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Oh the Places You’ll Go!

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dark_placeYesterday a discussion broke out over the Places Cheaters Go.

My partner told me about all the “places” he visits as well. The dark place, the non-committal place, etc. … I guess he’s really into sightseeing?

And…

What are these “places” these cheaters go to, anyway? He’s in a good place. Huh? When my ex-husband was treating me cruelly before the separation/divorce and I couldn’t understand it, he explained to me that he was “in a dark place right now.” Of course that turned out to be code for Schmoopie’s vagina. Why not just tell me I was being re-placed? Oh yeah, I forgot… CAKE!!

 

Today’s Friday Fun assignment is to map the geography of cheater souls. Put together an Atlas, chumps, and help them find their way.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • My ex of 30 years and 2 kids, liked to hinge on the boarders of drunken idiocy, asian porn video palace and I’m looking for a sugar Momma bar fly. Be careful what you wish for eh?

    • STBX ability to compartmentalize and ability to lie still makes my mind reel with anger. He was texting a potential new Back Page whore while sexting with married AP all while having dinner and relaxing with our beautiful family. He could look you in the eye, when asked who he was texting, and lie; always work he would say.

      When I confronted him I asked him how he could compartmentalize and lie like that, he said, “it’s something I’ve always been good at”. He was actually proud of his abilities.

      Glad to be NC, in divorce process and working toward meh. Thank you CL for connecting many going through the same things. I’m cheater free now!

      • sounds like something my WH would do and say. the more I read the more proof they are all the same.

    • My poor ex was “on a path” and before that he was apparently in the land of nod because now he is in an “awake” place which is also a “happy”place. He takes every opportunity he can to tell me this and als that I am apparently in a “sad, bitter”place according to him. Sad and bitter isn’t what I expected if that’s where I am, it feels more like freedomville, but what would I know, I am just a sad bitter scorned woman who can’t let her cheating ex go….

  • It feels really quite pathetic to me, that my cheater had the OW come right on in to our family home, on a weekly basis, for months, while he was home every Friday with the kids (one of my two work days). She was “a friend”, “just like you invite your girlfriends over for coffee”. I told him this was not appropriate and he just kept trying to gaslight me. I feel pathetic for loving him and trusting the lying bastard. So, the geography… under my roof, northern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia. And, then he left me for her, still not owning up to it for several more months.

    I’ve never told him how he made me feel.

    I hate him.

    • Oh yeah, the comparison with your own social habits. I heard it too. Parading a girlfriend from Moscow he had met on line was equivalent to me inviting my american cousin. Right.

    • CLG, I know it is no comfort, but let me just say you are not alone.
      I have for the passed 4 years watched the husband of a good friend be very chummy with the wife of his so called best mate. When he refused to give my friend his phone records 2 years ago she ended the marriage. he quickly moved on to a relationship with a work colleague while still going to events, concerts, and any other thing possible with his mates wife. both of them the whole time claiming they are just friends, she is a good christian who would dare doubt her. but non of us were dumb. a week before my friend and I flew to New York to escape my XH remarrying. we discovered that the mate and his wife are now officially separated and the two “friends” are shacking up.

      Don’t feel pathetic, you are just a chump and you are in great company.

      • Oh, Thankful, that’s such a sickening thing for your friend to have experienced and for you to have witnessed. Power to her for taking the decision to end it! I’m impressed. I often find myself wondering if I would have ever left my ex, even though he was increasingly parading the OW around under my nose for four or five months (lying and minimising the entire time). I feel less pathetic these days, and to be honest, I guess that I think he’s the pathetic one.

        • Yes, he is the pathetic one. I’ve come to the same conclusion about my exW. When I told people that she was trolling for old high school boyfriends, and hooked up with one from 30 years ago, they laughed. One friend said “that is so pathetic”, and it hit me that that was the word I was looking for. They are pathetic losers. Trust that they suck! Be strong.

          • Hmmm. The x was trolling for old high school gf from 30 yrs. ago, too. Oh, the places you’ll go. . . 30 yrs ago. Conveniently located between embarrassing and pathetic.

              • The OW in my case was from Buda Tx right outside Austin. My husband and I living in Wisconsin. She started trolling men from 45 yrs back in her life. Getting a hold of them on Facebook. She was living in a women’s shelter with 4 kids in Austin. Her husband divorcing her for having an affair. Bringing the younger man in their home when he was working. Lucky me my husband sucked right in to her crap. You would of thought she would of liked the “Long horn state” more then my X’s short horn. But any port in a storm.

          • My XH left me and OW1-5 for high school friend from 1973. It took him 40 years to find her again. What is lower than pathetic? Oh, yeah, pathological!

            • Contacting an ex from high school is an easy target. I see this happen often with my girlfriends, where a long lost boyfriend of theirs from the high school era (20+ years ago) all of a sudden contacts them. Upon getting more info, we realize the guy is going through a divorce and lo and behold, my girlfriend has always been the “ONE”! Really?? For 20+ years, he went off, married someone else, had children, created a family, and now my girlfriend is the ONE? Rrrrrrright. These cheaters don’t want to put in any effort and social media gives them the perfect lazy tool, e.g. Facebook, Linkedin.etc. It’s much easier than getting dressed, going out, spending money, courting someone new all over again, when they can easily reconnect in a lazy way with someone they knew 20 years ago. Flush, next, delete.

              • Ahhh yes the recycling of old romances. Mine went back to his ex wife. 25yrs after their divorce. ( we were together 22) Moved her across the country to start anew.

                The whole love bombing, it’s was a mistake when she divorced him!? He was cruel for sport…said it was to help me get over him. How thoughtful of him.

                The best part is I got to see the Karma bus run over them and within 8 months she was moving back across the country. Poor thing called me to tell me how hurt he was that their relationship didn’t work out!! Poor baby! The best part is he started to try and woo me back. Oh hell NO! Poor thing didn’t want to be alone and we had a “special kind of love”

                As my Mom told me dating an ex is just the “same shit different decade”

              • Chumpity Chump Chump – A great Karma story and quote from your mom, thank you for your comment :)!

            • Has anyone read (or seen the John Cusak film-version of) High Fidelity? In the story, Rob’s (Cusak’s) girlfriend, Laura, a lawyer, (Iben Hjejle) [punctuation be damned] leaves him for Ian (Tim Robbins in a hilarious role). Rob goes on a quest seeking all his past loves. Apparently, Rob is sure he missed the meaning-of-life and these women are meant to help him sort it out. Anyone tried this in-real-life? Seems like a recipe for disaster to me. (If not a fun stroll down easy-pickings lane.)

            • For what it’s worth, here’s my experiences with The Evil One going back for seconds with old middle school and high school loves:

              When TEO was in Jr. High, he dated a girl named “Sally” for a couple years, then she moved to Texas and they broke up, but he tried to get back together with her off and on over the years- until he met me in 2002 (more on that in a sec.)…now, the story goes that they were trying to work things out- he fled to TX to hide out with her after yet another criminal escapade, and she and her parents allowed him to stay there for a few weeks then her mom sent him packing because he (GASP!!! SURPRISE!!!) Did “nothing around the house, didn’t get a job, wouldn’t do chores, etc.”….when he returned home, he called her and Sally told him that the little girl that was at the house a lot when he was there was actually his daughter and he would never see him again….Fast forward to 2015, and thanks to social media, TEO and Sally re-connected in which he spent 4-5 months promising her the moon and stars and swearing on our daughter’s life that he was leaving me for her and that I didn’t want our daughter and that they were going to raise my daughter together…when Sally was about to pack up her house and move up here from her state, TEO then told her that he just spent the last 4-5 months lying to her and had no intention of being with her (brace yourselves) “in retaliation for lying to me about our baby all those years ago!!!”

              Sally contacted me via Facebook about 6 weeks or so after he broke up with her, and told me everything. Apparently, she was indeed pregnant with his child but miscarried at about 3-4 months, but for some reason, TEO thinks she was lying about ever being pregnant at all and denies telling him that about his “daughter” with her… crazy, disordered freak!!!!As crazy as some of what she told me was, I had no problem believing her!!!

              Supposedly, he was in touch with her back in 2002, but “dumped” her again when he met me (i.e. found a better deal with me).

              There were a few other old high school girlfriends TEO tried to re-connect with back then too, but I guess they were all smarter than Sally.

              Along those same lines, my EXH#1 has done that over the years since our divorce- trying to hook up with old loves, never worked out for them either.

              Idiots, the lot of them!!!!

        • CLG,

          I know that you don’t think anyone of us are pathetic for trusting our husband or wife and for buying the lies that they’ve told, or for them gas-lighting us, or the hundreds of other things that they’ve done. Show yourself the same compassion you feel for others here. None of us are pathetic, we’re just humans who couldn’t recognize another species and had no idea of what to do once we did. Be kind to yourself and be mighty.

          • Anne, you’re spot on. Thank you. It’s just a feeling that creeps over once in a while… you know what I mean? I do need to truly show myself compassion… I don’t think I’ve quite got the hang of that just yet. I’m almost two years out from his big announcement that I don’t meet his needs, with my eldest currently in grade 1, my middle in kinder (almost 5) and my youngest in pre-kinder years (almost 3). I have many many more years to deal with the ex… I can’t wash my hands completely of him just yet. I’ll say though, that I’m secretly glad he’s revealed now, as opposed to twenty years later. The betrayal is as great, I’m sure of it. However, my new life begins now and not twenty years from now.

            • I do know what you mean and I sympathize with all chumps who have to deal with children in the mix. My youngest was 20 on the first dday and 21 on the second and last dday. The betrayal and what if’s and what the fucks are so huge after 27 years, and I know I would still be a puddle of self-doubt and shattered self-confidence if it weren’t for CN. I still have really rotten days, but every day gets better. When I find a statement on this website that means something to me, I write it down in the notes on my cell phone. I have a bunch, but I’ve been putting the positives toward the top. Here’s a few:
              1. I am mighty (always number 1)
              2. Effort is sexy
              3. I didn’t cause it, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it.
              4. I deserve better

              It goes on, but really I’m working on me now and people who are not helpful don’t deserve a place in my world, Mehland on the long trip down Chump boulevard (avoid the round-abouts, their fucking brutal).

              • Thank you Anne for posting, it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who still has bad days, feeling crushed. X left our 20 year marriage because he decided he wanted something different. X has done everything imaginable and more to destroy me. I live in constant fear of what he will do or say next.
                I’ve never known anyone who could be so cruel, and callous. All without any remorse or regret..pure evil.
                I’m going to use your suggestion to write a list of positive statements from CN, I’ve started with the four you listed. I don’t know where I’d be without CN and people like you who post.
                I needed to be reminded to stay focused on me, thank you.

              • Brit, satan did that to me too. he said and did things that cannot be taken back or made right. I filed. he flipped out and tried love bombing me…asshole. I went NC and tried to hold on to my sanity and health. I did not feel safe in the world and I was certain I was going insane. Everything he said and did was playin on a loop I couldn’t stop. It took great effort not to internalize his evil bullshit. Nothing they say to us or do to us is because of anything we did…they are like bullies on the playground. They live to frighten, confuse and hurt others. It pumps them up and keeps em going. They really are without empathy or compassion…alien assholes. I am now a year and a half from finalizing my divorce and lovin my drama free life. You will get here I promise 🙂 Trust that there is an end to the evil bastard fooling with your life. You will stand up and dust his dirt off yourself and smile in the sunshine…he, on the other hand, will still be exactly who he is and the truth will be told. Stay mighty Brit! You got this! And its wonderful!

              • Hang in there Brit an others.
                I’m only a year out after 25 years with my cheating 1st grade teacher X-Wife. The advice here is great. I only wish I had grasped and understood really what was going on earlier with my then wife…. so many lies. I really thought I was the crazy one.

                The negative thoughts from being devalued continue to dissipate slowly, and I’m beginning to finally see the hope and light of a better future.

                Chris

      • Thankful – I don’t post often these days, but am so happy to hear you had a trip to NY after all you’ve been through. I’m an Aussie chump so love to hear the success of other Aussie champs and from memory, you were not just fucked over by your ex but by your entire faith community. You are truly mighty!

    • You are not alone ChocLemGelato, I used to feel sick thinking that I was that dumb, that blind! Until I finally saw it exactly for what it was – that they were the ones that were Fucked up! We are supposed to trust our spouses and our friends.

      My Cheater Ex and OW (20 yrs younger and married), who befriended me came to my home many times for 4 years, and here’s the best part – I invited her, She’d call me “what you guys doing tonight?” me – oh nothing, come over, have dinner with us” She worked with him… this went on for 4 years. This is the part that I could not forgive, that he allowed her into our home!! That he allowed her to sit at the dinner table with our kids – after just having fucked her at work. Or faking an “On-call” call – to go meet her, after we just had dinner together! That is the cruelest and most disrespectful.

      After he finally admitted it all.. He said many times, how he was in a dark place at that time – yeah in a dark place at the Guest Suite, her home, the car and probably my home,!!! He did say that he never never wanted to get divorced, that makes him even more horrible – that he actually expected to carry on with the Schmoopie Skank with me in the picture. What a narcissist! She went back to her Chump husband! So glad I did divorce his ass!

      • Mighty again I can totally relate. We are too nice. While the husband of our friends was being transferred overseas we invited the wife and two daughters to stay with us between the time their house sold and they had to leave. For two weeks I welcomed this woman in my home only to find out later she and my then husband were deep into an affair. We are kind and gracious to a fault. And it is so incredibly wrong that people can take advantage of us. No more.

        • Wow, living happy, what a pair of scum-bags! I Know the outrage is hard to deal with, but I hope it helps if I say that any halfway decent human would hear that story and immediately identify your x and his skank as totally sick, dis functional humans.

        • Mighty and Living, same thing here…my bf of over 30 years had a years long affair with satan…there are rumors her daughter is his… When she was struggling through her first divorce I opened my home, my heart to her… Blackbird is right these types are dysfunctional and evil. We are so lucky to have gotten away from all of them when we did.

      • I can relate to the AP being a friend. And I still don’t know which betrayel hurts worse-hers or his? She moved into my neighborhood years ago and had a lot of issues in life and I befriended her, was good to her, and helped her in many ways. And to find out she threw her self at my husband just tore me apart.

        I talked to her once on the phone right after DDay and she told me herself she heavily persued him even after he told her no. I wish I would have just beat the shit out of her!

        • Plus one!

          My “friend” for 34 years (and his cheating exgf!) I felt for her. Single mum. Lonely. Poor sausage. Thing was, he was putting his sausage inside her while we holidayed together, in our holiday house, while our childten were there, came for dinner, I looked after her son, etc, etc….poor little sad sausages. Fuckers. Just about killed me. But my small town thinks I’m a meanie for not forgiving him because “he’s so sorry, was so fucked up at the time, and is gutted and a lovely guy.” Yeah. He is. But he broke my fucking heart, gaslighted me for nearly two years, and gave me terrible diseases, robbed my kids of their sane mother for several years afterwards. Yep. I’m the bad guy for not just getting over his breakdown.

          • I was so naïve I just thought this was something women didn’t do to each other I thought that was a code lol….some days I still struggling believing this has actually happened! I don’t believe I will ever forgive her or my ex and to be honest I don’t want to – they knew exactly what they were doing assholes

    • How it makes you feel is the thing they really don’t get. The choice is to feel some sympathy for their true inability to empathize or to hate them. I am personally in the “hate” camp right now. I suppose “meh” will require me to shift a tad towards empathy.

      • Dixie Chump – I am patiently awaiting the arrival of “meh” My ex (5 weeks) brings his latest for jogs in my neighborhood and drinks in the neighborhood bar by my house (though his soulmate (of 3 months) lives in another town!?) And he left me! (not for this soulmate but for the one before her)
        He also brings her to my kids’ sporting events. How in the world is this ever not going to bother me?!
        “Meh” where are you?!? Chump Lady, is “meh” real?!?!

        • Meh is real,-, i know, I’ve had glimpses of it gently grazing in the mist. But its a timid elusive beast- its in the same family as the more common Meh-ish. You will probably see that one first 🙂
          Hang in there!

        • Sashakane – 5 weeks is so early into this, you are probably still in shock or still weeping and raw. You have a long way to go butt I know you will get to Meh. But before you get to Mehh,, you do have to feel all the feelings — give yourself time…

        • Can only speak for myself, and my own journey to Meh involved not only recovering from infidelity but a lot of looking at a picker that was set to “be attractive to someone who can’t reciprocate your feelings,” such as substance abusers and other disordered sorts. I got to Meh when I had grown enough to understand that no part of my happiness is controlled by what others do or say. That doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt or sad or infuriated by what people do or grief-stricken by real tragedy. It’s that I won’t let the choices of other people stop my enjoyment of my own life, my connection to the people who love and support me.

          People come and go in our lives. It’s hard to let go of those we gave our love and time. It’s hard not to keep focusing on them–where the go, whom they live with, what they do. But I won’t give Jackass another moment of my attention, other than to remind myself not to repeat past mistakes and to continue to learn about my tendency to give away my judgment and my power to people who are not worthy of it. I’m lucky–I don’t have kids with Jackass. But the fact that so many chumps are tied to Cheaters and their APs through children makes it all the more important for people to focus on their own lives–and to stop renting space in our minds and hearts to them. Every time we have to interact with these people or their friends and relatives is a chance to reassert the importance of our own lives. The other day, someone here gave the advice for chumps to write letters to their attorneys and merely copy them to the Cheater, thereby demoting them from their place of centrality to being a “copy” of a document sent to someone of actual importance. I’m not sure yet how that translates into actual human contact, but I’m pretty sure it can. The task is how do we demote the Cheater and AP into “copies’ or footnotes in our lives? When we stop caring about what they do and whom they do it with, we’re at Meh. And that is totally in our own control.

      • Anger and hate are useful as tools to help Chumps take steps to leave their Cheaters. However, like all tools, these emotions need to be put away.

        I do think it’s possible to be both angry at them and sad for them. And angry that they can’t see what they’re doing and sad that they can’t see it.

        In my own case, I am in the final stages of moving out of the marital home, which my cheater is supposed to refinance. He’s in violation of the decree, as he’s over 4 months past the deadline. He can’t refinance because he’s totally tanked his credit. In his fantasy world, he’ll liquidate the remaining part of his retirement (what I didn’t get) to pay off the house. I don’t think he’s accounted for taxes and early withdrawal penalty. He will be destitute, and Schmoopie will leave him for some other married man who’ll foot her lifestyle.

        I can see he’s miserable, and I know that his future is grim. Would I take him back? Never! But I can see the destruction of a human being there, and that is sad. I know that this is 100% of his own making, and that’s sad, too. He chose this.

        Make no mistake. I’m angry at him and will be glad to see the last of him. My anger propelled me to file for divorce and to create a settlement that was very advantageous to me. But now that I’m at the stage where the need for anger has passed, I’m also able to see that he’s managed to waste his life. And that’s sad, even if I have zero desire to be part of that life.

        • I agree with all of your post except they don’t see. Oh they see what they are doing, they just don’t give a shit. Unless a cheater has Brain damage they are fully capable of grasping they are terrible people they just don’t care. That’s why you have to get away from them because it’s easy for them to destroy you. You gotta choose yourself because they never will.

            • @Kellia—-EXACTLY!!!!! Of course they know everything that they do. Takes careful planning to pull of the deceitful shit they do.

          • People who think a new partner is the answer to the black hole where their hearts should be are not tethered to reality. They are always in the moment, hunting for kibbles and cake, And we are all just bit players in their lives. To the extent that they think ahead, they believe they can control us, the court system, and the entire universe in order to make their fantasized future a reality. Whether they are the organized kind of cheater (hiding assets, plotting, etc.) or the kind that just wings it and believes in Twu Wuv, they are always involved in magical thinking based on their own centrality.

        • kb, I feel you ….
          after 35 years of marriage, I see him totally destroying everything he worked for…. Divorce was final end of May, Him and the 29 year old “most fantastic person he ever met” off to Florida in June to celebrate, come back and they buy a new house together, new furniture ( I know cause he sent the bill to me) new electronics (I know cause he tried to change the perks program that was under our sons name to him and the sluts new address), bought her a new motorcycle, back to Florida in October for a “get away” and a Cruise in January….. Now he cant pay the 7000.00 of his share of what he owes on work that was done on our dream home when we had to sell it…..
          He was a public figure in our small community, well respected and admired by many. Our two kids and I thought he was the best… now he has only her, which im sure she will be finding greener pastures since the money is drying up. At 58 I don’t see retirement for him for a long long time, He is a total laughing stock, Kids haven’t talked to him since I told them of the affair (he didn’t have the balls to do it) I’ve got a new baby granddaughter that at this point, he will never meet let alone get to love…. anger at him is really diminished (but NOT at the slut) … at this stage more like pity, and total thankfulness on how blessed I am… THANK YOU CL and CN for keeping me strong, sane and on the right track!!!

        • kb I also feel, through my anger, my STBXH is an idiot and seriously doesnt understand life and is now suffering by his own makings… it really is sad. But its more sad what he did to me and our daughter.

          Sometimes I wonder if years of drugs/booze/head trauma from road rage accidents really did cause brain damage… Not spackling here… I just really wonder. Look up frontal lobe damage syndrome…

          • Drugs and booze will do it. My XH (substance abuser, not Jackass the Cheater) pretty much single-handedly destroyed his life with this stuff. Poor health, a divorce that halved his resources, and emotional estrangement from everyone. Drugs, especially the widely abused opiate prescription drugs, and alcohol destroy both brain and body.

          • Thank you junglechump…satan is a major alcoholic…his whole family is. his sister died before she was 50 from drinking…they all began drinking at very young ages… Wow. I never read about frontal lobe damage syndrome before. Looks like satan may be a candidate. he certainly fits the description… I read about alcoholism and saw him there in the 4th stage description…but I never read about this before. Sad…very sad. Wow.

        • kb, you are clearly a kind soul. Your sympathy is wasted on your ex, however, as not only will he never see that what he did was wrong, he is going to blame you 100% for his coming financial hardship and any related problems. You can bet on that.

      • Meh doesn’t require empathy for the losers, merely indifference. I myself will find it difficult to ever have empathy for someone who wreaked as much havoc as my serial cheater (both to his family and to his sexual harassment victim/s), and who continues to lie, gaslight, and blameshift for his affairs.

        • +1 Tempest… I anticipate large chunks of anger will leave my psyche as I get closer to Meh… And that anger will I anticipate be replace by a prolonged if not permanent state of schadenfreude as far as my X is concerned.

    • Mine was under my own roof as well….with the babysitter. Even after he had started having sex with her he still brought her into the house in front of me and my kids and slept with her in the guest room because “she needed help sleeping”. When I said it was inappropriate he told me that he paid for the majority of the mortgage so she could stay whenever she wanted and then told me to fuck off and go back to my room. My youngest daughter heard the entire thing. And he wonders why she doesn’t want to go to his place (he living with her now)

      • “Heartless” doesn’t quite cover it. What he did is emotional abuse ramped up to the level of torture.

        • @Klf “she needed help sleeping” ?!?!??!!??!!

          O.M.F.G.!!!! That certainly supercedes any of the ridiculous reasons I had tossed my way as to an explanation of what part of the fuckedup atlas XBF had been slimeing around on…….

          If there’s an available ‘award’ for this one, I think you won it though I am sure you don’t want it.

          Torture, indeed……So very sorry you had to endure this.

      • KFL – I can’t even tell you how revolting this is on ALL levels. He was having sex with the babysitter in his own home and then proceeds to sleep in her room with the entitled excuse that she’s having trouble sleeping. The level of disrespect and incredible betrayal he showed to you and his own children is unfathomable. This guy deserves to have his balls chopped off. The family home is sacred, and a wife and children, need to be protected and cherished. and to add insult to injury he states he can do whatever the hell he wants because he’s paying the mortgage. Reminds me of Arnold. It takes COMPLETE LACK OF CONSCIENCE to do that to your very own family. I wanted throw up when I read this, this guy is severally mentally disordered. I’m so very sorry this happened to you.

      • Kfl, what an awful situation you were in and I am just amazed. I have zero respect for your cruel ex but I have even less respect for that cheap and trashy babysitter. I would have torn her hair out of her head the little tramp. Together they will get their rightful dues. I am truly sorry but you are now free of the bastard and be grateful for that.

  • my cheater dwelled in a place full of compartments, because when I asked how he could fuck another man, remain with me and go to church and engage in ministry he stated, “well as i told gullible the elder I just compartmentalised it all”

    • Ah, yes, the compartmentalization of Home life as dad-who-attends-back-to-school-nights and is home-every-night-for-dinner, versus the Professor life, filled with graduate student pussy and conference fucks and (when that wasn’t exciting enough) trysts with strangers from Ashley Madison on the lunch hour.

      • So true, Tempest. From another who has lived with a lying, cheating profesor with decades of conference fucks under his belt.

    • My X justified his affair by describing his ability to compartimentalize his life. That’s when I retired my Olympic-level spackling skills, and paid my lawyer’s retainer.

      Location is really of little importance, because my X sucks no matter where he went, is currently located, or will go.

  • Our neighborhood bars drunk and flirty, his friend’s bachelor pads, out of town work trips and (saving the best for last…. his car (yes I have photos of him in his car jacking off while his AP was facetiming him) (oh forgot to mention car parked at our elementary school).

    • I know someone whose brother-in-law now has a sex offense for urinating into a fountain while drunk at an elementary school. If your photo shows that it is clearly the elementary school lot, your X/STBX could have grounds for getting onto the sex offender registry.

      Sicko.

  • This “bad place/dark place” must have secret super powers that wipes out memory because none of the cheaters that have been there can remember who they banged, when they banged them or how many times it happened ?

    • yes it has the capacity to remove, names, dates, times.

      or do all cheaters have some form of sex induced amnesia?

      • Or hyperthymesia, where they reveal excessive detail ~~ all in the name of ‘transparency’. “Don’t want you to hear this from someone else, Virago.”

        He was actually bragging!! In an adolescent tone and demeanour.

        “Virago, any more KIBBLES?”

        • Virago, my pathological Ex did this too. We were having yet another discussion about his cheating when he blurted out, “It just HAPPENED, OK, Muse? It’s not like she stuck her big tits in my face, or wagged her pussy in my face!” Um. OK. In another post DDay convo, he blurted out, “I don’t know where you get this idea it was all hearts and flowers with her, Muse – it was JUST “sex” – OK??” I’m sure OW never would have believed him talking about her in these vulgar terms. He also smiled as he told me that he’d spent 3 days “talking and fucking” at her house, just prior to my discovery via cell phone records of his 50+ calls a day to Whore. I never asked for these details. He smiled in my face as he told me. That was when I started to realize that he hated me.

          • Nope, TheMuse. No normal person could hate you.
            I think he hates himself.
            And BTW, I hate him too!
            xxx

          • Ouch for both of you Virago, Muse. What jerks. The “This is what I get to do cause I’m so special…. and I will brag about cheating and the skank right to your face…and revel in your pain…so what are you going to do about it bitch.”….blues. Very painful. I hate both your exes too on your account.

            Cheater ex did the same thing to me. I did not react as he had hoped as I have the ability to control my reactions, courtesy of my double narc FOO. Fixed him with a cool stare and just said ” Really. Hmmm” He went on to sing her praises. That’s when I knew he hated me too.

            Same playbook, assholes, all of them.

    • It is interesting that once caught, they seem to be so traumatized by their actions that they cant remember what they have done. The names, dates, actions, all become horrible memories that have been blocked from their brain.

      • Oh yes and they “don’t know” how some bar whore they met in another state showed up to a hotel in a DIFFERENT state – by using a plane ticket his bought with his credit card. “How did she get there?” Uh, I dunno!

      • Even people who remember every detail, small things that happened decades ago, can’t remember any of what really happened in an affair.. they remember one time, but everything beyond that is a fog…

  • My ex-wife was waaaaay into online video games and included dudes she met there among her APs. When caught she explained, “It was like playing life on Easy Mode.” You know, the mode of playing a video game where the normal rules of what you can’t do don’t apply (often referred to as “cheats”)?

    New flash: you’re a 44 year old mom with your own business. You’re supposed to be able to handle things that aren’t always easy. Also, we live IN REAL LIFE.

    Life without a codependent, chumpy kibble machine (me)? I’m guessing: not so easy.

    • I’m surprised there aren’t more gaming-obsessed cheaters. It’s such an escapist behavior. And certainly entitled behavior, especially when there are children to raise, because adulting cannot happen when you can’t pull your eyes away from that screen, and faithful partner is usually forced to pick up the slack.

      • I play online games, and I’ve been with my online community enough that we’ll notice people who spend an unhealthy amount of time online–especially if they’re married to non-gamers. Marriage and family come first. Those married to non-gamers will prioritize their spouses and children, and often play only once or twice per week.

        Those married to gamers will invariably play together.

        I was always very careful with my gaming time because I didn’t want it to eat into the time I had with my ex-husband. He was, I thought, always so busy working late due to his IT job. When he was home, my attention was focused on him to the point where one of the younger people I played with (a 14-year-old who’s since grown up and gotten a real job) commented that I spent a lot of time trying to do things for my husband–what did my husband do for me?

      • My husband was super into anything online – which then became an obsession with Second Life. He had 2 affairs (that I know of) with women he met on Second Life, including flying out of state to meet up with them. The last time he did this, I was on chemo and too weak to do anything about it, much less leave. Finally, he hooked up with a local whore he met on FetLife. God only knows what else he was up to, I saw tons of texts and emails, until he got another email account and started locking up his phone and other devices. Lesson learned: if I ever get involved again, and they are way too into anything online or live on their phones – BYE BYE!!

    • Mine wasa gaming obsessed loser. He even wore the headset so he could get into fights with 14-year old boys about whatever it was that they were shooting. Lol. Definitely upgraded by dumping him.

      • He was probably yelling at my XH.

        The Marine Major I dated after XH divorced me for Schmoopie always got a kick out of how XH’s rank on Call of Duty was higher than Marine’s rank after serving for a year in Iraq. XH lives in a place of fantasy – where he is a general and Schmoopie is an honorable lady.

    • They just arrested a suspect in the UT Austin murder this week. He’s apparently waaaay into MineCraft. Beware, these zombies-of-death are multiplying.

  • My cheater went places physically: Riga (Latvia), Carcassonne (France), Venice and Bergamo (Italy), Sofia (Bulgaria). He totally associated the thrill of discovering new places with the Russian cow who played the role of tourist guide while coveting my life. “I thought you would never want to visit these places, bwaaaaa !” he said after D day.

    • Bergamo, really?? After living in northern Italy for years, that is like a down-downgrade to Bellagio. I love Bergamo, but it’s like taking your fuckbuddy to that Paris place in Las Vegas instead of the real deal in France.

  • Asswipe in still in the dark place cause he doesnt know what he wants. Claims he never knew. Hahahahaha! Some never grow up.

  • My ex repeatedly chanted: “Elizabeth Gilbert says the Universe places me right where I need to be; I’m just going with the flow; it’s all good.”
    It took me a little while to understand that I’m just not welcome in that Universe; it flowed me right out of it; it wasn’t all good…

        • Oh God. This is SO off topic, but I have a close (middle aged female) friend who totally believes that bullshit and makes a good living selling that drivel to OTHER (middle aged female) individuals who also believe it!!!! Thanks for posting!

        • loved it! (and the fact that Bill Nye can do comedy, too, just confirms his status as sexiest nerd ever)

        • Please don’t let Amy Schumer turn out to be a Cheater. Without Schumer and Wanda Sykes, I’d have given up on women all-together.

        • Couldn’t open that version in my country. So, for those who had difficult (praying the link is accepted by WordPress):

      • My Ex was fond of talking about the Universe, too. He said, “the Universe is laughing at me” when he found out Schmoopie’s ex husband was a good friend of ours twenty years ago. You see, this made it difficult for Schmoopie to come visit him in her exhusband’s best friend’s house, where Ex was holed up after I kicked him to the curb. To my Ex and all other narcs, I give the timeless advice I read somewhere: Yes. the Universe cares about you, because you are a pimple on the ass of the Universe.

    • That’s a sad and sorry interpretation of a pretty awesome idea–that the sum total of the decisions you have made have taken you to the place you find yourself. In chump terms, we find ourselves on D-Day because we got involved, unwittingly, with a cheater and then spackled and fought to keep the relationship. For cheaters, they find themselves bi-locating because they made a decision to have cake in multiple cases. And after a long journey of hard work and going in the right direction, we end up at Meh.

    • Because apparently all of that nasty flow from her vagina carried her away to the Isle of Prick. Stupid fucking Elizabeth Gilbert. Add her to my wish-list of plane-crash victims.

    • If anyone needs any further reason to hate Gilbert, here ya go: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/magazine/confessions-of-a-seduction-addict.html?_r=1

      with this oh-so-admirable quote, “If the man was already involved in a committed relationship, I knew that I didn’t need to be prettier or better than his existing girlfriend; I just needed to be different. (The novel doesn’t always win out over the familiar, mind you, but it often does.) The trick was to study the other woman and to become her opposite, thereby positioning myself to this man as a sparkling alternative to his regular life.”

      and CL’s essay on Gilbert:
      http://www.chumplady.com/2015/06/eat-pray-kibble/

      • Regarding the Gilbert drivel Tempest shared above:

        Well, I can definitely say that all the other women were certainly ‘DIFFERENT’ than me. Indeed they were my ‘Opposite’–they were morally bereft slugs, pathetic colluders, etc.

      • Thanks Tempest, can’t believe I missed that one. When the book first came out, I couldn’t get past the first chapter without thinking what a nassicistic load of drivel. An ex-friend was raving about it, turned out she was sleeping with a guy who had an “open marriage” – yeah right wonder if his wife knew hence one of the (many) reasons she’s been dropped along the path. I had a friend who does reiki massage and healing, she described what she saw with me a large tree with strong roots and a long tap root, white light, love and encouragement. A while later we spoke about the ex and turned out she had massaged him (a present I’d given him before we’d separated) and she’s seen black tentacles writhing out of where his heart should have been, spewing out black oil and covering everything around him! turned out to be an excellent metaphor for our lives and the places we came from!

  • My cheater didn’t talk about places, but he’s so simple-minded that I’m sure he would’ve gone with the standard ‘I was in a dark place’. Just after we separated, I confronted him on his months of unemployment, coupled with gaming, which preceded the final affair. He shouted at me, “Did you ever think that maybe I was depressed?!” Hmmm, no. You didn’t look depressed every day when I would come home from school and catch you in your underwear, unshowered, sitting on the coffee table with X-Box headset on your nappy head and controller in your hands, grinning and laugh-yelling at the TV. Btw, (because I’m feeling bitchy thinking about this), he lost his job for texting a pic of a coworker’s boobs to other coworkers. Supposedly, the boob-shot was unsolicited and he thought it was anonymous. Then he sat for a year on the coffee table in his underwear not looking for a job and purposely (by later admission) sabotaging any and all interviews I arranged for him. I was at school full-time and would walk in after an 8 hour day plus traffic and he would ask me what’s for dinner. So this is what depression looks like to him: 8 hours of video games a day, sitting around doing absolutely no adult things all day, then when wife comes home sitting around playing some more and waiting for food to come straight to your mouth. You say potato, I say laziness and entitlement. This image of him (underwear and nappy, headset-indented hair) is what I go to whenever I delude myself into ‘they’re happy and in love and I’m all over here single with 4 kids’. At least it’s not single with 5 kids anymore, lol. And I know for a fact that he is doing the same thing to her. AND, she’s a nut job, so both of them got what they deserved.

    • My ex was a gamer as well. The description of being unshowered, sitting in his underwear, with an indent in his hair from the Xbox headset, just waiting for his hardworking chump to get home…that’s spot on. It’s such an improvement to be a single parent of a child rather than a surrogate mother of a fuckwit who behaved like an entitled teenager.

    • Wow I literally just threw up a little in my mouth. How old are these “men”??? This is like the definition of Leaving a Cheater Gaining a Life. I really think these gamer loser types have so much resentment they do this as a passive aggressive means to hurt their partner. They force the parent/child dynamic out of extreme self-loathing and entitlement, then resent you for “controlling them”.

      And yes its crazy how much weight lift end and happiness you feel when you drop 200 lbs of dead weight. How much easier and drama free and less painful your life is without them.

      • “They force the parent/child dynamic out of extreme self-loathing and entitlement, then resent you for “controlling them”.”

        Exactly. The relief I felt when I freed myself from a man child was amazing. Now my energy goes to parenting my actual child and on self-care.

      • MagPie – YES! Exactly this! “They force the parent/child dynamic out of extreme self-loathing and entitlement, then resent you for “controlling them.”

        Took me awhile to figure this one out, but this was the dynamic in our relationship. And then one of the reasons he gave me for cheating/leaving was I wasn’t enough fun.

    • JBaby, your story just gave me the worst feeling, remembering those days of being USED by a lazy Slacker that says he’s depressed! The person who’s working full-time, doing fucking everything, and being the only real parent, is who should be depressed! Yikes! Thank you once again, CL, for making this site, so I could find my backbone and get out!
      X was always excusing his many, many problems by saying- Those were fucked up times. Well, I was going through it, too, with no awesome Chump to make me dinner, and pay all the bills, and even give me massages…I can’t believe how I babied him! I still have to fight Chumpy feelings of feeling sorry for him, it’s a work in progress.
      One good thing I’ve taken away from all this is – I know I’m really strong, and resilient, because I am thriving after all that!

  • MY XH LOVED to hang around the new hood. Victimhood. I became chief villain and abuser.

    The TALES he told! He needed to fire up the “VICmobile”, with his trusty sidekick, ROBBIN’ (as in my husband), and drive off out of Gotham.

  • Yes the “dark place”. It’s when they’ve found someone else already and they just aren’t sure how to juggle both at the same time, the AP and their spouse. They want their cake and eat it too, and don’t know how to they will manage. But their place isn’t that dark when it comes to having sex, lying, cheating. They’re plenty capable of doing that, but the place is oh so dark when it comes to doing the right thing.

    • I love how they act as though it “is painful for them too!”…as if. Mine said to me “don’t kick me while I’m down”…jeezus.

    • Yes, the “dark place”…yes,my cheater spoke of that place. Odd thing though, they all act as if they invented this dark place, like it was all a shock to them that it existed. I will go all “Catholic grandma” on everyone and mention that the Church has long know of (and gravely warned against) ventures into this dark place…it has a name too…it’s called “Mortal Sin” and its effing real.

    • I got the “I thought you hated me” line… I told her that of course I did, she was sneaking around, telling me lies, picking fights with me for no reason, being cold, being mean, being distant.. was I supposed to act like I was enjoying that? It wasn’t hate, it was me trying to figure out what the hell was going on with all the mixed signals.

      I’m with you Kellia, I think the cheating and flirting and all that leads to the dark place, not the other way around.

      They seek out that dark place because it’s what they want. What my wife should really have said, (if she was capable of being honest).. would be “I hated you because I got close to the guy at work that I was flirting with and sending signals to that I was available and you and this marriage were holding me back, but still convenient to pay bills and do chores and drive kids around. Once you married me, you were no longer a challenge. ”

      She was all fixing up her makeup, buying clothes.. going to the gym, going with her friends.. seemed to be having the time of her life. Didn’t seem to dark until she got caught, then boom…. clouds incoming in 3..2..1…..

      • Fixing her makeup, buying a new fuck-me outfit, getting new shoes to match the outfit, going for a run with the dog, asking me to take pictures of her new dye-job and haircut, all in preparation for her first outing with Match Stick. No, Raging. It’s hate.

        • I am sorry you have to digest this Ian, hate is a healthy reaction when realizing how she was using you as a photographer and kibble supplier while getting ready for MS… That’s just so twisted and sick!

          BTW – Her idiocy in filing with his address on the petition is priceless! It seems that your NC is giving them more rope… Keep forging on!!

          • So classic, Ian. The Limited asked my opinion on clothing he was purchasing while cheating. When we got home he modeled new boxers he bought and wanted my opinion on how they looked. Hmm…. they looked like fucking boxer shorts. Fucking assholes.

      • Story of my cheater, my life too. Once I committed to her and proved my commitment over and over with action, she lost attraction and “deserved more”.

        In the meantime, I did all the work. Really. All of it.

        Once I caught her, she said her emotional needs weren’t being met. Yeah, it is kind of hard to meet her emotional needs when she constantly withdrew from me, neglected me and rejected me.

        What they are really saying with “my emotional needs weren’t being met” is
        – I just don’t get that thrill from you, so really, I don’t want you to meet my emotional needs
        – I prefer using your desire to meet my needs against you, to get you to do all the work while I can play around
        – I don’t want you to be someone I’d be attracted to because that might mean I have to do some work around here too
        – Now that I’ve had you, I really want and deserve new, different, better, richer and I am entitled to that
        – And, deep down, I am afraid of any true intimacy. Fantasy fucking other men is so much easier.

        • And Buddy, she’s also thinking: When I’m no longer distracted by the thrill of the chase, I have time to stop and think. Which is never good for me, so I have to have the constant distraction of new because I am so crappy that it scares me. And I don’t want to do the work to become less of a piece of crap. Sounds right eh?

        • I had a therapist that mentioned needs not being met.. I told her that I’d need to turn into the guy that she was sleeping with at work. I couldn’t meet that need.

        • Buddy – you totally nailed it. I got that crap about not meeting his emotional needs from The Entitled One. And your description of what that REALLY meant is dead on.

        • Brilliant, Buddy. Story of my ‘situation with MoFaux’ (definitely NOT a ‘relationship’!).

          Interestingly, since Dingleberry dropped him 3 months after DDay, I wondered where he would ‘go’ for thrills because he needed to be cheating. NEEDED. Did it throughout a long marriage (to his wife for decades!) and then probably to me for decades.

          But, if there is no one to gaslight, shame, blame etc where do they go? Existential question: how can I be my true fucktard self without a chump?
          ps I got going TOO much on this and had to delete! You’ll all thank me that I did so!!

          • Virago, “But, if there is no one to gaslight, shame, blame etc where do they go? Existential question: how can I be my true fucktard self without a chump?”

            Yes, yes, a million times, yes! They need a victim the way mosquitoes need a host. Can’t survive without someone else’s blood (plus, where’s the sport in being inert?).

            Reply Comments

  • I’m having a bad day, meaning super snarky, but the first place I thought of was the patch of quicksand that would suck him back into his mother’s uterus after 50 yrs.

  • Or the place where several states touch so he could straddle 2 places at once. Like married but also not married. Committed but also young and free. Destructive but also worshipped and admired. Working hard and long hours but actually fucking his employee. Loyal but also fucking everyone in his family over. An exhausting trip, no?

  • My ex cheater said he just got lost? I said what the hell does that mean and it’s too bad you managed to find you way home every night if you were lost?

    Oh and places he actually took his whore a few times – the church parking lot!!! That one just tore me apart! He was supposed to be this great godly man….I ask him what he thought God was thinking while he was commiting adultery at Gods house, he couldn’t even look at me.

  • Jackass needed to go back to Mommy’s house in the old neighborhood to take care of it and “work on himself.” Within walking distance of MOW. I still don’t know how he went from living on his own as an adult to the land of confusion in a matter of weeks.

  • My cheaters dark place was in the deep, dark internet looking for strange. He’s definitely a dark triad wannabee.

    My cheater said he thought he wasn’t really cheating because it felt like he was playing a “video game.” Said he could see what he was dong was wrong but it didn’t feel real. And that it was an “out of body experience” ( that went on for 14 years!! ) therefore, he did nothing wrong. WTF! I told him “I wasn’t playing a video game – i was playing real life. And my life matters” what a nut job. I’m doing mediation (w/lawyer involvement) and have a house closing/moving out next week –good riddance! I hate these disordered golden child fucks who use us to hide their sick twisted shit from mothers!

  • Dodo said he was so unhappy ” his world had turned black.” I would be pretty unhappy too if I was sneaking around, afraid of getting caught. It’s hard work lying to be people you’re supposed to love and keeping all the lies straight. Do these people really think that lying and cheating will actually make them happy? It’s moronic to think so.

    • It’snot hard work if one is a cunning ,devious,practiced deceiver and pathological liar.
      Ex had/ still has a room in the hospital with a bed as he’s an obstetrician.This is his place….a single bed where he shagged a nurse,another consultant,a secretary and a patient,juggling them all at the same time for years during working hours.Some of these women knew each other.Not a bother on him.Still came home and played the role of dutiful spouse.
      I have no doubt he hasn’t changed although he is living with someone now.She most likely has no clue as to who he really is and I hear things have become a bit rocky between them.She’s totally welcome to him.The very thought of him makes me shudder.

  • cheater is an idiot who didn’t have the depth to describe a place he went. But physically, one of his OWs worked at an airport in a major hub city so he would make sure he scheduled his work travel through that airport with an adequate LAYover between flights.

  • The true dark place for a cheater is being non-present in reality. A dark place for a cheater is a place where they are not the center of the universe.

    When a cheater claims to be in a dark place when cheating, it’s actually a place that is super shiny strobe light awesome.

    The real dark place place for a cheater is reality and for cheaters life would be fucking fantastic if only reality didn’t fuck it up.

    The land of make believe isn’t dark at all, it’s a wonderland of glowing groins and magical kibbles.

  • Lost is good – maybe there needs to be an enclosed pen for the lost – like they have for little kids at fairs and such. All those poor cheaters who got lost yet found a direct unencumbered route to right between someone’s legs. Poor things, so helpless.

    • Yes, in The Land of Confusion. “How did I get here? I don’t belong here. This is not where I wanted to be.” This is a direct quote.

      Ummm, alien abduction? No wait, it was hookers. That’s how you got “here.”

      • The Limited said,”I can’t get anywhere with you.” It was the truth, my truth. Wherever he lands it’s not with me. The sadz spell is broken just like his dick. Oh that place, the fantacy land living with a new grandma with dogs in a dump with no money. POP all that attention? Haha that place.

  • Honestly I have no clue were the other place was that my X and her OM were going. He lived several states away (he was married and divorced his wife, his divorce was the same day my x-wife left me). He had an apartment in New Jersey for his job. My guess is they met in hotel rooms or in her SUV.

    Her excuses were things like “going to the gym” or “shopping at the mall”.

    At this point I don’t care. I believe they are engaged to be married now and bought a house together which I then cut off her alimony (Cohabitation law in Maryland FTW!). She complained to me saying when I would leave her alone so she can start a new life (she was referring to alimony). My response was “I wish you and him the best and hope this succeeds for you but honestly I want you to leave me alone so I can start a new life and me paying you alimony to help your new life move along is a bit much. I should not be paying you to propel that life (with another) so in reality you should be leaving me alone!”

    She did not like that reply and never responded about it again. Oh well! LOL

    • Entitled bitch. Makes me furious that they don’t have an smidgen of empathy. She sucks Lothos.

      • Yup, Now she is trying to convince everyone that even though his name is on the mortgage and deed to the home that he does not live there and they are only friends and that I still need to pay her alimony. Right, the $5k bed she sleeps in (he bought it for her) and the $3k 3D TV she uses (he bought her) and they are just friends? My daughter already told me he sleeps in the master bedroom with her mother and I have an eye witness who saw the engagement ring and they admitted to being engaged (they were engaged 1 month after our divorce and were going to wait the 3 years till alimony ran out).

        Again thank god for Maryland “Cohabitation” laws/rules. I added it to my divorce documents which she signed. She just never read the divorce papers.

        Sucks to be her!

    • Lothos … like my soon to be ex wife.

      She has the AP (supposedly rich business man, lol, meantime his salary is less then hers), but she wants me to pay for her car ,with huge amount of money for kids (aka keeping her living standards high).

      I’m just thinking , the AP promised you lots of stuff, so why is he not helping you to take over your payments? You know the best part? With the divorce (I already sold the house), she would be able to finish off paying the car, but she is too greedy (and so is he)

      So much for the tru love.. they have.

      • Is there even one woman who Cheats with a guy who can’t upgrade her life with his “wealth?” Fucking hell. Way to perpetuate the stereotype you fucking golddiggers.

        • Well in my case my X took a step down. Her new fiancé/boyfriend makes slightly more than half of what I make.

          However she controls him real well. He is potty trained and does every command she gives him to the point (last I heard) he was about 60k in debt (not including mortgage) all from my x-wife.

          Hey, him and I talked once on the phone almost three years ago and I warned him. Oh well ROFL!

        • Deadhusbands Schmoopie may have figured out well into their relationship that the half he would be left with after a divorce from me was much less than what her fiance could give her. She wore a $39,000 rock from her man while she fucked my husband. She and my husband eventually parted ways, she married her fiance and later divorced.

          My Now husband was married to a woman who had delusions of grandeur..she said his Military Officer friends weren’t good enough …in fact nothing was good enough. She ran his credit cards up, signed a lease to rent a place (him paying of course) took what she wanted and then stalled forcing him to file for divorce. He paid her money of top of money (his family paid her to be removed from the family trust).

          About the time it became clear that even with all she got, she would likely still need to work , she asked to reconcile. He declined that generous offer. She remarried years later to a seemingly nice guy but he has nothing close to what my now husband has worked to achieve. She now treats us with utter contempt.

          So we had 2 golddiggers in our past. Me? I never aspired to wealth…I hoped for a loving faithful spouse and live in a tract home and drive a Honda (If I was lucky). I didn’t have a loving faithful spouse, but I did financial security out of it all. What a genuine blessing it is now to know that me & newhusband aren’t after what each other has our discussions revolve around mutual love, support and whats for dinner. There are non gold diggers out there and finding one is a treasure in itself.

        • Ian,

          You ask if there is even one woman who has cheated with a man who cannot upgrade her life with his “wealth.”

          I have been divorced for 10 months now from a man whose last job was a temporary part-time minimum wage position he quit early in 2002. I supported him until I kicked him out 12 days after D-Day, which was a little over 13 months ago. Therefore, he had no “wealth” to offer to the OW.

          OW is a greedy cake-eater who wanted her chump’s money and XH’s dick. XH is a greedy cake-eater who wanted my money and the fantasy life of hot sex and mad love with OW.

          I believe they both wanted to keep the relationship in the realm of fantasy for obvious reasons. For him, a real relationship with her might mean getting a job. For her, a real relationship with him might mean supporting him and losing her chump’s money, which would result in a less affluent lifestyle.

          I always heard, from my teen-age years, that being in love makes you happy. My observation of XH in the last year of our marriage, when I believe he was love-bombing the OW and cheating with her, is that he was very angry. When I noticed that he was distant and not very loving, I asked him to have a talk with me about our marriage. He refused to have a talk with me; instead he physically attacked me and put bruises on me. He told me he hated me, didn’t want to have sex with me and was just using me for my money. When I asked him why he hated me, he said it was because I didn’t make enough money. When I asked him how he could put bruises on me, he said he just snapped because I didn’t make enough money. The harder I tried to make it work, the more disrespectful and mean he became. I asked him at one point, “When will you respect me?” He replied, “Never.” I think he had to demonize me to rationalize and justify his decision to have an affair. Someone had to be the bad guy, and it wasn’t going to be him.

          • “When I asked him why he hated me, he said it was because I didn’t make enough money. When I asked him how he could put bruises on me, he said he just snapped because he didn’t make enough money.”

            Chumptacular, one thing you can be certain of is that this is a very unstable and evil man, one you are well rid of.

        • Well Ian I can say that the MOW that is now the ex’s wife didn’t marry a rich guy. He lost half of his 401k plus an additional 25K in savings. Not to mention the boat and new truck he bought while we were in fake wreckonciliation which I told him to only put in his name because I had a pretty good feeling our marriage was not going to end well.

          Plus he “accidentally” gave me his credit card bill which he had run up to $5,000.00 in like the 2 months after I left.

          Nope, she got herself some debt and she’s the one with the money. Or at least she used to be. Who knows now. Guys go for the money sometimes too.

    • Marylander myself Lothos. Match Girl (lawyer dontcha know), was actually stupid enough to put Match Stick’s home address on her divorce filings. Apparently he fucked her stupid.

      • Now that is awesome!

        If I ever get married again I am getting a prenup. I don’t care if she makes more than me or not. No prenup then no ring! We can date forever then as Maryland has no common marriage laws.

      • MatchGirl should have put the address of the gas station from which she called you months ago after MatchStick threw her out of the house without purse or cell phone; I suspect she’ll be spending a lot of time there.

    • That’s what sucks and is the last thing that’s keeping me around. The realization that not only do I not get to be with my kids everyday (which is the biggest thing), but the fact that I’ll have to pay my wife alimony every month for who knows how long even though she’s spent the past several years in a relationship with another man and has been hiding cash. A no-fault state is a terrible place to be.

  • My cheater would tell me, ” I can’t talk about this to you. You know I’m in a bad place right now!” As opposed I suppose to a “good place” in a hotel room screwing Schmoopie??? Don’t know, don’t care! I know he’s in a “bad place” for sure now. He has no Schmoopie and no money! Tough break!

  • After getting caught, mine claimed he had been in the “Middle Life Crisis” place and the “I felt free” place. So I made him feel really free with a divorce.

    • Right on Tempest! The best thing to do when you’re married to a cheater! Give them the freedom to go to any of those “places” they love so much!

      Then your world becomes a happy place!

    • Mine also played the midlife crisis card. I felt he was going through something and my job was being supportive regardless of how bad he was behaving because, “in sickness and in health…”.

      He referred to being with me as being “trapped”, “stuck” and “in jail.” Now I wish I had given him that “Get Out Of Jail Free” card, from Monopoly.

      • I was SO RELIEVED when nowdeadhusband “admitted” he was in a Midlife crisis…I thought that his epiphany would be an avenue to self awareness and healing…it gave me hopium for my pipe! What I didnt know is that he had been cheating for years and this “crisis” was a result of him falling in lurve with one of his whores. As it turns out, my “crisis” was in marrying him in the first place.

          • I got ‘midlife crisis’ too. After bursting out laughing, I replied “Oh really? If that is true, from what your family has told me about your serial cheater history, your ‘midlife’ started in your teen years.”

          • So true Tempest! They always sucked, but now that they have to live with the consequences of their actions, they try as many versions of the poor sausage acts they can!

            The smoking mirrors they used to be so good at fooling people with are getting less and less believable, especially as the gap between their GFs’ age and their own keeps widening…

            One of the best forms of karma to me is that our cheaters are stuck with themselves, and see their own deterioration every time they look in the mirror. To them, their own aging process is akin to witnessing how their outward appearance looks more and more like their ugly psyche…

            In contrast, chumpy us work hard to grow from our life experiences, and forge on to build our best life from a place of integrity and strength! Good riddance.

      • So many of these cheaters are emotionally abusive and controlling that the adultery is our “Get Out of Jail Free” card. (And if you get a good settlement, don’t forget to buy Boardwalk and Park Place.)

        • Funny you should say that Tempest. It was one of my first thoughts when I found out the ex had an affair. “This is my get out of jail free card.” It was a good thought too. If only I’d listened to it right away!

          I still used the card but I held on to it for three years before I cashed it in. My bad!

          • Cheaterssuck–there’s no amount of money that makes up for 3 extra years with a cheater (but I hope the settlement pot was a little bigger at the end to partly compensate you for your misery. It’s the only way I can feel a smidgeon better that I didn’t find out about X’s affair for 8 years; not that the extra money was worth those 8 years of my life, but that it HURT him to have to give me more of “his” money. Community property state, baby!)

          • I felt the same. Before we got married I told cheater ex my one irrevocable deal breaker was cheating. I even told him if he had any wild oats left to sow, get on out there and sow them, because if he ever cheated, that would be it as far as I was concerned.

            He was so arrogant and entitled, he thought he could rub her in my face and get away with cheating. Wrong. I had to stay a few more months til I finished nursing school and passed my state boards. And then it was adios shithead. He was truly shocked. He thought it was going to be cake forever.

      • Deunan_K–that is BRILLIANT. Hey chumps–we have the Cheater Handbook, Cliff-notes version.

        This is a Must-read (even if your jackass did not claim midlife crisis). It puts all their actions in perspective.

        • Oh God, did all that sound so fucking familiar! Great article, but I know now the cheaters just don’t give a fuck. They would read that article and never see themselves in it, at least my cheating ex whore wouldn’t. She would read it and be like “Huh?”
          I can totally see her stupid face saying that.

  • My STBX keep saying that I don’t understand but he has “issues” and it’s not all about me. No it’s about being a selfish prick, leading a double life and not giving a shit about his family. He would lay on the couch and say “I’m not happy ” and he said he would argue with himself in his head and that made him drink. Cause he’s such a nice guy he couldn’t stand the way he treated us even though he did it anyway. Apparently the bad self won because he finally ran off with schmoopie. Even now on the rare occasions we have contact, he complains to me about how tormented he is and how schmoopie is so sweet she comforts him when he has a bad day. Poor sad sausage torments himself when he is not busy enjoying his new life with his schmoopie, retired in Florida while I will have to continue to work the rest my life

    • “He would lay on the couch and say “I’m not happy ” and he said he would argue with himself in his head and that made him drink. Cause he’s such a nice guy he couldn’t stand the way he treated us even though he did it anyway. Apparently the bad self won because he finally ran off with schmoopie.”

      Lostandfound, I think we married the same guy.

  • Asshole never mentioned dark places. He just found it suitable to hookup on work trips. He’d even meet his MOW at ORD and then they would fly off to places like Cleveland for a little fuckfest. His best place was even easier and closer to home with the MOW. She would fly in from Orange Cty CA to ORD. He would pick her up at the airport and then commence fucking at the Hyatt on Lake Cook rd. Lovely.

    • Maybe the dark places refer to orifices. He was balls deep into various genitalia, mouths, rectums of many. True tunnels of love.

  • My X was a world traveler. He started out in Spread Eagle, Wisconsin. Somehow found his way to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Then he traveled to Denial Bay, Australia. He invited me to join him in Looneyville, Texas (I turned that invite down…). He stopped for a drink at the Gaslight Saloon in South Dakota. And now I think (or hope!) he’s on his way to Hell, Michigan. (Note: all of these places actually exist in an Atlas.)

      • with a roundabout trip through Spread Eagle, Wisconsin, on to French Lick, Indiana and Blue Ball, Ohio, then passing through Intercourse, PA on his way to a second Climax in NY.

      • Hey, Ian—-what did (my) great State of Texas ever do to you? 😉

        Austin IS cool but the rest of the state rocks pretty damn well too.

        Yeah, we’ve had some looney politicians but……. 🙂

        • Sorry hesatthecurb,

          I was having a terrible afternoon.

          I’m originally from Texas; born in Houston.

          I was actin’ a-fool. Mea Culpa.

  • My STBX said, “He is afraid that if he comes back into the marriage he will go back into his OWN WORLD and hurt me again.” I guess his “OWN WORLD” explains it all! His happiness, his fun, his needs, his………, just fill in the blank because in his “own world” no matters expect him. It must be nice in that world of his.

    • He’s already prepping his excuse for next time. (I warned you it might happen again). Probably good to take his advice and not take him back. He’s handing you a giant red flag. It’d disguised as “I care about you and don’t want to hurt you”…. translation: “If you take me back I will continue to do what I do, lie and cheat, then blame you for taking me back because I warned you”

  • Once upon a time there was an emotional toddler named Fat Bastard who lived in a magical land called The Rules Don’t Apply To Me Because I’m SPECIAL.

    Fat Bastard spend his days in this magical land strolling the Forests of Strange Twat, paddling down the river of Incest Porn, and dipping his teeny tiny tallywhacker in the tinking fountain of Twitter Tramps. He lived on Cake and Kibble and he grew large and flabby from it.

    Fat Bastard had a magical mirror that made his 400lb hairy backed, flabby, pasty body look like Joe Manginola in Magic Mike XXL, and that’s the image he believed in because he was the prince of the magical land of The Rules Don’t Apply To Me Because I’m SPECIAL. He had a special gallery of all the wonderous things he found in the Forest Of Strange Twats and fountain of Twitter Tramps, and he looked at them whenever the Evil Queen Gepster was off saving lives in the Swamp of the Infirm.

    One day Evil Queen Gepster found Fat Bastards special gallery. She saw how he’d been spending his days and when she confronted him he said “NO! I haven’t been spending my days traveling through the Forest of Strange Twats, I’ve been in a dark place called I Don’t Know How To Deal With Being Married, but i promise you Queen Gepster I’ll never go there again!”

    And Queen Gepster believed him, for secretly she was a Chump.

    But Fat Bastard had lied to Queen Gepster. He continued visiting the Forest, and the River, and the Fountain. He gazed into his Magical Mirror and saw only what he wanted to see.

    When Queen Gepster discovered his lies she became enraged! Flames shot from her eyes, obscenities poured from her mouth, objects hurled from her hands at Fat Bastards head and she uttered the magical words “I’m DONE! Pack your shit and get the FUCK out of MY HOUSE!”

    And thus Fat Bastard was cursed. he was banished forever from the land of The Rules Don’t Apply To Me Because I’m Special. Fat Bastard was forced to gather his Flying Monkeys, his magical mirror was shattered, and he was doomed to spend the rest of his lonely days couch surfing, working minimum wage jobs, and seducing trailer trash Queen Gepster wanna be’s.

    Queen Gepster burned down the Forest of Strange Twats,dammed off the River of Incest Porn and took a sledgehammer to the fountain of Twitter Tramps. She made a bonfire from Fat Bastards special gallery, and renamed the land of The Rules Don’t Apply To Me Because I’m SPECIAL.

    This land is now called I Deserve Better Than This. It borders a lovely place called Meh, and some sunny tuesday Queen Gepster plans to travel to Meh and eat Pie.

        • THIS! My now XH told me he didn’t know how to be married or in a relationship! Wow, he seems pretty good at the hundreds of relationships he had going for ten years with other women…telling them he loved them and wanted to take care of their needs, it’s all about you sweet heart! Ashley Madison was his garden of Eden…along with assorted other hook up sites…he believed he was living in the land of living single in a married world. WTF! Also the inevitable, and mysterious, “dark place!”

        • Gepster—that is absolutely one of the most entertaining things I have read in my life!

          You do so have a way with crafting words, whether you are soothing someone’s shattered soul or making us guffaw in delight.

          You are a gem. You sparkle in the bestest of ways.

          Dare I say I (and ALL of CN) love you?

    • Amazing storytelling, Gepster! Love it! The magical land called the Rules Don’t Apply to Me Because I’m Special. They all live there, don’t they…

      Sounds just like mine, minus the incest porn (ew, who knew that was a thing?). But this Little Prince frolicked in another special place too: The Wonderful World of Married Cheating Whores on Adult Friend Finder. And the sweet land of Barely Legal Girls on Facebook to Whom He Told His Tales of Woe with Evil, Miserly SurferChump.

      When caught, the Little Prince told SurferChump that, well, she was just kinda boring because she loved to surf and travel, which they spent years “happily” doing together, but if she would just make more of an effort to be perfect then His Majesty wouldn’t feel the urge to fuck other people. “That’s right, SurferChump, your love of surfing caused me to cheat, because you’re just so boring! But I let you pay for me to go on all those surf trips and all sorts of other trips, because, well, I wanted the travel photos for my Facebook page.”

      Then later, when SurferChump finally wised up and dumped His Majesty, His Majesty proclaimed, “I had an addiction problem! The drugs made me do it!”

      Nope, sociopathy made you do it.

      I hope Tuesday comes soon so we can all go to the land of Meh and eat so much pie!

    • Standing Ovation for the Gepster!!! I was picturing Wonkaland, but with vaginas and breasts and live sex shows.

        • Know it all alert: May I clarify?

          I have 7 pair of chaps that I wore while showing my horses. ALL chaps are assless. I understand that saying ‘assless chaps’ has more punch than saying ‘chaps’ but nonetheless, if chaps had an ass, they’d be pants.

          🙂 😉 😉

    • I was going to write this was a great story, but it’s actually a tragic story written by a great person.

  • The 240lbs of pointless human flesh I was married to spent a great deal of time in “Denial.” Apparently it’s a marvellous place to live, no accountability or consequences.

    Have a wonderful cheater free weekend fellow chumps!

    • 240 lbs of pointless human flesh! That’s such a great image. Just flesh with no purpose at all. It’s funny because it’s true!

  • I’m pretty sure the “dark place” and the “happy place” are pretty much the same spot with a rotating “welcome to…..” sign. When the cheater is with us it’s a “dark place” along the pity me river where life is so difficult and the vultures are circling the woes is me tree as they make their way to the hard times cafe for some sad sausage. Then five minutes later with schmoopie they rotate the sign and the same space is their “happy place” with the villa in Strangeville along the happiness highway where they smile under the sun as they make their way through the pussy buffet.

    Doesn’t matter if you’re the cheaters “dark place” or “happy place” both are a lie they’re telling themselves and the rest of the world to justify their shitty behavior.

    • Exactly. The dark place is reality and the terrible things they did. The happy place is the escape Unfortunately for schmoopie, the happy place then becomes the dark place, or at least I am hoping that is what happens.

  • Golly, map the geography of my cheaters soul…well one thing is for sure, her soul wasn’t home with me in the kids.

    Sometimes it seems as her soul was in a Monopoly game. You know she always would “roll the dice” and she would always love the “free parking” – She was constantly taking a “chance” – she always had her paws in the “community chest” – Her and schmoopie visited the “hotels” on “Boardwalk” but most of the time she was hanging and banging in the “houses” on “Mediterranean Ave” – Oh, she would never forget to pass “Go and collect her $200.00” from me daily – In the end, boy did I have to pay the “Luxury Tax” to get rid of her – the only regret I had was she never had to “Go to Jail.”

  • Cheaters are drawn to places that are very, very foggy. Because of the dense fog, each cheater has a gas light on their front porch as a beacon, which helps cheaters navigate but sends chumps wandering around in a place of confusion. On Fridays after work, they get together at a hip local place called Denial. Their drinks are far more intoxicating than at the boring place up the road called Responsibility where the chumps hang out. If cheaters wander too far out of the fog, they are arrive at a place of realization, which is scary because it has little fuzzy, 4-legged guilt monsters scurrying in the shadows. (Quick! Squash that guilt monster and run back into the safety of the fog!) They return home (guided by their shining gas light) to their cozy home at the Memory Tower Apartments, which is located at the intersection of Rationalization Place and Happy Avenue. Unfortunately they often lose their keys and cannot figure out how to unlock the door to Memory Tower, so they wander back into the fog. Eventually they wind up at the local dive bar where their favorite songs “I Dunno,” “I Can’t Remember,” and “Schmoopie Days” play on a continuous loop. Ahhh, cheaterville. It’s a convenient place.

  • It didn’t take much self analysis and therapy for me to identify a strong maternal instinct as being detrimental to my overall mental and physical health. I was the oldest of five children– I helped raise my younger siblings, as my mother did. She was also the oldest of five children. Codependent behavior guidelines were part of the definition provided to me to be “a good woman” (who wouldn’t want to be THAT girl?). It took a tremendous amount of work to overcome my basic instinct to “fix” or “care for” others. I am quite sure that this chumpy behavior (although it might be appropriate for small children and pets) is quite inappropriate for relationships between two people who should be adults because of their age. I am also sure that this particular quality made me terribly attractive to those who would choose to never grow up.

    Ultimately all these “places” these disordered POS fuckwits find themselves in exist because they refuse to GROW UP. They find a way to blameshift all their actions, to sidestep all responsibility, to never even have to live up to all their grandiose predictions of their impending greatness. They actually live in a compartment inside their sociopathic brain where they are entitled to enjoy the fruits of everyone else’s labors. They should be able to enjoy sex anywhere they choose to play. They do not see themselves as predators at work or online — they are just spreading the wonderfulness of their marvelous selves amongst the “little people” who exist to serve them. Those little people should be appreciative of the opportunity to bask in the aura of greatness they exude, as well. Lucky, lucky little subservient chumps!

    When I look back now at the “red flags” I did not see — a desire to escape the adult world is the strongest indicator for the jerks I knew. It may be natural to want to take a vacation — a break — from the adult world. It is often full of stress and can be very exhausting. But adults know that they cannot afford to vacation all the time. The realize they have to work, pay bills, and keep agreements. All these trips to a Dark Place, or adventures in Happy Land, or Passages to Erotica are just diversions. These disordered folks are permanent ex-patriots from the Land of Reality.

    • Great words of wisdom Portia. The journey with loved ones is what its all about – that’s what I signed up for when I got married and started a family – that’s what brings the true happiness. For cheaters it’s all about the destination (an illusion of their so called permanent escape).

      • SureChumpedAlot – Getting married and starting a family may have brought true happiness for you, but I believe for these cheaters getting married and having a family is anything but “true happiness”. Often times, they go through the motions (of marriage, children) and they end up seeing it as a huge and unbearable burden, which they need to unload asap. They don’t have the same morals and values as a non-cheater does.

        • Kellia, my XH is 53 yrs old.Cheating fucking coward, Dad and grandpa.
          He and his 23 yr old, gf, grandpa fucker are having a baby! Real life soon! Guess the fantasy is now going to become reality.
          Amazing! Our daughter is 2 yrs older than her, my son one year younger. Grandkids 3 and 2.
          I guess its okay to dispose of one Family and run out and start another in a flash. Oh
          But they are despicable, dishonorable assholes.
          karma train coming real life soon!

            • Anne, not my circus not my monkeys!
              That 23 yr old already has daddy issues, let alone a new set of issues quickly approaching.
              I feel the probability of this situation lasting, is very slim.

              • Anne, I do trust that they both suck!
                This is a fantasy turned real life reality, and it wont end well.

  • Many cheaters need to ‘escape’ to go to that place… The dark place is often the back seat of a car, or the woods.. or broom closet at work with poor lighting.

  • My EX Cheater “Lost his way” and went to a “dark place”. He felt a void. He wanted a “place” full of passion and desire. If I had read CL’s book at this point I would have slammed the door on him to “that place”. Now “I” am in a NEW place, my only place…. far far far away from his place, LOL>

    When you compartmentalize, I would imagine you can travel many places in you sick SEEDY mind.

  • “I don’t know what I want – I’m confused” seems to be my ex-cheaters go-to place, and the battle cry of any cake eater. She had a pattern of overlapping relationships and screwing over her partners, securing another relationship before leaving the previous. The previous chump is of course left devastated and confused over how she could pull such a move, who she really is, what was real and what wasn’t, and trying to register the fraud they’ve been a part of for however long. The new chump however, is reveling that they’ve found their soulmate, since socio-vixen can morph into seemingly anyone, taking on traits and interests of their new partner. It’s demonic at best.

    “I’m confused” is a nod at absolving herself and that something bigger than her is happening… to her not by her. Can’t you understand this is hard for me too? You keep pushing me!

    • Michael,

      Match Girl does it exactly the same way. I thought because we had talked about her past extensively that she had an awareness of her past bad behavior and a commitment to changing her behavior.

      After MG moved to Schmoopieville, I found her journals. She hadn’t disclosed even half of her past infidelities. Lucky me, I was the only one stupid enough to marry that bitch. I can’t wait until the time is right to reach out to her other Chumps if it will help my divorce.

      Sounds like the girl who Chumped you talked about her past with you. How did that conversation go? I am curious what other traits these sluts share.

      • I talked extensively with my ex about her past too, or so I thought. Aside from having a string of boyfriends, one after another, she also admitted to having sex with over 20 men by age 22. At the time she made it seemed like she really regretted her past and that she was taken advantage of by men much older than her. In one of her stories, she told me she was forced to have sex with a stranger while her boyfriend at the time watched. I told her that’s rape and her response was that she never thought about it that way. Strange response but it didn’t register with me at the time. She also made it seem like she has never met a gentleman, who treated her like a lady – with love and respect and I was the first. This has proven to be straight from her playbook. I would realize this too late.

        When I was courting her, the was a man who would all and text her all the time. I later also found some emails from him to her asking her to come back. She made it seem like this was an ex-boyfriend who she broke up with 6 months prior, and who would not leave her alone. I told her this was potentially stalking. Some conversations went on between them, right in front of me. But I didn’t understand because they spoke in Spanish. She eventually stopped having contact with him after weeks of me insisting that she change her number.

        I realize now that this was the person she was dating when she met me, and that I was the other man. Again, I realized this too late. She was securing a relationship with me before leaving him. In a turn of events, at the end of our marriage, she contacted him after 2 years of no contact, secure a relationship with him once again and quickly abandoned our marriage. He was happy to take her back.

        I am sure she’s made up some horrible thing about to tell him to invoke sympathy from him because she always made herself seem like a victim. That is her MO. But I know now that she was the perpetrator all along.

      • And don’t feel stupid about marrying her Ian. Those of us who are not disordered couldn’t imagine the depth of deception these sociopaths are capable of. My ex also acted like she had an awareness of her past and was committed to change. But we both know how that went.

        • Mine, too. Serial cheater & emotional abuser in his previous marriage, but he showed insight and remorse that he blew up that relationship, so I thought he was safe (especially after we had children together). Nope, he ramped up the ugly because 2 kids = less narc supply for him. Asshole.

          • It goes to show that they know exactly what they’re doing. No FOO issues, underlying causes or confusion. They know themselves and know who to hide it from to get what they want. And the older they get the better they are at it.

      • My head was so far up my ass that when my ex said that she was going to start journaling major life events, I verbally encouraged her and promptly forgot all about it. I was later to find out that I’d been undergoing an evaluation period. By the time I remembered the journals, she was long gone. I’d love to know what was in them. I doubt she told me even half the truth, because she didn’t want to seem weak or vulnerable. That of course gave her the upper-hand, because I’m an open book.

        At the beginning of our relationship we discussed her proclivity to run off on her partners and she said that she had grown, matured, and realized that it was wrong. And of course that she loved me like she’d never loved those other guys who neglected her. I desperately wanted to believe her, so I did. I had a lot of emotional junk I was working through, so I saw her as damaged in an equal way; now I realize that while I went through years and years of therapy, her experience of recovery was just deciding one day that it was all in her past (until it wasn’t!). And if those other guys neglected her the way I “neglected” her, the entire story was a load of shit.

    • Michael-

      My ex went to the land of “I’m confused” as well. One of the most hurtful things he did and the thing I could never wrap my head around was his choice to keep lying and cheating even though I gave him an out. For about three months, he went out every night after work to drink with his colleagues.

      I gave him a wide berth at first because a lot of people were getting laid off due to some huge changes, but after a month or so it started getting on my last nerve so I started speaking up. On the evening they “consummated” their twu wuv, he stayed out all night “drinking” which was a couple of months after the late night drink fests started.

      I told him I was all set with his crap; this is not how married people behave and that I had been looking at condos closer to where I worked. I thought it was time to start talking about divorce. He rushed home and talked me out of leaving; begged me not to actually. Then he continued his affair for another month until I found out!

      When I asked him why he didn’t jump out of the window that I opened for him-I didn’t know about his affair at that point so why not just take me up on my offer? His answer “I was confused.” “I didn’t know what I wanted.”

      Sure he did. He wanted cake!

      They literally all share one brain cell!

      • After all was said and done and divorce was coming. I asked asswipe just stop lying to me there is no longer any need for you to lie. Kept lying keeps lying. An effing liar through and through so I lied and told him yeah sure dude we will still be friends. Why continue lying when nothing phases me anymore? Lies to his whore too. This lying constantly only starting when he went sniffing out new pooch. Never lied to me once in 27 years. What about new pooch makes them change so. Fuck them all!

      • I gave my ex an out too for about 2 weeks. That was 13 days too long. Guess what she did with that time? She kept sleeping with the OM and started getting high again. Each time I spoke to her during that period she would play the “I’m confused” card with a side of self-pity. She started crying each time. The last time, little did she know, I was driving to her while we were on the phone. She was sitting in her car pretending to cry. I surprised her. Guess what? No tears. Super busted!

        It took me a while to grasp the degree of deception, coldness, and acting skills she was using on me. Once I did though that was all I saw when I looked at her. Repulsive.

        • Wow michael. I’m so sorry. It really is amazing that people act this way. My x has been the cold hard type. No emotion except silent anger. He went to work one day and I didn’t hear from him for 4 months. It’s really still so hard to believe that people are this way. I bet she freaked out when you found her (but probably covered pretty well cause she’s crazy). People who haven’t been through this so don’t get it.

          • So sorry for you as well Kay. I can’t imagine what must have gone through your head not knowing what was happening. Yes, people who haven’t gone through it cannot possibly understand and I’ve learned that it’s futile talking to people like that. But I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

  • I thought we were happily living in Monogaville on Forever Lane but it turned out it was mismarked on his map. He thought he was living in IncreasinglyUnhappyInTheMarriageville which it turned out was a gateway community to Entitlement City where activities include spreadsheets (and I mean SPREAD) of the stats of 1000+ of your favorite porn stars, weekly strip club visits for a rub and tug and meaningless affairs with whoever needed money bad enough to tolerate him. Now I live in the happy land of Meh (unmarked on maps to keep out trolls and kibble seekers) while he lives in CarefulWhatYouWishFor with his latest stripper girlfriend, a shit ton of debt and his nice guy cover completely blown.

  • My dark place was being married to the asshole. His dark place was fucking any unfortunate woman, likely in the service industry and ideally with a personality disorder along the lines of Borderline. My home, our bed, his, “I need time to be a better husband” apartment – pretty much anywhere I suspect.

    He fancies himself a unicorn, a knight in shining armour. He’s delusional.

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    • Sounds wonderful. Luckily for me, it’s Tuesday and I’m in Mehtown. Poor sausages. They can’t have Meh. (Actually, they deserve every last iota of Meh we passively waft their way)

      • Mine doesn’t want to go to Meh, he is at Top-of-the-World with his new GF, million dollar mansion, and trips all over the world to give conference talks. I’m sure his cost-benefit analysis points to “Worth it!” to fuck over his family. My only consolation is that he is already complaining that new GF isn’t very good at academic discussions (which he did have with me); she’s also dull at conversation (I’ve been told). So he’ll start cheating on her once the novelty wears off.

  • When my ex was in his self-described “dark place”, it would’ve been nice if the gleam off his wedding band could have lit his way somehow. Except he stopped wearing it. His explanation? He didn’t “feel married.” The saddest part is, at that point, I still believed he was faithful to me…

    He was at Dark Place, but I was in Spackle City.

    • Yep. The Ex didn’t wear his ring for over 5 years. As soon as I kicked him out, he started wearing a “commitment ring” for Schmoopie. I’ll admit, it stung a little at first, but I just pretended (to him) I didn’t notice it.

    • Get Out Yo Seat, my husband stopped wearing his wedding ring around the time he started traveling with Howorker. What was weird is that he put it back on when we were going through wreckonciliation, but he twisted it all the time like it was burning his finger. LOL.

        • Yes, it actually made me nervous to see the angst with which he twisted his wedding ring when he finally put it back on again. It seemed like he was close to taking a knife and cutting his finger off rather than suffer through wearing it. All those years he traveled with Howorker he couldn’t wear his wedding ring because of working around the farm, but he was able to wear his class ring on trips with no problem.

    • hahaha – cheater “lost” his ring a few years after we married. Said he had it in his pocket because he was working on the car and it must have fallen out. I believed him and bought him a new one. He “lost” the 2nd one when he was in the ocean on a beach trip. Being the chump I am, I made the comment “you only get 3 strikes (rings) and you’re out”. He used my comment as his reason not to buy another ring. Yep, in our 24 year marriage, he probably wore a ring for about 4 of those years. Hindsight….man, I wish I had realized more things earlier than I did.

      • Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to prove it. Said he couldn’t wear it b/c of work. Asshole.

        • My stbx narc didn’t wear ring because of work. At work is where he met 22 yo he lives with for last 2 months. I met him15 years ago in recovery. 5 months ago I woke up to the writing on the wall and started cleaning out back room. Found his 12 step notebook. It was all there – he cannot love, cannot feel for others. People are objects to be used for his goals. When objects do not comply with no rules apply to him then the control mechanisms of threats, intimidation, bullying, manipulation, etc. Are used. It’s all a game to them. They must “win’. The rage, blame, self pity acts that send you round and round… they know what they are doing. I am so sorry I had a child with this disordered porn loving creep. But she is beautiful and smart and is such a wonderful gift. Her father flaunts this OW in front of her leaving her so confused and I hate what he is doing to this child. But she in an honors student and keeping her grades up. She is so strong – not like him. He is weak and pathetic. His game playing at 48 y.o. is patbetic. You can right through the stupidness but he thi ks he is like righteous or something. LOL. The entitlement is laughable. Because he was unhappy and wanted out.
          Like being unhappy gives someone the right to destroy. Amazing. Papers are filed . Lets do this. My heart goes out to everyone here. Thanks to all of you.

      • OMG, the Ex “lost” his a few years into our marriage, too. (My fault, of course, because I insisted he do the oil change himself because we were just starting out and both working shitty jobs and couldn’t afford to have it done professionally.) Shortly after that, we found out I was pregnant, so I bought him a new ring. He wore it for a while. After D-Day #1, I was on the infidelity diet and lost so much weight that my wedding ring slipped off, unnoticed. I never found it. But I bought a new one immediately because, well… it’s a wedding ring (duh!)

      • Mine lost his while raking. I think he actually lost it because we, (the ex, me and our two children) spent an entire Saturday afternoon looking for it on the front lawn. We had to stop when it got dark but took up our efforts again when it was daylight the next day.

        He acted like he was really upset about the whole thing so I didn’t bug him to buy another one. Of course to him that meant that I “didn’t love him” so that was one of the four reasons that our marriage was over anyway so it was okay for him to cheat. Of course I’m sure if I bothered him incessantly about buying a new one I would’ve been a “bat shit crazy person” so our marriage was over anyway, so it was okay for him to cheat.

        They are all so special that way aren’t they?

        • He probably had it in his pocket the whole time. The harder they ‘look’ the higher the chances they have it. Seem that move a few times with friends.

        • Mine wore his occasiionally, said it caused a rash. I took my ring off 1 month after dday, he put his on and is still wearing it, and still trying to reconcile. Sorry, not sorry, that will never happen.

          • Asswipe never had a ring doesnt wear jewelry never has. Day after d day i took it off after a month i smashed it. About six months ago i spit on it and threw it in a small pond on the property. I was gonna leave it hanging on a nail when i leave but i figured he would turn it in for the gold and i didnt want the money from the gold. Wasnt worth much cash wise anyway. So i sent it back where it came from.

  • A narc ex boyfriend I dated before stbx husband talked about being in a “deep hole” when he broke up with me and how he’s “going to somehow climb out of this…” WTF?

  • My ex-wife serial cheater would enjoy hitching rides on the USS Enterprise on Star Trek. – You know “to boldly go where no cheater has gone before.”

    What a titturd twat.

  • Ex liked the “bored place”. When I asked him why he posted photos of his “junk” online he said, “I was bored”.

    • Yes! The ex started fucking the OWhore because he was “bored”! Poor baby, had to turn his love of watching teen porn into reality. Fuck I’m glad he’s gone, disgusting old prick ?

  • Oh the places he went? Droid, please! He was too lazy to actually go anywhere. He f@cked her in our bed.

    • And my second cheater, was a very special sausage. He was all about showing the world how he had moved up Maslow’s triangle and ‘needed’ to give back. Because he was so evolved. And so so so so good, you see.

      He struggled so hard to be good (err, keep his marvelous tool in his pants), but normal life was too pedestrian. His special snowflake was trapped in this awful world where meals need to be cooked – like everyday. Gratifications were delayed *shudder*. And sex was for just one person *münch scream*.

      Oh the places he could no longer go with this ball and chain called a relationship.

      And of course it’s my fault because I bought into his narrative. That modern life is so hard for a male. Mustn’t let them feel trapped.

      The real dumbass was me *sighs*

      • Maslow is turning over in his grave that cheaters and Esther Perel think deception is “self-actualization.”

      • Mine did it in our bed at home, then when I said he had to show me respect, in our bed at our cottage, then finally on our bed at our house in Florida. Such a gentleman!

        • Oh, sadlady15. That’s just sick. My friend Kar Marie would say he’s nothing but a pod-person. He’s not a gentleman, but you’re a lady. You’re too good for him.

    • That is just wronger than wrong, it’s bad enough that they do it anywhere else, but fucking them in bed at home??? How can they even look in the mirror each day, disgusting assholes.

      • When i realized that whore juice got porked in my bed. How rude! That bed went out the door in the yard. I went down to sears that day bought a brand new virgin bed and all the new bedding. On asswipes credit card and that night told him to leave. He had to haul the old bed away! Since the house was awarded to me and even before i told asswipe that bitch steps one foot on this property i will call the cops and have both of you arrested and your business will be out in the street all of it. He still has two more months to obtain financing coming along nicely so far. I told him long ago you want her you have her! Youve sucked as a husband for awhile let her have you now!

      • My bed. My marriage-bed. Our motherfucking bed. I had to toss my $3000 TempurPedic because Match Girl couldn’t even wait until my plane landed in Austin to get Match Stick in ***MY BED***!!! (I still had “Find My Friends” on at that point. (More like, “Collocate a Cunt.”) I turned it off for good the next afternoon when I saw her drive to his house. (Phone records bitch! It’s not rocket-science.)

        • In your case Ian, moral compass pointing to their Bermuda Triangle. Sluts and asswipes all of them!

        • same here Ian, my bedroom is where i keep all my family photos displayed. nice of you to be able to fuck someone surrounded by pictures of your kids. (Phone records bitch! It’s not rocket-science.) love this. yup over a thousand text messages a month to her but couldn’t take the time to tell me you were “unhappy”

          • Oh my gosh – exactly! Text messages and 300 phone calls a month with OW for months, but can’t tell me to my face. Told everyone else but me he’s so miserable at home. Such cowardly pieces of shit. I put a picture of our dog’s shit for the picture of narc on my phone. Immature yes, but hilarious when I did screen shot of a text of his to show he was lying. I texted him the screen shot of what he said and there’s the picture of poop by his name. Be didn’t even notice. Priceless.

  • The dark place was guided by the dark side he wrote about in his cheater poems. Cheater criteria: must have a beach pass, buy him presents, pay for meals, see him as a victim/good guy. Once he scores one its off to an out of the way sleaze bar where he cant be seen with her (still dating). HoJo, Casino, Pancake House is the trifecta for a keeper.

    Dr Seuss, The places you go.

    “Somehow you’ll escape
    all that waiting and staying
    You’ll find bright places
    Where Boom Bands are playing”

  • My cheater said he was going through “a phase.” I don’t know if “a phase” qualifies as a place or not. However, I’m proud to say that both my kids recently told me I’m emotionally in “a better place” right now than their dad is. They say he’s drinking a lot, and on the verge of tears quite often. Apparently his fantasy with OW didn’t work out, and he’s had some major cutbacks where he works. He sacrificed almost everything in his life for his work, and now they say he has almost nothing to do. Thank goodness he’s tenured, though, so there’s not a big risk of him being laid off completely.

    I have to admit I almost felt sorry for my ex when the kids told me about him, but I felt proud that both of them said I’m stronger than he is. What’s interesting is that when they were growing up, they saw their dad as the strong one. Guess the tables have turned, but I’m not gloating. I’m just grateful to have faith, friends, and family who helped me go from surviving to thriving.

    • Lyn, I can’t tell you how glad I am to read your post. So the fantasy with OW didn’t work out, hey. Isn’t your ex the one who plotted out the whole trajectory about how he was going to infiltrate her life and then moved into her parents’ basement? Sucks when reality sets in.

  • My ex told me he “derailed”. Apparently he was a locomotive at high speeds towards strange pussy and fucking up, not just his life, but mine and the children’s too.

    • That is word for word how my Ex described his cheating as all OW’s fault…”I tried to stop her, Muse, but she was all over me like a train wreck!” LOL. Poor cheater.

      • lmao!! poor guy, what choice did he have? mine said it was because she called him. told him i didn’t know we were supposed to fuck everyone who called us, guess i’ve been doing wrong all these years by simply having conversations.

  • From what I have gathered, my spouse lived in a magical place where his kibble dispenser wife tended the home, raised the children, and worked howevermany hours were required to make the budget balance after he bought whatever he wanted ignoring the limitations of his own salary. He didnt want to wife to notice what a selfish prick he was so he endlessly criticized and condemned the wife with incessant complaints about minutiae keeping her busy spinning in little circles trying to appease & please him.

    In this special world, he was a great dad and Catholic man who spurned all the passes neighbor ladies made at him and he told his wife about them so that she would be convinced that he was a faithful husband.

    But something magical happened when he drove away and went to work, once outside the view of the “dome of marriage” he was free to do whatever suited him at work or on business trips. He had a favorite whore who he screwed in Seattle, Tampa, Salt Lake City and San Francisco.

    This set up worked quite well, especially since this man always insisted that they never live close to where he worked, no he needed SPACE between him and his work to “clear his head”.

    And this worked so well for so long. On the rare days when the spouses were invited to a work event, the man would pick fights with his wife on the way that were so abusive and emotionally violent that she was completely traumatized and ripped into bloody shreds before they arrived. She was in so much pain that she fully missed whatever clues to his philandering there may have been present that night.

    Ah but life is so unpredictable. One day when no one expected it, this grumbly abusive man suddenly left his magical spot on earth where he created his own reality and went to live in Purgatory where he and God talk about stuff. His name removed from the land he purchased with that browbeaten woman, she now does whateverthefuck she pleases in her now magical place.

    • @unicornomore

      You raise a good point re: talking about third-party sexual behavior. I always told Match Girl when I felt like a woman was hitting on me. She seemed to enjoy it sometimes. (Actually, sometimes she would egg me on.) I thought that’s what married people do. Humans are physically attracted to one-another. Dealing with it responsibly meant disclosure. In the last month MG used it for gaslighting me. “Ian, don’t fuck your psychiatrist. I know she’s hot and would put-out for you in a second.” I had no idea what gaslighting was. Only through the lens of no-contact did this memory appear.

      • Yes Ian…I also thought that the grown up thing was to discuss it. He told me one reason he didnt wear a wedding ring is that it only increased the “were both married so lets not tell” propositions he got. I, of course, assumed he spurned them all. I recently found some married womans pay stub in my house…why the fuck would you have some gals paystub (no he wasnt a realtor or accountant or anything that would require such things)? He told me that the beautiful nymph next door to us in Kansas flung herself at him once she learned where he graduated from (marginal prestige). His mentioning these things REALLY DID convince me that he didnt cheat…I had no effing idea that he just cheated more carefully.

        I now look back at the entirety of our marriage with a different filter and see circumstances differently…I now recognize 4 or 5 varied situations that look like cheating when at the time I just dismissed the situations. I think it started when he was in the Persian Gulf war (25 years ago) up to that point (the first 4 years of our marriage) I think he was endeavoring to be faithful but I think the cheating started with that deployment.

      • The ex used to egg me on when someone was interested in me, too. It was because he was hoping I’d fall for someone so what he was doing would be retroactively legitimized. I’ve no doubt that if I’d strayed, he would have instantly pulled some girlfriend out of his extracurricular life and told me that I’d lost any right I had to object.

    • Unicornnomore, I think our husbands could have been cousins because some of what you described: He is a good Catholic man, the devaluing of us chumps, picking fights etc. sounds oh so familiar…

    • I love it! “She now does whateverthe fuck she pleases in her now magical place!” I say that when I am walking around on MY home every single fucking day!

  • Abandoned parking lots – in full view of the busiest boulevard in our city and all places I have to pass to go anywhere. Panera. Home accessory stores to pretend they were a couple (2nd affair.) First whore/affair? Chili’s on his lunch break. She’d also drive to our street in the wee hours, text him while I was sleeping/nursing/comforting a baby, he’d get up and say he had to take a really big, stinky, loud shit (always a long time) and he’d be using the bathroom on the first floor out of courtesy… but really, he’d go to the park/playground/pond/sports fields behind our house and be lovey-dovey, then get busy in a dugout. Of course, I didn’t discover this until the 2nd affair and during his “telling the truth,” he’d forgotten what I didn’t know. “It’s not like I x, y, z’d with 2nd Whore, like I did with 1st Whore!” Uhhhh, WHAT?! She was also trying to get him to leave me and move with her out of state… yanno, while I have a newborn, 1 year old (they’re 6 days under a year apart), and 27 month old – because we CHOSE to have 3 children and wanted to do that and be done with it, not drag the hard part out for years and years – and I was a SAHM.

    He said that the only thing that stopped him was her being “so gross.” (She IS but… was that supposed to make me feel better? lol) The idea of getting away seemed great but then people would hate him and he’s pretty sure I would nail his financial balls to the wall forEVER and no one would blame me. Plus, “I’ve really gotten used to having the kids around… it would be weird for me if I didn’t see them anymore.” Yeah – weird for you to break routine with the only normal part of your life. That’s all?

    ME, ME, ME… people will hate ME. You will chase ME. You will hurt ME. That gross whore will be walking around with ME and embarrassing ME. My family will be disgusted with ME. And you’ll still look good to everyone else.

    Poor baby.

    • Men cheating on a pregnant woman, or a woman with a newborn should all be sent to the same arena. Then let the rest of us dudes perfect our killing skills on their unarmed asses Hunger-Games style.

      • I’m down with that!

        His “maybe-a-little-too-close friendship” (what I thought it was and hated at the time) lasted from when our first was 11 months old until our youngest was just over a year old. In addition to growing/birthing children, breastfeeding, and taking care of meals/home from scratch, I also cleaned houses for a few hours, every morning, because he’d been fired and while he had a new job, it wasn’t nearly enough. I made more cleaning than he did working 10-hr, 6-day weeks. We had sex almost every day. I had no family to help me – my family, my problem, in my mind – and my friends were all still in the post-college/real-job/party every night because we can phase.

        His primary complaints to me? I don’t “let him” buy videogame consoles and games and accessories (because we were fucking dirt poor wasn’t a good enough reason, I guess) and I made soup/stew too often. Oh- and that I was a nag because I wanted him to come with me on errands – as our date because we couldn’t afford a real one – on his “one day off!” for an hour or two. And bitched about me leaving the children if I went alone.

        With one car – he took over mine and never had had one of his own – I HAD to do all the errands on his day off. Apparently, I didn’t get to have a day off… because I was a SAHM with “a little job on the side.” That little job provided us with a down payment for a house and he used that move/job change/cell change as an opportunity to disappear from the Whore. Ugh… tangent over. I could go on forever.

        Suffice to say – I was too exhausted to notice an affair.

        • Insist, same here…..working 6-7 days a week, taking care of the house, his mother all winter when she would come down to get out of the NE winters, taking care of my mother, he never taking me out on a date cuz he couldn’t afford it while going on vacation up north, blah, blah, blah, so I too was too exhausted to notice an affair….the asswipe! I’m soooooooooooooo very glad that is all behind me now…..I see MEH just ahead!

  • I mentioned it yesterday, but my ex always said we were in a place where we needed to “start over.” The cultural norms of Startovertopia may seem unusual to people who’ve never visited before.

    First, when you go through customs, your prior record is swept completely clean. All records or soliciting prostitutes, abusing your spouse, and generally just being an arseshole are permanently expunged. After this, it is taboo to mention the past.

    Second, you must smile, coo and make loving gestures your partner now that their record is clea. Everyone is blissfully happy in Startovertopia. Its considered very bad form to frown, complain, or express unhappiness. If you do, you will be taken to the border and shot.

    Third, you should also be aware that the laws here are made as needed, and are different for every person. For example, its OK for a cheater to flirt with his coworkers while you’re watching, even if it hurts your feelings. But its a felony for you, the spouse, to mention any of the reasons why you might feel hurt by this. If you’re are confused, please ask your sponsor to explain the laws and local customs to you. The person who sponsored your entry into Startovertopia will be making the rules, so you need to consult them frequently to avoid deportation.

    Finally, be sure that you return every six months. Not returning will mean that you are no longer eligible to travel anywhere in life with you spouse. You will be considered an uncooperative, a traitor, or possibly even a terrorist, and dealt with accordingly.

    • DoneNow, Great job!! Oh yes, as chumps we are invited to the world of: ‘the we can be friends world’ and ‘why can’t you get over it?,’. Fuck those places!

  • Ah yes…a generic place called “OUT”. My EX was pretty happy to go ‘out’ after dinner and return around 11:30 almost every night. Out was his code for pretty much any place without me. I recall a conversation when I was really struggling with his odd behavior and was honestly asking him if we could spend some one on one time together at least once a week. His reply was “you really want me to stay at home each and every night just sitting and watching TV….I won’t…I won’t live my life like that…” What a gaslighting fucktard.

    A close second is Vegas because this is where EX claimed that OW#2 first jumped into bed with him. (It wasn’t.)

    • moving forward,

      Who are these dudes? Are we living in an episode of The Honeymooners? In the era of cell phones, an hour tops (at the extreme – if I don’t already have an idea where you are) that’s the appropriate timeframe for “out-” of pocket.

  • My EX lives on a college campus where he is still about 20 (so, circa 1978). He still thinks he’s a freshman; no one knows what a nobody he was in high school; and he can flirt with every young woman he sees. There are no consequences, no commitments, and no responsibilities.

    • Yes, my prof-cheater often stayed out til 5 a.m. after graduate student parties. I thought he was simply discussing the mind-body problem (rather than living the mind-body problem).

  • My cheater’s place was a skanky vagina who lived in a bedsit over a betting shop down the crappy little road where his office building was. She happened to be his line manager at his pathetic job. All the “overtime” he took on to pay off his debts…never showed up on the paycheque. That raised suspicions, so I keylogged the computer and the rest is history.

    My mistake was taking on a “rescue boyfriend”. Down on his luck? No, actually he was a serial user of lonely women; he had actually married someone 22 years older than himself then when she threw him out for cheating, he trawled the internet until he found me. He was just a friend until one day I got a desperate phone call in which he claimed to have been threatened by a criminal son-in-law and needed a safe place to stay. I took him in, and he stayed 18 months. What a load of crap he fed me, and I swallowed…until the cracks started to show.

    We spackle and spackle until we make such fools of ourselves. I used to think I was a good judge of character. Problem is, judging character means knowing someone’s history and some mutual friends so you can actually know their patterns of behaviour.

    What place is he in now? Three babies under 3, living in a cruddy rented house, collecting govt benefits, pretending to be disabled (he is a healthy 42 year old) and still selling naked photos of OW online to make beer money. What on earth did I see in him? I really am stupid. But I do like myself. And I work and pay taxes and have retirement savings, and intelligent friends. I no longer seek “project” boyfriends.

    • Wow, that’s a cautionary tale! You are valuable, we all are here, and at least we learn and get much, much wiser!

  • My ex husband found “his place” in the vaginas of bar girls in Phnom Penh. He left the beautiful streets of Melbourne to live in the filth strewn streets of Phnom Penh. He is as happy as a pig in mud and he is in the gutter with the tramp which is where they both belong. He is also at the grand age of nearly 64 raising her 2 very rambunctious boys of 7 and 5. I hope they alone kill the rat if the sex with a 23 year old doesn’t first. I tried for more than 40 years to bring my ex up to my level / standard and he tried very hard to drag me down to his level / standard. I am glad he is over in Cambodia now. Good riddance to the predator because I know that if this girl he has bought doesn’t jump through hoops to keep him interested, there are many, many more where she came from to take her place.

    • Maree he’s jumping through hoops for her. When she tires of his old dick she’ll move on, they are predators and whores. No love there except for themselves, no happy ending for the loser unless he dies during sex.

      • CA, good to hear from a fellow Australian and there are quite a few on CN now, sadly. I don’t wish the old bastard any harm but gee wouldn’t it be poetic justice if he did die during sex. One can only live in hope. You are correct that he is jumping through hoops for this tramp because I have seen proof that she owns him absolutely and she is as unattractive as they come. She must have hidden talents that I can’t see !!

  • Mr Fab was living in the center of his own personal three-ring circus. He often said he would love to be the Architect in the Matrix films. Uggggh. Such a smarmy, slimy spider! Now he lives with Schmoopie, same job, same crass beer bozos he calls friends, just a different apartment (Downgrade’s is rent free, she parasitizes a relative).

    Mehphista and the Kiddo now live in the real world-we are settling in to a new place and culture, trying nre things. Good times, bad times, but such is life. In my imagination,Mr Fab and the Downgrade live under a glass cheese dome where I cannot hear, see or smell them.

    In sort, for all I care: He could be up his own ass, and usually is.

    Love and Happy Friday to Chump Nation!

    x-Meh

      • Actually, under the Cheese Dome of Imagination, they are heads up each other’s asses in a sort of prpetually tumbling oroboros kind of thing. (Drapes scarf over Cheese Dome)
        🙂
        M

  • Idfk where the hell he went. Best I can tell the stupid motherfucker rode his stupid bike to stupidtown and fell off on his stupid ass.

  • Idfk where the stupid motherfucker went. Best I can tell he rode his stupid bike to stupidtown and fell off on his stupid head.

    • I’m chuffed because WordPress is behaving perfectly for me today. Even on my iPhone it’s giving me in-line commenting. (Sometimes ad-blockers bork the commenting.)

  • My EX spent a lot of time in the land of I Have a Lot of My Mind. That was always his response (for years) when I asked “what’s wrong?” etc. due to him being distant, volatile, non-communicative, a total douchebag in general. Turned out the main thing on his mind was screwing OW and figuring out ways to spend my hard-earned $. After nearly 20 years, no savings. Only investments – through my work. But at least I am no longer married to the sparkly turd!

    • I got that all the time: It’s not about me. “We had a bad dynamic for 35 years” He had “things on his mind.” He was tortured and argued with himself. He had “issues”. It turned out the same: the main thing on his mind was screwing the OW and squandering all our money so he could leave me with none and make a “fresh start”. One of my favorite sayings is “wherever you go, there you are”, so he and his OW will have to live with the same crap once he figures out that there is no “breath of fresh air” (as he referred to life with her) wherever he is.

  • There was never any talk about a “dark place” from my ex, but that was because he was so manically obsessed with the fame he considers his due. Any concerns or doubts from another person was met with angry outbursts about their “negativity.” He told me he could not afford any “negative thoughts in his head.”

    My ex truly believed his book about himself was going to be a huge bestseller. He actually told our son that he would take him along on all the book signing tours across the country that he fully expected. Needless to say, the only book signing gig he had was in one donut shop in Cleveland, and even that was only because his sister knows the owner. As for the book being a bestseller, LOL, stupid ex fell for a scam and PAID $5k to have the book printed. Believe me, it did not make that much in sales.

    Ex also would say things like, “God is opening all the doors to my success,” “I’m walking into my destiny,” “I’m living the dream,” and “In three months I’m going to be a huge success.” He sent out a mass email to family and friends saying that the bobble head he designed was going to be a collector’s item, worth a fortune. Endless talk like this. So many insane ideas that he was sure were going to be hugely successful and make him famous. He’s still coming up with them.

    I guess all of his “traveling” was down the pathway into insanity, or more accurately, narcissistic delusions of grandeur.

    • I think this is one of the places where mine went… “I am famous, successful business man land.”

      Like he genuinely thinks that he will be a titan of industry and business. He’s got a million ideas, he’s so smart he’s going to make a ton of money. He should be running his own business and the business where he works his day job.

      Meanwhile I’m over in “We have to pay the mortgage land…” and this was not OK. How dare I ask for a game plan. How dare I suggest that getting paid cash off the books to avoid paying taxes was not OK.

      Though I will say that it is one place that I didn’t get chumped. I made it clear that I would not allow him drive us to financial ruin for him to be the king of this land where he, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk and Steve Jobs all hung out and swapped stories about being titans of industry.. of low grade inflatable furniture. Now it caused him to go underground and cheat on me to punish me because Schmoopy of course “gets” him and is so supportive. But at least he didn’t empty the bank account.

  • Cheater would say: “I need to do some soul searching”, and headed off to the next bar meeting up with the the other lost soul, a single Mom and work colleague soul that needed help in finding her way home. He never came home with his soul found. Up to this day, I see him as an empty soul. You can’t find it if you look for it in OW vagina!

  • Newsflash:

    An evasive species of subhuman sloth-like remains was discovered on Anne’s recliner. This species was identified as “homo-fraudator” by Chumplady. Homo-fraudator, or shortened to Fraud, aka Fucktard to Anne, is known for its tendencies to redirect blame, overuse love language as a cover for character flaws and excuse his mating habits as accidental copulation or in medical terms, an amblyopia dick (amblyopia is commonly called lazy eye, but we are referring to different wandering organ).

    During standardized testing Fraud became discombobulated and modeled pre-adolescent disingenuity and hastily left the real world to “find himself.” Fraud went to the deepest chasms of Vaginaland where he unearthed a pit fraught with the skeletal remains of prehistoric homo-fraudators. Fraud returned to the land of recliners and cake, but he could still hear the hallows of Vaginaland calling for him to return to his ancestors. Legion has it that once a homo-fraudator has heard this call they must return or their egos will forever shrivel until they actually show empathetic tendencies. Fraud was off again to continue the journey to remember where he put himself. Without a backwards glance or waive of regret he dove from the prisons of home, family, and Marriedville to the land of misspent penis.

    • Anne, I’m still surprised homo-fraudulator has mastered human-language skills. It’s obviously the first characteristic they needed to invade our species.

      • Our species hearing is now evolving. I can see his lips moving but all that I hear is something that sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher. The frequency he emits is not on the human channel.

        Him, “Wha, wha.”
        Me, “Sign the paper’s shit head and go back to Vaginaland.”

  • My ex went to a place where he could finally “do what he wanted to do, not what was expected of him by me, my family, his family, etc.” Although we stayed in the particular US state because he wanted to be near his family (my family is no where nearby), after the divorce he promptly moved 2500 miles away.

  • My cheater lived in fantasyland while I speckled and suffered. I served him divorce papers 5 days ago and he is hovering and love-bombing me like crazy. Claims to have “woken up” and now living in reality and wants nothing more than me and the family. UGH

  • By the way, can’t stand Dr. Cheaterpants Seuss. The wife he cheated on committed suicide and the woman he left her for disowned her children because he disliked them. What a fraud.

  • According to my X, we both went to the “numbing and soul crushing matrix of pain that we have crafted, one that is truly beyond comprehension, yet we continue to sustain and in fact fuel it, leading to an almost equal amount of fear that has only added to my illogical but very real panic attacks. I don’t know how two people as smart, caring, and empathetic as we are have arrived at this particular place in our lives.”

    Oh I don’t know, maybe one of us took the blue pill?

  • When the Downgrade hears him leaving messages saying he loves you, sleeps in you bed, knowing he is married, SHE witnessed his dark side. She saw him with his mask off from the start. What can be built upon that? It’s certainly not a place of comfort. She knows what she’s getting. That’s not vulnerability as we are often told narcissists seek out victims. Yet this brings them joy. I call that hell.

    • I know, right? They’ve all joined the Dark Side. Match Stick knows she’s married, and he’s lapping-up that evil. Because Match Girl used me as a human-dildo hours before she put-out for him, I like to imagine him getting a mouthful of my jizz running out of her filthy snatch.

      (Okay, I can feel the Dark Side flowing in me. Better take a breather. I can hear Darth Plagueis calling me.)

        • @DoingMe, Thanks. I’ve been super-angry (more than usual) the last three days, and I’m a bit embarrassed. But I’m so grateful y’all put up with me. [Love the screen-name DoingMe.]

          @Chumptitude You make an excellent point. Without no-contact she likely wouldn’t have had enough rope. Now she’s hung herself. Putting him on the documents also disallows him as any kind of corroborative witness.

          I’m enjoying a little fantasy about them having to talk about me. Him: “I thought you’d be divorced by now.” Her: “Ian’s a big meanie-head and he’s bitter. Him: “That’s okay Schmoopie, I’ll protect you.” Big kiss – and scene.

          To anyone in doubt — no-contact is the only way out.

  • Another big lesson, at least for me. He would say, “I am a bad person. Stay away from me.” When someone tells you who they are, believe them. I kept believing that he was better than he was; but he wasn’t. Apparently he was good enough for her but then she has very low standards.

    • My STBXW told me the very same thing a couple of weeks ago. I was told that OKC was a place for “bad people” like herself and it was not appropriate for “good” people like me. man, these folks do read from the same script…

      • Ex said to our daughter post-D-Day, “I’m a horrible person, I think about it every day” ….while he continued lying and whoring around. with the same AP’s he had for decades during our marriage. Daughter has not seen him since, that was over 2 years ago.

  • MoFaux went a few places:
    1) confused place ~~ “What do you expect from me?” Waaaaaa.
    2) sad sausage place ~~ “My heart was ripped out the day you left.” Never mind about you, Virago, back to me.
    3) the “hard place ~~ where the wall within me affected our intimacy.” Nope. that was your character disorder and ED.
    4) Cloud Cuckoo Land ~~ this conceptual “place where it is clearer and clearer that we will remain great friends even if we are not together.” Another nope. You, MoFaux, are back in confused place. I know. Values and morals and decency can be SO confusing. Have a cookie and some milk. You’ll feel better if you don’t think too much.

  • I don’t know where my wife and her married OM were, went, have gone to, or continue to go – but all I hope is that they end up where they both deserve to be – hell.

  • Well mid life crazy she called it…. I don’t know where she went nor do I want to know. Where ever it was is a dark shitty place! Obviously it reduces the brain to shit. One must develop a sever case of dementia there. Anyway, its all bullshit! When they want cake and SAAP, they will lie. SAAP being Stability and a Paycheck. Because the truth is ten times worse than what one can imagine. Oh btw, if anyone is looking for extra proof for their divorce….. and have access to old phones etc… the programs you can get online to retrieve deleted text do work pretty well….. I have discovered evidence that the truth is MUCH worse than I could have imagined!

    • David, I think your ex is mine in drag! Asswipe said it was a midlife crisis, then possibly the start of dementia. And yes, same here, the SAAP. I didn’t ask dipshit very many questions about the affair. To this day I don’t even know the puttana’s name. I didn’t have much evidence but what little I had forced him to admitting to the affair. Tossed his crap into Hefty garbage bags, threw them and him out that same day! Hasta La Bye-bye, Baby!!!

  • The Poser lived in the lands of:

    1. No consequence.
    2. Deniability.
    3. Retaliation.
    4. Depression.
    5. Rage.
    6. The boxer.
    7. The center of universe.
    8. Cornhole, Colorado.

    No consequence: do anything you please. Unacceptable for authorities or any persons to pass judgment, be it legal or moral.
    Deniability: Never, ever admit. Be the managing partner of Deny, Deny & Denial, LLC.
    Retaliation: response to consequence (see no. 1).
    Depression: response to consequence (see no. 1).
    Rage: response to consequence (see no. 1).
    The boxer: embody ‘floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee.’ Change the stories up, don’t get locked in. Take up rent in their heads while they try to figure it out.
    Center of the universe (thanks, CL): I am.
    Colorado cornhole: seasonable legs open Memorial – Labor Days. (aka mutt huntin’.)

    With the exception of nos. 4 and 8 (no thanks, can’t stand the smell of fish), I can’t find any of these places! Google just takes me to the Dept. of Mental Health. Could someone please get me a map?

  • At our homes while I was abroad sitting out a difficult pregnancy in my home country. Well the final OWhore the yoga bitch that is. His booty call, a local town slut, I am guessing the beach near the bars and at his (unknowing) parents cabins. Who knows if any others and where.

  • Place : teenage land
    Ahole started using jeans when he never wear them. Going to concerts, got tattoos. One of his hashtag “idontwanttogrowup (for real)! This is my situation… “simple” comparing others

  • Hmmm… Where oh where did stbxh go… The “dark” place was our home (with me and our son), when he described this in MC I imagined that our home was in this bubble of storm clouds with torrential rain clouds and howling bitter winds. The “sad” place was his work shop where he cried and cried about how unloved and neglected he was, this place I imagines as a self induced, bleak, post-apocalyptic wasteland that he was stuck in just waiting for me to change somehow and show him the way back to us (please understand that every requested change was accommodated but never quite the right one, gas-lighting anyone?). The “happy” place was/is her vagina, because he deserves to be happy… Ya, I really wasn’t sure how to compete with that nastiness and couldn’t figure out how building this new place (life) on a foundation of broken families and friendships could foster happiness, and still don’t. Please get me to “MEH” so I don’t care!! Now they are on the train to “moved on” and trying to get me to buy a ticket. I’m waiting to see it he make a “stop at can’t understand why my kid hates me” but from what I hear that tends to detour on to “blame the chump” alley, a well known vacation spot for cheaters and APs.

    • MajorCheaterpants requested a transfer from where we were living (with me in school and the kids all doing great) to the place where we live now because he “hated” that other place. (I wonder now if there wasnt possibly work drama with an AP he was trying to escape). So HE moved us here. I was willing to leave when he retired (moving was part of being a supportive military spouse) but right then, he declared his intent to divorce me and I discovered his A, so there was no way in hell he was moving.

      Fast forward to “wreckonciliation” and he bought a big lovely expensive house (we could scarcely afford) against my pleadings that we not go so far into debt. The home is lovely on a wonderful lot..2 acres, trees, birds, playground, garden – really beautiful. I fought against the debt, but the home is wonderful – –

      Fast forward again to him deciding that he would prefer to live somewhere else…cue him stomping, grumbling, spewing nastiness pretty much every day and accusing me of keeping him trapped in what he described as “a hell hole of horror”. About this time I had admitted to myself that he had mental health issues so one day I said “the ‘hellhole of horror’ is between your ears”. He was never brave enough to see that his misery was intrinsic rather than extrinsic.

      I spent YEARS being a gullible submissive chump, but he found my hard stop – I would not move to some random place that he claimed would make him happy – NOTHING made him happy.

      In a minute Im going to put my gardenting clothes on and go dig in the dirt in the very yard I described…Its still lovely, it was never a “hell hole of horror” and when he died, I paid it off then moved my new man in

      • corrention on first paragraph….”there was no way in hell he was moving me somewhere. (He moved away on his own)

  • My stbx is living in a Spanish Soap Opera. I still can’t make sense of the number she did on me. She still blames me for her affair (s?) that resulted in a pregnancy/abortion. Her new antic is “Jesus”. Apparently that makes it alright.

    • The caveat Jesus Cheaters always seem to mentally skip over is the part where he doesn’t forgive you either, unless you’re ACTUALLY really fucking sorry for being a complete shit. SAYING “Sorry that happened” doesn’t cut it. Jesus requires action too. lol

  • The gym, his office, her office, restaurants around town, hotels in Abu Dhabi, Lake George, NY, Chicago, San Francisco, New Orleans, ………….

  • My map of the MLC cheater bad lands is somewhat in the shape of the human body.
    The dark place is south of a place called Yanavel. Its where most of the thinking is done and is also inter changeable for a happy place if the right ho-worker comes along.
    Far above Yanavel is Silent/sullen/sulky- where the language is “I don’t know” and they use a lot of simpleton stares instead of words -it sits in the vicinity of the brain on the map.
    Don’t try to visit the heart center- someone blew it up and its been replaced by a labyrinth of indecision and pockets of deceit.
    The whole landscape is threaded with rivers of crocodile tears, dwindling kibble mountains and is powered by gaslighting. It has a population of one, with transient visitors- usually of a younger demographic, unless like me they were inadvertently stranded there.
    My plane was unfortunately diverted to this corrupt country, it was a brief and disappointing forced stop over. Now as an explorer i push toward the magic place where the Meh live and graze on whatever the hell they want to. So far i have only seen the Meh-ish- still pretty awesome, but a more common subspecies.

  • [crackle]

    Hi! My name is Ashley M. and I’m super-excited to be your Cheaterworld guide today! I need to point out that if you get any sudden urges beyond your control, the bus is equipped with a rest-room; just remember it doesn’t qualify for the mile-high club! Tee-hee!

    Our first stop today takes us to Marriage-land. This is the central section of the park where you can always come back to eat dinner, get your laundry done, and then spend hours ranting about whatever your husband or wife has done to disappoint you. Notice the comfy couches, televisions, separate bedrooms, and wi-fi available to distract yourself from your family. Everything in Marriage-land appears normal.

    Over on the left side of the bus is Fuckbuddie-land! The happiest place on Earth! Here you’ll find other people who get YOU and love YOU just for being YOU! You get to be YOURSELF and enjoy expressing YOURSELF freely and without reservations or those pesky responsibilities like mortgages, soccer practices, or morals. Check out the various naughty-sexy clubs tailored to meet your personal fetish – sponsored by facebook.

    Fun fact! We spared no expense here in Fuckbuddie-land! Notice the golden engraved details etched in the arches; “You only have one life and have every right to be happy in this world!” Be sure to visit the Ashley Madison gift shop on your way in for the latest in crotchless panties, chaps, dildos, nipple-clamps, cock-rings, and the latest in BDSM fuckbuddy accessories!

    And right next door to Fuckbuddie-land we’re enter Gaslight-Town. You’re issued your very own burner cellphone and secret alternative email address so you can explore whatever, whenever, and with whomever all-the-while telling your family that you’re “talking to Mom,” “working,” or “planning a guys/girls weekend.” Gaslight-Town features prizes for every time you lie to your trusting husband or wife and they never suspect anything. Be sure to stay for the bonus round where you make your husband or wife feel shitty for having doubts.

    And now we’re entering into the deepest reaches of Fantasy-land… Dark-place. The mood here is sullen because you’re forced to spend time away from your fuck-buddy. The kids need help with homework, dishes don’t magically jump into the dishwasher, the toilets are clogged, there is a never ending grocery list, and the in-laws are coming over. This is where you’ll find world-famous Resentment Alley where you realize that you’re drowning in your responsibilities, haven’t lived the life you wanted to live, and need to know what it’s like to feel desired!

    But don’t despair! The next stop on our tour is on your left… Twu-wuv-land! Here, your special friend from Fuckbuddie-land is magically transported to your very own corner of heaven – notice everything has a rose-colored hue? Fuckbuddies are wonderful! Fuckbuddies get YOU! Fuckbuddies are faultless! Fuckbuddies never do anything to disappoint YOU! Fuckbuddies are special(er)!

    Well folks… We had a couple more stops on our Cheaterworld tour; Bitter-bunny Hollow, Pauper’s Prison, Loneliness Pavilion, and the Childcare Handoff Bridge, but it seems you’ve lost interest. I’m Ashley M. and I’ve enjoyed being your guide. Have a super-fun day here at Cheaterworld!

    • Brilliant !! I remember once when H1 was pretending to be in Marriage-land, he was inconvenienced by my mom being in a massive car crash that sent her to Neurotrauma ICU on a helicopter. Golly that was so unpleasant …it motivated him to decline to go to the hospital with me so that he could rather log onto the computer and take a virtual vacation into Fuckbuddy-land

      Gosh, its a good thing he had that release valve for his poor-widdle self, actually going to the hospital with his wife wouldnt have been any fun.

  • Oh geez, I don’t WANNA know all the places Mr. Maine Sleeze went to.

    I know he spent a lot of time and money at Recreational Marijuana Stores. And I know he and his Affair Partner got kicked out if Canada.

    I learned (from one of my adult children who witnessed first hand how much was being spent) where HIS PAYCHECK was going! When he started the affair, he stopped paying any bill that wasn’t already set up automatically come out of his bank account. He was visiting Buckley, WA Recreational Marijuana Stores and SMOKING his paychecks away! I suspected he was hitting it hard by how he was behaving after I kicked him out. I called him out on being stoned when driving one our children across town. Ex DENIED he was stoned and made me apologize for such an accusation. The NERVE of me!

    I didn’t find this information out until five months after he moved across the country to shack up with the affair partner. (I found out a lot of things that I wished I didn’t know but Ex has NO idea I know. Like how he cheated on his affair partner)

    While driving across the US with his affair partner and trying to take a short cut through Canada, he was stopped by Canadian Border people, pulled into a room and interrogated. I don’t know for sure all that went down or why but the outcome was he was trespassed from Canada and told if he ever set foot in Canada again he’d be arrested! He and his affair partner then had to take the long way around, driving around the south end of Lake Michigan.

    So, if someone draws a map, make sure to put a “No Entry” sign on Canada above Minnesota and a Mountie pointing to “go back where you came from, US Stoners not welcome’.

    • -The deep outer space of deceit. -The wormhole of his soul. -The constellation of a disordered universe.
      -And, born under a bad sign…

      After D-day, after all the shock and horror started to dissipate I felt like there was only my own stupidity left for falling for all the major love bomb drama crap and shacking up with it for 15 years. I could never do what he did. The price I pay is shattered in pieces – We are just not wired the same way. After D-day, I was fortunate enough to get validation from a couple of inside sources including a family member. He does this to every woman.

      He’s an icy cold narcissist, all façade and capable of turning women into stone. Oh well, too bad, move on, next… Oh sure, from time to time I want him to suffer because he is a waste of space – and his soul is a desolate place. Coming out of this strange fog all I can think is what was I thinking?

      So, I have turned myself in to the ‘Iceberg Ahead’. The only way I could come out the other side was to shut it down, cut it off, no contact, no way, ever again, and pick up the pieces. This past year has been really tough but I am seeing some light shine again as I remember who I was without feeling the confusion of judgement and shame based on some pseudo-justification-flip-side for multiple affairs and a secret baby. Oh good riddance to soulless in Siberia.

    • Chump April,

      WTF. We’re really laid back here in the north. Your former leech must have done some major selling or something worse to be turfed from our lands. Jeez, Trudeau is actually legalizing grass for our stoners and your ex is unwelcome here! What the hell did he do that has our country dumping his sorry ass?

      • Part of it was about past arrest records from a different state back in the 1970’s – that I wasn’t aware of. I think there is a lot more to it that ex didn’t tell any of us. He probably had a ton of Recreational Pot on him. He had a concealed weapons permit so he probably had weapons. I really don’t know. I’d love to hire a Private Detective to find out! I have no problem with people using Recreational Marijuana. Unless they are driving under the influence and spending their whole paycheck on it while blowing off the rest of their bills.

  • “I’m reaching Critical Mass” …….errrmm…….no he wasn’t flying a fucking space rocket in some sci-fi film

    That’s what the XH would say when I would return from work to find him on the sofa playing his Fucking XBOX whilst chomping on giant bags of Doritos, he had been on a years paid leave post redundancy cos he took out an income protection policy and was too lazy to genuinely look for a job. This was the one of the reasons our marriage failed, not his obsessive masturbating habit, his penchant for suddenly manscaping and jacking off to online porn, or the fact that he was fucking married women and then later, one of his best mate’s girlfriends.

    This was 18mths pre Dday and we had been together 15 years at this point so I thought he would just snap out of it, the “CRITICAL MASS” phase I mean. When we met at Uni all them years ago it took him 2 weeks to chose the correct stationery for any job application, I should have spotted the red flags (and ran) then!!

    Later he claimed he that “I just wanted to be loved” and walking with her along CANAL BANKS whilst holding hands in the fucking sunset, or meeting up for a coffee (he doesn’t drink coffee) was just to make him feel “LOVED”.

    SNAPCHAT and keeping up with younger trendy male colleagues obsession came within several months into his new job, the MANBAG and slim fitting shirts (nearly choked) were revealed post Dday.

    Now last I heard he is in the land of “I”M NO MORE HAPPIER THAN I WAS” (???) whilst I, apparently languish in “BITTERBUNNY LAND” and I really just need to move on and “GET ON WITH YOUR OWN LIFE” errrrrrrrr………….really? I moved halfway across the world after DDAY 4 years ago, I ain’t looking for unicorns.

    (4 years out and total NC since divorce finalised 16mths ago)

  • First post, longtime reader. My ex, triple L ( the lying liar who lies) cheated with a 25 year old subordinate at work. He’s 40. We had toddlers at the time. He travels extensively for work, so not unusual that he was gone quite a lot. Explained that he “had” to stay in CA for an extra weekend instead of coming home because the company couldn’t possibly pay for another plane ticket home. Instead, he fucked the 25 year old because she gave him all the attention he needed. Poor, poor cheater asshole. Partying and losing his phone. Oh the dark places, depression that made him fuck her instead of spending time with his kids and chumpy wife. And to think I felt sorry for his douchebag ass. And that was the first time I found out about.

    • In order to respond to the challenge of “mapping cheater souls”, one must make the assumption that cheaters actually have souls. As I don’t, I’m afraid I can’t complete the assignment. Sorry CL !!

  • Mine told me numerous times how he never wanted to be divorced, but he got to a “dark place” and ended up making a horrible mistake. By horrible mistake, he means trashing our marriage (together 13 yrs, married 7 and a one year old son) to hook up with much younger married employee and carrying on an affair for 1.5 years, numerous D-Days, numerous bold face lies to me and our MCs, secret trips with MOW, spending marital assets on gifts for MOW, and just the cruelest, most callous behavior he could do towards me. (Minus of course the tears and begging and promises to end the affair every time I’d find out he was lying and threaten to divorce him).

    Yeah, I think the only person in the “dark place” was me for believing him and putting up with that $#!#….he was totally enlightened, knew exactly what he was doing when he made these conscious choices to continue to sleep around with another man’s wife and destroy his own family.

    And today? I’m in the enlightened place in knowing exactly who and what he and his MOW are. And the only place he is going is hell.

    • Christina, you make a great point. The only person in the dark place is the one being cheated on. The pain, sorrow, hurt and confusion they are left to deal with is soul crushing. While the cheater is having sex, getting thrills with the other woman. They are not in a dark place. They are exactly where they want to be.

      • Thanks Kellia. and I agree the pain and hurt etc are “soul crushing.” That’s how I’ve tried to explain this experience to friends and family who haven’t been through this, and they still don’t get it.

      • Yes, but if they say they are in a dark place, they might get to keep eating cake… I found it uncanny that my ex found himself in a “dark place” whenever he wasn’t getting his own way. Hmmmmmm… Manipulation 101?

  • The places cheaters go have the same start, middle and end points: ME, ME, ME

    I resonated with CL’s selection of chump posts today. I was so confused about then cheating husband’s cruel behaviors during his affair years. me, our high school kids and friends all thought he was just having a “turning 60” crisis. the huge 60th party I threw, asking everyone to bring him a letter to tell him what they loved about him and memories they treasured of him is an example of my loyalty and concern during that time.

    because I assumed normalcy, loved him dearly, and was so concerned about his “dark place”, I prayed for him DAILY during those cruel years. so for me Dday was more heartfuck than mindfuck, at least initially. it took a long time to stop caring about him, even after the divorce and generous property settlement (that he is now trying to change).

    I always knew he was a lost and troubled soul, but I never thought he would throw a live grenade into our family and run. he was in church choir, stopped to give homeless people money or food, and hated cheaters. I thought he was a good man. turns out I was projecting my goodness onto him. I spackeled his flaws not knowing they were warning signs (financial infidelity, poor boundaries). we would talk about the effects of his behavior, and he would express remorse and do things differently. I saw this as real commitment to being in an intimate relationship of marriage and family (btw he has a PhD in psychology). this set me up for the confirmation bias that it must be my flaws that created all his unhappiness. that was the drumbeat he kept sounding during the secret affair years. and worse, since I was so worried about him during his dark years, his cruel words stuck like Velcro. until I found Chump Lady a year after divorce!

    turns out his goodness was all a mask. I assumed normalcy. now I know what I didn’t know. he lives in a dark place, brought on by his own choices and sin.

    I will mark my 3rd anniversary of divorce after 25 years of marriage soon, which of course is within weeks of 2nd Dday anniversary, Mother’s Day, and my 58th birthday. i can finally say I do not care about him in that attached way anymore. I still get triggered and have panic symptoms when I hear from him, which is rare. but I recover within the same day now and sleep well that night without a benzo. I am not dating anyone seriously now because my heart and relationship skills still need healing. But even better, I have joy in my heart and I love my life. I work, volunteer, and thoroughly enjoy my church and my adult children who, btw, initially bought his blameshifting & justifications for his cheating (why would the dad they knew lie??) until he turned on them with it. and they called bullshit. they are still trying to find their way forward with him, but since he married his young and rich adulteress recently, and has been verbally aggressive towards them, they don’t want much contact right now.

    I do not live in his dark place anymore. apparently there is only enough space for him, him, him! maybe a bit for his Jezebel who is cut from the same cloth.

    (((hugs))) and prayers for all new and veteran chumps. we are the essence of mightiness.

    • They really can only hold the pieces of the lies together for so long, and then it all flies apart. Congrats for getting out of that dark place, Chumpette.

      (Oh and btw, sad sausage whittle cheater being mean to the children and three-years-too-late trying to change the property settlement agreement….Sounds like things are not quite all what he expected in Cheaterville).

      • The Limited’s favorite place was the basement where he admittedly masterbated to porn.he played his bigger than life drum set there while I tried to sleep. He played drum solos to girlfriends while I worked. He went to out if the way beach areas to pick up women walking their dogs. The casino was his favorite watering hole to sit at the bar and get drunk and pick up women. Wherever he went he flirted and said it was normal. He would tip young girls so they would remember him. He was dark and blamed his inadequacies on me.
        He regretted not following his dreams of surfing at age 57.

        He will forever live in a dark place without love and family

        My place is my home with my children. It’s bettèr than ever.

    • I, too, spackled my ex- and projected my loyalty/sense of fairness onto him. He did wonderful things for me over the years and was also a very generous/thoughtful person in many ways to his community. However, in the sense that I wanted/needed us to work as a team and communicate about our needs in order to maintain trust and respect … well … he just never caught on to that. I left after the third cheating.