I Feel Stupid for Outing My Cheater in an Email Blast

outing cheater

She regrets outing her cheater by email blast. What do you do when you feel ugly, lost and exposed?

***

Dear Chump Lady,

I caught my boyfriend of three years cheating on me Valentine’s night. When I caught him, he said, “You’re hard to tell the truth to,” then he ran away from me. I phoned him and he asked, “Why are you calling me?” Then he proceeded to go have sex with yet a completely different woman.

In the weeks since, I have learned that he was cheating on me with five different women. (Or at least slept with five different women) in the past year and a half or so.

I feel numb.

Stupid. Sad. Ugly. Lost. And I just want him back. How much bigger of a chump could I be?

When I found out, I reacted poorly and outed him as a cheater in a mass email to everyone we know. He nows blames me and says we could have worked things out had I not done that.

I have bought into what he’s said and feel terrible regret for having done this. I miss him terribly and don’t know what to do.

How can I stop wanting him back and move forward towards a new life?

I am stuck in pain and grief. I thought he loved me. It’s shocking. Like he was here one day and now he’s just gone.

Venessa

***

Dear Venessa,

Your ex-boyfriend is a serial cheater who disrespected you, risked your health by fucking around, and topped it off with egregious mindfuckery.

You sent one emotionally sloppy email blast.

Who’s the bigger idiot here?

Chumpdom is often emotionally volatile. You know what makes it more volatile still? Gaslighting. This whole bullshit that you’re the problem because you’re some kind of Teflon-truth-shield? (I can’t tell the truth to Venessa! It just slides right off her like butter!) His crap that it’s not what he DID, but your potential REACTION to it? That would send anyone around the bend.

So, in my opinion, what you were trying to do in that ill-considered email blast outing him as a cheater, was take back your power and assert some form of reality. THIS HAPPENED! OMG, THIS IS WHO HE IS!

You were reaching out for validation. And yes, to assault his lies. And yeah, probably also to punish him for being such a total ass-wipe.

There are better ways to accomplish these objectives.

Validation?

Trust that he sucks. He slept with five different women that you KNOW of. You have the truth. You’re going to grieve who you thought he was, and all your hopes and future plans. The pain is a motherfucker. But you saw what you saw. That IS the truth. You don’t need to second guess yourself here, or ask for a hundred other opinions. You need to ACT on this information by PROTECTING yourself.

Assault his lies?

Don’t speak truth to stupid. Your ex-boyfriend is just going to manipulate you further if you insist on explanations. He’s going to blameshift and gaslight, because that’s what disordered fuckwits do. And he’ll enjoy the kibbles of your attention.

No, instead you share your vulnerability and grief with SAFE people who care about you, not him. Find other people who’ve been through this, and learn from them. We’ve walked this path and gotten to the other side and you will too.

And in real life, you just open up to those people who have your back. The email is out there, okay, shrug it off, and move on. I hope the result is that a few people have reached out to let you know they care.

Punish him for being an ass-wipe?

His punishment is being him. A creepy little fuck who plays with people’s hearts.

The real issue here is to quit punishing yourself. Stop wanting “him” back. There is no “him” that isn’t a serial cheating, lying, bullshit artist. Get ANGRY. Find your boundaries. Realize that the way he has treated you is UNACCEPTABLE and you did NOT make him this way.

You need to go total no contact for the spell to break. Also, it has the added benefit of denying him kibbles of centrality (which is the best way to hurt a narcissist).

His come-uppance is not your concern. Self-care and your own healing should be your number one priority now, not trying to untangle his skein of fuckupedness.

When I found out, I reacted poorly and outed him as a cheater in a mass email to everyone we know. He nows blames me and says we could have worked things out had I not done that.

Oh yeah, the reason you broke up is because you sent an email outing him as a serial cheater. His actually BEING a serial cheater isn’t the reason you aren’t together. It’s your pesky insistence on the truth.

Boy, imagine missing the awesome opportunity of his “love”! Maybe if you stick around and shut up, he’ll cycle through OW six-through-ten!

Work WHAT out? Those things you’re not supposed to know about? And if you did, shut up about them?

He’s a mindfuck, Venessa. Know your worth. This isn’t your fault. He’s just your average, run-of-the-mill serial cheater who deserves to be dumped.

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freedom
freedom
7 years ago

Vanessa , I really hope that you read this. CL is so spot on. Don’t feel bad about the email. Those that get it and are your real friends will understand and support you. Those that don’t understand are not worth your time.

After letting my x come back after walking out for another woman that he knew for 8 weeks and 10 months of hell and abuse he did the same thing with another new woman.

I was so angry! White hot angry! I logged on to his facebook as him. We shared accounts. I friended everyone in his email, I mean everyone, all of his business contacts, everyone. I posted as him, “I am a lying, cheating piece of scum. I have betrayed my wife again. I have intentionally hurt the one person that should be able to trust me. I am worm slime”.

Meh. Some avoided me and some reached out. It was a lesson in who my friends are. We all do things that are a bit out of character for us when we are betrayed and abused.

This did not cause the end of your relationship. He did that all on his own. He has to find something to blame you for. That is how he justifies to himself his actions and he gets bonus points if you believe him.

Keep reading here. You will recover from this and eventually you will be grateful that he is not a part of your life.

Dango
Dango
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom

Vanessa — the no-contact helps tremendously!!! Every day that goes by you’ll feel better. Soon you’ll look in the mirror and smile at yourself for being so marvelous to go and dump him, and you’ll chuckle out loud at your sheer cleverness for the email blast. Also, do the following to make the next few weeks/months even sweeter — go to a therapist for victims of abuse, seriously, victims of abuse. Do it. These kind of therapists do not get moonie over reconciliation. They will tell you that the problem is in his stinking’ thinking’, for example. Talking to someone about your feelings will ramp up your swift arrival at “meh.”

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dango

Venessa-
VERY Sorry you had to go through the pain of being cheated on but you have found your way to the BEST recovery site possible. Please go through the archives and read, read, read. You will realize that you need to focus on YOU and only YOU. Who cares about what’s his name. Hopefully, he doesn’t live with you but you will come to realize how lucky you are that you didn’t marry or breed with that ass clown. Please get tested for STD’s ASAP, get a good therapist and go NO CONTACT. Yes, the pain seems unbearable but I promise in time it will subside. You will find that there is a vast amount of information and support here for you. Don’t feel bad for sending that email blast that sent your timid forest creature scurrying off into the woods-that was awesome! He’s just mad that it will put a crimp in his image management. Maybe you could use that to keep him from contacting you…….you could tell him that you will send more if he doesn’t stay away. 🙂

Fallulah_G
Fallulah_G
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom

I HEART THIS!

No regrets. I hope you have NONE.*

*Mad that I didn’t think to do the same lololol

Chumpish
Chumpish
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom

LOL. As chumps, we usually take the high road, exhibiting class and dignity. But, every once in a while the rage and shock overwhelm and we go public. No shame in it from this chump’s pov. It was a momentary lapse with extra credit for creativity!

happily never after
happily never after
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom

Bravo! Maybe it’s ill-considered, maybe not. I think it shows alot of b****!

Venessa
Venessa
7 years ago

I can’t stop regretting it. I still want him back and he’s adamant that it won’t work cause of this. I feel like a loser.

Venessa Michelle Johnson
Venessa Michelle Johnson
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Just giving an update. We did get back together after this. He dumped me AGAIN about a year later over text with a picture of him having sex with some other girl – moved to NY without talking to me – then we still got back together after that and he just broke up with me AGAIN after about 11 months back together. I’m officially the CHUMP just missing him and feeling worthless like I didn’t give him enough.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
5 years ago

You are not worthless- not by any stretch. It’s only through your dealings with him that you have come to feel that way.

Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know? He’s toxic to you. He’s sapping your energy and replacing it with negativity and a negative hold over you.

Let him go. Go no contact- and that includes looking at photos and social media.

The way you’re feeling now is a stage, a phase, and you will get through it. The less he’s in your life and in your head, the quicker you will recover. You will regain your sense of self worth. Trust me- as someone who knows and has been through it.

But it starts with no contact. Purge your home of him, then social media, fill your life with new things you like, and distract yourself of thoughts of him with other things (not rebound relationships, though).

It’s a slow journey, but you will get there.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
5 years ago

You gave him more than enough. More than he deserved.

It was YOU who you are not giving enough to.

You deserve so much more than this, and so much more than him.

Try to be good to yourself.

This isn’t about him anymore. He’s opted to be in your past. Let him stay there. This is now about you, and your future, and your happiness.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  freedom

Freedom, your Facebook post whole posing as him made me smile. Some of us wish we would have done the same, instead of being so nice and making things easier for our cheater. Thanks for the chuckle.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

Consider what high levels of deceit it takes to cheat on multiple women at the same time. That’s the sort of character, Vanessa, this guy has. Or should I say, that is how bankrupt his character is.

Diddy
Diddy
7 years ago

Ha! Been there, done that!! I went a little bit further than you Venessa, I emailed all our common friends plus his mistresses family, friends and the bf that she was cheating as well. Did I go all psycho? Maybe. Do I regret? Absolutely not! That was my way to deal with my pain at that moment. I was married for 11 years, with 2 young children. He decided to leave his family for some low class woman. I suffered for a year and a half after my D-day. I cried, I was hospitalized for a week, I wished the worse for him, I fought like crazy for all my rights in court. He told everyone that I’m crazy, and that he cheated on me bc of that (idiot!!), and he couldn’t take anymore. My self-esteem went so low, that I thought I couldn’t be myself anymore. Almost 2 years passed by since the D-day, and this week is going to be a year since we signed the papers in court and I became free of his bullshit! I still have a long way to go, but one thing I can say, I’m feeling great and I’m more than happy that I don’t have to deal with his shit anymore!

Hang in there Venessa! I know it’s hard now, we all know. Better days will come, and one day you won’t remember him anymore, he’ll be nothing but your past =)

ChocLemonGelato
ChocLemonGelato
7 years ago

Hi Vanessa,

Yes, it hurts. And it might even hurt to read CL’s very assertively written response to your letter, but do listen. Tracy is dead right. You’ll read many more here in the comments who’ll support her articulate and her tough-love reply.

Imagine how you’d like to be treated by a loving person, that you’d consider to be your equal in a relationship. Then dump the idea of being with your ex-boyfriend. You’ve described him, and he sounds like a self-centred twat. You just don’t quite recognise it yet; you can still mostly see your idea of him.

Focus on you. What do you deserve?

Hugs xx

Theory
Theory
7 years ago

Before I got chumped and even really knew about a lot of the common behavior patterns that cheaters often take, I always thought it was bizarre that someone could legitimately feel justifiably mad that someone else pointed out their bad behavior – even directly to that person, in private.

They’re basically saying, “How dare you bring what I did to my attention!”. My ex was angry that I made a throwaway reddit post describing my situation right after D-Day, asking for help. She said I aired the situation to “strangers on the internet”. Is that really the straw that broke the camel’s back in our marriage? Of course not.

The sustainable solution here is not for us chumps to reduce our needs further than we already have – instead, it’s for the perpetrator to not engage in this shameful behavior in the first place. But since that line has been long since crossed, we chumps need to adjust, and NOT tolerate the behavior that forces the cheater to criticize us simply for giving them a mirror.

Kfl
Kfl
7 years ago
Reply to  Theory

Exactly!!! If I had to hear one more time “what I did may not have been right but how you reacted to it is was the real problem” I would have thrown his favorite cast iron skillet at his head. (Of course, he would have then used that reaction as being a problem as well). I never posted anything on line even. Friends and even his siblings asked me what was going on with him and the babysitter cuz he would always stare at her and act way too “close” to her. All I did was tell them the truth when they asked.

Peony5
Peony5
7 years ago
Reply to  Kfl

Or “this is the real problem…..I can’t talk to you…..you’re irrational,” like you’re some kinda crazy lady for crying when you find out the “love of your life” is the love of many lives….

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  Theory

They’re basically saying, “How dare you bring what I did to my attention!”. My ex was angry that I made a throwaway reddit post describing my situation right after D-Day, asking for help. She said I aired the situation to “strangers on the internet”.

Just like my cheater wife, I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that your ex was in a facebook/reddit/pintrest/whatever social hookup site fuckbuddy site bragging to a bunch of strangers about how stupid you were and how much naughty fun she was having with everyone else.

It just leads me to believe these narcissistic fuckwits have an irony deficiency.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Lol. There’s no vitamin to take for an Irony deficit. 🙂

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Theory

Agreed Theory. Lack of accountability is high on the endless list of poor character traits of these cheaters.

When I discovered my now ex-wife’s last serial cheating excursion, I told the wife of her AP because my whore promised me she would not contact her AP anymore which turned out to be just another lie. I didn’t do this for revenge but because at that time I felt our marriage/family with 3 kids was salvageable. Dumb-ass I was. My ex-wife then said, “You crossed the big white line by telling his wife and destroying his family, you are so cruel and I want a divorce.” – I laugh at that idiocy now that I am healed.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Bitch is lucky they didn’t draw a big yellow line around the cheater’s and her dead bodies.

Kelly
Kelly
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh hahahahaha Ian, that’s hilarious!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian 😀

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian, so true and so funny! I think my “bitch” said “big white line” because I found out after dday that she was an in the closet coke-head also.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

SureChumpedAlot,

Oh, dear. Of course she was a coke-whore. Way to keep it trashy former-lady cheater. (And I can count the number of times I’ve used “bitch” in the last 10 years on one hand. But c’mon, right?) Glad you made it SureChumpedAlot.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

My dad’s hobby was a dog breeder. A bitch is a female dog and I knew from a very young age what he meant by a “bitch-in-heat.” I was again reminded of the term on d-day. I would have to say that you’re totally appropriate and technically accurate. No one can fault you for just being honest.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Thanks Ian. Your going to make it too. Your time is gonna come. Shit, every chumps time is gonna come. Even the cheaters time is gonna come.

Led Zepellin tune explains it all – “Your time is gonna come.” Great lyrics.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

CL – “His punishment is being him.” So true, especially given how much cheaters suck.

Venessa – You are in the middle of a detox from a manipulative gaslighting scumbag. The only way to get over him is go No Contact, one day at a time, rely on your friends and CN, and keep forging on to Meh, we’ve got your back!

Ian – Your comment made my day, thank you :)!

Dolce
Dolce
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Ok-first of all, thank you! Ya’ll crack me up and really help me see I am not alone ? I won’t go into details, but my Ass-Hat of a husband is a Narcissist, compulsive liar, alcoholic, recreational cocaine sniffer with a taste for internet escort prostitutes. He is a successfull businessman so he can afford his “hobbies”. I knew about mistresses early in our marriage, and he eventually gave them up because as he put it: “logistical difficulties”. He swears his undying love, etc etc, and I thought he had actually turned a corner, but last April I found out about the escorts. I went from hurt to totally pissed off . My inner circle of friends (not family) know and they are supporting me as long as they see that I am aware of my reality, stick to my plan and honor my exit time frame. I have literally invested everything I have and am not going to leave until I get every cent back and then some. We have grown kids, so this plan of mine is part therapy/part hobby right now and it feels good that he thinks I am ignorant. Opposite is true A**hole!! I am now the boss in the family and I know his every move. And when I leave I will have NO CONTACT!! That will kill him because his narcissism thrives on attention. I also intend to throw a going away party: using HIS money I am inviting (hiring) a handful of the escorts he has actually screwed, laying out a full bar including lines of cocaine (I don’t do drugs, but of course I know where his stash is) I am having the party catered from his favorite restaurant $$$ and he will be the guest of honor. He will be blindfolded and tied with silk scarves to a chair…his whores will dance and pleasure him..and he will be alone at this “party” with his 3 favorite things Booze Whores and Cocaine. And I just might forget to turn off the CC cameras…I am looking forward to the future, though I have a feeling my next partner had better have a firm grip on the term “transparency”. ?? Thank you Chumps, from a fellow Chump in Transition!!!

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Dolce

Wow Dolce! I wish I’d had you around to plan my exit!!! satan would be in a straight jacket he’d of been so blind sided!!! Wow!!!! You ROCK GIRL!!!! Go on with your bad self!!!! Hehehehehe!!!! I hope you share that video!!!!!

Dolce
Dolce
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Hee hee, thanks Jeep ? It is true that money cannot buy happiness; though our money is gonna go a long way in schooling him (if only momentarily) that this world is round and the shit you send out into the world will come flying back and hit you in the head! The best part? I will have an iron-clad alibi; I won’t even be in the country when it goes down, everything being set up via paypal and a hired party hostess/escort who will never know who hired her will lead the festivities. The video will be on live feed and I will record it from where I am. I have never been vengeful or wished ill on anyone. This hit me so hard because of my own past; I have survived molestation and rape in childhood, an abusive first husband and I am a recovering cheater myself. That I worked (and still work) every day with living honestly and with integrity…I forgave SO much of my husband’s crap BECAUSE I had been in a similar place-I wanted to believe he could also change and I thought he had started…the universe has obviously decided to teach me once and for all how absolutely horrible it is to cheat. I had my own revelation (and lots of expensive therapy) to realize that my cheating (mostly emotional with sexting, emails, etc, but still cheating-I know ?) my cheating had nothing to do with the men I had cheated on and EVERYTHING to do with my own low self esteem and self image. Fortunately, the men I was in relationships with never uncovered my cheating-and I was usually out the door before they could have. I was a runner… I love my husband and really thought that we had it all, so much in common-but I have now realized that he is a truly different animal than I am. He lacks any empathy or remorse…and it is obvious that his self-hatred and non existent self-control are going to be the death of him. He has had 3 aneurisms, is very overweight, high blood pressure, heart murmur and has just been diagnosed with a degenerative kidney disease. He will end up on a kidney transplant list in 10-15 years as well as dialysis. He is in denial about all this and because of self-control issues, continues to tempt fate. I don’t want to be around for his slow suicide. I am still young enough to get more out of life than the horrors he is offering me. ?

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Dolce

Wow Dolce! You really are mighty! Way to change your life for the better all the way around! Keep fighting the good fight!

Yes, narcs will screw your head around till it all but comes off. I didn’t think I would survive satan. 🙁 Here on the other side of that horror the sun is shining and I am dancing. 🙂

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

OMG-THIS!!!!
“Bitch is lucky they didn’t draw a big yellow line around the cheater’s and her dead bodies”

Total coffee spray out of my nose this morning!!

I love your sharp wit Ian…….

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

😀 Thanks for that chuckle sephage!!! hehehehehehehe!!!!

FSTL
FSTL
7 years ago

I got the “of, it’s your fault” shite after I told the OM’s W. I initially didn’t tell the OM W but then came D Day 2 (after I had told the WS and the OM I would tell the OM W if they didn’t stop contact with each other). I also told the WS to block the OM and OM W from FB. The WS refused. The OM W has told the WS’s mother (she found her on my WS’s FB page) and threatened all sorts of other stuff. All the OM W appears to want is a statement the affair is over, but neither of them will give her that (they just say nothing – which is cruel, knowing either way is far kinder),

Anyway, after being bombarded by the OM W, the WS then bombarded me, telling me it was all my fault, it was now outside the WS’s control and I should “take responsibility for once”. I laughed before telling her (for the first time since I have known her) to “fuck off”. She has taken no responsibility for her affair and the only reason the OM W is giving her shit is because of the affair. Which I accept zero responsibility for.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  FSTL

FSTL – I’m sending you a virtual high five for standing up to your cheater.

Their warp logic is astounding isn’t it? Mine went nuts when I told our friends and colleagues that I divorced him because of his adultery.

He asked me how I dared vilifying him? I responded that his actions simply spoke for themselves and went back to NC.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

The real reason he is mad about the email has nothing to do with you. It’s all about his reputation. Cheaters don’t like exposure because even though most people won’t care, there’s probably a few potential future girlfriends who will be on the lookout against his cheating. Just imagine how things would have been different for you if you had known his true nature three years ago.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Truth. It is amazing how many cheaters love to wear the victim role. OW stalked me and my family for years, even after X and I split and he dumped her. When I finally had enough (after she showed up at one of my daughter’s school functions) I took very firm and no nonsense steps to out her to her church friends. All of a sudden, she was afraid of me! I was told this bit of irony in very solemn terms by her pastor. Boy, was he surprised when I responded that she better be and that I no longer intended to put up with her crazy shit for another second! She continued to play the victim, but I cared not one bit and she no longer overtly harassed my kids. She is still out there playing Joan of Arc , but literally no one cares. Crazy is as crazy does.

Michele
Michele
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

WHY is it that We are supposed to accept all their excuses for cheating? I was drunk, I had temporary insanity, I was just trying to be nice she needed me, it’s your fault you didn’t pay attention to me… And the list goes on and on like a needle stuck on a record! But as soon as We react we get labeled for being nuts! We have probably all done things that are childish in the face of betrayal,BUT the shock and hurt is so devastating Emotions take over, not rational thinking! Too bad. Don’t Cheat !! THINK BEFORE YOU DAMAGE So MANY LIVES and we will give you the same curtesy!!!

Loridachump
Loridachump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Most of us were not in our right minds months BEFORE d-day from all of the gaslighting, blame shifting etc.

Enraged
Enraged
7 years ago
Reply to  Loridachump

Yep. It takes time to get out of that fog.
I hired a PI, I got the proof and still could not believe my eyes. Mr Decent was nothing more than a mask. Underneath, a passive aggressive psychopath.
Now, 4 months after discovery, despite the hardship and the gloom, it feels better without him. Feels so much better to not be Sisif. I accomplished things, all by myself. Before, all effort was spent on his resistance. Pfew! Glad he’s gone! Now I can actually live a bit.

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

What do you think about posting on Facebook: “We are in a year of separation” (required by our religion for divorce).

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

I announced we were divorcing on FB to stop questions concerning the where abouts of ex at social events. I left it up for a day, received many messages, and it was done.I was relieved.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Just my opinion but the less said on social media the better. I kept up with FB but used it mostly to stay connected to a community that did NOT know about Jackass and the infidelity. I found that very helpful. It was a place I could practice being sane and in control when I felt like I was neither.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

“It’s a volatile time. Most of us weren’t in our right heads for months after finding out.” Yep, that’s how I ended up with this ridiculous screen name. I am neither free from my cheater yet, nor am I particularly vixen-like. But in the weeks after D-day when I started reading here, the only things I could wrap my head around were my desire to be free of my new reality and my dispair at feeling wholly discarded and undesirable. So I picket the antithesis of my two strongest emotions and picked Free Vixen to represent who I wanted to be. My post-D-day self was an absolute wreck, but you were right all along, Chump Nation; I came out the either end of it!

PigletWiglet
PigletWiglet
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It actually cannot be used against you in court. The truth is an absolute defense to libel. The ow in my case had a lawyer send a threatening letter because I told her parents and some of her friends via email or private Facebook message.

Honestly, telling people is justice and I would highly recommend it. I’ll be honest that my goal was to break them up (and it worked) but not for me, but so that disgusting Trollop would never be by daughter’s step mother (or more likely her temporary father’s step-girlfriend). This was the most important thing to me–to make sure the truth was out these and to make sure she was never around my kind. It was amazing how quickly they threw each other the bus when they had to deal with the truth publicly.

I don’t think it reinforces the cheater narrative at all. Ok, so a known cheater says your crazy…basically nobody believes them.

SeeingRed
SeeingRed
7 years ago
Reply to  PigletWiglet

I’m with PigletWiglet here. I spent 5 years being cheated on. The last years I hid it from my family and friends. I was ashamed to tell my family and most friends distanced themselves from me if not altogether left. They did not comprehend what it was like to be with a covert narcissist and they were tired of the jaw dropping treatment I put up with. It was the opposite of how they saw me, a strong, ambitious go getter.

So when we broke up for the last time I shouted it from the roof tops. I sent his closest friends the last OW’s (280lb 5’3″ sugar mamma) pic and told them this is what he left me for, her, free trips and room and board, even employment with her. All those fb and IG selfie pics he posted in Hawaii and Vegas while with her on his sugar mammas dime, and all the while holding himself out to be a self made “baller” (his words) in his social media. I couldn’t resist. He has a Huge ego, is a bodybuilder, and I humiliated him big time. And he should be ashamed. He is using her as well, she is far from the super models he claims to date and the opposite of me. But I bet she makes him feel like a god and then throws hundreds at him.

I blasted him mostly for me not just to shame him. To boldly break my silence. And I knew he would have to do his own back flips in his mind to ever want to come back to me for more kibbles. But I know he will still try.

Cindy
Cindy
7 years ago
Reply to  PigletWiglet

Well, I outted XH and whore to his parents and family. Sent chronology of the affair. XH’s sister-in-law sent me a pic she snapped of them while they were at their first Thanksgiving at my newly ex’d inlaws (less than 3 weeks from our divorce). I texted XH that he just confirmed that he’d been having an affair with this whore (he had been selling the “just a friend” narrative to family). Anyway, whore read every text message where I let him know what I thought of the two of them and then I told them that his entire family knows you brought a whore home for the holidays and told them about the proof I sent to his family.

When they got home, she filed an Injunction Against Harassment against me. He filed an Order of Protection. I was told to turn in my guns to the sheriff (1. I never threatened either of them – ever!. 2. I didn’t own any guns – but it stung to have my 2nd Amendment right revoked without due process!). Also, I’m in a criminal database, without committing or being convicted of a crime. I wanted to fight it, but my attorney recommended getting an attorney that has handled capitol convictions as it is virtually impossible to overturn a restraining order in my state! Keep away from the lunatics. This whore stalked me before bomb drop and still cyber stalks me to this day (and yes, she won her “prize” – they are married to each other). You really play with fire when you engage with these nut jobs. If they were sane, would they knowingly sleep with someone else’s spouse?!

PigletWiglet
PigletWiglet
7 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Ok, point taken. This is really crazy. You didn’t actually “harass” them at all. In fact, you didn’t contact her. It’s quite crazy that they can take this that far if there is no threat and especially if there is no contract.

The OW in my case had a lawyer send me a letter that went promptly into a circular file. He also called me to which I said, “this isn’t libel and I never harassed this woman or her friends and family. Contacting them once to tell them about her affair with my husband does not constitute harassment (which is “ongoing contact with no purpose but to harass.”), so NEVER contact me again. And that was that.

I agree with Ian to check local libel laws, especially out of the US. I know they are more lenient in Europe. But basically in the US, true speech is free speech.

Cindy
Cindy
7 years ago
Reply to  PigletWiglet

I did actually contact her once while we were still married. Like a moron, I left a message. At first, I started out being nice, but bordered on begging for my husband. I switched tone and I told her she didn’t need a problem like me – I also called her a whore. She recorded the message. So, harassment is s a series of incidents. I contacted her once. My point is, these people live for the drama. If I were her, I would have taken it on the chin and did my best to lay low, but she used it as an opportunity to make me look like the abuser. All you need to do is open the door a crack and some wing nut will use it as an opportunity to continually kick you while you are down. They do. not. care. It’s the hardest thing ever to sit by and watch someone that has helped dismantled your marriage walk away with no consequences. But, that’s exactly what we have to do.

Idle hands
Idle hands
7 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Oh, but Cindy, she DOES have a consequence. For better or worse, she’s married to it…

PigletWiglet
PigletWiglet
7 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Oh yeah, I agree. Once and then stop. Don’t keep the drama going at all. Tell the truth and then walk away. I’m glad it caused them to fall apart (albeit several months later) and I also moved 500 miles away with my kiddo to keep her away from them. Her dad now visits her twice a month, but I expect that to fizzle to nothing again when he finds his next victim.

Cindy
Cindy
7 years ago
Reply to  PigletWiglet

In hindsight, I wouldn’t have done it at all. It is what it is and I can’t take it back (not that she’s not deserving of the bad press and she is definitely befitting the title whore). I’d just let the consequences of their horrible decisions cause their own problems in due time. No need to help karma along. When I was flipping out over the revelation of his adultery, my friend would tell me that “All will be known in time.”. I really think that it’s the truth, but we all seek justice. So very hard to go through this stuff.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  PigletWiglet

Defamation suits are easy to threaten, harder to bring, and even harder to win.

That said, I wholeheartedly recommend keeping the stiff upper lip in this situation. I, too, had a great urge to out the ex. I talked about it with a friend and successfully resisted. I think if I had done the things I had been planning, looking back on it now I would be embarrassed, and I would have handed ex ammunition tailor-made to fit into his narrative that I was mentally ill and pathetic. It’s enough for me now to trust that he sucks. People who care about me get it and the rest don’t matter.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  PigletWiglet

Consult a lawyer regarding defamation in your country Chumps.

Two words: Hulk Hogan.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

It’s amazing how powerful we chumps are, isn’t it? (Sarcasm alert.) I mean, we have the power to completely control the cheaters’ actions just by being alive. Poor helpless little babies are simply too weak to make any choices on their own.

They don’t want to work super hard to carefully sneak around and ensure they aren’t caught, or to tell elaborate lies, or to get off on getting away with it… heck, they don’t even want to have sex at all, including with us! But we MAKE them do it all when we do things like take care of our homes, kids, and finances, hold them accountable as adults, and even shower! Then we DARE to tell someone about the things they have done? Shocking.

Poor helpless babies. We should be pureeing their food and switching out all of their underwear for Depends.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Hey Ami! Maybe you can fill in for CL when she is off to the Book Launch in May! Love your snark!
Yep, we ARE powerful!

ForgeOn, Girl……..

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Ha, ForgeOn! Thanks! I am having a snark-fest lately, and channeling a little CL is always helpful. 🙂

Glad we can be mighty together. Wahoo!

paigeup
paigeup
7 years ago

I found out on Valentine’s Day that I had herpes. Nice. Navigated through life without an STD until age 48 & my cheater returned home after I threw him out for his spending addiction & then insisted he return so I could care for him ( life-threatening health issue) & his son. I wasn’t to learn he was a serial cheater for 7 more years.
The “him” I want back is only the fantasy he created for me & I wanted to believe. He has been gone for 5 years, but I have to still see him every day at work. I have good days & bad ones, but it is increasingly better over time. Emotionally he will surely slay me if I don’t stay on my recovery path.
Chump Lady is one of the most loving humans I have ever come across. Truth is love. God bless you on your journey & stay close to her & us!!!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

PaigeUp… do you ever think of looking for employment elsewhere? Think how much farther and faster your recovery could go without seeing him every day.

And, sorry about the Herpes… but do know that a GF of mine had a similar situation… went on to meet a great guy who understood and they’re married now and have a daughter!

Thanks for sharing 🙂

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago

CL already said this but I think it’s worth repeating.

Venessa, you said you wanted him back. Who you really want back is the person you thought he was. He is not that person and he will never be that person again. You have seen who he really is and it’s not easy to believe. Trust that is who he really is and go no contact.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

And remember, especially when dealing with these personality disordered fuckwits, once you have seen behind the mask and acknowledged they are a cheater… and they know you will never gaze at them in that same “loving” way… they will never truly want you back… they respect you even less because now they know you will ACCEPT their cheating… and they’ll only seek to devalue and debase you more.

Be glad you were given this information before you married and bred with him.

It doesn’t feel like it yet, but it is a blessing in disguise. Give yourself time and distance. I hated this sentence 18 months ago, but I get it now.

Blessings.

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
7 years ago

I’m divorced years now and STILL fantasize on occasion about blasting my ex in a public way. Don’t be too hard on yourself and please do not buy into the utter garbage that your boyfriend is selling about how you could have worked it out.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

By the time I learned my cheater was of the “serial” variety, he was dead and I couldn’t out him the way I would have if he were alive. If he had left for Susan of Seattle, I would have sent out a Christmas letter that would have curled peoples hair…scorched earth was my plan.

I regret not outing him when I had the chance, but its too late now. My friends know the truth…chatted with a coworker on way to car today…she complemented my coat…deadcheater worked for a very pre$tigious coat company and I have piles of the shit. I told her what I suffered through to get this fucking coat.

But alas, now Im living a fabulous life never mentioning missing him, like ever, people likely think Im either very resilient or a f-ing bitch.

Hurtandconfused
Hurtandconfused
7 years ago

Boy, oh boy…I don’t believe anybody who has been lied to, cheated on, devalued, and discarded by a fucktard narcissist should ever feel bad for exposing the truth—especially when the cheater tries to project his flaws on to the person he betrayed. My XH actually had the nerve to try and tell his parents and our mutual friends I was the one who was cheating! 17 months later, still no new man in my life yet he was involved with his coworker not even a month and a half after he left. The same woman I found out he was secretly “talking” to. I informed his parents, friends, and really anyone who would listen about what really transpired and I’m glad I did so. I’d rather be armed with honesty than deceit. Thankfully, nobody bought into his bs story cause they know my character and something wasn’t adding up!

Now, I get to talk to the courts about his claim that I am an unfit mother! It’s amazing how he always told me throughout our 11 1/2 year Union what an amazing mother I was. Now apparently he thinks I’m shit! Oh well…I just have to look at the source and know he’s full of shit!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

I do think it’s a good idea to tell people, individually and calmly, the reason for your breakup as soon as possible after ducks are lined up. Cheaters are adept at controlling the narrative, and it will tend toward either “We grew apart,” or “Chump was awful, I had to leave/cheat.” This adds a whole ‘nother level of mindfuckery to the infidelity, as a chump is forced to defend him/herself from charges that he/she brought on the divorce. Warning: Some people are going to buy the cheater narrative even if they know the truth, While painful, this does have the added benefit of helping you sort wheat from chaff after a breakup or divorce.

It’s not libel nor slander if it’s true, so stick to the facts: “I caught Whorace/Flwhorence coming out of a hotel room with another wo/man.” or “I found her/his credit card receipts for a cruise s/he took with a boy/girlfriend while I was helping our son recuperate from surgery.”

Britchump
Britchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes. Rather than all that drama just ignore them. Don’t make them the centre of your life make them an irrelevance IN your life.

paigeup
paigeup
7 years ago

P. S. He told me, when I found out about one girlfriend, that he couldn’t tell me about his “friend” because I wouldn’t have liked it. It is always your fault, my fault. And we want to believe that because then we can somehow fix it if we have the control. This was my illusion. The reality is I can only control myself.
This is the “new normal.” It sucks, but what sucks worse is dying to the lie.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  paigeup

The final nail in the coffin to my marriage was when Hannibal refused to tell me the first name of the student he had slept with 8 years prior because apparently as a student, she had “privacy” rights. I wanted her first name, not her GRE scores.

At that instant, I had already filed, and handed him the papers to submit. Done. Over.

kar marie
kar marie
7 years ago

If your spouse is a cheater there is no going back. Found out the hard wat. Almost thirty years shot to hell. But I got my kids and sime family of his and friends out of it. Fuck him fuck his whore fuck her family. Run girl the oain is nit worth it. They are never really sorry onky sorry they git “caught”. And kibbles supply cut by hald. FUCK THEM ALL!!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

No Contact
No Contact
No Contact

No Contact is the path to the truth and the light! It sounds contrary but the truth is you find out more of the truth by not talking to them. The truth is there, right there in front of you, and after the toxins of blame shifting, gaslighting and mind fuckery leach out of your system you will see it. The only way to get there is No Contact.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Soooo true about NO CONTACT. Years after dday and my subsequent divorce I wasn’t ever fully NO CONTACT (I have 3 kids). Because of that – MEH at best was transitory. It wasn’t until I went full NO CONTACT (I still have 3 kids) that MEH was and is consistent to this day.

Of course there were hundreds of other self-love objectives that need to be accomplished but without the ingredient of NO CONTACT your MEH at best will only be short-lived.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

No contact is essential. If you can no longer hear the lies spewing from the tar pit they call a mouth, then you begin to think and remember. You can’t help but relive moments in your relationship. 27 years has given me a lot of moments to relive. I would be getting another cup of coffee in my peaceful, quiet kitchen when suddenly I would remember another thing he did that did add up to what he said, “Motherfucker!” They don’t want no contact because that gives you time to process and no cheater wants their chump to process who they are.

LIningUpDucks
LIningUpDucks
7 years ago

You want him back?! He’s gonna keep cheating on you, gaslighting you, and “not telling the truth” aka lying to you.

Sooo…….still want him back?

chumpetta
chumpetta
7 years ago

My ex did something similar, I found out he was cheating on me when I was pregnant so I threw him out of my house. Nearly two years down the line he still insists that I was the one in the wrong and we broke up because I made him homeless, he couldn’t take me back after I did that –
Hmmmmmm ok!!!

He’s still with the other woman but he tells everyone they got together after we broke up, except I told everyone he knows that he was cheating on me at the time – so no-one believes him. Of course I am to blame for that too, it was me that makes people think he’s a liar, not his lies

I’m glad that I told everyone about him, you probably will too once the dust settles. The reason your regretting it is because your buying into his gaslighting that you’re the one to blame. Go no contact as soon as possible.

Kalli
Kalli
7 years ago

Venessa,

There is one truth that is almost universal with cheaters: they will lie, and lie, and then lie some more. They will keep lying, hoping some shred of their narrative will take hold, cause a tiny bit of doubt. Their only hope is that by continuing to feed you their lying version of the truth you’ll lose the real truth.

Here is what you can trust: if you somehow managed to get him back, he will cheat on you again. You will prove to him that your standards are so low that you will accept a scumbag as a partner. Do you really want THAT life back?

He says you could have worked it out if it weren’t for sending that email? Your answer should be, “No, I could never have worked it out to accept a parade of other women in your life and your bed. I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you.”

Take care of yourself, and remember that the life you had with him, what you thought it was… it wasn’t the truth of who he really is.

((hugs))

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  Kalli

yes, and they even lie about their lies. cheater told me that he had been f’ing the one I caught him with for 6 years. Later he said he’d only been with her for a year and there was another one he’d been with for 8 years. I think he was trying to protect the longer term one for some warped reason – not like it mattered by the time he fessed up to her because I already knew he was a serial cheater. Perhaps they confuse themselves with their lies or they lie about their lies to confuse us even more. Who knows.

Finally realized
Finally realized
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

They get to where they start to believe their own gas lighting after awhile. It’s almost comical.

During wreckconcilation, I asked for the fourth time since DDay, “What exactly DID you tell her about me, about us.” This was minutes after he was waxing poetic about our bright new future, where he was going to “live in the truth” and “finally be the man you always wanted me to be”.

He stared at me for about thirty long seconds, and finally asked, “What did I SAY I said?” It was a genuine question, not sarcasm. Ha ha ha ha!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

One of the biggest sources of humiliation since I learned the BIG TRUTH of his serial cheating is that I really truly believed that I could tell if my husband were lying to me…I told my friends that I could “read him like a book”…oh how awfully, painfully wrong I was – he shoveled buckets of shit my way for years and I ate it with a spoon. I was chumped to an absolute, profound, unbelievable degree.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago

Hey Venessa, First topic: Those cheating people are not ‘men’ or ‘women’. I refer to them as ‘that female’ or ‘girl’ or ‘guy’.or “pig’ or______ You get the picture….See, a real man or woman does not conduct themselves in this manner. Kind of helps work through this process to put that into perspective. & use a different term for them…….Real men & real women stay in their own bed!
Also, if cheaterpants had wanted you to speak well of him, he should have behaved better! Each person’s reputation & behavior is of their own creation. We really have NO part in what another person’s reputation or conduct is, regardless of the poop they shout at us.
(….and I do agree totally with Tracy & Tempest’s comments: Keep it calm, in person, to select few & stick to the facts. But, never try to ‘protect’ the cheater by lying about what they have done! ‘Sing’ when it is appropriate!Truth is like a Lion. It can take care of itself)
Another big ‘plus’ for you: You never married the lying piece of filth! So, run far and fast….NOW! As ‘AllOut’ emphasized——- NO CONTACT!
Now, lace up those sneakers and RUN!!! Forge on all….ForgeOn!!!!

kar marie
kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

My preference is pod people. They are even good enough to be called sub human.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Am adding that to my list of ‘terms’ to use…..Thanks kar marie!

JBaby
JBaby
7 years ago

They’re all the same, Venessa. I caught my ex the first time going to visit his barely-legal gas station cashier gf on his lunch break. I burst into hysterical tears and asked the rhetorical “how could you hurt me?”, to which he responded, “You did this to yourself.” The implication was that if I had not been paying attention (i.e. spying), I would never have been hurt because I wouldn’t have known for sure that he was a lying sack of asshole.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

Ugggh! I would like to see your cheater in front of judge to see if his childish lack of accountability works then.

Aowlee
Aowlee
7 years ago

I got the, “I’m just doing to you what you’ve been doing to me for months…” Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’d been planning a wedding and loving you with everything in me, not fucking around on you with some co-worker slag.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Aowlee

There really is no point paying attention to whatever semantics spill out of their mouth. It’s either (a) designed to get them out of trouble; (b) blameshift, or (c) logorrhea to see if they can distract you from their true character. Cheaterspeech is best viewed clinically: “Hmmm, very interesting that he/she said that.”

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
7 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

What ?????!!!!!!!!!

kar marie
kar marie
7 years ago

Yes I was to hard to tell the truth to as well. So much better after 27 years to hurt me every day call me nasty names and be mean. After all the years of his kindness and never calling me a name ever except teasing or in bed I got it full blast. Blamed for shit I never said or did. He believed that effing whore after only a month of knowing that bitch over me. She lies and cheats to get her way and plays games. I do not. Never have never will. Now when he knows my leaving and no contact is fastly approaching hes nice and kind. Hes been that way for quite awhile now. Im indifferent to him. He hates it. Wants me to move close so I can be as someone here pointed out to me his plan b. Not gonna happen. Im playing nice til the final day and then goodbye motherfucker. She wants him to have absolutely nothing to do with me. No texts no phone calls no nothing. She wants him to erase me from his memory. Doesnt even want him to have anything to do with me even concerning our children. They did not jump on her side and call her mom so she can care less about them. She only pretends about them to please him. The kids only deal with her to see dad and thats waning they have his number. Its sad so sad. The destruction caused by idiot entitled assholes. Hurts so many beyond cheater he/she whore and the spouses. I dont wish asswipe dead or sick but I do wish him the worst of life. They both suck. Shes got a known cheater cheating on her now and he has a convining bitch who will stop at nothing and hurt anybody to get what she wants. They truly deserve each other. The best revenge is living well and I intend to. Shes has him under the microscope and for an big alpha male like him its wont last long. They have broken up three times so far. Me I will stay single and be beholding to no one and for the first time in 60 years do for me. Him hes doomed I have a live and let live ideal. I would never try to change or upgrade someone and I dont want it done to me. Fair and equal partner ship. He wanted the same not any more he wants complete and total control and in the beginning of his torrid whore juice affair he had that. Now sghe rules the roost. Leopards never change their spots. Hope they both get exactly what they deserve. Hes under the impression we will still be great friends on the sly. Let him keep thinking that. Stupid motherfucker.

crue5265
crue5265
7 years ago

Read this book. And one last thing. Molly Harper. It’s right up your alley.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

The Titanic was an incredible ship, glamorous, powerful, and ostensibly beautiful inside and out. But knowing what we do now, do you think anyone wants to get back on that ship and give it another try? Nope. It’s flaws might have been hard to spot, but they were fatal. We can mourn the grandeur and potential of the Titanic, but we DO NOT climb back aboard.

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

At least the Titanic had a band.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

There’s a hole in the boat Venessa!

yo
yo
7 years ago

IMO cheaters should be outed. Why should they get to abuse chump after chump after chump?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

So true. One set of (former) friends has bought my X’s bullshit about “just one eensy, weensy affair 8 years ago,” even though the woman of the pair knows I have physical evidence to prove otherwise (more affairs, Ashley Madison account, etc.). But she doesn’t want to look at it (too unpleasant, donchaknow). They’ve also bought X’s nonsense that “marital problems drove me to cheat.”

Now off my friend list. I will never defend myself to anyone ever again, nor will I allow myself to feel invalidated after the trauma of infidelity.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

Because they can – Using chump-trust for their personal gain makes them despicable leaches. I hate leaches.

Bel
Bel
7 years ago

I outted my cheater on fb and tagged him. What’s that saying-something like if you wanted people to talk kindly about you, you should’ve behaved better

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago

The very first thing you have to do is go No Contact. You will need time to flick that switch of loving him. You are in shock and you are hurt to the core. You need to step back and outside of this for a bit to get yourself in the condition to protect yourself. Trust everyone here that the only way to do this is to go NC. It will be hard like withdrawal from a powerful drug, but you will see all the same you mind clear and the continued hurts out of the way to nurse yourself back from existing to older hurts.

NC, eat, sleep and take good care of you is the first first phase of many phases you are going to have to work through to get through.

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago

11 Reasons NOT to take a Cheater Back (copied from http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159339/10_reasons_not_to_take)

1. The relationship will never be the same.
While it’s true that some people say a relationship actually improves after cheating, we should face that usually it does not. That sense of freedom, of trust, of respect is gone for awhile and may never come back.

2. You don’t have to worry about it happening again.
Cheaters don’t always cheat again, but there’s a decent chance he might. Why? Whatever made him cheat is probably still in his psyche unless he is seriously working on all of his issues. Because he had a choice to cheat. You didn’t make him do it (no matter what he says). Some studies even say there’s a cheating gene. I don’t believe once a cheat, always a cheat, but I definitely believe once a cheat, good chance of being a cheat.

3. You teach your children that cheating is not acceptable.
If your children see you leave a cheater, they learn that this is something that destroys relationships and is unacceptable. Which doesn’t guarantee they won’t ever do it or put up with it, but they will realize it has severe consequences.

4. You’ll save on therapy bills. Because, believe me, you are going to need them now that you’ve decided to stay with someone who strayed.

5. You’ll feel safer.
Not knowing if your man is going to cheat means never quite knowing when you might pick up a venereal disease.

6. You get to keep your self-respect.
If you want to stay with a cheater, you should get to do that and not be judged. But, let’s face it, your self-respect is going to take a huge hit for awhile. Especially if the affair is ongoing, or the cheating is chronic, how do you respect yourself staying with a man who can’t or won’t value you?

7. Things can only get better.
When you stay in a relationship with a cheater who makes little or no effort to change, things can only get worse. When you leave, things can only get better.

8. You’re not taking the “easy” way out.
It’s as difficult, if not more difficult, to leave a relationship, even a bad one, than it is to stay in one. You’re not the one giving up on the relationship, he gave up when he cheated.

9. You need a partner, not a child.
It’s not up to you to “save” him, “teach him” right from wrong, or “help” him get over his cheating habit. He’s an adult and should have done that for himself.

10. You deserve better.
Believe it or not, there are men and women who do not cheat and will not cheat, and you deserve one of them.

11. You don’t need any reason at all.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

Everything in here is true. What really struck me is #5, “You’ll feel safer.” I know I’m probably not the only one, and it may have not had anything to do with V.D., but my sense of safety was shattered. I couldn’t put my finger on it, through D-day #1, but until D-day #2 and for about six month after I was done, he moved out, paperwork for divorce filed, etc. I just did not feel safe. He was never physically or verbally abusive, but I was terrified that he would just show up. I not only double checked every exterior lock, but I started locking my bedroom door and did other weird things to protect my space. It was the strangest feeling to just feel physically vulnerable as if I was walking down a deserted alley and waiting for someone to jump out at me. And I am very use to being put in unsafe situation in my job, but this was something I still find hard to comprehend or put into words and still unnerving to think about.

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Me too Anne…I didn’t feel safe in the world at all. It was crippling. I put furniture against doors for months. I was so happy that my Beau was with me and alerted to even the slightest sound.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

Jeep & Shechump,
I used furniture too. And my three dogs. It felt very odd to just not feel safe. I wonder if chump men feel unsafe as well? Maybe it comes from wondering who this person is that you thought you knew but you don’t and you let them become so intimate with every part of you and yet they are a stranger. The first D-day was on July 24, 2014 and I still lock the bedroom door. I don’t use the furniture any more or feel unsafe, but I did up until February or March of this year. It’s indefinable.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

I think part of it is the realisation that you don’t know this person. You’ve been living with a stranger, in effect. And you don’t know what they’re capable of. Most of us would have said our ex’s weren’t capable of cheating. So now we know they are, what else are they capable of?

It’s also the insecurity that comes from losing your partner- but not in the form of a relationship ending through ‘normal’ means or death, it’s through betrayal. The one person you should be able to turn to, you really, really can’t. And that’s bound to unnerve and create anxiety over safety & security. Both physical and emotional.

Finally, something that I guess may have happened to a lot of us. My ShiTBoX’s attitude toward me changed so much. There was so much contempt, disrespect. In the months leading up to D-Day, I felt like I / being married to me was a burden to him. I felt uneasy, like he just wanted to get rid of me. Like I was a problem that needed to be solved. He was watching dark movies, like Shutter Island which is about murdering your wife, then tell me about it. After D-Day, I kicked him out, but the contempt continued. I was definitely paranoid about the security of my home for a good while after that.

It’s funny, because I’ve never heard anyone mentioning this aspect before, but here are a few of us, going through the same emotions. I feel more normal now. I wish this was a more well-known side effect.

It’s right enough that infidelity is a form of abuse. I really wish I could take civil action against my ShiTBoX and his AP for all the damage they’ve inflicted.

jumper
jumper
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

D day was July 8, 2014, I have lived alone since then. I have no dog (except occasional sitting for DS dog) and have locked my bedroom door since then and I still am. I also bought a gun. I think you are right Anne, we feel unsafe because we were living with someone we thought we knew but didn’t. When you are betrayed like this how can you feel safe? Or trust again. I am with Kar Marie, I am staying single. I am not near Meh, but plan to get there someday.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Anne,

Since D-day I have not been able to sleep without the light on in my bedroom. I feel like a child afraid of the dark again. I sleep with my pistol on the nightstand. My nightmares as of late involve Match Girl waking me up from a deep sleep. When I do sleep, the nightmares wake me up anyway.

LovedAJackass described it perfectly, Venessa. The “searing” pain is gone now, but *only* after I went no-contact.

Thank you Chump Lady and Chump Nation.

Anne
Anne
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian,

Thanks for sharing. I didn’t mention my guns at the ready because I didn’t want to sound like I was really in outfield somewhere, but knowing that this is a shared experience with men too helps a lot.

CN,

Thanks for sharing your feelings on this. I thought about it last night before going to bed and I was still going through my ritual of locking everything, one dog in the bedroom, two roaming the house, gun at the ready. The only thing I stopped doing was putting the furniture against the bedroom door. I guess I’m not feeling as secure as I thought I was. But because of the common experience, feeling more normal.

Thanks again.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian, thanks – glad us gals aren’t the only ones. If you ever saw Paranormal, the first movie, it scared me to death. After X stole my gun so I had no protection and took all his own, I kept having nightmares like in the scene from Paranormal. Where the wife is video-recorded at 2am, in her nightdress and staring down at her husband for the longest time. Really creepy stuff. Those were my nightmares. Last night to my horror! I woke up to a really hairy back and I thought, OMG, it’s my X – sleeping in my bed and we’re divorced! (he had a really hairy back) Thankfully, turned out to be my Great Dane, who is a little less hairy. Hey – why these dreams after 1-1/2 yrs divorced?? Guess I was married too long..

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Shechump, Anne and Ian, I still keep everything locked up – even here in my new home…satan drives by all the time now that he knows where I am. I do not trust that he will just keep driving. I do not trust that he is sane.
When the hell started satan also took all my guns so I was left alone and very vulnerable in that big house. One night four men broke into one of my neighbor’s houses and the police chased them all over the neighborhood…three of them ended up in my back yard! I shutter to think what could have happened…and I had nothing to defend myself with. Beau’s barking is likely what kept them out until the police picked them up. Dogs absolutely do rock! satan was constantly breaking in at odd early morning hours and I would wake up to him standing over me, picking me up out of the bed and dropping me on the floor and running away laughing…sometimes he would lick me before he dropped me…he is demented. When everything you think to be true proves to be a lie…its hard to be sure of anything anymore. The fear is a by product of being used and abused by these disordered monsters.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Anne

Anne – thanks but I am still very conscious of my safety and keep my dogs around me at all times and I always have doors locked. I like storm doors. Lets the air and light in but I can lock it. I’m almost as paranoid now as I was then. Being single in a new neighborhood. Everybody knows I live alone, but it’s a nice neighborhood. I’ve made it very clear to every worker here, and in the neighborhood, that I have a dog that cannot be walked in on. (I omit the dangerous-word, but a 190# Great Dane barking at you thru the storm door would give anybody shutters to ever come around here uninvited.) Of course, I’m Big Dog Bias, for this exact reason. Always had Danes. No guns required. Chiwawas will also do an awesome job of barking at strange ppl at the door. hehe

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Jeep

I agree – a dog is the best defense for hearing odd things in the middle of the night. I was thankful I had 4 great danes around me in my bedroom, two on the bed, that could hear any noises. They helped me get thru that scary time until I got all the locks changed. DOGS ROCK! For defense. (and, interestingly enough, even the odd cat)

Jeep
Jeep
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Four great danes!!! Hehehehehe! satan would’ve wet his pants! What a great line of defense! 🙂

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

Try this one too (shameless plus for article I wrote on DivorcedMoms) http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/9-reasons-staying-with-a-cheater-is-worse-than-being-alone

JackiesDone
JackiesDone
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Great read! Plaster it all over the internet! Cheating is not acceptable.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Excellent! I wish everyone could read your article within 24 hours of D-day.

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  JackiesDone

Thanks, this is awesome! 🙂

Char
Char
7 years ago

When I found out about my cheating husband, I got on the phone to every relative (his and mine) and mutual close friends and tell them what had happened. After a week of blowback from all the above listed family/friends, he had the nerve to tell me that I’d sabotaged any chance for “us” by telling everyone what he’d done and also by hiring an attorney to explore my options. My fault, not him or his four year affair.

When you read it in the cold light of unemotional day – it sounds as insane and ludicrous as it is. But when you are dealing with a manipulative cheater – they can make it sound like the gospel truth and shift that blame right onto you. Because there’s one thing a cheating narcissist avoids at all cost – and it’s taking the blame for anything. It’s their kryptonite. And they die if they have to be exposed.Be glad you only had 3 years and no marriage/children in the bargain. You can get away clean and just keep living your life. It may take a while – but really – you need to say good riddance to bad rubbish and get as far away from that asswipe as you can. He is not worth your time investment. Good luck.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Char

Ridiculous. I also told all of our immediate family (including his mom and sisters, who were horrified) the morning after D-day. My ex was ticked off and claimed this was between us and I shouldn’t have blabbed about it. Had I not been halfway to hysteria, I would have pointed out that the minute he brought a third person (or rather, several third persons) into the equation, it ceased being “between us.” It’s neve about the principle with cheaters, it’s about what is convenient to their narrative in the moment.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Venessa,

So sorry he hurt you he sucks.

I wrote a few texts and emails to third-parties after my STBXW cheated on me. The only reason I regret writing those messages is because I weakened my legal position. Emotionally? I feel fine.

Venessa, your situation sounds different. You don’t mention if you’re living together, or if you share finances. The most important thing now is no-contact. You can agonize over the mass-email once you’ve extricated yourself from that cheater.

As mentioned above, defamation laws vary so be wary! But, I’m fine with telling people the truth. Hopefully you have him in-writing admitting he cheated. He will try to spin it down the road. Not enough of a reason to break no-contact though. Just get as far away as possible. Yes, it hurts. So sorry, Venessa.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Venessa, No you couldn’t not have worked it out as this cheater claims. He was porking 5 other women and who knows how many others that you don’t know of. There is no working this out, he is checked out and I wonder if he was ever really checked into this courtship to begin with. I mean really? 5 women and possibly more. Aren’t you concerned of the STDs he can give you? your health? And if he’s sleeping other women, he’s spending his money, time and energy on them and not on you. And when he’s doing them, he’s certainly not thinking of you.

He’s a louse and a huge coward for blaming you. Your reaction is quite mild actually for what he did. In fact, it’s too nice. I would have gone ballistic and would have done far worse. And from now on, be nice to those who are nice to you first. This guy was an asshole to you, and deserves to have the same courtesy returned to him. He’s a jerk.

Chipmaker
Chipmaker
7 years ago

Pay attention to his actions, not his words. Words are wind. Actions do not lie.

Chumpion
Chumpion
7 years ago

Venessa,

Every outed cheater should thank their lucky stars that their chumps don’t fly off the handle. Extreme vengeful behavior, whether physical, shaming, etc. does not help, but what you did is jay walking compared to the all out felony committed against you. Cheaters love to call you out on the small human infractions to smoke screen their flagrant crimes. They are just waiting to fit you into the narrative that you are the unreasonable one.

The rage that comes from being gaslighted (gaslit?) with for years is huge,

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Even No Contact is held against us. “Let go of your anger! Forgive! for the sake of the children!” If you have made a cognitive decision that the cheater is a person lacking in honesty and integrity, so you don’t want them as a friend, people judge you for being bitter. Being a chump is often a lose-lose situation; you only win by escaping and then narrowing your social circle significantly.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

True Tempest. I think the worst happened a couple months ago when some well meaning dad at my kids activity gave me the you should be friends because it is better for the children speech. I just looked at him and said “No, I’m good.” The poor chap persisted in his story of how he and his ex are such great friends and how great it is for their child. I couldn’t help it I had to let it go so I just calmly looked at him and said, “The man tried to kill me….twice, exactly how do I go about making the move to be friends with someone who would do that? Go ahead, think about it and get back to me.” Can’t imagine why our conversation ended after that.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Great response, AllOutofKibble! Hard to argue with “He tried to kill me twice.”

I’ve had two CHUMPS, of all people, tell me to let go of my anger (my aunt) and make friends with my X for the sake of the children (a friend of a friend). Let’s just say neither one will make those recommendations again. I was tactful (mostly) but firm.

I’m trying to memorize this Aristotle quote the next time the issue crops up: “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

Tflan386
Tflan386
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Great stuff, Tempest. Have printed that quote and put it on my fridge.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Five caveats? Mind-blown, Aristotle.

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

All out of kibbles….when anyone wants to bring up the “be friends for the kids crap” I always remind them that I was forced to have a full panel STD test and a F*CKING AIDS TEST because of him. Maybe it makes people uncomfortable, sure, but it sure does make them think. You can’t be “friends” with people who literally put your life in danger.

Many times people have said, “You needed an AIDS test?!?! Was he sleeping with men?” I don’t imagine he was, but a cheater is a liar, so he very well could be lying about only having an affair with one woman. Meh.

donna
donna
7 years ago

Your hard to tell the truth to. When your in a relationship with someone for three years and they make that statement you may interpret it as his inability to TELL the truth. You told the truth in your emails.

The truth is you were with a serial cheater and I would suggest getting tested for STD’s. The only person responsible for cheating is the cheater. You know he has been cheating for a year? If he admitted to this you can be assured he has been cheating since day one. Its a lack of character and it defines who he is and has been since you met him. Valentines day just adds insult to injury. In my opinion he is a narcissist because he wanted to maximize your pain.

At this point you need to go no contact. If you are living with him throw him out or move. Ask yourself what he was getting from your relationship. Typically, serial cheaters are users and takers. Were you providing financial support? Cut him loose and trust he sucks.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Venessa- I feel your pain. Your cheater blaming you for the demise of your relationship is preposterous. This is common practice right out of the cheater Fuck-Book, chapter 1, paragraph 1.

“Yes your honor, I know I was drinking and driving – yes I know I blew a .24 – yes I realize I ran over a pedestrian at 2am in the morning and permanently disabled this person for the rest of their life. But your honor, blaming me for this isn’t going to fix the person I hit. Why was that person out at 2am in the morning anyway?”

BLAMESHIFTING & LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY = REALLY SHITTY CHARACTER.

You deserve much better Venessa. Stick with the facts…he is a heartless cheater that does NOT love you (sorry to be so abrupt Venessa). You must go no contact and start to heal. Big hug for you!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago

Venessa,

Regarding your statement: ‘I feel numb. I feel stupid. I feel sad. I feel ugly, I feel lost,’ I can relate to all of those things with both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend (post separation from STBX). My STBX is an abusive cheater; my ex-boyfriend, who was called a ‘Nice Guy’ by virtually everyone who knew him and seemed warm, consistent, trustworthy, and generous for 30 years literally overnight revealed himself as cold, flaky, dishonest, and selfish.

(I think that it is not uncommon for chumps and other mistreated partners to shoulder the responsibility for the demise of the lop-sided relationship. Please keep in mind that it is much easier to blame a partner for anything going wrong than to acknowledge responsibility. Cheaters’ and abusers’ default behavior is blame-shifting. After years of knowing someone, you reasonably got used to trusting your boyfriend. No wonder you feel lost now. You learned, suddenly and traumatically, who your boyfriend was–someone far different from the partner you thought you had. I went through the same experience. I felt as though I had been hit by a semi, stabbed in the heart, and pushed off a cliff, first by my husband, who vowed to defend me for life, and then by my boyfriend, who I thought was my friend for 30 years and I trusted more than anyone in the world. The betrayal is like the abandonment of a toddler his parent. It violates the ‘code’ that we believe rules civilization and threatens our security in the most devastating way.

Forgive yourself for having real or merely perceived imperfections. When you’re a chump, self-blame is often a knee-jerk reaction to blame of any kind. Your imperfections, real or perceived, did not cause the betrayal or poor treatment of you. I often blamed myself for getting into the relationship with my STBX and my ex-boyfriends (not heeding red flags before I physically and emotionally invested in the relationships) and acting too needy (e.g., crying on my then-boyfriend’s shoulder too much when I was hit by tragedy (death, disability, etc. of family members). I may have leaned on him more than I should have but doing so was far from a mortal sin. (As a typical chump who puts my partners on a pedestal, I begged for forgiveness and told him that a lot of problems were resolving and I was learning to manage many of the other problems, problems which I had not caused. I tried to ‘sell’ him our relationship, which I thought was wonderful.) Instead of shouldering all the blame now, I think that he should have said something about not feeling comfortable with my behavior at least ONCE in the previous 365 days before he dumped me. But you know, the unfaithful, uninvested, and selfish don’t ‘do’ communication and aren’t comfortable with the feelings of others, unless those feelings are akin to admiration of the first aforementioned party. They would rather run away than work out anything, even if the payoff to developing a relationship in a deep, authentic way is a happy, very fulfilling life.

Regarding your statement: ‘I just want him back,’ I can also relate to those sentiments with both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend, You, I, and all other chumps have been hit by horrendous news, the news that the one we loved most would betray us. We were blindsided by the betrayal and/or abandonment and cruel treatment. We don’t want to believe that our ship has sunk, our life preserver has gone down with it, and we now need to swim to shore (half way across an ocean). What we want back is not our partner and our relationship with that partner, but who we thought our partner was and what we thought our relationship was. (Although I am not a gold-digger and neither expected nor asked my boyfriend to support my kids and and me, I do miss the comfortable lifestyle that I briefly shared with him. I often feel jealous of my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and envious of their lifestyle, which is much more comfortable than mine and my kids,’ but I remind myself that girlfriend probably gets the negative facets’ of my ex-boyfriend’s personality and other flaws of his.) I think of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend as a ‘beautiful mirage’ as I was the only one who thought that we were both in it and committed to each other. Unfortunately, the beautiful mirage, which was really turd completely covered by colorful sprinkles, caused me horrendous emotional and physical pain. The behavior of the unfaithful and the selfish is not ok, but I keep telling myself, ‘I will be ok; it (life) is ok,’ so that I don’t feel as though I am constantly dying a very protracted and painful death. (My ex-boyfriend left me six weeks ago. I feel as though only six seconds have passed as I have been in shock. I think that I may be a slow healer.) We don’t deserve to suffer this way and to this extent.

If you are suffering as much as I have (unable to eat and sleep, even suidical), I urge you to consider high-quality psychotherapy sooner rather than later. You will benefit from ’emergency (emotional) first aid.’ If I could go back to the time I was hit by the first emotional tsunami, D-Day #1, almost two years ago, I would have invested in excellent, weekly psychotherapy (which I thought I could not afford). I would have had to pay more than I felt comfortable paying, but accepting life-enhancing treatment might have prevented me from investing in the relationship with my ex-boyfriend and thus spare me a lot of pain. I wish you quick recovery from this blow and a wonderful life!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStar, I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve so much better than what you have received. I relate to your story so much, as both you and I have ex’s who are especially grandiose in their delusions. I know it’s not much, but I am sending you as much positive energy and virtual strength as possible. Hang in there.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife,

You sound much better today. Glad you’re feeling just a little bit better.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Thanks, Ian. You and all the members of Chump Nation are my life preserver! Hope you are doing well.

kar marie
kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RSW I know how you felt and feel I thought about suicide every single day for about a year it hurt so bad it still does. But I never followed through my sister in law asswipes sister who is also my great friend and went through the same thing was my savior and angel. Every time I considered it I saw my three kids faces and unlike daddio who checked out on them emotionally I couldnt leave them behind in the aftermath. I had hoped their asshole dad would come to his senses and pay more attention to them. Currently he is paying more attention as he and whore juice have broken up yet again. Everytime they breakup he pays more attention to his own kids instead of that whore involving him all up in her kids. My kids are aware when the lovebirds break up cause dad starts texting them out of the blue. So very very sad. But its who he is and all of them stopped vying for his attention when he was obviously ignoring them. Where I talk or text with them daily. And I dont tell him that. He gets mad I know all about them and he doesnt his fault for ignoring them. But I felt that way every day for a least a year. My daughter hugged me and said mom I love my dad but hes never even tried to be close to me. He does now like whore juice does with her kids spend money on them. Figures money will buy forgiveness. She told me I always gave her what she wanted love devotion and my time and thats means more to her than his damn money especially since he was always so cheap til whore juice came along. She sees right through him. And she sees right through the whore. She told me she deserved a better father than him but loves him anyway. Great provider but not emotionally avaliable she will now she see him when and if she wants. That she deserved better than him and more importantly so do I. Shes quite a woman my baby girl. Take heart rock star wife its better to be with your own good self than with anyone not worthy of you. I will forever remain single I won’t be fooled again.

Christina
Christina
7 years ago

Venessa,

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I don’t blame you one bit for blasting the truth via email to his friends and family. I wish I had done this the very moment I found STBX was cheating. I didn’t, because at first I was protecting our privacy as a couple because I thought we could work things out…and then later on, after a year and a half and numerous D-Days when I filed for divorce, I was afraid no one would believe me. It’s now almost two years since I filed and I still have not outed him. His mom knows the bare details and supports him. My family and friends know…but I’ve never reached out to any of his friends and extended family. I still worry they won’t believe me because I found out along the way he’s been playing character assassination on me for years, even pre-affair…and I don’t want to feed into the narrative anymore than he’s already spun that I am emotional, unreasonable, crazy, etc. It’s so unfair. I’ve had many moments where I’ve wanted to blast him on facebook, or forward some of his love letters to MOW to “Team Cheater” etc…and sometimes I have to literally sit on my hands to not do this. Anyway — I don’t blame you for getting the truth out there. Good for you. In fact, I’m a little envious I don’t have the guts to do the same thing. 🙂

One thing I have decided though, is once my divorce is final, I do plan to write a brief, cordial letter to his aunts and uncles and a few close friends who were in our wedding (none of whom have reached out to me since hearing of the divorce) and tell them simply that Ex had an affair, I stayed with him for a year and a half and tried to work it out with him, took him to counselors, took him back several times, etc., but he ultimately chose to leave, and he is still with her. (she lives in another part of the country, and I’m guessing the plan is to not shop her around to family and friends until the divorce is final, so he can tell everyone they got together after the marriage was over). I won’t editorialize, and I don’t plan to hear anything back from Team Cheater. But I do think I have the right to stand up for myself by speaking the truth. I also plan to keep copies of the letters for my son for him to see someday if he so choses (he’s only 4 now) so he can see his mommy did stand up for herself once she felt it was appropriate, and he’ll know who, if anyone, from his Dad’s side showed any interest or concern in the truth.

In the meantime, every once in a while, I “share” or like a CL post or share an article on surviving infidelity or dealing with a narcissist (without personal commentary) on my Facebook page. I’m still on there with some members of Team Cheater. Who knows if they see this or not, but its my subtle way of saying hey, this is what happened.

Hugs to you…

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Christina

Christina,

I hope you have investigated whether a fault divorce is an option in your locale. Adultery can factor in a divorce settlement and custody agreement. Keep your powder dry for the right battles, but post-divorce let him have it with both (metaphorical) barrels.

Kibbles and cake are different post-divorce. My understanding is this: cake means the cheater gets to keep having sex with the chump. No sex = no cake. Kibbles post-divorce only relates to child custody. No shared custody = no kibbles. Does this sound right to other Chumps?

I am starting to think it’s fine to truth-bomb a cheater post-divorce. (Again, depending on your country’s laws. I’m just talking U.S. for shorthand purposes here.) Who cares if Cheater gets a contact-high perverse-pleasure buzz? If a Chump gets a strategic advantage then I’m all for post-divorce Cheater-character assassination.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hmm, I would say that cake post divorce means major supply to the ex, including sex, having him/her over for dinner or otherwise pretending to still be a happy family, making “nice” at family occasions, etc. Kibble is any form of attention, so very difficult to avoid if you are unfortunate enough to have to co-parent with one of these disordered fuckers.

Tflan386
Tflan386
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Get a load of today’s news that Ben Affleck is moving in beside estranged wife Jennifer Garner house. Jennifer, give your head a shake – how many more kibbles can you throw at Ben? Chump Jennifer has no idea that cheater Ben will be entertaining future conquests within 30 ft. or so, of the matrimonial home. A story that will not end well for poor Jen and Affleck progeny.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I agree with Glad on both cake and kibbles. “Cake” also includes impression management and the capacity to control the public and private narratives (e.g, “Chump is crazy,” when said to others; “It’s your fault” or “you don’t trust me,” when talking to Chump.

Kibbles are dispenses with attention, centrality, and emotional response. That’s why I’m so adamant about Chumps not texting or messaging. Too much instant temptation to fire off a response, replete with kibbles. Those with kids may want the ability to contact the X regarding emergencies but then should NOT respond to anything BUT true emergencies, e.g., kid has a broken bone, not kid lost his field trip permission slip. NO CONTACt and Gray Rock are the goals.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

I think that exposure if their true selves is the thing cheaters fear most. I would not feel bad outing this guy for his shit.

When I found out ex was a cheater, I immediately left him and let all my friends, family, co workers , etc know what he did and what a shit he was. I did not contact anyone associated with him. I never really liked his juvenile acting friends, and never saw any of them without him. Same for his family. Unfortunately, I fell into Wreckconciliaton, so he was never exposed to his group.

When we broke up for good, I wrote a Facebook posting stating it was due to him Dating a whore while married. Someone told him (I had blocked him by then ) and he bitched till I removed it. Hopefully, lots of people saw it. I was accused of ruining his reputation. Not his whoring, me exposing it, ruined his reputation. I do regret not exposing the whore, so no one knows she’s a whore. Like someone above, if I thought she would have been around my child, I would of but she went on down the pike so I decided Fuck Her. I do wish I’d done it though because she is free to spread her whoring on unsuspecting friends. If I said anything now, it would look strange so unless I have cause, like her nasty ass ever being around my daughter, it stays in the vault.

Justine
Justine
7 years ago

Vanessa , my experience was similar to yours – the problem was apparently me saying anything to anyone about him. In counselling he said, “I know I did lots of things wrong but she TOLD people about them!” He was absolutely gobsmacked that I had not shut up and protected his image. Me not protecting him while he cheated and abused us seemed to be the issue, not his cheating and abuse.
Any normal person just doesn’t get this, only a narcissist gets this. What you want back is who you thought he was, not who he really is. Go no contact, it has the advantage of sending the ex crazy as well as protecting your and allowing your to heal. Stay strong!

happily never after
happily never after
7 years ago

“So, in my opinion, what you were trying to do in that ill-considered email blast, was take back your power and assert some form of reality. THIS HAPPENED! OMG, THIS IS WHO HE IS!”

Immediately after DDay I let my adult children and my extended family know exactly what happened. Of course X was pissed and accused me of telling them too much. To which I replied: They need to know what kind of ~~~~man~~~~ you are. Now, I would have replaced the word man with , oh I don’t know, idiot, bastard, monster……He is not a man, just a weak cowardly excuse of a human.

Listen to the voices of experience here. Your job is not to save his reputation.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

After D-day, I knew my then-H had been on adult websites (as well as having affairs with students), so looked to see if I could recognize his profile on one.

My daughter used my computer a few days after that, the website popped up and she texted me at a dinner party that I should be ashamed of myself. No way I was taking accountability for that, so I texted back, “Your father had an affair with a 22 year old.” She has broken off contact with him ever since, and apparently it’s my fault for alienating her from him. Facepalm.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

I would add emotional terrorist to your list hna.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
7 years ago

The disordered types are always angry when their truth is revealed because all they really care about is image control. By sharing his/her horrid behavior with others, you inconvenience the disordered, who now has to make a big effort to redo his/her mask of decency. Most of them are rather lazy at heart, so that annoys them.

After I stupidly agreed to reconcile with my ex, he was actually angry that I had shared my pain with my family during our separation. Imagine, he was angry that I turned to my own family for support after the unbelievable things he had done! He said this would make it much harder for them to accept him again and then added that anyone who would not accept him would have to be “cut out of our lives.”

BTW, I never did a big blast outing of his behavior, never really went off on him, never made a huge dramatic scene despite the mind-boggling level of cheating, mind fuckery and sociopathy he displayed during our marriage and afterwards. Despite that, he still cheated during reconciliation, he still played the mind fuck to the max and he STILL blamed me for everything, and continues to do so to this day. So it really doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. The disordered do not change their bad behavior, although they often learn to conceal it better or delay it for a short time. And they will ALWAYS blame you when things inevitably fall apart, no matter how much it was their fault. So Venessa, forgive yourself, block your ex in every way possible and move on.

Aowlee
Aowlee
7 years ago

Girl, I sent a text to my cheating fiancé’s two groomsmen as soon as I found out and kicked him out, and ended it with a smiley face. He was so pissed off that I outed him, and I’m still proud of that shit! Everyone here is right, though. He will find ways to blame you for his own horrible, destructive behavior, and it’s all bullshit. Don’t believe any of it because people like your ex (and mine, and everyone else’s) only tell lies. And you will make it through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s possible now.

Jayne
Jayne
7 years ago

Hi Vanessa,

I just want to add my voice. Yes, missing the man you thought he was, missing the relationship you thought you had – hurts like hell on earth. It does and there’s no easy route through that pain. Take comfort in knowing it shows you are a REAL person who loves with her whole heart. He clearly is neither REAL (he feigned being in a committed long-term relationship with you, didn’t he)? nor does he love with his whole heart (though he pretended he did, didn’t he)? What you got here is a base animal in possession of a willy who learned some tricks to get other people to play with it – that’s all. Big fucking deal!

I’m appalled by his assumption that you could have ‘worked it out’. Really? Just how far up his own arse is he?

I LOVE that you sent that mass email Vanessa. I’m all for speaking the truth. Fuck him, fuck him mightily. He’s a user (you and at least 5 other women) and a misogynistic bastard. He doesn’t deserve your love, your good regard or your heartbreak. He’s a little boy with a toy and a good line in patter – but zero else of any real human value. Your heart will heal (honestly) but he’ll always be a loser.

Stay strong x

Yup
Yup
7 years ago

Exposure? Leads to closure.

Know what is GREAT about one truth? One truth is stronger than 500 lies. – Buddha Yup.
I believe in precise, limited exposure, told to people who will support you. If they will not help you – screw them anyway…

Never be afraid to tell your truth. Affairs thrive in the culture of lies. I will live on the other side of that fence, thank you.

Expose so family and friends will be able to help you. Not to break up the affair or to affect APs.

Note: I had the “stiff upper lip” on FB – didn’t even mention the divorce until after a year post BD- but a “tipsy” high school friend wrote a post on my wall about his “betrayals” – I left it up there. Even after she apologized for her rant.

No one has to apologize for telling the truth.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Yup

Yup – I love your saying: Exposure leads to closure! You got that right. And I couldn’t agree more with your statement about the truth, and quoting Buddha. The truth is very healing, what hurts are the lies that were perpetuated covertly, hidden and which were exposed. I’m all for revealing the truth, it empowers and makes things right.

Yup
Yup
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

OH! nonononono! – Buddah Yup was a play on my name. I’m not Buddah, he’s too skinny! (that is a joke, too.)

Yup.
Yup.
7 years ago
Reply to  Yup

My years as his main villain, his daddy/daughter referee and his #1 apologist are long gone.

— I was fired from that position. Anyone who asks will be told the truth.

Marci
Marci
7 years ago

My partner is a fellow chump whose ex wife cheated for months with the kids tennis coach and did not try to hide it. Then she convinced him to reconcile for the kids sake and made him sleep in the rec room! Then she wanted him to buy the house next door while she moved her lover into the family home. He finally snapped when he came home one day and lover boy was sitting in his lounge in HIS chair, talking his HIS kids. Fortunately he didn’t slug the guy although I don’t know many men who wouldn’t try.

There are many excuses for why chumps stay with cheaters…not the least of which is the kids. When my chump friend finally got angry and bought his own house and moved away, Cheater tried to tell everyone he had left her and the kids.

Now, 15 years later, I’m on the scene and she is telling people in our small community that I “must have been in the background all along”. I only met him three years ago….so, the mindfark never stops from these lunatics.

I crossed paths with her for the first time recently and someone tried to introduce us. I leaned close to her when she tried to shake my hand and hissed “bad mouth me one more time babe and I’ll let your darling kids know exactly what a skank you were”. She literally reeled backward and got big saucer eyes. I thought she was going to take a crap right then and there. She turned tail and left. I later told her adult daughter to never ever plan anything where we all had to meet. I think daughter gets it, she has a partner who is a chump too.

I’m not a confrontational person by nature but in this case I was willing to make an exception because she was trying to rewrite history and it just pissed me off she was involving me.

Working It Out
Working It Out
7 years ago

To the OP, be glad that he isn’t your husband. Dating is the time to learn who people are. You dodged a bullet. You didn’t lie, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. When I told the people closest to me (including his parents & siblings), I also told them the name of the AP, so that he would never be able to claim hat they started after we split up.

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
7 years ago

You aren’t his PR agent. Cheaters bank on the idea that we will be too ashamed to go public with the news. I think I caught my ex off guard by going public with it and telling a lot of people. He claimed I was trying to sabotage his happiness. Nah, just telling the truth. You want to pretend like it didn’t happen, but it did and we both know it. I’m not invested in making you look good anymore especially not at the expense of my own sanity.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Yeah, trying to sabotage his happiness. They don’t like it when we change the dynamics on them. They want to be in control of the situation, call the shots as they fit. But when the innocent partner comes out exposing their cheating behavior, they don’t like it. They look bad and they no longer are in control of what will happen. They freak out and blame us, for wrecking their plans they were so sure they could carry out.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago

Vanessa-

I am sorry you’re going through this. I remember those early days of discovery and how difficult it was. I also remember how it all just decimated my self esteem.

I stayed with Mr. Cheater McCheaterson for 3 long years of wreckonciliation so I didn’t email blast anyone. I confided in my sister and a few close friends which made him squirm a bit when he had to be in their company. Too bad, so sad!

When we got divorced I had an all out text war with him one time. The whole thing ruined my day and just gave him a giant kibble boost since I was obviously allowing him space in my head. I beat myself up for it but I learned from that mistake, forgave myself and moved on.

A few months later he sent me a “Happy Birthday” Text. It was mind boggling because we hadn’t spoken in months and we weren’t friends. It felt like he wanted me to engage in another stupid kibble fest so I blocked him on my cell phone. I have two children with him but they are both adults so the way I see it as long as I keep the email venue open, I’m covered.

I know its counter intuitive but going no contact is really the best way to deal with this. Since you don’t have children with him and you never married, you should block him from every venue possible including email. Get new accounts if necessary. These wackadoos get off on when you make them central. Just cut him off and grieve the man you thought he was and eventually you will be able to move on.

I wish you speed in your recovery.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

This is so good that I am just going to highlight it again: “I know its counter intuitive but going no contact is really the best way to deal with this. Since you don’t have children with him and you never married, you should block him from every venue possible including email. Get new accounts if necessary. These wackadoos get off on when you make them central. Just cut him off and grieve the man you thought he was and eventually you will be able to move on.”

Tobe
Tobe
7 years ago

Question….most people here found out about the cheating. My ex confessed. I suspected but never accused. He literally told me and then over a week continued to disclose more cheating so he could get it off his chest. Any idea why some cheaters actually tell and then run??

Mehbound
Mehbound
7 years ago
Reply to  Tobe

My cheater ex told me but would not disclose details. He thought I could “fix” him. When his mask slipped off, I had a very hard time figuring out who this man was. To this day, I do not know him. What I do know, is I want nothing to do with him.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Mehbound

Tobe – that’s a really good question. My X never confessed but he got so careless that I knew he wanted me to find out. And I did. He said he was so relieved I finally knew after 3 yrs. Confessed more than I wanted to hear, in fact. I knew enough, I didn’t want more. All I can say is, it must be an ‘Exit Affair’. Which is super really cruel to do to a loving spouse. Really really cruel and cowardly. (mine tried to shove me out of the house now that I look back)

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tobe

Venessa, I was most interested in this part of your letter: “How can I stop wanting him back and move forward towards a new life? I am stuck in pain and grief. I thought he loved me. It’s shocking. Like he was here one day and now he’s just gone.”

One way to move forward is to look at how you are framing this situation. You are not “stuck” in pain and grief. You are 6 weeks past D-Day in a 3-year relationship. Some part of the time since then, you have been investigating the scope of the problem and you have been in contact with the Cheater and subject to his gaslighting. So first of all, you are still reeling from the shock of discovering the infidelity, the loss of both your illusions about the Cheater and what the relationship meant to you, and the trickled-out truth about multiple partners. You are not stuck. You have been badly injured and it hurts like a motherf***er. You lost things that are precious and hard to replace–trust, hopes, companionship, time, and the illusion that you were loved. So of course you are grieving.

The best thing you can do is just feel the pain and go through the grieving process. You won’t feel the horrific searing physical and emotional pain forever. it will lessen, and lessen until someday you will go a whole day and not think of him or the OWs. You will be busy with your own life. But if you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain, you can’t really heal. That means no using alcohol and “substances” (food, drugs, drama) to numb the pain, no jumping back into a relationship to make yourself feel beautiful or loved or even just OK.

This was by far the most important thing I did–just enduring the pain. It doesn’t mean I sat around and boo-hooed all day or was non-functional once I got through the worst. It just means that I treated myself as if I had gone through a terrible trauma and needed time to heal. I didn’t expect to feel “better” right away. “I thought he loved me,” you wrote. “Like he was here one day and now he’s gone.” That happened to you. It’s real and it’s painful in ways that most people you know won’t understand. Love yourself enough to take the time to really recover. One way to do that might be to educate yourself about infidelity and disordered people by reading the resources linked here. That will help change your thinking.

You might want the old idea of him and the old life for a while. But part of moving through the pain is also gaining a life. I used exercise, improving my nutrition, prayer, yoga, meditation, reading, writing poetry, watching “Law and Order” episodes, my iPhone playlists, making the house reflect my own taste…and once I got my feet under me, I started recovering pieces of myself that I had cast aside even back in my teens. Who were you before the Cheater? What kind of woman do you want to be? Concentrate on that work and you will one day notice that you are on the road to Meh.

HappyNow
HappyNow
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

This advice is sound, and beautifully stated, LAJ. Everything you say is essential to the healing process and I hope Venessa takes it to heart.

I remember my wondering therapist teaching me to “just sit with it” when I experienced any uncomfortable feeling — rage, grief, etc. That is, allow myself to feel it, not push it down or away. “It won’t last forever” she would then say. She was so very right about it. Allowing myself to acknowledge and experience my painful emotions actually helped them to pass faster. It’s something still use to this day, 8 years after my first D-Day, and it always helps: “Just sit with it.”

The damage these disordered cheaters do to us is enormous. Venessa, trust me when I say you are doing great for the stage you are at, and you WILL heal and be mighty.

HappyNow
HappyNow
7 years ago
Reply to  HappyNow

Ugh — she is a wonderful therapist, not a wondering one!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Tobe

I also think it’s possible they confess as a way of moving the ball forward. If you know and you stay, that’s a permanent Plan B cake supply. That’s real triangulation–which can be a way to stay married and avoid intimacy.

kb
kb
7 years ago
Reply to  Tobe

It’s a tough call. Rarely do cheaters have consciences. It is possible that if your cheater cheated once, he may feel so badly he must tell you. It is still totally up to you as to whether or not you wish to pursue reconciliation. If so, make sure that HE does the work. After all, HE broke his vows, not you. If you have to manage his therapy schedule and ensure he does the homework, then he’s not owned his behavior. These cheaters are Unicorns, and rarely seen.

More often, a cheater confesses out of self-preservation. If he and his Affair Partner had a bad fight and she threatened to tell you enough that he believed her, then he’ll want to tell you his truth first so that you buy his version. This is gaslighting and image management!

Most Chumps are in the habit of trusting their Cheater, even after they’ve discovered that the Cheater cheats. For some reason, we’ll confide in our Cheater, even though our Cheater has proven to us that they’re completely untrustworthy! They’ll tell us that they cheated, but not really, or they were poor sausages and really, it’s all you baby! We believe them because we want to believe the dream.

If your husband has confessed to multiple affairs, then I’d suspect that he’s trying for image management. Most serial cheaters are disordered. They don’t get a sudden case of conscience. They can, however, get a sudden case of paternity or an STD. I would recommend you get yourself checked out–and him, too!

Oh, and see a lawyer, but don’t tell your husband this. You need to see your legal options, regardless of what you ultimately decide to do.

kimmy
kimmy
7 years ago
Reply to  Tobe

He wanted you to find out because he didn’t have the balls to get out. He didn’t know how to do it. So he did something that he thought would make YOU end it!

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago
Reply to  Tobe

Some cheaters do have something of a conscience. My guess is that your cheater felt guilt and thought that confession would make him feel better. Still, a cheater is a cheater is a cheater.