Four weeks ago I found out my wife of 20 years was having an affair for the past year. She denied it at first, but I had a recording with clear cut evidence.
A day or so later I found out she’s pregnant to him also, 9 weeks !!
She is refusing to leave the joint home, saying that she’s staying until she gets somewhere sorted, but I know she’s not really looking.
She maintains that she doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t love me anymore. The Other Man is 26, she’s 40. He is a local low life scumbag.
The atmosphere in the house is terrible, our 14 year old son doesn’t know which way is up, and she has no intention of taking him when she does finally go.
Please help. I can’t get her out my head or even really start to rebuild.
I’m sorry. That’s all kinds of fucked up. Of course you can’t get her out of your head or rebuild — she’s right there!
Chumps endure some awful burdens, but living with your pregnant, cheating wife, waddling around, going trimesters one through three in front of you, takes the biscuit. Is Mr. 26-Year-Old Scumbag going to her ultrasound appointments? Does he carry a robust health insurance policy? Is he staying up nights with his dogeared copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”?
Yeah, didn’t think so. My guess is that Mr. 26 is not thrilled to be saddled with a pregnant 40-year-old fuckbuddy. And that it’s just sort of slowly dimming on your wife that this might, just perhaps, not be a love for the ages. So what’s a cheater to do? Same life strategy as before — play a chump.
Andrew, you’re that chump. My advice to you is don’t be.
This is a real legal pickle and you need some top notch legal advice. Please talk to a lawyer immediately. One reason your cheating wife may be living with you (with zero intentions of moving out, despite what she says) is that if you’re still married, you’ll be the presumed father of the child and on the hook for support. Is there any chance the child could be yours? Challenging paternity is a complicated business, and you need to get in front of this QUICK.
The other issue that makes your situation fraught is, what are you going to do? Throw a pregnant woman out on the street? In her “delicate condition”? The whole “pack their shit up and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons” advice, while satisfying, could really blow up on you here.
Honestly, I think the thing I would do is move myself and my son the hell away from her. (Again AFTER you talk to a lawyer. There could be legal ramifications here.) It’s totally unjust, but if she won’t look for an apartment, YOU do it. If you can’t afford an apartment, do you have family near? A good friend with a sofa? I don’t think your situation is sustainable if you value your sanity.
The other thing I’d want her to do is put that whole “I don’t love you” and “I’m carrying another man’s baby” shit on paper. Email her, text her, anything to document this in her own words. Of course there is DNA and paternity testing, but if you have to explain to a judge why you and your son walked out on your pregnant wife, there it is.
Next on the agenda — unchump yourself. Quit thinking in terms of what your wife wants, or when is your wife going to do this thing she promised to do. Take the driver’s seat and take your life back. What are YOU going to do? How are YOU going to respond?
With an immediate divorce summons, I hope!
When your head is there, about protecting your son from this fuckupedness, being the sane parent to him, and practicing self-care in the face of your wife’s betrayal, that is when you start rebuilding. You only get her out of your head when you go no contact. There’s no no contact when she’s ballooning before you, in your shared home. Change that situation, and your mind will follow. It takes time.
Meanwhile, to survive the day-to-day — practice as much no contact with her as possible. Get your son into some therapy, even if it’s the school counselor. And some therapy for you too.
Living with this cheater is FINITE. Navigate the waters the best you can with legal help. And move ahead into that new life. We’re here for support. ((Hugs))