What Inspirational Quote Helped You Through?

inspireHere’s today’s Friday challenge suggested by CakeBeGone:

In the days following my one and only D-day I remember feeling so lost and confused. I have a girlfriend who had basically gone through the same thing the previous year and helped me set things straight. She gave me a quote that helped me tremendously:

“Cheaters are cowards that are tempted to chase the fantasy of what could be…instead of courageously addressing their own self-destructive behavior and cultivating what is.” ~Dr. Steve Maraboli

I framed it and put on my desk (along with other quotes I found helpful) and started a whole board on Pinterest dedicated to infidelity. The quotes helped me realize that his cheating was his fault. It was his shame to own and his alone. I found this completely liberating and necessary in order for me to move forward.

I was thinking about other fellow chumps who may be at the beginning or in the middle of their journey and wondered if you could set aside a column where we all chip in and share quotes or articles or lyrics or whatever helped us make it though. It might be a nice resource.

Consider it done, CakeBeGone!

For me the quote, and it’s inscribed in my book (shameless plug, buy the book, review the book!) — by the great abolitionist, orator, and former slave, Frederick Douglass:

“I prayed for 20 years and received no answer until I prayed with my legs.”

I LOVE this quote. It just knocks me out every time. Essentially, this is the mission statement of Chump Lady. I encourage everyone to pray with their legs. Quit wishing and hoping, and start escaping to freedom instead.

Your turn, Chump Nation! What inspires you?

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Justine
Justine
7 years ago

When ex was trying every trick in the book to get me to come back to him, I found this quote on Pinterest : “giving some people a second chance is like giving them another bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time.”
It helped me cut through all the crap about being a changed person he threw at me, meaning I was able to stay strong in my knowledge that he hadn’t changed and that if I went back, it would be the same old story or worse.

RO
RO
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

It’s encouraging to see so many wonderful quotes, and I’e been jotting a lot of them down. I can’t say a quote necessarily helped me at the time, but I do remember reading a book called The Walk by Richard Paul Evans. This man lost his wife who he loved so much, his best friend cheated him out of money and the business and he lost a lot. he packed up the bare minimum and went walking across the country, meeting people who inspired him, and helped him to release his sadness and anger. That changed my thought process for sure. Hugs…

Eileen
Eileen
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

There is sooooo much wisdom share today through these quotes!
Thank you everyone! So many to refer back to.

KaBree
KaBree
7 years ago
Reply to  Eileen

I’ve used two a lot: Don’t stand in a pile of shit just because it is warm, it is still shit. And….Never make someone a priority who only considers you to be an option.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  Justine

In my case literally…the last time I saw Saddam outside a courtroom he was chasing me to my car with a gun in his hand.

my.walls.will.sing
my.walls.will.sing
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Hi, Datdamwuf – I did not know that was part of your story. I’m so sorry. I bet it still scares you when you remember that moment. Since my cheater/S.A./ex had hurt me after telling him I’d had enough, I had Sheriff escorts to my car after court appearances. I still felt (and sometimes still feel) fear. You are mighty for walking away and facing your fears.

To get on topic of today’s post, three quotes helped me the most. The first is from Mary Anne Radmacher…. “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice voice at the end of the day, saying I will try again tomorrow.”

My number one favorite, which is from the book, Growing Wings, by Kristen Jongen (an amazingly beautiful chumps will bloom story). When I finish graduate school and have my own counseling office, I am going to have a mural painted with it on my office wall. Hopefully it will touch the chumps I am trying to help as much as it’s helped me. Here it is: “Most profound… was discovering that the anchor she had been clinging to so tightly also yielded the rope that bound her feet to the floor. In what appeared to be a desperate loss of security… the cord was cut… revealing her defining truth… she had wings, and was always intended to fly.”

Lastly, a fellow chump on this site gave me a beautiful card, which I have framed in my family room. It says, “We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – E.M. Forster

The right quote at the right time can bring hope and light to even the darkest hours of recovery from this trauma!

Jenpen
Jenpen
7 years ago

To help with my no contact now divorced two months…”some people don’t love you, they don’t even care about you. They just want to stay connected to you. They love the benefits, so they do the minimal…a little phone call here and there, just checkin in, thinking about you, etc. what they are really doing is ; maintaining a connection, so when they need you, they still have a easy in.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Jenpen

So true, JenPen. And I think one reason adulterous relationships fail is because the cheaters ARE doing the minimum, and if they move onto a “real relationship”, the minimum just doesn’t cut it. Blabbing on the phone, texting, sneaking around for sex, even cheesey gifts and dinner dates are the minimum type of things (excluding the secretive sex) that require no real effort, no sacrifice. Anyone can do them, especially when they think they are going to get laid. With no actual commitment or real actions on their part. When you have to deal with the entirity of a person and everything in their life, then you begin to move beyond the minimum. Crazy in-laws, belligerent children, bills, laundry, snoring, lol, etc etc etc.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Jenpen

Exactly. So true and well said.

HM
HM
7 years ago

“Hurt people, hurt people”.

Mae me realize that I did NOTHING to deserve or cause it – contrary to what he was telling me and trying to get me to buy. This was on him and it wasn’t a reflection of me or my worth, value at all.

Well, that and Chump Lady/Nation…couldn’t have done it without you guys!!

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  HM

Careful with that one! Cheaters like to use it in their defense. I was hurt so I hurt you.

Gratitude
Gratitude
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Agree. My STBX used that one as an excuse for his “sex addiction”, as in his mother was mean to him so therefore he became a sex addict. It couldn’t possibly be his fault! He’s not a bad person, he just did bad things! He didn’t ask for this affliction! I heard it all. And then I served him with a divorce summons.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Yes…that quote left me cold because it excuses their behavior. I am hurt that my father told me I was fat and ugly but I did not cheat over it.

Barb C
Barb C
7 years ago
Reply to  HM

Wow! I could wear this as a tattoo.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

My favorite CL quote from the book (which I did reviewed), “Is that what you want? To lose your soul? Look, cheaters might try to take your kids, your house, your retirement accounts, your wedding china, and your dignity, but they cannot take your f***ing soul. You own that.

Definitely these two also for me. I big-time “prayed with my legs” and kicked him out. Now, to work on my head and my heart. Thank God is still have my soul.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19)

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Hebrews 13:4)

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago

Yes!

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
7 years ago

“The arc of the moral universe is long but it bends toward justice.” ~ Martin Luther King

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago

I wish I could believe that quote so much. But I have seen too many happy, rich assholes. Meth Man is NOT suffering. Many evil people aren’t. I think that is a wonderful, hopeful aspiration, but I have found I often have to fight tooth and nail for justice, and when I look around, I am usually standing alone.

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Yes, Sabine. I agree. But I also believe that when we stand up for ourselves with dignity and tell our stories in an appropriate way, we can usually change the arc in our favor. I am lucky because Durt has done this to his past wives and screwed so many side pieces and harem members over, that the arc is changing in my favor. Not to mention that no-one could ever believe the bs he says about me, as I house and take care of his mom. Also, I think people may actually like me, despite how despicable I am according to the lying cheat.

Hopestar
Hopestar
7 years ago

This quote has carried me through the darkest times

srfrgrl
srfrgrl
7 years ago

“Actions always prove why words mean nothing.”

JX
JX
7 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

Yes!! I’m a firm believe now in actions over words!!

HopiumFree
HopiumFree
7 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

Yes, yes!!

Chumped and well
Chumped and well
7 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

I love this – I’m a big believer of actions over words …

Choices of the mind,
Of the heart…
Voices – That bind,
& sets you apart.
Life is full of choices,
Which paths should I take?
What is great & which is less?
Which decision a fatal mistake?
Words are merely words,
Actions are the ones that speak…
While the latter strikes home strong,
Former is usually weak!

nomar
nomar
7 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

Reminds me of, “Your actions speak so loudly I can’t hear anything you’re saying.”

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

This may not be a fit to this convo, *sorry, but if anyone can help rest my mind, Ild be very grateful.

“Actions speak louder than words.”

Hubby cheated on a long term marriage. He’s been remorseful now, after pulling teeth to get him to give up the victim stage.

His actions to date has been always to get us back, and he really does some incredible things still for me, we are separated 5 yrs.

So I get throw my way often, ” that actions speak louder than words…”
Those words written and said to the ow meant nothing to him… (he says) It all about what he can do for me now to make my life better.

He often ask me why his actions of a 30 yrs marriage, ((which was good)) can’t speak for itself, and I’m the one who didn’t honor the marriage vows as much as he… ((In goodness & bad))

I get so confused as cheating I found out was a deal breaker, the heartbreak is to painful for me to live my life w him everyday.
So I chose to separate, but how do I not feel as if I’m the unforgiving one? and can’t see that actions go both ways? Ugh, the guilt kills me sometimes….

I changed all my passwords to the same inspirational quote, I sadly can’t share it, lolo… But gosh had it helped !

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

It’s not about forgiveness. It’s that he broke the contract and the trust between you. Sometimes that cannot be mended. You can’t unknown what you know. He acted. There was a natural consequence.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Hi Susan,

Perhaps that is what is so agonizing and peculiar about cheating…about getting naked with another and going inside of their body…a stranger in your kingdom. If he had done anything else, your Hubby of 30 years; stealing a car, losing your 401K in Vegas, getting in a bar fight, getting a tattoo on his face…there would be a way back to sanity.

But sleeping with someone else involves such deep, underground deception and this terrible awful truth:
(I have spent far too many hours analyzing it)

***I do not think you can truly love someone and have sex with another person***

It is a primitive, primal betrayal. It is letting someone inside a promise that is sacred and private, and letting that THIRD PARTY shit all over it.

Best wishes to anyone who can forgive it, but I feel true pity for them. And pity is not a particularly positive word.

Because they are casting their lot with someone who is capable of MAMMOTH, CRAFTY, CALCULATING deceit….smiling at your with that fresh baked bread, gold coins and sherbet (great examples) and his dick is still wet from another’s woman’s pussy.

It is repugnant. THAT is why you cannot let it go. It is your good sense giving your heart a halter jerk.

Note: Just Me’s example of the Jonestown massacre is spot on. Read the book Raven, one of the best accounts of Jim Jones and Jonestown ever written. You will lose sleep reading this masterpiece. Jim Jones fought for his people at times, and would give them money. He would march in parades and fight for social injustice. He gave them free healthcare. Then he killed most of them (and they were usually poor African Americans) all in Guyana, including children who were running from him in terror and they held them down and forced poison down their throats. That 10% is the deal breaker.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Thank you all for responding. It’s really a difficult place when your cheater wants to come back to the marriage. I wish he never did…

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

You can’t trust him. It’s that simple. Without trust, love and devotion are unable to take root. I told my young son once that lying destroys trust. Once destroyed, trust will not regrow.

That is why you cannot live with him. You are not at fault, he is. He lied. He destroyed the trust in your heart.

He needs to go on and live whatever life he wants, and if you two choose to be friends then let that be your relationship. You both need to move on.

Just me
Just me
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Heres the thing..that’s the same methodology lots of bad things.

The Jonestown massacre only happened because the juice was poisoned the once… The other 90% of the time it was fine.

Or.. That guy who kept a second family in the basement was never late for work and took financial care of not just the upstairs but the kidnapped child he used to start a second family… So that’s ok, right?

Your current situation is about choice. He hurt you, he messed up in a broke his vows kind of way… So you separated to see if you could forgive him and choose to take him back. So far, not happening. He needs to continue to be a good person because ‘that’s who he is’. Even if you decide the marriage is done. But he, or you, can choose to end the marriage whenever you reach that tipping point where you have to, because you have reached the point where forgiving or not, you’re not going to get back to a place of long term romantic love and attachment. You’re the one who gets to decide if you feel that way. Even if he brings you fresh baked bread every morning and gold coins and sherbet at night. You don’t owe him anything. Maybe he has changed- I don’t know I’m not you, I am not him. Regardless- you still get to decide if he as this person who isn’t cheating anymore is still the person you want to be with.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
7 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Forgiving has nothing to do with it, Susan. You can forgive someone and still realize that they cannot be in your life. And that’s the risk your ex took when he cheated…. That the consequence may be that you could not have someone in your life that would break vows, trust and create a wound so deep that you can never view them the same way again.

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

Wow!!! Love this!!!

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago

Yeah, but if words mean nothing, then that saying means nothing…

Drew
Drew
7 years ago
Reply to  oaktree

Words mean nothing if there is no action to support them. Take for example, I love you. My words don’t show you my love, my actions do. Sort of like those vows we all pledged on our wedding days. Cheaters will betray those words and promises, while Chumps will live them.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
7 years ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

^^^this!^^^

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
7 years ago

Most of my inspirational quotes have come from here. Someone on here said “the minute he stuck his dick in another woman the marriage was over.” That one always snaps me back to reality when the hopium starts to creep in. And from DM– “asking the faithful spouse what they did to cause the cheating is like asking a rape victim what she was wearing.” That helps me remember that it’s Not. My. Fault.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

Same here. My favorite is, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Mary Oliver. I only have one opportunity to live a meaningful life. I know it is up to me to get it right. As much as what happened to me was wrong, it is my obligation to make my life the best one possible.

Jenna
Jenna
7 years ago

“There is nothing defective in you that caused your spouses infidelity. If you keep searching for that fault, you will never find what you are looking for”

“If you keep asking someone for the benifit of the doubt, eventually they will start to doubt your benifit”

Cry me a river
Cry me a river
7 years ago

‘You can’t continue to dance with the Devil and wonder why you’re still in hell’

That really clarified it for me

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  Cry me a river

If you hang around the barbershop long enough, you are going to get a haircut.

junglechump
junglechump
7 years ago

“If he is not an asset (to your family), then he is a liability”. Source dont remember.

Since my STBXH was indirectly responsible for the death of our dogs (different events) and had nearly two drunk driving near death accidents (during my pregnancy when hecwent on the madness cheating party spree), is addicted to several substances, is reckless with arms around the house, and of course the cheating.

Didnt leave me much choice and that quote nailed it.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

“Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.”

“I don’t meet the height requirement to ride your emotional ROLLERCOASTER!”

“When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them ”

“When People Can’t Control Their Own Emotions, They Have to Control Someone Else’s Behavior.”

FinallyAwake
FinallyAwake
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

“When People Can’t Control Their Own Emotions, They Have to Control Someone Else’s Behavior.”

Wow. That really stands out for me.

junglechump
junglechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

“When Someone Shows You Who They Are, Believe Them ”

ah yeah thats the other one i have been liking a lot!!

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  junglechump

Believe them the first time! or they will show you again and again.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

That Maya Angelou “When someone shows you how they are, believe them the first time” was also my first thought.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, same here!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago

That was one for me too. Ditto!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

All of these.are very inspirational. Thanks for sharing!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

and “Actions speak louder than words.”

ohhhhh this one also….”Stupid is as stupid does”

and “Common sense is not that common”

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Another version of your first quote did it for me. I went old school Latin with:

Actra Non Verba

Actions not deeds

Loridachump007
Loridachump007
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Deeds not words. : )

NorthLondon
NorthLondon
7 years ago

Not strictly on topic, but a while back my ex-wife’s affair partner tweeted this gem:
Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with someone else.

Such a great guy. Can’t wait for the karma bus to make his stop.

My favourite quote: Cheating is a choice. And that made me realise that I didn’t force her to cheat.
Her cheating wasn’t about me, it was about her, and her issues.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  NorthLondon

It will probably be some pissed off husband with a gun.

FreshAir
FreshAir
7 years ago
Reply to  NorthLondon

OMG, the OW used that one too!! Posted it to his FB page, made me want to vomit lol. I often wondered if he had really changed for her, if in fact we did marry too young as he’s said over and over. Well found out about his Ashley Madison and CougarLife account, so nope, not too young! Just a guy that likes to spread his love juices everywhere.

“Trust that they suck” is my go to mantra!!! Because they do, on so many levels.

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago
Reply to  FreshAir

Yes! I felt the same way. I wondered if he did change for someone else. I thought he treated me badly because I sucked so much. Then, I found out that he’s in an open marriage and he can’t even honor that contract. He ignored his wife’s protests, thinking he could make it work with two women. Then, things went south with the other woman. So, he demands the wife give up her boyfriend since he didn’t have a girlfriend anymore. His wife decided to continue it without his permission. He hasn’t changed. Theoretically, cheaters COULD choose to change. They don’t have to prove ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ true. Unfortunately, I now see that many cheaters don’t WANT to change.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  JannaG

JannaG, “cheaters don’t WANT to change” – this is what’s taking me the longest time to get over.

In the back of my mind, despite everything I found out, I still have this sense that this is all some kind of mistake and STBX is going to come to his senses or, at the very least, he is up at 3:00 in the morning turning this over in his head (as I am).

But no. He’s sleeping like a baby. Like a big fat, farting, drunkass, middle-aged, perverted baby. He’s finally living his authentic life. Ewww…

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago
Reply to  NorthLondon

NorthLondon, he’ll probably tweet the same thing the next time he meets the next someone.

Raging
Raging
7 years ago

“Someday, someone new will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with the last person until someone new will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out until someone new walks into your life.. until you die”

brit
brit
7 years ago

Blessingindisguise, your post made me burst out laughing, so funny and true.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Jackass’s OW loved that first one, too. Way to devalue and diminish the spouse or partner.

JannaG
JannaG
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Someday, someone will walk out of his life and he will realize he’s the reason it didn’t work out. Or maybe he won’t figure it out and he will keep repeating the same poor behavior.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago

The urban dictionary difination of alimony: The Fucking You Get For The Fucking You Got.

OK, it’s pithy and light and funny. But…it reminds me that this is HIS fault. When he brings out the Sad Sausage routine that he doesn’t have any money, when he blames me for being a vindictive bitter ex who bled him dry (and now he denies he ever cheated!), when he tells the children he can never have them overnights because he can’t afford a big enough place (because mom bled him dry)…..I remember this quote. I remember that this is all on him…his decisions, his consequences. And that doesn’t make me bitter or vindictive.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago
Reply to  renewed

Sounds like a good mantra for mediation haha

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

True, while we were hammering out the details, ex complained about being broke, not havening enough to live off of, whine???. He wasted tons of money on his hoes, but none for me.?!
This song played in my head and propelled me forward.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

Enough evil fantasies, now back to reality.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

“She cheated because she was an unhappy person and she looks for happiness in others instead of looking for it in herself.”

Peaceful chump1111
Peaceful chump1111
7 years ago

While this wasn’t an inspirational quote, several things different counselors said to me really stuck.

“No matter what path you choose there will be pain. You can leave and endure the pain now. Or you can stay in an unhealthy relationship and endure the pain later”

“you will be the one who pays the price if you stay. You will turn to alcohol, food, depression meds, something to numb the pain of an unhealthy relationship”

“If he’s not in a counseling program and works on these issues “himself”, you can just go ahead and mark your calendar and pick a day because he will do this again”

Blown Away
Blown Away
7 years ago

WOW… Great Counseling/Counselor/messages one needs to hear!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

So many . . .

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” — Brené Brown

“Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm, but the harm (that they cause) does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.” -— T. S. Eliot

“I am a recovering narcissist. I thought narcissism was about self-love till someone told me there is a flip side to it. It is actually drearier than self-love; it is unrequited self-love.” —- Emily Levine

But my two favorites . . .

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.” — Amanda Torroni

“I wonder if the course of narcissism through the ages would have been any different had Narcissus first peered into a cesspool. He probably did.” —- Frank O’Hara

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.”

— Amanda Torroni

Wow…!

Thank you Uxworld 🙂

mary ann balbier
mary ann balbier
7 years ago
Reply to  JeepTess

Followed by: How greedy you must have been that my pain was dessert.

sephage
sephage
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” — Brené Brown

Wow. That’s perfect.

My cheating STBXW told me “I don’t feel extraordinary” as part of the justification for her cheating (and financial infidelity… and abusive behavior… etc…).

Now I understand why.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Is the “vulnerability lens” the same as a high-powered scope? 🙂

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  sephage

I knew this about cheater narc from pretty early on, but what I didn’t know was that you can’t love someone that fucked up into feeling more secure and being happier, and that ‘underneath it all’ he did NOT have a good heart. I’m not sure he had a heart at all!

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
7 years ago

I made up my own. “If they can’t choose between the AP and you (the person they already chose), then they’ve made their choice already.”

Helped me remember that if he truly wanted to be with me and me only, he would be.

Also “If he really wanted to be here (like he says) he would be.”

DocK
DocK
7 years ago

“Your children will one day know who the functional parent is.”

JK
JK
7 years ago

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

I can’t recall where I saw this, but it has stayed with me since the day I read it. This simple statement has helped me stay mindful of the importance of recognizing and removing toxic people from my life.

Regina
Regina
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

Maya Angelou said it, a poet and author who died recently (last few years)
A very inspiring person indeed.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

Yes!!!!!!!!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

“Divorcing her was a horrible relief”

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago

+1. I’ll drink to that too.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

I’ll drink to that SureChumpedAlot! ?

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

I had two, though they’re not cheater-specific:

“Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.” – Maya Angelou

“A grand adventure is about to begin.” – Winnie the Pooh

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

I recently adopted a rather non-traditional favorite from a Natalie Babbitt novel that some might find interesting:

“Pretty doesn’t mean good, you know. Life isn’t like fairy tales. Pretty just means that, by accident, you’ve got things arranged on the outside in an extra pleasing manner. It doesn’t tell a thing about the inside.”

I like this because it reminds me that the messaging that I have become less attractive and that justifies a loss of desire to treat me as a valuable person worthy of love, affection, respect, monogamy, etc. is completely fraudulent.

It also reminds me that someone else’s physical beauty is just a facade, a temporary, fragile thing, a simple but useless reality that tells me nothing about the things that actually matter to me in a person. This, for me, has been a substantial game changer in the ending of the pick me dance.

BridgetJones
BridgetJones
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, all of these. So very true. Thank yo.

Informal
Informal
7 years ago

The truth will set you free!

kaycan
kaycan
7 years ago
Reply to  Informal

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” Gloria Steinem

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

Ha! Like love it!

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
7 years ago

You cannot let someone else’s dysfunction determine your destiny.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago

Adultery is Gods way of getting the assholes out of your life. (The cheaters themselves along with their fucked up family)

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

So true LadyStrange!

satan and his assholes are all out of my life!!!! YA! 🙂

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Even though I’m an agnostic . . . LIKE!

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You know Lady Strange, I’ve actually thought about that before.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

This is from “Queen of Your Own Life” by Kathy Kinney (Yes, she was Mimi on The Drew Carey Show) and Cindy Razlaff. I have copies of this in my office at work and on my fridge at home:

“One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life and the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. She made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the Queen of her own life and the choice was hers.”

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

“If you’re going through hell, keep going’ – Winston Churchill

still a chump
still a chump
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

my fave also!

TunnelLight
TunnelLight
7 years ago
Reply to  still a chump

Me too!!!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

I love this one, too!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

That quote is one of my faves.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago

asshole merit badge photo: Asshole Merit Badge awards_A-hole-of-Merit.jpg

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

That should be on th CL site for purchase!

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Yes! Please! I’d love to have one! I earned it! 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Excellent! (but wait–do we get it for tolerating them, or do they get it for being assholes extraordinaire?)

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I was planning to make some merit badges for the Yosemite trip which I won’t be able to attend (hope it becomes an annual event – the best kind of “family reunion – one thing I’m grateful for is no more need to attend STBX’s annual family reunion. They all live in Crazytown.

Anyway, could I send them to you to bring along? Thanks.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

We earn that for putting up with them.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaa! Totally!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Hilarious, RumbleKitty!!!

hopiumrecovery
hopiumrecovery
7 years ago

Stop seeking comfort from the source of your pain.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  hopiumrecovery

Yep :)!

BridgetJones
BridgetJones
7 years ago
Reply to  hopiumrecovery

I’m writing this down to carry with me 24/7

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  hopiumrecovery

Yes!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

“If you are not being treated like royalty, you are not in the right relationship” paraphrased from the book “Attached” that my therapist lent me.

It took me some time to realize I deserved better, that was what I needed to get me out of an abusive relationship, when I learned to love myself again.

This verse helped me through some dark days”
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.” Pslam 28:7

happily never after
happily never after
7 years ago

If I can just be still, God will reveal he’s been watching after me. Watch the video starting at about 5’40” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnnuTe3PQX4

I received a lot of strength from spiritual quotes.

Lizzy
Lizzy
7 years ago

It isn’t exactly inspirational but it worked for me in the days after d-day #2:

“fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me!”

I hung it above my desk to remind myself what a fool I would be to take him back again. Then I found CL which solidified that belief!

FMT
FMT
7 years ago
Reply to  Lizzy

I love that quote, and it’s how I chose my user name (Fool Me Twice – FMT).

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

“…leave a remorseless cheater behind and arrive at your new life with your soul intact.” Thanks CL!

Alexa
Alexa
7 years ago

“Make the rest of your life the best of your life. “

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

“Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming … ” Dori from Finding Nemo

Sorry it is so stupid, but that little song honestly runs through my mind when I find myself swamped with emotion that I just can’t escape.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

My sister bought me a bracelet years before Dday that said “Just keep swimming” because I’d started to swim laps for exercise. After Dday I wore it every day. I would also say, “Breathe in, breathe out, repeat.”

Chatty
Chatty
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Haha, I don’t run anymore (except for the bus) but that used to be my mantra for tempo runs. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump
Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Now I am going to get stuck with that song in my head. Truly.

DirtyWater
DirtyWater
7 years ago

When selecting your divorce lawyer … “Never bring a knife to a gun fight.”

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
7 years ago

Dear Woman,
Sometimes you’ll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something that makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand
You do not need a smaller crown—
You need a man with bigger hands.

Michael Reid

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Beautiful and frame worthy! ( my chump quotes list just got a lot longer today )

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

So empowering it brings tears to my eyes!
CN and CL are such an inspiration.

“Don’t make someone a priority, who only makes you an option,” was something gleaned from this blog. I shared them with cheater, and even he got it!

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

I love that one too. I think I saw it attributed to Mark Twain somewhere. But it helped me realize I did the right thing to throw him out on DDay when he said, if it didn’t work out with OW he could “totally see us getting back together.” I told him hell to the no. and GTFO.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Thank you Midlife Blast. I cannot tell you how much this poem means to me. I am crying my eyes out.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Awesome!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Perfection.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

So beautiful!

Valerie
Valerie
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Excellent!

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago

I put these on my phone and pull them out when needed.

1. Effort is sexy
2. I didn’t cause it, I cannot sure it, and I cannot control it.
3. It’s really easy to make good choices. You just tell the truth and refuse to harm other people.
4. The only winning move is not to play
5. True men stand by their families, honor their vows, and tell the truth.
6. Trust that he sucks.
7. I deserve better.
8. As a rational person with morals and ethics, expecting the same from him is like trying to get milk from a chicken.
9. It is what it is, but it becomes what I make it.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

Annie, I love #3. And #8 reminds me of my own touchstone saying, which someone here at CL said one day and I actually had it made into a drawing by an artist friend of mine: “That goldfish was never gonna knit you a sweater.” — He was never gonna be that guy who stood up and was courageous and fought for us. Never.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Most if not all are from CL posts. After this Friday challenge I will have a lot more great things to add.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

The following is part of a sermon by T.D. Jakes. It really helped me.
—-

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Tyler Perry made this into an onstage sketch and if you haven’t seen it (YouTube, anyone?), it’s fantastic.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

i have the short video of him saying this on my desktop and watched it many times over!! I LOVE this too!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn, this is terrific. Thank you so much.

hesatthecurb
hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

TD Jakes is going to have a syndicated show this summer. I can’t wait.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

That is so good, Lyn. I really like T.D.Jakes. “Good-bye is my tenth spiritual gift.”. I’m getting good at this one. I’ve put so many people out of my life the last couple of years. And I don’t feel bad about it because they deserved it. And I don’t tell them about it or why either, cause guess what? They already know, because they know what they are doing to you. The only thing they wonder is why you are putting up with it.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I agree, Anita. I also really like “Your destiny is never tied to anyone who left.”

BNJ
BNJ
7 years ago

It’s not necessarily a quote but I love CL’s analogy of a shit stew. It was easy to look back on all the “good times” until you realize even the good times “the dumplings in the stew” were surrounding by excrement.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

Here’s another one I keep on my phone:

“…any human tragedy is survivable if one chooses to find meaning in the experience. And if you choose to become stronger, wiser, and more compassionate as a result, then no experience, no matter how painful, is ever solely negative.” -Kelli Fultz

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I believe this, and live my life this way! Thank you, Lyn!

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago

Oh Tracy — so many from your articles and your book — and every day, not just once, not just one.

The laughter helped and healed and clarified. What a gift you have and have shared with us. Your articles your book and those spot-on illustrations!!! Eternal thanks to you, and may God richly bless your soul.

The latest saying that is benefiting me, but not the first, and not the only: You got fired from your job of caring when he cheated. (or close to that, from your book)

ElleB
ElleB
7 years ago

“Sometime the best thing is not to wonder, not imagine, not obsess, not think. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”

Valerie
Valerie
7 years ago

My main inspirational quote comes from Al-Anon: ” You can’t get milk at the hardware store.” I kept expecting apologies and kindness from him, and blamed myself that there was something very wrong with me. I finally realized that he just didn’t have it within himself to give. It also made it easier for me to deal with my mother, also a narc.

I had never lived by myself before I left the ex, convinced by my FOO that I “needed a man to take care of me”. (Funny because I took care of HIM our whole 21 year relationship and marriage) So when I left him, I was very afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own. This poem, which I found had been attributed to many people and can be found in a few different renditions, helped me immensely.

After Awhile

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child.

And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure.
You really are strong .
You really do have worth.
And you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

My grandmother sent this to me right around the time I took my boys and left cheater ex. Over the years I have taken a lot of comfort from it.

DocK
DocK
7 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

So beautiful. I’m going to print it out and stick it on the fridge. Then I’m going to plant a garden 🙂

Margo
Margo
7 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

Beautiful!

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

Wow. Love this.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

I love this and have it on my nightstand

bepositive
bepositive
7 years ago

When he was (and is) being a total shit to me, I kept saying “Don’t make excuses for him. You can’t put flowers in an asshole and call it a vase.”

My personal mantra is, “She believed she could, so she did.” It has helped me to work through much of the fallout from the whole D-Day through the divorce and beyond.

However, I don’t think I would be in what I consider a good place without the care and help of my counselor.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  bepositive

What do you expect from a pig but a grunt..,

ChocLemonGelato
ChocLemonGelato
7 years ago

When wading through the muck and mire of the swamp that is grief, understand this; “You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.”

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago

“You don’t get to choose from the Kharma menu, you get served what you deserve”

I also tell myself daily (sometimes hourly!) that in order to have the great life I want and deserve, shmuckbag ex cannot be in it. Ever again.

TiredChump
TiredChump
7 years ago

Look ahead to the rest of your life and ask yourself what you want it to add up to. -Pema Chodron

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
7 years ago

“I am enough.”

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” Maya Angelou

“They didn’t cheat because of who you are. They chose to cheat because of who they are not.”

“Sometimes I have to tell myself, it just isn’t worth the jail time.”

“Trust that they suck.” Chump Lady

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

To keep me on the straight & narrow: If you’re planning revenge, be sure to dig two graves.

TiredChump
TiredChump
7 years ago

And also from Pema

“Sometimes when things fall apart – well that’s the big opportunity to change”

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago

“Cheating isn’t a mistake, it’s a choice.” Damn right it is and my ex made that choice over and over.

And I love this one:

You lied.
You lied about who you are.
You lied about how you felt.
You lied about the past.
You lied about the future.
You pretended to be everything that you’re not,
And you’re calling ME crazy!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

I saw this one last night and it made me laugh:

“If you’re talking behind my back then you’re in a good position to kiss my ass.”

It’s for the lies they tell everyone else about you so they can look like a good person.