First off I am gay and I’ve been married for over 2 years and been with this guy for 9 years. I am currently sponsoring him to live in the country (the U.S.). We always been madly in love. We’ve traveled around the world together. Everything was perfect until 3 weeks ago I found out he cheated on me with a guy he just met a month ago at work. I never saw it coming.
Over the last month, he started spending nights out with friends. One night I was sick at home and he came home with every medicine he could find at the drugstore. He told me he wanted to go get a drink with some friends and I thought he was so sweet, I said sure. Except he never came home that night.
One time I even tried asking if he was cheating and he made me feel like a fool! Yelling at me how dare you even think that. I felt so reassured.
One day I was mad at him cause he promised to come home and he ended up spending the night out. The next morning I gave him the silent treatment when he was at work. He came home angry at me. Telling me not to ever do that to him again. That’s when I saw all the messages from the other guy. We fought. He strung me along for what was some of the most painful days of my life. One morning I went to his work and the other guy was there and I tried to be mature and I said to him this is not about you I have no bad feelings towards you. I am just here to see my husband. To which he blew up in my face and was so nasty and aggressive. He told me I was a stranger and don’t ever speak to him. I said you’re the one who got involved in my life by sleeping with my husband. His lack of compassion was unbelievable. He’s ugly on the inside and outside. Another reason I couldn’t believe he cheated was cause this guy isn’t easy on the eyes.
On the night he broke it off, I met him and he told me to cross the street that the troll didn’t wanna see me. This is the night he’s planning on ending his almost decade-long relationship and marriage. Where’s the consideration for my feelings? Or respect? Instead he only cares about how the troll will feel?
No matter how I begged, my husband left me. I was in tears and he told me to tell him I still love him and couples separate all the time and get back together.
I can’t believe someone I gave all this love and faith to for so many years would destroy me like he did. I feel so betrayed and hurt. I am in a deep depression.
Now he wants me to continue to sponsor him to live in the country. He has barely tried to reach out to me. I found out he’s already cheating on this new guy. I was tempted to tell him, but let him be the idiot. I don’t know if I should help him with immigration? If I don’t sign those papers I would be racked with guilt for him leaving the country. But if I do I would be betraying myself. I still care about him immensely.
He wants to be friends, but doesn’t text me to ask how I am doing even though he knows I am a mess. He recently asked me to help him by being a reference on a lease application! I was shocked he couldn’t see anything wrong with asking me to help him and this troll he cheated on me with a place together. Of course I said no.
He claims he cares, but I feel like I am the one chasing after him. What should I do? I can’t just walk away. It hurts too much. I feel like deep down he does care. He must. We spent so many years together. It’s difficult for me to see my life without him and I don’t want to. I feel like that would kill me. But how can I take this constant lack of respect? How do I get him to treat me right? To show empathy? How do we become friends?
Hey, I know you’re only three weeks out from D-Day, but bitchslap yourself, please. This guy SUCKS. He cheats on you, insults you to your face, tells you to cross the street to spare some troll’s feelings, BUT he’d still like his citizenship sponsored? Fuck him.
He claims he cares, but I feel like I am the one chasing after him.
You are chasing after him. That’s the pick me dance. He delights in it. You’re giving him the green light to abuse you further. It’s kibbles to him. It means he gets all the benefits of a relationship with you (sponsorship, your undying love, whatever) and you get zippo.
Oh hang on, not zippo, you get HOPE. Hope that he’ll change. Hope that he doesn’t mean it. Hope that him letting you Do For Him means he really cares!
He doesn’t. Judge him by his actions. Nine years together and he can’t even share a sidewalk with you.
What should I do?
See a lawyer. Divorce his ass. And DO NOT SPONSOR HIM. Let that honor go to the next chump.
I can’t just walk away.
Yes you can. Put one foot in front of the other like we do here at Chump Nation. We walked (or were walked away from) and we survived. And you will too.
It hurts too much.
I know it hurts. (((Hugs))) It hurts like a motherfucker for quite awhile. That’s because you were deeply invested in your marriage and your love for this man.
I feel like deep down he does care. He must.
He doesn’t. Trust me. You want to believe that he cared, because then your last nine years weren’t a total waste and he’s not a total waste.
Even though he is a vapid user with bad taste in troll boyfriends, your time together wasn’t a waste. You were real, you brought your A game. You know how to love and commit. Just because he sucks, that’s no reflection on you or your worth. It’s a reflection on his idiocy.
And every relationship, even the toxic horrible ones we’d rather forget, are not a waste if we learn from them. Here’s your lesson: don’t be a chump.
We spent so many years together. It’s difficult for me to see my life without him and I don’t want to. I feel like that would kill me.
It won’t kill you. Living with his constant devaluing of you will kill you.
You’re just grieving your relationship, which is what people with souls do. Soulless people trade their loving partners in for trolls, cheat on the troll, and then ask for citizenship favors.
But how can I take this constant lack of respect?
You realize that you don’t have “take” anything.
You have agency and your feelings MATTER. So you do not take disrespect off anyone.
How do I get him to treat me right? To show empathy?
You can’t. You don’t control him. You only control YOU.
There is NOTHING you can do to MAKE him value you. How he treats you depends upon his character, not how handsome you are, how loving, or how nice you look in a pressed shirt. You can’t improve yourself into improving his character.
How do you get a narcissistic cheater to show empathy? I don’t know. How do you get turnips to learn differential equations?
How do we become friends?
ARGH. You don’t become friends. You become exes. Thinking you can become friends with your cheating ex is just the bargaining stage of grief. It’s some trippy, hopium hallucination. Sober up, Christopher. He’s NOT your friend.
I was in tears and he told me to tell him I still love him and couples separate all the time and get back together.
Hey, let’s all hold hands here together in a big circle at Chump Nation and scream at Christopher’s husband, “FUCK OFF!”
He guts you with betrayal, but demands you tell him that YOU love HIM?
He can’t discard you fast enough, but wants you to hold out hope that you can get back together (for CAKE)?
What a total fuckwit.
He needs citizenship? He already has citizenship on Planet Narcissist.
Build a wall, Christopher. We don’t need to import any more narcissists to the U.S., we’ve got a great big trade surplus already. Send him back. Buh-bye cheater! No contact problem solved.
Stay strong, Christopher. It’s early days, but you’re going to be much better off without this guy. Know your worth.