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A Plea for Civility

straightenupCN,

I just did something I’ve never done here before. I shut down the comments on my last post.

Anyone who reads here long knows that I absolutely hate to moderate my site, but I’m posting this evening to implore you all to comment with civility. I encourage snark, critical thinking, and potty mouths, but I do NOT tolerate abusiveness, especially to fellow CN members.

And hey, if someone trolls the site? Ignore. They just want the kibbles of your attention. Don’t give it to them. I’ll come along and zap them eventually.

Speaking of zapping trolls, Tempest now has moderating powers here to zap comments. I very much appreciate her den mother/Che Guevera role here at CN. The blog has grown beyond my powers to police, or even read, every comment. (Lest you worry about privacy, she can just zap comments. She doesn’t see my mail or  your profiles or anything else. She can just shut you up if you piss her off.)

But here’s the deal — things have changed for me, folks. I moved this spring and I now have a full-time job. I’m managing both a 40-hour work week AND a blog with over 10 million hits and hundreds of comments each day including weekends. I get up and the first thing I do at 6 a.m. or thereabouts is write a column. If life is particularly nuts, I rerun a column. (Which still requires some admin effort). I come home from work, and I review hundreds of comments (that come to me as emails) and actual emails.

It’s a lot.

And I’m now a DECADE removed from D-Day, and 6 years remarried, and chump struggles do not inform my life. The reason I keep this place alive is because you guys tell me it helps you. A bunch of you traveled from all corners at my recent book launch to tell me it helps you. And the interwebz are full of reconciliation unicorns who want to sell you $399 modules to affair proof your marriages. And that angers me.

I wrote a book. I could leave it at that. I don’t.

And lest you think I’m in it for the money — this is not a big profit-making enterprise.

It costs $200 a month to host this site. It’s $50 a hour when I’ve got an IT problem or need a site fix. (They happen every month.) And I’ve hired Nicole, a SAHM and jack of all trades, to do admin and graphics when I’m pressed. The BlogHer ads keep this thing afloat financially and donations. The ad income varies from $2000 (an all-time high after Christmas) to $500.

The less-than-minimum wage I earn blogging as a second job here is not worth putting up with bullshit. It’s one thing to take it off of trolls and the RIC and vapid people I put through the UBT — it’s another thing altogether taking it off fellow chumps.

I have seriously considered chucking it. And when it gets ugly here and people cease to be the supportive, funny, intelligent community I’m so proud to be part of? I tilt toward “Fuck it.”

So, that’s my warning. I should know better than to run an OW letter. It’s not my demographic. And OW, if you read here, fine, but for the love of Jesus, don’t ask for sympathy and understanding from chumps. We’re not your tribe. You just think we are. (Yes, he lied to you and manipulated you. And my sympathy stops at… you knew he was married.)

Now, to end on a POSITIVE NOTE. Please keep things CIVIL. You can disagree, of course, but keep it respectful. I’m a super potty mouth, so if I’m getting on you? You know you’ve over stepped.

The reason I run this place is YOU. Funny, wonderful, resilient, empathic, wise YOU. The mightiness on display here on any given day keeps me coming back.

Let’s everyone behave. Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled programing.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Well put, couldn’t say it better than Shechump. Preach it, Tracey. You got me through a lot and we want you to keep up with it, as you can!

    • I know you are on another path in life, moving to a new exciting city…success with your books who did a world of goodness to combat RIC.
      But, have you ever thought you have a true calling here and focusing on different things than adultery – and I sure understand how you can get sick of talking about something that has been over for years.

      Do you think Martin Luther King Jr really planned to be involved in so much controversy?
      How about Rosa Parks?

      You are in the middle of a very important ‘revolution’, if you will.
      YOU are the one that has highlighted this topic that touched 10 million page turners.
      Well, what do you say about that?
      You are a leader, like it or not.
      We all hold you on a pedestal of reason and experience.
      And, from all the posts below – you gotta know it.

      You may have more of a responsibility than you think.
      You are talented and get your message across.
      How do you think Dr Ugh Laura got famous?
      You sound stronger than her, but she’s the ONLY one on the radio for folks to hear.
      (she always blames the chump)

      You have a strong backbone with all your web views and the support of the Nation and you know it.
      This is the time to take your message to the public, for the GOOD of the public.
      Surely, that is important to you.
      I think some of us would love to set up a ChumpLady franchise for people like me in rural towns who have no support.
      You know, just some guidelines….and we’d be off helping others.

      We need a good backlash in this society against all the freedom these cheaters take advantage of on the internet.
      We need to teach children!! For Gods’ sake.

      You are the ONLY real sane voice out there, on Radio, on Blogs, in Books….and, in my humble opinion (who’s else would it be in this moment in time?) please take a second look at what you are not capitalizing on.

      You need an XM channel and a TED talk, and we all believe your message will be the antithesis of Ester Perel.

      People will call in and you have a radio station in your house, and – yanno, combat Dr. F’ing Laura.

      • Shechump, years ago I helped produce a smalltime radio show (editing / music selections), and have always thought that CL would be mega successful if she ever went the call-in radio show route. Great idea! CL, you could fundraise (crowdsource) and have an outstanding show, imo.

        There are also several youtube channels that I watched a ton while healing.. mostly therapists talking about narc/socio/mindfuck behavior and how to heal. CL producing a daily vlog could also be very successful.

        I would have LOVED to tune in to a 10 minute ChumpLady vlog daily! Food for thought.

        I know you’re into a wonderful part of your life now, Tracy. Congratulations! I also thank you so much for ANY information that you feel up to getting out to new chumps. You, and your dedication to keeping this site up, saved me when nothing much else made sense. Love you much, CL! You deserve lifetimes of honest and blissful relationships. Thanks for all of your continued hard work. 😉

        • The important thing is that CL gets to choose. She has a happy marriage and a lovely family. Those come first. We are fortunate to get any of her bandwidth at all. It’s great that we love her. It’s also great to honor her boundaries and support her, no matter what she chooses.

          • Yes, first and foremost is that freedom. What is possible is to delegate tasks. There are many leaders out there who are the idea makers and then have a solid team of producers to get the stuff out there to the public. Tracy is the idea maker. To keep fresh and happy and productive in her ideas, she’d need a team for sure.

      • I agree with you Shechump. Tracy is now in a unique position with the 10 million page views to change the narrative around cheating, affairs, adultery, betrayal. There is no one else out there with such clout and decent people desperately need to reclaim the mainstream. I believe you are doing something much more important for society than you realise when you talk about it as a second minimum wage job. You may not have chosen to take on so much responsibility, but then you must have been chosen. A TV show, radio talk back, more books. We need you. Preach it, Chump Lady.

        • I agree. Thinking more on this – a youtube daily consisting of 90 seconds of cheating in the news (public figure cheaters), 6 minutes of caller ask/response, and ending with 3.5 minutes of a verbal form of the daily CL blog article and response.. would be a full 10 minute daily youtube blog. Without knowing, youtube can be laughed off as insignificant. But, I follow a few you tubers who have reached over a million followers within a year, and build consistently. People NEED this information.

          After my own first dday, there was only the basic RIC info out there.. I spent so much time in bookstores searching for help and guidance. 2nd dday, I luckily found CL right away and it gave me needed strength and also the steps and actual words to use via fellow chumps who were further along in healing than my fresh disaster and rawness. Cl wisdom need to go big. This site literally makes the break for people’s lives.

          • I push the youtube route simply because it’s free to start. Only need a quality camera and mic setup, and the time to shoot and upload daily. Or the M-F scene that is the CL blog. Radio and TED talks take more coordination, flights, production, etc.

      • SheChump, I agree with you. Where there is great need, a leader emerges with exactly the right skills and charisma for the task at hand.

        Would anyone have listened to a Rev. Dr. MLK if he had been a field hand? Or Mother Theresa if she had been a Quiznos sandwich maker?

        This movement needs a sassy, curly-haired, “sees the forest,” assumes-the-best, hilarious beautiful woman ‘cuz the situation is farcical and profound and transformative. It is the stuff of mythology.

        Further, our cause is a subset of the larger cause of the betrayal of the innocent of ALL kinds across the globe and the soul-less narcissists who seem to control the narrative. Your ability to frame the issue from both your familiarity with it AND your distance from it is key to the value you, Tracy Shorn, give all of us.

        We need you Rev. Dr. Chump Lady. You are part of the same lineage of those who fought for suffrage and abolition.

  • Yeah, I didn’t like at all how things were going today. I didn’t like all the swear word brow beatings. I didn’t feel like I belonged here anymore. I got putdown in the forums when I asked for help. When you no longer feel safe, you move on. Thanks, CL, for all you do.

    • Agree there Martha, I stopped reading the comments…felt uncomfortable and too aggressive.

  • YOU are freakin’ awesome, Tracy! Thank you for intervening!

    I was out living my reclaimed, cheater-free life today. Logged on to internet around 5-ish or so & after only reading here a short while, I closed it down. Yep….Was unusually nasty today….

    LOVE YOU and all you do, CL!

    Fellow Chumps….Straighten up!!! and ForgeOn! with love and decency!

  • Don’t chuck it chump lady! We love you. One bad day amongst a lot of good days where many are helped. So glad tempest is helping you! Thanks for all you do!

  • Since I can’t put this in that post anymore…

    Sex is sex.

    There are no degrees. It makes my head explode when someone says that anything other than intercourse is not really sex.

    YES IT IS!

    Handjobs, blowjobs, masturbation, oral, anal, mutual masturbation, making out, etc. ARE ALL SEX!

    The level of delusion it takes to convince yourself that giving someone a BJ isn’t sex is astonishing.

    omg

    • I pulled down the other post. Poof. Gone. Trashed. Please don’t move the discussion here. It’s OVER.

      The turn comments off feature wasn’t sticking (see note on IT help) and so I just deleted the whole post.

      We can rant tomorrow or the next day. Seriously, everyone please resist the urge for the Last Word.

  • I’ve always lived by the words if you can’t say something nice, don’t say something at all. My STBX has challenged those words a bit, but I still stand by them. Which is why I chose to not comment on that article. Thank you Tracy for everything you’ve done. Myself and the STBX’s OW STBX wouldn’t have made it this “well” through our upcoming divorces if it wasn’t for your site and book. I appreciated you zapping my post the other night at such short notice, and I appreciate all that you’ve done for us Chumps.

  • I don’t post, I lurk… I’m shy and a bit apprehensive after being felt as if I’m not worth it…
    But when I found this blog 2 years ago, it kept my sanity through 6 years of abuse & cheating… 6 years where I felt I was the crazy one and my relationshit turned me into a shriveled mess I knew I wasn’t but believed I was… I read it every day and I’ve send plenty of chumps this way to learn that they’re not the crazy ones… Keep up the good work… Me, and plenty of others need the aha that is given in this blog… Luckily I’m now in an amazing loving relationship with someone who values me and appreciated me… I’d never ever would’ve realized my value of it wasn’t for this blog..

    • You’re worth it. ? No question about it. And your voice matters, even (and especially) to extroverted and opinionated loudmouths like me! 🙂

    • Amazing how we lose that natural ability to cry to be heard, isn’t it?? We don’t suffer when hungry or wet when we’re infants.. we cry. More and more loudly until someone hears our needs and meets them. Somewhere along the line we start putting others’ needs above our own, many times that starts with our relationship with our parents, to please them we minimize our own needs. Or in our romances, we minimize so that they’ll stick around and love us. Daisy, you’re a whole human and are worthy of whole love. You and your needs are just as important as any other human around you. That’s one thing I’ve finally learned and am starting to really own. I’m worth everything I’d do for another person who asked for it. So are you. Live out loud. It feels SO much better than being shy and not letting your voice be heard. LIVE OUT LOUD!

  • Thank you CL and congratulations to Tempest. This is a great site with fabulous people and their wonderful contributions and I hope that it continues for a very long time. This site has been a godsend to me and many, many Chumps so let us all support each other even if we don’t agree with differing points of view. Have a great weekend everyone. 🙂

  • I found this site a few months back. I am going through a bad (is there a good?) divorce with an narcissistic asshole who I thought would change. Blaming myself for his cheating, lying… Well, finding this site, reading what all of the many other chumps are going through made me see I am not the only one going through this BS. Thank you CL for helping me regain my sanity and look towards a future without the asshat and know I will be better than ok. I will be great. Please know that all your hard work keeping this site going helps us beyond what you could imagine.

  • Dear ChumpladyI am so very sorry if I or any of my sisterhood/brotherhood and brethren have made this blog horrible for you personally. You have made us realize that self absorbed cheating pieces of shit do not determine the lives of their cheated partner. You stated it simply. Leave a cheater, gain a life. Bless you. Thank you

  • “I’m now a DECADE removed from D-Day, and 6 years remarried, and chump struggles do not inform my life. The reason I keep this place alive is because you guys tell me it helps you. “. Oh that we all could be there! It does help. And I believe that nastiness was an acting out behavior of people who are deeply hurting.

    As an aside I love Tempest and her comments. Very wise choice.

    We love you CL. Don’t abandon us in our time of need?

  • Aww dang. Hate it went bad before I could even read and comment. But we all know no topic is more highly emotionally charged.

    Don’t dump it CL! It’s your calling!

    • I completely missed the whole thing, too. Work has been insane and I haven’t had much time to stay current. There was a time when the first thing I did each morning was come to this site. It was such a source of strength to me. Like Chump Lady, enough time and life circumstances have past and I am reasonably content. I still enjoy the comments here, but my pain is no longer acute. I mostly try to encourage others to know that it does get better. It is a shame that a hateful person would try to sabotage the good will of the people here. I hope things return to normal soon.

  • Would hate to see comments on Tracy’s daily posts be shut down altogether, but that would be 1 easy solution to flamethrowing trolls… I mainly read ChumpLady to soak up her fab daily columns anyway.
    Another interesting solution would be to only let long term posters (I.e. Must be members for 6 months?) comment, and to have the 6 mos window slide along forward as new people join the site. That would cut way down on impulsive flaming by brand new members.

  • Tracy, Whatever choice you have to make, whatever choice you need to make – I can only support you with my whole heart and say thank you for the amazing gift you have given me. You gave me sanity in an insane time, you gave me reason in an unreasonable situation, you gave me Monty Pythonesque moments of laughter in the darkest acts of Shakespearean tragedies.

    Now here’s my lesson on internet manners.

    If it doesn’t ADD anything to your karma account just drop that thought altogether.
    By and large we’re chumps because we always held ourselves to the highest standards of class and character – don’t lose your well earned perch by treating others like you were treated in your relationship. Do unto others and all that right….

    All that said – I hope CL keeps on keeping on because it’s a bright light on a stormy night and so many souls who would have been lost at sea are now safe on shore because of CL’s glow. And you amazing work Tracy.

    much love from me!

  • You’ve saved my health.
    You’ve saved my sanity.
    You’ve saved me about $20,000 this year.
    You’ve taught me The Joy Of No Contact™.
    You and the rest of Chump Nation are teaching me every single cheater trick in the book so I can be on guard against future con artists.
    You’ve cut my recovery time down to practically nothing. My family and friends are alternately mystified and grateful that I didn’t verbally vomit all over them like I did in the last divorce.
    And it’s all because of YOU, Tracy – you and Chump Nation.

    Thank you. It’s not nearly enough, but it’s all I’ve got.

    Sending all of you love and big virtual hugs.

  • Thank you Tracy, for all you do and for keeping this going when you’re so far over the border to Meh you can’t see the border anymore. Tempest is an awesome choice for moderator. Tempest, thanks for stepping into the shitstorm and trying to make it stop. That was an ugly mess.

  • Never saw the comments as due to the time difference in Oz I had only read the letter- but sadly not surprised.
    Still disappointed given most people here should know when not to take it too far. I can only commend CL for juggling full time work and continuing to run this site – that takes a far amount of commitment – don’t leave us CL- we love our daily dose of straight talking ?

  • I’m only 6 months into my post-Chump Reality but I would not be anywhere near as far along without you, the Nation and this powerful forum. Who knew I was in fact married to a Cluster B Cheater??? Without this site, I wouldn’t have pushed so hard in the divorce, I wouldn’t have gone NC, I wouldn’t have begun to read about and understand Narcissistic Abuse and begin to contextualize my life with my STBX.

    Instead of bludgeoning myself for the “failure” of my marriage, I’m really taking stock on why it was so comfortable for me to be married to a narcissist for 17 years and to take proactive steps to become a healthier person so that I can make better choices for myself in the future. Hurray!

    When you get up at 6:00am with a cup of coffee to write a blog post or attend to this site, please think about THE MANY LIVES YOU ARE CHANGING FOR THE BETTER. I am ONE OF THOSE LIVES!

    God bless you, Tracy. Your mission is worthy and appreciated.

  • yikes. I’m a reconciler!!! I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to comment :(. Don’t hate me cause I love you guys:). I hope I wasn’t a rude commenter 🙁

    • Hey I remember you! I tried commenting on your blog to let you know why I had to take mine down. Glad to know you’re still out there fighting the good fight!

      • Cheaterssuck. I remember you too!! Lol. My “blog” is useless. I started it and never published it. I felt it was too much train of thought and probably could have gotten me arrested should certain people find it. As they did yours :(. Anyway I swear I have developed ESP because I was thinking of you and how you took your blog down and was wondering how you are and how your graduate studies are going. Haha I have a memory like an elephant. Yes I am fighting the good fight and getting there day by day. I wish I could get you my email so we could correspond once in a while. How are your sons? I hope you are well and dating??? Hugs to you. Thanks for reaching out my friend

        • I have heard it on good authority that Tempest can help us out on the email thing. Tempest-I know you’re busy with the moderating gig now but can you help a couple of chumps stay in touch through email?

            • I would be happy to join this group. I and a friend are working on a blogsite for dating issues. So on the relationship continuum but at a bit earlier point.

              Too bad about yesterday. I like getting inside the head of others — whether remorseful or not — to understand how they think. (To understand does not mean to accept.)

              Not too many people are going to be more honest anywhere else than in cyberspace.

              • I agree, around the bend, the RIC recommends not confronting the OW and cheaters are treated like delicate flowers so many people really are unaware of what these ow are like. I’ve seen a couple that I could sympathize with in the last yesrs, but that is out of hundreds.

                I saw stupid’s last comment , using f and c words, and I was going to write that’s exactly what ex’s whore said to me. Even though I didn’t say anything like that to her. I never did anything to her. Yet she is cussing and threatening me. What a sick ass bitch. That’s what they don’t want you to know. These cheaters aren’t nice. They aren’t innocent or conned. They are nasty immoral people.

        • Tryinghard-everything is going great with me. Grad studies are going very well. Only three more months until graduation. The boys are awesome. I’m not dating yet but I’m okay with that. (no time anyway and my picker still needs repair)

        • Oh now I’m nervous. I have a blog which I assume the ex-hole and his penis fly-trap would never see in a million years, why would they even know of its existence? It’s really helped me heal even though almost no one reads it. It’s the exercise of writing my thoughts I guess, that helps. I hope I won’t have to take it down. Sorry you had to take yours down, cheaterssuck.

          • That was really my own fault. It was linked to my actual name which meant whenever you googled my actual name, pretty much every blog post showed up. Plus I was pimping it with Twitter….so my ultimate bad. The interloper stalked me on the site, threatened me, lectured me and was just plain trolling. It was a major pain in the buttocks because she kept throwing her name, my name, my kid’s names…first and last on her comments. For a couple of days I was moderating full time and couldn’t imagine that continuing so I just took it down.

            It was time. It served its purpose (brain dump) and it renewed my interest in writing. Live and learn!

            • Thanks, cheaterssuck, for the background info. I’m not promoting my blog at all. Thought about it, but decided to fly under the radar. It must have been scary, being stalked by a nut-job whore. Ew.

              • Yeah that was one ugly bear I didn’t intentionally mean to poke. Staying under the radar is a wise choice!!

  • Thanks for everything Tracy…and the rest of CN. It’s made a huge positive difference in my life.

    I missed the “fun” today, but sounds like a good miss.

    I know for sure from meeting newly chumped folks at regional meetups that this site is still doing unimaginably great stuff in the world, even if I myself am 4 years out and life is somewhat settled.

    So let’s don’t shit where we eat, eh?

  • When you receive your initial email there’s a link to WordPress. Follow that link and click unsubscribe.

  • “The reason I keep this place alive is because you guys tell me it helps you.”

    Thank you for keeping the place alive.

    When a chump gets told things like “you need to look at what you’ve done to contribute to the problems in the marriage” and such.. they can come to Chump Lady and realize that they aren’t the only sane person in a world full of assholes. I felt like Bob Newhart surrounded by Larry, Daryl and his other brother Daryl until I found this site..

  • Glad I missed it. We have enough people in our lives tearing us down– we couldn’t “keep” our spouses from cheating on us, we’re “failures” at relationships because we left the cheaters, there must be something “wrong” with us because our partners cheated on us, blah blah blah– we should NOT be tearing down each other.

    Thanks for not giving up on us, CL. While I am many years removed from D-Day now, I am glad that I still have your site as a resource to consult if my ex-cheater pulls some stupid shit with the kids. Your site reminds me that I’m not alone, he’s not doing anything original or unusual for a cheater, and I will get past all of it some day.

    We need to remember why we’re here, and if we’re angry, we need to remember whom we should be directing our anger towards– the cheater assholes who abused us.

    • Agreed: cheaters are the ones who earned our contempt. But in some cases the OW also abused us directly, rubbing salt in the wound and adding to the trauma in their own right. I read the post yesterday, but missed the comments, so I dont know what went down. But please understand that some of us have good reasons to hate OW aside from them just being a party to our chumpitude.

  • Thank you Tracy. I read every book out there about cheating and found no comfort at all until I found your site. You made me feel normal and valued when everything that my husband was doing and saying made me feel like an invisible piece of garbage. You are our voice. My voice. Thank you.

  • Yes Tracey. I’m one of those bad reconcilers. But I love Chump Lady. Lots of people on many blogs have strong opinions and it’s safe to be nasty incognito. I’m sorry this happened. I hope I didn’t contribute to any problems here. I’ve also read your books. You are brilliant my dear

        • I’m a reconciler too. BUT. But. But……

          We Separated for awhile (I kicked his ass right out) and wouldn’t let him back until he showed some serious changes. And stick with them.

          I “pick me dance” for NO ONE! My whole childhood was a pick me dance. So by the time I was an adult I knew that dance never worked.

          The biggest condition: the marriage was a PRIORITY, not an OPTION. I told everyone under the Sun what was going on and he flipped right out. I never backed down, not once. And he knows very very well that I will instantly disappear and file if he ever decides to pull any shit again. Even the faint whiff of a fart on the breeze is enough.

          Do I trust he won’t ever again? No. He might. I don’t think I would ever trust ANY man ever again. But I do trust ME now for sure to get on my combat boots if I need to and lawyer up.

          I will say: therapy for him appears to be working. And he’s been at it for quite awhile.

          This place keeps me grounded. It helps me not get lost in fairytale-unicorn land.

          These days it seems the whole world has gone mad and is screwing around. It’s nice there’s ONE place where others “get it” instead of some “it just happened, love and roses” bullshit.

  • this site saved my life! It made me strong enough to leave a cheater pregnant with a 2 & 3 year old pretty much immediately. I’m now 4 years out in an amazing relationship with a fellow chump. I still read from time to time, but ya…it’s still boils my blood to read bullshit from an OW. There are plenty of sites for them.
    You rock chump lady! I hope people keep it civil.

  • Tracy, you are loved and your blog is much needed. You and CN saved me – during my darkest days, you all helped me to see the truth and gave me the strength and support I needed.

    I consider myself a somewhat long time reader/poster on this site, certainly not as long as others, but I’ve been here a while. I am 3 years out from DDay, 1 year from final divorce, 8 months NC, and not yet at Meh, in hopes that I can give back to Tracy and CN by sharing my experiences. Today was disappointing and I hope it never happens again. I did not read all the posts for that very reason. Thank goodness for Tempest – I’m sure she is exhausted and hope she is able to sleep well tonight.

    CN, please hear Tracy’s message. Except for the trolls (ignore them please since they just want attention), occasional others and today’s OW post (a rarity), we are all chumps, with different experiences. We are each in a different state of mental clarity depending on the level of abuse, distance from DDay, and legal/financial/custodial, etc. situation. Please do not jeopardize this site – it is much needed because unfortunately, there are so many new chumps each and every day that need to hear the message here, not just the RIC sites say.

    • ugh – I am *here*, 3 years out….
      and
      not just *what* the RIC sites say.

      If I can’t type, maybe I shouldn’t be here!

  • I’ve been coming here since 2012 and commenting almost daily. I find most of the discussions to be very interesting, enlightening, and therapeutic. Chump ady has been a big part of my healing because I found a tribe of people who REALLY understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes. Anyway, Tempest will be a great moderator, I always enjoy her perspective and insight. Thanks for helping Tracey out!

  • I’m still in the read this all the time phase. (Not all but when I can). Please don’t shut it down. Thanks for all you’ve done. I seriously would feel so alone right now!! Thank you for your time and sacrifice.

    • None of the RIC stuff is welcome in my house. Thank you for all you do. You saved my sanity and helped me not feel like a crazy person during a time in my life when I had a few people trying to get me to drink the RIC koolaid. You helped me voice all the things stuck that had been previously stuck in my head and let me give a name to what was happening and to ward off the “God hates divorce” and “you need to forgive and move on” with your words of wisdom. Divorce Minister was an awesome resource as well.

    • The RIC cashes in on a chumps hope.. They give the cake eater fuel to justify and shift blame.

      Needs not being met.. Ya, how about be honest and don’t give all your love to a coworker and treat your spouse like crap.

      Mid life crisis- in hindsight, I think my wife started hers at about 20..

      Poor communication, ya, cuz one of us is a phoney pos liar and sneak.. But give us a worksheet to practice how to talk..

      Jealous and controlling.. Because your mate is waving red flags and telling you that you’re crazy and seeing things when you say ‘look flags’

      Fog.. also known as bullshit.. No control once the fog sets in, like a bad fifties horror movie.

      Here we get a message that aligns with reality and sanity and doesn’t feel like it’s from bizzarro world..

  • Well, I have a different opinion about what happened today, which I will stick with a pin and let it phhht into the stratosphere and disappear. Thanks to Tempest and everyone else who tried to keep the conversation away from the saccharine and the poison. And thanks, Tracy, for this blog. If you need to let it go in order to care for yourself, then so be it. Nothing lasts forever. And even the archives will be so helpful to newbies. But as long as you are still here, I’ll be here, appreciating your column and the wonderful commenters.

  • Don’t go anywhere CL, please. You were a life saver for me!!! I had no idea that there were others out there like me, that didn’t want to “do” what the RIC wanted. I knew in my soul that I may be harsh and I may be a bitch and I may be too snarky for the “average” person to handle, but I knew deep down that I was not wrong in wanting and needing to rid myself of the person that was causing me so much harm, so much pain, so much discord in my life. This site has helped me get a life without a cheating f*ckwit and it was what I needed to stave off the fear of divorcing this thing after 22 years of straight up abuse. Straight up emotional abuse that I did not even know how to articulate!!!!! I knew what he was doing to me was wrong, but not one other person in my life would “side” with me, would “see” what the hell he was doing to me, I thought I was going crazy, I was lost, I was lost in the idea that “I had to change, and change so many damn times on the whim of a psychopath”, that it was draining me of my humanity. I was at the brink of the unthinkable, I just could not reconcile the idea that I may just be surrounded by assholes and that I was not hallucinating the huge amount of covert shit that I was put through, by the “person” that should have had my back, that should have loved and cared for me and my well-being and the well being of my children. We need you, future and ongoing chumps, need you, we need this solidarity of like minded people to save the others, so many, many others, sadly that find themselves without back-up, without a voice, without “someone or lots of someones” out there that can share and help.

  • Never underestimate the emotional volatility of the recently chumped. Been there, done that, revisit it from time to time. Good on you for enforcing your own boundaries. I don’t have the time to offer my services as a regular Chump Nation Patrol Officer, but I suspect other trusted and vetted citizens besides the esteemed Tempest would be willing to pitch in to take a load off.

    Thanks, Tracy, for continuing to fly the flag long after your own battle was won.

  • Dear Chumplady,
    I know my experience is not new, but I can honestly say your site gave me the courage to leave. To leave and to start making boundaries. When my ExNarc told me in response to finding out about his affair “I love you but am not in love with you”, I thought it was a really odd thing to say so I googled it, and added the word cheater. The results brought me to your video “stupid shit cheaters say”, and then your blog. I have been supported here so much, as I have emerged from the fog. Your posts and fellow chumps gave me courage and quite literally helped me put one foot in front of the other. Please, for people like me who have been so corkscrewed by their ex that they believe it is all their fault. Please keep your message strong. I understand this must be so draining at times, deputize more to take the pressure off. Create an army. Your words and spirit and sage advice came into my life when I needed it most. Please don’t let a few bad apples bring you down. They will always exist but chumps like me need you to exist more.

  • Thank you CL and Tempest, appreciate all folks are doing and continue to do for me everday.
    Everyone who is part of this CN, has in some way, shape or form gave me and still gives me AHA moments! Awakenings daily, dot connectiors in my head.
    This group CN, have all been down this parh part of or new to the good (meh), the bad (wreckonsilation), the ugly (infidelity)!
    So I had a little warped thought for a fleeting moment;maybe if someone fucks up royally in and on CN, they get zapped right into EP, no not ET, Esther Perel site, dead end!
    One way ticket out.
    We could start donations for the IT crew to reroute them.
    ?

  • I’m glad you keep this place alive and you know very well how much it’s needed. I was at your book launch and I know that you care deeply for us, all of us (and you remember). You can say “And I’m now a DECADE removed from D-Day, and 6 years remarried, and chump struggles do not inform my life.” True, but you aren’t leaving anyone behind. Your speech was great, you choked up, you are healed but you have not forgotten what it’s like to be in the midst. I love you for that. I couldn’t do what you’ve done, you rock! Now Chump Nation needs to do the same, tolerance and civil discourse isn’t that hard. Jedi Hugs!

  • We all agree that Tracy and her site have (a) saved our life; (b) saved our sanity; and/or (c) prevented us from needing a defense attorney. The service and therapy she provides are priceless. The Chump Meetup forum also shows that people are forging strong friendships that transcend our shared misery of having been betrayed.

    I know some chumps have been left destitute by their cheaters, or are in the throes of tens of thousands of dollars of legal fees. For everyone else, there’s MasterCard.

    Consider giving up one latte a month–donate $2, $3, $5 or more using the Donate button (top Right of the main page), and set up your donation to Monthly. If those of us who are financially able did so (even if we’re in the minority), it would help offset some of the site costs. While Tracy is providing a huge public service, no reason we can’t show our gratitude. There is a revolution to fight here, chumps, and CL is our headquarters!

    • Or, if you cannot give cash support right now, write “chumplady.com” and the titles of her outstanding books on fortune cookie sized pieces of paper and guerrilla warfare your way thru the RIC books in your local bookstores! 😉

      But, yes, I’m finally able to give a cash support soon and that feels so great because CL and CN therapy saved me from prolonged suffering! Thanks for the reminder, Tempest.

      • “Or, if you cannot give cash support right now, write “chumplady.com” and the titles of her outstanding books on fortune cookie sized pieces of paper and guerrilla warfare your way thru the RIC books in your local bookstores!”

        Love this idea! Might have to do this at my local library!

        While on the topic, I guess donating a copy of Tracy’s book isn’t a bad idea.

        I’m sorry to have missed the drama….I sure do relish those instances when I get to feel morally superior to a potty mouthed OW (ever since my own run in with Ms.”I’m Kind of a Big Deal”!)

  • What the f-ck, I just made all of this popcorn and you take that other post down?!!??? 😉

    Seriously, a hat tip to you Tracy on that move. While I agree that an OW letter isn’t the ideal subject matter, it’s not an excuse for abusive comments, so fwiw I think you did the right thing in turning the car around when the kids were misbehaving.

    You rock, keep on being awesome.

    • Lol.. same! I tuned in this afternoon and saw some chaos. The train wreck watching part of me convinced the rational peace-loving side of me to tune back in to read more trash…. and POOF. Gone. Ahh, well, it’s for the best.

  • I am 4 years in July…..from DDay. I never would have made it without you. I am both an OW, and then a chump which makes me an unbelievable idiotic chump. But if it helps everyone here, OW’s who become chumps is the worst fate in life.

    • I think we can all agree that even the worst mistakes have value when we choose to learn from the lessons they offer. 🙂

  • PS: maybe a note on the blog that says religion is not something to be denigrated or debated on this blog. I’m an atheist but I respect others of faith and expect the same respect in return. It’s not a topic that should be debated here in CN, we can share our experiences, Relating how God helped you, or having no God helped you in comments is fine. OK to post it for fellow chumps to take away, not OK to ridicule or question faith, or lack there of. Thanks again for hosting this site and your books.

    Jedi Hugs to CN!

    • That should be common knowledge. I get irritated when I see people knocking others’ personal decisions to medicate/not medicate, therapist/no therapist… ETC. I agree, Dat. Read and offer support in the sense of what has helped you personally, don’t disregard someone else’s choices. Religion, fitness, food, therapy.. all highly sensitive topics. Magnified when people are in high states of stress.

  • Wow! I guess it missed the drama today. Let me just say this, when I question my own situation, the answers from Chump Lady give me the ability to be rational and move on a little further. My most cherished concept learned here is “Why did he do it?” Well, because he wanted to. That kind of clarity and truth means the world to me. Thanks Chump Lady and the fine citizens of Chump Nation.

  • I will also thank you for this site as it has helped me immensely and yes I am a long, long way out from D
    -day. There were so many things that I didn’t understand a couple of years ago when I found this site. Like the nuts and bolts of cheating, of cluster “B” personality disorders, anything about sociopaths and how they operate, or the payoff for their bad behavior. Like Tempest, I kept on finding out more and more crap that he pulled on me, and it really pissed me off.

    Now at last I finally understand, and finally I know that I did the best I could under difficult circumstances.

    Here’s the biggie. The healing has come because thanks to you Tracy, and all the loving chumps here, I have learned to stop blaming myself for my son’s murder at cheater ex’s hands. I know at last, that it wasn’t my fault. This month will be the anniversary of his death, and I will face it with more peace in my soul than I have ever had. I thank you for that over and over. And thank you my fellow chumps for your support.

    • Im not religious tessie but faith comforts many and i applaud that. Religion or lack of should never be used against others. We believe what we believe and i respect that. The bible has many comforting words. We are stronger than we know. May the universe Bless you tessie i will have a moment for you and your beautiful son.

    • Tessie, I hope that you can navigate this month with peace of soul. You are always in my prayers for peace and love and strength and courage, because I truly think that you are one of the strongest women that I have encountered. You survived and have thrived through such a horrible set of things and you are an inspiration. God bless you and give you peace.

    • Oh Tessie, love and prayers. Blessings and peace to you. How tragic. That is a “biggie” so thanks for having the courage to share how CN helped you. Continued strength and support!

    • My heart is with you, Tessie. I’ll never be able to imagine the pain of what you’ve been thru. I wish you so much love and joy and peace. I wish your son’s soul peace and light as well. What you and he went thru is beyond anything that makes sense. My love to you and your son.

    • Tessie, you helped me so much because you were willing to share your story. And every time you post, I am aware that in the most horrific of circumstances, it is possible to be brave, kind and resilient. How it is possible to learn and grow no matter what happens.

      • Momma Tessie,

        I TOTALLY agree with CL that you are, indeed, the Mightiest lady among this amazing group of mighty ones!

        {{{{HUGS & LOVE}}}}

  • Yes, I agree about not cutting down other’s religion. There have been a couple of times here where people have made derogatory comments about my specific religion. And my specific state. (Unfortunately, I’m used to that in Real Life. My sister in law does it routinely. I keep my mouth shut because if my brother. )

    I did say something once but it wasn’t rude, just that I didn’t appreciate that kind of thing. I considered commenting on the religion comment the other night but just went on to sleep. Sometimes thinking things is as rewarding as saying them.

  • Tracy, thank you for spending the time and effort that running this blog must take. Nowhere else, online or in real life, have I found such empathetic validation. It has been my pleasure and relief to make chump friends here and enjoy a community of supportive boosters. I will never forget when you answered my letter last July. I cried when 206 commentators encouraged me; I could not believe so many people cared about me.

    And thanks to Tempest for being a wonderful second-in-command. There’s no one I’d rather have watch my back!

  • Since you let Friday’s post roll over to Monday why not do three days a week and give yourself Tuesays and Thursdays off. I have noticed that many of your posts get attention long after the day they were put up. This would also give people time to think about things before posting.

    There are 7 billion people on this planet and a lot of them need this blog.

    Thank you for letting this sister of a chump have a place to vent. Even people who love me don’t get why I still needed to post about what happened to his little family. None of them were in that house watching those precious souls fall apart. You did something else. You took away my Switzerland citizenship. I developed a big mouth and a large attitude.

  • Something CL said: “…the interwebz are full of reconciliation unicorns who want to sell you $399 modules to affair proof your marriages. And that angers me,” …makes me wonder if you’re not also making the RIC mad and being targeted by paid instigators and concern trolls.

    • That would be a bummer. The posts themselves are why I started coming here, but the community of commenters is why I still come back after 2 years.

  • Chumplady,
    You wake up at 6 to write, I’m up at 6 reading anything I missed from the day before and waiting for the new column.
    You saved me!!! I could of never survived and became who I am now if I didn’t find you and chump nation.Don’t give up, there was some crazy shit today but the ow subject is one of those that transforms us to the baaadddd place.❤️❤️❤️

  • Because of CL I have learnt to translate bullshit by putting it through the UBT which is now implanted in my brain. This means I now reject the shit sandwiches I was constantly being fed! Your posts on what keeps us stuck was a big wake up call for me, and of course, trust that they suck, and every other post you have wrote or deconstructed in your unique amusing style.

    One of my biggest challenges post D-Day for me has been my isolation (being dumped in a foreign country is fucking hard with no family and little support) But because of your forum I am now in touch with a fellow chump who lives in the same city ( we have met for lunch and plan to catch up again soon) I communicate with another chump in another country (thanks Tempest for the email exchange) and have made a close friendship with another chump who lives in this country but another State. We talk on the phone all the time and this support has been a game changer for me. I haven’t posted much on the forum but when I have chumps are always there to support and hit me with the 2×4 when I need it – always comes from a place of understanding, never malicious.

    Tracy, your posts, critical thinking and insights are priceless. When chumps say you have saved their sanity it’s not hyperbole, it’s true. It is heartbreaking, soul destroying being a chump. I still have many moments of standing in the middle of the room, shaking my head, saying What the Fuck Happened!,Total disbelief, then I come here and feel like I can move on, deal with it, gain a life and be mighty!

    The ethos and support from this site is what brings me back everyday, long may it continue.

    Big thank you Tracy for all your hard work. It is so appreciated and thank you CN, you really are a pretty decent bunch.

    x

    • Because of Chump Lady, I’ve learned to – Trust that they suck, that there will be a Tuesday, and the most important thing…I will be the sane, stable parent, raising my kids with compassion, integrity and kindness…and to not take shit from anyone!

      Thank you for all you do.

  • CL, Thank you for deleting today’s post and comments – so many negative and abusive comments, with little insight. Most days the comments either inspire me or make me contemplate what has happened in my life, and help me work through and process my reality. Thank you for creating a safe place for us to read, comment and seek advice.

  • Good to know that it’s not only trolls that are nasty. Many chumps have shown their true colours. Blame the OWs all you want. Fact is that the chumps put up with that shit in their lives!

    • Yep, being married to a cheater turned me into a nasty bitch. But at least I have a reason. Not nasty by nature.

      • Anita, yep, Count me in! I too am one. first. class. bitter. Bitch and put up with that POS husband until I discovered his… cheating. Then I let him know he could divorce this bitch and run off with *someone* with character. Those two Cheaters deserve to be happy together. Lol

          • Anita, I don’t believe that, as I have read your comments for a while. However, that said…isn’t the first step in recovery to any addiction/problem/issue—admitting that you have one?

            Please don’t let your EX have that much influence “He turned me into a bitch”. He doesn’t have that kind of power unless you let him. Being assertive is a far cry from being bitter and being a bitch.

            Being civil, at times, takes effort. I am very relieved that an effort will be made. Nobody’s perfect and we all have stress.

            We need to not make this a contest, which is what it turned into. Who can be the snarkiest. Who can come up with the best “one liner”. Who can put OW in her place the fastest and the meanest.

            Yes, some long time posters and some newer posters piled on. We all know who they are and what was said. My advice to them? If you are coming here because you believe it’s safe to spew bile, perhaps you need to revisit the idea of therapy to deal with why you feel it necessary (and acceptable) to abuse others in ANY way. It doesn’t matter who they are. Snark is one thing. Abuse is very different. Yesterday was abuse, by some very familiar faces.

            That was just not a contest I wanted to win, or be a part of.

            Thank you, Ms. Schorn. For all that you do. Your posts are hilarious and sad and make me angry sometimes too. The truth is the truth. Meanness doesn’t become us. We are better than that. Leave that crap to the OW and our cheating ex’s.

  • Tracy, Bought your book today and will be adding it to my collection 🙂 –and like many here too busy working to have caught any of the drama in today’s post. Have had enough of that for a lifetime though, thank you very much! — I do, however, want you to know that you have been, and will always be, a blessing in my life. I will always be grateful I discovered your voice (blog) and appreciate all the wisdom gleaned from those heartfelt shared stories. CL and CN, you simply rock. Character does matter. Tracy, while you now “have a life,” you still have this amazing gift to share…. Whatever you do(and it is all good), count me in… It has been a great revolution. 🙂

  • I liked yesterday’s post (for me it was yesterday) it was really interesting and I didn’t hate that woman, your perspective was as always, amazing. It was like gaining an insight into someone’s world, getting a little understanding, but still having a feeling that something doesn’t add up and they you indentify it I beautifully.

    But I didn’t care too much for the nasty, spiteful comments.

  • Oh, this makes me sad. I wasn’t following the post comments yesterday, so I don’t know what was said or what happened. I can imagine. Makes me sad that it was clearly bad enough to upset Tracy to write a post like that.

    Really, there should be no difference in how you treat people online to real life. Civility is the right word. If people don’t deserve our respect, we can still behave with civility. After all, who does it reflect on if we don’t?

    None of us are perfect but we must try to behave with dignity and integrity. Most of the time!

    We all get angry at the injuctice we’ve been served, but it’s what you do with that anger that counts.

    • Can I also just say a big thank you to Chump Lady, to Tempest and all of the other members of CN who either post with great insight or great humour, or both! You are the people that make this community what it is.

      I’ve never been one for online communities before, never posted in a forum, ever, and never tried online dating. But as soon as I found this place, I had to keep coming back. I even took the plunge and submitted a letter and started posting.

      There are people on here who write beautifully, and with so much emotional intelligence, wisdom and insight. I’ve often been really impressed by my fellow CNers. Not only that, but the care and concern for others. People who they’ve never met, who they don’t even know their real name. It’s incredible. Let’s keep it this way.

      Above all, what all of us want for ourselves, is to heal. To gain a life. To reach meh. Sure, we all get bitter, angry, resentful sometimes. But what we do, our actions really count. Envisage who you want to be, where you want to be, and how you want to feel. Fake it ’till you make it.

      There’s no doubt we are victims. But we don’t have to behave like victims. Something that’s often quoted, I think is so helpful. It’s along the lines of- you’re not defined by what’s happened to you, you’re defined by the way you deal with it. We’re all allowed bad days, and no-one should feel they have to wear a mask and hide how they feel, but focus on where you want to be. That positive future of yours is achievable.

  • Thank you Tracy for your incredible, positive contribution to the education and recovery of thousands of chumps. I perceive a trend in the media lately toward vilifying cheaters rather than glorifying affairs. I have no doubt your courageous site has given strength to this.

  • You couldn’t hand the Sword of Discipline to a better person than Tempest. It’s also a healthy sign that while we as a community can lose our minds for a few hours, we can also get right back on track. This is how “healthy” looks: when we make mistakes, we recognize them, do what we can to clean up, and get moving in the right direction. I missed the drama yesterday because of a family event, but so glad there was still a blog when I woke up. My own chump experience is nothing compared to what others have gone through, (and given the pain I felt, that’s a sobering statement) but it was this site that helped me see what I had to change in order to have the great big life I’ve always wanted.

  • Your work saves lives. Please remember that when you decide what to do with this blog. I for one am grieved to have seen many of the brightest shining voices out on the net shut up and leave, letting the dark side win again. I know the price is high, so I don’t blame them really – but it’s sad to see them go. There’s a reason why RIC is all you see – that is the dominant narrative, the one prescription our current social setup survives on. You’re threatening all kinds of cake eaters by being here! Blowback? I’m surprised it hasn’t happened harder and more furiously already.

  • Whew CL- so glad you’ve dealt with that. Three years post D-Day and I still read tho’ don’t post so much ( I liked your statement ‘chump struggles do not inform my life’-sort of a Meh mission statement!) So I was very sad to see the descent into chaos with this post. But not surprised-it’s a side effect of anonymous posting on the net. Even (!) the UK Guardian website gets the most appalling level of vitriolic comments sometimes- before they’re moderated away….

    And here should be a ‘safe’ place. Many of us have already lost faith with social media etc because of cheating- I don’t have Facebook anymore- ugh I got to see all the duplicitous two’s messages….

    All that nastiness yesterday is a sign some are still fighting a war they’ve already lost instead of coming here to heal- which is why I still read- and want to support the Chumps yet to come. Thanks CL ( and Tempest)- here’s hoping you don’t get driven away…

  • Thanks for all the kind, affirming comments CN. Look, I’m not going anywhere. Sephage got it right — it was my “Kids? If you don’t STOP IT RIGHT NOW, I am PULLING THIS CAR OVER!” moment.

    I’ll figure it out. Delegating isn’t my strong suit, but thanks to able badasses like Tempest, it’s easier.

    I know the majority of you really appreciate the place. And *I* really appreciate this place. I learn things from you all every day. To trolls and troublemakers and WTFever? Meh. Zap.

    As for the video suggestions — I’ll consider it. I really love writing. I didn’t mention that, for me a big part of this is getting this blank canvas every day. I get to do something I love — write (and when time permits, draw) and am blessed to have an audience for it.

    I know video is the Thing. I did get to experiment with it recently on Vidoyen. http://www.vidoyen.com/profiles/tracy-schorn

    I’ll think about the youtube thing. TED talks… thank you, that’s very flattering. But just having my picture taken makes me anxious. Public speaking? UGH. (Witness my talk at the Press Club to any who attended.) I choke up when I talk about this stuff. Even now. Swanning about at a TED talk with a laser pointer? You’d have to medicate me.

    • Thank goodness you’re sticking around Tracy. I’ve learned so much from you and Chump Nation and it’s pulled me out of the fog I was in. Sometimes the comments are triggering but most of the time they’re helpful and insightful. Like many others have said, you literally saved my life. Much gratitude.

    • My thoughts about yesterday’s comments are this (and I think I read every single one, also a quick run thru of the letter and Chump Lady’s response. I was going to re read the letter after the final nasty comment from the letter writer):

      I read a lot of stuff on the internet, Facebook , blogs, etc and I’m especially interested in the comments. What I see consistently, no matter what the topic, is about the same thing I saw in the comments yesterday. If I didn’t read all that other stuff before yesterday I might have been shocked but uh uh, I was not because it’s par for the course any more. All across the internet.

      There were trolls coming out of the wood work yesterday. Word must have gotten around and they were deliberately antagonizing people. I SAW THIS ALL the time in the RIC. OW would come in there and expect to be treated like queens. While telling chumps how stupid they were, how much better Ow were, how the cheater husbands loved them more, wanted to fuck them more, you get the drift.

      • Anyway, there is nothing cheaters hate and fear more than the truth. They especially hate Chump Lady. My own ex even told me to quit reading, she’s “giving people bad ideas.”. Just about the only truth out there.

        So if you can today, go read around on the internet. Ric blogs. Ow blogs. Cheater blogs. Whatever. Cat blogs. You will see a cross section of your fellow humans and it won’t be pretty. On Ric, don’t get too graphic about sex. Everyone there is dealing with ” emotional affairs. “. Ow and cheater blogs. Wow. They will tell you how stupid chumps are, how much better cheaters are, how your husband loves them more, what a good fuck cheaters are, blah blah blah. Your average chump probably can’t stomach these very long. But they are incredibly educational. And stupid from yesterday is very representational of what you will see there.

        These people want to shut chump lady, and all chumps, the hell up. You are interfering with their cake, and their image. Don’t let them silence your voice. Avoid topics like religion, politics, death, suicide, on here. Don’t respond to troll s. Anytime some one new shows up and is inflammatory, they are probably a troll. Let admins shut them down. Keep spreading the TRUTH!

        • Anita, I would like to respectfully stop you right there.

          The comments that were made about religion and suicide…were made by long time posters. Not trolls.

          THAT was what the problem was, for most. Please do not excuse anyone’s behavior–PARTICULARLY if they are a Chump—when they are being abusive or egregious.

          As it was pointed out not long ago, and by you just now–this is a microcosm of real life. There are variants in all groups. Just because someone is a Chump, does not make them a nice person otherwise.

          The point is, belaboring the idea that solidarity trumps civility—I think we need to gently push those people along and out the door—long time posters or not.

          I’m not going to address the letter yesterday.

          What I would like to say, however, is that the comments from the beginning of this blog, center around “WHY” and “HOW COULD THEY DO THIS”.

          Ms. Schorn attempted, as she has done in the past, to allow OW/OM to give you some insight into what they’re thinking and why they do what they do.

          And there is an instantaneous knee jerk reaction of volcanic proportions. Vitriol, hateful, abusive—

          If you wanted to know, which everyone says that they do, why attack? There is a difference between “accepting” or “befriending” one of these “people”—and being an abusive asshole (like we accuse our ex’s of treating us).

          Either we want to know, or we don’t. There is no both ways. The blog is Ms. Schorn’s. It’s not a paid therapy session for each individual here. When people come to a public blog, it’s not set up for their personal comfort level. If she wishes to illustrate a point, instruct—then that is her right and privilege to discuss what she chooses.

          I believe we are all self aware enough to know our triggers. For some it’s not even cheating. It’s one of the hot button topics of yesterday. The mark of an adult is self control. We complain that our cheaters had none, that OW/OM have none.

          Why would I wish to be lumped into that category with them? I don’t. Yesterday (and actually, if I remember rightly, for quite some time now) was a free for all, Being A Chump Gives Me A Pass.

          No, it doesn’t. So please–let’s just move on. Those posters who said what they did—we know who they are and what is sad is that a good majority of them were not trolls.

          • Madison, I said those comments weren’t acceptable. Period. I didn’t say they were acceptable by one group of people and not others. And yes, there were many trolls yesterday, and they know what they are doing to set people off.

            And regarding OW letting us “know how they think,” it’s really not that interesting. If you hear one you’ve heard them all. At least 99%. I recommend a book by Riele Hunter, can’t remember the name but it’s $2.99 cents on Amazon or at least it was. She was the one who had John Edwards illegitimate child. She made vitriol by the bucket toward the woman whose husband she was screwing, and is very representative of what I hear other women say and write. It’s always excuses for their behavior, romanticizing an adulterous relationship, blaming it on the other cheater, and hating on the S spouse. They have a handbook as well.

            • The name if the book is What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me. The revised edition is where she tries to go back and cover her tracks.

              • Rielle spends the entire book trashing out Elizabeth Edwards, who I don’t think she ever met beyond a superficial way. Elizabeth was bitter, a shrew, sexless, evil, blah blah blah. I guess if I had terminal cancer, a dead son, and a husband who had a child with someone else while married to me, I’d be a shrew myself. But Rielle hasn’t heard that saying Don’t talk ill of the dead. It’s a fascinating read, kind of like a high school girl’s diary. I don’t recommend stuff like this often but she got it out there before someone advised her not too.

          • I agree 100% – Yesterday was my first time – and I came here looking for help. For a friend, I need some fricking help. I was being called a troll because I have a varying opinion about how abusive people were acting towards EACHOTHER. I drove home from work crying my eyes out because I just can’t believe how cruel people can be to each other. People are in pain.

            Why are you even here.. on this page if you can’t help one another? Helping others in pain also helps me.. it doesn’t matter who they are or what they did.. they are someone’s parent or child.. and they deserve a tiny bit of decency if they are in pain. Because I’m a grown adult.. and I won’t hide behind a computer and treat them any differently than I would on the street. If you didn’t personal hurt me.. I won’t pass judgement here.

            Everyone deserves a chance to be heard. I understand topics will strike a nerve – but that’s going to happen in life, and we can only try to choose to not be volatile. I personally want to learn about other’s situations – it has helped me on my growth path.

            But being called a troll, when I’m looking for help was so painful – and made a lot of the ones who have been here a while appear hypocritical, selfish and as if they’re only projecting their own pain and situations onto other people. It’s not fair.

            I really hope people here aren’t that evil. I was so saddened by what was said.

            • If you are asking those of us who have been chumped to have sympathy and not call out an OW who very clearly was not actually sorry or contrite for any of the right reasons, you’re probably at the wrong place. The thing is we understand the language they speak and it is BS. I agree there was a lot of out of control unnecessary comments, BUT there were a TON of really well worded comments that called her out on her continued crappy entitled attitude. I noticed she never responded to any of those ones. It’s not judgemental or wrong to call somebody out on their issues in a no nonsense way. I’d say that’s what so much of this site has done for us chumps. Cheaters and their schmoopies seem to all run the same dialogue and yesterday was no exception. If anything learning about her situation just reinforced that OW are all the same selfish, entitled sluts Traci has been telling us they are.

        • Seemed yesterday there were quite a few id never seen before and those seemed to be the naysayers. If ow come here i dont know what they expect. If im guilty of offending anyone it was not my intention. As my “rage” lessons with time ive gotton less ranty i think. Ive tried i believe on a few occasions to help shut down a troll. Not my place but i saw where it was going. Tracys right dont feed them. Tracy and tempest are the best. This shit hurts it really hurts, they know, we know and the trolls know. This is our place. Thanks again tracy and tempest! Big giant hugs! I havent much cash to donate but anything i can do to help let me know. My best work talent is a 35 year graphic artist.

            • Thank you anita. My rantiness is part of my charm i think. My mom hates it and THE sperm donor who always loved it says now not very feminine. My comment “its not very ladylike sucking your slong either but you like that right” he an asshole and mom shes humorless.

            • Anita, I appreciate the referral to the book. However, I do not use Ms. Hunter as a template (or anyone else’s OW/OM experience) in order to justify my behavior.

              I am in control of me. Ms. Hunter’s actions are reprehensible. And guess what? I don’t care. I focus on me and my family’s healing. Ms. Hunter can do and say whatever it is she chooses.

              The point I was trying to make is, Ms. Schorn is the owner of this blog. It is up to HER what she chooses to discuss. If the discussion or topic is triggering, and some of her posts are (to me), I don’t comment. Sometimes, I don’t even read further than the trigger.

              Self control. What we all desperately wish our Cheaters had exhibited. Civility. What we all desperately wish some of our OW/OM had exhibited.

              My point for that is that it is a choice to get down in the mud and muck and emulate that behavior. You are responsible for your words and your behavior.

              Grief does a lot to people, yes. Some never recover. My dad didn’t recover after the death of my step mother. He passed away 2 years later, from what I believe, is a broken heart.

              He never abused anybody because of his grief. Not once. He didn’t feel that it was okay to demonize and demean and degrade another human being just because they make terrible choices.

              And as you are very fond of reminding around here, adultery is a choice.

              I don’t seek out OW/OM to hear their stories. I have no use for them. It’s vaguely interesting and instructive to have my beliefs validated about them every so often, but I certainly don’t believe that enriching a woman who is a carbon copy of every other AP by purchasing her book—becoming enraged—winding myself (and others) up about the injustice—is helpful.

              Just my opinion.

              But the civility thing, is real. I am saying this gently, but assertively and firmly. This is NOT your personal, private therapy session with your personal, private therapist. Nor is it mine. This is a public forum, and words have repercussions and people have a responsibility to those words.

              Accountability. Responsibility. Two characteristics that, from what I seem to see around here, is so lacking in the very people we demonize—Cheaters.

              I don’t wish to align myself with them. And it was sad and terrible that some here did.

              Like I said, just because you have been cheated on, does not automatically make you a good person otherwise. The two are not mutually exclusive. We’re here to HELP each other, not tear each other down and then hold up our hand and say,

              “Not my fault! Cheater made me this way!”

              If what people are looking for is a safe place to say and do ANYTHING they wish? Public forums are not the avenue down which to proceed. Words can carry heavy penalties.

              My last point is, please be careful what you believe you are entitled to do and say. There are reasons that the law says you can’t yell FIRE in a crowded movie theater and bullying is being prosecuted. I welcome that. Free speech doesn’t include having the right to abuse anyone.

              • Madison, I’m not really sure what your point is. I do know I haven’t abused anyone on here, so please rid yourself of that notion. And I don’t control anyone else or try to.

                Re Rielle H, you said some chumps are interested in how ow think. This is an excellent example. Trust me, she’s not a template, a role model or anything to me. She is an example of a cheater. Who exposed her co cheater’s life in great detail. And also an innocent spouse’s life, in great detail

                My truth is this; Adultery is always wrong, every single time. And that the person who commits adultery is responsible for it, every single time (exception is underage or other wise illegal circumstances).

                Your truth may be different but that doesn’t change mine.

          • There were a tons of ID’s I’ve never seen before either, and I’ve been coming here since Nov 2013? It was like chum got tossed in the water and the trolls came out.

            • I’ve been reading CL every single day since my Feb 2015 D-day & there’s def lots of “new ID’s” who seem to be faking their stories; & only seeking to antagonize;, & some of the same new ID’s seem to be chiming in & commenting on this thread to errrr… “legitimize” their recent postings. It’s all too bad – because this site is a treasure worth protecting.

              • Definately a treasure ive been here since oct 2013. Live and soul saving.

              • For awhile, when I first started coming here, there was a pack of people really offended by the language. I don’t know if they just got used to it or stopped posting, but you rarely here about it anymore. This stuff will die down too. We had a few doozies but for the life of me can’t remember their names because it’s been so long . . .

                If the regular readers here ignore the people who are obviously trolls, they lose interest and go away and crawl back under their bridges. That’s hard to do though, I know . . .

                I’m going to need a safe word for when I see one . . . I’ll say “Pineapple”. Otherwise my claws come out cause I don’t like people lobbing grenades at the chumplings. Nope.

              • Rumblekitty, yup. CL/CN is a buffet. Put what you want on your plate and leave the rest. Don’t ingest anything that causes you grief. Life is like that. No need to spend mental energy or your precious time on upsetting words of others.

                Moooooving forward now!

              • We all have triggers kimberly i try hard not to project mine onto others but ive absolutely have no zero none sympathy for other women or other men for cheating on their spouses or those who cheat with married people wether they are married or not. Now if someone was duped into believing the cheaters lies and honestly did not realize that person was married or otherwise attached they have my sympathy. Some of the cheaters are very good liars but the concubine that asswipe took up with knew he was married did not care and did things to hurt me cause she wanted him. She wanted everything, him, kids, cars, dogs, house, everything but sweetly said to him we have have to do something nice for her baby she me did raise your kids. What give me a box of candy pat me on the head and send me on my way! No i was and am still angry. I would never treat another human in this manner. Damn right im angry But mostly at him and i will not suffer onto my person anyone like this but this woman wanted to destroy my life because she wanted my life. I did not hurt her in any way yet i get all the blame. And mine is far from the worst story here. Some of us have the ability to forgive anything i for one do not. Not like this. A man ive loved for thirty years devoted my life to is such a coward he cant say hes sorry. Ow/om should be pissed at the cheating spouse too they were lied too i didnt lie to her he did and i dont feel sorry one bit asswipe screwed her over too she knew what she was getting into. She deserved what she got same heartache she helped to gve me. Im in my sixties no time for teeny bopper games. I understand your pain and yesterday went a bridge too far. Thats all im going to say.

              • (Hugs)… I can’t imagine. I hate seeing anyone in pain – no matter the cause of it. 30 years dedicated to someone would leave me bitter.

                I’m in a much more unique situation and ended up on this site because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a much older guy… who would gaslight me.. and talk to female co-workers about me being “crazy” or call me “immature”.. he would use my “kindness” against me and call me weak.. but if I stood up for myself, I was crazy and angry. I eventually chose my happiness over him. I don’t know how I ended up on this site – but I read that post yesterday from a much different place than from someone who was cheated on. So I can really understand where the Chumps come from – but I can also understand where she originally came from as well – being with a man who was constantly mind fucking me. The questions I kept asking myself were “can anyone see through this man except me?!?” and I felt like that was the “real” question she was getting at. But that’s not what this website is about.. I get that now.

                Now, another unique perspective I have is that I’m still a child from the broken family. I got to hear my aunt call my mom a “whore” for cheating on my dad. I cannot tell you what this did to me. Even though my dad NEVER spoke out against her infront of us.. and my mom carried that guilt for years.. I hated my mom. But shit changes.. My dad raised me. I was loyal to my dad. But I grew up and saw him as an ass.. and didn’t know how anyone could be married to him. There are 3 sides to every story..Eventually I forgave my mom..and I’m extremely close to her now. I don’t think cheating is EVER the correct path.. ever. But people are human and situations are different.

                There is so much justifiable anger here.. I get it. I hope, from the bottom of my heart everyone is very careful about what the kids are exposed to – we (as the children) can’t be forced choose to love a specific parent.

                With that being said – I think there are varying degrees of OW. Not all are sluts or whores.. maybe 75% …but I think majority fall for the same ‘ole game by the cheater “poor me my wife is a crazy bitch who doesn’t love me… I’m a broken man..”

              • I too am from a broken home alcoholic father who beat me half to death and molested me. He claimed he was in pain. No love or sympathy from me for him. I tred my damdest to give my kids a solid happy home but i wasnt goid enough for their donor. His loss. Asswipe.

              • so when you married the asswipe.. and then were betrayed I imagine it was beyond painful (given your past)… probably took you a long time to open up and trust…just to have it all destroyed again.

                I bet you’re quite the warrior though…

              • Yes very painful still is but i get better every day i know exactly who i am. Trust is shot maybe forever as far as relationships go i will never invest that deeply again not worth it. Im too old for that shit. We are all warriors here!

              • Fierce? Not quite sure if thats the correct word. Definately not on the hopium trail and tired of being played by cheaters. Not sure what a good word would be mighty and strong perhaps. Whats your story kimberly, share with us if you wish. You have a mound of compassion great quality.

              • well I like mighty strong.. and I need mighty strong friends..

                my story.. well I’ve shared a bit of it – I’ve been divorced now from a Narc Psycopath for 3 years. we were together for 5. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship (2 boys age 9 and 11) and I’m very close with their dad. I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together 2 years.. he’s been my best friend for 11 years – and he’s also close to the father of my kids.

                I had the strength to leave my ex when I had enough of the fighting and his lies. I went and stayed at my dad’s house and told him everything that had been going on – and he told me all about “gaslighting”. During my 6 month separation – I discovered his emotional affairs with co-workers as well as his rub n’ tugs with hookers. – I was so disgusted with him… So I got out for good.

                I had been doing so well for the past couple of years…until a former co-worker of ours told me he’s now dating someone he and I used to work with. Don’t get me wrong – I’m totally happy he’s with her – this woman is a gold digging train wreck. Probably a bigger sociopath liar than him! I feel like the universe gave me a gift of karma …getting to watch that train wreck happen…

                however – they’ve been together 2 months now, and suddenly she’s living with him…and flaunting it everywhere. We live in the same town.. and I have to see it… while it’s in the “love bombing stage”. I just wish it would implode already.. because it will.. lol. It’s already a train wreck. They’re professing their love via body art and posting it all over facebook for the world to see.. like idiotic teenagers! People know she uses men.. she doesn’t even have a job!

                Other people feel like he targeted her to abuse me further..because he may have found out my boyfriend and I are engaged and building a house. so I kind of slipped back into a relapse of obsessive ruminating and bad PTSD.. I’m upset… not because of them.. just how “stupid” I was to believe his lies for so long.

              • I hear you. Forgive yourself kimberly forgive yourself. Weve all been there. Hold your head high, flip your hair, brush those two off your shoulders and forgive yourself. We all believed, we all felt stupid and duped. Your moving forward with a new love and your boys. Leave that scuzbucket and his tramp in their own personal hell. What goes around comes around. I am watching asswipe getting hit by the karma bus over and over. Do i feel sorry for him no he fired me from that position have at him karma he did this not me. I can only sit back and watch and enjoy the show. I enjoy noone feeling pain i am very compassionate but he cared not one whit he hurt me so all i can say to him is tee hee! Im not causing the pain. Thanks kimberly for sharing. Big hugs.

              • Awee thank you! It had taken a long time to get past the cognitive dissonance… grieving was difficult since it wasn’t a typical “breakup” for me…Ive never been estranged from anyone.. I’ve never had hard feelings with my exes. I don’t like to harbor ill feelings among friends or co-workers even. So this was very odd for me. The hardest part was losing my step kids.

                My former step daughter (18 years old) recently contacted me.. and has been in contact with me. But now he knows and she told me he got mad – so we haven’t talked as much since… which saddens me that he manipulated her too. I know I need to just cut that shit and walk away…

                I have much better things going for me anyway… <3

                Thank you for your kind words!!

              • Most welcome. You are on your way. I dont like to have hard feelings either but asswipe stopped being my friend the day he betrayed me. He and she started sticking in knives and twisting them. Friends do not make each other bleed and or torment and lie to them but i get how you feel. Best of everything to you. We heal here get to know us more, we are funny silly great advice you are among friends! This site and these people here helped me get my groove back and i love them all.

              • That’s awesome… That’s what I need.. silly with likeminded people.

                I feel the pain with the “knives” the day he betrayed you..
                I had been so kind to my ex.. and thought everything was going great after our divorce and found out all the lies he was telling people about me just to gain sympathy. People can be so two faced…

                I’m just going to be genuine – I look forward to laughing with or at you guys when your silly!

            • Nope. I’m not referring to you Kimberley. I’m talking about obvious ones. When you’ve been here long enough, you recognize most of the ID’s. Yesterday I did not.

              • Okay, Thank you!! because I know I had an objective stance – but was more against the hostility – I understand everyone has their triggers. But I don’t agree about fighting fire with fire. I lost that game too many times

              • I’m a new poster, but a long time lurker and there were a lot of new names yesterday. Trolls post to specifically upset people and taunt them. There were people yesterday who posted stuff targeted to upset chumps. Asking people to be more kind and civil doesn’t make you a troll. As for being in a clique and longtime posters being unfriendly, if anything over this last year I’ve seen the opposite! So many people comforting others and being there with stories of their own or humor to help defuse a terrible situation. If these men and women seem like a clique it’s because as a chump they are the ONLY people who understand the horror I went through. I feel a bond with them I don’t have with even my best friends or family because you can’t explain what it’s like to be chumped and know you’re going to really be understood by somebody who’s never been through it. Chump Nation is the best clique I never wanted to be a part of.

              • I agree kimberly fighting fire with fire gets me no where. I use indifference and soon zero contact where the asswipe former cake eater of mine will soon learn my supply of kibbles and cake is history. Get to know some of us ive a soft inner core but i can get crusty at times. Guess we all do.

              • No kimberly was fine. There were quite a few i thought were new but i didnt mean her either.

    • Oh, I forgot to mention something else:

      Tempest,

      Thank you for pitching in for CN. While I agree with CL that the collective wisdom in the comments here is invaluable in general, there are a handful of commenters whose words I always read, and you top that list. You possess a rare combination of passion, insight, wit, intelligence, compassion, and writing chops. Either that, or the person you’ve kidnapped and are forcing to write your comments is really, really talented. 😉

      I’m amazed that your whackjob ex ever considered cheating on you (well, not as amazed as I might have been four years ago before I started uncovering my ex’s double life… f*ck these disordered f*ckwads… you get the point); if you’re without active suitors now then I’m doubly amazed.

      Anyway, you rock.

    • CL, Regarding your statement “As for the video suggestions — I’ll consider it. I really love writing.”

      You might consider video and find it’s not for you. A lot of writers who skillfully write humor (I consider you among the best) are actually introverts who don’t come across as the life of the party in real life. I think good humor comes more from insight on human nature and less on ability to be a clown. Some people have both insight and clown skills (Chris Rock is my favorite), but it’s rare.

      Congratulations on the full-time job. Security can be nice, especially for things like retirement funds.

  • Thank you Temptest and CL for all that you do! This site is my “go to” for a laugh when I’m ready to pull my hair out from having to deal with the never ending hell of triangulation via co-parenting. This site keeps me sane and it is so great to talk with kindred spirits that “get it”. The truth is, not many people in my life “get it” because they’ve never experienced the madness. It’s very isolating trying to explain it to people without sounding crazy yourself. This place is my refuge…so thank you again!! What you do matters to so many people!

  • Thank you CL for this site. And, Tempest, you did an amazing job yesterday trying to keep the discussion focused – but it was like trying to stop a California forest blaze, at some point you put in burn barriers and let the thing burn itself out.

    I, for one, wouldn’t be where I am in my recovery without this site and CN. I hand out CL’s book like candy. And, I’m staying the sane parent (mostly) because of our shared stories.

    Keep it classy, CN… keep it classy 🙂 You would miss this site more than you miss your X.

  • My deepest gratitude when Lo and behold one night I was losing my mind and all I could do was author a letter about my cheater threatening to sue me for DEFAMATION !!!! I posted to Chump Lady never thinking that I deserved a response and sure it would be lost in cyber space …. ! She posted my plea for help and responded kindly with wise counsel and CN supported me …. Tracy thank you for that and the life line you provide for us all xxx

  • Here I thought I was going to have to go all Brianne of Tarth again, and it’s all hearts and sparkles today! Happy Friyay Chump Nation!

  • Thanks, CL. Please keep on being a voice for sanity, and against the RIC. You’ve helped me, and helped more people than you probably will ever know, since many people read your blog/book silently, they don’t participate with comments. Reading your posts is a bright spot in my day, and helps me remember to “trust that they suck”, and that I don’t, and can have a life after this.

  • I apologize for my anger and any comments I made that offended anyone. I should have known when the letter was from the other woman I was going to be triggered…..Boy was I ever.
    Then trills commented calling the Chump wives pathetic….another trigger. I have texts from my husbands girlfriend calling me that, and my life…..

    I don’t edit here….never have….which for the first time in my life was refreshing. It’s why I kept coming back. That I wasn’t crazy for being so angry over what was done to me. I didn’t ask for it….but I reacted to it….

    I submitted a letter, funny enough, about the OW contacting me. When Tracy posted it, and the comments came in, I was overwhelmed with gratitude that CN read what I had to say. Tracy even had to shut down a family memebership of my husbands who trolled and bad mouthed me pretty bad. She messaged me to let me know.
    This is what makes her who she is….she cares. And we all found her when we needed someone to care outside of our circle. We know….unless you go thru it…you don’t understand.

    Again, I apologize for any inflammatory comments I made. Mine were early on….I had to logged off I was getting so upset. I am four years from DDay…I am not at Meh….I am still not divorced…and my husband had me arrested 3 weeks ago for texting him about car insurance…..yes….car insurance. He has a PFA…so he can do whatever….his OW also pressed charges against me for harassment which were ridiculous. She went so far as to set up fake phone numbers using text apps….it’s been onslaught after onslaught. So my OW trigger is still twitchy.
    If you don’t remember me… I’m the Chump whose husband framed her for a gun and had me in jail for 10 months…. so…OW posts trigger me. Not gonna lie.
    Not gonna edit though.
    Once that happens here….then it isn’t safe to vent anymore.
    Name calling..ok…got it. I called the troll a bitch…. Sorry.
    Other than that…not sorry for defending my role as wife and mother to some woman who thinks she played me.

    What happens on this blog makes a difference in our lives. Straight up…saved us…and continues to do so.

    Thank you Tracy, thank you Tempest for the work you do….

  • Madison. Hi. again.

    Thank you for your concern, but believe me when I tell you, in real life I am about as far as you can get from being a bitch. And as far as bitter, who knows? That is just a meaningless label applied to keep you quiet when you don’t go along with the plan.

    I don’t think chumps are perfect.I don’t think they can say or do anything they want. Nobody gets a free pass. That said, I am not going to tolerate anyone glamourizing or justifying adultery. My concerns aren’t with who is saying it , they are the content of what is said. and if it’s pro adultery, pro violence, or whatever it doesn’t need to be said. By anyone.

  • The offenders will be offended. The majority of us want peace. Chumplady do your thing. I agree whatever help you gave and continue to give is a volunteer service lest we forget.

  • Change of topic – Can anyone show me how to change that little square to the left with a new picture. I don’t feel like an alien, or whatever the hell that is . . .

    • I dont use word press but in my graphic work i have changed stuff like that many times. Perhaps click on it see if theres an import or insert button maybe it works like word. Im extremely familiar with graphic programs, word processing not so much. Hope i helped a little.

      Have a great weekend and holiday to one and all. I will be sheilding puppies away from the boom booms!

  • Since monday is our independence day here in the usa how about we also make it chump independence day. Indepence from trolls and other troublemakers we dont feed them just ignore them. This is our place we keep it real. No bashing anyone on religion or politics or someones beliefs. Thats not right. We are here for each other. I will rant im sure from time to time mostly name calling asswipe and his bitches and people like them. I dont think every other womam or man is necessarialy a bad person, if they knew for a fact they were otherwise engaged then to me thats a very bad character and person of low moral values and the husband/wife cheaters i feel the same. And i want nothing to do with them. Some topics piss me off more than others. Im sttong willed and loud of mouth and even here ive but my fingers before saying anything. Lets have that independence day for us chumps and heal forward. We trust that they suck.

  • CL, congratulations on all the new phases of your life!

    Thank you for being an instrument in my own salvation. Your blogs, cartoons, and forums helped me get my head out of my own ass, blast the ridiculous framework of my chumpy headspace, and recognize how much my life and choices were FOO driven.

    The whole ‘save a life’ thing is no joke

    But your life matters, too. Please don’t forget that.

  • I agree as some have said, yesterday’s post was a prime examble illustrating the the inner thoughts of the OW. I understand why it was removed as the OP showed no signs of remorse causing some to trigger. Sprinkle that in with the religious put downs and 2 trolls it was on! Even while virtual punches were being thrown some chumps manage to bob and weave with some really good thought provoking post.

    I’m sorry that SSS’s post and Tracy’s resopnse was removed as it was a prime example trusting they suck straight from the horses mouth.

    I’m also sorry the thoughtful well scripted responses were removed.

    I’m also sorry for the name calling amongst chumps.

    I agree we should take the high road, but a non repentant cheater that blamed shifted got caught up in an old fashion girl fight. Can’t say I’m sorry for that.

    I personally may not be so brutal, but cheaters especially non remorseful ones better put their big girl (boy)panties when you step up to chump nation.

    • I agree that it’s sad to have the letter and Traci’s response gone as it was incredibly insightful to the lies these OW tell themselves about how their situation is so different and they are not bad people and what on earth is wrong with that poor stupid wife. Ugh! That letter writer really let her freak flag fly in continued comments. It was a great reminder to not engage the OW. They have to stay wrapped up in their carefully construed lies to avoid the awful truth about what kind of person they are and they get nasty when chumps poke holes with silly things like reality and moral standards.

    • You know what was interesting about yesterday, and not to keep harping on it because I know it’s dead, but . . . you know how a lot of times the chumps will obsess about the OW? Sometimes I don’t think the people who were chumped realize how much the OW obsesses about them. I know the OW in my case did.

      They want to know what makes us tick. What we made for dinner, what music we liked, weird stuff. The OW in my case used to heist stuff off my Pinterest page and post it as hers. I know that’s sounds strange, but a few real specific hobbies of mine she suddenly loved. She decided my favorite flower was her favorite flower. Last week I posted a bunch of links to a favorite vacation spot of mine. I waited a week boom, it’s her favorite now too. Mind you, we’re divorced now. She’s married to him so, WTF?

      So when the letter writer yesterday wanted to know so much about what the wife was thinking, I just had to laugh.

      • Really? That is super creepy! My ex’s stripper/fluffer gf admitted she stalks me on FB but I haven’t seen any evidence that she copies me. You should make up some new favorites that are really hideous just for giggles.

      • This is exactly why I love Chump Lady. I haven’t obsessed about the OW, but I never once considered that she could be so insecure that she could obsess about me. I remember when I first got married and tried to cook or would do other things, he would tell me, “my mother makes it this way,” or “You should see how she gardens.” Wouldn’t it drive OW bat shit crazy if he did the same but used me instead of his mom.

        • Annie/Rumblekitty – I NEVER once thought of it this way! That the OW would obsess about me?
          That makes me crack up. I wish I could have….nah, I didn’t play her at all.
          She became nothing to me.
          BUT – had I known she would have been jealous about the 5* Hawaiin resort I dragged him to during his shame days, well, I’m delighted to know that she may have been bugged by that 2 wk trip.

          However, he spent the entire time in the room, instead of the gorgeous pools (with me) cabanas, snorkeling, water boarding (sp!) and just relaxing and taking advantage of the resort. I’d never felt so alone in all my life. I went from doing laps in the serenity pool to doing major laps in the ocean in just a bathing suit. I guess I was working off energy. My back got burned cuz nobody was there to put lotion on it.

          I still thought we were sort of reconciling and was convinced they had broken up! – that hopium pipe….and, looking back, he was on the phone or texting her the entire time and didn’t do one thing with me.
          (he said he was ‘working’ – like yeah right) He totally ignored me in bed, like he was so cruel, hugging the edge of the bed and when I my toe touched his, he winced. It was like a 10′ bed!

          So, I filed right after that trip.
          I hope the OW thought we were having sex the whole time, however. ha!

  • I wanted to say that there are not words enough to say what an enormous help you all have been in my struggle over the past year. When your world crumbles and you find yourself down on your knees–reeling with shock and pain–fear has a way of swallowing your future. Finding this site was like a hand held out to lift me off the floor, dust me off and hold me up as I stumbled down a new path.

    So thank you Tracy and everyone else here at ChumpNation–there are many of us that are readers but not posters–and we couldn’t get through this hell without you.

  • Well not sure what all happened! Wish I had not missed it! Well I for one wish I had found CL 4 years ago! Would have saved me a lot of pain! I look at Andrew42 as a great reason for this blog to stay! Without CL, he probably would not have removed his wife from the house…. Allowing her to run him down some more! One saved at a time! Great work CL!

  • I think you will be doing your chump followers a favor by moving on and closing down the site.

    This site is likely, from a psychological perspective, keeping people locked in anger. They are spinning their wheels in their own anger and bitterness rather than moving on as you have described.

    I am glad to hear that ten years out, you, Chumplady, have finally tired of stewing in your own anger.

          • Lol!! Rubblekitty..
            oh, by the way, forgot to mention I liked your GOT reference earlier!!

              • Wasn’t it a great season though?!? I got chills just now thinking about it!

              • Would you recommend GOT? My cheater would never watch it as it ‘wasn’t his type of thing’.

                Is it that good? Perhaps watching it could be another benefit to getting rid of a cheater?

              • It depends on what your “thing” is. I love it!! It has fighting.. sex.. revenge.. revenge sex.. DRAGONS! Midgets.. midget sex… did I mention dragons??

              • GOT is good, but I haven’t watched enough to really know what the hell is going on.

              • If you love fantasy you’ll love it and if you don’t like fantasy you’ll still probably love it lol. It’s quite addicting and fun to binge on 🙂

              • Right after D-day, I hibernated at my house while the snow fell and watched GoT every single night! (That and Discovery ID where estranged couples did horrendous shit to each other. Very therapeutic!) Get all snugly, make a big fat drink, and enjoy.

                Right now I’m getting the boyfriend and his teen caught up. We’re at the beginning of season 5. They will flip their shit when they see “Hardhome”.

              • I love ID Discovery too.. I feel like I could get away with all types of crimes.. lol
                Sounds exactly like me.. make a cocktail and binge watch something until I feel better

              • My friend and I were just talking about how we’ll get season 7 before we get the new book that was supposed to be out this year ?

      • Rumblekitty

        I will raise my hand to getting carried away with the pineapples. Its probably important to remind ourselves that if their lives where so wonderful they wouldn’t be here trying to justify their lack of morals crying victim.

  • Dear Tracy, I haven’t read all the comments because I’ve just been through colonoscopy. However, I had to at least tell you that no matter what you choose to do in the future you have changed my life forever. If you were to decide to pursue other goals in your life I want you to know that I will just begin again with the first post and read them all over and over and over…

    • Reflecting how a colonoscopy probably feels better than time with a cheater…mine is scheduled for 2 weeks from now. Gotta get those health screenings, being a soul surviving parent and all

  • I just wanted to say how grateful I am for this sight. I’ve only been here since January, but I visit daily. Without that visit, my day is a little more focused on my past, cheater filled life, and not my new one. I enjoy the wit, the insight, the support. This site has comforted me, educated me, and empowered me. I’ve cried so hard here that my stomach hurt, but I’ve laughed that hard here too. A million thanks just doesn’t cover it Tracy, but I’ll add one more. Thank you!

  • Sidebar: one last thing because, frankly, when else would I post this? CL please IGNORE the snarky little comments that I saw some woman make on the Amazon book review section. Honestly, I could have backhanded her, and I have no idea who she is. She did her best to diminish your book and all you stand for with get bitchy little review. F*ck her. You probably will never know how much this site helps people….you honestly have no idea. Truly. This is my daily chuckle to help me feel normal in my chaos. Again, you rock. Now put on your haterblockers and keep your head up, fabulous!

  • And the picture memes you post with the stories are my kibbles. I pee my pants almost every time. And I’m done.

  • I missed whatever this is about, probably just as well. But this morning before I got up I said a thank you prayer to God for Tracy and this blog. It helps me change my skewed thinking. I’m still working on it. I’m not there yet. But I have a glimmer of hope that I will be ok one day, and it is because of Tracy Schorn’s writing.

    • Im over three years oit im still not there but i see the meh coming. It may take awhile to get there but you will!

  • Mia Marie, here’s another word for you: whore. Also slut. The kids say ‘ho.’

    I like that one a lot because it points at all the amazing qualities you offer: holes.

    No one cares what your reasons are for being a whore.

    Even the cheating husband knows you’re a whore.

    Seriously, in what universe are you a catch of some kind?

    Anyway, time for you to stop pestering us here.

    You’re not welcome in the marriage. You’re not welcome here at Chump Lady.

    Try middle school.

      • Lol… well done Kar!

        I saw the pineapple flag fly.. wondered who was about to be zapped.

        • Thank you kimberly. I for one will not rise to the bait anymore. I will kill them with kindness. Too many come here already upset and those who are already here dont need more anquish. This is a place of healing comfort love laughter our only place where we get it and support each other. Ive gotton so much comfort here i cannot express my gratitude enough. Ive come to the site in tears often and end up rolling on the floor in laughter with the wittiness. I want to give comfort back and hopefully bring a smile or laugh if i can. We get it. Besides tracy and tempest shouldnt have to moderate or scold the kids me included. We are fantastic and mighty here and mighty we shall stay!

  • I missed it too, but Im happy that Tempest now has her very own can of “Whoop Ass”.

    I concur with Tracy that we should all be civil to each other and I urge people to not joke about killing…I know we are stressed and the comments can be funny in their absurdity, but someone with a loose screw could misconstrue joking as encouragement.

    We can wish the cheaters to fall genitals-first into poison ivy or to be played by hairy Russian men posing as nymphs, but we are best to not joke about hastening their deaths.

        • Kar I never asked you yesterday where you were located? I noticed so many people are from everywhere… I’m from Arizona in the US

              • Wow over 100! Just wow! Of course the humidity here is so bad lots of days i can see it. Right now it just stopped raining on the road in front of my house is steaming. Just had a short rainstorm and those are legendary.

              • Man Arizona gets crazy hot. I live in California and was complaining because it’s been 102-106 all week. I don’t know how I’d survive 121!!!

              • I know!! 121 was something I’ve never seen before… but we are usually between 110 and 115 right now. But anything over 105 feels the some!! Lol

  • Thank you Tracey! And Tempest! And everyone else who has been the part of Chump Nation that supports and validates the chump experience. I’ll hold you in my heart. This site has helped me to understand and heal and I am forever grateful.

  • Congratulations on the full-time job! 🙂 I wish I had known about this site back in the day when my ex-husband had his first affair. I, of course, ran into the save your marriage after an affair books.

    I love the movie “The Intern”. In that movie, the big CEO of the company is cheated on and she tries to take the rap for it, believing she was too busy and too successful for her stay at home husband. Of course, she googled all about staying together after an affair and she found things that said it was possible. Her intern and new best friend said, “You know that’s not how it usually works right?” and “Don’t take the rap for this.” It was a more realistic portrayal than much of the media puts out. I wouldn’t be surprised if a chump was involved in the writing or making of that film. Unfortunately, it is implied that she might be trying to reconcile at the end, but, at least they didn’t try to make her responsible for his actions.

  • Dear CL

    I have set up a monthly donation. You helped me make sense out of a hideous situation, and I will forever owe you. You gave me the courage to divorce him. I am 65 and dearly wish your book had been around in 1972 when I was assured that the asshole that I just married would “grow up.” Of course, that never happened and now at the age of 67 he is worse than ever and an embarrassment to his children.

    Your message should be wide spread. You address a very important issue that has long been neglected and not been openly discussed. Time to change that.

    Suzy Q

  • Chump Lady and Chump Nation save one more person. Amazing things happen when you find out that you are not alone and that others share similar experiences.

    Here is my journal entry from July 3, 2015, one year ago today (I’m just catching up on CL).

    “I feel rejected, deserted, and betrayed. My sense of safety is shattered as is my belief in myself and my self-worth. I know that I’m not the only person to have had their world crumble by infidelity, but it feels like it. I feel utterly alone.”

    Here’s the last paragraph in my journal dated June 24, 2016, 1 year after dday. I was reviewing my accomplishments, like major vacation, installing a dead bolt, headlights, etc., “I get lonely sometimes, but never as lonely as I was when he was in the same room with me. All in all, I really like my new life and I like me better now too.”

    I KNOW that I could not have written that last paragraph without our shared experiences and supportive community. Thank You.

    • Annie – that’s one hell of a year of GROWTH!
      Congratulations.
      And, I’m only a little ahead of you and, believe me, like they say, there is YOU at the end of the rainbow.
      Trust it will happen.

  • Thank you Tracy. I totally missed out on the cat fight, so no idea what was going on. Anyhow, that was not a reflection on the big change you have done to infidelity awareness and chump sanity, both on this site and with your book. Keep doing what u r doing pls.

  • You know I sometimes go weeks now without coming here. The most hell I have ever endured in my life was a cheating wife and divorce. I really thought I was nuts. I seriously lost my mind for a while. Everything I read made me think I was somehow to blame, or I needed to make massive changes, or I was the problem. I stumbled onto this site. Thank God I did. Finally someone, somewhere, out in the internet vapor made some sense. I cant imagine anyone who has endured a cheatin spouse or s.o. Being anything but sympathetic to another chump, so i am very glad I wasnt here and didnt see the problem. I do hope the supportive kind hearts and great advice and perspectives that got me through my own personal hell never go away. Thanks tracy and everyone who makes it happen. And thanks to everyone who shares their pain and triumphs in order to keep chumps like me from losing all hope and giving up. Im glad I didnt quit. But I couldnt have done it without chumplady and CN.

    • Scott – well said. I was one who had been following it and the page was still open on my computer and went back to read it after it was done.
      It was NOT a typical C/N response by any means.
      Glad Tempest erased all the bad words, but it was just not typical of this site.

      Just a blip and I’m glad many didn’t read it.
      However, for me – I learned from it.
      It was about a woman dating a married man who didn’t know he was married.
      An ‘OW’ post that triggered a lot of people, understandably.

      Shortly after that IRL a guy tried to pick me up and tell me he wasn’t married.
      I immediately saw huge red-flags as he kept talking about his ex-wife, and then suddenly turned to his sorry-ass-wife back at home.
      Turned out he was married as I found out after a breakfast ‘date’. Asshole.
      Talk about knowing immediately this guy was a b/s’er.

      So, my point is, as ugly as just a couple folks got on that post – 2 unhappy hurt apples – it didn’t sway the point of getting across to me about falling for married folks that pretend otherwise, until they hook you, and I found it personally very useful.

      So, although the entire post was upsetting, it did me good when I read through the lines and realized how *I* could have been sucked into the….Oh, I’m so lonely and widowed story…. Bleh. Get a dog if you’re lonely asshole!

      Just a dirty old man playing on sympathies.

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