New Age Cheaterisms
Several of you suggested this contest in the comments this week — take a popular New Age-y aphorism like “Live, Love, Laugh” and rewrite it for cheater sensibilities –“Lie, Luv, Litigate.”
Cheaters seem well-versed in philosophy — the kind of Pinterest-board deep thoughts that can only be expressed by a sunset meme or a basket of kittens.
So what’s your cheater goop speak of the week?
If you see some judgement, set it free?
Keep Calm and Hide Your Phone?
You Light Up My… Polygraph?
Please share yours!
In the midst of movement and chaos, no need to keep it in your pants.
Don’t get mad, Darling, get EVERYTHING! I believe Ivana Trump said that?
When in doubt, whip it out
HAHAHA…love this one!
Whip it. Whip it good.
Hahahahahaha!
Omg lol !!!
Calm. Lmfao! Love it!!!
Luving it
Ha, Ha, Ha!!!
“If it itches, scratch it. If it REALLY itches, get STD tested!”
Yep! This!
She felt broken.
So she fucked her co-worker to make her feel whole again.
Insert obligatory picture of jubilant woman in a field of flowers.
Nice London, I think you hacked my wife’s Pinterest page.
Ah yes, the old “I’m broken so it’s okay to destroy you with my selfish actions” excuse. My favorite line was, “we’re both broken so we were drawn to each other.” So…because the two of you are fucked up you thought you’d fuck up a bunch of other innocent people in the process??
That sounds like my ex. The “it is all me and she and I are broken and need each other” garbage. What a waste of 10 years of my life with him… 🙁
“we’re both broken so we were drawn to each other.”
Thank you for bringing back this classic. My XW trotted every single line from the Cheater Script I’d forgotten it. She loved the Royal “we.” WE were broken? Speak for yourself, Your Majesty. Only one of us was admitted to a psych ward prior to our relationship, and I’ll give you a hint as to who it was: it wasn’t me.
My ex was admitted to the psych ward prior to our relationship as well. He used to cut himself. It was sad.
I personally like the one CL posted a few days ago. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either”
Love it!!!
Love!
Amen, Peaceful Chump 1111. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
I have to sigh and wish I had heard CL’s version of that one when I was growing up. It was my hippie dippy mantra for a lot of things. I got so fucking duped with, “If you love something let it go, and it comes back it is yours and if it doesn’t it never really was.” Cue that stupid butterfly.
So funny! Ex and Skank broke up but are now back together…. True love I’m sure…..,,or both couldn’t find a better offer yet!
Ironically, that was OW’s go-to aphorism every time she and XH had a fight. At the time, she was either texting him or messaging him on Facebook, and he had push notifications on his phone. If he left his phone unattended, I could pick it up and see that “If you love someone…” repeated in multiple messages.
By the way, they’re getting married in 2 weeks and XH’s communication skills are as good as (n)ever. The only reason he parted with his phone in the last 2 years was when they had a fight. He would even leave it locked in his car! This way, he didn’t have to answer her calls or engage with her in any way.
Now that’s true love…..NOT!
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose to hire an attorney.”
Hahahaha. It did for me. 🙂
LOVE!
The truth shall set you free….or just getting rid of the liar works too
LOL
Lie, steal, cheat.
Lie, steal, cheat, repeat
“I am not a whore.”
“I am not a whore.”*
*I prefer to be called slut instead. Thank you.
The Betrayed Partner Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the SERENITY to accept the cheater as someone I cannot change
the COURAGE to change my life because I can, and
the WISDOM to know that no contact and leaving a cheater is the only way to GET A LIFE.
Perfect! Love it! 🙂
Yes, yes, yes !!!!
“What goes around, comes around, and needs to be STD tested” ????
This.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side…..it’s because it’s fertilized with your bullshit.
So funny!
nice
“Time heals all chumps” ?????
Luv Means Never Having To Say “I’m Married”
‘Luv Means Never Having To Say “I’m Married”’ – That is gold, GOOYSACA, absolute gold!
This is gold.
I love you but I’m not in love with you. AKA Sorry I just ripped your intestines out, threw them on the ground, stomped on them and then lit them on fire. Ooops – gotta go. She’s waiting. Good luck with your efforts to neatly reinsert your organs. Oh. And I hope your hair starts growing back and you stop looking like a skeleton. Later.
I love you but….is the cheater’s mantra. See, I’m not a bad person because I do “love you” just not you know, the way I promised I would when I married you, bought a house together, had a child……
This…so, so accurate.
Hahahaha. Love it.
Search, Smother, Shame, Slaughter
Desire, Dominate, Destroy, Discard
A cheater will be cheated on with those they cheated with.
“After all, tomorrow is another…lay”
Hahahahaha!
LMAO!
I feel nourished by all this cake.
And from Ben Franklin – needing no changes.to describe our cheaters……………
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else
Although I believe Ben Franklin was a huge cheater… our national symbol should have been a turkey as he wanted.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff”, and BABY, all they got is smaaalll “stufff”. At least in my experience. Very small. Almost non existant.
My ex was always concerned he was too small, because an ex-girlfriend told him he was. I actually thought he was fine and never would have hit below the belt like his ex-girlfriend did. Though it was tempting to talk smack to him after the cruel things he said to me.
Amen!!! Lol
Oh, so sadly, this is not true. That part of him is one that I miss most of all. 🙁
Just follow your dick and the truth will manifest
Good one!
Cheat,prey,hump.
LMAO! Good one!
“No amount of planning can ever replace Dumb Fucks”
“Lawyer UP!!” (instead of “Cowboy UP” for you non-horse people….)
This is fun. Thank you, CL and fellow Chumps….
Love the one you’re with.
Ugh! Horrible 70s tripe. My mother said that when my father left her, the song “Philadelphia Freedom” was popular and she hated it.
YOLO!! as in You Only Litegate Once! If you learn your lesson that is.!
And on the heels of that
A chump needs a cheater like a fish needs a bicycle.
YOLO YOLO YOLO
The genitals want what the genitals want.
The genitals want…gonorrhea, chlamydia, trichomoniasis…
At least that’s where these “you only live once” cheaters are headed if they keep going like Energizer Bunnies.
Seriously, i read this as : The genitals wart what the genitals wart.
me too
Hey — me too! 🙂
This – done in cross stitch and framed – like an old colonial sampler
” D-Day is the first day of the rest of your life”…..
Actually I refer to it as “the worst day of the rest of my life.”
Nowhere to go but up. And happier every day to leave the past behind.
I love that!
AWESOME!!
Brilliant
” What’s LUV got to do with it, to do with this?”
I’m available enough, I’m dishonest enough, and, doggone it, people f*** me.
LOVE it!!!
Amiisfree: hahahaha
I want to print this and post it in the sanctuary of the New Thought church where I met STBX and which kicked me out after D-day because “my anger was bring STBX down.”
I see you. I hear you. I fuck others secretly.
Namaste.
Love this
LIKE LIKE LIKE
lol 🙂 Gary Smally
Ok, I actually snorted on that one, Stuart Smalley!
🙂
Not sure of the exact wording, but it would need to show a picture of sushi or possibly some current teenager terminology cause ex and whore were both 40s/50s year old teenagers who just LOVED SUSHI. I know, a pic of Molly Ringwald from the 80s in The Breakfast Club with her little sushi lunch.
Lol, thanks, Tempest!
Lie
Cheat
Lie about Cheating
Yep. He sure did.
Where your penis goes, your life follows……………………………..(orig: where your mind goes, your life follows)
or
Change your affair partner and you’ll change your family’s world……………….(orig: change your thoughts and you’ll change your world)
If you do who you’ve always done, you won’t catch what you’ve never caught (thereby giving it to who you’ve always done, ya skeevy bastard.)
In my head I hear that with a Scottish accent “ya skeevy bastarrrd!”
And from Shakespeare :
Be that thou knowest thy cheater as greatest as thou fearest.
DON’T Let them eat cake!
I love this one! Very haughty.
When in doubt
It’s all your fault I cheated
“Porn shucking”…”Porn on the cob”….”Creamed Porn”…..”Porn maze”…..”Porny jokes”…..”Pornflakes”…..
Oh, I made a “serial” joke!!
Dianne, you made me crack up on the bus! I feel like I need to share this with 40 people now!
Memory this word brings up:
While he was a selfish monster who had just been outed as cheating, while he was pondering which woman to choose, he (likely trying to encourage a new turn in the “pick me dance”) says to me “What men really crave is to be admired”…to which I responded “the first step in being admired is to do something admirable”.
He could have left the marriage more admirably if he had acted with decency and integrity, but those things are hard.
Standing ovation!!!! Same here, unicornnomore!!!
ROFL Rumblekitty!! 🙂
Alright! It worked!
Trust nothing cheater says, you will be happy
File for everything, you will be happier
Go NO CONTACT, you will be happiest
Oh I really like this. Facebook or Pinterest ready, I’d say. Thanks for the laugh.
You are never given a fantasy without being given the power to make it come true. You may have to f*** a Smorgasbord of strange to get it, however.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff like lying cheating and stealing–ya right! “
From that place on you to that place on me which, when your place is in my place, we are one sleazy mess.
You are never too old to set another goal or have another affair
And the old one: “You will know them by the height of their lies”
or by the dead snake look of their eyes 🙂
Ah, yes. The Dead Snake Look. If only I had know what it was when I was younger. Now I see it everywhere: My new boss. I mean former boss as I quit as soon as I was onto her. My contractor on our remodel. We are wrapping up with him today and not hiring him to do any further projects. That look, combined with one act of selfishness or not doing what they say they are going to do no matter how petty, is a sure sign of more to come.
I never saw it as dead snake eyes, although it was reptilian. That look always reminded me of the plotting secret hatred I’d once seen in a 6yo girl. Scary in a girl child, scarier in a grown man. But also kind of funny.
While wreckonciling I tried to explain to cheater how I could tell he was being dishonest by that look… he of course disagreed that the look exists, or that i would ever be able to tell if he wasn’t telling me something… Frankly I’m glad he never caught on that the deadeyes are real. It’s nice now having that weather vane available when discussing finances, child rearing, etc…
MDG, you are on to something. I call it lizard brain and one act of selfishness, paint my butt blue, I am gone.
I needed this laugh today. Thank you fellow Chumps!
Be Good
And if you can’t be Good, be Careful……..not to let your spouse find out
Oh yeah
that is a phase my cheater used to tell my kids. I always thought it was a reference to STDs but in his cheater brain that probably was what it was and if you cant be good, be careful not to get caught.
“It is what it is”, ugh.
Mine said the same thing until I changed it to, “It is what it is, but it becomes what I make it….now get the fuck out!”
Wow Lucky. I thought my cheater only used that one!!
It’s a shame that you aren’t evolved enough to understand….I can love two (or more) women at once. If you’d only let go of your Puritanical ideals, you’d be much happier in our marriage.
My ex seriously said this to me:
“Becoming one’s authentic self comes at an exorbitant price, but it’s worth it, at any price.”
My therapist had a gag reflex when I told her that one.
This was three months ago when I wouldn’t agree to an open marriage, so he moved out, excited to get on with his new post-Burning Man life of bisexual S&M, augmented by sexfinder.com hook ups with strangers.
Now he is already complaining about having to live in his parents’ basement and how hard he has to work now to pay his own bills. Sad, sad 40 year old sausage.
When I pointed out that he had made his bed and now he is lying in it, he looked completely taken aback. He retorted,”We both made decisions!”
Right, ass wipe, you gave me a “choice” between a divorce and a lifetime of shit sandwiches, and I decided to choose door number 1. Move along, loser.
Translation: If you only let go of your puritanical ideas, “I” would be much happier.
Reality: If you only let go of me and this marriage, YOU will be much happier.
Oh, this is familiar. Except the ex in my case said that if my parents hadn’t gotten divorced when I was young and created lifelong insecurity in me, then I would be able to love freely like he does. In other words, I couldn’t accept his cheating because I was psychologically damaged.
Oh my. This is the first time I’m encountered that argument here. I thought that might be the one original piece of bullshit he came up with. Now there’s nothing left. He’s just completely textbook. He went further to say his family was healthier because his parents had stayed together even though his Dad was a cheater. In his mind it as divorce that does damage, not the cheating, lying, and abandonment of his father. Nope, no disfunction there (that was sarcasm.)
yes, mine said that because I had an alcoholic mom & a bad childhood. I would never have as much in common with him as Susan of Seattle does…you see she and him had good childhoods so they had a deep connection.
Yep, got that too. My FOO had “damaged” me to the point where I couldn’t accept “real” love. I was the broken one, which is why he had to have side sluts.
Deep
A “tru love” story never ends……. neither will your spouse’s affair
He: “True love doesn’t fit in a box. There are many boxes all existing at the same time.”
Me: “I’m taking my empty box and going home.”
Love it!
I guess Pandora’s box is sparkly and smells like sunshine and roses. For now….. go ahead and Tiptoe through her Tulips. Asshole.
V-V-V – well now, I’ve finally heard somebody else repeat what the X said. He can love a lot of different people at the same time. I’m like – huh? WTF? Not with me around. And, he wasn’t talking about his mother.
Said by XW during sham marriage counseling (while having the affair in my face):
“OM and I have an adult relationship. He told me we will both swim in the ocean of our relationship, side by side, but swimming individually. When I get tired, he will tread water and hold me; and then we will continue our swim, separate but together.”
Vomit. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I divorced her and they are now drowning in debt and unemployment and treading the waters of their own shittiness.
Her Cheater-Script Marital Rewrite was her premise: I was too controlling. Except I wasn’t: I told her to quite her job, I’d work more, take a year off, travel with some girlfriends while I stayed home with our two babies, sure, we can buy this house even though we can’t afford it because it will bring you happiness… just on and on.
Oh, wait! Yes, I was controlling that one time when I told her to stop having an affair, destroying me and our family, or I would divorce her. Stupid controlling husband-me.
I’m controlling, too. I’m so controlling for telling the Cheater that it hurt me when he sees women behind my back. Entitled piece of crap! Your Cheater is typical with the Word Salad they come up with!
David, how did you keep from cracking up and laughing when she said that bullshit? Good lord, she sounds like a cheap harlequin story with legs! I would have laughed till I cried.
In hindsight, four years later, I can laugh at the utter absurdity of it. At the time I was in deep pain and shock–just devastated that she would continue, remorselessly, to bring pain to me and our children, and so desperate to hold the family together that I actually half-believed what she was saying. As with so many other stories, my spouse had become a stranger. It was a nightmare from which I finally found the strength to extricate myself.
I understand that profound desperation, panic, grief. So sorry you had to endure that. Glad you found the strength.
I understand it, too. When I look back in surprise at what I put up with in the horrid months right after D Day, whilst he was pretending to have “chosen me”. It’s humiliating. Then I remember that “profound desperation, panic, grief”. I was truly out of my head with it all.
I’m sorry you had to go through it. Glad you’re on the other side now.
David these are fuckwits !
David – how did you keep from hurling on the MC’s carpet? Sounds like she deserves the freak. How much you want to bet this strap-on has a Yanni playlist?
Eventually (a session or two later; I don’t recall) even the MC had had enough and told her, annoyed: “Maybe if you stopped having an affair and turned your attention to your family, you wouldn’t be so unhappy?”
At which XW stood up, enraged, and said “I don’t have to take this,” and stormed out. No, you can’t make this shit up.
Utterly right David, you can’t make this shit up. Our MC suggested exasshole might consider testing for Bipolar Disorder, he was reasonable and calm in her office, saying that was a serious diagnosis and was appalled she would say such a thing. When we got to the car he went into a full on rage, I was driving and just kept telling him ‘of course you are not BPD’, it’s OK, relax… it took a while for me to see the humor in this because he was scary as shit. I’m sure ya’ll see the irony of his raging out of control because a therapist suggested he might have BPD…
Therapy only works if the person sincerely wants to work on themselves and their life-coping skills. Mine decided that yes, he did have problem and sought help on his own but once the therapist got too deep into the real issues he bailed. Of course, it didn’t help that by then another “love of his life” appeared on the scene and was able to distract him with “you’re a good person, your wife is the crazy one” so he didn’t have to deal with reality anymore.
HA! HA!! HA!!!! That is hilarious!!!!!!!!!
Oh, god. Apologies to Kahlil Gibran, but I can’t stand his poem “Marriage” anymore.
“But let there be spaces in your togetherness … [during which you can chase other people and then pretend later like you thought this would be okay with your spouse, so no need to tell her]”
David, your X’s quote reminds me of that movie, Open Water.
The one where a couple goes scuba diving on their vacation, misses their boat back, treads water together…..holding each other up physically and mentally, until they exhaust themselves and realize no one will save them from their decision to NOT FOLLOW THE RULES (be back at the meet up at the specified time) and then they are eaten by the nurse sharks.
Waa! THIS TOO. What a great rejoinder, ANC. I *hated* that movie!
You can’t make this stuff up, can you? So sorry for your pain, David. Cruel, disordered cheater. Glad you swam away from that shark.
He was telling her he’s still going to bang other people.. aka ‘side by side but individually’. ‘Separate, but together’.. so much bullshit it takes a few seconds to decipher it.
Waa, THIS.
somewhere, someone else is sick of his shit too
Yes!