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Dear Chump Lady, My cheating husband wants me to sponsor his citizenship

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greencardHi Chump Lady,

First off I am gay and I’ve been married for over 2 years and been with this guy for 9 years. I am currently sponsoring him to live in the country (the U.S.). We always been madly in love. We’ve traveled around the world together. Everything was perfect until 3 weeks ago I found out he cheated on me with a guy he just met a month ago at work. I never saw it coming.

Over the last month, he started spending nights out with friends. One night I was sick at home and he came home with every medicine he could find at the drugstore. He told me he wanted to go get a drink with some friends and I thought he was so sweet, I said sure. Except he never came home that night.

One time I even tried asking if he was cheating and he made me feel like a fool! Yelling at me how dare you even think that. I felt so reassured.

One day I was mad at him cause he promised to come home and he ended up spending the night out. The next morning I gave him the silent treatment when he was at work. He came home angry at me. Telling me not to ever do that to him again. That’s when I saw all the messages from the other guy. We fought. He strung me along for what was some of the most painful days of my life. One morning I went to his work and the other guy was there and I tried to be mature and I said to him this is not about you I have no bad feelings towards you. I am just here to see my husband. To which he blew up in my face and was so nasty and aggressive. He told me I was a stranger and don’t ever speak to him. I said you’re the one who got involved in my life by sleeping with my husband. His lack of compassion was unbelievable. He’s ugly on the inside and outside. Another reason I couldn’t believe he cheated was cause this guy isn’t easy on the eyes.

On the night he broke it off, I met him and he told me to cross the street that the troll didn’t wanna see me. This is the night he’s planning on ending his almost decade-long relationship and marriage. Where’s the consideration for my feelings? Or respect? Instead he only cares about how the troll will feel?

No matter how I begged, my husband left me. I was in tears and he told me to tell him I still love him and couples separate all the time and get back together.

I can’t believe someone I gave all this love and faith to for so many years would destroy me like he did. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I am in a deep depression.

Now he wants me to continue to sponsor him to live in the country. He has barely tried to reach out to me. I found out he’s already cheating on this new guy. I was tempted to tell him, but let him be the idiot. I don’t know if I should help him with immigration? If I don’t sign those papers I would be racked with guilt for him leaving the country. But if I do I would be betraying myself. I still care about him immensely.

He wants to be friends, but doesn’t text me to ask how I am doing even though he knows I am a mess. He recently asked me to help him by being a reference on a lease application! I was shocked he couldn’t see anything wrong with asking me to help him and this troll he cheated on me with a place together. Of course I said no.

He claims he cares, but I feel like I am the one chasing after him. What should I do? I can’t just walk away. It hurts too much. I feel like deep down he does care. He must. We spent so many years together. It’s difficult for me to see my life without him and I don’t want to. I feel like that would kill me. But how can I take this constant lack of respect? How do I get him to treat me right? To show empathy? How do we become friends?

Christopher

Dear Christopher,

Hey, I know you’re only three weeks out from D-Day, but bitchslap yourself, please. This guy SUCKS. He cheats on you, insults you to your face, tells you to cross the street to spare some troll’s feelings, BUT he’d still like his citizenship sponsored? Fuck him.

He claims he cares, but I feel like I am the one chasing after him.

You are chasing after him. That’s the pick me dance. He delights in it. You’re giving him the green light to abuse you further. It’s kibbles to him. It means he gets all the benefits of a relationship with you (sponsorship, your undying love, whatever) and you get zippo.

Oh hang on, not zippo, you get HOPE. Hope that he’ll change. Hope that he doesn’t mean it. Hope that him letting you Do For Him means he really cares!

He doesn’t. Judge him by his actions. Nine years together and he can’t even share a sidewalk with you.

What should I do?

See a lawyer. Divorce his ass. And DO NOT SPONSOR HIM. Let that honor go to the next chump.

I can’t just walk away.

Yes you can. Put one foot in front of the other like we do here at Chump Nation. We walked (or were walked away from) and we survived. And you will too.

It hurts too much.

I know it hurts. (((Hugs))) It hurts like a motherfucker for quite awhile. That’s because you were deeply invested in your marriage and your love for this man.

I feel like deep down he does care. He must.

He doesn’t. Trust me. You want to believe that he cared, because then your last nine years weren’t a total waste and he’s not a total waste.

Even though he is a vapid user with bad taste in troll boyfriends, your time together wasn’t a waste. You were real, you brought your A game. You know how to love and commit. Just because he sucks, that’s no reflection on you or your worth. It’s a reflection on his idiocy.

And every relationship, even the toxic horrible ones we’d rather forget, are not a waste if we learn from them. Here’s your lesson: don’t be a chump.

We spent so many years together. It’s difficult for me to see my life without him and I don’t want to. I feel like that would kill me.

It won’t kill you. Living with his constant devaluing of you will kill you.

You’re just grieving your relationship, which is what people with souls do. Soulless people trade their loving partners in for trolls, cheat on the troll, and then ask for citizenship favors.

But how can I take this constant lack of respect?

You realize that you don’t have “take” anything.

You have agency and your feelings MATTER. So you do not take disrespect off anyone.

How do I get him to treat me right? To show empathy?

You can’t. You don’t control him. You only control YOU.

There is NOTHING you can do to MAKE him value you. How he treats you depends upon his character, not how handsome you are, how loving, or how nice you look in a pressed shirt. You can’t improve yourself into improving his character.

How do you get a narcissistic cheater to show empathy? I don’t know. How do you get turnips to learn differential equations?

How do we become friends?

ARGH. You don’t become friends. You become exes. Thinking you can become friends with your cheating ex is just the bargaining stage of grief. It’s some trippy, hopium hallucination. Sober up, Christopher. He’s NOT your friend.

I was in tears and he told me to tell him I still love him and couples separate all the time and get back together.

Hey, let’s all hold hands here together in a big circle at Chump Nation and scream at Christopher’s husband, “FUCK OFF!”

He guts you with betrayal, but demands you tell him that YOU love HIM?

He can’t discard you fast enough, but wants you to hold out hope that you can get back together (for CAKE)?

What a total fuckwit.

He needs citizenship? He already has citizenship on Planet Narcissist.

Build a wall, Christopher. We don’t need to import any more narcissists to the U.S., we’ve got a great big trade surplus already. Send him back. Buh-bye cheater! No contact problem solved.

Stay strong, Christopher. It’s early days, but you’re going to be much better off without this guy. Know your worth.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “The green light to abuse you further”. This is the RIC, in one neat little nutshell. Following their advice was the worst thing I ever did.

    Ditch this loser, and let him and his troll go at it. I hate to tell you, but he’s probably been cheating all along, but for some reason doesn’t bother to conceal it any longer.

    Actually that’s what the reconciliation advice gets you. They disrespect you once, see it gets them good results, then their true nature is revealed. You can never have a decent relationship with this guy again.

  • CL’s charm/rage/self pity theory is well illustrated in this letter. With cheaters, and others who lie and otherwise manipulate to sneak what they want, it’s always one of the three. Learning this from Chump Lady and seeing it in action in my life has been a total life changer for me.

    I know you’re terrified, but I also know you CAN do this. He owns your life. Take it back. One thing at a time, you can take your life back.

  • “You can’t improve yourself into improving his character.”

    ^THIS.^

  • Christopher, he doesn’t care. In November I was crying so hard about my loss, that I burst something under one of my eyes. The person I was crying over? – Phoning in great excitement his secret new relationship his sister confirmed they are madly in love.

    Thats how much they care. They don’t. We mean nothing. But what it means to us? We have the ability to love. We can connect. We are human.

    (PS the great love is now over). I got my lesson: don’t cry over and miss someone who is really not worth that honour.

  • RUN AWAY! He doesn’t love you. He’s trying to use you. He sucks! Get a lawyer. Go no contact. Creeps like this NEVER CHANGE. Trust me, when my STBX showed his true self over 20 years ago, I didn’t want to believe that was truly him. But it was! He buried his true self behind a “nice guy” make, but the mask slipped a few times during our marriage and now that mask is COMPLETLY OFF to me, but he still wears it around his “believers.” It’s so much easier for his family and friends to believe I’m the one with the problem and not their perfect and special Teebs. NO CONTACT WITIH TOXIC PEOPLE. Hopefully I’ve be able to limit my kids time with them too. They AP is in for a treat!

  • Christopher have you read CL’s book? If you haven’t already I suggest you order your copy asap.
    It will help you tremendously. A person who loves or cares anything about you doesn’t do the things he’s done and said to you. Imagine yourself as an outsider looking in, what advice would you give.
    As painful as it is and I know it hurts deeply, you need end communication with him and realize the relationship is over. My heart goes out to you because I know it’s painful but I’m afraid all he wants is a sponsor so he can become a US citizen. Think of it as a gift to yourself that he goes back to his country.
    I know you will get lots of responses with great advice that I hope you will follow.
    Remember to order CL’s book, it will be your guide.

    • Christopher,
      Please end things with this person. He was not, is not and never will be your friend. You were a toy, an appendage, a means to an end. He may have cheated on you for your whole relationship and recently he found hiding his assholeness was stupid once he got closer to the citizenship prize.
      Do not sponsor him. People in my country have been hurt financially and had reputations ruined by sponsoring less than desirable people. He has no right to ask you to continue sponsoring his cheating ass. He is the cause of you ending the sponsorship by ignoring your values and dissolving your marriage with his infidelity. Let the troll sponsor him.
      You do not owe him sponsorship. If you knew a young woman who sponsored a young man she married and he beat her on a regular basis would you tell her to keep sponsoring his abusive ass? Then why would you turn around to support your STBX’s abusive ass?
      Listen to CL and CN.
      It takes time to get over the hurt, the betrayal. But a lot of us have survived and we are living different, possibly fuller lives now.

  • He fucks you over and sill wants you to sponsor him?
    NO! NO! NO! NO!

    Get a lawyer and begin the process of not sponsoring him.
    I’m sure there are issues since you have been involved in his process so far.
    Now he has shown you actions of very questionable moral character. It’s downright shitty character but I’m not sure you will use “shitty” on a legal document if you have to explain your withdrawal.

    After that I suggest going No Contact. It is the path to the truth and the light.
    If you can’t grasp going full No Contact right now then do what cheaters do and say you “need a break” then follow through and go live your life narc free!!

    Personally I would go see a lawyer, withdraw my sponsorship and then go no contact. Don’t even tell the asshole you are withdrawing your sponsorship. Let him find out the hard way. Let him be as angry with you as you are with him right now. DO NOT FEEL GUITY!!!!!! He did this. It was his decision to cheat. I was his decision to demand you say you love him after putting your life in jeopardy! (yes cheating puts your life in danger) Take care of yourself!

    • I think Christopher NOT being the one to inform cheater of the sponsorship withdrawal is critical. I predict genuine nauguhyde remorse and false wreckonciliation upon cheater’s realization that he’ll be deported. Christopher, you need to remove yourself from that equation. Choices have consequences. Cheater needs to pay the piper.

    • DO NOT sponsor him! This is a legal commitment that can have lasting consequences. I sponsored my cheating ex and he did eventually go forward with getting citizenship and celebrated with his OW and her whole family. I sacrificed 3 years living in his developing country and signed a commitment of 10 years for him and that’s how I was thanked. Your ex deserves NOTHING but a trip home!

      • I’m a little confused on this sponsorship for citizenship. I assume he got his green card when you got married so he is here legally right now. I don’t believe they revoke the alien (green card) status once you divorce. He can get another sponsor to sponsor his citizenship whenever he wants. So,I’m not sure this is critical to his needing your help in this area. Of course, I may be wrong.

        Sorry, this really sucks and I always hate to hear of yet another chump having to join our site. But, welcome just the same. We have your back!

        • Well, thanks y’all — you gave me a new internet rabbit hole to fall down today! According to http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/free-books/fiance-marriage-visa-book/chapter3-5.html, immigrant sponsorship is a big honking obligation: “A sponsor in a marriage-based case remains legally obligated even after a divorce. Yes, a divorced immigrant spouse could decide to sit on a couch all day and sue the former spouse for support. The sponsor may wish to have the immigrant sign a separate contract agreeing not to do this, but it is not clear whether courts would enforce such a contract.” There’s tons more on NOLO for anyone who’s interested.

          Get thee to an attorney STAT, Christopher!

          • Yes, all very true. However, read carefully. I was a Green Card holder for 28 of the 36 yrs I’ve lived here in the US. I absolutely refused to renounce my country of birth, Canada. I worked the entire time and was solidly married. So, I far surpassed all of this and it would be hard to deport me. However, I didn’t like the risk of it anymore for many reasons (probably instinct, looking back) and finally was proud to get my citizenship. I just had a couple friends (it couldn’t be my hubby or relative) to sign for character witness, and after that much time here, it wasn’t an issue.

            And, damn – did I study hard for that test all summer long and got all 10 questions right! 🙂

            Then, of course, you are free to do what you want, vote and all that fun stuff.
            (you cannot vote as a green card holder)
            And, now that I’m suddenly divorced, I guess my instinct was right on about being caught in a country with just a green card.

            I am also and forever a Canadian citizen. An entire country different from the US because they never strip away your citizenship or MAKE you denounce your country of birth.

  • As hard as it is let him go. 30 years invested here and the only guy i ever trusted left me crying in a ball on the floor. Traci is right. Actions not words count. At 60 ive had to start all over. Financial future shot, trust shot, heart in pieces but pulling back together. We have enough losers native to this country let him go back from whenst he came from. I know it hurts ive cried buckets of tears but slowly it gets better celebrate the little things. Baby steps. Im three years out and it still hurts. If i start to think about asswipe or our time together and what he did i stop and do something to keep my mind busy. I dont even want to think about the good times because in the end his betrayal tainted them too so i dont think about it at all. Ive taken my lessons and moved forward. Asswipe wants to be the best of friends whore juice is wishing me dead daily. Theyve broken up yet again (fourth time) while im healing asswipes life is in shambles haha. He gets and she gets to suffer their decisions. Let him go christopher hes not worth your sanity or your soul these asshole cheaters male and female cant just apoligize thank you for being great not in their nature crush, kill, destroy is their motto. They are selfish asshole losers who cant appreciate what they have or accomplish. They claim they dont want to hurt you more than they already have but they hover just close enough to do exactly that. I will not be asswipes friend what so he can troll my girlfriends for new ass. No you, i, nor anyone else needs friends like that. Your husband didnt give a fuck if he hurt you, neither did mine. We have your back here. I flipped my hair, brushed off my shoulder, straightened my spine, looked asswipe in the eye and told him i stopped caring about him the moment i knew but it took me a very long time to be able to function better. 10 years, 30 years, doesnt matter it hurts. Alot. I will be fine, you will be fine eventually. Tuesday is coming for both of us foe everyone here. Divorce that motherfucker, send him packing let some other troll schumck deal with him. Big hugs from me.

    • Kar Marie I couldn’t have put it better. You took a page out of my book. They suck. End of…

      • Thanks. What a long strange trip is been. We all have each other here. Onward and upward! Cheaters be damned!

        • Very well said Kar Marie, there are so many echoes of my life in your words. I can’t look back on anything to do with him and our life together without it being tainted….so I don’t….luckily he “worked” so much that my kids and I have a wealth of memories that don’t include him.

          The only difference, when the mask fell away, all the lies revealed…..he was honest for the first time and said that he NEVER wants to see me again. Hated every moment of our life together, hated me. The two of them wished me dead daily. It was another wave of betrayal, etc. at the time, sent me crying for days/months every time his words rang in my ears (usually in the middle of the night).but now I see it for what it was … A blessing. Showed me exactly what disordered, selfish losers they were. I’ve joined my kids in the feeling that there is no reason to ever see or talk to him again.

          Hugs to you Christopher, stay strong, divorce him, stop sponsoring him. There is a world of people who care about you, who will NEVER treat you this way.

          And I agree Kar Marie..such a long strange trip. Onward and Upward !! Cheaters and their partners, along with their minions be damned !

    • 38 years wasted for me. I turn 60 next year. Why didn’t I leave after D-Day #1? (Not 3 years into our marriage) It was a 1 night stand, he showed great remorse, we went to counseling And I believed it would never happen again. It took 4 D-Days (that I know of), To finally pull the plug. He just became a super stealth, serial cheating gaslighter, hiding behind the mask of loving husband and family man. They know how to manipulate you. Cheaters don’t change. Why would they, especially if you are willing to take them back! I now know for sure from my therapist who specializes in people healing from pathological love relationships, that my STBXH is a full fledged anti social (sociopath) pathological narcissist! The man I loved since I was 19 years old. THESE PEOPLE ARE INCAPABLE OF SUSTAINING POSITIVE CHANGE!!!! They are just wired differently, a factory defect if you will. Nothing can fix them. They are broken. As much as we don’t want it to be true, as much as we want want we used to have, we are not in control of their character or lack thereof. He has shown you how cruelly he is capable of treating you. He has shown no empathy. That is the #1 mark of a pathological person. I’M so sorry, but cut your losses. I so wish that I had… Big hugs,

  • I think you should look for the nearest lawyer to help you untangle this mess. If you were married here you will need to go through the legal process here. Narcissitists cannot keep that mask on but so long. You can’t fix him. You need to protect yourself.

  • Christopher: A simple “Hell to the no!” will do. He’s using you (because that’s the main thing cheaters do). Lawyer up and have the lawyer insert 10 different phrases for “buh bye” as cheater has to go back to his own country.

  • So, I’m going to join this conversation as an immigrant just to say that we do not know where this fuckwit cheater is from. I think that if he is from a plafe where coming back could be a danger to himself you should consider still sponsoring him but otherwise cut all emotional ties and go No Contact, even fuckwits should be safe (let’s also remember that this asshole is gay and that there are many places in the world where this could be a death sentence). If he is from a safe place even if economically shitty I would say “Fuck him!”.

    I know I’m coming at this question from a different point of view. I’m Venezuelan and in this country on a student Visa. My ex was Danish, through him i got Danish residency but then I gave it up to come back to America for him. I know I still have a shot at being sponsored for a work visa, but I’m still always scared that I’ll have to go home eventually. I had my entire safety net pulled from under me. I know it is different because i didn’t cheat, but still I also didn’t choose to be Venezuelan and my Ex didn’t “earned” coming from a safer more developed place.

    • I asked — he’s from England.

      Hardly repressive, except for the weird way in which they use vowels.

      But good point. (I didn’t include it, as it wasn’t in the original letter.)

      • I’m sorry but I don’t agree. If it was so vitally important he would have treated his sponsor with more respect and kindness. Sponsoring him just ties them together when it is vitally important to cut ties. He will continue to hurt his spouse if he gets sponsored. Not Christopher’s circus not his monkeys….

          • Yeah I’m from the U.K. He’s perfectly safe here. In fact there’s some fabulous gay communities in some awesome cities. And he can fuck around to his heart’s content. The weather is shit though. He’s in more danger of drowning, freezing to death or his cold tin heart going rusty.

      • Yeah, okay. I’m back on camp “Fuck him!”. Sponsoring him will also forced Christopher to be in a bunch more contact with fuckwit and Chris doesn’t need that in this life.

      • Bloomin’ cheek, CL! After all those pints you swallowed, you should know better. WE speak the Queens English! And it is ‘vahse’ for vase, and ‘root’ not ‘rowte’ for ‘route’!

            • Tempest – “so is wanker” – you cracked me up this morning. Thanks for that. Now, Christopher – you have definitely come to a place to regain your power! Chump Nation is a group of people from different places all over the world and everyone here has the same story pretty much.

              Lying cheats, never change. Chalk this up to a lesson you needed to learn and divorce this man.

              Hope will destroy you when you are dealing with people of this sort. They do not care about you, things will not change and you are so much better off without him, you just don’t see it yet.

              Think of it this way – you could have spent another 20 years on top of the ten that you’ve already wasted with this POS, be in your 50s or 60s trying to start over. Count your blessings and divorce him. Protect yourself for your future and take time to heal.

              Throw hope out the window in this instance and stand up for yourself. You deserve it!

              As far as continuing to sponsor him? Hell no, I’d report him to immigration and make sure they were on his tail. Do it. Don’t feel badly about it – you owe this man nothing. NOTHING!!!

              Yes it hurts, but it will not be forever. You will be OK.

  • Black or white, straight or gay, cheaters suck in every race, religion and sexual orientation. Little comfort to you right now Christopher but you will soon learn that universal truth. Once you learn it, then you have to trust that he sucks. He does.

    He’s not different or special. He’s a run of the mill cheater that is still trying to extract whatever residual worth he still believes you have.

    He claims he wants to be friends…most of them do….mine did. Like your husband, my ex only contacted me when he needed something from me. He didn’t care about me. I still had worth. I didn’t say no at first but a couple of months after being away from him I blocked him from my phone. Just to make it easier on myself. I kept him blocked even after I understood that “no” was a complete sentence because no contact is the only way to go if you want to heal!

    This sucks. We all know it but you have a whole nation available to support you. Take one step at a time and detach from him. Hire a lawyer and don’t sponsor his citizenship. We have enough entitled assholes that were born here. It wouldn’t be a tragedy to export an entitled jerk from whatever country is unfortunate enough to call him a citizen!

    Major Jedi hugs coming your way!

  • You have a humdinger of a cake eater there. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Do not sponsor him.
    There are things called consequences. They are like Kryptonite to a cheater – although they don’t mind one bit of the consequences other people suffer, but that is nothing you have done.

    Cut your losses and move on. Sorry again.

  • I will add that even the fear of losing his sponsorship didn’t keep him from cheating. That’s a pretty serious consequence on top of the obvious consequence of trashing your marriage. If such severe consequences don’t matter to him now, they won’t matter to him a year from now, or in five years, or ever. He walked into his affair knowing that he was risking his marriage AND his citizenship, and he did it anyway. It was his choice. I’ll put on my mom hat and suggest that he will learn a lot more in the long run by being forced to deal with the repercussions of his actions than by being bailed out. Will he see it that way? Of course not. Neither does my preschooler. I’m just a big ol’ meanie, and your ex will probably throw a similar tantrum. If you play with fire, expect to get burned.

    • Christopher, I think that he just had a tremendous amount of arrogance and entitlement which led him to believe that he could ‘manage’ you into doing whatever he wanted. Time to become user unfriendly!

      • I had the same thoughts. The sense of entitlement with this one is strong. All of us here have been devalued in many horrible ways, but it evidences a new level not just of entitlement but of disrespect to cheat on and, excuse me, shit on the person who has the power to get you deported. Wow. I hope you start the divorce process ASAP!

        • I do not believe he has the power to get him deported if the fuckwit already has a green card, due to marriage.

  • Christopher, I think the things that bothers me most about your situation is that he wants you to be friends and hold out hope that you’ll get back together.

    My ex did that to me too, and even now, at 2.5 years from my own d-day he’s shocked that I don’t want to be his pal and chat on the phone with him like old times.

    My ex doesn’t deserve a moment more of my precious time and neither does your soon to be ex. He doesn’t deserve your friendship.

    These narcs think that if you’ll be their pal afterwards, and maybe even their fuckbuddy, well, that must mean they didn’t really hurt you so much and no harm done, we’re all good.

    That’s just bullshit. The pain you’re feeling right now is proof of that and they have no right to minimize it.

    Please believe that, as CL says, this pain really is finite. In the meantime you must find your own dignity and pride and hold your head up and walk away from him. It doesn’t make you “mean” or “petty” — it makes you right and strong. He doesn’t get to rip out your heart and then act like it was no big deal.

    One foot in front of the other, Christopher, is all you can do. Walk away. Go no contact. Realize that when you’ll do he’ll up the charm offensive. But you deserve better and can have better. First, however, you must walk through the pain and for that, I’m sorry.

    • Agreed ML. Mine romanticized our friendship by saying that “he wanted to be the first one I called when something good or bad happened to me.” Um, something bad did happen to me – him! And of course he would want to be the first one I would call – so he can take advantage of me whether it’s a good or bad thing that happened. Plus they just want to keep you hooked. Like you said – walk away.

  • It occurred to me (slowly, because I am a chump), that you Christopher are in the power seat here.

    YOU could ask him to tearfully tell YOU how much he loves you.

    You could dangle that citizenship sponsorship over his snotty little nose like a dog treat.

    How bad do you want it, cheater? Huh? Huh? Bad enough to pick me dance?

    But you’re a nice person, Christopher. And I’m sure you wouldn’t take such churlish advice from me…. (but let me plant that suggestion in your head.)

      • Oh man, CL, I am laughing my ass off on this one! Fun to see you cook up a particularly devious form of pay-back, something many of us here struggle with, as in is it Meh? No, not really but it sure would be fun!

  • “‘We spent so many years together. It’s difficult for me to see my life without him and I don’t want to. I feel like that would kill me.’

    It won’t kill you. Living with his constant devaluing of you will kill you.”

    This. I lived with constant devaluing for many years. My health was completely shot. By the time my marriage was over I wanted to die. It was horrible.

    Also, Christopher, have you been tested for STDs? You need to get tested ASAP and don’t ever have sex with him again. I’m really sorry.

    • This.

      Cheating isn’t “just” about the betrayal. It’s also about the fact that the one you trust the most has physically endangered you! Dollars to doughnuts he’s not using any kind of protection. Get tested and then wait and get retested for STDs.

    • Elizabeth Lee, very true…..the devaluing will kill you. Before I found out about the cheating, asswipe devalued, emotionally and mentally discarded me. I did the pick me dance without even knowing I was in a competition, and the fucker, let me. DDay, that was the last straw, tossed his ass out, best thing I ever did. I promised myself I will never allow that again in my life from anyone. Very empowering, indeed!

  • Christopher,
    I am so very sorry that you have to endure this pain and heartache. Know that you are a loving & trustworthy human being. The pain, in my experience, comes from the inability to comprehend how someone who we’ve loved and cared for can just toss us away without any emotion or feeling. These thoughts kept me paralyzed for months after I was discarded. There is no quick way to process the hurt. But, in the meantime, trust that Chump lady & Chump Nation have your back. The sooner you can practice no contact the sooner you will begin to heal from this mindfuckery. Get a lawyer & get away from this emotional vampire. Do not sponsor him. Know that he will continue to use and discard everyone he comes in contact with. You will survive and thrive. Do not give up. Give yourself time and you will be whole once again. (((((Hugs))))))

  • I could be mistaken, but when you sponsor a person for citizenship doesn’t that make you financially responsible for them? That you are telling the government that you will make sure to support them in the event that they are unable to support themselves so they don’t “burden” the government. If this is correct then OH HELL NO. I would be very hesitant to agree to be financially responsible to anybody, especially somebody so callous with my heart.

    • That is true StrawberryJellyfish and you make a good point. If the government has already accepted your affidavit that you will sponsor your husband, then you can’t revoke it. You can revoke it if it hasn’t been accepted by the US immigration yet.

      Bottom line Christopher, you need an immigration lawyer to help you with this. I think we were all assuming that you could just drop him but that’s not always true.

      • Christopher, I am so sorry for your pain! Your STBX’s entitlement is unbelievable and refusing consequences for their despicable actions is unfortunately very common among cheaters.

        You will need to learn to build healthier boundaries for your own healing and future well-being. This starts with you filling for divorce ASAP and then make immigration aware of your pending divorce immediately as you file. A condition to immigrate to the US is to demonstrate good character, and the evidence you have, along with your impeding divorce will take that into account to hopefully revoke his status.

        Please get tested for STDs too, and document everything as you go NC.

        Your STBX is highly toxic in his entitlement, which means you probably are going to have a long road to recover from 9 years of gaslighting. Focus on you and your best interests. As you start NC, keep in mind that him being back in his country is the best possible scenario for you here. Removing all options for your STBX to “stop by” and remain in contact with you post-divorce is a blessing in disguise. You probably won’t see this now, but many chumps, including this one, would love more distance from their cheaters post-divorce…

  • I live in England. I think you should send him back home even though I don’t want him around either.

  • Wow, the nerve of this guy to ask that you continue to sponsor him for his citizenship, after he cheats on you. Why doesn’t he have his fuckbuddy sponsor him? Or why doesn’t he have his work sponsor him for his green card or citizenship? You know what will happen right? Once he gets his citizenship, he’ll leave you high and dry anyway is my guess. This has happened to some people I know and it’s never pleasant to realize you’re being used. This is exactly what this guy is doing to you, completely using you for his own benefit. And that makes him a charlatan. Are you sure he didn’t marry you in the first place to get citizenship?? I’d wonder if this marriage was a total sham in the first place.

    • And you know what? If he’d entered into a relationship with you, openly saying that this was a marriage of convenience for citizenship–well, that’d be one thing. For him to lead you on, thinking that he loves you, then cheating on you while still believing that he’s entitled to your sponsorship?

      Fuck that and dump his sorry ass!

    • Kellia – I would assume by getting married, he’s already applied and received his green card – which makes him permanently a resident alien. So, he’s already been sponsored by his husband who no longer needs to keep the government up to date. What I do wonder about is how long must a couple be married so it doesn’t appear to be an ‘arranged marriage’, in order to obtain that green card. They may frown on any marriage of 2-3 yrs and will automatically revoke his green-card. His sponsorship for citizenship is different and yes, they must agree to be proper citizens and swear on it, but I’m not remembering them making me promise to anything regarding character for a green card. But, I may have a poor memory.
      Again, once he’s got that green card in his hand, it’s his for life and you never hear from the govt again.

      However, he risks having a child run in front of his car and get killed and a jury may decide he’s guilty of manslaughter and a jury may decide to deport him, married or not.

    • I wonder if there is an argument for getting the marriage annulled if there is any evidence that he really did marry Christopher basically for a green card… and what are the legal consequence of that. Of course it goes both ways, Christopher has to be careful that he doesn’t get sucked into a legal argument that he committed some sort of fraud. All the more reason to get thee to a lawyer to sort out the best way to protect yourself.

      • Excellent point, CAGal – ‘Christopher has to be careful that he doesn’t get sucked into a legal argument that he committed some sort of fraud. All the more reason to get thee to a lawyer to sort out the best way to protect yourself”.

        Now, THIS is scary!

        There was a old movie called The Green Card and I believe it dealt with just this issue. Not sure. With Gérard Depardieu.

  • Hugs, Christopher. I know this hurts like crazy. I know what it feels like to be paralyzed with grief. I know what it is to wish that maybe I just got it all wrong. Hope dies hard. Wishes can’t make a toxic relationship with your cheater into sunshine and rainbows. I know it’s hard to hear, but Sweetie, that is what the reality is for you. His actions are where the truth is in your marriage. Not what he says, but what he does. That is what is real.

    Get your ducks in a row. Make copies of all your important papers and keep them in a safe place. Go to your bank and withdraw half of all the money. Put that in a separate account under your name only. Get the things that are important to you out of the house to a safe place. SEE A LAWYER asap. Protect yourself. Move his shit out and dump it on his boyfriend’s doorstep.

    He is treating you like an enemy. Believe his actions, not his words. He will continue to treat you like his enemy. He will take, and take and take, because that’s what they do. They don’t give a rat’s ass about how you feel. Sponsoring him will be your helping him abuse you further. Oh. Hell. No!

    Time to get pissed….how dare he treat someone who loves him that way! I’m pissed on your behalf. He’s an evil twit and doesn’t deserve jack shit from you!

    You deserve so much better.

    • We get caught up on the citizenship issue, which is important, but Christopher, what Tessie says is key to your long-term recovery. Get your ducks in a row to protect yourself. For sure, see a lawyer to make sure you are protecting yourself financially.

  • The chumps on this board would not even ask to borrow a used Kleenex after treating someone as badly as your cheater has treated you! And this guy wants sponsorship – that takes balls…….

    Follow Tracy’s advice and focus on actions versus words. It has taken me far too long to realize that is what matters. Your cheaters actions are deplorable just on face value (don’t let troll see you, etc) but when you throw in the request for continued legal assistance/sponsorship that is downright galling. Even if you don’t initiate divorce, talk to your lawyer and withdraw your sponsorship immediately.

    I know that because you are “nice” and a chump, you feel pulling your support would be “mean” or could increase chances you will never reconcile…..but I followed similarly flawed logic – and made so many concessions to my cheater (helped him pick A new car to lease, encouraged kids to stay in touch, helped him find apartment after kicking him out, etc.). I ridiculously imagined my “niceness” would change his mind – and that frequent casual “fun” contact would ensure he didn’t forget about me and remind his how great life with me and our three kids could be….BUT…it only caused me more pain and had no imipact on him except assuaging his guilt.

    Please keep in touch with CN – BEING BETRAYED IS HARD! I too struggle to see reality vs. what I want things to be. I read somewhere that infidelity kills your relationship and it kills your future. For me, after 33 years together, it is hard to envision a different future – but I will get there.

    Finally, if I could share anything with you from my own experience, it is that you are letting him “steal” more of your time and more of your “love” by hanging on. I have hung on for nearly 1.5 years since Dday and I am just starting to be honest with the hopelessness of my situation. Similar to you, I expect my cheater to suddenly feel remorse and come to his senses and work on our relationship. Instead, after I kicked him out in Feb, he has just spent most of the time since staying at the ho-workers house (26 years his Junior – so gross). But he keeps throwing out hope that we might reconcile – and I keep grabbing on to that sliver of hope….and as a result I am a depleted and devastated human being that used to be very competent.

    What helped me recently was to visualize a picture of me as a toddler displayed on my parents mantel — a gorgeous, healthy, rosy cheeked child untouched by 50 more years of living. When I think about whether my parents (or God for that matter) would ever want that child to be treated so shabbily, I knew that I deserved to love and be loved in a way I hadn’t experienced in years.

    So please please please – look in the mirror right now and see the beautiful person before you – a kind and caring man with an enormous heart who deserves better. And yank that sponsorship paper right out from under that disordered spouse of yours. I know it’s hard to believe he sucks….but he really, really, really does suck. And in time, you will realize you are better off without him.

    xo,
    Tired Chump

    • Tired, once you let go of that hopium dream and that cheater, you will not only regain your former competence but get to levels you never thought possible. Living with a cheater (physically or having the cheater colonizing your mind) is to live with constant devaluation. From your post, I surmise that you are now no contact (I hope) and moving toward that cheater-free life. Just think of how far along you will be in 6 months if you put the effort to be “fun” and kind to yourself. And please let us know how you’re doing.

      • ‘…or having the cheater colonising your mind is to live with constant devaluation’. This is so true, LaJ. You need to get him out of your head Christopher. Build that wall in your mind. I read here recently one of our chump sisters who imagines a ton of bricks falling on her cheater ex and his schmoopie whenever she gets the ‘mind movies’. I’m in week 8 post-D day now & I’ve been using that technique since and it’s working. Sometimes I just imagine a brick wall in front of the scene in my mind. The devaluation and discardment sucks…it shakes and destroys your confidence and self worth. I was preparing a job application over the weekend. I’m very qualified for this job I’m applying for. Monday morning I had one final push to edit the cover letter ready to send and I got an attack of doubt. In my mind was all the horrible criticisms he would yell at me if ever I questioned why he wasn’t present in the relationship, or who were these women texting and phoning all hours, or whose tits were those photos in his phone. I started to think ‘I look good for this job on paper, but What if I do suck and I’m worthless in person?’. It took a few hours of crying and prayer but I worked through the self-doubt and shook off his crap – I am ok, he wasn’t normal, I was a loving, faithful spouse, he was a cheater and sucks, I am worth more than that. I deserve to be treated better and so do you. I got my application finished and sent. You can resist the mind fuckery, and move on too. Get that lawyer. Build a mental wall. Every day that passes you are walking further and further away from his dishonesty and other crap. Be mighty. Love yourself.

  • I’m in the exactly same situation although we are not married his sponsorship is due in the summer. His family are pressurising me to forgive after he fathered a child and cheated with countless women. I am not going to sponsor him and neither should you. Let the other man sponsor him. Entitled assholes that’s what they are

  • TC chiming in again to share a post from my sister with all of you brave and mighty men and women of CN. I have had a very very hard three weeks facing reality, and support like this often helps…..

    IN CASE YOU FORGOT TO REMIND YOURSELF THIS MORNING….
    YOUR BUTT IS PERFECT. YOUR SMILE LIGHTS UP THE ROOM. YOUR MIND IS INSANELY COOL. YOU ARE WAY MORE THAN ENOUGH. AND YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB AT LIFE.

    • Your sister rocks. And this is what it looks like when someone loves you. Your post reminds us all of a very important life fact: that there is all kinds of love, not just married or romantic love. We need to value the love we have for and receive from our relatives, friends, and pets. Some of us came from families where love was doled out in teaspoons and laden with conditions, but we are adults now and can choose a healthier way.

    • Thanks for sharing, TC. Surrounding ourselves with those who love us, see as for the good ones we r and appreciate us, is a very important step to healing. Letting go of all the suckers who abuse us, is a must.

    • Awesome, TC.

      Now, show of hands–how many of us heard anything even remotely that complimentary from our cheaters?….Waiting……Yeah, I thought so.

  • Christopher–

    I’m so sorry to be welcoming you to this club that no one wants to join, but we have your back here.

    You’re only 3 weeks out. That’s hardly enough time to process the extent of the betrayal. You’re still in spackling mode. You want something that explains why your husband would do this to you. You want there to be a reason. If you know the reason, then you think you can fix it.

    I will tell you now, the reason he cheats is because he can. It’s that simple. He chose to cheat.

    Trying to figure out the whys and wherefores is trying to untangle the skein of fuckedupness. You can’t do that, Christopher, because your head isn’t wired for deceit the way his is. Normal people can’t understand crazy.

    Please remember that once you file for divorce, he’s going to try to hoover you back in because he needs you to sponsor him. He’ll lie, gaslight, and blameshift. He’ll try to make you feel that it’s your fault he cheated, or perhaps that he was lost in cheater-fog. This is where you need a good therapist who helps you understand that you control ONLY you. And Cheater controls himself. You didn’t make him cheat. He chose to cheat. You aren’t screwing up his chances of citizenship. HE is doing that on his own.

    Besides, his new boyfriend can sponsor him. Oh sure, it’ll take a few extra years, but he’ll get there.

    As for you? Take care of yourself. Get a good therapist and a good lawyer. Divorce your cheater’s sorry ass, and work on healing and then fixing your picker.

    There are good men out there who’d love to have someone as caring as you.

    {{Hugs}}

  • “I feel like deep down he does care. He must.” There is a huge posibility, Christopher that he does not. Please consider that. It was a game changer to me when I finally realized ( with a help from CL and CN) that I never meant to my husband what he meant to me. I was projecting my feelings, my loyalty, honesty and investment on him. From his side only a minimum was there. Tiny bits which kept me living on hopium for almost 16 years. It hurts like hell to face the truth but u CAN survive. The pain will pass. Hugs.

    • ‘I never meant to him what he meant to me’…THIS. And it’s because he hasn’t got it in him, he is flawed, not because you/we weren’t worthy. Don’t accept him giving you a few crumbs now and then, dump the hopium pipe, and leave him in your dust. You can do this!

    • This is a definite possibility. It’s also possible that deep down Christopher’s husband DOES love him. The thing I had to come to terms with, though, is that it doesn’t mean anything and won’t change their behavior. My ex loved me, but the fun of screwing around outweighed the responsibility of comment. He wanted to be a better man, but he’s not, and he won’t be, because change is hard and cheaters don’t do hard. (Get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I mean! ?) Love doesn’t conquer all when love is lazy.

      • I don’t believe that disordered cheaters mean the same thing we do when they use the word “love”–which requires respect, affection, caring and empathy.

        • I agree LovedaJackass. For them “love” doesn’t imply permanency, like it does for us. It’s just a term they use for how they feel at the moment. It’s not I love you forever, like the way likely feel.

  • Here’s the thing, Christopher: right now you are drowning in a whirlpool of emotions. So was I. So we’re all of us. I rejected hard advice, I rationalized, I denied. And it’s ok. I was a sobbing, blathering, desperate mess. All I wanted was my wife and family back, intact. It took me eight months to file for divorce. Notice I do not write “to come to my senses” and file. I was still an emotional mess. But what I was able to do is realize that I was making decisions (or not making decisions) based on emotion, not reason. I forced myself to drive to the attorney and file. When I say “forced,” I mean it. I made myself physically drive there, crying the whole way, wrapped in a terrible struggle between objective reality (evidence that my wife did not love me and was a terrible person) and my still-intense desire and false hope that she would come back. I FORCED myself to say the words to my attorney, “I am ready to file. Let’s do it.” Was I emotionally ready? No way. But I did have faith in myself that eventually my emotions would catch up with my rationality. And they did. It took a few years.

    You must extricate yourself from this toxic person. And you can. You really can. And moreover, you will be Ok. If I can do it, so can you. Be strong. Just do it. The rest will follow and you will once again be happy, you will love, and you will be loved.

  • Christopher, you can’t believe that your Cheater Husband doesn’t care because that, for you, would be unthinkable. However, check the evidence. You say he is already cheating on the AP. That pretty much tells you what he is. Now it may take you a year or more to fully grasp the reality that you were married to an entitled person with a character disorder. But it is very important that you start now to learn about what he is and what has happened to you, or you might spend years hoping to get back with someone who is a hyena (or a hologram or a monster in an “Edgar suit,” in case you’ve seen “Men in Black”).

    * Get Tracy’s book now. Read the book. And keep re-reading it.
    * Go to the “Resources” tab and read as much as you can. Dr. Simon’s work on character disorder will help you start to figure out that there is nothing you can do to change the situation and everything you can do to make sure you don’t take up with another disordered person.
    * Go back and read Friday’s mightiness check. Imagine what you want to be writing this time next year.
    * Please go no contact. That means block him on your phone and text messaging. Block him on social media. Don’t send those sad, long, “I want you back” or “How could you” emails. Yeah, most of us have been down that road and lived to regret it. Don’t feed a disordered person ego kibbles. Maintain your dignity. You are the wronged party here.
    * Follow Tessie’s advice and find a tough attorney to protect your financially. Consider filing for divorce NOW. When the divorce is final in 6 months or a year from now, if you stay “no contact” you can be on the other side of this.
    * Find a really good therapist to help you work through the pain. You need someone to keep telling you that you can’t go back to him, even if he wants to.
    * Make a list of your faithful, caring friends and relatives. Lean on them through the tough times. I would not have made it without my best friend who flew 2,000 miles to stay with me while I was too destroyed to think straight.

    Infidelity hurts like nothing else. And I don’t just mean the psychological pain (the hamster wheel of desperate thoughts that don’t end) or the emotional pain that literally feels like your insides have been permanently damaged. It wears you down physically as well. And yet our first thoughts as chumps are about how to make it all as if it never happened. But there is no way to unknow what you know, to unsee what you have seen. Chances are this is not his first foray into infidelity. He’s just gotten sure enough of you to abuse you in this egregious way. If you stay in contact with him, you are just reinforcing his belief that you can be abused over and over again. So–get some door locks. Block his access to phone, text and email. Get your financial papers organized and your ducks in a row. Lawyer up. Take care of you.

    • LaJ, wow, that is a very succinct summary of the steps one should follow after D-day. Christopher, I know you’re in a world of pain right now, but please follow the advice of Chump Lady and everyone here, including the checklist above. Sending karmic hugs.

    • LaJ, oh my gosh – some of what I did when i was in S-NC, which I will now define as “Sorta No Contact” was truly “cringeworthy.” Maybe Tracy can do a post on “most embarrassing no contact bloopers/outtakes.” That’s when you block the cheater and then miss them and then can’t beleive they barely notice you are no contact – and then react to one of the “hoover attempts to suck you back in. In my husband’s case, he incredulously texted “are you boycotting me?” – yes I have sunk into the cheater ooze and sent some really undignified. text or made frantic middle of the night phone calls.
      For me it was constant apologizing for his accusations: I was sorry that I was “not grateful enough” “not sexy enough” “stayed home with the kids for a few years” “coddled the kids too much” didn’t make sure child A had a summer job before she studied abroad etc., etc.

      I feel like I need to be deprogrammed. But let me tell you as the memories start to flow, I am getting mad after 1.5 years of being sad

      • Good for you. I had the very best of chump situations. I wasn’t married to Jackass. While we had a long friendship (so I thought) the relationship part was relatively short. I have a job, no kids, a home, etc.. I have a therapist who said, first thing, “You can’t ever go back.” And STILL I had fantasies about him changing his mind, or just being “friends with benefits” or getting that letter saying how bad he screwed up…And I wrote pages and pages of stuff to him (and thankfully only sent two).

        We have to just forgive ourselves for that stuff. That’s the great thing about this site, though; we can truly learn from the experiences of others. I know there were times I wanted to backslide but I thought about what people here would say about maintaining “no contact” and I would get through another cheater-free day.

        • Tired Chump – I love this idea! “most embarrassing no contact bloopers/outtakes.”

          Like you mean, when the time he told me, when I caught him red handed, ‘oh-my-god, I want to shoot myself’.
          And I said, ahh, honey, don’t worry – it was JUST an affair.

          3 yr affair – DOH!

          I have so many more.

  • It can be a loving act to allow someone to experience the consequences of their choices. Release yourself from an obligation that is no longer yours. Release it with love, with anger, let it be simple.

    It is a loving act to yourself to turn your attention and energy to yourself, your sensations of the place you are, your simple pleasures.

    Block his calls. Ask a trusted friend maybe to act as an intermediary communicator until the legal stuff is done.

    Good luck.

  • Christopher,

    Your ex has a wonderful sense of entitlement — but know that you owe him nothing. It was a conscious choice to cheat. A process in which he implicitly summed up the value he placed on your 10-year relationship, and it was less than his entitlement to f*ck someone else. The mature thing would have been to discuss or fix whatever he felt was missing from your relationship, not f*ck a troll, because that sure enough isn’t going to fix it.

    It hurts right now because you think he cares and you think you can fix this. I’m sorry, but you can’t.

    Protect yourself emotionally and financially. Get a lawyer. And deport his sorry a$$ back to England.
    Like Limey Chump, I agree we don’t need any more cheaters on this island, but your ex deserves to have his world turned upside down, and feel the consequences of his choices.

    I wish you much strength. Don’t go chasing unicorns.

  • Christopher, let him go totally! Back to England and see a lawyer about divorce! Funny how all these fuckwit cheaters get all legalistic when they want to extract assets, time and above all things thier claim to marriage for citizenship! Just WOW! Where was thier legal mind when they were destroying your legal marriage? Answer: these assholes only pull the legal aspects of so-called “fairness” out of there wretched little minds when it benefits them! To ask Christopher to still sponsor this fuckwit, at least to me, amounts to perpetrating a fraud on immigration! That folks is illegal last time I looked! I would tell “Romeo” to get ready to pack for England and don’t forget his umbrella and his new lover!

  • Christopher, please listen to the wise advice for the others. Take care of yourself, eat, sleep, get supportive people in your corner. Remember, we teach others how to treat us……treat yourself with respect and get out of this toxic situation. (I’m not even calling it a relationship because that takes two people and he surely is not in it.)

  • Christopher – My heart goes out to you, as do the hearts of the probably 200+ people that will ultimately comment on your situation.

    It may not register as it should right now, but you have been given an enormous gift in the midst of this nightmare – access to people who have lived exactly what you have lived and are living, felt the same exact emotions you are feeling, and had to make the exact decisions you have to make in the same traumatized condition.

    I hope you can benefit from the experience of those who’ve learned some hard lessons and are here for no other reason than to help you. Time has shown me there is treasure trove of wisdom here.

  • …”and he told me to tell him I still loved him.” That is mental and emotional abuse to the max…..I want to smack him in the head. How demeaning that must have been for you….I’m so sorry for your pain. HUGS!

  • Christopher, one thing that may help you be strong in this: this guy needs to be a better person than he is. To the extent that there is even a tiny chance of that happening, it will depend on him suffering consequences for what he did. When you keep sponsoring him, keep supporting him, beg him to come back, etc, it just reinforces in his mind that what he did is not so bad, and there is no need to change. You still want him back, still sponsor him… that is NO CONSEQUENCES. Narcissists don’t care about your pain. They only care about their own. If you want them to know something is a bad thing to do, they have to feel it themselves. Give him the one slim chance of becoming a better person by forcing him to face the consequences of what he did–the loss of the relationship, the loss of sponsorship, etc. He probably still won’t change. But it is the only chance he has. Divorce him, drop him, unsponsor him and remind yourself that it is for his good as well as yours. You get a cheater-free life; he faces consequences

  • First call – Divorce Attorney

    Second call – Immigration

    Third call – Your cell service and BLOCK HIS ASS FROM CONTACT.

    You are mighty and you know it. Gay or straight, a cheater doesn’t change… Liars gonna lie, cheaters gonna cheat.

  • I thought I would die when I realized he was a cheating fool. Can’t remember how I got to Chumplady.com but I do remember reading “no contact ” and later “hoovering”. I wanted to believe I had a special snowflake. Kept coming here day after day and every day I read something that someone else had posted that happened to them that had happened to me. No special snowflake just a typical cheating turd. Almost 3 years out and it’s only recently I’ve started to forgive myself for a broken picker. You gave that man enough in 10 years so it’s time to give him the boot.

    • Chumpy – Your wrote: ” Kept coming here day after day and every day I read something that someone else had posted that happened to them that had happened to me” THIS!!! Exactly, day after day I read the posts here and I can’t believe how similar these cheaters are. Now when I hear of infidelity in my circle, i’m able to sniff the lies a mile away. Yeah right our neighbor is leaving his wife and moving in with his female “friend”. They’re just friends supposedly, suuuuuuuure.

      • Yeah same here. EVERY time I read a new post I’m like ‘check, check, check, Oooh that too? Check…check…’ It really helps to clarify things!

  • Sounds like he is tossing you the smallest of crumbs to keep you ensnared so you won’t withdraw sponsorship and have his ass deported. Christopher, just reading your letter, I could feel his level of contempt for you. It is very hard for chumps to grasp this, so incredibly painful. But it is the truth: he is dangling “friendship” in front of you to use you. He does not care about you in the slightest. He feels CONTEMPT for you now, because you want him back even though he treated you — and continues to treat you — like shit. I’m sorry Christopher, but he’s not going to change. Straight, gay, male, female, whatever religion, whatever race….. read here awhile and you’ll see these disordered types are all alike and they never change, other than to get worse.

    I have no idea how the immigration/sponsorship program works, but do whatever is required to divorce this nasty man and then send him packing back to his homeland. With an ocean between you, it will be easier to move on with your life.

  • Christopher can love him from here to eternity, but he doesn’t have to subject himself to abuse. Just because you love someone it doesn’t mean they love and respect you back. It’s time for Christopher to detach from his cheater.

  • Christopher, you are in the teeth of the bear trap. I am so sorry. My heart breaks when I hear the stories here, but because I KNOW it gets better (I’m further along) I have attempt a contribution.

    You will get supremely helpful advice here. Jessie and LovedaJackass covered some serious basics. I’ll stick to my expertise. I echo Elizabeth Lee’s suggestion re STD testing. Critical. And repeat testing. Just make the appointment. Don’t think about it. Just DO IT.

    Get help. Also critical. The amount of pain reflected in your letter to Tracy is palpable, so when you go for testing, tell your family Dr. what is going on. Because you are having anxiety ask for medication. Anxiolytics can be short acting and not leave lingering after effects. And they will be a temporary measure. When you really need them there is very little need to worry about dependency. If you are alcoholic or addicted to other substances, then use Holy Basil (some swear by it) or other non-addictives and avoid trouble.

    In the times when you feel at your limit of tolerance (better yet, before that) call a friend, family member, or a Crisis Line. Enter all of the #s into your phone or have with you at all times. Let it out. Very important.

    Find a therapist. No matter what it costs. As important as a ‘bulldog lawyer’. Ask everyone for recommendations. Change if you feel misunderstood or don’t like. Be discerning. You deserve the best care in this area, as your entire central nervous system has been altered by this abusive behaviour. You have disorganized neural pathways, neurotransmitter imbalance and cognitive dissonance. So, you can’t possibly know what is in your best interests in relation to your husband. BUT, you WILL, with a little help.

    No Contact or Grey Rock until it is all sorted out. AllOutofKibble is a prominent preacher of this CL teaching and she is absolutely right. It is like stopping the heroin as a first step in addiction control. Grey Rock method is explained here:

    http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

    You must be able to sleep. The anxiolytics will help with this. The alternative is disastrous.

    Establish a strong support network. No wishy washy types. Let them be, even if that is family and old friends. You need strength. You have instant support here. Instant and 24/7. And consistently wise, funny and the greatest blessings. They have been through it all.

    We are with you and send massive hugs.

    • This is such valuable advice, especially explained in terms of the biology of the body. Thanks, Virago!

      • Virago – I love the Gray Rock theory. I knew it as the “Robot Mode” theory, where you show no emotion, no kind of drama and just simply act like an automaton with the disordered and therefore, they can’t read you and lose interest and leave. Gray Rock goes further to explain why the cheater will seek drama elsewhere, because we’re boring. I’m a total believer of Gray Rock, and I must say it truly works!!

        • Oh wow. I’ve just read that. Could’ve done with it 2 years ago but he’s not gonna know what hit him now (but he certainly won’t realise it was a gray rock! ?)

  • Christopher–

    My hope for you is that you get intensive counseling. You are the victim of serious abuse. I wish you would find someone who is gay-friendly, who understands the challenges of growing up gay, and helps you to reclaim the self esteem which is rightfully yours. My heart breaks for you, sweetie! You are confusing abuse with love. Nobody deserves to be treated with such disrespect and humiliation. I am 100% positive that the cheating was not the first evidence of abuse. He lured you in with love bombing, then devalued you bit by bit, and now you believe that love can only come from him. He is a monster, my dear.

    Can you find a counselor?

    Hugs!

  • You are lucky in a way because he is not gaslighting you- he is making it clear that he is USING YOU! Christopher, you deserve so much better! You are not a doormat- you are a good person who deserves love and respect. He couldn’t even keep it together long enough to prevent deportation. Guess what? Kick his ass back to England (which is my favorite country, btw). Don’t waste another minute on him. Someone once told me that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. That advice would have saved me at least 10 years. (I was in a 35 year marriage with the stbx) Don’t have my regrets. Go no contact and don’t sponsor him.

  • Christopher’s description of his interactions with Cheaterpants brought back something I learned from my first therapist (the wise one who re-parented me), who explained why what my mother did as a parent was so damaging. He explained the concept of “intermittent reinforcement,” in which we are given what what need (love, food, attention) but only on an intermittent basis, at the whim of the caregiver. My therapist explained that intermittent reinforcement by people we love (parents, partners) can make us literally crazy. That’s what so many cheaters do: abuse us and then through us a crumb of affection or hope (e.g., lots of people separate and get back together) in order to control us and keep us dangling on their hook. Those of us who grew up scrambling to demonstrate our lovability and worth to others (instead of having that reflected by healthy parents) are primed to be victims for these cheater-predators.

    That’s one huge reason to go no contact immediately–to break that cycle and not allow the cheater to keep the cycle of intermittent reinforcement going. And, as Virago says, your brain and body wiring are all screwed up from this abuse and no contact allows you to start healing and thinking clearly. TiredChump says she felt like she “needed to be deprogrammed.” Exactly. Christopher (and other new chumps), nothing will help you heal in both the long and short run as much as no contact.

    • This is sooooo true. My therapist told me that when you are in a pathological relationship, many different regions of you brain are activated at the same time that are not supposed to be activated together. The reward center with the fear center for instance. Our neural pathways get deeply set in damaging ways. We literally DO have to deprogram and rewire our brains. This is why pathological breakups are so unlike breakups with a normal human being. I’m sorry to say you have a rough road ahead as it almost starts to sink in. I had no idea how badly I was being abused until I was way out of it, and modified no contact. Only then does it begin to sink in as you begin to understand about Cluster B personality disorders. There is a lot of help at the Institute of Relational Harm Reduction online, or google Sandra L. Brown. You will get through this.

  • Christopher, I am sorry for your pain. I understand completely how you feel you couldn’t possibly allow him to be deported as you would feel “guilty”. But that is because you have bought into the lie that his feelings, needs, wants are more important than yours. Therefore, if you actually did what YOU felt like, needed, and wanted you would feel guilty. For many of us, this backwards thinking started in childhood, with narcissistic parents who never acknowledged or supported us in our feelings. Christopher, your husband does NOT get to be more important than you. Letting him experience consequences for his actions is tough love for him, but more importantly, is freeing for you and will mark the day when YOU GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to acknowledge that YOUR FEELINGS, NEEDS, and WANTS are actually the most important thing to you, because you are you and that’s a good enough reason. Please stop enduring this abuse “in the name of love.” You have accepted this crap long enough. It’s time to start valuing and loving yourself. Best wishes for an awesome, cheater free life. I know it’s devastating now, but if you follow the advice here, you will slowly come out of the abuse fog and see that life is worth living when we love ourselves first and demand respect and reciprocity from ALL of our relationships, especially the intimate ones.

  • Well, no contact will be a hell of a lot easier with him out of the country 😀

    Not your circus, not your monkey (aymore)! Let go, let go, let go. It hurts but let go.

  • Christopher, I know it is hard, but please read all the excellent advice CL and Chump Nation is giving you here. It works. Ask me how i know.

    When I was going through the first few months of shock after X dumped me I had some unexpected support from a grad student in my department. He had married his husband, sponsored him for citizenship, loved him madly – and once the papers came the husband dumped him, horribly and cruelly and publicly. Then the truth came out, the cheating, the lying, the gaslighting, and that left my friend devastated and hurting. It was particularly heartbreaking because my friend came from a culture that believes that being gay is an abomination, and he had never told his family about his lover. No support on that end.

    By the time I got to know him, my friend was well on the way to Meh, had started a MFA, was performing regularly, and was looking forward to moving to a bigger city to develop his practice. He was (and still is) supported by his friends and fellow artists, and is a vibrant, engaging and lovely human being.

    The best advice I got from him during the first months of my particular nightmare was – every day, do one thing. Even if it is just getting out of bed and making a cup of coffee, or looking up a lawyer’s phone number, or noticing the sun coming out and basking in the warmth for a few minutes – just do one thing that moves you along, and congratulate yourself for it. That way if you wake up in the middle of the night, devastated, alone, you can think back to that thing and say, but I did that today. I am moving in the right direction. I called and made that appointment, I filled out that paperwork, I had ice cream and enjoyed sitting in the park for half an hour. I smiled.

    I know it seems so small, but it’s like drops of water into a bucket. You’ll start to fill yourself up with new things, with things that matter to you, with your competence, your strength (you are a chump, after all, and mighty!), your appreciation of life, your kindness. At first it won’t seem like much, but one day you will notice how much fuller you are with your own life, and it will start to get easier. I promise.

    And advice from me – do everything you can to get a new bed, if you haven’t all ready. It took me a year before my sister finally made me buy a new bed, and what a difference! Suddenly his imprint, his smell, was gone, and I started to sleep so much better. That made a huge difference in my life, let me tell you, the sleeping!

    Keep reading CL, Christopher. Chump Nation is here for you, and you will get through this and become you again. Promise.

      • Mmmmmmmmm……….enjoy that new bed, Virago. Sprawl over every inch of it. Spray it with lavender water! Linen sheets! Cosy wool blankets! Bedside lamps that let you read whenever you want, for however long you want!

        It being a holiday here today, you may just have inspired me to crawl back into my lovely bed for a nap……..

        • New Meme – that is Exactly what it is like – you explained it SO well. Absolutely beautiful!

      • I got a new bed too! And … I dismantled the old, tainted one – and … assembled the new four poster ‘statement’ piece ALL BY MYSELF. Little ole me, with no help from a man! Mightiness returns, it really does. It hurts to ditch that hopium, but when you do, you have cleared the way for REAL hope to return to your life.

        • I absolutely kept MY ‘marital bed’. It was a joke. Huge King four poster and I loved it….and slept alone it it for many years. We never consummated that bed (another story), so, it was always mine…..alone. It feels very comfy to me and fits all my dogs. I don’t remember the last time he ever joined me in that bed, if ever. So, I was grateful not to miss him when I became single. And, glad they fucked in the guest room instead.

  • The first thing that came to my mind when I read your story, Christopher, is a story from England, post-WWII of a young girl who escaped abuse to be homeless. A charming, well-off man saw that she was hungry and offered her a pastry.

    He then sold her into prostitution and raped her with charm. Then he yelled at her for whatnot.
    The crux of the story: even much later when she was free from this cruel man, she was interviewed by Jen Worth, and said, “But I know he really loves me!” about the abuser. The power of a mindfuck is flabbergasting.
    Let your abuser go, Christopher! You are so loveable. Abuse is not love. It is controlling and callous. Just think, this “rejection” is your turning point. It is a fork in your road. :). Choose freedom.

  • Christopher, please listen to CL and all the mighty chumps here and DO NOT sponsor your ex or do any other favors for him. He is clearly not sorry for what he has done to you and sadly, much as he SHOULD be, never will be. He expects you to do these things for him even while he continues to be abusive and while you should be allowed to focus on healing from him. The only advice I can add is to get yourself some IRL friends supports to help you with this. Just like he isn’t used to you saying no and setting healthy boundaries, you aren’t used to doing it. When I asked my ex to leave finally, he refused to show any remorse or have anything to do with his kids or I as we were “too draining being over emotional about this”. . .until he needed something. And I would have fell for it every time if I hadn’t had friends in my face saying “No, you are not going to let him crash on the sofa for a couple weeks. In fact we are going to the hardware store for new locks now.” “No you will not lend him all your power tools and $500 for materials to build a bunny hutch. Surely one of his f-buddies he is spending all his time with has a power saw.” It is hard because you as a decent person want to be kind and giving — but you really need to go no contact from this man who will take everything he can get from you, give nothing back, and delay your healing and moving on. Thinking good thoughts for your future.

  • Hi! This is Chris!
    Thank you CL for you’re advice. Thank you everyone whose commented and I will definitely read each response and take it to heart. I am so overwhelmed by all your support and I cannot thank you all enough! It’s really touching to hear your stories of heartbreak or just the advice you have for me. Some of these messages are so moving! It makes me feel a lot stronger.
    I am not gonna let him walk all over me. As a matter of fact It’s been really difficult but I have implemented the NC rule into my life. Even though it’s been weeks everything is so fresh. The one thing I cannot take anymore though is his constant emotional abuse. Right now I am still in the state of shock.
    I’ve been reading Leave a cheater gain a life and I can’t put it down. Isn’t so funny how all cheaters share so many of the same characteristics?
    I feel like it’s a different guy than the one I spent so much of my time with.
    I won’t stand in the way of karma. If that means he has to go back to the UK ,then so be it. I won’t feel guilty. CL and Chump Nation you’re words have give me so much clarity.
    Thank you all again so very much and like I said I will read every comment and take it to heart! I thank you for sharing with me and being so wonderful! I promise to always have the back of any Chump going through a rough time and to share all that I’ve learned.

    • Chris! So nice to hear from you on the site. So many posts to catch up on – lol. Well, it’s a good distraction.
      Glad you’re with us in these terrible times but I know you’ll be a great mentor on this site someday.

      {HUGS}

    • They.are.all.the.same. Chris, there is so much great advice here, not more I can add except to say that you are on the right path, keep going. And keep reading. Chump Nation saved my life after finding out my 25 year marriage was a lie, and once caught my ex “ghosted” on me and our 3 children. I have moved on and happily remarried. YOU CAN DO THIS. (((HUGS)))

  • Hi Christopher, I am so sorry for your intense pain. I don’t write to you as a chump (although I have qualified now for more that two years) but I’ve practiced immigration law for longer than I care to admit so I’m hoping I can help relieve some of your angst in that area.

    First, I’m not sure where you are in the process but it sounds like you’re waiting for the adjustment interview where he will get his green card. Mr. Cheater is not eligible to obtain a green card through you because you are not together. In fact, it is considered fraud to proceed with the application given the state of your marriage. Interestingly, a common USCIS interview question to a couple is “do you anticipate a separation anytime in the near future?” A yes will get your petition denied right then and there.

    So what to do?

    If you have received an I-797 (receipt for I-130) you can make an info pass online at USCIS.gov, go in person and the officer will ask you to sign off on a withdrawal of your petition. OR, you can mail a certified letter to the service center for your area with a copy of the I-797 (address is on the bottom of the I-797) and tell them you are withdrawing your petition. Or, wait for the notice, go to the interview and withdraw the petition there. If you want to be passive, you can do nothing…and I mean literally nothing…just don’t show up at the interview; the petition will be denied and so will the I-485 (permanent resident adjustment).

    Also, remember that you have to be married for two years for Mr. Cheater to have an unconditional residency; that means you had to be married for two years BEFORE you filed a petition OR you remain married for two years AFTER he gets the green card and file an application to remove his conditions. I see it happen a lot that a spouse gets a green card and then hits the road not fully understanding that you both have to attend another interview 18 months later to make sure you are still together. There are some exceptions that aren’t relevant to your issues though.

    As far as Mr. cheater being deported, it depends on where you live. In Houston my cases have been continued until November of 2019 and that’s just the first hearing. The trial may be years later. Also, Mr. Cheater, without a serious criminal conviction, is not an ICE priority (if we could only make cheating a state jail felony!) so he may well never go before an immigration judge and eventually he’ll just get another chump to fix his status.

    Listen to these wise people. Take care of yourself. You deserve so much more from life than to be saddled with this jackass for even a minute more. I agree with everyone who says don’t tip him off. I have a client who found out, after we filed, that her husband had a new baby with an ex-wife he had left two years before. We withdrew the petition but don’t you know he weaseled his way back in and they returned to my office wanting to start the process over. I asked her one question in front of him: how will you feel if he fixes his papers and then turns around and fixes the AP’s papers…in other words, my chump, you may end up sponsoring not only him but, by extension, his mistress. Thankfully she was appalled at that idea and refused to go through with it…for now.

    I understand that Tempest is a liaison of sorts for email exchanges and I will send her mine so you can contact me with any follow-up or any questions or concerns at all. I wish I could offer you more than immigration advice but this place is chock-full of people much wiser than I…listen to them; you may not like what they say but I promise they have your best interests in mind and hearts of gold. I pray you feel better soon.

    • tlt, so totally awesome of you to give Chris immigration advice. I’m constantly amazed at what a good hearted bunch of people CN are. Thank you for this.

      • I’m thrilled to have something to contribute after all y’all have done for me ….maybe one day I’ll have a mighty chump success story to encourage others but right now I’m just soaking up all the wisdom on this site. Thank you for all that you do and congrats on the fantastic book!

    • tlt: thanks for writing the proces down for Christopher. My attempt would have been futile. I, unfortunately did this whole song and dance for my exH and guess what, now as a U.S. citizen, he’s well on his way to petition for his twat to come live here with him. All on my doings!!! Im beyond words.

      Christopher: I can’t stress this advice enough. Good for you to stand up to what you deserve! One day at a time, my dear, and you’ll be on your way to healing.

      • I am soooo sorry to hear that but I’ll tell you something weird about this work…it’s made me a believer in karma. Time and time again I’ve seen it happen that people who are not deserving of a green card end up losing it for a zillion different reasons. Keep the faith…you are mighty!

        • Thank your for your kind reply, tlt. I also can’t do complete NC with the ex as we have kids so I still deal with same stuff, different day crap. This whole visa/citizenship thing though…just brings me to my knees again and I feel like I’m back at square one. I found out last weekend about it and I’ve been trying to hold my head up…but it’s kinda hard when you know that it’s all on my doings. Other circumstances! Including his cheating, I got angry and acted. This…can’t do much.

          I will take your kind message and wait for the karma bus to approach, strike and hopefully, it will make a u-turn and strike again while he’s down. I will keep the faith!!! Thank you!

  • My gosh – TLT – this is awesome information!! Thanks for posting.
    It should go into the library here somewhere.

    The knowledge here is amazing to me, so many talented and educated people to help out and save so many steps.

    I’m so glad to hear you, personally are not a chump – lucky you, but I’m sure you’ve seen your share.

    This is Wise-Knowledge and a great contribution, tlt.

    • Thanks Shechump but I AM a Huge chump …Dday 2 years ago last month and nc not possible with young children. Wish it wasn’t so but it is…one day at a time. Reading Chumplady is the first thing I do each morning while drinking my coffee. Y’all have saved me from myself so thanks for all that you post!

      • tlt – I think we all flip to the C/N channel first thing in the morning with our coffees :). Didn’t realize you were also a Huge Chump. I’m so sorry. Dday being only 2 yrs ago for you is still very painful. I’m sure we all remember where we were then. And then, the 3rd anniversary of dday…and so on. I feel for you having young children and having to be involved for the next 16 or 18 yrs with your X.
        It was bad enough for me to have a house that took 2 years to sell after the divorce, so we had to have contact, and it wasn’t pretty most often.
        It drug on so long..

        I’m sure you and she will figure out a good compromise with such young kids, as hard as it it.
        Hard enough if you’re married! Let alone juggling the awful emotions of divorce.

        Please post more – you have a lot to say, tlt.

  • Dear Christopher, you have the ultimate (MIC DROP) breakup condition that I believe we at Chump nation only dream of. Don’t sponsor him.
    Part of the on going pain is the cheater lives down the road, works in the same town and is living the life you committed to, without YOU. If you can’t quite muster up the courage to out him, for no longer having a sponser, I understand. BUT if you are supposed to report it, don’t wait another minute. The cheater does have the ability to make you pay for life either in liability or your health. As a nurse I encouraged all my friends(chumps) to get checked out and then I had to do the same thing. Being the nice person I am (chump,Chump,CHUMP)I thought my coward cheater would not set me up to be liable for their actions. Wrong !!! Whore is running a daycare in our home without insurance. Divorce isn’t final so I’m liable. My hometown issues them a business license because he is city manager.
    Christopher we don’t think like they do!!! They don’t care about anyone but themselves and all the love in the world won’t change that. If you are hearing that he’s in love or as happy as he has ever been, it’s true, but only for the moment. They don’t think like US. It won’t last. If it does it is only because they are the same.
    I’m so sorry for your pain. Pain is personal and no one can know how much you are feeling but you are at a good place to share and get back on your feet. Good luck and do nice things for you during your healing.

  • I too subscribe to “let consequences fall where they may.” You cheat on me and I don’t love you anymore. This is healthy. Nevertheless big big (((Hugs))). It hurts like hell. Now to those Baby steps. STD check. Lawyer check. Then YOU, focus now on a regimen of extreme self care. Allow your righteous anger to propel you forward. Work out. Go to the gym. Eat well. Buckle down at work. Go on vacation. Do things you have been held back from doing. Cheaters drown us. They are all consuming. Life is about balance, Christopher, and I will bet that this relationship has felt anything but…even in those early eight years of love-bombing. I always felt like something was…missing. Once we married every day true intimacy was moving further away even though sex was a given. The disordered are incapable of love. I know you feel that. Chumps are so incredibly competent but truth is we need love too. We can’t just give, and give, and give. My ex was clearly disengaged and yours shows so many signs of that. Hours missing from our life together and always doing for himself first. Not love at all. Best wishes on your journey forward.

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