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An Imperfect Beginning

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oil_spillDid anyone see the New York Times video tidbit in “Vows” — a column of people’s How We Met Stories called “An Imperfect Beginning“? HuffPo also ran it with the title “I Fell For My Husband When He Was Still a Married Man.”

Fittingly enough, the couple met at a toxic oil spill.

I guess that passes for romance these days. A single woman, a married man, a petroleum disaster… My parents met as college students on the Wabash Cannonball playing bridge. Isn’t that quaint and ridiculous? No one was married. No one had complicated obstacles to their happiness, like two kids and a clueless spouse. It was still societally acceptable in the 1960s to get married and stop dating. Of course, I’m sure some people still did screw around on the side, but they didn’t publish their indiscretions in the New York Times “Vows” pages and pass it off as “imperfect” sophistication.

Imperfect. As if destroying children’s home life and playing some nameless woman for a fool was a crime of imprecision. Not quite perfect. Missing the mark a bit, oh well! Who but the most judgmental expects PERFECTION?

“People have baggage, people have past relationships,” said Rebekah Gordon.

As if the existing wife was an inconvenient duffle bag. Here’s the thing with cheating, Rebekah — if he’s married, she’s in his PRESENT. Oh, but now all that is in the “past” so it’s a past relationship? Who can fault you? Heck, none of us are virgins. We all have pasts! Nicely played mindfuck there.

What’s weird to me is how Gordon appropriates all the language of chumpdom — of being hard done by, but plucky and triumphing over adversity. She wants us to know she is authentic. “Being complicated makes us ‘real’.” The relationship is worth fighting for. There is a third person in our marriage.

“That third person is Vince’s kids and his marriage and dealing with the pieces of that that are still with us and will be with us,” she says. “[But] being able to move forward as a family unit is worth fighting for.”

No, you amoral fuckwit — the “third person” in this relationship was YOU. Vince Taylor, the dim-witted wood worker, seems square jawed and oddly silent on the issue of his kids. Hey, he was crazy about the OW, everyone will have to adjust. Imperfection happens!

Imperfect. Not immoral or unkind or an utter clusterfuck of narcissism. But who are we to expect perfection? Love is messy and complicated, but it’s worth “fighting for.”

I dunno. That’s like saying you love waterfowl, so you dump a tanker full of oil into the ocean, and then take winsome photos of yourself scrubbing petroleum sludge off of half-dead ducks. Sludge you poured into their environment. Happy nuptials Mr. and Mrs. Sludge.

This column ran previously. 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Wow, just wow. Gotta love the spin they put out there. They are GLORIOUSLY IN LOVE. IT WAS MEANT TO BE!

    So sounds like my STBXH and his OW. except in our case, she was giving him advice on how to “Deal with me” in order to “save the marriage” until they realized what a perfect “true love” they had together. Forget that they met on adult friend finder. Forget that his profile said he didn’t want to “change his home life status.” She was so understanding and helped him so much in how how to understand me, how to communicate his pain and hurt at my failings in the marriage. She was all sorts of sparkly: funny in a self deprecating, sarcastic way. Insightful, deep and empathetic. Just wonderful. And I was just a broken, angry, sobbing mess. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone so wonderful?

    The kids and I were collateral damage to their special love. I remember sitting in the MC’s office and she told him if he wanted to save the marriage he’d have to give up Ms Sparkles and he lost his shit. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, because he NEEDED HER to be able to deal with me and my “issues” (i.e. My anger, hurt, fear, depression,etc). Without her, there was no point. I was too damaged at that point for him. Forget that he did the damn damage. That he caused the meltdown. I should understand and partner with him so we both could get what we wanted: he could keep her and I could stay married. Yuck, no

    Mr And Ms Sparkles can have each other and the increasingly immoral sex acts. I wish them much joy together. They deserve each other. And they can spin their tale in much the same way. His mommy and sister may buy it, but his kids and I sure don’t. Good riddance to bad garbage!

    • My ex had a “special friend” too counseling him on our marriage. Lucky me, I found the texting transcript from the app on his phone that he downloaded and emailed to himself. She said, you’re both good people but sometimes it’s just not meant to be (our marriage) and you (my ex) deserve to be happy. There was also a whole lot of sexting in there. Not sure what kind of counseling you can label that. Turns out, she was the only happy one. She was engaged and having a whole lot of fun with my ex who thought she really loved him and understood him but for some reason she wouldn’t let go of the fiancee for him. Hmm? Maybe she realized she was better off with the clueless fiancee than a man who would cheat on his wife and abandon his child.

      • My deadhusbands OW was also engaged…to a man who had more to offer her than the half my thenhusband would have had after D’ing me. She wore a $39,000 round diamond while she boinked my thenhusband. She had the world by the tail for a while with ooey-gooey love from 2 men (while I had none, from nobody.

        Yes, she was his “friend” who was there to “teach him how to love Uni”….doesnt it make you want to throw up?

        OOOh and it “just happened”…and they “fell” in love (while exchanging secret emails) blah blah, bullshit bullshit.

        I have come to dislike the metaphors of “falling” in love or the whole idea of “in” love as if its a fairy dust that appears and one moment and disappears the next. Im remarried and I “love” my husband, its a verb..an action …not some nebulous unpredictable fantasy state of being.

        • Right there with ya. This is the thing for me with the ILYBINILWY excuse. It is word salad. It has no real meaning. How is “in love” defined? Super subjective. ILYBINILWY is cheaters for “I have no intention of behaving with integrity around the agreements I made with you, but I can’t admit that because I’m immature and self-seeking. When I say it this way, it sounds catchy and I don’t sound so mean, so it is easier to avoid accountability for being a deceptive asshole.”

          • Yes, they use that phrase, because love for them was never permanent. It was meant to be I love you *at that moment* in my life. But it had no permanency. When we say I love you, it means it’s for good. It’s not a moment to moment feeling that is fickle, like it is for them.

            • Here too! He meant it when he said it….but his feelings changed…within months! Wish I had known 14 years ago…he certainly never stopped telling me….and now says, I still love ya, you know. Sick.

            • I wanted to reply to JenPen but something won’t let me — I was just watching The Good Wife last night and noticed how they wrote this right into a character’s BS. Well written, scriptwriters. (No spoilers, please, just starting season 1!)

          • I want to comment on the ILYBINILWY thing when you are in a relationship with someone who is not a complete asshole. It can happen! My first LTR was 12 years and started when I was 18 years old. In the end we both felt ILYBINILWY and that was truth. We’d grown so much it felt like he was my brother not my lover. We broke up so long ago but are still in touch and he’s still like an annoyingly immature brother, but I also have a place in my heart for him. Saddam on the other hand, NO. He said the same shit and blamed our lack of sex on me when HE was the one who cut it off. Assholes who say ILYBINILWY suck.

            • I would agree. I think if two people mutually realize and discuss that they want to move on, they are demo starting that they actually DO love one another.

              I think cheaters use that phrase for image management and gaslighting because it’s easier to get away with BS when you are vague. Totally different deal.

        • I couldn’t believe that he was defending her even after he ended it because couldn’t deal with her not leaving the other guy. She was broken. She was struggling with loving two men. She’s not really a bad person. Blah blah blah. I said to him, you realize that she was the only one in this mess that made no sacrifices and had nothing to lose. She was having her fun with you and going home to the other guy like nothing was going on. I was alone. You were alone. She was never alone. She had the best of both worlds. Her world and mine. Don’t ever defend her in front of me again.

          • Although I guess she did have something to lose because when she started missing her cake she started reaching out to the ex again who ignored her until she went all Fatal Attraction on him. In their final show down he made it clear that I knew all the details and had the proof and I guess the fear of the fiancee finding out was enough to make her finally back down. Actually, by that point I was feeling that my ex and this nutcase probably deserved each other.

          • Done 4 good, I figured out that when a cheater defends their co cheater, they are actually defending themselves.

            • “when a cheater defends their co cheater, they are actually defending themselves”

              o_O I don’t think I’ve ever understood it like this. Thank you for an important a-ha moment!!

              • DC sniper, Ted Bundy, etc. were all legally entitled to a defense. It doesn’t mean they didn’t also deserve the dose of lethal injection that they got. Let the OW be my XH lethal dose. I hope he chokes on her.

            • Anita – ^^^THIS^^^ I’m so glad to have this “framing” in my mind before the adultery depositions begin… YES!

            • This too, there were so very many, but they were all GOOD people. No, I told him good people don’t screw other women’s husbands knowingly. “What??? Does that mean you don’t think I’m a good person?” Was his shocked reply. To which I calmly replied, No, I don’t. He was incredulous that I thought he wasn’t a good person. Again,,sick.

              • To this day I get ‘I am not a bad person you know’ amidst the floods of tears.

                I learned long ago that these tears MEAN NOTHING. No insight, no connection, no hope. They are just pure self pity.

            • Yes, it is all about self-worth. He can’t be seen as a good person if he chooses to be with someone who lacks character and is obviously not a good person. How could he risk everything including his stable, healthy family life for some nutcase? That would make him a selfish a-hole right?

              • ^^ This! I could never figure out why the cheater kept defending the MOW as a “good person” when it was very obvious that she was a psycho lying manipulating bar slut.

          • Done4Good, these is the best response to cheater defense of APs: “Don’t ever defend her in front of me again.”

        • Ahhhh, that nice magical fog that rolls in, when two people are engaging in clandestine exchanges. Of *course* it just happened. Thanks to a little warped chemistry caused by massive deliberate deception, in secret agreement. :/

    • Oh my…you just wrote my story. Right down to the AFF reference. I guarded the marriage for years, knowing she was in the background. She WAS my issue. And when he decided to tell me he loved her, he said it was because I was “hard to live with.”

    • They abuse and neglect us and we respond accordingly…then after they have created a very painful, horrible shit storm, they point to us and say “How can I possibly tolerate this shit storm?” (absolutely delusional that they CREATED IT!!)

      • Absolutely! Never their fault. Never their issue. Hell, they cheat because we were such inadequate spouses- we caused them to cheat. But in the end, we win when they are gone and we have little to no contact with them. We realize suddenly how bad it was and how much better it is now without the constant demeaning, guilting mindfucks we received daily throughout the relationship. We now get to live for US. Not them!

    • The OW in my case was asking my H’s advice for her problem with her husband, my H gave her lots of good advice bringing them back together, but then one day, she wrote to my H, said she was in love with my H, she thinks my H is way better than hers, and my H was so flattered, that’s when their EA started.

      • Sadface – She was asking your H’s advice on marital relationships, because your H is such an expert at it. He couldn’t even keep his marriage together.

        • Yeah, exactly, but at that time, My H felt so honoured that someone looking up to him so much, it stroked his ego so much, he wrote pages after pages of advice about her marrige, and ironically, our own marriage crumbled.

          • How many pages does it take to say “You should tell your husband how you feel?”

            Did he mention at any point in his pages of advice, that flirting with married men online might not be a good marriage building move? Or that said flirting married man might not be the best place to seek an honest answer?

            • I have to tell you, I get a lot of married men doing this shite with me in the workplace, and that is what I tell them constantly. “You need to tell all this to your wife: she’s the one person who can work this out with you.”

              They don’t f***ing listen. It’s part of the game, I think, ignoring not just the wife but also the boundaries of the person whose skirt they are trying to poke up against. I now work from a home office where I don’t have to encounter any more of this.

              For what it’s worth, some women do have integrity and hold good boundaries. But cheaters who want to cheat, IMO, stop at nothing to do it. I hate this about men.

              • I’ve had women do it to me, hit on me and they knew I’m married.. Ask me to the apartment for lunch instead of going to the cafe or out.. I’d lose respect instantly, and shut it down.. ( meanwhile my wife was boning her boss, aka lover and ‘friend’ in a back room at work…)

                I do trust there are women with integrity that would shut that stuff down if I ever thought to lower my standards and try it..

              • You’re my new favorite poster, Raging.

                I’ve mentioned this before, but my wedding ring was like catnip for a certain type of woman.

    • This is how my ex started all of his extramarital relationships. Just innocently getting advice from a female friend. You see he needed a female perspective to figure out nonexistent problems in our relationship. And the OWomen were all happy to oblige, and then naturally boundaries were crossed not long after. It’s a setup on both sides. I believe they all thought they were manipulating each other, and that they also knew they were being manipulated.

      • Yes, yes, yes! They each think they are smarter than everyone else on the planet. Able to manipulate for what they want. Jokes on them. After detonating an atomic bomb in your marriage, they get to be with each other. Until, that is, reality kicks in and the specialness wears off. Then it’s on to new chumps for the both of them. At least we are out of it!

  • Meeting under toxic circumstances for two whole days and they just knew!

    She wanted his children too. Just imagine finding your true love and knowing it’s perfect yet being inconvenienced by those nasty little details like a wedding band.

    The Limited met his true love trolling a Casino Bar. He wrote her a poem, married but on our own and BRAGGED that she didn’t care that he was married.

    Ther want to romanticize a lack of loyalty and morals. On another DDay he explained how he was driving and as he passed her on the road and “our eyes met”.

    Reconcilliation? Don’t waste your time.
    The other woman justifys the ‘fight’.
    I learned this the hard way as suddenly he (they) wanted MY pension. After all it’s meant to be.

    Put your fight into actions, lawyer up, doccument, go for physical custody, and assets. Move your family closer to you support system before you file. Diccument everything.

    In the end the evidence I had combined with a lawyer known to represent abused women allowed me to keep what little I had. He was stuck with his credit card debt and I kept my pension.

  • My husbands whore told me to my face “he came looking for her, he was miserable with me for 19 years “….of of our 19 year marraige. Wow the whole time….like when we went to Hawaii twice, bought 70 acres and built our dream home, and raised 2 daughters, were leaders in the 4H….miserable then too?? And….he went looking for her all the way in Chicago….we live in Pittsburgh. Hmmmmm….it was true love. I mean 6 weeks after meeting her they got engaged at Christmas. Now mind you…he filed a PFA on me to have me evicted out of my house by the police. He has had me jailed for texting him…..he just had me arrested 2 weeks ago for texting him about the car insurance he let lapse for the 4th time. Yes….arrested. for a text message.
    Guess what…..
    Still not divorced yet….4 years he has dragged this out. Yet his whore says he came looking for her…..then why stay married to me, dragging this out if he wants her ghetto ass…..because….he knows he is stuck with her once I’m gone. She has proven to be batshit crazy…..and I know crazy…..I was…..for 20 years with him. I was on depression meds, anxiety meds, sleeping aids……now…..none.

    She can have him. I have tried to tell her to help me help her get the divorce she wants so she can have him. She doesn’t understand……. she thinks I’m holding it up……he refused to give me furniture and personal items out of the house…..he has held onto my clothes for 4 years. MY CLOTHES……
    Yea……and I am the crazy one.

    • Hey Tracy…I’m from the Pittsburgh area too! I got the same story, btw, of having always loved the ow and was miserable with me our entire 19 year marriage too. The one where he pursued me and asked me to marry him…

          • Fellow Yinzer area chump here too… Everyone of these cheating scumbags can go to hell, N’at. Rilly, you were sooooooooooooo miserable going on 24 years??? Funny, I never heard about it, but you dropped your morals about as fast as your new lacy undies, when you used ME up (Spousal appliance), and running over your own daughter was SOP. Have fun rotting in hell bitch.

    • Tracy – Wow, for someone who claims to have been in a miserable marriage for almost 2 decades, why won’t he end it asap? And 4 years later, he’s still not divorced. And he’s still hanging on to your clothes? Nutjob. He was intially so ready to pounce and leave you when he first met the OW, got engaged to her in 6 months, and then her crazy came out. Once he found out the OW is crazy, now he can’t transition onto the OW and latch onto her, his plan was foiled. He can’t fully go to the OW, she’s crazy, but he doesn’t want to be with you. So he’d rather stay in limbo. It’s safer for this nutcase. I’d push this divorce as hard as I could in that case. 🙂

      • My God, every day I come here and see that my story is not original. I’ve spent a night in jail too! For trying to throw a plastic bag of children’s clothes at my ex, while he was cheating and not my ex. I missed. That’s what I was the most pissed off about. If I was going to spend the night in jail over it, at least I wish I could have landed a good punch.
        And I also have his now OWife claiming how crazy I am, what a bad mother, how miserable he was. Want to see something?? This is her Pinterest page dedicated entirely to bashing me…

        (CL removed link)

        And I swear that CL has ESP because every day she posts exactly what I need to hear! LOL

          • Sorry, Pinterest is public so I thought… Wow, that’s embarrassing. Certainly not trying to get you sued.

              • I can just imagine some of the harassment you got from disordered exes. Not pleasant to be on the receiving end of that shit (been there .. when I had helped girlfriends get away from their user, abusive partners).

    • Tracey, I much doubt it’s cos his ass found out how screwed up she was. HE never wanted a divorce at all, he wants to stay married and act single. Bottom line, the assholes who refuse to divorce and drag it down never wanted to divorce, they just want fuck around. Saddam was this, the whole time I was trying to get him out he was telling the OW he had to wait cos I was so hurt…bullshit on both ends. PS: he got me arrested when he attacked me after I told him we were divorcing, smart cheating assholes who use the law against us are the scariest of all. Jedi Hugs!

  • Looking back over all my struggles with the discard I see where their shallow existence landed them.

    The truth is not only that they suck; it’s equals sinking to their own kind and level. We get to build from the bottom up with a strong foundation.

    We imagine the new perfect life they have together. The coupling of two narcs may look like bliss from the picture they paint. It’s not. Once the infatuation wears off so do the blinders.

    And count on them circling back once supply deminishes. It always does. The limited did such a nose dive he’s back after two years trying to play the sad sausage to his adult children. He wants out and the use rears it’s ugly head. All those dreams he had with the whore? He lost his business and can’t afford gas. He’s trying to sell his junk BMW to his daughter when the mechanic told me it wasn’t fixable two years ago. These are sick non human monsters.

    • Thank you r posting these comments today!!! Exactly what I need to read… thats what I’m dealing with today— the discard, how he went off and bagged himself a 29-something with two young kids and has “happy little family” doing all the things as a family with her and her kids that he never wanted to do with me and our daughter…

      The discard, the disrespect, the deceit, the delusional “faults” he found with me… UGH!!!!

      Mrs. Dumb-Ass can have him, she played the pick-me-dance-triangulation and won the game, brah-vvvoooo!!! God love him, he was “confused” formthose months…

      A year or so out, and I am so glad hes gone!!!

      He has never admitted to cheating in any way, shape, or form.
      He has never even told me he married her 60 days after our divorce was final.
      He has never “bragged” about her, has never “defended” her, etc.

      He sucks. A twisted narcissistic, evil bastard.

  • It would have been 32 years today but instead I am 15 months post-divorce and the kids and I are still picking up the pieces (fortunately they are better at it than I). He left us to take care of OW and her two kids (cause she was a single mom and needed help don’t cha know), was PROUD of himself for being such a good christian to become their POP, which really means piece of poo to me:-), and now barely has a relationship with his own children. And he can’t understand why.and it makes him so sad (cue the violins). The crazy is mind-boggling but it is passing finally thanks to CL/CN!

    • My ex was “good friends” with a single mom with a young child. He was always going on about how she needed him, she was struggling, etc. Whenever I vocalized being uncomfortable with all the texting and the time he spent there, I was told to stop being a demanding harpy. I pick me danced so hard because I couldn’t understand why he chose somebody else’s family over his own.

      In retrospect, she was just kibbles to him too. My kiddo and I are better off without him.

      • My dad never took me anywhere, just me and him…then he started “helping” this single mom who had been dumped by her H (this was the 70s and still a shocking thing back then). This gal was beautiful and my mom must have been pooping her pants over it.

        So my dad went to her house on a saturday to rake her leaves and took me along. We finished the yard work and all went inside where I played with her D (younger than me and no fun at all) and she & my dad chatted up. At the time I was oblivious but looking back years later, I was his chaperone and alilbi, but he was smitten and had no damn business in that woman’s house, chaperone or not. It was a dangerous flirtation which was stupid and dangerous.

        • OMG…I haven’t seen these people in 40 years and I just found them on FB. That is too freaking weird…

    • Bingo. They LOVE to be the white knight. Swooping in and saving some poor single mother and her children by fucking over his own family.

      • There is actually something called White Knight Syndrome. Ex had it. Whore girlfriend sure was a loser. He listened to her woes, made offers to Help that he never had to follow up on, and expected ass for his troubles. All the while blabbing what a Good Person she was. And of course, himself too. What a man!!!

        • yup, my ex had White Night Syndrome– all our female friends discussed their relationship issues with him, etc; He was a professor, and his EA/PA? partner sent a pregnant student to him for advice?! The EA/AP started after him for advice and mentoring (and told him she was trouble…).
          I guess he liked the ego kibbles of all the women coming to him.
          I refuse to go down the rabbit hole and wonder about other possible APs. Three that I am aware of, that is enough! (though he claims only two, and he was _in love_ with them….

      • Ha! My x had the same story. The poor dear was going through a divorce (her husband CHEATED gasp!!) and my x was just the shoulder to cry on that she needed…until he became the dick she needed to climb on.
        Nothing is ever original with these asses.

        • Same here, skankboy just had to rescue the recently divorced whore with two kids that he is now living with…..jerk.

        • The OW was going through a divorce so X became her shoulder to cry on as she bashed her X. Drunk at a work convention, she asked HIM to walk her back to her hotel room. He was CHOOSEN from all the other men ministering to her woes. How could he resist such massive ego kibbles! Thus their affair began. He advised her throughout her divorce as though he was such an expert. Such a knight in shining armour to the OWhore, he. Crapping all over me and the kids to do so. Had to have those kibbles, you know.

          • Do you think they also use the shoulder to cry on excuse to learn about the divorce process. Like a practice run so they can scr$w us over better later on? I do.

            • When they eat all those kibbles from chumps & APs, they poop them out for the shit sandwiches. Lots of shit supply! I got tired of eating the shit sandwiches & word salad.

      • Being the hero strokes their egos. Long before the affair, I noticed my X surrounded himself with mostly younger people just starting out in his profession. He took great pleasure in”mentoring” them. I cannot tell you the number of times some young intern would show up, breathlessly telling me how lucky I was to be connected with such an incredible leader in his field. Whenever an article was published about him, which was often, he had to make sure we had a copy of it, and that our kids read it. His ego was always too big for the room. So when little Mrs, Jesus Cheater showed up and began telling him that he just wasn’t “respected” (her words) enough by the kids and I, he had no doubt it was true! Why weren’t we showing the deference he was entitled to? I told him she was out for one thing, the money we had worked all our adult lives to accumulate, but I was just being mean to the poor thing. Besides, they were just good friends, such a good Christian woman would never commit adultery. I was just a paranoid harpy. What a crook of horse manure! She played his ego like a fiddle, until he thought he was going to have to support her. Then, he dropped her faster than you can say The Lord’s Prayer. She was only allowed into his inner circle for so long as she was kept dispensing the kibbles! ” Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.”

        • YES! Mine loved mentoring. He mentored many people into better jobs and situations, and in the last year we were together he accumulated a lot of really young friends, people in their early 20s, all lost and insecure. He never invested in relationships with people with confidence, he wanted to be looked up to. The more of this he got, the more he looked at me and wondered why I didn’t treat him like he had hung the moon. I loved him, I cared for him, and I made the “mistake” of treating him like my equal, like our marriage was an equal partnership. Obviously I had to go! His entitlement and Jesus complex has only gotten worse in the last year. Maybe it will work out for him, maybe not, but I don’t care because I don’t have to put up with his crap, and there was a lot of crap to put up with.

          • Wow, this describes my X to a T. Big shot in his field, loves mentoring young people, especially attractive young women to stand in front of his closet door in case anyone might try to peek inside. He’s known for launching successful careers for people in his field–more than once I’ve seen them referred to as Ex Mr. Other Kat-ians and worse, as his “disciples.” Gag.

          • “He never invested in relationships with people with confidence, he wanted to be looked up to.”–This was Jackass. And I’d say he was interested in me because he could “borrow” my status and confidence until he found it impossible to keep the mask of his own confidence up.

      • Wow, and here I thought the evil one was original (for once) in ditching his family for dumb-ass and her kids….what a mind-bender!!!

        Oh, kibbles, what a temptress you are…

        UGH, wheres my fuk-it-all tablets?!?!?!

  • I can’t even read the article. I don’t want to know about star crossed love when all I can think about is the wife reading this bullshit and realizing that not only was her husband fair game, but now the Sparkly Whore wants her children as well. And the wife? Set aside like an old, outdated useless electronic gizmo.

    Nope, I can’t read it. It hits way too close to home.

    • Actually, it’s an entertaining video. At one point they have to stop because one of his kids want something. They both look at each other like, “are you gonna go or should I?” The chick attends to the kids and he looks like a complete dolt.

      Also, I can stand a bitch who speaks with that vocal fry.

      I’m happy they found each other. It’s only a matter of time before Vince takes his complicated ass on the road again and oops, Rebekah gets to know what the discard feels like.

      • There’s truly a disconnect with these two to publicize how they wound up together. Did they really think most people would agree with them and see them as heroic? (The comments on youtube, HuffPo and elsewhere indicate otherwise.) Wow, so delusional. After watching the video, my first thought was, “I want to hear the chumped wife’s side of the story!” just so we all can get the complete picture here.

    • A few months after this originally ran a few summers ago (trust me, I was very much into my dark days of consuming everything ChumpLady while X tended to overlapping pregnant interloping renReplacement, so this always stuck out to me as an anomaly), a user responded claiming to be the wife of White Knight Vince:

      anewbeginning says
      November 22, 2014 at 8:31 pm
      I’m here ask me anything. And BTW he’s still a liar…I filed for divorce not him. So nice he left out the restraining order too.

      So at least the whole framing of the narrative holds true. I hope she chimes in, and is thriving in her New Beginning.

  • My bet is that ol’ Rebekah won’t be getting any Step-Mother’s Day cards from Vince’s kids since she refers to them a “baggage”. Can’t wait for Vince to go to another oil spill and find the REAL love of his life. Then Rebekah will be relegated to being a Samsonite Wheeled Weekender bag.

    Imperfect, my ass.

  • This is one of the most interesting conundrums about cheating for me. For every spouse that is willing to break their vows and break up their family… there is a single person out there willing to accept that. I feel like in the ‘good old days’ a single man or woman would never stand for settling for someone who was married. They would never accept the moral and social shame of breaking up a marriage and a family. They would have been branded a home-wrecker. Today it seems that even when you have a stable marriage you need to constantly be on the defensive because there is a line of available women who would willingly pounce into bed with your husband and have no qualms about it. It’s scary to me how socially acceptable the whole idea has become in our culture.

    • There will always be singles. The limited enjoyed leading a single/double life. It didn’t matter if they were married or single. It’s always on the spouse. However, the sheer entitlement and justification of the narc in this case highlights for me just why Reconcilliation is a futile waste of time and energy.

      • It is not just single folks who target married people. The OW was married with 3 kids, but saw X as her pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Some of these losers look at a wedding ring as a challenge. See how special I am? I have 2 men fighting over me!

        • Reverend TD Jakes speaks about this in one of his videos. The ring on the finger is a magnet to some people. Married folks have to be aware of this and be ready to fight them off.
          I had no idea. The ring is repulsive to me. Some people have a really twisted view.

    • What better way to validate your awesomeness than to have a man choose you over his own wife and kids?

        • My mother was the other woman in the sixties. She paid for it the rest of her life with the shame of being a single mother of an illegitimate child of adultery. She was a devoted mother to me but I paid for what they chose to do regardless: no father, no extended family, father unknown on my birth certificate and because she was ashamed of this she passed on the shame to me. She still saw herself as a victim, partly true, he was a serial cheater narcissist who went on to father more illegitimate kids to other women. None of this obvious craziness stopped any of these adults do what they did to all these kids. Sadly, good old days or not didn’t stop them. Of all this crazy only his chumped first wife came to my mother’s funeral. He didn’t. And he never contacted me. Bastard is dead now and I never contacted him.

        • Oh yes!!! I can hearmthe evil one saymto mrs dumb ass now:

          “…I took you and your two kids in!!!…i left my mm wife of 13 years and our daughter for you! !!…”

      • NoDancing

        Who the fuck meets someone and after two days leaves a whole life behind. Yes the OWhore may have an orgasim over a man who ‘chooses’ them over his family, thinking she’s special.

        What’s missing here is the OW is not special. It’s just someone to fuck. How does someone become their ‘all’ so quickly? It’s more about an inability to attach or bond for narcissists.

        I don’t believe for a minute they leave us for specialness. It’s about the thrill of deception and power.

        OW trade up as a rule. I’m 59 and there isn’t a healthy stable single cell in the whores depleted resources that could make her believe she is the chosen one. She was looking to fuck at the bar for a one night deal and he made the decision to manipulate her through his usual con poor me pity scenario.

        All the lies that follow are just that. They are masters at the game.

        This great guy dumped his family and chose HER to inflict the MOST pain in his wife. He knows his wives vulnerabilities and wanted to cut her off at the knees. He chose a woman who would do battle for him and would take responsibility for his children. They are this calculating.

    • My ex’s AP was going to school to become a psychologist. My ex was a clinically diagnosed Cluster B, which she gladly told her AP about since AP was “helping her” understand her diagnosis. AP also knew that my ex and I were in a long term relationship. Did that stop the AP? Oh hell no!!!! Pretty sick and disordered– a psychologist secretly getting involved with a known Cluster B who was involved in a long term monagamous relationship–

      They really are all the same aren’t they?

  • I had an ex- boyfriend years ago before I was married. We caught up through Facebook back in 2011.

    Found out he’s a cheater.

    I’ll never forget reading the Facebook message about his married OW. He narrated it as the OW’s husband was the third party.

    The term entitlement really hit me when I learned of how this dirtbag was running all over town with his OW and her two kids and the OW’s husband/father was. “Causing headaches by trying to revive a dead marriage.”

    (eye-roll)

    Douche!

    • Holy shit! “Causing headaches by trying to revive a …marriage”

      I hate cheater narrative!
      The hardest things are life-changing: divorce, moving, death, birth, new job. Many chumps have to deal with three out of five. Wouldn’t it be convenient if we just sucked it up and adjusted to the artificial cheater narrative (like nod if they tell everyone that the sky is orange)?

      They lie! They cheat! They destroy good people. They topple civilization. They do not get to write the narrative so long as I have breath. Cheater and OW are causing headaches by opening their damn mouths. Let them lose their voiceboxes, all of them. Their word are pollution to sanity.

      • And some of them deal with 5 out of 5–they have to move once the cheater checks out or because the cheater fights for the house; they have to get a job because 1/2 or more of the income just walked away and of course divorce is on the horizon. But so many here were pregnant when DDay came or had very small children or were caring for elderly or dying parents or dangerously sick children.

    • WiseOldOwl,
      Here are more cheater narratives… from Vince and Rebekah in the clip: Vince was held back by “an invisible barrier” (That invisible barrier is a woman with a name. She is your wife.). Rebekah was providing “legislative support” (ummm, she was providing some kind of support -cough-)

      • “invisible barrier”.. Poor guy was trapped in one of those boxes you see mimes trying to get out of at the park.

  • OH MY FUCKING GOD.

    The heartfelt music in the background.
    Her looking on adoringly and blowing bubbles as he works a power saw.
    Her excusing herself to someone (presumably one of his kids) that ‘needs help’ off-screen.

    I feel my breakfast coming up.

    The very first words of Chapter 1 of LAC,GAL — “Cheaters get all the glory.”

  • New age Fairy Tales

    The Prince is married with children
    If the Princess is married or single, she’s the Princess always
    The damsel doesn’t own glass slippers but she gives a great blow job and the Prince googles poetry.
    The new and improved Fairy Tale, instead to going to the Ball, the Prince takes selfies of his Balls.
    Twu Luv is an oil spill, a natural disaster, at a work conference, or a cheater website in the comfort of your home.
    The Castle is now the pay per hour motel.
    The Royal Carriage is the Family Van ride for sex in a alley behind the local Walmart.
    Luv in modern times, a grand tale to read to your children.
    Mommy will I ever find Twu Luv? The kids might ask.
    Twu luv, sometimes takes decades and requires people you need to step on to achieve it
    Twu Luv sometimes has imperfect beginnings, but always remember you’re perfect.

  • Asswipes whore was out trolling for a man, any man, she didnt give two shits he was married. He told her supposedly many many times i will never leave my wife. She told him no sweat its ok like this. The next week she proclaimed hers was true love game on and with her persistance, adoration and money swept him off his feet. Ah yes true love about a year and a half in theyve broken up four times.broken up now but shes still on him. SHE GOT ME OUT OF THE MARRIAGE BUT HER TRUE LOVE ISNT enough to get me out of his head. Poor little sausaged fingered girl. Fuck her, fuck him. She wants to be my friend so badly but insanely jeaulous of me cause he still loves me so if i died shed comfort him while planning the wedding. They can both rot. And the woman who wrote that article fuck her too. Messy business when the guy you want is otherwise attached. Whore juice wanted my grown kids too the kids werent having it. All her and their dad did was alienate them. Fuck them all.

    • A good rule to remember if you want to be a married woman’s friend: DON’T FUCK HER HUSBAND. Incredible how difficult that is for some people to remember.

  • I had contact with my X last week because of an issue my daughter was having with him. She was so angry that she asked me to step in.

    Via email I reminded him that he has yet to pay me any money and our daughters, although working and loving their jobs, are making very little and it would be nice if he’d help them out. He then went on to tell me about all his expenses — paying back student loans for two kids, insurance, rent, blah, blah, blah. And one of the his clients investment funds closed their doors in December and he lost his nice commission and the girls not wanting to meet Pammy really weighs on them and she’s not going anywhere. Booooo Hooooo!

    To all of that I replied, “Karma”.

  • A little digging, because when someone puts this crap out there for public consumption it is fair game, right? No expectations for privacy.
    Rebekah has had a baby now (guessing, because her last facebook post in January has her half way along.
    Neither has pics of his kids up (but that is ok) but both have a wedding pic or two up. Nice, classy, eh?
    What compels someone (two people) to think this is ok to share publicly? Narcists for sure.
    But now that she has a baby I am guessing there won’t be much travelling for her.
    I imagine she will be sweating bullets each time he deploys.
    They really are shhitty human beings to have done this to his (fortunate) ex wife.

  • Ughhhh, these whores are so delusional they don’t know they are delusional. No relationship built on lies will ever be truly successful. Shit will always be shit, it will never turn into gold.

  • The last paragraph is awesome. It is. It like blowing up someone’s house and then lovingly combing through the debris with them, and saying warmly, Is there anything I can do to help?
    Yeah…Don’t blow up my house, you piece of shit.

    There is a great line in the The Kids Are All Right where Annette Bening(spelling) with steel in her eyes and voice says to Mark Ruffalo, the cheater and sperm donor:

    YOU ARE AN INTERLOPER.

    as he attempts to destroy their family.

    I have a dream…what if every woman or man cheater made a vow to NOT fuck with married people. Just don’t. If they are married or engaged, or otherwise entangled, just STOP. Don’t be such a scum bag. Wade in your own pool.

    *WHY WOULD THEY WANT TO CHEW SOMEONE’S ELSE GUM?*

    Alas, this will never happen. But, I would like to start a movement! Chew your own gum!!!

    In no way absolving the cheater (not by a country mile) but imagine if their pathetic entitled flirting was met with a face of stone and a fuck you, you are married.

    • Chewing gum – great analogy! Yes, I don’t believe these types of people will ever cease their deceptive actions. Especially when they feign innocence as a flirting tactic. “I was afraid to like the picture of you and your daughter on Facebook because, well, you’re married.” Does that sound like something someone described as “just a friend” would say? I know I’m a Chump, but I’m not an idiot.

    • That would be a good thing. But oh, those luscious triangulation kibbles, those kibbles that are super-sweet because the cheater can compete with some poor person who doesn’t even know there is a competition. Some person who thinks that when getting married means your partner has chose you.

  • The video wouldn’t play for me, but from the photo they look like two plain looking people who have now publicly confirmed their status as whoring losers.

  • I guess that’s what gets me the most. People aren’t merely just cheating whores, they are PROUD of the fact that they are cheating whores. Let’s put it on the damn internet!!! Ex’s whore sure was proud of herself, like she’d actually done something SPECIAL. It takes such talent to fuck married men I suppose.

    • I agree with you, Anita. The hubris is amazing–to assume that whatever social norms you violate, you are so persuasive and charming, you can convince other people to be on your side.

  • On the plus side, I looked at the comments on the NY Times article link, and the commenters are overwhelmingly disgusted by these two, and calling it what it is. ADULTERY.

    • The New York Times is becoming trashy newspaper. It’s almost as if they want the comments and the reactions. What happened to quality reporting. I guess it doesn’t sell anymore… Eye roll.

    • or the kids lamenting having to split their holidays, and how mom can’t take them out for ice cream because it’s not in the budget due to prior marital funds needing to cover two households.

  • Ugh. NYTimes Trash. Wonder how that perfect marriage is doing now that those obstacles are no longer in the way of their perfect love. Lol.

  • What is clear from this piece is that neither of these people have a heart. She isn’t stupid, ivy league educated, but yet thought it would be ok to put this out there. With no thought about his ex-wife and how she might feel about the airing of this. What a biotch.
    I hope he does it to her (or her to him) and I hope the new woman blows up their relationship in a really public way. How entertaining will that be to watch…..

  • satan: Jeep, I would like to come home if you can let this go.
    Jeep: satan, why don’t you go live with your kroger ho?
    satan: I love you Jeep.
    Jeep: You said she is so sweet…why don’t you live with her?
    satan: She had her moments…she is just a whore, just like all the rest!
    Jeep: Well, huh, good luck with that satan…bye bye.

    • Jeep, I love it when you reject Satan. I enjoy reading all the limit-setting stories from CN chumps, especially of witty retorts when cheaters try to hoover their way back in. These examples help me “see” how it can be done (the way of No Contact).

      When I was learning about assertiveness in a group coaching class, the instructor had us all shout out, “NO!” several times, just to get the feel of it. Let’s practice ..

      Cheater: Can I come over?
      ex-Chump: NO

      Cheater: You’re alone, I’m alone – let’s keep each other company.
      ex-Chump: NO

      Cheater: I still have some of your things here. Let me bring them to you.
      ex-Chump: NO (donate or throw them away, I don’t care)

      • I love it too KeepNarcsAway 🙂 I love it that I was able to walk away from that mess 🙂

        He will never change and he will never see that he should if he wants true happiness forever…I am so glad to be out of there.

        …before that event he had started texting me pictures of himself (always holding his phone down about his waist…so they were shots right up his nose hehehehe! Eeewwww! Ugh!) telling me he would like to come home and start over…if I could love him like I did before…uhhhh NO! AND NO!

        :O) lovin my life here!!! Loving that I found ChumpLady and all you guys when I did! I am mighty because I was 2 x 4’d with the truth that SET ME FREE!

        Love all of you guys! THANK YOU!
        JOYOUS JEEP 😀 and BEAU THE MONSTER EATER

        • Jeep – I just gotta say, I LOVE YOUR HAPPINESS and how it exudes you!

          You have so much enthusiasm and a lust for life ahead, you give us all great confidence.
          You are obviously at MEH, as I am almost there, and I am with you on what a great life it gets to be on the other side.
          Especially when you’ve finally gone N/C.
          I’m only 1 week out but I’m having a hard time remembering what he even looks like.
          (but, he did shave his huge head of hair off for the divorce, so he became unrecognizable soon after we separated 3 yrs ago)

          I was SO afraid of living on my own after so many years with him and rather, under his thumb.

          The freedom to do what I want without ANYBODY telling me what to do is the most freeing feeling in the world.

          I hope you all get out of your toxic relationships and embrace the future.
          As the cheaters like to say….Life is short….

          There is NO vacuum. It fills up with people you really want to be around, and you’re much smarter now with set boundaries.
          I’m no more Mrs Nice Guy. I have my deep-limits w/ppl as I am meeting so many new ones.
          Half are crazy, but you know how to fine tune your picker.
          And – no men for me. Just g/f’s are hard enough.

          • SheChump I got your back girl! You are an amazing person!

            I love the idea of sending enlightenment to these disordered types (read x’s and aps) BUT doing so compromises our new found freedom from them and their constant drama and, then, there they are taking up mental and emotional real estate in our lives…so NO DO NOT DO IT…just giggle over the visual of them receiving such 😉 aaaaa huh! Yeah Baby!!! And really, don’t worry bout it cause, as we both know, its comin for em in one form or another from somewhere 😀 SAYIN!

            Dance in the sun with me SheChump! 😀 Jump on our trampoline with Beau and I and marvel at the awesome clouds in the sky!

            😀 We GOT THIS!

            • Jeep – hey, you pick me up and I don’t mind dancing that dance!

              If you’re saying….Do not DO IT…do you mean sending the Chucky doll?

              Because, I have to admit…since Tempest tempted me…I can’t get it out of my head.
              I’ve never done anything like this before, but my sister would. (she’s sort of mean like that)

              I found a Chucky’s Bride on Ebay (and I don’t even do Ebay) but I don’t wanna spend $40 on her.
              She already stole enough.

              I dunno….PLEASE please please….can I send it to her from an entirely other state?
              I’ve got a little OCD right now. Blame Tempest!

              http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_nkw=chuckys+bride

              • …no…no! Don’t do it! Go look at the moon or something equally as awesome! Do not give them another minute of your time! DON’T FEED THE BEASTS! You will just be validating them! Don’t validate their sorry asses!

                Sure! I’ll pick you up! Say when and where!!! We will find something better to do than dwelling on LOSERS 🙂 …like…um…WATCHING PAINT DRY!!! YEAH SISTER! 😀

                …just say NO! You have better things to do with your time than payin attention to LOSERS…leave em to each other! Why brighten their dreary lives with your awesome self? They will just play it as ‘she can’t let go cause we are so awesome we get under her skin!’ Nope! You are TEFLON and they SLIDE RIGHT OFF! 🙂 Go on with your bad self!

                You GOT THIS! They never will!

              • Thank you for the wake-up call Jeep. But, don’t you like the Chucky’s bride doll? It’s nice and creepy.
                Am I NUTS?
                Yes.
                That’s what I’ve been mulling over.
                I haven’t done a thing to HER yet, or him for that matter (other than nasty emails) but, I never had the desire to let that-woman occupy one bit of space in my head – like EVER. She was trash and I don’t do trash.

                So, yep – I would be belittling myself, definitely.

                OK, can I send the doll to the X?

              • No…would have the same outcome…paint you as ‘can’t let go and move on’…ugh…forget that loser. Better to watch paint dry or grass grow than give him anymore of your time EVER, FOREVER!

                😀

  • I find this disgusting. Shame on them. I think his ex wife would have been punished enough, and then to go and announce it to the world like that. They were having an emotional affair. She made herself available to him, which in my mind makes her pathetic. If he fell out of love with his wife, he should have been trying to fall in love with her again, not fostering a “friendship” with a new woman. His poor kids. Who does that? Who posts a shit story like this about themselves? Deluded, selfish, assholes.

    • It is called normalizing and affair. As part of the cognitive dissonance process, when 1 + 2 does not equal 12, you have to get pretty creative with the rationalizations until you are comfortable with your thinking.
      “Well”, Self… “1 + 2 does not equal 12. But if you set a 1 and a 2 next to each other, it looks like a 12.”

      …. so there.

  • There is a show on Showtime, called The Affair, and I have enjoyed watching it because this season it showed 4 points of view, the cheaters’ and the cheated-on spouses’. The betrayed wife (Helen) gives the affair partner (Alison) quite a speech when she shows at the original family’s home, something about how at first, Noah(the cheating husband) seems like one of the greatest men ever. He’s passionate, caring, and involved. But once he feels comfortable enough, he blames all his pain, headaches, and mistakes on whatever woman he’s with. And some day she’ll be facing the next young woman who is her replacement and she’ll understand the pain she is causing.

    I have to say though, that the writers of the show have gone on record about wanting to explore why people think cheating and infidelity is so wrong. She has a character say how his own father was a terrible husband. He never cheated, but he wasn’t loving to his wife. And he isn’t judged, but the man who has an affair IS judged, even though he is a great father and was a good husband, up to that point.

    Interesting point of view.

    • I have to say that the reasoning of “human beings are not meant to be monogamous” may just have some truth to it. I mean, I am bewildered and dismayed at how many of us have been betrayed with the same lame excuses. Maybe that’s what will keep me single for the rest of my life because I believe in loyalty, trust and monogamy. Poor sap that I am.

      • It certainly seems that the world no longer values marriage as it once did. Personal happiness, whatever that may be, comes before anything else, and many people never understand that selfishness will never make one truly happy.

        • If people get married and find that they don’t want to be monogamous any more, they can get a divorce. Adultery isn’t just about sex (as we all know); it’s about breaking trust, about betrayal, about lying over and over, about sneaking around to keep your supposed partner in the dark. It’s about taking advantage of someone who is playing by the agreed-upon rules. It’s about tilting the balance of power and reciprocity in the relationship until it is entirely one-sided.

    • Can’t be a good husband and father if you cheat. While cheating spouses are in the middle of justifying their actions, they treat their faithful spouses like shit and that goes on for a long time before the affair starts and all the while it’s going on. Ask me how I know.

      The “character” is giving a third person opinion about his views of how his dad treated his mom vs. that of a cheater who is judged for being a cheater. How does he know how this cheater treats his wife? And if the cheater is him, why should anyone believe him?

      • Agreed, and it’s a character in a tv show, but I think the theme for the writers of the show is that there are worse things than cheating on your spouse. Not that I agree with them, but it has been fascinating to watch the show. And his father was portrayed as someone who looked down on him because he had cheated and left his wife, while his own father had refused to take care of his own wife when she was sick. It has created a lot of debate.

  • I noticed that the OW takes on the same mental strategy as most cheaters – don’t refer to the chump or the kids in any humanizing term. The wife and kids are “baggage” “the past” and “third persons.” It seems to be a defense mechanism for these people so that they can somehow justify their shitty actions.

    • Oh cheaters love to use “the past” as a scapegoat. “I can’t get down on myself about the past” to annihilate any guilt they SHOULD be feeling. It was last week asshole & I’m still the mother of your baby. But they don’t care about chumps pain that is very much in the present.

    • Standard strategy to be able to victimize others–dehumanize them in some way. History is rife with examples.

    • Yeah,
      Imagine if, instead of stealing a spouse, Rebekah wrote a simple, honest letter to the wife:

      Dear Mrs. Vince Taylor,
      I am a lonely, overplayed, pathetic and insecure administrator at your husband’s work site.
      Can we arrange an exchange? I will take his vow of undying love off of your hands, and you will get ME as part of your kids’ personal life. This will make me feel so special.
      This way, I can star in the New York Times, “Vows” instead of you. #bummer Thanks!
      Sincerely,
      Rebekah

  • Oh, the vague language that attempts to minimize shit behavior. I have a special hatred for it. “People have baggage”. Yes, dummies, so do I. I have a closet where I store duffel bags and suitcases. Fuck y’all.

    I ran into my wife’s affair partner at a restaurant once, he shrugged and said “it is what it is”. Still trying to figure out what that means, but it was a gift he gave me. This saying has turned into a family joke my (grown) children and I often share.

    Me: “Damn I burnt the pot roast”
    Daughter: Shrugs and then smirks and says “it is what it is”

    • “trying to figure out what it means”

      It means nothing. It’s a non answer, perfected by NFL coach Bill Parcells in press conferences to deflect questions. It’s talking in circles.. a loop similar to “I am what I am” (the great sailor Popeye) or “I do what I do”… Yea, no shit… thanks coach.

      It’s often used by people much less intelligent than Parcells. When they use it, it’s usually not to deflect questions, it’s because they’re too stupid to come up with a real answer fast. Or in this case, all the honest answers suck, like “hey I’m a major douchebag that deserves an ass beating, why don’t you kick me in the balls I deserve it” or “I’m just a dumb fuck that uses my dick instead of my brain to guide me through life”…. and coming up with a creative answer would take time and effort, he might need to hire a writer… So he went with the overused lame ass ‘is what it is’ non answer.. basically, “I got nothing”.

      • I guess both use it to deflect questions now that I think about it.. both intelligent and stupid alike. 🙂

      • Yeah, ex would say It is what it is like it was some deep philosophical truth, not just some horseshit he read on the internet. Or heard from one of his imbecile acquaintances.

  • When I was educating myself about dysfunctional people, it became handy for me to take out words like “love” from the descriptions most people use to describe relationships. I may have loved the man I thought my husband was, but he was actually an illusion. Our marriage was a mirage. It was real to me, but for him it was a “moment in time,” where his needs were being satisfied. I was only good for that moment. The very second I was not useful to him he would immediately cast about for another replacement to be useful to him at that “moment in time.” There is no character, no morality, no long term anything, no commitment. The words mean nothing — they are just things he found to be useful to whisper at certain times when he wanted something. When you realize you are either useful or not, that love has nothing to do with it, then you comprehend what being an interchangeable part is.

    That is why the love bombing is so ridiculous — how many times can a person marry their “perfect soul mate?” How many times can they “never” have felt that way before? How “special” is that “love?” How can “dream mate’s” be so different? Different “dreams” on different days. Probably different moments in time. Porn is so handy because if you get tired of blondes, you can switch to redheads or brunettes. Interchangeable parts. Useful to provide a special moment in time.

    After they reach a certain age, a certain number of “failed” relationships, surely even these dysfunctional people have to have some level of awareness that this is not “normal.” They are always, knowingly, looking out for the next one and the next one and the next one. Nothing lasts, nothing can remain useful for ever, because variety is one of their needs. There is no shame when there is no moral compass.

      • Portia,
        There are so many insightful points you made that trigger so many thoughts, I would write too much. I believe what ripped my guts out most was the illusion factor that you referenced.

        In D Day One, Meth Maggot pocket dialed me. I heard him with a meth whore (a real one who sells her ass for money) shopping together. Now remember, I had just discovered what he had done, and I was IN PIECES. I was catastrophically ruined. I was beyond repair. I had diarrhea like cholera and I was looking for ways to chemically knock myself out. He had just bought me a big ole diamond. And then he disappeared with this human garbage dump.

        I could hear them: laughing, giggling, him trying to make her laugh, them picking out things together. Having a ball.
        HE WAS HAPPY. HE WAS FINE. HE WAS DIALOGUING WITH HER LIKE SHE WAS ME. After a house fire, and death of pets, it was one of the most….unbelievable moments of my life.
        When I confronted him, he denied it all. I HEARD IT.

        You wrote: “The very second I was not useful to him he would immediately cast about for another replacement to be useful to him at that “moment in time.” WOW. That’s is it.

        That is because when I told Meth Maggot to stop using drugs… he went and found a woman who would do it with him with enthusiasm.

        My life will never be the same….I found out there are people walking around pretending to be empathetic, compassionate humans. But they aren’t. They wear the mask of sanity to cover the howling abyss behind their dead eyes.

        • SabineSavoy, you probably know the old saying about drug abusers and addicts: they aren’t available for real human relationships; their relationship is with their drug of choice. And how amazing is that gaslighting? He denies what you actually heard, with your ears.

          • Yes! Thank you for reminding me again. It actually helps (some). He is in love with being high. And the non judgment of the people who do it with him.

            I saw this sticker in a book store today. It is sort of relevant but I thought everyone might appreciate it.

            “Go ahead and text him again. He has probably just forgotten he is in love with you.”

            Isn’t that awful…but true?

            There are no mixed messages in the Universe.

            PEOPLE DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO.

    • What do cheaters know a thing about “love”. They just throw that word around in a meaningless way anyway. Sure they love the next person, like they change underwear. Love is respect, admiration, values, integrity, morals, none of which they have anyway. That’s like a liar throwing out the word honesty. They are the last person who should be doing that. Besides, so many men told their wives they loved them, while they were plotting their exit and had plans to destroy the family. Yes, they told you they loved you, to keep you in the dark and unaware and in sleep mode, just enough so they could royally screw you over. Mute the words, and amplify the actions. You’ll see how the actions scream the truth.

        • Men friends have admitted to me that “I love you” is fuck talk (said this verbatim). It’s a manipulative ploy to draw in unsuspecting dates into having sex with them or to set up (and keep) a relationship where the liar can gain advantage from the other.

          When I discovered that my BF had been seeing someone for a few months already, he said he was in love with her. But I know him now. He’s not capable of loving anyone (except himself, maybe). It’s so obvious that he hates women. I asked why he even bothers trying to date women. He won’t admit anything to me but I know that he needs to look good on the outside, desperately wants adoration and attention.

          • Keep Narcs Away– yes, Durtbag exactly, except he always had a main side piece and then multiple harem members, all of whom I have no doubt he told them he loved them. It’s a form of manipulation and apparently it works for him. When it doesnt, like when he went up to our mutual friend and said “wanna fuck” ( I only recently learned about this), he Either laughs it off if it was early days, or pulls the poor sad sausage to reel them back in along with love yous and I want to make babies with you.
            He told me last week ( after having to see him for a house appraisal), after I cried because I would never be able to have children now (my fertile years are waning), that he didn’t think he could have kids because he doesn’t have enough swimmers (maybe he learned that in his last marriage. Who knows). what?!!!! I thought we were trying for a child. He told me how important it was. All just a manipulation to get me to marry him so he could continue to use me, take my money, house his mom and do whatever he wants. Fool didn’t think i would divorce him or, if I did, I would buy him a house and give him lots of money. Yeah right. Manipulators who prey on normal people’s emotions.

            • hopium, I’ve wasted so much of my life being around the wrong people. There will be no children for me in this lifetime. It’s disheartening to know that there are a lot of men (and women) who do exactly the things you described of Mr. Durtbag – we’ve both experienced being used by users. They think nothing of the hurt they cause. Instead, they justify it somehow in their petty minds. OR laugh it off!

              My sucky people streak is definitely from FOO issues, but the other part is I never heard any of this explained or taught to me. Most people seem oblivious or overly polite (except for the folks here on the CL site – you guys sadly know the truth). I still meet people who don’t (want to) believe monsters walk among us on the streets every day while I see more and more entitlement type behavior and increased crime. I also know good people exist and they are all I’ll spend energy on, moving forward.

              I hope you will be done with your cruel, disrespectful husband soon. His toxicity will taint your life and well-being for as long as he is around. You do deserve much, much better!

    • Here is where I’ll digress into chumpdom for a moment. I feel sorry for my ex and his empty attempts at being happy. I used to feel so much pain thinking about some other woman getting the loving, well-adjusted husband that I so desperately wanted. It was those thoughts that kept me in limbo and him in cake for so long. If only I could (fill in the blank) to make him choose me. But as CL pointed out, he isn’t going to magically change overnight and be Mr. Wonderful for the OW or the next OW or the next…you get where I’m going here.

      I feel genuinely sad because I can foresee what he cannot. A lonely, empty future and a string of equally unfulfilling relationships because he’s simply not willing or able to take the long, hard look at himself and see what needs to change. That’s why therapy never worked for him. He’d get to a really low point in his life, realize he needed help and then when the therapist finally managed to get him to start to see what his issues really were, he’d bail. It’s much easier to just keep taking kibbles from someone who feeds you willingly without that cursed responsibility that comes with an authentic, long-term relationship that is built over real connections, not text messages.

      As my own therapist told me, he’ll choose the OW over you again and again because you are a more difficult option to him. With you, he’d have to be accountable for his actions and that’s a difficult thing to face, especially for someone with terrible life-coping skills. With the OW, well, obviously she’s willing to accept much less from him. At least for the time being. As many of us are painfully aware, there is no shortage of potential APs out there to continuously feed him kibbles, which will keep him forever stuck feeding off of the conveyor belt of cheap, imitation love.

      This is not me attempting to benignly excuse the terrible things he did that hurt me. I just can’t help feeling sorry for the path he’s chosen for himself. I was betrayed, hurt and lost the dream of a shared future with someone I loved deeply. I’m left broken with many scars. But scars aside, I would certainly not want to be where he is. Wandering around in the dark hoping to stumble upon a ray of light that will guide him out of his self-created loneliness. I don’t believe that he will ever realize that the light he’s searching for isn’t going to be found at the shallow end of the dating pool. He had the real thing. He didn’t value it. He willingly let it go. That my dear Chump friends, is a true tragedy.

        • Done4Good – Holy Moses, but your post really resonated with me. So much so that I totally need help in NOT sending it to X.
          He kept saying, *I* was the one who needed therapy, and *I* was the one with anger issues.
          He went to one hr of therapy on his own and came back more determined than ever, that we ‘married too young’.
          *I*, of course, did the right thing and went to a good therapist for a full year (until I figured C/N was better therapy and cheap) and found out a little about myself.
          Thank God we never tried M/C!

          Then it hit me, he was the one that needed help.
          We both did, but he refused it and thought I was the only one that needed it!

          So, I finally told him he was sick and needed to go to therapy, and reversed the course on that mean talk to me.
          I’m sure he never thought about it during or after the divorce.

          No doubt, he’s off swimming in the shallow end of the dating pool, without a clue or many options in sight. (he’s 60 and looks old now)
          AND, he lives in a trailer in a trailer park.
          From a mansion, to a trailer park – go figure. The guy needs serious help.

          Should I send it to him? Please Please Please

          • NOOOO!!!! SheChump–resist! You cannot reason with the disordered, nor give them self-reflection. It simply bounces off them, and they turn everything around to make it your fault (again).

            They are better at manipulation than us! We cannot beat them at it, any more than I could beat Usain Bolt at the 100 meter dash. Pretend to read it to your X (in your head) but don’t ever think you will triumph over a master-of-manipulation, no matter how solid your arguments.

            • Awww, Tempest – you are a buzz-kill!
              I thought it might help him ‘reflect’….and that is funny it itself but I do know better.

              It will probably be going into his one and only files he ever saves (he saves nothing except my emails that he throws back at me occasionally) and it’s probably called, another one from Crazy X.

              How demeaning – THANK YOU! Just needed one person to talk me out of it.
              Gotta quit thinking about him………………….

              Does that mean I can’t send a scary Chucky Doll to the AP (I have her address). I found some cool ones on the internet – even just masks for $6 bucks???? Yeah, I actually researched them. She was very afraid of scary clowns and scary dolls and scary songs about them like…Bring On The Clowns… After 3 yrs and my life is totally moving on….and I’ve never done a mean thing to her yet. WHY in the world would I be thinking this way now??
              I’ve never cared about her. But, I don’t think she ever got any consequences.
              I could have called her daughter any time and told her the story, and she would have lost her grandchild over it, since she had done it before to many married couples. The then-husband even told me that! It was tempting, but I’m not THAT mean.

              I just want to send her a clown chucky doll or mask, just to give her nightmares – but, really, I won’t won’t won’t go that low, ever.

              Really I won’t. But, found some satisfaction looking online for all the ones out there.

              I just wanted to give her my signature one last time. What is wrong with that?

              Please oh please. He and I are totally done now, since our house sold, and I haven’t done a thing yet like that.

          • Unfortunately unless a person is willingly to look at themselves honestly and with sincere criticism the words will drop off into a bottomless chasm. The term unicorn comes to mind. Something we long to see but are a rare sight to behold. You would be better off smashing your head against a brick wall because you’ll end up with the same result. A big, bloody wound with nothing to show for it. Believe me I did my fair share of head smashing before I realized the futility of it. My compassion for him is the last of my chumpdom. It doesn’t mean I’ll keep smashing my head trying to save him from himself. I simply pity him now.

            • I learned a lot about myself during this last year of rebuilding my life without my ex. CL’s blog and book have helped fill in some of the gaps in my thinking and why I was still lingering in limbo land.

            • Well, that was the 2×4 I needed, as well, Done4.
              I heard the analogy of keep smashing your head against a brick wall….and every body cheers for you, until you hit it for the last time and die……then every body walks away shaking their head.

              I’m too logical for this shit! Thanks for talking me out of it. I am FINALLY N/C after 3 full years of a bunch of stuff, and I find it difficult suddenly and want to ‘poke’ him sometimes.
              Such a bad idea….God, is my brain still scrambled eggs?

              I’ve MOVED ON! SheChump – smash your skull into a watermelon instead (maybe infused), just not another brick wall.

              See why I love you guys.

              • oh, yabbut – the mask is only $7 and she loves Halloween, my X’s b’day, where she displayed herself so well..

                Ok, I’ll quit. harrumph

              • I understand. I still find myself wanting to say things to him thinking he’ll finally get it. I have to reel myself back. We have a child so I don’t have the luxury of nc so sometimes that’s hard. I just keep thinking he’s smart. He went to law school for f sake! How can he not see how he keeps making the same mistakes over and over. What’s that saying? Insanity is making the same choices and expecting different results. Something like that. It’s sad but I had finally had to realize that I’m not responsible for his poor choices.

              • Well, I’m not sure how much the money they make, makes a difference.

                I thought, and actually ACCEPTED, marrying a farmer from a remote northern town in Montana.
                Expecting a farmers’ wife life.
                OK, that was my background too and we weren’t raised very far apart in mileage , just the Cdn/US border separating us, but we were from the same Ilk…
                Our families had the same hard-working background, with immigrants on both sides from the 1800’s, so there were great ingredients between our families.
                Same Religions.

                He was on his way to 5 degrees in college when I met him and we were so in love.
                He caught his fiancé having a big necking session in a car w/her boyfriend, so we knew what cheating was like.
                I had the same thing happen. We had the horror of it deeply ingrained in our path forward.

                I had no inclination, having simple needs, that he would become so ambitious and successful in life.
                I was totally out of my element.
                I didn’t require much, like jewelry.
                He built this mansion and about lost my skin over it.
                It was way over-board, like, hey’ buddy – where are your ROOTS?
                It was TOO HUGE and too presumptuous!
                That’s when I figured out he wanted to keep being the biggest fish in the smallest sea.
                I almost ran away from home many times to get away from the pressure, and pulled it off once, going to Big Sur to work off my feelings. (while he cheated for 3 yrs)
                He had no idea where I’d gone, (used my own credit card) and never said good-bye, but when I was leaving (I heard him talking to his faithful Mom, that his wife is going somewhere and won’t tell me) HA. F Him.

                I was almost afraid to come out of that mausoleum because ppl had pre-disposed thoughts about me…until I met them all.
                I’m just a farm girl!

                And, in the end? After staying and keeping that big house going for 2 full yrs alone with 4 huge dogs, and kept it immaculately clean, inside and out for the possible buyer. Asshole fought me every step the way on the price. I insisted HIGH….and guess what? We got the price we wanted because the house was so immaculate.

                Not that I will bow and get any credit from him.
                He’s been completely absent in the entire preparation project and very thankless.

                Fuck him.
                Truly, FH – he didn’t lift one oz to get that house sold.

                I really want to send him Chucky Mask for his b’day on Halloween. PLEAASE!

              • You’re cracking me up with the Chucky mask idea. If you must, have someone from a distant location send it, so that your X always wonders who it was.

              • Oh God Tempest, do not tempt me! She would know it was me because she made it very clear how terrified she was of clowns.
                And, I have a feeling she has been just waiting for me to do something.
                I would just like to freak her out and it would be fun if she’d wonder who sent it, if she didn’t guess.
                Maybe another one of her ‘friends’ who she also stole a husband from. I’m sure there’s lots.

      • Done4Good, you’re on a roll today. Your therapist is right on the money: “He’ll choose the OW over you again and again because you are a more difficult option to him. With you, he’d have to be accountable for his actions and that’s a difficult thing to face, especially for someone with terrible life-coping skills. With the OW, well, obviously she’s willing to accept much less from him.”

        We should all print that out and read it until we understand it wasn’t anything we did. And think of this: being the chumps we are, most of us no doubt ignored lots of things, let lots of things slide, filled in the gaps left by their lack of accountability. And they couldn’t even deal with THAT level of accountability. Thus they chose the AP “over and over again” because there is no level of accountability low enough.

  • I just moved out this past August (waited waaay to long, but that’s another letter to CL). We will have been married 40 years in July so yeah, we’re both old. He has been a serial cheater for what appears to be the last 15 years – of course that’s just what I could document, probably more. Too long a story about why I waited so long, but safe to say I had reached “meh” a long time ago. We lived together and are legally entangled, but that was it. I really don’t give a shit anymore who he’s banging. I just assume it’s probably going on.

    Anyway, we’ve been on cordial speaking terms the whole time. I think he was honestly shocked when he found out I planned to move out. I told him I just couldn’t live with the filth and hoarding anymore. Didn’t mention his serial cheating, and honestly didn’t know if he was boinking someone at the time. I assumed he understood that the cheating was really the basis for it, but probably not. So shortly before the scheduled move, he sat down and gave me the sad sausage speech. Said the day he met me he knew I was “the only person he had ever and would ever love”. That I would always be the love of his life, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah. He shed a few tears. Then on the day of the move, a couple of hours before the movers were scheduled to arrive, he came up weeping copiously, and sputtered that he had planned to help, but it was just too painful watching me move out, so he was going out for the afternoon.

    Fast forward to today. In January he started sending monthly sad sausage letters (quick math – 4 months to get VERY involved with someone new right after losing the love of his life), that would end with a paragraph saying it was probably best to move on with our lives (he never mentions the word “divorce”), and makes an offer to divide our assets. I use that term loosely – he’s offering maybe a 10% or 15% interest in the marital estate and apparently thinks what’s mine is half his and everything else is his and he doesn’t have to share. And guess what? He’s got a new girlfriend! She’s 49, he’s 65. And she’s married and has an adopted child still in high school. They send each other copious chat messages full of cartoon emoji’s and messages about their wild, viagra infused monkey sex. She calls him her Master (as did several of the previous OW – guess we know how he gets his kibbles) and they refer to each other as My Tiger and My Tigress. Roar.

    Hey, the good news is that he’s got her cleaning up the residence room by room. Although I did have to laugh when she gently rebuked him for bringing in all his tools and dirt and dumping them in the rooms she’d already cleaned. Oh, and she also suggested he probably needed to back off on bringing home so many pieces of furniture from the Habitat Restore. Welcome to life with Hoarder, honey. But the place was almost uninhabitable and she is starry eyed with energy and a plan to get the work done, so they can take the money and make their dream trip to Scotland. Bye Bye. Have a nice time. As long as I get my half I’ll be there to wave you off into the sunset.

    You know who I feel sorry for here? Her daughter and her husband. In one chat she mentioned that her husband had been staring at her stone faced, and she wondered why. But what an example to set for your child. The kid is a rising senior in high school, and looks like she’s pretty smart. My guess is she knows mom’s up to something when she’s cutting out at least 4 nights a week to sleep elsewhere. Geez. This OW really thinks their true love will conquer all. Hope the husband is a really good guy who can pick up the pieces for their child. And my can’t-be-soon-enough-ex is another Jesus cheater, deacon and elder in the church who teaches Sunday School every week. And he wonders why our adult children don’t make any effort to keep in touch with him…..

    • “Viagra infused monkey sex” oh just wait until retirement hits and sex becomes a budget item. Those little pills are not cheap?.

          • But this is what worries me….(and please, no men give me a cyber beat down) but how do these total MORON losers get these new girlfriends so fast? A filthy hoarder? Who would want it?
            Mine…a meth addict? Tweaking and acting bonkers, malnourished, dirty and rude and women blow up his phone?

            I don’t get it. Are women that desperate to cling onto flotsam and just anyone with a dick so they can say they are in a “relationship?”

            I fear that is the case……

  • I love the way Gordon goes on about the family unit – how it is worth fighting for etc. She says it with a straight face. I wonder if one day her curiosity will get the better of her and she will find him making a wooden ornament for somebody else he’s met at work.

    • LOL … Tracking your husband’s lumber is a novel new form of vigilance!! They are both so sure that neither one will ever get chumped by the other. But with BOTH of them having obvious character deficits, the real question is merely which one will stray first. I feel sorry for the kids.

    • The funniest part of this for me is watching her work so hard at image crafting and gushing and meanwhile he’s whittling and burning and polishing his wood like he’s a set piece in her NYT video dream.

    • What family unit does she refer to? Cheater and chumps family not hers? I guess the kids are either ignored by new ho as excessive baggage or she wants the chumps kids? Ive already told asswipe big fat slimy whore came between me and him she tries to come between me and my kids shes gonna see a kar marie she beast like no other i will fuck her up. Shes already tried the apologies and nice dripping with sarcasm on them how shes so sorry and your poor mom how must she feel? She is so concerned with me ha! Whore! And reached out to the kids to get them on her side. My kids arent buying that brand of fuck butter and see there dad and his ho for what they really are. They have both pulled way back from him as he acts like they dont even most most of the time. If he shows attention its to make himself look good. Fucker.

  • What I got from this video is that these two think they are very, very clever. They have beaten the the system. They didn’t do anything wrong.

    They are buying into the popular belief that if they can convince others that they did not have sex while he was married, they did nothing wrong. Karma will not come after them. They will suffer no bad effects.

    Personally I do not believe in karma. I do however believe in consequences for your actions. What these two don’t realize is that even if they convinced every person on the planet that they did nothing wrong, they still have to live with the fact that they know what they did. This cheesy ass video changes nothing. They both know a ring or marriage actually means nothing to either of them. They know she will pursue a married man. They know he will pursue a relationship while he is married. I’m sure these two have done much more than they admitted to but like I said they know the truth and that is what will drive them apart.

    • But maybe the magic bubbles she is blowing his way while he power saws will keep evil at bay …

  • Thanks for posting this…I missed the story (probably just as well.)

    I am SO SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of Major News media reporting ADULTERY as if it were a normal, acceptable path in life.

    Barf, gack, no! STOP IT.

    (sorry for yelling, folks)

    I realize well, that many social norms have changed, and in my opinion, for the better and on the side of love. BUT THAT HAS EXACTLY ZERO TO DO WITH CHEATING.. Ugh.

    So fed up with normalizing that narrative. And making the hurt–devastated people (the quaint leftovers, I suppose) totally invisible. We are not invisible.

    We rise
    We rise
    We rise.

  • NfV, your last words (We rise. We rise. We rise.) were poignant and reminded me of this poem by Nicki Giovanni. She wrote it shortly after the Virginia Tech massacre. But if you substitute “We are chumps.” for “We are Virginia Tech” I think it is a fabulous poem for us. And as a Hokie myself, the poem is beautiful as is.

    —–

    We are Virginia Tech.

    We are strong enough to stand tall tearlessly, we are brave enough to bend to cry, and we are sad enough to know that we must laugh again.

    We are Virginia Tech.

    We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did nothing to deserve it, but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, neither do the invisible children walking the night away to avoid being captured by the rogue army, neither does the baby elephant watching his community being devestated for ivory, neither does the Mexican child looking for fresh water, neither does the Appalachian infant killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy.

    We are Virginia Tech.

    The Hokie Nation embraces our own and reaches out with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds. We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid. We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imaginations and the possibilities. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.

    We are the Hokies.

    We will prevail.

    We will prevail.

    We will prevail.

    We are Virginia Tech.

  • My own mother is the OW.

    Five years ago she “reconnected” with her high-school sweetheart. Let’s call him Dick. Dick was married 40-plus years. I do believe that Dick’s wife has cheated on him in the past. He *was* a chump.

    My father cheated on my mother in the 70s. They divorced and my father married the OW. 10 years after my father married OWife, they had a bitter divorce. My mother dated but never remarried. Not until after my father died when I was 28 dos I find out he cheated on my mother.

    So, Dick and mom reconnect and Dick divorces his wife. They have been shacked-up for a few years. Fast-forward to today. All dick does is bitch about how his X, “took the house and half his 401k.” He’s a loose cannon this guy. 69 and angry 24/7. He’s retired and all his friends and family hate him.

    I can’t get any understanding from my mother. She just doesn’t get it. There’s no neat ending to my tale. But I can tell you that I finally told my mother to dump his ass and get her own place. She’s going to leave him this weekend. I’ll keep you posted.

    Love doesn’t conquer all. There are no happy endings forged in adultery. I don’t believe in karma, but I have seen people implode under the weight of hate.

  • I assume this is what my ex and her man say to others…

    ….that they were BOTH inconveniently with others.

    She was married, until I left her.

    He proceeded to GET married (not to my then-stbx).

    And then, after destroying two marriages, they finally got rid of those inconvenient “pasts” and “third” (and fourth) persons.

    Believe it all you want, my childish ex. You love-bombed me and dismissed your past mistakes because they weren’t “real” love.

    I was dumb enough to believe you. And now he is.

  • The EXW of Mr. Woodcraft posted on the previous thread, right before it was abandoned. SHE filed for divorce and there was also a restraining order. Two-Day Schmoopie will probably dump him in a couple of years after finding out he bangs anything in a skirt.

  • oh god, i just finally got around to watching the video.

    barf’ola

    i’m feeling sick, seriously, nauseous

    and the part where they are such loving, concerned parents they have to stop the interview to attend to their kids – edit that fake shit out! fuck.

  • Wow. Just wow. If THIS is the way marriages are nowadays, then I’m not cut out for marriage. People ask me why I’m still single. You know why? Because, I’m really f***ing overqualified.

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