonds with people. Our survival as a species must have depended on it.
Bully for our ancestors.
But this legacy can leave the Chump feeling as strongly bonded to their Cheater/Narc as we all are to our arms and legs.
Thus leaving a partner can feel like self-amputation.
I’ve been cheated on. I’ve also seen the move 127 Hours.
There are a lot of parallels.
So don’t be stingy on the self-forgiveness, Chumps. Your basic humanness is working against you when faced with leaving a horrible partner.
+ lots and lots NoMoreNarcs!!!! I hope Vanessa is still reading here…as simple as your statement is it is also extremely profound and right on. We’ve all been there and know exactly what she is experiencing…unfortunately for her and all of us…we GET it.
…and, yes, our (to quote you) ‘basic humanness’ is why we go through pain and agony when our (disordered) partner leaves…and why they just don’t…they have no ‘basic humanness’.
I hope you are still reading here Vanessa…
I’ve never seen 127 Hours, but I’m going to make a point of watching it now. Bye bye cheater! Bye bye arm!
My cheater got really pissed because I used “adultery” as the grounds for the divorce petition. She was upset (she said) because in her mind, couples jointly decide to divorce (this was after we jointly decided she could have an affair…. Which of course, we didn’t, but cheaters seem to be ok with double standards with these things). She even had her lawyer send my lawyer a pissy letter saying she also had grounds for divorce (not adultery, just not being a good enough husband). My IC (who is a little too RIC for me) thought she was getting upset because the petition was bringing finality to the situation, but I really think it was because she didn’t want to admit to anyone (including herself) that her affair was the reason we divorced (she wouldn’t have had an affair, she says, if things were great between us). Which is odd, as she wants to stay married, but just won’t agree to my terms before I would even consider the long and threacherous path to reconciliation (ie she signs a post nup, she gets herself some solid IC to deal with her insecurities, she goes NC with her AP and leaves her job). She’s done none of these and been petulant about the post nup, hence the divorce petition.
I think they really hate seeing it in black and white on the papers. When my ex signed the papers stating that he had committed adultery during my cancer treatment, his signature was unrecognisable. I know he signed it because I watched him do it but it was in the tiniest, most cramped handwriting – totally unlike his usual signature. It reeked of shame. I think they tell themselves such fairytales about the whole thing that it genuinely can be a shock for them to see the unvarnished truth written in official papers. There’s no room on the forms for the lying self-justification and spinning they go in for – just the harsh, inescapable facts.
So true, M. Ex didn’t see it but the look of disgust on my lawyer’s face when I told of his activities was priceless. That look is why they don’t like being exposed.
oops. That was meant to be a reply to Chumptitude at 1.21pm on April 4. I guess it’s not just cheaters that suck ….. As I suck a bit at commenting.
FSTL – Yep, cheaters hate when they have to face the consequences of their actions, good job on your fault divorce!!
following
Ok-first of all, thank you! Ya’ll crack me up and really help me see I am not alone ? I won’t go into details, but my Ass-Hat of a husband is a Narcissist, compulsive liar, alcoholic, recreational cocaine sniffer with a taste for internet escort prostitutes. He is a successfull businessman so he can afford his “hobbies”. I knew about mistresses early in our marriage, and he eventually gave them up because as he put it: “logistical difficulties”. He swears his undying love, etc etc, and I thought he had actually turned a corner, but last April I found out about the escorts. I went from hurt to totally pissed off . My inner circle of friends (not family) know and they are supporting me as long as they see that I am aware of my reality, stick to my plan and honor my exit time frame. I have literally invested everything I have and am not going to leave until I get every cent back and then some. We have grown kids, so this plan of mine is part therapy/part hobby right now and it feels good that he thinks I am ignorant. Opposite is true A**hole!! I am now the boss in the family and I know his every move. And when I leave I will have NO CONTACT!! That will kill him because his narcissism thrives on attention. I also intend to throw a going away party: using HIS money I am inviting (hiring) a handful of the escorts he has actually screwed, laying out a full bar including lines of cocaine (I don’t do drugs, but of course I know where his stash is) I am having the party catered from his favorite restaurant $$$ and he will be the guest of honor. He will be blindfolded and tied with silk scarves to a chair…his whores will dance and pleasure him..and he will be alone at this “party” with his 3 favorite things Booze Whores and Cocaine. And I just might forget to turn off the CC cameras…I am looking forward to the future, though I have a feeling my next partner had better have a firm grip on the term “transparency”. ?? Thank you Chumps, from a fellow Chump in Transition!!!
I exposed my cheater because he left me while I was pregnant & started dating other women. I private messaged a few of the women I thought he might be contacting to let them know I was pregnant & felt manipulated by him & that I believed he was trying to hide the pregnancy. It’s a double edged sword to involve other people. One of them called me crazy (not to me personally but she told him that) & a couple of others responded validating that he was a player. And one even gave me insight for something to watch out for as our baby gets older, that he was in it for money (that’s another story). One thing for sure is, he didn’t end up with any of those women. Why make it easy for them to completely disrespect/betray us & move on to the next target? That just gives them more confidence to keep doing it if there aren’t any consequences to their actions. Just be glad you didn’t have a kid with him before you discovered the truth.
Vanessa, honey, he’s using this as an excuse to turn your failed relationship into your fault, not his. People will have differing opinions on whether you should have outed him by email (I personally applaud you because fuck him), but everyone here will agree that the downfall of your relationship was his lying, cheating, and abuse. It was not you or your email.
And while you may want him back now, I hope you one day realize that he’s a sack of shit that doesn’t deserve you. My heart goes out to you, this is a terrible thing to go through. Please go no contact for your own happiness and sanity.