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UBT This Jesus Cheater Please

jesuscaresDear Chump Lady,

So my husband of seven years fed me the fairytale. Everything you would want in a husband he encompassed. He was handsome, loving, supportive, kind, thoughtful, caring — the list could go on. He was also religious, which made me finding his text messages to his girlfriend on Christmas Eve even more fitting. I am also religious and have a deep love for God. After D-day, I took a couple weeks away from him. When I returned, he gave me the standard I can’t live without you speech.

However, he only lasted about 10 days before he left me in the driveway to go on a ski trip with the OW. Driving the new car I had bought him only two days before I found out about the affair. So I packed his things up in trash bags and placed them in storage.

Well, fast forward about a month — when he finds out that I’m going to file divorce papers. He immediately switches from I couldn’t care less, to doing everything I asked for when I first found out. He goes to therapy, gets a new phone number, goes sees our pastor, says he will switch professions (he’s a cop), but most upsetting is he begins to send me long text messages where he prays for me.

He takes the most sacred thing to me and sounds so sincere. How can someone who just broke every vow and covenant to you pretend he is now a saint? Plus, he knows his faith is why I truly feel in love with him in the first place. It messes with my head and makes me think he may be sincere. Help me stand in the actual truth that he sucks! I love God, but I hate he is using my faith to break down my defenses. He still hasn’t taken any responsibility, but has blamed his actions on being stuck in darkness and tempted.

Here is an abbreviated version of one of the many prayers he texts me:

God meet her in the quiet place tonight. Liberate her from the torment of her mind. Turn every tear into a testimony for they are precious in your sight. Shadow her in your unfailing love. God, I plead at the foot of your throne for restoration of her soul and spirit. Cast out all fear and trembling and replace it with your confidence and strength. Let her walk in the fullness of your calling. Deliver unto her unspeakable joy. Show her Your ways and guide her in Your truth. I simply ask You to love on her tonight, in only a way that You can. Amen

I always thank My God as I remember you in my prayers because of your love. I can’t imagine life without you. I Love You so much!! ❤️

Sincerely,

Not This Girl

Dear Not This Girl,

What a holy little mindfuck he is. I think it’s telling that he thinks YOU are the one who needs prayers. He pleads at the throne for the restoration of your SOUL? That’s pretty rich. Projection much? At least you have a soul, which is more than he can say.

How can I resist putting such a Jesus cheater through the Universal Bullshit Translator?

God meet her in the quiet place tonight.

God, shut her up and make her believe my bullshit.

Liberate her from the torment of her mind.

Liberate her from the torment of common sense.

Of course, you could liberate her from me, (I’m a torment), but really, liberate her from the afflictions of self-respect and rationality.

Turn every tear into a testimony for they are precious in your sight.

Tears are precious kibbles. Chumps are precious in my sight, the way they cry and confer importance on me. And buy me cars and ski trips.

Shadow her in your unfailing love.

Shadow her, God, and monitor her comings and goings, for she may divorceth me and rain the hot coals of consequences upon my head, and smite me with lawyers.

God, I plead at the foot of your throne for restoration of her soul and spirit.

God, I plead with you! Restore her chumpiness!

Cast out all fear and trembling and replace it with your confidence and strength.

Cast out all fear and trembling, and replace it with confidence in my bullshit. It is strong. Make her weak.

Let her walk in the fullness of your calling. Deliver unto her unspeakable joy.

Actually, I don’t give a flip about her joy. But a fuckfest ski weekend with my mistress in that new car? Unspeakable joy delivery! With a side of cake!

Show her Your ways and guide her in Your truth.

Your ways and my ways are ONE. I’m a flaming narcissist, so God’s an extension of me.

Whatever I want, God wants. See how that works?

I simply ask You to love on her tonight, in only a way that You can. Amen

God/Me would like to remind you of the way I love on you, in only that way that I can. Remember? Huh, huh? Remember the good times?

God/Me spreads the love around, so don’t take it personally. I’m just generous like that.

I always thank My God as I remember you in my prayers because of your love. I can’t imagine life without you. I Love You so much!! ❤️

I thank me for me. I can’t imagine life without me. I love me so much!

—-

Not This Girl — This guy is just your run-of-the-mill Jesus cheater. “Prayer” for him is just another word for manipulation. Don’t let him take your faith. Keep God and dump the loser. ((Hugs))

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
        • My cheater brought a large Bible to our divorce and sat it on the table in front of him. I guess he thought he would impress the judge with his piety. I don’t think it worked the way he thought it would. He came across as raging jerk and I was awarded very generous alimony. Amen!

          • LOL! The best thing about narcissists is that they don’t exactly realise how other people truly perceive them (cos they are too self centred and self absorbed), which can work in your favour, just like in your case!

      • I wonder if anybody has pointed out that it seems her cheater is likely double-texting? There is almost nothing in this vague nonsense-prayer he sends that he couldn’t also send to the OW. Seems like he doesn’t even say his wife’s name or indicate that he’s talking about his wife who he cheated on at all. I’d guess that’s because he’s lazy and trying to resurrect at least two different relationships w the same dang prayer texts. So keeping it vague lets him send the same prayer texts out to his wife and the OW.

  • I had a Jesus Cheater, too. When we were in counseling with our pastor, when we (I was!) were supposed to be working on our marriage (he was working on divorce behind my back!), my Jesus Cheater would “pray” each morning with me before we went to work. It was one of the things I wanted him to do with me. I was praying to Jesus. I’m not sure who he was praying to. Now, who could it be? Could it be………Satan? My Jesus Cheater even went up to the front of church many times (I went with him a few times), knelt at the altar, got anointed with oil and prayed to (?) whether he should divorce me so he could start a new life with his AP. Well, isn’t THAT special! Just because someone goes to church and prays doesn’t mean that they follow what the Bible says. I know for a fact that the Bible says not to commit adultery and also to “rejoice in your youth.” Not rejoice in as many ho-workers as you can. My Jesus Cheater is an expert with words like Not This Girls, Jesus Cheater. I agree with CL. Dump him and keep God. Trust me that these expert Jesus Cheaters never change!

    • Ah, the ole church lady from SNL. Haven’t thought of that skit in years. Doubt the younger ones get that one. Saw Dana Carvey in concert once a long time ago. Probably the funniest stand-up I have been to. Thanks for the thoughts, sorry about the rest.

      • Church Last was just the cold open on SNL a few weeks ago! Bringing the phrase “isn’t that special” to a whole new generation.

        And LW, even if God forgives this guy, don’t let anyone at church tell you he’s changed and deserves your forgiveness. Every Jesus cheater says the same thing. Forgiveness ≠ lack of consequences. You’re not at fault. Kicking him out doesn’t make you “bitter”. Stay strong! I hope your church community is your rock here. It’s so sad that many women have to divorce their cheater and their churches. : (

        Whatever happens, you can do it, and don’t let anybody get you down.

    • Jesus cheaters who raise their hands, pray in tongues, run ministries and shake when they get prayed for at every given opportunity, yet lie, cheat, deceive, manipulate, project and act as if they are as pure as the driven snow once they finally dump their load of shit at the feet of their unsuspecting chumps, now isn’t that special?

          • Yes, I was nauseous, makes me realize evil does walk the face of the earth. His prayers seem creepy, even threatenin. Doesn’t the bible say something about discerning the fakers, those are the truly evil ones, the ones who pretend to be holy. I mean who could he really be praying to…..Satan? It certainly ain’t any deity Not This Girl knows.

    • No Percival, I detected a bit of bile myself! My Ex used to tell Schmoopie that God was testing them and putting them through rough times so they would know there love was true and would experience true joy once they were together! YUCK! Schmoopie even texted me this nugget, “God has forgiven her and my husband each and every time they committed adultery because God knew they were weak and truly in love.” Really? Please! Yes, all this verbal nonsense is vomit worthy!

        • OW actually compared herself to Mary Magdeline and my X to Jesus. See, he was being “persecuted” and I guess she was the whore who found redemption. You can’t make this stuff up. Recently, a friend sent me a link for a new church OW has joined. I watched it for sheer amusement. She is now interceding on behalf of others. I was not familiar with the term but I understand it to mean you are acting on behalf of a third party and soliciting God to help that person. I was tempted to send an e-mail to the pastor, but decided it wasn’t my circus anymore. The gall of these people. They sin to their hearts content and then presume they are in God’s grace sufficiently to advise Him who is worthy of His attention. Narcissists for Jesus!

          • Wow Violet! And I thought my Ex and his OW were over the top! You are right though, you can’t make this shit up! Most people who haven’t experienced these types of narcissists think we are embellishing our stories and they can think what they would like, but I hope they never have to deal with this kind of crap in their lives.

            • This is all too eerily familiar. My Narcissist Jesus Chester and his Mary Magdeline did try to start a church while he was still married (we were already separated). It fell apart pretty quickly once it became obvious they were a mating pair and he was still married to me. It’s a small town. Those secrets don’t stay secrets long. My cheater ex prays for me too…he and Mary Magdeline are married now.

              This kind of crazy happens in the name of the Lord, but in the end God’s justice will prevail.

          • “Narcissists for Jesus” l’m pretty sure I escaped the local branch when I ended my marriage to the deceptacon. As long as my cheater engaged in all the requirements set out for him by eldership they expected to be able to bring him to full restoration. When I refused to be bullied by their bullshit, I was the one in mortal peril. Within 12 months of confessing to 8 years of a hidden active double life he was allowed back into ministry. Eldership is so proud of their restoration poster child, they even helped him to groome his new victim.

            What is the collective noun for a group of narcissists?

            • Thankful – I find more and more the church is full of narcasistic jack-a-ninnies who all pat themselves on the back for their abilities to save and forgive one another all transgressions ( as long as the money goes on the plate folks ).

              I was married to a Minister who cheated on our marriage with another Minister. Two very public seperations and divorces.

              I expected somebody ( anybody ?!?! ) to see that this was hypocritical within the church, especially with the clergy.

              Nope.

              Can’t say I go to church much any more !

      • It takes a special kind of arrogance and grandiosity for someone to think they can speak for God. How do they know what God thinks?

        • After over a decade of Demon Spawn and I arguing about his porn addiction and habit of watching trashy programs on TV, even with my 11 yr. old Daughter in the room, and learning of his predilection for flirting around with and attempting to / succeeding in bedding down any of the college girls he was working with both at his regular job and his volunteer Fore Fighter gig, I decided to leave him. As soon as I informed him that I had found myself a new place to live and that I would be gone by the weekend, he spent a couple of days tearfully begging me to stay, he can’t live with me, blah, blah, blah. He went so far as to promise to find a new job and claim that he had had a dream in which he had been tempted by Satan and had vanquished him and decided that it meant that he was called by God to ministry and started going to church every Sunday and joining the BOD and becoming a Trustee while being mentored by our Pastor to become a Pastor himself. Being as naive and chumpy as I was, I fell for it and truly believed that he had seen the error of his ways and was serious about becoming a better Husband and person in general.

          After a couple of years of regular church, weekly bible studies and numerous classes he was writing and delivering sermons himself and I thought “This is great, Jesus has shown His power and Grace in helping Demon Spawn turn his life round and become a righteous man. Yeah…I know you are shaking your heads.

          In the meantime, DS found another job but ended up being laid off so had to find another. He did, as the Maintenance Manager in a Nursing/Rehab home. There was DS and 2 other guys working with approx. 70 different women. It was a wet dream come true. So now he’s got everyone believing he’s this great guy who lives for God and at work everyday he is messing around with any RN or CNA he can get alone with in his office or a vacant resident room and from what I learned, pretty much every one of them was more than willing. Sorry, Nurses out there, your profession is a major trigger for me, no offense.

          So DS and our Pastor whom I have renamed Pastor Bastard, are having these private “Bible Studies” once a week which, once I was smart enough to start listening in on, turned out to be bragging sessions for DS to tell PB about his exploits in vivid detail. PB was obviously getting his jollies by living vicariously through DS. Meanwhile at home, I am getting all the typical Narc treatment, the anger, verbal abuse, ILYBINILWU, women are calling in the middle of the night with clogged toilet emergencies and I am told by a woman from church that according to DS, I had better stop being a control freak (the not allowing porn in my home) and get counseling for my “mental imbalance” because DS is planning to divorce me because I am a liar, a fake, etc………. which of course, was news to me. Learning this did explain why everyone in the entire church with the exception of 2 people, all of these devout Christians, turned their backs on me and believed all the lies. The best part though was when PB went around our small rural town and slandered me with gossip full of lies, despite the fact that he KNEW exactly what DS was doing. His way of defending DS’s actions was to say “God wants you to be happy so you need to divorce your wife so you can go be with one of your girlfriends who makes you happy.”

          This is where I grew a set and 1) told DS I wanted a divorce 2) wrote a cease and desist letter to PB regarding the libelous gossip and when he didn’t stop, I contacted his district Superintendent, told him everything including how PB talked DS into resigning from the church so he could cover his own ass. I’m happy to report that Mr. Superintendent looked into the matter very thoroughly and PB was asked for his resignation. DS stopped trying to con GOD by dropping all the fake church stuff and even though I am still stuck with DS (for now) because of my health and financial situation, I have managed to get to Meh in regard to him and he really doesn’t mean much more to me anymore than the guy who carries the heavy stuff and kills the spiders.

          I have PTSD and and am still working on ignoring triggers but for the first time in 25 years (3 years dating, 22 married), I am in the driver’s seat and calling the shots. DS is dancing like his life depends on it and although I don’t really get any pleasure from it. the Karma Bus has roared through and DS has finally been seen for who and what he really is and it has become a very lonely existence for him while I am starting to make some new friends and just joined the local Y for swim therapy for my medical issues including extensive spinal cord and nerve damage.

          I thank God I found CL and CN! Reading here every day has taught me so much and has really helped me overcome my worst self doubt and guilt that what happened was my fault. And for that, I am eternally grateful!

          • My Mom has spinal issues and is married to a cheater (my Dad). I swear it’s a combo of targeting a chump (even just subconsciously) that may have medical issues and being very taxing to those that the cheater lives with.

            I swear I aged about twice as fast with my cheater husband.

    • It scared me, really. For a chump who believed/believes the cheater is sincere in their religion, it might be a terribly effective strategy to keep cake going, probably followed up with a chaser of counseling with a dimwit pastor whose only concern is the marriage, not the abused person in the marriage.

    • Rest assured that severe judgment is awaiting these people….twisting good into evil and all that….is the one unforgivable sin.

      • As my Cheater said to his Slut when setting up the drinks date, “I can’t wait to see you!!!” Well, I CAN’T WAIT until judgement comes to him and his slut.

    • Jesus cheaters are just amazing…. They think that the betrayed spouse with believe that God has magical powers and just make theirs sins be OK. They use God as a cure-all for cleaning up their mess. I see some bad Karma comming their way. They are so selfish and narcotic thinking,hey, if I pray a lot, and God forgives me, then poof! I’m magically off the hook! And how dare you betray God? These narcisists are in the same vein as creepy child molesters that hide behind religion and use it to justify their pedofile fetishes. Think Warren Jeffs, how he prayed with 12 year old girls before he had sex with them? Anyone can pull any phrase out of the Bible and turn it into what they want. I really want to give Not This Girl a jedi hug and massive support. The fact that her Ex-husband sent her his prayers to God proves right there what a complete psychotic fuckwitt lying selfish cheating fucktard little scared boy he is! On a good note, and I’m sure that Not This Girl realizes this by now, that this case is a no-brainer! The fact that he used her for a new car, (what kind of man does that?), and went on a ski vacation with his whore, showing no remorse, (or sending prayers for her soul and spirit), (aren’t souls and spirit’s the same thing by the way?) Shows what kind of selfish fuck he is. Actions really do speak louder than words. Jesus cheaters are known to be elaborate and wordy, they know it helps with the special effects making what they want to say bright, colorful, dripping with metaphors and adjectives, and oh so sparkly!

      A quick story about my dad who is a Jesus cheater. Mr. Christian Bible thumper who claimed to be so devout a Christian, magically fell head over heels in love with another Jesus freak, (who actually is a 4x divorced goldigger in the disguse of a “poor widow”). Yes he claims he was struck by Gods lightning when he met her. It was just so powerful and magical that he, at age 71 lied to his wife of 40 years for over a year and a half. Oh and of course his kids. He had a home business but needed to go to the post office to mail letters quite often throughout the day. One day his poor little conscies just couldnt take it any more, and he decided to relieve himself of his affair. Of course he chose the perfect time when his youngest daughter was about to have a kidney transplant, and his other daughter was 7 months pregnant with twins, and has been on strict bedrest for the last 4 months, and suffering from bad pre-eclampsia, and our mom was taking care of us both. Yes he couldn’t have chosen a better time to relieve HIS poor conscious. He told my mom that it was Gods doing that they met, and he was totally in love with Bonnie the “poor widow” (4x divorced godigging whore). That God had brought them together, and it was his duty to take care of her and her grown children. Hello, both of your own kids are on their deathbeds here and you are cheating on your wife, their only caregiver. Yes these Jesus freaks are a headcase. My mom was blind sighted to say the least. He wanted her to move out of her house that she built and remodeled. When she said no-way, he said, but where will I go? I’ll just have to sleep in my car. (Que big passive aggressive siiiiiigggghhhhh……). It was actually me who put all of his clothes and things and put them in the trash. My mom couldnt do it at the time. My dad told her the next week that on Christmas, he went to a church and laid down in front of the alter and begged for Gods forgiveness. (Self sacrificial lamb of God perhaps?). But my mom saw through that bulshit and rolled her eyes. Then he started writing letters to his kids explaining the affair, and how God made him fall in love with his whore. He quoted many lame Bible verses. He did the same thing, and asked God to forgive US!
      His kids! Like we were the sinners because we are angry and ignoring him and his magical divine right love for this poor widow! It’s complete madness. After 40 years of marriage, my dad fucks over his wife and 4 kids for this woman. Especially at such a crazy time in their lives. He tried counselling but only did Churchy Jesus counseling where they called him on his shit. My mom won’t divorce him for financial reasons, but moved away. He still writes his kids letters about church and Jesus and how we should all go to church and all live in the same house together and help each other out. Yes we are all adults in our 30’s and 40’s. I havchosen to completely ignore him and I dont answer his annoying letters and e-mails. No contact works! Here is the clincher after all of this. My dad wont leave his affair partner. He says it’s his duty to take care of this poor widow. (misogynist much?). And will he move back in with my mother and her and all of us kids so we can all live together as one big happy family? Yes! I’m not lying! This is the truth and he will not let up on the idea. Its complete Jesus freak insanity. He says that he sees the other woman as his sister and that they are not intimate together. That since he is still married to my mom, she, the other woman wont be intimate with him. So he wants to live with his old wife and new whore! Yes, this is why I won’t talk to him, there is no point.

      To chumps, stay away from the Jesus freaks. They are the most scary and will give you the biggest manipulative mindfuck. They are the most selfish ones. Stay away and no contact. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. I hope I can make our fellow chumps have a good laugh. Sadly though it’s the truth.

      • Your co-producer is an absolute asshat. Wow. I feel bad for your family and especially your poor mom. Nobody should be dealing with this crazy.

      • No More Assholes, I actually think I kicked your dad’s ladyfriend out of my apartment, or you have an eerie coincidence happening. Does yours call herself Beloved Reverend Mother, and did she get defrocked in several churches because of her little habit of being “divinely called” to leave her current husband for a current parishioner? Be careful. Not only did this woman try poison my cat, she would dose her son with her thyroid meds to keep him from going out at night. If, by freakish coicidence, this is the same Jesus freak, watch after his health. She will make him sick for her own ends. Woman is a new, improved brand of evil. Do not let her near children.

  • Wow. Just, wow. Luckily, God is even better than CL at seeing through prayer bs. Your ex seems to want to be very controlling of you and God. I think you should let your ex know that while faith is something you find very attractive in a partner, you don’t see him has being very faithful since belief and prayer can’t stand separate from self-reflection and relationship with God and a striving toward right living with God — and he is falling woefully short in those last two and doesn’t seem to be working to change that, just asking God to change how people view it. And it sounds like you are using your faith and staying close to God and letting him help you in right discernment. It was the right thing to do to pack up his stuff — but it could not have been easy and I imagine God was providing the rock beneath your feet every time you carried a trash bag of his crap out of the house. Blessings to you.

    • Thanks Carolyn! Your encouragement means a lot to me. I have filed for divorce and moving forward with rebuilding my life. Still dealing with the shock of how someone could be so manipulative and deceitful.

      • So sorry you are in this terrible situation, Not That Girl. Hugs and genuine prayers are being sent your way. Many of us had Jesus cheaters. It is gut wrenching and mind boggling to find out that they think faith, scripture, and church are only “get out of jail free” cards. To be used cheaply and easily in lieu of consequences. Stay strong. God is faithful. We feel your pain.

        • God doesn’t condone this treatment. I am not saying I can “read the mind of God” like some narcissist. But all throughout his word it doesn’t tolerate treating wives like this. The lying, betrayal etc etc etc.

          When my husband left suddenly when our daughter was 9 months old, I prayed for what to do. Proverbs 5:15 came into my head. I had to look it up. I remember reading “drink from your own cistern.”

      • Oh, Not This Girl, Jesus Cheaters are the worse kind of deceitful and manipulative because they think they have everyone fooled and that God is on their side.

        My Jesus Cheater sat next to me in the choir in front of God and everybody holding my hand singing the praises of God all the while cheating on me .. several times. He’d go to Communion, smile at everyone, kiss me at the Sign of Peace, sing solos (there’s your real Jesus Cheater … all about the “show”). He even had the gall to tell me that he wasn’t committing adultery because she wasn’t married (well, it turns out she was but that was the secret she was withholding from him.) It didn’t matter that he was married. Only mattered if the woman was married. And, he went to Catholic School. Obviously missed that chapter on the Bible.

        Do yourself a favor and dump his sorry butt. Let God hear his prayers because I’m hear to tell you that the God that I serve won’t make any of his prayers come to fruition. You, on the other hand, need to put your faith in God because He will give you beauty for the ashes that your husband has handed you.

        • Wow our cheaters could be twins, mine played keyboard most weekends while I led worship, then he began to lead at our night service. Would often go to other churches at play for special meetings, he even preached a couple of times. Would kiss me at the end of each meeting which would be seen by all as we always sat at the front. Would sit with his hand on my knee, but would avoid all intimacy at home. And the same idea, he had only had a brief affair, the oral sex he had had with numerous others didn’t count because in his mind it was not sex so his adultery was in the past. After d’day he continued to engage in a combined church event but had my involvement ended by going to the committee and telling them I had put him out and we were not able to fulfill our commitment. That didn’t stop him from going to the religious event as a committee member. Because they didn’t need to know what he had done as it was in his past.

        • My Jesus cheater sat in our church holding OW’s hand! With my boys sitting in the pew on the other side of him, while I was at home sick. I still have no idea if any of our fellow congregants knew and didn’t bother to tell me. Needless to say, I dumped both my marriage and my church. I no longer believe in god, but if there is one, or some, there’s gonna need to be a serious reckoning somewhere down the road.

  • My Jesus cheater found Jesus after d day…..with his AP and her children.They blew up two families without even a second of remorse and then both got extremely involved in the church because NOW they are trying to be better people…..ummm…..okay.
    I was never an overly religious person, but I actually think I’m the one Jesus found. He delivered me from that fuckwit and gave me an amazing new life, she got stuck with the cheater……amen.

    • Mine, too. He used to roll his eyes and complain about his Facebook friends posting religious stuff. I also had a good friend who married a minister. Every year, Cheater Ex would make some comment about the Christmas cards her family sent, “well, aren’t they religious.” Um… that’s kinda his job.

      Then he found Jesus with OWhore. Started wearing a huge cross necklace, slapped a religious bumper sticker on his car. WTF-ever. When I read this UBT, my first thought was “OMG (sorry…), that’s exactly how he’s going to mindfuck OWhore when she catches him cheating!”

      • Mine has a ‘Christian’ girl on stand by. The one he worked with and spoke to hours on end day and night on his phone. The one he was at the movies with the day before he messaged me to say he needed God and prayer and salvation and wanted us to see counsellor. So I ask him about her and he says : she would never go out with married man or one that was not a Christian!. Yet she goes out with him and he is not a Christian not is he divorced. He said he keeps his dirty to himself and she keeps her conservativeness to herself. He was at pains to talk about what a prude she was…she can’t even say sex without fear of persecution. The woman is 39. What I can say from their conversations is that she can’t tell that he is training her to keep her expectations low and he really doesn’t give a shit about her either. But I predict that he will find Jesus and marry this girl to make it all look good.

  • Just because they are saying nice words doesn’t mean No Contact isn’t necessary. In fact, maybe it’s even more necessary bc that is some crazy mindfuck right there.

  • ‘Keep God and dump the loser’ – I needed to hear this today. This mess has broken my family and broken me. It doesn’t have to destroy my faith too. Thank-you.

    • Yes, red! I struggled in this way too. Christian counselors were telling me I should stay and so was my family. With people using scriptures like “God hates divorce,” I began to feel very disconnected from my faith. You have to trust the God that you know and not take on everyone else’s manipulative tactics to keep you in the marriage. Get on your knees and pray to God for discernment. When I did that, I could see all the evil things my stbx was doing in the dark. One night, for example, after I started praying and fasting, I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed that he stole my phone and my journal from my room (I kicked him out our bedroom) while I was sleep! Guess what he said– He was praying over it!!! He was praying that I wasn’t using my phone to commit sin! LOL! “Dude, YOU ARE THE CHEATER, not me!!” I asked him if God told him to steal my phone…and he said no, he went about it the wrong way. Pray for discernment and leave!

      • Jeez, JX, praying over your journal and phone. Do these idiots realize how stupid they look? smh

        • Hmm, what is the right word? Horseshit. Praying over them, was he? Couldn’t have prayed the same prayer without secretly snatching up and examining your stuff? Nope, he came “like a thief in the night” because that’s what people like him do.

          • JX, God told him to try to find out how much you knew, how much you suspected, and when. And God told him to see who you might have told. God probably also wanted him to see if you also had a “special friend” to neutralize his bad behavior. So how could you complain? He was doing God’s will!

            I don’t think he was praying at all.

        • Tempest, I don’t believe these cheaters see how ridiculous they are at all. They get stuck in some fantasy romance mode along with all the flimsy “reasons” why they cheat on you with some Ho! My Ex wrote horrible, adolescent poetry to his Schmoopie and had I not been so broken at the time then I would have laughed my ass off at some of the crap he sent her. My young third grade grandson could have done better! My Ex and his Schmoopie got all the “God” invoking emotions into thier emails to each other and thier flowery, almost Shakespearian language of “everlasting love and devotion” in the face of such opposition from their spouses and families! You know the drill, “It just must be meant to be because we are still declaring our Twu wuv for each other through thick and thin” crap! Yuck! I read that shit now and I laugh my ass off! Funny part is that once they were “free” to actually pursue each other and live together, it fell apart in less than four months! Damn that stupid reality!!!!! It just ruined everything!

          • Yesterday someone made a brilliant post about the difference between intimacy and intensity, quoting a passage from Psychology Today. My apologies for not recalling now who did that, but the point is germane here. All that faux prayer, all the declarations of love and soul mate status, all the happy posing on social media is intensity. Not intimacy. I’ll try to look up who made that post yesterday. Brilliant observation and we need to recall it when chumps feel wobbly in the face of this junk.

            • It was me. I have what my therapist calls “my lighthouse” which is something that keeps me grounded in moments when the gas-lighting and disbelief threaten my sanity (and I never questioned my sanity before). My lighthouse, in particular, is composed of a handful of really good quotes poached from a variety of places. It’s posted on my bulletin board so I can refer to it often. It really helps to remind me that no matter how sparkly and fun the stbxh looks, he’s lacking a few of the characteristics that make us human. Here’s one more quote, just for fun.

              …The distinguishing characteristic of the diseases of nonattachment is the incapacity of the person to form human bonds. The life histories of people with such a disease reveal no single significant human relationship. The narrative of their lives reads like a vagrant journey with chance encounters and transient partnerships. Since no partner is valued, any one partner can be exchanged for any other, in the absence of love, there is no pain in loss. Indeed, the other striking characteristic of such people is their impoverished emotional range. There is no joy, no grief, no guilt, and no remorse. In the absence of human ties, a conscience cannot be formed; even the qualities of self-observation and self-criticism fail to develop… Selma Fraiberg

              • wow this is a great quote, Blessing – just added it to my “Lighthouse” (love that term – thanks for that too)

              • Interestingly my cheater is exactly the opposite (on the surface) – her life is filled with friends. But here’s the catch, now I am realizing she only keeps close the friends who accept her bullshit rationalizations and who nodded sympathetically as she cavorted (on my dime) with an un-employed alcoholic with an opiate pain-killer addiction because he was able to ‘connect’ with her like I couldn’t. Since I don’t drink to excess or take mass quantities of pain-killers I have to admit I’m not able to connect the same way he can. For that I thank any deity who will listen. Of course since he was un-employed he also had a lot of free time to text and call her which I don’t because I actually work for a living and take care of the kids A LOT. The proverbial ‘match made in heaven’. Her friends (and partners) are valued, but only to the extent they support her entitlement to cake.

              • Ditto. My first therapist said people like my xW cannot feel real love like we do. They understand intensity and figure that must be love because it stirs them. I almost feel sorry for them, but then I wake up and put down the hopium pipe. 🙂

              • Blessingindesguise, omg, I got chills down my spine as I read that quote. Especially the part where it says in the absence of human connections, a conscience cannot be formed. Wow. It explains a lot actually for some of the sociopaths I’ve encountered in my life. I’ve copied and pasted the quote, it’s so good and thank you so much for sharing!!

              • Yes, I am very familiar with the “emotional range of a teaspoon” problem. Thanks for your insightful quote gathering!

      • “Get on your knees and pray to God for discernment. When I did that, I could see all the evil things my stbx was doing in the dark.”

        The same with me @JX. It was like a picture developed right before my eyes,

  • Sweet Lord Jesus this shit is FUNNY. I believe He is working thro you today CL. Simply inspired. Xx

  • The Limited found a HOLE(y) one who approached me numerous times taunting ME for years and then went on to tell me she was a Christian woman who wanted to make peace with ME.

    Well the devil comes in many forms. The limited as many narcs believe they are GOD. Regardless of what they hide behind, actions tell the truth.

    Using religion to adjust the mask?
    Bless you, I’m getting a diviorce works.

  • I’m getting daily prayers from my narcissistic soon to be ex-husband. He prays for me and sends me light and love so that I can find the things in life that will truly make me happy. Its so sweet of him to do really, I should be more thankful to have someone like that in my life!! [hope you note the sarcasm here]

      • If only it were that easy! I would get some lengthy text about how I need to be more compassionate and open up my heart to God’s messages. Because, you know, God speaks directly through narcissists only.

        • Bahahahaha! God speaks directly thru narcissists only. X has/had a disturbing website advertising, I kid you not, “Christian Affairs.” God ruined his life, you see. He’s getting revenge. Hell to pay, so to speaketh. How fucked up is he?

          • This is very interesting as when I was “happily” married, my ex would matter-of-factly say things like “I just had a conversation with God” which I would find quite shocking, like his arrogance was deeply shocking to me. And then I felt bad… Maybe he actually was talking to God and I was a non believer.

        • DivorcingNarcissistblog, the funny part to us and confusing part to him is that he really does think he’s fucking awesome to send you that shit, and you should be more compassionate and thankful for him ( please note MY sarcasm here)
          He’s an idiot.

      • or, instead of a blessing he’s just a lesson. Remember that bumper-sticker: Jesus is coming, and boy is he pissed!

  • I think you could sincerely ask that every word of Mr. God’s prayer be answered. The answer will probably be quite a bit different from what Mr. God had in mind, though.

    • Yes! Re-read his prayer in the context of finding the strength to leave the cheater…I hope THAT prayer is answered!

    • His prayers were answered. I filed for divorce, going to therapy, and I’m starting to rebuild the pieces of my life. However, as all of us can attest- it is difficult when you have been midnfucked for seven years of marriage ( together for 12). This website and you MIGHTY chumps have given me strength on so many days when I wanted to believe he was a unicorn.

      • NotThisGirl, I always try to remember that God will not only put people in your life to enrich your joy, but God will also remove people from your life to protect you. It may seem unfair, devastating and heartbreaking when awful things happen, but as a Christian if you truly believe God has already planned your life then you know he may take something or someone out of the big picture, but if you are faithful God will bring something better into your life. Just be patient and believe that you and God know you deserve better. I know it hurts. My marriage was nearly 42 years and imploded due to his infidelity. I filed for divorce much to my dismay and religious upbringing. I also got tons of guilt and criticism from my own kids, but I triumphed in the divorce and my family finally came around and realized I did the right thing.I thought my life was over and wasted, but it will get better.

        • Thanks for sharing Roberta! I am believing that like you said God has removed him from my life to protect me. But I certainly loved him beyond measure. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t tell him how thankful I was for him. I truly believed he was the answer to my prayers. I was more in love with him than when we first married. However, the more I look back over our relationship, there were clues to his hidden life. I just don’t think they were big enough for me to want to walk away. Again, thanks for being such a light and encouragement to me. It’s nice to hear that you can come out on the other side, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and my better days are ahead of me. Work through the pain!!

          • Better days are certainly ahead of you. So keep doing what you’re doing, and protect yourself. Cheaters have a nasty habit of circling back around for seconds. No is the correct answer.

            • NotThisGirl, Survivor is bang on! He WILL circle back around and tell you he has made a huge mistake. Mine has and I have decided to let him keep circling and OWN his mistake! I gave him so many chances and he just crapped on me! Once Schmoopie dumped him then he was really sorry (no kibbles)! Sociopaths always keep you in thier Rolodex. Be wary!

        • “I always try to remember that God will not only put people in your life to enrich your joy, but God will also remove people from your life to protect you. It may seem unfair, devastating and heartbreaking when awful things happen, but as a Christian if you truly believe God has already planned your life then you know he may take something or someone out of the big picture, but if you are faithful God will bring something better into your life.”

          Thank you Roberta. I always take such solace and pleasure from reading your posts and I really needed that little reminder today about our time and God’s time. Even though the light may dim because it is far off right now, we can take encouragement because there is a light and we are moving toward it.

  • God permits divorce in only two situations; adultery is one. My Jesus-cheater XW said it was God that made her finally say these [blaming] words to me. She also said I was sinning when I took communion before forgiving her. Right. Yet when the pastor told her that continuing to see the OM was a sin, she replied that she didn’t care. Oh, and take communion in the morning and blowing the OM in the afternoon is just fine according to her. Got it.

    Church and religion is just another cover, another mask that these idiots wear.

    • My wife was a serial cheater for the vast majority of our 20-year marriage. She sat in church with her husband and kids on Sunday, and was screwing her bosses on Monday. I still cannot understand how she could justify that, but maybe it’s like CL says, “Whatever I want, God wants.”

      Anyway, she wants me to know she’s praying for me – “so at least I got that goin for me.”

  • My first cheater /abusing husband used the God card on me, I was going to hell if i didn’t forgive him as he had seen the light. He was very concerned about my soul, yes I’m on my second, when will you ever learn rings very loud in my head.

    I’m an atheist so it was the one and only mind game that didn’t work on me. What I am sure of is if there is a God he doesn’t want this for you, and one day your husband will have to answer for all the things he has done and is doing. You have a soul and know how to behave you don’t need any help or lessons from your husband.

    Don’t let him taint your faith, what happens between you and your God is yours and he has no place there.

    • Hi Pauline,
      I too am an atheist with a religious cheater. I know the problem is with their characters. Choosing to do the right thing is an internal decision that should be enhanced by religious belief. I feel bad for all the chumps who have their faith shaken by their abusers. I hope they realise that they weren’t true Christians to begin with. Cheaters are just entitled cowards.

    • Thanks Pauline, I am taking strength from your words! “What I am sure of is if there is a God he doesn’t want this for you, and one day your husband will have to answer for all the things he has done and is doing. You have a soul and know how to behave you don’t need any help or lessons from your husband”

  • The whole prayer lacks a sense and awareness that HE created this heartache. It is a deliberate decision to take a ski trip with the OW. It is not a general clamity. He made this mess. Yes, this comes across as a way for him to manipulate. Perhaps tell him to stop sending text prayers. If he is sincere, God will hear him in his “prayer closet.” If he doesn’t stop, then you have further evidence that the prayers are just an extension of his manipulation game.

    • Yes, doesn’t the Bible tell people not to pray loudly in public, as in drawing attention to themselves?

    • Yes, his entire prayer is just a sideways attempt to show how benevolent he is. The fact that he made sure you knew about it shows that. It’s insulting to you and God, bringing God’s name into for his own gain. If he was genuine and filled with Godly sorrow he would approach you differently.

    • That is one of the most frustrating parts! He has taken ZERO responsibility for the torment, devastation, and pain he has caused me. It is as if all is forgiven because he is a Christian. I love God and for me true repentance is when you change your ways. Since I have filed for divorce, he has gone back to the OW. He is now living with her part-time and going on vacations together. Thankfully, I got a lawyer, filed for divorce, and I’m doing everything I can to make it out of this pain and nightmare.

    • Surely these prayers border on harassment. The Devil is a liar. Those ain’t prayers for your good. Those are curses.

  • “She may divorceth me and rain the hot coals of consequences upon my head”… LOL, I love your writing, Tracy! I’m on chapter 4 of “leave a cheater, gain a life”, really leaning on these resources as I broke NC and had coffee with him after he showed up at a running club he said I could have (he promised not to come anymore) over the weekend. More gas lighting ensued. It wasn’t a “take me back” talk, but he wanted to “give me closure”, of which I got none because he just lies and lies and lies.

    • And he lied about not coming to the running club. So right there you know he hasn’t changed. If you see him coming, cross the street. He’s begging for kibbles.

  • There’s something extra creepy about a cheater delivering a prayer like this. For some reason, makes me think of a serial killer giving a benediction as he’s murdering someone.

        • Nah – It’s more like “Ricky Bobby – Talledega Nights”: “Dear Lord, baby Jesus, all cute and cuddly” please make my wife bestoweth more kibbles upon thy heavenly self.”

        • Ha! Yes! I had completely forgotten about that Pulp Fiction scene but apparently it was lurking in my subconscious.

    • I had the same reaction. You maliciously carve the heart out of a person that loves you, then you want them to know you are praying for them to heal. Its creepy, and I don’t want them praying for me. If they do, I don’t want to know about it. Telling you is just manipulation, and an attempt at damage control.

      They could show genuine remorse and concern for our healing by telling the whole truth about what you did, and agreeing to a fair divorce settlement. My EW did neither, but she wants me to know she is praying for me. Such a fraud of a person.

      • Thanks JK! You’re right- he did maliciously carve out my heart and tried relentlessly to manipulate me. Your ew-wife and my soon to be ex-husband are both frauds and liars! Thankfully, I have support of family & friends, plus this website to help me see through the bullshit! Hope you find your “meh”!

    • It reminds me of a text I received from ex on what would have been our 26th anniversary. Said he was thinking about me and that he prayed I was happy with Nice Guy and that he prayed Nice Guy treated me well and we were truly blessed and happy together. Creepy and weird.

      • What a jerk, Gladit’sover. That is creepy and weird. Reminds me of my predator STBXH who “remembers” ex-ho-workers (females only of course!) birthdays and sends them a Happy Birthday message each year. It’s like they just can’t let ANY women they are the least bit interested in go. Even an ex!

  • Oh yes. Mind fuck at its best. I had one of these too. We did pre marital bible studies together, we went to church on a regular basis. He was a social worker who helped adults with disabilities. Great person on the surface, but huge problems with integrity and fidelity. It’s the worst when they use your faith – the most important thing to you and try to manipulate you with it. I still pray for him and hope he turns things around I’ve forgiven him, but the marriage is done. Too much mind fuck and trust issues for me. I’m out. Even with two kids 5 and 2. If it was up to me I’d just never see him again but we do have to coparent. When someone twists you that bad all you want to do is RUN the longer you’ve been away and have time to realize how messed up he is.

    • These types of guys are so dangerous. They make you think they are the ultimate good guys. My soon to be ex is still walking around like he is Captain America. What is worse- is his job as a police office allows him to continue to feel superior and good about himself. After D-Day, when I was still believing in unicorns, I met him for lunch to bring him a change of clothes for church. As we are sitting down, he spots two little kids eating with their Dad. He proceeds to walk over and hands them stickers and literally pats them on the head. It was so disgusting- here he was treating me like trash, and unbeknownst to me still seeing the OW and yet he felt compelled to look like a fucking domestic HERO!! I called him out right there and said, ” that makes you feel like a celebrity or something”. Your social worker ex-husband and my ex cheating- cop both see themselves as people of great morality and values. They truly are disordered. However, coming to that truth is soooooo painful and devastating. Glad you made the decision to leave- I know its beyond difficult.

      • My ex is a firefighter/ paramedic…..same thing.
        He can save a life with those hands, and dismantle the lives of the people that loved and trusted him and not even look back.
        Asshole….
        But, that job is nothing but s never ending kibble dispenser. Good luck to the AP, she’s gonna need it.

  • God, I plead at the foot of your throne…

    Not This Girl, please make your cheater plead at the foot of the family court judge’s bench and hope that the judge gives him no mercy. You are strong. Go file and take him to the cleaners.

  • Hilarious as usual, CL!

    “Shadow her, God, and monitor her comings and goings, for she may divorceth me and rain the hot coals of consequences upon my head, and smite me with lawyers.”

    Heh heh heh heh heh. I can’t wait to smite The Entitled One with lawyers.

    And this: “God/Me would like to remind you of the way I love on you, in only that way that I can. Remember? Huh, huh? Remember the good times?”

    That line in his “prayer” was creepily sexual. God/Me totally captures it.

  • Not This Girl – take his prayer and change the pronouns. Change “she” and “her” to “me”, to “my” and “I”. Say that prayer for yourself as you leave this hypocrite in your dust. He is not the man you thought you married. When you waiver, remember with clarity how you felt standing in the driveway while he left you there to go be with another woman.

    Sicker still, he’s hiding behind god’s robes and is using YOUR faith to manipulate you. Like he’s on god’s team now. Where was his faith when he was schtooping the whore at a ski resort? Let me guess: SATAN got hold of him! Satan the scapegoat! You are a believer so believe that there is a special place in hell for people who use god for their greed.

    • “He is not the man I thought I married!!” Isn’t that the truth!! The fucking kick in the pants. You nailed it. Thank you for your words- when I waiver I will go back to that day standing in the driveway. I will never forget that feeling!

      • It’s really jarring to realize that the person you love was never the person you thought they were. But deceitful people are very good at what they do. And using the new car you gave him to impress an OW should be all you need to trust he sucks.

        • I can’t agree with you more! So many times I said to him, “WHO ARE YOU?” Believe or not, but one time he said, “I don’t know.” SCARY!!! One things for sure: He’s a great liar!

          • Martha- my ex said the same thing when I asked him who he was. He just looked at me with a blank stare and said “He didn’t know”.

  • Girl, all I want you do to is BELIEVE THEY HE SUCKS!! I have a Jesus cheater too! He sends me long emails telling me all this Biblical stuff he is learning and how he’s grown. If you were friends with him, you would think that he plays golf with Paul in he mornings and sups with Jesus every night. Like you, I fell in love with him (we were married 11 years) because he was so nice and so godly! When I found out about his 14 month affair, which the OW’s husband had already ended, he got reBAPTIZED!!! He started everything to try to keep me. I stayed for 6 months and then separated. I advise any chump who cannot bring herself to believe truly that he sucks to just separate. Not only will you gain clarity in your thinking and peace of mind, but it will also help you legally if you decide to divorce. Separating gave me the distance I needed watch his behaviors and see that they weren’t godly, even in the midst of his long, Biblical emails and texts, professing his Agape love for me. I believe if you give it time, the cheater will show his satanic spirit, loud and clear. He will want to explain away bad behaviors, which is why you must go no contact. You MUST!!! Don’t worry about the words of the cheater. Our first counselor told me right in front of him, “WATCH HIS BEHAVIORS CAREFULLY [during six months she asked me to stay] AND EVERYDAY DECIDE IF THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.”

    • I read your post to my Mom because it was so funny! hahaha ” You would think he plays golf with Paul”. I am still laughing. Thanks for brightening my day. Also- you are right about watching his actions. Once I filed for divorce and went no contact- he is back together with the OW ( living with her and taking trips).

  • You say: Amen and thank you for your prayers. God has answered them all and MORE! He has given me the freedom and peace to divorce your sorry ass. Walk in peace, brother. Walk (far, far away from me) in peace.

    You can forgive someone, and still decide to have nothing more to do with them. Thank you, Lord!

    Hang strong, Sister Friend!

  • Words from him. Nothing but words, not worth the paper they are written on…. wait it was a text, that makes them worth .00. Or less. His actions speak for him. He can not hide from God or himself. You might want to block him, he offers nothing in remorse, repentance.

  • Buhwah haha! I fucking HATE Jesus cheaters. Those asshole who hide behind the tenants of their faith (the rectum of wonder, bible spouting, MOW in my case).

    Block this idiot, Not This Girl.

  • NTG, the thing that stood out to me was the end of your letter. He hasn’t yet taken true responsibility. That is the keystone of the entire situation. As a police officer, he has likely even had specific training around issues of accountability. If he of all people isn’t being fully accountable, he’s showing you that he isn’t sincerely motivated to do the work that’s necessary to offer you a trustworthy partner.

    For a long time I felt twisted up about whether my ex “really loved” me. In the end, I decided that he might really love me the best way he knows how, and that is why he seemed so sincere, but his way of loving me was poisoning my life. Whether he really loved me or not wasn’t the issue. His sincerity wasn’t the issue. His behavior was the issue, and his behavior simply didn’t fit into my definition of a monogamous, healthy marriage.

    Strength to you.

  • I’m sorry that this happened to you; stay connected to this blog and get into the archives. I bought and read the book too.
    I think whether you believe your Cheater is personality disordered or not the thing to remember is that they hide their true selves from us and don’t bare themselves before us.

    Vulnerability is a struggle for them.

  • My ex was also a Jesus cheater. Actually he was really just a sociopath in Christian clothing. He once told me God told him it was the right thing to do to leave his wife and child and go be with the OW. The sad part about this was it was a Christian reconciliation website that did the most damage to me. I “stood” for my marriage for over a year, believing the bs that he was in the fog and I could pray him back. Landed me in the hospital. When I got well enough is when I found CL and Chump Nation. Needless to say, I’m much better now divorced from the crazy! “BE HEALED!”

    • Sociopath in Christian clothing, YES!! My ex wrote that God sent him the OW to cure him from his gay desires.

    • “Sociopath in Christian clothing”. My STBXH used to LICK THE TEARS OFF MY FACE LIKE A DOG when I would cry. I mentioned this to my sister after D-Day and the first thing out of her mouth was “sociopath.” Both of my counselors and psychiatrist (med doctor) were like, eeeew and “somethings not right with him” when I mentioned the tear licking. I couldn’t agree more!

  • Wow. No words. I had one of those too. I have a strong stomach or i wouldn’t be able to keep my luch down. What a shit head! I hope she runs and never looks back. She should leave her church too. They will want nothing but reconciliation! And that will bring tremendous guilt and spiritual abuse.

    • You are so right, Heather. So much reconciliation nonsense can bring tremendous guilt and spiritual abuse. The whole healing process can take that much longer. My faith and relationship with God has been damaged because of it. Skip right to the divorce. Jesus Himself said of divorce – except for martial infidelity. It’s there for a reason. God knew the devastation adultery would cause. IMO.

    • Some churches and pastors deal very realistically with adultery and judging people by their behaviour. She may be able to keep her church and drop the husband. But hopefully even if her church is also manipulative, telling her she has to stay, she can keep her faith strong.

      • I belong to a conservative Southern Baptist church, and have been surprised at how supportive the pastor and other members have been to me. I have also seen a Christian counselor, who herself divorced her cheating husband years ago and remarried.

  • Not religious at all but cheater did tell me not to “torment” myself by asking questions or dwelling on OW.You see it wasn’t what he had done that was a cause of torment to me,it was my reaction apparently.Too many bothersome questions,too much searching for the truth.
    The devil can cite scripture for his purpose NTG.

  • My mouth was hanging open by the end of that “prayer”. What a hide! Isn’t he afraid to mock God like that?

    Definitely smite him with a divorce lawyer.

  • Prayers, church, and bible study I too have seen it all. We forget that Satan’s minions also attend church and he knows scripture better than we do. I agree with the others, God calls us to live in peace. He has provided you with recourse to divorce a non-repentant cheater and God would not want you to be ignorant about what’s happening in your life.
    The scriptures also talk about men who manipulate women. Keep your faith. It never ceases to amaze me when people use God to do evil. His reaping will be extraordinary. The only ingredient that’s missing is illness.

  • Wait wait wait, so the problem is with your doubt and your soul and your fear, not his cheating? You’re damaged and he’s what? The best Christian ever?

    I have an idea for a return text, “God, please keep his penis in his pants tonight. Please help him remember that there was nothing in the wedding vows about ‘forsaking all others unless those others have a really nice rack.’ Please remove his lust and his selfishness and replace them with the emotional maturity of someone more three years old. Deliver unto him in an unending prescription for herpes medication. Remove the scales from his eyes and let him see that actions have consequences. Take the gaping wound in his soul and fill it with whatever balm that will keep him seeking out validation through his genitals. Please remind him that I had a close relationship with you before he betrayed me, I’ll continue to have a close relationship with you after he betrayed me, and I DON’T NEED HIM TO TRY TO INTERVENE ON MY BEHALF WITH YOU. And help him find peace in the solitude, because I am leaving him behind and never thinking about him again. Amen.”

  • I’m an anthropologist, and I will suggest that he knows how to fit in within the culture of your church, but his actions demonstrate that he does not *practice* your faith. As a church outsider, I have often observed that various traditions of Christianity have their own distinct language. He is speaking that language to you as a tool because he is not succeeding in his manipulation through the language of normal people. (Normal = non-cheaters.) In other words, being able to talk the talk does not mean he will walk the walk.

    I also echo Chump Lady’s observation that his text “prayers” are all about how you’re broken, and not about how he is broken. Has he sent you any prayers that ask for his own redemption? For forgiveness for the damage he’s done? For his weakness? For his lies? Has he asked God to fill his heart with truth and love rather than lust and deception? (Those would probably still be bullshit, but at least it wouldn’t be the subtle blameshift he’s giving you now.)

    As an aside, I’m not especially religious, but c’mon, he’s texting prayers? God answers texts? If he was authentic in his prayers, he would PRAY. He’s texting you his prayers because he wants credit for them. That’s about as inauthentic and disingenuous as it gets.

    • 100% this! Jesus Cheaters use religious language to manipulate Christian spouses. I know because mine was a Jesus Cheater too. In our FIRST meeting with our pastor, Cheater used 80% of the time to talk about how concerned he was for my soul because I wasn’t forgiving him immediately. When I asked him how he planned to provide stability for his family when he lost the house in foreclosure due to his shenanigans, he said, “Well, I guess I have more faith than you do that God will provide.” Oh, really? Faith that God will just give you whatever you want even when you are lying and cheating? What kind of bullshit faith is that?

      But yeah, Jesus Cheaters LOVE to portray you as broken, and they love to “pray for you.” It makes them look all righteous and holy. And if you don’t want to be prayed for by them… well, that makes you look bad, doesn’t it? Then they can go around to other people and cry, “She won’t even PRAY with me!”

      If he wants to pray, he doesn’t need to text it. He’s showing off and manipulating you. Tell him that God says He doesn’t hear the prayers or receive the offerings of a man who deals treacherously with his wife (Malachi 2:13-15).

    • I love it when we get these insights from our experts here at CN. Free Vixen, that’s a brilliant observation about how someone can “fit into the culture of your church, but his actions demonstrate that he does not ‘practice’ your faith.”

      So here, again, we see how important it is to look at what people do, not what they say. The power of a con artist is the power that Free Vixen describes: to fit into a culture using words and other image management techniques. But actions always tell the story.

    • “I’m an anthropologist, and I will suggest that he knows how to fit in within the culture of your church, but his actions demonstrate that he does not *practice* your faith. As a church outsider, I have often observed that various traditions of Christianity have their own distinct language. He is speaking that language to you as a tool because he is not succeeding in his manipulation through the language of normal people. (Normal = non-cheaters.) In other words, being able to talk the talk does not mean he will walk the walk.”

      Free Vixen – this really struck me. What a brilliant insight. I’ve seen this not just with Jesus Cheaters, but with the divorce group I joined. I live in kind of a hipster, liberal town, so the language in the divorce group is very psychological, New Age-y, Buddhist, etc. And there are a couple of guys using that language to offer a kind of faux emotional support to the vulnerable women in the group, to create a false sense of intimacy, and to hook up wherever they can. It’s sickening.

      • I’ve seen the same dynamic occur in “Parents Without Partners” as well as “AA”; there’s always a predator who thinks only of himself.

  • Wow, that’s awful. All, “Lord, manipulate her to do what I want; let her think it’s for her own good; let her think that she’s the one in the wrong” and zero “fix my wrong heart and head and find the best path for her, which I hope is with me.” This man does not have LW’s best interest at heart and I wouldn’t be surprised if he never did.

  • Mine told me at BD that He had made his decision, he was going to get a Catholic annulment of our 30 year marriage. When I guffawed, I asked HOW was this possible?

    He replied “I researched it and have my solution.” THEN he asked me to “go along with it.”, because it would only benefit ME to do so.
    I’m SURE his reasons claimed “abuse” by me…..

    (LYING to a tribunal? Including a Priest?) Do I LOOK like I want to get fried with a lighting bolt in the parking lot of the church??????

    • How exactly would that benefit you? An annulment places the parties in the position they would be had they never married. So, unless you made heaps of money and had a fabulous retirement plan on your own, it would probably benefit him more than you. Sometimes, finances are a bigger motivator than faith in choosing that route.

  • Not This Girl: What he’s doing is very typical, with a Christian twist. They want their “freedom” and orgasms, and even relish your pain (or, at best, are indifferent to it). But…..let you take the reigns, and they are all over wreckonciliation and arguing forgiveness like a vampire bat on a cow.

    Mine did the same thing–tepid attempts to woo me back to the marriage, interspersed with downright cruelty. But that first message to him that I wanted a divorce….weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. He’ll go to a therapy appointment! I can’t tell him over the phone about a divorce. I assent to the therapy appointment; he now thinks he has power, and send me a missive telling me what *I* need to fix for him to go to therapy. Boom–I say divorce instead. Weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth–he makes the therapy appointment. I go, and he behaves like a total, non-repentant arrogant ass. But now he thinks he’s in like Flynn because I consent to a second appointment. Then he claims HE wants the divorce. I’d had enough at that point, and filed 9 a.m. the next business day. More weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth–no, he’d written me a NOTE! And we should have decided together!!!

    It was a fascinating snapshot into the narc mind–they ALWAYS have to be in power. Always. If they are not, they will pull one of the charm, pity, rage channels to “win” you back, and then exert their power again. Always.

    Run, Not This Girl. Run.

  • That’s why I am an atheist, can’t take all the bullshit at all. The OW actually told my H that God sent her a massage saying my H and her should be together.

    • If there were a god, shouldn’t those low life scums be punished already?! Don’t tell me “God works his mysterious ways”, it’s not even funny!

      • Sadface, bad people will use anything they can in order to get what they want. Using God is sometimes the easiest method because the act of forgiveness and love is so prevalent in the teachings of Christianity. They use religion as a weapon against chumps who have a belief in God and frequently, quite effectively get back into chumps’ graces.

        I can write you a check for a million dollars and not have money in my bank account the same way the OW can say “God” sent her a message. It’s an empty lie in order to make you believe something that in reality, does not exist.

        God wants honesty and harmony in the family, not distress.

        It is never a bad thing for truth to be discovered. Living in truth is a good thing. What is bad is living a lie. The scum are punished just by their mere existence. Phoebe Snow said it best in a song: Sleep is relief for men with no feelings.

        Peace be with you, Sadface. I promise you will reach meh and life will reveal its beauty to you. As for your cheater, he is lost.

    • Same here. Despite the fact that X and I had been together for 30 years and had 4 children together (and OW was married with children), the Lord wanted the two of them to be together. But at the same time, the two of them would pray for “healing” in my marriage! It was totally insane but since I was a “non-believer”, I was not capable of understanding the mysteries of “our Lord.” It was truly crazy making, until I realized it was all a hoax, designed to ensure maximum attention (kibbles). The hypocrisy passes all human understanding…

  • Not this girl – That could be a boilerplate text he could have just as easily sent the OW. There’s nothing specific about you- his wife – in the text and I’m not buying it. And nothing in there is praying to for him to change his cheating ways. Yes, religion is a nice value to have, but losing all rational form of thought is another. And why are you buying him a car? He should buy it for himself with his own money, which he is obviously spending on the OW. Can’t hold his own financially, wants to change careers, can’t keep his dick in his pants, and abandons you to spend time with the OW. What a saint, he should be canonized. LOSER.

  • Dear NTG –

    In the early days, Mr. Sparkles came to church with me even though he was a “fallen Catholic”. (I’m a Lutheran.)

    He went on to use a picture from our son’s baptism day in a reply email to a personal ad indicating he was a Bi MWM looking for a couple to get together with on a regular basis. Nice, eh?

    He stopped going to church with me for YEARS. I didn’t mind because I went with my Mom and my son and it was “my time.”

    When my mother unexpectedly passed away, I mentioned to him how lonely it was for me to sit without my Mom at church. He never offered to go.

    A month before our last D-day, he came to church with me twice… and it made me crazy. He wasn’t there for God. He was there so he could tell everyone, “I even went to church with her, but she did nothing to save our marriage.”

    He now goes to Catholic mass weekly with the OW and her kids. I think he’s fighting the adultery cause of action so hard because they won’t be able to marry in the Catholic church with it.

    For me, my God/my faith is not a bargaining chip. It shouldn’t be for you either. Keep your faith and kick his ass to the curb. God has redeemed you from this man, give him your praise and thanks for loving you so much (even if it hurts right now.)

    God just pushed you out of the way of a bullet.

    • “God just pushed you out of the way of a bullet.”

      I like the way you put that. I used to tell people I wasn’t rejected, I was chosen. God chose to get me out of an impossible situation.

      • I like that too. Sometimes I get stuck in the mental loop of how I got dumped and rejected and lost the man I thought was the love of my life (even though I was in love with a mirage).

        How wonderful to think instead, “God pushed me out of the way of a bullet.” God saved me from a one-sided, abusive, soul-crushing marriage.

        That’s my new mental loop.

    • Thank you for your words of truth and encouragement! You are right it hurts so much. Some days the pain seems endless, but I think I was spared and did dodge a bullet. I wanted to start a family this year and obviously divorcing him will prevent that from happening.

      • NTG, as many here can tell you, it is a blessing if you don’t breed with someone who has chosen to mistreat you.

      • Being spared the pain of losing your kids half the time to a fuckwit is definitely a blessing. Here’s to a better future for you!

      • Thank God you don’t have kids with him! It’s torture one day to have your kids “leave” to go to dads for the weekend. The first weekend they left, I cried the entire weekend, didn’t shower, didn’t get dressed and didn’t leave my home.

      • NTG – yes, the pain is horrendous, and the recovery from his despicable actions will be long… But way easier and faster than if you had bred with him. Go NC, focus on you, divorcing a fuckwit takes a lot of strength, keep forging on!

  • Oh wow, this reminds me of how my ex, who could hardly step foot in church, started texting bible verses to me and the kids after D-day. He ruined Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” for me, since he used it in the email he sent right after crushing my soul. I interpreted his use of that scripture to mean, “I don’t know why I’m destroying my family, so it must be God’s idea.”

    Later on I discovered a file on his old computer that talked all about how he was madly in love with his married coworker and “planting seeds to break up her marriage…as long as it takes!” At the top of the first page he wrote “This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it.” A little later he wrote, “I don’t have to follow society’s rules, I can follow my own rules.

    I agree with CL, these people confuse God with their own egos.

    • This just reminded me of something Mr. Sparkles did… 6 years after he walked out on his first wife, he still had a reminder in his calendar to call her on “their wedding anniversary”… because “she’ll be sad and thinking of you”…

      These Cluster Bs are all friggin’ nuts. Satan can have them.

  • Im not a believer i was once but no more. However it does piss me off the way some people use god to justify bad behavior. How dare they use the divine for their wrong doings. However chump ladys ubt respomse had me im stitches snorting my coffee while petting my male pup. He got coffee all over him. He loved it!

  • In my book I quoted Frederick Douglass (former slave, abolitionist, orator) — which I think is the most beautiful thing ever written about God and prayer:

    “I prayed for 20 years,
    but received no answer
    until I prayed with my legs.”

    Not this Girl — PRAY WITH YOUR LEGS. Get the HELL away from this creep!

  • The cheater that I used to know used my religious beliefs against me by acting all sorry and turning to God. It worked the first time. The second time he came home and told me how he was reading the Bible on his phone and didn’t I want to see what he was reading. I told him to stop. That’s not going to work this time. I never heard about it again. It was very eye opening to see the manipulation in real time and to be able to see where he had used it before. The damage these people do with the mind games is totally unbelievable if it hadn’t of happened to me. His good guy persona to this day sometimes makes me doubt myself and that why I’m NC.

  • He certainly speaks “Christianese” but by his actions it would seem he’s something else. Only God knows. Though if this is the sort of communication you’re getting from him after threatening divorce, then it would seem there is no repentance on his part since he is looking outward instead of inward for change. If he knows his Word, he may start throwing verses at you like Malachi 2:16 and all sorts of verses about forgiveness. Don’t fall for this. Even Satan knew his scripture. Godly forgiveness is very conditional and that condition is repentance. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I say this because right after D-day, my church counselors threw these misinterpretations at me. It served to further confuse and hurt me. I didn’t know how to react at the time but after studying what the Bible says about forgiveness, repentance, adultery and divorce for the last year, I know they were wrong.

    A person (or on this blog a unicorn) who is truly repentant will stop the adultery, try to make amends anyway possible, knowing that they are not entitled to forgiveness or deserve to have the relationship restored. The damage is done. Though they will try. Unfortunately, most of us on this blog did not have one of those.

    Here’s a verse for his dog and pony show:
    “Whenever you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, because they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by people. I assure you: They’ve got their reward! – Matt 6:5

    • I agree about repentance and “turning away” from their sin. My cheater said, “I’m sorry (aka “sorry I got caught”) and just took his seeing women behind my back to another level. He had NO INTENTION of ever stopping. Just figured out fancier ways of hiding who he was — a narcissist who needs CONSTANT female adoration and attention. In the Divorce Letter to me he said all this crap about “penance” and “retribution” from me. Fuck that shit! He didn’t do ANY penance. He didn’t do ANYTHING to make up for what he did to me when he treated me like crap was I was pregnant with our second child, getting naked lap dances in Canada, emailing flirtatious emails to women…….Screw you, jerk. I CAN’T WAIT until God gets ahold of him some day.

  • I have a family member who is a Jesus Cheater, so I’ve heard many variations of this mess before …

  • The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

    Ezekiel 25:17. Pulp Fiction. Delivered by Samuel L Jackson.

    • If you want a dark comedy of “looking for love” in all the wrong places, Pulp Fiction is it. This film had me howling at the stupidity of humans. DD happens and fuck me, I find I was living with a character out of this movie the whole time.

      Thanks HNE.

      Deliver me from all that is evil starts with YOUR first step away from the hell hole you keep yourself in by believing the lie. God helps those who help themselves. Great UBT as usual, CL.

    • Happilyneverafter, this is terrific. Oh I want Samuel L. Jackson to take STBX on a little car ride.

      Or for someone, anyone, to get medieval on his ass.

      Or stab him in the heart with a needle.

      Quentin Tarantino, you are my revenge hero.

      • Okay, I am out of the closet….I am a Quentin Tarantino fan…sick mother fucker that he is.

        • Okay. Secret crush on Samuel Jackson, too. No more confessions today. If he is a cheater, I’ll just cry…

          • While Samuel Jackson uses the word “Motherfucker” better than anyone, I have never heard a peep about being a cheater. In fact, he appears devoted to his wife. With that said, and admitting I may have missed the memo and adding the disclaimer that we have no idea about the hidden lives of celebrities; I’ve never seen so much as a hint anywhere that Samuel Jackson is a cheater.

            I love Samuel L. myself, so keep on crushing CalamityJane, keep on crushing.

            • Got my picker right on one out of four and he plays an assassin, go figure….I can’t thank you enough for this update CP…makes my crush even stronger…

  • I also have a Jesus cheater. Despite all his professed remorse and promises to change, it is now just 6 months after Dday and my filing for divorce and now he is sleeping with some random new slut. He hasn’t changed and that’s still adultery.
    I love the advice to trust that they suck. No matter how convincing they seem, give them a little time and they will continue to prove that they suck.

    I got a lot of advice from his very religious family to do what God was telling me to do. They wanted me to stay and I think they assumed that God didn’t want the divorce. But guess what? I believe God has shown me He hates adultery more than divorce and doesn’t blame a faithful spouse for following through with divorce. I have felt God guiding me through these last 6 months and giving me strength and resolve and a sense of peace for the future. STBX’s family now understands and supports my position, as they can see that I have been at peace with my decision (the peace that passes all understanding) and in light of his recent actions, his sister told me “I am now seeing that you are right.”

  • ? Excellent translation! Not that girl should send his prayer back with the UBT info & ask him for his prayer!! iNcredible !!!! Like one chump told here start the text with ” Your A-holyness” ?

  • What a spectacular amount of bullshit.

    WWJD? Jesus would kick his sorry ass for cheating, lying and mindfucking.

    Stay strong. You don’t need an asshole like this in your life and I’m pretty sure Jesus would tell you the same thing. Remember that line about being known for the results of your actions?

  • Wow, Not That Girl, he really is trying to mindfuck you hard.

    Look, this is not only typical Cheater-speak, it’s also typical of abusive people. They take that which is good in you and use it against you. This is evil. In your case, your faith is very important to you. In fact, it looks as if it is very central to your identity. Your POS Cheater is trying to undermine your own sense of your self when he sends you this kind of bullshit.

    If you want to have a more Christian-centric take on adultery, take a look at Divorce Minister’s blog.

    Here’s what you need to do.

    1. Get therapy for yourself. Your therapist should not be a marriage counselor. MCs try to preserve the marriage, which means that you end up eating a bunch of shit sandwiches while your cheater is given free rein to explain why you drove him into the vagina of another woman. You need a therapist who comes from the perspective of adultery as a form of spousal abuse.

    2. Find a kick-ass lawyer and file for divorce. If you have no children, it’s tempting to go pro se, but don’t go there. Also, don’t go for the collaborative divorce/mediation thing. Your cheater’s resolve to be a changed man lasted for 10 days before he took off with his Schmoopie. This showed you who he really is. He will promise you the sun, moon, and stars–and then turn his back on you. You need to find out if you’re in a no-fault state, how long it takes for the process to complete (my state allows for divorce in 60 days, but some states require a 1-year waiting period), etc.

    3. Find out about the finances. If you have access to the bank accounts, now is the time to look things over carefully. He went skiiing with Schmoopie? Uh, who paid for that? Also look carefully at payments to credit cards (do you recognize all of them? Go log online and find out what he’s been buying). See if he has not just one new cell phone, but a burner phone (standard cheater practice). And double check to see if there are transfers to a bank account you don’t know about. Does he have direct deposit? Is all of his paycheck going into your joint account? If the money trail starts to look fishy, then you may need to get a forensic accountant. For sure you should check into divorce financial planners, since even if you’re in a no-fault 50/50 state, how you draw that 50/50 line can make a big difference in your finances.

    4. Get tested for STDs. This sucks, but now that you know he has been sleeping with someone else, go to your doctor and ask for an STD panel because you discovered your husband has been cheating. My doctor was very compassionate. You may need to be retested, as sometimes it takes a few months before the disease shows on tests. Do not have sex with your husband. If you have had a full and satisfying sex life, this is very hard. You can look into masturbation/vibrators, but sex is about being touched. Massage (not necessarily happy ending massages!) can help with that need to feel physical contact with a human being. The no sex with the STBX is important not only for your physical safety (STDs), but also because in some states, having sex means you’ve forgiven him!

    5. Gather your support network. Your therapist is one person. See if your pastor can offer support. If your pastor tells you that it’s God’s will that you forgive and reconcile, refer that pastor to Divorce Minister’s blog as well as to the link to David Clark’s ministry, especially to the article “Bring your Marriage Back from the Dead,” which specifically addresses adultery and how telling the faithful spouse that she needs to win her cheater back, that the affair was partly her fault (she drove him to cheat!), that the affair is symptomatic of a sick marriage (she needs to try harder), that she needs to forgive him–all of this is WRONG advice because it victimizes the victim even further!

    If your pastor can’t see the above, recognize that your pastor cannot meet your spiritual needs at this time. Seek out another faith community where the pastor recognizes that you and your faith have been wounded as a result of your husband’s adultery and his attempt to guilt you back to him without taking responsibility for his actions.

    Let your family and friends know. Some friends may be “Switzerland” friends–the ones that will say that your husband isn’t really a Bad Man, just someone who made A Bad Decision, A Mistake. At this time, you don’t need those people in your life. You might be okay with them at cocktail parties, but they’re the people who’ll see nothing wrong with having you and your Cheater at the same dinner party.

    6. Stay strong. It’s easy to second guess, but remember that he showed you who he is when he zapped off to go skiing. Ask yourself if you should be married to a man who decides that you’re the center of his life only AFTER you are serious about filing for divorce. See? You weren’t the center BEFORE you filed or BEFORE he fucked around with OW. And if he begs for forgiveness, tells you he’s a changed man, and will do anything–well, have your lawyer tell him that this is swell. How about a generous divorce settlement.

    7. If possible, go No Contact. The best way to ensure that you don’t get these texts is to block him. Inform him that all communication goes through your attorney. If he has to contact you,he has to use email. Send those emails to a special folder. If you can’t go No Contact, go Grey Rock.

    Not That Girl, you are MIGHTY!

    • “…it’s also typical of abusive people. They take that which is good in you and use it against you. This is evil.”

      THIS! +10000

      If there is ONE thing to which we can all attest about cheaters en masse, as displayed by the tales recounted by CN, it’s that cheaters are abusive, and they will use anything – including whatever is important/sacred to you – as a weapon in that abuse (and justify it revisionist-style after-the-fact).

    • KB- Thank you so much for your thorough and heartfelt advice and encouragement. You are MIGHTY for making this list. I hope it helps not only me but anyone else who needs to be reminded of how to get your life back from these disordered narcs and protect yourself!

    • Kb – That’s an awesome post! And you’re right, these abusers take what’s good about your and use it against you, playing on your vulnerabilities. Great list, brava!

  • This made me so angry. Not This Girl, it’s not a sin to get angry so you can kick this evil cancer to the curb. That is one of the most sick, devious mindfuqs I’ve ever seen.

  • NTG- religion aside, here is a big hug. What has happened to you sucks on so many levels…..but you will get through it, with the help of your faith, and the faith Chump Nation has in you!

    Full disclosure-I am an atheist humanist, because I believe that any holy book that outlines how to treat your slaves nothing of the sort. I think this kind of cheater would invoke the Easter Bunny or Flying Spaghetti Monster for the sake of cake. In other words, the Devil can cite scripture for his own purposes, and often does.

    Here is another parable. I was looking after my then five years old god (or not) son. He was due to start at a church-run kindergarten. He jumped mightily off a slide, landed hard and said “Oh my God.”

    So I picked him up, dusted him off and said “Hey darling, you have to watch not saying things like that at Church School-Christians think that is taking his name in vain and they might get upset with you..” Without a blink he said:

    “He’s MY god, Auntie M. He does what I tell him.”

    From the mouths of babes…..

  • Whole thing made no sense, did he cut and paste that thing? You have my sympathies – Keep to your faith and dump the loser.

  • Not This Girl, my deepest sympathies for the situation you find yourself in. The distortions of a sociopath are meant to control and manipulate. To torture. Just devastating to be on the receiving of conduct by one who is morally bankrupt. Using prayer to violate you is unconscionable. This guy is the Devil in an Armani suit.

  • Satan blamed me for “taking him away from church.” Such bullshit. He knew I didn’t go to church from day one of our relationship! Clearly had he continued to go to church he wouldn’t have left me for his ho-worker. Of course, he STILL isn’t going to church even after I kicked his ass out.

    • My ex, who knew I was shy, said he wouldn’t have done this if I’d gotten help sooner. Presumably for the social anxiety. He then went on to marry someone more outgoing who let him have an open marriage. And he STILL cheated and broke the polyamory contract with her. And why would that be? He wouldn’t have done this if I’d gotten help sooner, so why would he do this to someone who was more outgoing in the first place? Oh, that’s right. Because, he was too busy blameshifting to deal with his own issues.

  • On D-day Saturday, around 11:00 a.m., after taking in the Craigslist ads, dick pics, email correspondence with teenage whores, receipts for prostitution, while I was ugly crying at the table, STBX got up and walked out.

    He “had” to go to the bar – shit was getting real.

    Later, hours later, I texted him that I wanted to talk some more.

    At 1:00 a.m. he texted me back, “Turn it over to God,” followed by “Don’t be in the house when I get home.”

    I’ve come to the conclusion that for some reason, God needs me to recognize radioactive pieces of toxic waste that present as human.

    Thanks, God. Got it.

    • I hope you told him that where you are isn’t his “home”, and he should STFU Ungrateful POS>

  • Right after D-day my mother called him. ( I’m surprised he had the balls to answer ). She asked him if he prayed. He said, yes. She asked if he prayed before or after he had sex with prostitutes. He actually said…. “both”. I couldn’t stop laughing. I imagine it went something like –

    Before : “please don’t let this hooker end up being an undercover cop named Bubba”

    After: “thank you that it wasn’t Bubba and I’m not in handcuffs” Yet.

    • This also reminded me that all of his cheater usernames have been “Angel” something… or “Saint”.

  • I was born into a “faith without works is dead” mainline Protestant denomination. I went to a well-known “Christian” college–whose college pastor was caught in an affair with the musical director on his next assignment, and whose president in my day once got into a cab–driven by a friend of mine who also went to the school–and asked where he could find a hooker. Evidently cabbies are supposed to know that…And I’ve worked for 30 years for Catholic schools, including college (and therefore know a bit about sexual religious hypocrisy from that front). And of course, we’ve all seen national news about megabucks pastors and religious politicians who are revealed as cheaters. And XH #1 was a Jew and a cheater and Jackass was a regular at Mass.

    The Bible, as Michael says above, deals in many places with the problem of religious hypocrisy: (“Whenever you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, because they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by people. I assure you: They’ve got their reward!” – Matt 6:5.) The presence of hypocrites doesn’t mean there is no God; that means that man’s attempts to find God (religion) are imperfect. And just as pedophiles are drawn to places where they can find cover as they groom victims, cheaters and other con artists (politicians, for example) are drawn to religious institutions which provide them with cover and a social mask to wear to hide the black holes where their souls should be. I still go to Mass, because it’s still a place where I can go to contemplate, with others, my own search for God and meaning. But I do not confuse the people I meet there or there take on things with “God’s truth.”

    Part of gaining a life is to separate ourselves from lots of propaganda about marriage (both religious and cultural) and how to live a good life. We believe that marriage is a sacrament and so loathe the idea of separation and divorce. But even the Catholic Church recognizes that some people (cheaters) do not marry in good faith. And that’s why we need to get away from a cheater–and perhaps from the whole social circle that marriage was nested inside–in order to get mentally clear about what is going on. In this sense, time apart, in the form of no contact, is our friend, one that will also allow the cheater a chance to show true remorse and humility but also allows the Chump a chance to get away from gaslighting and blame shifting and faux reality.

    A Cheater who is “praying” for you or pressing you to “save the marriage” without having done any real work on himself is not praying in the humble spirit of Christ. He should be asking for healing for himself and then doing the “leg work” on that. Jesus talk without works is dead. And in this case, “works” would be intensive therapy involving a diagnosis from one or more professionals and then a course of therapeutic intervention. “Works” would be transparency. “Works” would be answering a zillion questions about the cheating and then a zillion more, without complaint. “Works” would be a post-nup agreement favoring the Chump. “Works” would be willingness to live apart so as to preserve the Chump’s divorce options if therapy fails. “Works” would be paying for Chump therapy with a great therapist concerned only for the Chump’s welfare. “Works” would be admitting his failings to the kids and extended family and then following through on being a better parent. “Works” would mean an end to the charm, self-pity, rage cycle and an absolute end to devaluation and projection (e.g., “You can’t handle the truth.”). “Works” would be giving back that new car and staying away from the known AP, past APs, and wannabe APs. “Works” would be accepting consequences without whining and guilt-tripping the Chump. And “Works” would mean keeping his prayers to himself.

    • LAJ, on point as always. “Works” are not even on the cheater radar and they wouldn’t even know what to do with them even if they were. Even if the cheater could stay “away from the known AP, past APs, and wannabe APs”, without remorse for what they did with the AP, there is no “winning” for the chump.Just walk away from the cheater, Jesus cheater, “regular” cheater and just plain old cheater, just walk away, nothing changes these f*cks.

  • Cheater ex believed in God … Except he thought it was him.

    Dump this lying loser who has the gall to use God for his selfish purposes.

  • Wow, the letter today gave me a shiver, because my ex did the same thing…. would tell me he was praying for ME. As CL says, it’s a mind fuck and it’s also because the Jesus cheater really does believe they are some sort of divine creation, while the chump is a much lower being.

    A few days after Dday, cheater gave me the name and number of the pastor at his church (I am not Christian, I am Jewish. Ex is a Jesus Cheater, loves to bleat about how he is just like Jesus.) I was so broken and desperate, I made an appointment with the pastor, spent an hour or so crying in his office. He seemed kind of stunned and uncomfortable with what I told him…. I remember him saying something about not realizing the number of male partners ex had had. And one thing he said always stuck with me. He asked me, “Why do you think cheater told you to come see me?” I was not able to answer the question at the time, but when I later found out that not only had cheater told ME to go see the pastor for counsel, he also had his OW going to see him and cheater was meeting with the pastor for counsel too. Once I knew that, I figured it was a couple of things:

    Cheater was getting off on showing his pastor how TWO women wanted him.
    Cheater was pulling the “holier-than-thou, I am just like Jesus, I care so much I cannot be the bad person she claims I am” shtick.

    The whole thing was sick and perverted. Of course, this is the same guy who for quite awhile after Dday would leave his bible sitting open on the kitchen table to passages about adultery. He quit doing that when I flipped the pages to the verse about a wife being worth rubies.

    To this day, my cheater blames my being Jewish for one of the main reasons he had to leave the marriage and says the fact that our son is Jewish is an example of how I was a horrible “bully” to ex and proof that I was the bad person and he was a victim.

    • Glad it’s over, mine was the opposite, he was Jewish and I had to convert to marry him. Our children had to be raised Jewish. Christians were a bunch of mindless idiots. Yet, the only religious training the kids got was from me….who went to conversion classes by myself because he was too busy being important (heavy sarcasm). And yet, at DDay and forever after, when I brought up faith and the vows he made to me, the story changed….he had “evolved” and could love two women at the same time. Why couldn’t I be more evolved like him? It must be my dysfunctional FOO and the brainwashing of my Christian upbringing.

      The joke is now on him, one child, still Jewish, won’t speak to him because there has been no repentance. 2nd child has converted to Christianity and won’t deal with him because he broke the marriage vows. 3rd child is still drinking the kool-aid and is spending time with cheater dad. That child (14) is trying to get dad to sign him up for classes for a Bar Mitvah. Dad can’t, it’s “too expensive”. Yep, guess who paid for the older two?

      He’s all show and no action. Likes to look like the caring, involved husband, father for the outside world. Once we were home, he was on the computer (looking at porn) or watching tv.

      The kids and I are done with him for the most part. Each of us finding our own path to faith, not what was shoved down our throats as superior to all other faiths (without ever going to Shabbat services, having a proper Seder, nada). The extent of his actual religious practice was fasting on Yom Kippur (while watching tv all day).

      Yep, he is a smug, superior bastard that totally SUCKS!!!!!

  • Lovedajackass, this seems so true: “cheaters and other con artists (politicians, for example) are drawn to religious institutions which provide them with cover and a social mask to wear to hide the black holes where their souls should be”

    In my own experience, the Religious Science church we met in and belonged to for twenty years, is all about forgiveness and acceptance and tolerance.

    The whole “religion” is designed to validate people like STBX’s who make “mistakes” but who are “not mistakes” as people, and vilifies people like me (victims) for expecting support. HE is the troubled one who needs help. It’s hard to lie and cheat for years. Keeping all those secrets made STBX very anxious.

    As the door of that church slammed shut behind me, and the minister saying, “Good luck to you “normal one” (me). Hope you find a spiritual home.” Left unsaid, “And do something about that pesky expectation of justice. You are flawed too. Why not figure out what you did wrong so that STBX had no other choice than to lie about his age on his Craigslist ads or email a pimp to thank him for his “excellent customer service but next time I prefer a blonde.”

    Religions of all types LOVE sinners. Sinners are ripe for redemption. Gives those anointed ones something to do.

    But the churches would be out of business if they actually backed up their ideas with actions. Better to “forgive” and overlook than be seen as judgmental.

    Didn’t realize how lots of people in my congregation are only there because the “teaching” forgives them without expecting any change from them. Just think good thoughts and you’re okay. Not okay? Think better thoughts.

    A lot of hypocrites and a lot of chumps hoping to “change their thoughts, change their lives.”

    My thoughts today: ASSHOLES suck and deserve punishment

    My changed life: Better than ever.

    Hmmm…I guess my thoughts really have changed my life!

  • Oh man. This could have been written by my STBX. Exact same stuff. He’s super spiritual now as he was when we first met. Just the in between 15 years when he backslid a little… Slid into a few women that is.

    He did the whole bit. Weekly counseling with the pastor, Christian support group for “sex addicts,” prayer, Bible reading, Christian book study, etc. Still didn’t ring true.

    After I told him I still wanted a divorce he moved out found another church. Where he is already teaching Sunday school (!!!) and has a whole new group of people to deceive. He talks about how great it feels to be back involved and close to God again. Our daughter talks to him every night on the phone. She puts him on speaker and so I can hear what he says. He always prays a bedtime prayer with her in which he prays for me. For God to heal me and thanks Him for how good of a wife I was and how thankful he was for the time we had together. Augh! It disgusts me.

    Meanwhile I’m still hearing through the grapevine about his whoring around. No thank you. He sucks. I trust it. And I won’t let his hypocrisy affect my faith. God has been with me and protected me and strengthened me every step of the way. He is the One I put my trust in.

    • AtPeace, so glad you’re not letting your nutty Jesus cheater turn you off of faith. So many people lose faith after a divorce, but for me my faith has been strengthened. I don’t know how I would have survived without it and the wonderful church members who supported me and were there for me. Just hate hearing how some people use religion to cover their evil ways.

      • I am SO thankful for my pastor and church family. Pastor has been so supportive and made it very clear if I wanted to reconcile (and it was MY choice) it would ONLY work if STBX was truly repentant. He reminded me to not listen to what he said but watch his actions. When I decided, no I was done, pastor didn’t try to talk me out of it and offered regular counsel. He reminds me frequently that the divorce is not what is ending the marriage, his adultery did. And that it is not “my fault” AT ALL. Since I told STBX I wanted a divorce, after the wailing and gnashing of teeth, it quickly became clear he wasn’t changed a bit. If my pastor had concrete evidence of continued immorality he would have pursued “church discipline” (ultimately a removal from membership with instruction to members to have no fellowship with him). But since STBX quickly joined another church pastor now says “I’m not his pastor, you’re not his wife anymore” and pretty much encourages no contact. It’s comforting and reassuring to have a spiritual leader completely on your side — so to speak — and in no uncertain terms makes it clear that adultery is inexcusable horrible sin.

        I get lots of hugs and offers of help from my church family. I’ve had help with car repairs, lawn care, meals out, company when I need it, late night texts checking on me, etc. It’s so refreshing to see Jesus done right.

    • Just makes my skin crawl! Sounds so familiar! Thankfully we are MIGHTY and realize our lives can be rebuilt without the crazy.

      • Without the crazy. NO KIDDING. I am realizing more each day just how crazy the last 15 years had gotten. Life is so much simpler and more peaceful now. We ARE mighty. And God hears OUR prayers. I only imagine Him puking — or at the least an epic eye roll — at the cheaters’. IF he hears them at all.

        • I agree At Peace. We don’t realize how crazy our lives are not until we get out. And the longer we stay in the situation, the worse and crazier it all gets. I too look back and can’t realize how crazy things had gotten. No thanks, that’s not how I want to live. If they want craziness, they can go join a circus.

  • As others have said, they will try to use anything that’s important to you to “hoover” you back in–mine also tried religion, after nearly 30 years of self-righteous badmouthing of it and undermining my attempts to get our children involved in religious/spiritual/service activities.

    Once it became clear I was headed out the door, he started inviting me to go to church with him, talking about how it would bring us together. When I declined he pulled the sad sausage routine and whined about how he was even serving as an accompanist, he was so committed to church and our marriage.

    As with everything else concerning disordered cheaters, his “commitment” to both eventually vanished when it became obvious that his attempts to hoover me back in were not working. Cue rage channel . . . NTG, if you haven’t read CL’s post about the three channels, please do so you can prepare yourself for what comes next after you kick him to the curb.

  • “I simply ask You to love on her tonight, in only a way that You can” cause I’ll be with Schmoopie. Thanks, God. Take care of her, eh?, cause then the pressure’s off me. Heal whatever it is about her that made me cheat on her … get her back to her trusting self so I can have fun breaking her down again. Do all this work for me, God, and I promise I’ll put more money in the pot this Sunday, but only if I get a tax receipt.

  • This is a rant that I posted on Facebook over a year ago, that my friend posted anonymously on his blog. It’s called, “The God of Getting My Dick Wet.”

    —————–

    Certain men are always claiming that they have special revelation/permission from God to go against God’s normative teachings. And why is God breaking the rules that He Himself laid out? Is it to bring about racial reconciliation? To empower women? Bring a halt to human trafficking? Fight world hunger?

    Oh, no. The heavens are open and the God of the Universe has given special permission for these Very Special Snowflakes to get their dicks wet with women other than their wives.

    Joseph Smith? “And we called it ‘celestial marriage’”

    Tony Jones? “You’re just the legal wife, I have a spiritual wife now.”

    My ex-spouse? “I prayed about it and God told me not to stop seeing the Other Woman, so you don’t get a say in it.”

    Some woman on a blog I recently read: “I got on Tinder and cheated on my husband and got pregnant with another man’s baby, but it’s brought me closer to God and now we see how all things work together for the good of those who love him!”

    That pastor who impregnated 20+ women, married women and young girls: “The Holy Spirit told me to do it.”

    Look, here’s the thing: sure, there’s some weird crap in the Bible that’s hard to justify. The sacrifice of Isaac, some of the Mosaic laws, the slaughter of the Midianites, and so forth. It’s difficult to believe that God would command those things. I’m not an apologist. I’m not here to justify those things for you.

    But even with all of that weird stuff in there, it NEVER happens that God expressly commands a man to boink a woman other than his wife. It NEVER happens that God OK’s adultery. Forgives adultery, yes. Says some people were righteous folks in spite of being adulterers, sure. But it just NEVER happens that God comes along and says, “Okay, my child. I hereby grant you special permission to get your dick wet. Go thou and have fun!”

    And people really need to stop insulting both God and our intelligence by claiming God signed off on this stuff.

    That is all.

  • Yep, I was with the Jesus cheater for 40 years. His rationale was, “God wants me to be happy, right? I’m His creation! So if I have a fuckfest with my married coworker, it’ll bless me!”. Amen! Ha, the real blessing was when he left me!

    • My Cheater believes God “wants him to be happy”, too. Ugh, NO! God WANT YOU TO BE HOLY! Big difference!

      • A pastor once told me that holy means wholeness. Sometimes, the things that make us feel “happy” are the same things that destroy us. God went through a lot to make us whole. I’m sure He would rather have us be whole instead of broken but “happy” for a fleeting moment.

  • In my case it was Schmoopie who would say she was praying for my ex husband and me! ICK! No thanks bitch!

  • NTG – Your husband is a manipulator, and he knows exactly which buttons to push with you. It really doesn’t get much lower than this, but it’s all he’s got left. Don’t fall for it.

    As the saying goes, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” You didn’t believe him the first time, and he showed you again (you gave him a second chance and he left you standing in the driveway to go on a ski trip with the OW!). He’ll show you again if you give him a chance.

    I hate what is happening to you, and I hope you don’t allow yourself to be manipulated any further. I’m sure your heart needs no further lessons. You deserve better than this.

  • NTG,

    Your husband is lower than a pregnant ant to use your belief in God in an attempt to manipulate you. Please stay away from this man. File for divorce from him yesterday. As so many have so clearly pointed out, and as CL emphasizes in the UBT, all of his praying about changes that need to occur are in you. Seriously? He’s the lying, scheming, abusing cheater, but you need prayers for change? Apparently, he suffers from severe dyslexia because his reading of the scriptures regarding prayer, repentance and forgiveness are clearly distorted. If there was an ounce of sincerity in this man, all of his prayers would be directed toward himself – healing himself, overcoming his need for control and cleansing himself of his hypocrisy.

    My EX ridiculed my faith, criticized my faith constantly in front of the children and refused to allow them to partake in anything associated with my beliefs, only with his scattered hodge-podge of beliefs which consisted mostly of pontification about many religions but adherence to none. On the final D-Day he told me that, loosely quoted, “I know that in the Judeo-Christian ethic what I am doing would be considered wrong, but I don’t think it is.” This being said while he was consorting with a minister (who said that God had ordained their relationship). He has since been talking about the Jesus (in whom he professed for 30 years no belief). May the Lord save us all from scheming liars and amoral hypocrites.

    Cheaters are liars, deceivers and con men for whom honesty, authenticity and morals are not part of their value system. Please don’t be fooled by this duplicitous, abusive cretin. Trust in the fact that God has given you the chance for freedom from abuse, mistreatment and ongoing disrespect from this man. Recite a prayer of thanksgiving and trust in God’s will as you move forward away from this pig (an apology to upstanding pigs everywhere). (((HUGS)))

  • FuckBitchWhore called me once, imploring me to give up my husband. Among the many fruitcake things she said:
    “I even told my pastor I won’t apologize for falling in love with your husband. It cannot be wrong that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

    Oh how I wish I could know what her pastor thought of that.

    • “It can’t be wrong that I want the money in this bank.”
      “It can’t be wrong that I want to steal my kids’ college fund to go on a trip.”
      “It can’t be wrong that I want to have fun while my spouse takes care of my dying parent.”

    • “I won’t apologize for falling in love with your husband. It can’t be wrong that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.”

      I don’t know that having a simple thought or feeling would be wrong. All of us have temptations that we need to resist. However, the Bible commands us to not covet another person’s spouse. So, yes, continuing to covet him IS wrong. And how did she fall in love with him? By letting him fall into her? Well, scripture says adultery is wrong too. So, yes, the process used to “fall” for him was very wrong. Also, it’s not particularly wise to want to spend the rest of your life with a known liar. #notwinning

  • Nothing new from me but it’s said time and again here usually by CL herself, pay more attention to what cheating spouse does and less attention to what cheating spouse says/texts. I’m sure it says in the good book, “It is not those who say ‘Lord, Lord!’ who will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven but those who do the will of my father”

    • Amen!!! ACTIONS! Man, this is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in all this. I always listened to Cheaters words — “I love you, you are the perfect person for me, you are the woman of my dreams, we are going to have the best retirement together, someday I won’t have to work so much……………….” His ACTIONS spoke — I don’t love you, I don’t want to spend time with you, I want to spend most of my time working and flirting with my ho-workers and ex-ho-workers, work is more important than you, by vacuuming the stairs I’m doing more work around the house than I should, work harder to win my love and attention……..ACTIONS, ACTIONS, ACTIONS!!

  • If he was genuine in his faith and prayers, he wouldn’t have to share them with you. He would just pray on his own. Sharing the content with you is just pure manipulation.

    Plus, if he was genuine in his faith and prayers, he’d be praying for God to give him the strength to make things right with you, instead of praying that God will fix all your problems so he doesn’t have to do any work.

    • Oops. Hit reply before I was done my thoughts.

      My ex used the excuse that God gave him a second person to fall in love with, so how could it be wrong?

      Your ex is setting things up for using the excuse that he prayed that God would help you, so if it doesn’t work for you, it’s not his fault.

  • I also am a victim of a Jesus cheater. She was the one that went to church almost every week and did Beth Moore studies. Read her bible (not studied obviously) all the time. Told me I needed Jesus. The affair partner I know about was a former youth pastor. So you see, they are all disordered. You can’t begin to understand them. Even if they have “jesus” they are just screwed up. Bible is simple. Love others as you love yourself. Would he ever treat himself the way he treated you? No way! The thing I think I took away that is most important was that no matter who someone says they are is not necessarily who they really are. Not even the Jesus folks can be trusted for their word. I feel like I was really duped too by one! I’m just trying my best to not let it taint my feelings towards all people. For the first time in my life, i’m trying to educate myself about different personalities. I hate that you are here and have to go through this terrible experience. Gather people around you that support you and love you. As far as him, delete the text before you even read it. It’s just a mind fuck like everyone says. I with confidence i will say, i’m sure God ignores it as well since it’s not from the heart!

  • While I was going through the house throwing everything I owned into garbage bags and boxes, I passed by my husband kneeling at the side of the bed in fervent prayer. He’s lucky I didn’t stick a crucifix into his neck.

    • LOL!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 My Cheater would sit on the couch (his new bed) and read his Bible, deep in thought. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to grab that Bible that I bought for him (it was heavy!) out of his hands and hit him in the head with it! I figured the blow of the Bible to his head might knock some sense into him.

      My Cheater also used to take his Bible into the bathroom for a 30 to 40 mins. Of course his phone went with him, too! He wanted me to believe he was reading his Bible. Little did he know that I was keeping track of where he was in his Bible and the bookmark wouldn’t move one page. He did this with other books he was “reading”, too. LOL! Lying jerk! I can only imagine what he was doing with his phone for 30-40 mins in the bathroom. Shudder. Caught a few “used” tissues in his den with semen in them. Well, he said it was snot. I don’t believe him anymore, because he’s a liar!

  • Just WOW. Unbelievable levels of bullshit! CL’s shredding of it is quite satisfying and hilarious.
    “for she may divorceth me and rain the hot coals of consequences upon my head, and smite me with lawyers.”
    ? Damn straight she will.
    Stay strong Not This Girl. I’m closer and closer to meh and it’s sooooo much better on the other side. Love and healing to Chump Nation. ❤️
    Long live ChumpLady ?

  • The post today reminded me of a trial that I sat on as a juror in 1994.

    Click the link below and scroll down to the “Hal Mark Cobb Murder Case.” The guy was a youth minister. I actually worked with people who went to church with him and swore he didn’t do it, until Hal admitted in court that he did. I couldn’t believe my ears while listening to his testimony. It was my first experience with a very sick Jesus cheater.

    http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs015/1101899245055/archive/1102246407896.html

  • You only need to watch the ID channel to see a bazillion preachers, youth ministers and religious nuts to know that saying you believe in God does not mean you get to murder the person you are married to. There is nothing a narcissist loves better than being center stage and what better place for it than a house of worship. Add a little sociopathy in there and you have cheating, stealing and sometimes murder.
    I believe in God. I don’t think he looks like me. Why does he needs lungs and legs? I also don’t think he is involved in giving your husband permission to cheat. I take the Ten Commandments very seriously and right there in plan sight it says no adultery. So if you believe in hell you can be pretty sure your husband has a seat reserved for him.

    • Let Go, you are absolutely correct about “There is nothing a narcissist loves better than being center stage and what better place for it than a house of worship.”

      The minister at my ex-church is a HUGE NARC.

      It really bummed me out for a long time but now that I’m NC at church, too, I see that it was not a healthy place for me at all.

    • Yep. There’s no exception clause in “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” It never said…unless he doesn’t make you happy happy every second. There’s even an obscure passage in the old testament where a man can take his wife in to see the priest if she’s suspected of cheating. She has to drink this potion that will determine if she is innocent or guilty. It then says that the betrayed husband is innocent on this matter. There’s no unless after that either. It doesn’t say the betrayed spouse is innocent if they did a good enough job making the other happy. It just says the betrayed spouse is innocent PERIOD.

      It’s stories like this that makes me careful about which church I go to. There are definitely christians and christian leaders out there who aren’t such big hypocrites.

  • Don’t you just love Jesus Cheaters? My cheater screwed two besties who were not only on the choir with me but we’re also in the same section as I. Moreover, one of these idiots has harassed me for 4 years and got me thrown off the choir, yet she still isn’t happy. Also, she continues to screw church leadership and other assorted married men. I guess it is all in the name of Jesus

    • Maybe she would be happier is she actually followed Christ.
      Scripture does say God will judge the immoral and the adulterers…

  • Completely unrelated karma bus sighting: Amber Heard just filed for divorce from Johnny Depp ( who left his long time (13 years?) partner and mother of his (4?) kids for her. Amber filed less than a week after his mother died and less than a week before his new movie opens. And he had no pre nup

  • LMHO! Excellent work UBT!! I like how he thanks his God…not to be confused with her God or our God. Bet you he sent the same prayer to OW. And yes…like you said he knows what you like he’s going to dangle it in front of you. You need to quote him the 7th commandment. Shut that shit down.

  • Dear Jesus. I pray for this cheater. I pray that you would knock him upside the head with a metaphorical 2×4. Knock some sense into this man Lord. I know that is a VERY BIG task, but you said faith as small as a mustard seed could move mountains. So, amaze us all and move the mountain of his bullshit so he can think clearly. Amen!

  • Dear Jesus,

    Your faithful son wants you to convince his wife, that cheating is not the source of the torment, but the torment is the source of torment.

    Without taking any responsibility for his role in the grief, he is just using your faith and blinding you with it.

    Also, just text back and ask if there are verses for whores giving blowjobs.

  • I was a pastor’s wife for 24 years. PCUSA. That’s Presbyterian. He cheated on my twice, once with an 18 year old when he was in his 20s. Once for 3-ish years with a member of the congregation from our former church, while our children were still in single digit ages. I divorced him, I told 2 elders.

    He is STILL a pastor. The whole church thinks I’m an unreasonable bitch for leaving him.

    But then he MOVED to states away, supposedly for a new church, but really to be closer to shmoopie.

    Now people are asking, why would he move away from his children? They get the divorce, but not the moving away from the kids.

    What the fuck ever. I haven’t gone to church in a year, and I may never go back. My kids don’t want to go either, and I’m not making them.

    Here’s what I know. Church is for suckers. And the people in churches are gossipy, holier than thou, judgemental horrors.

    I love God. I love Jesus. Church can suck it.

    • Twitching, I’m so sorry 🙁 . Those elders should have exposed him, not let him go on to pastor another church (How can a man who cannot even control himself or look after his own family care for the church of God?). Shame on all three of them (pastor and elders)! My cheating husband was very involved in the church. After months of trying to reconcile (privately) with him, I made the decision to leave, and at that time I exposed him publicly: I told everyone about the affair: family, friends, the neighbours, everyone. I realised in the months afterwards, that in having an affair while pretending to be an upstanding person in our community, he was actually lying to everyone, not just to me. He does not go to church anymore.

      But as for people’s responses, my teenage daughter said to me, “I don’t get it, why do all your friends want you and Dad to get back together?”
      I replied, “Because it suits them if things just go back to normal. Then no one has to think about it anymore, none of them have to deal with anything difficult.”

  • I swear, religious narcissists are the most fucked up of all of them. My ex grew up in an Anglican household (her dad is an Anglican minister). When we started dating, she was doing all the daily devotionals, insisting on going to church, saying grace before meals, the whole bit. We abstained from sex for a year because she wanted to make sure I was the right one. Twenty years later and she was sleeping with the neighbourhood. I found email correspondence between her and an unemployed sex-addicted pothead we met at a couples communication course she signed us up for (because of my “trust issues” resulting from an affair I discovered two years previously). When she discarded me and I was crying for help from her parents, they told me to stop playing the victim and that the breakdown of my marriage was 50% my fault. Of course, they just thought I was crazy when I was describing all the terrible things she was doing. I noted that her dad himself did a sermon on how God’s law trumped all civil law. I was crying about how her actions were going to destroy me financially and would compromise my ability to support my kids, and how unfair it was (as she wasn’t earning her own income, so was basically going to take me to the cleaners). What does her dad say? “Fair or not, it’s the law.” They did absolutely nothing to help. Their defense was “*****” is an adult and can make her own decisions. I pointed out that although she was an adult, her behaviour was that of a spoiled teenager. So much for family morals. They have also, of course, said that I have behaved like a child for refusing to talk to her any longer (“a mature adult would still be civil and remain friends for the sake of the children.”) For me, that spelled the end of amy relationship with organized religion. Being people for whom appearances mean everything, I received a card from them in the lines of ‘may God bless your life…(blah, blah, blah).” I still wonder where this rationale of “you were in the relationship, so it’s partly your fault” comes from. It was my fault that my ex had to have affairs with several men at the same time?

    • I thought my mother in law would help me too. She refused to talk to me. Would not pick up the phone.

      I needed her.

  • I knew what my ex was before we married. He wasn’t quite a Jesus cheater, but I think the religious set will appreciate this one. He had “Love bears all things” engraved into our rings. 1 Corinthians 13:7. My love stopped bearing the entire weight of our marriage around year 5.

  • Sounds like the Conquistadors when they invaded the New World in the 15th Century; get “shriven” on one day and then go out to rob, rape, murder and steal because you’ve been “forgiven”, then do it all over again..

    One main reason why I separated myself from “organized religion” years ago.

  • Amen to all of this. My husband’s affair has been going on for a year now, and I thought I had some pretty good friends (all church going like me) but all of them are supportive of BOTH of us. And at first, when I still had some hope for reconciliation, I thought that was a good thing, but now I think WTF.. WHY do they want us to reconcile. Do they not see what an asshole he is? Why are they supporting him? Why do they seem to accept what he’s doing? Why are they accepting his actions? They are all so PASSIVE… and I don’t even know if they are my friends anymore. Not ONE friend has told me this is unhealthy and helped me to get out of this marriage. Why are they encouraging me to make it work with this cheater? And a big part of that is our faith – we were taught that we need to WORK on our marriages. Maybe I just don’t have any good friends.

    • Even couple-friends, where the husband is friends with him, and the wife with me. DRIVING ME NUTS.. Why is the wife ok with her husband being friends with the cheater? Don’t they have values? As CHRISTIANS, don’t they KNOW cheating is wrong?? Sometimes I think ‘Christians’ are pretty weak!

      • Katy, first of all let me say that I’m very sorry that you are going through this It’s hell in the hallway for sure. Now, for your question:
        It’s my belief that people want to see reconciliation because of fear. The fear and reality that divorce brings is too close to home for most people. It’s easier to err on the side of reconciliation than it is to accept the “ugly” divorce. Forgiveness is huge in the church even bigger than judgement. They shove forgiveness down our throats and make us feel like if we were judgmental or holding a grudge that WE are the ones who are wrong, even though we are the ones wronged. How many times have you been told to “turn the other cheek”?

        If my divorce has taught me anything – it that if someone slaps me on the cheek, there will be no offering up the next to be hit – I’ll come out fighting and they’d better hope I’m in a forgiving mood.

        I remember a friend of mine said to me during the early days of the divorce when I was doing the pick me dance. “Well he’s healing”… I was like from what? Even then, I thought well, jeex this must be hard on him too in some weird way. Again – trying to take the high road.

        Well as far as that’s concerned – don’t try it because it doesn’t exist – all it serves is to further plummet your self esteem into the gutter. It’s a lack of respect for yourself – so just give it up.

        I hope that you have someone a girlfriend perhaps that you can vent to and that is telling you to see the truth and that you deserve better and to get out. He’s doing you a favor believe it or not. He’s a man with zero character, integrity or morality. You will see how much better life can be. Oh, and you’ll make new friends as well… better ones, who don’t let fear rule them.

  • I had a similar experience. Funnily enough the only person to tell me I deserve better was the OW!

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