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New Age Cheaterisms

LLLSeveral of you suggested this contest in the comments this week — take a popular New Age-y aphorism like “Live, Love, Laugh” and rewrite it for cheater sensibilities –“Lie, Luv, Litigate.”

Cheaters seem well-versed in philosophy — the kind of Pinterest-board deep thoughts that can only be expressed by a sunset meme or a basket of kittens.

So what’s your cheater goop speak of the week?

If you see some judgement, set it free?

Keep Calm and Hide Your Phone?

You Light Up My… Polygraph?

Please share yours!

fly

 

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • She felt broken.
    So she fucked her co-worker to make her feel whole again.

    Insert obligatory picture of jubilant woman in a field of flowers.

    • Ah yes, the old “I’m broken so it’s okay to destroy you with my selfish actions” excuse. My favorite line was, “we’re both broken so we were drawn to each other.” So…because the two of you are fucked up you thought you’d fuck up a bunch of other innocent people in the process??

      • “we’re both broken so we were drawn to each other.”

        Thank you for bringing back this classic. My XW trotted every single line from the Cheater Script I’d forgotten it. She loved the Royal “we.” WE were broken? Speak for yourself, Your Majesty. Only one of us was admitted to a psych ward prior to our relationship, and I’ll give you a hint as to who it was: it wasn’t me.

        • My ex was admitted to the psych ward prior to our relationship as well. He used to cut himself. It was sad.

      • That sounds like my ex. The “it is all me and she and I are broken and need each other” garbage. What a waste of 10 years of my life with him… 🙁

  • I personally like the one CL posted a few days ago. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either”

      • I have to sigh and wish I had heard CL’s version of that one when I was growing up. It was my hippie dippy mantra for a lot of things. I got so fucking duped with, “If you love something let it go, and it comes back it is yours and if it doesn’t it never really was.” Cue that stupid butterfly.

        • Ironically, that was OW’s go-to aphorism every time she and XH had a fight. At the time, she was either texting him or messaging him on Facebook, and he had push notifications on his phone. If he left his phone unattended, I could pick it up and see that “If you love someone…” repeated in multiple messages.

          By the way, they’re getting married in 2 weeks and XH’s communication skills are as good as (n)ever. The only reason he parted with his phone in the last 2 years was when they had a fight. He would even leave it locked in his car! This way, he didn’t have to answer her calls or engage with her in any way.

        • So funny! Ex and Skank broke up but are now back together…. True love I’m sure…..,,or both couldn’t find a better offer yet!

  • The Betrayed Partner Serenity Prayer:
    God grant me the SERENITY to accept the cheater as someone I cannot change
    the COURAGE to change my life because I can, and
    the WISDOM to know that no contact and leaving a cheater is the only way to GET A LIFE.

  • If you think the grass is greener on the other side…..it’s because it’s fertilized with your bullshit.

    • I love you but I’m not in love with you. AKA Sorry I just ripped your intestines out, threw them on the ground, stomped on them and then lit them on fire. Ooops – gotta go. She’s waiting. Good luck with your efforts to neatly reinsert your organs. Oh. And I hope your hair starts growing back and you stop looking like a skeleton. Later.

      • I love you but….is the cheater’s mantra. See, I’m not a bad person because I do “love you” just not you know, the way I promised I would when I married you, bought a house together, had a child……

    • ‘Luv Means Never Having To Say “I’m Married”’ – That is gold, GOOYSACA, absolute gold!

  • Search, Smother, Shame, Slaughter
    Desire, Dominate, Destroy, Discard
    A cheater will be cheated on with those they cheated with.

  • And from Ben Franklin – needing no changes.to describe our cheaters……………

    He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else

    • Although I believe Ben Franklin was a huge cheater… our national symbol should have been a turkey as he wanted.

  • “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, and BABY, all they got is smaaalll “stufff”. At least in my experience. Very small. Almost non existant.

    • My ex was always concerned he was too small, because an ex-girlfriend told him he was. I actually thought he was fine and never would have hit below the belt like his ex-girlfriend did. Though it was tempting to talk smack to him after the cruel things he said to me.

  • “Lawyer UP!!” (instead of “Cowboy UP” for you non-horse people….)

    This is fun. Thank you, CL and fellow Chumps….

    • Ugh! Horrible 70s tripe. My mother said that when my father left her, the song “Philadelphia Freedom” was popular and she hated it.

  • YOLO!! as in You Only Litegate Once! If you learn your lesson that is.!

    And on the heels of that

    A chump needs a cheater like a fish needs a bicycle.

  • Not sure of the exact wording, but it would need to show a picture of sushi or possibly some current teenager terminology cause ex and whore were both 40s/50s year old teenagers who just LOVED SUSHI. I know, a pic of Molly Ringwald from the 80s in The Breakfast Club with her little sushi lunch.

  • Where your penis goes, your life follows……………………………..(orig: where your mind goes, your life follows)

    or

    Change your affair partner and you’ll change your family’s world……………….(orig: change your thoughts and you’ll change your world)

  • If you do who you’ve always done, you won’t catch what you’ve never caught (thereby giving it to who you’ve always done, ya skeevy bastard.)

  • “Porn shucking”…”Porn on the cob”….”Creamed Porn”…..”Porn maze”…..”Porny jokes”…..”Pornflakes”…..

    • Memory this word brings up:

      While he was a selfish monster who had just been outed as cheating, while he was pondering which woman to choose, he (likely trying to encourage a new turn in the “pick me dance”) says to me “What men really crave is to be admired”…to which I responded “the first step in being admired is to do something admirable”.

      He could have left the marriage more admirably if he had acted with decency and integrity, but those things are hard.

  • Trust nothing cheater says, you will be happy
    File for everything, you will be happier
    Go NO CONTACT, you will be happiest

  • You are never given a fantasy without being given the power to make it come true. You may have to f*** a Smorgasbord of strange to get it, however.

  • From that place on you to that place on me which, when your place is in my place, we are one sleazy mess.

      • Ah, yes. The Dead Snake Look. If only I had know what it was when I was younger. Now I see it everywhere: My new boss. I mean former boss as I quit as soon as I was onto her. My contractor on our remodel. We are wrapping up with him today and not hiring him to do any further projects. That look, combined with one act of selfishness or not doing what they say they are going to do no matter how petty, is a sure sign of more to come.

        • MDG, you are on to something. I call it lizard brain and one act of selfishness, paint my butt blue, I am gone.

        • I never saw it as dead snake eyes, although it was reptilian. That look always reminded me of the plotting secret hatred I’d once seen in a 6yo girl. Scary in a girl child, scarier in a grown man. But also kind of funny.

          • While wreckonciling I tried to explain to cheater how I could tell he was being dishonest by that look… he of course disagreed that the look exists, or that i would ever be able to tell if he wasn’t telling me something… Frankly I’m glad he never caught on that the deadeyes are real. It’s nice now having that weather vane available when discussing finances, child rearing, etc…

  • It’s a shame that you aren’t evolved enough to understand….I can love two (or more) women at once. If you’d only let go of your Puritanical ideals, you’d be much happier in our marriage.

    • Oh, this is familiar. Except the ex in my case said that if my parents hadn’t gotten divorced when I was young and created lifelong insecurity in me, then I would be able to love freely like he does. In other words, I couldn’t accept his cheating because I was psychologically damaged.

      • yes, mine said that because I had an alcoholic mom & a bad childhood. I would never have as much in common with him as Susan of Seattle does…you see she and him had good childhoods so they had a deep connection.

      • Oh my. This is the first time I’m encountered that argument here. I thought that might be the one original piece of bullshit he came up with. Now there’s nothing left. He’s just completely textbook. He went further to say his family was healthier because his parents had stayed together even though his Dad was a cheater. In his mind it as divorce that does damage, not the cheating, lying, and abandonment of his father. Nope, no disfunction there (that was sarcasm.)

    • Translation: If you only let go of your puritanical ideas, “I” would be much happier.
      Reality: If you only let go of me and this marriage, YOU will be much happier.

    • My ex seriously said this to me:

      “Becoming one’s authentic self comes at an exorbitant price, but it’s worth it, at any price.”

      My therapist had a gag reflex when I told her that one.

      This was three months ago when I wouldn’t agree to an open marriage, so he moved out, excited to get on with his new post-Burning Man life of bisexual S&M, augmented by sexfinder.com hook ups with strangers.

      Now he is already complaining about having to live in his parents’ basement and how hard he has to work now to pay his own bills. Sad, sad 40 year old sausage.

      When I pointed out that he had made his bed and now he is lying in it, he looked completely taken aback. He retorted,”We both made decisions!”

      Right, ass wipe, you gave me a “choice” between a divorce and a lifetime of shit sandwiches, and I decided to choose door number 1. Move along, loser.

  • He: “True love doesn’t fit in a box. There are many boxes all existing at the same time.”
    Me: “I’m taking my empty box and going home.”

      • I guess Pandora’s box is sparkly and smells like sunshine and roses. For now….. go ahead and Tiptoe through her Tulips. Asshole.

        • V-V-V – well now, I’ve finally heard somebody else repeat what the X said. He can love a lot of different people at the same time. I’m like – huh? WTF? Not with me around. And, he wasn’t talking about his mother.

  • Said by XW during sham marriage counseling (while having the affair in my face):

    “OM and I have an adult relationship. He told me we will both swim in the ocean of our relationship, side by side, but swimming individually. When I get tired, he will tread water and hold me; and then we will continue our swim, separate but together.”

    Vomit. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I divorced her and they are now drowning in debt and unemployment and treading the waters of their own shittiness.

    • He was telling her he’s still going to bang other people.. aka ‘side by side but individually’. ‘Separate, but together’.. so much bullshit it takes a few seconds to decipher it.

    • You can’t make this stuff up, can you? So sorry for your pain, David. Cruel, disordered cheater. Glad you swam away from that shark.

    • David, your X’s quote reminds me of that movie, Open Water.

      The one where a couple goes scuba diving on their vacation, misses their boat back, treads water together…..holding each other up physically and mentally, until they exhaust themselves and realize no one will save them from their decision to NOT FOLLOW THE RULES (be back at the meet up at the specified time) and then they are eaten by the nurse sharks.

    • Oh, god. Apologies to Kahlil Gibran, but I can’t stand his poem “Marriage” anymore.

      “But let there be spaces in your togetherness … [during which you can chase other people and then pretend later like you thought this would be okay with your spouse, so no need to tell her]”

      • David – how did you keep from hurling on the MC’s carpet? Sounds like she deserves the freak. How much you want to bet this strap-on has a Yanni playlist?

        • Eventually (a session or two later; I don’t recall) even the MC had had enough and told her, annoyed: “Maybe if you stopped having an affair and turned your attention to your family, you wouldn’t be so unhappy?”

          At which XW stood up, enraged, and said “I don’t have to take this,” and stormed out. No, you can’t make this shit up.

          • Utterly right David, you can’t make this shit up. Our MC suggested exasshole might consider testing for Bipolar Disorder, he was reasonable and calm in her office, saying that was a serious diagnosis and was appalled she would say such a thing. When we got to the car he went into a full on rage, I was driving and just kept telling him ‘of course you are not BPD’, it’s OK, relax… it took a while for me to see the humor in this because he was scary as shit. I’m sure ya’ll see the irony of his raging out of control because a therapist suggested he might have BPD…

            • Therapy only works if the person sincerely wants to work on themselves and their life-coping skills. Mine decided that yes, he did have problem and sought help on his own but once the therapist got too deep into the real issues he bailed. Of course, it didn’t help that by then another “love of his life” appeared on the scene and was able to distract him with “you’re a good person, your wife is the crazy one” so he didn’t have to deal with reality anymore.

    • Her Cheater-Script Marital Rewrite was her premise: I was too controlling. Except I wasn’t: I told her to quite her job, I’d work more, take a year off, travel with some girlfriends while I stayed home with our two babies, sure, we can buy this house even though we can’t afford it because it will bring you happiness… just on and on.

      Oh, wait! Yes, I was controlling that one time when I told her to stop having an affair, destroying me and our family, or I would divorce her. Stupid controlling husband-me.

      • David, how did you keep from cracking up and laughing when she said that bullshit? Good lord, she sounds like a cheap harlequin story with legs! I would have laughed till I cried.

        • In hindsight, four years later, I can laugh at the utter absurdity of it. At the time I was in deep pain and shock–just devastated that she would continue, remorselessly, to bring pain to me and our children, and so desperate to hold the family together that I actually half-believed what she was saying. As with so many other stories, my spouse had become a stranger. It was a nightmare from which I finally found the strength to extricate myself.

          • I understand that profound desperation, panic, grief. So sorry you had to endure that. Glad you found the strength.

            • I understand it, too. When I look back in surprise at what I put up with in the horrid months right after D Day, whilst he was pretending to have “chosen me”. It’s humiliating. Then I remember that “profound desperation, panic, grief”. I was truly out of my head with it all.

              I’m sorry you had to go through it. Glad you’re on the other side now.

      • I’m controlling, too. I’m so controlling for telling the Cheater that it hurt me when he sees women behind my back. Entitled piece of crap! Your Cheater is typical with the Word Salad they come up with!

  • Deep thoughts of a cheater
    blank….
    sorry, I just saw something shiny
    I really did have a deep thought
    But then I got horny
    Don’t overthink and sunsets
    Namaste y’all

    • I saw this one on Facebook this weekend: “If they are stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough and let them go.”

  • “I’m singing in the pain, just singing in the pain, what a terrible feeling, I’m sappy again”

  • If it feels good, do it! and my favourite:
    There’s nothing that says strong, independant woman like getting involved with a married man – with kids!

  • Oh, no, the songs are coming:

    “Oh give me lays, lots of lays, underneath a starry sky, don’t fence me in…” Cowboy motif today

    “Rollin’, Rollin’, Rollin,’ keep those Dollies Rollin”, Keep those Darlin’s Rollin”, RAW HIDE”

    • Dianne – maybe that can be the next challenge on CL! The cheater Narc playlist! “You’re Just Too Good to be True” – Narc-style. “I’m just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of me. I’d be like heaven to touch. I want to hold me so much. At long last love has arrived. Everyone thanks god I’m alive. I’m just too good to be true. Can’t take my eyes off of me. I love me, baby!”. You get the idea.

        • Above, “Whats Luv got to with this”

          I think this should certainly be a new challenge…The Top 50 Cheater Narc Playlist!!

          “Oh Come All Unfaithless, Joyless but triumphant”, sorry, had to do it.

              • Ha! Good ones, _esq and Diane! How about “My Eyes Adroed Me” – Frankie Valli. A Grease favorite: “I’m the One that I Want”. And who can forget that Van Morrison Classic “Have I Told Me Lately That I Love Me?”.

                We could do it like the old K-Tel records: “Music to Stare in Mirrors By”

              • I remember reading that Warren Beatty loved to brag about how You’re So Vain is about him. As if anyone needed any more proof he’s a narcissist . . .

    • Ack! He did complain about how I folded his socks. If only I had recognized this as the sign of entitlement that it was when we first got married.

    • He was very particular about his clothes and gave me strict instructions. One of them was that I never touch or involve myself with his clothing that was bagged awaiting being dropped off at the cleaners, he handled then himself. Roger that, duly noted and done.

      At sham marriage counseling, he said he must leave this marriage as I was such a bad wife “As we speak there is a bag of clothing of mine in the closet needed to be dropped at the cleaners and she has not done it”.

      Never mind he told me not to touch it…and that he had long fucked hordes of coworkers… but we were discussing my shortcomings, not his.

      • Wow! The Lewinsky dress comes to mind, here. :/

        Having read this, I will now consider “his” laundry aspects, especially the dry cleaning. Just, wow!

    • At the start of our marriage: I “did the laundry wrong.” I folded his socks “wrong.” I folded his shirts “wrong.” I put his shirts away in the closet “wrong.” Shirts must be ” ROTATED!”

      • Oh, my, god. I truly thought it was me. When we were first together, he showed me how to fold his clothes. A few months later, he changed how he wanted them folded so he showed me the ‘improved’ way to fold…this happened over and over. At the end of 15 years, I STILL never managed to fold his clothes the right way.

        • I was told that it was a waste of time to do laundry at all for all those years. Wash them, dry them, throw them on the floor (oh wait – throw them on a table so you don’t have to bend over). Yes – why I wasted my time all those years folding and putting away laundry when there were much better things to do like drink beer and drink more beer and sext bob/amanda on your secret phone or ‘chat’ it up with all those ‘friends’ you met on Yahoo! Silly me!

        • Laundry is a thing. It’s come up before and I have had the same experience as you. I hung his shirts the wrong way, folded his socks the wrong way. Ok, so I asked how he would like them and started doing that only to be told later that wasn’t helpful. Heaven forbid I leave his clean clothes in the basket and then late at night or early morning he’s huffing and puffing and fuming trying to find “some clean clothes around here somewhere.” Ooh, let me hop right out of bed and run to your rescue and find 3 pairs of matching navy socks in like 30 seconds. Not sure why that was so hard for him. Even harder to understand why I put up with that for so long… I haven’t touched his laundry since he moved out 3 1/2 months ago. It’s beautiful.

          • Jeez, we could form a support group for lousy laundry folders because I thought it was just me who couldn’t fold his stuff right. Nice to know that this a real “thing.”

              • My ex would throw all the clothes he wore on the ground. Some were clean; so weren’t no had to figure out which was which without asking, or I was a awful.

          • I got praised for getting white clothes whiter than his mother ever did. [Gasp!] However, I failed miserably at sandwich cutting… They HAD to be cut ON THE DIAGONAL. If cut them down the middle, boy, oh boy, I heard about it!! When I asked what the big damn deal was, his only reason was because that’s the way his mother always cut them…. SMH

          • Bad sock folder here too! I like rolling mine up in balls, but he doesn’t like that. So I did the wash and the folding, except for the socks, which I left for him to do with as he liked. And I made sure to leave all his clean clothes on top of the covers on his side of the bed, because if I left them in the basket he’d never put them away.

            He’s probably whining about this ill-treatment to some woman right now. Oh woe!

            • I started doing that years ago, too. I couldn’t fold his socks the “perfect” way, so I put the clean socks in a neat pile that he could “perfectly” put into his drawer. I stopped putting his shirts away in the closet, because I refused to “rotate.” Who the frick rotates their clothes? A CONTROLLING, anal retentive person. I left all his clean, folded clothes on the ironing board in our closet. I let him put them away, because I couldn’t do it “right.” I remember him telling me when we were newly married that I folded his white t-shirts “wrong.” How could he “tell what type of shirt they were if they weren’t folded this certain way!!!!!” So I did it his way in order to make him “happy.” God forbid he’d ever thank me for 20+ years of washing, fluffing and folding his clothes. He had the nerve to say to my face after D-Day, “You NEVER took good care of me.” F off bastard child! You lied to me for over 20 years about all of your women “friends” and other daily stupid lies. Why would I believe you now when you tell me to my face that I “never took good care of you.” I haven’t done his fricken laundry over a year. FREEDOM is realizing you’ve been doing laundry a certain way for over 20 years and then one day you say, “Nope! I’m going back to doing it the way I want to.” This laundry “thing” is crazy and real. All Laundry Chumps unite and say, “Do it yourself, you Perfect Laundry Cheater!”

      • Dear Martha
        I sat back in my chair reading abt your cheater- asking u to “rotate” the shirts. Mine did the exact same thing!
        He was too lazy to ever hang his clothes up,but had to criticise me , all the time!

        • Desdemona, I’m amazed all the people who had spouses that criticized them about the laundry. I can look back and see how crazy and controlling the behavior was. But at the time, I just wanted to make him happy and be a good wife, so I tried my best to do his laundry the “right” way.

          • Omg! Me too. My ex also told me I folded his shirts wrong. Wtf. Be glad your shirts get folded! This pissed me off so much because there was nothing wrong with my way of folding. But he had to continuously show me the ‘right’ way. What made him the laundry expert??? And why was it sooooooo important? He also showed me how to properly shake his clothes before hanging them up to dry. After a while I stopped doing his laundry at all. That didn’t help things. . I bet THAT’S why he cheated! Lol. Now I’m just glad he found a nice submissive woman who will do everything his way and just loves his controlling ways! Suckers 🙂

    • For me… it was leaving empty toilet paper rolls. It was a sign of my (and our two young girls’) deep disrespect for him…. this was the first reason given for his cheating… seriously…

      • He felt disrespected over empty tp rolls? This goes to show you that they will look for ANYTHING to justify their cheating.

    • Holy shit, my cheater told me one of the reasons why he was so unhappy was the one time I didn’t finish the laundry on time before a trip! I thought that was just an easy excuse that he clung to. I didn’t realize this was a running theme for cheaters everywhere. Wow.

    • Hahahahaaa, the laundry issue! !! He NEVER did his own clothes, even when he was unemployed (which was A LOT), I always did his laundry, and had to be done a “certain” way… in fact, on my DDay, what was I doing???? Yep, you guessed it, HIS laundry!!!!!

  • Dear Jesus Cheater,
    remember to read the word and pray daily,
    to ensure you don’t stick your dick where it doesn’t belong.

    and remember we have hope for you. (big winkie smiley face with big thumbs up)

    • Dear Jesus Cheater (who was marrried to UNM)

      If you get confused about the proper course of action and go to Church to pray and ask God for guidance, if you get overwrought and start to cry, that is NOT God’s way of telling you that its OK to fuck Susan and betray your family.

      • My Jesus Cheater did the same thing. Went up to the altar multiple times and “seeked God’s face” and got annointed with oil to see if we should get a divorce.

        • He decided that me and the kids were SUCH good Catholics that we were his gift to the Church, he could essentially set us on the altar and set his sights on converting Susan since she was Buddhist. Yea, Catholic marriage vows say to do that.

          His behavior influenced his son to leave the Church and abandon his child (“i cant stay with you, what if I cheat like my dad”<—literally spoken to my grandsons mother). His other son joined an anarchist commune and changed his name to a fruit (not kidding). Our only daughter is 20 and has never had a date.

          So much for "The kids will be FINE!"

          • 🙁 Yeah, “the kids will be fine.” My STBXH wrote something similar in the Divorce Letter. Yeah, let’s see about that.

          • Unicorn no more, my ex had a cheater dad and said a lot of stuff like that to me. But yet, who did his mom blame for the affair? Me. And his abandonment. When I told we’d been abandoned, she got so angry with me and said “I disagree with that!!”

            • Yeah, Kay same here…his dad has cheated on his step-mom for years off and on, and their son is a proven, bonafide liar, thief, and cheater, but ^I* was the rotten spouse!!!!? ??

  • “Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and NEVER REGRET anything that made you smile.” (Cheater Philosophy: Because no one and nothing else matters except ME and MY own happiness!!!)

  • “Luv isn’t something you find, it is something that finds you. And if you don’t leave your wife, Luv will find you and set you on fire.”

    “You can’t blame gravity for falling in luv. But you can blame your wife.”

    “When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, troll dive bars for married men.”

    • That third one, for the win. Although in my case it would have something more to do with junior coworkers or online sex.

      • Me too, Lucky. Maybe we could change it to “When it’s dark, troll the copy room for married co-workers.”

    • and if the selfie is sexy enough, send it to your AP, but not your spouse – better yet, have your spouse TAKE the pic!

      seriously, i took so many pics of my cheater that i discovered later were quickly sent off to the AP with some sickening caption – how’s that for being a chump?

      • Jeez, i thought i was the only one !!! Imwould take hismpic and ask for him to send it to me, he never did, later found out he was sending them to his OWhores

        • The exact same thing happened to me – he had me hopping out of the car taking pictures of all of our favorite places, even of my best friend and her husband(!), so that he could send them to the OW and share all the things he cared about with her. I, of course, had no clue that I had been replaced with a new soulmate. I thought he was memorializing our sweet memories and favorite scenes.

          He was simply cannibalizing my life to impress her, and with my uninformed assistance. So glad I could be of use to facilitate your new romance, yeah.

  • From Dorothy Parker:

    “The screwing you’re getting is not worth the screwing you’re getting.”

    • More from Dorothy Parker for the cheater couple: “Their pooled emotions wouldn’t fit a teaspoon”.

  • I wanna do
    What I Wanna Do

    Direct quote from my cheater as he was leaving me and our newborn and toddler.

  • pros and cons lists (like when comparing insurance)

    hard day at work — get a blow job
    wife wants you home early — get a blow job and surf porn on phone in car (be late)
    wife suspects your cheating— get a blow job
    wife insist you have sex — get up complaining that you are now to hot to sleep and go surf porn for comfort
    money issues —- get a blow job
    loose job — get blow job, surf porn, arrange hookups, go for dinner with potential affair partner claim you have a committee meeting
    wife refuses to sign bridging lone for you to by the house of your dreams — get blow job
    loose job again– get blow job, surf porn, turn jobs down, apply to be your wife boss, and eventually take low paying job..

    and all I hear from my Ex is an aussie song

    “what about me? it isn’t fair! I’ve had enough now I want my share. Can’t you see, I want to live but you just take more than you give. What about me? (Sad face)

    • OMG @Thankful! !!! I’m such an 80’s girl, I actually remember that song!!! It was one of my favorites!!!! LOL now i will think of my ex- when I hear it!!!!

  • Hey Dude, don’t take it bad
    Keep your sad song, I’m just your cast off
    Remember you let her into your heart
    Now I can start to sue your ass off

  • Lie like everyone is listening,
    screw around like you don’t care who gets hurt,
    put it on Facebook like everyone is watching,
    and eat cake like it’s heaven on earth.

  • Original:

    Nothing binds you except your thoughts
    Nothing limits you except you fears
    And Nothing Controls you except your beliefs

    Marianne Williamson

    Cheater Version:

    Nothing binds you when you eliminate annoying boundaries
    Nothing limits you if betraying your spouse is no big deal
    Nothing controls you when you embrace your entitlement to cake

    Adapted

  • “Feel Alive! Fuck a stranger!” superimposed over an out of focus photo of a hotel room bed with clothes draped over the end…

    or…

    “You’re not broken if someone wants to fuck you!” across a close-up picture of a dainty porcelain teacup with a hairline fracture…

    or maybe

    “What they don’t know can’t hurt them… What can hurt them can probably be treated with antibiotics…” on a closeup photo of a half-empty glass of water and a torn Azithromycin packet.

    • Yes! This is exactly what my STBX is saying – to everyone – with his AP. Actually, he is looking so much older these days. Leading a double life will do that to you.

  • Out there, beyond character, beyond boundaries, your true self awaits. What are you waiting for?

  • love is….never having to hear what a sorry a…hole you are!

    i wanted to use “Eat, Pray, Cheat”—-but that one is too easy

  • “I only have one life on this earth and I deserve to be happy!”*

    [*Add.: So long as you continue paying for my mortgage, my insurance, my mobile bill, my retirement savings, my car payments, the utilities, and food for the family. Also, I need to pick apart every minuscule thing you do as a personal affront to my delicate sensitivities. That way I am truly free to explore my happiness with other philandering (and yet still quite considerate) BDSM fuckbuddies I find on fuckbook.]

  • This is such a fun challenge CL, and thanks CN for all the great quotes, I’ve LMAO this morning :)!

  • This is SUCH welcome thread today. You are all hilarious.

    These are not original to me but they made me laugh.

    I’d love to kill you with kindness but all I have is this saw.

    I’m not saying I hate you. I am saying if you get hit by a bus, I’m driving that bus.

    If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.

    Your haters are all in your head. No one wants to be you. I promise.

    Did you know that “narcissist” spelled backwards is “asshole.” Hey, if they can make shit up, so can we.

    You’re just not my cup of tea because I don’t like big chunks of shit in my tea.

    I’ll always cherish the initial misconception I had of you.

    I’m so glad you found someone who will settle for someone like you.

    Deja Poo: the feeling you’ve heard this crap before.

    • I’m sure I’ve told you guys this, but around two years after our divorce finalized, totally out of the blue I got a text message from my ex saying that he “should have added LOL to the end of his wedding vows.” Ouch. I gotta admit, that stung.

      • Interesting that it was two years and he still wants to hurt you. That seems obsessive and alarming (and a fireworks display of asshole-ish behavior).

        Don’t forget the charm, pity, rage cycle – he’s raging (about something? who cares) and striking out at anything, landing on you. Are you NC?

        • Believe me, he was sending very hurtful stuff for a lot longer than that, despite the fact that I never responded. I now have him blocked on my phone, email and Facebook. He actually sent me something via snail mail recently, so yes, his interest in hurting me seems a bit obsessive.

  • While following your bliss make sure to run over the ones who trusted you the most and the universe will laugh at your narcissistic bullshit.” – Chump Campbell

  • Leaving you all here today, with a dedication to Frank and all you other cheaters out there:

    “I did it MY WAY”

  • Ass, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enter-thighs. His 5-year mission: to explore Strange, to seek out a new wife and constant masturbations, to boldly blow where his ho-fan has blown before…

  • Seriously, a suggested invite of my ex on LinkedIn came up showing my ex looking old, fat and gray (and like he’s been drinking waaaaay too much) with a tag line he apparently includes on his page of: “Life is Short. Play Hard!!” Anyone who knows my story has to laugh at that one. So let me offer:

    “Life is short……(and so is my dick)….but I will still play hard with my group sex partners thanks to Viagra…..”

  • I don’t always cheat on my wife; but when I do, I make sure they are young girls who believe my lies

  • Oh yuck. I just looked some things about the author of this list and don’t like the sound of her behavior in her marriage (which led to her making a list like this…)

    “I see Narc people.
    Narc people, like in zoos?
    Walking around like regular people” from ‘The Sixth Sense.’

    I need a Seventh Sense: a bullshit detector. Isn’t anyone safe? A chump on this site was getting trolled HERE by the OW. I read an articulate essay describing Trump in terms of narcissistic behavior disorder (citing his phoning journalists pretending to be an admirer of Trump then blowing smoke up their asses), and the excesses of…well, just about everybody everywhere. It’s disheartening. I’m trying to stay positive. Your jokes are killing it. Thank you so much.

  • Multiple submissions:

    Don’t cry over spilled secrets.
    A chat a day keeps the meh away.
    A fool and his ho-ney are soon parted.
    A cheater cannot change his Thots
    (Thots is slang for “those hoes over there” and is also used as verb/noun for whorish behavior.)

    The road to hell is paved with mindfuckery.
    There’s no place like pussy…anyone’s pussy.
    Two holes are better than one.

  • Craigslist ad promotions:

    Can you fuck me now?

    Just Fuck It.

    Because I’m Worth it.

    Got hole?

    Betcha’ can’t fuck just one!

  • A true man is true to his nature. He’d be cheating on himself if he didn’t cheat on you.

    No joke, someone ACTUALLY said that to me.

  • Twas the night before DDay and all through the house
    Someone was searching, my husband, that louse!
    Her stockings were under our bed where he kicked ‘em.
    Was he always this much of a douche since I picked him?

  • With apologies to Ronald McDonald….
    Two great big titties,
    KY “sauce,esn”
    STDs,
    And whatever else might fit in her buns!

  • My cheater father once said he lived by the DAD theory: deny everything; admit nothing; demand evidence. You can imagine he was real “excited” about the evidence mom presented during the divorce.

  • A little OT but how about one for us Chumps . . . one of my favorite John Prine songs comes to mind, “Yes I Guess They Oughta Name a Drink After You.” Wait, they already have:

    Screwdriver
    Sex on the Beach
    Between the Sheets
    Flirtini
    Harvey Wallbanger (Harvey Slutbanger)
    Sidecar (Sidepiece)

    Some of the lesser known but equally apt cheater drinks (sorry, couldn’t help doing a little research):

    Orgasm
    Screaming Orgasm
    Blow Job
    Buttery Nipple
    Redheaded Slut
    Savoy Affair
    Hanky-Panky
    Joker
    The Last Word
    Bushwacker
    Flaming Dr. Pepper (for those of us with disordered freaks of the closeted variety)
    Snakebite
    Zombie
    Link Up
    Bull Shot
    Rose Kennedy Cocktail (perfect for the Chump waiting at home)
    Woo Woo
    Cheeky Vimto (Cheeky Bimbo)
    Buck’s Fizz (no comment)
    Duck Fart
    Stinger
    Skittle Bomb (Kibble Bomb)

  • This is a topic very dear to my heart. The OW is a new age hippie freak who fancies herself an artist and spends her spare time “imbuing” chicken eggs with good thoughts, writing the good thoughts on the outside of the eggs, and selling them at roadside stands. (Him: “How could you think I wanted to leave you for her?” Newsflash, I didn’t, but that you had any interest in her at all is appalling to me.)

    She also does really execrable scrapbook style collage of her favorite new age sayings on wooden boards. The one she sent to us after D-Day, while they were still selling me on their “just friends-style soulmates” bullshit was “Trust” and then later, after I called them on their shenanigans, she made one called “Fuck shame.” Because you see, it wasn’t the crap they were pulling that was the problem. It was that I wanted them to feel ashamed about it.

    He wanted to hang it up in his office. I said, “Sure, advertise your shameless behavior.”

  • This one is actually a song, dedicated to all the cheaters like Claire, from yesterday ( or the day before, I can’t remember) who think they have found their soul mate schmooopie, tru luv, etc. cause they know SO MUCH about the other person, certainly more than the person who has lived with them for years, or even decades. I mean, it must be true because they TOLD you it was true. And, yes, they are showing their true selves during the Walmart parking lot Suck/Fuck Fest.

    “Whole Lotta FAKING Going On”

  • I didn’t have a Jesus-cheater, but I’ve always liked:

    “Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.”

  • My all time favorite, said numerous times to explain how his dick just haphazardly fell into her vagina: “we just fell in love”. uhhh, well he fell into something….

    • Mine said (after months of lies and betrayal) “I wont apologize for falling in love” <—a low point in my life

  • Carpe Diem (Seize the Day)

    to

    Carpe Penis

    Penis is already a Latin word so no translation needed

  • When life gives you bar sluts, go ahead and fuck ’em!
    When life gives you STDs, spread them around!

  • Ogden Nash:

    To keep your marriage brimming
    With love in the loving cup,
    Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
    Whenever you’re right, shut up.

    My version:
    To keep your affair brimming
    With lust in the loving cup
    Keep your wife in the dark and forget her
    And your mistress, you happily fuck.

  • this one is for chumps, saw this online somewhere:

    Sometimes when one door closes…
    you want to grab a hammer and nails and hammer that fucker shut.

    • Dang, embedded that wrong. His quote: “None of us know what might happen next.” (This was specifically in response to whether he intended to pursue a relationship with the OW.)

  • This is a timely column. My CheaterP passed away 8 years after he betrayed me and had come up with lots of memorable lines…but this week I ran into a work colleague of my late husband, who I do not really know much about, except he is about my age, had grown children and his wife was said to have interests that I share. The conversation was casual and it came out that this Very Attractive man was divorced…I immediately said, ‘Oh, I am so sorry.’ to which he responded “oh, its O.K., people grow apart, you know.” I just took it all in, and my intuition kicked in. ‘ Hmmm’ said intuition, that sounds way better than: ‘My wife grew apart from me when I lodged a younger, nubile co-worker in between, us, which created some distance between me and the wife of 30 years.’ Yeah, I know, I should give him the benefit of the doubt, but when the little bell rings and tells me something isn’t quite right, I always regret it.

    • Yesterday, the former wife of my late husbands best friend from work messaged me on FB. She saw my wedding photos online and congratulated me. She was polite about her former spouse but I railed on deadcheater and she then told me that her x was a narccheater and she is still in therapy recovering from him. Im not the least bit surprised…they were 2 peas in a pod. She came from a very old fashioned background and said she ignored his dalliances but not his selfishness and hostility.

  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. … Likewise, You can lead a cheater to a whore at work, but you can’t make him fuck her. He does that all by himself.

  • “I don’t always cheat on my wife, but when I do, I prefer my hoe-workers…..Stay horny my friends”

  • “When an opportunity presents itself, go for it.” You can lie to your wife/husband about it later.

  • While X was “deciding” if he should stay or leave for OW, she posted this little pity party on FaceBook: “You deserve someone who will jump over fences to be with you, not someone who is siting on the fence about being with you.” I don’t think she realized meant:

    I deserve a lying sack of shit, not an honest, faithful man.

  • Seriously, final OWhore is a yoga teacher and posts tons (like hundreds) of this new age shit on my STBX husband and her “business” Facebook page, about Karma, and Mindfulness and blabla glitter peace love happyness shit. How can you be spiritual if you help destroy families??? I was pregnant while they started it all, for fuckssake??

    This was the meme I had made a while back.

    Damn such sick fuckers, NEW AGE cheaters are almost worse than JESUS cheaters

    • Same here, Junglechump. I was pregnant while Mr Midlife Crisis and his broken hippie bitches were off finding themselves on spiritual retreats and talking about how they were soulmates (it’s so easy when you do Peruvian vision quest drugs together!) and how “more love” is always good and how they were open hearted and I was jealous and unenlightened! And taking care of the kids at home.

  • “I know that you know that I know that you know.”

    Yes, he actually said that to me several times. It would just come out of his mouth at random times like he was saying a limerick or something. He thought it was ‘cute’; it supposedly was something he and his kids said back and forth to each other many years before.

    Unfortunately it didn’t take me much time to realize that it was predicting the future.

    We can all guess what it is that he knew that I knew.

    ‘It was all a game. To see what I could get away with’ was his heart ripping ‘explanation’ as to why he sought a harem.

    Anyone wonder why I call him POP–Predatory Opportunistic Parasite?

    • When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut!

  • Keep your friends close and your fuckbuddies closer.

    Don’t put off till tomorrow who you can do today.

  • “I need to be my most vibrant self” – following 2 years + of lying, fucking OW, gaslighting, emotional abuse

  • “I don’t think we’ll ever be able to have an honest conversation” – i.e: I lie to people.

  • “Over the last 18 months (with the OW) my sense of self has emerged in new and vibrant ways.” e.g.: like lying, leading a double life, cheating, emotional and psychological abuse, blame-shifting, warping reality etc. You know, the usual.

    • OW/OM are whacked. Just because they are cheating with each other doesn’t change the fact that they are dating a lying, cheating whore. Nobody in their right mind voluntarily does that. Do they?

      • Nice people dont fuck other peoples spouses. But they’re kibble junkies and buy into the cheaters “sad sausage story.”

        Mine had been telling the OW how “miserable” he was in our marriage but oh…funny that, never once mentioned anything to me. Even when directly asked. People believe what they want for their own purposes.

        • >>>>>Mine had been telling the OW {as well as anyone else he thought would side with him} how “miserable” he was in our marriage but oh…funny that, never once mentioned anything to me. Even when directly asked. People believe what they want for their own purposes.<<<<<<<

          ^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^

          He sucks, truly, madly, deeply sucks!!!!

  • “First time tight, second time yokey-dokey.” Direct quote from XH, who said he heard it from a former supervisor, decades ago, when he actually had a job.