Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: “You have to set me free within the marriage.”

set-them-freeBoy, the Universal Bullshit Translator is getting a lot of bullshit submitted this week. This one from “deepn” whose wife just wants him to understand that, hey, it’s not about sex with other men, she just needs “emotional intimacy” from other men. And freedom. Or she’s going to DIE.

I would like to propose that the next cheater who threatens to off themselves if they don’t get cake? Hand them a fork and a tub of frosting and tell them to dispatch themselves at once.

No one’s got time for the Sad Sausage self-pity channel. Oh, and another public service announcement — if your cheater seriously threatens suicide? Call 911 immediately (or whatever your emergency number is), tell the authorities, and have them admitted for an involuntary psych evaluation. If they mean it, they get the help they need. If they’re trying to manipulate you (which is 99.9 percent of these threats, in my opinion)? They’ll never try that shit again. Let them spend 72 hours in a psych ward meditating on that #mindfuckfail. That’s a 72-hour head start to get the hell away from them.

Now to the UBT.

I don’t need sex from other men,

… I just choose sex from other men and lie to you about it.

I need a chump. Why have a partner when you can have a triangle (rectangle, dodecahedron)? It’s the high of deceit and superiority I’m after.

I have that from you and it keeps getting better.

Yep, the sex is so awesome that’s why we’re discussing John.

This is me throwing you a kibble — I like sex with you! — to throw you off the scent. Now take your kibble and don’t ask any more questions.

It’s amazing, unbelievable how we connect that way.

It’s amazing what a chump you are. By “connection” I mean “swallow my bullshit.” #unbelievable

But we need to take some that intimacy and transfer it into emotional intimacy that I feel we never had.

Intimacies are for transferring. Just like STDs.

John gives me that emotional intimacy that opens something up in me that I feel is dying inside of me.

John opens me up. Something is dying inside of me. #smellsbad #raccooninfestation #closeyourlegs

(The UBT apologizes. But hey, I didn’t write this imagery. It was SENT this way.)

If I can’t get that fulfilled in our marriage this pattern will continue.

If I don’t get that intimacy fulfilled in our marriage by John, this pattern will continue. With Bob, Larry, Walter, Phineas, Gustave, Alastair, Karl…

Either that, or I’ll die.


I have tried to explain this to you and I don’t know where else to go with the topic.

The reddit cheater forum? SI Waywards?

I was young and in love with you and I married you.

Another kibble! I chose YOU to marry! Aren’t you fortunate?

And I have not left because I didn’t want to hurt you.

I have not left, because you’re still of use to me! Like that paycheck. Consequences suck.

But I’m going to continue to hurt you if we can’t figure this out.

I’m going to continue to hurt you the longer you tolerate my bullshit.

My cake-eating and unhappiness is such a complicated problem! It’s like trigonometry! If cosine meant “narcissist.”

You have to set me free within the marriage and let me tell you everything.

I get off on your pain.


Deepn — set her free, without the marriage, into the freedom of the Serengeti. When the hungry lions come, tell me everything.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. So, since I’m nothing and she’s lost me then she’s truly free. And thankfully so am I! And BTW – I was young and in love and I married you and never fucked anyone else, not after the first time or the second time or now even after the third time. But three times a loser….

    Thanks CL!

    • deepen, you’re not a loser. You are a decent human being who meant your vows, honoured your commitment & tried to give your marriage a chance even though you were abused. I am glad you have made the decision to leave. My discovery was only in January & I feel lucky that STBX husband didn’t want reconciliation. I am free, relaxed & happy. Now go get your STD testing & continue to move forward (also document everything, separate bank accounts, get a lawyer etc). Good luck.

      • Thanks Kimhopes, I know I’m not a loser. But I do now proudly own the chump in me. Nothing wrong with that, it helps me move forward with dignity and as much humor as possible. That’s really the best part of ChumpLady – seeing the absurdity of it all and laughing. In the ‘God works in mysterious ways’ category I’ll leave you with a song I re-discovered several weeks before D-Day while going through a case of old CDs. Maybe the style isn’t up your alley (the band Fishbone is a fusion of rock punk, ska, soul…) but the words are perfect for us all. ‘Lyin Ass Bitch’

      • Welcome to CN deepn! I’m so sorry you have to go through the pain of untangling yourself from your cheater, the bullshit is strong in this one.

        I am glad you found CL/CN, CL’s advice is right on as always, and yeah the UBT is working overtime this week…

        I hope you have filed for divorce already, and I pray you didn’t breed with her. Divorcing an entitled cheater is very painful but necessary to preserve your sanity and rebuild your self-respect. Keep forging on deepn, the higher your days of NC and the number of times you refuse cake to your deranged STBX , the closer you’ll get to Meh!

    • “I was young and in love and I married you and never fucked anyone else.” That’s my story too. It’s the epitome of the difference between integrity and narcissism. Good luck deepn — your life really is just beginning again and after all the pain there are wonderful times ahead of you.

      • The sad sausage version of this was “…I work with all women.” So do I MFer. But I don’t jump their bones. Although there is this one guy that ohhhhh how I wish…….

        • I got the “I work with all women”, too. Actually he doesn’t, but he only seeks out the women all day for constant adoration and Narc supply.

    • Deepn- So sorry that you are having to endure such horse shit and mindfuckery. Cheater’s excuses for destroying someone’s life who they swore to love are pathetic and even laughable. Glad you are getting out. You deserve better! You are MIGHTY! Chump Nation has your back. We are all on the same path to “meh”.

  • She’s a nutbar. Seriously. Biggest load of BS ever and anyone listening to that should be thrilled with the thought that divorces exist.
    On the topic of suicide, my ex tried that lots, even going missing for two days after texting me he was going to kill himself. The police were looking for him when he finally came home (unharmed of course). Next time he tried it was when I got an emergency parenting order to stop him taking our toddler. He again texted suicide notes but when the police found him that time they called his BS and warned him to stop contacting me.
    The manipulation of these people knows no end.

    • They are all nutjobs. There is definitely a cheaters handbook out there somewhere. My cheater also pulled the, “I want to kill myself” ploy. But instead of calling me- he told his family who then begged me to call him even though I was insisting on no contact. My ex would never touch a hair on his head- he LOVES himself too much. Just another way to manipulate and make people feel bad for them instead of the true victims (wife,kids, family etc).

      • My first sociopath threatened to blow his brains out. Went into the bathroom and I heard bullets clinking. I called 911. He came out and set the receiver down – funny he didn’t hang up the phone – but 911 heard us arguing. Narc finally hung up phone. 911 called right back to speak to me. He gave me the phone and they told me officers on the way – I didn’t have to tell him – he might really get mad at me. They came and took all his guns. Thankfully for me he left soon after. Nightmare.

        • That’s a scare story–and a heads up for chumps who are dealing with people who are willing to use guns to manipulate or control others.

      • Oh yes, he lauded tonsuicide many times. The most recent time, I told his mom that I was concerned and showed her the text. She called him freaking out and he answered. After they talked for a couple of minutes, she was satisfied he wouldn’t do anything. Then he called me to bitch me out for scaring his mom. I told him if he says shut like that again I will not only tell his mom again, I will call the police.
        Needless to say he didn’t use that again. Instead he switched to “my therapist thinks that maybe the reason my relationships have failed and I womanize is because a woman can’t give me what I need”. My response: have you been with a man? Him incredulous: no. Me: are you attracted to men? Him incredulous and disgusted: no, don’t ask me these questions.
        Just another ploy to get me to feel sorry for him and to try to convince me he hasn’t been living with slit puppet since August and screwing her since before we were married. Smh.

      • Mine had his friends call me to tell me he was suicidal and wanted me to call him to check on him. It was an obvious ploy to break my no contact. They weren’t concerned enough to check on him so I wasn’t either

  • UBT is spot on, as usual.

    You point out something I hadn’t considered before — “This is me throwing you a kibble — I like sex with you! — to throw you off the scent. Now take your kibble and don’t ask any more questions.”

    In the mind of someone who requires this unique type of kibble to get through life, it only makes sense that they would assume others (read: chumps) need the same. We don’t — we are above that.

    Kunty Kibbler did this every now and then in various words and deeds (including sex) — when I didn’t respond to them in the way she wanted or expected, it caused all kinds of drama.

    The worst was towards the end: after catching her waiting at home for a fuckbuddy to show up in the middle of a workday (and later confronting both of them) she stood in front of me in tears saying: “I’m a cheater — the one thing I promised myself I would never be. You’re right. You’re right.” I think she fully expected me to give her a big hug and say “Oh it’s alright — now that you admit this, we can move forward.” When I didn’t, she shut down completely — a few days later, I caught her texting with another prospect and threw the gauntlet down.

    We must not be “thrown off the scent” as CL aptly puts it. It sucks that we have to be in a constant state of vigilance, but it is a necessity.

    • We married gender-reversed twins UXworld!

      Mine also most certainly thought that I would take a few days, then give him a big hug and say something like “there, there — now that you admit this, we can move forward.”

      He realized way too late how much of a #mindfuckfail that was. I divorced him and have been singing like a canary about the cause of our divorce.

      • A friend of ours told my then-H “just give her two weeks” to calm down after D-day. Mine was certainly not expecting me to divorce him.

        • Mine told me get on board with his plan or he was leaving. He was already talking to someone else but that was not what was shared. I said there was no reason to hurt the children in this way. His response to that was to ask me if I was trying to call his bluff. Wow!

          • They’re delusional. And think they are so fabulous we just can’t do without them. But they’re not, and we do ; ).

  • Gee, I wonder how much of this she thought was “missing” before she met her f-buddy?

    Dump her!

  • My translation

    Within the marriage I fart and take shits like an average wife, you see me as ordinary, but the “emotional connection” I get from strange dick makes me feel uber special.

    But we both know I need our marriage and your pay check and I can’t do the goddess thing 24/7,as I can’t hold in my farts and not shit during affair time.

    Cheating gives me the emotional connection I need, I like being told I’m awesome from other dudes. Being awesome stress me out, that’s why I need our marriage, you have no idea the relief I get when I come home to you and pass gas, burp, take a crap and put on my big underwear. It’s painful to wear the thong 24/7 and it gives me hemorrhoids. With you I can be me and with other dudes I can be the other me, it’s a win,win….for me.

    If you take away my side dudes, you’ll be taking away my awesomeness and I’ll suffer from being bloated and hemorrhoids, not to mention broke if I lost your income.

    Remember, it’s you I married, I chose you and it’s hurtful that you do not appreciate how lucky you are to be chosen….hold on…you hear my fart….that fart is for you and you don’t appreciate the significance of what that fart is an expires skin of my love for you.

    • I love this! Somehow, you have taken every gross farther he did in our marriage and made me laugh!

    • The cheaters are downtrodden in their everyday life as the miserable, bored, ever-suffering spouses of their chumps until they dash into the nearest phone booth and emerge as the Sexual Super-Heroes that they were truly meant to be. It’s Fuck-Man! Able to leap whores in a single bound! It’s the adventures of Cunt-Zilla! She never met a dick she didn’t like!

      • Cuntzilla–lmao!

        Well, you know what they say, “The only thing harder than being a saint is being married to one.” Poor cheaters, they have to endure our virtue on top of everything else.

  • Basically, you could ignore everything else that she said except for “…this pattern will continue…” and “…I’m going to continue to hurt you…” and you’ll still have all you need to know.

  • People who justify their cheating in their minds cannot get the concept that, yes, I do want you to be totally honest in the relationship, and no, total honesty does not mean you get to benefit from staying in the relationship no matter how shitty your behaviors are.

    Yes, I think that, as your monogamous partner, I should get to know about it if you start to feel non-monogamous. And, no, that honesty isn’t a free pass to obsess on and pursue non-monogamous sex.

    Yes, I think that, as your intimate partner, I should get to know about it if you feel like the intimacy in this relationship isn’t satisfying your needs. And, no, that isn’t a free pass to refuse to work on that with me and put most of your energy toward deeper intimacy with someone else.

    The fundamental purpose for relational honesty is that it opens a pathway for exploration and discussion. That does not mean it offers a free pass for an exploiter to justify fulfillment of dysfunctional and/or harmful desires.

    Discussion might lead to (OMG) accountability. We can’t have that, now, can we, Cheater?

  • “You have to set me free within the marriage & let me tell you everything”
    What the fuckity fuck ?!?!?

    Buh bye cheater pants ?

      • Hi CL, I was wondering if you could put an update from time to time on how things turned out for the people you featured, have they moved on? Did they find meh? Did they give cheater another go?

        • I don’t know. And that’s a lot of people to try and track down. I rely on the Mightiness Check Ins. 🙂

          One part of the “gain a life” thing, is people actually gain them and don’t need CL any more. A big thanks to the folks who stick around to pay it forward to new chumps, but I understand those who don’t.

          All to say, I’m not sure how it works out. My guess is, if they’re reconciling, they’re over on other boards. But I think most people who land here eventually move on and get to meh and don’t want to relive it all.

          • By the way congratulations, I saw the pics of the book signing, you look amazing and so happy!!! 🙂 Yes you’re right it would be long to get everyone ‘s update, but perhaps from time to time if someone writes to thank you for getting them on the right track it would be an inspirational story…since you end up feeling for the people featured and their plight.

            • I loved it when you had that male guest blogger some time ago. My take away from that post: I’m out being the most awesome I can be. I’m working on that and it was a true inspiration.

          • Just a thought, but even though Jackass is not even a speck in my rearview mirror these days, I learn a lot about being a better, stronger person hanging out here. It reminds me to keep my own words and deeds aligned and to take care not to move faster in a relationship than I can or should go. And as someone who has created a few fictional characters, it’s comforting to know that I could never make up that nutso stuff that so many of these cheater do.

            • LAJ

              The Limited isn’t even a speck in my rear view mirror any more. You brought that to mind today. Smile

          • I still need CL every day….but I look at it as a testament to increasing health that I don’t have to go back to archives because 237 comments weren’t enough to still the pain. Now I’m able to read other stories and feel their pain and celebrate their successes, and of course add my own snarky remarks occasionally. CN is my sanity and oasis.

        • What about if people post updates in the comments thread of the post they feature in? Granted not everyone will see it, but some people receive new comment notifications if they’re following a post, newbies often trawl the archives and some people find certain posts because their search engine directed them there. It might be nice to have the update there, in particular for people who find similarities in their situation.

      • An Encyclopedia Brittanica of Universal Bullshit Translation!! Chumps needing $$ for legal fees could sell them door to door!

  • I am truly beginning to believe that cheaters are mentally ill. I mean in a serious, these people are delusional, not dealing with a full deck way. Maybe we should petition the AMA to add it to the list of Disorders.

    • Well, cheating is a fundamentally narcissistic behavior, though not all cheaters are textbook narcissists.

      That said, the capacity for the kind of long-term deceit required by cheating, and the ability to ignore obvious consequences of cheating (financial impact, social impact, family ties, etc.) argues that the narcissism is symptomatic of a larger issue.

      My ex-BiL’s first wife told me that she was convinced that x-BiL was mentally ill. I think that CheaterX has some real mental health issues, too. Both of these brothers have FOO issues.

      But their mental illness didn’t make them cheat. Cheaters choose to cheat instead of looking at their issues honestly.

  • The UBT scales new heights. They should have one in every high school. Let’s get this shit in the curriculum. Trigonometry has its place, of course, but bullshit translation should be Required Learning. ?

    • ps My adored ex, a talented med consultant, pulled the ‘Imma end it all’ to get me back after HE dumped ME and I’d started to move on. He was three days on a psych ward cos I proper panicked and called the police. I remember the psyciatrist saying: ‘He’s desperately trying to act normal to get out of here.’ Yes I took him back.. You can guess the rest.. It involved a nuse 25 yrs his junior…

      • Rats. I have been spending so much psychic energy hoping for a literal run-in with a karma semi on the highway. Now I have to also hope he will say something even remotely suicidal so I can commit his ass!!! That would be so gloriously funny!!!! You were a good person to care and to take him back. Chumps are very admirable people, if misguided (just like me.) I hope you are now free as a bird.

    • There is actually a field of study called “statement analysis” that investigators use to look for deception in both documents and police interrogations. And of course, the UBT has a little brother, CBT (Composition Bullshit Translator), which writing teachers have used for years. A good grasp of syntax and semantics (in which there are courses at the college level) is also helpful. More to say about this below.

  • 4 years ago I watched this need for freedom and emotional intimacy with another’s husband amongst friends of mine. I was shocked to hear the wife tell me that her friends husband just needed that level of support from her as he did not get it from his wife. I challenged her on her emotional affair, and her claim to be a Christian. Freshly baptised at that. I even called her husband into the discussion as she claimed he was ok with it, sure enough his attitude and response, I’m a dude I don’t do that emotional crap, if that’s what he needs that’s ok. Because they were all “friends”.

    4 years on they are now a couple, and she openly states “my husband/ExHusband is ok with our relationship so everyone else just needs to get over it.” My friend was disrespected by the wife who expected her to engage socially with these morons and when she chose not to she was badmouthed for expecting people to take sides in her separation. That topical Jesus cheater bullshit of we shouldn’t have to choose. God forgives so should you. Why can’t we all just be friends? I got the same when I refused to play happy chump with this lot and my ex.

    But here’s the kick. My staunch Jesus cheater is as thick as thieves with this couple. The guy even stood as witness at my ex’s wedding in March. They all present that their action is the right one and the chump wife and I are the enemy as we want nothing to do with their crazy. Serious you can’t make this shit up.

    They act like they are winners.

    • It is unsurprising that friends divide distinctly along the cheater/chump line. Now I’m pretty sure that any of our friends who wants to be ‘non-judgemental’ of the affair and expects (or demands) me to forgive and reconcile is a cheater. Anyone who wants to go for a coffee and chat or who calls to see how I’m doing is a chump. So far this simple rubric has been 100% accurate.

      • absolutely 100%.
        I have started to notice that those who expect you to love your cheater and judge you for wanting to enforce healthy boundaries are either cheaters or are people who are still swallowing shit sandwiches and don’t like that you escaped and they didn’t.
        My freedom is a mirror to their captivity.

      • I agree! One of my cheaters best guy friends didn’t “judge” my cheater for what he did, said that strip clubs with naked lap dances is “just entertainment” and “didn’t want to take sides.” It makes me wonder about cheaters friend…

  • Asswipe said he only wanted to be around happy people when his mudane decript attitude can bring anyone down. He didnt used to act like this he was the most positive person ive ever known but when he hit his fifties boy did the gloom start. He only wanted someone who would make him happy. Sorry pal true happiness comes from within if your not a happy person nothing will be good enough for long. And who the hell is happy every second of every day?! Ive known some who are happy they sirvived great injury or a bad disease and are stoked on life but are not giddy, hysterical happy every second which is what asswipe seems to want. I understand change and he should have been honest still would have hurt like a mofo but i could have still respected him for telling me the truth now he just makes me sick and his pathetic attempts at friendship are just so very sad. Hes hoping i will get over myself forgive and forget embrace whore juice if they get back together (she threw him out over his attempts to be my friend but shes good friends with all her three exes) and i will love her and we will all be one big happy family! What a delusional loser. Fffuuuuuccckkkk him!

    • That is cheater-speak for: “I am the only person who gets to have problems.” If Cheater has problems, you’d better jump up immediately to provide emotional support, money, sex, entertainment, whatever else he/she feels is lacking from his/her life. If anyone else has problems, they are just being difficult and tiresome. Cheater can’t be bothered with YOUR problems. Only happy people for cheater, so that life stays easy and always focused on him/her.

      • You wrote right on the nose carol39! Anyone elses problems are nothing compared to his. Nobody works harder than he does blah, blah, fucking blah. He has compassion and sympathy but only for his customers he will listen and nod for hours why? They give him money. Whore juice she gives him money. He used to be a stand up guy and we had a pretty good life til he started sniffing for strange, hes changed into a pathetic whiney moany always complaining never happy bitch who details aches pains sleeping habits and bowel movements to the nth degree til one wants to die of boredom. But listen to me, his kids, family no time, doesnt want to hear it. The kids and family have his number now and keep their distance they know its all big daddy show off if he and them are in front of others. One on one he clams up. Thats all he cares about looking like the bestest guy, money and his slong. Of course all this distance between them is my fault. Ask my kids they will say no his fault. Fuck all the cheaters may the blue sunshine karma bus fall on them and destroy them as they have done to others. Good ridance. Fuckers!

        • Kar Marie, I understand what you mean by “one on one he clams up.” People used to think my ex was so funny, said I must be laughing all the time when we were at home together. They were always surprised to hear that he was basically silent and wouldn’t talk at home. In fact, he used to come home from trips and when I asked how things went, he’d just say, “fine.” Then we’d go out to dinner with friends and he’d have his audience rolling in the aisles laughing about his latest trip escapades. I always wondered why he couldn’t tell me those stories when it was just the two of us. I would have enjoyed hearing them. It’s like he needed an audience.

      • Ugh, this is so true! I had horrible sciatica while pregnant, and he refused to pick up our daughter from daycare because he was too important at his work, or when my mom had cancer, and I asked him to watch the kids so I could take her to chemotherapy, and he was aghast. “Really? The whole day?” He had much more important things to be doing than being a supportive husband! That is when I first had an inkling of what I was dealing with…

        • Stbx has been gone almost 5 months. Can’t see his daughter during the week or half the weekend because he’s so important at work he has to be there all the time. But he can take off work for a couple days to go to Vegas with ho-worker he moved in with. The weekend he went to Vegas was his weekend to see his daughter. Just another thing to document.

  • #smellsbad. #raccooninfestation. #closeyourlegs. HOLY SHIT!!!! The UBT is in rare form today!!! I’m laughing so hard at the visual on that!

    I love this dipshit’s tone as in “Shape up and cater to me or you’ll only have yourself to blame”. She’s obviously not very deep emotionally or intellectually. I have a sneaking suspicion that her idea of emotional intimacy is John whispering in her ear “I love your pussy” while bending her over a sink in a seedy motel. Just a hunch.

    • that little segment there practically had me on the floor in a laughing fit. I swear I will use that string of hashtags someday. I can only hope the UBT won’t come after me for plagiarizing.

      deep – keep putting one foot in front of the other and get yourself away from that crap!

      • AllOutofKibble – those hashtags are just too good not to use again!! Every time I think of it I burst out laughing! Raccoons!???

    • I burst out laughing in the middle of my quiet office at this this morning! OMG, CL, those hashtags are the BEST! Thank you so much for throwing out a lifeline of humor to people who really, really need it!

  • That was a steaming load of bullshit. The crap these losers come up with. It never ceases to amaze me.

  • I also like your Serengeti idea, CL. Just to make sure she communes with the lions, I suggest tying a couple of pork chops around her neck.

  • Well, the good news is that your stupid wife flat out told you that she intends to continue cheat on you. I don’t think it has entered her mind that she might have copious amounts of free time on her hands for all the fuck fests she can handle?. Seriously, like arlo said, she told you, now BELIEVE it. It’s hard, but don’t look back at this fucking train wreck.

  • Emotional intimacy suffers with your spouse when you’re intimate with someone else? It’s classic cheater MO: withhold from your spouse, then blame them when the thing that you’re withholding is absent.

  • “You have to set me free within the marriage and let me tell you everything.”???? I was laughing until then but that is fifty shades of fucked up even for a cheater. Wow. I *HAVE* to set you free AND listen to you talk about it? You got the first part right except for the pronoun. “I HAVE to set ME free” because you are a malignant narc who wants to rub my nose in my shit sandwich before I eat it. No thanks.

    Deepn, I’m glad you’re on your way out of this relationship. Sending you a comradely hug from an ex-Chump who is sitting in the beautiful land of Meh keeping a beer cold for you. Or wine. Or lemonade. Whatever you choose. 🙂

  • Also, she is setting you up to fail by making emotional intimacy with you nearly impossible and then demanding it while continuing to put up obstacles to her “objective.” It’s very reliable to blame you for failing when you have no opportunity to succeed.

    There is no winning when you’re set up to fail. I hope you’ve decided not to play her game and that you’re moving forward with a divorce.

    • This is brilliant: “Also, she is setting you up to fail by making emotional intimacy with you nearly impossible and then demanding it while continuing to put up obstacles to her “objective.” It’s very reliable to blame you for failing when you have no opportunity to succeed.”

    • YES! Set up to fail. She can keep banging other guys all the time, and every time say, “Well, I just wasn’t feeling connected to you again.” My Cheater did this exact thing! Every time I caught him: “You just seem so distant lately. I felt like we were growing apart.” Well, we sure as hell are growing apart NOW.

      • Yep! The DAY BEFORE I caught my Cheater out for drinks with his slut. He said the exact same thing. “You seem to distant lately……” I NEVER LEFT! It was HIM moving away from me, connecting with his ho-workers and never having time for me. BUT I WAS BLAMED FOR IT! Jerk!

  • Deepn–[Mouth agape] That is some amazing word salad of rationalization your STBX sent you. I know just the person to introduce her to–my X. The verbal logorrhea, talk of “freedom” and the abstract beauty of an open marriage. The connection they could make!!

    CL–you’ve outdone yourself with the hashtags today! “Something is dying inside of me. #smellsbad #raccooninfestation #closeyourlegs”

    • I’ve got an ex she can meet, too. He’ll do her if she holds still long enough. Oh excuse me — I mean they’ll have “emotional intimacy.”

      • I’m pretty sure my X would be okay with “connecting” with her in a bit. Right now, he’s got to focus on getting Schmoopie hooked (wait for the marriage next month). After that, he should be free. 😉

        Of course, Schmoopie has similar feelings. I wonder if I should warn my old next door neighbors that Schmoopie has a thing for married men with good incomes?

  • I so love the starting portion of this article. If they threaten to kill themselves then call 911 and get them a 72 hour psych eval. They can then sit there for those 3 days pondering about how stupid they feel about the mind fail fuck they just did!

    THAT IS SO HILLARIOUS, I will remember that one in case I ever get remarried.

  • Wow Deepn, so sorry, unbelievable crazy talk. Run away fast and far. Loved the UBT, on target and hilarious!

  • Deepn, your cheating spouse sounds like she is about 14 years old. “You see, Mom, I am actually TELLING you that I smoke weed with my friends out back behind the garage. None of the other kids are so mature and truthful to their parents. So you should be really happy at my honesty and let me continue this behavior as my reward! And when I start stealing parked cars, I will be honest about that as well so that you can come bail me out of jail. Aren’t you impressed with how honest I am?!” It would be laughable except for the extreme pain she has actually caused. I wish you a speedy trip to Meh as you deserve a peaceful, cheater-free existence. And I liked your song choice!

    • “And Mom, if you don’t give me what I want, I’ll be forced to keep hurting you by smoking more week and stealing more cars. So if I get into more trouble, it’ll be your fault.”

  • “But I’m going to continue to hurt you if we can’t figure this out.” – if this were a physical threat it would be considered malicious intent to substantially harm you and would be illegal. And even if it’s not physical, the malicious intent is obvious. It is purely psychotic. Please document this for your divorce.

    Deepn, what more do you need? She’s telling you she WILL hurt you if it means satisfaction for herself. Set her free indeed! Not only is she not your friend, but she’s declaring point blank that she is the enemy. Not only is she unapologetic, she is brazen. Her pure malice turns my stomach.

    What good qualities she may have are null at this point. This is not a person you can be safe with.

    • Bingo! This is utter cruelty. Just like when my STBX declared that he “couldn’t stop seeing her.” Of course he could. He just didn’t want to.

      And of course she could stop hurting him. She just doesn’t care enough to stop.

      Her cruelty knows no bounds. Get out now.

    • She is a special snowflake.

      But it is nice hearing other women not buying into this BS. I’ve now know a two marriages impacted by this attitude, where the (happens to be the) wife thinks she is entitled to getting her needs met outside the marriage because they aren’t being met in the marriage. In one case, the wife continued to not work, and to rely on the chump as a provider, and apparently he agreed to an open marriage. In the other case, she ended up divorcing her husband and marrying the AP.

      An entitled, arrogant twist on feminism and kept women.

        • Feminism is equal work = equal pay and the right to divorce, which used to be insanely challenging for women to get. Plus being able to own your own business as a woman. A lot of the kids today seem to think it’s about “getting a guy to wash your floor.” They have no idea the history etc.

          Two years ago I was applying for full-time work after cheater husband left me with a business that he had taken all of the funds out of to go and drink and live a vagrant lifestyle. I went to about half a dozen interviews and was asked inappropriate questions at EVERY SINGLE ONE. I was asked about my children, my family setup, childcare, and even at two “if my husband would mind that I was working with a bunch of guys?” !!!!! Like I owe a potential employer a Home Opinion Poll from my personal life as to whether I should come to work. I never noticed how misogynistic this province was until moved away and moved back.

          I’m an eight-time scholarship recipient, and yet my husband’s opinion could have been a deciding factor for whether or not I would work, in 2014?! At a Homebuilding supply center? Seriously!?

          I ended up working in a much better field for the first interviewer that didn’t ask me misogynistic questions. I jumped all over that job.

          Women that game the misogynistic system instead of treating themselves and their partners with respect just SUCK. Women (most women) before the Sexual Revolution weren’t fighting for the right to have a guy financially support them so they could screw around relentlessly. That was NEVER what it was supposed to be about.

  • OMG I wish I would have called the authorities when ex threatened to take his life. Let his ass sit in the looney bin for a while. He was all dramatic about it…please take care of the kids, please make sure they don’t turn out like me, etc. CL is right. No time for the Sad-Sausage self pity channel. BYE!

      • With my emotionally abusive ex, I did say that! Luckily no kids, but he said he was going to put a gun to his head and i said “ok.” And hung up the phone.

        • I guess he didn’t off himself…but did he call back full of crazy rage about you not caring?

  • I swear if you repeat back to these fuckwits what they say as if you were the cheater, their heads would spin and they would throw up green vomit. Mother fuckers (Sameul Jackson style) cannot take what they dish out.

    Thank you, yet again, CL, for reminding us all that leaving a cheater MEANS gaining a life….

    • I was thinking the same thing. If you turned these exact words on a cheater from the chump perspective, they’d scream “Seeee??? This is why you drive me to cheat?”

  • “And I have not left because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

    When talking about all the years and years and years and years my ex was having online affairs with young women from chatrooms … he said once he should have left. It took me several months to actually hear that.

    He didn’t say he should have stopped the online sex. He didn’t say that it was a violation of his trusting and faithful wife to be talking sex with all these many many many other women.

    He said he should have left. Because I truly meant nothing to him except someone he could take advantage of and abuse my trust to have the veneer of kids/house/respectibility while he … had online sex in chatrooms. Later in video, too — he asked and asked for the women to turn on their webcams and most apparently didn’t.

    I set myself free of him with divorce — which I would have done a year into our marriage if I new he was being sexual in email/chat then! And that’s why he lied to me, hid it, and abused my trust.

    • my husband is moving out next week. After having a 5 year affair with OW. That he refused to end. He told me last night:
      “just to let you know I will be purchasing a gun when I move” I did not respond.
      “is it true insurance companies don’t pay if someone commits suicide?” I did not respond.
      “can we be buried together like your parents?” I did not respond.
      Finally he said “you will be notified if something happens to me because I’m leaving you as my emergency contact on everything.” I still did not respond.
      We were suppose to be talking about the details of the house and finances and he kept on with these random comments. Needless to say we never got around to talking about the important stuff I needed to finalize. Then this morning he texts me “Do you want me to stop communication with you?” I text back “yes”. It is just so sad how it is all about him..him..and more him. I personally do not believe he will harm himself. He is just so use to me buying into all his manipulation. Last night I did not respond because I know I would have shown sympathy towards him. I have a long way to go to Meh…

      • What great restraint you showed! A lesser woman would have clarified that the insurance would still pay out and that you had excellent ideas about how to use it

  • All I have to offer is in regard to the Ecard illustration:

    Not only is the first line one of the most nonsensical and idiotic phrases ever made popular in l970’s American culture.

    As for the second line—RIGHT ON!

  • For some unknown reason (perhaps level of asininity) the line, “But I’m going to continue to hurt you if we can’t figure this out” made me think of the Joe Nichol’s tune, “Tequila Makes her Clothes Fall Off”. If there was an instrument, like a geiger counter, that could measure levels of absurdity this line would have an emission count so high that eardrums would break. Gak!

    Couldn’t shake it, so including lyrics for your enjoyment. Video to the right should load automatically ~~ it is not good, but Joe is nice to look at!

  • I just want to welcome you and I am sorry for your pain. I also want to comment on the “threatening suicide” comments in the above. My STBX for many, many years did this ALL THE TIME! Almost every Christmas Eve, other favorites like that. Always when he wasn’t getting his way or what he wanted from me. After I finally figured out this was plain old manipulation, I did call 911. He was stopped, taken to the hospital and evaluated. Guess what? He didn’t mean it. AND he NEVER DID IT AGAIN!

    I swear they hate consequences of any kind, like getting kicked out of your marriage after 40 years. Ass wipes all of them.

    • Sue and noel, you are both very mighty! My first narcissist ex, a longtime boyfriend I was involved with before I met X (I am a slow learner), also threatened to commit suicide if I didn’t take him back. This after I finally started to move on after putting up with years of cheating.

      Chump that I was, I took him back, accepted the job he’d gotten for me in his new city, and moved in with him. He dumped me two weeks later for his twu wuv and I had to spend the rest of the year working in the same office with him and couch surfing until I could save up enough money to get the hell out of Dodge.

      With classic narcissistic flair, as I was moving the last of my stuff from his apartment, he presented me with a bill for an expensive lamp that he claimed I had broken. Wish I’d saved myself all the trouble and had him committed instead!

  • Wow she actually threatens twice that if she doesn’t get her way, she will keep on cheating and it will be Deepn’s fault. “You must be more intimate with me and spill your secrets to me and trust me completely, otherwise I have no choice but to fuck other men, over and over again!” The sociopathy and mind fuckery is strong with this one. There is no cure other than a divorce attorney and NC, unfortunately.

    • I actually kind of appreciated that the cheater put it right out there for all to see: “I’m going to continue to hurt you.” This is true of ALL of them, of course, but most of them lead with the lie that it will NEVER happen again. If my cheater had been as blunt as this one, I would have wasted less time trying to fix things.

  • This is called Sorry Not Sorry.

    “You Fuck Good and also, it’s your fault I don’t have genuine feelings.”

    She doesn’t mention that she’s a sociopath who mimics others’ feelingses back at them. In the beginning, BH had good feelings for her to mimic. When his wife started being a whore – and things change, whether you’re aware of it or not – BH had bad feelings. She didn’t like mimicking bad feelings.

    So she found a new host- one with new, happy feelings to mimic. For the time being. When his feelings turn bad too, she’ll move on to another.

    But it’s never her fault.

  • Deepn, The lack of emotional intimacy is entirely on her! Liars/cheaters can never be emotionally intimate with anyone because they lie! She can’t trust you, will never be able to trust you, because SHE lies. If she can’t trust you then there can be no emotional intimacy, regardless of anything you do. Though I assume living with a serial cheater (and your gut is screaming at you to protect yourself) does not make you want to be emotionally initimate…! They don’t understand this – that the source of the problem is with them. Darkness’s OW was a serial cheater who told him she lacked emotional intimacy in her marriage. Darkness love bombed and mirrored her with such intensity that no mortal man could ever hope to measure up. I was actually envious of their love (palm to face)! Bletch! I will take authentic, emotionally intimate, honest relationship over fake love bombing/mirroring lies, every day. Just curious Deepn, are you P?

    • P? Not familiar with the term.

      I’ve discussed this magical kind ’emotional connection/intimicy’ with my therapist and even he’s stumped what it might be other than hormones.

  • ” If they’re trying to manipulate you (which is 99.9 percent of these threats, in my opinion)? They’ll never try that shit again. Let them spend 72 hours in a psych ward meditating on that #mindfuckfail.”


    That’s exactly what Dexter did, threatened to jump off a bridge, and when I didn’t fall for it, he played the real pity card by getting himself admitted to the psych ward.

    At the time I had location tracker on his phone (yea, I know.. 🙁 it was during the pick me dance, and he DID know about it) and watched him drive himself over one bridge sit outside of the hospital in the not-so-great neighborhood, drive himself back over that bridge and over yet another, only to finally arrive at the hospital in the ritzy, 45 minute away, neighborhood.

    I’m fairly sure that he expected to get some attention being seen in the emergency room and then be sent home.
    Instead he earned himself a 3 day stay (I’m gathering more because they thought he might hurt someone else (me) instead of himself), made worse because it was July 4th weekend, so they were working on a skeleton staff.

    I get a call from him the next day with him moaning that “I don’t belong here, and, aren’t you coming up to see me?”

    Um, nope, you got exactly what you deserve for trying to pull that shit, and if I was supposedly the one who upset you so much that you wanted to kill yourself, it’s REALLY not a good idea for me to come see you.

    He ended up getting his pity-party from his oldest sister that weekend and after.
    He never did move back home after that.

    I will be celebrating that 3 year anniversary this July 4th! 🙂

    BTW- I am NOT saying to not take suicide threats seriously, but Dexter had threatened once before, almost 15 years prior, and I guess he thought I forgot how THAT played out.

    Besides, the man is afraid of water.
    I highly doubt that if he were to follow through, that jumping off a bridge would be his method of choice.
    He owned firearms, had recently had shoulder surgery so had enough narcotics to put down a horse, he used old fashioned double edge razors to shave… and me who had spent uncountable number of days seriously considering suicide after D-Day, so I could have given him another dozen methods to check out by had he’d been serious.
    Please note that drove over not one but TWO bridges on his way to his little “vacation”. !

    So, judge any suicide threats accordingly, and as Tracy said, if you think they are serious call the authorities yourself.
    You’ll be blamed for their “crazy” anyway.

  • I am reading this while im in Panera bread and i just burst into laughter when I read #smellsbad, #raccooninfestation, #closeyour legs !! Too funny

  • xH said in the early days that if he didn’t think the kids needed him, he’d have committed suicide. (Sad sausage.) Which was a total mind fuck, because I thought he was MADLY IN LOVE with the twat satellite. Oh, well.

    He cried as he packed up his shit to move to a luxury apartment. For once I didn’t offer to help him with any of it–not even to lift the heavy crap. But I did hug him and told him it would all be ok–and I really believed it would be, as I was a big fan and participant in a RIC forum.

    I still believe xH was suffering from a deep and probably chronic depression that ventured into mania when he finally found the one. (No, not her…not her, either–yes, I know each of them was “the one” but I mean the final one. Yes, her.)

    It’s nice not living with him. NC is really the best way to end the madness.

  • Deepn, the fact you are here at all is ace. I can not believe how manipulative your stbx (?) is. Horrible. Threatening. Manipulative. Bullying. I hope you are out of this relationship asap. I wish you luck with a capital L. I wish her luck with a capital F.

  • ” If they’re trying to manipulate you (which is 99.9 percent of these threats, in my opinion)? They’ll never try that shit again. Let them spend 72 hours in a psych ward meditating on that #mindfuckfail.”

    Please be careful, sometimes those threats are really a mask for the persons desire to kill you. If there is any abuse and you go forward getting them committed make sure you have a protective order before they get out. Also, make sure your particular asshole is afraid of going to jail or that order won’t help. Never forget that in the US, if you are married you can NOT make your spouse leave the marital home. You may need to leave yourself. Threatening suicide is something abusers often do and when it doesn’t work they escalate. It’s particularly common with abusers who use intimidation and subtler control tactics. when those old tactics fail with you, suicide threats, when that fails the abuse can escalate further. Exasshole set me up for assault charges (dismissed eventually) and then did the suicide/murder maybe route in the end. He calculated he couldn’t get away with killing me, here I am. Every year, Thousands of women are not so lucky. So make sure you trust your gut if your asshole starts threatening suicide. Sorry, bout the incoherence, having a bit of a bad day.

    • Dat, this is perfectly coherent from the reader’s perspective, and a very smart observation that a suicide threat may be a veiled homicide threat. Many people who precipitate violent confrontation with police, for example, are actually suicidal. An abuser threatening suicide may be saying “I’m emotionally out of control and someone’s going to pay.”

      Sorry you’re having a bad day–and hope tomorrow is a lot better.

      • When I told my ex-husband’s step-mom about his suicide threat and police coming to take all of his guns, she told me I was lucky he didn’t shoot me and them himself.

    • Bingo Dat ! Was thinking the same thing…and experienced similiar. I was fairly confident Idiot was trying to figure some way to make it look like suicide. I was warned. I heeded the warning. I have seen many sides to my ex. His geometry …from the triangulation to his octagon personality. I dont wanna do the math any more. He is a dangerous individual regardless of his shape.

  • “Let me tell you everything.”

    What the hell does that even mean? Like he was somehow holding her back before? And only if she can tell him about how her “needs” are fulfilled by another man…

    …Only THEN…will she stop hurting him…?
    …By actually hurting him…
    …and the telling him about she’s hurting him?

    Midway through my divorce, my wife wrote that she thought we had the type of marriage in which we can share our deepest secrets and desires, no matter how ugly, with one another. “I guess I was wrong,” she wrote.

    I didn’t take the bait and respond…because it made no sense.

    Look, I’m confident in myself. My wife can find other men attractive. And she can tell me so. I’ll let her know if I find another woman attractive. That’s called normalcy.

    The part that I won’t “share” is ACTING on that attraction. In fact, given we were married, I understood the point to be to NOT act on that attraction, but instead acknowledge your innate human nature, let it go, and focus your effort back on the attraction you’re taking for granted–the one with your spouse. Let that fleeting bloom die on the vine, and instead tend to the garden you’ve already cultivated with your spouse.

    • “Midway through my divorce, my wife wrote that she thought we had the type of marriage in which we can share our deepest secrets and desires, no matter how ugly, with one another. ‘I guess I was wrong,’ she wrote.”

      Yeah, she was wrong. You didn’t have that kind of marriage because she wasn’t that kind of spouse. Did she tell you her deepest secrets and desires BEFORE she acted on them? No. She forgot the part about how she actually had to make it that kind of marriage.

      • This is the proverbial chicken and egg… My wife says she doesn’t feel like she can tell me everything, so she MUST reach out to other men to get that. blaugharppppp, excuse the sound of me vomiting…. When I ask WHY she feels that way she just says ‘I don’t feel like I can’. When I tell her that the key to emotional empathy is trust she wants to argue and I tell her I see her inability as a lack of trust in me she denies it. I readily admit that I have issues telling her everything because she’s cheated on me multiple times over 15 years so my trust isn’t too strong. But I’m supposed to tell her everything. It is a mindfuck for sure. The whole “connection” BS is just gaslighting and blameshifting.

  • Deepn,

    I think that when your wife refers to “emotional intimacy” she is referring to the feeling of euphoria she feels when she is being love-bombed in the Idealization phase of a relationship with a character-disordered individual. A man of good character will not become involved with a married woman, but a character-disordered man will. A narcissistic man will enjoy the challenge of a married woman, because it is a 2-for-1 conquest; not only has he conquered new sexual territory that he doesn’t have to commit to, but he has also proved that he is so fabulous that he was able to make her stray from the one who did commit to her. Such an individual will say or do anything to achieve this objective – words of love, flattery, commitment. Character disordered types will study her and present themselves as being “just like her”. This is not true emotional intimacy – it is a character disordered individual speaking words of lies and manipulation to acquire no-strings-attached sex from another character disordered individual who is buying it while they cheat on the one who is committed to them. Once she leaves you for him he will poof and disappear. True emotional intimacy exists between a couple when the commitment between them is loving, kind, considerate, empathetic, honest, respectful and exclusive. Character disordered types engage in affairs to avoid emotional intimacy with their spouses. Character disordered types are actually emotionally barren – unable to engage in deep love with their spouses so they prefer to become infatuated with “new” people and experience “love and intimacy” in the form of illicit sexual affairs. Their façade is like a showy store-front. It looks great on the outside, but when you open the door and go in, it is just an empty room with a ladder in the middle and a can of paint of the floor.

    • Brilliant post, Chumptacular. Copied it into my file for further reference. Jackass was one of these types. He had written me during my marriage, casting for kibbles and speculating on my marriage, but I guess a woman already out of a marriage wasn’t as much fun as the MOW he left me for. (I did have some cachet based on my income and profession but alas, not enough of a challenge.) But he did a big number on the MOW’s life, then moved on. He loves to compete with men who don’t know they are in a competition. I never in my life had thought about people who want to break up relationships or marriages just for sport; I thought that was just found on soap operas. This site is like grad school….

    • Chumptacular, you have brought the hammer and the nail together in a moment of existential ecstasy. Cheating is a thing which exists because people DECIDE TO CHEAT

      True emotional intimacy exists between a couple when the commitment between them is loving, kind, considerate, empathetic, honest, respectful and exclusive.

      Key word here ==> commitment

      You see, because my wife can identify that there isn’t any emotional intimacy (her preferred term is “connection” which she further refuses to define other than something she just “feels”) then she doesn’t have to bother with the whole silly commitment part which then also removes the exclusive part. No connection? Great, just ignore the rest of the sentence entirely and get that connection any way you want.

      A man of good character will not become involved with a married woman, but a character-disordered man will.

      Key words here ==> good character

      My wife has had male friends who never crossed the line and wouldn’t cross the line, they are men of good character. Of course only now do I fully realize why these male friends more or less dropped out of her immediate friends circle. The chump lesson here is that a ‘just friend’ who doesn’t pander to you is actually just a friend to your spouse AND TO YOU. The ones who pander to you about how your spouse tells them how great you are, they know how great you are, yada, yada, yada, are the ones banging your spouse.

      What you describe is spot on, co-dependent people with severe character disorders finding their perfect fix and fixating on it without further consideration (entitlement).

  • Why do people think it is necessary to combine sex with emotional needs? #badexcuse

    I personally think female friends are great for meeting the whole female emotional intimacy needs. And the best part is that you can have great female friends along with your husband. You don’t even have to blow up your life by having an affair. #winning

    • Female friends SHOULD be great and they WOULD be great if they have a shred of human decency which might lead them to question their cheating friend. Sadly, but not surprisingly, my cheater has friends who cheat (I now find this out…) and they enjoy the twisted spectacle of ‘supporting’ my cheater through her ’emotionless’ marriage to me. The whole stinking mess of them reeks of entitlement.

  • My father threatened suicide twice after being caught in his affair. Both times in front of me. Both times I called the police. His response to this, years later: he wails at me for having “called the police on him.”

    No other context. No “oh hey, as much as you are a selfish asshole, your are my father and I didn’t want you to DIE.”

    Just so stupidly ridiculous about me having the gall to call in emergency services TWICE over someone freaking right the Hell out and threatening suicide TWICE. Both incidents were days apart by the way. Didn’t get the help or message the first time (slow learner).

    I guess I should have known. It wasn’t his suicide threats or feelings that were the problem, it was my reaction to them. :rolleyes:

  • >