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UBT: “I lied to you because you can’t accept the truth”

canthandletruthThis bit of mindfuckery was recently submitted to the Universal Bullshit Translator — “I lied to you because you can’t accept the truth.”

This chestnut gets submitted to the UBT quite often. It must be the go-to default blameshifting nugget o’ stupid.

The problem is not (the cheating, devaluing, health risking, financial shiftiness, batshit crazy gaslighting), the problem is your lack of acceptance of (the cheating, devaluing, health risking, financial shiftiness, batshit crazy gaslighting).

Well DUH. Any healthy person wouldn’t accept that crap.

And yet, the jujitsu mindfuckery of this utterance goads chumps into a defensive posture. Hey! I’m open-minded! I’m forgiving! I’m understanding!

Alas, (head shake), you’re terribly judgmental and that is why they could not level with you about that double life. So — and they were just doing this to SPARE YOUR FEELINGS! — they got in front of it and lied to you, to protect YOU from your aversion to the truth. And themselves from your petty, small-mindedness.

“I lied to you because you can’t accept the truth.”

Huh? You’ve been judged before you even KNOW the truth.

Here are some responses:

“You’re lying to yourself, because you can’t accept that you’re a colossal fuckwit.”

“You lie because you can’t accept consequences. You know, like throwing all your shit on the front lawn, and divorcing you, if I knew the truth.”

“I can’t accept what I don’t know. Now that I know the truth — that you’re a cheater — consider it accepted. Buh-BYE.”

Of course the best response to Stupid Shit Cheaters Say is no response at all. That much stupid tells you all the “truth” you need to know.

Accept this truth — you deserve better.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Another common tactic of cheaters is to say, “All I asked for was a little bit of space and you couldn’t even give me that!!! I realize now we are just better off apart!”

    No, of course you weren’t cheating with the office whore. Doesn’t matter that I presented you with loads of proof. Doesn’t matter that schmoopie admitted to her now ex husband that her vagina was being filled with multiple semen (his and my now ex’s). They will still deflect and LIE! It’s hard to believe I ever saw anything redeeming in this man. He is a stranger!

    I hate fucktards!!

    • Yes, hurt. I got that also. He just needed space so he could screw slut puppet without being bothered by his pesky wife, all while pesky wife was paying for their fuck shack, car and life together. He just needed space and I just wasn’t able to back off. WTF??!! Then later, I “have an anger management problem” because I was angry that he was screwing the slut (and members of his harem) for the past year and lying about it. I told him maybe wife #4 will be ok with being married to a lying, cheating, narc sociopath.

      • Yes, with all these disordered fuckwits we have NO right to defend ourselves. They deliberately take that right from us. So we are not allowed to say anything about their behavior. If we get angry, complain or as much as frown at their behavior, then obviously we are the ones with the problem. It’s abuse in the highest form, and not allowing someone to defend themselves while they are getting screwed over is evil.

  • Yes! Yes! Yes! ALL OF WHAT SHE SAID! My Cheater/AKA Assbrain, said all of that and almost in the exact same words! He even went so far IN FRONT OF OUR PASTOR in counseling, “I kept seeing Slut out for coffee for the last nine years and not telling you about it, “because I didn’t want to hurt you.” So, you know what you are doing will hurt me, BUT YOU KEEP DOING IT ANYWAY?! ENTITLED, SELFISH DICK! And to add insult to injury, the pastor backs him up on it! “Martha, he just didn’t want to hurt you. That’s why he didn’t tell you. Men do that sometimes. Not tell their wives all the truth, so that they don’t hurt you.” Sorry! But this isn’t some white lie like, “No, Martha. You don’t look fat.” This is withholding seeing women behind your back! BIG DIFFERENCE!

    And I was told that I’m “judgmental”, because I’m judging his behavior — going out for women behind my back, flirting with them, sending them flirtatious emails and texts. And I’m “controlling”, because I’ve been telling him for years that this behavior hurts me and I don’t want him to do it anymore.

    And I “don’t respect him”, because I don’t “accept” him for who he is (a complete lying, cheating prick!). His DNA (he actually blamed it on is DNA!!!) makes him who he is and this is who he is and it’s MY FAULT that I don’t “trust him 100%, because I have “trust issues.” There’s no way in hell that my “trust issues” have to do with HIM and how untrustworthy he’s been since I first me him. Oh, no way! It couldn’t possibly be his fault. Funny how I never had ANY “trust issues” with any of my ex-boyfriends. Lying piece of crack. His AP can have him! They totally deserve each other! Any slut who’d go out for drinks with a married man deserves a cheater and liar like him!

      • Speaking of feisty and rational, where is creativerational? She proposes to me on-line, then ghosts me…sheesh…

        • ‘Any slut who’d go out for drinks with a married man deserves a cheater and liar like him!’

          Pretty damn succinct. It is totally true and sums it up perfectly.
          I like your feistiness too. I’m one of you too. lol

        • Speak of the devil… I was off galavanting for work so I haven’t been up to date on my CL. Then had my “I know what you are” blowout with hohub… About an hour before some friends were due to arrive at his parents cabin for the weekend. Then it was a weekend of weird. I’m exhausted. But the cats out of the bag. I have a post nup signing “I will do anything” Dude on my hands. And so the next gauntlet of suck begins.

          • Isn’t he employed yet so you divorce his sorry ass without paying spousal support? Instead of a post-nup, have him fill out some job applications.

      • I got the blame for my reaction as reason it was all kept in the dark. “She’ll be mad, unreasonable, won’t understand.” I love how you frame the truth CL; much appreciated and so true.

    • Wow. You go girl. So feisty and funny – and so spot on – more people should judge cheaters. Want to have a relationship with someone else – no problem, just get out of your marriage first.

      • Seriously… how hard is it to say,”I would like a divorce.” And, then move out, and then go fuck anyone you want.

        And, that’s just it, it isn’t that simple to them. They love the control more than they love the sex, I think.

        They get off more on the mindfuck than the real fucking.

        Just look at Mr. Sparkles… he solicits online for women/couples/groups… friends with benefits… yet he insists on being in “monogamous” relationships.

        It’s not about love and it’s not about sex. It’s about control with these Cluster B fuckwits.

        People divorce every day without this drama, but not these clowns. They need the drama.

        • My friend was married for 10 years when her husband told her he no longer wanted to be married. They divorced, no cheating, no drama, it was hard and an adjustment, but she recovered shortly thereafter. She is very happy today and moved on with her life.

          • “Seriously… how hard is it to say,”I would like a divorce.” And, then move out, and then go fuck anyone you want.”

            Oh but Noooo…..he’s in a triangle and feels ‘like a small animal trapped in a cage’. What is he going to do?
            He loves her! He loves me! He doesn’t know what to do. wringing hands.

            It’s called being honest with your wife that you no longer love her or your lifestyle together, want to ruin entire families by you indecision, and generally fuck up your life.

            Choice? not for me. I was never a choice. buh buy-

        • Thank you so much for posting this. You’ve helped me make sense of it all. It would also explain why the sex was so aggressively mediocre.

    • Amen, Martha. These people that Date married men are lying pieces of Whore Shit, as are the said Married Men. Complete fucking losers.

      • Anita, That’s a good one! “Whore Shit!” I couldn’t agree more! My STBXH’s whore shit was seeing him out for coffee before work for the previous nine years. Mind you. They didn’t work together anymore. It wasn’t a business meeting like her ALWAYS told me his “lunch dates” were. I NEVER EVEN KNEW SHE EXISTED FOR NINE+ YEARS! He never mentioned his sluts name ONCE! But the minute the slut got a divorced, he took his coffee before work to drinks until 1:30 in the morning. Lying, cheating bastard deserves a slut like her and she deserves someone just like him.

    • Kick your pastor to the curb while you’re at it since he seems to have forgotten a couple of those ten commandments.

      • A few other ways he took the Cheaters “side” was letting him stay in as a leader of young boys for EIGHT MONTHS after D-Day. And one of my other favorites was when I busted my Cheater lie upon lie — he said they were at the restaurant/bar until almost 1:30am. A few weeks after D-Day, I had a “feeling” to call the bar to see what time they closed. MIDNIGHT! I confronted Cheater with the new information. HIS FACE WENT WHITE WHITE! He of course had to quickly think of a lie. Said they stood outside the cars until I called. LIE!!! It was a chilly, rainy night. I only remembered that, because I went and got my haircut and I was out that evening and it was raining and cool. So, I mentioned this new information in front of the pastor. NO LIE!! He spent a good 15-20 minutes on his iPad trying to prove that my STBX was telling the truth and that I wasn’t remembering the weather correctly! And then after he couldn’t find out the weather for that day, he said something about, “Well, sometimes I with friends and I say that I’m at McDonald’s, but actually I’m out in the parking lot with my friends. I’m not lying. I’m really at McDonald’s. Just not INSIDE.” I FELT LIKE PULLING MY HAIR OUT! There were a few other instances with our Pastor that he said, “I didn’t say that.” and took my STBX’s memory even though MY SISTER WAS THERE AND HEARD THE EXACT SAME THING AS ME. Yeah, I don’t blindly trust people anymore like I used to!

      • Sought out my priest for help after he didn’t return m y calls – crying my eyes out about my serial cheater. He hands me a pamphlet on marriage counseling through the church and tells me “nothing is impossible” and runs off to his meeting. – WTF! His secretary on the other hand who I spilled the entire story of the main OW, and others I found and the lies/fake work travel/falsified expense reports, etc – she says to me “and your first call was the priest, I’m Italian and from the North – my first call would have been to a hit man”. No shit! I don’t think she works at the church anymore. My Ex asshole also tried to blame it on his DNA – funny how he hated his lying serial cheater father and belittled him our whole marriage saying what a dick he was – turns out he was 10x worse.

    • Martha big hugs to you girl.

      my deceptacon was exactly the same, and your pastor??????? what is wrong with these people? do most of them really believe the shit they say when they hear that a spouse has been unfaithful. OMG following d’day I remember telling my ex that I could never trust another thing that came out of his mouth as he had lived a double life for 8years. but the decline of our marriage according to him was not his homosexual cheating but my reaction to it. just like you, my having an opinion on the matter was my need to “control everything” my being upset at the lies and deception and his who gives a fuck attitude, while I shouldered the care for our youngest child was just more of my “abusive behaviour”. I had no cause to be upset, he was the one who was being refused access to the family home and the preferred computer to access his second life. I had no right to call him on his behaviour as once he had told me of his cheating that made it in his past and he had conditioned me from early in our relationship that using the past to excuse current or future behaviour was a cope out so my being upset at his past was inappropriate of me and therefore in his thinking I was attacking him for no good reason. My pastor was a dick, his thinking was that my husbands lying to me for all that time was his way of honouring me because he was coming home to me and allowing me to do my duty as his wife and care for his day to day needs, he could have chosen to leave me seeing I was such an awful wife but he didn’t he stayed. wow lucky me.

      • “My pastor was a dick, his thinking was that my husbands lying to me for all that time was his way of honouring me because he was coming home to me and allowing me to do my duty as his wife and care for his day to day needs, he could have chosen to leave me seeing I was such an awful wife but he didn’t he stayed.”

        My head just assploded for you. OMG, I’m so sorry you had not only an abusive husband, but an abusive pastor as well.

        • “My head just assploded for you”…….HAW HA W. HAW. HAWWWW……HAW HAW HAWH. HAW. Brilliant BetterDays!

      • My pastor, the man who married us, said to me: “As Christians, we want to believe that God brings things to us – people. But, God can also push things – people away from us too.”

        It was so reaffirming to me know that God will do for me what I couldn’t do for myself… push Mr. Sparkles out the door. I was redeemed.

        • ICanSee, I truly believe that God woke me up the night I caught my cheater out! I believe it with all my heart!! I could never “catch” him. Well, one night he had a business dinner. All legit. Around 11:00 and texted me (how nice for cheaters that texting can help you lie easier!!!), I’m so sorry it’s so late, but I feel like I really need to be here.” Supposedly out with big-wig lawyers from NYC. NO! Out with a slutty new divorcee who sees no problem going out for drinks with a married man. I went to bed at 11:00. Went fast asleep. Trusted my cheater 100% when he told me he had business dinners. GOD woke me up at 12:30am. Had a horrible pit in my stomach and I “just knew.” My STBX husband KNEW I would never leave him. NEVER! But God had to intervene. I never deserved to be treated the way he treated me and God knew it and still knows it, even though this is the worse thing I’ve ever been through my entire life. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “God, why did you wake me up?!” If I didn’t wake up that night, I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t be getting a divorce and my STBX would be banging his AP on the side.

        • My pastor said that cheating pretty much meant the end of the marriage in the church’s eyes and is supported by the bible. I’m sorry your pastor is such a lousy pastor (can’t say what I really think it is unchristian)

          • My pastor wanted me (us) to ‘try harder.” What the frick was I doing the past twenty years? Laying on the couch all day watching TV while he did EVERYTHING? Uh, no! I was the one working hard on our marriage! On our family! On our life! Cheater actually said this to me and I QUOTE, “I worked on our marriage BY GOING TO WORK.” Seriously!! Yeah, and you also “worked on our marriage” by seeing women behind my back, emailing them, flirting with them, “visiting” all the women you work with all around the plant all day, remembering their bdays so you could send them a Happy Bday email each year, going out for coffee before work with them, going out to lunch with them, going out for drinks with them, telling them “you miss them so much!” in emails…….yeah, you were working real hard on our marriage, Assbrain. You worked so hard on our marriage that we are now getting a divorce. #FAILURE

            • Some of these so-called “pastors” are probably involved in cheating or some other sex escapade themselves. Some of them don’t know any more about narcissists and Cluster B disorders than the average person, so they can be deceived like anyone else. Some of them who defend male cheaters are probably keyed on the Biblical notion of the husband as the boss in the marriage. And others just believe that ending a marriage is on the same moral plane as murder. I have a satisfying spiritual life rooted in one of the more egregiously hypocritical major churches but I take my cue from the golden rule, which says to love others as we love ourselves. Right there–we are required to love ourselves, chumps. And allowing ourselves to be abused breaks that great commandment. There are some priests, pastors and other spiritual leaders who are humble enough to know they don’t know everything and who would never expect a spouse to stay in an abusive marriage with someone who has broken every promise, every vow.

            • Not to bring up a bad name, but I was listening (yep I was) to Dr. Laura today. Sometimes I do that on long trips. Women are always calling in about just catching their husbands cheating, and this wenchy-bitch always always says, what did YOU do wrong? It was YOUR fault! Were you a good wife? And, she bullies the wife by asking – why does she work when she has children? Were you kissing your husbands feet when he got home? Were you giving him all the sex he needed? Basically, blames it on the woman! I feel like calling in. Millions of people hear her show everyday and I rarely hear her tell the same advice to men.


              Oh, and don’t forget to read her pathetic book called, ‘How to keep your husband happy in your marriage’, or some such bs.

              • Oh, it’s even worse than that! “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”.
                Does it get anymore pathetic than this?

              • At least she’s not actually a therapist or psychologist, or MD … that would be extra embarassing. I think her Ph.D. is in physiology or something else equally useless in dealing with human behaviour.

              • Dr. Laura was a cheater and OW. Don’t expect her to tell basically any truth, unless it specifically serves her.

                I also wouldn’t expect such an opportunist to understand that day to day struggle of a working mom. A lot of us HAVE to work to make basic ends meet. Ridiculous expectations in this era that we can have one-income homes as a lower middle-class family.

      • Thankful, because they project their actual faults onto us. It’s the weirdest. Pretty much any bad trait they “see” in us actually describes them accurately.

      • Thankful, OMG. You should be THANKFUL for being out of that MINDFXCK!!!

        I got the SAME thing, too! Maybe once a year (not more than once a year), something would come up that wasn’t exactly the same as all the lying and deceitful behavior in the past. BUT it would remind me of it. THERE WAS A PATTERN. He kept doing the same thing, BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY. So, he’d get all defensive and say, “So, you are bringing that up again?” Ugh, yes! I’m bringing it up again, BECAUSE YOU KEEP DOING THE SAME THING IN A DIFFERENT WAY!!! You haven’t changed your ways! So, our pastor said that my STBX’s going to strip clubs, getting naked lap dances (more than tens times ALL BY HIMSELF HE WENT!) and whatever he was doing with a ho-worker when I was pregnant with our second child (this was 16 years ago) was “before JC.” I said to the pastor, “What is that?” He said, “Before Jesus Christ.” Ummmmm, my husband was supposedly a Christian when I married him…….He went out for drinks with a newly divorced woman………what does is make him now? After Satan? Before Satan?

    • Hi Martha, thank you so much for posting. I am not divorced or married but I was involved with someone who has NPD. These were the exact words rolling out of my ex’s mouth when I confronted him about his lies. He was married to another woman while we were together and he kept it from me. He even proposed to me while knowing he was still married. He flirted openly with my female friends and other women in front of me and said that I should accept for who he is. He criticized me for not being sexy enough and I should learn from the girlfriend whom he found her hot. He wasn’t like this when we first known each other. Now I realized this is part of his narcissistic behavior by presenting the best version of himself. His facade crumbled and it took me a long time to realize he was a fraud. The lies really fucks up my mind and I spent 9 months trying to figure out all these lies and at one point, I believed I am to blame for the demise of our relationship. Reading your post totally helps me to understand these were the tactics he used to shift the blame on me. It definitely helps me on the path of healing and moving on. Thanks a million for this.

  • I definitely got the “see, this is exactly why I can’t tell you the truth. You say you want the truth, but you can’t handle it. This is what happens when I tell you the truth”

    I think I said something like “you can’t even be honest with yourself”. Or. “You’re not even really sure what the truth is anymore”

    • And he was of course mad at that response. More ammo for his argument that I can’t handle the truth. Now I’m accusing him of things.

      • Oh we can handle the truth! We know they are assholes,liars, cowards, morons, idiots, clowns and turds. We can handle the truth that the cheaters are colossal assholes. We have been handling this truth for years. It’s time the cheater accepted this truth as well. If anyone can’t handle this truth, it’s them.

  • The problem was never what he did wrong; the problem was always my reaction to it. Jerk.

  • This is timely – -we’ve been having a thread on the Forums > General going for a few days on a variation of the stupid things they say to demonstrate Lack of Acceptance . . .

    Kunty Kibbler’s Greatest Hits include:

    – LOA: “You need to reel me back in when I make these mistakes.”
    – What I Should Have Said: “They aren’t mistakes when you keep making them over and over again. They represent deliberate dishonesty and sabotage of promises we made to each other. If you can’t reel yourself back in, I’m not going to help you.”)

    – LOA: “I’m not responsible for your happiness anymore.”
    – What I Should Have Said: “Maybe not, but your continual mindfucking behavior IS responsible for the pain and disruption being inflicted on me and our daughters.”

    • Yeah, isn’t it obvious that healthy adults need other people to work full time to ensure they don’t screw up? I guess I just didn’t care enough to consult my crystal ball, realize everything he was trying to hide from me, and reel him in. So his behavior is all my fault, obviously. FACEPALM!

  • Yes. Yes. I got this line. ” You can’t handle the truth! ” Funny it was all I ever asked for and all I ever gave him. He’d lie about little shit and big shit. He obviously lied to his women about me. Yet he said I was the only person he lied to. I laughed my head off at that. I said a liar lies to everybody! (I’m laughing as I think of it now) . Anyhow he had crappy ideas and his farts always stank to high heaven….that’s cause he is full to the brim of shit!

  • “I didn’t want to hurt you, so I had two choices: I could stop doing what I knew would hurt you, or improve my skills in deceiving and gaslighting.”

      • I believe you’re right. My ex probably considered stopping his hurtful behaviour about a second, then gave himself an “I deserve this” pep talk and continued with blowing up our marriage to tiny fragments.

        • And this is where Dr. Simon’s quote “It’s not that they don’t see, they just disagree” shines. He knew that stopping the behavior was an option, he just disagreed that he should.

  • Oh, so many times and in so many ways. “I lied because I didn’t want to upset you. I was trying to protect you. I know how easily upset you are!” Awwww… what a great guy. Didn’t want to upset his wife by telling her he took out a loan in her name and spent it on porn and whores.

    • Ah, yes, because they know–they know–that lying and cheating and sneaking around and spending the family money on APs and exposing you to STDs would upset anyone. They know its wrong. And the do it anyway.

  • Asswipe said what did i expect? Nothing lasts forever! Then why get married i said just should have played the field instead of making promises and vows you didnt mean. Whore juice was the woman he was meant to be with then why are they broken up for the fourth time again cause his promises mean nothing! I told him suffer the wrath of being married and and then committing to another woman at the same time! He claims he is an honorable guy who keeps his word! Uh no a dirtbag who cant control himself. Didnt want to hurt me in the short run so he kept doing it every day for two years! Yeah real honorable. These cheater fucks have no idea what love and honor is just their private parts and money. Fuck them all!

  • “I didn’t tell you because I knew you would leave me.”

    Yup, that says it all right there. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t want to accept the consequences or your choices. Good thing I found out on my own.


    • Exactly HM. The truth will ruin the cushy arrangement they have going on. Why upset the dynamics of their life, when the leading a double life suits them just fine. They want all the perks of a slave who cooks, cleans for them, takes care of everything, while they get to pork someone else. Hey, the best of both worlds for them.

  • Truth = fact or reality
    Infidelity makes truth hard to find
    My cheater confused perception (It’s true love, I wasn’t happy for a long time, You and the kids will be fine without me) with reality (It’s infatuation/addiction , You BECAME unhappy after starting the long term affair and betraying us, and finally WE ARE NOT FINE)
    But I also denied this truth: He SUCKS.

    I discovered the FACTS in January ’15 (two year affair with co-worker 26 years younger, got her pregnant, had abortion,LIED, begged me to stay with him, went to marriage counseling where he tried to “make up his mind”, LIED,kept getting back with her, ADDICTED TO THEIR KINKY SEX AND LOVE OF PORN, finally I kicked him out in February after seeing a phone message from her indicating they had been looking at houses together, he begged to reconcile, then he told me he needed a few more weeks to decide which of us he wants etc – SO HELP ME GOD.


    • TiredChump, you really do! Don’t wait any longer for your heart to catch up, don’t waste one more minute on his lies. You deserve better! And I was a lot less tired once Crap weasel was gone!

    • He definitely sucks!!!!!
      No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.
      Embrace it’s warmth and it will show you the way.
      Put one foot in front of the other and leave.
      It’s time for you to live your life for you.

    • +1 …This is exactly what I heard too, and in January 2015 as well. I kept eating those shit sandwiches until May ’15 when he left me and our 4 kids.

    • Tired Chump: No contact separates facts from fiction. It is the ONLY WAY to clarity then sanity. You have any entire nation to help you step by step. Please take that first step and call on CN when you falter. We will not judge.

      • TiredChump… if he got her pregnant, he’s having unprotected sex with her. If they both like kinky sex and porn… and he’s having unprotected sex… he’s bringing all that back to you and your life.

        Is he worth dying for from an STD?

        You are worth so much more.

    • “Infidelity makes truth hard to find.” What? The truth is right in front of you. He had a two-year affair with a whore, knocked her up, and continued the affair to this day. What else do you need to see before you pull the plug? Why are you waiting for him to “decide” who he wants? Why are you hanging on thinking you can work through this and at the other side, will have a decent, faithful man???

      Get a lawyer. Sever contact. Today.

    • TC, wow sounds familiar! My XH (grandfather daddy) 53, and his 23 yr old whore, are having a baby! Really soon!
      This is a freak show and bizarre!
      This cheap trick (good band)is 3 yrs younger than my daughter and 1 yr older than my son. My grandkids are 4 and 2.
      My son has dismissed his dad and my daughter, not so much! However, my daughter wants no part of the daddy issued girl, his scumbalina is truly delusional at best! He “the predator” she “the criminal”.They deserve each other! Throw away 27 years Peter Pan.
      Yes, this is a sad story but a true story.
      I am nc with moron man, for you reap what you sow!
      So I pray you find your power to shut all contact down for the sake of your mind and heart! This truly helps. Trust he truly sucks!
      This community of real people on CN, have and continue to give me major awakenings to the shennanigans, charades of these freaks of nature.
      Stay on this site! Read archives, over and over. Turn to this site to help “turn the page.” Yes, it takes time, but you have to start somewhere. I know this is gut wrentching shit! This site still helps me to cry, get angry, feel good, stay focused, and most of all feel my worrh!
      I love this support from CN, it gives me a sharp kick in my ass when I read and read again!
      Please remember Patience and no contact will help. It’s not in anyone elses’s time but yours!!
      Do this for YOU!

      • As long as you’re in contact, he can gaslight you, manipulate you and keep your brain on hopium.

  • After I sprung mine he said “Face it, it hasn’t been good for a long time”. No shit Sherlock! That happens when one person puts time, effort and money into other people. As I saw on the internet recently, “The grass is greener where it is watered”. I am watering myself now & have no desire to have anything to do with the disordered gardener I look forward to divorcing.

    • I got a version of the same thing…”You can’t be happy either.” Yeah, it’s hard to be happy when your husband is traveling constantly with another woman and won’t talk to you about anything. Being left alone for days on end…barely getting a phone call from him. Just a text as he got on the next plane. Cell phone records showed he’d talk to OW for an hour between flights, then text me before he got on the plane. But it was my fault because I wasn’t happy. I guess it all boils down to “which comes first, the chicken or the egg?”

      • Lyn, the reason cheaters can talk so much is that they are at the same level of (im)maturity. Ex and whore’s conversation consisted of complaints, bad jokes, making fun of people, negativity. I could barely talk to him for those exact reason but she are it up with a spoon. Also, in real life people expect you to take action, not just complain about the same shit over and over. It’s mindless immature babble, nothing earthshattering, believe me.

        • Uggghhh! Early on in this whole cluster fuck, when he was doing the whole “The three of us can all be friends” game, I wound occasionally attempt to socialize with him and his Ho-Worker. Hanging out with the two of them was absolutely mind-numbingly dreadful. They gossiped, talked and played with their phones like a couple of fucking junior high girls. They bitched about the office, complained about their coworkers, talked about their fave’s on Instagram. I kid you not that talking to my now 12 year old niece was more interesting than trying to have a conversation with them. She at least reads a fucking book and isn’t just an asshole. Of course when it was thrown back at me that I didn’t even pretend to be interested in the things that he liked (i kid you not, his Instagram followed bunnies, chubby cats, and strippers)… I of course tried to pick me. But I remember thinking “that’s because you are a 40 year old man with the maturity and interest of 15 year old girl… and I don’t have the maturity and interests of a 15 year old girl.” But apparently his whore did because she was just to important to give up.

          What is it with these folks and the actual emotional and developmental regression? I remember thinking that when we married at about 30, one of the things I liked about him was that he knew how to have fun, but didn’t need to get hammered all the time. 10 years later he’s trying to force shots down my throat like I’m a god damn freshman coed and not answering his phone because he’s out getting drunk with the guys at the bar. He no longer cared about anything except his phone, facebook, his texts with his whore and drinking. He actually regressed. It was so fucking weird.

        • Anita Thanks for clearing that up. Phone records showed narc and OW on the phone A Lot! I was like – what could a 48 yo man and 22 yo have to talk about so much? Especially since they work together all day? But since he was having tantrums like a 5 yo child I guess it makes sense his maturity level is low.

      • Our reaction is always the problem. After fucking up our single marital counseling appointment (the one he begged for because I told him I wanted a divorce), and only TWO months after D-day, I was supposed to be healed, or he himself wanted a divorce. He wrote me, ” I cannot be happy with a Tempest who is broken, defeated, depressed, and continually angry.”

        I responded by filing pro se, 9 a.m. Do I seem broken now? ; )

        • Yes, I had the same reaction from cheater, Tempest. He didn’t intend to “allow” me to “dwell” on his “misdeed”. That was all behind us because he said so. Only it actually wasn’t. They were still making plans to fulfill their bucket list and giggling together on the phone.

          It was a two year, double life misdeed. And he was exasperated that it was taking me so long to process it and grieve. He SAID he was sorry! Like three times! Shut the fuck up about it already. You’re ruining our future! Let it be in our rear view mirror! I’m afraid you’ll ruin any chance we have for happiness!

          He started that immediately after D Day.


          They have such AUDACITY!!!!

  • AND BTW, I found CN in July 2015, bought and read Tracy’s self-published book and felt strong, I followed advice on getting post-nup — but then veered off into RIC land because I didn’t want to hurt my kids with knowledge or affair or separation/divorcer (lots of stuff online said they’d be ruined……)
    I then stopped coming to CN I felt it was undermining my attempts to reconcile……and proceeded to really, really loose my way.
    So newbies, even if you don’t know where you are going….stay on this board to stay strong. It could save years of your life.

    • Been here since dec 2013 you guys saved my life and sanity. I will always be here as long as this site is here. Helps me forward and i hope i can help the newbies. Destruction of trust is a life altering experience o believe we never quite get over. Love you all and thanks traci for the safe and best place to be!

      • “Destruction of trust is a life altering experience..” This hits the nail on the head and is the biggest reason trying to reconcile is so futile. They say true forgiveness is absolutely necessary but also 100% impossible. That leaves anyone attempting it in a horrifying never ending loop of failure.
        Oh the humanity.

        And as far as the keepers of he truth you cannot handle? Meet the business end of my mallet. I feel people like this should be condemned to fight it out in a Thunderdome style cage match.

        • Well said ugh no. I have a huge metal hammer myself and not scared to swing it. Im a great target shooter and indeed to learn cross bow while i will never use them to inflict harm having an expertise in target shooting and cross bow should give some food for thought. If i was much younger i would give mma a try. Hee hee!

        • “They say true forgiveness is absolutely necessary but also 100% impossible. That leaves anyone attempting it in a horrifying never ending loop of failure.”

          I was caught in that horrifying loop till I realized it was an impossible task, and just let go of it all. I’m not overly religious but when I was caught in this loop, I kept whispering to myself “Let go and I will bless you.”

        • Ugh no–I concluded the forgiveness is for myself not recognizing what he was. I do not expect to forgive him. He continues to reach out to hurt me.. hard to forgive when that’s going on…I just want to reach meh and not give a poop about him.

          • Sadlady15 i will never forgive asswipe ever! But i have forgiven myself and i dont give two shits whether asswipe lives, breathes or dies. He fired me no longer my concern.

  • I heard that quote too, and I just rolled my eyes.
    I followed Chump Nation’s instructions about confrontation by being completely calm so when I got that line all I could say was “really? I’m sitting here calm as can be, exactly where are you doing with this?”
    *insert dead eye stare here*
    This, my friends, is why I don’t talk to fuckwits.

    Oh, No Contact, you are my divine guiding force!

    • So true….but after 33 years or 60 percent of my life with cheater, NC was almost impossible for me. I needed his counsel on kids/house/job/finance stuff – and had to “share” my day just to stave off loneliness — but in the end, it just prolonged the pain. I also deluded myself into thinking “contact” — would change his mind…………………..
      Here’s to a my new divine guiding force – thanks AoK

      • I hear you, TC. After 30 years, I was just very accustomed to sharing my thoughts, events of the day, the kids news, and so forth each day. Even when I was completely angry and done with him, I would still do it in a fairly friendly way out of shear HABIT. No contact works in part because it forces you to break that habit. I have not been doing as well as I would like … I still find myself typing emails to him with news and helpful tips as he learns to cook for himself, do laundry and manage his affairs. I usually come to my senses and delete rather than send. Gray Rock is harder than you would think. But we can do it!!!

        • Change his name in your address book to “Do NOT Text or Email.” And make yourself go 30 days without helping a cheater manage his affairs.

          • OMG, Dixie – THIS->>”I still find myself typing emails to him with news and helpful tips as he learns to cook for himself, do laundry and manage his affairs.”

            I’m so glad to hear I’m not the only one. It is such a habit after 36 yrs to share something great with him when I’m feeling good, and yep – I write that email.
            And, yanno what? You’d think I’d get it after 6 emails sent and none of them replied to.
            Fucking DOH me.

            No more! What was I thinking?

      • Tired, don’t be too hard on yourself. It took you less than 18 months to conclude the marriage can’t be saved. You knew, while you were lost in the RIC weeds, that there was another path you could take. And here you are. Now get to work on the idea that you “need” counsel and attention from someone who is abusing you. The process of learning to stand on your own will make you ever mightier.

  • My idiot said that he could not return to me because I didn’t trust him and he couldn’t live like that! Duh well what did he expect. On another note I was watching my sweet daughter and her boyfriend who are so in love and pondered upon why cheaters seem to embrace a different ‘love’. It isn’t sweet, it is over intense, there is massive decent involved, it is almost pathological in a psychotic kind of way. I can’t put my finger quite on it but it has a very different aura to it. ( aura is the wrong word but I can’t think of the right one)

    • Polly, there is something called False Love, and also Limerence. There are articles and a couple of books on it. It’s really fascinating, and it helped me understand a couple of my past relationships with total losers that I classified as True Love. False Love (which isn’t love at all) is based on chemical reactions and dysfunction and sex, basically. The good thing is once it leaves you, it’s gone for good. I had that exact experience. My high school boyfriend was a complete lying cheating turd. I was “in love ” with him for years. Until one day it just snapped. In one second. I said “Anita, what the hell is going on here? What do you see in this loser? “. I never felt one iota of Love for him again, and was puzzled why I ever did. It was wonderful, although I kind if missed that type of obsession, which I never felt again for anyone. Except Cheater for a short while, after he cheated. It is very bad stuff, not true love.

        • Anita, I have to agree with you. Limerance, fantasy and obsession! My Ex would boomerang from me to Schmoopie constantly. This went on for months and he could only stand actually being away from her for six to nine days at a time! He could leave the house in the morning for work and seem perfectly normal and fine, then I would get a text telling me he just HAD to leave me. I noticed he would have this almost animal like, deer in the headlights, fearful look on his face. Almost like a drug addict who needs a fix in the worse way! It was honestly scary! But I’ll tell you what cures limerence, fantasy and obsession…… Let them have each other! Nothing cures their idealization of the object of thier affection like a good dose of reality!

      • I found this quote on a Psychology Today blog about narcissists (if I remember correctly).

        “Real intimacy has to do with trust, understanding, and feeling understood. People who are intimate—and I’m not talking about sex—reveal vulnerabilities without fear that what we share will be used against them. Intimacy relies on safety, patience, mutuality, respect, constance, and no secrets. Without healthy self-disclosure at the right time, there can be no intimacy. Intensity, on the other hand, has to do with secrecy, lack of trust, high drama, fear, lack of boundaries, and disrespect. Most of all, it serves to distract each person from working on their own issues.”

        So, cheater “love” is not love at all. It’s infatuation, limerence, lust, whatever you want to call it, but it isn’t real love, which is characterized by safety, security and stability.

        • So true-narcs absolutely thrive off of high drama which is why marriages that started as affairs usually do not last, one or both of the partners will grow bored. Also has anyone else ever noticed that narcs will change personas every so often? I’ve seen one narc go from upstanding Dudley Dooright to tough biker guy to trying to look like (I swear to God) the top guy actor on the “Vikings” series and just recently he was sporting some hair style that was totally bizarre but I’m thinking it has to be some character from some TV show or movie. This goes a little above & beyond just trying to get attention.

          • Indeed, high drama is the name of the game for many cheaters.

            It took me way too long to learn that my X saying “I love you” really meant “you make me look good…”

          • Ragnar??? Those eyes of his are a gift from the universe but what man today would want to look that way? Sheesh!

            • Ragnar, that’s the one!! Only this guy does not have Ragnar’s looks or blue eyes. I guess he thinks the tattoos and shaved head made up for it. This was about a year ago, he was bulked up like crazy and now just the other day he is now very skinny with a weird do and not dissing gay men but I have to say he went from tough guy look to a totally gay look. Anyway the many transformations over the years are quite fascinating and he is a known narcissist.

        • Blessingindisguise, what a great passage to share here. I like the distinction between “intimacy” and “Intensity.” When we get down about the X and the AP have a “great life,” we can remember that whatever sparkly thing is going on, they don’t have intimacy because (as we know all too well), they aren’t capable of “safety, patience, mutuality, respect, constance, and no secrets.”

          But what really hit me was the part at the end: “Most of all, it [intensity] serves to distract each person from working on their own issues.” So all that sparkly exciting stuff serves the Cheater and the AP as a distraction from their own issues. Thus it’s highly unlikely that they are going to “get better” as time goes on. But staying stuck with these stunted emotional types keeps us stuck in their drama and intensity and prevents us from working on our own growth.

          In the end, it always comes back to “leave a cheater, gain a life” and “no contact.”

  • Mine didn’t tell me the truth because “you would be mad and you’re scary when you’re mad”. Translation: “you are a normal human being who would react to this breach of trust like a normal human being and I can’t have that because I feel all uncomfortable when someone even hints that I’ve done something wrong. So I just pretended I never did anything wrong.”

    Seriously I’m so lucky our son is three years old right now because I can compare their behavior and see how much they are alike. Really the three year old is better at sharing and being affectionate and having appreciation and enjoying the moment than cheater ever was.

    • Sagefemme – exactly the same for me and my cheating STBXW. And my 8-year-old daughter is, in many ways, more mature than her cheating mother ever was.

  • I can’t handle the truth?It gonna hurt like fuck but ya, I cant take it. They can’t handle the truth. Cheaters know there are potential consequences to lies….to avoid the consequences or fall out they lie ….and turn it on you ‘ you can’t handle the truth’ Ahhhhh….No ….Fuckwitt… You cant handle it Coward.

    • Because they are SO entitled that they should be able to live a life that is outside The Law of Consequences.
      Wonder if they can live outside the Law of Gravity?
      I know a tall building I’d to show MoFaux from the rooftop!

      • I love science! Let’s try the Gravity experiment; I’ll offer my X. (But do we really need a control group? Can’t we just test all of them?).

        • Science is the coolest. One teeny modification of ‘The Method’ ~~ I agree,Tempest, NO control group ~~ just this one, little time. All cheaters welcome to our experimental group, fear of heights notwithstanding (specially trained assistants will provide support for them). No filtering of applicants. Again, just this one time.

        • Science rules! No control group, but maybe a “# of year of marriage/chump cover ups” or “# of kids” as co-variates that impede gravitational pull?

          • I’m pretty sure we could devise a “Level of Suckitude” index to determine its effect on rate of falling.

      • My cheater was very adept at avoiding consequences. I’ve lost count of how many speeding/parking tickets I’ve seen him weasel out of over the years, and it is a point of pride with him. His personal goal is to not pay any at all, no matter how deserved they are. I understand, no one wants to have to pay a traffic fine, but he’s extreme. His buddies are in awe of his ability to elude.

        Now I know that it wasn’t just the fines he intended to avoid. It was all consequences. Charm and intelligence and manipulation skills perfected over a life time.

        He said it was a personality thing. He just couldn’t do that business of rebuilding trust; he wasn’t cut out for it. He was fine with simply demanding that I trust him again, and outraged that it didn’t work out that way. I think about the look on his face when I doubted some assertion he was making.

        “You’re calling me a LIAR!” he fumed.


        Two years of a double life? Other previous cheating uncovered after D’Day?

        It takes a real tool to be self-righteous after that.

        Tracy’s Naugahyde Repentance post was very helpful to me.

        • Finally realized, speaking of parking tickets, I just remembered the weaselly way MoFaux behaved at 4 way Stops. He always felt entitled to barge ahead of his turn. No matter that it threw people off and could have caused an accident. He never did encounter a consequence for it. Damn, I wish there had been 4 way Stop Police to haul him away. Far, far away!

          So, you called cheater a liar? You must have made a mistake.

          He was a fu*king liar. Accuracy is important.

        • Wow finally realized were you married to my stbxh. He was exactly the same. Weaseled out of many speeding tickets never pays tax, hides his income (so no spousal support for me), cheated twice that I know of but still demanded that I trust him and when he left he said I am too negative and don’t trust him !!!

  • Polly, you are completely right, it is enmeshment and drama. It is projection and fantasy and not based on ‘seeing’ the other person at all, just wallowing in the admiration they see reflected in the other persons eyes. Of course this can’t last.

  • OMG!! I know this game!!
    1. I lied cause I didn’t want to ruin Christmas ( this particular affair had been going on over 2 years, so I’m guessing a Christmas had been ruined along the way)
    2. I’m not cheating, but I might as well be if you are going to accuse me.
    3. She’s just a friend, but you are so jealous I had to put her in my phone under another name.
    4. I don’t lie, I just can’t tell you the truth cause you don’t know how to not be crazy.
    5. My favorite in the early stages of the divorce…..
    “This is why we can’t talk, you always want to rehash the past.”
    I could do this all day……

    • Ah yes … the ole “rehashing the past” thing. My cheater referred to it as “ancient history” and wanted to know why I kept bringing up old lies when we were clearly discussing an entirely new and different lie. The answer is because I knew I had never been told or learned on my own the truth behind the old lies and I was still trying to piece them all together into a coherent truth. Now that I know the full truth (30 year homosexual affair with best friend from high school), I no longer need to keep bringing ancient history up because it all finally makes sense. He was always very annoyed that his old explanations and faux remorse never quite got him total dispensation. Asshole.

      • A 30 year sexual homosexual affair with a best friend?? OMG, what is that one, Frankie and Gracie? What a huge fucking lie. When you’ve been married as long as I and realize, pretty much for sure, that your X is gay, it’s not that easy to take, although had I learned of this years ago, I would have forgiven and left him long ago. The fact he USED me for a BEARD for 36 years is what really pisses me off!

        • I meant to say, IF I had learned of this years ago, I would have left but he needed me for a cover. Also, I am not blaming him. I blame myself for putting up with a completely one-sided sex life for him for that long. WTF is wrong with ME?

    • Oh, the old “why are you rehashing the past” line! All.the.damn.time. “The past” may be three weeks ago, but I can’t argue that it isn’t past, because it is! Another version of it: “That was the old me!” The old you of… last month? Cheater is all amazed at how hung up I can be on things that happened DAYS ago.

      • Cheater narc ex’s explanation, these days, when I’m pissed off at something he JUST DID; ‘oh, I know you have a lot of anger about what I did in the past (the cheating and lying)’. NO, fuckwit, I’m pretty much over that. It’s what you do NOW that pisses me off NOW.

        So when he was cheating and lying he wouldn’t take responsibility for that, and now that he’s just being a pain in the ass, he won’t take responsibility for that either.

        But I’m supposed to believe he’s changed so much!

    • The old, “That’s in the past!” argument/excuse – I heard that one a lot after the first two D-days. She would act as if she had already apologized and made amends when she hadn’t done either. All of these excuses are just attempts to justify their behavior. And in the end, there is no justification for cheating, so they have to make us into monsters. So glad to be rid of her and well into meh. She is his (AP #4) problem now! Well, except that she is still my problem when it comes to my kids. Ah the joys of breeding with a fucktard.

      • Yes. The day before yesterday is beyond reach, in that great PAST which they want to leave behind, whilst repeating the same behaviors today.

        And pretending that apologies I was waiting for had already occurred.
        “I DID apologize for that!”
        Really? When I was out of the room? In your sleep? In the fantasy land you call life?

        If he said it, then it must be true.

    • Seriously lmao on this “the past” references today! Me: Any others you want to tell me about while I’m giving you a chance to come totally clean. ExAhole: No, I swear it is just the one affair. Me: Really – I just got off the phone with “insert another OW name here” in “insert one of his frequent work travel locations here”, ExAhole: Oh, well, that has been over for some time! Me: HA HA HA HA – I see – for some time. Since you spent the weekend there a week ago! So glad that is the old you, and yes, I should stop focusing on the past! Dumbass – I had 18 months of phone/text records and put a name to every number – was easy to see the patterns and identify a new chump every few months, overlapping the main OW and others. Most all didn’t even know me and my kids existed!

  • Shortly after D-day, I told him, “I gave 14 yrs of my life to you and this marriage”. Him: “I gave 14 yrs too!!!” Ummm….no, no you didn’t. The truth is that you took from me for 14 yrs. while you gave your dick and our money to whores. I was blindsided with the truth, and I’ve accepted that he’s a lying, cheating fuckwit. I’ll gladly give him and his dick the freedom to roam forever in fantasy land, I will however, be taking a good amount of his money with me into the land of reality.

    • Yay for you!!! I am attempting the same thing. Even if I fail to get the full financial punishment I seek, I take a certain satisfaction in knowing he is now living in a one bedroom apartment with roaches, has traded his luxury vehicle for a base model stick shift with rubber floor mats, and is schlepping his washing to a coin laundry. And while he is enjoying the freedom to drink, do drugs, and hang out with his gay fuckbuddy, I have a suspicion that the grass is not all that much greener. The lying and deception made it all a lot more fun than it now actually is. I hope, anyway!

      • Me again. Sorry for using “gay” as a perjorative. I have absolutely nothing against homosexuals … I am just angry at these two particular ones for their lies and deceit. I need to really be mindful of using hurtful phrasing when I vent. Sorry again.

      • Dixie, yep…it’s all shit and giggles to them until attorneys get involved. We may not get all what we deserve financially in order for us to start over, but what we gain in freedom and the knowledge that the grass they perceived as being greener turns out to be field of weeds.

        • Same boat, Dixie, only mine is still on the down low with his BFF and God knows who else, while most likely pursuing a new beard to cover for him.

            • “Sorry for using “gay” as a pejorative.”

              Is there something wrong with that or is there another word?
              If your X was cheating with a transvestite, and I’ve heard many do, we sort of shorten it to Trans.
              I hope any gay people weren’t offended either, but when your supposedly heterosexual spouse of 36 yrs, which you find out on your own because of detective work, is gay, or trans, or anything in between, and lies for that long to you. (He’s still not out of the closet – old farm boy) He’s got issues, not me. That’s all I know.

              • There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! There is however, something very wrong with the fucktards that take advantage of a good, honest, loving heart!

              • And, for the record, I’d definitely like to see the name ‘GAY’ banished. It’s what my show dog is called from ancient dog shows – this bitch has a ‘gay’ tail, and cannot win because of it.

                Surely, we can get another name for this?
                It sounds like it comes from dog shows if you ask me!

                I’d like to see something more appropriate like, ‘human in a relationship’.
                It never occurs to me to start out a conversation by saying – I’m hetro…but this happened.
                Like, why do you need the ‘but’?

                We’re all human.
                And, I find the term gay and bitch misused, as it really applies to dogs.

                I could say – hey I’m a crazy, single, abandoned ‘hetro’ wife who feels foolish that I stayed married to a man who had different sexual ideas he kept secret (being gay), but really, where does that get you? We just pulled the wrong relationship straw.

                OK, so, I’m off my soapbox about this.
                I have no clue on what we should name ourselves.

                Hetro – whatever the hell that means to a cheater.
                Or, Homo Sapien, whatever the hell that means to a cheater.

              • I have an ‘old farm boy’ as well, discovered after 44 yesrs of marriage he is bi or gay. Serial cheater.. We have been sepsrated for close to two years and as far as I know he is not dating women. I am struggling with the years of lying and cheating and me having no clue. He is struggling with trying to continue to stay in the closet now that the beard kicked him out. What a mess he has made of our lives.

              • Shechump – whoa – I too found out my ex had been with a Tran – coincidentally the timing was immediately prior to him having same day emergency surgery for a baseball sized hemmorhoid – when he never had problems like this before! And – based on the photos and his bone structure was a questionably young one – so where is that next step of risk and perverstion beyond that? That was a fun month when me, his mother and my whole family took care of him after his surgery over the Christmas/New Year holidays. All the while we thought he was up in bed and soaking in tub recoverinng he was sending pics to his multiple OW. Yup – I got the pics. D-Day was 1/19 that year and I tossed him out same day when I thought it was just the one 2.5 yr affair – who knew the nastiness and double life I would eventually uncover. Ten months later I showed pics and phone records of this Tran discovery to him at our last meeting (along with every other nasty video, pic and woman’s name I had spoken to -and the company credit cards that showed he stole time and money to support his affairs) – then went NC and demanded he sign the divorce papers or my attorney would present it all in a brief to the judge and it would become public record). Not my issue now – certain the current wife (#3 chump) is being told what an evil, unfair, unforgiving bitch I am just like I was told about the first and has no clue she is for cover and impression managment. Funny that the first and I are good friends now that we know we were totally both chumped. Difference between #1 and me – technology and my grade a sleuthing skills!

  • My fave blameshift of this type was uttered by cheater narc when he was making #2 or 3 of multiple attempts to get me to consider taking him back. He’d invited me for lunch and made it clear it would be a date. I queried whether he was still in a relationship with Schmoopie. He waffled a bit, then confirmed that he was. So I mentioned that he was clearly still a cheater, as he was trying to cheat on her with me, and I wasn’t interested in dating a cheater. He carefully explained that when he made attempt #1 at getting me to take him back, he had told Schmoopie beforehand, and while she understood, it was painful for her. He couldn’t do that to her again!

    To which I replied; you’re doing it to her again, only this time you’re hiding it. (Didn’t even mention that this was what he’d done to me with Affair #2 – Schmoopie herself.)

    Their twisted thinking is pretty damned impressive. And clear evidence of how pointless it is to explain things to them or try to understand their reasoning. Their ‘difficulty’ understanding why anyone would be honest, caring, etc is just like their ‘difficulty’ thinking straight about the lying etc. It’s ALL self-serving!

    • Mine told me he was “in a dark place (after I kicked him out) and thought he MIGHT be a bad person.” MIGHT??? I almost laughed in his face! I am attempting to not talk to him anymore but I will definitely clear up that uncertainty for him if I do. After I get a settlement signed of course.

      • ‘Mine told me he was “in a dark place’. This is eerie. One evening 3 yrs ago, X said the same thing to me. I sort of laughed. He wasn’t the dark-side type of person. I never really asked him about that comment. Looking back, he definitely had dark thoughts and that’s the first I realized he was hiding something of himself from me.

        And, speaking of being married to a gay man for so many years, and pleasing him sexually – to find out he cheated with another woman (making her another beard), it floored me. I thought he’d finally come out of his ‘darkness’ and the closet and was sure the affair was with a man. It hurt more that it was with a woman.

        He couldn’t wait to see Brokeback Mountain in the theater, then bought the DVD and watched it about 5 times more.
        (must have been he could relate growing up in the wilds of Montana)
        And, was it really the piano player at the gay bar he kept dragging me to ‘listen’ to the piano guy?
        I have many examples…but looking back….hmmmm.

        Doh is me. He was such a charming husband.

  • I heard this too. I wish my response had been more rage and less pathetic sobbing and vomiting. Oh well. Thankfully, with the right people supporting me, I did immediately throw Asshole out, secured a truly terrifying attorney, and filed for divorce. Talk about rage? Asshole went nuts! How dare I file? How dare I hire the nastiest pit bull attorney in my major metropolitan area? How dare I shove his shit into black plastic garbage bags and change the locks? If you are unfaithful there are consequences. So really, who can’t handle the truth? Me or Asshole?

  • You are wrong, CL. What they tell you aren’t actually “lies”, they are only ” little white lies. “. They are for your ” protection ” so your little sensitive feelings don’t get hurt. And so you don’t feel “insecure” and “jealous” over that special secret Friendship your husband has with some whore. And if you don’t ask the right question , like “Did you stop at a whore’s house on your way home?” they don’t even have to lie!! Because you didn’t ask. There are only direct lies, no lies of omission, don’t you know? Like court, it’s all one giant technicality.

  • They lied about it, because *they* couldn’t handle the truth. They didn’t want to suffer the consequences. So they kept the cheating hidden and lied about it, so they could continue screwing us over. While they figure out how to carry out a a plan that serves their interests. Instead they turn it around and yeah, we’re the assholes for not being able to handle the truth.

    • Excellent point, Kellia, about how they are the ones who can’t handle the truth, classic narcissist projection. I’ve posted this here before but it relates to that thought–my X once whined to me about how hard it was on him, knowing that I’m the only person he’s ever met in his entire life who doesn’t like him. So of course he has to lie, lie, lie, to himself and everyone else, about his lying cheating ways because then . . .sob! . . . they might not like him anymore.

      They’re all such pathetic, delusional little babies.

      • We ‘can’t handle the truth’ like they can handle it, because while the truth changes nothing (emotionally and compartmentally) for them, it changes everything for us. Mine told me I wasn’t strong enough for him to be honest (me: I’m actually begging you, just tell me the truth); and also ‘I don’t want to give you more shit to deal with than you’ve already got’. It turned out he was the shittiest thing I had that was holding me back, and when I could not take one more day of secrets and gas-lighting, not one more lie…D-day was a huge relief (yes even with the grief and devastation at letting go of the fantasy)…the peace of living honestly, the peace of not having to pretend anymore that all this crap was normal in a relationship, not having to pretend that shit sandwiches taste good.

        • Here’s the truth they can’t handle: that they are lying, manipulative, immature, and untrustworthy cheaters.

  • I love the meme today… I filed adultery for my cause of action in the divorce. In NJ it means very little relative to support, alimony, etc. He won’t sign-off on it because Victim #4 doesn’t fully realize that he was committing adultery (thus making her an accomplice). He wants me to back down. I’m refusing. I will spend whatever it takes in legal fees for the TRUTH. I’m so tired of the years of lies and gaslighting and mindfucking.

    Victim #4 is threatening to sue me in civil court for libel. She’s such a dimwit that she doesn’t realize that if all I present is the TRUTH, it isn’t libel. And, she can’t handle the truth anymore than Mr. Sparkles can.

    They deserve each other in their own little distorted, misty-colored Unicorn-filled world.

    And, I (and my son and my step children) deserve the truth.

    • Is Victim #4 a complete idiot? or delusional? She knows you’ve filed for divorce, and she had an affair with your (current but STBX) husband, but she didn’t commit adultery?

      • LAJ – yes, I do believe she would test on the idiot scale, even though she has a Masters degree. She also has no concerns with his past (he’s walked out on three women/six kids… and was recently outed on Adult Friend Finder). Her head is so far up her ass because she it utterly afraid to “be alone”… she’s also 10 years younger than Mr. Sparkles and was 6 years younger than her XH, so safe to say she has unresolved FOO issues with her Daddy.

        But, she’s the Victim… I’m causing “interference” by charging them with adultery.


        • Accountability!! I love it, accountability is to cheaters what water was to the Wicked Witch of the West. “I’m meeeelllllttttiiiiinnnnnggg…..”

        • Your X is a lot like my grandfather–left 3 wives, 6 children and 2 stepchildren. When he left the last one (who was younger than my mother), he tried to badmouth her to me and I was done with him and told him so. Stick to your guns. There are 6 kids who will benefit from the truth being on the record.

    • Please icanseethemehcoming don’t spend the money seeking the truth yes you deserve it but you won’t get it from the disordered. I am the victim of substantial financial rape and i am giving up on seeking the truth on the advise of my bulldog lawyer. She is trying to backdate the sale of my company shares (for $1) to protect me from any liability. That is the best I can hope for in order to avoid $40000-$60000 in forensic accounting fees. Fair? NO! But it will lead to freedom, far more important than wasting years of my life trying to get the truth when he had years to hide it…

  • OH, and I loved this nugget… after I caught him posting personal ads, he replies,”It’s not like anyone has responded.” ergo, it isn’t cheating. (Hand smack to forehead.)

    • It doesn’t matter no one responsed, he posted the ad with the *intent* to have sex with someone else. It’s like attempted murder, he didn’t murder anyone, but you still get charged with a crime if you tried to kill someone but didn’t succeed at it. Fuckwit.

    • That is awesome. I will show it to my lawyer because she told me that there was some discussion in family law about whether the behaviour of a spouse should affect the outcome of the divorce proceedings. I think about infidelity as theft (of marital assets spent on purchasing pussy) and fraud (this is not the husband you thought he was – it was a huge misrepresentation). Why the hell wouldn’t infidelity/adultery be considered in determining the division of assets and/or the custody of children?

  • Years ago, after lying about dinner and gifts he paid for, supposedly company business that he chose not to put in for reimbursement, I got “I didn’t tell you because you’d be mad”.

    Here’s a thought. Don’t drop thousands of dollars on other women in the first place.He knew it would piss me off and did it anyway. That’s the real problem.

    I didn’t leave him then, because I still couldn’t believe he’d actually cheat on me though. Now I think he probably was cheating back then. Oh well, at least I was married to a high functioning narc and the additional years I spent married to the fuckwit resulted in a more lucrative settlement…. I can’t get back those years of my life, but I could get half our shit and the rest of my life back.

  • One of the most painful things John hope said to me on dday was “I can never look at you the same way again that’s why I don’t want to try to work on our marriage” as I was sobbing and begging for my life.

    • You should have been telling him that line! If he cheated on you, then you can’t possibly look at him the same way again, have any respect, admiration or trust towards him, and the marriage is over. You can’t work on the marriage, because it’s dead, gone. Unbelievable that he tells you that line, idiot.

    • That’s part of the devaluation. After they’ve lied and cheater and broken your heart, they further abuse and devalue you be respecting you even less because you are human enough to feel pain.

    • Calm, I was thinking about when the x called me and said that he wanted to meet a couple of days after d-day. He said to me, “I was going to ask you back, but after you opened the door, I knew I couldn’t.” He was never going to “see me the same way”. I’ve always wondered why I just didn’t punch him in the face at the time. They are so cruel. He goes on to say that he went and “broke” things off with her, because he didn’t want her to lose her kids, like he had lost his. “Lost”, he didn’t mysteriously lose his kids, he threw them and our family away. Freaking psychos.

  • My ex told me I always made him feel like he was walking on eggshells. He couldn’t tell me the truth because I was too sensitive. I suppose this is another version of “I didn’t tell you because you can’t handle the truth.”

    He told me he looked up some ideas online to improve our marriage but none of them worked (since he never TOLD me what was bothering him). It’s kind of funny because I BEGGED him to talk to me about whatever was going on with him for YEARS, but he refused. Clammed up. Turns out the cell phone records showed he was using all his words with the OW and had none left for me. However, when D-day hit, it was my fault he was leaving because he couldn’t talk to me. With him it was always Catch-22.

    Emotionally, he’s about as deep as a teaspoon.

    • I always said he had about as much emotional depth as Elmer Fudd and I was Bugs; “Yeah! I kiwlt the Wabbit! I kiwlt the Wabbit.. The wabbit kicked the buck-et, the Wabbit kicke….. wait a minute… WAH! THE WABBIT KICKED THE BUCKET???????!!??”

      Our counselor thought at the time it was a harsh judgement, but it was so true…

    • Yes. Always a catch. They have running scripts in their heads. You’re always the bad guy. No winning. Just ask for your lines so you can recite them. Mine too kept a shifting goal post. Things have been bad the last five years (same age as our son). We should have never gotten married. Then it was that he never said things were bad last five years. And he wants to come back. Whatever…I’ve not the energy for the drama.

      • Moving the goal posts and running imaginary scripts in their heads, are apparently the trademarks of narcs. You will never be able to “do things” to their satisfaction, because they will never be satisfied.

    • Hi Lyn, did we literally have the same experience? Because I swear I could have written your post word-for-word. They are not nice people, and we’re lucky to be far away from them. I asked mine “do you still love me, are you happy?” every six months FOR YEARS. It was always “yes, of course.” As if that wasn’t a red flag in itself…

      Then after D-Day revealed, “how could you not know we were so unhappy?” which in the acute stages of the affair revelation was the emotional and psychological equivalent of being punched in the face.

      HIS affair was MY fault because 1) I was studying at university, 2) at times I have flare-ups of anxiety (which I was managing with medical and psychological support whilst his issues… what issues?), because 3) I hoped to move interstate together to be closer to my family.

      YAWN. Different narc, same old story. I know now that it’s not me, it’s him.

      Luckily, I know better now. My days of untangling the skein and pick-me dancing are well and truely over – never to be repeated with him (or anyone) again.

      Best of luck to you. We’re better off without them. I would rather be alone and happy the rest of my life than in another dysfunctional relationship ever again.

      Here’s to leading happy healthy lives, free from mindfuckery, triangulation and lies.

      • PS – funnily enough, my anxious symptoms are a LOT LESS pronounced now that I no longer live life with a lying, cheating, sulking, manipulative, financially-irresponsible manchild. Making great progress with help from my family, pooch, doctor and psychologist.

        Life is much calmer and happier on a daily basis, despite the same everyday challenges. Coincidence? I think not.

        New chumps, take note. It will get better, eventually Leave your cheater and move forward with your life!!

  • This post comes at such a perfect time. Last night I got an e-mail from my cheating, NPD uncle who told me his sad sausage for me, played the greatest hits (“our marriage was dead for years”), then slipped in at the end how he planned to use my address to commit insurance fraud. I shut that shit down quick, but OMG!!!!!!!!!!

  • I didn’t get that he lied to protect me, oh no, I was MEAN and I might get ANGRY if he told me he was have chatroom sex with any woman who flirted back or fell for his I’m a feminist pickup lines.

    He couldn’t tell me the truth see, because I might not accept that he was a poor scared woodland creature who needed me to assume love at all times, even when he was looking me in the eyes and consciously and intentionally lying about his cheating.

    I can accept the truth just fine — he is terrified of actual authentic intimacy and liked having a soft harem of online fuck buddies because sex had no component of intimacy for him. He was incapable of intimacy. I totally accept that as true. The lie was him pretending to be a real person.

    • The Entitled One is another one of these feminist cheaters. He’d go on FB rants about our misogynistic culture, soak up all the kudos from his female friends, then return to his porn and his sex ads and his other women. Guess he just loves women too much, huh?

  • When I confronted cheater about his continued lying about the affair, he shrugged and said “Well, I started and then that led to more lying to cover the original lies. You know how it is…” Um, no, I sure don’t…

    • Oh, and “I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you.” Because fucking bar whores and then having a year-long relationship with one wouldn’t hurt me at all. Grrrrr…

  • After I discovered The Entitled One had lied that he went to a bar and concert alone when actually he was with a woman (D-Day #3):

    Me: “If you’re just friends, why did you lie?”

    Him: “Because I knew you’d get mad. And you wouldn’t want me to go.”

    • yep, i got that all the time too… i dont want you to get mad… he told me that in the end. i said how the fuck am i not suppose to get mad that you are fucking some hood rat while i stay at home watching the boys. how the fuck am i NOT suppose to get mad when you are telling me that you are leaving me… i am not mad i am just very very hurt…

      he STILL did not get it

  • Oh yes, I got many versions of this blame-shifting when STBX got caught. The main three: “I never felt good enough for you”, “You were always so suspicious” and the crucifying “You’re so judgemental I knew you couldn’t accept me for who I am”. Chumpy as I was (am), I took all these criticisms to heart and sank deeper into depression. I berated myself for being so flawed that I had messed up my marriage and caused my husband to suffer in silence. I joined COSA and, even though it was some help, the literature also pointed to my flaws so I foolishly apologized to STBX and asked for his forgiveness. In his mind that only justified his entitlement and made things so much worse between us. His emotional abuse escalated. COSA neglected to educate me on the manipulative tactics sex addicts use against their partners. Turns out STBX couldn’t even tell his own therapist the truth. It had nothing to do with me. Thank goodness Chump Lady and Chump Nation is giving me the education I should’ve gotten in High School to keep myself safe.

    • towards the end, Gollum was not coming home every weekend. either Friday or Saturday night he would stay out all night long, i never knew what he was doing, he would never answer my calls or texts. never say a word the next day… i had no clue wtf was going on with him. i was hurting and frustrated and confused as hell… so my SON decided to take it on himself and have a son to dad heart to heart talk…. (how sad that is huh… my SON thought he needed to sit DAD down and have a talk with him about his fucked up behavior)…

      Gollum actually told my 20 year old (at the time) that “since your mom is accusing me of doing it, i might as well do it”.. … … like the dumbass i was i was STILL confused on what he was saying BECAUSE the ONLY thing i was accusing him of AT THAT TIME was NOT COMING HOME!!!!! of course Gollum thought i was suspicious about him cheating. and his guilty conscious was hitting him… … … but typical chump that i was, taking it at face value and wondering how my accusing him of NOT COMING HOME… was a bad thing…

      it literally took me months afterwards to figure out what he was referring to that day… when he tells you who he is believe him… but probably was i couldnt hear him since i was so busy making excuses for his behavior…

  • I got that line too….so many times! I am happy to report to Chump Nation that I have finally reached meh this Tuesday! Saw my Judas on Friday and spoke to him, kissed him hello without even a gram of feeling. Total indifference! All thanks to the wonderful support on this site. I couldn’t have done it without you. Now to meet with my attorney today to see about money without feeling like shit! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • My husband is moving out next week. I though I was ready for this but it does really hurt. I find myself really sad today. What frustrates me the most is when I try to get him to open up he tries to act like he is so deep and tells me ” You do not understand what I’m going through”. He makes it all about him. I wonder when is the last time this man told me the truth about anything. I will be glad when he does move so I can start moving forward with healing my shattered heart. I already have divorce papers ready to serve him once he’s moved out. I just pray that one day I reach the point of meh that many of you mighty chumps have. Thanks for the daily encouragement.

    • Hi Noel. I just went through this 3 weeks ago. It is really tough and I’m sorry you have to go through it. When they move out, that last chance at some sort of a miracle is finally gone. They really do suck and they really do need to go. Waiting for the departure is actually worse than when they are gone, but the first week after is hard too. Just know that and be prepared … it is like child birth … just let the wave of pain come knowing that it won’t last forever. And unlike child birth, the waves will gradually get farther and farther apart. Good luck. Life will be better on the other side.

      • ‘…chance for some sort of miracle is finally gone’, yes, and it’s painful. Unicorns are pretty and it would be nice if they were real. Chocolate is yum and I wish it was good for me but sadly it isn’t. For me, I got to week 6 after he left, still crying every day, things still hurt so much and I wondered ‘when does this start getting easier?’. I trawled Chump Nation for a magic formula e.g. Years of relationship: weeks/months mourning. Everyone is different. Some chumps spoke of grieving for two years, more. I decided that day (a Tuesday) that I was going to leave my sadness and grief right there on the spot and walk away from it. Every minute from then on would be one minute more of separation between me and that grief. The next day, crying at the kitchen sink, I told myself it was ok. My crying eyes just hadn’t caught up with my new mindset. Each day it got a bit easier. It may not have been THE Tuesday of Meh, but it was a shadow of a Tuesday to come. You can do this!

    • Noel, you are at the hardest part right now. It hurts, it’s agony. I remember literally thinking I was going to die when I was at the stage you are at now. But here I am, still alive five years after the end of bogus reconciliation. My life is better than ever. You’ll be okay as well, but I’m not going to sugarcoat it….. you have to walk through hell first. Just remember what Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” That’s the only way to get to the other side.

  • MoFaux, as it turns out, could not handle the truth! He told me (in the email that ended our 22 yr ‘cohabitation’ (I can NOT call it a relationship anymore) that “I wanted to talk about our situation for some time, but I just get so emotional about it and can’t because the only logical scenario is that we would break up and I wasn’t prepared to accept that.”

    Could that statement be anymore about HIM? I’m not even in the equation. Assholery at its’ finest.

  • When I asked direct questions about hidden cell phones, keys that didn’t belong to our house under the mattress, and the large cash withdrawals from the bank account, Wasband’s reply would be, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” The other gem I’d get about his 2 to 3 day absences from the home with no word from him was, “If I don’t take care of myself first, I’m no good to anyone else.” He was ‘taking care’ of himself at the AP’s apartment. I don’t think I need to comment on the lunacy of these comments to anyone here.

    • Ucello, the lunacy is sky high, eh? My cheater narc ex actually said he thought he’d be a better husband and father, because the affair made him happier! WHAT THE FUCK???????

      • KarenE, the whore was “improving” my marriage. Yes, indeed. She “liked” us being married, I’m good for him. Blah, blah, blah.

        He was her Rent A Husband. Hope his rates were cheap cause he’s not worth a damn cent, husband or otherwise.

        • Yeah apparently my ex wrote me love notes THAT HE TOLD HIS APS ALL ABOUT. WTF this invasion of my privacy that I didn’t even know about! They knew he was in MC and one even told him this was going to end badly, but they still got their EA/erotic times on.

          Oh I can accept the truth of that just fine, and end any connection to him. That’s the real reason why he lied, control and knowing I would leave him and his sorry cheating ass.

    • Mine’s version of “If I don’t take care of myself first, I’m no good to anyone else” was “If I’m a happier person, we’ll have a much less stressful home for the girls.”

      • Mine was using the others as ‘ top -up’ sex. We were having sex 3-5 times a week baring illness, recovery from delivery,etc. He ‘ needed’ it every day. Matter of fact told me if I had been screwing him every day he would not have had inclination to go after others. I’m all for sex. But if you NEED to have it every day , you have a problem. It is not fucking air or water! You will not die! It was an unhealthy obsession if ever there was one. One that led to him blowing up his family and his own life. Well now he gets it when he can or his favourite porn and palm. to be just creepy and I wanted to avoid.

    • “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.”

      Because they stabbed you in the back and not in the front, you’ll be fine.

    • Oh my giddy aunt… …i got the “What you dont know wont hurt you” shit all the time…

      or mostly he was know to tell my CHILDREN that “what your mother doesnt know wont hurt her” right after he would tell them “Dont tell your mom!!!” … … who the fuck does that….

      apparently what i didnt know was that he was a lying, cheating, betraying, sneaky, immature, selfish little asswipe snake… … … once i found that out i was done….

  • Reminds me of my ex and his, “I see no reason to even try and work on this marriage, because you won’t accept me without a job.” The problem isn’t that he threw away a good career to become an unemployed, homeless bum who lost our marital home to foreclosure and filed bankruptcy…… no, the problem is that I expected a 50-year-old man to be able to pay half of the rent. And that’s not even getting into the staggering level of infidelity throughout the entire marriage.

    The disordered bend logic into a pretzel to avoid personal responsibility or self-reflection. Both of those things burn them to the core, like a vampire seeing the sun.

  • We should have a Billboard 100 of all time Cheater top hit singles….
    Since they play in a continuous loop anyway… Imagine the ditties…

    #1. “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” – by Fabio Sad Sausage
    #2. “You can’t handle the truth, Baby”- by Earth, Wayward and Fire
    #3. “You dropped a BOMB on me. Baby” – by The Crap Band
    #4. 867-5309 (?!?!?! ) – by the “I don’t know any 867-5309” band.

  • The disordered bend logic into a pretzel to avoid personal responsibility or self-reflection. Both of those things burn them to the core, like a vampire seeing the sun.

    Authenticly happy to be relieved of such mindfuckery, but not at meh yet. No emotional intelligence = red flag. Note to future self.
    I also got the “didn’t want to hurt you” line, but that didn’t stop him lying, cheating and stealing.
    Such a fucktard that thinks he’s so magnanimous.

  • satan accused me of all kinds of stupid shit. Shit that I know he knew was just shit.

    1. You hate my family.
    2. You really hate my mom.
    * – 1 and 2…I took care of his family whenever and with whatever they needed…including taking care of his mother for over 10 years BY MYSELF…despite her alcoholic abuse…and then again 25 years later after she had a stroke…all by myself…he was no help.
    3. I go to work and you are out screwing 1/2 the county!
    * – 3 …wait…what? I have a full time job outside of the home and…when you get home I place a healthy, hot, HOMEMADE meal in front of you within seconds of you sitting down…so…when do I have time to do that EVEN IF I WANTED TO?
    4. I am sick and tired of everything being what you want!
    * 4 – …huh? What? …whatever I wanted or even just my opinion of just about everything was ‘That is stupid! You can’t do that!’ …so…yeah…ok satan…what you said.

    …then…months later when he started tryin to suck me back in I get:

    1. I will buy you a horse.
    2. I will buy you 2 horses and a dog.
    3. I will build you a house.
    4. I just love to watch you fish.
    5. You still want a 4-door Jeep?

    …and when I asked, ‘Why did you meow at me?’

    “I don’t know Jeep! I just GOT FUCKING BORED!’


    Yeah…fuck these guys. Run, don’t walk to your better life!

  • Right this minute I am watching a Dr Phil show from 2010. Nice looking, middle class couple. Soft spoken man. Cheated on his fiance’ with this woman, who had no idea she was the ow. She got pregnant so they married. Broke up so he got his ex-fiance’ pregnant, then reconciled with his wife. Now cheating with another woman. She is his backup. He is totally serious that he needs complete 100% attention. Soft spoken self centered man whose wife is crying on stage. Dr Phil wants to know why she is letting the husband make the decisions. No wonder it is so hard to recognize narcs. This guy comes across so low key but listening to him is giving me the creeps. His wife does not give him 100% percent attention and the ow, who texts her how ugly she is, does. Eeeewwwww

    • “This guy comes across so low key.” Why isn’t she looking at his actions, which show he’s a colossal asshole. He certainly isn’t low key about his actions. He knocks up this woman WHILE married to someone else, then marries the OW. Then reconciles with his ex-wife, and cheats with another woman. So that’s 3 women already he’s collected in his harem and the wife does’t see she’s being royally played? And the OW is texting the current wife saying how ugly she is and he’s letting that situation happen, instead of defending the mother of his new child. Really??? on what planet is this acceptable, whether he’s soft spoken or not.

      • I have a younger male cousin who fell for a soft spoken girl like this. She was cheating on him left right and center, and she had 2 kids by 2 different men, that she never married. She was on welfare, and she didn’t have time to take care of one of her 2 kids, so she shipped one child for her mother to take care of. And all my cousin kept saying is how soft spoken, mild mannered and sweet she was. I let him know in no uncertain terms what I thought of this whore.

      • Kellia, I got so disgusted I turned off the tv. Dr. Phil never called him a serial cheater but that is what he is. He was taped before the show talking about how much attention the ow shows him and how they have sex and he can’t remember when he last had sex with his wife. He says he can only go a few days w/o seeing ow so he calls her. Dr Phil told the wife he was a cheater long before she met him. He also asked her if she loved who she thought he was instead of who he really is. The guy just sat that teary because he wasn’t sure which woman he wanted the most. Then!! Then Dr Phil had that woman on who said her husband’s affair was the best thing that happened to her so I turned off the tv and went shopping.

    • My ex is very skilled at coming across as the nicest guy you’ll ever meet when it suits his agenda. Narcs are good actors, their entire life is a movie about themselves playing inside their head and starring only them.

      • GladIt’sOver, thank you for your insight. How true. They are truly Oscar-level actors. And they do live inside their heads, often completely oblivious to the outside world.

        One thing that happened to me over and over: I would be in passenger seat, exH driving. He wouldn’t even SEE that the car in front of us had brake lights on, was stopping. Or even SEE exit signs. He would say, “I was thinking about something else.” That is, thinking about himself and his internal movies.

  • Ok, so Cheater, there IS some truth that I cannot yet handle. It might break my heart to learn what could have been. Fortunately, I avoid those thoughts and accept reality.

  • Some of you guys are lucky. My ex paraded his OWhore around our small town, so EVERYONE KNEW. The only “confession” I had was on D-Day I asked “Why her?” and I must have caught him at a weak moment, he replies, “She does what I tell her.”

    My response, “Nacho (a 22 yo boy who worked for our farm) does what I tell him to, that doesn’t mean that I am doing him!”

    He was raised to believe he does nothing wrong and you don’t admit you are wrong, therefore the affair only existed in my (and the whole small town’s) mind.

  • He lied because I couldn’t handle the truth. He cheated because he couldn’t handle the sensation of ever having a dry dick. He stole because he wanted money. He abused because he liked seeing his wife and child in pain. He left because he wanted new victims.


  • I got this crap also, “This is why I didn’t want to tell you cause it would hurt you.” Bull! You didn’t tell me because you knew I would go ballistic! It’s as if they believe you should listen to thier bull and weak excuses for screwing around and then look at them and say, all meek and mild mannered, “oh! Okay Honey. I totally understand.” Seriously! What assholes! In what universe do they honestly believe this. These fucktards are very aware that what they are doing is wrong and besides, it’s no fun if it’s not a secret anymore! It just sucks all the excitement out of sneaking around. And then of course they have to face real consequences for thier actions! Puts a damper on an affair!

    • Asswipe sees nothing wrong with cheating. I told him he should ask whore juice for an open marriage so she could fuck other guys too. He said no way he could handle that! All his women fuck only him he would dump them immediately no questions asked if they screw someone else i guess only the KING gets multiple partners. Just dump! Ah cheaterspeak the double standard! Fucking piece of shit motherfucker! Small bow i feel better now!

  • Let’s see. I read “I lied because you couldn’t handle the truth” as “I lied because I was too afraid to tell you the truth” or “I lied because I didn’t want to tell you the truth (because you’d divorce my ass and I’d lose a chunk of my retirement).”

  • My whore fucker always told me that demise of his first marriage had a lot to do with his first wife’s “anger issues.” I didn’t give it much thought. I’ve always been a pretty happy-go-lucky person…. unable to hold a grudge, always looking for the fun and good things around me.

    After discovery, and lots of false R, we were in a courtroom because I requested sole use of the marital home. One of the first things his lawyer asked me was if I thought I had anger issues. Oh my. I said “Well, if you’re referring to my getting angry because I found out my husband has been visiting prostitutes regularly for the last 5 years, and if you want to call my anger about that an issue, then I guess the answer would be yes.”

    A few minutes later, when the judge informed my husband that he had a week to vacate the marital home, but he would still be responsible for the financial upkeep of the home and all the bills until the home was sold, he suddenly came down with a serious case of the “anger issues” himself. Funny that, huh?

    So, yeah, it’s not so much that I couldn’t handle the truth….I think I handled the truth pretty well. But sorry about the anger issues, whore fucker.

  • From the () former husband: “I lied to you because I was already in enough trouble…” Still have not gotten my mind around that one.

    • Dianne, that’s outrageous! Reminds me of the recent CL post: “Who said it better: Cheater or child?”

  • i remember that Gollum would always tell me that he didnt tell me because “He knew i would get mad’ and “he didnt want to make me mad” umm…. so if you are doing something that you KNEW would make me mad then shouldnt that be your first CLUE that you shouldnt be doing it?

    of course i was also “never happy with anything he did” and i thought i “was better then everyone else”

    no mention no the THINGS he was doing that i was never happy with or the lies, sneaking and hiding, stealing, drinking and cheating that he was doing that i would be mad about…

    Gollum was like a little manchild, babyman… all he wanted was to do what he wanted to do without any accountability, or consequences. why would i get mad if he is out spending all his paycheck on alcohol and drungs and having a wonderful time with all his friends. NOT thinking of the wife and children he has at home… we were no fun. we were boring. everyone has a right to be happy, GAG!

  • I can just imagine all the fuckwits writing in with these bullshit explainations. But why, I wonder.

    This is the truth I have come to accept.

    1. He can’t find anyone attractive and intelligent.
    2. All those lies he told her to put me down are unravelling.
    3. He believed I would continue to fight for him.
    4. He led a double life as a pathological lying serial cheating narc sociopath
    5. He’s right where he belongs with a slunT with no morals, money, looks, class, or character.

    The whore is too dumb to figure out he expects her to support him every year from March through August while he is in his dating cycle.

  • Oh yes similar to “I had to lie to make you happy!” WTF!! This during wreckonciliation when the most important requirement from me was the truth! !

    • Nothing makes a person happier than being lied to. Think of how happy you could make people if you just lie a little. Tell your relatives that you won the lottery and you’re going to give them each a million dollars.. let them spend the money, then hope they don’t find out the truth or they’ll be sad. Make another lie, tell them the money is being held up but you’re going to get 2 million now.. keep repeating that to make them super happy.

  • My loving POS says during mediation that I should never have told our sons that he had affairs. Chumpy me got all apologetic. My lawyer says something along the lines that mediation is about division of assets and let’s get on with this and then chimes in with “telling the truth is better than lying”.
    The look on his face was priceless.
    By the way … I know we mediated; should have lawyered up. But in the long run he may have rooked me only 20K (I had all the bank records) but I did not have to spend any more minutes, hours, days or months seeing his ugly face.
    By the way, my sons both think he was an asshole prior to any “allegations of impropriety”.

    • My favourite line from him after I told him I read every one of his disgusting Ashley Madison emails left on my eldest son’s laptop “I never meant to hurt you” um no he really meant “I never wanted to be found out”

  • Let’s see. I couldn’t “accept the truth”. It would have been nice if at any time, in our 22 year marriage, I would have been told the truth. But, NO, I did not get the truth, I got lies, I got gaslighting, I got blameshifting, because I was just sooooo mean. There is no good way to tell a “mean” person the truth. There may be consequences, there might be repercussions, there might be getting thrown the fuck out with the clothes on your back for doing “this” again. How can we expect for the truth to be told if pesky chumps might want “truth”, but will only react with “outrage” and just plain”meanness” and possibly “consequences”!!!!!!

  • Cheater ex’s version was he couldn’t tell the truth because of my “fuck you attitude!” After finding out about his cheating, I developed a fuck you attitude when it came to him. Then I was the horrible bitch that was victimizing him at every turn. Consequences, baby…. consequences!

  • “I DIDN’T WANT TO TELL YOU, BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T COPE!” geeee whiz… these losers. dumped him on the spot.. as if I can’t cope without a loser in my life!

  • The prior conversation about the mild mannered man on Dr.Phil struck a chord with me. I burst into a hotel room where Schmoopie and the Ex were meeting up. I admit I was REALLY pissed, but Schmoopie was calm as a cucumber! She acted as if this shit was “normal”! Never broke a sweat, no shaking, no defending herself, just stood there packing up her overnight bag like everything was normal. My Ex started mimicking her calm, soft spoken habits as the affair continued because he said he “admired” her for that trait! I told him that after reading a lot of material on sociopaths and psychopaths that she was more than likely in that category. Sociopaths don’t get upset. They just want what they want and they generally will put their own safety at risk to obtain whatever the “prize” is! They DO NOT feel emotions on the same level as most people. They are just wired wrong. This idiot on Dr.Phil is on some level in the cluster B category. Anyway, I warned my Ex that as soon as the sociopath has extracted from thier prey whatever it is that they need, they will walk away as if it’s no big deal because to them it is NO BIG DEAL! And lo and behold, she did dump him with no emotion at all!

    • They do not have emotions like on the same level as other people. I found my husband’s notes from rehab from 15 years ago. (That’s where I met him and like a dummy thought it so great how he was changing to be a better person so we had a child and got married. Came from nothing to building up to having a house, good jobs, dogs, and toys and stuff. He’s been gone 4 months living with OW from work. I am at peace now loving being alone working on divorce). In cleaning out back room I found this journal. He admits to being a predator, only knowing how to use people because he doesn’t know how to relate to people or how to love. Didn’t know if he’d ever know how to love someone. It’s about him. It’s about him feeling good and being right. If someone opposes him then he will use intimidation and threats to break them/hurt them, get even with them. Women are objects. He described acting like he liked the same things a woman liked to get them and then once he got them it was like he got the trophy and then the controlling and abuse began. Sadly, because my mom was a narc much of his subtle and and sometimes not so subtle emotionally abusive behavior I was used to so I just went with it. It was familiar but inside I knew something was wrong. Him leaving is the best thing that could’ve happened. I grieve for our daughter who is confused and hurting over this, but now I can show her how to be strong and not put up with abuse.
      I am so glad I found this journal because it helped me come out of the shock and denial. They are unable to care for other people. They can’t do it. Their justifications and rationalizations are so ridiculous because they do not have empathy. You cannot reason with them because all they know is manipulation and mind fuckery to get what they want. They are about drama. The tantrums he threw like a child. So gross. They want to look good with the big house, big new truck, fast bike, trophy infatuation – but all that stuff only leaves them more empty as it doesn’t really fill that hole and they are discontent and angry. So they are usually drinking and using, too. But, yeah, using people and walking away is NO BIG DEAL. But if you do that to them or if they even perceive that you did that, they will come at you with a vengeance.

  • Recently told my closest friend about two incidents that Ex lied to me about. They were really, really stupid things that he had to know I would find out. 1) He gave away his (expensive) dog to a co-worker of FuckBitchWhore, but told me he was leaving him with friends of ours while he was on vacation; 2) he told me that our kids knew about his “girlfriend” but when I mentioned her in a neutral way to my kids, they had no idea what I was talking about.

    My friend’s response: “Maybe he lies to you because he knows you have trouble with the truth.”

    You can imagine she lost some value with me that day.

    • She sounds like a real genius. Yea, people lie to hide the truth from you because they know you’d freak out if you knew you were being screwed over. I wonder how long it took her to connect those dots.

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