Boy, the Universal Bullshit Translator is getting a lot of bullshit submitted this week. This one from “deepn” whose wife just wants him to understand that, hey, it’s not about sex with other men, she just needs “emotional intimacy” from other men. And freedom. Or she’s going to DIE.
I would like to propose that the next cheater who threatens to off themselves if they don’t get cake? Hand them a fork and a tub of frosting and tell them to dispatch themselves at once.
No one’s got time for the Sad Sausage self-pity channel. Oh, and another public service announcement — if your cheater seriously threatens suicide? Call 911 immediately (or whatever your emergency number is), tell the authorities, and have them admitted for an involuntary psych evaluation. If they mean it, they get the help they need. If they’re trying to manipulate you (which is 99.9 percent of these threats, in my opinion)? They’ll never try that shit again. Let them spend 72 hours in a psych ward meditating on that #mindfuckfail. That’s a 72-hour head start to get the hell away from them.
Now to the UBT.
I don’t need sex from other men,
… I just choose sex from other men and lie to you about it.
I need a chump. Why have a partner when you can have a triangle (rectangle, dodecahedron)? It’s the high of deceit and superiority I’m after.
I have that from you and it keeps getting better.
Yep, the sex is so awesome that’s why we’re discussing John.
This is me throwing you a kibble — I like sex with you! — to throw you off the scent. Now take your kibble and don’t ask any more questions.
It’s amazing, unbelievable how we connect that way.
It’s amazing what a chump you are. By “connection” I mean “swallow my bullshit.” #unbelievable
But we need to take some that intimacy and transfer it into emotional intimacy that I feel we never had.
Intimacies are for transferring. Just like STDs.
John gives me that emotional intimacy that opens something up in me that I feel is dying inside of me.
John opens me up. Something is dying inside of me. #smellsbad #raccooninfestation #closeyourlegs
(The UBT apologizes. But hey, I didn’t write this imagery. It was SENT this way.)
If I can’t get that fulfilled in our marriage this pattern will continue.
If I don’t get that intimacy fulfilled in our marriage by John, this pattern will continue. With Bob, Larry, Walter, Phineas, Gustave, Alastair, Karl…
Either that, or I’ll die.
I have tried to explain this to you and I don’t know where else to go with the topic.
The reddit cheater forum? SI Waywards? SadSausagesRUs.com?
I was young and in love with you and I married you.
Another kibble! I chose YOU to marry! Aren’t you fortunate?
And I have not left because I didn’t want to hurt you.
I have not left, because you’re still of use to me! Like that paycheck. Consequences suck.
But I’m going to continue to hurt you if we can’t figure this out.
I’m going to continue to hurt you the longer you tolerate my bullshit.
My cake-eating and unhappiness is such a complicated problem! It’s like trigonometry! If cosine meant “narcissist.”
You have to set me free within the marriage and let me tell you everything.
I get off on your pain.
Deepn — set her free, without the marriage, into the freedom of the Serengeti. When the hungry lions come, tell me everything.