Dear Chump Lady,
Four weeks ago I found out my wife of 20 years was having an affair for the past year. She denied it at first, but I had a recording with clear cut evidence.
A day or so later I found out she’s pregnant to him also, 9 weeks !!
She is refusing to leave the joint home, saying that she’s staying until she gets somewhere sorted, but I know she’s not really looking.
She maintains that she doesn’t want to be with me and doesn’t love me anymore. The Other Man is 26, she’s 40. He is a local low life scumbag.
The atmosphere in the house is terrible, our 14 year old son doesn’t know which way is up, and she has no intention of taking him when she does finally go.
Please help. I can’t get her out my head or even really start to rebuild.
Andrew
Dear Andrew,
I’m sorry. That’s all kinds of fucked up. Of course you can’t get her out of your head or rebuild — she’s right there!
Chumps endure some awful burdens, but living with your pregnant, cheating wife, waddling around, going trimesters one through three in front of you, takes the biscuit. Is Mr. 26-Year-Old Scumbag going to her ultrasound appointments? Does he carry a robust health insurance policy? Is he staying up nights with his dogeared copy of “What To Expect When You’re Expecting”?
Yeah, didn’t think so. My guess is that Mr. 26 is not thrilled to be saddled with a pregnant 40-year-old fuckbuddy. And that it’s just sort of slowly dimming on your wife that this might, just perhaps, not be a love for the ages. So what’s a cheater to do? Same life strategy as before — play a chump.
Andrew, you’re that chump. My advice to you is don’t be.
This is a real legal pickle and you need some top notch legal advice. Please talk to a lawyer immediately. One reason your cheating wife may be living with you (with zero intentions of moving out, despite what she says) is that if you’re still married, you’ll be the presumed father of the child and on the hook for support. Is there any chance the child could be yours? Challenging paternity is a complicated business, and you need to get in front of this QUICK.
The other issue that makes your situation fraught is, what are you going to do? Throw a pregnant woman out on the street? In her “delicate condition”? The whole “pack their shit up and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons” advice, while satisfying, could really blow up on you here.
Honestly, I think the thing I would do is move myself and my son the hell away from her. (Again AFTER you talk to a lawyer. There could be legal ramifications here.) It’s totally unjust, but if she won’t look for an apartment, YOU do it. If you can’t afford an apartment, do you have family near? A good friend with a sofa? I don’t think your situation is sustainable if you value your sanity.
The other thing I’d want her to do is put that whole “I don’t love you” and “I’m carrying another man’s baby” shit on paper. Email her, text her, anything to document this in her own words. Of course there is DNA and paternity testing, but if you have to explain to a judge why you and your son walked out on your pregnant wife, there it is.
Next on the agenda — unchump yourself. Quit thinking in terms of what your wife wants, or when is your wife going to do this thing she promised to do. Take the driver’s seat and take your life back. What are YOU going to do? How are YOU going to respond?
With an immediate divorce summons, I hope!
When your head is there, about protecting your son from this fuckupedness, being the sane parent to him, and practicing self-care in the face of your wife’s betrayal, that is when you start rebuilding. You only get her out of your head when you go no contact. There’s no no contact when she’s ballooning before you, in your shared home. Change that situation, and your mind will follow. It takes time.
Meanwhile, to survive the day-to-day — practice as much no contact with her as possible. Get your son into some therapy, even if it’s the school counselor. And some therapy for you too.
Living with this cheater is FINITE. Navigate the waters the best you can with legal help. And move ahead into that new life. We’re here for support. ((Hugs))
I don’t know where you Andrew live but in MO you cannot divorce someone who is pregnant. Regardless if it’s not yours. That could make the divorce process drag for you. Definitely agree you needs to speak to a lawyer. NOW!!! This whole situation sucks. Hang in there.
If it’s in MO, or a state with laws like MO, he can get a separation, which is exactly like a divorce, but not a divorce. Then when baby is born, all that’s left to do is the paperwork.
This separation idea crossed my mind room the lawyer will know, of course, but as a note, some health insurance policies cover legally separated spouses while others don’t. Maybe bring the plan booklet to your appointment or call ahead to find out.
Also, where I work, we have one of those employee assistance plans (EAP) and there is a bunch of stuff online about local basic laws along with an opportunity to consult with a lawyer anywhere in the US one time for one hour. That might be a place to start, just to get step one ideas. (These aren’t crack shot attorneys, so use them with that grain of salt in mind.)
Just some ideas that people don’t often consider.
Sometimes I swear autocorrect has gone insane. 🙂
I live in MO and I filed for divorce when I was 6 months pregnant. You can file, it just won’t be final until after the baby is born. My attorney told me I could go to court the day after the baby was born if i wanted. It was the most depressing time of my life and I was eager to put it behind me.
Yep good advice chumplady , this was similar to my situation , Except I have 3 young kids and the ex got an abortion with the butchers baby! You have to seperate yourself from her dramas and focus on you . Think about your situation everyday and how you can make it better, and then you need to start living it to make it reality, your going to lose friends maybe even your job! But don’t worry your the only one who knows what’s going to make you happy. You will make new friends , and get a new life. Find your passions, and don’t worry about what anyone else might think of you . Unless they have been in your situation they won’t understand . Sitting around getting chumped gets yiou no where. Your the most important factor in this equation and then your son, then the dog if you have one. She can sort her own mess out.
Holy fuck, these situations suck a crap ton of donkey ass! I feel for you guys, this is TERRIBLE!!!
Your ex and the OP’s ex are seriously deranged. They deserve every ounce of karma that ever comes back to bite them in their cheating asses.
I don’t like to say this, but a lot can happen in first trimester. I’m sorry for your situation and I know it hurts on every level — not just for you, but also for your son, and for your wife also.
Don’t pressure her for abortion, as that will stick, no matter what she chooses, and it will be held against you forever. It’s truly one of the worst decisions any woman ever has to face, especially when the decision is to terminate.
If she’s truly pregnant, her thinking is in a hormonal soup, and her body is sheltering a second consciousness. The baby is not trying to hurt or trouble any of you, and I’m sad for all this and praying for God’s will and a gentle process for you all.
I hope you can understand this: the situation is really worst for your son, especially if he has ever entertained dreams of what life could be like with a sibling. No matter what happens here, he may grieve, a lot. And it’s troubling that she has no intention of taking him with her if she goes. I’d close out the terms of her infidelity and secure good therapy support for him and yourself. It’s a crappy stimulus for father son bonding, but he needs you, and needs you to be strong.
A lot can happen in first trimester, especially with mother that age. I hope you will update as the story goes on. Take care of you and your son; I know this has got to be one of the worst shocks for any family.
Andrew should not have to give a rats ass about the cheating wife.
He should not care if he has an abortion or not.
He should not have to care if a second consciousness or if her thinking is in a hormonal soup. SHE CHEATED AND GOT PREGNANT! I can’t think of a bigger betrayal or trust or bigger way to break the heart of the person that loves you.
Andrew should not give a shit anymore.
What he needs to do is get a lawyer and go No contact and not a give a shit about her what happens with her situation or she does with her body.
+1
+1
+10000!
Who cares about her thinking? She wasn’t pregnant when she started the affair, so a “normal” set of hormones doesn’t seem to improve her thinking.
Sorry, don’t feel sorry, not the least bit for the pregnant cheating wife.
I do feel for Andrew and his child. I will echo the concerns of others to seek legal counsel and ensure that it’s established he is NOT the father.
“Who cares about her thinking? She wasn’t pregnant when she started the affair, so a “normal” set of hormones doesn’t seem to improve her thinking.”
Exactly!!!
Exactly, i don’t give a crap about that slut wife thinking or feeling at all .
I think Virginia, too.
OMG Andrew! Get to a lawyer like yesterday! Your cheater is 40 going on 16 in the brains department right now. The last thing you need is for her to hang around and use your health insurance and stick your name on the birth certificate as the presumed father of this child. This is 50 shades of f**ked up! I’m with CL, the 26 year old boyfriend isn’t sitting around reading books on how to be a good daddy! I suspect he has already made rumblings about giving her walking papers. Let’s face it, nothing breaks the “romance” mood like the reality of a screaming baby with a loaded diaper and an empty stomach! Find a good, no GREAT, lawyer and unload her useless carcass ASAP! So sorry this is happening to you and your son. Neither one of you deserves to live with a “pod” that is so blatantly abusive!
Mine has been in the same house since DDay in February — same general reasons: why NOT take her own sweet time to ‘get things sorted out’ while she’s got someone paying the bills and she can continue somewhat of an appearance of ‘normalcy’ in front of the children she gave no consideration to when she started down her fucked up, selfish narcissistic path?
CL is right — you must, in all things, demonstrate to your child, to the world, and to YOURSELF that SHE is the fucked up person, and that YOU are the steadying influence of character and positivity. You will have to eat a lot of shit sandwiches and it will be very difficult to keep your temper and your sanity, but it is a finite situation — there will be light at the end of the tunnel. And you will definitely come out the better for it.
Get cracking on your homework — you now have a full-time hobby thanks to the human turd you devoted a substantial portion of your life to. Stay strong and know there are many of us who have been (and ARE) in your shoes.
You can say that again: HOBBY
My cheater wife has become a full time hobby.
She did absolutely nothing to aide in the divorce ZERO…WTF. To top if off she only asked for more and more! She got the max!
I thought that I would find my Tuesday after the big step, but I believe after reading here at CL/CN it’s all the little steps and shit sandwiches that eventually the light of Tuesday will come.
I’m 1 year and 2 months out…still eat shit sandwiches..my daughters eat shit sandwiches…..but it’s getting better. I feel like living a little more each day:)
Hang in there Chris! I’m on almost the same time line as you. Feel the same way. I lost 1/2 of my retirement, equity in the house and time with my kids to a lying cheating using hoe! I have completely gone NC with mine and it makes a huge difference. I don’t engage in any conversation with her. No text, email or talking. I’m lucky my kids are old enough I can do it. It’s amazing how you were such a bad person but then they just can’t leave YOU alone. Always trying to draw you back into a conversation about anything. The final divorce is just another small step. I, like you, am still working to rebuild my life from what I thought it would be. I am working on me. Stories like today’s remind me that I don’t have it so bad after all.
Chris–sorry you’re in that situation. Find a new hobby; go grey rock with your wife–critical messages about kids only (you can use a site like Family Wizard so that you don’t have to field calls, texts, or emails). It is the only thing to maintain your mental health:
http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/
Andrew–you’re clearly light years away from being able to go grey rock with your cheating pregnant wife, but do the best you can (legally) to get distance from her. There’s no way to inoculate yourself against her BS and mindfuckery while you’re sharing living space.
UX you mention – “she gave no consideration to when she started down her fucked up, selfish narcissistic path” – how true!
In my case a year or so after dday, my now ex-wife wanted to be a surrogate mother for someone else. When she told me I was like WTF!! As if life wasn’t complicated enough that our marriage and family just imploded. We were divorcing and have 3 small kids because of her serial cheating and all she could think of is how great this would be (more like how great this would make her feel) to do this. Just speechless.
We need a “Song of Centrality.”
Wow – so sorry for you and your son
See a lawyer ASAP. But also see a child/adolescent therapist ASAP ( son’s pediatrician can probably give you a reco.)
You can meet the therapist without your son – because as the only sane parent – you will have to heal yourself and your son….I think how you handle the next few months can really help son de-link from the craziness and get through this painful mess with scars, but not permanent debilitating injuries. (After all your wife is telling your son she doesn’t want him!)
All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN. Which is so terrible – because the kids are innocent and did nothing to deserve the mess they are in.
Your wife is DESPICABLE
Hugs to you and your son.
“All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN. Which is so terrible – because the kids are innocent and did nothing to deserve the mess they are in.” Amen to that! Yeah, not only have I been betrayed all these years by his relationships with his ho-workers, but the kids have, too. But to cheaters, all that matters is their “happiness” and their entitlement to do whatever the frick they want.
So true. And, to complicate matters, this child is a sibling to your son. Such a shit sandwich for both of you.
“All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN.” Agreed. Yet no one I know seems to get that. And he still lies and manipulates the kids.
My son is 26, father betrayed me after a 30 yr of a good marriage. I’m 5 yrs out, and am healing, but my son, who once was a happy guy, has grown into an angry young man…
A man he once adored, he now wishes him no happiness in his future.
Yup, kids get betrayed too… “they” never think about them…
Andrew I’m so sorry for what you are going through. But listen to what CL is saying. Hindsite, I see why it’s best to D right away…
CL doesn’t lie?
“They” never think of them, the kids, is right! I’m a Christian. My X I’m not so sure about anymore. He’s lied and fooled me our entire relationship, so he could be easily lying about this, too. My I digress…..A few years ago I read a John Eldredge book. X read it to. Of course he got nothing out of it, because his heart is made of stone. The premise of the book is the “father wound.” How father’s wound their children in some way (not physical) and we carry the father wound into our other relationships and life. My cold, heartless X said nonchalantly, “I guess I’m giving the kids the father wound now (by divorcing me.) He didn’t give a shit about what his actions would do the kids. Why would he? He never took his actions into consideration our entire relationship and marriage. It was always all about him. His time, his needs, his wants, his job, his ho-workers, etc. And we sat on the sidelines waiting for dad to get finished with “work” to spend some time with us. He was so selfish that he missed his sons birthday twice to go run in a race (son was very small at the time.) And then he went out-of-town for a football game on our three-year old daughters birthday. He said he “forgot” it was her birthday when he ordered the tickets. LIAR! He wanted to go and no family was going to keep Mr. Entitled away from his needs and wants! Who forgets it’s his daughters birthday. I could go on and on with stories.
Wow, sounds like he never cared for his family, for his wife, or his kids. He just couldn’t be bothered, as his activities were so much more important than him. If someone is that selfish, then don’t bother to get married and have children. Just be single and focus on yourself 24/7, 100% of the time. Go figure.
Sorry – His activities were so much more important than his whole family.
Martha your husband sounds just like mine. Also a big Jesus cheater, performs at church and everything, while actively living in adultery. He has missed multiple kid birthdays by his own volition, yet somehow makes himself the sad sausage who is “left out.” Last birthday he missed due to “work” I am pretty sure was actually working on bonking his skank. Rushed me out of the hospital post partum because he wanted to go across the state to perform as…wait for it…a rodeo clown. Left my suitcase with everything including pain med prescription at the hospital, dropped my extremely sore self at home with the children, and proceeded to leave for the next sixteen hours. Forget the brand new baby and somewhat debilitated wife, couldn’t let anything get in the way of all that attention he would get.
Left his postpartum wife and newborn son to be a rodeo clown…good grief…I thought I had heard it all.
Ex-pat Chump, ‘All cheaters betray their spouses and their CHILDREN.” Agreed. Yet no one I know seems to get that. And he still lies and manipulates the kids.’
This is my current life. Right after Honey left (2 years ago now), I got a mediator to handle the divorce (he walked out and left me flat broke with our 1 and 2 year old babies with no warning and a hot cup of coffee on the counter) and she turned out to be terrible. I remember when I was a blubbering mess in her office she said with a hint of condescension, ‘Just try to remember, he left you, NOT his kids.’ It never sat right with me. It bothered me day and night. And then I realized it’s because it was a lie. It’s the most common lie about divorce this effed up modern world has to offer, in fact. It’s nothing more than trying to put a bow on a pig. It’s simply not true.
Oh, but he SKYPES. Really? Give me a damn break. He moved from one coast to the other, 2,300 miles away. Do you think you could phone in the job of parent by spending 20 minutes a week on a cold, lifeless plexiglass screen? Never being there for a single special event, or scraped knee, or kiss and hug goodnight? If taking away your physical presence as a father for the duration of their lives for some stripper in another state isn’t betraying and abandoning your children, then what the hell is?
Andrew,
Also make sure this cheater is indeed, truly pregnant. Nine weeks is nothing that will show yet. In her rotten brain, perhaps she thought that was a way to achieve several goals 1) not being kicked out 2) garner sympathy or tender care after she cheated or 3) just to make you more jealous and sad. Many disordered women use the pregnancy card to exert control over a man.
It is hard for a 40 year old to get pregnant without heavy duty medical help: IVF, fertility drugs, invasive procedures. Not impossible to do it naturally, but no way easy. There are 40 year old women who would build a shrine to the Seven Gods if they got pregnant.
If you have concrete (blood test) proof, she is pregnant, then once you go to the lawyer (ASAP!) you will know how to proceed to establish DNA and get scumbag on the hook for child support. Make sure your lawyer understands that this is a high conflict divorce, and you do not want to go to a mediator and to sing Kumbayai or “consciously uncouple”
Get as much information on Scumbag’s personal details: last known address, date of birth- anything that helps serve him with legal papers. He probably has a criminal record.He may move around a lot and become slippery. Find out where his mother lives (they always know where their sons are).
Not only would I move out as soon as humanly possible, I would put the house up for sale. This will show her you mean business. It is an act that can be reversed, but it has a way of getting people’s attention. Every state has different family laws, but putting a house up for sale is as common as dirt. The simple “I can’t afford the mortgage and rent” reason usually flies. It is just math based.
The critical point is to methodically but quickly! gather evidence that this is not your child, if she is truly pregnant. You could be presumed the father because the child was “conceived” under the umbrella of your marriage.
If you can anyway swing it, I would hire a good private investigator and have them go to town on her. You need to open a can of whoop ass on her in terms of proof of her conduct, and scumbag. Then, you can just pay their bills and have they do all the legwork. The things they can find out now are beyond your capability and it is too painful.
If you love her, (and it seems you do) I know you are in excruciating pain. I am sorry, and I hope this site and time eases your suffering. In time, the rage will come and it is not a fun feelings. Get in therapy now so you do not implode.
Protect your sanity and your son, as CL said. When these catastrophic betrayals, you can lose your mind, if you don’t stay on the path.
*I don’t think you have to worry about making the mistake of doing the pick me dance or competing with scumbag…he will run for the hills, if these pregnancy is true.*
While a baby is not a welcome thing in most cheating situations and her pool boy is likely running away at such news, it is good to remember that yes, some people DO fake pregnancy…sometimes all the way to the end then they fake a perinatal death. Hospitals are so limited by what info we can release, we cant tell people that a woman was never pregnant. (Someone NOT being a patient is seen as a piece of protected medical information). As an added bonus, pregnancy fakers fit the profile of possible infant abductors and hospitals will share info about such suspicious behavior amongst themselves.
Unicornnomore knows of which she speaks. So UNM, how could a husband ascertain whether she is pregnant or not? ‘Pee on this stick’ – sounds so straightforward!!
Depends on the person, their health and fertility. Just had my third and turned 40 in the same year. We weren’t even trying to conceive.
As I said ” not impossible but in no way easy.”
Cheaters have been know to ….LIE…and it is a very convenient one to cook up if she is facing having no where to live. It is the perfect clock of untouchability….to say she is pregnant. It puts her in a protected status, medically and legally.
It is just something he needs to be sure of before he moves forward.
*cloak*
I had my first baby at the age of forty five, and there was no medical intervention whatsoever. I did not try to get pregnant in any way, and was shocked when it happened. Mainly because I kept hearing it wasn’t possible. I was very happy, and had a beautiful, normal child. It’s also what saddled me with a cheater.
Carolyn – It’s so nice to read your post. I am 42 and never been married, and don’t have children but would still like to. It’s funny when you wrote that you kept hearing it’s not possible to get pregnant because of our age, but I do know so many people who got pregnant without medical intervention in their 40s. My coworker’s wife had her first child at 45 and another one afterwards without any medical intervention. I know of others as well, and they never had sex with their husbands, and bam, they are pregnant. So I am sick and tired of hearing people state that because you’re over 35 that it’s not possible to get pregnant. It is possible and reading stories like this, because it gives me hope that it’s possible for me too some day. Thanks for sharing.
Kellia, don’t lose hope! My first baby was at 40, second at 41, second pregnancy occurred before planned, no medical assistance other than my doc putting us both on 3 rounds of heavy antibiotics beforehand, because my ex had some evidence of infection that might have interfered w/conception.
But don’t waste time! Lots of women do get pregnant late, but many cannot, or need medical assistance. The longer you wait, the harder it gets.
There is a decline in fertility, but it’s not that large and it’s been oversold.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/
Kellia, I’m so glad my story was helpful. It’s amazing how many stories you hear of people having babies in their forties, naturally, after you start looking. I even saw a story on television recently about a Revolutionary War era woman who had her last baby at age 45.
I had never wanted to have a child with my first husband, due to his addiction, and after our split I thought it was too late because I was over 40. I just quit using birth control and ended up pregnant. My obstetrician asked me what I was thinking, and I said I didn’t think I would get pregnant, due to what you hear about pregnancy after 30. He told me “As long as you have a period, you can still get pregnant.”. So if you meet that criteria, there is hope. I have talked to many mothers who were told they “couldn’t ” get pregnant. Best wishes, for motherhood, I hope it works out if that it what you want.
After teens, women in their 40s are the largest group for unplanned pregnancies. It’s actually very common, and not nearly as difficult to get pregnant at this age than the media would lead you to believe.
GladIt’sOver, I heard that exact statistic on Oprah, years ago before I ever got pregnant.
But…there is a significant increase in chromosome abnormalities (though still in the minority of children born to over 40s)–anyone considering (or physically able) of getting pregnant should be taking 800 mcg of folic acid daily to help prevent both chromosome abnormalities and birth defects.
Oh gosh everyone, my eyes watered when I read all your posts!! I have saved each one and will re-read them. THANK YOU for all the support!! I don’t have any contact with my family of origin, since they are all incredibly cruel and so abusive. I would love to re-create a family of my own some day and I hope to have children. Otherwise, it’s a very isolating existence. And your posts give me so much hope. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.
Just to add one more hopeful anecdote, I have a friend who’s been working for over 30 years at a rural clinic that serves a large Amish and Mennonite community. She said it’s not at all unusual for women there to have their last baby in their mid to late forties.
I got pregnant six times after the age of 42 without any fertility treatment. Sadly they all ended in miscarriages, but I had already had 3 miscarriages in my early 30s so I believe age had nothing to do with it. If you really want a child and you are on your own, go for it anyway. I so wish I had now I am 52. Good luck with it.
Andrew I’m so sorry you are in this horrible situation. Watch out for the rage you will inevitably feel and which could be used against you with your traitor wife playing poor pregnant victim. Get a lawyer and get yourself away to safety. You are living with the enemy right now.
Linden – Thank you for the link to that article. It was a great read!
Hi Kellia, one more anecdote for you. Cheater #1 decided, in his oh-so-narc-way, he wanted a *legacy*. He gave me an ultimatum to have a child or a divorce (this was before d-day). This was at my 40th birthday dinner, no less. I had a history of bad periods (think three day cramps, nausea and bloat every month) and had been on the low-dose pill for around 20 years. I went off, had four months of three day nausea before I got pregnant. I had d-day when I was 12 weeks along and gave birth to Jr. when I was 42. I left, finally, when Jr. was 9 months old. I had bought into RIC and my conservative, religious upbringing and tried to save my marriage for the baby. So much for that cliche. I decided to leave so Jr. would never have a memory of his parents together.
The downside? I’m tied to C#1 for 5 more years until Jr. graduates from high school. I will also have to see him at graduations and other milestone occasions.
The upside? Oh, many sides! I no longer have all the baggage, debt and drama that Cheater #1 carries. I have a lovely, courteous, funny blonde boy who looks just.like.me. Many have commented that it’s almost like his dad wasn’t part of the equation. C#1 can’t seem to get his $hit together enough to see Jr. consistently, so he has very little influence on his life.
Her Blondeness – What a beautiful story you shared about your little boy. He sounds like a little prince. Life gave you such a beautiful gift. Your story warmed my heart. Thank you for sharing.
That was a great article. Thanks, Linden. Always follow the $$$/ Infertility treatment is massively expensive and profitable. Natural fertility, not so much.
I agree about the folic acid. I was worried when I found out I was pregnant, but it is in a lot of bread and cereal products so I was getting enough.
Regarding the chromosomal abnormalities, they have really good tests now that do not involve amniocentesis, which has about a 3% chance of causing miscarriage. I’m sure they have even better tests now, that was over a decade ago. Triple screen checks blood levels of indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, and they can do fetal measurements to determine them as well. It’s truly amazing.
Oh Other Kat, thank you for the beautiful hopeful anecdote! :o)
Kellia, let me just add my hopeful story too. I had my beautiful and entirely healthy daughter two months short of my 42nd birthday. When I was 44, I again fell pregnant – accidentally. I was still falling pregnant at the drop of a hat (and sadly miscarrying – but this was due to an autoimmune response in early pregnancy for which I need to take steroids, and which had already caused me to miscarry in my 30s, not necessarily to age) right up to the age of 45.
It all depends on your particular level of fertility. And there is another option: going the donor egg route, which most clinics will offer women up to the age of 50. With a donor egg your chances of having a healthy pregnancy are those of the age of the donor – so, with an egg from a 25 yo donor the miscarriage risk is BEAUTIFULLY low!
Best of luck to you.
Kellia, I read all your posts about hope for the future and children, and let me tell you that no matter your circumstances, it is worth it. I was left out of the blue when mine were 1 and 2, and the abject terror that kept me up at night, aside from the destruction of my dreams of our intact family, were all about their future daddy wounds. In getting counseling and working through my cloud of fear, I have gained some clarity in the last 2 years about this.
There will be a wound for them. It may be profound, it may not be. I will do all that’s in my power to mitigate that, but that aside, I don’t have any control over how their soul and psyche respond to the realization of what they’ve lost. My best friend found herself widowed when fast-acting cancer took her amazing husband in a matter of months, leaving her alone with FOUR kids, one of whom has autism. Her 4 year old daughter would cry every day and say she wanted her daddy back. MY friend has no control over that. Some people go off to war and never come back. There is no control over that. Some people have easy pregnancies, others are fraught with pain and life-threatening complications (like mine). NO CONTROL OVER THAT. It’s all part of the over-arching message that I’ve received from my cumulative therapies about the myth of control, and how embracing that lack of control can be the only thing that will keep us sane and happy in the long run. As Chump Lady says, we can only control ourselves. If you take that a step farther to ‘or the events of this insane world we live in’, you can find a whole new level of peace. I like control, so this does not come naturally for me. But it has helped more than I can tell you.
It’s also the one thing that allows me to abandon worry, live in the present moment, and get down on the floor to be silly with them. I made a video tribute to my kids on my blog. It’s about hope for their future, and how each soul born into this world has to find its way no matter the circumstances handed they are handed. Looking at them as being part of the grand timeline of humanity has actually made me feel the most hopeful I’ve felt since this all happened. I hope you enjoy it.
https://honeyandthehomewrecker.com/2016/06/24/for-my-littles/
Best of luck if you pursue parenthood. It’s where sheer terror and pure joy intersect…a strange intersection, to be sure! But there’s nothing better on earth. Hugs.
And cheated on and abandoned……well, I’ll never forget my 40th, that’s for sure!
I hear you! Currently rocking the single-parenting of a wreckonciliation preschooler at the youthful age of 45! Not what I signed up for, but she is the only thing good that came out of NOT kicking Cheater Ex out after D-Day#1.
In addition to the paternity issue (you really do need to verify it is or isn’t yours…), there is the possibility of disability with advanced maternal age. The same amino procedure that establishes whether there are genetic problems can verify DNA for paternity.
You need a lawyer. Yesterday. So sorry.
I think what SS was trying to get across is, DONT trust…
Not a debate on women conceiving after 40…
Susan, Thanks! 🙂
That is all I was conveying.
I now question EVERYTHING the Cheater said to me, and have been….sickened and thrown off balance at what I discovered.
I never grasped the extent mental disturbed people just lie like I would eat a Ritz cracker…to someone they “love”.
SS; Great delve into the deluded, selfish & controlling mind of the Cheaters!! So true, the bitch could be just trying to be the female “sad sausage” routine, trying to reverse it all around with her as the victim!
I thought it was brilliant. You know, I still can’t think like these people even when I am trying!
No wonder they feel so terrible about themselves they have to go get romanced by a low life loser.
Surely there are even some Ho’s that say they are pregnant just to get some quick money for the abortion that may not even happen.
THAT IS SICK!
~Sorry for the typos. Cheaters have a way of hijacking your day as soon as you wake up…muddling the brain. It is infuriating.
Yeah, he definitely needs to be sure. I can see where a desperate lying cheater would lie about that too, extra special cake!
Andrew, SabineSavoy makes some very good points. Forty year olds don’t just get pregnant that easily and the “pregnancy card” is used in a variety of ways by women of all ages! My Ex’s Schmoopie was over 50 and tried to use that ploy! You could get stuck if you are still married and she is indeed preggars with child support. Then you would have to do the whole DNA thing to establish paternity of this child. Sometimes the courts don’t give a rats behind because in thier eyes if she was legally married to you at the time of the birth then the assumption is you accept this child as yours regardless of paternity! I’ve seen it happen and it’s terribly sad! Get a lawyer who has experience in these kinds of screw stories. It may cost you now, but it will cost a lot more to raise another child. Not to mention the fact that her pregnancy, if it’s so, is considered high risk for her age. This child could be born with any number of problems making it very difficult to extract yourself from the situation!
My Fucktard’s Schmoopie was over 50 and had AN IUD and claimed to have gotten pregnant (trying to derail us during attempted reconciliation).
Ever HE laughed at the ridiculousness of the claim.
You cannot think to much about it- or you will stumble ( and possibly lose your mind) You just have to start the process (divorce, moving out,) and put one foot in front of the other. There are days when you will have to convince yourself that this is the reality. It seems so far fetched doesn’t it? And yet it is happening to you and to your son and your wife is the one causing all of the events. All of us here know it is painful. It isn’t easy! But it is real and the best thing you can do is protect yourself and your son. That starts with a phone call to a very good and competent divorce attorney.
Andrew I am so terribly sorry that this is happening to you.
I just hope that fear and pain that you are experiencing now will push you forward rather than paralyse you.
There are lots of great comments here already and more to come.
Just wanted to add that although the pregnancy greatly complicates things please dump her even if she is not pregnant or tries to “seduce” you with possible abortion.
Don’t fall for her bs, please divorce her asap and go NO contact!
Hugs, Andrew. You will get through this. Like CL says, it’s finite even if you can’t see it right now. Your new and happier life is on the other side of this! I promise you. One foot in front of the other. I’m cheering you on!
Andrew, so sorry to hear that you are in this situation! I agree with CL and all the others, the sooner you can get out of this situation the better (pending legal advice). I would suspect that your wife is going to only get crazier and more hormonal as her pregnancy goes on – who knows what kind of crazy she will start throwing your way. Stay strong and check in with Chump Nation when you need a sanity check!!
Dear Andrew,
I am so sorry you are going through this. On top of all the other great advice, be prepared to deal with her wrath when you do implement boundaries and tell her she has to leave. My STBXH took 9 weeks to move out of our house (emotional affairs, not for lack of trying & using joint funds to send money to scam artists). I had to push him, & he got nasty. As a man I think you need an adult witness or witnesses as it is too easy for you to be falsely accused of threats/intimidation. Check into the legality of recording devices in your house.
Also, please get tested for STD’s if you haven’t already. You’re a great dad, hang in there and good luck.
That is a great suggestion to have someone present to protect you from accusations. Maybe you could move a couple of supportive family members for you and your son. Maybe 100 and let it get a little crowded.
Andrew, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation due to no choice of your own. Having to live in that environment sounds impossible. I hope you get legal counsel as soon as possible, then get yourself and your son away from her.
Just when I thought I had heard it all. Man, so sorry you have to go through this. That’s a triple decker of a shit sandwich you have sitting on your plate! Listen to CL and get to an attorney or several attorneys today. Make sure you ask if they have any experience with a case like yours. It sounds complicated. Then get the hell out of that house. Find a way! If you are a chump like me, you feel you owe her something and have trouble leaving someone in her position. Don’t listen to that. She didn’t give a crap about you when she was getting pregnant by another man. Sorry you had to gone the I married a whore club. I am a recovering member and want you to know life will get better once you get away from this fucked up situation.
I’m a member of that club as well. Listen to Lostntx, you don’t owe her anything. She is no longer your wife, she is a stranger. Treat her that way. I know it seems impossible, especially since you truly loved her (or rather who you though she was), but now you know the truth. Be strong. Took me over two years of putting one foot in front of the other before I finally felt like I crested the hill. I’m on the other side and you will get there too.
Member #3! Wife of 24 hours was banging our daughters boyfriends dad, she didn’t get pregnant though but it’s an absolute shit sandwich. It’s taken me about 2 years to feel pretty normal but that really started to happen after I went complete No Contact. Follow the advice here and get to a lawyer to protect you and your son. I had to boot her out she wanted to stay to “save up” and find a place but after 3 weeks I Hefty bagged her shit and threw it in the garage. Good luck it does get better after the storm.
Andrew – Flat out, this sucks. You didn’t cause this, your son doesn’t deserve a whore for a Mom, and you can have a better life without her cheating ass.
PLEASE – get to a lawyer today. Then do EVERYTHING they tell you to do and nothing else.
Your wife knows how to push your buttons after 20 years, that is why no contact or as minimal contact as needed for your son is necessary.
You are ONLY 40… you have such a big amazing life ahead of you (as does your son)… There is a saying… “Fake it until you make it.” Trust your gut, make small decisions/baby steps, but keep moving forward until you feel your own MIGHTYNESS. It is in there.
You can do this… we are here for you and your son.
I agree with most of the advice you’ve received above.
Get a lawyer.
Get a therapist for you and your son (Maybe you’d benefit from seeing one jointly but you should also encourage your son to have a separate therapist and separate meetings. Your son will be torn by this experience. Your support of him will be essential but having an adult vested only in his interests, like a therapist, can help give him more tools for managing his pain, anger, and bafflement. Even if your son doesn’t want to go–get him to one appointment, The goal is to show him the path for getting more help if he needs it. Let him know he doesn’t have to continue if he doesn’t want to but that he can call and have appointments (including phone ones) should he change his mind at any point now that he’s met the therapist.)
Get your ducks in a row–figure out all the insurance issues, get copies of all financial records (or take the originals and leave the spouse the copies).
Document, document, document.
Think long and hard about leaving and getting your own place. Leaving the house seems like “losing” when you are in the middle of a crisis (as you are now), but I think most of us who have been through this (whether we got the house or left it) feel like the issue of who gets to live in the home was, in retrospect, a bit of a red herring. Housing is hugely important and very concrete. Arguing about the house or “getting” to stay in it feels like an accomplishment, but the really important parts of this crisis are getting out of the marriage and protecting your son–everything else is secondary and will get reshaped and put into perspective only after those two primary issues have been managed.
Good luck and best wishes.
Good point! Leaving the house could be very good for Andrew and his son, and keep them away from a dangerous and mentally unbalanced woman. Who doesn’t want their own 14 yr old son? A seriously damaged Kook.
Losing the home you’ve known, the house itself, and the family concept within it, does seem like a huge issue at the time. But, you can go somewhere else and be happy, it is just hard to let go. I know from experience, creating my family home took up so much of my time, and I walked away to save my sanity! Andrew is much better off anywhere else, so she can’t fuck with him daily.
But talk to a lawyer first; in some states moving out counts as abandonment and can go against a person in settlement and/or custody.
I thought it was bad when my ex told me that she let the OM come inside of her. For a man it feels like an invasion on so many levels and you can’t defend yourself because the enemy is your wife. And it’s just plain gross! I was still chumping around until she told me that. Soon as I heard that, something shut off in me and I was ready to divorce. Not to make light of your situation Andrew, but hopefully this did the same for you. So at least your heart is out of it, which makes being rational much easier.
I’m not sure about the legality but whatever it is you need to do start making moves. I would think it’s easier to document when you move away from her and shutdown communications except for emails and texts. Hopefully this is an option for you. She will for sure play the pregnancy to her advantage. I just hope you live in a no-fault state like I do.
Even better…. I saw text about how he was cumming on her face! Probably inside and out…. does kind of hit a guy hard I think…… Never will those images get out of ones head….. especially if you see them every day!
My lovely ex let me perform oral sex on her, a few hours earlier she’d had unprotected sex with lover boy…they really are classy these cheating women
Mickeyblueeyes, DavidB, Michael.
Well, it takes me a lot to be floored, but I never actually had a mind movie about any of this.
Probably because he was too ‘good’ to leave a stray text behind.
Talk about trying to shut that off in my head.
MY GOD.
There it is. She probably wanted him to come all over her face.
And…god knows where else.
I never thought about that rather….well, gruesome porno visuals when they F strangers…
Seriously, I sure didn’t need that visual in my head today.
Call me naive but learning every day here..
However, I DO appreciate it as it gives me more power that I’m at meh….I am SO over him!
Well, until further notice.
:-/
Please consider this alternative: put the unborn child’s needs first. He or she is completely innocent in this situation. It’s not always about what “makes you happy,” “getting her out of your head,” or “rebuilding.”
And how exactly would he ‘put the unborn child’s needs first’? And WHY would he do that; this is NOT his child, nor his choice. There are lots of ‘ completely innocent’ children in the world who deserve only the best, but they are not ours, and we can’t help them all.
I think it’s more important that he put the interests of the child he already has first; his son needs at least one sane parent, and a happy and peaceful home to grow up in. He won’t get that unless Andrew manages to get rid of this leech.
KarenE:
100% Agree.
Agree!
You’ve got to be shitting me. He doesn’t owe her or her unborn baby anything. That’s on his STBXW. All he needs to do is protect the child he has and let her “sort it out”.
The child has a father and it is not Andrew. I know of a man who swallowed the shit sandwich whole and raised OM’s children-there were two. The kids still don’t know. What they do know is that they never felt love by what they believe to be their dad and have suffered greatly because of this deception. They are now grown and their lives are a complete and utter mess. There is no way in hell I would ever recommend that Andrew sweep this under the rug and raise another man’s child, especially given his wife’s complete lack of remorse! That is just bad advice!
I agree, this child has a mother and s father. If it’s not Andrew’s, taking responsibility will only lead to heartbreak, for him. That’s a shit sandwich no one should be served or expected to choke down.
Violet: Spot on!
She fucked up and got pregnant by another man the she can deal with it. It’s not Andrews mess to clean up. He should have to take ZERO responsibility.
The mother can put the unborn child’s needs first which I seriously doubt she will do based on the behavior she is exhibit to her son. Some people should not be parents. Period. Again, this is not Andrew’s mess to clean up.
Putting an unborn child’s needs first in the obligation of the biological parents. Neither of these children should be raised in an atmosphere where the mother is deceitful, indifferent to her husband and first child, and not the slightest bit remorseful. Andrew’s obligation is to take care of his own mental health so he can be a sane, stable parent. His son is an innocent in this, too.
Perhaps the child’s mother should be putting the child’s needs first, instead of trying to play “pin the fatherhood on the nearest donkey.”
Bingo!
Both biological parents are grown adults. This baby is THEIR responsibility. They are grown enough to concieve it, they are grown enough to take care of it for the next eighteen years. It is unfair to try to guilt the betrayed husband into being a chump AGAIN.
+1
‘Sort It Out’- Do you understand betrayal? I think not. Andrew’s focus is properly on his son’s safety and mental health, and on his own life. His so-called “wife” fired him from caring about her, when she laid down with some guy she met. She happens to be carrying this guy’s child (maybe). Let HER focus on the baby! She helped create it! Andrew wasn’t there, had no say in those activities, and he has zero obligation to be involved in that!
How about we get “wifey’s” and BoyToy’s email adresses for you, and you send them some advice to help their baby get a good start in life?
Since their son is 14, Andrew is already well on his way to freedom from this whore. Taking responsibility for a child that is not his extends the hell of being connected to her to 18 years. If she is 9 weeks pregnant, she knew before she confessed and is playing him for a MEAL TICKET. AP doesn’t want her, she is trying for Plan B. Do not buy it.
I understand if the unborn is not OP, the unborn is half brother to his son. Any hatred or animosity towards the baby will only make things worse.
I also have a family member placed in the same situation but much younger. We have not thought any different and treated, loved the child as our own blood. The child is now an adult of which I am proud of. Parents stupidity should not reflect on how we treat the kid.
It has long term effects.
Andrew can be kind to his son’s half sibling. He may even decide, later, to have some connection with this child, if the mother permits that. But this situation, here, is not theoretical. The mother does not want to live with her legal husband, who is not the father. She also seems reluctant to do anything about that situation. It is her attitude and behavior that is selfish here. Once Andrew has some distance from the marriage, he may not even have contact with his XW’s child by another man. This situation is complicated by the wife’s lack of remorse and total indifference to the pain she is causing her husband and son. There’s nothing to work with there.
Nobody said Andrew should treat the baby like crap. What we’re saying, is he should not be responsible for it. Period.
At this point Andrew really doesn’t know who the baby daddy is. It seems she was doing both at the same time.
Bullshit! If he wants to put the unborn child’s needs first he can become a foster parent to any of the hundreds of orphaned children out there. This child his not his and the woman he thought was his wife is no longer his through her own betrayal and devaluing of her husband. He might as well go adopt a total strangers child. I get it’s not the baby’s fault and it will suck to be the child of two complete assholes, but this is not Andrew’s problem. Andrew needs to focus on him and HIS son.
Until andrew can prove the baby is not his, for now it just may very well be his problem. She was doing both guys at the same time.
Yes…Andrews appears TOO kind and empathetic. The baby is not in any jeopardy of harm from Andrew. The baby would be harmed by the disordered nut who is carrying him or her (if true) and the sperm donor.
But, Andrew cannot save the world. Can you imagine the horror and misery of Andrew being on the financial hook for essentially, the rest of his life…and sociopath and scumbag get to raise the baby, call the shots, while Andrew foots the bill?
I know you meant well with your comment…but the white hot fire of betrayal are not the same as gooey optimism and teddy bears. It is just not realistic, or even natural, for Andrew to put his welfare and his son’s above this stranger’s baby.
Truly, the best option for the unborn child, if true, would be adoption. There are MILLIONS of families who cannot conceive and want a newborn.
But that is still a shit sandwich because it is the son’s half sibling.
That is what cheater’s do…they create these shit tsunamis and she even has people across the pond fretting over her actions, (US) while she strolls through town with her cheater partner, oblivious and most likely, happy.
IMAGINE THAT.
It’s nine weeks, not a baby, abortion is an option. She isn’t parenting the child she already has and the young dick she fucked isn’t likely to do so. Call me cold if you like. She’s an asshole and shouldn’t bring another child into the world.
Yeah, she didn’t deserve the right to give birth due to her shit character. And just for the sake of saying, is the unborn chils really innocent? She/he is produced by a whore mother and a low life scum father.
Andrew – I feel for you. This is extreme chaos. It’s bad enough she’s breaking up the family, but to create a child with another person, in such a chaotic environment, oh boy. I feel bad for you, your son and this new child who will be born into a completely unstable environment. Get a lawyer and protect yourself, from a person, who seems clearly mentally disturbed. And your wife has no idea what she’s in for. 26 year olds nowadays, are nowhere nearly mature enough to take care of themselves, let alone a newborn. Yes there are exceptions, but I doubt this situation is one of those. And I have a feeling, once things blow up with this 26 year old, your wife may be coming back knocking on your door, because you’ll be useful again to her for some b.s. reason. Please get a lot of support for the sake of your son and your own mental sanity.
Andrew, so very sorry that you are experiencing this terrible version of infidelity. Please listen to CL and get to a lawyer today. It’s Thursday! Call today so you can either get in before the weekend or first thing Monday. Be prepared to file for full custody and fight for that; she is likely to change her mind about your son when it occurs to her that Schmoopie has no money and custody = child support. Your son will have some say in the outcome, but be careful not to say anything that can be construed as alienation. Get tested for STDs.
Then, do what we tell all chumps after DDay: get your ducks in a row. Gather your family paperwork: bank and investment statements, birth certificate for you and your son, son’s social security card, tax documents, passports, etc. Put that stuff in a sate place. Run a credit check on your wife to make sure she isn’t supporting Schmoopie or running up a lot of debt. Cancel any credit cards you don’t use.
Tell your family and your closest friend. Get your support system lined up. Lawyer, therapist(s), physician. Exercise, eat, get into a routine that will keep you healthy in this stressful situation.
Of course you are no longer having sex with her. Do not put yourself and your son at risk legally because you crave contact and crumble at manipulative signs of affection. Follow your lawyer’s advice about leaving the home; there may be ramifications. But I like the suggestion about putting it up for sale, pending divorce. But here’s another idea. Spend a few hundred dollars on an appraisal now, so that when you get into negotiations, you have a realistic number. When I divorced XH, I got a figure from the bank that hold our mortgage and the appraiser that represented our equity. I told him one way or the other I was done with the marriage and I offered to either buy out his half or have him buy out mine. If you have, say, $60,000 in equity, $30,000 might sound like a lot to your XH right now. She’s not thinking straight right now, but she seems sure she doesn’t want to stay married. If you play your cards right, she might give up a lot for some cash to start over or be willing to take over the mortgage so you can. Just a thought. It worked for me and my XH would have preferred to avoid a divorce. But his lawyer buddy told him it was a good deal. I gave him everything in the house, too. It was a blessing to me to start over, clean.
My advice is to be “nice” and help her get sorted. That doesn’t mean you aren’t walking around with a knife in your guy; it means that you are willing to be tough enough to navigate this awful situation in order to make a life for you and your son. Give some thought to what you want before you talk to the attorney and then execute your plan. One way to get her out of your head is to get one of the two of you out of the house. Take the lead and save yourself and your son. You don’t deserve this.
And read yesterday’s post about knowing when a marriage is over. Your marriage is OVER. It burns like fire to be betrayed, but if you move through the pain instead of trying to make it go away, you will be on the other side and into a new life that doesn’t included raising your wife’s baby by some doofus.
I would imagine Andrew’s cheater is now hanging in at the marital home because her scumbag lover has let her know that he doesn’t want a pregnant 40 year old! She was good enough for him when she was available to screw, but no 26 year old guy wants some over the hill pregnant woman depending on him! To him it was probably all fun and games! Andrew needs to get her out of his house and divorce her in record time. The bad part about all of this nonsense is the fact that he will probably end up having to give her 50% of everything anyways in the divorce! It’s a huge shit sandwich for the faithful spouse to swallow! Our legal system needs to get with the times. No way should a woman who betrays her husband should gain anything in a divorce due to her adultery!
This is from Dadsdivorce.com
“Question:
I am separated from my wife who is currently pregnant with another man’s child.
I understand that the child is “presumed” to be mine since I am married to the child’s mother, but is there some document or paternity paperwork I can file with my divorce papers to ensure I am not held responsible for a child that is not mine?
Answer:
I am unable to give you legal advice on divorce. I can give general divorce help for men, though, my knowledge is based on Michigan divorce and paternity laws where I am licensed to practice.
One of the strongest presumptions in the law is that a child born during a marriage is “issue of that marriage.” You are correct in your statement that since you are still married that the law presumes that you are the father of the child that your wife is carrying.
However, there is a way of having the court acknowledge that this child is not a child born of the marriage, and therefore you are not the child’s legal father. In Michigan, where I practice, this is known as a Serafin hearing. See Serafin v. Serafin, 401 Mich 629; 258 NW2d 461 (1977).
While each court may have a different way of conducting these hearings, the court must find by a clear and convincing evidence that you are not the biological father of this child. This can be accomplished in several ways, DNA testing, tissue testing, but most often testimony from the parties is utilised “
Oh, and before ANYBODY jumps on my over the hill remark I want to make it clear that in the eyes of a 26 year old, she has used up her usefulness to him. I in no way am insinuating that 40 is decrepit, but you have to look at it through the very young OM’s eyes. And pregnant to boot! Hell, she was probably just a whole lot of “fun” to him and in his young mind he probably felt she was past child bearing years!
Or that she was using birth control.
Still, he should have wrapped that rascal. What an imbecile.
A lot of people think they won’t get pregnant, until it happens to them. One of my friends got married at 35 and she got pregnant right away after the wedding. Her husband who is the same age, told her, I didn’t think you were going to get pregnant that quickly. You’re having unprotected sex, what do you think will happen? Shaking my head at how some people are total imbeciles.
I’m waiting for the announcement my ex got OW pregnant. We did not have to use contraceptives after my second one was born because I could no longer conceive, and he’s just too stupid to think of that. Even if she says she can’t have kids, how does he really know? He doesn’t. He’s just trusting that this known liar and manipulator is telling the truth. She’s never been married, with two other children and the best way to hook him to her forever is having a baby. If this happens, I only feel bad for the baby.
For sure, a lot of these guys don’t use protection. My Ex was white as a sheet when Schmoopie dropped the bomb on him that she might be pregnant! I just laughed my ass off at him while he pleaded with me to “google the odds of a 50 year old getting pregnant.” I knew Schmoopie was already into menopause though because when he forced me to communicate with Princess on Facebook (prior to the affair) she had already discussed her menopause with me! BTW, who does that? Oh yeah! No class sluts! Anyways, I got a small kick out of watching old boy go crazy and I knew it was a BS attempt to get him to leave me.
What was wrong with his fingers that he couldn’t Google for himself? “Sorry love that I cheated. While you still fulfil your role of secretary / wife for me”.
I hope you did hope on the nearest computer and tell him, “Huh, that’s funny. Turns out Google thinks you’re a piece of shit too”.
*”Will you” not “While you”.
Andrew, so many of us forget that for every cheating man there is a cheating woman. Because men do not blog about this as often we forget that there are heartbroken husbands just like heartbroken wives. I am so sorry this happened to you. Your wife has checked out of the marriage completely. She appears to be a selfish, whiny woman who has maneuvered you for years. Marriages are set in concrete and we develop habits, sometimes bad, sometimes good, so trying to get that marriage fixed is like blowing up concrete. Don’t even try. The only person you can change is yourself and the first thing you need to do is get your ducks in a row. Document document document. Courts are not allowed to feel sorry for you. You have to present facts. If you can show that your wife is pregnant by another man your state may allow a lot of leeway. Other states do not. If you think that your state and the attorney you talk to are not in your best interest then think about….. if you can possibly choose an option to move across state lines. If you can keep your job so much the better. Your priority is your son. He loves his mother. He might say he hates her but he still loves her. That’s biology. You probably love who you thought she was. These emotions are going to take time. Right now your legal obligations and your son should be primary. Think about the house if you can. Do you really need it? I often wonder why we all feel compelled to have grass. If you do not have a grazing animals why do you have grass? Think about getting out of that place that probably makes you mow the grass, rake leaves, fix gutters, and generally do maintenance when you should be doing something else that gives you pleasure. My suggestion for any man who is single and wants to live on his own, is to find a small cabin in the woods with nothing but trees. You need a screened in porch, a kitchen, a family room, a couple of bedrooms, a bathroom and nothing else. You will find so much more freedom when you get rid of all the trappings of this 21st-century life. You pare it down until When you wake up in the morning you can think about finding joy in your life and not the burden of all the stuff that you carry with you. You sound about the age my brother was when he died and I can tell you that the house he lived in meant nothing to him, his family meant everything. GO GET THAT ATTORNEY ASAP!!!
‘My suggestion for any man who is single and wants to live on his own, is to find a small cabin in the woods with nothing but trees. You need a screened in porch, a kitchen, a family room, a couple of bedrooms, a bathroom and nothing else.’ – <<This!
I was in Andrew's shoes 2 years ago (not with a pregnant wife though!) 'Let Go' is right…I argued over the family home and tried to get my cheating STBXW to leave, but she wouldn't, it was her home, she had furnished it etc…
Fine i thought, stay in the house we'll let the lawyers sort that out in the divorce. I got my shit together, spoke to my dad who loaned me the money to put a rental deposit on an apartment, bought some cheap but decent furniture. It was small ,but comfortable, 2 of my kids shared a bedroom, me and my eldest son shared the other bedroom. when my kids stayed I slept on the couch and my eldest stayed in my bedroom (i made sure he had fresh sheets etc). I was there for 6 months, it wasn't ideal but it was a place to get away and start healing.
It's amazing what you can do when you have control back over your life, I managed to save up enough for a rental deposit on a 4 bedroom house after 6 months, we all have our own bedrooms a small garden – its not mine, its not ideal but it works and we are happy.
I'm still in the process of sorting out what we do with the family home and its a long battle and still not fully recovered, but you have to get out for your own sanity and to start discovering who you are and what she is!
Also are you 100% certain she is pregnant? She's a liar, you won' believe what depths these disordered types will go to hide the truth. It sounds terrible but don't be surprised if all of a sudden she miscarries…I've heard of cheaters claiming they have cancer for the sympathy and attention..sorry that last paragraph sounds like an awful thing to say and I thought twice about posting it, but don't under estimate how low they can go.
{Man hugs}
“I’ve heard of cheaters claiming they have cancer for the sympathy and attention..sorry that last paragraph sounds like an awful thing to say and I thought twice about posting it, but don’t under estimate how low they can go.”
My ex claimed cancer.
Mickey…great advice for the OP’s situation. What Andrew may need from us is a to-do list. Figuring out what to do in what order is so hard when the emotional turmoil hits.
Saddam refused to leave our home and I couldn’t afford to rent a place and pay the bills on ‘our’ house, it was mine to start with. He nearly killed me! sometimes you need to think bigger, especially if your spouse has become scary abusive. I was too practical and didn’t want my home of over 20 years to go into foreclosure. The trauma was not worth it. OTH if there is nothing like that many people can’t afford to leave when their disordered asshole won’t pay the bills if you do, so tellining him leave regardless can just cause more stress to someone who feels pretty powerless already
I went to see every lawyer in our small town within 3 days of finding out, I got my free hour with all 3 firms, picked the one I least wanted to have an argument with… My father told me ‘if she’s a pit bull…hire her/him”.
Where I live if you even have a free meeting with a lawyer/firm the spouse cannot approach that firm to represent her as its a conflict of interest, I didn’t know this until I met with the last firm I spoke to. This meant my stbxw had to drive 20 miles cross state to the next law firm. ?
On a serious note..get a lawyer, don’t feel sorry for her…she’s a shit!
Durtbag tried to claim he had some brain/neurological problem. I didn’t bite and he dropped that pretty quick, only to replace it with another crazy pity play and then another. This week he was just cold as ice and trying to keep a lid on his rage because I refuse to see him without non-biased witnesses in attendance.
Andrew and his son will be better off without that kind of low rent crazy in their lives. It sucks I know, but give it time and the trauma bond love/hopium will mostly be replaced.
Exactly. You would be shocked at how many are bad at math or (I assume) think that men are having affairs with other men. When I question the conventional wisdom that men have more affairs than women I ask them with whom do they think the men are having their affairs, other men?
A small percentage see the light and admit they never really thought of it. Others start offering excuses for the woman suggesting she didn’t know he was married or some other such marginalization of the idea that affairs are a gender neutral activity “enjoyed” equally by both men and women.
Andrew, the Chumplady’s advice is sound. Get a lawyer, then, according to his/her advice, get out with your son. Then, get some therapy.
You will feel SOOO much better once you get out of there. Your son, though conflicted, will most likely realize who blew everything up and who didn’t.
This is a horrible situation. Before you do anything of it if your beliefs pray and seek guidance enjoy your next step. Please know that any shame that you may feel, anger, confusion is normal.
Breathe.
Find a good attorney before you leave the marital home. You don’t want to do anything that may be viewed as abandonment. It’s sometimes harder to get back into the home once you leave. You also don’t want to set up any precedent that you can pay for two places as well. Your attorney will help you develop a good strategy as well as your rights within your state.
Finally I may as someone else suggested inviite a relative or friends to live there with you as a diffuser to help you maintain your sanity and son. A woman that feigns pregnancy may also falsly accuse you of abuse.
Besides you and your son there is another innocent that just may be your unborn child.. Prayers for all involved.
Auto correct..should say see guidance before your next step.
Hugs to you. That is awful and you need to save your sanity as CL explains. Save your son, and save yourself, so you can be sane for your son. He needs a good, solid father right now.
Thanks for the reply CL and all the comments, she has an appointment today about the pregnancy and yes he did turn up must to my amazement.
The lad is a total arse, why did he have to take my wife, why couldn’t he get someone his own age.
She is as much to blame and I know she’s being throwing money at him left right and centre.
My problem is that although I know she is rotten to the core I feel that deep down I love her and right now I’m not strong enough to say ‘go to him your his problem, not mine’
I know you love her, it’s 20 years you’ve invested in your family. Do you have someone close to talk to, family, counselor, priest, men’s group?
Have you talk to an atdifferent attorney yet?
Autocorrect!!!
Andrew, I am so very sorry you and your son have to endure all this!
“My problem is that although I know she is rotten to the core I feel that deep down I love her and right now I’m not strong enough to say ‘go to him your his problem, not mine’”
It is very super painful and extremely frustrating the time and effort it takes for our heart to catch up with our head. Really facing the fact that the person I thought I was married to only existed in my head was the most devastating yet the most liberating realization of this whole mess.
Reading books on Cluster Bs and going through a hell of a divorce helped me put down the hopium pipe and stop spackling. What I was left with is seeing my X as he is: a world-class duplicitous liar who has an oscar-worthy poor sausage routine so ingrained I believe he actually believes his own lies. Then he falters in his actions, and blameshifts and gaslights because he can’t face his own failures. He is not aging well, and almost two years post-DDay, I still mourn the husband I thought I had.
The sooner you detach from her and go NC as much as possible, the more you will be able to mourn your wife and see the pregnant person you are married to as she truly is: a duplicitous disrespectful cake-eater.
In addition to the excellent advice from CL and CN about lawyering up and addressing living/communications arragement, I would add to start doing as many things with your son as possible without your STBX.
Your son is 14 (cue to raging hormones) and you have a lot of rage to get out of your system, so I would suggest you start doing some intense sport together (e.g. krav maga, tae kwondo, mountain biking). Schedule 2 times a week and at least once over the weekend, this will give you both something to look forward to and will be a sane, healthy, rigorous physical activity heaven you can rely on to get away from the insanity and drama she is creating in your lives.
(((Andrew)))
Chumptitude I don’t have enough hands to applaud you for that well thought out bit of wisdom that you just delivered. Your ex had to have been the biggest idiot to have chosen not to embrace your fabulousness!!
YOU deserve the absolute best life has to offer and i have a funny feeling YOU will get all. Smiles to ya!
Thank you SureChumpedAlot, for your kind words! Despite the ongoing shit sandwiches and the hurt of being cheated on, I believe that my best days are ahead, in the land of Meh, surrounded by stellar chumps like you :)!
Smiles again to you….FYI….I just put a little seasoning on my shit-sandwiches and gobble em up – doesn’t even taste like shit anymore.
You don’t have to tell her to leave. You need to get a life plan for yourself and your son together. You can love her to the end of time. But that won’t make the baby go away or turn her into a good wife and mother. If you can’t be strong for yourself, be strong for your son, who needs to see that you won’t tolerate this abuse.
You are still in shock. Turn off the money faucet. Protect yourself. When the OM walks away or she kicks him to the curb, she may turn back to you not out of love but to further use you and take advantage of you. It’s fine to still “love” the woman you though you were married to. It will take a while (and some counseling and reading about disordered people) for your heart to process what your mind knows. For you to stop wanting to turn the clock back to the point where you trusted her, even if she was not trustworthy.
Get some legal advice. Take control of your finances. Figure out what you want–who you are as a man and how you want to live.
+1 GREAT ADVICE
“Figure out what you want–who you are as a man and how you want to live.”
This for me is what it’s all about…once you get out and start to make sense of it all you will realise it was her all along and not you, and despite the shit you will have to deal with even years down the line you will be happy with who you are as a person and…
THAT IS ONE GREAT FEELING!
Andrew:
I am in a waiting room right now…for medical help with a BRAIN INJURY because I loved someone even though “I KNEW HE WAS ROTTEN TO THE CORE”.
Go back and read what you wrote. Loving someone who is ROTTEN TO THE CORE will destroy your sanity and your health.
I am not being mean. I am trying to help you.
Go up to the top up the this site and reread the basics of cheaters and their nature CL has written. It is all true.
Your wife was naked, and allowed another man to fuck her. Many times. You said above she spent YOUR money on another man. *She violated ever promise she ever made to you*
Andrew- get strong to walk away from someone who would so willingly kick you in the teeth for her own pleasure. If you stay with her, she will have dose after does of misery for you and your son.
She willingly took you and your son’s life and just shit all over it. Don’t be her janitor.
Think with your mind, and not with sentimental fantasies or HOPE. This is what brings us down.
Your right, she will destroy him just like she has done to me, she has no feelings for what she’s done.
Yes this is the woman who told the OM that we weren’t sleeping together when in fact we were even to the extent that the Friday before this all happened on the Monday we had sex.
So typical. These cheaters tell the other person they aren’t having sex, when they are full well having sex with their spouse, affair partner, others, etc. It’s a free for all. Yet, they claim they are prudes and not having sex with others. Rrrrrright. They’re not having sex, like I’m Mother Theresa.
Had sex on Thursday, DD the following Friday. I hate him for that too! Get a lawyer now and start the process. Please do not rely on those love feelings you still have to cause you to be financially responsible for this child for the next 21 years.
If you can’t listen to the women on this site right now that’s okay, listen to the men. They have your back and will tell you the truth.
All cheaters tell the co cheater they aren’t having sex with the spouse. I can’t guarantee my ex told his whore that but I bet he did.
SAME! Told the OW our marriage was over and sexless. We had sex in the afternoon and then he went to her place and had sex with her later ON THE SAME DAY. Disgusting. I did not agree to be a willing participant in this sort of filthy arrangement. I’m sorry but do NOT believe anything your wife is saying. The magnitude of a cheater’s dishonest is astounding! A free-for-all indeed.
Look, as one male chump to another, words are cheap. Back in 2003 I was sorta where you were, but no bun in the oven. I thought I failed her. That her affair was my fault, etc.
It took me 6-9 months to get some real clarity.
But here is the deal, words are cheap.
You can’t trust what she says.
Trust what she does.
She had an affair.
She got pregnant by another man.
I have another idea for you. Don’t give her the chance to decide. YOU DECIDE what you are going to do. If I were in your shoes, it would be getting her out of the marital home ASAP. Protect YOUR child. Be the adult here.
You may “feel” like you are in love. The deal is, you are in love with something/someone who doesn’t exist. Your love for her is as much a fantasy as her affair was. Her affair exposed the fantasy nature of your marriage.
No judgement here, I was there too. Someone who loves you doesn’t have an affair. If you love her, but she doesn’t love you, you don’t have a marriage, you have an unhealthy relationship.
I don’t really give a rip that she’s pregnant. She needs to be out of the home.
See a lawyer, protect yourself and your child. Get her out of the home and get her signed up to start paying you some child support for your kid while she’s gone. Get it documented that the child IS NOT yours.
This is the time to put those feelings in a compartment somewhere and do what is best for your kid and you.
It’s like the oxygen mask on a plane. Get yours on first and then take care of your kid. Address that first.
Then believe nothing she says and everything she does or doesn’t do.
As another male chump, Uni is spot on. It took me several months to break free. Forget what society has taught us. This is NOT your fault! I dealt with that for a long time. My fault she cheated because of xxx. That’s bullshit! She cheated because she wanted to. No the marriage wasn’t good but I sure as hell didn’t take the opportunities I had to cheat. I was faithful. Your a good person. It’s going take time to fall out of love. I’m about 14 months out and still have days I feel love for her. My heart is finally catching up with my heart though. I now almost immediately switch focus to how she betrayed me and lied to me when that happens. You will get there too. It totally sucks but you have to do it.
Andrew, please seek legal counsel. A year from now you could be screwed for life if the court determines you should support this child even though it isn’t yours. It happens. That should scare the shit out of you! The court ordering you to support a child that isn’t yours would be a lot worse than leaving someone you thought you loved. Get ahead of that situation now! You need to take action on that tomorrow. Hope you come back for support and to update us.
lostntx -‘t’s going take time to fall out of love.”
^^^^This. This is what I figured out towards the end. I suffered terribly because I really didn’t care (at first) what he did, I just wanted him to love me like I loved him.
The erosion of that ‘love’ for 36 yrs just rotted away after 3 yrs of getting out of each others’ lives.
And, I realized I had to fall totally out of love with him.
It was so gradual and painful and I kept falling apart over it….how could he leave our dogs? how could he be this cruel that he could say or do that….what an asshole during the divorce process….
And, one day, I realized I love him much less and wonder what I really saw in him.
I certainly didn’t see cheater, liar, thief, controller, meanie.
But I sure as hell see it now.
I suppose I’ll always love him in a nostalgic way . . but I always FORCE myself into how he tried to kick me out of my own home to move the scrotum-supportor in. That kills my little ‘fantasy’ for the rest of the year.
Great points. It’s taken me about 2 years to fall out of love with my ex after she cheated and dumped me. It’s so gradual but complete no contact is the way, and yes I will start thinking of her but jolt myself back to reality when I remind myself how she imploded the family. To think 24 years together and she had to start cheating and lying just as our daughter was entering her last year of high school. What a bitch. I could hear she got run over by a train and I wouldn’t give a shit now.
Andrew we know that you love her.
But this is not the time for feelings. You have a very narrow opportunity window to do things right so that it will benefit you and your son for years to come.
I was crazy in love with my husband and wanted to stay even though he did not work, had an affair and wanted to have us both… Cake eater.
Luckily had a friend who works in family court and she told me:
“This is not the time for loving and crying even if thats the only thing you want to do.
First get the permission to take the kids out of this country so that you can go back to the UK, get some money and divorce his ass.
Use the time he is “cunt-fused” and feeling guilty and get all you need!!!
Once the shit hits the fan, the opportunity is gone”
Which basically means that once your lovely wife gets the taste of reality,
It will get much harder to protect yourself and your son.
Let me tell you, four years on, leaving this selfish, lazy asshole was the best decision of my life.
Andrew,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. When you are faithful and you invest so many years into your marriage and family it is not easy to think about letting go. I am only 22 days separated from my husband. One thing I have realized is that the most healthiest and best decisions for my life will more than likely be the most painful and difficult decisions for me to make. Deciding to walk away or to stay is never a easy decision. I still love my husband deeply and this is really painful. I truly believe my decision to walk away is defiantly the best decision for me even with all the pain and hurt that I currently feel. I wish you the best in your situation. Sending huge ((hugs)) your way.
Andrew, it hurts like Hell to tell them to go to the OM/OW. That they are their problem now! But sometimes it is the most difficult things we must do that bring about solutions or closure to our situations. You have to grit your teeth and show some “tough love”! These are what I view as defining moments because people are forced to make choices. I filed on my Ex and after fighting the idea of mediation I changed my mind and agreed. Best thing I ever did. Or at least one of the best things. I also kicked his butt out and made Schmoopie responsible for him and his declining health. Needless to say that after a two year love fest on every weekend, the stress of everyday actually living together lasted only four months! Sometimes you just have to make the hardest and most heartbreaking decisions that will bring about a better life for you and your children. It’s not about the cheater anymore, it’s about you and the family!
Roberta,
Thank you. This really helped me today!
I loved mine as well. She didn’t return it. How many more years do you want to waste?
Jim,
Really, that is right to the point! Who wants to be with someone that doesn’t love!
It’s a real shit Sandwich when you have kids though…. I have to daughters. One is 20 the other is 15 and on 3 yrs left to not have to deal with her.
I know this is six months out, but here’s a truth I learned from my divorce.
It doesn’t hurt to love the person she was, or at least who I thought she was. The reality is that she is someone different now, and I can’t love that person. But the love I had for who she was is real, and is still part of me. I’m sad that person is no longer in my life. I’m glad the person she is now is not in my life.
Your situation SUCKS. We all feel for you. You can take the time to work out all the details of how you feel about you, and who she is, and who she was, once you have separation and some closure. Right now, you need to get that separation and closure, and protect yourself and your son. If she won’t leave, the two of you should (subject to the advice of a good lawyer).
(((Hugs)))
aeronaut
Andrew:
I am so sorry for you and your son. I am also sorry for that unborn child, but for different reasons.
See the lawyer YESTERDAY! Chump Lady is spot-on with this advice. Do not tell your wife that you are seeing one. She doesn’t have to know. You do not owe her this information. Just find out your rights in your state. Get your ducks in a row before you tell her.
And get the therapy. You need a therapist. Your son needs a therapist. He’s just been rejected by his own mother, and he needs to work through this to see that it’s not his fault.
Also, brace yourself. Once Baby Daddy disappears because he was in it for the fun and sex, and not because he was in it for twu wuv, and once your wife sees you’re serious about divorce, she’ll try to hoover you back in. She’ll tell you she had a midlife crisis, she was lost in the fog, etc. Between trying to shift some of the blame on you (she did it to get your attention!) and distancing herself from her own responsibility, she’ll have you spinning around.
Stay strong on this. Model to your son that some things are deal-breakers. Show him that you are dealing with this in as clean a manner as you can, and that you are following the rule of law in the divorce. Keep it as clinical as you can around your son, and vent with your therapist.
Hugs.
Today I saw them walking in town together like loves young dream, it makes me feel sick.
She will expect to come back here tonight like nothing’s happened.
I hope that the OM does get bored and runs, hopefully then she will see what she’s actually thrown away.
I’ve got a recording of them talking on the phone and she clearly says ‘I want to destroy him’ …….. Well you’ve pretty much done that love.
I’ve spoken to a solicitor( I’m in the uk) and I can’t legally throw her out, she has a right to be in the house and I pretty much stuck until she decides to make the first move.
Perhaps you can get her a place then? Also, I do not recall you saying…but did you have a vasectomy in years gone by? Do you own the home or are you renting? Lots of things for your brain to consider while your heart catches up.
You are not “stuck”…you can take your son and leave, and then sort out the housing and finances over time. First things are first. Get her a place if possible to get her away from you…or move out yourself. As long as you stay, the Court might look at that (along with sleeping with her) as your forgiving her. Dont let that happen.
And YES…turn off the money faucet or you may as well just hand your cash over to the OM yourself. Shut that down!
No I’ve never had a vasectomy, she is adamant it is his and has even said ‘I can even remember the day it was conceived!!!!!!!!!!!!
We own the home in joint names. He has his own place but for some reason she won’t move in with him and refuses to say why.
She is sleeping on the sofa downstairs.
Surely it’s him that should be finding her a place?
She may not want to move in with him, because she may want claims to the marital home. She is pregnant and maybe the marital home is bigger than the OM’s place. I’m not sure of his accommodations, but maybe she figures, she can stay in the marital home, and throw you out, so she can have her baby there and have the OM move in with her. I mean at 26 years old, I doubt he is living in a home like you are, it’s likely to be an apartment. So she is lining up to dig her claws in the marital home. But again I’m guessing. I wouldn’t move out if I were you.
He’s probably living with his parents.
Lol, and smoking pot and playing video games.
Ha this is funny cause in my situation the om was 27 and lived at home with his mum, and played video games that I prob payed for….
The way I read this, Andrew, is that your wife is all bluster. The OM has his own place but she won’t move there? It’s probably a bedsit over a betting shop, which is where my Cheater’s OW was! Your cheater’s still in the house because her game was cake-eating…sleeping with him and you at once. She did not expect to get caught, did she?
Naming the OM as father? My guess is she just isn’t sure and is just creating drama to make you move out. Then she can entertain OM in your house. My cheater tried that too while I was on business trips. I just changed the locks and put his crap on the curb. You may not be able to do that, but you do need to see a different lawyer who is more of a barracuda.
I hate seeing men have to leave the marital home when chumped. See if your lawyer advises putting the house up for sale now.
I clearly recall telling myself “but I still love him!” when my brain could clearly see he was long gone emotionally. You actually have a recording of her saying she wants to destroy you. My cheater attempted to poison me. Please…believe them when they want you gone, sometimes they mean it literally.
Look at any recent photos of her…and you will see the evil eye – they all get that lizard-eye thing when they hate you. I gasped when I looked back and spotted his evil stare, which I had never noticed at the time I took the photos.
I still had a part of me that just wanted everything back to “normal”. It just takes a few days to get your emotions clear enough that your survival instincts kick in.
My hope for you is that the eureka moment hits you soon…that she is scum who needs to clear off. I recall waking up in the night and admitting to myself that it was time to get tough. So glad in retrospect that I did. You may have to endure some rubbish treatment but better to start the process now. I suspect they cannot do a paternity test until well after the child is born, so brace yourself to be patient,
Yes the evil lizard eye! When my ex whore came home on a Sunday night after being gone all weekend “with the girls” she came into the bedroom happy as a clam saying “Hi!!!!” to me and our daughter (we were watching tv) and I didn’t respond but just cleared my throat…and she shot me this look of disgust and contempt and turned around and walked away. I threw her ass out the next morning. I saw it was pointless.
It sounds like there’s a chance that the baby is yours, then. I wouldn’t let that change your divorce plans, but when you get your legal advice, plan out what happens both ways: if the baby is yours, and if it isn’t. You’re not going to know the real answer for a while.
Andrew, he probably can’t support her as well as you do. If she is “in love,” and he could support her, she would be gone. You may not be able to make her leave, but you can sit down and tell her what YOU WANT TO HAPPEN. Do you want her to leave? Would you rather leave? Do you want to sell the house? Or do you want her to buy you out? If you are unwilling to continue with the status quo, she will have to adapt to you. Don’t wait for her to decide. YOU decide.
Uh, he probably has a wife, girlfriend or roommates. You deserve so much better than this.
Make sure you secure a fantastic lawyer. Right now, you’re not going to be thinking clearly, so you need someone who can do it for you. I can’t stress how important this is.
Andrew, UK is a whole kettle of fish different, and I don’t think any of us are UK Solicitors.
Listen to me: Go to your GP and get on some meds to help you. You sound like you are still in “love” with her (I understand, believe me) and seeing them walk through town…..it is psychological torture. It is too much for you to bear.
She is crazy and ruthless to do this to you. Do you get that at least? You are in love with a crazed, cruel woman who would shove your face in her cheating.
Because you are in the UK, I am not sure how you should proceed but they do have private investigators there. Hire one.
And…I am hesitant to advise anything that would jeopardize your rights to your home, but I am not sure you can maintain sanity and live with her.
Go find the best, most aggressive solicitor you can and figure out how to get away from her without losing property rights or money. As advised above, tell her nothing.
*YOU CANNOT LIVE WITH HER WHILE SHE IS ACTIVELY FUCKING AND MOONING OVER ANOTHER MAN.*
You may snap and do something to ruin your life and your son’s….because your life is not ruined and you can escape this selfish crazed human garbage dumpster. You can…and you will!!!
Is there anyway you and your son could take a breather? The Chunnel over to France, the train up to Scotland…somewhere to clear your head a moment and NOT see them canoodling in town?
Just a holiday…so you can get your mind right. But get the solicitor and P.I. lined up first.
I’ve got crystal clear recording of them talking together, the first one is very sexually explicit from both of them, then they go on to talk about looking at places to rent ( this recording is how I found out in the first place)
Then they talk about the pregnancy tests she’s done, you see I found out before all her plans were in place to just leave.
Even though I have all this the uk courts will not use it as evidence and will divide everything 50/50
Go consult with another solicitor. UK has the toughest slander/defamation laws in the world. A crafty solicitor can come up with something that can bitch slap her for adultery. There has to be a way because there are nasty British divorces where there is a “victor.”
If you are close to London, that is where the shark solicitors will be.
The first solicitor you meet with may not be the best one.
I am an American lawyer, and some lawyers are lazy. When they catch wind a case will be “hard” they they are not interested in having to roll up their sleeves and duke it out.
So, they are discussing an apartment? *Encourage her to move out with him, very nicely.* That would be perfect. Let them sign the lease with the property agent and be on the hook for her living expenses.
I know your heart tells you that you want her to stay, as hard it is to believe, after her betrayal. But, this is not a good move.
You might lose your mind, or lose it and she could call the police and then she will hold ALL the cards if there is even a whiff of domestic disturbance. They talk of destroying you. This is a dangerous person.
Andrew…go find another solicitor. One who likes to fight. I am thinking of your protection.
I divorced in the UK, and fifty fifty is all you get from proceeds of house, etc. But if your son lives with you, then she will owe child maintenance.
And you also need to get out from under the pregnancy, real or not-you do not eant to be liable for your son’s half sibling. How that flies and whether they have any sort of relationship is on him.
As I said in the forum, Run, Forrest, RUN!
Yes, you still love her, and that will end up killing you if you don’t wake up. It will also effect your son horribly, so if as a tormented lover you are sitting on the fence, then wake up, be a real dad, and get your kid the fuck out of this situation. I speak from dire experience-my kiddo was 12 when all this shit hit the fan, and resulted in her having ptsd, self-harming and ultimately suicidal ideation. You don’t need that on top of everything else.
Your wife is a snake. Get out.
Meh
And remember this: Breathe. THIS IS NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU OR YOUR WORTH. It is not a measurement of your attractiveness, your sex appeal, your desirability, your worth as a husband.
IT IS NOT.
She would have cheated on you if you were a billionaire who looked like….the younger Brad Pitt and had the charm of Clooney and the mystery of Daniel Day Lewis.
She is just a selfish, mean critter who is greedy and wanted to fuck some strange young dick. Sociopaths gets bored easy. She acted on a primitive base urge and did not care what happened to your FAMILY when she did that.
It is as common as dirt and MEANS NOTHING. This site has had over 10 million hits. That is how common these scumbags are.
She is in for a big, big shock. Because even if the 26 year old showed up for the first appointment (I guess the novelty of it)….40 is over the hill to that age group, as Roberta aptly pointed out.
When the hemorrhoids, varicose veins, constipation, cravings and weight gain come, scumbag will want to be out clubbing and dropping Molly with 21 year old hotties with navel rings. Not getting your wife fish and chips and rubbing her swollen feet and tucking in early with the telly on.
So, do not feel like she has a golden future ahead of her.
HER CHARACTER IS HER DESTINY. And it is rotten.
Great post Sabine. So true.
Lawyer up!! In my state if you are married at any time during the pregnancy your husband’s name goes on the birth certificate automatically. Even in cases where the mother admits it isn’t her spouse’s baby he still has his name put on initially, then has to jump through hoops to change it. Lawyer up, find out for sure who daddy is, and if it isn’t yours fight for yourself immediately. Hell if it IS yours fight for yourself immediately, this tramp who wants to walk out on your other son needs to lose custody of this one if you are the dad.
Andrew, first off I could not be more sorry about your situation. Of course you need a lawyer so you can consider your options. If you can’t quite find the anger to divorce her then I suggest you and your son go on a trip this summer. Tell her you need space (cheaters say that BS all the time) and spend some weeks going No Contact.
No Contact is the path to the truth and the light. It allows you to remove yourself from the toxic ooze you are living in and then let’s it seep out of your brain. I find six weeks of NC will change everything. You can’t see clearly right now. You need to detox and then re-examine your situation. No calls and no talking at all.
Good luck. We are all pulling for you!
AOOK,
You were the one that drilled no contact into my head. It was soooooo hard at first, I felt like I was having several limbs amputated repeatedly, after every “attempt”. Once I did it (two days felt like a lifetime at first) and then stumbled a few times and saw how much happier I was with no contact (holy hell it sucks you right back in….), I was and am so much better. I don’t cry 1/100th of what I did, I do not get my feelings stomped or my expectations destroyed in the off chance I will get a kibble. Of course, when you go nc/gray rock, they try like hell to get kibbles….but once you see it for what it is and not what you though it was or what you want it to be, it loses potency. In fact, it frustrates the hell out of them that you do not react as expected and they no longer control you.
Now it takes a business of divorce situation to get me to communicate. And any verbal or in person communications are either done while it is being recorded, with his knowledge, or there are mutual/neutral people involved.
I promise anyone, as hard as it is, no contact/gray rock is a necessity to restore your power and dignity. You can do this Andrew. It sucks but life will be better than the constant kick in the gut/nuts loving her.
Andrew
Of all the fucked up situations, I so feel for you. I’m not in agreement with leaving your home. Certainly contact a lawyer first before making decisions.
I’m not sure about your circumstances. Are you supporting your wife? If you are it will be costly to maintain two residences. I have been doing this for two years and its is a struggle. Those are heavy consequences for YOU. She is the one who must face consequences. How is she going to explain this to your son as it becomes obvious. Secondly, she may have the scumbag move in your home when you leave. That compounds the shit sandwich especially if she drags out the divorce process. And believe she will!
My thoughts are to hold your ground, make sure it is not your child, and suggest she move out of the home. How uncomfortable will it be for HER to face your son, pregnant with another mans child?
Educate yourself on the laws in your state, paternity, and do get your son into counseling. See a lawyer, make sure she is pregnant, its not yours, and that she is going to carry the child. Hold your ground, stay put and ask her where SHE will live.
He is going to end up being forced by Law with having to finance two separate residences regardless, AND supporting her regardless. So it is best FOR HIM and their SON to get away from her since she wont move out on her own accord. SHE holds all the key cards for the time being…best not to let her use that to hold HIM and their son!
That is assuming he is supporting her. This is why I asked him if he was providing all the support. It sounds like she is spending money on the scumbag. Her son is 14, therefore I figured she was working. It is also an assumption the son will live with the dad. We all know cheaters narrative and she is calculating. There is no doubt in my mind the OM will move right into his home. There is another chump here who DID hold his ground and it sucks living with the cheater. He did his homework, stayed in the home. Fuck that shit. Cheaters want to destroy, are entitled, and letting her live in the house is not in his best interest. She’s dumb. I believe she will move out and he does NOT have to support here living with another man. Just another view.
Lawyer up and I would not leave my home until your lawyer says so. At nine weeks her baby bump isn’t quite there but it will be interesting for her when she has to adjust her finances as pregnancy hormones are raging. This OM of hers is looking at a future pay date.
If she is trying to destroy you, you need to be prepared for her to do anything to make her case. IKeep that in mind.
I hadn’t thought of that, but if she stays married/gets Andrew to claim paternity, OM gets a free ride from child support. Ughhhh.
Andrew,
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I haven’t read all the comments, but agree with those that I’ve read. Get a lawyer, quickly. I know this is going to sound weird because of your emotional state, but under no circumstances let her convince you to have sex with her. NY considers sex after affair discovery proof of forgiveness and the clock resets. If she is pregnant, this may also mean acceptance of that also. I’m not sure about the second part, but don’t go there and see a lawyer quickly to understand your options.
OK, I can hear from Andrew’s speech patterns that he is English, so his wife will be covered in her maternity care by the NHS and will be covered by welfare (and possibly housing) benefits after the baby is born. So it is not as urgent as if they were in America.
So sorry for your pain Andrew.
Thanks guys, I appreciate every single comment, I just feel so alone that to know everyone has took the time to write their comments means a lot.
I know we don’t deserve what she’s done to us both and she’s never apologised ever.
She’s a cruel, cold bitch
She maintains she doesn’t love me and doesn’t want to be with me but she still is making no plans to move, when she does then it will give me the space to rebuild.
I can’t go away for a few days as she will prob have scumbag round straightaway
What really gets to me is the fact that she’s prepared to walk out on a 14 year old lad to have another with a scumbag.
Is she having a breakdown?
Or is this just her cruel nature? She’s been a very good wife and mother over the years, this is so out of character
Do not expect rational behavior from a person high on triangulation and amped up by pregnancy hormones. At this point she can’t be sure that it isn’t your kid. If she was slepping with you and OM at the same time. I for one have one child that was conceived on a day I know was entirely impossible.
Get a lawyer, demand a paternity test!
Andrew – ‘Or is this just her cruel nature? She’s been a very good wife and mother over the years, this is so out of character?”
I think every single one of us at C/N can ask ourselves this question.
One day, they are great – mine was for 32 yrs..and suddenly a light switch turned off completely.
I felt him chopping my pedestal down, slowly, whittling it away by little hurtful comments…that got worse.
So, when I looked up Brain Tumor and then, ‘Out of Character’ on Google….well, it led me to Chump Lady.
This is what happens when they fall in ‘Limerence’, or fantasy that life is better over there.
It’s actually just Cheater Speak and Cheater Actions.
It’s surprising how many are identical, whether in Nigeria, France, Canada, Mexico or the US.
The pattern fits them all.
“So out of character”.
So sorry.
It sounds like this could be your child if you were having sex regularly.
Be careful how you approach throwing her out, which I would agree with if it’s not yours.
I’m sure she knows the pool-boy will be gone and will want to make a nice happy family with two children and you, and if you chose that, I don’t think it really matters who is the paternal father. This child needs to be loved!
But, whoa – this is far too hard to say anything wizardly of intellect due to the complexity of your situation.
I’ll never forget when, out of the blue, my X wrote me…..’what a tangled web we weave’.
Only personal statement I ever heard him say after I saw his snake-eyes when he knew he lost the divorce fight.
Did you ever think that your wife may have a personality disorder? These people always show signs during the relationship, you just don’t know how to read them or don’t understand what they mean. I’m not a professional, but people with borderline personality disorder never really bond with their partners, go through the motions, and are often times promiscuous and when they find someone else, they just leave you out in the cold. Your wife is acting like someone who has that personality disorder.
And during the relationship, usually the weird behavior is directed at others, meaning these people display weird behavior towards others, but not towards the spouse, so the spouse stays and tolerates it, until it gets turned on them eventually, and then the relationship blows up. But read all the previous posts, most of us knew our partners had weird behaviors, but couldn’t interpret them. But they were there. It’s just that now, she’s turning against you. But your wife’s behavior is not that unusual for someone who has a personality disorder, like histrionic, schizoid, borderline, you name it.
Andrew, yes they abandon children without a backward glance. I would suggest getting a therapist to help you understand the type of person capable of this behavior. Be there for your son, and try to maintain some type of normalcy for him. Its very difficult and you need a support system. Trust she sucks. Gather all financial documents, separate accounts, get STD testing, and fined a kick ass attorney. Do not show her your hand. Document everything and put your evidence in a safe place.
Andrew, you ask whether this behaviour is out of character. No, it’s just that she’s finally revealing her true character. Did it occur to you this may not be her first dalliance, only this time you caught her?
Andrew,
Go on the Home Page and read all of the articles. I would start with the Category “Cheaters Decoded.”
This is critically important right now, because you can’t fall down the rabbit hole of analyzing and unpacking WHY she did this. You could waste years of your life deciphering literally…just a bucket of slop. Even if you put it under a microscope, it is still a bucket of slop.
These articles are the foundation for you move through this without losing your mind.
I had only only been with the Cheater (Drug Addict) for three years, and I am heartsick on all the time I spent trying to “understand” his behavior. I could have learned Arabic. I could have earned a master’s degree.
Start here: TRUST THAT SHE SUCKS.
Start reading.
Andrew, I’m so sorry but no, she has not been a good wife and mother. She’s been good at wearing a mask. You are now seeing who she really is and there’s nothing good about her. She is deliberately torturing you. She even said as much according to what you said about the recording. She is enjoying every minute of this. In her mind, she is making you pay for some crime against her wonderfulness that only she perceives. Please, you have to get yourself and your son out of this. If she won’t leave then you and your boy should. Go somewhere safe and take some time to clear your head. No contact is a very necessary survival mechanism for you right now. And I do mean survival. You need to save yourself and your son. If you can get away from her for awhile (or permanently would be even better) you will be amazed at how much clearer your thoughts become. Please do this. Hugs to you.
Dear Andrew,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Please see a lawyer ASAP, and get yourself and your son out of that messed up situation.
As someone posted earlier, though we know women cheat, those of us who were victims of male cheaters dominate this conversation. As sorry as I am for your situation, I’m glad you shared it. It is good to see so many male chumps commenting, offering you support and sharing their experiences.
((Hugs)) to you and your son.
Dear Andrew,
I can hardly believe that any person could behave so dreadfully towards another. I am so very sorry that you are facing this horror. Like many have said before, make sure your solicitor will aggressively protect your rights. Have a family member or friend move in to bear witness that you are NOT being abusive to her in any way. The presence of another adult might shame her into leaving faster. But most importantly, as hard as it is, you MUST put aside your soft loving feelings for her. Get tough and protect yourself and your son to the extent possible. Down the road when you have her out of your home and hopefully out of your life, you will have plenty of time to grieve and reflect. Perhaps you will love her to the day you die, but dont let that emotion prevent you from doing what you need to do for yourself today. Again, i am so very sorry that you find yourself in such a horrendous situation. If I could wake you up from the nightmare I would. Be strong, take deep breathes, and take one step forward at a time. Hug your child often.
Andrew
Early on my therapist said, “Expect the worst from him.” No, I thought he would be reasonable. It took me awhile to wrap my head around just how disordered, vindictive, and entitled he had been. It scared me to think I should expect the worst. My therapist was correct. When he said he would abandon my children, I said there was no way he would do this. Again he did just that. Protect yourself, your son, and assets.
“Early on my therapist said, “Expect the worst from him.”
Dang! Your therapist must have been speaking from experience in order to make these statements. And it is hard to believe it, but they do treat us like the enemy and we see the worst, and they do abandon their children. Hard to believe, but these therapists must see all sorts of behaviors and this must be very common.
What else did your therapist say? I’m so curious, because they are spot on!
Kellia, it was as if he knew him personally. The best thing he said was that he would hang himself.
I’ve had 4 sessions with a therapist, it’s all coming down to her controlling nature. Emotional abuse, financial abuse but not physical abuse.
Over the years she’s controlled who I can have as friends etc but I managed it because I didn’t know any different, now someone has pointed things out it’s clear that she is not a nice woman.
She has already started to do the same with the OM but because he’s young and impressionable he’s fell hook line and sinker into her trap, every time he questions her she throws a bit of cash and he steps back into line
I know from a recording last week that she’s already tried to turn him against his brother and one of his friends.
Tough shit for OM.
My ex watched endless episodes of sex in the city, I’m not sure why she relates to it so hard , as she lives in Sydney and had 3 kids under 6 …… Her mr big was a 27 year old butcher who lived with his mummy. I wish she would have moved to NY. The other day she told me she wanted to go to Garna to help under privileged kids , I’m like that’s a great idea bye! Trying to save face is what they do best. My ex got the abortion the butcher prob used his mums credit card to pay for it. Look after yourself Andrew, I know how you feel. Take the ring off , and don’t look back . Good things are just around the corner, for me I couldn’t really go NC with 3 young kids , your in a different boat. I know when I was struggling early on eating shit sandwiches , I worked on me, i can tell your in full PI mode I did the same things , tracking my ex and reading texts , I think we do it to try and find answers , truth is but there just mental . At the end of the day, if you think something bad is going on it usually is. Stay strong bud and get yourself that good network everyone here talks about . WORK ON YOU. That’s your new motto.
Andrew, it’s good to hear that in just 4 sessions your therapist is helping you see the patterns of control. You stated further up thread that the wife was a good mother. Is it possible that you have your own family of origin experiences that make it difficult for you to know what a good mother is? Regardless of your answer to that, I hope you stick with the therapy and continue exploring why this relationship was so abnormal and why you were compelled to stay with it for 20 years. I stuck with mine for 30 years, so I thoroughly understand the forces that keep us trapped in unhealthy situations. Wishing you and your son the best!
Andrew – Here’s your 2X4 . . .
I understand how you feel. Everyone here has been thrown off a cliff and is either struggling to get over it, or like me, firmly at Meh. I’m not trying to distract you from feeling this pain (or maybe I am), because it’s a bitch and it’ll consume you at first. But I cannot stress enough how much the other man doesn’t matter and how much you need to secure a fucking lawyer and prepare yourself for what’s coming down the pike. You’ve said you saw one, but it doesn’t sound like you hired him. Sorry if I skipped over that if it’s somewhere in the comments.
You’ve heard her say she doesn’t love you. She’s said she wants to destroy you. You need to understand that once you know what they are, they really will come after you. Your cheater will do some fucked up shit, and you won’t believe it because you’ve been under the assumption they were X all these years when in reality, they were Y. If they cheat on you, do not be surprised when they suck up the bank account, go for the marital home, the car, etc.: If you think you’ve seen the worst behavior with them, surprise! They show you even more. And again, you won’t believe it. It will take awhile to sink in.
That’s why getting a lawyer is the best 1st thing you can do. They can be rational where you can’t be. Trust me, eventually you’re going to get pissed, but my concern is by the time you’re ready to defend yourself, she’s already out the back door with the flat-screen TV.
Possessions really mean nothing, and you can always rebuild. But just be smart. Don’t let her know of your evidence, secure your funds, breathe, and switch off the part of your brain that thinks this is somehow repairable “if only”, because it isn’t. And this other man, he means nothing. If it wasn’t him, it would be someone else. He didn’t steal her, she went with him. Take the focus off that idiot and focus on your protection through this. You’ve got quite a ways to go but you will survive it. Trust me.
Rumblekitty ROCKS IT OUT!
I feel better and more mighty after reading that.
Rumblekitty,
Love you!
Andrew, listen to Rumblekitty. That woman is a horror show and that house and everything in it is replaceable, except you and your son. Like you, I could not believe what my EX was capable of – until I did. I had to accept that he did not care anything about me – this after over 25 years of marriage. It’s not an easy thing to acknowledge or accept, which is why you will need therapy to help you process your feelings. This woman has shown you exactly how she feels about you. Believe it, even if it is difficult to accept it. No matter what she says or does after this – what she is showing you now is how she really feels and who she really is. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to protect yourself. By protecting yourself, you are also protecting your son. Your wife didn’t change – she revealed who she is and has been. Once you’re away from her, you will start to remember all the tell-tale signs that you attributed to some other cause that were indications of her selfishness, self-absorption and just overall poor character.
There is a saying somewhere which I can’t remember exactly but it goes something like, “When your head and heart don’t agree, listen to your head because your heart is stupid as fuck.”
It is one of the hardest things you may ever have to do, but you need get away from this woman and HIRE a lawyer yesterday. (((HUGS))).
I know quite a few women in their forties who dated guys in their 20s and it always turned out to be about easy, cheap sex and getting free stuff (cars, lodging, money, alcohol, etc) from the women.
Andrew, you need to stop paying attention to what she is doing with the other man. She is now his problem. You have a clear path ahead of you.
1. Lawyer up and start the divorce
2. Take care of yourself and your son.
3. Find an alternate place to live if your lawyer says it is ok
4. Stop talking to her or paying her any attention unless absolutely necessary
I have been there. It sux. With mine for a total of 34 years. I pretty much followed the steps above. Divorce was final 7 months after DDAY. I am healing nicely. Thee is no unlearning what you know.
Your are attached to her not in love with her. That will pass with time.
Good luck and welcome to CL. I saw your story on the other site also.
Andrew…BE VERY CAREFUL!! Do not allow her to provoke you in any way, either verbally or physically. She could easily have you thrown in jail at the slightest provocation making all sorts of false claims.
This is just ONE reason that everyone wants you to get away from her posthaste. She can manufacture “crimes” against you and say that she is “afraid” and get you removed from your home with a restraining order. The man is ALWAYS guily until proven innocent. Do not talk to her further about anything except for the dinner menu.
Get ALL money out of accounts straight away, and shut down all credit cards except for what is solely in your name. Once you file for divorce, those marital assets will be frozen.
Sweetz, your advice is good. However, your bs about the man is always considered guilty is wrong. MRA groups have changed that dynamic in the US now that there are mandatory arrest laws for domestic violence. I know personally, when Saddam attacked me for wanting a divorce I called the cops. I was hysterical when they arrived, he was not, I got arrested on his word that he was not the agressor. He then used that to further control and torment me. Men will set you up for this shit too.
My brother is 12 years older than me. We lived in the same house for about five years, till he left for college. It was the same year I started elementary school. I love my brother, but we were never close. He feels more like my uncle than my brother.
Why is this relevant? Because Andrew’s son is 14 yo, will be 15 yo probably, when his half sibling is born. The 14 yo will be ready for driving/college/dating/marriage etc before the soon to be baby even starts school. Unless Andrew plans to hang around the “happy new parents,” he will probably never be around the baby, unless it is to support it financially. He may not even be allowed to be around the baby.
The two half brothers can be family to each other WITHOUT involving Andrew, who would be in this mess long after his son is of legal age.
Andrew, a fellow male chump here. As said, you are still in shock, and experiencing levels of cognitive dissonance that are surreal. I’m going to fast forward a bit, and hope the righteous anger stage comes sooner rather than later… It will propel you from this hell, and get you on a path where you will clearly see just how awful this POS is treating you, and hopefully feelings of love and concern for it will fade soon. I’ll admit, when I think of my ex slut cheater, i hate her; it’s a cold hate, uninvolved, and always with accompanying parallel feeling of gratefulness that I no longer have this monster in my life. You are so much stronger than you realize, and can’t believe that good times will ever be again; THEY WILL!!! Time is your enemy now, but will be a friend later, you’ll see.
I have a grown daughter, so I have had 100% NC with sluwhore going on four years, and it is so helpful. I truly extend my deepest heartfelt wish for you to find peace, and closure, and am pulling for you hard… If you need to talk, maybe we can arrange for you to call me if you want. A burdened shared is one lightened, and we chumps know you can never have too many people who will listen, that truly understand. Peace friend.
My head knows that no contact is the right route, it’s my heart that won’t detach at the moment
And guess what? A year from now you probably wont be much better. We all want ours to be the one and only unicorn out there…… What they want is a SAP…. Stability and a paycheck. I can say I have prayed to God to just take me out….. almost lost a job…. lost 40 pounds… PTSD…. you name it I think I have lived it…. Im 18 months out… can function at work now. Weight stable….. but visuals still hit…. cold stomach turning shit….. these people are evil…. once its out we should forgive and move forward….. they are all good…..
I’m both a cancer survivor and the survivor of an unfaithful wife. Cancer was easy compared to the damage done by an unfaithful spouse.
Well I have nothing to compare it to….. but I can see the truth all over that statement!
It’s because cancer is not a choice. Your wife made a decision to betray you, the cancer did not.
All I can say is that it is a M**f**ker. You need someone to talk to if you ever want to contact her. They/we will help talk you down. It sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks….. It’s the only way.
That is perfectly fine, and fully understood… I was right there with you, and it was hard after being married for almost 24 years, to even conceive what was happening. But, very soon I saw this pod person was an enemy, a very dangerous one because she wielded a sword with no empathy, lies and do anything to get what she wanted drove her, no matter who got hurt, not even her daughter was safe. We play defensive, take the blows, and try to make sense of it; until the day we don’t, then white hot anger takes over, and now they are messing with the wrong fucking hombre fighting back. NC will come, and slowly but surely the day is coming where all views of the situation will be in the rear view mirror. Good luck.
A really common thing I see on here is like a “specialness” trap that chumps get stuck in. This is the belief that even after all the repulsive things your cheater has done, they are still “different” somehow. Still worthy of your love. They’re not. Your cheater is my cheater and the next one is like the other. They’re just idiots with rotten potatoes where their character should be. I know this, because anyone that abandons a pregnant woman, is a pig. A spouse that can fuck your best friend, is a pig. A women who gets knocked up by another man and proudly proclaims she does not love and additionally, wants to destroy her spouse, is a pig.
Don’t get hung up on the fact you love them. That’s over with. Worry about right now. Eating something, sleeping, get meds if you need them. Number 1; A lawyer. Know your rights.
You’ve got plenty of time to feel like crap about this, and more than likely your cheater knows this and will come at you while you’re weak. My X was dumbfounded when I weaseled the house away from him. He didn’t think I would do that. He actually thought I’d agree to sell and split the proceeds after I’m the one who sunk all the money into it. It’s that entitlement thing they all have, see? Almost all of them do this stupid shit.
No contact is really the best, you’re right. I was lucky in that I removed jerk-balls almost immediately. Bonus for not having any kids with him. But a lot of chumps still manage no contact with kids and though it does take longer to heal, it still helps. The less contact with her the better, but I know you’re not in the position to do that now. Maybe you can take your son and spend the weekends elsewhere, I don’t know. But as someone who’s been through this and has a new life, I can tell you right now is the worst but it really gets better.
Great post, rumble. I look back now almost a year out from when Durt “needed space” ( read needed to move in to my rental house for free to live a cheater life with slut puppet and lie lie lie), and at first I convinced myself Durt was different. No he wasn’t like that, no he was just confused/sensitive/Sexaddict/midlife crisis-ing. Then I went nc and realized that no, this is who he is. He has done this to his past wives, girlfriends, harem, side pieces, and everything with a vagina (maybe some dicks too, who knows). He isn’t special. The facts will vary from one disordered lying cheat to another, but their character sucks regardless. I will never allow myself to continue being involved with someone who lacks character once I find out. Andrew, you found out. Don’t make excuses. As much as we all loved “ours”, it will never ever be enough. It wasn’t something you did or how you changed or your child or anything. It is her. She sucks. It takes a while to realize that. But you know you would never do what she did to you (if you would, well then there is probably a swingers board or two, haha). Take the time you need. It took me many baby steps to get to where I am today (fingers crossed a month away from divorce and his bat shit crazy mom out of my house).
You can do this.
Rumblekitty, you make 2 huge points: #1–“Don’t get hung up on the fact that you love them.” And #2–take care of yourself, as in eat, exercise, sleep, see a lawyer, make a new life plan.
Let me say a little more about “love.” It might help you to distinguish between love as a feeling (a noun), as in you have an emotional response to a person. Then there is “love” as a verb–love as in the action of being invested in the life of someone else, acting in a relationship to nourish the life of the other person, to be willing to sacrifice to further that person’s well-being and safety. I think you mean #1 here–that you feel a deep and powerful emotion when you see or think about this person. But those emotions only last if you feed them. You can make those emotions bigger by thinking about that person, being in contact, being in her presence, and in general focusing your attention on her. What you pay attention to gets bigger. One way “no contact” helps us is to reduce the time and intensity of our focus on that person. It take a long time to retrain the brain; chances are, given her controlling ways, she has had you focus exclusively on her for a long time. That might be one reason you are so stuck–she and your son have been your total focus, by her design. Once you choose to focus on yourself and your son and move your mind away from her, those deep (and unhealthy) emotions will start to dissipate.
As for love as a verb–that’s an action. That’s what you DO on behalf of others. If you love this woman, hold her accountable for what she has done. Get that paternity test. Make a plan to take care of your son. And let her struggle with the choices that she has made. We do no favors when we protect others from the consequences of their actions. The best way to “love” this woman is to put your feelings in check, hold her accountable, and care for the son you made with her. All of the love you had for her is right in front of you, in the person of that boy. Put your focus there, and on your sadly neglected self.
That really is beautiful.
My heart aches for that young man, he needs to know that he’s loved.
Andrew, there’s your focus, not the selfish egg donor! Your son is still so young, he needs all your support, and to show him how to be strong. As a mother of three sons, I can promise you, anything you invest in him, will pay back big time in your future.
Be mighty!!
Andrew, it helped me to write down all the good things and all the bad things a output ex. Then next to each pro and con I wrote the last time I remembered it happening. This woke me up, all the good reasons for being with the asshole had not happened in a long time and the bad things were constant and recent. Hope this helps you detach. Jedi hugs!
Wow is being a COUGAR becoming that common? My wife of 21 years…. at the time, turned 40 and found herself a 26. She did not end up pregnant…. not because she was careful. No contraceptive devices what so ever! Im lucky she did not get STD…. Part of me wishes she had gotten knocked up! 18 more years of parental obligations would have given me a chuckle from afar as I flew down to Mexico! On a serious side…. this sucks…. as a guy pushing 50, makes you have a long period of inadequacy! Takes forever to get all that shit out of ones head! Let her go! Leave! She just wants your steady hand and paycheck!
As soon as I can get her out I will, she knows her rights under English law and because of that she has more rights than I do, it totally sucks
well mine was screwing boy toy for four years before I found out…. I do wish she had gotten pregnant…. 18 years of parenting when all she was wanting was to go play…. since her current kids are grown and out…. Other thing is…. the 20 year olds do not want a 40 year old long term…. use them as long as its free and easy…. he will dump her. Then she will push you for reconciliation… because she will probably not want to be ALONE! Run as soon as you can…. they have shown us who they are…. its up to us to believe them!
Andrew, my exasshole fucked with me sayin ” I know my rights” because he looked up the most advantageous ones and because he’d already seen a lawyer. YOU need to see a lawyer and learn your rights immediately, she doesn’t have more rights than you
And a good lawyer who will help you sort this out.
David – Maybe being a cougar is not that uncommon anymore. I just found out recently of a couple in my circle that is getting divorced. The wife is almost 48 and has moved out of the home, left her husband and 2 kids to be with a guy, who is 20 years younger than her. She told her husband she didn’t want to be married anymore. I never would have pegged her as a cheater and the type to abandon her family. Everyone is in SHOCK this happened, including myself.
The lad she is seeing isn’t the brightest spark so she can manipulate him to her hearts content, it’s an ideal situation for her, it’s if he has the balls to stand up to her, I don’t think he does
The boy toy in my life….. had a girlfriend that became his fiancé over the course of their fun…. he texted my wife had her stop by…. all his house was packed…. banged her once more then told her to F off….
She is totally smitten with him or that’s how she’s coming across but I do know she’s showering him with cash to keep him under control
so was mine…. her last text to the child was pathetic…. don’t leave me…. can we not be friends? He makes her feel good! He is young and he still wants her….NO he wants to screw you! He will run watch and wait!
Just know this, even if you have aspirations of staying married, right now its time for hard core actions. If you soft ball her…. she will deem you weak…. she will never hit rock bottom and will never stop doing what she is doing. I am not promoting R….. just if you stay passive and she does not think you will leave her…. her actions will escalate. Has to be fear and a solid dose of reality given to her. I don’t know her so that may or may not help…. what I can say is passive is weak and she will never stop….. as long as you are the SAP.
Showering him with cash to keep him under control? Say what??? you’ve got to be kidding me. So he’s likely using her for her money. And she’s dumb enough to think he’s with her because of her. Oh man, this is a bus that is on its way to crash and burn. It’s just a matter of time before the whole thing goes nuclear. And Andrew, you will sit back and watch the shit show.
Is this YOUR money? Shut that off now. She has NO right to spend marital assets on her lover.
Doesn’t matter. The best thing that could happen is she ends up with him. He’ll cheat on her, she’ll cheat on him, it’ll be hearts and sparkles for sure.
By the sounds of it he had the balls to leave her, I don’t think this one will.
The house is going up for sale, once it’s sold I can start to rebuild and hopefully my heart will too.
The only problem is that she could block the sale, I know she’s got her eye on the money and knowing her that will sway her to agreeing to sell
So his payday comes when the house is sold. Until then you need to find out if it is your child and you have eighteen more years of child support. OM will soon be gone and she will be all alone.
Yes she’s adamant it isn’t but I think that’s more because she’s told him that we haven’t slept together since they started which is totally untrue
If the baby is your’s, be prepared have something in place if you want full custody. OM will not stick around, and she just may abandoned the baby.
As long as he is comfy and gets what he wants, he will hang out. Once heat is turned on and responsibility hits he will be gone.
He’s getting all the sex he wants, he can’t drive, she can so he’s got a personal taxi service and an open bank account
And he is comfy. Have you talked to him? Made yourself known? I did. Scared the shit out of him. Did not threaten just let him know.
Yes last week I had a call from his brother asking to meet with me, he is worried he’s got himself into something he can’t get out of, that’s who told me he’s not the brightest spark, gullible and has fallen for her big time
Why can’t the 26 year old drive? Let me guess, he doesn’t have a car and he’s about to be a father. Oh boy. Train wreck in progress… 3,2, 1… CRASH!!
That’s also when I found out more lies she’s told him
Well I did not know it at the time…. but mine told him we were separated and working on a divorce…. The cheater is a liar…. I cast no blame on the 26 year old…. I did get pleasure out of making him sweat….. Young guys just trying to get laid…. nothing special about them. In fact it appears the only thing they really have going for themselves in this is youth. The child was chunky… and 5’6″ who had trouble getting some. She lied the whole time to him.. Cheaters suck…. will throw away marriage and family for a cheap ass piece of ass…. just shows what they are… who they are… and what they really have no value in…. us.
Andrew, He does not matter. If not him someone else. Detach before he dumps her and she tries to come back. I am concerned that in your current state you would take her back. She has shown who she is. Believe her.
I have never met the man my wife left me for. I know he is a downgrade in almost every way. Particularly integrity wise. But I never fely the need to confront him or do much snooping. It did not matter who she was with. As long as it was not me.
Put the focus on yourself and your son and forget about them.
Agreed…. early on that concept is hard to grasp. And there seems to be an initial push to blame the other person. Reality is it would be someone else…. anybody who would. They are not so picky in their partners.
I just found out last week through my kids that my replacement has moved into the marital home that my wife purchased with her 50/50 split. Now the good part. He’s 46 and homeless. Doesn’t have a car either. Kids say he stays in her room all the time sleeping and watching TV. Also heard he’s hooked on prescription meds. LOL! My replacement. It would be karma if i wasn’t paying her a serious amount of child support and she didn’t have the house paid for. It also sucks my youngest has to be with her 50/50. I’m working on that. Just funny she went from stay at home mom with a guy that bought her the house she wanted and nice new cars to supporting a drugged up old loser. What an upgrade! Andrew, one day you will be able to laugh about this shit too!
He sounds depressed. Sounds like he doesn’t work either if he’s in her room all the time sleeping and watching TV. What a total loser.
It does not matter who she is with, this is very true. If not this boy, then another. I get the male ego wanting to confront the OM and beat the living shit out of him. I would advocate for this if there were no legal consequences, just because it would feel fucking fantastic. I never wanted to confront the OW. I didn’t care who she was, because if not her, then someone else. Again, it would have felt good to beat the crap out of her, but damn those legal consequences.
Once I realized that I wanted a divorce, I prayed that they stayed “happy” until it was final and I got what I wanted.
By the way, one of the very best thing about men is their protective nature. I would love to feel that from someone again. However, needing to protect her stops when she fails to protect your health, your feelings, or your relationship. She is what you need protection from, so turn that nature inward and practice self-care.
Andrew you will be in a better place once she’s gone. I agree if she refuses to leave, then you must be the one who leaves not only for your own sanity but for your son as well.
My situation was slightly different but I feel you just the same. I own my home and my narc-x had no legal claim to it, but he refused to leave when I filed for divorce. His flying monkeys were telling him that legally I could not kick him out till the divorce was final and he should stay for the 6 mos of free room and board and whatever else he could milk me for. After consulting an attorney I found out it was true. The next 6 months were a living hell, and even after the divorce was final I had to evict him. I lived through it but would not wish that on anyone!
If you can, get as far away from her as you can and initiate “no contact”. Consult a family law attorney and let that person deal with her. You deserve better!
A cheater thinks nothing about carpet bombing your life and the lives of their children, but they still want to pick through the debris, cherry picking out anything of value to them. Get no illusion that this “survey” has anything to do with the past, memories, guilt or a willingness to reconcile, except as a backup… she cares nothing for you.
You are providing shelter, food, health insurance and a fallback position…
protect yourself, protect your kids.
Andrew, I think you can see how interested Chump Nation is in you having the best outcome possible. Please keep us updated. One last thing–reach out to those people who were friends and supporters before your STBX wife started to isolate you, maybe one at a time. You might be amazed how many people will be glad to have you back in their lives.
Andrew I see that you posted on the forum. Your story has compelled me to try and help you.
I lived your pain. I am now 3 plus years divorced. I have never had so much consistent happiness and serenity as I do now. I can now say divorcing her was a horrible relief.
The difference with my story is my ex didn’t become pregnant but instead she was fucking my little sisters husband. 6 total kids were affected with broken homes (my 3 kids and my sis’ 3 kids). That doesn’t include the other families and kids from her other serial cheating excursions.
The biggest obstacle I had was how can I start to detach (heart catching up to brain) from her because I still loved her – even after all the evil she inflicted?
She hurt me so bad that I just couldn’t endure anymore pain. I mean none! It wasn’t even an option. I was at my emotional rock bottom.
REALIZING this propelled me to just quit her cold turkey. Turn my back on her, NO CONTACT physically and NO CONTACT in my thoughts. You HAVE to do BOTH!!! Lots of chumps do the physical part but not the no contact with thoughts. You don’t want the sound of your own wheels to make you crazy.
This is similar to an alcoholic quitting booze or drug addict quitting their drugs. A force that you love is calling you. The only way to defeat it is you have to ABSTAIN physically and emotionally from the source even though it is calling you every minute of every day.
When you don’t feel strong enough, rely on your support system. I hope you can look at CN as part of your support system also. Look at us as your band of brothers and sisters. Take it day by day Andrew – I PROMISE you this is finite. Peace to your soul and mind. -Rob
How do people think I should approach her while she’s still under the same roof? Should I go no contact or should I be civil?
I had to live with mine for about 1.5 months before the final D-day when I kicked him out. I think “grey rock” is what you need … a combination of NC and civil. Very business like. No kind supportive words. No nasty hateful words. “I’m taking child to school now.” “The dog needs a walk at 8.” Also, not sure who does the cooking, laundry, etc. in your household but the time for you to rely on her or wait on her has come to an end. She has chosen to be your roommate and she should be treated as such. Work with your lawyer to separate and protect your financial assets … split joint accounts into separate accounts so that she can only spend her own portion. Document everything. Hope you got some sleep. Distract yourself with the news coverage of Brexit. Best wishes.
The problem is she lies and lies and lies, she came out with more bullshit a few moments ago, it just winds me up
She can only lie to you if you are speaking with her. That is really one of the main reasons to stop talking to her. I learned years ago that it was pointless to ask my cheater for an explanation for lies I discovered, because even when totally caught … he would just provide a new lie. Pointless communication. In your case, she is being highly manipulative in order to guide you towards an outcome that is best for her. Don’t engage. You have nothing more to say to this person. Say it privately to your lawyer. Get you and your son out of the house to work/school, a park or library, a family or friend’s house. Limit time with her to the extent possible until you can get her out of the house. Good luck … this is the absolute worst part of it, I promise. Once you no longer have to live with her, a huge weight will be lifted.
I really hope your right, I’m really struggling at the moment
I know. I am really sorry. To say it sucks just doesn’t do it justice. All my life, it used to help to just go somewhere private and have a quick cry … then I would feel a bit better. Even that strategy quick working which told me how truly out of control my emotions were. Do your best to eat healthy food, get fresh air, and use sleeping pills if you need to. Self care is critical.
Another thing to remember is that you must not help her make you miserable. In other words, by letting her be in your thoughts every second, YOU are helping her make you miserable. I realize it is almost impossible to do, but try really hard to distract yourself from this situation. Absolutely do the things you need to do with the lawyer, making copies of documents, and so forth. But also, take your son to a concert, a walk outside, or SOMETHING that will give you even a short period to think of anything else. Movies never worked for me … I just spent the whole time comparing my life to the characters. 🙁
Great suggestions!
Andrew,
Just stop obsessing over the details of what she does/did with the OM. He did not steal her from you – she chose to target him for control – which, it is clear, is her game of choice. You’ve already told us she’s controlled you for years. Think of OM as a random dalek who wandered into the picture. Could have been anyone.
Use the time you’d be arguing with her to do things that will strengthen your case going forward. The only thing that matters right now is to focus on your future financial security, and your son’s welfare. I don’t necessarily believe that UK law favours the wife – I live here and have been through a divorce, and I’d say you really need to find a better solicitor. Take advantage of the customary free 30 min or so they all offer, and ask people in your own area who the best divorce people are – do you belong to a sports club – just ask the guys over 50 in the dressing room – they’ve been there.
You should seriously act now by moving any of your own personal valuables and financial records to a safe place (a private storage locker) now so that she can’t remove things you will need for 1. your own financial security, and 2. your divorce proceedings.
Anything that is proof of ownership, contribution to assets (bank and pension records particularly) will be important for you to have for your solicitor. Hopefully she has not consulted a solicitor yet. You also might want to cancel any joint credit cards and close joint bank accounts so she cannot empty them. The theft of easy obtainable assets is the route my cheater used to violate me – he even backed up a truck and emptied the house of anything valuable while I was away for a few days.
Cheaters quickly escalate their nasty behaviour when caught or trapped.
The hardest challenge for you is yet to come. Toy boy will bolt; she will come back to you crying. Steel yourself by getting a good hate on long before that happens. It is the only way to resist them.
That’s just it I don’t think the toy boy will bolt, they seem madly in love with each other.
We have no joint accounts only the mortgage, can she take half of my personal accounts?
Your right I am probably obsessed to the point it’s making me ill.
You need to write these questions down for an attorney. I filed for divorce quickly because in the US and the state I live in, it allowed me to separate our funds and stopped my liability for any debts she incurred from that point. Get all your financial information together and put it in order. Write any question you can think of down. Then see an attorney. Your at a critical point legally, so it’s in your interest to do this.
If you go into your bank branch, tell them you are about to initiate a separation agreement and that you need to limit her access to any joint accounts. They will put a note on your accounts saying to not let your spouse initiate any credit applications or withdraw any funds without your permission. If they demand paperwork say it’s pending but be feisty and tell them you’ll go to the Financial Ombudsman if they don’t comply right away.
One problem I do have is this and it’s really playing on my mind.
In August we have a holiday booked for the three of us, she has said she going, do I believe her? Is she going to pull out at the last minute? Our son is looking forward to it with his mum and dad.
Advice please
I’ve already enquirer about changing it but the holiday company won’t let me
You want to go on holiday with this person? Really?!
Invite someone else to take her place. Really! I seriously doubt your son would enjoy any of it with both of you there. You both need to go without her.
Andrew, you should join the forum and post to it. You can ask specific questions there for answers where others will see them. Or just post your rants. I don’t think anyone looks at these posts after a day or so.
Have you made a attorney appointment yet?
Yes I appointed one 3 weeks ago, she has sent her a letter stating the case for adulterous behaviour.
And also asking to make her position in the home known
I don’t recommend you take that holiday with her. Will the holiday company give you a company credit instead of cash back? Meaning you don’t get your money back, but you can reschedule a holiday with them for another time (AFTER the divorce and without HER) Or, can you substitute another person for her without going against antiterrorist laws? We had a cruise scheduled for this christmas, but luckily it was far enough in advance that we could cancel. She will just fuck with your mind if you go on that trip with her and I would NEVER send her and your child alone … you need to be a buffer for your son at all times.
If I went with my son then I’d be thinking what is she doing in the house while Im away
Follow your attorney’s advice. Do as others have said and store your valuables, furnishings outside of the home in a storage unit. Continue with your therapist and pray the unborn baby is not yours. Take care of your son. Find a men’s group, church, or some other group to help you nourish your spirit.
You can’t control her. She is showing you the kind of person she really is, but you can control the way you respond to her behavior. You can control how it affects you. Take back your power!
Been there done that…… took mine on a company trip….. and I was only suspicious and she had asked for separation. All taking her did was, build her confidence in my weakness! You have to make a stand NOW! I know you are screwed up in a million different directions! I have been there also….. I can tell you what wont work…. letting her feel like there are no ramifications for her actions. Allowing her to feel comfortable with you. If you take her on this trip…. and continue to engage her…. she will know you have no intent to leave her. She will escalate her behaviors knowing you will be around to take care of her when she wants. Act like she is the roommate you despise…. or move out. Do not engage her in conversations about you or her or marriage (these will feed her and she will know you care and will escalate) Cut her off in every way you can. Do not talk to her. Sleep in second bedroom or couch. Do nothing with her. If she ask a question respond with you can discuss that with my lawyer. (get one even if you don’t divorce her) Right now you feel like talking to her will help you make sense of it all…. and fix it…. no you are doing the exact opposite. She will lie and use all she has to keep the status quo! Do not allow this!!!! Make her feel the realities of what she has done….. take away her security! Basically ignore her. Either go on trip without her or just cancel it. What does it matter what she does while you are away? She is doing all she can do while you are home!
Just know… I speak from experience. I did everything wrong. And today, 18 months later, do you know who I hate the most? Self!!! because today I know my weakness caused more trouble and personal suffering than what she did. Don’t be me!!!!!
Thank you David, it’s our son I’m thinking of, I know he’s been looking forward to this holiday all year.
I know I shouldn’t be thinking about her and what she’s doing but right now that is all I can think about, I need to get my head round this
Can you leave a friend or family member in your home to watch over your stuff while you are gone? A trip with just you and your son would be a good chance to show your son that life will go on and it will be okay. I dont mean that you spend the whole time saying horrible things about your wife, but your son is old enough to need to know the basic facts of the situation. You cannot protect him from the hurt and disappointment he is or will soon feel. But you can be the sane, supportive, loving parent. And focusing your attention on him will help you feel better too… It is something you can DO rather than sit there and have things done to you. If your concern is that she will be with OM, then you really need to just stop that line of thinking. Yes. She will be. You need to stop giving a shit about what she does and with whom. I am sorry, but your marriage is over. She has made herself completely irrelevant. As David says, dont do things that will make you angry with yourself down the road. It is human and we all do it … But try to !earn from the mistakes of the folks who post here.
Be honest. Its not your son. Its you and what you want. Here is a brief history for me.
2011 wife starts FB messaging with ex. I overlook it. Then she starts seeing him. I overlook it. (yes there were arguments but I caved) then im asked to leave the house for a while. I do. Find out 3 months later the situation was much worse than I thought had evidence. Moved back in house. Did not set boundaries made no changes. Few months later, she meets her 26 year old. Well good ole dave may throw fits but he wont leave me! She starts banging her toy and maintains her relationship on and off with ex. Throw in 5-6 other guys who she is seeking their attention via messages etc…. 2014 Im still hanging out she has escalated her behaviors treats me like shit…. I find out about now 30 year old.
My point is: I tried the im staying for kids. I took us all on trips…. I gave in on my every demand. All I got was kicked in the face. She escalated her behaviors because there was no fear…. no repercussions to her actions. I was a spineless wonder. That shit does not work!!!! Yes it sucks…. yes it consumes your very existence!!! But if you want any self respect, you will back out and shut her down! I went thru 5 years of pure hell…. and I know now if I had stood up for myself in 2011 I would be in a much better place today! Don’t encourage her bad behaviors by letting it slide! She will not only continue but escalate….. Separate from her….. mentally and if possible physically! She is watching your every move. Every word you speak to her. Even if you are calling her a fucking whore, she is feeding off of it. It means you care if you show anger.
This if you can do it will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But save yourself from yourself. Even if you think there is a chance….. you have to do it. what I can guarantee will happen if you don’t is more of the same and you will hate yourself 5 years from now for allowing it to get worse.
Your right it is me trying to hold on to something that has already long gone, but right now I can’t accept that, I know I need to and me crying every day isn’t gonna bring her back but I’m struggling to make that first few steps
First step is get mad. Cut her off! Do not engage! Stay away do not be baited into conversation. Go lock yourself in room and cry. Then act indifferent to her. It is easier said than done. I know. But once you put your foot down, you will see a huge change/shift. As long as you care (I know you do) to them they will get worse. There has to be a penalty for bad actions…. if you let it go, its like dealing with a child….. they get worse. She is not going to stop what she is doing as long as you pander to her. You will never know why she does what she does. I still don’t know why. They lie especially at this point. Pull the rug out from under her feet. Easiest way is to stay away. don’t engage. You got this!
I’m so very sorry this is happening to you. CL’s right find a good lawyer.
This is actually my first comment here ever. I’ve been lurking for eight months, since my Dday(s)(Trickle Truth). This place has saved my sanity; once I found it, I started reading back at the beginning of the Archive (see link at top; start with the first four or five columns – SO SO powerful – I’ve read them multiple times) and read basically every post plus all the comments. I read it every single day even now.
Everyone is giving you great advice. But I hear and know so well where you’re at, feeling like you can’t even get to anger or taking practical steps, because the grief and love is so strong.
The one thing I used to help me when my heart, like yours, was stuck on love and devotion and grief so horrible and all consuming was, I tried to imagine that what was happening to me, instead was happening to a friend or daughter or sister (in your case friend or son or brother). I then imagined how I would feel about how that person was being treated, what advice I would give. I tried to give myself the advice and care I would give to anyone – heck, any stranger! – who had this happen to her. Think of it this way, like you are someone else. What advice would you give yourself? What care? That helped me do what my head knew was necessary, before my heart was ready to follow. Maybe it could help you just a little?
In any case, my heart goes out to you.
Yes your right if someone came to me with this problem I’d tell them to get rid asap
Just like Brexit…leave!
Why does my heart not want to move on? Again im sat here thinking what is she doing?
That’s normal, for awhile. Until your head catches up with your heart.
In someways it feels like I’m becoming obsessive
You are going to feel the way you feel until you are able to get her out of your system. I’m providing a light hearted link that sort of helps us to explain why it’s so hard for the head to catch up with the heart.
http://scicurious.scientopia.org/2009/11/17/oxytocin-lets-hear-it-for-the-boys/
That’s because you’re still thinking of her as your wife. She is not, not any longer. She’s someone who threw you to the curb, your son as well. As CL says, a pod person.
She’s not who she was.
I look at her and think to myself I love you, how do I stop that, I’ve got that gut wrenching feeling 24 hours a day
Andrew, someone said to me, “you are in trauma,” when I was about at the stage you are, and it was a revelation. You have been traumatized and are likely experiencing a form of PTSD. Of course your thoughts feel obsessive. Your brain has been hit by trauma. And your body is likely trying to protect you from more, all while your emotions and thoughts are spinning. I can’t remember, are you seeing a counselor? You need someone who understands trauma.
Also, it helped me so much when I finally chose one person to tell. Keeping it secret just between us was poison. You can’t get solace from the source of the very pain you’re drowning in.
I really am struggling today with her no emotion attitude to it all
She s coming across as she’s the innocent party and its me making a big deal about it
It sounds like she’s really playing the mindfuck channel on you, Andrew. Typical blame shifting.
I don’t understand people that cheat and then turn it around to being your fault somehow.
Does she have no shame? Obviously not, and therefore, no remorse.
I don’t think you can try and communicate with somebody like that.
The world owes her a living and she probably has no idea the pain you are going through.
Most of these fuckwits don’t or don’t care.
I know that’s a tough pill to swallow.
She doesn’t love you anymore and, when I fully realized that truth, it helped me get thru the discard.
I wish you could remove yourself completely from her presence and try and go no-contact as much as possible.
Do NOT take any blame.
Show your disgust with her every chance you get.
I know that hurts when you feel like you are still so in love with her and it’s very difficult to start to ‘un-love’ that person.
It’s a long process but the further away from them you get, it starts to get a little easier.
I wish I had better advice but my X never did any of that with me after I filed for divorce and took full responsibility for his cheating, thank God.
It must be hell to live through the further insult to injury.
I’m so sorry, Andrew.
I just came across this article, and maybe it will help a little or not.
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/infidelity/p/infidelity2.htm
Well, it IS a big deal, ain’t it. She screwed another man and got pregnant.
NOT YOUR FAULT.
HERS.
IT”S A BIG DEAL.
Typical blameshifting, gaslighting narcissist cheater behavior. Read up on narcissism. Knowledge is power.
Read this and see if it resonates.
http://esteemology.com/the-three-phases-of-a-narcissistic-relationship-cycle-over-evaluation-devaluation-discard/
This is TEXTBOOK Cheater/Narcissist/Sociopath. Put “sociopath” or “narcissist” into Pinterest and you will see post after post with the playbook. It’s terrifying how they all are essentially the same. Here is an example of one of the first “hits” I got:
Narcissist Rules
1. Never admit guilt
2. Deny, deny, deny
3. Shift blame
4. Cover up with more lies
5. Repeat
My STBX tried to apologize and sound credible. I think had I not been reading here for a bit, I might even have believed him. But if I listened closely, every single time, it ended in, “but.” Like, “It’s all me, it’s all my fault, but… (something blaming me). Pinterest has links to things way more pithy than that one – it’s just an example. It has posts about specific techniques used by narcissists and sociopaths to, essentialy, deflect and shift responsibility for everything.
What you need to try to do is ignore what she says and how she acts. I found I was so twisted up from what I realized later was years of subtle ~training that I bought into his very disordered thinking, or at least it was very difficult for me to see when things he said didn’t make sense. This is why it’s so important to find at least one real life person who you can run things by. When you see the look of shock and horror on their face, it helps you realize that no, this is NOT OKAY, this is NOT NORMAL, no one should have to deal with this. YOU are the prize, not her. You have to internalize that, be your own advocate inside your head. Ignore her words. You are a person of value.
Her behavior is why getting away from her is so important. She is messing with your mind, quite deliberately. You need to be away from her for a period of weeks or months in order to get deprogrammed from her abuse.
I agree. At first I thought Andrew could play the waiting game until all was finalized. Right now he is so obsessed and she is quite skilled at pushing his buttons. He should leave for his and his son’s sanity before things escalate.
Andrew you need to leave. Her treatment of you is mental abuse.
Beyond mental abuse.
I’m not sure what’s beyond mental abuse, except when it escalates to physical abuse. (mental and emotional abuse seem like the same thing?)
Eventually, it seems, many of these limbo states escalate because things are not talked about as nobody is on the same side suddenly.
The tension gets taught – I equate it to a rope bridge.
So easy for the weak link to break during these delicate times.
X did this to me as I lived with him for 4 mos after DDay.
It was ruining my health and I can’t even revisit those months, they were sheer torture while he was living there.
Finally, he broke and got physical and that was the end of that.
Thank God it wasn’t worse. But, I was able to take full control after that and get him the hell out of my house.
However, it was a very scary and very tense 3 yr period of grinding through it all, and it took it’s toll.
I believe Andrew’s wife is intentionally trying to push him to some sort of physical reaction. If he touches her in any way maybe the courts will provide her with a punitive award.
All I get from her now is ‘don’t take to me’ and ‘leave me alone’
It is painful to even return in my mind to this place you are in. I would call it PTSD. The more unlikely you were to hurt her, the more shocking it is that she does not have this love and respect for you. It sounds impossible not to jump into the why, where, how etc. Unfortunately, you will realize that this is a waste of time and does not move you forward.
In addition, in your confusion she will treat you worse not better.
As soon as she sees the shift that she is not your whole world, and that you are done putting up with abuse, you will see a whole new person who senses you are done with the BS. (unless you can go no contact, better yet).
I stayed mired in the roller coaster for way too long and sure wish I could say something to get you to focus on YOU and save yourself.
She shows no emotion at all, it’s as if I don’t exist anymore, I just wish I could feel the same but I love her to bits
Andrew, the bottom line here is that the only person who can help you is YOU. You seem to keep asking the same question of us over and over hoping for a different answer than the one you keep getting. I understand. I did this to myself for two years. At some point you will finally decide that you are doing more harm to yourself by staying than even she could do. You have a lot to process. I wish you the best.
Yes I know only me can do this but right now I’m finding it hard to find the strength to do it
From your description of her, you need to get out for a while. She should be begging for your forgiveness and asking what she can do to help you at this point. The fact she is treating you this way, pretty much means she has no remorse. Past getting caught. Go no contact…. she is blowing you off because you keep pushing her. Stop talking to her! Stop acting like you care! Just stop!!!
Good advice.
Andrew42; it feels like this will kill you but it won’t!
You will get through it, we are just trying to help you skip through the chapters.
Don’t settle into victimhood, you will look back on it as a total waste of time.
She does not feel sorry for you! Take the reins!
“You will get through it, we are just trying to help you skip through the chapters.”
So True!!
Yes save yourself now! You are headed down a path that will only bring you more heartache! It doesn’t sound like the right thing to do…. but it is. As long as you interact and engage, she will continue to abuse you. She knows everytime you do, you care…. caring right now will cause you harm! Back away now! Act like she is your worst enemy!
Listen to these guys!
They have been where you are.
You are only as powerless as you think you are!
She is. I went through the same emotions and manipulations for over a year. Andrew listen to the tapes of her conversations with the home wrecking bastard over and over until it sinks in that the woman you love doesn’t really exist. Keep recording those if you can. You will hear her lie about you again and again. You will also hear her lie to the stupid bastard. She lies about everything, she’s not a real human being under the mask. You will get a crash cure out of your love for this sociopath. It will hurt like hell but you need the repeated shock of the truth about her to cure you since your love for the mask she wore is so persistent. This love is very dangerous for you. She is capable of making any accusations and really ruin your life and your son’s. Look for a lawyer with experience of these sociopaths. Find a UK forum for victims of narcissists and ask if there is someone competent in your area. I was sat down by the main partner in the sedate law firm that had handled my run of the mill business affairs since long before I met my traitor. He did it because he had been through this with his cheating wife and picked me danced for 3 years to save his marriage and 3 kids. He gave me the talk about manipulative people for free, because he’s been there. Warned me I would later regret every day I wasted on someone who doesn’t care and will never truly repent. I still would not listen and do what he said for 4 months. Meanwhile traitor and home wrecker were still plotting and spending the family income. Lawyer up with a very experienced lawyer specialising in dealing with these freaks. You must set aside how you feel because your feelings have been so twisted by your ghoul wife. Save your feelings for a good counselor, ask for a reference from a narc support forum. And read the archives on CL. That was really good advice.
You guys are right, I need to act as though she isn’t here, I need to be strong and go no contact
At 6.30am this morning I threw her out, I’d had enough, she’s gone, dunno where but she’s gone, and did she give a stuff about our son??? Not at all.
Andrew honey, you did what you needed to. I know that it’s very hard and your heart is breaking right now, but I promise, after all is said and done, you will feel better eventually. Right now your freaking out, your emotions are all over the place and your in panic mode. Try to calm down, remember at this point, she’s hurt your family so much there really is no ever going back to what it was. It will never be the same even if you did.
She just simply doesn’t care. She wants you to take care of her and her baby from another? That takes balls. Don’t you dare let her cry that she has no place to go, or try to weasel her way back in the house. Right now you have the upper hand – she left. Trying to get someone out of your home can be very difficult if they decide to squat – so she’s out. Pack up her stuff and deliver it to her Mother’s. I’d leave it on the driveway if possible – but do not under any circumstances let her back in.
Call a good therapist for both you and your son, and an even better lawyer. Get your ducks in a row – start working toward those goals and try, for now, to push the panic and sadness to the back of your head. Eventually you are going to have to face it, but right now you have some serious protection work to do.
You have more strength in you than you realize. You just need to tap into it. Sending prayers to you – You can do this. I know you can.
Oh and Andrew…Change the locks TODAY…
With each step you take you’ll have challenges, but additionally you get your power back, and begin to feel better. It takes time!!
Ultimately, the new Andrew will be better and happier!!!
You found this site at the right time! I only wish I had found CL/CN sooner!
Have a great day!
Andrew! So proud of you. You are cutting your pain at least in half by doing this early.
She has shown you no remorse, no empathy or compassion, and has left you and your son in pain and confusion. This is who she is. Believe it!
Bravo & kudos!!
I’ve probably broken every law by throwing her out but at the time it felt the right thing to do
Well I do not know UK law, but you have taken a great first step. Now go scream, yell, cry or whatever you feel like doing. Go get personal help. There is no describing the pain and suffering that you have endured and have yet to. I caution you against allowing her back! If you do she wins. To her you will be the weak, stable paycheck she needs to help her raise this child. Do not take her text, emails or calls!!! It hurts it sucks but if you do, it will be worse in the long run!
I honestly don’t think she will try and come back, granted I found out their sordid secrets before everything was in place for them to be together but she seems totally besotted with him at the minute