My ex-husband had a old flame from high school that he had a emotional relationship with. Having the old flame hovering in the background always made me uncomfortable.
My ex always told me I was being insecure. Fast foward ten years, my then husband starts a emotional affair with her, lies to me about needing to “find himself,” sleeps with her, we are now divorced and he is now living with her.
My ex’s story is now: “He would never have had feelings for the old flame if I had not been so insecure.”
So my fear that he still had feelings for her, made him want to fuck her and destroyed our marriage?
It’s my ex telling me that I made him want to bonk her, and before that they were “completely platonic.” (Even though he had been in love with her and slept with her before we met) — that really makes me crazy!
Can you please help me clear some of the mindfuckery and help me understand what the hell just happend to my life?
Well apparently you were insecure for good reason. She was a threat to your marriage and he’s a cheater.
You may be surprised to learn that this bit of mindfuckery (your insecurity drove me to it) is not original. This one comes up a lot. And it’s patently moronic, so no wonder it’s pissing you off.
Let’s substitute other kinds of misdeeds and see how ridiculous it sounds.
“I wasn’t even THINKING of shooting you, but your constant insecurity that I would shoot you is what made me shoot you.”
“Did I want to rob a bank? Well, of course I like money. But if you hadn’t been there constantly worried about me robbing a bank, wondering why I was wearing a ski mask in summer, and questioning my safe cracking hobby, I NEVER would have robbed that bank!”
“I never even considered eating cookies until you said ‘No cookies before dinner time!’ You planted that idea in my head! But once it was there, and you were being such a jerk about my feared cookie consumption, well then I had to go steal some cookies out of the cookie jar. I’d never known chocolate chips before! It’s all THANKS TO YOU! I see what I was missing now!”
Is the picture coming into clearer focus? He’s blameshifting his shittiness on to you, Nuts. That’s what they do. My guess is he’s been having an affair with this woman longer than the “emotional” affair he copped to. It’s upsetting because he’s saying you brought this injury upon yourself. (Note how the responsibility shifts from him to you.) It’s insult upon injury. He’s saying you deserve it, your bad behavior made him do the very thing you feared he would do.
Bullshit. He cheated because he wanted to cheat. He kept this flame alive for years, because he wanted to keep you off balance and not commit to his marriage. This is not a love for the ages, Nuts. My guess is that this guy needs a triangle to feel powerful. He enjoys the mindfuckery — so stay no contact with him. If you let him, he’ll use you as his hypotenuse with the OW. And as enjoyable as you think it would be to fuck with her, you’d just be playing his game.
It could be your suspicions made cake harder. She’s a better sucker, so he left for her. It’s sparkly, it’s a new someone to manipulate. But I promise, a sick guy like that needs to keep the upper hand. He’ll goad her into the pick me dance too, and never appear like he’s totally on board with her. Let HER go insane for the next 10 years. She just took a manipulative bastard off your hands. You’re free.
This wasn’t your fault. He’s a cheater and you’re best rid of him. Now you get to gain a new life with a better caliber of people. Let him have his old flame from high school. I have a feeling he just Facebook friended a middle school sweetheart.
This column ran previously. Feel free to comment!