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Cheater or Child? Who Said It Best?

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birthdaypartyToday’s Fun Friday challenge came from FreeVixen, who suggested a contest in which you compare a cheater utterance with something a child might say, and award a winner.

For example:

In the category of “You’re Not Invited to My Birthday Party!” the contestants are Martin, a surly 5 year old, and Amos, a 52-year old accounting rep.

When Dylan took back the Hot Wheels car toy from Martin, (who never takes turns!), Martin uninvited him to all present and future birthday parties. (Dylan responded by repo-ing the Hot Wheels car with a swift kick to Martin’s shins.)

(applause!)

Amos, the accounting rep, did not invite his wife of 23 years, Janice to his birthday party. Despite the fact that Janice had made reservations at a very nice restaurant and bought him silver cufflinks, Amos made other plans to spend the day in Atlantic City with his mistress Twinkie.

Confronted later with a used bus ticket, (that was not to the underwriting conference in Muncie) Amos exclaimed that Janice was not INVITED to his birthday.

Do we have a winner?

Other categories are “You’re not the boss of me!” “Nanner-nanner boo boo!” and “Because I WANT IT!”

Feel free to add your own…

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • When my stbxh discarded me after 34 years of marriage(that included many trips cars motorcycles,cottage,house in Florida etc that we couldn’t afford), he said “I just wanna have fun” stomp of his little foot imagined….

    • My cheater said to me: if we were having more fun, I never would’ve cheated. He’s a serial cheater that started cheating on me the week we moved in together. I guess we never had any fun…

    • “I’m furious! I’m so tired of being the bad guy and you’re miss perfect.” Hysterical.

  • In mediation with ex over property and child custody, ex tries to justify his hardline position – “Yes I did some terrible things but (insert high pitched whine here) she told people about them!”

  • My X and I had just been to a funeral with Miss Twinkletwat and their bunch of fucknuts.

    We drove 2 hours home only for him to want to turn around and drive 4 hours away for her Birthday party. He knew I didn’t want to go – so it was his chance to go by himself.

    I said no, we had a long day. We were in the church parking lot as we lived in the rectory. He was in his clerical clothes ( white collar and all).

    He started jumping up and down clenching his fists and saying that he never got to do what he wanted to do.
    Then he screamed all red in the face ” I never got to be a fireman!”

    Yup. 7 years of education while my kids were little and moving to a strange city away from family and friends to hear that. I want to be a unicorn but you know – I live in reality.

      • Mine “never got to be a Doctor!”

        He was homeless until the age of 26, yet somehow I cockblocked all of this bubbling career ambition.

        Jeez. He couldn’t even be bothered to stick with the cleaning business we started together. Left me high and dry with no notice running it: TWICE.

        This is going to be a long day reading all of these.

    • Oh Lucky, I am so sorry for you. But that is fucking hilarious. Wtf?!?

      Mine – when I first confronted – got all uppity and stated “I have my masters” like I was too stupid and beneath him. He then climbed up on the cross and declared how much he was suffering. “You just won’t understand!”

      Fuck his masters. I bet he wished he could’ve been a fireman?

      • Sounds familiar, as X was taking his things from the house he would walk past me and say, “I’m a pilot, what are you”?

        I should have recorded him and sent a copy to the FAA, and find out there thoughts on what he is.

      • Oh I got that one too! I wouldn’t understand because I “didn’t go to medical school” like him and his MOW. Lol!

    • Bwahahaha!!! That is priceless!!

      Right before D-day my ex whined that he didn’t want to be a law enforcement officer anymore, he wanted to change careers to be a DJ (while I was a stay at home mom). I’m a little disappointed that I never got to see his LA nightclub DJ dreams squashed when the best he could do was a budget wedding in San Pablo.

      • Free Vixen – This is too funny. The guy wants to be a DJ and is a colossal failure at it. What’s up with these cheaters and their aimlessness in their careers, joblessness, failures at being able to provide. Sheesh.

        • He never did change careers, I’m just imagining how it would have gone down. I bet his OW was encouraging and telling him that he should do whatever made him happy. Now that they have a child on the way and a shared rent payment, I bet she feels a little differently. On the plus side, now SHE gets to be the new Crusher of Dreams and Happiness, which he thought was a title only I could hold.

          • Crusher of Dreams and Happiness… love that. I think I will embroider that into a pillow and put it on my bed, just incase Dr. Demento ever comes back to the house and sneaks in like he used to.

          • Shortly after Dday, I saw an email from OW to my ex gushing about how she “just knew he was going to be a huge star, sigh.” LOL, puke. Funny how she disappeared from the scene once he quit his steady job to pursue that “stardom,” however. Guess she had more smarts than it seemed.

    • You could, of course, offer to pile up all his belongs and light them on fire if he’d like to practice his fantasy profession.

    • These are so sad and yet so funny. I hope the universe takes them all over its knee and gives them a good spanking.

    • And the Oscar goes to…. (gasp!!!) Lucky’s ex—!!!! HAHAHAAA, that’s freaking funny!!!

    • Lucky…I spoke of you and your winning chump entry here at Chumpapalooza today…you werent forgotten !!

  • “If I’m happy, shes’s happy!” In reference to 12 year old daughter. Who was decidedly not happy and dumped abruptly at her mothers full time until she came to her senses and agreed to share a room and go on outings with New Chick’s children.

    • OMG — mine constantly said the same thing. “If I’m a happier person, there will be less stress in the house and I won’t snap at the girls so much.”

      • That reminds me of my X saying… “Maybe that is a good thing, you know we’ll all be happier after the divorce…”

        I saw red, quite literally, and out of nowhere shot back something along the lines of “Don’t you ever again dare say anything like this. I and our daughter will be happy, but that will be DESPITE all the lies and shit you brought into our lives.”

        My insides are boiling just remembering this… So please excuse me while I go punch some inanimate object…

        • Yeah, I don’t have much as to really childish stuff but his big points were : 1. We can all be friends after the ‘bs work’ of the divorce was done. 2. I am central in my children’s lives (so marries the twatwaffle in a big, white gown ceremony, but neglects to tell his kids for 6 MONTHS until after. I paid for the therapist for my daughter.). What a jerk wad.

      • UX, that’s exactly what mine said: “I want my kids to see me happy – it will be better for them.”

      • Except if you read the literature, it is not true. They have a mean/sweet cycle, that is pretty regular and predicable, except when they are on the high of new lust mascarading as twu luv. That mean and snappy person is coming back with a vengence. Bwahahahah! Twilight Zone anyone.

      • My daughter dropped his ass like a diseased rutabaga. Unfortunately my stepdaughter has to now hang out with Chanoopie #5, successor to the Sluterus. At least she demanded to have primary custody transferred from him to her own mom. It’s complicated. And we walked away.

    • the one time i brought up the boys, he told me that they would be better off not seeing us fight all the time… … … … … we never really faught. he was never home to fight with, and when he was home he hide in the garage. the few times he was actually in the house, i wasnt even talking to him… because i was so hurt and upset, and i DO NOT fight in front of my kids… .. …

      he also said, the boys deserve better then this… not sure what the “this” he was referring to but YEP my kids sure did deserve better

  • Me: Ok, lemme get this straight. You told me you were working Valentine’s Day weekend, but you had your girlfriend come in town and stay with you in a hotel?….

    Him: Yes…

    Me: Did you *really* drive by my house with her while I was at home taking care of our children?!

    Him: Well, she really wanted to see the new house…

    • He was just wanting to “bring about a new energy to the marriage”, and surely her wanting to see the new house is simply “an expression of yearning and loss.” and what Steven Mitchell dubs an “act of exuberant defiance.”

      • He said it in that “What? I don’t get it. What did I do wrong” kind of irritating tone that just makes you turn around and walk away. There is a good reason why I call him Idiotic Twat.

        • I had ex invite me and DS to watch him and OW play squash!! I didn’t know at the time he was shagging her, after I found out I asked him WTF was wrong with him. He said he thought our son would enjoy watching him play. PLAY SQUASH WITH THE WHORE YOU’RE SHAGGING BEHIND MUMMIES BACK?? I was speechless!

  • Two days after I found out, we had to go to his cousin’s wedding (third time’s the charm for him?). So we’re at the hotel the night before the wedding and talking about his affair, and Big Shot says, “It’s just so hard to be good sometimes.”

    • Meadow,
      How did you ever manage to go to a wedding, plus be in a hotel w him so shortly?
      I saw only blood for several months! I admire those who could hold it together w their cheater.
      I just couldn’t.

      • I was in mentally in shock and caught up in the “unreasonable” notion that he took his marriage vows seriously. I was willing to forgive a mistake, but I made the faulty assumption that he thought he made one. I thought he would drop Trashley like a hot potato to fight for our family, to try to make things better because we were worth it. I made the mistake of thinking I mattered to him. It took me about 6 months to see the light.

        • Meadowlands – it’s horrible to realize that these people dabble in love. It’s a peripheral thing to them, not central like it is with normal people like us. I know it’s difficult but try not to take his leaving personally. They take the path of least resistance and I’m sure he looked at the giant mess he made of your marriage and all the hard work it would take to fix things. She doesn’t know what a complete dirtbag he is yet (don’t worry – it will come) so he figured his best bet is to go with the clueless one.

          I’d hate to think you look at his leaving as anything to do with your value. Cheaters see the people in their lives a bit players in the soap opera in which they star. She’s just a bit player too. It’s the easy way out.

          • Thanks so much for this response (and everyone’s responses). I’ve been coming back to reread them all, but this one in particular, over the last few days. There’s something about the phrase “giant mess he made of your marriage and all the hard work it would take” that hits the nail right on the head. He’s a lazy coward. For the most part, I’m doing much better. I’m divorced and well on my way to meh. Having to raise a child with his involvement can invoke some mental scab picking, but nothing on the scale of what it used to be. I don’t want him back at all, but I do miss what I thought I had: a loving partner.

        • Meadowlands – I remember that shock stage well. And the thought that he’d realize he’d made a giant mistake. I thought I’d meant to him what he meant to me — and I was dead wrong.

          Even this morning (one year post the final D-Day), I was sitting in the same row as him during our son’s piano recital. One of the other kids played a song we both used to love and without thinking, I looked over at him and we both smiled. I quickly looked away, about to cry, and reminded myself that HE’S NOT WHO I THOUGHT HE WAS. He’s the guy who just last night, when I was dropping the kids off, was sneaking some fat-assed twenty-something hoochie-mama (he’s in his forties) out the other door of his apartment.

        • same mistake i made. i made the mistake that he loved me and realized that we had a good thing, 14 years of me standing by his side thru all his “mistakes”, keeping the house and the family going while he felt sorry for himself, filling out his applications for yet another job because he hated the job he was in, making sure all the bills were paid so he could run around and spend money foolishly,…. … ..

          and the biggest mistake was thinking he would FIGHT for me and the boys.

        • I too remember thinking X valued our marriage as much as I did and this would pass as it was only an error in judgment. We had so many memories, and shared so much over the years.
          I thought X was a devoted family man.
          I found CN and now realize X isn’t anything like the person I thought I married.
          Funny, X would laugh at anyone dating or marrying anyone 20 younger than them, saying they wouldn’t have anything in common, how ridiculous it looked, these girls were young enough to be his daughter.., what would they talk about? blah, blah.
          Well, guess who has a GF 20 years younger and young enough to be his daughter.., he claims they have so much more in common than he and I ever did.
          Our 20 year marriage, life together meant absolutely nothing to him.

  • Mine asked if I seriously thought that it was a good idea to tell a 55 year old only child that it wasn’t all about him.
    Said without a trace of irony.I think it was then that I began to realise I was dealing with a wingnut.

    • Come to think of it another gem that dropped from his lips was “Please don’t give up on us until I see if it works out with her”.
      Just WTF.

        • Oh yeah.And when I told him we were never,ever going to be friends,he said in a whining petulant voice..”But I WANT us to be friends”.
          I had to block the dickhead on everything to get rid of him.
          At least I can laugh now.

          • Mine used that line, she also said , you can see the kids when ever you want! And, we can hang out like a family. Ha, I’m like wtf, so when your boyfriend gets boring , you want to have family time. What’s wrong with these aliens. Yes , I would love to be your option no2.

            • Agreed. These people are NOT from this planet. They are not from this planet, they do not belong to this planet, and they are f*cking up life for everything else that IS from and of this planet.

              The sooner we anchor in another solar system, I say we cue them up first to board. All of ’em. Every goddamn single one of ’em.

            • One night while we were separated, he stops by, does a whole bunch of lovey-dovey stuff, asks to stay over……I let him stay over.

              And then does a big freak oout in the morning that we are “just friends” that I am “trying to trap him” and that he was just being “friendly for the sake of our kid.”

              Because trying to make out with me on the couch and get into our bed is exactly what “friends” do, “for the children.”

              • Alexandra: they just try to regain their power (in a kind of “You can’t fire me, I quit!” kind of thing).

                After I asked for a divorce, then-H pleaded and begged to go to counseling. He made the appt., behaved like a total ass during it, and then when the therapist tried to reschedule the 2nd appt, then-H thought he had the upper hand again (since I’d agreed to MC), and he said, “I think I want the divorce now, but we can be friends.” lololol. I filed instead. We no friends, Kemosabe.

      • “Please be my best friend until I figure out whether or not my new best friend will let me sit at his lunch table. I’ll even share my cookie with you.” [eats entire cookie without sharing]

      • DeeDee, when I asked my ex if he was going to stop seeing her after DDay 2, he said “if things don’t work out with us I want to pursue a relationship with her.”

        • How nice does that leave you feeling! Toxic comes to mind. Mine said I don’t want a divorce or anything, what she meant was can you please keep going to work and look after me and the kids while I keep seeing this other guy blah blah . Nice to have options I guess or to be one.

          • When I confronted XH about his cheating after finding physical evidence, I got verbal denials but there were contradictions to the verbal denials with micro-second facial expressions and body language. When I said, “I guess you thought you could have your fun, and I would be none the wiser and we would just continue on, business as usual.” His response was either to nod his head in agreement or to mutter “Mmm-hmm”, I can’t really remember which; but what I do remember was that it was an affirmation (and not the only one) of my accusation of his infidelity which contradicted with his verbal denials.

        • Expat, during the very short (thank God) reconciliation phase, the ex said the same thing to me. I have forgiven myself now, but I still can’t believe that I ever had to put of with that mental abuse.

      • Please don’t leave me alone! I’m not ready to do cooking and laundry and cleaning all by myself! I’m not ready to use the big boy potty! I need someone to help me with all those things. I can’t be by myself like an adult! Insert grown man falling onto the floor and wailing while kicking his legs into the air.

  • After treating me and our child like shit throughout his cheating (passive-aggression, silent treatment, verbal and emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah), Einstein had the nerve to say “You don’t tell me I’m wonderful anymore!”. Cause you’re not, Doucheflame!

    • Yes! Mine said “I want you to adore me.” Sad thing is, I did for way too long… But that ship has now sailed.

    • My ex complained “you’re so judgmental!” Yeah, that’s because you’re LYING and SCREWING.

      • My assbrain said I was judgmental too. I was “judging” him for going out with his just divorced ex-ho-worker for drinks until 1:30am and lying and telling me he was out for work. He said I was “judging” him for seeing this slut for the previous nine years for coffee before work (I never knew she even existed.) His best man for our wedding didn’t “judge” him for what he did, so why was I judging him? Ummmm, because your best man thinks that there is nothing wrong with going to Canada to see totally naked strippers and getting lap dances. He calls this “just entertainment.” Did I mention my husband and his best man are Christians? LOL Good joke!

        • I judged mine for wanting an open marriage. I wouldn’t have judged him if he would have informed me of that before marriage. Then, I could have just broken up and let him go to someone more compatible. It’s not even that he’s bad for wanting an open marriage. It’s that it’s bad to commit to me in a traditional ceremony with traditional “forsaking all other vows”, then ask for an open marriage once I’m stuck. It’s even worse to ask after cheating and then just keep cheating once I say no. And, it’s worse yet to get remarried to someone else, asking again for an open marriage after marriage, getting a yes and then still cheating on her by breaking the open marriage contract.

          • Apparently I’m “judgmental” too because after years of marriage and a small child, I didn’t heartily accept “I can’t be happy and monogamous.”

        • Martha dear, the Christian ones are the worse of the lot. Mine and a bunch of other ones I now. They’re holy cheaters. It is soooooo scary, they are so fucked up. Do not see themselves as anything other than holy .After the shit hit the fan and he was outed my blood pressure went sky high and I landed in the hospital, the holy one offered to pray for me. I was so shocked by the offer that all I could answer was, “no, thank you”.

      • i heard that too… … .. ALL THE TIME!! he would always tell me that i was TOO JUDGMENTAL…

        i am super sorry that i did not think his crack whores sisters (who literally had sex with a man they just met so they could score drugs) and his drunk, jobless, cousin who is 40 years old and rides a bike everywhere because he lost his drivers license and has 8 kids that he never sees or supports by 5 different woman….. … .. are people i want to hang around and spend time with…

        i am super sorry that i work too f*cking hard for my money and everything i have in my house, yard and garage just to give it to someone who CHOICES not to work and asks for hand outs all the time because they would rather stay up all night partying so they can sleep all day instead of getting a real job…

        i am so very sorry that i think his sister who has hickies all over her neck and down her chest which is so proudly displayed and jokingly pointed out came from 3 different men.. … .. is a good example to be around my 13 year old daughter!!!

        and sadly, i do not think his drunken friends who live in broken windows/door/floors, toilets flithy and not working, cock roach infested, disgustingly dirty houses were any place i wanted to sit and visit for 8 pm to 4 am….8 hours!!! in a house i couldnt even pee in or sit down at??!?!?! and damn sure not houses i would take my children into…..

        yep, damn me for having standards and being judgemental!!! hahaha

        fucking losers.

    • Your ex is now officially dubbed Sir Wonderfulanymore. Her Majesty taps the flat of the sword on the right shoulder and then the left shoulder. ‘Arise, Sir Wonderfulanymore’.

  • “Why would I bother apologizing since you won’t believe me anyway?”

    “I’m not going to stay in a relationship where you’ll just hold it over my head for the rest of my life and treat me like a pile of slave meat.”

    “We’ve been in love for years and I can’t get her out of my heart and I don’t want to try.”

    Is there a category for surly teenager quotes?

    • Oh god, Wasband was 100% surly teenager. Any request for him to participate in the household was met with eye rolling, heavy sighs, indistinguishable grunts, one word answers or snide remarks that were versions of “you’re not the boss of me.”

  • There was a theme throughout our marriage where the blame, 99.9% of the time, arrived at my doorstep.

    While in divorce court, the judge was made aware that he was behind on taxes. His actual reply to the judge (pointing in my direction =>) “It’s HER fault !!! SHE didn’t do her JOB!!!” LOL – the judge just stared at him. (We had a business and he wouldn’t let me touch the accounting program we had).

  • Let’s see. When I told him that I wasn’t sure we could afford 25000$ for that new car he’d put an option on and he yells: “See, you just can’t stand me.” Not sure what liking him has to do with our bank account ??

    Or when he said to me one night “now that we’re getting a divorce you can tell me the truth that you slept with our neighbor.” Uh nope never slept with anyone but now I know that YOU did ! Only a guilty idiot would say something so stupid.

    • He wanted to spend $40,000 on a Ford Taurus that we didnt need and couldnt afford. Mind you he insulted me on a minute to minute basis and I did not return his insults, but the day he asked me “permission” (read: “blame her if this doesnt work out”) to buy it, I told him no and that his last few car purchases were “stupid” (because they were) and he went apeshit and literally ran through the house smashing things (inclugind a 7 ft high lamp my son and I made together).

      If I smashed stuff every time he insulted me we would have been living on a pile of rubble

    • Blah ha ha. Yes, and then I can get you drunk and give you my car keys. You’re responsible enough to be trusted, right?

  • Oh and “I will not listen to any negativity anymore” well good for you sunshine you must live in the land of unicorns!!

    • “You never see the bright side. How many times do I have to apologize like I’m not worthy?”

      “You’ve NEVER ONCE apologized to me about any of it!”

      “You KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I helped you dye your hair that one time and it took HOURS!”

      ?????

  • I just want us all to be happy….WTF, so by leaving me and our 12yr old in a river of snot and tears, putting our family home up for sale,selling our two gorgeous dogs as we have to move into a house with the smallest garden ever is making just who happy? Oh yes you and Ms diamond encrusted vagina, no one else, but still, as long as you’re happy….

    • My stbx wanted to be happy, he said.. So he lied, cheated, betrayed, raged, had tantrums, said he was moving out while he came and went at all hours to be with 22 y.o. from work. Then one morning after he’d been MIA all weekend again I snapped asking what do you think you’re doing? He cried “Ok ok Im leaving!” And I said, “You have been saying that for weeks – why are you still here?!”
      And then this pitiful little pouty voice says, “I don’t have anywhere to go!”
      Ugh. What a buttmunch.

      So being a nasty, lying, cheating bully makes him happy. She can have him. He someday will be showering her with happiness, too.

      • Oh Lord sounds like my ex wife..would pack her bag and leave on Friday and come home Sunday drunk and happy as shit after another weekend “with the girls”…while I was home with our daughter and menagerie of pets. Finally she told me she wasn’t in love with me and was leaving, but wanted to stay several months “to save up”..3 weeks of that hell I told her to get out. I swear the more I read on this site the more I see just how unoriginal these cheating slime asses all are.

  • “I feel good when I’m with her,” my husband explained. “But I start feeling guilty and anxious when I’m on my way home to you.”

    Yeah, it’s ME and not his conscience that makes him feel guilty and anxious. LOL.

    • Yes, adult responsibilities make him guilty and anxious. It’s so much easier to live the life of PeterPan.

      • A couple months into trying to reconcile (he was still lying about how many women&years) he started in on how HE had PTSD for when I came home and come to his desk. That maybe his tension and fear in that moment derived from his choice to have fucked someone online that day never occurred to him. It was my fault for provoking the realization that all that fun sexy times was cheating on his wife, who just came home from an actual workday to ask, nicely, how his went.

        I also go told that I was telling him his remorse was unsatisfactory. Well, yes! I needed a shit ton more apologies, work on his inability to have integrity when scared or ashamed. I was, just like in our whole marriage, viewing him as a competent capable good person. He was resentful of that expectation because he just wanted to have sexy times with lots and lots and lots of women. While eating cake, since we did have a house and kids that he also wanted.

    • Yes Lyn. I got this from Mr. Cheater, “She makes me happy!” Well La De Dah! Let’s just throw away 41 years of marriage for the whore that makes you happy! What an asshole! They don’t seem to give a rats ass that everyone else is miserable! That just doesn’t enter their “air space”!

      • It can’t enter the air space because they have no empathy. They are the victim. We are the mean angry bitter people. I am mean angry and bitter because stbx lives with 22 yo. I went to lawyer for support and payment of legal fees and he whinned and cried how I’m out to destroy him!! I am evil!!! But he will survive!! Drama.
        I just don’t see lying cheating, abandonment and abuse as family values like he does. No wonder i made him so unhappy.

      • My ex whore told my daughter that same thing over and over ..”what about MY happiness?”…while she was screwing our daughters boyfriends father …2 years later our son never speaks to her and our daughter texts her but refuses to go to her apartment with Mr Wonderful. Maybe in her twisted head she did find happiness, but personally I would be miserable if I didn’t talk to or see my kids. Just bizarre.

      • Before finding chump lady and going no contact, asshole said to me, “I’m happy with her,” but whined and complained about her kids, having to find babysitter’s, having to give money to help support her kids, blah, blah, blah. Said he misses things not living here. Oh, well, he’s 61 now playing grandpa daddy! Have fun with that!

  • How about “We got together so young, I just never got to play the field or tour Europe.”

    And “I think I am so attracted to young people because I never really got to experience the things I needed to experience as a teenager.”

    And “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would be mad at me.”

    And, classic, “You aren’t giving me what I want.”

    Translation of all above: “Me me, mine mine, I wanna, I wanna, WaaaaaAAAAAAH!”

    • “you aren’t giving ME what I want” and “this isn’t working for ME” was x’s constant refrain during any communications after he cut and ran when our youngest turned 18.
      ME ME ME ME ME ……..
      Reminds me of the damned seagulls in Finding Nemo “Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine…..”
      WTF , is he a two year old.
      Took me reading over his Ashley Madison chats on the family computer to realize x does not love anybody or anything more than himself and his penis.
      And yeah x had this annoying habit that my oldest tried to diplomatically point out to him was a bit indiscrete.
      He would unconsciously (I hope) adjust himself in public and even worse while speaking with somebody. Don’t know but publicly touching his genitals seems rather rude and creepy, different from scratching his ass in public.
      Further cements the image of a giant toddler in my mind.
      “you aren’t giving me …… waaaaAAAH”

      .

      • Just Another Chump – touching himself in public . . . kind of like a chimpanzee. Does he fling shit at people as well? He’s in touch with his inner primate!

      • Just another chump- my cheater exh did this too!!!! I thought it was just me! Adjusting, itching, constantly complaining That out child was thumping him in the nuts when they would rough house. Ugh. I told him he just needed to always wear a cup. He was so worried about his balls

        • Mmmhmm,

          Funny how they value their nuts like some deranged little squirrel (MINE,MINE,MINE)

          I really don’t know if x knew how distracting (revolting) this action was. I honestly don’t know if my eldest ever got through to him about his constant “adjusting”. We all know we can absentmindedly do things, scratch an itch located near our nether regions or boobs or touch/wipe around our noses or mouths but jeez rearranging the family jewels while talking to somebody (PLEASE NOTE HE DID THIS WITH PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF FAMILY).
          And to realize he says he left me because “Wifey never supported him” ; yeah putting my career, friendships, extended family in the rear view mirror while putting him through school and constantly displacing my kids while he climbed his career ladder wasn’t support enough.
          Really liked the comment about how he got in touch with his inner primate. Wish I could have flung some monkey doo at him.

      • When X would do something as routine as emptying the garbage, he would mention it to me all day, hey, did you see I emptied the garbage.. I’d reply, yes, thanks , I appreciate that. (as if he didn’t live here). About a 1/2 hour later, you know I emptied the garbage, again.., thanks.. “you’re a good helper.” I didn’t say you’re a good helper but I might have. It would go on and on. If I didn’t reply to him, he would say I didn’t appreciate him and what all he does around here…, yeah, right.

        It’s always about them, me, me, I want, I don’t like, I’m better, look at me, I’m a nice guy.

        Do they ever think about what anyone else might like, or not like?
        There’s no question that they don’t appreciate what they have.

        • I don’t remember X thanking me for cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, mopping the floor etc… but then again I never asked or mentioned what I had done 20 times a day.

        • Haha, this is so my (current, married for going on twenty years) husband! He requires extensive praise for doing the most basic of tasks. My mom has noticed it, too. It’s annoying, but. I realize how much in short supply any kind of positive reinforcement was for him as a little boy growing up in an abusive home. We have more issues than the periodical room at the Library Of Congress, but I try not to let his need for constant accolades get to me too much.

          There’s enough other stuff to make me tear my hair out!

      • My ex did that too, and he was a public speaker…WTF??? I have always been too ashamed to verbalize it before, but I consciously noticed it even before D-Day. Some form of mini-self-gratification??

      • Skankboy would constantly adjust his balls in public to the point people would tell ME how disgusting it was to see that. When he was asleep on the couch I would find him with one hand down his pants and the other holding the remote. I will tell him about it, he’d just look at me in anger. Fuck him, glad to be away from that 12 year old.

        • You know how you have two things–one in each hand, and you intend to put the keys on the counter and throw away a piece of paper, but get it backwards? Did your X ever stroke the remote, and try to adjust the volume with his …..?

    • OMG, my bio-dad said ALL of those! It’s sad it’s only now, in my thirties, that I can even begin to process what he put Mom and me through.

  • When giving me one of the reasons his affair was *all my fault*, he stated, “You never even go to watch me play hockey anymore!”

    • Rumblekitty, you wouldn’t watch him play hockey, eh. I hope you told him to puck off! Too bad he couldn’t keep his stick on the ice.

    • OMG – I got the… “you won’t watch my shows with me…” He actually wanted me to get up at 5am to watch DVR recordings of the Walking Dead as a way to improve our intimacy as a couple.

      When he left me… he bragged how the OW watches it with him and in return he watches Downton Abbey with her.

      Not sure what they’ll do now that both shows are cancelled?!

      • I got the, “You won’t go and smoke a cigar with me!” Seriously, he thought he was SO cool cause his married cheating cunt would go to bars after work with him and smoke cigars. Fucking asshole! I was home taking care of our one year-old son while he was out with his cunt office manager.

      • OMG I got the same thing about TV shows. One of his reasons for leaving was that I don’t like the same movies and TV shows that he does. I used to watch Big Bang Theory while I folded laundry. He hated the show and you should have seen him laying on the bed (while I folded laundry!) looking daggers at me because how dare I enjoy a TV show he doesn’t like instead of watching one of his!

        • One of the things X was excited about and mentioned to me before I knew she was his AP, is that they like the same TV program, South Park, and Family Guy!
          I later found out it was just one of the things they had in common. She was his something different and his someone he had more in common with than me.
          20 years of marriage, a child, and family ties, life paled in comparison to watching South Park
          together..,

          • Oh. My. God. We like totally like the same TV shows and the same bands and when we went to the mall we figured out we totally like the same flavor slushie so we only got one and drank out of The Same Straw. When you meet your soul mate, you totally just know, am I right?

          • Sweet fancy moses – it’s like they take a class. I never actually saw irrefutable proof of inserting Tab A into Slot B, but DDay for me was more along the lines of I would find his car over at her place… because he would try and hide it there, and then I would turn left and find it (because he’s super lazy and bad at this). So anyway, after one round of this… I said “well what are you doing if you are not fucking her”. Him: Well we really like the same TV and movies and she will sit and watch shows with me.

            .. but in the words of my friend Eric – you don’t hang out with a girl like that and not get your dick wet. So I suspicious that he was not being forthcoming.

            • I was told they were on a business trip together and “watched movies”

              After DDay, he said they were a better couple than he and I because they both had really similar stories of their dads farting in public when they were little kids

              I shit you not…and at the time I didnt realize how childish that sounded…sweet baby Jesus

        • Probably sees too much of himself in Sheldon and can’t stand that he is ridiculed regularly!

      • I had almost forgotten that the ex said the same things to me about TV shows and apparently since we only had one TV in the house, he couldn’t occupy his time for 1 hour, once a week, without losing his shit. “How can you watch that? It’s so stupid! You’re an adult that watches Teen Mom and you don’t see anything wrong with that?” I mean I hated some of the shows that he liked, so instead I would play on my phone instead of constantly complaining about what he wanted to watch. Then he complained that I was on my phone too much. Can’t win.

    • Sounds like my ex, with his “You don’t like playing board games enough,” reason for the end of the marriage. Oh, and unlike me, the OW “liked accompanying ex to business mixers”, so he claimed.

      • GladItsOver–the “you didn’t play enough board games” is my favorite.reason.ever for cheating. Hands down, bar none. No one else can touch its absurdity.

    • Same here, and it was roller hockey, lol. I was supposed to pay attention to the game and be his personal cheerleader instead of chasing our toddler children all around the filthy rink.

    • My almost 50 yr old ex played Magic the Gathering …..I’m embarrassed to say that out loud. He would fly all over the country on our money playing magic card tournaments. He wanted to be good enough to play the pro tour when he retired from the fire dept.
      He was always pissed that I didn’t ditch our two kids to go watch him play wherever he was flying to. He says his new schmoopie is willing to show her her love by going with him when her kids are with their prospective fathers every other weekend( 3 kids, 3 dads). He says she sits behind his chair and reads and spends time with him between rounds. He says she’s interested to learn about it, because he loves it and she loves him. . No boo, she’s willing to learn about it because you make a three figure salary and she would like the other half of the pension that I didn’t take.
      Yep….forget that I raised two kids, kept a job and a house……I didn’t appreciate the magic cards….that’s where I went wrong. Lol
      My ex also acted like every time he would put a dish in the sink he deserved a parade in his honor. I would stay up past midnight trying to keep up on the house sometimes, not a word from him…
      Buh- bye. So glad he’s gone.

    • I heard this too! Yes, not going to his 11:00 pm hockey games when we had three children at home and I had to be at work at 7:30 am the next day gave him the sadz. He didn’t feel important enough. All my fault.

  • “You’re a snoop! Always looking at my text messages! How does it feel to be a snoop!?”

    This was after I found a message on his phone to one of his clients telling her she had a nice ass.

    He pitched the same kind of fit my teenagers would when I asked to see their phones ?

    • My husband told me it made him very angry that I got into his private journal. I came right back with, “It makes me very angry you’re in love with another woman.” He had nothing to say after that.

      • I wish it had occurred to me to read my ex’s journal. I trusted her completely and never for a second thought that her “recording important life events” was in reality me being evaluated and found wanting.

    • This one always gets my goat. You’re mad that I about invaded your privacy once (to find out what you were lying about) when you were lying to me for years about every promise you ever made for this relationship?

      I’m with Lyn. You think you have a reason to be mad, Douchebag? Watch this.

    • My 13 yo acts like this. “Oh my Gooooooodddd, you’re so nosy!!!”. I tell her I have to get creative (I hack into her social media accounts and such) when she is not being honest with me. I usually don’t reveal my sources or tell her everything I know, but I frequently remind her of the investigative training I went through for the decade+ I was married to her father. She should be afraid.

  • I was told by wingnut husband whom fucked the 22yr old office chick and got her pregnant after a month of fucking that his name should have been Dirk Dickler that he was born to fuck and should have made around 1000 porn movies by now. Wow just fucking wow! I am now fighting the tosser to keep my home and am raising our 3 children while he is engaged to fairy floss with baby no 2 in the way! 47 year old douche lord.

    • Ahh ha ha, this guy is a certifiable nutjob. For someone who wants to fuck around, he goes and impregnates someone who was a teenager 5 minutes ago and gets engaged to marry her. Nutcase all around.

    • I usually just lurk but I had to post after reading this! After finding out that my husband was not only cheating on me with his high school girlfriend but he was also swinging with another woman, he told “I fuck and I’m good at it!”

        • Hey sour, yep my ex grandfather daddy, going to be a father at the ripe age of 53!
          You see grandfather fucker aka scumbalina, going to be whore turned mom at 23!
          My daughter 26 and son 22. We have two grandkids!
          Guess that PeterPan syndrome is in for rude awakening!
          More responsibilty does not make you more responsible.
          Happy trails to them both!
          Feel sad and pity at same time.

          • older fathers have a significantly higher rate of kids with mental health issues that manifest in early adulthood. I dont wish suffering on these kids but its real so the dads will be in their 70s with dependent children – very sad !!

            • Yes, Someone mentioned similar information regarding older men becoming parents.
              Added to the fact that the 23yr old momma to be, had been baker acted a couple times. Yikes almighty talk about recipe for disaster. Makes me want to vomit.
              This I might add, leads me to feel sad and pity at the same time.

      • They ALL think they’re “good at it”, and I told that to the last douche that uttered that drivel “I’ve yet to have a single man tell me he sucks at it, y’all just don’t realize how “not great” you are!” Idiots.

        • Being “good at it” is a load of crap. You know what makes sex amazing for me? Me being totally into the other person, feeling happy, feeling the other person is super into me, feeling unrushed and unstressed and open and safe and mutual and free of pressure to perform or become some stupid fantasy version of a person.

          You know what makes it boring and useless for me? Some idiot being hyperfocused on his own ridiculous ego and/or performance and/or whether I am impersonating a hooker or a porn star.

          You want to be good at sex? It starts with not being a narcissistic asshole.

      • A friend of mine told her cheater “Dogs can fuck”.

        I have no idea why these guys bother to fight getting divorced; that’s what they want, to be single, isn’t it????

  • “You always say no.” To me saying that he didn’t need to spend money on another new toy for himself while we were struggling financially. He was, of course, gas lighting me and trying to make me feel guilty all while intending to purchase whatever he wanted regardless of whether I eventually came around to it.

    He also legitimately threw a tantrum when I wouldn’t give him his birthday gift early. I ended up caving because I couldn’t take the dramatics.

  • Last Sunday was Mother’s Day and also the very first overnight visitation my child had with my STBX, Robert. Robert (who now happily lives a full hour away in a different state) drove my child back over to our town and took my son to a lovely lunch just blocks from our home. On Mother’s Day. Without me.

    • My XH also took our son to lunch on Mother’s Day, with XMIL. Because “it’s 1st weekend. That means it’s my day and my right to have him.”

      DS17 was so pissed off he refused to speak to Old Battleaxe, aka Grandma. Narc XH yelled and threatened. Son held firm. XH squealed the car around and dumped Son off at home, who was hungry but triumphant.

      Teenage drama and toddler tantrums. Happy Mother’s Day to me.

    • No custody/visitation agreement in place? Mine is specific about holidays, including Mother’s/Father’s Day. I usually follow the agreement where my days are concerned. My ex skips his visitation about half the time, and has ironically missed all 3 Father’s Days since we separated.

      • Well, we have a modified visitation schedule in place due to a finding of domestic violence. S17 must see XH for 4 hours on the 1st, 3rd and 5th Sunday from noon to 4pm in a public place. Any other visitation is at discretion of child. It was the best I could get and S17 is otherwise NC with XH. It just so happened that Mother’s Day fell on the 1st weekend this year. Can’t wait till S17 is S18 and free from Toddler Dad.

          • I hate to wish away my teen’s last year at home but every time we get a month closer to his birthday next March, he and I do a little boo-yah fist bump.

            And, when I describe Toddler Dad here on the blog, he seems eye-rollingly pathetic but in real life, Toddler Dad is scary and deeply unsettling to our son. No child should have to manage life with an entitled, selfish 53-year old father who likes to emphasize the “possession” in the Possession Order.

            • Yes on scary. What makes them scary is that they have toddler logic, toddler whims, toddler impulse-control, toddler anger-management issues, etc. but they are in adult bodies and can be mistaken for adults. They are able to do real damage when they become enraged, and are even able to get legal backing for their vindictive actions. My experience with the court system and my toddler-ex is that there isn’t enough time/judicial attention to expose him as a selfish liar whose every deed is disguised as for the kids’ best interest, but is really to satisfy his own. He gets what he wants in court by pretending to be a loving and active father. The court swoons, ‘omg, a dad who gives a crap! Give him everything he wants!’. He gets whatever he wants for visitation on paper, thereby reducing his child support to a laughable number, only shows up half the time, and the court is none the wiser.

              • Not trying to thread-jack here but Toddler Dad’s tantrums turned into uncontrollable narcissistic rage when he went through my bag and found the divorce attorney’s contract. He did enough real damage to enable me to get a protective order for DV. However, the judge liked his sobbing regret and deep longing to reconnect with our teenage son. Hence, the limited visitation. So now S17’s junior and senior years of high school, which are stressful enough in their own right, have become all about Disordered Dad.

            • Sounds like your son is ready to say,”Enough!” So long as you don’t encourage his decision, there really isn’t a damn thing a judge can do when a 17 year old refuses visitation. Your son is not a party to the proceedings and, despite the antics of a few wing-nut judges, the court really doesn’t have the authority to force your son to have continued contact with his dad…but this has to be a decision he has made on his own without your influence.

              • I wish that were the case. But I have to produce child at noon or X can file a Motion to Enforce Visitation and judge will find me in contempt (fine or jail time), assess me attorney fees and give X makeup visitation time. So sayeth the judge.

                So I produce. Then it’s up to Son. He does a very effective sullen and ungrateful teenage act but it costs him. The day before visitation is always horrendous at my house.

  • Me: “How can you just walk out on your special needs daughter? She needs you.”

    Him: “This is what I need.” (about the AP)

    and…

    Me: “So you don’t love me anymore?”

    Him: “Not the way you love me.”

    and…

    Him: “I’ve changed.” (Regarding being married)

    Me: “Well then CHANGE BACK!!!”

    • That’s just like the first excuse I heard.

      I was curious!

      I saw two guys doing it in (insert location of local public restroom) and it sparked an interest.

      This was later changed to demonic possession. And that it was my fault for being such a negative bitch.

      • Oh yes Thankful I got that too. “You’re always negative”. Yes the wife tends to be negative when hubs is being a slut ,blowing half the retirement savings; abusing lying and refusing to work. Go figure!

        • Ugh, what is it with cheaters and “negativity”? If I tried to point out that it was tough to make it as an actor, and maybe ex should have a day job while he tried to make it big, he would furiously brush his hands across his lap and hiss, “I’m brushing away your negativity!”

  • “It just happened”….yeah, like accidently knocking a glass off the counter. (eye roll)

  • At the dinner table one night my sons jokingly asked my STBX (a 46 year old “man” if he was a nerd in high school. He jumped out of his chair, pounded his fists on the table and yelled LOUDLY “I had more friends than any of you do–COMBINED!!” and he stormed off. We didn’t know if we should be scared or start cracking up. It was alternately one of the most hilarious and most pathetic displays I’ve ever seen!

    • LynnZi, my ex made a very similar statement….in a counseling session, the therapist asked us to think back to our high school years and how we felt about ourselves and relationships that may have impacted how we feel today. Ex asked what he meant so the therapist said an example would be someone who was, say a nerd, may feel like the popular girls aren’t really interested in them as boyfriends but may use them, etc. Ex jumped up and said “I wasn’t a nerd, I was a jock and all the girls wanted to be with me!”. Like you, neither of us knew what to say and the therapist didn’t bring up the question again in the next session. I assume he understood what he was dealing with by ex’s reaction.

      • I had a similar experience with x one day, he came home and told me about how his day was going. He had just gotten some reading glasses, and he tells me, “I was walking downstairs from the office and I forgot I had my reading glasses on.” I said something to the effect that it was good that he remembered them because he worked in a grocery store and he probably would have misplaced them. He turns around and tells me that his main concern was that his co-workers would see him with those on and it would be embarrassing, because he was the “cool guy”. He was working at a grocery store, he was 44 yo and he has not been “cool” a day in his sorry life hahaha. And his “posse”, which schmoopie is included in, are some of the most unattractive, nerdy, mama’s boys you will ever find. Schmoopie has had a round with at least 2 out of the 4 mama’s boys in his posse, but let the coolness prevail!!!! Who in the hell thinks of themselves as the “cool guy” anyway…idiots all of them!!!!

  • Here are a couple of good ones. Cheater or child?

    1. “I do what I do.”
    2. “If you don’t want to see, don’t look.”
    3. “I was afraid you wouldn’t let me go fishing.”
    4. “I don’t want to tell you.”
    5. “I don’t know why I did it.”

    There’s a good mix of both cheater and child in there! Hard to tell the difference, isn’t it?

    • And the classic “You can’t tell me what to do” and “I know something you don’t know.”

      • This beloved phrase that came my way one fateful day: ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’.

        Yeah, and what HE didn’t know was I had just gone to the courthouse and filed a notice of eviction on his ass.

        30 days later, his ass was removed from my lovely Hill Country ranch. His next home was the homeless shelter…hehehehehe

        Don’t try to be funny with me, asshole.

    • After making a $20g purchase without telling me, he said – I make all the money and I can spend it any damn way I want! waaahhh

  • When I filed adultery as a second count charge as part of my divorce complaint after the original filing, he counter filed with “You were well aware of the timeline of when you first filed, you just doing this as retaliation for my challenging the pre-nup”

    UBT Baby Translator: Stop holding me accountable, waaaaahhhhhaaaaaa… sadz face

  • Mine lied to me and told me he was in Witchita for work. When I figured out he was still actually in DC, I went to his office. That morning we had been texting and I told him we were out of coffee at the house, he said “I have a 5lb bag at the office, I’ll swing by and get it on my way home (from the “airport”)”. So when I went to his office, I used grabbing a bag of coffee beans as an excuse, but waited to confront him patiently about why he was lying to me (here, I continued to be lied to and gas lighted). I took the coffee with me, and back to the house, when I left (thinking, “we’re going to laugh about this someday”).

    Four weeks later, when I was moving out and taking the full force of his name-calling, devaluing, demeaning behavior… He was drinking the coffee which I had put in the cabinet, and he said, “And you stole a bag of coffee from my office. You’re a thief!!”

  • Fuckwit arrived home one day, looked at me and said “I’ve been a bad boy”. He was 50 at the time.

    • UGH. I heard my uncle say that after admitting a 10 year affair with a young woman with which he had a child, while still married to my aunt. They’d been married 50 years when she found out.

    • After finding out he cheated on a trip, he was making arrangements to go on another trip with same guy friend.

      Me: I thought we agreed you would not go on this trip with Fuckbuddy?
      Him: I’ll be a good boy (65 @ the time)

      Yuck.

  • After kicking cheater out and him begging me to go with him to MC so we could ‘work through this’, I asked several times over several weeks if we could sit down and talk about the situation. Each time, he had an excuse or suggested that we go to dinner, a movie, etc. instead. When I finally insisted that we talk, he adamantly said “No, I just want to do fun things”. Imagine a toddler stomping his foot and saying that – which is exactly what it was like.

    • This…I just want to have fun…if I die tomorrow I don’t want talking about our marriage or counseling to be the last thing I do! as well as, but I like being secretive, sneaky and living, people like me when I lie, don’t you want people to like me? Last one, “I don’t think you like me!” When I asked again, before DDay, about our complete lack of sex and affection on his end for the past ten years….this I heard for about three years. That and, “Do you think I know?? Do you think I’m purposely doing this to you?? What kind of person do you think I am?” Gasp. Jerk.

      • Yeah. I heard a lot about “can’t we just forget about all of it (multiple infidelities) and move on with our lives? Why do you have to keep that look on your face all the time? Of course when we go out I’m going to notice attractive women and it does things in my brain. Get over it!”

        This was Mother’s Day when my husband wouldn’t stop staring at every piece of ass passing by us. Yeah, I might have looked quite depressed and just wanted to go home.

        “How many days are you going to wreck over this?”

        • Also, it was my first Mother’s Day. I hate Mother’s Day now. He wrecked the next year too. Got really Verbally Abusive and then tried refusing to take me to Mother’s Day Brunch that my parents had paid for. What a dope, as of he was going to show up to Mother’s Day Brunch with my parents, WITHOUT ME. Seriously.

  • Yet another display from my STBX: On Fathers Day two years ago he was gone all day in a fishing trip with “the guys” abd does not invite our 16 year old twin boys who love to fish. I had made a dinner of all his favorites that was waiting for him when he came home drunk. After dinner he said he was going to nap because it was a long day “fishing”. I told him to let me know when he wanted dessert and I would make up strawberry shortcake (his fave). 10pm and he’s still crashed, so I go to bed. The next day he called his Mom and started whining to her ” she didn’t even make me my dessert in Fathers Day! I had no dessert!!” Waaaah, waaaah, waaaah crybaby. Turns out “fishing trip” is code for screwing the skanky OW. What a guy!

    • Every year on my ex’s birthday I used to make him pineapple upside down cake. It had to be made in a skillet just like his mom made, and it took me years to perfect the recipe. The last year I was so proud because the cake came out perfect. I remember carrying it carefully up the stairs to show him how I’d finally gotten it perfect.

      When I was moving out, I tore up that recipe in tiny little pieces and left it on the counter.

      • My ex raved about his mom’s banana cream pie and said it was his favorite. One year for his birthday I found a great recipe and spent a lot of time making it from scratch with homemade crust, whipped cream, and filling. It was delicious. His response? “It’s ok, but not as good as my mom’s.” I asked what his mom does differently and his face lit up when he said “She uses banana pudding from a box and Cool-Whip!” Groan.

        • My ex-now dead MIL was like that. When newly married, I made souffles and really yummy stuff all from scratch. When she came to visit, she picked at her food, and turned her nose up at a strawberry souffle for dessert. Next time that old bat came. Dinty Moore Stew from a can (the closest thing to dog food and still be rated for human consumption) covered with whacko biscuits (as in whack them on the side of the counter to open them, pillsbury fake food items) I can’t remember if she ate that more gladly but I will tell you I picked at my food.

      • I surprised my ex by making her a cake for her birthday one year, using her family’s recipe. I’m not much of a baker, so when the recipe called for a cup of vinegar for the icing, I went with it. Needless to say it was horrible; turns out the “cup” of vinegar was actually a “cap” where the top of the a hadn’t been closed as written.

        I was bound and determined to get it right, so I started the process over and got it right the second time. She said she was touched, as I was the first boyfriend or husband to ever have made her a birthday cake. It might not have been much, but in the midst of a severe depressive spell it seemed like a major accomplishment to me. Six months later she left me.

        • If a man baked me a cake and accidentally used a cup of vinegar in the frosting I would be utterly charmed. 🙂

          • How you doin?

            In all seriousness, thanks! I thought it was gonna be one of those things we laughed about together 40 years from now. I mean, I still get some mileage telling the story, but the loss of the shared history aspect stings. Oh well. Still had cake :oP

            • Ha! You’re funny, too.

              Yeah, it’s a bummer that we have to reframe those memories. I have a great one of my ex slipping in the shower and taking the shower curtain and rod down with him and both of us laughing hysterically at him splayed out naked and soapy on the floor. No matter how hard I try, my brain always imagines a different result from his fall…”how did you get THAT stuck in there??”

  • Child: “I”m rubber and you’re glue…shit bounces off me and sticks to you.”
    XH: “if you tell anyone I cheated…I’ll tell them you refused to have sex with me.”

  • A few months after the temporary court orders had been filed, I learned that he had changed the names on titles, policies, withdrew a big chunk from the 401k, and went on spending sprees, hooker binges, trips etc.

    My attorney filed a Contempt of Court motion against him. His reply as to why he stopped paying my attorney fees : “Then tell him to stop punishing me”.

    • During our divorce hearing my almostX lied on the stand implying that I was not a good mother. My oldest son was in the gallery. After it was over he approached his father and asked him why he had said lies about me under oath. His answer was classic toddler, “her lawyer was beating up on me!”

      • My STBX has perjured himself numerous times and lied to the police to get 100% physical custody of the kids (he now has less than 15%), probably so that he would not have to pay child support, much of which he does not pay. He also accused members of my family and me of molesting and neglecting the kids (he’s the one who has hit them with a belt) and trying to rape him, a man who is several inches taller than me, many pounds heavier than me. He has also taken our kids to police stations to get them to provide ‘evidence’ that one of my relatives molested them (absolutely not true). (One of my kids told me about this incident, even though ‘Daddy’ told him to keep the trip to the police stations a secret.) On the way out of the courthouse one day after describing my (imaginary) theft of some of his paperwork for nearly half an hour, he said, ‘Sorry…It (divorce by trial) is just a game,’ implying that the ends justify the means, that it’s OK to commit perjury, even if you are accusing your innocent spouse of heinous crimes, to get what you want. Sociopath.

  • When we were in the process of divorce and dividing our stuff, there were some books we shared, including a full set of a young adult series we both had some interest in (not valuable). He wanted only the first volume, and generously insisted I take the rest of them. I said take or leave the whole set. He actually laid on his back on the floor kicking his arms and legs and screaming at me that I was mean and then he jumped up and grabbed the first volume and left the house with it.

    The next morning he left the book where I’d find it with a note “sorry I don’t want to cause you trauma by taking this book so important to you.” I made sure to have a witness with me for any further dividing of stuff, but he didn’t do the toddler tantrum again, just rages over everything. I can’t make this stuff up.

  • After I found out about ex hubs current and previous skanks he stated “It just happened. I never thought you would find out” This coming from the man who hit on married women through Facebook for years

    • Carrie – I got the same shit from my X! Having to explain to a fifty-year-old man that whether or not I found out does not negate the fact that he was a lying, sniveling, cheating bastard made me realize that staying with him would mean my brain would atrophy to the size and weight of a ping pong ball and I would end up drooling in a corner. No thanks!

  • Financial fraudster N family Abandoner got very excited after he got “permission” to leave from his father ( who had abandoned his family as well and as a narcissist advised his narcissist son to “do the right thing for HIMSELF..) So day of packing up and moving out the house he had lived in for 24 years Narcissist and I are standing outside, at that time I was still under the delusion that he was a good person deep down ( I didn’t know anything at the time about the shady financial deals ) who had been stolen away by that big mean wicked family friend whose own husband was very sick with Parkinson. The poacher had not children of her own and wanted to secure her future with a good healthy prospect for herself or so was my reasoning at the time, right? Here I am, still absolutely convinced of his good heart at this point and saying : “you are hurting the children and me so much, we love you…” His answer in a little boy voice on his way to the amusement park ( truly, not that of an adult at all, high pitch and all excited..) ” But I am not asking you guys to love me”….

    But the gem had happened the day before when he had declared that he had been unhappy in the family house because there was ” not enough pictures of him on the wall”…

    Oh another one…On account of his work, he travelled abroad every week for four days. Miss”Poacher” would stay with her sick husband when he was away and back to his house when he was in town for few days per week. His answer to this? ” she is so devoted to her common law husband, she doesn’t have one mean bone in her body”, sure, this from a woman who told her spouse she was leaving on Christmas eve ( poor very sick guy had to sell his large home and now lives in a room …)

    Sprinkle and icing covered turds… however I have noticed that while the narcissist jerk kept the excited boyish voice for a good few months after his departure, this is not happening anymore. Every time, there is a phone call to discuss finances or children the voice on the other side is pretty somber. Narcissists get into the ” don’t I deserve to be made happier by you” mode pretty fast….

    • What is it with the dramatic Christmas breakup announcement thing, even though they’ve been planning their exit for months? PreyingMantis assembled the whole family to tell them, “I’m moving back to the farm after DS18 is done with high school whether or not Sunny comes with me.” [Knowing that at that time I had serious health issues and was under doctor’s orders not to travel.] Then promptly moved back to the farm within two weeks and abandoned DS18 with me – and this is my stepson! (Who I love with all my heart like he’s my own.) However, PreyingMantis did manage to take the dog.

  • “You don’t have any friends. I have 5000 friends on Facebook.”

    My response: “durt, those aren’t your friends. You don’t even know most of them. They are acquaintances and groupies at best. Our actual friends, think you are behaving like a child and have been for some time.” He proceeded to call those friends, that were his friends first, and found out that I was telling the truth. He then attempted to call me and when I wouldn’t answer, and didn’t respond to his text to “call me. It’s important”, he called his mommie who lives with me and had her give me her phone. He wanted to tell me “you win. You get all my friends.” (All three of them). Followed by “its all over for me. I have nothing.” And other pity party phrases that alluded to him offing himself (I know that can happen, but for him it is a manipulation tactic). I texted that I would call slut puppet if he was not ok. He didn’t respond, so I told his mom and showed her the texts. She freaked out and called him. After she determined he wouldn’t do anything stupid, he called me to tell me to never scare his mom like that again. I told him if he says shit like that again I will not only tell his mom, I will call the police.
    I actually have plenty of good friends and family who support me. It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality. I should have known something was off when the people who attended our destination wedding were my friends and family and his mom (I paid for her) and our friend that I also paid for because his mom can’t fly alone. Everyone is tired of his using and abusing women. I am just glad I wiped up.

    • LOL, my ex also has 5,000 “friends” on Facebook. He’s never met most of them. Most of the rest are just watching his craziness to laugh at him. Despite having so many “friends,” not a one of them showed up to help him move.

      • From what I have read most of my ex’s friends on Facebook are the skanks he was sleeping with or women that he was “good friends ” with

        • I would put Durt’s number at at least 5% are women he has in play at any given time. Of course, he also has 100’s who have Unfriended him because he led them to believe they were in a relationship with him (yes, he is that convincing) with “I love you” and dick picks. THen they find out he is either living with someone or married (the clown can never never be without a main woman to live with, side sluts and a sexting harem). Some women spend years of their lives waiting for his promises to come through. And he just Keepslying and manipulating. Crazy.

  • – “I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I was meant to be all these years.”

    – “I’ve tried other things over the years (fitness, post-bachelors education) — but this is the thing that really makes me happy.”

    – “I crave attention from my husband TOO, you know.”

    • Jackass wanted time to “find himself” and “become a better person”–code for having time for the MOW.

  • I’m adding the “I Don’t Know Why!” category.

    Little Martin was sent to his room when his mother caught him sneaking some cookies from the plate before dinner. (This wasn’t his first offense.) Later when Martin’s father asked him why Mommy sent him to his room, Martin cried, “I don’t know why!!!”

    When Ashley discovered that her husband of 20 years, Dick (a 46 year old, successful business owner), had been storing porn on the family computer and exchanging lewd and lascivious emails with multiple women, she confronted him. A lengthy discussion was had about marital commitment and boundaries, etc. Ashley demanded transparency and passwords. Dick agreed to cease and desist (although he was a bit miffed as he was “only having fun” and all of those other women were “just friends”).

    Two years later, Ashley filed for divorce. Ashley had found out that Dick was a bigger asshole than she originally suspected… He had opened secret email accounts and had progressed to texts and phone calls and very likely other activities. Ashley knew her way around the computer and was smarter than Dick thought…. She was also over and done with being used.

    When Dick was served with divorce papers, he sent the following in an email to one of his “friends”:

    “Well, my wife wants a dissolution after 23 years, so I’m a little confused! Please use my new email. It is: _____.com and I’ll give ya all the dirt!”

    [During our divorce people came forward and told me of things that had been going on behind my back since the beginning of our marriage!! And he was a little confused that I wanted a divorce???]

  • The 60 year old bought a leather jacket from a neighbor and had a Harley Davidson emblem sewn on it so that he could look cool amongst his other “teenage” friends.

  • what childish shit has dribbled from my ex’s over utilised gob……..since D’day.

    Our marriage isn’t over she just thinks it is.

    People do not need to know what happen. It’s all in my past.
    ( yes D’day was a magical turning point in your 8 year double life. And your past was three weeks before that )

    Him, ‘You dragged my name through the mud.’
    Me, ‘well you laid down in it.’

    Me, ‘you expect me to treat you with respect and dignity, yet you show non’.
    Him, ‘I show you those things you just don’t realise it.’ ( yes I’m so stupid, your utter contempt is just a cover)

    Ex, to our children. Do not tell your mother were or when the wedding is I don’t want her showing up and abusing (insert name of desperate, gullible, needy chump here).

    And the most recent when asked when he plans to pay his half of our children’s uniform cost, of which I have already covered the full cost his half being a grand sum of $270.
    Him, ‘I won’t be paying it. I can’t afford it.
    But he can afford his current month long holiday/honeymoon in France with my replacement. When I refer to her as my replacement I mean it in the facade sense. He is a closeted gay man in a homophobic church. And ticks many of the Narc boxes. So it is all about the show.

    Adding to this shit he breached our parenting orders by going to the children’s school and requesting visitation to say goodbye claiming I had denied him access. He didn’t ask for additional visitation to say goodbye to the kids, he didn’t even tell me he was going to France for a month. I learnt his plans through friends and the children. And the school complied, on the assumption he was telling the truth. Plus He had even arranged for the two fuckwit elders of the cult he and I attended to come and pick up our kids on his weekends while he was away with no mention to me only to our kids. And because that was denied when he returns he expects time in lieu.

    I am very angry at the moment. And justifiably so.

    • Document, document, document. And you should be angry. You’ve done what you can to end this crap, and he is keeping it all going. You have all my sympathy.

      I suggest giving a custody schedule to the school. Tell them they need to call the appropriate parent to okay any changes that the other parent asks for. I spent 3 years sending custody schedules to an elementary school so that they would know when to contact me. By year 3, however, he had been banned from entering beyond the front desk.

      Why, you ask? Well, propositioning the elementary school teacher in front of the class and sending her creepy notes (under the pretense of communicating about our child’s school work) asking for a date. She was a solid 30 years younger than he was.

      • the school holds a copy of our custody orders, which clearly states that the children live with me and when he is entitled to visitation, the misogynist newly appointed principal stated because it did not say he couldn’t access the children at the school in the orders, he had the right to interperate them as he saw fit and with out contacting me as there was no need. i am now in the process of addressing this with the school board.

  • Not exactly in line with the theme here, but bear with me. When my ex-wife was out running around my then 5 year old daughter said, “Mommy lost her soul.”

    Sometimes, the child is far more wise and mature than the cheating spouse.

      • She’s 17 and now it’s a curse 🙂

        But she no longer lives with my ex. She spends most of her time with me, so I’m willing to live with her wisdom.

  • My ex claimed the main reason he had to “run away, start over, be free & break away” was because he has made lots of money over the years & he still doesn’t have the $250,000 fishing boat he’s wanted since he was 15. And I didn’t drive him behind his ski boat enough for him to become a professional waterskier(what?). He said, “This was all your fairy tale. Kids, house, family…” “I’m not going with your program anymore!” Sounds just like a kid who isn’t getting their way!
    I guess it’s all my fault he had a several year long affair & that his kids hate him now.

    Pathetic!

  • ” I want to spend all my money on myself”

    hmm. tricky when married with 3 children.

    ” I would have to crawl over broken glass for you to forgive me” ( This was said when I did not know the half of it). Now I cannot think of ANYTHING he could do for me to forgive him. He is a total arse. An arrogant, entitled, stingy, lying creep.

  • After cornering ex with cell phone records that proved she was contacting the boyfriend she promised to cut off communication with while we “worked on our marriage” she said…

    “I can’t help it!” and started crying. Wahhh! Divorce plans went into effect that day.

  • Mine complained bitterly when I didn’t get up at 4 in the morning with all the children, catch a train into London and watch him come over the finish line in a long distance paddling event. Claimed I wasn’t supportive. That’s after earning most of the money, doing all the housework and spending every weekend looking after the children for months so he could ‘train’.

    Oh and after giving up a proper well paid job, he thought that all his male friends would be envious when he got minimum wage zero hours contract work showing people how to drive landrovers.

  • “Do you know how rich I would be if I were single?” Said several months before DDay.

  • My ex is a vanilla cheater, not much fodder, but this is what he told our early teen:

    “I thought I could infinitely sacrifice my happiness for everyone else’s… My greatest lessons learned are say what you feel and don’t sacrifice yourself: the path of silent suffering will always be doomed to failure.”

  • When everything was coming out about his dozens of affairs, I started matching up the dates of the affairs with the stuff we had going on and realized that (amongst DOZENS of other affairs) while he was carrying on with a former ho-worker, a high school whoreheart and his last ex schmoopie from right before he and I started dating, I was in the middle of taking care of his mother who has dementia. The family was working on finding full time care for her. I offered to have her come live with us and I’d be her caregiver until she became more than I could handle. Ultimately it was decided to put her in one of those posh assisted living homes, but in the meantime, I spent weeks making and serving all of her meals, washing the clothing and bedding she’d started urinating in, doing her shopping, checking her blood sugar and making sure she took bet diabetes meds, keeping her company, indulging her delusions, etc. I loved the woman and if she’d known what he was up to, she’d have probably whooped his behind.

    Anyway, after I pointed this out, I asked him how he figured it was a good idea to screw his wife over in the middle of all that. He just shrugged his shoulders and said that the high school whoreheart made him feel appreciated aka kissed his ass sufficiently while I was busy making sure his mom didn’t fall down the stairs or forget to eat and had clean clothes. The ho-worker made great noises in bed and the ex, whom he carried on with, off and on throughout our entire marriage, “didn’t judge him” aka was just like him and never held him to anything.

    The common denominator: the affairs partners never challenged him, never called him out and had no real obligations for him to meet. So of course he’s the shit to them and they to him. THEY HAVE NO STANDARDS!

    • LastinLine…I did the same thing with his mother. I took care of her in our home for 3 months while I also worked from home for his company. Then later found her a nice assisted living facility only a few miles from us. I continued to take care of her meds and took her to her Dr.’s appointments. Later, her older sister who also has dementia moved to the same assisted living facility ( after I encouraged her to do so ). Found out later while I’m taking them to their appointments, he’s banging some whore in a hotel room. You are sooo right….they have no standards. None.

      • oh…and the money he used to pay for those whores. He stole it from his mother’s bank account.

        • He got his high school whoreheart to pay for their hotel rooms. I mean, sexist as it may sound or be, what kind of woman pays for the hotel room to bang a married man? And what man wants to bang a woman who’d be willing to pay for that??? Ones with no standards. That’s who.

      • Same story here. Every winter for 3-4 months I would care for his 87 year old mother while he was out banging whores. One night when he wasn’t home by 3 am, she called him to see if he was ok. Can you imagine being balls deep in your slut, the phone rings and it’s your mother???

    • Um . . . raising hand here. Me too.

      His dad became seriously ill. The VA had determined he was A-OK anyway, so they shipped him back to his house. My X gets a look at him and says just to be on the safe side, he’ll spend the weekend in our spare room. Turns out he was really bad off so when he brought Pops in, I said fuck this I’m calling an ambulance. (He was delusional, running a fever, etc.)

      About a month later, the hospital gets him well enough to discharge him. So without consulting me, he brings dad to live with us for awhile. I reluctantly agree, because I know my X’s family has a tendency to visit and never want to leave. Anyway, weeks go by, he’s doing OK, I’m making him delicious sandwiches and tasty dinners, getting his meds in order, running his fucking errands, ignoring the smell of poop and urine radiating out of my once fantastic guest room. By this time he was mentally fine, just an incredible slob. I found out one of the reasons the bedroom stank so bad was he was too lazy to use the bathroom and was instead, peeing in the corner into a wicker basket. A MOTHER FUCKING WICKER BASKET! I tell X this, and of course, I’m a bitch.

      So on D-day, after finding X in a hotel room with his now current wife, (giggle, giggle), I get home and tell his Dad. I said, “I just found X fornicating with someone who ain’t me in a hotel room across town. As you can see, I am quite dismayed. So pack your shit. I don’t know where you’re going, but more than likely X will take you to your sister’s house. Neither one of you can stay here.” He looks me dead in the eye like it no big fucking deal and said, “I don’t really feel like going anywhere today. Maybe this weekend?”

      Good times. The X told the planet what a horrible bitch I was for tossing him and his invalid father out into the street. He forgot to mention though, that Pops was giving him his credit card each week to fuck this broad. Since I handled the money, I never saw the charges off our checking account.

      Wow. Horribly off topic, but I got in the zone.

      • Sounds like your ex didn’t fall far from his father’s tree.

        I still haven’t totally come to terms with how much time, effort and overall investment I wasted on that prick.

      • Rumblekitty, not off topic. Total representation of immaturity by both.

        I was thinking that, had it been my experience, I would probably not get bail for double homicide, eh? I’m sure a good defence attorney could easily show justification to a jury though!!

        • I used to watch DiscoveryID and think, “Why are all these people going off the rails and killing their spouses?” Then you read some of the shit here and yep . . . I can see it. lol

          • I hear you. I would love to go to my father in laws house, (whom I have only met a couple times) ring the doorbell, and when he opens the door- kick him in the balls and then go back home. It’s a sad fantasy but I have it fairly regularly.

            • Oh totally get you on this. My fondest sci-fi nerd wish is to build a time machine, travel back 49 years, and slap the everliving shit out of disordered fuckwit’s disordered mother.

          • I would watch the Discovery Channel and ID Channel thinking the same thing. Why would anyone want to run over their husband fifty times or throw their husband in a vat of acid?? or hire a hit man??
            Today I don’t blame them and in fact I’m disappointed they get caught.

      • It’s a badass story about two generations of infantile males and one badass Rumblekitty. Peeing in the wicker basket? Toddler behavior. My toddler brother once peed out the car window on the Ohio Turnpike because my dad didn’t want to stop…

    • My ex decided to go full blown into an affair right when my dad suffered a head injury and was in the ICU. After D-day he said, “When your dad got hurt I hoped he would take longer to recover so you’d have to stay longer with him. I think a longer separation would have done us good.” This was from a man who had said many times that my dad was more of a dad to him than his own ever was. But suddenly wished my dad to be an invalid longer so it would help him to have his affair without me around.

      The most childish thing happened when I began riding his motorcycle with him (because as a chump I thought this would re-bond us) despite the fact I had developed quite the motorcycle phobia from being in a dirt bike accident as a child. One day we were riding on a congested interstate with tractor trailers sandwiching us in the middle lane. I had a panic attack and asked him to pull over. Instead of asking me if I was going to be okay he said in his best 5-year-old-like voice, “Does this mean you’re going to make me sell my motorcycle?”

      And after that I chumped along for another four years. I could write a book.

  • Mine said, “Social experiences are essential to the fibre of my being.” Huh??? I figured he meant having friends over and seeing movies, etc. but I guess he meant fucking a borderline in our family home. My silly.

  • Virago: “MoFaux, what is the problem here?”

    MoFaux: “Your face doesn’t light up (like it used to) when you see me.”

  • ME: I know you went home with a guy from the bar last night (just on a hunch)
    HER: Who told you?… Was it Sara? Grace? Mike?
    ME: No one, you just did.
    HER: (screaming) “great Cletus, trick me into telling the truth!

    That really happened!… the best fiction writer in the world couldn’t make this shit up!

    • Cletus… you win. Not that it’s a contest, but I’m genuflecting before you right now like Wayne & Garth, saying “we are not worthy, we are not worthy”! This was made of pure awesome. I guess the award is a cheater-free life, amirite? 😀

  • 12 months before D’day, over lunch with friends. Ex and I were asked how we met.
    Me,’we met at bible college’.
    Him,’ yeah Thankful was plan B,

    Wasn’t that the truth.

  • I also got the surly teen treatment during the affair and I couldn’t figure out what was up. Eye rolls, putting the phone down on me before we could say good bye properly (after all the convo was over). He said I was “disrespecting” him. We had real teens at the time and they never said that to me 🙁

  • He destroyed a twenty-two year relationship and blew up the lives of our two young kids because he wasn’t having enough fun. Followed up by, “I never got to do the things I wanted to do!” (News to me.)

    And his greatest hits:

    “I want a life of spontaneity.”

    “You were the least emotionally available to me when you were pregnant so that’s why I was answering Craigslist sex ads and hired that prostitute.”

    “You never watched me play ultimate frisbee!”

    “You never want to stay out late at night!”

    “You’re too self-sufficient. She made me feel special.”

    “Someday you’ll find someone more your speed.”

    “I live my life out loud and you’re going to have … a quieter kind of life.”

    “Going to a concert or two a month may be enough for most people but not for me.”

    • Oh yeah I got a version of the self sufficiency thing too….You are too independent…. She Neeeeds me. Barf.

    • I read on X’s fb not long after he moved out, when a friend of his asked if X still played drums.., X responded with, “I wasn’t allowed to, she wouldn’t allow me to play drums.” I offered to buy him a drum set more than once and he said no, he didn’t want one.

  • And then there’s the one I suspect most of us have heard from our infants, pre-teens, teens and supposedly adult cheaters, when confronted with [insert transgression of choice] and asked why:

    “I don’t know.”

    • Omg yes… it infuriates me! “I don’t know” Well how the hell do you not know, you’re the one doing it. I sure as hell know why I do the things I do. (Yet cheater never accepted “I don’t know” as an acceptable answer from the kids and would badger them about it) hypocrite.

      Here’s my gem to add- “I can’t be who I am around you” uhh yeah cause I try to steer you away from being a complete douche bag all the time but at least delusional clown face whore bag accepts you (until you didn’t pay her bills like you promised lol)

      • They very well know. The “I don’t know” line is used, because they don’t want to talk about it. They just don’t want to be bothered. They don’t want to be inconvenienced discussing their behavior. They know what they did is wrong, they just don’t *feel* like discussing it. What face the consequences of their behavior, actually be held accountable? Nah, they’d rather just get away with it by saying “I don’t know”. Even the most noble men who are caught red handed with receipts or hard evidence, say” Uh, I can’t recall”. “I don’t know”. They VERY well know.

          • And let’s not forget that when asked WHY, you get the ol’ “I just didn’t think anything of it”. Or when you point out common sense shit like the fact that you were taking care of THEIR sick parent while they were screwing around and exposing you to STDs, you get the, “I never did think about it that way.”

            It’s like they’re short bus riders who need to be taught basic logic, human feelings and the connections between their actions and what they can lead to for other people.

            Let’s not even get started on his “compartmentalization”. He needed a reminder that just because his sick mind can “compartmentalize”, it doesn’t mean diseases can. That’s another thing he “just didn’t think about”. It’s only through the only luck I’ve experienced with this shit that I didn’t end up with every STD imaginable.

            • “I don’t know” is right up there with “I never said that.” They truly do have the intellects of children . . . actually most children are more creative and willing to admit when they’re caught in a lie, at least those who aren’t narcissists in the making.

              • The physical evidence I have of XH’s cheating is a new car seat obviously damaged by sex. XH started throwing spaghetti at the wall, to see if any of his lame-brained excuses would stick. They did not; I shot each one down with logical, rational explanations as to why they could not be true. He then said that he didn’t know what happened (if anything) to the car seat, but that it was not sex. I said, “How could you be the one driving the car and not know?” He said, “I was driving the car, but I don’t know what happened to the seat.” I said, “How could you be in the car and not know?” He replied, “Maybe I wasn’t in the car.” I said, “Well, where were you?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “Did aliens abduct the car and make you get out while they messed up the seat?” No reply.

                Twenty-five years ago, another new car seat was messed up. When I said, “What happened to the seat?” He authoritatively answered, “I threw up on it.” Although I did not challenge what I now believe was gaslighting, at the time I remember thinking, “How could he have gotten that sick and recovered so quickly?” He appeared to have been in the pink of health – after all, he had just had an orgasm with some prime pink pussy.

              • “I never said that,” I heard that line more times than I care to remember.., sometimes right after he said it.
                After hearing him say “I never said that” so often I began to question my own sanity.
                Which was probably what he was hoping.

            • Seriously- me too! I know that X is too lazy, and allergic to latex to ever use a condom! Plus, he did get his secretary pregnant…
              I am very, very grateful I didn’t get an STD.

  • My bio-dad said (among other things): “I knew I was destined for bigger things when I astral-projected myself through the bedroom wall.” (Into what was then the living room).
    My ex husband and ex boyfriend said a lot of stupid and mean things, but nothing that could really be competitive here. 🙂

  • Cheater or Child – “there are only 10 place settings at the table for Christmas Eve dinner, not 11. I will be home eating crackers and cheese in the dark, listening to my radio by myself”.

    Cheater or Child – “Food is in Maslow’s hierarchy. It’s down in the base level, in the physiological needs area. Do you think I excel at cooking while living on my own? Even in your icy state, have you ever once considered giving me any of the food you’ve prepared using our money in our house in our kitchen? Not once have you said “take some pasta sauce” or “have a pumpkin muffin.” You have given Coty (a dog), more human food in one day than you’ve ever offered me at any point during our separation. Of course I haven’t expected much and still won’t, but has this concept ever even occurred to you?”

    Cheater or Child – “Does your phone dial my number? Or has your dialer been blocked from calling my number? Because I don’t EVER get a phone call from you, ever. I make up reasons to call you about $ or kids to talk to you. I looked back through my phone log and can barely see a phone call from you. Ratio of my calls to your calls right now is about 20:1. I am trying.”

    Cheater or Child – “I’ve been splitting my time between two families for 2 years. I would like to have ALL the people that mean the most to me in the same place, at the same time, more often. I know you think that “if the situation was reversed” that you would go back and forth on the weekends. Until you’ve done it…and flown 200 times a year…and spent six figures on travel in a single year…and lost all your friends…and tried to start a relationship and still leave that person every week…and lose productivity with your work…and then hear from your kids how little they really want to be with you in the first place at your house…and live two very complex lives…it’s hard for you to say that.”

    Shaking my head almost every day.

    • Wow! The desire for cake is strong in that one! And, I love “if the situation were reversed”. It’s like, here’s a present-BLAME! Take all of the blame for my shitty situation that I caused. I have the sadz.

      Glad you got this man-child out of your life!

    • Hey Cletus… you mind sharing your award with unencumbered here? 😀 I’m still picking my jaw up from the floor over these remarks. The entitlement! I’m in serious shock-and-awe here. :O

    • Dear, Lord…..did you tell him there’s a fucking food drive-thru on every corner! Most have dollar menus…Bon appetit!

  • On D-day:

    Me, “You must quit the adult web site subscriptions!”
    STBX, crying and clutching his laptop tightly to his chest, “Okay but you’re not taking my pictures (a.k.a., child pornography) or my beer” [picture distraught toddler]

    • Mine clung to his computer like it was his infant child when I caught him going online with his whores. He begged me not to smash it. Didn’t give one fuck about me or how I felt, or the depth of the betrayal. Just “please don’t smash it.”

      I didn’t. I didn’t think it was okay to do that. But a year later after “therapy” and “sexaholics anonymous” that he lied about going to, I didn’t hesitate to smash his phone under my foot.

  • He literally changed his voice and sounded like a five year old, threw his hands down and whined at me”but you promised!”

    This was in response to me(a few months after I filed for divorce and he continued to date while denying it) when I told him no I will not agree to be buried with you when I die.

    • emy110 – When I told people what he had done, I got the exact same childish whining “You promised you would never tell.” That was news to me, because I HAD NEVER promised such a thing. Gotta give him some credit, he held steadfast to the gaslighting until the end…Grrrr.

  • Don’t you think it is OK to be selfish sometimes-after he ran off to France with a French woman who our daughter and I called -Nazi woman!

    What? You do not think that Nazi woman is attractive? – Say what?

    You always were more successful than me- Yes, I worked at work- You were chasing women!

    Did you ever think of having plastic surgery?-No, Mr. Frankenstein!

    Ugh- they are mentally unhinged! You cannot listen to them- they are in an alternative universe.

  • I guess this is pretty much the equivalent of “You aren’t playing fair, wahhhhhhh!”

    “So, this is your idea of splitting things fairly, huh? I cannot believe I expected you to be civil.” Cool, I cannot believe I expected you not to fuck your secretary. But, I guess we should all just be civil, right? Jesus…

    • Chumpasaurus Rex – I got a similar one. He told me he would appreciate it if I could speak to him “in a more humane tone.” I would have appreciated it if he could have treated me in a more humane way. I guess life is full of disappointments!

      • My father always used to say shit like that (he’s a cheater too). “When you can speak to me with a civil tongue in your head……”

        His mannerisms: just like Donald Trump.

        Of course, men like my father can’t see themselves, he’s the same guy who threatened to “rip offmy head and piss down my dead skull.” When I tried to run away at 16 because I was already sure he was going to kill me.

  • I didn’t even bother to confront snake after D-Day because I finally realized the kind of gaslighting and blameshifting abuse that was inevitable. I just quietly lined up a few ducks and left.

    When I was being given the ILYBINILWY speech before D-Day “This is all your fault, you brought this all on us when you got the dogs”. In hindsight, I probably should have gotten a dog sooner.

    “Everything is always about you” when I’d agreed to take in a dog to try to find its owner. Funny, I thought I was being neighborly and compassionate, and his pissy foot-stomping get-that-thing-out-of-here tantrum was all about him.

    Years before, when confronted with his lies about dinner and gifts he’d paid for, for a female co-worker “I didn’t tell you because I knew it would make you mad”. (Hey, asshat, if you knew it would make me mad, maybe you should have fucking considered not doing it!)

    • “Funny, I thought I was being neighborly and compassionate, and his pissy foot-stomping get-that-thing-out-of-here tantrum was all about him.”

      They really can’t tolerate anything that takes the spotlight off them, can they?

      “Years before, when confronted with his lies about dinner and gifts he’d paid for, for a female co-worker “I didn’t tell you because I knew it would make you mad”. (Hey, asshat, if you knew it would make me mad, maybe you should have fucking considered not doing it!)”

      I got almost the exact same thing! When I confronted him about going out with a woman and lying about it, he insisted they were just friends. Me: “So why did you lie?” Him: “Because I knew it would make you made. And you would have told me no.”

      It’s like he’s fifteen.

      • Mine told me he had to go to extreme lengths to hide and password-protect his technology because if I read through it, I would “misinterpret” things and accuse him of cheating.

  • We agreed that she would quit her job to be a part-time student. I would put her and her son on my insurance, thereby covering him for heart surgery. I was battling major depression but still went to work and supported me, them, and a child we volunteered with who basically lived with us. When she wasn’t in school one day a week or taking a couple hour online lecture, she slept in, took bicycle rides, went to jazzercize, and whatever else she fancied. I encouraged her completely.

    As a reason for leaving me she said that she needed a real partner who behaved like an adult and who didn’t want to be a teenager.

    • Classic. Projection. Take solace in the fact that she has no desire (maybe even ability) to be introspective and will very likely never change. Onto bigger and better!

  • One of the many lines my POS has uttered…..”lying to you is so easy and I’ve been doing it for so long I don’t know how to stop”

  • Looking back there are so many of the typical lines including: “you’re not the boss of me”, “you can’t make me”, & “I won’t live my life like that”. However, two stand out.

    “..but Billies party was bigger…there were more people” — This was spoken to me during (yes during) the 40th birthday party I paid for & arranged at local pub with 50+ people. Later at around 2 am & finally at home he got a call from ‘one of the boys’ to go back out. “…what can I do? they want me to come. its my birthday…” & he got into his car & drove drunk to OW#2. I know now ‘the boys’ was code for OW#2.

    “…she got into bed with me & forced a situation. ask Bob (his bf). he knows. he was right there.” — This nugget was shared during DD#2 as the explanation that it started during a business trip to Vegas. It did not. It had been going on maybe a year prior. However, he always used another person like his bf as a deflector. And of course, you can always blame ‘Vegas’.

  • Not so fast with that prize:

    Midway through the divorce, her affair in full swing in my face, at kitchen table:

    XW: “I still think we will get back together even after divorce.”
    Me: “Uh, I gotta tell ya, after we divorce I’m moving on.”
    XW, tears squirting, gets up, slamming out of the house in a fury: “Then I’m moving on too!!”

    • Will you consider accepting the Miss Congeniality award? There is so much awesome here today I’m running out of rose bouquets and tiaras. 😀

      • (Bowing modestly.)

        Oh! Oh! Around six months ago, 1.5 years after vicious divorce, I’m being sued by her.

        She comes over and says with tears in her eyes, “I want to say I’m sorry. I was not a good wife.”

        I think, well, that’s an understatement, but ok. Better late than never. I wait.

        “I never took in the garbage cans.”

        Pfffft. Stupid me.

        After she left, I see… She’d taken in my garbage can. All is well in Chumpville. For a second there I’d thought she’d changed.

    • My X once said, “Who knows . . . maybe we’ll get married again.”

      I told him I’d rather have a root canal and a pap smear on the same day.

      • Rumblekitty, hmmmmmm, that might nor be a bad idea….think about it….A dentist in your mouth and a gyno in your love tunnel…..I’d call that a threesome…..Enjoy!

  • One week before D-day, weekend of our 19th anniversary, I was home caring for 3 small children with fevers and vomiting. He was “out with the guys” until 3 am. When he came home he said, “I wish I wanted to be here to help you.” WTF??? Not sure he realized what he said. Found out later he was out on a date with schmoopie for our anniversary. Sounds like, “I wish I wanted to help pick up the toys, but I dont! You can’t make me!”. The impressively infantile things they say are comical.

    • Oh, and to the wife and three kids he neglects to isolate himself in the basement chain smoking and watching TV or gaming…..”I’m lonely. “

      • Oh yeah, The Entitled One was a basement dweller as well. Shut himself down there with his TV and video games and porn and then complained how lonely I made him.

        • Ding! Ding! Ding! I got the “lonely” bit as well. It was what he used on one of his online dating profiles (can’t remember which one) but I sure as hell wasn’t enthusiastic about being ignored night after night. My overtures went unheeded, but he was “lonely.” I see a sadz coming on.

          • That hurts more than it should, doesn’t it? Even though we know it’s their own damn fault.

            I’m having a bad flashback to DDay #1. I caught him answering Craigslist sex ads when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT and I’ll never forget the line in one of his e-mail responses: “Married, sexless, and bored is so 2004.”

            I was so hurt. On top of all the betrayal, not only were we NOT sexless, but my sex drive was higher than his. Of course, ten years later I figured out the problem was he could only reliably get it up to porn.

            Now he’s out there sparkling to the women he meets on online dating sites. His profile is a joke. All I can think is that some future chump is going to fall hard for that pretty, pretty sparkle … and what a booby prize she’s going to end up with.

            • +1. Eight and a half months pregnant and he was on sexsearch (now AFF), commenting on other women’s “tight bodies” etc. Nice to know I was just a completely replaceable incubator. I guess I just lacked that “sparkly vagina” that the sexsearch/Craigslist whores seem to have available and waiting.

  • One night I brought home a special cake for dessert. The ex & children gathered round as the ex shoveled spoonful after spoonful into his mouth. My 5 kids were fairly young & they stood there waiting & waiting begging for ex to give them a bite.

    I was so shocked whilst listening & watching this all take place that I rudely yelled at him telling him that he needed to share!

    He lost his temper- screamed at me that if he gives them some then he won’t get any! They’ll eat it all! He was so irate that I told him what to do that he picked up a kitchen barstool held it over his head & threw it on the floor breaking it. He then stormed off to his room, slammed his door while yelling that “it isn’t fair!” “Nobody cares about ME!”

    I think it’s funny (not funny ha ha) that it happened over him being forced to give up cake.

    • At the end, STBX was almost babbling. The things he was saying didn’t even make sense.

      I think he has told so many lies, he can no longer keep much straight.

      But also = gibberish.

      For example, he yelled, “You SAID you were going to get a raise five years ago but you didn’t get one until this year” – this was his response when I asked him why he was advertising his dick on Craigslist. Not sure why that was his answer. But the gist of everything he says is, “YOU made me do it”

      Also, he’s re-written the story of our relationship.

      He “never wanted to get married” (we dated for three years and were married for seventeen. After 20 years, D-day was the first I’d heard him mention this tiny detail) because he never loved me (this I now believe is true) because I have a flat butt (deal-breaker).

      And “all men want young women” because “the heart wants what it wants” = which is
      A. What Woody Allen said when caught fucking his teenaged daughter
      B. What STBX admires about Woody Allen – not his movies but his “courage” in admitting he loves to fuck children

      I’ve also heard: “I made a mistake but I am not a mistake” – sadly this is a mantra his minister and family reinforce as well.

      None of those people, or STBX, acknowledge that he could have left the marriage any time – the fact that he cheated throughout and fucks teenagers is MY FAULT.

      Oh my my. It’s Friday the 13th with a Full Moon – I think I’m going to tap into my inner witch tonight and stir up some black magic.

      • Roaring, the things he said made me laugh out loud. It makes me feel better that my ex was talking gibberish at the end of our relationship too. It was very confusing at the time, but kind of funny to think about now.

    • CN, we might have a winner here. Premium story, Cut N Run.
      Your name suggests that you knew what to do!!

    • OMG! My cheater also had a fit like yours, but his was over ice cream! He would buy the best ingredients, most expensive ice cream for himself and would buy the cheapest, full of chemicals worst ice cream for his daughters (at that time 7 and 4 years old)! If they dared ask him to taste his ice cream he would tell them that they had their own ice cream and he wasn´t asking them for theirs’. He wouldn´t share his with anyone!

      And like Roaring´s child-cheater, he also told me that he didn´t want to get married, and that all the major decisions of our lives had been because I “forced him” : like getting married, having children, buying our dream home….! What a toddler-child-cheater I was with for so long!

  • Why it is that my husband never say most of this but I can hear his voice .

    One of my favourites

    After having sex with a regular prostitute he told me they laid naked on the bed and chatted about allotments. We had one at the time and so did she. I think the point he was making was that I shouldn’t be to upset because the sex was over quite quick and I should feel better about that, or some other incomprehensible reason I’m yet to work out.

    Any way when I asked him why he didn’t leave when the sex was done as he said he only went to then for sex he said

    It would have been rude to leave while she was chatting to him and he was brought up wurh manners and never to be rude.

    I did ask if she stopped talking when the time he paid for was up……he didn’t answer that one.

    • “I did ask if she stopped talking when the time he paid for was up……he didn’t answer that one.” LMAO Pauline!

  • I can’t believe I forgot this one:

    “[Ex-girlfriend] has on her Facebook page that she’s her husband’s number one fan. You were never my number one fan.”

    “You never made a big deal out of my achievements. I need a lot of praise.”

    This from the man who, on the day I achieved a lifelong dream, picked a fight and refused to speak to me for the rest of the night.

    • That’s a narcissist speciality–demand adoration, praise and attention, but when you achieve something, either they pick a fight or . And it’s just as bad during difficult times. My XH the drinker (not Jackass) picked a fight with me the day after my beloved 22-year old cat died.

    • “You never made a big deal out of my achievements. I need a lot of praise.”

      And did he praise your achievements the way he expected you to praise his? Mine didn’t. I made a big deal out of all of his accomplishments, including flying across the country when I didn’t have much money to be there for his academy graduation (in our late 20s). But when I got notice that my master’s thesis was accepted and my master’s degree was awarded, I got a verbal congratulations. That’s it. I had to suggest that maybe be would go out to dinner to celebrate, and he said “Yeah, sure, we can do that.” And that was the end of it.

  • My husband told me “I wanted to try something different”. My reply “I want to try something different too, like a faith spouse”.

    His famous line these days is “I don’t know”.
    The funny thing is he use to tell our children that “I don’t know” was an unacceptable answer. I guess it is acceptable for him though…

    • My cheater-kid would get angry if kids lied and tell them that it was unacceptable and there were no excuses to lie. Once after Dday # 2 I told him that how could he expect his kids not to lie if he was the King of all Liars and he answered “it´s different” !

      • Noelblessed, me too. After D-day I was questioning STBX how he could justify fucking 15-year-olds (he’s a fat 54) when he has a step-daughter, sister (who, it turns out, he fucked for eight years when she was little), 12 nieces.

        He angrily yelled, “It’s not the same thing!”

        Umm…

          • Letgo, yes. I discovered last month (after twenty years) that his mother (the one who’s defending him now) called CPS on him about 25 years ago. By that time, the statute of limitations for reporting abuse had passed.

            His mom is an incest survivor. His bio-dad is probably an abuser (also surgeon and Colonel in the Army – super Narc). The whole family is nuts (fundamentalists, militia-types).

            The one bright spot in his family, as I see it, is that the abuse victim, now 50, is finally getting mad. Her parents valued appearances more than her truth and lots of lives are now affected by this loser. It’s sad and I would feel sorry for him if I wasn’t so damn mad.

  • My favourites, which I heard repeatedly.
    “I can’t remember.”
    “I didn’t lie to you, I just didn’t tell you.” (Three year, mostly long distance relationship, with old girlfriend)
    “I was never going to leave you.”

  • We taught my granddaughter to say, “That makes me uncomfortable”

    The limited used this every time I suggested going somewhere.

    My favorite was when he said, “I never got to go surfing”. From the mouth of a 57 year old.

    After I threw him out of the house and took his keys I asked him to send money to my daughter who lost her job and didn’t have money for food. He refused. He was relentless about getting his change jar he hid. I cashed in 75.00 and sent it to my daughter. When I told him he said,”Those were MY quarters”.

    Yet, after months of prolonging the divorce, abusing his lawyer (she withdrew) not showing up for court, never hiring another lawyer, he threatened to hire a lawyer, and to get half of my pension. My lawyer said he could get half and had the paoer work ready. The value was 175000 at that time. He never asked the value.
    His tantrums were so childlike and petty he was still talking about the fucking quarters. My lawyer asked what was wrong with him. I kept my pension.

    The injustice of taking his quarters! Lol.

    • Doingme, “the injustice of the quarters”!!!! over half of $175K??????? Oh yeah, makes perfect sense in fantasy land!!!! Glad you got to keep your pension. What aTOOL!!!

  • When our oldest, 5 years old at the time, told me, “Daddy has a girlfriend”, he sent her to her room and grounded her. Then said to me that she needed to learn not to meddle.

    In reconciliation, 1 week after DDay1, “If God can forgive me, why can’t you?”

    To negotiate a ‘friend relationship’ with AP#4, he suggested (he and AP discussed it) that it was healthy for us to have friends of the opposite sex and told me I needed to find a male friend to talk to. I took him up on it and started communicating with a man online and showing him all communications. He got pissed that I was sharing personal things and demanded that I stop and then emailed the guy, telling him to get his own wife and leave me alone.

    When I found the search term ‘prepaid cellphone’ in his history and confronted him about it: “My sister has one and I just wanted to know how they work.”

    When I finally quit pick-me-dancing after 8 years (and 4 DDays) and he came to pick up the kids for his first visitation: “Why didn’t you fight for me?” (with trembling lip)

    After official decision to separate: “We can get back together maybe in a couple years as long as you don’t sleep with anybody.”

    Some AP-isms from AP#2 that I found in text messages (he was very protective of her identity, but I ended up finding out EVERYTHING about her without his help): “You know how I like my privacy” “I don’t want any drama in my life” “Your wife needs to mind her own business”

      • Oh my! My cheater said this, “Why didn’t you fight for us?” I guess that’s because once I discovered his cheating ass I wanted a divorce. Um, maybe “fighting for us” would mean you not putting your dick into some strange and actually having a conversation with me. Cheaters are simply delusional.

        • I got, “Why didn’t you fight for us?” too! We should come up with a drinking game for the shit these cheaters say.

          The sad thing was he said this after I begged and apologized profusely for “my part” and agreed I needed to do a ton of work on myself and asked him to delay dating so we could go to marital counseling. OMG, I can’t believe I did that. I’m so embarrassed for myself. And then when he deigned to give ME another chance, I pick-me danced my heart out, fighting for us with all I’m worth. And he dumped me again because … wait for it … “I need the validation of other women too much to ever not cheat on you.”

          • BetterDays,
            You are not alone. I am sad to acknowledge that I probably have an Olympic medal in doing the Pick-Me-Dance for boyfriends who have mistreated and abused me and a STBX that I have sometimes feared might kill me. I am seeking therapy to try to figure out why I dive for crumbs from callous, self-centered men who use, devalue, and then discard me.

            • “…to figure out why I dive for crumbs…” THIS.
              Fellow crumb-diver here, still haven’t figured it out but the pattern is apparent.

            • Well said, RSW. I think I’ve figured out why I was a crumb-diver. And now I’m enjoying time alone to make sure I never do that again. Before I even attempt another relationship, I want to be secure in who I am, I want to have a full life so I don’t glom onto someone else’s, and I want to trust myself to provide the safety and stability I thought I’d get by sticking with The Entitled One.

      • My ex complained to several people that the OW’s husband fought to keep her, but I didn’t fight to keep him. Hungry for cake much?

    • Ooh, I forgot…

      After the divorce was finalized I bought him out of a vehicle we co-owned (which cleaned out my savings) and he told me he would pay the next month’s child support out of that money. Days, weeks, months go by and not a single child support payment. I quietly take care of our 4 children on just my income for 10 months (as he goes for weeks in between his 1-2 day/month visitation), before I can no longer make ends meet and go to the state to have his wages garnished. His response: “Why are you doing this to me?!”

      • Why didn’t you fight for me + trembling lip + Why are you doing this to me + garnishment = WINNER! Hope you don’t mind sharing the award with Cletus and unencumbered 😀 Oh, and David too… My goodness, has this been the best Friday the 13th ever or what?

        • Wow, “Why are you doing this to me?’ That’s some serious delusional shit right there. Cheaters are ALWAYS victims, mostly of their own stupidity, but they just do not get that. It’s almost a gift to realize how dumb they are, and unoriginal.

      • Mine had the nerve to say (about having to pay child support) “I didn’t hurt you financially like you’re doing to me.”

        • Got that line after I refused to file taxes with him jointly after we separated legally, and I signed the separation papers he had drawn up by his lawyer that stated that I got the tax credit on the house (I got the house in the division of assets). When I pointed out this fact he said, “Oh, I never read the separation agreement.” But he was still pissed that I wouldn’t consider filing jointly with him after his cheating and abandonment. The entitlement of these characters is off the charts.

    • OMG! “Your wife needs to mind her own business”?!? Is your husband’s ho the same as mine? I got “This has nothing to do with me, I just want to stay out of it.” Whelp, guess you shouldn’t have slept with a married man then, huh?

      I am seriously convinced these fucktards all deserve each other.

      • Identical, CR! Whore Homewrecker Neighbor said, as she slammed her door, the only time I made an attempt to confront her about giving the X blowjobs, showering with him, and asking him to shave her legs, etc, etc
        “This has nothing to do with MEEEEE!”
        She’s an even bigger Narc than he is, Geeze!
        (Hope she enjoys him living in her basement!)

    • “When our oldest, 5 years old at the time, told me, “Daddy has a girlfriend”, he sent her to her room and grounded her. Then said to me that she needed to learn not to meddle.”

      He punished a 5-year old for telling the truth. That, right there, is why “saving the marriage for the kids” is a bad idea.

      • Exactly, LAJ. Only upside to staying was that the kids had front-row seats and cannot be lied to about who the bad guy is. He was stupid enough to bring them along on his dates, thinking they wouldn’t understand what was going on and that they wouldn’t snitch (even accidentally). Three of my four have memories of his OW (there were 4 OW over 8 years). My youngest is the only one who didn’t understand enough to bank it as a memory, but, being the youngest she also didn’t get very bonded to her dad before shit really hit the fan. She is now my conjoined mini-me and cries huge tears whenever she knows she has to go to his (his tramp’s) house. He seriously threw away his relationship with his kids for anal with a nasty tramp.

        Actually another upside is that lots of people knew he was a cheater and that we were in perpetual reconciliation because he kept falling off the wagon. So I had nothing but support, even from my in-laws, in ending the farce of a marriage. I didn’t experience any Switzerland people, as others here have, because pretty much everyone was rooting for me to kick his ass to the curb for years.

      • LAJ, “He punished a 5-year old for telling the truth. That, right there, is why “saving the marriage for the kids” is a bad idea.”

        Exactly!!!! not one person in your family “comes out” unscathed from the cheaters shitty choices. No matter how old the kids are when it happens.

      • Also proves that a 5 year old is more emotionally mature than the garden variety sociopath. Little girl was trying to right what she knew was a wrong, despite being bribed or blackmailed to ‘keep my dirty secrets, or else’. But she didn’t want to be Switzerland. She wanted to be Loretta Lynch. Good for her!

  • Said to a relative, post-abandonment, when asked why he wouldn’t go to MC, “I won’t go because SHE’LL never change!”

    Oh, and every attempt at a discussion with him in the last year or so concerning things like setting rent for our adult child living with us, looking at solar panels for the house, placing landscaping features in the backyard, who runs what errand – MINOR stuff – If I “contradicted” him in any manner (brand of peanut butter, for example) was met with a screamed, “You think I’m STUPID! You NEVER listen to MY opinion!!”

    • On Dday, when I suggested we go to marriage counseling, ex said no, because he didn’t think I would ever change and he “loved himself just the way he was already.”

        • Awww he wuvs his widdle self! Someone said on here months ago that these guys must be stuck in an early stage of development. Adolescence? Infancy? I must agree.

        • GIO, in the early days after the final d-day, I asked, really begged (I’m ashamed of that), the x to go to counseling, then I said “I want the old “x’s name” back, the one that I married.” He says to me “I will never be that “x” again”. Fast forward to after schmoopie leaves him for her husband, and I’m getting “heartfelt” texts about how “he is back” (the old “x”s name). Oh hell no!!!!! I’m definitely not liking new x, and I don’t care about old x anymore by this time because he was a mirage.

    • geekmom, I got the same thing, “you will never change”. Change to what, an even bigger doormat than I had already been. Thanks but no thanks!!!!

  • Stbx had some doozies for me on DDay……

    When stbx walked out of the Asian (hooker) massage parlor and saw me parked right behind his car……

    He says “My back was hurt/sore after golf so I got a massage”
    I tell him ” I didn’t know your dick was on your back”

    Then he says “it’s not that kind of place”
    I show him the backpage ads on my iPhone showing the hookers
    Then he says “So what are you going to do, start a fight with me now?”

    Stbx then proceeds on a tirade where he says “you violated my privacy”
    (because I used the find my iPhone app to find him)
    I tell him “I thought my marriage was private”

    He told me that “I can’t make him talk”
    I told him “I can’t make you talk, but I can make you single”

    Lastly, on the topic of his porn obsession/addiction-

    I tell him “You do realize that the porn isn’t real-it’s all fantasy-lights, make-up, actors/actresses”
    He freaks out and gets in my face and screams “IT’S REAL TO ME!”
    He really could have accompanied that by stamping his feet and flailing his arms…………lol

    So glad to be done with all of that now!

      • Thanks LAJ-at least I can laugh about it now because I am getting so close to meh and I can admit that the whole situation was absolutely ridiculous. My only regret is that I didn’t move his car miles away while he was inside the hooker palace so he would have come out to no car! I will always wonder how he would have explained that one to me oh, and the cops too since he would have had to report his car missing from said hooker palace parking lot…..lol!

    • He told me that “I can’t make him talk”
      I told him “I can’t make you talk, but I can make you single”
      I love this SO MUCH!
      Best Chump line ever!

  • When my ex asshole first asked me out almost 23 years ago, I said I have 3 kids and you are going to resent giving up your dream of being a musician. So when he left, I got the we have nothing in common, you don’t like the same music as I do! You won’t let me sing and play my guitar really loud. I was also told that I should have made more money, so he could have stayed home and played music. Playing the guitar and singing to you tube videos is NOT being a musician. That is a karaoke singer. Besides, he is horrible at both, which is why he is almost 60 and working in IT. He sucks. My kids used to say, Mom please make him stop singing and playing, it sounds like someone is killing the cat! His big dream was to be a classical music conductor. After all, he had 5 years of college and a degree in music from Humboldt State! A degree is music is good for what job to support a family? All he learned was to smoke pot, still to this day. His taste in music is stuck in the 1970’s. I am so thankful that I do not have to listen to the Grateful Dead, Hendricks, Joplin, Dylan or any of that shit I do not like. Yuk. Loser

    • Velvet69, my high-school dropout STBX has the “dream” of being the ‘conservative Jon Stewart’

      He isn’t smart. He isn’t well-read. He isn’t funny. He just wants attention.

      I really tried to understand his p-o-v throughout the marriage. He was a nut job though. Thought George Zimmerman was justified in murdering Trayvon Martin. Had a poster of Ted Cruz’ head superimposed on a naked, tattooed body-builder’s body hanging in the TV room. Denies climate change.

      I am so over him but I am deep in “WTF was I thinking? Can I get a do-over?”

      • THIS!
        I am so over him but “WTF was I thinking? Can I get a do-over?”

        This still crosses my mind from time to time

      • “Had a poster of Ted Cruz’ head superimposed on a naked, tattooed body-builder’s body hanging in the TV room.”

        WTF?????

        • It was signed by the “artist.”

          He special ordered it.

          I could shoot myself! Who marries someone like this? Who fails to stop at any red flag? For years and years of increasingly diminishing returns (in every part of life, if you catch my drift)? ARGHHHH!

    • Well..
      You could have taken on a second job…put the kids to work at Burger King. Mowed lawns on weekends…gave up non essentials like cable tv, music lessons, new clothes and dental care…so that he could stay home and be a gray haired teenager. Sounds fair to me.

  • After we were separated and ex had moved out, I took advantage of his visitation time to go to a divorce workshop in my county that gave instructions on how to file paperwork. He had the kids for less than an hour before he started texting/calling and wanting to drop the kids back off with me. It was a good hour before I was able to answer him and he was pissed because I wasn’t at his beck and call. He demanded to know where I was and who I was with. I reminded him that my personal life was none of his business and he gave me this nugget: “You’re the mother of my children and I need to know where you are and who you are with.”
    Funny how while we were married and together I didn’t get to know where the father of my children was or who he was with.

    After divorce was finalized, ex decided he wanted the immature fruit trees in my backyard (which were never mentioned in divorce proceedings) and threatened to dig them up and take them to his AP’s house. Wish he had actually done that.

  • Son recently went off a little bit on his dad over ex not having held a real, full-time, long-term job in over six years. Ex told son that he planned on getting a regular job “in 2018” and that his new “destiny” is teaching people how to cure their illnesses through the power of positive thinking.

    It’s sad when a college-student teen works more steadily and makes more money than his 50-something father.

  • Schmoopie (aka his sister inlaw) gave birth. When a female friend replaced his brother in the delivery room, his eyes overflowed with tears, his lip quivered, his voice shook as he said “That f..cking. Patti! That should be ME!!! Why does SHE get to be in there?!” Until then I had never seen him so emotional, so upset. Interestingly their son looks curiously more like our son than he does his own brother. Yeah. We live in a twisted soap opera. You need to take anti emetics to watch it though.

  • Little Johnny doesn’t want to go out to dinner, he wants ice cream instead, so while at the restaurant with his parents, Johnny is surly and pouts. Little Johnny thinks everyone will feel sorry for him because he has to eat his dinner before he gets ice cream.

    Big Mike doesn’t want to celebrate his 20th anniversary with his wife so he takes a romantic cruise with an old girlfriend instead. When his wife finds a picture of the cruise on the computer, and tries to save it for evidence, Big Mike is angry. She should forgive him and not call him out for his “mistake.” Later that night, while out to dinner with the wife, Big Mike pouts and won’t talk. Big Mike thinks everyone at the restaurant should feel sorry for him because he wanted to spend a week with his girlfriend and his wife told on him. When they get home from dinner, Big Mike berates the wife for her selfishness and tells her his love bank is empty. The wife puts Big Mike in permanent timeout.

    • “The wife puts Big Mike in permanent timeout”

      Pure comedy gold! Thanks for the laugh!

      • True story…on dday, packed his shit, called a locksmith…he was pissed. Left the house and asked me to text him when the locksmith was gone. Came back with a pissy attitude…I asked what’s your problem. He said, “you don’t trust me?” Really? Fucking really? I said I trusted you with my heart and look what you did to that! Then I left and got my hair done! Fucking asshole!

        • After dumb shit left I needed his yearly income for 2015 for my lawyer. He had just gotten hiw W2. He texted me the amount, but when I requrlested he take picture with his phone and send it he got so mad – I don’t trust him!?
          Lol. No I don’t trust him after all the lying and deceit he put us through for yesrs. What a moron.

  • I have to say I have gotten a lot of great laughs from today’s posting. It is so nice to think about some of the idiotic statements that my husband has said to me and actually laugh. Here are two more of my favorites.

    “You need to stand up for me to your family and tell them he’s not like that.” He’s not like what? a cheater, liar and disrespectful to his wife and children. Sorry can’t stand up for that.

    “It was never my intent to hurt anyone.” I would hate to see what your intent to hurt looks like.

    Thanks for the great chuckles today CN.

    • My ex recently sent a long Facebook message to my mom, and one of the things he wrote was that he “never intended things to be hurtful or to hurt Glad.” Yeah, I guess 20 years of lying, cheating, mind fuckery and gaslighting was not supposed to be hurtful, nor has the financial devastation and continued abuse since the divorce. He’s just a great guy, always looking out for my well-being.

  • “I have actually lost friendships over this.” (mad at me because I told some of our friends of her years of serial cheating, and they did not approve).

    • Poor baby. She shouldn’t have to lose anything when she destroys the people she claims to love. It’s less fun that way! It’s just not fair!

  • After we separated (due to his dozens of one night stands, refusal to hold down jobs (or being fired from them), and so on and so forth), I found a journal (I know, right??) in which he wrote this: “She stopped being nice to me. I don’t think I can ever forgive her for this.”

    Guilty as charged!

    • Mine whined to me about how I had no idea how hard it was for him, knowing that I am the only person he’s ever met who doesn’t like him.

    • Are you kidding me? Stopped being nice when he was dicking others???? Really? They are just so messed up! The sknakboy told me on Dday, what a wonderful woman I am, tried to hug me…..pushed him away….go Fuck yourself.