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UBT: “Infidelity is a lousy reason to end a marriage”

fuckingstupidDr. Keith Ablow, Fox New psychiatrist, where have you been all my life? You’re Universal Bullshit Translator GOLD.

Today’s UBT fodder is this wacky defense of serial cheating, “Infidelity is a lousy reason to end a marriage.” But that’s not all his crazy! He called Michelle Obama fat! And then told the women newscasters who gave him the “don’t go there” stare  that they could all stand to lose a few pounds too. (Ms. Obama could crush his misogynistic pudding-head with one of her chiseled biceps, but whatever…)

He also thought Newt Gingrich’s serial cheating and three marriages made him more qualified to run for president.

“When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.”[20

Yes, politics aside, what really matters with our candidates is their fuckability. (So why aren’t you after Newt’s body-fat ratio, huh?)

Has that whetted your whistle for more bullshit, chumps? Because Ablow really delivers. Without further ado, the UBT:

In Beyonce’s one-hour visual album, “Lemonade,” which aired on HBO over the weekend and then was released for streaming on Tidal, the singer explores the theme of infidelity – a topic many theorize is autobiographical, given rumors of infidelity on the part of her husband, Jay Z.

If autobiographical, Beyonce would be telegraphing that, while she has stayed with her husband to date, future infidelity might not be tolerated. “You know I give you life, if you try this s—t again you’re gonna lose your wife,” she sings.

Why she’s tolerating the current infidelity is a mystery to the UBT. But yeah, imagine the chutzpah of a beautiful, talented, financially independent woman threatening to leave a cheater. Who does she think she is? Beyonce?

Maybe. But here’s the truth, from more than 20 years of practicing psychiatry: Marriages are more resilient than the lyrics of Beyonce’s album would suggest. Not infrequently, they survive repeated episodes of infidelity.

To the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left… so we can stay together in seething misery.

Here’s why: Marriages are made of much more than sex. The ones that last any real length of time are, in fact, stories that include richly textured early chapters, the momentum of tens of thousands of shared, mundane, everyday experiences, triangulated interpersonal connections with dozens or hundreds of people and the hope for shared joy and transcendence in the future.

Marriages with cheaters are made of much more than sex. There’s the richly textured gaslighting, the shared, mundane sexually transmitted diseases, and the momentum of tens of thousands of lies.

Why leave when there are triangulated interpersonal connections with dozens or hundreds of people you meet on Craigslist, or rest stop glory holes, or Facebook? Wouldn’t you like to share the joy and hope of transcendence that is reconciling with a cheater?

Given those profound ingredients,

Did I mention the Back Page hookups?

I believe that a spouse having sex with another partner is always — in and of itself — an irrational reason to bust up a marriage.

Did you have to paternity test your children? That’s such an irrational reason to break up! Silly goose!

After all, over time, sexual energy generally becomes one of the least reliable measures of the strength of a couple’s union.

That’s why it’s so important to indulge your ever-diminishing sexual energy on meaningless fuckfests.

That energy dissipates in a tortured, yet treasured, haze of shared laundry baskets, watching one another floss in the morning, listening to one another being petty and seeing one another being frightened and self-indulgent.

Laundry and flossing, Keith. You make it sound so sexy.

Does it really make sense to rip up the evolving tapestry of such a relationship only because a spouse has had intercourse with someone else? I don’t think so — ever.

It was ONLY intercourse! Did I have to lie to you a thousand times or spend money or risk your health to fuck other people? NO! That never happens!

Would you really RIP the EVOLVING TAPESTRY over THAT?

I mean, really, people need to get their priorities in order.

I mean, really, we should roll Esther Perel, Keith Ablow and every other cheater apologist into a giant, evolving tapestry — think of it as Satan’s burrito — and drop them in the nearest harbor.

Oh no, hang on, that was the UBT indulging in a daydream there. You know the UBT’s abilities to indulge in gruesome revenge fantasies are dissipating. Please don’t hold tortured, yet treasured thoughts of Keith Ablow slowly suffocating to death in a tapestry burrito against the UBT. Get your priorities in order. It was just a death wish.

I’m not without an ego, but I can tell you that after more than 20 years of my own marriage, I fully expect my wife to find decent-looking waiters distracting. And if one of them were distracting to the extreme, to the point of her having a tryst, I would hope never to learn of it.

Until I noticed one day that my son looks an awful lot like a decent-looking waiter of my acquaintance.

(Really? You’d fuck a WAITER? When you have the awesomeness of my PhD-ed, bald, fat self here? REALLY?)

But I certainly wouldn’t abandon her if I did learn of it. She and I have far bigger things to worry about — like the fact that we cherish having our son and daughter in bedrooms down the hall from ours, and the fact that we need to keep track of our ailing beagle’s medicines,

I would never divorce my wife for cuckolding me. There’s a SICK BEAGLE to worry about! Seriously, do you know how much those medicated ear drops cost?

and the fact that we still remember dicey moments from a nearly catastrophic year we lived through together, and the fact that we remember one time when we were really young and didn’t have a ton of money, but we adopted this dying cat who collapsed on our doorstep and cost us plenty of dough to keep alive.

She can’t divorce me for fucking around — HOW COULD SHE DO THAT TO SNOWBALL?!!

That’s the stuff of attachment —

Casually fucking other people? That’s the stuff of attachment too.

not the certainty that each spouse’s sexual passion has forever and will forever reside only in their marital union.

Just because I promise that “certainty” in front of all my friends and family, made a legally binding union with my wife, doesn’t mean it’s forever, kids!

The secret therapeutic weapon I deploy to keep together couples

I’m not in the least bit disturbed that I’m using weapon imagery to discuss keeping marriages together.

No, tell us Keith, what is your secret therapeutic weapon?

A 12-gage shotgun? An Esther Perel TED talk? Napalm?

who swear that infidelity has caused an irreparable rift goes like this. I will ask an aggrieved husband (for the purposes of this example), “So, given that you have learned your wife has had a lover, you are leaving her, for sure?”

“For sure,” such a man will often tell me.

Poor, benighted man with the self-respect there. Get over yourself!

“And, so,” I go on, “should your wife be stricken with cancer, you are fully prepared to have her boyfriend — not you — take her to the hospital for chemotherapy. Is that right? Maybe she’ll give you a call when the fatigue and nausea and horror of it all subside. Maybe.”

If your cheating wife gets cancer, can you have that on YOUR conscience? It’s YOUR JOB to care for her! You promised! Hey, just because she promised not to fuck other people doesn’t make YOUR promises null and void.

You think some fancy-ass waiter knows how to dress bandages or drive to cancer centers? Yeah, I don’t think so.

Occasionally, such a man will answer in the affirmative. He’s perfectly OK with that scenario. But far more often, such a man’s shoulders will slump with the unpredictable weight of life’s twists and turns and tragedies, and he will say, haltingly, “Well … no … I would not feel comfortable with that. I would want … I would need to be the person taking her for her treatment.”

Chump!

God, I love those conscience things you people have. I don’t have one, but it sure is useful to mindfuck you with yours.

“Well, then,” I will advise him, “you’re in a real jam. Because it seems that you love an imperfect person and that you really aren’t ready to leave her. Do you know what that makes you, and her, by the way?”

“No.”

“Human,” I say. “Welcome to the club.”

Chumps are super loving, all forgiving, and must nurse cheaters through cancer. Cheaters are merely occasionally “imperfect.” But what with sick beagles and flossing and all, you’re together. In this Human Club.

Okay, only one of you is actually in the Human Club. The other one is rolled up in a tapestry of fuckwits. But hey, stay together. Because sick beagles. By the way, you’re fat.

You’re welcome!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • How very apt that Ablow uses the tapestry metaphor, because we chumps had the rug pulled out from under us on D-day and let our cheaters treat us like doormats.

  • Makes one wonder if he is justifying that infidelity is a lousy reason to end a marriage because he has, in fact, been a lying, cheating POS spouse himself.

    • I thought so too. Either he’s a serial cheater, and this serves his agenda to be their apologist, or he has never been chumped.

      If so, instead of this rediculous advice, he should be throwing himself down on his knees to thank the Lord that he doesn’t have a fucking clue about anything he’s talking about!

    • That was my first thought…he’s a cheater. A narc to the core. What other type would use tee vee as a vehicle to trot out the twisted psycho-babble? See, honey, I said it on tv, you should NEVER use my infidelity to divorce me…why don’t you just go out and screw someone else YOURSELF…then we’ll be even-steven!!!

    • Thought the same thing — unless his wife is the serial cheater and he’s the chump. The biggest cheater apologists are usually either hardcore cheaters or hardcore chumps.

  • I will gladly let any one of my STBX-Kibbler’s new collection of ‘sex-positive’ friends — the creepy divorced writer who posts selfies and likes to visit transsexual escorts; the BDSM dom who gives her black eyes and chokes her, AND his live-in girlfriend; the chef who just recently had a baby AND his wife; the divorcing fisherman who runs a maple syrup business; the Harvard educated ‘life explorer’ — take her to the hospital when she gets cancer. Or wipe her ass when she gets Alzheimer’s, which she will if her mother is any indication.

  • Stupid is, as Stupid writes!!!! Sex is one of the most intimate acts! Even if emotions are not attached!! Saying it’s no big deal then the whole world should be humping around like Animals!!! IDIOT!! Oh and let me know how you feel when your wife has meaningless SEX with let’s say your best friend!!!

  • Ok I am going to tell you the details of why I stayed the “affair” was a BS emotional one sophomoric with lots of texting and sexting but no real contact. It was a year and a half and then the OW got smart when she realized he wasn’t leaving and dump him. I stayed with him for health ( his) and financial reasons. I know to CL these are not acceptable but they are mine. I like my house, I am 65 and frankly too lazy to go through all that. But it is no longer a marriage, we sleep separately (me the dog in my big king bed him in the quest room) we do little together. He has stopped drinking so the house is calmer. I not longer trust him or wear my wedding ring. Right now that is how it is ( 2 yrs post affair) Will it change? Might. no magic ball here to tell. The next big life transition is when he retires ( I already have) But I wanted to thank CL she got me through a very tough time allowed me to see things clearly and even if she would agree with this outcome she should know I do see things clearly

      • If you stay, you feel must you are better off with him than without him. We are here to keep you honest with your situation and give support if you choose to gain a life. You know the score and you are OK with it.

        I could have done the same thing. I would have shown my children that marriage between a man and a woman ends in separate bedrooms without intimacy.

        At the very least, I hope he treats you with the upmost respect in front of your children, family and friends. You deserve it.

    • I hope you feel like this is your decision to make and it doesn’t matter what anyone else (including CL or anyone on this site) thinks. This is your life, your deal breakers and your decision. I am sure CL and everyone else would say the same.

      Many leave, many stay. Sounds like you understand your situation, so you’re miles ahead of most people who stay or leave. Good for you.

    • mom3085, just keep working on gaining a life, no matter where you are living or who else occupies the house. If you’ve “separated” in turns of moving away from the hopium pipe and the pick-me dancing, you can get to work on building a happy life for yourself without worrying about saving the “marriage.” I’m 64–I get the later-in-life realities. But there is a lot of life out there to live! Wishing you happiness.

      • I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. My ex gave me high risk hpv. I found out because I needed to have a biopsy. It turns out I had very severe pre-cancerous cells, one step away from turning into actual cancer. I then needed to have one surgery to ablate (laser off) the bad cells. At the screening 6 months later, it was back again. I ended up needing to have a hysterectomy at age 31 to get rid of it. For the past four years, I’ve been pre-cancerous cell free. I’ll never know if my ex picked up hpv from one of his girlfriends before we met or from one of his mistresses while we were married. Still, I wonder if my staying for several years after the first dday could have caused this. It was very hard for me to do, but I’m glad I finally left. I don’t blame people that stay though. I just hope for the best for them.

    • Mom3085,

      It’s not about judging another chump for their choices, Once the truth becomes evident, it’s up to the individual to decide how to react to it. IMO what’s worse than a cheater is a professional using their credentials and recognized authority to shame or guilt someone into following their own agenda and beliefs. A psychiatrist who tells a man (or woman) who is suffering from the pains of betrayal that what he is feeling is not valid and to continue to accept his situation should have his license revoked. He’s the same as a medical doctor who prescribes pain pills to a junkie.

    • Mom,

      I am living the same life in a way and have been for 5 years. In fact, this May 10 Th is my d-day starting year 6.

      We were married for almost 30 yrs when hubby had an affair. We had a good marriage. Funny but we did. His cheating changed everything over night. We slept in separate room the very night I found out and have not been intimate since.
      I have zero desire to be in that place ever w him. It was a choice he made. We are civil to each other, share dinners out when he is around, ((job keeps him away)), we share things about our son. He still wants the marriage back, I knew the nomen the cheating was confirmed tat my marriage was over.

      I am a stay at home mom. I supported his job so we could have the family we wanted. I have not worked in 30 yrs. Depended on him completely, even more so now as I am almost 63. He is 64 . He must retire at 65.

      It’s been doable for several years, since we separated, but just of late, I have seen such a change, I have come so far that I can’t even remember being the women I was in my marriage, nor the women I was when I thought I was going to die thur all the hell I was living!

      I’ve read soooo much about women trying to renter life like we at this age, and I will say for myself, it’s one tough road, but I had to too, stay only separated from hubby, and probably only will l, until one of us finds someone else, … So hang in there, do as you need, cuz I am so told, once we get thur it, we come out remarkable women !

      • Here’s my take weather your single divorced or married you better always take care of your own ASS..ets…..your health and wealth …u are responsible for …married if he dies where do I stand…if we get divorced where do I stand $….if I never marry…where do I stand $…..sorry but $$$$ help a lot……..a lot of power behind $ kick a low lifes ass out !!!!

  • This kind of publicly available crap should eventually help his lawyer wife get an excellent divorce settlement.

    • She’s a lawyer.

      Interesting that his cheating examples are HER cheating with some (non-threatening? lowly?) waiter. He would be magnanimous! He would take her back! He would nurse her through cancer!

      When really, my opinion is that HE is “telegraphing” that he’s a cheat, she should be magnanimous, and she should nurse him whenever he becomes sick and vulnerable.

      Projection much, Shrinkface?

      • Totally. And his smug way of making his point reveals his favorite gaslighting technique – if I make you feel stupid, I will sound smart! 🙂

      • My thoughts exactly. And he says he’s “not without an ego.” Do you think? What he doesn’t say is that it would be okay if his wife had an affair with a younger, healthier, better looking, well-educated, wealthy man. In his world, I’m sure either such a man doesn’t exist or his wife could never find someone better than him.

          • LAJ–
            ……and ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’…..I actually had that tossed at me several times. He thought it was ‘cute’.

            I remember one time we were in the kitchen and I was unloading the dishwasher, putting a LARGE carving knife in its block.

            Believe me, it took a lot of control not to make use of it…….He never said it again.

            • I have had it said to me by my own sister that “ignorance is bliss” and “what I don’t know won’t hurt me”. I could not let it pass and told her that had I know that my then husband had sex with a prostitute in Cambodia and then with me and had he told me, I would never have let him near me. Imagine my horror after only ever having had sex with my husband that at the grand age of 60 I had to be tested for everything. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me and the ex said I was carrying on and that he was not obliged to give me that information. How he is alive today is only through damn good luck because I wanted to kill the rat.

              • And the world would have been better off without him, Maree. But I’ve heard prison isn’t much fun, so good for you, controlling your (perfectly natural) urges!

        • At anne : maybe just newt Gingrich. Ha! Which is so hilarious and gross. Maybe that’s “his” friend. Also, good one about the cake!!

          • Thanks. Today I’ve been married 28 years. I was hoping the divorce would be final by now, but it can’t be to much longer. I didn’t know how I would handle today, but I opened up Chump Lady this morning and read the cartoon and burst out laughing. It’s how I feel, EXACTLY! Thanks Chump Lady!

      • Speaking of magnanimous:

        My 22 year relationship was dissolved in an email from MoFaux in which he said, “If you had an affair I would have been shocked because I wouldn’t expect that from you without first discussing the completion of out time together, the situation that you are dealing with now in reverse. Then I would think to myself, I will always love this woman and want her to be happy and I would give you my blessing and hope that we could still be friends.”

        • It’s almost as if the good doctor knows his double life as a cheater is about to be revealed, and he’s doing damage control in advance of the revelation. This way he can point to this magnanimous interview to coerce his chumpy wife to keep him. And change his diapers….

        • Yeah, I, too, got the “I wouldn’t have cared if you had had an affair.” In fact, he tried to talk me into one after D-day so that I would be more likely to forgive him. Threw him out and got some new dogs instead.

        • I was going to say that I can’t believe someone would send such as idiotic email, but I’ve been reading this site and should know better. He’s a putz.

      • Her catching him cheating won’t be the problem, it’ll be that she snooped and didn’t allow him to keep his secret.

      • Interesting that his cheating examples are HER cheating with some (non-threatening? lowly?) waiter.

        He also probably thinks in a past life he was somebody fabulous! Napoleon! George Washington! Or… Dare I say… Freud himself!

        Not some Joe Schmoe who plowed fields, chipped at rocks, inserted bolts on a assembly line, or waited on people.

  • >I believe that a spouse having sex with another partner is ALWAYS — in and of itself — an irrational reason to bust up a marriage.

    >Does it really make sense to rip up the evolving tapestry of such a relationship only because a spouse has had intercourse with someone else? I don’t think so — EVER.

    A shrink who speaks in “absolutes” …. WTF!!??

    • Yeah, and one should only break up a marriage for purely rational reasons. Pesky emotions always getting in the way, sheesh.

    • I don’t know how many times cheating actually involves JUST intercourse with other people. I’ve heard many stories where cheating involves taking family finances for the mistress and disrespecting the current spouse. Not to mention the threat of STDs. I think cheating shows deeper problems in the cheater and a level of selfishness that would be hard to tolerate even without their cheating.

        • That pretty much makes my day (which to be honest has been pretty sad and bleak so thanks for the chuckle). Hilarious.

          • Although looking at his mug face what comes to mind is cake. I bet he LOVES being mentioned in your article. Loves the attention bc to any narc, any attention = good. But I hope he ticks the wrong person off and gets fired.

    • I skipped the article because I didn’t think I could stand to suffer this moron’s ignorance. I read some of the comments instead. While most of them disagreed with him, it was their little additional nuggets of wisdom (insert sarcastic sneer here) that had me remembering CL’s cartoon from Wednesday, “It just takes me a minute to process so much stupid all at once.” When I say “Holy Crap” it’s not a euphemism.

    • Wow, I just went over there and read the comments. NOBODY agrees with the “Doc” on this one. Kinda restored my faith in humanity a little bit!

  • My question is why get married to a partner who thinks they are in a monogamous relationship only to find out later that they are not? That’s simply taking advantage of them and then expecting them to accept your way of thinking. Hmmm….sounds like a sociopath.

    • Infidelity is fraud, pure and simple, and the only kind of fraud that therapists and some members of the public seem to think is justified.

      • And “Dr” Keith believes that men should be able to “veto” women’s abortions…dude is seriously fucked up.

        • Amazing! He doesn’t think a spouse should veto the other spouse’s sex partners, but a husband should veto a wife’s reproductive choices and the nail polish choices of children.

          I do not know how anyone could possibly read his philosophy as anything other than a manifesto of his own desire to cheat at will on his wife.

          • I don’t know how anyone could read his stuff and not wonder how he got through medical school. He’s an f’ing idiot.

            • Can we petition Johns Hopkins to take it back? He’s probably a cheater so I bet he did so during medical school.

              • There’s that old joke . . . what do you call the person who graduated last in their class at medical school? Doctor. That’s the only explanation I can come up with for how this wackadoo managed to graduate from Johns Hopkins.

    • “assaults on genuine emotion and genuine relationships and actual consequences for behavior—almost nothing is now honored as real and true”

      I consider my ex cheating and then abandoning me with ALL the bills and responsibilities to move into Schmoopie’s house as an assault on my emotions and marriage vows.

      If felt he should have honored our marriage as real and true. But hey here’s a professional who can show us what’s waaaaaay more important.

      Lucky us.

    • Here’s this so-called Doctor’s idea for Transgender children- Ablow proposed injecting Transgender children with hormones corresponding to the gender assigned at birth to ‘go with nature’ and make them ‘feel more comfortable’
      Hmmm. So how they want to be doesn’t matter. Just inject them, so they’ll step up to the gender ‘assigned’. How would he like some injections? This guy’s kind of crazy, also he likes to examine people like Scott Peterson, and Casey Anthony, and wrote books about them( I hate even thinking about those two evil things). He’s out there!

  • Oh fuck this!

    If ex gets cancer (more like when due to his extremely poor lifestyle choices, eating habits and general unhealthiness), the love of his life whom he couldn’t get out of his heart can drive his unwell ass to and from his chemo appointments. Or since she’ll probably be getting treated for cirrhosis, he can fucking drive himself.
    Maybe they can get side by side treatment chairs since they’re so meant for each other. How sweet.

    And if I get sick? Well that’s what Uber’s for and I’d rather ride with a stranger than lean on him for anything. Older daughter and I have already had that talk. I’ve told her about my life insurance, that I’m making a will in the next few months and that if a worst case scenario ever arises and I’m in hospital in a life or death situation, that man is never to set foot near me ever again. Even if I die, I don’t want him anywhere near my services. She agreed to honor that request.
    In fact, I’m putting off some significant surgery I need specifically until the baby’s older so I can care for myself without much assistance because I don’t want him even thinking of waltzing back over to “help.”

    However, when he dies, I can’t guarantee I won’t be chugging some coffee then making a little side trip to where ever he’s buried. 😉

    This is especially stinky bullshit indeed. So you nursed a sick cat together? Fuck that. We had premature babies together, one of whom nearly died, and that wasn’t enough to keep ex from leading a double life and leaving those same kids for her. Again I say… Fuck. Thatb.

    • Cakeless, I’m right there with you.

      Ex talked me into taking him for an outpatient procedure during wreckconciliation. In the car outside the hospital, he started crying and I thought he was having a revelation about what he had done to me. Silly chump me! He was afraid his little outpatient procedure might go wrong and I would pull the plug on him – seriously!

      Yep, he can take care of himself or have one of his many women deal with his crap. I want nothing to do with him and I want him as far away from me as possible. Like you, I’ll take care of myself and I know how to use Uber. Sadly, his family is several states away so I’m sure he will con our daughter into taking care of him.

      But you did give me a great idea – I’m going to add a note with my will that specifically says I do not want him at my funeral. I can’t guarantee that it will be honored but it will be there anyway.

      • I did two things immediately after Fucktard left. I opened a personal bank account that he could not access AND I called my doctor’s office (primary, OBGYN, dentist) and took him off as my next-of-kin for everything. I told my sisters that I pictured myself in hospital. He and the doctor are standing over me and this is how the conversation would go:

        Fucktard, “Doctor, I love my wife and I don’t want her to suffer. You have my permission to pull the plug.”
        Doctor, “But sir, she just sprained her ankle.”

        • Wow was the ex pissed when I switched my life insurance so my mom was the beneficiary (on behalf of my children), rather than him because I don’t trust him to spend the money for the kids’ benefit in case of my untimely demise. So angry, in fact, that I was a slight bit worried about what he might have been planning.

        • Anne, I was so blind sided and didn’t know what was going on that when I first made a new Will and POA I still had my husband as my Executor because I was just plain old dumb. After the pain started to subside a little I saw the rat for who he truly is and he was removed quicker than you could say, ‘divorce’. I have made my solicitor my emergency contact as that leaves my friends out of it. I love your final comment – Fucktard, “Doctor, I love my wife and I don’t want her to suffer. You have my permission to pull the plug.” Doctor, “But sir, she just sprained her ankle.” My ex would do exactly that and he did comment close to the end of our marriage that he wished I was dead. He wasn’t brave enough to carry out anything and I responded “you can’t kill weeds”. Crickets …… !

    • CakelessinKalamazoo, I would suggest that you make a Will as soon as possible. I made a Will as soon as I bought my apartment and left my old life behind. Two years later I reverted back to my maiden name and redid all the paperwork. It was costly but necessary. I have left a specific list of instructions with my Will and my solicitor has the original for safe keeping and I have copies of everything. One of my instructions if I should pass before my ex is that he is never to be told and neither are my 2 children. The kids took the ex and his prostitute 23 year old girlfriend’s side, so they would all dance on my grave. I don’t need for them to have any more joy at my expense than they have already had.

    • For those of you with minor children, strongly consider a Revocable Trust instead of a will, and make the Revocable Trust your beneficiary on life insurance, etc. It’s more expensive, but it guarantees that if something happens to you, the money goes into a trust for your children. The trustee can dish out funds as needed for living expenses, education, etc., and then the children can get the remaining amount when they turn 18 (or I specified age 30).

      If you have a standard will, and make your minor kids the beneficiaries on life insurance, it’s likely that the cheater spouse will end up with custody of the children and will have control of all life insurance $$.

      • Yup. You can create a trust in the will document. Mine says that if I die before my kids are 25, my mom administers the estate. If she’s not available, my dad is next. If neither is available, my younger cousin is the administrator. No funds to ex so he can squander them on his harem and his stupid financial decisions. He’s overloaded with debt and I’m clear except for a very affordable mortgage. Divorce was worth it for that alone.

    • Oh, Cakeless, your reply today was pure gold. In the grand scheme of things, barring an accident, Lying Disordered Ex will likely die before I do, since he’s had shitty health for decades. Chugging coffee before seeing where he’s buried is a great idea!! I’ll be laughing all day at that one. I definitely will never be driving his sick, sorry ass to any medical appointments, and I doubt our adult children will either.

      • You guys are very mean. If it were a life threatening emergency, like chest pains, and he didn’t want to call an ambulance I would pick up Fucktard and take him to the emergency room. Did I mention that I have no sense of direction and tend to get lost a lot? Of course he always bitched because I never had a full take of gas, so I would have to stop for gas. While I was at the station I would have to buy a few lottery tickets, the crossword ones that take a very long time to complete. I might as well get something to eat of the way there. There’s usually a long wait at hospitals so I would thoughtfully pick him up some Big Macs and greasy fries and then I would……..hey, I’d take him to Johns Hpokins. How far is that from Western New York anyway?

  • Just a conformation on one of my long held beliefs. The majority of psychiatrist are just really fucked up people. I couldn’t even read all the bs. I thought my head was going to explode! Hope he has a spouse that continually fucks around on him that gets cancer that he sees her through so that she can leave him for a bad boy in the end. ASSHOLE!

    • As we read this particular psychiatrist’s words, we could rationally conclude he is ‘fucked up’. CL and so many chumps have identified his errors in thinking. The linguists here can correct me, but his “I’m not without an ego” bothered me as much as his pomposity. The user of double negatives suggests to me someone who believes that 2 wrongs make a right. I hope that he can’t get no satisfaction out of his career with American network television.

    • He’s a psychiatrist that thinks the sum total of emotions involved is that there was sex with someone else, period. That perhaps the only consequence for the chump is sexual jealousy. As we all know, that is so far down on the list of why this sucks that it doesn’t even register.

  • Exactly! With cheating comes lying, gaslighting, devaluing, health risks, general mindfuckery etc. So no, it’s not okay. You want to fuck around? Tell the truth and get out of the relationship. The problem is people don’t want to give up the person who will drive them to chemo – even though they want to fuck someone else. CAKE!
    Give me a break.

  • And if the chump should require cancer treatments? Ugh, get a taxi, your needs are such a buzzkill, chump! That attachment thing is usually a one-way street.

    Also, it’s no coincidence that when he mentioned the possibility of his wife cheating, it was with a waiter, someone FAR below his intellectual caliber who could not possibly threaten his self worth (or so he imagines). This nincompoop tries to make himself seem morally superior with a scenario that he’s comfortable with. The problem is that cheaters don’t give their spouses the courtesy of doing what their spouse is comfortable with. No, part of their objective is power and control, and those can only be achieved outside of the chump’s boundaries.

    • Exactly. If the spouse was open and honest about the cheating, the other spouse could simply make choices. It doesn’t make infidelity OK, but it DOES create a space for choices for both parties.

      The sneaking is exciting in and of itself, and that is abusive. There’s no twisting it around. Basing a relationship on lies is abusive. Cheating is called cheating because it’s deceptive and deception is sinister.

  • When my STBX almost cut his thumb off with a circular saw, I was the one that rushed him to the hospital, changed his dressings daily, and kept his ice packs filled. I later learned that he had been setting up more “appointments” with hookers during that time also…. Would I had rather had one of his whores drive him to the hospital ? A resounding fucking yes!! I would have tossed him his phone and told him to call a hooker with his good hand.

      • It did…but unfortunately for him it was his right hand, so I can only imagine the frustration he endured for months. 😉

    • Or he could just stick his thumb out at hitch a ride. No wait, that wouldn’t work. I guess he’d just have to stay home twiddling his thumb.

  • Shameless the way Keith just happens to mention how much he wuvs small, helpless animals. What a great guy, right? He has such a big, teddy bear- heart! Don’t you just swoon for him?

    Narc image-control. *puke*

  • The thing that these fuck wits never get is that as long as you are shopping around for the next new thing, you will never appreciate the good things you already have.

    The new cheater fuck is always a downgrade, because they are cheaters who fuck people in committed relationships and lie.

    If you take the options for other “relationships” off the table while in a relationship , your marriage will improve dramatically based on that one principle alone. So the cheating is good shit this guy is spouting is totally false and harmful.

    • Applause Anita! I agree with you 100%. Cheaters are always trying to find love, when the rest of us try to love the one we found. Being grateful for what you have is a true gift.

  • I just LOVE this CL!!! LMAO! “If your cheating wife gets cancer, can you have that on YOUR conscience? It’s YOUR JOB to care for her! You promised! Hey, just because she promised not to fuck other people doesn’t make YOUR promises null and void”.

    Their promises don’t count….only ours must! That ‘human’ is a joke!!

  • In regards to the “what if they get cancer” line…before deciding to leave my ex, I nursed him through a very serious health incident. He counted on me to be a good little chump and do impression management on his behalf. However, his human mask slipped off completely during that time, and I ended up divorcing him after finally seeing him for what he was. Next time he ends up hospitalized, it sure as shit won’t be me tending to him! No regrets there.

    • And where will that Cheater be if his spouse gets cancer, instead of his own sad sausage self? Have brunch with some Schmoopie.

      • Exactly. I went through numerous health issues of my own, and he did just enough for me so he didn’t look like a total jerk to my family. If I were the one to get the hypothetical cancer, his only concern would be about his kibble supply.

        • I did get cancer after I was gone and have never once questioned that had I stayed I would have died. Being able to look after my health without a shithead telling me I was whining and self-indulgent saved my life. Imagine coming home from chemo and being kicked or howled at until you get up to make dinner. That happened with pneumonia, so how would cancer be different?

    • My stbx was always sick and had numerous surgeries, the last a three level neck fusion. During the surgery, when he was being kept asleep in order to prevent him from moving, I checked his cell phone for business messages. He changed the lock code!!! My son and I looked at each other, having been down this road before. When the stbx was coming to, I asked him why he did that. Half groggy, half asleep, he still managed to lie- he said he was doing business with a company that was slow in paying him and he didn’t want me to be upset. BUT you guessed it- he was cheating again with schmoopie dicklips. After, when he was recovering at home for 12 weeks while I went to work everyday, he said he started up with her again because he was bored while I was working. This turned out to be another lie, because my son looked at the cell phone records and they were in touch at least a year prior to the surgery. I have asked this before: WHO CHEATS AFTER HAVING A THREE LEVEL NECK FUSION? I was there for every single one of his many health issues and he was NEVER there for me. It got him angry when I was sick and had cancer, and he denied that it was really cancer (huh?).

  • Well, if God ended His “marriage” to Israel over cheating (Jer. 3:8), I would say cheating is a solid reason for ending a human marriage. But the Dr. Ablow seems to think he is marriage advice god…ergo, God’s view on the matter (and that includes more than one major religious view) doesn’t matter to him. Sickening.

    • Agreed DM, not only that it doesn’t matter to him, he didn’t even try to acknowledge the “other views.”

    • Guilt was the main reason I stayed. He was a sad sausage who had a bad childhood! I promised in sickness and in health! And so on.

      Of course, the narc didn’t feel guilt. He didn’t think about me much at all. At the very end of our marriage, he even admitted that he only cared about how useful I was to him and expected me to be fine with that.

      Chumps don’t need another so-called professional laying on the guilt trip. We get enough of that from the cheater and ourselves.

        • What kind a psychiatrist guilts his patients into staying in a unhealthy situation? This guy if f’ing sick! I can’t believe that article.

          20 years of experience and he doesn’t mention one true dynamic of the fabric of a healthy relationship or of true intimacy and pulls the “it’s only sex and nothing more, get over it already” argument. That point of view is patently false, proven time and time again. Affairs are much, much more than sex. Cheaters invest huge, significant portions of their energy, time, money, emotions, sex, romance, connection, hopes, dreams in something 100% external to the spouse, 100% external to the children, 100% external to the family, to something that is destructive and destabilizing to the marriage and family. It’s a million times more than a pee pee accidentally, mistakenly, one time falling into a vagina, dumbshit Doctor. Repulsive.

          Narcissist. Sociopath.

          Suffering unnecessarily, unjustifiably as the victim of a controlling, abusive, lying, stealing, selfish cheater is not just ‘being human.”

          I wonder how he treats traumatized survivors of crime, rape, incest, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, domestic abuse?

          He seems to subscribe to the theory that undiscovered affairs make no sound or incur any cost, therefore what’s the big deal. I think this blog refutes that theory quite nicely. Infidelity affects the entire fabric of the marriage: the kids, the parenting, the finances, the time, the connection, the intimacy, the honesty, the trust, the connection, the love, the integrity, the past, the future, the present.

          Ugh!! Anger arises – and that is OK.

          • “Infidelity affects the entire fabric of the marriage: the kids, the parenting, the finances, the time, the connection, the intimacy, the honesty, the trust, the connection, the love, the integrity, the past, the future, the present.”

            This! Sadly, I think few people truly understand that the sex portion is just a drop in the bucket of issues that infidelity causes.

          • Personally, “just sex” is more than fucking enough reason to divorce for me. Even being in some damn whore’s apartment alone, hiding it, and lying about it is more than enough reason to divorce for me. Even attempting to screw a whore is more than enough for me.

            • Yeah. Hey, Keith!

              You’re already a cuck if you’d forgive your wife a one-night-stand. Punk-ass.

  • Is this guy a real psychiatrist? I mean a REAL one who went to school and took classes and actually got a degree and stuff? Holy crap!

  • I had cancer and a cheating wasband. I can assure you they don’t want to be there to help. Me being compromised gave him additional time for Schmoopie which was a bonus, however, he was very irritated by the attention and care I received from others. In his words “you’re not actually dying, why all the fuss?” When I discovered his affair and he realized how bad it was going to look that he was cheating during his wife’s cancer treatment he simply started telling people I didn’t have “real” cancer. WTF???

    • This is why I love chumplady and chump nation, over and over again I see what they are really like through your stories, imagine if we only had dr Keith fuckwit to listen to

    • Wow, Sweatpants, my situation exactly. He said he didn’t take it seriously because the cardiothoracic surgeon say it wasn’t really cancer. The surgeon said: “your husband is an asshole”.

    • A cheaters perspective on what is and is not real is usually based on what makes them either happy or uncomfortable in the moment. Schmoopie love? It’s REAL, don’t you know? But a medical diagnosis, pfffft!

    • Not Real Cancer = you were making it up for sympathy? That man does not deserve the air to speak that.

      • I learned a couple of years after high school that the girl whose grades nudged me from valedictorian to salutatorian was not actually able to achieve the grades she got on her own. Her parents were well known among staff as threatening and unyielding and they bullied the administration into forcing her teachers to change her grades on a regular basis. (I learned this because I overheard a few after-hours conversations amongst my former teachers a few years after I graduated when I became part of an activity that was held in the school building.)

        I also graduated college with a young man who couldn’t read or write. He worked for me for awhile – reliable, hardworking, positive, a great employee – but he was completely illiterate, and this was before learning disabilities had proper accommodations in educational environments. (And it is not lost on me that his ability to go to great lengths to deceive others throughout his life is a small thing.)

        So, I agree with CL. Graduation from an impressive institution does not mean a person has talent or skill or, really, anything.

      • Well, garym6059 and CL, maybe he didn’t get his PhD at a discount store, but he got his character there, from the clearance bin marked “99% off, last chance, must sell!”

      • Can I get an Amen?! My Oxford-educated, top physics score in the UK when he graduated, Ph.D., world famous academic cheater is a characterless sociopath (need I add POS?).

        • Hannibal Lecher had the top physics score in the UK, eh? I guess that’s why he got the “insert peg A into slot B” thing down pat. (Or is that engineering?) Anyway, he should know that gravity will catch up to him pretty soon.

        • Amen.

          Match Girl was at the top of her chemistry PhD program. She works (worked?) at Johns Hopkins.

          The “smarter” they are, the more they have to twist their betrayals around in their mind to have any chance of sleeping at night.

          Of course, nothing soothes the pain of all of those upheavals like a nice orgasm with a relative stranger.

        • My Fucktard ex was a national treasure; a clinical psychologist with a Ph.D from UCLA. A Division Chair at USC. Had federal research grants up the butt for decades, A member of the National Academy of Science. On the boards of NIDA and NIH and many, many peer reviewed journals. Interviewed 50 times in one week for publication in national newspapers. And he fucked his students, my best friend, and went after my sister.

          Do I care that he died alone, unemployed, unlicensed, and in shame? No. I caused none of those consequences. I was long gone before his final spiral into infamy. I’d propped up that sagging fence for 16 years, and if it fell afterwards, it wasn’t on me.

      • One more data point showing that education is helpful, but does not guarantee the development of intelligent and ethical human beings…

      • Haha my STBX with a master’s degree says this about himself. In that “fake humble” sort of way he hopes will make everyone stroke his ego (and etc….).

  • He is a cheater. No question. They always minimise it. I loved that other quote ” I would un- plug his life support in order to charge my phone”. I would also dance on his grave. I certainly will NEVER be driving him to chemo appts! ( hurry up God, where are they???)

    This so called psychiatrist is a danger to society. It also shows he has zero experience of being cheated on himself.

  • If infidelity is a lousy reason for leaving, somebody please tell me what are the Valid reasons for leaving/ending a marriage?

    • If infidelity is a bad excuse to leave a marriage?! Then I guess it’s more acceptable to marry and divorce like they do in Hollywood !! At a whim!!! Silly us for taking Our Vows way too seriously!!

  • The disordered are everywhere. Just another disordered trying to say it is okay to not have any character. Another disordered trying to say it is okay to be dishonest, lie, cheat, steal with no consequence that is it only being human.

    Another disordered trying to make sense of his disorderedness.

  • “Should your “cheater” get stricken with cancer…” line is priceless. Let’s see my cheating turd never drove me to one chemo appointment and didn’t bat an eye. Cold as ice. He could care less and was probably hoping I wouldn’t make it. And he’s a doctor! This shrink thinks someone can break marriage vows and still actually care about you? No they don’t give a rat’s ass about you.

    Thank goodness I had true friend’s and family drive me and sit with me during those visits. In hindsight there isn’t much to miss!

    • tahitibiound, I was gone before I got cancer (I’m fine now), but I knew when I got the news that It would have been worse if I wasn’t. If you didn’t matter before, you certainly aren’t going to matter when your life could be at stake. Another reason not to miss the POS, EVER.

  • I would LOVE to bring grad-whore back from the affair cemetery, and make her change the diapers and vomit pails of cancer-ridden Hannibal, so she could obtain all the benefits of fucking someone 34 years older than she was.

    • Tempest, Hannibal could well go looking for her again. Lots of those pigs do go Hoovering because it’s easier than starting from scratch to groom new prospects. And they are basically lazy asses,

  • Saddam threatened to destroy me when I refused to rescind my PO after the gun incident. I have recordings of some really awful crap from that time, it certainly helped me see him 100% clearly. The only way I would willingly see him again is at his funeral. And only then because I’d want to make sure he was *really* dead!

    Saddam checked himself into the hospital shortly after my PO went into effect, called me saying he’d had a heart attack again and might be dying, he loved me, please come. I told him to stop calling me, he was violating the PO and hung up. His brother told me Saddam was released the same day, they couldn’t find anything….

    Many months later Saddam was helicoptered from a crap hospital to the best hospital due to serious heart issue for real (using my insurance). His mother called and said he really wanted to see me, he was scared he wouldn’t make it out of surgery, he was begging, he loved me… I told her I wasn’t interested but do let me know if he dies so I can attend his funeral.

    Fucked up people will do anything to suck you back in. So gee “Dr” Keith, if you asked me your last question the answer would be something like “well, at least he might die, too bad it couldn’t be in a fire”.

  • I can sleep soundly at night knowing that my ex will be cared for (or not) by his OW should he be stricken with cancer or whatever disease happens upon him! Not that I’m wishing it on him or anything. Wink Wink!

    This guy is so much more evolved than me, the chump, and I am quite alright admitting my faults and inability to accept triangulated interpersonal connections!? Whatever that really means.

    So glad I won’t be the one changing my ex’s shitty diapers in our old age!

  • Well here’s an example of a Celebrity Chump living the ‘I’m bigger than infidelity’ life.
    Paul Young is still married to his wife after her two affairs. And a ‘love child’- a description which may masquerade as care for the child but is really part of the cheater appropriation of the language and meaning of love. He’s just so accepting, forgiving, understanding….

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3564751/Pop-s-forgiving-dad-Paul-Young-past-raise-wife-s-love-child-own.

    The real problem and danger of this chump role modelling along with Dr Ablow’s ‘advice’ is it makes us chumps feel it’s us that gives up on our marriages, rather than our spouses and their actions. Even though I know this is not true, I sometimes feel it, and my XH’s words that ‘ I just couldn’t handle him’- as though I was inadequate can sometimes still taunt and haunt me. It’s why, even though I’m divorced and mostly meh, I still check in at CL to hear the counter argument. That leaving a cheater and getting a new life is OK.

    • The cheater ended the marriage the second their privates invaded/were invaded by another. We simply signed the death warrant.

    • I can’t go on bein’ the same chump,
      ‘Cause baby, can’tcha see, we had everything till you turned into a shi-i-it,

      Every time you go, away, you take your STD, with you-ou-ou
      Next time that you go, away, I’m gonna change the lock, on you-ou-ou-ou!

    • Wow, so Paul Young is living the RIC dream. If you are nice enough and work in the business of your cheating spouse and new squeeze sometimes they come back -after years when the new life implodes – they finally see your worth! Oh, and raise the new kid as your own, Umkay? Shouldn’t I be cheering for him when instead I just feel sad? Paul, you could do better if you weren’t blinded by the fact “she’s a model”

  • Hey, all. I just got notice from Amazon that Tracy’s book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” just shipped and will be delivered tomorrow, April 30. Anyone going to the book signing in May?

  • My ex cheated on me with and left me for somebody who makes a lot less than I do. She’s a paramedic but “works”as a phlebotomist making like $12 an hour. She’s not able to work full time because she needs to be off to take care of the (wait for it) three kids my ex is now at least partially supporting. My ex will be husband #4……every ex has been a financial trade up.
    It didn’t sting any less that his affair partner was beneath me, it might of actually left me less confused if she had her shit together. It kind of left me scratching my head in a “wtf?? Her??.” kind of way.
    I don’t think it matters to him if she’s accomplished, I think it just matters that she’s 10 years younger, totally obedient, and willing to fuck him in the park behind my house.

    • Yes, “Pammie” is also 10 years younger, totally obedient and willing to meet wasband in the McDonalds parking lot and Motel 6 to do whatthefuckever. Oh and he tells our kids that he’s 10 years younger than he really is.

      • Once the AP feels some level of security in the relationship, I’m sure the fucking will be the first to go. Then they’ll both be on the prowl for the next true, hot thing.

    • “She’s a paramedic but “works” as a phlebotomist…”

      Too bad she doesn’t work as a lobotomist and could remove the cheating part of your ex’s brain.

              • Sadly I can’t sew. My skill sets include shooting, axe wielding, hole digging, hand-to-combat, operating a chop saw and circular saw and sarcasm. I took home economics in high school and tried making a summer dress. It wasn’t pretty so I tied knots in it and played with the dogs.

              • Ian Diabalo – You have me rolling off my deck and my dogs are wondering why I’m laughing so hard. Took me awhile to count all eleven! bwahaha

                ‘Why stop at three? Sew all 11 up.’

              • Popcorn, sewing, chump dancing? If laughter is the best medicine I’m going to be mentally healthy in no time. You guys are honest, supportive and so damn funny my sides are hurting.

              • 1. Mouth
                2. Nostril
                3. Nostril
                4. Ear
                5. Ear
                6. Eye
                7. Eye
                8. Navel
                9. Anus
                10. Vagina
                11. Urethra

                I have boy parts, but I think I got them all.

                You’re gonna need a bigger needle, Sketchyokgirl.

              • I got them ALL! except the Uretha? What the hell is that on a woman or is that a another hole I’ve never explored? lol – this is cracking me up. I mean, I’m old enough to know my openings but have no idea where access to the Uretha is!! I believe males have the same number of holes?

              • SheChump: Google it! The urethra is separate from the vaginal opening but near it. Women have one more hole than men (assuming the standard genital setup).

              • oh wow, MsChumple – I need to go google this.. Thanks. Didn’t realize a Uretha hole could be penetrated?

            • Hey, Shechump. Don’t feel bad. You’ve undoubtedly not spent as much time as I have with your face in a pussy.

              • Uh, Ian. Actually – I don’t even think I’ve actually looked at my own since I was 16. It really took me a long time to figure out the 10 holes.

              • AtPiece – You totally CRACK ME UP! #rimshot. Like that for some reason. bwahaha.

              • Oh, and I immediately figured out to sew the mouth shut first!
                That’s the order I’d do that in.
                Then the ass – I’ve really thought how I could close that up.
                Everything is on youtube!
                Need to learn how to sew..

    • They do it in the park behind your house? LOL Like a couple of stray dogs? Dont they have a house or a vehicle? Dang. Buy and extra long watering hose for the next time you see the humping dogs. They need to be hosed down.

      • PERFECT! “Officer I heard a bunch of dogs humping and snarling and growling and went outside to hose them down, And DAMN, it was my own husband!”

      • Hey at least it wasn’t in the (marriage) bed and the bed at the cottage…and the one at our place in Florida. . Good god he was like a dog marking his territory!

        • You know sad lady I keep thinking about this. Determinedly having intercourse in all your houses. That’s weird. You’re not the boss of me. The crazier part is that really they allow others to control them completely. I’m so sorry that he’s so crazy.

          • SadLady – Painfully, I know what you went through. I had my entire house raped by their sex. My bed, guest beds, hot tub, lap-pool -where I found her hair-, our so-personal motorhome we spent umpteen miles in and saw the country. He fucked her there most of the time. (I knew because I would never make the bed like she did) Loved the new hot sports-car he bought, which we went traveling in all the time. Did I mention, she even landscaped some of my yard! Really. Nobody would believe it if wrote a book on some of the things they did in those 3-1/2 yrs. Boy, were they getting away with a lot! Genius’.

            Now he lives in that m/h full time and I hit Meh last Tuesday – honestly.
            You know when it hits. You just KNOW.
            Have faith, Chumps.

  • Interesting that he’s advocating cheating instead of open marriages, where everyone involved agrees to boundaries of the relationships. He’s savoring the lying and the manipulation and the betrayal.

    • Exactly! They love it. They hide behind politeness and keeping up appearances but really they just get off on the idea that they’ve pulled a fast one on someone who’s dedicated their life to them.

  • Would I be ok if Harley drove the STBX to the hospital for cancer treatment? Hell yes I would! *I’m* certainly not doing it. I’ll do you one better. If STBX died before the divorce is final she would have free reign to plan his funeral. I wouldn’t be handing over any of the life insurance so she’d have to do it on her own dime but she could plan the hell out of that thing. I’m not celebrating his life. In fact, he continued to live here for six months after DDay. For six months he left pretty much every weekend and drove six hours one way to go fuck his whore. Lots of mountains on that drive. Had I received a knock on the door by a state trooper informing me of his tragic death I was 50/50 on whether or not I would even bother with claiming his body.

  • What a Quack! Again CL your UBT nailed it.

    On another note, I got a notice that my book has been shipped!!!!!!!!!

  • Geez, so if your business partner embezzles money from you, that would also be an irrational reason to break up a good business partnership?

    Why is sex always treated like a meaningless transaction?

    Yes – Marriages are made of much more than sex. But key ingredients are respect and trust.

    I can’t believe he is a real therapist!! What a load of ‘bullocks’!

  • If you ask just about any person in society or any practicing psychologists/therapists if a spouse should endure physical abuse, I would imagine that the majority would say no you should not. Not even a debate. You have visible wounds on your face and body – you must leave, your safety and emotional well-being comes first.

    On the flip side, it really irks me that some of society and some of practicing psychologists/therapists feel that you should endure this type of emotional abuse (cheating). You might not have visible wounds on your face and body but shall I show you my heavily and permanently disfigured heart and soul? Why doesn’t my safety and emotional well-being come first here?

    • Especially ironic given the psychologists are those who instead of studying visible wounds, are experts at the invisible wounds of the mind, heart and soul.

      This guy is a quack.

  • THIS: “Just because I promise that “certainty” in front of all my friends and family, made a legally binding union with my wife, doesn’t mean it’s forever, kids!”

    Somedays, this is where I get stuck on the mental jungle gym. I was 36, single (never married), no kids, financially secure (own home), good job… then I met Mr. Sparkles and fell in love… like I never felt before.

    I was so shine-blind that I looked past his two failed relationships (one of them a marriage) and 5 kids between both… and went all-in.

    It never occurred to me that he was a serial cheater. I thought, surely, he wouldn’t marry a second time if he didn’t see forever in it, right? (Although, I did insist on a pre-nup, so obviously my sub-conscious was on to something.)

    But, that’s just it with these NPDs, they don’t see forever. The only see now. Immediate gratification. No causal relation to “if I lie and fuck around, I could lose this family I’ve built”. No remorse. No accountability. No looking back.

    And, I can’t wrap my mind around it. These monsters exist and live amongst us. And I fell in love and gred with one of them. And, on top of it, we have to listen to the drivel of people from the RIC saying “it’s ok”?

    I’ve been emotionally and spiritually raped. My child will be forever effected and affected by this. It is most certainly NOT OK.

    Thank you CL and CN… you are the only thing that makes me feel sane. (Ok, and my therapist and my 10yo son!)

    • My ex was 100% about instant gratification. He only cared about making himself feel good in the moment, regardless of consequences or damage it caused to his wife and child.

      The nice thing now is that he’s reaping what he sowed, which is to say, nothing at all. Divorced and living with his parents, working part time for a minimum wage job at 30…what a fun way to live!

  • I always figured the “three A’s” (abuse, addiction, adultery) were plenty good reasons to end a marriage.

    However, I agree with him about one thing: “Marriages are made of much more than sex.” They are made of love, trust and respect.

    I found this quote about love on Psychology Today: “Love is being truthful and never involves deception, because misleading another person fractures his or her sense of reality and is, therefore, an actual human rights violation that adversely affects mental health.”

    Someone posted something here the other day from Dr. Simon about trust: “Trust is …an essential ingredient – perhaps the single most important ingredient – in any relationship, especially our more intimate relationships.”

    I found this about functional families on psychcentral: “Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families. All people in the family, brothers to sisters, mothers to fathers, parents to kids must be respectful as consistently as possible. Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect.”

    Infidelity would be a damn good reason to end a marriage because it violates the foundation of intimate relationships.

    His poor wife has probably been brainwashed by his bullshit. We should send her Chump Lady’s new book.

      • Wait, the Ph.D. community is not claiming this wingnut–he is a psychiatrist (and hence has a medical degree). Which is not to say there aren’t damaging Ph.D.s, but no need to add A-blow to the mix.

        • I apologize, Tempest.

          It’s hard to believe a psychiatrist, purportedly trained in human behavior and interaction, doesn’t get that.

          • I know, Einstein, it is baffling how professionals are so non-professional. However, Psychiatrists are not especially well-trained in counseling techniques; their main “interventions” typically involve prescribing drugs. Many medical schools still use Freudian teachings which have been out of favor in psychology for years. Back when I worked in mental health, I didn’t meet too many psychiatrists I would count as high-empathy.

            • Tempest, I am not putting all mental health experts in the same boat but one of my brother’s has a daughter who is a clinical psychologist and she is an absolute space cadet who has modelled herself on Drew Barrymore the actress and is always cutesy, cutesy. She is academically brilliant and most of her knowledge has not been obtained through any life skills just her schooling and she is now working ‘helping’ people. The way she and her brother treat their poor mother is disgraceful. Their mother suffered a heart attack about 15 years ago and she died. She was brought back but suffered a significant brain injury. My brother divorced her because she wasn’t perfect any more and her children are 35 (D) and 32(S) and they never go near her to see how she is and she was a great mother and to think that her daughter is a trained professional. By the way, I met my ex through that brother and they both now live with Asian girls in their 20’s. It is interesting how my kids and my sister-in-law’s kids treat us the same !! Completely isolated and cut off and kept in the dark about everything.

  • Medical schools need to improve their screening for admission. It should be mandatory to have a couple of chumps on the interview panel. This not-without-an-ego character would have been identified as disordered and denied admission. Or, at the very least, limited to the practice of pathology.

    It is hard to comment on his drivel. The UBT did a masterful job, but as another chump said, it was difficult to stay with the material. Anti-nauseant time.

    • I feel for the UBT. As an attorney, it has been my experience that the most difficult legal responses to write are those where you have to address a totally absurd legal position. You know, it’s the “I am from the planet Zorg and under inter-galactic jurisdictional rules, I am not subject to the laws of the United States, any state or local government – so I can’t be liable for damages; you have to dismiss my traffic ticket,” and so on. CL did an excellent job wrestling this one to the ground. She does have a big brain, doesn’t she?

  • The thing about asking the Chump if he’d feel comfortable letting some tryst-mate take her wife with cancer for treatments is just unbelievable. That’s right, a Chump cares so much for someone that’s abused them that they’ll overlook the abuse because their main purpose in life is being of use to others. No wonder Chumps struggle with “experts” like this handing out advice. Can you imagine having that kind of guilt trip put on you in one of the most vulnerable and upsetting times of your life?

    By the way, I looked up this Dr. Keith Ablow online and he reminds me of my ex. It’s obvious he thinks he’s hot. I think he’s the kind of guy who has affairs, feels a little guilty about that, so he’d feel better if his wife secretly had one too. After all, it’s just sex. Until he gets gonorrhea.

    On another note — Have you ever noticed how bald, overweight, aging men like to criticize women’s bodies? Recently I overheard a very heavy man making fun of the woman who showed up for his Match.com date. He was talking about how big her butt was. It took everything I had not to turn around and say, “Hey, man. Have YOU ever looked in a mirror?” I guess these men think all women are just objects to be judged. No wonder this guy was complaining that he can’t find a hot woman. I don’t know why they’re not clamoring to take care of his aging, overweight, unemployed ass. Sheesh, what a catch!

  • I have no idea who this Ablow guy is, but I didn’t bother finishing his drivel. It only took a few samples of his word salad to recognize that he is just another disordered cheater. His nonsense is the same crap they all spew to minimize their actions. I laughed at the part where he said he wouldn’t dump his wife if SHE cheated, yeah right. You all know cheaters only consider it to be acceptable when THEY are the ones sniffing strange, the chumps aren’t allowed that same dubious “pleasure.”

  • “When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president…”

    Oh please. That’s poor prose. Try again. Something a bit more direct and accurate this time.

    When a man who is now running for president signs on for life with a woman… and then changes his mind, reverses his decision, decides that what he meant when he said it was for life, really meant it’s not actually for life after all… tumbles around in bed with another woman, and then visits his wife in the hospital when she’s recovering from cancer surgery to discuss the terms of their divorce, and then gets the divorce…

    …he signs on for life with that other woman… and then, after a short while changes his mind again, reverses his decision, decides that what he meant when he said THIS one, unlike the LAST one, was for life, really meant it’s not actually for life after all… tumbles around in bed with another woman, and then gets another divorce…

    …and then he signs on for life with that third woman… I think it says all we need to know about the character of a man who should not be allowed to hold a nine-volt battery, least of all any more power than that.

    • ‘Cuz if 3 women want him, the country must want him, too! Pretty sure there’s a logical fallacy in there…

      • Among other things, it appears the doc could use a logic course. I challenge anyone to connect the dots on that “three women” train of thought.

  • My husband cheated on me with my best friend while I was going through cancer treatment. They spent a lot of time together helping me and her helping us by hanging out with the kids. They grew closer (we all sent to college together decades ago). This I find Human and not just acceptable but desirable. They grew waaaay too close and had an EA. So I’m not sure where exactly I fit in the good doctor’s well-formed, insightful hypothetical. But I’m sure there is some deep meaning I’m failing to grasp with my feeble mind. Even though I’m an engineer and an attorney myself, although chemo brain is interfering.

        • Get yourself strong LutusDancer. I did the cancer thing too, and found it really can separate the best from the runners and the crisis junkies. Chemo brain is real, and it does subside in time, but it doesn’t really mess with emotions, just quick thinking. So take your time. See if that stuff all adds up in your mind and if it’s unacceptable, decide what you should do. No one should take advantage, but some do.

  • “should your wife be stricken with cancer, you are fully prepared to have her boyfriend — not you — take her to the hospital for chemotherapy. Is that right?”

    Sadly, even without infidelity–many spouses DON’T stick around when their partner is diagnosed with a serious illness.

    In fact, a study among patients diagnosed with brain tumors or ms found that men abandon wives at 7 times the rate that women abandon husbands. When the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. But among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced. Among couples who split up, divorce occurred, on average, about six months after the diagnosis.

    Glantz et al, (2009) Gender disparity in the rate of partner abandonment in patients with serious medical illness. Cancer. Volume 115, Issue 22, pages 5237–5242,

    http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/11/12/men-more-likely-to-leave-spouse-with-cancer/

    And these were the rates among the general population. I suspect abandonment would be even higher in cases of infidelity.

    • Sadly, that doesn’t surprise me. I had cancer and some other difficult illnesses throughout our marriage. When I found a list of things my husband wrote he loved about OW, “she’s healthy” was on it.

      The good news is, I’m much healthier now that I’m not living life with a cheater.

        • A healthy source of kibbles I don’t have to do anything for, right? Yes, it’s evil, but they can’t think beyond who is going to change the toilet paper roll and do their laundry and get dinner on. It’s all about them.

  • Well, I must say that cancer scenario REALLY hit home for me! You see, I got really sick after I learned my husband fell head over heels in wuv with his Schmoopie from Facebook. I then got my lung cancer diagnosis and had to have most of my left lung removed. Shortly thereafter, I got MRSA and the surgeon had to go back into my left lung and debride the poison coursing through my body. Where was my husband? Oh, he was with his Twu wuv! NEVER called anyone to see if I was alive or dead! He did, however. Have his attorney call my attorney to push the divorce proceedings along! My attorney filed a motion with the judge to have him back off so I could heal a bit! And when my husband was informed I had lung cancer and my kids begged him to at least help me a bit (I live far away from them), his reply was, ” you kids are going to have to handle this.” And they did! It didn’t bother him and Schmoopie in the least that I was incredibly sick! All except for the positive, uninformed articles Schmoopie sent my husband on the curable forms of cancer! Or the email he sent his lawyer with Schmoopie CC’d asking if I die, how could he spin it so he and Schmoopie would look good! Much to my joy his lawyer told him that his kids and family would probably hate him for ignoring me and letting me die alone! Keith Ablow can kiss my ass! The guy is a jerk! Not to mention the fact that I’ve never heard any advice from him that involves common sense! He can bite me!

      • Lady strange, yep! Mine did get pancreatic cancer after he moved in with Schmoopie he was diagnosed. What did Schmoopie do? Well, after months and months of ignoring my needs and the needs of lover boys family, she started calling my adult children behind cheater boys back! She was obviously trying to unload him cause once she had to deal with his cancer and diabetes diagnosis and his depression over it, he wasn’t Mr. Fun, sexy or romantic anymore! He was depressed and filled with fear and guilt! (His own words, ” I felt God was punishing me for all the bad things I had done to you! Everyday it felt like I was under a cloud of bad luck!”) Schmoopie had to rid herself of him and thought that my adult kids would run to Florida from Virginia and abandon their own families to render “nursing” services!!!! BTW, this bitch is a certified nurse aid now, but couldn’t be bothered to take care of her aging Romeo!! My kids told her and the Ex, “There is nothing we can or will do for you as long as you are with that woman!” “You are going to have to deal with it on your own.” Sound familiar???? That’s exactly what he told my kids when I needed him! Let’s talk about the pet scenario, shall we?? All the dogs we had were getting older. He supposedly “loved” them sooooo much! When I asked him to help with food, vet bills, etc. during the separation and divorce he refused! Both our dogs had to be put down eventually due to age, but it sure didn’t matter to him! I was crushed and cried like a baby. Both times I was so upset my wonderful veterinarian waived the fee! Then he had the audacity to tell me how he took one of her older dogs to the vet to be put down because she was soooo sad!! Boo fuckety hoo! He probably paid the fee for her too! Our dogs didn’t count for shit! Dr. Ablow, know it all is an ass!!! I love the way he discounts his wife by implying that she could only get a waiter to screw her! Well Hell, if the waiter is at least honest and loyal then why not?? It beats a cheating fucktard!

        • I almost forgot! My Ex also has a PhD. My oldest daughter says it now stands for Positively Horrendous Douche! Doesn’t matter how smart they are, they fall short in the morals and standards area!

          • @ Roberta my ex uncle (in law) also had a PhD and several masters. He lived half his life in one state and half in another. You guessed it- my aunt (first wife) in his home town, knows parents, and a lady in the other state. He actually had the nerve to move the ow into his home with my aunt I bet cause he wanted a third. It quickly blew up. But he’s as cocky as all get out. He’s never wrong and so condescending. Such a know it all!!

  • Readers Digest version:

    My wife won’t leave me even though I cheat because I take in starving cats and I’m very good at telling lies.

    If she catches me, I’ll say “it was only sex”. I’ll point her to this article.

    I have a PHD, that’s how I came up with that brilliant justification. Years of schooling.

  • My ex recently told my daughter “no marriage ends only because of infidelity; both your mother and I f*cked up.”
    Um, no, sorry, you do not get off the hook that easily.

    • Mine told me “Affairs happen….You, Tempest, need to own your own part in the demise of this marriage.” Damn, did I bang a dozen or more people and don’t remember it? Wish I remembered it…..

  • I finally got my divorce in Jan. Why would my ex text me hi on March 16th, our wedding date over 25 years ago. He has been living with his shmoopie now for two years. Cake eater? He also mentioned well, if you ever need a friend. He was one of those with all the cheater hand book classics, ILOVYBANILWY. I will always love you, we are like brother and sister type and alcoholism to boot. I am scratching my head still sometimes.

    • Carmen, trust that he’s just checking to see if there’s any cake left for him. Mine does this same thing occasionally. I simply delete his texts each time.

      • I simply block the ex’s number so he can’t ever do it again. He sent me Happy Birthday wishes a couple of years ago after we divorced and after he moved in with OW turned OWife. I deleted his text and proceeded to block him.

        Now I just go on in life pretending that he doesn’t exist!

  • I wonder how Mrs. I-Blow feels about Dr. Douche effectively giving her a plausibly deniable ILYBINILWY speech in front of a national audience.

    • I think he just gave her the green light to cheat (which would warrant sending him a green hat to wear, amiright, ChumpyElf?)

      • The only reason I knew what that meant was from an article about faux pas committed by business visiting China. They don’t teach that sort of thing in North American Chinese class. On second thought, maybe I do remember the song: “Ten little male frogs…. working in a brothel (wearing green hats).” ;O

  • The fault to this extremely disordered and f’d up theory. The first time my husband left, it was the day before my 18 year old cat was going for surgery that was most likely to kill her (it didn’t). He said he left then because dealing with the cat would keep my mind occupied so I wouldn’t fixate on his cheating and leaving. That was five years ago. Before I even knew he was cheating, 6 years ago, I had a carcinoid and had to had a lobe of my lung removed. He was really mean to me and took the opportunity when I had to be hospitalized for a few days to carry on his affair (presumably, in my home). Fast forward to two years ago, when he was living home and being really mean again. That same cat, now almost 22, was dying. He was a total fuck to me, really horribly mean. He was screaming at me when we drove to the vet to put her to sleep. She was the best pet ever. My best friend, really. I was heartbroken. A few days later, he apologized saying, “I spoke to someone who has two dogs. She said she would also be heartbroken if one of her dogs died.” I said: “ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND???” and yes, he was. Then, just this past September, when were were separated for the final time and he hadn’t talked to me in months, our other 22 year old (the first cat’s sister) was dying and I had to put her to sleep. I texted him that i didn’t have the money to do that. He totally ignored me, even though he had had both of these animals for 22 years and supposedly loved them. The vet even cried while I held my sweet baby and she was put to sleep. So the moral of this is: a person who cheats is a crappy person in all regards. No, they are not there when bad things happen. No, they are not there to take care of you, your kids, the pets, the house. This is a very very strange post from someone who is clearly a cheater or has some other major personality or character disorder.

    • I’m sorry about your poor kitties. They are waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge now. Unlike cheaters, pets are true and honest.

      • I second that. My sweetest cat ever died when she was over 22. It’s so hard to have them that long–such a major part of our lives with their unconditional love and companionship. When my 4-year old cat was at the end of her battle with lymphoma and I got a text message saying “she was a nice cat in her own way,” I finally knew what Jackass was. A Jackass.

        • I had to put my twin brother cats down at age 19. Mind you, I had to give up my bunnies and fish to keep those cats together in the divorce as we adopted them before marriage. They had never been separated, so I would not go with the one for each idea. My cat was still sharp as a tack, but had the worst traumatic arthritis the vet had ever seen. That was because my ex would throw him across the room in the middle of the night, laughing because “cats always land on their feet.” I’d hear a thud that would wake me, and once again, the Fucktard had hurt my cat. In the end, he had no cartilage from his hips to his back toes. I had to shoot him full of prednisone for the last couple of years to keep him on his feet. Not a long term solution. The one my ex chose was a bit healthier, physically, but became a complete Alzheimer kitty. His mind was gone, so he would attack his brother in the middle of the night and beat the shit out of him. He would attack the wall. Scratch and bite me if I tried to settle him down. But the only one abused by my ex was mine. Go figure. I miss those sweet babies still. And they raised my last rabbit and taught him to be a cat.

    • Well, clear to see your Cheater X has found a way to “outsource” something that looks like empathy or compassion. He just checks with Schmoopie to see what he should be feeling…hence the lack of remorse …

  • Yes, we are humans. But, we are not doormats for cheaters to wipe their dog poop shoes on whenever they feel like it. Marriage is a covenant between a husband and wife. You can not bring in outsiders and expect that covenant to stay in tact. The sad part is there are people who are buying into this crap he is vomiting out. I personally can not begin to understand how he thinks anything that he is stating makes any logical sense.

  • It almost sounds like his wife is the cheater and he is justifying why he stays. Who knows? The whole post is just so sick.

  • I’m late to this conversation, and haven’t had a chance to read all the comments, but has anyone made fun of his name yet? In terms of what he’s preaching, maybe he feels just a blow shouldn’t be a blow to the marriage. Maybe it’s a blow of sunshine up a stale marriage’s ass? I just feel like making fun of him because he blows.

  • The other thing that bugs me about these reconciliation advocates is that they presume that once caught, the cheater will suddenly reform and be a good, honest person with high character and integrity. Or they assume that somehow a spouse can be a cheater but still be a good, honest person with high character and integrity and still be 100% vested in and contributing to the marriage.

    This espoused over and over again in the infidelity can make your marriage better by opening communication, by serving as a trigger that the marriage needs work and problems need to be solved.

    Maybe in some cases, this is partially true (unicorn), but in the majority of cases, the cheater does not suddenly change over night in to a good honest person with high character. They do not suddenly forget about the AP or the next AP. They do not suddenly take on more parenting duties, more financial duties, and spend less. They do not suddenly call a marriage counselor and put true effort into improving the marriage, re-establishing intimacy and trust, and if the appear to do these things, it usually a sham just to trick you into providing cake since they don’t have a fall back plan.

    Cheaters don’t suddenly fall in love with you, the real you and start acting reciprocally in the relationship and putting your needs first.

    No, they continue to lie to your face, to the therapist about how they made a mistake and are sorry. But they aren’t. They’ll cheat again. They’ll immediately try to manipulate the chump back into being controlled to provide cake for them.

    The RIC needs to get real. Cheating is not OK. It is destructive. Rehabilitation is a long, hard path that take commitment, honesty and investment in other – all things cheaters have demonstrated that they suck at.

    • Absolutely, Buddy, spot on. Discovering the cheating is the horrific, horrific moment you discover that you don’t really know this person, your whole life is not real and that they really do have this capacity to care THIS little and be THIS selfish.
      I still would rather be shot than go through that. I mean, I’ve gone through it but to this day would choose to be shot in lieu.

  • I mean so, so many thing to say… all the things.

    But what struck me was the whole “now if your Cheater gets sick and someone is on deck to help them, well you may feel sad and jealous… so you shouldn’t leave”, as a justification is crazy talk. My STBX has: obesity, high blood pressure, hypothyroid, high cholesterol, IBS, hemorrhoids, crippling anxiety and depression, vitilligo, status post major ulcer surger, and major dental issues like I don’t even want to know (like he spits blood when he brushes his teeth… which is not that often I think). And he’s only 43… It’s not like he’s 80. The fact that his health is going to continue to deteriorate is like reason 615 why I’m getting divorced. For the love that is all and good holy, take him off my hands before he gets sicker and I have to actually try and help him or spend money on him.

    Like that is not a selling point in my world “This person that ripped your life and heart to shreds may get really sick and you won’t be there to help him”. Yes Please… where do I sign up for that. I want to go to that.

    • You don’t want to be there for that. I didn’t respond when the Hoover Letter came after the younger, thinner and prettier replacement for me was fired. Let the SOB lie in his waste. That is no longer your problem.

    • Amen CAGal! Because when someone betrays you and treats you with no respect, that is when you want to care for them when they are sick. Um nooooway. My X took my 2 kids to MagicMountain the day after my cancer surgury because he said his brother was in town with his new chick and they had already planned this. In hindsight he was probably celebrating what he hoped would be my soon demise.

  • As for this blowhard “psychiatrist” Ablow, the most upsetting thing about his article may be his perpetuation of the old trope about infidelity: “it’s just sex.” Anyone who has been chumped knows it’s NOT just about sex. Not ever. Our national conversation about cheating won’t change until the light is shined on that basic fact. It’s one of the best things about CN. Keep on shining that light, fellow chumps!

    • You’re right! It’s also about being lied to and gaslighted, having your health and possibly your life risked by a cheater who doesn’t like to use condoms, destroying your trust in nearly everyone, rewriting your entire marital history, and undermining your reality and your understanding of yourself and your entire world.

      Only someone who has never been gutted by infidelity would blithely say “it’s just sex.”

      • Not to mention the financial costs! Schmoopies don’t come cheap, and neither do secret cellphones, marriage therapists in wreckonciliation, therapy and meds for the traumatized chump and children, prostitutes. . . .

        It takes about 10 seconds for anyone with half a brain to figure out a hundred ways that cheating is not “just sex.” Which means this guy, despite his Hopkins MD, clearly has straw where his brain should be.

  • “I mean, really, we should roll Esther Perel, Keith Ablow and every other cheater apologist into a giant, evolving tapestry — think of it as Satan’s burrito — and drop them in the nearest harbor.” OMG BRILLIANT! Hilarious and spot on. Damn good stuff, they suck so bad. I despise the lot of them.

  • I think he is someone who must be cheating, how many of us were so sure we could tolerate and work through anything EXCEPT cheating, that was my deal breaker for sure until it happened to me, here I am going to attempt to separate things 1.5 yrs later…so clearly he has dealt with this subject or he would be such “an expert”. I wonder how many waitress’s he found so titilating? Oh right but the dogs medicine that ls true love lol

  • The only people that excuse cheating this severely are cheaters themselves. I hate cheaters. Always will.

  • I think Dr. Ablow would then approve of my sleeping with a stranger as a befitting reply to my husband’s adultery.

    But my cheating husband does not want me to stoop so low!

    Holy Help!

  • I just watched a British trilogy called “Dr Foster: A Woman Scorned”. After being on this blogsite, I could see every step of horrified recognition on her part and see his “gaslighting” and horrible behavior as it happened.

    Thanks, CL; I think the above trilogy should be required watching for every woman who contemplates marriage.

    Best advice yet: get a dog.

    • Liz – I’ve tried to access that trilogy many times as I heard it was very good. It’s not avail in most parts of the States that I can tell and I’ve tried numerous times. Maybe it’ll make it’s way to the US eventually. I’d even buy the entire video at this point.

      • I found it on my “On Demand” system on Xfinity. I’ve also seen it on BBC TV store in a DVD

        It’s an amazing story. She comes out of the horrible situation totally on top of things.

  • Dr Ablow seems to think that cheating is ‘only’ a matter of fucking around, like these people stay loving and have a RESPECTFUL affair. He must come to my house and see the real damage.
    The cruelty as the stupid boring ball and chain is compared with the wonderful fantasy.
    The complete discard (couldn’t even be bothered with eye contact). Only talking to the kids. Does he have any idea what it is like to be utterly ignored as though you don’t exist?
    The discard, but with the expectation that the bits of monogamy that suit him – housekeeping, accounts, laundry, property maintenance – be continued. Just like the television aerial, shut up, stay up there out of sight and mind, work and do what you are supposed to do.
    The secret credit card.
    The refusal to say where he is and where he is going and when he will come back.
    The secrecy around money.
    The silent ignoring.

    He has no idea of the complete cruelty that is cheating.

    • Bravo Patsy. Very well said. This is exactly what I got. The ignoring was the worst.
      Super-glued-phone is also part of it, and the guy was never techie until I bought that for him.
      Oh, and the money.
      He went from sharing every monthly statement with me, going into great detail to suddenly hiding it all.
      That’s when he started taking unaccounted cash out every month and eventually stole $250g’s from me in total.
      Beware folks – keep your hands and eyes on the finances.
      We never think they would ever steal from us, but the more they are in the money-business, the more they know the tricks of the trade.

      I learned early on from this site that once they are cheating, they’re going to start stealing.
      And, yup- this nice ‘decent’ guy was caught red-handed stealing from me and he was lucky I never charged him for theft as he was fleeing out of the city. It all came out in court.
      He paid up for that.

      What? He thought I was stupid????

      • Judging from ex’s behavior, in general, when screwing the whore, he had a close personal relationship with Satan. Or maybe he actually WAS Satan. Sure acted like it.

  • Speaking of the ex getting cancer, in the year prior to dday she was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. She had 6-7 punch biopseys done and all came back positive with cancer. I was there during the surgeries to remove two large patches of cancer and during her rehab. I guess drunk old, ff67 wasn’t such a bad guy after all.

    Now after the cheating and divorce, her cancer is no longer my problem. Her new boyfriend, her ex-lover or whomever can take care of her and worry about her health. I will be on a beach somewhere drinking and fishing if the cancer comes back. I will be happy to return to pull the plug on life support if I am ever asked. Still waiting for Tuesday.

    • You will get there. Honestly.

      I’ll never “get over it,” nor will I be friends with nor forgive the ex and OW. But “meh” comes.

      You will fill the distance with new memories, you will quickly right yourself after every reminder, you will learn how strong you are and how good life is without someone so toxic in it.

      You will never forget, but it won’t always ache as badly as it does right now. Embrace the healing–it’s uncomfortable, but it’s therapeutic. Know that you are on the right track, that your values are strong. And, as Tracy says, Trust That She Sucks.

      It really will be ok.

    • Heart infection, two major heart surgeries, congestive heart failure, on my insurance, at least two to three years of taking him to the hospital, doctors, pharmacy, you name it. I stayed the whole time, never a thought about leaving or another man.

      He only concern: losing his hard on. Scared to death of losing his hard on. Not dying, not living as a vegetable. His dick.

      I had no idea of this double life. But, when I heard him asking his doctor about certain medications reducing his sex drive a light bulb went on. This mother fucker wasn’t using it with me.

      Everything fell into place…

      A very wealthy male friend of mine, 92 years old, told me, “There are some people in constant search of sex that does not includes intimacy and others in search of intimacy that includes sex”. He is worldly and has had both. He pities the man who has never found intimacy with a woman followed by sexual desire. In his opinion, it is the best there is. He was faithful to his wives (he was widowed twice).

      My only wish is that I don’t settled for less, again, in this lifetime. Working on it everyday in the land of meh.

  • Hey all. Lets blow up Keith Ablow’s AND especially, Fox News email on this. We should keep it somewhat civil, remember the people reading the emails will be unfamiliar with this stuff. A good chance to educate.

  • Wow, I read this and felt ill.

    this guy isn’t some 60+ misogynist christian by any chance is he? because he sounds like the the crazies I managed to escape following D’Day. The countless times I was told that they (church eldership) had seen far worse infidelity than that of my husband and the wife had chosen to remain in the marriage and now their union was stronger then ever. How much worse could it be for a partner to cheat on someone they vowed to love, claimed to love. Or for those who are new to this sight in my case my cheater was fucking other men on a semi regular basis, when he finally told the truth, instead of owing that he was gay he blamed his infidelity on me, his spiritual walk and a demonic spirit. I chose to end it and have been managing the fall out for the past two and a bit years. To them, he just fell. He had tried to walk straight but had fallen, again. They had faith they could restore him and are convinced they have by helping him to groom his next victim. He is now married and currently spending a month in Paris for their honeymoon.

    BUT

    UBT, there are so many people in my old church that fit this description, “To the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left… so we can stay together in seething misery.” the church is independent and headed by a self inflated individual that is prone to misogynistic, men are the head of the house the wife shall submit bullshit thinking. All the women who have been there longer than I had been, all had a wiped fall into line mentality. Two of them tried to manage me following D’day and I can’t help but think that they had expected me to stay married because they had. they too where possibly chumps. I just wanted to scream at them ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING! when I was asked knowing what he had done would I take him back.

    and live in seething misery? but they were not kidding, they meant it. just like this crazy.

    • Those people sound EVIL! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But Dr. Ablow is a 55ish secular Jew. So he doesn’t even have an excuse!

  • Guess what incredible thing happened the other day: Cheater cheated on his kids (had a serious secret relationship which went completely unmentioned and behind their backs) and has now betrayed their trust as well as idiot wife’s. They are as hurt and devastated and calling him to account like I did.

    So he was saying: that first affair (on me) meant absolutely nothing! She meant nothing. Oh, really? Because I distinctly distinctly remember the anguish of watching someone I loved completely ditch me in favour of ‘nothing’ he was infatuated with and chose over me at all times. I remember being less than the sh* on his shoe at this time. I remember the lies, the secretiveness and the ‘exuberant defiance’. You’re not the boss of me! My pain and anguish being completely dismissed, as being annoying and tedious.

    The mindfuckery never, ever stops. They never change.

    • Perfectly said, Patsy!!!! So sad, but so true!!!! Cheaters don’t just cheat on their spouses! They cheat on their children as well! They suffer so much! SHAME on anyone who thinks otherwise !!!!!!

    • I’m sorry but I don’t get what ‘following’ means.
      Aren’t we on here because we are following?

      Not to criticize but sometimes I sign on to see comments that flood my email box.
      ‘Following’, without a comment doesn’t quite tick with me.
      I assume you are and that’s great!

      I’m a follower myself. 🙂

      • Shechump – I haven’t quite mastered on how to subscribe to the thread without putting a comment. Sometimes I just want to follow and receive the e-mails – so I just put following and click on the little box that says notify me of new comments via email.

        That’s all. Just me, following what others are saying to help me heal. If you know how to subscribe without comment, please tell me – that would be great! Thanks.

        • Kimberly – your reasons make perfect sense! Thank you. I’m not sure how to subscribe to a post without responding either, so I think your method works well!
          I’m such a dough head sometimes. 😉

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