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UBT: “A letter to my husband from his cheating wife”

so_sorrySorry seems to be the hardest word if you’re a cheater. Oh sure, they can say it, but for some reason they just can’t seem to mean it.

Why is the Universal Bullshit Translator so skeptical of cheater sincerity? Because your average cheater — the sort that posts their Sorry But I’m An Enlightened Creature Now confessionals online — can’t go two sentences without sniveling about their own butt-hurt selves.

This is so hard on ME! When are you going to stop being so mean to ME! AIGH! A consequence! 

If you have to deflect the conversation from the pain you inflicted on innocents to your own self-inflicted pain? Yeah, your sorry is bullshit. Sorry.

Today’s UBT faux apology fodder is “A letter to my husband from his cheating wife.”

Right now we are messaging about bullshit stuff like your car and phone bills and your phone screen cracking. And my heart feels like it is being torn into shreds.

Enough about your Verizon data usage overages! ME! MY PAIN!

Attending a friend’s wedding last month confirmed that there is no one I want to ever go through that with again. You are my guy.

Except for that other guy I was fucking. Weddings make me misty. For cake.

We were so in love on our wedding day. We were kids, but kids in love. We didn’t know what we were doing. But I committed then, that day.

By “we” I mean me. I didn’t know what I was doing. I committed. But I cheated. I fail to understand commitment.

Commitments are childish things you do when you love someone. Kids!

Then I lost my way. I made mistakes. I am so sorry. I want to fix it.

Darn GPS. I turned left at Fuck Brad Blvd. I meant to stay on You Are My Guy.

I really want to appear strong and fine to you but I am not. I miss you so very much. There is no other for me.

Um. Except for Brad.

I am listening to acoustic versions of sad songs.

And if you don’t come back to me now I will resort to yodeling.

This probably isn’t helping my cause but wallowing right now is making me feel a bit better.

The mindfuck station is firmly set to self-pity. I enjoy a good wallow, don’t you?

I have been putting on a strong exterior to get by with life but I am hating being apart from you. I am hating living with housemates, and not my husband.

They make me pay for my own groceries and shit. But not you. You bought me groceries. God, I miss living with your money you.

My husband. I didn’t truly appreciate the value and privilege of being able to say those words before. The past 5 months have really opened my eyes to how much I love and adore you, and how much I want to be the kind of wife that you are proud of.

It took 5 months of living with housemates and Brad dumping me for me to realize how much I adore a Plan B you. I didn’t value the privilege of having a chump. #eyeswideopennow

You are very black and white,

… to think cheating is a big deal. The problem is your moral absolutism. Not that I fucked Brad.

so if you think that ship has sailed, that I’ve made such grave mistakes that you cannot move on from, then that’s fair enough.

That cheating could be a “grave mistake” is your black and white perception. I don’t see it as such a big deal, but HEY, I’m APOLOGIZING ANYWAY. If you can’t Move On that’s fair enough, you narrow-minded, unforgiving, festering slab of resentment. #youaremyguy

Just let me know and I will leave you alone.

The whole moving out to live with roommates thing, you didn’t mean that, right?

But I just can’t seem to give up or lose sight of you. The fact you are still in touch gives me glimmers of hope that you aren’t ready to completely give up either.

We still own a car and phone plan together, but these financial entanglements that I refuse to sever let me know you care!

I have said before that I’ll wait as long as it takes. I am starting to realize that I actually will.

When I said “I will wait” before, that was just some crap that came out of my mouth. But now? I’m starting to realize, that I might actually mean something I said. Mind BLOWN!

Witnessing these weddings and watching my friends repeat vows brought me back to our wedding day. Two babies saying these huge words of commitment to each other. I didn’t know what I was saying.

Like ga-ga or bubba. Could mean bottle, could mean Binky, or mommy. Who understands baby talk? Huge words are too much for babies.

I thought I did. I am starting to grapple with it now. It’s sad but it took two years of marriage, one act of infidelity, and losing you, for my vows to really sink in. I realise the gravity of them now and I want to demonstrate that commitment.

TWO YEARS of cake — LOST. I realize the gravity of lost cake now. And I want to demonstrate my commitment to cake by securing you as my backup plan.

It’s five months later. I’m not a baby anymore. I’m a toddler. I’m going to pitch a fit because I lost you. That’s what it takes to understand vows. Similarly, I’m not toilet trained yet. I need to shit my pants for a few more years before “dry underwear” really sinks in.

My revelation. I didn’t really love you before. I loved how you fit in with my life. You ticked all my boxes — good looking, smart, caring, good family. I didn’t see you as a person in your own right. You were my husband which, to me at the time, meant sole source of my happiness. What a sad and delusional way I was living.

I didn’t see you as a person. And I don’t see you now, because I live with roommates. But trust me when I say I LOVE YOU! You tick all my boxes. Please tick the chump box.

It’s been tough to reprogram my behaviour and grapple with massive insecurities. But I am coming through the other side. As sorry as I am for the hurt I’ve caused you, how glad I am that I have been able to grow up and into who I was meant to be.

A sad child who lives with inconsiderate roommates.

Isn’t my potential awesome? Hurting you was an exercise in self-growth for ME. And doesn’t that make it all worth it?

Sorry, not sorry!

I have now experienced both sides of the coin. I know how awful I can be without any kind of accountability, and for the past few months I am seeing myself through new eyes. How accountable I am to God and myself, how I respect myself so much and care for myself and value myself so much more than ever before.

I cheated and got dumped and respect myself so much more as a result!

This wasn’t about me disrespecting and not valuing YOU — it’s about me not valuing MYSELF more.

But God loves me, and he’s got my back on this. He loves me. What the hell is wrong with you?

My recklessness is no longer part of me. I realise now I have something to lose.

Namely, cake. I’ll never be that reckless again. I’ll be much better at hiding my entitlement next time.

My second revelation. I had a drinking problem. It’s dawning on me that you can be a weekend alcoholic. For me there was no ‘off’ switch. I would drink with reckless abandon. My drinking and loneliness (which were not your fault or your doing, but all my own issues) were like scooping fire into my lap and thinking I wouldn’t get burnt. And then, what follows were these horrific acts of infidelity.

That “accountability” I just mentioned? The booze made me cheat on you. It was all Jaegermeister’s fault.

There is no justification but I hope you understand that my cheating wasn’t a result of a sober-minded person calculating a secret affair.

It was the result of a drunk person calculating a secret affair.

My loneliness combined with dangerous drinking habits was a perfect storm for empty acts of infidelity to occur.

So long as I’m never lonely again, and there’s no booze — no perfect storm! We’re safe!

It’s sad but it took two years of marriage, one act of infidelity, and losing you, for my vows to really sink in.

One act of infidelity. Empty actS of infidelity. The semantics of many times I fucked around doesn’t matter — I’ve turned a corner!

I’ve been sober for about 4 months now and feel so much better. There’s been a lot of soda.

If I cheat on you again, I’ll blame the aspartame. #fuckyoudietcoke

How grateful I am that I got an awakening before something irreversible happened.

Like you finalize that divorce.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Supportive parents, really amazing in-laws, a sister and brothers who are worried for me. Friends who invite me for dinner to make sure I am eating. I have a husband that will still even message me despite how I treated him.

I’m so grateful for all the little people who care. Peel me a grape, bitches.

I pray that if you are ever open to it, we are allowed a second chance. I don’t want you to be pressured to do anything but just know that I will continue to wait.

No pressure. Just a published blog-post or six. Take your time.

You were the love of my life. You still are. I am grateful for the time I was allowed to spend with you, and if I am fortunate enough to spend more time with you I will never forget what a privilege that is.

I was a baby. A kid! I didn’t understand vows. I didn’t love you, I loved the idea of you. I didn’t see you as a person.

You were the love of my life!

Babies understand love. It’s monosyllabic. We choke on polysyllabic words like “commitment.”

Maybe we can get together and practice big words? And sobriety? Buy you a soda?

You are loving in your own practical no-BS way. You are so funny. You are so silly. I miss our silliness.

Dirty cheat. How easy it was for me to judge people who cheated and were unfaithful. From my pedestal I would sanctimoniously feel pity for them.

You wouldn’t want to be one of those sanctimonious people who judge, would you?

Hey, this has all just been a bit of silliness! Who’s got yer nose?! This little piggy went to the market… whee whee whee! LOL!

“Why don’t they just leave them?”; “They must have so little self-respect”; “What a coward”; or the inventive “What an arsehole/slut”. You know what, I am in this category and I can liken the situation to being swept away by a current without noticing until you look around and you don’t see anything familiar anymore. Your standards/goalposts shift ever so slightly more and more, every day. You create your own whirlpool of resentment to your spouse and self pity for yourself that you justify your abhorrent behaviour.

No whirlpools of self-pity here, no Sir.

I’m just going to whimper some more until a friend checks on me and brings me food.

I hope they get here soon before I am swept away by currents of unfamiliarity.

And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

I am so grateful that my eyes were opened and I came clean to you. Telling you was the most horrific thing to ever have endured — knowingly hurting the love of my life — but it was our best chance of (re)creating a strong marriage. You were the innocent victim in the train wreck that was my life for several years.

I cheated and devastated you because it was our Best Chance at having a strong marriage. Next I’m going to hammer your kneecaps with a threaded pipe to improve your posture. Because I care.

It’s going to be a long hard road whatever happens to us (together or apart) but I am strong enough and know myself well enough to be up to the task. If it’s apart, at least I’m not opposed to cats.

If you piss off a cat, they shit in your slippers. It’s going to be a long, hard road.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • The UBT on target again. That thing must have the engine of a Honda, given its reliability.

    Favorite lines: “And if you don’t come back to me now I will resort to yodeling.” and #fuckyoudietcoke (heck, any of the hash tags).

    • The UBT is from Detroit. It could NEVER have a Honda engine. Not if it ever wants to go home.

      • I see your point–I’m from Michigan myself; father owned a Chrysler dealership.

        • I am also from Detroit! My favorite line from this UBT is the Talking Heads bit – “Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down.” Thank you, thank you, thank you for that, CL! Made my day!

          • My grandfather worked for Chrysler, including during WWII, when they were making planes instead of cars.

            • My grandfather (on my mother’s side) was one of the union organizers at Ford (and was almost killed twice for it). The irony is that Henry Ford once gave my grandfather a ride home when he was a small boy.

              • We were the dirty immigrant Wops who traded sulphur mining for coal mining, and then coal mining for the Ford assembly line, and then eventually educated some of the family who worked at Fisher Body (GM). The fam still swears Hoffa is buried under the Lodge. This industry created the now defunct middle class.

              • Windsor ( transplanted to the area 4 years ago ). UBT is Detroit tough.

                This part of the world is not for Sissies.

          • Another Detroit chump here! And I work at a Tier One automotive supplier, natch ?

          • I’m from Sault Ste Marie Mich. Hell of a thing to learn to spell when you were in first grade. My father owned an engine rebuild shop. My weener dog Kay-Kay was good at slipper shitting. I think it was because my X’s feet smelled so bad. Top it off with a cherry thing going on.

            • D-Twoit born and bread… entitlement cheaters? Something in the water? All apologies to Flint.

      • “Peel me a grape, bitches.” – Chump Lady

        Bahahahaha! LOVE IT!! Thx for the laugh, CL!

        Maybe this was an April Fools joke. No…wait. She’s just a cheating douche.

      • Love this one! UBT needs a nap after all that… know, the way itty bitty babies take naps. 🙂

      • Rumblekitty is from Detroit too, and nobody ever keyed my little Honda. Tolerance y’all. 😉

      • I lived in Saginaw for a year in the 90s. My then-girlfriend got a job as a photographer at the newspaper in town right after J-school. (It gets cold in Michigan BTW.)

        Anyway, we showed-up to Saginaw in a brand-new Kia. Judging by the reaction we got, we’d have been less conspicuous if we’d been driving a flying-saucer. (Is that thing from KOHREEHA?) ?

  • I’d to summarize this:

    Here is me playing the immature card, the God card, the substance-abuse card, then the “I did it for US but did it wrongly and I’m sorry it didn’t work!” card. I’ve slapped them all up on your wall and hope one of them sticks. Adulting is hard without you to do it for me!

    • Yes! I was just thinking she threw a bunch of shitty excuses out there to see which one would stick. So many contradictions, so much mindfuckery.

      • Yeah. Her “one act of infidelity” morphed into “acts”. That’s ok. I got a Bill Clinton ” I did not have sex with that woman” excuse because, ya know, oral sex isn’t really sex. Since he had issues using condoms with randos, I can safely say he did not use a dental dam with the no sex oral sex either.

    • How many of us can say this sums up our relationships with the cheater?

      “Adulting is hard without you to do it for me!”

      • +1

        My sparkly turd has just realised this and is desperately trying to entice me back into the “pick me dance”. CL and CN have stiffened my spine and I have resisted all attempts.

        • I’ve been trying to stay strong for almost 5 yrs now as hubby has been begging me to take him back. Trying everything humanly possible for me to forgive. All he wants now is to make my life good. Happy. He just doesn’t see, together we will never be happy again. He took our happiness away when he took on the ow.

          He is always telling me,”This is where I belong, w you. We belong together. This is our home. Our life together.”

          30 yrs of what I really thought was a good marriage. He just doesn’t get it, I’m not happy, nor will I be as us together as 24/7 I still think about the affair. It just never goes away. For the cheater, they want it to go away as soon as possible, but I still lives the ghosts.

          • EXACTLY! It’s not even about forgiveness, it’s about the fact that you can never forget (even if you want to); and the fact that you know they’ll do it again (if even they don’t think they will). The ghosts just keep haunting.

  • “This is so hard on ME! When are you going to stop being so mean to ME! AIGH! A consequence!”

    “If I cheat on you again, I’ll blame the aspartame. #fuckyoudietcoke”

    AHAHAHA, your UBTs are brilliant, thank you CL :)!

  • So they are married two years, and she’s already cheated? If you are listening, husband, please dump this whore. She cares nothing for you, and will still be banging strange when she’s 90. Disgusting.

    • Right?! I have pasta in my pantry that’s older than that marriage… and this bitch is writing like they’ve been married for decades after being forced to wed at 14 years old.

    • I know, right? I’m jealous of this chump, in a way. He’s only lost two years and hasn’t bred with this person yet. He has plenty of time to start again. Keep on running, chump!

    • I know I was reading along thinking maybe 20 year marriage, etc. and then BAM TWO YEARS!!!!!

      Run Forrest Run!

  • Reminds me of the letter wrote after he cheated on me with the a Red headed whore.
    It was completely about him ever single word. He ended it with ‘I hope this gives you insight’. Riiiiight! Insight is what I needed?!?!?!
    Not an apology, kindness, respect when I asked him to leave me alone. Insight is what we all need. Narcissistic bastard. They never change. EVER!
    Of course he married her (he honestly commented that she was his ‘last chance saloon’). Good luck to her. He’s desperate, narcissistic, cheat. What a catch.

    • I get offered “insight” on a pretty regular basis. When EX forgets to pick up the kids or otherwise does not follow through on some aspect of our custody agreement, he usually says, “Let me offer you some insight on what’s happening here . . . .”

      “Insight,” it turns out, is his synonym for “long-winded, self-serving, unpersuasive excuse.”

      It sounds like your EX, Confused123, is using the same dictionary!

  • Oh my goodness. This could have been written by my STBX. In fact I have a few similar letters. Mostly all about HIM with a few “I’ve devastated you”s thrown in for good measure. Laughed so hard at “I’ll blame the aspartame.”

    Thank you so much. This blog has been a sanity saver in my divorce journey.

    • X used “I’ve devastated you” as well in a 7 page letter about his pain that sounded just like the above drivel. He loves the sad sausage channel.

      If you don’t come back to me now I will resort to yodeling. HA! ?

  • Loved the UBT today…especially the Talk Heads reference, lol.

    Is this letter legit or is it a writing exercise?

    So, in a 2 year marriage she lost her way…cheated…but now understands and is ready to commit because she gets it. Huh?

    Honestly, I am stuck on this line… ‘My revelation. I didn’t really love you before. I loved how you fit in with my life. “

    • Yeah, that line did it for me, too. That’s probably the most honest statement in that whole dung heap of a letter, and I hope the chump realizes it and never gives her the time of day again.

    • I got an email from my ex a couple weeks after Dday. He wrote that he only married me because he wanted someone to take care of him, to take care of the home and to take care of any children we might have. Then he added that in fact, I HAD done all of those things admirably, but he never felt any passion for me.

      That line in today’s UBT reminded me of the email from my ex. One of the few times he was actually honest. He only married me to use me and because I provided the front for the life he wanted to portray. Just like the cheating wife in today’s post.

      • Glad, I heard the passion excuse over and over. Narcs live to relive the infatuation stage. He was stuck there and still seeks it out.

        • THIS. My disordered STBX and very ‘underdeveloped’ ex-boyfriend couldn’t cope after the infatuation wore off (anywhere from one day to one year). They had to go get Strange.

        • This letter really depressed me for some reason. How desperately ugly it is. I know what it’s like to be used for 35 yrs….as a Beard..and I’m not sure her husband wasn’t a ‘front’ for many things she’d done wrong. Yeah – 2 years married. Run Gump RUN!

          • She was a ‘child’ when she married him and 2 yrs later she is an ‘alcoholic’? She must 19 now.

        • My X’s byline for his Ashley Madison account was “in pursuit of passion and excitement.” Oh, and he shaved 9 years off his profile. lololol

    • It’s a good thing there is Chump Lady and the UBT, because I can totally see how a chump still smoking the hopium pipe would fall for that letter and go rushing back to the cheater. Without the translation, it is quite manipulative and gripping, so emotional and sentimental. I would have fallen for it in a heartbeat.

      What I find harder to explain is how I fell for my ex’s play to resume the cake eating: A text message saying that he listened to an old mix tape I had made for him and was thinking about me, and then another text message saying he watched that Christian movie “Fireproof,” and didn’t want to be like the cheating doctor in the movie. That was all it took for me to go back for eight more months of “reconciliation” and abuse. There was nothing about love or realizing mistakes or wanting to be with me. Just that he felt it was his Christian duty to remain married to me. What the hell was I thinking?

      • Yes! I got lots of “I keep thinking about all the good times…” As well as epiphanies after him watching Fireproof. Then he started working through The Love Dare and when I realized that I was physically ill. It felt like the height of manipulation.

        My faith and honoring God is a huge part of my life and it was a struggle to say no to “reconciliation” when he made such obvious outward overtures. The love bombing was intense. But with the help of this blog and Divorce Minister, a few close friends, an excellent pastor, and I truly believe God opening my eyes to truth, I saw through his tactics. It is SO easy to get drawn into that!

        • Funny, I watched “Fireproof” with my husband before finding out about everything–no reaction. I used to wish he would do the Love Dare, or even just stop neglecting me and our children. He did virtually nothing after D-day to win me back, somehow thinking that him being gone working and bringing home a paycheck was enough proof that he was a good guy. I was angry about that for a long time, and felt humiliated that he thought so little of me and our family that he wouldn’t try, and expected me to just forget it and forgive. Now it looks like I dodged a bullet. 20 years of spackling is enough. If he’d actually tried to do anything like that I’d still be on hopium, thinking that I had a stronger marriage after cheating than before, even while I had to play marriage police. It’s great when God helps you see the truth.

      • I’m right there with you. If I would have had CL when he gave me his lines I wouldn’t have let him come back for D day #2. But I have CL now, and I’m thankful for it every day. It lets me use reason when I could find no reason for what he did. CL & CN gives me laughter, sense, and peace of mind. Thank You!

      • Sometimes i think these fuckers are SO detached from the unfortunate reality of other human beings existing, that they are really (and in their own minds) just ACTORS playing out a role. Mine never really tried to get me back, just never stepped out of it being ALL.ABOUT.HIM even after he twisted the knife into me.

  • Well I didn’t get a letter just a comment that he could never come back because I didn’t trust him anymore and he couldn’t live like that. He had to be trusted.

    • Polly, the only thing you can trust with a cheater is that they have no problem f*cking you over.

      • The only thing we CAN trust with a cheater is they CAN’T be trusted, eh?

    • You won’t trust me!

      And you aren’t trustworthy. So I guess we really are at an impasse.

      Teh Logix are hard to ‘splain!

    • I love it. Not that their not trustworthy, but to blame you for not trusting them.

      • It’s always, “The problem is not what I did, but your reaction to it.” with these cheaters.

        • Yup. With me the problem is that I sent “debasing” texts to her after she fucked me over. My texts were so cold and emotionally disturbing… How could I have ever done that?

          • Cheaters HATE grey rock; too far removed from their preferred “worship me” treatment.

          • oaktree, “debasing,” really, what is WRONG with these people? No, the CHEATER debased YOU. Why is that so hard for them to understand???? My Cheater said I was engaging in “character assassination” when I started telling our friends and family that he had cheated on me, because, um, he cheated on me. He preferred to tell everyone, “Muse and I decided to go our separate ways.” No, buster, I didn’t DECIDE that until I caught you cheating and kicked you out. Then Cheater said my 23 year old son was “bullying” the Cheater because he sent him ONE SINGLE TEXT after having the Cheater as his pseudo step parent for 16 years, the young man expressed his disapproval with what Cheater did to his mom (me) and Cheater complained, “oh no! this 23 year old is bullying me!!! (a 53 year old man at the time).

            • This kind of behavior just sickens me–when abusive people co-opt the language of pain and use it to cause pain and manipulate.

              He’s acting like a bully but accusing your son of being the bully. Thinking about this reminded me of an event from early in my marriage when I got into an argument with my then new husband because he described himself as having been “raped” when a boss made a decision he didn’t like. I should have seen the red flag then. He always portrayed himself as the victim, usually in ways that belittled the experience of people who truly had been traumatized.

          • Yes, apparently that is the problem with me too. Mine flipped to the pity channel yesterday after the charm channel didn’t pan out. He now claims he has a medical issue :
            Him: “I think something is really wrong with my head”
            Me: “what are your symptoms? Other than the poor choices.”
            Him: “You keep taking jabs at me…every day it you who does it, its never me. You dont care..”

            I know, I know, it is cake for him, but I couldn’t help it. I am feeling strong today and told him a) cheating and lying are not traits I want in a husband or a friend; b) if he doesn’t want to hear that his behavior sucks and his choices suck, then stop contacting me (can’t wait until I can go no contact):; and c) he should look for sympathy from his 20 year younger girlfriend he is shacking up with and has been for the last 8 months (and screwing for at least the past year). We’ve now been “married” 15 months. To this day, he denies he is with her. Hilarious, but another story for another time.

            Pity channel may not be working, I see rage in my future…..or faking a serious illness. I truly hope there is nothing wrong with him (first, I still occasionally smoke hopium, second, we are still married and this would throw a wrench into things, and third, I just can’t wish that on anyone, even after the “whore-r” he put me through.).

            UBT: it’s all your fault that you won’t finance my life with baby cakes. I want you to just wuv me and be my backup plan and give me all the benefits of being married to you, without having to give anything other than a random “how are you” text.

            He is a serial, lifetime cheat so he has a very solid game. SMH.

      • Yeah, my cheaters reason for wanting a divorce is because and I quote, “I want to be with someone who trusts me 100%. And you can’t give me what I want. Trust.” This is a man, no, child who saw women behind my back (not sure if any of them were physical, but he’s such a liar that I’m sure there have been a few over the years) even before we got married. Wrote “love letters” to me and another girl at the same time (I was a total chump for believing him when I asked about the other girl.) Got caught going out for drinks with a newly divorced slut/whore, who is girlfriend/home wrecker. But it’s MY PROBLEM for not trusting him! What a whack job! Leave a cheater, gain a life! His slut can have him! She deserves the cheater and he deserves her. He didn’t ever deserve me.

        • Its a bit fucking rich to cry foul about you not trusting him, yet hes allowed to do the most heinous of acts that destroys trust.
          The entitlement of this one boggles the mind.

        • I think what he said is very revealing about many cheaters. He cheats, he betrays you, he lies. But he says he wants TRUST. That looks like a contradiction. But—no. He wants to lie, betray, and cheat AND he wants you to trust him. Because CAKE. So when they whine about trust, what they rely want is you to blindfold yourself, get the Men in Black to use the flashy memory wiping thingy on you, and stay on the hopium pipe. They want to cheat and they want their partners to trust them at the same time.

    • My X said something similar-“I know you’ll never forgive me.” Then, whenever I would want to talk about how I was feeling, trying to process it all, he would immediately say, “See, I told you that you would never forgive me.” Hell, he never gave me that chance! I was supposed to move on, forget that it ever happened and never mention it again. There was no way I could do that and he knew it, but he certainly wasn’t willing to even allow me to grieve. His post-affair conduct was as telling as his cheating on me.

      • +1

        I got the “I know you will never forgive me” line from my Xh. Yep, it was hard to forgive when he was still fucking the married howorker!!

      • Yep. Back during wreckonciliation, I would bring up my feelings, my hurt, things about his behavior I was trying to understand, and he’d give me the pseudo-validation of, “I know this is hard for you” and immediately hijack the conversation to how bad HE felt for all those years, how I wasn’t meeting his needs, how that drove him to EAs (which is all he’ll admit to) … and “fantasy” Craigslist sex ads and a “fantasy” hooker and daily porn. How come I was never there for HIM? Would I ever be able to meet HIS needs?

        In hindsight, I’m not sure whether to laugh or scream about these conversations.

      • Me, too. “You’ll never forgive me,” and a note the day I filed for divorce tried to lure my back by claiming that (2 months post D-day) if I just thought about happy events from the past instead, we could move on. Nope; best $313 I ever spent.

    • And mine was told “I don’t trust you, and don’t know how you fix that”, and I got “I’ll wait for you”. Umm, don’t bother. The UBT nails it every time!

    • Good greif. You are the bad guy cause you wont trust him. What an Ass.

  • Awesome UBT output. Unfortunately I can’t relate. Mine did the abandonment thing as soon as she could. After 30 years together and 4 months selling the house, she up and left for her AP and I know nothing since. Some times I wish for a letter like this, if only to know she wasn’t just a fembot that I wasted 30 years with.

    • I only had 5.5 years in, but I’m with you. Except that I’ve received one email and one letter, neither of which contained anything emotional. They were practical concerns with a cheap “hope you’re doing well” at the end. Yeah, I’m sure she did.

      • Me too guys. I know the whole, “It’s better not to hear” rationale but it’s so so painful.

      • I was 2 months short of 17 years married (18 years together). Never got a sorry. Left me to be “single”. Went straight to OW. Brought the whore home to meet my newly exed in-laws 3 weeks following our 2 month divorce and engaged it within a year. I too would have loved to receive a letter like this. The warm fuzzy “I mean something to him!” validation the abandoned seek. The UBT really does shed light on the fact that the “sorry” bit is more often than not horse shit. Sure, they care about pain – the type that comes with loss of cake, but the betrayed spouses pain? Not so much. Glad I didn’t have to go through this type of mind fuckery.

        • Hi Marked – welcome to the abandoned here. Raising hand. X didn’t want any kind of reconciliation, no looking back and I did make it very miserable for him. They say we are the lucky ones, and in a lot of ways I agree that we weren’t love-bombed to come back to them. X told me (after 35 yrs) that he 1) didn’t love me, 2) never did love me, and 3) was never sexually attracted to me.

          First *I* ever knew any of that. It was one of those marriages that everybody thought was the best and he treated me so well. At 59 yrs old, he was ready to shave his head, buy a fancy new sports-car, and go off into the sunset with the woman he loved (3 yr affair – my bff at the time). Too bad it didn’t work for him that way. Another story, but he does now live in a trailer in a trailer park , and gave up me and a huge life we built, including too-big-house.

          I always wanted him to say, he wanted me back, but he never did.

          That’s our bane and I guess, we should be thankful for it?

    • Marked (and everyone else)–I do understand how an “I’m sorry” would help with the grief, because we are used to taking people at their word, and assuming they mean what they say. But the disordered don’t. My X issued the standard apologies and charm and invoking-old-memories when he was trying to reconcile. A year later, he finds out I STILL don’t want to be friends with him, and retracted every apology. Not getting the apology may help chumps get to “they suck” faster.

      • When my ex was moving her stuff out I told her that she acted as if she wasn’t affected at all, that she didn’t care. She said ,”would it help if I told you I’ve been up late the last few nights crying and feeling guilty?” At the time, that did make me feel better. It wasn’t until much later I realized that she didn’t say she had been; she simply wanted to know if telling me that would help.

        • which way, you are making progress. You are actually hearing what she is saying and taking it in, instead of being taken in by it.

          • Thanks, DeeL. Recent forays into dating haven’t gone well. Looking through profiles on dating sites seems to reinforce that I’m an oddball who was lucky for whatever the ex was willing to give me. I’m thinking about her a lot, missing her, and blaming myself for driving her away. I have this fantasy that my new anti-depressant would have made me healthy enough to still love.

            I guess I thought I be better than this so far out, but the rejection still stings like hell. I’m still scared to death and overwhelmed by the overhaul of everything about me.

            • I totally get this overwhelmed feeling as well. I’m coming up to 3 year anniversary of XH bolting for his whore. I too wish I was further down the road, though last year I helped a friend going through adultery and realized how far I’ve come. I don’t think it happens at the pace we’d like, but I think we eventually get to a much better place.

            • Whichway, the rejection and prior erosion of your self-esteem hurt. The cheating x made sure of it, it kept you in line. With that being said, if you are going to overhaul yourself, then do it for you. If you are doing the overhaul for the end game of getting into another relationship, I would advise you to not go there yet. This new “freedom”, unwanted as it was, is a good thing for you. This is time for you to work on your issues, to work on getting to a point in your depression that you can function as best as you can with it. This is a time for you to finally be good to yourself. You are not too far out from this, if I recall. You will get better and better, very slowly, but you will. Being an oddball is not a bad thing among dating sites that I have seen, if your core values and personality are morally good. There is a saying in Spanish, that I will try to translate, cause it’s funny but true. Para cada roto aye un descojido, (spelling may be a little funky). For every torn (broken or ripped) piece of cloth, there is a corresponding un-sewed (unseen, oddball) piece of cloth, willing to try to make a whole piece with you. You are young, you will find someone. Just be good to yourself.

              • There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an ‘oddball’ WWDSG ! Screw the status quo – and besides, when you think about it – noone is ‘100% normal’ anyway.
                Any changes you’re wanting to make, do it to make yourself feel comfy in your own skin – not to appease others. If someone can’t accept you exactly how they are, they simply aren’t worth being with.
                Never sink to the lowest common denominator, as that is just a mask which will fall off eventually anyway.
                Hmm, maybe I’m onto something there – cheaters do that all the time…

            • I REALLY get this feeling, WWDSG! At first I blamed myself for driving my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) away by expressing my grief (crying on his shoulder) over various tragedies and crises in my family. I may have cried too much on his shoulder. It would have been nice, though, if he had told me that my grieving behavior was too much for him–before many months had passed. (You know–expressing needs and wants, something I had hoped that someone in his mid-forties with an advanced degree who had known me forever could and would do.) Maybe, although I doubt it, given his attitude toward our relationship, which was Friends With Benefits, we could have saved the relationship. I think that he was experiencing He’s Just Not That Into You for the whole relationship but decided not to clearly communicate that idea before we (really I) got seriously involved (invested). I miss him terribly (have eaten very little for six weeks and now light-headed) even though he wasn’t great to me in some fundamental ways.

              • RockStarWife, please please get some help. Why is this guy still occupying so much of your mental real estate? What happened to RSW? Where is she?

                Please go to a good counsellor or therapist, and then go and have a burger for me. Or pancakes if you prefer. Bacon optional.

                And please – listen to me when I say that the thing with this guy who let you down: Nothing you said, or did, or didn’t do, would have changed things at all.

                The ONLY thing you did wrong was rush back into dating too soon. The rest of it was down to his less-than-awesome character. NOT YOUR BEHAVIOUR.

                Your picker is broken. The only way to fix a broken picker is to STOP DATING and indeed STOP LOOKING, indefinitely. OK, that is scary for some of us, but with a counsellor to support you, it rapidly becomes less scary.

                WE LOVE YOU.

              • @LolaGranola,
                Thank you for your support. I have seen some therapists and tried other healthy ways to recover, but I am still struggling to overcome the breakup. Based on ex-boyfriend’s statements in person and over the phone in arranging the exchange of our things (e.g., ‘I won’t be home between Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon, but you can drop my stuff on my doorstep if you come over during that time.’), I am almost 100% certain that ex-boyfriend started sleeping with another woman almost as soon as my car pulled out of his driveway on the day he dumped me. The way he treated me (hostilely and not honestly) when he broke up with me and the speed with which he moved on kill me, almost literally.

              • (Response to RSW, but theres no reply button)
                You are a beautiful person and don’t let any dipshit arsehole tell you otherwise.
                Some people are just not fit to walk this Earth because they treat others like absolute garbage. Your ex-boyfriend was one of those people. I wouldn’t say he is disordered, but he sure as hell has narcissistic traits – of which you’ve dodged another bullet to not be enmeshed with that shit.
                He sounds to me like he’s a fucking mysogynistic pig. Let him wallow in trash – because thats what he is – trash. No self-respecting person will pull that dramatic bullshit – and will love you for you, even despite the difficulties. Any man (or woman) who gives two shits about someone they supposedly care about – will support their friend/partner through the hard times as well as the good. If they can’t even do that – they are scum.

            • Embrace your oddball self … The so called normal folks tend to be the fake manipulative ones we all have suffered from knowing. Take your time and appreciate your true uniqueness. Once you love yourself, your confidence and esteem will make you very attractive to others. And we love you here already.

              • I was a single non dating oddball for 3 years after my breakup with my previous partner before meeting and falling in love with my current cheater. In hindsight I remember how much my cheaper questioned my choice to be single and independent while I was settling into my new life, how abnormal the choice of not having sex with men I did not love seemed to him. All through our relationship my cheater has tried to make me feel abnormal about myself. Now I see this was all about undermining my principles and my confidence. Definitely take time for yourself without dating and focus on getting your own strength. And don’t let anyone talk you out of it. If they do, they don’t want you to be strong.

    • After our divorce was final, I got an “apology” of “I’m sorry”. I asked if he was sorry we were divorced or what was he sorry for. Here I’m thinking, finally this is it! A heartfelt sorry for cheating throughout our 27 yrs of marriage and a sorry he has devastated our daughters. Nope! His response: I don’t know. So, yes that comment chalked up to trust that he sucks.

  • It’s amazing that they are the cause of all of their troubles, yet when the shit hits the fan, they blame you. My Ex has been dragging out our divorce, it has been almost 2 years since I filed, he continued his affair with his whore all of this time and he had the nerve to text me recently ” If you had only humbled yourself we could have worked things out”. HUH? You mean the fact that his dick was currently inside someone else wasn’t the problem?

    He never stopped cheating and now does it openly in front of his family and children. To reply to that, I kicked him out, changed the locks and filed.

    • I think you humbled yourself when you married him.

      So sad when you don’t bow and scrape.

  • I stopped reading halfway through. I love you, CL, but this woman skewers herself with no commentary needed.

    On that last note about “train wreck,” my ex said something similar to both me, and to her AP (which I saw during my pathetic spying period).

    She said she was “sorry for getting you caught in the tornado that surrounds me.”

    It’s such a pompous, self-aggrandizement, beautiful-loser perspective of herself that I shut her down as soon as she wrote it. There’s nothing romantic about being an emotional mess, and it gives you no excuse to cheat it otherwise treat people like shit.

    • JC – Love the “beautiful-loser perspective.” That’s so true with all these fake cheater apologies. They try to make themselves seem beautiful and tragic and larger-than-life in their self-pity when they’re just pathetic assholes.

    • JC, love the “beautiful loser” reference. It’s like they’re the star of their own drama series…..lost in their own turmoil…..and thinking that everyone else really cares, understands and feels bad for them.

      Except this shit isn’t taking place on a TV show. It’s out in the real world. With real victims, real consequences, and real pain. They don’t seem to get that.

      • But… But… Their affairs really ARE real!! There are facebook fuckbuddy cheater clubs, reddit fuckbuddy cheater clubs, pintrest fuckbuddy cheater clubs, google fuckbuddy cheater clubs, asshole madison fuckbuddy cheater clubs, words with friends fuckbuddy cheater clubs … uh …

        Well okay, the love they have for their fuckbuddies may not be “real” real. But at the time it sure FELT real inside their pointy-wittle heads. And now that their chumps are enforcing boundaries and consequences they are beginning to REALLY feel real.

        Boy does it suck being held to adult expectations.

    • Gag. I bet that tornado is a fun ride 2 years later! “Save me!>I won’t let you save me!>Why didn’t you save me?!>[sob]”

    • She said she was “sorry for getting you caught in the tornado that surrounds me.”

      That reminds me of my ex telling me that he needed “a woman willing to ride the roller coaster of his life with him, even if it crashed and burned.” Thank God I got off that ride, even though I stayed on far longer than I should have. His coaster definitely left the tracks long ago.

    • Also, I think my son and I remain the only people to whom she hasn’t apologized. Not that her apology would cary any weight, and I’d probably lose my shit about it, but you and I would have a GRAND time UBT-ing it!

    • Not just self-aggrandizing and “beautiful loser”ish (love that!), but a tornado is a natural disaster. Nope, no agency here. No bad choices, no accountability. Just a force of nature that swept her away and devastated everyone else.

  • I’m glad my ex never wrote me a letter like this. I think I might have been silly enough to have believed him without CL’s use of the UBT. Now? No way.

    Mine was one of those cold lizard types who moved on to a vulnerable single mom where he could look like an amazing unicorn. He’s not, he’s ruthless, cold-hearted and narcissistic through and through.

    I love this UBT CL. Cheaters show remorse when they get caught, otherwise it’s all good. No thanks. Bye.

  • “If you piss off a cat, they shit in your slippers. It’s going to be a long, hard road.’

    Hahahahahaha. The sickest burns are the truest. This is even better than the reaction I got at a barbeque describing Pitbull’s dancing as “like an empty cardboard box blowing across a parking lot.”

    Did you hear we have new unicorns now? They’re as handsome and as magical as my ex!

        • excellent exchange
          one would think I would refrain from drinking a glass of water near my computer while reading CL by now, sadly no
          God Save My Keybord!

          • Sorry to hear about the water. Get a little movable stand (like a t.v.tray thingie) for your computer on your chair so your water is nowhere near it. I say this after losing 3 macs in that many years. Living and learning. But, yanno – my nerves were a mess back then.

  • I was starting to think they were married for like 20 years or something, with all the “we were babies” crap, but I lost it when it had only been 2 years since their wedding. The time-space continuum in Cheaterville is like trying to make sense in Wonderland.

    And, OMG, lost it at #fuckyoudietcoke. Hilarious.

  • Wow, what a letter: everything but the kitchen sink for an excuse/explanation.
    I never got anything close to this from my ex, though I did get the “you see everything in black and white”

    • LOL. I was married 20 plus years and barely got an “I’m sorry out of her”.

      Honestly, after reading letters put through the UBT – I don’t want any letters from her.

      • Agreed! I used to fantasize that I would get a “forgive me, etc” talk in the future, but it will never happen. Ex tries to talk to our eldest (whom is NC with him) and in his messages he still tries to justify his behavior. He will never get it.

        • x “tries” to have a relationship with my young adult children, but he just never gets passed the “poor me” conversations with them and just doesn’t understand why the kids don’t want to talk to him. Could it be that he won’t show any interest in them or talk about anything other than himself and how “this” has become something that hurts him. Hmmmmm,”this” only hurt him???? Interesting!!!! They are your kids, asshole, they have feelings too!!!

    • I got the “you see everything in black and white” comment too in the Divorce Letter. Man, these cheaters are all the same!

      • I got that too. And I am proud of it,. There’s zero grey zone when you are in a committed relationship. Just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant.

  • PEDESTAL. What’s with these cheaters and pedestals ? I still remember to this day the letter that my cheating boyfriend of my twenties wrote to me. He said that what he did to me forced him to step down from his pedestal. I did not know that he had been standing on a pedestal all along, in his mind. Interesting.

      • And they buy their pedestals in bulk so that there is one for each of their awesome traits.

      • My ex-boyfriend told me that I boosted his ego (after his failed marriage). I used to be flattered. Now I think that he was just keeping me around for emotional and sexual kibble supply–until a more sparkly provider of kibble came along.

    • Yes, narc ex wrote a letter saying he hadn’t changed, but that id put him on a pedestal all these years. Really?

  • Excellent UBT once again CL!!!

    It’s amazing how these delusional cheaters think. She probably believes she wrote a masterpiece letter worthy of a Pulitzer Prize.

    How about a yearly CL Cheater Prize for the dumbest cheater letter. I think a Turd Cake Trophy on a pedestal and toilett flushing sound effect would be a great Trophy for the “Winner”.

    • A trophy of a toilet. With a turd in it. Which has a button on the top which when you press it, it makes a flushing sound – but the turd still remains there. Much like the cheaters which (try to) steamroller our boundaries with various forms of manipulation.

  • After I discovered all the private messages between him and the hookers, the only thing I got in response was “it was a phase”. Yeah, my kids went through phases too when they were little, but it involved Fruity Pebbles.

    • Yea, I got “I had a bad moment”…turns out it was most of 26 years. fucker.

      • Yep, his was 14 yrs. At 62 and having to take little blue pills to get it up for 20 yr old hookers, looks like that phase may soon be coming to an end buttercup. Tick tock

    • My ex described his staggering amount of sex with other men as “a phase” as well. Never mind that this “phase” started in his teen years before he ever even met me, and continued throughout the rest of his life. It’s just a really long phase, I guess. Or perhaps he doesn’t quite understand the meaning of “phase.”

      • How interesting, the first thing out of my ex’s mouth when I asked him what was wrong was “I’ve been going through a phase.” I didn’t know these phases were so common with cheaters!

  • Love the smart and snarky UBT & will be laughing all day!

    Getting UBT lessons helps me parse and read out emails from my XH. Now I can see the false remorse so clearly. Thanks, CL!

  • The “Then I lost my way. I made mistakes.” and ” I will wait for as long as it takes” Heard both.

    I will wait for as long as it takes… ha ha.. all the while he is dating a new girl 25 years younger and taking her on exotic trips to Thailand! Boy, that is some wait.

    Made mistakes… Ah…. my many typos on these posts are mistakes. He made choices. One of the APs for one year. Choose once, again, three times, four, five, six, seven, eight…. two hundred,….. two hundred and 99…. still counting. Mistake(s) my ass.

    What you hear here in this letter is a Narc with an injured ego and there is a lot of SELF speak. So…. wasted a piece a paper for sure writing it.

  • The wedding really opened her eyes. The ceremony was a refresher course on her vows.

    She never once asked how he was doing and listed all the excuses for her behavior.

  • They really are all the same aren’t they? Mine said “It took this to make me realize how much I love my life with you”. Emphasis on me as a utility for enriching her life.

    • They all are…. I have heard much the same…. took cheap sex with a 20 year old to realize how much she loves me! But I should not do the same?

      • Well goodness No DavidB, that would be cheating. Not twu luv, or making you feel good about yourself, or my personal favorite, I deserve to be happy!!!!

  • Funny, how we all want (maybe need) the cheater to show remorse and see their “mistakes” but when they do it (if they do) it really is somehow more insulting in the end.

    • It is more insulting at the end, because you see how they were never remorseful at all. They were just “throwing stuff out there and see how much of it sticks”. They are feeling the loss of cake, not wanting to make you feel any better or for the cheater to take on their doings and truly apologize.

      • And they inadvertently put all the focus on themselves. It always turns out that you are a utility for their happiness. It’s always all about them.

    • Can’t just one cheater say, “I’m an asshole. I did it because I’m a selfish asshole. I wasn’t thinking of you or my children because, well, I’m an asshole. I would have continued to be an asshole if you hadn’t caught me. You are divorcing me because, well, you’re not an asshole, and since I’m an asshole and two different species should not mate I’m going to go find more assholes to fuck. Goodbye. Oh, and I’m an asshole.”

      • Mine did with a twist: When I threw him out of the house based on an affair from 8 years prior, he claimed “I was an asshole back then, but I’m not an asshole now.” He was half right.

  • “How grateful I am that I got an awakening before something irreversible happened.”

    Ummmm….. didn’t that ALREADY happen? I mean you can’t un-fuck that guy can you?

  • And this lyric from Once in a Lifetime should not be left out:

    And you may tell yourself

    Well done, CL!

        • I love Talking Heads. Never really stopped to listen to the words. That’s awesome!

      • This was the best part of the UBT. Now I can’t get the song out of my mind. Same as it ever was…..same as it ever was….same as it ever was…..

        The cheating wife letter could have been written by the cheater I knew. Yeesh.

  • 2 things cheaterface said that were true:
    “I didn’t see you as a person in your own right. ”

    “You create your own whirlpool of resentment to your spouse and self pity for yourself that you justify your abhorrent behaviour.”

    Im certain that Major Cheaterpants really never saw me as a person…I liken myself to a toilet…you NEED a toilet but you dont really appreciate your toilet. You dont think about your toilet or consider it, however if it seemed you might lose your toilet, you might become fretful.

    Well, whew, later in the BS letter, she assures us that she learned to love and respect herself…what a relief, I was scared that she might get the sads or something.

    • ““I didn’t see you as a person in your own right. ”

      Im certain that Major Cheaterpants really never saw me as a person…I liken myself to a toilet…you NEED a toilet but you dont really appreciate your toilet. You dont think about your toilet or consider it, however if it seemed you might lose your toilet, you might become fretful.

      Well, whew, later in the BS letter, she assures us that she learned to love and respect herself…what a relief, I was scared that she might get the sads or something.”

      Now when I think back on what the x told me, I think to myself, what freaking scary shit they say. I don’t see you as a person in YOUR own right!!! x told me something to that effect. It was the “aha” moment for me, when he didn’t “see” me as a person! Scary, because I’m standing right in front of you motherf*er, I am a person and I sure as hell don’t need you to tell me that I am a person. But that is what they do to you, you become an appliance, just like any other appliance or toilet, lol, that is in the house they live in.

      I, too, was scared that she might have the sadz!!!!! Aren’t we all glad that she has let it all go and wrote this to her poor chump. Now he can understand her internal turmoil, her feelings that are so heart wrenching with no thought for her x, her innermost thoughts. And she has the sadz, someone out there should be feeling bad about her sadz, chump.

  • This may be my favorite UBT post yet! I laughed all the way through. Probably because it was SO close in tone from a letter I got just before moving out on my cheating husband.

    I can laugh now because my divorce is final, I’ve gone no contact and am 95% to Meh now. It does help that I have a darling new Man in my life who makes me smile every day. Oh and I should mention I am over 50 and was married almost 30 years so if anyone reading this is afraid to move on because they think they are too old, I’m living proof it can be done and you should not waste ONE MORE MINUTE. I am happy at a level I did not think possible a year ago.

    Chump lady, I don’t know if I could have found the strength to move forward this quickly without you. I am grateful every day for finding this column when I needed it. Thank you from the bottom of my no-longer-Chumpy heart, and please keep doing what you are doing. You’re a Godsend.

    • Thanks for the pep talk. I need it sometimes. Although I am not at all ready to date (9 months from d day), I will be 50 this year and was married for 27 years. It’s awesome that you found someone and give the rest of us home that there are truly good men (and women) out there.

      • I was married 26 years and 9 days when Major Cheaterpants died suddenly. I was an actual grieving widow (thinking I had reconciled) but I learned I had wreckonciled with a disordered serial cheater and my grief turned to anger. I started dating 6 months after he died and I married a wonderful man (Colonel Greatguy) 8 months ago – I was the oldest military bride I ever heard of at age 50.

        As a special bonus, deadcheaterhusband HATED tall white Colonels, he said they always got all the breaks. Maybe his problem wasn’t being a short latin, it was being an asshole.

        • That’s awesome that you found someone. I am beginning to believe that there are no good guys out there. I know logically that most men are honest and caring, but my interactions with most people on a daily bases are felons, users, alcoholics, or the mentally ill (literally). I was curious about all the chump comments regarding Craig’s list so I went on it. Yikes! I think my eyes are still burning. I mean honestly you can’t unsee that shit. I do have hope because of all the great recoveries some have experienced in CL. It’s truly heartwarming.

          • At 50 and having recently been burnt by ex-boyfriend (after disordered STBX), I also wonder where the decent available middle-aged men are. I have a hard time comfortably going to sleep at night knowing that both my STBX and my ex-boyfriend get tons of attention from new partners (often noticeably younger than me). Too bad I’m allergic to cats and dogs! At least if I were I could curl up with something living, breathing, and affectionate.

            • RSW, all I can say is what I said earlier:

              Your Picker Is Broken. Stop Dating. Stop Looking. Work on healing.

              Healing healing healing. Healing helps to ease the pain on every level, including the unshared bed. But you need professional help with this, as well as CL, especially if you aren’t eating.

              I don’t want to sound so bossy, but I read all your posts and they really touch my heart.

            • RSW you should try a Maltese! I am deathly allergic to dogs and cats, yet I have absolutely no allergic reaction to my Maltese. She can even lick me and I don’t break out in hives. You should test one out. Mine has been a life saver. And she hasn’t cheated on me yet;)

              • You absolutely cannot go wrong with a really good Parrot.
                You can teach him swear words. Or, fake out a burglar.
                Most pol aren’t allergic to them – and some make great communicators…you tell them something and they will ‘parrot’ it back to you. Now, to me? That sounds pretty healing.

    • Congrats, UnknowComic! I’ll be 50 in a month and I felt like my life was over, but I now realize I can have a new beginning, possibly with another man if I decide to date again. We’ll see what happens. 🙂

  • If only this letter was an April fools joke, and not 100% genuine imitation naugahyde. It’s like cheatings not enough; they have to rub your nose in it afterwards. In my experience, these people are disordered to the extreme AKA fucked.

    • ^^^THIS^^^ “It’s like cheating isn’t enough, they have to rub your nose in it.”

      Mr. Sparkles plays like he is sooo much happier and sooo much more fulfilled in his AP relationship. She has two young kids so they take my son and go on “family” outings… Easter Sunday church… ski trips.

      But we have to remember, that’s just what is on the outside.

      The reality is:

      – He has a personal ad on AFF and is still sourcing hookers… despite this “I didn’t think I could feel this way again.” love with her… maybe he really meant “I didn’t think I could fool yet another woman into loving me while I abuse her!”

      – His adult children consider him a “Man-Whore” (I didn’t even know that was a “thing”)

      – He recently bounced his rent check (I was notified because I had to co-sign the lease to move his ass out a year ago and for some reason, they still send me notices when he does stupid shit even though I’m off the lease.)

      – She has to ask my 18 year old stepdaughter if she should send Christmas cards to her ex-husband’s family (Yeah, she’s processed her divorce and is healthy enough for a new relationship!)

      – She drinks a bottle of wine to “unwind” (get Betty on speed-dial)

      Well… you can see where I’m going… the grass isn’t greener… the lies only get bigger.

      And, thanks to CL and the UBT we can see through it.

      • ICanSee, “I didn’t think I could feel this way again.” love with her… maybe he really meant “I didn’t think I could fool yet another woman into loving me while I abuse her!”

        x is doing exactly this, he has fooled another woman, not the one he left me for, into a relationship. She is being cheated on by the x with the woman that he left me for. Hmmmm, these cheaters never change. It’s always a game. The only thing is, is that the woman he is with now is the same as he is, envious, self-serving and all while being a “good” person.

  • Can’t this whole silly letter be summarized in one sentence? “The devil made me do it!” Of course without silly letters like that, we would not have the amazing UBT translation so good with bad, right?

  • Oh, yea. Got the “please let me come home. I will die out here without you” line

    • “Dont worry. If you die I will make a nice wreath for your funeral out of those condoms I found in your car. Youre welcome”

      • Love it! You can add the grubby work tank top with lipstick prints down the front (blech *shudder*) that was left in the car as a bow for the wreath.

  • I think I’ll write my soon to be ex a letter today. It should go something like:

    Dear husband, whose illusions of grandeur are the balm of my existence,

    I am sorry I went back to school to get my degree. Those couple of nights a week I was late coming home were obviously too much and you were lonely. It’s all my fault that you spent endless hours when we could have been together texting her, making excuses for being late, leaving early, going out “with the boys,” and other things. You deserve some “me time” too because I wanted to educate myself at your expense. Well, not that you paid for the education since it was fully provided for by my job, but that doesn’t matter honey. I should never have questioned you or asked you if there was a problem in our marriage that we needed to talk about. I feel so very bad for you that you had to put up with my attempts at communications.

    Had I really considered it, I’m surprised you didn’t cheat on me sooner. All those nights you didn’t come home because you were “out with the boys” and had too much to drink and had to spend the night on the couch, forgot my birthday, forgot Valentine’s day, dropped me off from a night out so you could go out again. You were such a tirelessly faithful and devoted husband. I’m ashamed I treated you so poorly.

    I’m also sorry that I asked you to contribute to any part of running the household. Yes of course I understand how long and hard you work so that you must sit and watch tv all weekend long while I vacuum, sweep, wash clothes, clean the yard, take care of the pool, grocery shop, cook, and other contributions so that I am just worn out at the end of the day. Yes I work a full-time job also, but yours is way more stressful than chasing down criminals and putting them in jail. Remember that time I stopped a robbery and got punched square in the head several times before I put the handcuffs on the guy who outweighed me by 100 pounds? Oh, that’s right, you weren’t home to help me with my concussion. But you were so amazing for rewarding me with sex as soon as we went to bed at night. Foreplay is for losers.

    So please come home. You may keep the other woman or why don’t you just move her into my house.

    Your devoted chump wife,

    P.S. April Fools dickhead!

  • Check this out, CN-

    I just read on ABC online that a 60 y/o Florida woman recently discovered her husband’s cheating. She confronted him and informed him she wanted to injure, maim, kill him, etc. Oh, she also wanted to give him PTSD, which she has stated she has.

    What she did was: as he was sitting in a chair she shot him in the knee and the bullet traveled up his thigh and logged in his testicle. She has been arrested.

    I certainly don’t advocate this sort of thing but, ok then………

    • I don’t do the Karma thing, but what are the odds that the bullet traveled up his thigh and logged in his testicle! How great is that!

      • “Should we go bail her out?” Hilarious AOK, roll on the ground hilarious….

  • CL, masterful job AGAIN! This greatly resembles my letter ~~ excuses in paragraphs, in bullets, in his ‘helpless whoa [sic] is me list’ (the latter was a list within a list of excuses/justifications/blame).

    MoFaux went on to state, “If you choose it to be so that will be the factor that will define our time together, that I broke the trust, that I was too weak to tell you that I/we needed to talk. But, I often wondered what you expected from me? [not a question, MF!]

    I asked what he would have thought if I had told him I was having an affair (note: he never told me, I found out and asked), and his reply was, ” I’d think to myself, I will always love this woman and want her to be happy and I would give you my blessing and hope that we could still be friends.”

    Isn’t he just the greatest? I can’t believe my fortune to have had a partner who could be so gracious. And understanding. And enlightened in his immediate forgiveness in this fictitious scenario. No muss. No fuss. No struggle to cope. Easy peasy.

    Later it was “my wish is that you soar with the eagles” and “you are a gift to humanity” and “hopefully you’ll continue to be my best friend.” Ahem, what is that you say?

    Yep. MoFaux is amazing. I am the cause of “this whole situation” and I’m being so silly in response. What is my problem, CN? Why am I foolishly making a BIG deal about this LITTLE trust issue?

    • Virago, I had to laugh at the crazy fantasy language your ex was using: “I’d think to myself, I will always love this woman and want her to be happy and I would give you my blessing and hope that we could still be friends.”

      The morning after my ex left, he sent a cheery “Good morning” email that said, “We aren’t leaving each other’s lives. We’ll still have many good times with our boys and their lovely ladies.”

      Isn’t that the weirdest? I made me wonder if he was already eying my DIL’s too.

      • Probably. I’m in trepidation when I think about how in just a few years, the ex will be fishing the same dating pool as the kids. They don’t know yet how disordered he is, but they’re going to learn.

      • Lyn, definitely weird! Run DILs! I’m sorry for all this shit you’ve been thru.

        Am kind of glad (I know ~~ THAT is weird) that I went thru it, because I just had no idea this shit was going on. It didn’t dawn on me that his only three friends were cheaters (two of them cheated on their partners to get together) and the third sent me a letter that stated he was certain that he was in love with me and that is why he treated me like a POS! (yes, this is all in the land-of-the-narcs with their unintelligible logic and reasoning!) And MoFaux continued to be friends with #3, even after reading that drivel. It is mind boggling to me now.

        I could not figure out why I was never interested in the people he wanted to be around. Both vision and understanding have improved!!

    • Virago & Lyn: Wow, your Xs are veritable saints. So magnanimous, so forward-looking, so….what am I looking for? full of shite. Once one acquires sufficient distance from them, they are amusing as a Laurel & Hardy movie.

      • So true, Tempest. Not speaking for Lyn here, obviously, but when I think of MoFaux now I get the image of a steaming fudge nugget. And his little cheating partner conjures up the sight of a clinging dingleberry.

        The House of Shite. Or Shiten Abbey.

  • Actually, he is getting evicted out of the house he’s living in and he told me that I need to tell the tenants that I have on the other floor to leave so he could move in. Get this….for the sake of the kids…..ahem, thanks to me the kids ALREADY have a roof over their heads. It’s your nasty behind that needs a place to live.Good luck with that, bro. I have exclusive rights to the marital home. Why don’t you crash at your very any friends you have been bad mouthing me to?

  • I had to lay my head on my desk for awhile because I was laughing so hard after reading this,

    “Like ga-ga or bubba. Could mean bottle, could mean Binky, or mommy. Who understands baby talk? Huge words are too much for babies.”

    Thanks for brightening my day!

    I’m one of the chumps who got no apology, just heaps of blame. Like, “The problem is YOU,” and, “This is all YOUR fault.” I used to daydream that one day I’d be on my death bed and my ex would visit and say how sorry he was for practically destroying me…but I know that day will never come. Even if it did, a bunch of crazy nonsense would probably still be coming out of his mouth.

    A good friend of mine actually had her ex show up on her doorstep a couple of years later. Although he married much younger OW, he wanted to tell his ex wife of 25 years that he was sorry. She thought it’d make her feel so much better to hear those words…but it didn’t. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she realized he was manipulating her to get something he wanted. Once the trust is gone, you can’t believe anything they say.

    • Replay your daydream that he’s laying on his death bed apologizing to you. Wait! You’re not there. No one is. 🙂

      • Completely in love with my slightly younger boyfriend/friend of decades, I sometimes envisioned my (now ex-) boyfriend holding my hand on my deathbed after many harmonious decades together. I might feel somewhat satisfied to learn that he was dying slowly alone, but, as someone who is considered a Nice Guy by many colleagues and friends, he will probably be surrounded by adoring colleagues and friends, and some nephews.

        • RSW:

          Burger. Pancakes.

          Hey, just a shake, if you only want liquids.

          Please. We want you back, not the False Advertiser who broke your heart.

  • Lame, lame, lame. Her sentence sums it all up: “My revelation. I didn’t really love you before.”

    And there it is. I never understood, how someone could make vows in front of God, to another person, get married and never love them. Those 2 years married to her husband should have made her love grow, make it deeper towards her husband and bond with him. But none of it happened!! And now she’s groveling to come back because her situation is really shitty, living with roommates and all. She’s only concerned with herself, not how she hurt her husband, married him without loving him, and doesn’t give a rats ass how her actions may have scarred him. And she chalks it all up to being immature. Rather, I think she may have a serious personality disorder. (I’m just guessing, but this isn’t normal).

    She states her wedding vows meant nothing when she was saying them on her special day. So she was acting the entire time. I don’t believe a single word in her letter, as she doesn’t mean any of those statements. Her statement should all end with: For me there is no other + “until next time I cheat on you”. I would add “until next time I cheat on you” after every sentence. A fundamental element has always been missing in this interaction and that is love. If it’s never been there, chances are it may never be, because something is off with her mentally, with her judgment or personality. I can’t pinpoint it, but this isn’t normal behavior. Please tread very carefully.

  • It still amazes me how my ex is incapable of claiming any accountability in her “apologies.” One would think that it would be easier to just suck it up for the three seconds it takes to write “I’m sorry for the horrible things I have done,” own up to it, and say “there – I’ve done it – I admit that it was my fault.” There. Done. Admitted. Simpler than three Hail Marys.

    But no, it appears to be the hardest thing in the world to do. The best I’ve been given is “I’m sorry for everything that happened” and “I’m sorry things unfolded the way they did.” Not “I’m sorry for what I did,” but “I’m sorry that IT happened.” Right. Like cancer or being hit by a drunk driver “happens.” Am I so stupid to accept that this was some sort of “act of God?” Um, no. There was a certain person who consciously and willingly dragged me through an emotional, physical and financial hell. Any normal person with any conscience would regard this sort of behaviour as EVIL.

    Would it not be easier for a cheater (who is inherently a lazy ass anyway) to just say “I’m sorry I fucked up” than to leave herself/himself open to further criticism and scrutiny and to “keep up appearances?” Does it not actually take work to do all that firefighting – trying to cover up the misdeeds? To me, it seems to be a waste of energy for someone who can’t be bothered to do anything else.

    I laughed so hard at a text I received immediately before she changed her cellphone number (for reasons I’m also curious about) that basically said she didn’t like me telling her what “kind of person” she is (I basically pointed out that I was concerned about her male “friends” picking up/dropping off my youngest son (8 yrs. old) to/from hockey practice as I was aware of her activities and I didn’t want him to be in close proximity with men of such low moral standards – what is stopping them from molesting little kids?) She then threatened legal action if I implied anything negative about her as a person. Interesting. It doesn’t seem to bother her to have this double life (sleeping with the neighbourhood) hidden (or maybe not so hidden) from the kids. She just doesn’t like to anybody saying that she is a bad person for wrecking other people’s lives (in addition to mine).

    Her parents, of course, claim that my marriage breakup MUST be partly my fault. Yeah, right, it was MY FAULT that I wasn’t supportive of her NEED to fuck other men. They are uber-religious (her dad is a former Anglican minister) and appear to be convinced that I am mentally ill for even suggesting the things I know about their baby daughter. Oh, if they only saw how far from Christian standards she has drifted! Not just a cheater, but a bona fide slut (who also now appears to be engaging with the BDSM community)! I was always amused (thoughout my 20 year marriage) at how uncomfortable they always got whenever the topic of sex came up in casual conversation about social morals (and they always seemed fixated about the immorality of “some people” who have multiple partners – even have orgies! Oh the horror!). Denial is such a powerful thing – if they only knew that their own daughter has far surpassed the level of depravity they shit their pants over!

    When I was engaged in the “pick me” dance, and felt compelled to describe the activities my ex was into, I was desperately asking my ex’s parents for help in “reminding” my ex of the damage she was causing to me and my family, thinking that my ex’s religious convictions (that I later learned were just all for show) might somehow kick in and wake her up (what the hell was I thinking?) Of course, they did absolutely nothing. How quickly those convictions about upholding “God’s rules” vapourized. They commented on how I was irrationally catastrophizing about heading into financial ruin, how I had no reason to complain about my emotional or physical health from the stress (“Oh it couldn’t really be that bad could it? – you have to stop sounding like a victim. Have you looked at what you did to cause this breakup?). Of course, all you chumps know that it gets worse. Way worse. I told them how wrong they were about my “delusional” concerns about my future. Their reaction? I got a card in the mail saying something like “May God be with you, always.” No, they couldn’t admit that they underestimated the magnitude of damage I saw coming. And they refuse to admit that my ex did anything wrong. Of course, it eventually dawned on me that they mattered even less than my ex. Still, I’m apparently the “childish one” for refusing to remain “friends” with my ex. Oop – what’s this? Hallelujiah! The morality train is back! “One of the strongest messages in the Bible is to forgive. You are clearly not doing this. Can you really claim to be a Christian.” Well fuck Pops, I guess not.

    Probably the worst thing about being a chump is realizing that everything you once thought was true about most people is DEAD WRONG. Your whole belief system is overturned. Hmmm…maybe that’s why a sincere apology never comes – narcissists like to see you squirm with lack of closure (although it still makes me wonder – it sure seems a lot easier to just fess up, so why do they put so much effort into crafting unapologetic apologies?).

    • narcissists like to see you squirm with lack of closure

      Of course they do. It’s one of the reasons No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.
      Mine won’t let go. When I don’t respond to him he tries new ways to get me to talk to him including:
      – telling the kid I’m an alcoholic
      – telling people we know that I had a boyfriend before we were divorce (I had to ask people if he was kind?cute? successful? where does he live?)
      – telling people we divorced because I cheated on him (Hector Projector much)
      – telling people I was dragging my feet so that he couldn’t buy his own house (I was D-day to divorce in under 5 months-who could believe that?)
      – most recently vandalizing my therapy partner’s car while it was outside my house

      Still NC outside of emails about the kid’s schedule or expenses, even those are about once a month.

    • Yah THIS.^^ Right there with you CLUD. Once you’ve caught them, once you’ve nailed them, once you’ve pegged them, the disordered can only put forth effort where the reward is to cause you pain and suffering. Unless of course, you give them more cake. Parents, siblings, counselors, it’s almost impossible to find anyone who can empathize with how bad it might be for you… unless they have gone through it themselves. Guess that’s why CN is so popular.

    • cLifeupsidedown – Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for my experience with the cheating STBXW, minus the religious stuff. In my case, her mother told her “this is all sephage’s fault,” and “you turned out wonderfully.”

      My definition of “wonderfully” doesn’t include $100K in secret debt, cheating, lying, etc.

      They don’t offer a genuine apology because, well, they’re not actually sorry. They really do believe that it’s someone else’s (your) fault.

      • There is no ‘genuine’ with cheaters.
        The apology, if offered, is totally worthless.
        Anyone who got one ~~ my sympathies.
        Anyone who did not ~~ you were spared.

        The Now Cynical Virago

    • You would think that your x FIL being an Anglican minister at some point in time would have remembered that there is such a thing as the 10 Commandments, but I guess when it’s your own kid f*ing up they become the 10 suggestions!!!!

  • I was lucky, my ex only sent an eight sentence e-mail that started with, “I don’t think I’ve ever given you the apology you deserve…” and then followed with seven more sentences of “I’m sorry, but…” and “I’m ashamed, but…” At least it gave me clarity that she was, in fact, neither sorry nor ashamed. Ten years, three kids and eight sentences. Sounds about right…

    • Marlowe713, I got possibly 10 sentences. I can’t remember how many actually because I deleted the email straight away. After 37years my ex husband said in his email – I have hurt you and it has divided our family. I love you, I always have and I always will love you and I cannot replace you, but … “us being together is not an option”. Were weren’t divorced when I received that email and I realised that he was not sorry or sad and as usual was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He did want me to remain his friend and be one of his f/buddies. So, after 37 years of marriage and a so called friendship of 46 years and 2 kids, he is now shacked up with a 23 year old and 2 little boys who he is now raising at the age of 63 and doing everything for those 2 kids that he never did for ours. I have never received an apology and I don’t want one, not now and I know he would not know how to genuinely say sorry. It simply isn’t in him.

      • Maree…he actually invited you to be ONE of his…FUCKBUDDIES?! As if that were some kind of compensation? How deeply insulting…how gross! What makes him think you would even want to be in the same room with him ever again? These ppl are so full of themselves.

        • yo, yes he actually said he wanted me to be an f/buddy. He is delusional obviously. I can honestly say that I could not be in the same room as him ever again because I would vomit at the sight of him. He is a complete and utter disgrace and loser in my eyes.

          • “can honestly say that I could not be in the same room as him ever again ”

            Now that cheaterhusband exists in Purgatory and no longer has the luxury of the various denial and avoidance methods that crazypeople use here on earth (disassociation was his fav), I have tried to imagine what he would say to me if I were teleported to visit him for 5 minutes …

            but I cant complete the mental exercise because I cant imagine myself being in a room with him for 5 minutes

    • Marlowe

      I never received one letter or an apology. Nothing. My therapist said he would attemp to come back even years down the road. It will never happen as he expects me to be the one who can’t live without him. I hope he’s not holding his breath.

      • Donna, are you sure you hope he’s not holding his breath? Just a thought…,

        • Or as my mother used to say … “I would hate to be hanging by the neck”. I am not sure which would kill him faster !!

  • I read this post early this morning but didn’t have time to reply until now…..LOVE the UBT!

    I learned with cheater to look for his actions, not his words, mainly because he SAID the right things but never DID what he said. In this letter, she wrote “I’ll wait” at least twice and that really stood out to me. She will ‘wait’ but she’s certainly not going to DO anything. Like there’s no action required on her part to make things right. Makes me want to scream! If I were to hurt someone I cared about, which of course would be inadvertent on my part given that I’m a people pleaser/chump, I would be DOING everything possible to make things right with that person.


  • “I am listening to acoustic versions of sad songs.”

    Is that supposed to be some sort of penance? “Because I what I have done, I will no longer invite any music that makes use of electricity into my life. That’s what I’m willing to give up to get you back.”

    BWAH-HA-HA!!!! That really struck me as funny and ridiculous. What a dumbass thing to say.

    • You cynical, cynical chumps….apparently acoustic renditions of songs is penance enough for falling onto strange men in various stages of undress, especially when that was done with no intention of hurting anyone, including spouses that vows were shared with. Please, you hypocrites, I’m sure that you too have made “mistakes”, have had things that you “deserve” like happiness not provided by you insufferable chumps and made choices that were not so wholesome to your marriages (everybody does it, don’t you know). So acoustic renditions of songs are more than enough penance for such little indiscretions. F*ing assholes all of them.

  • Why can they never ever mean this part?

    “so if you think that ship has sailed, that I’ve made such grave mistakes that you cannot move on from, then that’s fair enough. Just let me know and I will leave you alone.”

    Seriously boggles my mind.

    But, hey, soda and sad songs, that’s almost like remorse right? I feel bad…..for me.
    #fuckyoudietcoke LOL!!!!!

    kiss the UBT for me

  • OMG this may be my favorite of all time. As a male chump I really get, or have gotten, the same kind of psychobabble. The UBT was relentlessly on target. Maybe I’ll forward this link to my CW right now. Wel… maybe not…she’ll just find a way to ruin it.

  • Hey, I said I’m sorry, what more do you want from me? I’ve suffered as much as you have maybe even more. I’ve had to deal with three room mates who are getting on my nerves, you have no idea.
    I love you .., remember our wedding? we can re-new our vows if you want.
    Don’t hold onto anger, let it go. We all make mistakes. No marriage is perfect..,
    I really, really love you this time, not like two years ago when we were youngsters.

    Sadly when Cheater left me I would have probably agreed to all of this BS.

  • Oddly timely for me. I just got an email from the stbx that he is NOT SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID (the fucking, cheating, lying and leaving) but very sorry for HOW he did it. Uhhh- so it’s okay to deceive your family and then run away with your girlfriend? IMO this is just another way of saying it was true love and he had to do it. He says he beats himself up about how he treated me and he doesn’t give himself “a break”. What break should he get exactly? I stuck through 35 years of marriage to this addictive, mentally and physically ill prick while he betrayed me on every possible level and then abandoned me physically and financially. What I mean to say is….just like the above letter, which at least says that she loves him, words I will never hear….she is just looking for him to feel bad for HER (just as my stbx is doing). Telling us how much THEY have suffered. This alone is proof that she has not changed. Moreover, if she couldn’t keep it in her pants after being married just two years, the whole thing smells of doom. She will come back, make nice, get settled in and bored again, and when the time is right, do the exact same thing. Nice that he got the validation though. All of us chumps want to hear that, even if it was only true at the moment that she wrote it.

  • I wish I had a quarter for all the times STBX said the words “I’m sorry, but…” I’m sorry, but the marriage was over before the relationship with MOW began. I’m sorry, but you need to be accountable for what you did too. What was that? Anything and everything from we spent too much time with your parents at the holidays to you spent too much money on groceries to I brought you flowers on our three month wedding anniversary and you didn’t say thank you. All these reasons equaled that I took him for granted and never put him first in our marriage. Anyway…what else… I’m sorry, but if you can’t trust me this will never work…and no I’m not handing my cell phone over to you even though I promised our MC just yesterday that I would. I’m sorry, but that receipt your holding in your hands for the trashy Chicago Bears thong underwear that I sent her for Christmas, complete with shipping information to her place of work…sent on the night you were home baking Christmas cookies with my newly widowed mother and our baby while I stayed out late? Yes, sorry about that, but that receipt isn’t accurate and you are imagining what you are reading. I’m sorry, but the part about you crying that my affair and subsequent divorce is going to tear apart our little boy’s family? Only if your anger at me allows it. I’m sorry, but I just can’t make you happy. (Yep, yep, having an ongoing affair with your married employee does not a happy wife make). And I’m sorry, but….I deserve to be happy.

    I quote his mother, his aunt and his sister… “I’m sorry, but… STBX just wasn’t happy…and everyone deserves to be happy. (I guess by everyone, they left out me and my 2 year old son who’s lives were being ripped to shreds while STBX was finding his happiness in the pants of another man’s wife.) His family is all uber-super-duper Christian and were frequently sending him texts and emails about how they were praying for him, God wants him to be happy, etc. Argh. I call them the Christians for Serial Infidelity League.

    • “Christians for Serial Infidelity League.” I really like this!!!!! Do these “Christians” ever remember the 10 Commandments, they are not the 10 suggestions. Oh wait, if it’s your family member, then ok, because they didn’t really mean it, they were confused, they needed and deserved to be happy. “Deserving to be happy” apparently only goes for the cheaters, everyone else, well they should just bask in the cheaters happiness, that’s enough, isn’t it?????

      • Re “Commandments”. This deserves to be posted again, especially if the younger folks haven’t heard of George Carlin. Hint – it comes down to just TWO commandments.

        • Shechump,

          Thank you for the George Carlin video. He always helps me screw my head back on the right way.

      • The problem with most Christians today is that they cherry-pick what is considered a sin and excuse whatever makes them feel uncomfortable or requires them to do something about what they have been taught is wrong. I love my sons, but when they do something wrong, I don’t forgive them and tell them it is okay because they are special snowflakes going through a bad phase. I correct them, even though they don’t like it. Correction is part of loving your children. Telling them garbage about God wanting them to be happy, so it’s fine that they cheat on their wives and families, is not.

        I’m pretty sure Jesus simplified all those complicated commandments to love God completely, and love and treat others as you want to be treated. I don’t see how people can further twist that into doing whatever makes them happy, no matter the consequences to other people. I’m pretty sure most people following Jesus should recognize “Do as thou wilt” as Anton LaVey satanism, not Christianity.

        So tired of the hypocrisy, and I’m sorry you had to experience that hypocrisy, too. May you find and be surrounded by people who are brave, loving, and trustworthy.

  • What an evil twit!

    I love the dichotomy that she has in her letter. First she says that he is her guy and then she goes on to say that she didn’t really love him when they got married but basically that he was just useful. Then later on she says he’s the love of her life. Seems like she can’t make up her mind.

    My guess is that she’s having trouble keeping her lies straight. Funny how being basically dishonest will do that.

    In my case, the only thing cheater ex had say to me about the whole affair was that it was basically my fault because of my “fuck you attitude”. That was his justification for everything that he did. Entitled to the end.

    He knew he wasn’t going to be able to hoover me in. When I first started dating him I told him that if we ever got to the point of commitment, that he better think twice about cheating. Because once he made that promise, the first time he cheated would be it, there would be no going back. I would be completely done with his sorry ass. I even told him if he had any wild oats left to sow, he’d better get on out there and sow them, because once he crossed that line and we were committed, there would be no do over if he decided to cheat. So he knew better than to try to suck me in with some sob story. When he made his decision to cheat he knew that was the end.

    I’m sure that was part of why he was so angry with me. I refused to engage and he didn’t have the option of the fun of screwing with me even more.

    • Tessie, you are da Bomb! I love your boundaries and I love you were unwavering in your stance. And once you had decided, that was it, you were done with your cheating ex. You are an inspiration!

  • I went over to the site where the original letter was posted; I gave the writer a heads-up about the UBT. She read the UBT, but apparently doesn’t have the courage to wade into the fray over here.

    Here is her response to my post:

    Wow! Ha ha that is pretty scathing. It’s pretty funny though, I’ve got to admit! I can see where the writer is coming from. You can absolutely tear this letter apart as a self-soothing monologue to justify the cheating. Not my intention. I don’t know what my intention was. I don’t think I had one. It was really just to throw my feelings out into the blogosphere because I was feeling quite alone in my thoughts. It was the perfect way to share with someone without (real life) repercussions. So while you could read it as a disingenuous sappy “woe is me, I’m blaming alcohol” monologue (and I am now, reading this in a new light. I’M laughing at it with the blogger’s comments. Gosh I’m a bit embarrassed) it’s meant to be more of a “I messed up royally. Don’t really know why, but here’s how I think why and here’s how I’ve addressed it” reflection. The writer may have been on the receiving end of being cheated on and may be writing from a space of anger, cynicism and general hardness. If so, I really hope they find or have found their happiness after that.
    “Now peel me some grapes bitches!”

    • Ian – her response is quite lacking. Based on that, I’d encourage CN **not** to visit her site / respond to her, because otherwise we will all shortly be going deaf courtesy of the 180-decibel-level sounds of her lapping up ego-kibbles.

      “The writer may have been on the receiving end of being cheated on and may be writing from a space of anger, cynicism and general hardness.”

      That statement alone so drastically misses the main points about the abuse of infidelity that it suggests to me that she’s a hopeless case, at least in terms of some blog comments causing her to rethink her approach to life.

      • Sephage–that sentence struck me as well. Why would someone NOT be angry about being cheated on? Perhaps if I’d had a total ablation of my frontal lobes and amygdala I might manage a bland shrug after infidelity. Another point toward the writer being clueless about the damage she has done. Self-centered twat.

    • Ian, did you see her other response to you? Much more illuminating’ she said:

      “I’m sorry your wife cheated on you too Ian — really. It’s the most selfish thing a person can do to someone else. It’s almost pathological. To hurt the person most dear to you. It’s disgusting behaviour and has no justification. Can only hope to grow from it. To answer your question though, no I haven’t sent it. Having read Chump lady’s views I’m more inclined not to! Hey Ian — if your wife who cheated sent this letter to you, what would your reaction be? Would you get angry thinking it’s belittling your pain experience and making it all about them, or would you see it as someone sorry and wanting to reconnect?”

      Looks like she wants some hoovering advice, how can she fix it up so her chump will take her back…bah!

      • Wow… She is something else. Only a manipulative and narcissistic cheater would have the audacity to ask Ian (a complete stranger, who merely shared that he was also the cheated-on husband) for advice about her email and its content. CL and CN are right as usual… Trust that they ALL suck.

      • I saw her responses to Ian D and thought, “she just doesn’t get it, and she never will.”

        Meanwhile, I noticed something else on the blog: one of her readers recommended that she look into Ester Perel and view her TED talks! I suspect the cheater writer will go down that rabbit hole, as it is much more suited to her character than are CL and CN.

        • Facepalm. Because the writer’s content will be SOOO improved by watching Perel. My betta fish write better than this woman.

      • Dat,

        I hadn’t seen her second response. Thanks for the heads-up. It really gave me the creeps.

        I was done a great disservice by my parents. Here are the lessons I wasn’t given: 1. Safer-sex strategies; 2. How to break-up with someone, and how to be broken-up with; 3. How to apologize.

        I started to write her a real, emotional response to her letter. I was writing it as if she was my wife, and I was responding directly to her letter. It got real violent and scarily psycho real quick. ? Fuck her crazy-ass. I don’t want to wade around in that shit with her.

        What if she did send it to him? What is the status of their relationship? I’m guessing she snowed him, and they’re back together. A guy that young who was still in contact with her might not have learned his lesson yet.

        She’s so nutty that I could spend hours dissecting her navel-gazing screed. The first thing that caught my eye about her horrible letter (aside from it reading like the dregs of a stream-of-consciousness automatic-writing exercise of a mass-murderer) was the discrepancy CL pointed out between “one act of infidelity” and “acts of infidelity.” She’s still blame-shifting, gas-lighting, and outright lying to her poor (stb?(x?))husband. She continually writes she has “no idea” why she did it. But in the next breath she says she was “lonely.” You’ve only been married two years, girl. You hardly even know each other. You didn’t get lonely. You wanted to fuck another dude. Did you confess after you got caught?

        Finally, I’ve done some truly stupid and misguided things in my life. I’d like to think that this girl can go on to live a happy life and quit victimizing hapless dudes. (Haha!) Fuck that. She’s totally fucked. Like, totally fucked. Fuck her. ?

    • “The writer may have been on the receiving end of being cheated on and may be writing from a space of anger, cynicism and general hardness.”

      It’s truly amazing how they go right from the same cheating playbook of denying and blame-shifting and mindfuckery to spouting the same psychobabble crap they’ve read in some self-help book that assured them they are FINE exactly the way the way they are and the problem really is with those other people who expect things like honesty and accountability.

    • I won’t be peeling any grapes. If a whore decides to get aggressive on the people who know damn well what she is, she ought to get herself in line.

  • Listen……..I just had to spend some lengthy time in the hospital sitting next to my ex (our daughter was having surgery)……he told me how he only gets four hours of sleep a night and he is on sleeping pills. STILL looking for cake from me. I told him to take a higher dose!

  • where is the “APRIL FOOL’S!!… Just wanted to play that joke on you like I always did! Text me, ok?”

  • I got an “I’m sorry text” after 32 years of no contact with my X. Not even a letter or a telephone call – a fucking text! The short of it is, it was a quid pro quo because he wants to remarry in the Catholic Church. Our marriage was the only one that was a Catholic ceremony – the other two were not. Yes, you read it right, there were two other marriages! Needless to say, I really seized the opportunity to tell him a couple of things as after 32 years I had some things I needed to say. I’m still waiting for the Archdiocese to contact me as I heard they have contacted the 3rd wife already and have asked her to complete a questionnaire – why, I don’t know as their union was a Civil Union. (She and I are very good friends). In his text, immediately after saying he was sorry he stated that he wants to remarry and that he has renewed his faith in the Catholic Church. Although he is already married for a 4th time, apparently this Civil Union is not good enough for his 4th wife – she’s into the church and the pomp and circumstance that goes with an elaborate wedding – all for show! Not to mention that she is only 4 years older than our child together. What a sick bastard! The worst kind of Narc EVER!

    • ReeRee, you can stop him getting an annulment of your marriage – which is what he is looking for. If you believed at the time you got married that it was to be a permanent, lifelong, monogamous commitment, you tell them that.

      I would also tell the Archdiocese in an affidavit about all his cheating during your marriage. That should slow things down nicely.

      There is no way a man with that many previous marriages, inclung a current civil union, should be given an annulment without a really good fight. PS He may get one, and marry this latest lady in church will all the flowers she can cram into the place, but he will keep cheating and their marriage will still collapse. God is not mocked.

      • Hi. Thank you for responding to my 2 cents on the subject of “sorry.” I have been reading up on the subject of annulment and am very prepared to answer what ever comes my way. It is my understanding that they began their affair approximately 1.5 years before he left his 3rd wife. He is a serial cheater – every subsequent wife/relationship after our marriage began and ended the same way. He consistently leaves one for another always thinking “this is the one.” I hear they attend church at the very least 3 times per week and Joel Osteen is their idol – always quoting him and attending his event appearances when he’s in the Washington, DC area. He drags his 88 year old mother along to church events, especially around holy holidays and although she’s embarrassed by his instability, she goes along with HIS program. The new wife was found to have had bankruptcies, skipped out on a couple of landlords, has a spotty employment history and is a slut. How do I know? A letter was once intercepted where she was being scolded by him because she was caught fucking 2 of his co-workers. Crazy, right? smh A letter she once wrote to him stated something like….”I know you have been married a few times and have cheated on your wives, are you going to make a fool of me?” But we all know that she is in it for the money – she definitely married up financially speaking. She snagged this piece of shit by constantly praising him. Her “love” letters to him are nauseating – full of praise fitting for God and no one else. It all seems so fake – but this is something he can’t see. She must know his diagnosis of narcissism and plays it to the hilt!. Both intercepted letters refer to each other as “beloved” and makes references to their “forbidden love.” Unbelievable!

    • I take it his bride to be is catholic? I feel sorry for her. I actually hope she’s not too devout. I can only imagine how tough it must be for a devout catholic to be married to a cheater. Being christian, I was not quick to divorce. I took serious vows, this was supposed to be a lifelong thing. I took the verbal swipes, felt like the cheating was my fault and tried to be a better wife for several years afterwards. I’m protestant, not catholic. It’s generally believed that divorce is permissible in cases of adultery – especially unrepentant, serial adultery. It’s also believed that you can remarry without being in sin if your ex-spouse was an adulterer. It still took me a long time to feel like divorce was an acceptable option. One of the things that helped me was when an actual pastor didn’t understand why I was still married to someone who couldn’t keep his vows of fidelity to me.

      • Hi JannaG. Thank you for your response. Please don’t feel sorry for this woman. She’s not a devout Catholic nor a devout Christian. SHE IS A DEVOUT GOLD DIGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love has nothing to do with this marriage. It’s all about the BENJAMINS!!!! The entire family would swear on a stack of Bibles attesting to this fact!

  • The cheaters always has nice thing to say about the whole situation. My H’s ho-worker wrote to my H: ” i do get something from you that i’ve never got from anyone else, it’s not for the lust or desire to ruin someone’s life, it’s way purer and simpler than that, it’s TRUE affection.” I was so pissed, shouldn’t that low life slut have ture affection for her own husband instead of someone else’s husband!?

    • The more I read CL the more I learn & got scare of my narc. thanks to the website I am organizing & being calm without pills. Of all the sfuff I have read here I pick up the frase :” It is not my fault”. AHole is lecturing my son about being honest because of his grades and not saying the true…. WTH MOFO? I would like to jump on him with a Samurai sword like The movie Kill BILL yesss they suck!!! Keep writing Chump Nation for the 1st time I was googling therapist and since I am in Ahole’s insurance he might noticed. So as soon I noticed that I have to pay Around $100 per session No way!! I rather save it for other stuff!! keep writing CN you are my therapy specially on the weekends were anxiety kicks in.

      • FicoChump: You can post in the Private: General Forums for help & support for other chumps, especially when your cheater delivers new and exciting mindfuckery into your life. Good to you for seeing the light and lining up your ducks for a divorce. Hugs!

  • Hey EmJay,
    If you are reading these comments and you really care about your husband, let him go.

    First you wax poetic about two kids in love then you have a revelation ” I didn’t really love you before. I loved how you fit in with my life.” That sums it up, you’re entire letter is about your loss. You are not missing loving your husband, you are missing the security of having someone love you. Big difference. Cliche, you don’t know what love is, listening to sad music isn’t going to teach you that. Every self absorbed asshole on the planet does that. you sound young, go to therapy and learn empathy – if you manage to do that maybe you can love someone. If that happens you will write a very different letter to your husband.

    • And take a look at these words: “Telling you was the most horrific thing to ever have endured…” Let’s just say that telling your partner you have been cheating is far down the horrific scale from finding out you are married to someone who has betrayed you, lied to you, and then minimized your pain.

  • The UBT is in top form today. Totally spot on. I guarantee this baby girl was first, caught red handed and second, will not end up being a cat lady. She’ll be screwing someone else’s husband in no time. (If not already).

    I’m sure cheaters could use her letter as a boiler plate and copy and paste. Who wants to waste all that time typing when there’s other fun to be had.

    Great job, UBT. Great comments too.

    • Well it said in her letter that she owned up to it! If that’s true – kudos to her. It’s a first step, although she has a lot to go! And it’s better than 99% of all our cheaters on here, who were all caught out! Big difference.

      • Nope. A real apology is Let Me Make It Up to You…What can i do to ease Your pain? I ache for the pain ive caused you…i dont deserve you…Not I am miserable..i miss you…I have to live with roommates!…I am so unhappy…me…me…myself…lets focus on me and my feelings about what I did…and what I want and what I need.

  • ‘I’m sorry but…’ is NOT a fucking apology!
    The sheer amount of self-justification and woe-is-me bullshit in this is absolutely disgusting.
    The ONLY thing that needed to be said in that trainwreck of a letter is: ‘I am a cheater, I willfully deceived you. There is no possible way I can make up for this.’ The rest is just word-salad garbage.
    Two words for this dipshit: GROW UP.

    • I heard “I’m sorry, but none of this would have happened if we’d gotten help sooner.” This from the guy who refused to go to marriage counseling after his first affair. I should have divorced him then. There is nothing more obnoxious than saying “No, we don’t need help, we can just work this out ourselves.” Then, turning around and saying “This wouldn’t have happened if we had gotten help sooner.”

      What he really means:
      I’m not sorry. I don’t need help. My self mutilation, drinking, lying, gaslighting, verbal abuse and manipulative threats of suicide prove that I’m doing great! WE don’t need help either. You just need to let me eat cake. Your feelings are irrelevant. You will be discarded. Resistance is futile.

      • Ahh, the good ol’ “Lets move the goalposts so s/he feels off balance and unwanted” crap?
        You just can’t win with these people – which this is why its so important to simply just not play that game – take yourself and go home. (Or, in other terms: No contact)

  • I just read this. The Talking Heads reference is HILARIOUS. “And you may tell yourself This is not my beautiful wife”. I’m sitting here LMAO. Chump Lady, when I’m feeling really bad, I turn to you. My therapist has said ” She has been a great help to you”. He’s correct. Thank you from a stranger. Sincere thanks. The last year plus has been low level insanity hell. Your column has helped me as much as Ativan. Some days it was the only thing that made me smile.Thanks CL & CN. Don’t ever go away. For all of us cheated upon. Same as it ever was…

  • To Em Jay: You say you love your husband NOW. If thats true then you will want whats best for HIM. What is better for him? A. Divorcing you and someday marrying an honest trustworthy and intelligent woman who is worthy of him? Or B. Staying with a woman who is a proven liar…cheater…likes to get drunk on weekends…makes vows she cant understand…has emotional “issues”…casually makes promises she knows she wont keep ( ” I will wait as long as it takes” )is self centered as all hell. Dont believe me? Proofread your “apology”. Well..?If you choose B then I rest my case.

  • They really are entitled idiots. Mine said ” you really need to stop acting like victim”. er? He abandoned his children for 4 years, dragged me through a very expensive court battle, refuses to pay his child maintenance, holidays endlessly, we are being kicked out of the family home , he is a serial philanderer etc etc.
    The children and I ARE the victims! Yet somehow, very weirdly its all v difficult for him?? I don’t think so mate.

    The husband of this revolting woman needs to have NOTHING to do with her ever again. Run and don’t look back

    • One of the many, many problems with how society views infidelity is that it looks at the cheater as the victim. I can’t tell you how many people, including those in my own family said, well, STBX wasn’t getting his needs met, he wasn’t happy, you need to think about what role you played here, how were you not meeting Ex’s needs. And yes, my Ex has said the same thing to me…you need to stop acting like the victim! it’s hard enough having your life blown up and that of your child(ren), seeing Ex ride off into the sunset with another man’s wife with barely a scratch to his image…and still have people think that somehow he was the victim of being in an unhappy marriage and not having his needs met so its so understandable why he would look elsewhere. I will tell you…I wasn’t having my needs met either, but I understood marriage vows and for better or worse, and did not go looking for my happiness in the pants of another man.

      • I’m sorry, Christina. The piling-on from people you know after the assault of infidelity is very painful and maddening. No one deserves that.

      • I hear you! That was salt in my wounds when “therapists” would say crap like that. I was already crying myself to sleep over the pain and grief. Just wishing someone would meet MY needs for once, especially the need to have physical contact like hugs, a hand on the shoulder, something. But, my once touchy ex didn’t seem that interested in my needs, and, after the divorce, I didn’t know who to turn to to meet those needs. Also, it took some effort to get sex from him during the last year. All that and guess what? I. Never. Cheated. Then, we get to hear that our exes cheated because we weren’t meeting his or her needs well enough. It’s no wonder people with loose morals cheat when society practically rewards them for it and punishes the person they hurt instead.

        • A lot of therapists (and people in authority) pull the ‘What did you do to make them do this to you’ about a lot of things, not just cheating.
          Personal experience here: I was severely bullied by a group of girls during my childhood and through adolescence. What was the response from authority (teachers and such)? “You’re obviously doing something to bring it on yourself – you have obvious mental issues and that is why you have a big fat target on your back. Grow up. They are model students. You, on the other hand, lack social skills and need to fix that”
          I wasn’t aware that being introverted constituted “obvious mental issues” – and is it really any wonder that I kept to myself after the shit they piled on me? Seriously? Those teacher-fucksticks ought to have known better. To tell a 10yr old that they deserved to get emotionally abused? Thats disgusting.

          • Lania, I feel very sad that you had to go through such terrible treatment as a child, not only from your school ‘friends’ but to have it compounded by the teachers. For them to state “you’re obviously doing something to bring it on yourself – you have obvious mental issues and that is why you have a big fat target on your back. Grow up. They are model students”. That is just disgusting and further abuse on top of what you were already subjected to by the cowards.
            If it is any consolation to you Lania, model students have always gotten away with murder at school and they were mostly a protected species particularly where I went to school. I was a nice kid but never a model student!! 🙂 As for having mental issues because you are an introvert, that is disgusting. I am not sure if you told your parents about this abuse or that they came to your defence. If not, I am truly sorry for the abuse you had to endure. You certainly come across now as a very strong and intelligent young woman who won’t take any crap from anyone and good on you. ((HUGS))

            • My parents knew of the abuse, and fought back accordingly. Even though my father was a cheater later on, back then he said something which makes me smile to this very day: “Do you have a degree in psychology or are a practising psychiatrist? No? Then cut out the bullshit of making a diagnosis about my daughter, thank you”.
              My mother on the other hand, was a serious warrior queen about what happened, and said “If you don’t do something about it, I WILL” to them.
              I’d say that what happened in my past is the reason I no longer tolerate bullshit in any way, shape, or form. Even when I was being cheated on, I immediately went no contact. I spackled when it came to my emotionally abusive partner, but I think it was more out of a sense of ‘Maybe things will get better in the future’ more than anything else.
              Thanks for the support, Maree. It means a lot to me

      • OMG… I was/still feeling this way today, yesterday and probably tomorrow. It’s always about the cheater isn’t! We chumps fall into a black hole and no longer exist to family any friends in many cases. Like we’re defective individuals to society!

        This sucks!

  • Tracy you are brilliant. Thank you for lighting the way back to integrity.

  • Thank you, Tracy!!!! Excellent post!!!

    LOLOLOL @ #fuckyoudietcoke and

    No whirlpools of self-pity here, no Sir.

    I’m just going to whimper some more until a friend checks on me and brings me food.

    I hope they get here soon before I am swept away by currents of unfamiliarity.

    And you may ask yourself
    Where is that large automobile?
    And you may tell yourself
    This is not my beautiful house!
    And you may tell yourself
    This is not my beautiful wife!

    Awesome stuff!!!!

  • I just read this to my husband. (not my Narc, I got away from that fuckbake aeons ago), because I knew he could relate. His cheating live-in girlfriend didn’t send him a letter, she sent him a cassette. (That’s how old we are.) He has no idea what was on it, because he immediately taped David Bromberg over it. No sense wasting a cassette! He still has it. I kinda wish I could have heard her blather, but I give him major credit for not giving her a second more of his time.

  • “This wasn’t about me disrespecting and not valuing YOU — it’s about me not valuing MYSELF more.”

    That was my cheaters main line in trying to keep the cake (reconciliation) going. And of course the gottman therapist bought it all.

    But the truth was, the AP treated her badly, so she felt she needed to value herself more. Later, during reconciliation, the AP suddenly treated her nicely again, and she AGAIN (3rd time) resumed the affair because now she valued herself.

    In terms of her relationship with me – ALL LIES and ALL CAKE and ALL BS. 100% unicorn.

  • Just curious. What would be a good example of an apology letter that showed promise?

    • If you don’t really know the answer to this:
      1) You’re not a chump.
      2) You don’t have very much empathy
      3) You’re not actually sorry for what you did
      4) You need to learn how to use the Internet/library properly
      5) Please get therapy right away
      6) I’ll pray for you

    • It starts with empathy. You know, it shows that the cheater puts some thought into how crappy their own behavior was, in more ways than just the sexual infidelity. It shows that the cheater tries to, and does a pretty good job of, putting him or herself in the shoes of the chump. It details exquisitely just how the cheater harmed the chump. And therein lies the magic. You see, a cheater has a really, really hard time imagining other people’s pain. Also they don’t care.

      There’s no “but” in the letter. There’s no blame, and no “poor me.” There might be examples of steps the cheater has taken to reconcile him or herself with their own character, and what the plan is (and steps already taken) to pay restitution, with no anticipation nor expectation of what the chump will do in return for crumbs.) There will be admission of guilt, not just to the chump, but to the chump’s family and friends, and to the cheater’s family and friends, hat in hand. There is no pleading, no demanding. There is no description of how badly the cheater wants the chump fixture back in his or her life to fill some sort of romantic fantasy role, to serve the cheater in some sort of way. There’s no drama.

      Ain’t gonna happen. Cheaters are very flawed individuals, steeped in entitlement and disorder. Best not to hope for an apology, and instead work on forgiving yourself for not recognizing the red flags for what they were in the beginning of the relationship. Best to apologize to yourself, brush yourself off, and move on. Remember that cheaters are liars. Odds are overwhelming that any apology that came from a cheater would be just another manipulative fabrication, even if the cheater believes the apology to be sincere. I’m not of the opinion that they have the ability to really love anyone. Sad, but true.

    • That is a good question. When trust has been violated so egregiously and severely, and given so many similar stories of words and letters not back by true remorse and action, so many similar stories of cheaters continuing the mind-fuck, manipulation and control techniques, that perhaps such a letter is not possible because it carries no meaning, no weight.

      Perhaps a better approach would be for a cheater to create a plan, with action items and due dates.

      1. I will meet with a lawyer this week and craft a pre-nup where the you is fairly treated and well compensated in case I do cheat again and we end up divorcing.
      2. We will meet with 4 marriage therapists and I will let you choose the one that best meets your needs. I will pay for all marriage therapy. I will arrange and schedule all therapy meetings.
      3. I will not spend ANY money on me until all time and resources spent on the affair are fully recouped.
      4. I will let you call the shots on how we resume sexual relationships and bring my A game of passion to our marriage. If you want to resume sex and intimacy, I will be fully engaged and open.
      5. For a year or more, I will take on more duties at home: more cleaning, more parenting, more money management, more yard work. I will invest in our family 100%.
      6. I will tell my parents and some of our close friends of the affair, and apologize to them as well and again publicly reaffirm my commitment to you and our marriage, just like I did at our wedding.
      7. I will tell the AP’s spouse of the affair and apologize.
      8. I will let you install key loggers on all my computing devices.
      9. I will text you my whereabouts at all time and let you have access to FindMyIphone at all times.
      10. I will let you describe your experience, your pain, your point of view, your sadness, your anger, your hopes and dreams weekly for an hour and just listen and attempt to understand. Whenever you want to discuss the impact of the affair, I will listed and feel intently.
      11. I will be in charge of finding weekly or bi-weekly babysitting, and arrange for date night.
      12. If the AP is at the same company, I will find a new job. If I travel for work I will find a new job where I don’t travel for work.

      If I fail to meet any part of this plan, you can invoke the pre-nup and divorce me.

      and so on.

      • Buddy – I love this. Sure beats the 180!

        However, to me, as smartly said as this is, it looks like a Unicorn Fantasy.
        In my experience, a cheater would never agree to any of this.
        Oh my – the confinement….Sure, I’ll go along with it for awhile, yanno, so I can get into your knickers but you know, I can’t change and become somebody I’m never capable of becoming. I cannot grow a beautiful horn on my head.

        I CAN’T have a divorce now – it would cost me 1/2 my income in spousal support and 1/2 my IRA. Promise I’ll kiss you when I walk out the door, honey.

        If I was a cheater like him, I guess I’d just have to buck up and pay the cost.
        Like my X did.
        He didn’t want to reconcile anyway.

    • Hi Julia 🙂

      I’m not sure why your question rattled TrustingGod’s cage (I had to re-read all the posts to see if you’d revealed yourself to be EmJay, or whether you’d been a bit troll-ish earlier on and I’d missed it)! I think the fact you are asking what an acceptable apology letter would look like actually shows you ARE likely a chump!

      Both Miss Sunshine and Buddy have given great examples of what a genuine apology should look like. Unfortunately, a genuine apology is as rare as a unicorn sighting.

      I hope TrustingGod hasn’t driven you off – I’m guessing she was mightily triggered by your question and instantly assumed you were a troll (for some reason). There was nothing wrong with you asking. I’m hoping if you are attempting reconciliation and looking to gauge whether your cheater’s apology is genuine or not, you keep reading here. Put down the hopium pipe and keep watching what he does, not what he says.

      Wishing you peace and strength x

      • You are right, Jayne, in thinking that I took Julia for a troll. The lack of any personal story with this question made me think instantly of a cheater who is too lazy to do anything themselves, and now expects chumps to tell her how to win back her chumpy husband. I have no desire to help anyone help win back their chump with a step-by-step apology.

        I made an assumption I should not have made. I need to remember that people don’t necessarily express themselves the way I would. It is possible that a chump might ask that question without following it up with,”I’m not sure what I should accept as an apology from my spouse.” I didn’t think that at the time I read it, because I know exactly what I wanted my husband to say and exactly what I wanted him to do in order to atone for his infidelities and neglect of me and our family. I read emotional and their suggestions, I read the 5 Languages of Apology, I read all kinds of things, but I never asked anyone to tell me how to apologize, so I couldn’t see how any other chump would need to be told that.

        I confess, I had to do almost all the work in my marriage and for our family, while my husband liked to take credit. My husband rarely apologized for anything, and if he did it was just to soften me up so I’d do something, or get me to be quiet about what he’d done. I wanted to reconcile for my children’s sakes, for financial reasons, for spiritual reasons, for hopium reasons. I felt I just couldn’t fully forgive him and move on until I got a full written confession from him, expressing his remorse, because he kept saying he wasn’t going to apologize to me anymore after his initial, and only, “sorry, then.” I told him so, and he refused, and followed it up by telling me he wasn’t going to go on with me always checking who he was talking to, etc. The day everything ended was when he infuriated me by saying he did nothing wrong.

        So yeah, not knowing what an apology is, expecting people to do all the work for you while you reap the benefits…those are triggers for me. And people not sharing their pain and situation on here is suspicious to me, because most people can’t wait to finally tell the truth about everything. And I really don’t want cheaters to get help in chumping people from chumps, so I had a flippant answer.

        But since giving the answer I gave was rude, and I know that is not how I should respond to anyone to be the kind of person I want to be, here are my apologies, whichever one applies:

        To Cheater/troll Julia:

        I apologize for the rude answer I gave you. My own anger and bitterness over my situation is not an excuse for my behavior to you, or to anyone. I alone am responsible for my actions and reactions. Please accept my apology. In the future, I will bypass any such triggering comments whenever possible. If I ever do comment, I will focus on making sure my reply is the kind I would be fine with receiving, not a rude one. Thank you for reading my apology, and my prayers go with you.

        To chump Julia:

        I am so, so sorry for making assumptions about you. It was so wrong of me to do something that would hurt you when I know as much as anyone here how much rejection and terrible treatment we’ve all been through. I hope you are not deterred from commenting in the future because of me. I know how much you must need the freedom to express yourself about your situation without feeling like anyone is going to attack you for what you said or how you said it. Please know that I will not be making these sorts of rude comments to anyone here in the future, and will be the first to step up and defend you if anyone else does. I allowed my own feelings to color my perception and behaved terribly. It was in no way your fault, and I deeply apologize. You have a right to better treatment from me as a fellow chump who has done me no wrong. Please, please forgive me. Thank you for reading my apology, and I pray that you find the peace, happiness, and love you deserve.

        • OMG – Trusting God. THIS THIS THIS is the reason I read this site. So many great people here. And, I think we’d have all liked that apology in some form from our X’s. True, real, honest about asking for forgiveness.

          Chump Nation – I could NOT do this without you!

          Thanks, Trusting God!

  • Thanks for translating this poor misunderstood creature’s letter. I needed a laugh today.

  • Weddings make me misty for cake too – not the fuck brad kind – the chocolate and icing kind. Yummmmmmm! Hooray for chocolate! 🙂

    • I think I need to figure out the trick to getting my friends to buy me food, especially chocolate cake. Did she just wear a bib and sit in her high chair? Is that how friends know it’s feeding time?

      • Lol You just reminded me of a program I saw about Strange Addictions where this grown man liked to act like a baby. He had his own crib and high chair…drank from a bottle…wore diapers. I wonder who changed his diapers…ugh.

  • “Darn GPS. I turned left at Fuck Brad Blvd.”

    This the is 100% quality whole-grain snark that keeps me as a proud customer of the UBT. Caps lock isn’t big enough to accurately describe my LOL.

  • GM CN! NOte aside … Can someone maybe Tempest tell CL to record her book party event on May 14 & put on the website or how about a “live stream event” ❓❓That would be awesome ?❗️

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