This “Fun” Friday contest was suggested by an intrepid chump this week — no contact fails, the outtakes. If your chumpy existence was a Bloopers show — what mortifying episode would you highlight?
That time you pet sat for her when she was in the Bahamas with the Other Man?
Did you drunk text a booty call?
Spend a few months separated, only to cave, so you could apologize to him?
Yeah, Tracy, where’s the “fun” in recalling our most pathetic moments?
Catharsis? Tripping over our hearts, flailing wildly, and crashing to earth is what makes us chumps. You’re among your own here. Maybe if we’re mortified en masse we’ll vow never humiliate ourselves this way again?
Yo, cheater. They have these things called KENNELS. They take credit cards. Call one.
Or better yet — if it’s your cheater, don’t pick up the phone.
My ex persuaded me to spend an extra hour in the car dropping him off in my car after he had seen our daughter for dinner one night after we’d separated. Kids were tired, I was tired, but we took him in peak hour traffic where I thought his new apartment was. Turns out I was dropping him off for his date with OW which he would have missed if he’d had to take the bus. Oh man, I could’ve screamed at my own weakness in giving in!!!
That’s quite upsetting
OMG, I would have lost it.
Woooooow, that is some chutzpah.
It might have been worth the torture of another hour for the social justice of taking a wrong turn and driving in circles.
Ok, it wouldn’t, but I liked the idea of him being later than he would have been if he had left you out of it. What an opportunistic a-hole!
Justine, you poor thing – well, lesson learned I always say. My stupid moment was when my ex was flying to FL to see his very sick, dying father. Usually he flies into Ft. Myers or Sarasota to see them because it’s within close proximity – but he came home drunk as usual and talked me into booking him tickets through Orlando which is 2 1/2 hours away because it’s “cheaper”. I booked the flight because he was too drunk to do it. Little did I know he was such a dick that he went to see his sugar momma before heading to his very sick father. Cared more for his dick than he did for his dad. Shameful.
He saw his dad for a day and then left to spend a few days with the whore before heading home. You know what? He missed the last dinner with his father being somewhat coherent because of his pecker. Now, he has to live with that the rest of his life. But it probably doesn’t matter to him.
Wow Justine. That’s lower than low. Did he borrow money from you to pay for the date, too?
Kind of. He’d taken $50k out of our mortgage account and I had to pay interest on it for over a year till our house sold.
Do they forget their role and think we’re their mothers ?
I think he was just so used to manipulating me and I was so conditioned to do the “nice” thing that he tried to keep the status quo going. He always text me if it was something not important but always phoned if he really wanted something as he seemed to know I couldn’t say no right to him. Best advice I ever got was to play for time on the phone: tell him I couldn’t talk right then but I’d get back to him. Then I could later text or email a “no”. Took me ages to learn to stand up for myself like that. Oh well, I’m certainly not a pushover now!
You know what I love? How we are all able to talk so nonchalantly about all this stuff now. You just said all that so matter-of-factly.
I think I sometimes freak people out who haven’t heard about my divorce before when I casually throw out there the story of how he stole $125k of our money out of our bank accounts to put his 16 year old Thai girlfriend through English school and build her parents a house. People look at me with horror. I just smile and take another sip of my wine. What a difference a couple years and a good financial settlement makes!
Same here…..the last two years when I was with the cheater, I felt like his mother, too. Even a better one than his real mother, ugh!
Yes. And some women forget their role and think that their husbands are their fathers apparently. At least that’s the the impression I get from the way some of the male chumps around here were treated.
That cheater’s got some nerve.
Mine was just as delusional and I was just as stupid. Early on when he had just moved out, he told me he was going to visit his parents and needed a ride to the airport and back, I offered to take him and pick him up. He actually went to Vegas to met the cockroach then had her email me telling me when and what time I should pick him up.
How did I know it was her….well she spelled my name incorrectly along with a few other clues. Unfortunately, that wasn’t my first foray into chumpdom…it took a few more “experiences” at the hands of the narcissist for me to decide cutting ties completely was best.
You can’t make up this shit…
Im surprised that she emailed you the details. My narcissist has his new girl convinced that I am a crazy psycho stalker ex-wife… you know so that she won’t believe any of my warnings against him!!
My biggest NC fail came a few months after the divorce (yes, after I’d already found CN), where I found myself making out with and almost sleeping with my XH. Went around to his place to fool around one night, but again, didn’t sleep with him. As I started gathering my things to leave, he asked me casually whether I was dating anyone. I said “no,” and he went on to say that he had a date with another woman that Friday night. I was livid. He couldn’t understand why, and I was like, “You didn’t think I wanted to know you were dating someone else before I took my top off??”
I told him we were done, which he didn’t seem to like, but if he ever wanted another chance with me, it was 100% mandatory that we be exclusive and there be no other women in the relationship (and that he go NC with his ex-mistresses). He said he “wasn’t ready for anything serious.” You have two kids with me, asshole… it’s kind of serious!
It’s been around ~15 months since this happened and he has tried to seduce me several more times, only to be shot down. I’m seeing another man now; it’s been a while since XH’s last seduction attempt. We have reached a strange phase of our NC where it really is NC (we don’t message each other unless it’s about the kids and/or child support, he’s still blocked on all social media), but he has been very cooperative in co-parenting and we tend to be friendly when we hand off the kids. “Could you watch the kids this Saturday so that I can have a 3-hr root canal?” “Sure, I’d love to” / “I got [our son] to use the potty today, see if you can get him to do it again.” “Sure thing, hey, did you hear about Supergirl?” “Yeah, I’m glad the CW picked it up for a 2nd season.” It’s not pure textbook CL, but so long as he doesn’t start trying to text me for other reasons or try any of that seduction BS, I’m fine with it.
Wow seems like he wanted to hurt you. He had to know telling you he had a date after he just had his tongue in your mouth would be hurtful! Or maybe he was still in an “open relationship ” with you even though you didn’t technically sign up for it. He was interested in you doing a little pick me dance. “Maybe she’ll do something extra to convince me not to go on this date. ” I get the impression that intimacy means something different to him than it does to you. His dick and his heart are not connected and his brain has a connection that’s weak. Nope.. sleeping with you and having 2 kids with you is nothing serious to him cause he sucks! Trust that he sucks
I think he was hoping I would do the pick-me-dance. He reminded me of who he really is, so I reminded him of who I really am.
“I reminded him of who I really am”. Just love the power in that statement.!
Yes. To paraphrase the song: “You’re strong, you know how to get along. so if he comes back, tell him to walk out that door. Just turn around now cause he’s not welcome anymore.”
Oh, Rarity, been there too. Last fall, about four months after he ended our marriage to “live a life of spontaneity” and “see what else is out there,” I went to his apartment to ask him to reconcile. We weren’t No Contact and we were getting along so well, he’d been telling me how lonely he was and how he “hated” the few dates he went on. And he was saying he still loved me. I was still in denial and high on hopium — and I hadn’t found his newest sex ad yet — and I just couldn’t figure out why he would walk away from a twenty-two year relationship and two kids when we were still best friends, still loved each other, and were still attracted to each other.
“Don’t you think that’s RARE and SPECIAL?” I asked him. He told me maybe someday in the future we could get back together but he’d figured out he needed to work on his “shit” and I really needed to work on my shit … and we ended up making out like crazy. Right at the crucial moment, I said to him, “If you’ve slept with anyone else, you need to use a condom.” I fully expected him to say, “Of course I haven’t slept with anyone else!” After all, it had only been four months and he’d just been telling me how lonely he was and how he hated the “few” dates he went on. To my surprise, he shot up and scurried into the next room to get a condom.
Me: “YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY? HOW MANY WERE THERE?”
Him, shrugging: “Only two.”
And then he couldn’t understand why I was absolutely livid not only at the impression he’d given me of his dating life, but that he’d been about to have unprotected sex with me. “I used a condom with THEM. What’s the big deal?”
That’s when I went full No Contact. He countered by coming back for wreckonciliation over the holidays. And that was an even more epic fail. Although at least I didn’t sleep with him. Yay me, right?
With the kids, I’ve got about the same level of No Contact as you, Rarity. We text/email to have each other take them if necessary and about school events and stuff that needs to go from one house to the other. But nothing personal anymore and I won’t be his BFF while he fucks other women, as he was hoping I would.
Better Days- I totally understand. I can also recall a moment where I was trying to understand why my ex would walk away. We were also best friends, loved each other, and attracted to one another. After I tried telling him how much we had to lose and how much pain I was in, he just just sent me a text totally dismissing our 12 years together. It’s amazing how much you can invest into another person and yet it means nothing and has no effect on them.
“It’s amazing how much you can invest into another person and yet it means nothing and has no effect on them.”
This. I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s incredibly painful when they dismiss all your time together. (Seriously, there must be a handbook because they seem to all do this.) Mine told me, “We’ve had about one year’s worth of experiences in our twenty years together.” At the time, I was devastated and couldn’t understand how he could look at the life we built and feel that way. But that was before I realized everything that comes out of his mouth is self-serving bullshit. Instead of pointing out all the wonderful things we shared, what I should have said was, “Maybe you shouldn’t have wasted so much time playing video games, whacking off to porn, and wishing you’d never had kids.”
The twenty-something he’s porking now is welcome to him.
Rarity, early on I went through a similar variation of NC with my X, until I realized that it was just one more channel on the Mind Fuck Network for him.
Our son is too old for him to use in this way, so instead he would text me helpful information about the dog prior to exchanges (she goes with our son), telling me if she hadn’t peed or eaten in a while. Small bits of information that a normal couple having an amicable divorce might offer up. I would reply in kind.
Then randomly and for no apparent reason, one day he would simply drop the dog off without a word, leaving me once again to puzzle on what I had done to change his “amicable” behavior. Um, NOTHING. It was just one more way of offering me what few crumbs I would still accept and then getting kibble in return. AND getting the double pleasure of manipulating me, then annoying me, when he decided to withhold.
Once I figured out the pattern I went full gray-rock with him. I stopped replying to his texts unless they required an answer–and if an answer is required, I make it yes or no, no explanations, no “because of this” or “since that,” and no elaborations. So now when he inevitably goes from “amicable” to silent, it has no effect on my behavior or my mood.
The funny thing is that I also realized he only puts on his “amicable” face when there’s an audience–I can tell if he’s calling me from his office or if he’s home alone (we have had some post-divorce asset division issues that are too complicated to work out via text and that he unfortunately has the upper hand on due to a small wording oversight in our decree).
If he’s at his office and people are within earshot he’s Mr. Super Duper Amicable, tries to make himself sound as reasonable and cooperative as possible, and then tries to engage me in conversation. Instead of taking that bait, I say, “So tell me again, you will do what when?” wait for his answer, then say OK, hang up, and proceed accordingly. He gets kibbles on my terms, I get a smoother process in settling whatever remaining issues we have (thankfully we have very few left).
With disordered freaks, it’s all about kibbles and mind fuckery. I have no doubts that your X is simply biding his time and dispensing crumbs until he can wait for the right moment to try seducing you again. I hope I’m wrong and that the pleasantries you currently exchange are sustainable and do not come with a price. But if he’s truly on the spectrum (which it sounds like he is), I would prepare yourself for either a seduction attempt or a sudden withdrawal.
I have kept on expecting that the niceness is going to come with manipulation or a request for something, but it’s been going on for months and nothing. He doesn’t text me unless it’s about the kids, he seems to respect my boundaries and stays away, he’s just always chatty and friendly when he drops off the kids and picks them up. I left him alone in the apartment a few weeks ago because the kids weren’t ready and I had to rush to work, and I came back to find my dishes done. Stuff like that.
If he’s honestly trying to change, good for him. The Christian in me hopes he repents and becomes a better person, but I’ll still stay away.
If this is a long play to get me back or get me to ease up on child support or visitation, he’s in for some disappointment.
That’s good to hear, Rarity. I think half the battle is being aware of the Cluster B patterns and prepared for them. If he manages to sustain his amicability, great, if not, at least you won’t be blindsided.
Hey, if this is a play to get you back or let him get his way, at least you’re getting your dishes done. 🙂
You sure he didn’t have a quickie with some other chick in your apartment and maybe she did the dishes? It all sounds too easy…
Other Kat- my ex does the same. Some days he tries to be nice about divorce matters and then goes no response. It’s all about control and probably if the whore is around. I think it’s funny that during our marriage, he couldn’t keep from texting her at all hours of the day. But texting me around her, never happens. These cheaters are such pieces of shit!!
Not a cave, but a dumb ass request by Fucktard. Before dday he had been texting OW at least 300 times per day. Dday happened when he sent me a text meant for her. When I told him I was filing for divorce he said, “The boys told me you’re dropping your cell phone account and will just be using your work phone.” My phone broke and it doesn’t text well any more. Can I have your old phone?”
I didn’t say what I was thinking, but said I’d think about it. I’m still thinking.
We’re getting divorced but *of course* you’ll help me stay in touch with schmoopie…what a git!
It’s off topic, but I love it that Mr. Johnny Depp is seeing what you get when you marry the side piece. Maybe he can come out with some more true love quotes about this gold digger. Let me be clear, they are both disgusting. I have no use for him after what he did to his girlfriend and children.
Agree Anita!! What comes around goes around!!
Well, on his way out the door I handed him a box from what had been our bedroom. In the box I put his Viagra and wedding ring. It was my way of saying, “Fuck off!”
Mighty Annie! That’s an awesome message to him. Ingenious.
Just hope you removed the diamond off the ring!
You don’t wanna be a total chump. (yet, I still want to throw my diamond in the ocean, so I do understand)
His ring, not mine. I’m selling mine to the best bidder, or failing that, I will give it to the Salvation Army.
Hmm – I’m normally pretty good about this, but there have been a few times. I remember one guy in college who I hadn’t spoken to in months – a tornado had come through and I thought to email him and ask how his parents had managed (they live locally). He said they were fine, but afterwards I thought, “Well that was pointless.”
Also agreed to be my worst offender’s “girlfriend for a day”. Wow I’m an idiot.
Mine was a pocket dial. I was literally giving my name to the HIM at the local medical center for my STD tests. My phone just happened to dial her number in my pocket and SHE ANSWERED it. That was one time I would have preferred her not to have been available. To this day, I am convinced it was demonic.
I have used the excuse of butt dialing so I didn’t seem so pathetic wanting to know if he was ok and happy in his life. Of course really wanting to hear that he was miserable instead.
I know that feeling. Other people have also told me that they know that feeling. Sometimes, it is kind of a curse. They put on a happy facade for you anyway, but it doesn’t mean they are actually happy. Remember, they are used to putting up a facade. I thought my ex asked for an open marriage and then cheated on me and then remarried simply because I suck that bad. I thought maybe he was monogamous now that I wasn’t around. You know what? He’s not. He’s just doing polyamory and messing it up. I’m so fortunate to no longer be in that soap opera, and, I bet you’re fortunate to no longer be with your ex as well.
I have to sadly admit that I slept with him after one year of NC! The worst was that before he took off my clothes, he asked if this was ok with me and I said yes. This happened two months ago and I am still dealing with my messed up emotions. Again in NC since then. I hope to learn from this so I don’t make the same mistake again.
Been there.Done that.So humiliating.Afterwards I felt like shit.It was as if I was trying to find the guy from the early days of our relationship or trying to dissipate the grief and loss I felt in some crazy way.Awful.
And of course people like him are always ready to capitalise on any perceived weak moment.Opportunistic predators.
He drove me home afterwards in OWs fancy Mercedes.All time low.
Ouch. I just woke up from a dream that I was doing the same thing, and I felt horrible in my dream (well, emotionally at least). I should consider myself very lucky that it was only a dream, and make sure I LEARN from this, ’cause I see how it could happen very easily.
This^^^ I’ve been good, but my dreams have not. I’ve taken her back a number of times in my dreams. It felt so real and SO good. Then I wake up and realize how weak I really am and what a nightmare it would be. Thank god for CL and CN.
I also dream about taking him back. I dream that although my gut tells me not to take him back, I don’t listen and let him come back anyway. I feel so depressed and miserable when I wake up that I know it would be a horrific decision to allow this to happen.
Actually, I think technically it’s a nightmare, not a dream.
Marked711, because you loved your wife does not make you weak at all. There is an old Johnnie Ray song called Cry and a line in the song goes like this – “When waking from a bad dream don’t you sometimes think it’s real but it’s only false emotion that you feel”. It is a relief when you do wake up and know that it was just a dream and you are free.
I’ve had dreams where I’m about to sleep with my ex and I wake up because the thought disgusts me so much. Of course, by the time our marriage dissolved, actually sleeping with him had become difficult emotionally.
It is humiliating and makes it that much harder to try and move forward. I had a very difficult time after doing this. I slept with my ex after finding out about the MOW. At the time we were still living in the same home. He told me it was over between them-MOW wanted to make things work with her hubby. I later found out it was not over between them they were still texting and sneaking around together. I went and stayed NC after this.
he moved out Feb into his slits apt. last Saturday I went over to argue with him ended up blowing him. she watched. sick to my stomach
Dang Emma. I couldn’t NOT comment here. Take a breath, forgive yourself and know that NC is necessary for YOU. You are still in the early days and it hurts like nothing else. He (they) are not good for you and you deserve so much better…like being treated like a human being. Stay far, far away and keep reading here. ((HUGS))
Stay away, Emma. And get someone close you can call if you are tempted to see him anywhere. He’s a sick one.
Oh, God, Emma; I’m sorry! I have been in similar circumstances – it sucks. Everything, even breathing, hurts – please forgive yourself, make amends to yourself. **** hugs *****
I never had the chance to be tempted this way as Jackass broke off all contact so as to avoid explaining himself. But I had a lot of fantasies about being “friends with benefits” even though I knew that was crazy and self-destructive.
Let me tell you how bad I got working towards NC (even though I never got there). He was living in his bachelor apt 3000 miles away. He called every day to browbeat me and the kids to do whateverthehell it was that he wanted in order for him to maximize whatever flavor of cake he was after on any given day. I had shriveled down to 113 pounds, my hair was falling out, I had hives and the kids were falling apart. I FINALLY got to a place where I knew that we couldnt take any more.
The phone rang and I was ready to tell him “Dont call anymore and dont visit, were done” …..and wouldnt you fucking know it, he says “Im coming home”
and I just let him waltz back in, do conditions, no nothing
THEN
in a moment of idealistic lunacy, I decided I would make a kind overture and act like a real family so I paid off all the credit card run up to pay for his bachelor apt with my escape fund that I earned myself. This alone should buy my way into some hall of shame.
I will add that my idealistic lunacy above cost me about $20,000.
I have found NC easier since Major Cheaterpants died, although I have dreams where he calls me or shows up places.
My big NC success was a call from a friend who gets messages from the Great Beyond and she said he asked her to tell me how much he loves me and I said that I don’t care….blah blah blah too little too late
dump her too
yep
That’s a new one. A psychic Switzerland friend. Wow.
Holy shit. I second emma; dump that “friend” as well.
OMG death won’t even stop your cheater from going after his kibbles.
My first thought was “She can talk to people in hell?” Alas, I hope for his sake, he’s not really there.
I DID THE SAME THING. It took me 10 freeking months to get strong enough to leave, and halfway through that, TWICE, I spent my @*^^#%@Q^@^ emergency Get Out of Crazy fund on DEBT of HIS to “prove my commitment.” X had a fit over it, cursing and berating me over how unfair it was that I didn’t trust him… the addicted, abusive, pathological liar who had been lying since day one, by having a way out if he kept cheating/putting holes in the wall/you get the idea. Not sure we ever figured out what HIS commitment was, but mine definitely had to be having no way out and being totally financially helpless to him and his paycheck. If he could totally control me, hey, I was committed. I was even in a support group that said I needed an emergency fund to get out as a SAHM who had put off my degree for his… But no…I had to show my support and dedication. Not once, but twice, and there was nothing left to save or sell or earn at the final point, he’d already hidden everything else. Cost me a bankruptcy on massive credit card debt (the only smart thing I did, getting a ton of credit cards in my name with high limits before leaving) and now student loans to get that damn degree. Worth. EVERY. Penny.
Took care of both his parents during their terminal illness, making sure they were both comfortable and had everything they needed. He was at work screwing one of the secretaries in a cheap hotel room after a ” business meeting”. How can this type live with their concience?
It goes beyond adultery….these people don’t seem to have basic decency.
Words fail……
His parents were both extremely lucky to have you around.
Omnia
They appreciated all you did for them, I am sure.
I too was a caretaker for his grandmother who was by far one of the greats. She said I was like a daughter to her. Fortunately we have empathy and the ability to love.
We split up a few times over the course of the relationship. I remember being dumped and going over to his apartment to get something. I wanted him back so bad ( yep, I’m a dumbass). I saw his kitchen was a mess, he told me his grandmother had stopped by and he cooked her dinner. To be nice and impress him I cleaned the whole kitchen. I then went into the bedroom to get what I went there for and found a thong in the bed. I had just cleaned up from a date…..no grandma. I married him after that, had a child with him, endured 4 other D days, a 20 year long mindfuck and have failed at no contact about a dozen times by taking the bait when he calls about the divorce and then tries to extort kibble by telling me we could of been friends but “I’ve done too much damage to him”. Yep….that happened.
Well, he doesn’t need to worry about that now because I’m no contacting like a boss……took me a hot second but I’ve perfected it.
I’m confused about no contact -gray rock while getting divorced
My kids are grown, so my last e-mail response to her was “talk to me through my lawyer. I will never talk directly to you ever again”. I then blocked every thing of her. Luckily she has respected my request or at least not tried to get around my blocking her. My goal in life is to completely forget 30 years of my life with her. That’s tough.
I can relate. It’s not like you can just “forget” that part of your life because it was almost your entire life. So many memories with the cheater right in the middle of them! It has been over five years for me, and I am now firmly in the over it phase of my life. Because of life events, I have had to be in X’s presence during this last year and have handled it better than I thought possible. Polite but uninterested is my approach. When I first began this journey, though, I did every thing wrong you can imagine. I am embarrassed to even think about some of the things I did, but I know better now. I had spent so many years putting myself last that I truly did not know how to treat myself well. My light bulb moment was when I allowed X into my home (and my bed) while my kids were on a trip. When they returned home, he acted as if nothing had happened. In fact, he was down right mean to me in front of them. That is when I knew I was really and truly done. At the time, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want the kids to know we had been together. Now, I am thankful he acted like such an ass!
“I’m confused about no contact -gray rock while getting divorced”
I’m also confused by this. I have made such awful contact in the past 2 yrs while selling our house.
I certainly didn’t go grey-rock.
I was angry and told him everything in the book I felt, over those 2 yrs over email only.
(yeah, good one, he probably showed them all to his ‘lover’ and laughed and laughed)
Of course, he quit replying to my vitriol.
Which made me worse.
Thank God the house finally sold today! Money in bank. And NO reason to contact him ever again.
But, what a way to drag out the divorce over a simple house….not too simple as it turns out, since you still have a lot to talk about with marketing this house = business.
I’m free now, and I really don’t have the need to contact him but I want to know if I fucked up the whole gray rock idea with all my stupid angry emails at him. Last one, 2 days before we closed.
Actually, I don’t feel that bad.
He finally knew how *I* felt.
I doubt he listened, however.
So, whatever…..
Yippee! The house sold!! How sweet that moment is, now you can focus on yourself!
How well I remember that day, the day the F*%*ing house finally sold. I loved that damn house, but just like lots of things, he ruined it for me. It’s SO FINE to be done with that! Moving on, SheChump!
Thank you, FreeWoman! THANK YOU. You;ve been through this too. I love this site because there is aways somebody who can relate.
Glad I’ve got a little cash now and I have absolutely NO MORE REASON to contact him.
Chumps – you may not realize how liberating this is after trying to sell a difficult house over 2 yrs.
N/C is impossible.
FREEDOM – at Last, FreeWoman!
FreeWoman, also my congrats! The house sale is immensely satisfying. And you are SO right that NC is beyond tricky while that nonsense is ongoing. MoFaux finally just bought me out and I was thrilled. Was sick of having to clean it up for presentation because he lived with filthy bathrooms and kitchen (had what he called ‘a higher threshold of tolerance for dirty’. I’ll say!!)
Once done with that, NC was a piece of cake. (no kids with him) Now your name will be totally reflective of who you are!
Oh I am sooo happy for you SheChump!!!! Way to DO IT!
Ah, screw what that jackass thinks about your emails. I predict he’ll be gettin more of the same from many, many other women in the near and far future cause he will never, ever change. You, on the other hand, are gonna DANCE IN THE SUNSHINE of your awesome new, peaceful, HAPPY EVER AFTER life!!!! Rock on Sister!!!!
Awww…JeepTess….thank you thank you. Here I thought I was doing it all wrong by rage typing and sending immediately with a bang on the keyboard…I didn’t think twice about it. And after all I learned on C/N! I just didn’t learn.
I brought up our sexless marriage and how he just wanted b/j’s and h/js. (he said he didn’t see it that way – ha – asshole, never tried to even give me a back rub)
Which I also told him.
(I’m sure he used the excuse to HER that I wasn’t responsive sexually or some other such blather. She’ll find out soon enough he doesn’t care sexually for women. ha.
Every time I’d send a nasty, he’d tell me I should be over my anger and he hoped I found peace.
Ha – that made me write him even worse shit.
Trying to sell the house was a two yr affair AFTER the friggin divorce, so it just kept dragging on and on…
I was going crazy.
Of course, he could never email me anything that was wrong with me (decent fella that he is), and, btw – he was very calm, cool, and collected with every single rant I had.
Never countering. Never blocking me. I knew they were probably reading them together and laughing but I didn’t care.
And, I am SO FUCKING GLAD, that I got out absolutely everything in all those emails.
I wouldn’t have had the chance otherwise for those 2 yrs waiting for the house to sell.
So, I’m kind of glad I did it, even though he totally quit answering those emails and became all business.
(which disappointed me – was I really doing a pick-me-dance? Ya, I think so – wanting a reaction, any reaction from him)
Which, of course, I would have done the same if he’d done that to me.
I know he didn’t want to poke the hornets nest.
So, thanks for your positive opinion. Since it made ME feel good and not an angry bitter chump full of rage, I’m not going to regret it.
He needed to Handle the Fucking Truth!
You are welcome Shechump! 🙂
Way to rid yourself of his negativity!!!
And while they may have been laughin bout your emails I’m sure those very same emails planted a seed in ho’s mind! A choke chain won’t be enough for her to feel secure! Hehehehehehehe!!! Can you say JUNK YARD DOG? (No offense to DOGS ANYWHERE! There is NO comparison!) Hehehehehehe! BJ’s and hj’s are probably a thing of the past for him! As is satisfying sex for her!!! BONUS! 😀
Lovin it! Laughin my hiney off! They screw up their lives in ways we can’t EVEN imagine and BLAME US! Hehehehe!!! Go ahead idiots!!! BLAME AWAY! YOU CAN’T TOUCH THIS! We are dancin in the rain with smiles on our faces and joy in our hearts and will NEVER EVER have a reason to CONTACT YOU ever FOREVER!
Trust this Sister 🙂 they spend every breath cursing their fate! YET! …even though they would NEVER admit it…it was THEIR CHOICE! That has got to just SUCK!
Dance Sister!!!! And leave that LOSER in the dust of yesterday’s BAD news!!! 😀
Shechump, my comments to FreeWoman were intended for you. Apologies!! And there was no Reply button under my comment to correct it. Anyway, well done. And good on you for expressing FULLY how you felt. Unloading is important sometimes! Especially in the midst of all of the contact required for the house sale. Jeez. A nightmare. Congrats on completion.
FreeWoman, well done on the f*ing house sale, too. Sorry he ruined it. They do that to everything.
Thanks Virago. Of course, I knew that.
I’m familiar with where that reply button winds up sometimes.
I appreciate your kind thoughts.
Thanks Virago. It’s no surpise, really, that the Chump makes the home, and the zero-ethics cheater wrecks it. To me it became a symbol of the marriage he shat on. I have a goal to build a home someday, so I can put the new love and memories in it, but right now I live with my father so he won’t be alone. I can wait!
Emma, when someone has cheated on you they may not want to actually get rid of you. You may still be of USE to them. Don’t let them use you anymore. The only way to do that is to stop all communication with them so they can no longer manipulate and hurt you.
Are you very new here??? I suggest you read some of the older articles about what to do when you find out you’ve been cheated on. And buy Chump Lady’s book!! It’s on Amazon.
JeepTess ‘ BJ’s and hj’s are probably a thing of the past for him! As is satisfying sex for her!!!’
Well, I don’t mean to ‘appear’ cruel or anything, but I don’t think the horny little wench is still around.
The day the divorce papers came in, he got news he had Prostate Cancer and had to lose the entire thing.
She’s far too horny to stick around with this guy 12 yrs older who cannot take penis pills because of his heart.
Apparently, she’d have to use a pump on him… Sigh. Poor slut.
…wow Shechump…just wow…
…smh
Someone here will explain it better, but let me take a shot. If you don’t have kids, you just stop talking to the STBX. No FB, no Instagram, no text, no phone, no email unless it is divorce business. Let the lawyers deal with it. And no face-to-face contact. The point of divorce is to end the marriage. In the end, you’re going no contact for life. That’s the goal.
It’s tougher with kids (although I’ve never experienced that) because parents must exchange information. But essentially you set up a channel to provide essential information–dedicated email you don’t use for other things, Google calendar, snail mail. It should be something you don’t see every hour on the hour like texts. And no using kid events or information as a way to fish for reactions from STBX.
I’ve never had to do “gray rock,” but that is the manner of communicating. No emotion. No friendly banter. No fishing for kibbles or kibble dispensing. No openings for emotion: Yes, No, The Game is at 8 on Tuesday.
It is hard, because, you’re communicating with each other about the divorce proceedings and your emotions are still raw. NC went much better for me once the divorce was final. I knew one woman whose cheating husband used to call her up and rage at her during the divorce. She told him “You can call me back when you can talk civilly.” He finally got the message. I think the only options during divorce are 1) Do everything through your attorney or some other adult. 2) Set boundaries with your stbx. Tell him the contact will be limited only to matters regarding the divorce proceedings and children, if applicable. He gets no response or a hang up when he tries to contact you for other matters.
My cheater went to an event he thought I would be at during the NC time and texted me wanting to know if I was there because he was there and was looking in every woman’s face to see if it was me. Yes stalker behavior that somehow flattered me and I ended up letting him come over that night.
Another time my cheater claimed to be going to Europe for his job. He was gone for almost a week without calling or emailing me. He claimed he couldn’t because it was too expensive /unavailable. When i found out much later he was on vacation with the OW I felt as chumpy as could be because of course they have WiFi in Germany! Why did I even believe that?
Mine is sort of a fail and a victory all wrapped up in one. I agreed for him to come pick me up in his luxury car (we live one hour apart, hallelujah) and drive me back to his city so that he could pick up his brand new car (cue Price is Right music!!!). Then I drove his car back home and it is now my second car. It took 3 hours out of my day and helped him more than he deserved. BUT. He is now driving a brand new basic model stick shift car with rubber floor mats while I own and enjoy his luxury car which I bought from him with his own money!!! So I get a satisfaction-filled laugh often as I tool around town! 🙂 I hope I don’t sound smug … I haven’t been doing so well at the NC thing as I am “nicing” him until that settlement agreement is signed and filed with the court. Could the lawyers be any slower???? I’m sure there will be true NC fails in my future because I am indeed a chump through and through.
Dixie, if it’s working for you, that’s great. Sounds like you aren’t in danger of being hoovered back into his orbit. But be careful! It’s a better life when the cheater isn’t in it.
Oh believe me, after being conned for 30 years, there is not a chance of feeling any warmth for the asshole. I look forward to going from nice to ice. And i hope he belatedly realizes all that amicable shit was pure fraud just to take more of his assets from him, but he’s not very bright …
Amen sister. Same here. I deflect his questions, give him non-answers, never ask about how he is doing or anything than divorce business or assets. I know it’s driving him crazy. I go weeks without having to speak to him and, oh, the joy in that. I got the house, all its contents, my retirement, everything in savings, checking, all pets, etc. I’m just biding my time until the judge signs the paperwork. I figure he lied during our marriage, so I can lie during the divorce. Let him think I’m being amicable. He must figure he doesn’t need anything since he’s living with OW in her house. When they implode, he will be out in the dark.
Lucky for you he’s not very bright 😉
No specific incident comes to mind for me, just a general sense of disgust for every single word/action between me and him after he admitted dating some whore. My first reaction was to never speak one word or look at his loser ass again. But we have a child together and I fell into reconciliation with him to keep her from having to affiliate with the whore and her spawn. So I don’t feel as bad cause I know now it had nothing to do with HIM. And she was never around the whore/spawn duo so at least I was successful in my mission. Plus I think it was mostly on a subconscious level, to boot.
My only moment was after the final discard in which he refused to drop her go to counseling and take responsibility and then told me he had taken her back to meet his family I threw a full glass of red wine on the wall and told him to get th F out. He actually said if you kick me out now that’s it forever…. What mindfuckery!!!!! Like he drops a bomb and can’t even give me the space to process. No empathy. It’s all about him. This happened in front of the kids of course and again I came off crazy. So I kicked his ass out. Literally kicked him out the door. Proud of that one. However over the evening I started to regret my decision. I called him and I know he was with her and said come back and he said why and I said hollowly “I love you.” I knew full well I didn’t. I was just scared to go one by myself. Anyway he said no it’s over. I would have loved to have that moment back so the relationship ended with me kicking him out. In our ongoing emails regarding the kids which sometimes breaks down into name calling I do remind him that I kicked HIM out. I don’t think he remembers my call the next morning. I also wish I had been mightier during the divorce. I to a decent settlement due to a good lawyer but I would have been more together and so freaking cool…. Especially after finding this site.
The no contact has been hard because of the kids. I just recently have moved on psychologically and no longer engage and it’s been 10 months since the divorce. I have been working on “release”…. I refuse to use the work forgiveness. I am actually applying the 12 steps to this. When it comes to making amends the amends are to myself not the Fuckwad.
I went to the one MC session cheater ex and I ever had….after he engineered a particularly humiliating scenario when we went to an Alanon meeting we always went to together. It was our special time, once a week. I was chairing the meeting that day. I was about to begin the meeting and in saunters schmoopie and plunks her skanky ass down next to cheater ex. They proceed to cuddle, she had her hand on his knee. Everyone there knew we were married. They were looking at them, then me, then them….I gave the skanky couple a long level look and proceeded to chair the goddamn meeting, holding onto what shreds of dignity I could muster. Afterwards went into the bathroom and cried for a couple of minutes, splashed some cold water on my face and went out to the car passing shithead and schmoopie saying their goodbyes on the porch. When he got to the car, I told him …You want her, you got her. Let’s go home and pack your shit. He was all…wait a minute, wait a minute… I need time to make up my mind. I gave him 3 days, chumpy me. He chose me, unfortunately.
I still went to marriage counseling after that. It was only once…but still….face palm….?
Tessie – Oh good Lord. That is horrifying. I would have been crushed. I am so sorry you had to endure that. Unreal!
He would never get away with that today because you are so mighty. It just takes us a while to learn that we don’t need to give up our dignity for a relationship, even a marriage.
Amen, LAJ. Preach it sister!
Can I just say I’m amazed at how many of us fall back into bed with the cheater. I slept with mine too…..after the other woman ( women I should say) because in some sick way I wanted him to pick me but mostly because I needed to know he didn’t love her either. I’m sorry but not sorry because he claimed to be sooooo in love with her but he was very happy to cheat on her with me. Made me see it’s not me….its him. It has been a very important component of my healing, but I’m not proud that I did it ….yuk!
She knows we hooked up…quite a few times, in what should of been the most delicious part of her relationship. She forgave him and they live together but I know she’s sleeping with one eye open.
If he will do it with you, he will do it to you…..let the karma begin.
Yep, Same here had sex many times. I totally get you Paintwidow on the healing thing. I just want to know he would cheat on her too. And he did for months. I was hoping she would catch him cheating, but I don’t think she is smart enough for that. I also wanted her to know he was cheating with me.
Here is the no contact fail.
His texted me one night asking if my daughter and I wanted to meet for dinner. (daughter hasn’t had anything to do with him). So I told my daughter what he had asked and to my surprise she said yes. So we meet for dinner. At dinner the two of them start chatting a little bit and he asks her are you dating anyone? She says no and then asks are you dating anyone he says no. She says what happened to your girlfriend he just say I don’t have one and she says why he says because I don’t. They left if at that.
After my daughter is done eating she says mom I want to go meet my friends. So I asked him to give me a ride home. He says yes. We finish up eating and on the way home he asks if can come to my house and have a beer because he doesn’t want to go home. He said please don’t ask why. I just said ok. We stop at his place to pick up some beer(I don’t drink) I wait in the car. I waiting and thinking man he is taking a long to time to grab beer. Then I hear voices I turn around and look and there she is. She see me. I get out of the car and start walking over to them and she high tails it to her car. He gets in the car and I say hey I don’t want to get in between you and your girlfriend do you need to take care of something. He say no. She is all about drama and she did waited for him a few weeks ago too. And that wasn’t any big deal( meaning that she wasn’t a big deal). I just left it as that. He came over had a few beers chatted and left. I know he wanted to see if I would have sex but didn’t. He text me when he got home and said that he had to leave because he was getting way to horny.
Well, if it helps anyone to hear it, I slept with my then STBX one more time, even after learning that he’s gay and having just passed a whole battery of tests. My excuse? It was a major anniversary and he’d booked a fancy hotel room for the first time ever. Yes, I was a cheap and easy chump.
Hey, off topic. Just an announcement — there’s a new forum for Chump Meet ups! If you’d like to start one or join an existing one, check out the new group in the forums https://www.chumplady.com/forums/forum/chump-chat-forum/chump-meet-ups/
And remember — it’s private. So you have to register with the site to see it. Thanks!
Wonderful…Thank you Tracey!!
I get an Error/Not Found message when I click the link.
Need to register, or be logged in (if you’re already registered). To log in, see home page upper right corner.
After more than a year of NC after divorce, he contacted me and we agreed to exchange a couple of items. He was married to the second woman he had married in the 18-ish months since our divorce, and I had told him I would only meet him if she came, too. (Appropriateness, you know.)
It was a pleasant meeting. While we chatted after the exchange, he invited me to meet him in a bar she was too young to enter. Asked right in front of her.
I said no, if she can’t go I won’t go. She burst into tears, thanking me, and hugged me.
I am pretty vehement about avoiding name-calling, but I called him an asshole right out loud.
Two marriages since your divorce, 18 months ago? And he asks you out in front of his new (barely legal) kibble dispenser? You are so lucky to be away from that hyena. And well done, you, for being so kind to the new wife. Maybe she will get a clue.
Ha! Actually, that one was only actually legal because her mom legally signed off for her to marry him before she turned 18. He’s a bit of a train wreck, that one, it turns out. And she was too young for me to feel anything but sorry for her (chumpy, I know, but she was still a child, for God’s sake. It broke my heart, actually.)
As far as putting him far into my past, you’ve got that right.
As far as her clue, I don’t know, but I know she wasn’t the last person he left in his wake of destruction by any means. I hope she learned, grew, and closed her door to all future a-holes.
You mean he dumped her already?? Gah…
Not sure who dumped who, but that dude is a revolving door. 🙂 This all happened over ten years ago. I had to keep track of him for the first 1.5 years because of stuff in the divorce. After that I was able to go full NC, so I don’t know anything else about him since then. All I know is, in that brief timeframe, he was married more than 2x and each one was an AP.
That had to feel good Amiisfree!!! Love it! Asshole deserves it! Probably gave OW/Wifey pause too! What a prize she wrenched from your life! NOT! Assholes…
This is an important topic. Chumps of the universe. Do not waste your pain.
Put it out there loudly and proudly so you and other can learn that we all are human, we all make mistakes and we all are unified in walking this path – including falling off the track at points…
I’ve told this story before here but it’s worth a repeat. 10 months after I kicked him out and attempted wreckoncilation, I knew we were divorce bound but we’re in a state where you have to wait a full year to file. He asked me to take him for a very common outpatient procedure so I took the day off work. In the car outside the hospital, he started crying and chumpy me thought he was finally realizing what he had lost. Nope – he was scared something might go wrong during the procedure and he would die. Then he said he was sure I’d be fine with telling them to pull the plug. What an ass! I still sat at the hospital for hours, then took him to get his meds, then back to my house because they wanted someone with him. Two weeks later he came over and told me he would no longer be helping me with the joint bills. We didn’t have a legal arrangement at that point so I was scraping to cover everything myself while he headed off to some tropical destination to fuck random bar skanks. Then he got pissed when he came back and found out I had filed the divorce papers. Yes, I’m the bad guy.
Damn, that is cold.
My ex too. Would portray as my best friend when he wanted something from my house or help with something and then turn into a dick saying he will turn off all utilities in his name when I wouldn’t agree to a settlement he offered or cave in to a demand of his.
Assholes….
Well of course I have the ultimate fail of not immediately kicking his lying, cheating ass to the curb as soon as I found out. Even though that’s what my gut was screaming at me to do!! Instead I gave him an ultimatum, lobbed the ball in his court and the coward emerged. He “chose” me. Gotta love it. I was supposed to be flattered by the fact that he “chose” his wife of more than two decades over the lying, cheating DB he fucked on the side for a few months!.
Even though I probably should’ve been mad enough to leave after that revelation, I did the pick me dance for three years. Fortunately I found chump lady, got tired of dancing and asked for a divorce. After we had our day in court but before the divorce was officially final, I thought I had to play nice in order to get the money I had coming to me from the QDRO. So when he asked me to edit his emails three times a week and feed the dogs twice a week for his late nights, I did. That just made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Since I moved an hour away, the feeding the dog thing was not exactly convenient for me. I only did it because I got a chance to see them. All that contact was driving me bat shit crazy though. I snapped after he asked me out to celebrate our defunct anniversary. I contacted our mediator and asked him if the settlement could be changed if I cut off contact with the ex all together. He told me that the only thing that could change the settlement was fraud at that point.
I stopped the favors immediately. It took a little while longer to cut him completely off, however. During that time he butt dialed me a few times, “accidentally” face-timed me with his ipad, and sent me a happy birthday text when we hadn’t spoken in 6 months. That’s the day I blocked him from everything. He can only email me to one account and if it’s not about the kids I ignore it. My only other email account, he is filtered to junk mail, where he belongs. It’s been 2.5 years since our divorce and about 2 full years of no contact….for real this time!
cheattersuck, I laughed out loud reading your story! Especially the part where he kept butt dialing you.
I did the pick me dance for three years too! Maybe the number 3 is magical.
Even though I’ve been NC with narcissistic family members for whatever reason I couldn’t quite wrap my head about NC with my douchecanoe ex since we share a very young daughter. I was on a mission for us to have one of those post-divorce relationships where we chit chatted about our daughter weekly and all went to birthday parties together (even invited OW and her daughter) but they were the ones who wanted nothing to do with me. Two months after our divorce was final and exDouchecanoe and OW got engaged and moved in together and I was adamant that I meet her as she was more officially raising my 3 year old daughter half the time. After some emails and phone calls she agreed to meet me. Then cancelled on me. Then I tried to set up another time to meet with her and she agreed, I even rearranged my travel plans to meet with her as it was the ONLY time she claimed to be free. Then she cancelled on me. We set up a third time to meet and she cancelled on me again. So next time I went to pick up my daughter from the house where exDouchecanoe lived with OW (the marital home with my name still on the mortgage) I asked exDouchecanoe if OW would step outside of the house so we could meet and arrange a time to set down and talk and just build a relationship since she was in our daughter’s life.
He said “it’s not the right time, you are still too angry.” I said they were living together so it was the right time.
He turned around, went inside the house and slammed the door in my face. I got so angry at the point after having the door slammed in my face. I banged on the window three times and yelled “why don’t you come out and meet me you bitch!?” Then I walked back down the steps to my car.
I was on the sidewalk when she walked out sweet as pie and said “You wanted to meet me?”
I said “why are you so afraid of me?”
She said “You are embarrassing yourself in front of the whole neighborhood.”
I said “I don’t care. These are your neighbors, not mine. I hope they come outside so I can tell them all about what a homewrecking bitch whore you are and warn them to keep an eye on their husbands since you seem to get off on fucking married men.”
She called me crazy and said now she sees why he had to divorce me because I am a lunatic.
I said, “As for exDouchecanoe he’s hardly a prize. You can keep him because I want nothing to do with him.”
A week later I was served papers at work about getting a protection order against my ex. Not OW who I was yelling at, but ex Douchecanoe. We went to court and I didn’t even have to tell my side of the story and the judge rolled her eyes and threw it out due to there being no evidence of harassment or anything he was claiming.
I haven’t spoken to OW ever again. She has reached out a few times and I just ignore her. She comes to my daughter’s parent teacher conferences in my place with my exDouchecanoe (they change the dates of the conference and don’t tell me about the new one. She impersonates me for things with my daughter) I feel replaced, but still, I ignore as best I can. They are trying to get a rise out of me
Strawberry, why are you depending on them for information about your daughter’s school? Surely you can maintain a relationship with the administration and teachers directly. If my ex wanted to know anything about our son, he could find out on his own. Go around them!!!
He picked her up two days and I pick her up 3 days. So our conference was scheduled for Wednesday. He went in on Monday to pick her up and said “Strawberry can’t come on Wednesday so can I reschedule for tomorrow.” They agreed and rescheduled the conference. Ex showed up on Tuesday with OW, not telling me what he did. I show up on Wednesday and didn’t know he already had the conference. I don’t rely on him for jack squat. He sabotages shit.
I don’t know why this is so embarrassing to me, but I just felt so stupid after saying it. My ex was telling me we “never had anything in common but the kids” to explain why he wanted to end our 36 year relationship. Instead of coming back with “Oh, we don’t have anything in common except for children, extended family, growing up in the same state, attending the same church, shared history, and going to the same university,” I blurted out, “We both like Mexican food!”
Lyn, wow! That’s endearingly cute, and tragic!
Ah, the Cheater Classic of “We never had anything in common!” Another NC fail of mine last fall was when The Entitled One e-mailed me about that (which he feels was the major issue in our marriage — not his sex ads or hooker or other women or porn addiction or rage issues). I sent him a long e-mail listing all the things we had in common from books and music and movies/TV shows to philosophical principles and who knows what else. That was the beginning of my epic pick-me dance over the holidays.
Ding, Ding, Ding… my variation is we don’t have any ‘connection’ nor did she ever really feel ‘connected’ to me. Hmmmm, a small sample of ‘connecting’ life events includes, all of our parents are deceased and we took care of ALL OF THEM until the end. I was in the room when her mom passed and when her dad passed. I was present for not just the birth or our children but also for the entire labor and gave them first baths. 30 years together and now she tells me there’s not any ‘connection’. She didn’t appreciate when I told her that from my perspective it’s hard to connect with someone who is emotionally and physically connecting with multiple someone’s else throughout the last 15 years…
It’s true–there is no connection because they are incapable of it. You were always there, and connected to her, the family, the kids, because of you. Your capacity for love. Your effort. Your loyalty and commitment.
If the marriage was a porch swing, the chain on your side is clean and strong and can hold up your end. The chain on her side is broken, and unfixable.
I dunno, Lyn. I LOVE your reply. I has a sarcastic flair. The ‘Legendary Role of Mexican Food in our 36 Year Relationship’ has a cosmic irony to it. I think you were brilliant. He, possibly in a state of sublime dickishness, missed the subtlety of your comment!
Ha ha ha..that’s awesome Lyn! Just throws back their ridiculous assertions right at their face. I’m sure that was lost on him
Damn, is there nothing original about these disordered fuckwits?? In the parting text he sent to me on the day he deserted, it said, ‘we don’t have anything in common’.
I was at my son’s school performances that I didn’t think my ex was going to be at. She showed up with her parents and new schmoopie who I think she has been seeing for the past year. I was walking past tthe and got totally flustered. Her new chump, whose name I actually know, tried to shake my hand. Any rational thought that was in my head went down the toilet. Trying to be civil, I shook his hand and said “so you must be John?” He shook his head. I said “ahh, Donald?” He shook his head. I said “Sorry. Mike?” He said “Rick.” Still flustered, I said “Sorry. Dick. I mean Rick. Uh, I guess I hadn’t heard about you yet.” It occurred to me later that I only heard his name before (from my youngest son) as “Richard.” I was mortified. It occurred to me later how my tongue-tied respose would have sounded to my ex, her parents, and him. I realized that it came out exactly as it should have and laughed about it several times the rest of the day.
Yeah, that’s the kind of mistake we’d all love to make!
Hahaha. That’s brilliant (even if unintentional). Serves her right.
Sweet. The Mensa score of your subconscious is very high!
Very funny. And apropos.
For the win! Yes! If you had tried to plan it, it could not have been better. I completely love this.
I absolutely love this. You announced, Tom, Dick, or Harry? Who the hell knows or cares? You’re just one in the parade.”
Standing O cLifeupsidedown! Couldn’t have come out better if you had planned it!
I found an old email I sent after I had thrown Hannibal out of the house, filed for divorce, & paid a retainer for a lawyer because of his affair with grad-whore 8 years prior to D-day. He was still touting “forgiveness” and I said I had forgiven him for the affair, but didn’t want to be with someone who could do that to me.
Fast forward a few months, post-divorce–LOTS more information pours out about affairs, conference hookups, on-line dating accounts (caught in the Ashley Madison hack), and I find out he’s a serial cheater. Claiming I forgave him was a little hasty. I have zero intention of forgiving him now. Ever.
Tempest, I’m pretty sure my cheating professor also had multiple affairs, but never have been able to prove it. Not sure I really want to know, I guess I know enough. My IC asked me if I knew the particulars and I kept saying, “I don’t know, I’ll never know.” But looking back, I’m pretty sure what I thought were odd signs and blamed on my “insecurity” were probably other affairs. At least EAs. Anonymous people don’t usually call your house and suggest that your husband isn’t where he claims to be. I just wish the guy had given me enough info to really verify what he was saying. My ex explained it away by saying it was probably a disgruntled employee trying to make trouble.
Lyn–you’re right; once we have the schema of their cheating, small details from the past can be seen in a whole new light. Once I learned about the devalue during affairs, I was able to figure out when my X started his affair with grad-whore (MONTHS before he claimed), and then twigged that he had had an affair for at least 7 months before D-day.
,There are huge individual differences among chumps about whether more details of our exes’ affairs hurts or helps. For me, it helps. Once I realized he’d had a recent affair before D-day, I dug up information that X had taken that AP to China for a conference with him 3 days after D-day. The coldness that conveyed–that he still took his AP while claiming he wanted to do anything to save the marriage, initially caused a very dark rage in me. But after 10 days, I actually had an entire week of peace–my first in the 20 months since D-day.
Why? Because information is power. I had thought then-H and I were roughly equivalent in power during the marriage, but his deception meant the split was closer to 90/10 in his favor. Now *I* have the information, and power to bring his career crashing down around his ears in 5 minutes (though I won’t utilize that power). I no longer feel oppressed by his deception, because. I. know. I know. And he has no hold over me anymore.
Although hiding in the bathroom to read my ex’ journal while he was asleep was the worst moment of my life, it was also the best because I finally realized that I wasn’t crazy. The truth set me free. All those years he’d been denying there was anything between him and his married coworker, but once I saw it in black and white it became real. It was no longer some nebulous thing I couldn’t quite grasp. Once you know the truth, you can deal with it.
At least I’m living an authentic life now, and that feels very good.
My ex’s journal was a page-turner too. He stopped writing in it soon after we met, but it did show that he was pulling the same bs on his gf from high school and college, many years earlier. Funny thing was that he’d always told me that she cheated on him, when the reverse was the truth.
Very true. When you operate under the deception that the relationship is as important to them as it is to you, the balance of power is, by its very nature, skewed. I thought my x was working as hard as I was to save our marriage because he loved me. In fact, I was just an appliance for him (love that phrase!) He couldn’t have cared less about me, he just didn’t want the illusion of our “wonderful” marriage to come crashing down. Learning the truth was horrible, but I am so glad I did. No more lies.
My best friend, who was once his friend too, also said something to me similar… she said ” people are like furniture in the rooms of his mind”. Took me a while to understand but you know like how people rearrange furniture often for new look, or easily replace furniture that’s a little worn.
Or another example, I perfectly like my well worn jeans, they’re comfortable, soft, fit just right. New jeans are stiff and tight. I thought as we got older we become like the old jeans, content with our partner and life. Well, apparently now xh wanted something new to break in?
Tempest, I think you’re right with the power issue. In the last conversation I had with douchebag, he said, ‘I could destroy you if I wanted to’. It took me a long time to figure out what he was talking about. He meant that he believed he’d been such a master at deception that he’d ‘protected’ me from knowing the truth about the women he’d been banging over the years, and from actually ‘knowing’ about his affair with sluterous (the ex daughter-in-law).
Uh oh, his bad. He’d already been served when we had that conversation and I’d filed because of desertion and adultry. By the time we got to mediation I had so much proof that the judge was disgusted and set the terms of what I would get and the amount of maintenance. He told douche that if he didn’t accept the terms right then and there and forced it to trial, he (the judge) would recommend to the presiding trial judge that mr. douchery would have to pay not only for HIS attorney fees, but MY attorney fees and ALL of the court costs.
In my case, everything that I knew tipped the scales in my favor. And since he’s been gone I’m STILL uncovering the deception and liaisons. And no, he can’t destroy me, only himself.
I’d just like to chime in….some things I’ve learned reading about forgiveness vs. reconciliation that I’ve found helpful. I didn’t know that forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things…that it’s possible to forgive someone (even if only for your own sake!) and still not reconcile (e.g. be NC)… and that forgiveness is not forgetting.
Absolutely ridiculous (literally “worthy of ridicule”) when one person betrays another, wounds them deeply, and causes all kinds of real damage (e.g. emotional trauma, STDs, financial ruin, family trauma) and expects “forgiveness” in the sense that forgiveness is defined as some kind of magic fairy dust that makes it like nothing never happened (and that anyone who even mentions it commits a worse offense). Uh, no-that is more like denial.
A lot of these people just don’t seem to want to own their shit and the fallout from it and instead like to cry a fucking river about how hard-hearted and unforgiving the Chump is for not reconciling and forgetting. I don’t buy it (at least, not anymore 😉
I’ve been reading alot about forgiveness-both philosophical and psychological papers, and am adamantly opposed to forgiveness for myself (it’s a personal decision that each person should be able to decide for themselves and not be pressured to forgive or not to forgive).
In a nutshell, here’s why:
1-My X is unrepentant, continues to lie and then to tell our friends that I have lied when I’ve told them the truth about his serial cheating;
2-As Aristotle points out, anger serves a useful function in society to uphold moral and societal standards. The alternative is a scary form of cultural relativism where no one is held accountable, even with as basic a thing as disapproval;
3-It’s typically the people who have been oppressed who are then pressured to forgive; in such cases, it is simply further oppression. A number of civil rights and feminist scholars have argued this point quite compelling. Certainly, to me, forgiveness would feel like being a doormat all over again. As Perelman quipped, “To err is human, to forgive supine.”
Temptest, I also don’t believe in forgiveness. When people have asked me if I’m ever going to forgive him so I can move on with my life, my response it that it’s not my job to forgive him and I’m moving along quite nicely without doing that.
I’m non-religious, but the term righteous indignation comes to mind. In light of what he’s done to me and as my attorney said, ‘what he’s done to is borderline criminal behavior. He’s a sociopath.”, my forgiving him would be weakness on my part and would serve no purpose for me. For once in my life, its about me, not him.
Someone helped me with this one time and I have always been grateful for her idea. If you forgive a debt, the person doesn’t stop owing it, or lacking integrity for defaulting, or have the clout to get more loans, or deserve to be absolved. You simply stop trying to obtain what the person isn’t going to pay and blacklist them from future loans.
I forgive my ex in the sense that I don’t want to have to maintain a relationship to get anything from him. I don’t even want what he owed me. He still lacks integrity. He doesn’t get to have any more of me, ever. He doesn’t deserve, or get, absolution. He’s cut loose, plain and simple, and the locks are changed, forever.
This is my favorite definition of the word “forgiveness”. It doesn’t mean I feel good about it. It just means I get to flush that toilet and send that crap to the sewage treatment plant where it belongs.
I love this. I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness too. I guess I see it as a form of “meh” and basically what you said above, Amiisfree.
I don’t want to feel this burning anger for the rest of my life. And I definitely don’t want to feel the lingering attachment and “if-only” that rears up too often. I want to get to the point where I’m emotionally detached from everything he did. Where I know deep down to my bones that his actions weren’t about me, but about him. And where I no longer care what … or whom … he’s doing because his life no longer has anything to do with mine. I guess I want to accept that everything that happened, happened but I no longer feel much about it anymore because it’s in the past.
Noelle–I love both the term “righteous indignation” and this: “For once in my life, its about me, not him.”
Another phrase I like is “reconciling the harm”. The attached essay has really helped me.
http://philosophy.cah.ucf.edu/fpr/files/10_1/stanlick.pdf
Ali Rose–that is amazing; love the article. I had been reading a lot of Jeffrie Murphy, and loved the comparison of his view with other philosophers.
I’m going to give that to my therapist (he and I have had go-rounds about whether “forgiveness” means merely letting go of the anger, and is done for one’s own benefit, vs. the more traditional meaning of “forgiveness” as absolution.)
Wow. This was amazing, and helpful. I think I have arrived at some of these ideas myself, after a lifetime of dealing with a malignant Narc father (who abuses and also loves me). Very, very interesting. I am printing this out so I can underline it! Thanks for posting it!
Thank you Ali Rose for posting this amazing article, very helpful!!
Ali Rose, I apologize for being late in expressing my gratitude, but I did not have time to look at this until now. Many thanks. Such a comprehensive and thought-filled treatise. This is what good therapy can achieve.
It is like our appreciation of a very old tree: how tenderly our hands reach out to touch the wounds. How those scars enhance its’ inherent beauty.
No forgiveness for this chump; just acceptance which will eventually become Meh! True forgiveness, as it is advertised in Christianity, can only come about when the person who would be forgiven actually repents and asks for forgiveness.
Who among us had one of those truly repentant cheaters? Anyone? Bueller?
Yeah, not so much. Plus which for them to ask for forgiveness means they actually have to admit they did something wrong. Not. Gonna. Happen; except in those rare unicorn cases.
Also, when I say acceptance, I mean I accept that what he did is in the past-for me anyway. I am not dwelling on it because it no longer has importance in my life. I don’t really care if he lives or dies at this point but more importantly I don’t sit around wishing for his death or all of the protruding parts of his body to fall off. (much)
And I guess on some level I would care if he died because my children would have lost a father but my caring would be for them having to suffer a loss and that would be the extent of that.
That acceptance will eventually lead me to “Meh” which I feel pretty close to these days.
No forgiveness here either. 16 years of my life were conducted under false pretenses. Looking back, I did all the heavy lifting, made all the sacrifices, gave until it hurt. The bad news is that I was being hosed by the person I loved and trusted. The good news is that I knew if I could carry two people, I could damn well carry myself. So I did. I voted with my feet, burned that bridge behind me, got what was most important by way of settlement,l and never looked back except to laugh at the pathetic love letter that showed up a few years later.
I learned of the asshat’s death years later and months after it happened, when his obit appeared in The American Psychologist. By then the former superstar had been sued, stripped of tenure and fired, denied any more federal research grants, divorced again, and succumbed to a slow and painful disease. Samuel L. Jackson would be proud. Karma went all medieval on his ass. I’ll accept that closure.
I have been reading this thread, but this one stuck out for me the most. My biggest fear is the great professor will win the f*cking nobel peace prize, while I shrivel away in loneliness. But that’s not going to happen. He is going to be him wherever he goes, and that person is too awful to win.
No forgiveness here either. The best I can do is to have compassion for the little boy cheater ex once was. That child was abused and then drugged to shut him up.
The adult cheater ex? Nope. His actions are unforgivable. He had a choice. As far as I am concerned he remains accountable. I, however, think of the whole mess in this way. His actions are too overwhelming for me to carry and still maintain mental health. When I get too deeply into all the philosophical arguments for and against forgiveness, it makes me feel like I’m spinning in space with no solid foundation. I know my son didn’t deserve to be killed. I know I didn’t deserve to lose him, or have my house burned down, or be vilified by the local police because of his family’s need for their revenge against me. But that doesn’t change any of those things. They still happened. I can’t change that. Cheater ex killed himself. I can’t change that either. He took himself beyond earthly justice. The impotent rage, the monumental sense of the injustice of it all, the sense of futility, the self blame for not being able to protect my child, the overwhelming sense of failure, these, I am not strong enough to carry on a day to day basis. That was pure torture.
I believe in Spirit. That is my name for God/Goddess. I believe Spirit will carry this for me since I cannot. So I have turned it all over to Spirit. I have been told that it was a cowards decision, that I was weak and running away. I told that person that I didn’t care what they thought. They weren’t in my shoes and had no idea what it was like. We do what we have to. The fact that I survived this, that it did not break me, is enough. I will not torture myself, taking over where cheater ex left off.
When I gave this mess to Spirit, the idea of forgiveness was included. It’s no longer my concern. It’s all between cheater ex and spirit. Not my monkeys, not my circus. That has given me the peace to go on with the rest of my life. I believe cheater ex and his family wanted me to live in agony for my remaining years. He and they failed again, and that is my triumph, my revenge, and my “forgiveness”.
I am so sad for the pain you have endured. We each have our burdens, but yours seems more than any one person should have to carry. You are not only eloquent in your words but are an inspiration to all of us to stay mighty because no matter what, we too can survive. Thank you for sharing your story and your courage.
Tessie you are one of the rocks in the foundation of Chump Nation. Your story should be required reading period. These disordered types are very dangerous and most of us think we can love them out of it… We all need to be more aware of the danger.
Spirit Bless you and yours Tessie.
Jeep and Beau
JeepTess, right back atcha, Girlfriend. Give Beau a hug for me. And Annie, thank you for your kind words.
🙂 I am in awe of you Tessie.
My mom passed twelve years ago now in November this year. Trust that all the love in the universe is holding them, your son and my mom. And that they are with us every breath.
Hugs Tessie 🙂 Massive, giant hugs with wide, wide grins attached!
Tempest, I agree. I was so eager to “be understanding” that I wrote STBX an email a few months after D-day thanking him for our time together and indicating that I learned a lot.
He wrote back and said the exact same things to me.
So clear to me now that he is only capable of ‘mirroring’ other people. It’s also clear that he has skated through his entire life aping back what others do and say to successfully “pass” as normal. He’s an empty cipher.
No Contact has been a godsend. I just can’t believe I fell for him.
I know; 90% of us would utilize a time machine to retroactively slap our younger selves before we married these cretins.
Yes.
I want to say yes, but I’m not sure I would have believed myself.
If I had a time machine I don’t think I’d slap myself. I think I would stand beside him during our wedding and after he said his vows I’d call him a lying whore, punch him in the face, and walk away.
Same thing here. I thanked her for spending part of her life with me. She then said it to me, using the same exact words. Only later did I realize that a lot of the emotional stuff I thought we had in common was communicated similarly. At the time I found it amazing I had finally met someone I fit with. Realizing that I had been mirrored was a mindfuck all of its own.
Do you know that evil Prince Hans from Frozen was actually based on the mirror from the Snow Queen? The one that works its shards into your eyes and heart and leaves you numb, isolating you from those who care about you and slowly killing you with a terrible, mocking facsimile of love?
Just saying.
The day I learned about OW and ex’s POS double life was the day cheater told me he wanted a divorce. This was two weeks after a big expensive family vacation to explore colleges for our middle child. (When asked if he were contributing to college expenses a month later he stated, “He’s your son, you figure it out.” And yeah he walked on the mortgage too.) On this vacation he was truly acting out, an asshole the entire time. But still pretending to be a “great guy.” He had us switch hotels because, “You and the kids love the pool,” but he was sneaking off to contact his skank. I was fucking clueless, kept making overtures, cause hey he was my husband of twenty years. Truth is, sex with him those last few years was crap, all about his needs, and he had stopped kissing me. Like who the fuck does that!?!?! Every time I slept with him I felt like shit and jumped into the shower to wash off. Pay attention to those red flags, right??
near miss, here…..OW was our ex sister in law. Shortly post d-day, kiddo had a panic attack. I was at the lawyers, Mr Fab was at work, so her arranged for-and the school allowed the Downgrade to pick her up, as her name was on the emergency contact list.
Fortunately, Kiddo sent a text and I was able to swoop in just as she was arriving…….
Just as well, or Kiddo would have had a bonus biology lesson-in dissection.
At least no animals would have been harmed in that dissection. Better a cheater than an innocent little frog.
Mine refused to leave, even when the court ordered him out the house by December 1 because the love shack wasn’t ready. Come to find out, the “plumbing” problem they were having had to do with the tap they were installing in the living room for his new bar.
It’s been three years, and I still hope he chokes.
To those who haven’t heard too much of my story already… We drove all the way to Nice Côte d’Azur airport and I helped him park his car and find the gate, to pick up a single Russian lady in high heels. He then proceeded to drive her to her hotel and had dinner with her while I had the strangest meal with my sister’s family who had just bought a beautiful house and had expected to celebrate with us.
Me and the X had sex once after D-day, and I can only explain it away by saying I was really, really drunk and in shock.
About 3 days after I had ejected him and his loser father from my home, he called saying he just wanted to “come home”. “Just for a night so I can get some sleep.” Poor baby was all stressed out after I popped him at a hotel room with his crunchy-haired, pudgie-faced whore. I digress . . .
So he comes home, we get hammered and talked about all kinds of stuff. There was no yelling or anything, we just talked and laughed. At one point he said, “You didn’t deserve what I did to you.” Blah blah blah. Finally I just pulled him in our bedroom.
I wake up the next day and get a look at him laying in our bed and I’m like, “Nope.” There was no fucking way I would be able to stay with him. Nope. Nope. Nope. He knew I was done. So he sheepishly grabs his stuff saying he had to do something with Dad and that he’d call later so we could talk some more and I told him nothing had changed and we were still toast. He did not like that. Oh the face! Oh the slamming door!
That was that. I think I physically saw him two more times after that. Both times while I looked out the window and he was grabbing something out of the garage, and once when he had to pick up his boat. Both times, he looked completely foreign to me. 11 years with someone and just the sight of him was like, gross.
I don’t know how people manage reconciliation. Once he cheated on me, I just didn’t have passion for him. He just killed it.
“He looked completely foreign to me…” THIS… so many times throughout the multiple D-days I would find myself REALLY LOOKING at him and trying to understand… how could he be over there mingling with our friends knowing that he is cheating on his wife and destroying his family.
What kind of monster did I marry? And, how do I get out without damage to my son.
No one goes unscathed with dealing with Cluster Bs… especially the kids.
I haven’t seen the douche physically since he left. But several months ago I looked at his FB page. There were two photos, one of him and one of her. It was Thanksgiving and they went to Swine in the Pines to hunt feral hogs. (the irony, it burns)
They were both drunk as cooter brown. I was absolutely sick, thinking christ, I was married to THAT. I barely recognized him. He looked like hell.He’s bloated from all the alcohol, hadn’t shaved, his eyes sunken into his face and complexion was blotchy. At that point it was like I was looking at a stranger whom I’ve never met.
Yes! You look at them and don’t recognize them at all. I always felt like he had been body-snatched by an alien. He was wearing an Edgar suit.
Yes!! This. My husband walked out on us with zero warning and a hot cup of coffee on the counter, never to come back. After I had to ‘adult’ for him on every logistic that he dumped in my lap (while being abandoned to single motherhood with our 1 and 2 year old babies), he came for his first visit with his kids a year later. He brought HomeWrecker on that trip, but I told him to leave her at the hotel because it would be…unwise…to bring her on my parent’s property for the exchange with the children. When the doorbell rang and I opened it, I saw the mid-life crisis version of my ex standing there with tattoos of every size and kind, an outfit befitting of an angsty heavy metal teenager complete with extra long wallet chain, and a quart of cheap cologne to cover up the smell of nicotene. It was cringe-worthy. He’d been body-snatched by an idiot.
Body-snatched by an idiot – HAHAHAHAHA exactly!
I also felt like a person I didn’t know was walking around in my husband’s skin. My sister and I started calling him the Zombie.
honey, “It was cringe-worthy. He’d been body-snatched by an idiot.” I love it!!!!!!
Edgar suit! Lol!
I know; I told my X that I now found him physically repulsive.
Yup, me too. I told him I found him repulsive. Narc that he is, he probably got a hard on.
Yep, I am right there with you, my brain switched to encode my X as physically and psychologically repulsive the day I found out about his affair with gradwhore.
OMG. yes, “he looked foreign” and he totally grossed me out after I discovered the truth. He has not gotten better looking being with the OW either. He’s 5 years my junior and looks so much older I swear. He’s lost a lot of hair since D-Day.
True. After I decided we would try MC after the first day I finally got to the point where I agreed to sleep with him again. Not long after that was the 2nd and final Dday. I wanted to throw up for letting him touch me again. I feel no physical attraction toward him and only feel repulsion.
After 10 years 11 months – I look at him now – he’s been gone almost 5 months… and he looks repulsive. Like a stranger. I cannot bear to look at him when he picks up and drops off our daughter . I don’t want to speak to him. He makes me sick. He looks like a total perv and creeps me out.
Ironically, Mr. Sparkles turned my “silent treatments” and No Contact (and no sex) into more mindfuckery… he cheated because we weren’t having sex.
UM… we (I) stopped having sex because I didn’t want to die from an STD because of you and you wouldn’t get a blood test and wear a condom because I was to accept your word as TRUTH and not pay any attention to your actions.
And, the part where the abuse continues is that Victim #4 believes “his version”… our sexless marriage was my fault and he had every right to want something BETTER for himself.
When does the abuse end?
ICanSee, I don’t even know why I let the “we weren’t having sex” excuse to bother me lately, but it does. If I had known that x would use that as the “main” excuse for him “having” to cheat on me, I would have stopped having sex with the idiot after the 1st d-day. At least then, that damn lame and untrue excuse would have some teeth.
My biggest NC fail by far was running to take him back six months after we separated. All it took was two text messages from him: one saying he was listening to a mix tape I’d made for him, one saying he was thinking about me while he worked in the garden. Thus began eight months of increasingly bizarre emotional abuse and mind fuckery of the worst kind. Thank God I finally got strong enough to go ahead with the divorce. After reading yesterday’s UBT, I actually dug out a big stack of emails (I had printed them out) that cheater sent me during that time and afterwards. I hadn’t read them in years, but sat for an hour yesterday just staggered at the level of contempt, blame, mind fuckery, outright lies, hatred, narcissism and twisted reality. It was a good reminder of why I am so Glad It’s Over. That’s why I still hang onto those letters, in case I ever forget.
Aren’t confessions wonderful? Makes me feel Catholic ~~ in a good way! (I always wanted to be Catholic as a kid because I wanted to go to confession and rid myself of guilt!) In my youth, I probably confused guilt and responsibility.
Anyhoooo. I called MoFaux about 3 weeks post DDay (and my intended start of NC) and asked for a video call so I could apologize ‘face to face’. Yep. well, admittedly, I was out of my mind a lot of the time with him. So, I apologized for my cPTSD! Elaborately. Shit, eh?
CHUMP International sent me an email informing me a crown is the the mail but will be late on delivery as they are unexpectedly busy due to some web site celebrating No Contact Fails this weekend.
And it’s Virago for the win!!
Heh heh! A vote means a lot. Especially the ONLY vote! Thanks honeyandthehomewrecker!
I woke one morning, bleary eyed. I started sending my friend (who used to stick up for his behaviour) a few articles about sociopaths. You know, the really ranty articles, not necessarily the most credible ones.
I didn’t check the number too carefully, I accidentally sent them all to him, pages of copy and paste ranting nonsense. I got a reply from him accusing me of character defamation.
It was a real 2 steps back for NC
I’d say my biggest no contact fail came when I kicked Jackass out almost 3 months before I knew about MOW. I didn’t know it at the time but he had just made contact with her, and thus started on the excuse-making, foot-dragging, gaslighting mindfuckery. One day I just said, “If you don’t want to be here, just go. And don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.” He was stunned. He left. And of course I agonized because I didn’t want him to leave; I wanted the love-bombing, overvaluation stage back. Having made the huge leap to buying the house on my own and committing to 15 more years of working, I wanted a mate to help me! I couldn’t be alone! Noooooo!!!!
So of course I apologized, and he came back, with more of the same abusive crap until he finally did 3 or 4 terrible things to ruin my birthday–including leaving early– and then just never came back. He dangled me by phone and text for 7-8 weeks and I just couldn’t figure out what was going on. The last time I saw him, I showed up at his place unannounced on a Sunday night. He let me in but said he was busy with reports and I said “I brought my laptop” and worked in that cold, miserable, messy room and not a word was said. When I got ready to leave, I just said, “I need you to tell me you’re done with this.” And all he could say was ‘You’re in a hurry.” Such a typical narcissist response. Five days late, I found his FB page, with his one cheater pants friend. And the whole picture came into focus. But my instinct was telling me right from the start that he needed to go.
It costs them too much to be honest up front. They get sad sausage points for “staying” with us even as it’s clear that the relationship is on the demise (usually because of a third person in it), and prolonged kibbles that we indicate we want the relationship to continue. On our end, it’s sheer hell.
I could write a book about my stupidity. Two of my favorites are: when I drove an hour to go to his doctors office to pick up his medication on a Saturday while we were separated and I didn’t know he was living with his girlfriend. I was worried about his health while he was worried about his dick. The second time was around the same time, on his birthday and he wasn’t answering his phone. I thought he was suicidal and called the mc who said I should call the police (which I didn’t). Turns out he and schmoopie went to a baseball game and a Broadway show. I spent the day and night frantically worried and looking for him.
Oh, there’s so much. What to choose? My ex was extremely amicable through the divorce, we agreed on things, I got what I wanted. He would reach out to me and act like we were friends. He apologized a lot. He asked if I wanted to meet him for a pedicure, so I did. He offered to pay for it. Then asked me if I’d dog sit while he was away for work. And I did. (I do love that dog, but still.) In my chumpiness, I replaced batteries for the motion lights in his closet (where he has 30 neatly pressed dress shirts in different colors. Narc alert!) He never noticed that I’m aware of, certainly did not say thank you. Just a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, HE decided he wanted to untangle everything and limit contact. I feel like it was just the next cycle of the narcissistic abuse. Throw me some crumbs, make me believe you are actually a damaged but kind person, then bring that hammer down. I find myself missing him, then get mad at myself for missing him. Missing what? Being treated like a door mat? Him withholding affection and love? Him telling me all the details about his goddamn mistress and all the places they fucked? If it’s any consolation, he is in the throws of PTSD, she didn’t leave her husband for him, and he has terrible nightmares every night about her. And yet…. I still find myself wanting him to be happy, and sad that he didn’t “choose” me. I know this will pass with time. My job is to let the clock tick. The more time, the more distance, the better I will get.
So you haven’t really tried “No Contact.” He’s trying it, for whatever Cheaterpants reason he has. But I suggest that you go No Contact–meaning you decide that you’re done with this, that you don’t need to pick-me dance any more, that you don’t need to pet sit or fix his closet or call him or text him. No contact. You are still thinking about him and sad about not winning the pick-me dance because you haven’t removed him from your life. Time is indeed your friend, but only if you put a marker in the ground and say, no more of this.
TunnelLight–you’re allowing his pleasant, let’s-be-friends facade to mask righteous anger. He’s used you, manipulated you, and made sure he was the one that do the rejecting. Why think that’s okay? Why not think, “I’m worth more than that?!” Because you are. I”m angry on your behalf.
It is part of the cheater handbook to always finagle it so they have the upper hand. I made it clear after D-day that I was done with then-H unless he proved to me otherwise. But everytime I consented to meet him to talk, or eventually to a counseling appointment, it was clear he used that to try and turn the tables on me, and would then “consider” divorce himself. I saw exactly what he was doing, and always turned the tables back on him (my skills honed after a 24 year relationship with the control freak), but he was still surprised I filed on him and didn’t change my mind. Anger at his need to always have the upper hand finally propelled me out of that marriage, through rage and hatred, to my current state of indifference/pity/hatred/disgust toward him.
Get angry.
Yes LovedaJackAss I do need to fully go No Contact – in my mind as well as in practice. And Tempest, you are so right that I need to get angry. I am proud of myself for never relenting and trying to “save” it after we finished our last bout of wreckonciliation last July. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about her and had to get over her “organically.” (After he had gone no contact with her for 28 days, he messaged her again.) That was when I told him I want divorce. If he couldn’t love me with passion, if I was not number one, then I was leaving the marriage. There were several times he’d say something like “Maybe we should try and help each other through this” and various other crap that hinted at wanting to try. I always said no. I knew I was the consolation prize bc OW wouldn’t’ leave her husband for him. But he succeeded in dangling me on the friendship line. There are still several joint debts that need to be untangled. Thank God we don’t have children together, although there are two adult step sons that I helped raise. There is a Switzerland friend and his sister that I need to establish boundaries with, as in, don’t say anything to me about him. Even if I ask. And I get pissed at myself that I even want to ask.
I think each of us wants to think that OUR situation can be different. We shared so many years together, we used to have each other’s back, maybe we really CAN be friends. But no. He’s a shitty friend, in addition to being a shitty husband. I would not accept this kind of treatment from someone claiming to be my friend.
So he can fuck right off.
I was told I was number one, but I needed to understand that others appreciated he was a fabulous rock star;and I didn’t fully grasp how lucky I was because he chose to be with me 95% of the time. His skanks “would give anything to be as lucky as me”?
We didn’t go truly no contact until a year ago when I caught him with a burner phone and he ran off with fuckface. I never saw or heard from him again except for a drink call from him in January where he said he went no contact to help me get over him. In between I called and texted and begged and he never answered me, even when our 22 year old cat was dying. I have enforced no contact at least six months now. I regret giving him the hard on of me begging
I’ve had the sad experience of losing a pet and hearing from a jackass. So sorry about your cat. The old ones become such an incomparable part of your life. That he could turn his back on you and the cat says all you need to know.
LostandFound and LovedaJackass,
I’m sorry for the loss of your beloved pets and the presence (even if was just over email, the phone, etc.) of your cheaters. I can understand wanting to reach out or talk to cheater jerks while grieving or in crisis. My post-separation now ex-boyfriend broke up with me the week I witnessed a traffic fatality and I learned that a young adult cousin’s cancer had metastasized in her lungs, this cousin’s mothers stage 4 leukemia was not regressing in spite of a stem cell transplant, and the child of one of my cousin’s had died. I broke down crying in my grief for these tragedies and many chronic challenges my family and I have started facing in the last few years. I think now ex-boyfriend, for whom I would have sacrificed my life, interpreted the crying bout as a sign that he should dump me–I was just too much ‘work’ for him.
You’re grieving, as you should. And about time! Any man who doesn’t understand that is not worthy of you. Of all the things I remember about the weeks before D-Day, the thing that was the hardest was wondering how he could say he loved me (I know ) and still stay away when my cat got so sick and the gas pipes started to leak and I was drowning in pain. But the answer is in the question. He could stay away because he was a no-good, uncaring, selfish jackass. End of story! 🙂
My dogs were put down when I left pig-that was my family teaching me a lesson. If I wanted to go home my dogs had to go. I was in agony when I found out about skank#5. My family has had more tragedies than could be believed. I begged him to just get out of my house and stop tormenting me. He advised me that I hadn’t been in the Vietnam War( neither had he). My NC shame was when I turned up at the house he was staying with #5 and pleaded with him to take our dogs.
Geez I was a chump?
For trying to save your dogs’ lives? No. You do not get to beat yourself up about that.
Thank you Aunt Podger. It’s always haunted me that I couldn’t save them. I lost my house and a pregnancy, but at least I was safe. ?
Dear RSW, I truly think you dodged a bullet with your exbf no matter what sort of a friend he might have been, narcs just don’t do much emotional heavy lifting. My ex was so frustrated with my grief when my Dad died (tho last time I cried in front of him was at the 3 month mark and he looked at me like seriously when will you just get over it) that he spent the next 2 years finding his soft landing and making sure I was unable to fight him by liquidating assets in my name. If they are not front and centre of your universe then they’ll find another. They are not worth sacrificing yourself for at all, sending you super strength to you and your babies.
Soon after DDay I spoke with him and he said he wished he could do all the things he was doing with her, with me instead. I invited him over for a nice lunch believing he wanted to be with me. As he was eating I said I was happy he finally wanted to do all the things we had planned that summer. No, he said, that’s not what I meant.
All those things I wanted to do I did myself. Whore and the Limited are living off credit cards.
So this occurred after DDay but before confrontation day . . . .
OW is an amateur musician who hadn’t performed in a long time. Cheater plans a family outing for us to attend OW’s performance to show support for “OUR friend” and expose our elementary-aged children to a new kind of live music (opry). When we arrive, I discover we were there not just to enjoy the show, but to help watch her even younger children while she performed. And by “we,” I mean me.
I get to take all the kids to the next-door restaurant. He’ll catch up with us in a few. He’s going to go give OUR friend a little private pep talk. So I buy her kids dinner, cut up their meat. Cheater comes over a bit later and, of course, is a thousand times more solicitous of her kids than he has ever been of ours. Here, let me wipe your cute little faces.
Then it’s time for the show. As patrons with fairly young children, I suggest we sit near the back in case the kids get a little wiggly or loud or we need to step out multiple times. (You know. The kind of thing considerate chumps do.) “Yeah, great idea,” Cheater says. “You all sit back here. I’m going to sit 2nd row center because I promised OW I would get a good videotape of this for her.”
So there we are, I’m taking care of 4 kids who are really too young for the setting, hushing them, trying to occupy them quietly, engage them, buying and cleaning up snacks, taking them to the bathroom, WIPING OW’s KID’S POOPY BUTT, all while Cheater lovingly, starstruckingly videotapes OW’s musical performance.
AND I KNOW. I KNOW HE’S CHEATING WITH HER. Why didn’t I say fuck this noise, throw a shoe at his head from across the concert hall, stand up and shout WHORE at the top of my lungs? Why? Still haven’t forgiven myself for that gem of a humiliating, mortifying experience.
Oh, and the cherry on top? After the show, OW asks how the kids behaved. I say they were a bit more rowdy than I had hoped, but we made it through (with a pained smile). Her response: Yeah, I could hear them from the stage. Firm childcare isn’t really your forte, darlin’. They would have behaved much better if they had just sat alone.
I’d a stuffed her bango up her grand old Oprey.
Love it, Magneto!
Seriously? ! Bloody hell, that’s definitely a narc response! What a bitch.
Chumpadilly – laughing here at the thought of an adult throwing a shoe and shouting, “whore” in the middle of a performance. Wish so much that you’d done it!
I’ve done many cringe-worthy contact moves. The worst was not eating for several days, chugging a bottle of wine, and reaching for the phone. I dialed OW over and over, leaving incoherent voice mail messages. No response from her. I texted an apology the next day, promising never to contact her again. No response. I regret the apology; she did not deserve it. Anyhoo, I started handing over my phone and laptop to a friend after work each day until I got myself under control. After 10 weeks of no contact, I realize they deserve each other. I’m free!
You are taking care of business, DistantMemory. AlloutofKibbles will be so proud of you. As are we all. 70 days No Contact. AooK says something like that “NC is the ONLY path to the Truth and the Light “(in true preacher fashion). If it had not been for NC I am certain that my head would have exploded. I was like a hand grenade with the pin pulled. Good for you.
A beautiful video made by Australians showing the American Blue Angels flight team with music by the Canadian band, Bachman-Turner Overdive ~~ ‘Taking Care of Business’: for you DistantMemory. You are piloting a new course with precision!!
Virago, love the video.
I’m glad, lingale. It was a nice composite effort by various countries represented in Chump Nation.
I didn’t get to do a No Contact fails. Mine was pretty much pure abandonment from the get-go. I can say that I went to work the day after I kicked him out (that was a Tuesday. Ironic) and wrote him an email with a list of 3 conditions that needed to be met if he wanted to save our marriage. And at the end of the email I told him that I hoped his hotel room was too quiet so he’d want to come home. Just….barf. He never even pretended to want to come home.
He left me with all our bills, the mortgage, I had to put our son in public school after homeschooling him to age 7. It was all he knew. I was on my own and he was living down the road from the OW. He chose that hotel because it was close to her.
I rarely see him these days. Drop off and pick up at my home. That’s it. He doesn’t ask about our son and I don’t offer information. No emails, no texts. In fact, he never did. Not once after D-Day. I look back and I read other’s stories and I know he did me a favor. But at the same time, it kills me knowing he feels nothing. It makes me sad for my son. I’m glad I know who he is now. He’d probably blame me saying I set up some serious boundaries. But, seriously, what did he expect? Or anyone for that matter?
Conniered, mine was like that too. He got up on a Monday morning, pretended to go to work and sent me a text message at 4:38 telling me that he was already in another state on his way to Florida. I spoke to him once on the phone after I’d had him served. He did send me a couple of texts in the following months pretending to be missing the grandkids. I told him to fuck off.
Yeah, mine did me a favor too. He got his when we went to mediation and the Judge rained down on his parade. In the months leading up to the divorce, when I’d feel like calling him and telling his worthless ass off and letting him have it with both barrels about what he did and what I KNEW, I just kept telling myself, ‘DON’T, he doesn’t care’. Nothing I could have said to him would have caused him to have one nano-second of remorse. He’s a hollow imitation of a human.
What-ever his ‘now’ gf thinks she has with him is nothing. He’ll walk out on her and her two girls as easily as he walked out on 15 years with me. He’s a pathological liar with NO conscience. And she doesn’t know it, but she was his ‘back-up plan’ if things didn’t work out with him and my ex daughter-in-law.
Oh my gosh, your DIL was the OW! Please tell us your son is doing okay. And if your ex was actually cuckolding his own child there are no words to describe his complete lack of morals and complete and utter disregard for family! The disgust you must have felt!
That’s a sick bastard.
Just wanted to flag that even a “fail” can have beneficial outcomes.
I went NC from my then-stbx after I filed. I only responded to legal/settlement issues.
But one evening, she got very greedy in some money issue iver email, and I didn’t maintain composure.
I wrote an email response, lashing into her, laying bare her lies and manipulation. I didn’t call her any names (although she deserved it.). I just spoke truth.
And it was a release. Catharsis. That night, I experienced emotions that I’d been ignoring/suppressing. It was a hard night, with little sleep and a lot of pain. But it was necessary.
For 4 months, I had taken the high road and avoided engagement. But allowing myself that brief slip, and failing at NC, helped me to move forward.
JC, you make a good point. My STBX rarely initiated contact, but he would respond. Between texts, emails and phone calls, I unloaded on him and challenged his rewriting of our history. I said everything I needed to say, and he needed to hear it all. Once I got to the point where I felt I’d said everything I had to say, I stopped contacting him. I think I would have burst if I’d held it all in.
@JC & @DistantMemory :
You’re both spot-on. I didn’t ever initiate contact with EXH#2 to unload on him, I did bide my time and knew I would have an opportunity to tell him just how much of a piece of shit, lying, cheating, stealing asshole he was and still is…
He moved out a year ago, and we’ve been divorced for 8+ months now. From August until this past February, I about once a month (usually over the phone) tell him why I have so much anger and rage towards him — I never called him names, I stuck to the facts and let it all out. This past February though was face-to-face and I was really surprised at myself at how I didn’t cry, I didn’t exaggerate or embellish— I didn’t have to. That was the last time and will be the last time I will have the conversation with him—if he didn’t get the message the sixth time I gave him, then he is truly a fuck-tard and I have no sympathy for him.
Of course, it didn’t make one damn bit of difference to him- it changed nothing. He still only sees our daughter every other weekend and has absolutely no contact with her in between.
It did feel good to finally tell him to his face what a piece of shit he is though.
Rock on, Chumps!!!
The only time I broke NC is after fucktard moved out and he contacted me to say that he accidentally had an online book order sent to his old address (my place). I stupidly wanted to stay classy so I told him I’d do it, and I did send the books to him when they arrived. It required enormous restraint not to throw a turd from our cat in the box. Does that count as a no contact fail?
Nah, KE, doesn’t count. It falls under the Politeness Clause in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, 1982 under ‘the other’ Prime Minister Trudeau.
Ha ha Virago! I wish I could have invoked the notwithstanding clause!
Karma, LOL you made me laugh and it reminded me of something. My MIL was visiting with us on vacation during the summer and the her sons (my ex) birthday was coming up so she bought him a shirt and asked me if I would mind mailing it out to him for her. I laughed and said sure, I’ll mail it after I shit on it. ha ha ha. Of course I was kidding, but it got a laugh. I mailed the damn thing because I love HER. She’s awesome. He’s an ass.
KRK, it sounds like you’re pretty awesome, too, to send the shirt on to your ex and to not shit on it.
The break in NC I regret most didn’t happen with my ex, it happened with a woman I suspect was an OW. During the time ex and I were in bogus reconciliation, he was still living in our marital home and took in a couple of boarders to provide income. One of these boarders was a woman who seemed sketchy at best. Admitted that she had been in affairs with married men. Appeared to have an addiction to pain pills. Ex and the roommate got much too close for my liking…. he would text her all the time when he was with me, seemed very close. I told him this made me uncomfortable, he just laughed and said he was devoted to me.
Several months after the end of the bogus reconciliation, I sent her a message through Facebook. Didn’t accuse her of anything, but asked if she “ever saw” ex doing “anything he shouldn’t have been doing” during the time we were trying to reconcile.
She sent me a very long reply, stating how he was “so excited” to be reconciling with me. How the two of them would sit up late at night “having long talks” about it. Gushing over him, actually.
I replied only, “Thank you. I just want to warn you he is not what he appears to be.”
Well, I got another reply from her saying that “Now she knew I was just trying to use her,” (I have never figured that out) and do not ever contact her again. And that same day, she gave ex $1000 to use towards his sasquatch project.
So I don’t know for sure if they were having a fling during the bogus reconciliation, but I strongly suspect they were. Casual roommates don’t generally give each other $1K for kicks. But I am sorry I ever contacted her. God only knows what the ex told her to make her send such a bizarre reply about me “using her.”
Oh, Glad, you’ve been to hell and back with that one. But you made my day with the reference to a “sasquatch project.”
Hi All,
I am writing to make chumps feel better about their ‘slip ups.’ I am sure that I get a place in the Chump Hall of Shame as I am a Serial Chump, meaning that I repeatedly reconciled with or offered to reconcile with my abusive, serial adulterer STBX and contacted my post-separation now-ex-boyfriend a few times, asking him if he would like to meet me for coffee, a short run, etc. (Although he said he wanted to remain friends when he dumped me, he now finds excuses not to meet me, although he will almost instantly return my phone call, probably because he is now lonely, in spite of all his accolades and popularity among colleagues and friends. I am guessing that the woman/women he dumped me for rejected him fairly quickly.)
Must. Work. On. Self-esteem. Triathlon training, preparation for teaching of three courses, and preparation for next divorce-related hearing, which involves trying to get the Court to let one of my kids get medication despite STBX preventing him from receiving medication, even though I offered to pay for it (what type of a–hole parent does this to his child, even after numerous professionals over many years have stated that child needs treatment?) are distracting me from my near-compulsion to call these jerks. I hope that EMDR offered by a new psychotherapist will also help me stop contacting and stop wanting to contact these Wastes of Time.
I started EMDR with my therapist – just worked on one mom-related childhood trauma so far. But I was amazed at what my brain did during that session. The next thing I want to do is EMDR the shit out of my ex’s constant rejection over most of our marriage and of course, after D-Day. I know it’s not a reflection on me, I know it, but I don’t “KNOW” it yet in my heart and soul. That’s what I need to get to. I’m sorry for your pain, believe me, I feel you.
Thanks for sharing, TunnelLight. I am glad that EMDR is helping you feel better, the way you deserve to feel.
They are the ones who demolished our self esteem
One.Day.At.A.Time. You can do this. One day at a time. One of my favorite coaches talks about teaching his baseball team to go “pitch to pitch.” That means “play the game one pitch at a time.” In our case, that means not seeing years of “no contact” ahead of us, but minute to minute, one day at a time.
“Compulsion” is the exact right word for that insistent feeling that we won’t be OK, that we can’t live without picking up the phone, making contact. It’s not unlike how I feel right now about those delicious little York mini-patties in the silver bag. Yum. If they are in the refrigerator, I must eat them. Or what it would feel like to be an alcoholic and want a shot of whiskey or a beer or a nice merlot. Or, for that matter, what a crackhead feels like without crack. So maybe the first thing to realize about going “no contact” is that if you are struggling, you perhaps have an unhealthy attachment to Cheaterpants.
Live in this moment. We’re alive, and we are getting through this moment, right here, without calling a jackass cheaterpants narcissistic abuser. Now let’s do another minute. Pretty soon whole days go by and then a month and then…Meh.
RockStarWife, you have come so far! I am so proud of you! Celebrate yourself tonight for being brave and mighty, for digging into your own life and letting the need for a male partner go until you are healed. I’m waiting for the moment when you change your name here to “Rock Star Woman,” when it’s about you.
LAJ,
Thank you for your support over several months (going on years?). You always share colorful, helpful examples and thoughts. As soon as my marriage is formally dissolved (it never emotionally dissolved as it never emotionally existed for my STBX–my STBX never wanted to honor commitment that comes with engagement and marriage and ran around from the day he MET me), I will start calling myself, at least to me, Rock Star Woman. We chumps (why should cheaters have all the positive self-regard?) deserve positive monikers!
And in my view, you are a Rock Star!
In my view as well. RockStar is a survivor. A woman of strength, one who has walked through hell and kept on going. Hugs to you, my sister.
For me this weekend in the past would have been filled with barbecues and family festivities. The kids are grown and have moved away and the divorce is final. Ex now finds himself alone and desperately seeking to sup and dine while reflecting on old memories we shared as a family. At a certain age strange vaginas don’t add up to a home cooked meal and a rich past. It appears random vaginas don’t concern themselves with activities involving family. Fifteen minutes of sex leaves a long, long, day and depleted funds.
My kitchen is closed, my apron now retired. Not interested. I haven’t had a day off for sometime and I plan to use it catching up on old hobbies.
Stay strong during the holidays and develop new memories and traditions chumps.
@Renewed —
You are SO right!!! These holidays bring out the sentimental side of the disordered. Luckily for me, the weekend wasn’t ever a big weekend for us— cause it wasn’t about HIM you see, it is about others and their sacrifices for us.
…but I’m sure Mrs. Dumb-ass’s family that he has leeched on to will have a big weekend of fun and frolic—pffftttttt, they can have him.
Thank you for that Renewed! You put into words what I was feeling better than I could have!
That is pretty much all I hear about satan now…how much he misses what he had…how lonely he is, no matter who he is with. …and, tonight, as I put the last dish away and folded my apron and the sun was still shining…I smiled to myself at the peace and serenity I was feeling and took Beau out to walk our new property, just he and I, enjoying the lowering sun and the awesome display the thunderhead clouds were putting on…the only sounds were the distant grumbling of thunder and the sound of my feet and his paws moving through the wet grass…Heaven 🙂 I’m in Heaven!
Aaaaahhhh 🙂 As we walked and inspected the trees I planted when we moved in last year, breathing in the sweet rain washed air, I gave thanks to God and Spirit for arriving here, being here, enjoying my life here. I gave thanks for taking me away from the life that was killing me moment by moment for those 36 years. …always waiting on drunken idiots, always having to wonder where satan went and with who, always walking on egg shells lest I waken the beast, always laying my dreams down for his, always…always…is no more…I am here, I am ok, I am free!
As my Sister Sue says, ‘satan may be able to be with every other woman on earth…but he will never, ever again touch awesome YOU!’ Geeze…I just love her!
It is the same with all of us…these disordered idiots can have the rest 🙂 but they lost THE BEST! TRUTH! SAYIN!!!
…speakin of THE BEST…where is one of us?…IAN WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Get yourself up and on here brother! Beau is starting to question whether or not you are REAL! Dude! The dog was ABUSED! He doesn’t need or deserve anymore people he cares about runnin out on him! DUDE! He couldn’t even get on his much loved trampoline today! EPIC FAIL on the JUMP UP INTO it! His confidence is in TATTERS! He could REALLY use a PEP TALK! …the surgery…yeah…he’s blamin THAT…not his LACK OF motivation… Starting new regimen of hiking, swimming and KITE FLYING tomorrow! Be there for him Ian!
Happy Memorial Day Chump Lady and Chump Nation! We have arrived!!!!
I’ve been wondering about Ian too. Hope you’re doing okay, Fellow Chump.
I am doing great FindingBliss 🙂 Thank you! I hope you are too! Happy Memorial Day!
Ian we are all waiting…
What a beautiful and inspiring post, Jeep.
Thanks for cheering on.
I am also feeling the same way these days….Spring has Sprung and I’m having the time of my single life.
I never realized how stifled I was…the eggshells…no sounds after 7:30pm….or before 2pm. (house office – his work hours).
With 4 big dogs who wanted to play, I realized how resentful I was getting about that – he refused to wear ear plugs to sleep.
Anyway, too many stories and I love being independent finally.
Been 36 yrs too long and I am not lonely at ALL!
Go C/N!! Meh is out there, trust us.
🙂 Shechump it just keeps gettin better!!! YA for us!
Once NC gives us the clarity needed to KNOW for sure that they suck and they ALWAYS will, true healing can begin. We do not need them, we do not deserve to live that way, we did nothing to deserve the criminal way we were treated. We got this!
Walkin in sunshine 🙂 Walk with me Sister!!!!
Jeep,
I just love your post. It sounds so peaceful and happy. I’m very glad that you have your peace (misspelling intended) of heaven. I’m leaving on Wednesday to go back home (Tucson) to have a girl spa with my two sisters. We celebrate annually the life of the sister thar passed. It’s my slice of happiness.
Oh Ian where art tho. I miss your wit, humor and male contribution.
🙂 Annie!
I too have lost a sibling…right after my mom passed…my little brother passed. It was and is so hard to bear. Your tradition sounds like just what your sister would have wanted for all of you. They are never really far from us, they are always in our hearts. We will all be together again in time, I am certain. There is only love.
Hugs Annie 🙂 and safe home! I can just feel the love and joy you are anticipating! Giddy happy! 😀
I am at peace here and sooo grateful for it! I, like most of us, didn’t think the C-PTSD, circular thinking, fear would ever stop! I am here to tell you it does 🙂 Just like Tracy promises, it is all finite. Thank goodness huh!
As we all keep payin it forward we are not just helping others stand up and loose the shackles, we help ourselves too. 🙂 We are fightin the good fight! Annie is right Ian, we need your help too.
Jeep,
You’re amazing. Thanks for your hugs. Right back at you. And Ian’s back! Whoot!
😀 Thank you Annie 😀 I think you are amazing and I appreciate your service to your country and your fellow man! You are a brave woman!
I am listening to your words of wisdom and maintaining vigilance at all times 🙂 I also called our local police department and spoke with Sgt. S_____ about renewing my CCW 😀 He said CERTAINLY Jeep! Come on over! So 🙂 I’m takin care of business!
Yes!!!! Ian!!!! And I see Kar marie is back and her feisty, awesome self!!!! CHUMP NATION ROCKS!
We got this people! Onward and upward!!!
…and Beau is gonna get his jump back on! He’s workin at it!!! 😀
Jeep,
“Brave Woman” made me giggle. So you know I was an MP and am now a cop. I’ve had some pretty dangerous experiences, not to mention been spit at, kicked, punched in the head. I’ve gotten several minor injuries. Since D-Day, I’ve learned to use a chop saw, circular saw, fixed my dishwasher, changed the locks, etc. I was feeling pretty mighty. Then last week I’m mowing the lawn and I saw a beheaded snake. I fucking screamed! Apparently it was one of my dogs handy work. It sent me into a complete panic. I’m sitting on the lawn mower going around it and watching it the entire time like it’s going to spring out at me! I start texting both my boys, who are working. Now I’m near tears and so I go get my neighbor. He disposes of it for me. I couldn’t stop shaking. Give me some meth head any day of week, but for a snake or a spider I need to find myself a man. Either that or train the damn dogs to eat the whole damn snake.
Hehehehe! I am right there with you Annie! …well…with the spiders anyway. I can handle snakes…SOME snakes, I should say. We have massasauga’s – aka pygmy swamp rattlers – around here…I don’t mess with those! But the other ‘local’ snakes are okay, I can deal with them. As for the spiders…EEK!!! NO WAY! …you won’t believe it but it is true, Beau EATS THEM! Yep! Who’d a thunk it? He jumps on em like a doggie treat and munches em up! I just love that bout him!
I have been ‘gnawed’ on by a brown recluse, swelled my right leg clear up to my hip! Nasty customers! Probably should have been hospitalized…but had a family to take care of and had to home care myself…I have also been bitten by an ‘aggressive house spider’ aka ‘sac spider’ – pretty similar to the recluse, just not as life threatening…but…wow…bit me on my left breast – must of been hiding in my bra! – that baby swelled up bigger than my head! The LOOKS people gave me! Hehehehe! One woman was so RUDELY staring at me (I had to pick my dad up at the hospital and couldn’t not go) I almost told her that as soon as I got the money together I was gonna have the right one ‘done’…hehehehe! Yeah, never think you just know what someone else is going through huh!
I have also bought myself power tools and have been using them 🙂 We are flippin MIGHTY! I built myself the most awesome work bench! I painted that baby hot pink and put casters on it so I can roll it outside and work on it if I want! LOVE IT! Next I’m gonna build myself an ‘outside kitchen’ so I can can my vegetable garden outside and spare myself the heat in the house. Awesome! We GOT THIS Sister!
…as an aside…I don’t know if this is true…but I was told that the pygmy swamp rattlers were ‘seeded’ here around Wright Patt during the second world war to thwart would be paratroopers from gaining access to the base…and that is why they are here, cause they are not indigenous…or they weren’t a few years ago anyway. Climate change may have something to do with their proliferation…?
I am definitely a chump in this regard. After my stbxh left me hanging to empty our house in Florida before closing (this the week after he was there with OW), he did it to me AGAIN at our cottage. He was supposed to take care of it then announced he wouldn’t be around. So,I did it again.I even packed my belongings in the trailer he left for that purpose. Said trailer was supposed to be brought here but he told his flying monkey that was picking it up to bring it to his farm I got it a week later with the lock cut off and some of my belongings taken. He even took garden tools (twice since he had already taken them at out house). So now finally lesson learned I am having the lawyer work a list into our agreement of the stuff I want to take from the house and he will have to clean out the rest or pay someone else to do it. Third time is not the charm!!!
Let’s see….there were several screw ups….but the one that is a flashing light is when he texted “thinking of you” while living with the whore for 7 months. I reamed him a new asshole….calling him a lying piece of shit, etc. Then I was angry at myself for even responding. As AlloutofKibbles constantly states, NC is the light and the truth! NC truly for me, is peace at its best.
This made me laugh. My STBX would send emails asking if I’d paid a bill, or whether I wanted to file taxes jointly or separately. To which I’d respond: “Fuck you. Is your live-in fuckbuddy paying any of the bills for living in the house that I half-fucking own? Of course fucking not. So fuck you. Figure it out your own fucking self. And I mean your own fucking self, fuckity fuck head.”
I irritated mine passive-aggressively in one case (not my usual route, but it amused me). He had signed papers for me to take over youngest daughter’s 2 college funds, since she refused to talk to him (and he refused to contribute anything more to her college as a result). Because I took care of ALL the discovery, paperwork, etc. connected to the divorce, continued to have a heavy load of teaching, and was now cast into single parenthood, getting the forms notarized on my end was not a high priority.
After 5 months, he was clearly irritated the accounts had not been switched over. Life happens, and it took me another 7 months to send them in. I’m sure he was stewing during that time, but wouldn’t contact me again because his email had been found in the AM hack (and he knew I knew).
Tempest, I think one of the biggest mindfucks is their attempts to calmly conduct business as if that was then, and this is now, because I made it so. Fuck that.
Exactly, lingale!!!!
EXH#2/The Evil One would ask me, “What’s with the cold shoulder? Why do you sound cold? Why can’t you be civil?” Like, nothing had happened, Like I was to forget all about his abandonment, his lies, cheating, stealing, and his overall shitty character.
Plus, sometimes over the past year, when I would try to be social and be nice at exchanges for our daughter, he would be a complete asshole, so I finally gave up trying to ber nice at all and just be cordial.
Disordered fuck, Mrs. Dumb-ass needs to step up her game and keep him happy at all times, so I don’t have to deal with his shit-moods.
I wish there were an edit button. Lord have mercy.
Again, edit option. Was not were.
Actually ‘I wish there were’ IS the correct one! Your subconscious led you right. English is weird!
My exH asked to borrow my car for a w/e fishing trip because it was an estate car (do you call them “station wagons” in USA ?) and I agreed. I even helped load his fishing gear and make him sandwiches and a flask of tea to have on the journey.
Of course he wasn’t fishing, he was going to stay in a hotel with slut-pants.
If I’d known, I’d have put razor blades in those sarnies not ham & salad.
And you believed him because you trusted and loved him, Jeanette.
It reminds me of the scene in Brokeback Mtn where Alma leaves a note in Ennis’ tackle box, learning later that he never opened it.
Jeanette, eventually we just outsmart cheaters. Their game is repetitive and short on strategy. And they are a few lures short of a full tackle box.
Let it be said, first of all, that each time I go no contact, I end up failing miserably, and sometimes I even fail spectacularly. Well, here’s my confession to hang in the chumpy hall of shame: He was leaving me to move interstate to live with his affair partner. I was pretty upset. As he packed his things, I told him I would not send him any more texts and would only call him if there was an emergency with the kids. He kissed me goodbye, said, “I’ll call you if it doesn’t work out.” (I know, just awful). And he was gone.
At that point I should have gone completely NC like I told him I would. But no. I didn’t stop there. (Oh the shame of it!). I found out the name of his local newspaper and I put a special message in the classified ads – one that only he would understand. He had always loved Sherlock Holmes and I thought he would like a secret message just for him. Laughing now as I write this, go, super chump me! Then I sent him a text message with just the name and date of the paper and the word ‘classifieds’.
If this had been a movie, he would have nipped down to the store, bought the paper and read the message privately. Suddenly seeing the error of his ways, he would then catch the next plane home. But no, this wasn’t a movie…
The lazy bum was lying in bed at his affair partner’s house when my text came through. His affair partner was at work (boy, what a catch he turned out to be – are you having fun, OW?) so he barely moved a muscle, (though he might have given his hairy butt a bit of a scratch), stayed right where he was, and called her at work. He asked her to find a newspaper (“There’ll be one somewhere there.”) and SHE looked it up, and read it out to him. There was hell to pay then! He told me later that my ‘stupid’ message caused all sorts of trouble, and she emailed me to tell me what a desperate pathetic loser I am. And well… at least I can laugh at myself now.
And who is a desperate pathetic loser? Someone committed to making a marriage work, or someone who poaches a married man? At least you caused some trouble in paradise ; ).
THIS!
And who is a desperate pathetic loser? Someone committed to making a marriage work, or someone who poaches a married man?
OMG… ‘my’ OW told me the affair was all my fault. That by accepting the affair for so long, forgiving him over and over, that I had taught him to be a cheater, and to not care about consequences (as there were none)! OWs are bitches!!!
When he moved in with her, OW went through his phone and read all the messages he had sent to me during ‘reconciliation’ and she was furious. She sent us both messages accusing him of lying and cheating on her and accusing me of having an affair with my own husband! I laughed. it was so ridiculous. Had to go totally no contact with her to get away from her and to keep my sanity.
LOL… he obviously fed her a bunch of lies too! Karma bus is always coming! He will cheat on her too.
Ugh!!! I hope you agree still NC! (((Hugs)))
Oh, honey!!!! That is AWFUL!!!! What a piece of shit fucking asshole!!!! I’m so sorry!!!
I hope that motivates you the next time you think of breaking N/C.
It’s hard, I know, I had to sit on my hands and turn my phone over to a friend one night – told her that if one of my sons called, then tell me otherwise, keep it from me…it was a long night for sure, but I survived and you will too.
((((((((red))))))))
2 years, 1 prostitute, 2 tinder hookups later, she took him back, is pick me dancing her arse off, is completely codependent, and still fighting for a piece of turd! what a loser!!!! She told the whole world of his cheating and still took him back, the whole world now things she’s a nutcase and a loser too.. lol
Black humor is a way to move on. Laugh at yourself, and at them–they have each other. Who won?
Ohmagawd. I literally drove my cheater to his mistress AP “girlfriend’s” apartment to retrieve the Harley he bought during our divorce (while we were “mediating” / he was threatening I would get so much less than he was “offering” if I litigated) after one of several of their “breakups”. This one was going to be THE breakup. For real this time. He was afraid she would damage the bike since he was leaving her.
Turns out he “moved in” with her and was living there with my son when it was his turn to have him. He now claims she’s going to his step mother.
Chump times a million.
Once when he arrived at my door to pick up our daughter I asked him to wait outside and I would get her. He texted me back to be “civl for the sake of our daughter.” I didn’t respond but I wanted to text back, “Would have been civil if you’d kept your dick in your pants for the sake of our daughter.”
I’m pretty good at limited (text/email) contact. I did see him at P/T interviews checking out the teachers. Ewww.
He’s back with his abusive (desperate) girlfriend and they seem happy. When he’s with her he leaves me alone. It’s good.
After we first separated, I had endless text arguments with PreyingMantis over money (hundreds of dollars) owed on a cell phone bill. How delicious those kibbles must have been! Me constantly begging and cajoling so the phone doesn’t get shut off, and PreyingMantis giving me every excuse in the book why I couldn’t get reimbursed… just to drag things out and keep control and centrality. I eventually gave up and went No Contact, since I figured it was gonna be a cold day in hell before I ever saw that cash. Months later, on my youngest’s graduation day, I spend the day avoiding contact with them during graduation, don’t go to graduation lunch, make sure I’m not around when my son gets the last of his things from the house (he’s about to go into the Army, so this is also move-out day), and wait until I’m sure they’re all gone. It hurts like hell I can’t get one last hug and kiss goodbye from my son, but PreyingMantis is so toxic I just can’t risk it. So I finally come home and see an envelope propped up on the kitchen table, just like there used to be when we were together. And yes, it’s a cute card from PreyingMantis… with a check for the amount owed and a “heartfelt” note “apologizing” in classic cheaterspeak. That it was all for the best, and we were healthier apart, and that PreyingMantis was sorry that PreyingMantis broke my heart… ’cause every day is *all* about PreyingMantis! Even *THAT* is not going to get me to break NC this time. I deposited the check; I’m reasonably certain it will bounce, but that’s OK. If Tracy & the rest of CN need a good laugh, I could send in a copy of the note for the UBT. That alone would make it worth it. Part of me is grieving and misses my son horrendously… but part of me is glad to finally be free. There’s no reason whatsoever now to ever have contact with PreyingMantis again. Hope I drop off the radar screen and that bastard forgets I ever existed. I sure know I’d like to forget PreyingMantis ever existed too!
Sunny, (((hugs))) to you. I’m sure you’re missing your son like crazy. And here’s hoping the check clears, but it makes a good story about PreyingMantis’s endless search for kibbles.
Sunny, I am so sorry that you did not get a proper goodbye with your precious son. Just know that he would understand, if he knew everything. And you will hug him again. Be in contact with him any way you can.
As for PreyingMantis, perhaps he will move to a more tropical climate, those eyes will bulge right out of his head, and he will mate with a female of his type who will decapitate him before or during ‘mating’! Karma Bus No. 4.
Your freedom was hard earned, but yours nevertheless. Well done.
(((((Major hugs!!!!!))))) Sunny! What a triple whammy: Going through a divorce, your baby graduating, and then same baby leaving for the military. My own baby boy graduates tomorrow, and that alone carries enough emotion, let alone other stuff piled atop.
Much love, sincere prayer, and the best of wishes to you. You’re gonna do great!
Cringing at all our sorrowful remembrances. I tried the desperate phone call to get him to give up his apartment in another city and told him about my recent diagnosis of major depression to hear him talk about how I had to use my family and friends (POS had moved me on the opposite side of the country in the midst of his his fucked up family but miles apart from any of my family or friends) for support.
POS expected me to bolster support from my one child (suffering major suicidal depression). What a absolute piece of excrement…he moved me from place to place, ripped apart any friendships I had left and left me with a deeply wounded child to take care of … but I never loved him enough, screwed him enough, never blew him enough or WTF ever enough so he fucked prostitutes, escorts, one night stands, and his friends’ wives in retaliation because I was too stupid and sexually inadequate for the awesome cheater x.
And during mediation (kicking myself this way and that to next Sunday for not going full bore bitch and taking him to court) his POS lawyer brings up me telling my children and his siblings he cheated on me. I actually apologized.
If I ever see this asshole again…FUCK YOU is my only greeting.
I just have one blooper. Glad it was just one. And, I’ve mentioned it here before.
When I caught him redhanded with my best g/f having a 3 year affair – he started beating himself up.
He said, ‘I just wanna shoot my head off’.
I was horrified! Surely nothing should make anybody feel THAT bad….
So good chump that I was, I immediately said, ‘Oh, it’s okay honey, it was just an affair’.
I laugh about that now because he had no idea what was ahead of him with a very angry scorned wife after 36 yrs.
I had no idea I was capable of the anger that came out.
I kicked him out of the house completely one day and tore his ‘whore-bed’ apart, washing every blanket, and found a pair of cheap lace black panties wrapped into the blankets. (he forgot to remove those as he never thoroughly cleaned his bed – which he started doing regularly).
Well, he walzes in, after I think he’s gone, and said he couldn’t pick up his motorhome for some reason and mixed himself a dry martini, sat down at the table and turned on his internet. And he had a fucking GRIN on his face!!
I went completely medieval on his ass – FINALLY.
Thank goodness I had a friend upstairs listening. He wanted to take the discussion to the garage, but hey – I wanted my friend in hearing shot.
He was afraid of my anger – which was mighty, put his martini in the freezer for, what? Later? Wish on buddy. And he left really fast.
I cannot believe I believed his manipulation about suicide, entitled enough to feel free to move back in and think *I* will accept it?
He must have remembered my stupid words….it was only an Affair honey….(don’t kill yourself).
UCK UCK
And, I won’t even mention all the angry emails I sent him afterwards.
But, I am at meh now and don’t really regret anything.
Even posting the pictures of the panties on his Bloomberg computer that he shares with other traders on Wall Street – as I had taken a photo on top the very white dryer, with the black panties showing up very nicely.
I said, Hey honey – these aren’t mine. This is a cheap pair from Walmart and I only buy French Imports.
Everybody saw it before he banned me from that work address.
So, for every blooper, there is a reckoning day!
Keep a chugging chumps.
Meh is a great state of the US of A!
What’s with these skanks leaving their busted out drawers in the wife’s home? Hopefully you bagged then and set them on the curb as medical waste. I can’t understand the reasoning behind the mixing and intermingling of body fluids between several people is gross. Call me old fashioned but just can’t fathom the ease in which these people, men in particular have oral sex with ow who are also cheating. Semen sticks around for awhile. My ex’s ow was married but my ex swore she was not sexing her mate. It’s funny because ex always had some sort of infection in that area. No kisses for me!
“But, I am at meh now and don’t really regret anything.
Even posting the pictures of the panties on his Bloomberg computer that he shares with other traders on Wall Street – as I had taken a photo on top the very white dryer, with the black panties showing up very nicely.
I said, Hey honey – these aren’t mine. This is a cheap pair from Walmart and I only buy French Imports”
That is effing awesome! You go girl! Hahahahah. Shechump FTW.
I said, Hey honey – these aren’t mine. This is a cheap pair from Walmart and I only buy French Imports.
That was MIGHTY (and mighty awesome:)
No contact has been the hardest thing: I’m a year out from divorce.
I have two daughters and they often don’t answer their phones or texts, so I end up calling house, and cheater wife picks up…..she talks forever about her day (I chumpy listen – – I practice Gray ROck)- finally she puts daughter on line or not…
I get so emotionally upset for about a day or more when I talk to her….. It sucks.
I’ve blocked her on FB and other Social Media…(only recently)
Any advice on how to handle daughters and contact…. This Memorial Day weekend I’m just not going to call them…I can’t call the house anymore.
Chris, my suggestion to you is to talk to your kids about answering the phone when you call. Kids these days are on their phone 24/7. They need to understand to pick up when you call or respond when you text. They are good at it when it comes to their friends – they can be just as good when it comes to you.
Chris, you do need to get your girls to step up on answering you. But if you do have to call the house and you get your ex, you could start being less nice about her trying to pretend everything’s fine and you’re all friends now. When she talks, go dead silent. At the slightest pause, just say politely ‘may I speak to Daughter, please’. Keep doing that every time she pauses. Do not respond in ANY way to what she’s saying. If she throws in a piece of info that actually requires a reply from you, say ‘please send that to me in an e-mail’. Repeat as needed.
She’ll get pissed, that’s OK. You’re no longer obliged to be ‘nice’ to her, just civil. These assholes often take advantage of our politeness, don’t let her do it anymore.
Thank you KarenE,
I will take your advice and practice this.
Chris
MIne should probably be filed under the ultimate wreck of a wreckociliation since it was such a prolonged piece of chumpery, Despite everything, the affair he had with one of OUR coworkers, then the affair with a “friend” that made me suicidal, after everything, I decide to reconcile. He hasn’t moved back in, but we go on a long planned family holiday with the kids, and we have sex, because hey, we’re reconciling and buying a house together, right? Except that a few weeks after we got back,, while we were going house hunting at weekends, he started back up with the first OW of them all, from back before we got married (but when we were going out).Wondered why it was so difficult to arrange to get him to stay over, even though we were ” back tgether”- now I know. We buy the house- but he is very very slow to move in. has trouble breaking his lease, he says.So we are all sitting in this new house planning where his stuff is going to go and he has an complete second life with Miss TwuWuv99. I was going to build him a man cave! god i was dumb.rejoice, all ye who merely broke No Contact! I was far, far, dumber than you.
I’m late to this exercise…but here goes…
satan called me crying one night…sounded like the man I had loved for 36 years…raised amazing sons with, built a pretty awesome life with…he said, ‘Jeep, can you ever love me like you did again? Please come and see me…please Jeep!’
…yeah…scared as I was of him with his new ‘turn on a dime’ behaviors…I went…
The door was locked so…I knocked and said, ‘It’s me…’
The blinds came open and there he was…completely naked, dancing around like an idiot and laughin like a loon…and snapping pictures of me…
I started to cry…he told me to go home…just fucking go home!
…still don’t know what that was all about…but…now I just don’t care. he is insane and I am free of him.
That was the stupidest thing I could have done…the man had tried to beat me to death 4 times and I go to him? SMH
Ugh…
He really is a bastard fucking lunatic!!!! So glad you are free of him.
He truly is evil UnsinkableMolly. And completely insane. I am so glad to be free of him. I wake up everyday and Thank God for delivering me safely out of that horror show.
…I feel like, in his mind, I am a character / chapter in a book that he would put down or pick up depending on what or when he needed ‘something’ and who / what he needed it from…like, until whatever he needed could be gotten from me, I would just be layin there – bookmarked – for his needs to be met. We are objects / tools / TOYS, they believe to be at their disposal.
I have read a bit of what others here are sharing this morning and I am just shaking my head at the audacity and extreme cruelty of these disordered assholes.
…my friend, Anne, who also survived a long term relationship with a disordered cluster b, asked me one day, ‘Do you feel like a magnet?’ I said yes, yes I do! She said, ‘I believe they have a mental rolodex that they page through, trying ‘number’ after ‘number’ till one of us ‘answers’ their call. I don’t believe they can be alone for very long. I think they need others, but ‘others’ disgust them, for whatever reason, so they do not form deep, abiding relationships. I don’t think they can.’
…what a profound observation…provocative…but too ‘icky’ to dip my mind into for very long… I don’t even want to understand…
We are free and I am grateful for that.
I’ll play. I am dealing with a Sinister Minister and a church investigation of his fling with a lady in the congregation that has left me feeling utterly violated.
Since he dropped the bombshell on me on 14 May, I have had two other face to face meets and an email exchange. This has been me trying to ‘rebuild our friendship’ and offer support.
In each instance, I have been belittled, lectured, and had to listen to him blaming the AP and about three other people for, essentially, not protecting him from his own penis. I have also had it made clear to me that I Cannot Possibly Understand, and that It Is All The Devil.
I am so glad I am involved in this investigation, because I have been very clear and very fair in my evidence, and will continue to be so. He is toast.
I had initially resolved to go NC, but I hadn’t realised the full extent of this man’s narc tendendies, and my own co-dependence. So while it has been a fail, it has been a really instructive one for me. I am now able to move away completely from the church and find a new church community. I need this in order to start healing.
Man, I love it when I take my own good advice …
So I guess that NC fails are’t really fails in the long run, if you use them to learn. But ouch.
So true, Lola Granola.
Late to the party, but I’ll chime in:
The Evil One moved out, and pretty much went N/C with me from the jump. I kept a calendar back then chronicling each day if he had come by to see our daughter, called/texted, whatever. I didn’t contact him, ever unless he contacted me first, still don’t. Looking back over those days, he actually went three weeks straight without a single text or call about his daughter. Shit-sandwich-deluxe-mind-fuck-galore!!! It sucked really bad, not going to lie, but thanks be to God that I had found Chump Lady/Chump Nation before that and knew that No Contact is the best contact, so I was able to get through it with my IRL friends and family, and you guys- ChumpNation…
Any-who, I must confess that I too had sex with The Evil One a few times over the course of about 6 weeks- even though I knew about the OWhore. I really, really wanted to burst OWhore’s bubble and contact her to tell her, but I knew she’d believe his bullshit, so it’s whatever…Even though I knew it was just sex for him— after the first time, the second and third time were just sex for me, but I did get a joyful glee out of getting “I love you” texts from him afterwards— but wouldn’t respond, heheeeee…it was even more joyous for me when he continued to come to me trying to hook up, and I would deny him for about two months after the last hook-up!!!
One thing he did say to me after he met now-Mrs.-Dumb-Ass, but before he filed for divorce that “even if we were both seriously involved with someone else, I want to still get with you and ‘have fun'” — seriously. I told him hell-to-the-no about that for sure!
A year later since he left, we have each other blocked to our Facebook pages, I haven’t checked his Facebook page (“pain-shopping”) since January, I do not contact him, ever. I always wait for him to contact me for his weekends and I keep it brief and to the point.
I believe he still drives by my house regularly – in the morning before work and in the evening when he gets off work, or he drives by during the work-day knowing I’m not home. He chose to move to his house (AKA the slut-shack) about 3 miles from my work-place. He doesn’t want to be with me, but he made damn sure to stay near me, fucking prick.
EXH#1 & I couldn’t have stayed N/C at all because our sons were both involved in multiple extra-curricular activities and we were both around for those activities all the time. Looking back, I’d say the first year after our divorce was rough — really rough, but it got much much better as I got stronger over time. Fourteen years later have now passed since, and I have zero-to-nothing to do with EXH#1, even though we have two sons together— he’s been married and divorced two more times since us and is on wife #5 now a days…. The Evil One and I have a child together, but he’s too busy with OWife and HER two kids to bother with her except every other weekend.
Meanwhile, I’m over here in MEH-topia moving forward and keep on keeping on, all I can do.
The context:
XW and AP had taken our children to a doctor’s appointment. I joined by phone. On speakerphone I told the doctor I would discuss our children’s treatment plan when AP had left the room. So he did. XW, Doctor, and I agreed to a change in the children’s meds.
When I was driving to XW and AP to get the kids, XW texts “I need to discuss something.” I text back: “What is it.” Her: “It’s about the children.”
I park and XW, AP, and the kids come out. XW and AP proceed to verbally attack me in front of the children for sending AP out of the room at the doctor’s. XW snarls at me “Start stepping up and being a real father.” AP, the New Sheriff in Town, tells me “That will never happen again” (referring to him leaving the room). I tell him “Yes it will; you have zero rights regarding my children.” He then tells me to “step out of the car,” blah blah blah. You get the picture. Protecting the Damsel in Distress against me, The Evil Dragon. It just escalates from there–in front of the children. My daughter (8) is crying. After some more stupid macho back-and-forth (I don’t get out of the care and fight him as he openly carries a gun, coward that he is) and me telling XW to de-escalate the situation as our child is crying (of course she doesn’t; she is digging what she perceives as two knights fighting over her) I take a mental breath, get the kids in the car, and drive off. It was a really horrible scene.
Moral: Never engage. Don’t believe a word they say. And definitely don’t confront the AP. I foolishly believed (yet again) that XW really did want to discuss something serious about the children. Since then I’ve only communicated via text and email. Never on the phone and never face-to-face. I’ve got nine years left in my “sentence” until my youngest is 18. Then NC forever.
You took a mental deep breath, got the kids in the car, and drove off. David, that was a powerful move on your part. Having had a child with serious medical issues, there’s no way I would allow the AP to be part of the process. AP has no standing here; you might need to get a court order to get that through to him and XW. You also could contact your children’s medical providers to work out how the appointments will be handled and lay out who is, and is not, legally entitled to be present and privy to confidential medical information concerning your children.
I stopped engaging a few months ago, and it’s ended a lot of the ugliness.
David, I found myself so frightened for you as I read this. Such domineering, arrogant, intimidating (wears a gun!!!!) behaviour. I would have needed brown pants, for sure!! I hope there is a solution, as lingual is suggesting above. Or maybe that is not the battlefield to die on. Since I don’t have kids, I don’t know how a parent copes with this stuff.
But I DO know that your safely and the reduction of fear in the kids is critical in this situation. They were both abusive bullies and the dynamic could perhaps make for interesting conversation with the kids so that they understand why D8 cried and why the others felt what what they did. You could be honest re what you felt, as well. It was an impossibly bad situation but your discussions might be fruitful.
You are mighty! That includes profoundly brave and responsive to your kids. You may have to channel your inner Hulk for the duration of your sentence! All the Best.
Somehow lingale got auto corrected, Apologies!
Thank you. What shot through my mind during this encounter was: this has two outcomes. Either I end up in jail, the hospital, or the cemetery, or he does. It’s not worth it. They are not worth it. But I am ashamed to say that I took the bait: he said something to me about my XW “will be my wife in four months” (like he had won the pick-me-dance) and I retorted, “Then maybe you should tell your fiancé to stop coming to my house, telling me she still loves me, and lying on top of me on my couch crying.” To which he snarled, “I don’t believe you.” I looked at my XW, who, shocked that I told him this, snarled, “He’s lying!” I should have kept my mouth shut. But the kids weren’t in the car yet and I couldn’t stop myself from reacting in the moment.
And yes, it’s true what I told him. Only a few months prior, she had come to me crying, embracing me, lying on me, etc. Again, I didn’t push her away because she did this in front of our son and I did not want to look like the bad guy. I know, it’s twisted. So my son could very well corroborate this to OM, but I told him to just forget it; it would just create problems.
They are now at last engaged, if not secretly married. Good luck with that.
So smart ~~ “not worth” jail, hospital or cemetery. And there is no point in ANY discussion with either of them. Just kibbles for them. But you have a lot of useful material for discussion with smart kids!! you rock!
Yep, I have wanted to tell OWife so many times about how TEO & I were having sex last summer when he was “exclusively” dating her, and all the things he has told me about still loving me, etc., and how he talked about her to me, but honestly??? I don’t give a damn anymore, number one; number two, I seriously doubt she would believe me.
I agree with you for taking the high road and just getting the hell out of there — so not worth it!!!
The
What I meant to say- I know my husband slept with our daughter’s caregiver. But I did wait until we separated to confront him. Those of us ex military know the reality of the saying-the flak is the worst when you are over the target. He went nuts and called me all kind of names . The worse part is I apologized the next day-I just want to be over with this. And I know he will make mylife miserable during the divorce.
It’s funny how they take such great pride in talking the talk when they are so inept at walking the walk. At the beginning of my separation, my ex went completely ballistic when my youngest son wasn’t able to talk to her on the phone at the time indicated in the separation agreement (“around 7:00 pm”). He had fallen asleep just before she called, so what could I do? She said “if you continue to disobey terms of the agreement, you will hear from my lawyer.” So since then, guess who rarely calls on time at 7:00 pm…because she was “having a run”, or needs to be at the gym at 7:00 pm, or “was talking to friends.and lost track of time”? I have consistently phoned my son at exactly 7:00 pm. How many times have I called and have been told “we’re at the movie theatre” or “we’re out for dinner, so he can’t talk right now” or “he’s playing at the next door neighbor’s house”? I have been documenting all violations, but it’s probably all for naught as it’s not like my kids’ welfare is in danger. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just being petty, but it least it reminds me that I can take pride in my integrity. It certainly doesn’t help in staying no contact when I so frequently want to give her a piece of my mind.
My ex clearly where her priorities lie. My middle son had his year-end dance recital last night (for which the date and time were announced over a month ago). My ex told him last night that she wasn’t coming because she was out “camping.” Great support for her kids. On the bright side, her not being there made the evening much less stressful.
Not surprised at all — this is what they do.
EXH#2/The Evil One told me, our friends, his family that our daughter would be Priority #1, and that our divorce was going to be “amicable” —wrong on both points!!!
Also, his actions have spoken these words:
“It’s OK for me, but not for you to do X, Y, Z…”
“It’s OK for me (TEO) to lie about you, but it’s not OK to you (ME) to tell the truth about you…”
>>>>>I have been documenting all violations, but it’s probably all for naught as it’s not like my kids’ welfare is in danger. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just being petty, but it least it reminds me that I can take pride in my integrity. It certainly doesn’t help in staying no contact when I so frequently want to give her a piece of my mind.<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I know exactly what you're talking about!!!! It's a shit-sandwich-deluxe!!!
I think I need to admit my big giant no contact fail. It’s the chumpiest thing I have ever done and I had better not ever do something like that again. I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit this. I have spent a lot of time analyzing why or how I could be so chumpy. But the good news is that I am getting better and I have gone NC and it’s going to stay that way. I am so much happier now.
Last year around this time while we were divorcing, he asked if he stay in the spare room of the house my brother and I share. He said he had this GREAT JOB OPPORTUNITY that would get him on track and just needed a launch pad for a couple of months. He has always had a hard time getting a job and now that we were divorcing, I really did want to see him get a job and be self-sustaining. He didn’t work that much while we were married.
So, through a bunch of chumpy .dumb-dumb thinking. My brother and I said he could stay for NO MORE than 3 months. When that time came, he somehow hurt his back. Ruptured a disk. He could barely walk. He had sciatica. He said he could not move out. My brother and I let him stay so he could go to the doctor and get some sort of shot in his back. After that, he never seemed to get well enough to move. Was always on a ton of painkillers. Would never give me straight answer on what his plan was except he couldn’t move with his back and everything was sooooo expensive. I felt sorry for him and could not throw him out in his condition.
However, he was also becoming a pain in the ass. Complained all the time, surly, groaning, lots of pain noises. He didn’t or couldn’t help around the house. Never paid rent but gave us a few bucks here and there. Then I learn that this GREAT JOB OPPORTUNITY was actually a $16.53 per hour job. You cannot live on that in the Bay Area. Then soon after he was fired from his job for being unpleasant. Imagine that?
So, to make a long story short, we gave him a month notice to move. One night before moving out, my brother and I were outside talking on the patio by the pool and he comes outside with us. Then out of nowhere, he basically attacks my brother, sucker punches him, they both fall in the pool and he tried to wrestle with him. It was very sudden, scary and violent. My guess is that he must have taken way too many pain pills. And he is a loony.
After that, we gave him 2 hours to get his shit out of the house. He already had most packed. Later he tried to tell me that my brother was giving him the stink eye or some kind of menacing look. Which is sorta nuts cause we were just chatting about what to put in the garden. In any case, that finally got him out of the house. He is now living with his mother back home, presumably still whining about his back.
P.S. Right before I blocked him on everything. I got an email asking if he could housesit while my brother and I are on vacation later this summer. Said he would even do it for free. Hahaha.
xH has a very bad back. Ruptured disc. It really, really hurts, especially if I’d wanted to drive anywhere, or there was yard work. It also made it hard to work at his job (but he worked faithfully, through the pain) and he even had to give up biking. I really felt badly for him–I really did. I’m not sure what he expected me to do for him, though. I would try to just stay out of his way because nothing else I suggested was of any use to him–made him snarly, and I just accommodated his begging out of anything I wanted or needed to do that might exacerbate his pain. I was grateful that he didn’t get hooked on pain pills and that he kept his job, and I told him so, which also made him mad. He would stretch but not according to how the physical therapist suggested, and he wouldn’t take any ibuprofen, nor acetaminophen for his bad back. He was sometimes very grouchy about his back (I would have been, too, frankly). I don’t know how he coped. It would have been miserable.
In fact, he “worked” a LOT of “overtime” in the end. And he left me because he wanted to backpack overnight and “sleep under the stars” with a woman–that’s what he told me (well, one of the reasons). And he moved an hour away from work, up a windy road, after refusing to move 15 minutes away from work with his family because it would mean he’d have had to drive to work, and how could I be so selfish as to want to move. He worked in the yard at his “getaway place,” the second home he had to have (which ended up costing us, in the end, hundreds of thousands of lost dollars). He slaved away at that place because it “wasn’t cluttered” with daily life. (My house is SO much less cluttered with him.) He played hours and hours and hours of on line video games when we were married, which didn’t hurt his back, apparently. I think, though I obviously can’t confirm, that he didn’t complain about a bad back to the Twat. Their hobby (his hobby, now hers, too) is sailing with their chihuahuas (he really does not like dogs). I guess that doesn’t hurt his back, so that’s good.
All this left me confused for a while, really. His bad back was such a presence in our lives. I mean, much worse for him than for me, obviously. I still feel bad about that for him. I really do. But it’s not my problem any more. Seems like he’s coping well.
I’m just throwing this out there — it sounds like his bad back isn’t as bad as he’s making it out to be. His back is okay to work in the yard at the other house, but he’s playing video games and not doing yardwork at your home with him? He can go backpacking (notice the word “back” in there?) with a bad back? You need to stop feeling sorry for him. He’s a selfish jerk. I hope you wrote this all in sarcasm? My STBXH excuse our entire 20 years of marriage (even dating) was that he had “so much work to do”, that’s why we couldn’t have a normal life, date after marriage, family life that included a dad engaged with us, etc. I felt “sorry for him” for all that work he had to do at work, so I did pretty much everything at home, including most of the care of the kids, etc etc. I did all this in the hopes that if I did just about everything, he’d have time for me and the kids. Not so much! He wanted all the adoration from his job and his ho-workers. The kids and I were the least important people in his lives and his daily ACTIONS showed it! Funny how now that we are separated, he CAN COME HOME EARLY from work whenever he wants to. I’m sure he’s not working almost all weekend long now. I’m sure he’s out with his slut. Selfish people will make-up any excuse/lie to do what they want to do!
HaHaHaHaHa! I’m sorry for all of this you dealt with, Miss Sunshine, but – their new hobby is ‘sailing with their chihuahuas’!!! I love this mental picture for how foolish both AP’s really are! LOL
Off into the sunset we go! Sailing with our Chihuahuas! Life is so much better now! Even tho I hate dogs!
I also had a Narc that had a lower back problem, when it suited him, like to stop working at a job!
Maybe you should stop chain-smoking, so your circulation could improve? That’s what Chumpy me used to beg. Or stop drinking every day, and eat better? None of that happened.
“Sailing with chihuahuas”? That is hilarious.
It sounds like a lame suggestion for a TV pilot by Alan Partridge. A 90s Brit comic whose career was imploding, desperately scrabbling for a deal and coming up with shocking ideas like Monkey Tennis.
Sailing with chihuahuas…Mwahahahah! Glorious image!!!
I have literally done it all. Slept with him after d-day and kicking him out. Multiple times. Called him crying and groveling after telling him never to talk to me again. Allowing him into my home. Responding to his texts, the mean ones (taking the bait) and the nice ones (enjoying the attention). Reaching out then pushing him away again. I keep giving him mixed messages. Got angry and divorced him yet I stumble so often. I am still the chumpiest of the chumps. I recently reinstated NC. Please lord give me strength to de-chumpify myself and live a good life.
Glad I am not the only one. No sex (complete discard), but wanting the non sexual benefits of monogamy. Which I provided (property maintenance, letting management, administration, bill payments, etc) ‘thinking’ we were co-operating. Nope. Soon after I filed, he moved into an intense relationship with an Old Flame. This was True Love, you understand! The One Which Should Have Been. Nobody Understands Him like She Does.
So I was negotiating a financial settlement having no idea of his secret life. Hell, the (adult) kids had no idea. He pulled the settlement after they broke up.
Now we are back to square one (3 years after I filed).
Patsy your phrasing is cracking me up. “This was True Love, you understand!” Indeed. My cheater tried to tell me that in the way I was his soulmate, she was ALSO his soulmate. And he wished I could have the same experience so I’d understand. Nope. Don’t understand. Don’t want to.
I am 11 (eleven) days in No Contact. I have moments of such catastrophic sadness that I feel wild, despondent and broken. I am 44, childless, never married and was deeply in love with this critter. I loved him from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
Here is a no contact fail that is cringe worthy, shameful and is a whack over the head that I need a team of therapist for daily sessions. My cheater is a drug addict. Hard core fiend. He proceeded to try and use in my home (smoking meth). I would make him leave. It did not start out this way, but slowly opened to a black abyss of his constant drug use.
As the drug use escalated, I made him leave each time, with each time being more dramatic and violent.
After showing up at my house so high that he was incapable of lucid conversation, I told him he had to leave. He left and spent weeks with a meth whore. When he slunk back, I found the texts where they were discussing their privates and the delight they gave each other. I vomited violently and made him leave.
I went 5 days No Contact and he found me at my mother’s for Mother’s Day Brunch.
She lives behind a gate. I went out to the gate where he had dog treats and food for my dogs. (We are not married and I have no children, but were engaged.)
I said, I cannot have contact with you. You have sexually betrayed me with a human garbage dump. (Her children were removed from her care, she smokes meth and lives in motel.)
He said, Oh, I never had sex with her. That was just her texts. I got a blow job from another woman.
I turned and ran back down the driveway.
He shouted out, “YOU DROVE ME TO IT” with a steel glare but with also with a shrug that absolved him of any accountability.
A few days later, I then called him crying over how I could not believe he cheated on me, why didn’t he care what we had, the whole untangling his skein of fucked up ness. I CALLED HIM. He was casual, glib, laid back. I was sobbing and he responds, “Hey babe.”
It boils down to this: I would not allow him to use drugs in my home. Therefore, he went and had dirty drug sex with drug whores (I know I cannot handle the entire enchilada of what he has actually been doing) and then blames me for his sexual betrayal.
And what is so obscene about this? I miss him. I check my email to see if he has contacted me. But I have 11 days under my belt. I know that contacting him with multiply the pain exponentially. In these 11 day, he is probably living with someone else.
I live 2 hours away from him, I have no children (just furry ones) and I have some cash. I think the best course of action is trip to India or Burma (I am a big traveler) so I can focus on this big world, and not his treatment of me.
This person makes me insane. He induces a panic in me that no one ever has.
I feel loss…what did I lose? A cheating drug addict. And I am utterly miserable. I go over all of those wonderful moments we had, and realize it was all an illusion.
I am so grateful for this website. It is singlehandedly preventing me from calling him. I am pathetic and my friends and family are maxed on this saga.
SabineSavoy, you’re doing great. In a way, you are “de-toxing” and that’s why this is killing you. You’ve been addicted to an addict.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling like shit. This is when the part of you that reached out to Chump Nation began to assert herself. That’s the part of you that’s trying to make you well but getting you away from that Shit Show.
Hang in there. Read every word in the archives. You’re doing great.
Thank you for reading my post and replying. Not to state the obvious, but your words give me strength…. white postive energy to withstand his dark pull. Big time gratitude. Thank you.
SabineSavoy, what you are feeling is totally natural. We have all been through it, are going through it. At various stages. You saw a good person. You BELIEVED he was a good person. You loved him. The loss of love hurts, even if it’s something that needs to happen.
That is well said and it helps. It is a loss. But I cannot tangle with a meth addict. I have become a meth expert, reading and researching. A fun side effect is it makes them pathologically frisky. It is nauseating.
Thank you for replying to my post. I was worried that being involved with a meth addict just sounded so dirty that people would recoil in disgust. I did not know what meth was until HIM.
I don’t know what living with a meth user is like, but I lived with a vodka-martini guy.
And, he liked his whiskey too.
And his wine.
And his Irish Coffees after dinner.
I really worried about the guests he was serving at my rather nice dinner parties who had too much booze to eat the great dessert, and who was driving them home?
He over-served all the time and always seems so narc about how he raged about how the world was ending and, of course, everybody I invited had to listen to the Ego-blasting of his. Ugh. That’s enough. It was like the guests came only to hear him preach about gold and markets..and he embarrassed me plenty.
He sat at the front of the table and preached. And, never once helped with dishes.
Oh God, I thought he had a brain tumor at the time.
Nope – he was high on sex from the new harlot and had so much Ego that it ruined all my finely made dinner dishes.
Looking back, I see it very clearly.
He looked and acted like he was walking on clouds…with an old group of friends, and everybody noticed his weird actions over many nights. He was acting like God himself! Amazing how these cheaters think people don’t know them or what they’re up to.
Don’t recognize the obvious signs of cheating? What fools they are.
Especially in these internet times.
I was the last to figure it out….and now, he wouldn’t dare to enter our little fishing village ever again.
Shame. Was it worth it, Pal??
“I may as well indict a barrel of hair. He does not care.”
Sopranos was good but Breaking Bad is what you need at a time like this when it comes to morals and decency…or something like that. :-/
(and how to properly dispose of a body with chemicals – ahem)
I couldn’t watch anything or read a book for the 1st year though.
Except Infidelity sites….and well, I’m still here…3 yrs later..
SheChump, You are still here because you are a person who loved and had empathy and was not a freak with no real feelings! That is why. Yes….I have Breaking Bad. That is a great idea. Yes…I wish physicians understood that heartbreak is physiologically catastrophic. Real symptoms in the body….that is why you could not focus on reading or zoning out in the first year. You were in shock.
Sabine, you are a wise women. “Real symptoms in the body….that is why you could not focus on reading or zoning out in the first year. You were in shock.”
The thing is, this is not only a real emotional shock when you are blindsided completely, but it fucks with your entire body.
I had a lot of broken bones, hernias and bad backs for the two years he left me with 625#’s of dogs, never looking back and he didn’t care.
Runaway Husband, as they call it.
(the dogs probably broke my heart more than anything – we didn’t have kids, but if they do it to dogs, they’ll do it to kids)
Not only did he not care, I got careless as I couldn’t function right and the dogs were sort of there and the two males fought and the entire balance of the household was wrecked. I got between many fights trying to break them up and wound up in emergency 4 times.
(and I hid the form about who’s dogs it was-hehe)
Fixing a dog fence up a cliff because my show girl was getting out, I fell 75′ down a cliff.
I had no clue what I was doing.
Bad break and wound up in hospital and had to find somebody to take care of the dogs for 6 days.
My stress level was like, super high – I didn’t think it could get any worse.
But, yanno what?
I got through it all.
Got myself back into shape, got back into rescuing Great Danes and having a blast with that – rescuing in my calling and I don’t have some idiot husband telling me to quit. That’s all I know. Idiot is finally GONE!
Not only that, but the door to my house is now a revolving door.
It’s open all the time and people come and go as they like.
I love the drop-in company (sort of) but, more importantly, I’m not living in the prison the X had built for me, kept away from being friendly to folks.
Wow SheChump! You are my idol! Seventy-five feet? WonderWoman would be a more apt moniker! What!
lol Jeep – thanks, but it was called foolish.
It took me 3 hrs to pull myself out of the fall down the cliff as my two dogs were with me.
I kept my cell phone the entire time, amazingly, but I couldn’t call 911 or any neighbors.
I have a very protective Dane that they would have shot him to get to me, so that wasn’t an option.
I fell and couldn’t get up (lol), blacked out a few times but I dragged myself out and pulled myself back up the 75′ on a ramp on my back with one arm.
Then I called 911. It’s a fun story.
I never should have been down there in the first place.
Like I said, you are crazy at times like this and my warning is to be very very careful.
I also went thru many 4 way stops without thinking….oblivious.
I recommend NOT driving after D-day #1, #2, or #3.
You can be killed or kill others.
A No Contact Tip from someone who is white knuckling it: I have found that when the urge to respond to an email he send or call hits, binge watching Game of Thrones, Sopranos, or some other series that are highly produced and dramatic helps to escape and fight the pull to indict him again and list his betrayals.
I may as well indict a barrel of hair. He does not care.
Yes! Good dramas. My go-to when I first moved out was binge watching “New Girl.” I am a little over three weeks into actual no contact (he’s been reaching out all this time acting like a friend, we got divorced in Feb) I’ve found that in the last few days, I’m thinking about him less. And when I do, it’s not quite as painful. Baby steps. Many times, I wanted to message him to expound on what an asshole he is. But I refrained. However, I was on LinkedIn and he popped up as someone I may know. A small punch in the stomach. And so it goes.
TunnelLight,
I know that donkey kick to the gut. ((HUG)) (((BIGGER HUG)))
Another way to stick to NC is to think of this sobering thought: THEY are not researching, reading or hand wringing over how we are feeling or the demise of our relationship. It is a bitter pill to swallow but true. They are not frantically buying books or journaling to soothe us, brainstorming ways to fix our stomped heart. A brutal man friend told me that and it stung but it stuck. As you wrote, it is like punch in the stomach, but it makes me think this: I am wasting this brief life on this….maggot who did not care about my feelings enough to stop a meth whore from posting a photo of them in bed together on FakeBook (FB). This website is a life jacket in a sea of shit because it says that exact sentiment: we have to grieve but we have to move on…Meh. I can’t imagine Meh yet. But time is our friend. I have researched NC so extensively I know it is my only path out of the misery.
I believe being with pathological personalities actually inflicts brain trauma (and have read this as well.) Our brains have to heal, like a broken ankle. Our brain can’t heal if we are having contact with freaks who perhaps have no moral compass. If we could peel back their skulls, it might be a yawning void of blackness, like deep space. The abyss.
SabineSavoy 🙂 Hang in there! I was with / married to satan for 36 years…it takes a while to perfect no contact with these disordered adult children…after a few lapses you will begin to realize that you are ‘pain shopping’…let that sink in for a minute…ok…you will stop contacting him once the room stops spinning and you can get your bearings and you realize that yes, you really do like it when you are not spiraling back down to the hell that has become your life…and yes, it has stopped spinning because you have not heard his voice…’hey babe’…yeah…that shit. Means the world to you…means absolutely nothing to him. You will stop contacting him because you will begin to realize that when you do, the heart pounding agony has once again become your normal…ugh…your world is spiraling down and down again and the fear is batter ramming your brain till coherent thought is impossible. You will begin to realize that contacting him is killing you and is just absolutely nothing to him…unfortunately he is a walking dead thing that cannot experience anything but need…and as long as you will let him…he will feed on you…close the kitchen and take yourself out for a yummy ice cream and a soothing walk in the sun. YOU need to LIVE. Stop contacting him. Do it one second at a time for starters and move on from there…trust me I know it is hard…but I also know it is the best gift you will ever give yourself and those that love you…the gift of you, whole, radiant, happy, filled with joy YOU. Flippin smilin at clouds and lovin the breath in your lungs YOU. 🙂 Go ahead…experience that Sabine 🙂 It is amazing! And majorly addicting!
Practice makes perfect 🙂 We got your back Sister! ((((HUGS))))
Very, very well said Jeep. “Feed on you”… I’m reading (well listening) to a book about an alien race that lives by feeding on the auras of people. Sucking their spirits dry until they die. That’s what those assholes do to us.
Last night I listened to a meditation I downloaded awhile ago from:
http://www.narcissismfree.com/psychic-cord-cutting/
(I swear I’m not in any way associated)
I tend to lean atheist, I believe in science and reason, so spirituality feels a little “woo woo” to me. I’ve been very grateful for my pre-frontal cortex through this whole break-up, helping me to see the insanity of what he was doing to me. However, for the first time last night I listened to the first of the two meditations offered on here. And I was in tears, it was so powerful. All about letting go of the cord that ties you to people who take more than they give.
The audio quality is not great and at first her voice was bugging me, but now I’m really excited to listen to it again.
Sabine, please don’t laugh. Find your local Adult Children of Alcoholics (and other dysfunctional families) [ACA] and start going. Go to as many meetings as you can. Buy the ACA Big Red Book.
12 steps teaches you to self soothe rather than react. It teaches you calm boundaries, and compassion whilst keeping a sense of self. I have no idea how it works, but it does.
Its therapy at a few dollars a meeting. You will come to terms with your addiction to an addict and no longer want your ‘sick abandonment needs’.
I kept sending my ex nice pictures of myself hoping he’d fall in love with me again.. even while he was already living with the OW… :-S I cringe now thinking about it. I did this well into our separation.. I was smiling in the pics, trying to look lovely while he was busy screwing someone else! oh the shame!
Oh, Katy….I did the same thing. ‘look how much fun I’m having with the family….look how nice I look’.
All he said was one answer – looks like you’re having fun.
Well, why did I ever think I’d ever get anything more than that from him?
He had left a long time ago…
Definitely humiliating. argh.
My XH didn’t even bother replying :'(. Or he’d just say ‘hi’ and I would feel like crap.
Yeah Katy, it was the reaching out that was such a hopium toke, only to be rejected once again.
It’s hard to admit they’ve quit us. Quit loving, quit caring.
Fuck em!
We deserve better.
Katy, I left a t shirt for him that had been worn by both me and our son, because he was crying about how much he missed his family.
He washed the t shirt and returned it to our son.
I feel such a fool. They have left us, don’t want our care/love, have stopped loving, stopped caring.
He had me pet sit our dog for 4 days while he took his new girlfriend on a romantic getaway. When he picked up the dog he spent an hour confiding in me about how worried he was that he would never have sex as good as ours again. He first asked if I would be interested in a 3-some with his new girlfriend to ‘show her the ropes’ and then tried to have sex with me until I kicked him out of my home.
I changed his contact info in my phone to “Asshole Dickface” and it shows the photo of the girl he is fucking so that anytime he reaches out I am reminded why I don’t want to talk to him.
What an awesome idea (the picture/phone one)!!!!
It seriously helps!! Every time I see her face pop up, it instantly reminds me that I hate his guts… and hey if I have to leverage my anger to get through the hardest phase of ‘no contact’ I am A-okay with that!! 🙂
Divorcing, I love this idea. I just made a collage of photos of him taken in on a weekly basis at his bar. I paired them with interesting “matches” I remembered from horror stories.
He just looks fatter and older and balding-er and drunker each week. He’s a Baron Harkonnen-level match today. It was surprisingly helpful to do something with my impotent rage that made me laugh at the situation. I think I’ll print it out and leave copies in women’s restrooms. A “preview of coming attractions” kind of public service.
I was so freaked out by an exchange I had earlier today with a detective following up on a report I filed seven months ago that I decided to pop out the wine. I’m two glasses in. It’s working. I’ve got to start laughing at all this shit. It feels so much better than worrying, even if it doesn’t change anything. Thanks for adding the creative spark.
My Ex’s affair partner was tragically killed in a plane crash! I obviously didn’t like the guy, but certainly didn’t wish him dead…some might say it was her Karma and maybe it was IDK.
I dropped everything to babysit her, took time off work, moved back into the family and look after her and our 3 kids for the next few days…she was on suicide watch, tranquillisers etc…on the 4th day she notified me that was back on a dating site!
mickeyblueeys – OMG that’s horrible. She sucks.
‘Horrible’ – It is, ‘She Sucks’ – She does.
If I ever find myself wondering if I was the crazy one in our marriage, I just remind myself of what she did (Amongst 100 over things post D-Day). This simply isn’t the behaviour of a normal, mentally healthy human being.
MEH!