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A Chump Coming Out Party?

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partyHere’s an intriguing idea from “Chump XX.”

Dear Chump Lady,

I think we need a party. While I’m going through all the post D-Day scramble to adjust to this new reality, talking to lawyers, and keeping it all fairly discreet until all the legal mumbo jumbo is done, I’m still having to put on my happy face and attend (or at least send gifts) to baby showers, baby reveal parties, bridal showers/wedding showers, birthday parties, family events, etc.

…and I know there are some who do celebrations of their conscious uncoupling, but that’s not really the situation most of us chumps are in. I also know some celebrate when a divorce is final.

Me? I think we need a party to boost our spirits WHILE we’re going through the Hell …or at least when we reach some kind of benchmark like a legal agreement. …make our own “announcement” party just for us chumps.

Whaddaya think?

You are cordially invited to the announcement party to celebrate the end of Chumpdom for XX and to acknowledge the ongoing new life XY chooses to pursue as a known Fucktard.

Gifts for XX are certainly welcome in any form of chocolate or sweet decadence, and of course, a tip jar will be available at the door to help fund Chump XX’s legal bills.

XX is registered at Amazon.com (for mountains of self-help books like Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life, F*ck Feelings, and even more decadent chocolates with quick ship options), the closest local bar, the local counseling center, and of course, a PayPal account is available for donations if you prefer digital donations rather than using the tip jar.

Consider the party pot luck since XX has no desire to actually cook as she begins to exit this fog of fuckedupedness.

Dartboards with photos, a photo-realistic pin the tail/tale on the “donkey,” a special version of “straight up the ole corn hole,” and voodoo dolls for the crafty attendees will all be available for cathartic fun and games. (No Hefty bags or shovels required.)

Please RSVP so Chump XX can know right away who her true friends are and which are choosing to be Switzerland.

Why not? If we, the chumps have to suck it up and put on our happy faces for all those other parties and events, why not revel in our own? What say ye? What other chump celebrations can we plan to dump the funk and turn it up?

Sincerely,

Chump XX

I like it! However being a chump, I would be loathe to have a tip jar or register for gifts. (Needs? Wants? Me?) But I do like the idea of ritual to celebrate this life journey — a coming out party of sorts.

People are usually split on the idea of divorce parties, it can often be a grim, exhausting time and who wants to celebrate? And is it a weird form of kibbles to your ex? Would “meh” and non-acknowledgment be the better path?

On the other hand, you’ve just survived a liberation struggle. These battles can take years to slog through — WTF, Virginia, with a year and a day before you can even FILE? Independence Days should be celebrated with grilled meats and fireworks! (I shot fireworks off the roof of a coffeehouse with a few friends after my first divorce. And then a blues singer sung to me: “I’m Sitting On Top of the World.” Good times.)

Today’s Fun Friday challenge is to consider the what kind of Chump Coming Out Party you would have, or have had, or wish existed.

Just remember — no clowns. We divorced them.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Don’t discount those hefty bags! They’re excellent for removing the things cheaters leave behind.
    I had a few friends over to help me clean up and remove the items Narkles the Clown left at my house when he moved out. Bottles of wine were brought as offerings by my friends who laughed with me for a few hours at the amazing amount of crap Narkles had purchased over the years that he just didn’t have room for at his new place. It was cathartically, showed me people cared, and helped me transition from living with a hoarding, disordered, mess to a clean, tidy, orderly, cheater free life. We surmised that many items were given to him by prior AP’s that chumpy old me never knew about. I’ll take the tax break from my local charity, thanks. So I say party up and enjoy the company of your friends. I hope you enjoy your new cheater free life as much as I enjoy mine.

    • Hefty Bags were my savior at key times…nothing removes toxic ex possessions like a Hefty TM!

      “Narkles the Clown”. You win.

      • Yes, it was kind of therapeutic grabbing the large plastic Hefty bags and emptying out her closet and stacking them in the garage (should have been outside for the raccoons but I hadn’t found this site yet)..and telling her she had a week to pick the shit up or it was going to Goodwill.

        • I energetically (if not enthusiastically) used up my supply of heavy duty black bags to get Cheater’s crap out of the house. Some got delivered to his office reception desk (just the real crappy stuff) while his good possessions (also in black bags) went into the bin for orphans down at the supermarket. OW later scolded me by email for “being mean”. I didn’t get mad about her saying that…I just made her promise she wouldn’t send him back! Best house cleanoit I ever did….and it sure added a bonus to d-day that I quite enjoyed.

  • It’s 2 years legal separation before you can get a divorce in my country. now THAT deserves a party!

    • Wow. In the two years preceding ex’s little reveal, plus the six month waiting period in CA, plus the two years it took me to wade through ex’s drama,my joke of a lawyer,and that “small good ol’ boy courthouse” to divorce that fucker, Cheater had well and truly destroyed everything I had worked for. Twenty eight years. After walking out on our mortgage, Fuckface just purchased himself a new house…because that is what the disordered do! What a legacy…. So much needs to change. Courts, and judges, IMHO, should recognize that financial infidelity goes hand in hand with Cheating on your spouse (and take strict steps to prevent dissipation of assets. Every court should solicit full, truthful, financial disclosure from all parties concerned in a dissolution, and should recognize that kids still need two incomes to support them). Walk out on me, fuck your racquetball partner, but don’t fuck over your kids and leave me ruined financially. Still pisses me off. ?

  • I’m not sure about a party, but I am definitely in the “you need to tell everyone about your ex’s nasty cheating ass” camp. It serves so many purposes and makes your life easier, I think.

    Just don’t be ashamed of anything. It’s not your fault the ex is a dickwad. Don’t let anyone try to tell you did anything wrong, regarding the adultery. It’s ALL on the nasty cheaters, ALWAYS!!

  • One thing I’ve found, too: People can only use “secrets” against you as long as they’re still secrets. People whispering behind your back about shit get off on thinking whatever they “know” will come out and hurt you. Once it’s out in the open, they just don’t have anything left to say….

  • I’m with Anita.. I tell the truth and he does not deserve my protection. When people ask why I’m doing a menial job I tell them it’s to pay the bills he hasnt paid for 7 months. .I talked my sister into going on a cruise when her divorce was finalized maybe we’ll do the same for mine..I think if I had a party it would get back to him and he would say I’m bitter.. not even remotely you fuckwad!

    • I know when I was still with the ex, and doing the RIC, I kept the cheating to myself like they advise. I think it’s the worst thing I could have done. He got to look like the perfectly sane, long suffering Good Guy who was staying with his crazy, fat, emotional, unpredictable wife. What a saint, considering he was the one CAUSING my crazy behavior. They use that shit against you.

      And you don’t have to be real detail oriented either. Something like “Ex thinks it’s OK to sneak around with/date whores while married” gets the point across real well.

            • He tells everyone the marriage was dead for years and years it was mostly cause of him, he wouldnt go anywhere do anything no matter how hard i tried to get through to him he got worse. No romance, no affection, no care. So what usually happens, i dressed down, became a hermit, didnt care how i looked, was depressed and misarable while going through four years of the change and female surgery and fuck night saturdays. I was supposed to be fresh and bouncy and all sexy upped with no help, support or attention from him. So i gave up especially since he would yell if i tried to cheer him up. Years i tried. Then he went off on his bondage sites and women and found one he went nuts for. Apparently not since he cheated on her. But then he first wife was the one then i was the one then she was the one for cheaters its never just one. They do not know the meaning of being in love. If i am asked i yell the truth. He lies. He complained i didnt dress up,for what dishes, laundry, raking leaves? His idea of dressing up is a good tshirt, shorts and sneakers while i would be in a dress and heels. But new woman made him feel the need to dress up for her. Wash, rinse, repeat. Once the newness started to weat off same old habits but of coutse its all my fault. I wouldnt move into a rental like they wanted me too cause i did not trust him, so the last three years of suffering is my fault apparently its all my fault. If i fucked over my spouse like he did id be a little more kind and definately honest. She gave him an out he wouldnt take it, i gave him many outs he wouldnt take them. He is fucked up in the head and sticks that screaming penis bate ass into whatever cause hes confident nothing will happen. Personally i hope his screaming penis kills him. Four weeks im outta here. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

              • Crossing fingers and toes, your ex sounds like my traitor. Big factory in hell where they make too many of them. Going cheap!

                Chump XX, there’s also another factory in heaven where they make chumps like us:
                “Consider the party pot luck since XX has no desire to actually cook as she begins to exit this fog of fuckedupedness.

                Dartboards with photos, a photo-realistic pin the tail/tale on the “donkey,” a special version of “straight up the ole corn hole,” and voodoo dolls for the crafty attendees will all be available for cathartic fun and games. (No Hefty bags or shovels required.)”
                I have fantasised about all of this for months! When I am really at the end of my tether I go to my “happy place” and imagine sticking pins here and there, throwing darts in the woolshed at my specially made dartboard, and I don’t bloody cook anymore, free at last!!

        • My response was “We had irreconcilable differences. I couldn’t get on with the idea he was fucking someone else.”

  • I don’t want a party … I want a “Pride” Parade! Everyone all dressed up in boas and sequins and such strutting down the street carrying banners that say “I Survived Being Chumped On the Down Low!” Yes, my STBX might be a real coward about his real sexual orientation, but I personally plan to come out of that closet for him!!! I will be dressed up as a big yellow canary!!!

  • It is one year and one day before you can get divorced in Australia. I have only told two people about his cheating. With everyone else I just gave him enough rope to hang himself, haven’t had to say anything to anybody, he has dropped them and they are seeing his lack of character.
    My party was to go to Phuket for one week, have a fabulous time and ask an old school friend out when I got back, he said yes. I go on my first date in over 17 years next week.

  • You know what, after the initial shock, I haven’t played pretend. I’ll tell everyone what is going on. The only Switzerland in my life is my mother in law, and I understand that. It’s her son we’re talking about, after all. I even told the guy at the drug store when I picked up a heating pad and a massage wand to help ease the tension in my left shoulder. He immediately said: OMG! I’m so sorry. I said: Don’t be! I’ll be better off without him. He high fived me.

    I feel no shame in getting divorced. And now that I’ve discovered what kind of narcissistic liar I’ve been married to, I’m relieved. And it can’t come soon enough.

    • I had a similar experience with telling the truth to a stranger! I was purchasing a new phone, my ex’s obligation to pay that particular bill was expiring. My ex demanded I return the phone he was paying for or hand over the cash to pay for it. I relayed to him that all he had to do was release my number and I could take the plan over. Crickets was my response. I looked at the gentleman who was helping me, explained my story and he said “You know, I really like you! You’re fun and smart, he doesn’t deserve you, you should do what is right for you!” So I did. New phone, new number, no way for the ex to control /contact me. I got high fived from the gentleman, and all my coworkers when I got back from the store…. That was my party and it was AWESOME!!!

  • My stbx (who I just left 3 months ago) is having a (family reunion) party at our house tomorrow. It’s really a -look what she left party -I’m a great guy, nice house and I have money! Meanwhile, the stupid fuck should realize people will be thinking “she left all this? He must be a real ass!” He’s clueless, selfish and a manipulating gaslighter. My Switzerland family and friends can have him. Oh and he told my kids to invite me to come-fuck that!

    • I am sorry about that! And he is clueless to invite you. Sounds similar to the thinking of my ex, who seemed clueless about the extent of the pain I was in… Hang in there!

  • I would like a fantasy halloween party where i dress up like creature i think asswipe is like and then throw darts at a photo of his face till there are so many holes no one can tell who it is. I have to come up with a cartoon of drawing of a pod creature and post it on my fridge.

  • I think one thing that happens when you are dealing with the Deranged (and not just cheaters, but general psychopath/narc types as well) is that they get away with a lot of stuff because everyone projects their own values onto these people. They do something evil, and if anyone calls them on it, they act innocent. I have several of these people in my life, and the things they do usually get written off as harmless, but when you look closer the intent to harm is there, almost always.

    So I think when cheaters are exposed and people think back in their interactions with them, a lot of the time they see malicious intent that they missed when they were seeing them in a more positive light.

    • Completely agree Anita. I only had 3 years to relive after being smacked into reality and some of those moments of old memories with new understanding could take my breath away… or make me vomit.

      Big hugs and prayers to those who lived and bred with their socio/psycho for years.

    • The humble, hypocritical false self displayed coupled with the projection of our values onto the cheater keeps us from fathoming the true evil that we are dealing with for a while. Initially, I saw XH and OW as star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet. I thought the reason that he didn’t leave to be with her was because he was jobless and I was supporting him and that he didn’t want to have to ask her to support him. Recently, I have realized that he didn’t leave because he enjoyed getting away with having an affair behind my back. Realizing that I was someone’s dupe, someone’s patsy, and that he enjoyed duping me and viewed me as a fool made me see that this is more than just star-crossed love, this is evil.

      • Chumptacular, amazingly your story sounds very similar to mine. He and the whore were also Star Crossed Lovers. He apparently was Madly in Love with her for years, before he met me. Which didn’t stop him pursuing , dating, and marrying me. Oh well.

        Then he looked the bitch up, and he was In Love again. He just luuuved her and just couldn’t give her up. Although not enough to divorce me for. Or date her when they were both “available”, cause he wouldn’t leave. They were only irresistible to each other when I was in the picture. I think that’s how it is with these cheaters. Triangulation rules.

        Anyway, this moron actually told me “We never were Romeo and Juliet.”. (I guess that was him and whore.). I told him ” That’s good, cause I’m not 15, or dead. “

      • I always wondered about the strong correlation of handsome super Narc cheater who also happens to be broke, jobless and/or unable to support himself. BSN for Broke Super Narc 🙂 I’ll call it that!!

        The BSN always thinks they are just too good — that their big payoff will come. That their superior looks and intelligence are far above anyone’s and especially yours. Therefore it is a fact to them that they are better than you. The BSN believes you not only need to be reminded they are better, you need to be punished as well. Even if you just love them and are trying to help. Your supporting them is proof on its face that they are lacking, undesirable as a mate and weak. So they set out to devalue all that you do for them.

        You can control the support and finances of the BSN but you don’t get to control who they can fuck. And that makes it so very delicious for the BSN to cheat. Their ego is stroked and you are punished at the same time. Cheating and the BSN I feel goes hand in hand.

        I think mine didn’t leave me after the many triangle games and Ddays because he liked to deceive and manipulate me – to support him. While at the same time he was hating me for it and even denied to himself I was supporting him. Devalue-Deny-It Never Happened. Living apart for 7 weeks so he could earn money for example became he didn’t live with me that entire year! So how dare I say I supported him?! When a girl was discovered BSN cheated with at that time it became “we were not even dating and I didn’t live with you”. Pure evil.

        There are no “better days ahead” with a BSN. Only wasted days and horrible realizations. He will use your love and charity and leave you empty. There is no Win in learning my BSN didn’t leave me for all those tinder and plenty of fish girls. He stayed with me for one reason — he Knew those girls would not like him if they had to support him! They would not like buying his cologne and razor blades while he repaired his credit and prowled social media and dating sites for his next chick to fuck.

        Run fast and far from the BSN cheater!

        • I had a BSN also. You described him perfectly. They love to use and manipulate the ones that love them the most. The lies they constantly tell are like sweet nectar to them. I know Durtbag continues to sext his harem and no doubt screw his side pieces even though he and slut puppet and his mom are living in some “friend” of his’ house. Now that we are divorced and I have been no contact since he finally got his mom and his things (almost 3 weeks now), I am sure he is missing his favorite triangle. But he has many many others to fill the gap.
          On a side note, he has yet to change his mailing address (his mom hasn’t either), so I got the three notices from the IRS and the certified mail slip stating that he has two letters he needs to sign for….. Guess the IRS is on his heals. Poor sad sausage. His mom is paying for and financing the car he drives, I am sure he promised to pay her…. Might be hard when the IRS is garnishing his wages. Boo-hoo.

        • In addition to understanding that the cheater disrespects his mate through deception, the perspective that cheating is punishment adds another layer to the abuse. It makes the statement that while the spouse who supports the cheater may have a certain degree of financial power, it is through the cheater’s choice of another partner that the cheater has the ultimate power; the power to access the worth of the supporting spouse, and the supporting spouse has been deemed worthless by the cheater’s choice of another.

          • My traitor is a BSN too, And he admitted he was always in love with ex wife no,2 and knew it before he talked me into sellling my farmlet, leaving my town job, and going full time farming with him over 8 years ago, financing his farming dream and his end of the world future proofing fantasy. His big line was ” You have the financial capital and I have the social capital” by which I presume he meant 2 ex wives and 4 kids. Always used my lack of a family (no children,no siblings, dead mother, no dad) to remind me that I had nothing and he was my family. Now he’s destroyed that or rather I was really never part of a family. It was a ponzi scheme, to keep it going I had to constantly bring in more capital in the form of borrowing and devote more and more of myself to him and his whims. When that source started to dry up, he looked elsewhere for more investors!!

          • Precisely! I know I went off subject here so maybe the party could be a welcome home party — welcoming back to Self Worth and Love 🙂

  • The small cluster of us here whose chumps died cant have parties lest we look like complete assholes, so we will sit over here and live vicariously through Dixie Chump and her boa/sequin outfit at her pride parade.
    Party on, Wayne.

    • I think you can still celebrate. You don’t have to tell people why. If they ask, and you want to answer, tell people you have gone through a very difficult time and want to move forward. I am not calling mine a divorce party or even referring to anything about the cheater. Nope. This is about me and what I want for a change.

      • I think on some level, I celebrate every damn day.

        I wish you could see the photos if me and thenboyfriend/fiance now husband on a yacht in the Aegean…living it up. At one point on the trip I took a photo of my pick toenails with the sea in the backdrop and thought “Cheaterpants died 2 yrs ago today” ZWING, party on.

        • I’m envious. I wish X was dead so he couldn’t continue to fuck with my kids.

          My oldest son got out of the psychiatric unit at the hospital on Monday because of suicidal thoughts due to mental illness he was self medicating with alcohol, drugs and tobacco.

          His father took him to his place that afternoon, and they sat at the fully-stocked bar with beer on tap to talk about how I was trying to “institutionalize” him. He told my son I was treating him “like a criminal” and that all my son needed was “more self-control.” He really just needs to “man up.”

          Yesterday, X picked him up and said, “I think this is yours.” Then gave him a cigar.

          If X was dead, I could handle the natural canonization of dear old dad much easier than the sick, abusive, evil manipulation he does to them when alive

          • Oh no. Drug addiction is a swirling vortex that ruins everyone’s life. Your X is more than enabling. He is actively hurting your boy. Then, when you come on strong, you are the “nag.”
            That is so bad, I am so sorry.
            Maybe tell your son this: Drug use does lead to being locked up and everyone would treat him like a “criminal”. And it is NOT Club Med. Young cute boys are scouted on the first day to be someone’s “punk”. This is real. (In America).
            Dear Old Dad can act like this is a big joke, but having to sleep with one eye open to is NO JOKE.
            I, too, cannot throw a party yet because I have moments of suicidal ideation and I am lost. But I am getting there.
            I am sick over the time wasted. I am sick over the LYING, just the appalling balls on these cheaters.
            I am sick over the realization that I loved someone who truly just does not give a damn about my well being.
            But, one day, I hope to be at that place where I can smile.

        • I love this, Unicornnomore! Every day is a celebration of sorts of our lives without the lying, cheating, soul-sucking disordered mess of our exes. I am smiling picturing your pink toenails against the blue, blue waters of the Aegean Sea. I am so happy you have found a worthy new spouse. Enjoy your cheater-free life!!

  • I am having a party to re-initiate my home and just to generally celebrate. All of “our friends” including ones that have known him for 30+ years are coming to the party, even members of his current band, to support me. He has done this to so many women, including but in no way limited to, 3 wives and surely 100s of harem members and side pieces, that they finally see some of his bad character and are disgusted by it. I am going to try not to talk about him or what happened at all. Enough people know that they will do the talking for me. Instead, I am going to start enjoying my sociopath serial cheater-free life. Don’t care if it gets back to him. I don’t think he will enjoy those kibbles. He and the slut puppet can go sing in dive bars for tips while I am enjoying life.

  • I am “telling the world with discretion,” if you will. With the process still working itself out and with two pre-teen girls to think about, as much as I would like to I’m not shouting to the world everything that led to this situation. I’d like to think it’s the proper thing to do even if I hadn’t been advised by my attorney to do so. Keeping it confined to those you really trust allows you to be mostly free to ‘celebrate’ but lessens the chance that any slips or screw-ups minimizes damage (also means that there’s nothing the Cheater can use against you).

    That said — in my most elaborative fantasies, I would gather all of my friends and family together in a restaurant function room and ask each one to unburden themselves at a mic, taking turns saying the things they’ve wanted to say about the KK but never did because they cared too much about me to rock the boat.

    Then I would make a short speech thanking them, letting them know how much I appreciate their love and support, ending with a formal declaration of independence from her fuckedupedness.

  • Oh yes I can speak ill of the dead! And no one blames me. I have even gone as far to state that cheater ex did me the biggest favor of his life when he put that bullet through his head. Spared me his trial with all the smearing that he and his family had done against me, it would have been sheer hell. Heck, even the local police believed them and harassed me.

    So sorry unicorn it’s just another bite of that shit sandwich.

    As for celebrating, I give thanks every day. Ahhh freedom.

  • I had a party over a year after dday for my birthday and and called it a looking-forward-to-the-next-year party. I felt loved and it was healing to celebrate making it through the year of hell… I am all for parties and celebrating triumphs, especially over taking steps to gain a life!

    • Exactly, Northern Light! It isn’t a divorce party, it is an “i made it through hell and life is brighter now” party.

  • the summer after the autumn that he left I had a neighbourhood party with friends, neighbours and new friends that supported & continue to support me through this ongoing legal mess. Why wait until it’s officially over? It’s been over for the fucktards for years. It’s time for us chumps to start celebrating our freedom ☺️

  • I can see the need for a few kinds of parties.

    A lady I once knew told me that her home custom in her Kenyan town was that if someone died, all who wanted to grieve would come to the family home and kneel and cry and scream and slap the ground and grieve deeply and openly for a day, then everyone who was not immediate family would cook and clean for the immediate family in shifts for a month.

    I think a D-Day party where the chump can cry and scream and tell crappy stories openly and the guests can share all the crappy stories they have about the crappy X would be great for some chumps. Switzerland not invited.

    Then the next party is the “I don’t live with (or share home space at any time with) that douchebag anymore” party. Clearing out leftover crap and buying and/or donating and/or rearranging furniture as the chump wants it precedes a great and decadent potluck and housewarming party. Anything incriminating the X left behind can go on display or right in a fire. Room painting services optional.

    For those with kids, a special “These kids kick ass! party” is a birthday party amplified. Friends kick in to get them things they need, pay for admission to something fun, drive them and friends to that thing as a team, etc.

    The next one is the “Divorce is final party” (or for non-married chumps the “All entanglements are complete” party.) This one is pure fun, no discussion of X allowed, and lots of celebration of Chump’s new life encouraged.

    The next one is just a damned party. No name, no frills, no gimmicks, because now life is the new normal and it’s just a normal damned party.

    🙂

  • I’m in a year and a day state. It’s been almost two years, settlement signed earlier this month, property on the market, and my divorce becomes final TODAY! I think i am going to usher it in with coffee on the porch with my dog. Maybe a drink later. I like the idea of a celebration of a new life. The only regret I have is staying as long as I did.

    • Congratulations! You made it! I hope you and your dog are treated to a beautiful sunset this evening, perhaps with a nice glass of wine. And a fresh bowl of water for the dog!

    • Congrats! I think the six month waiting period we have is hell… I can’t imagine a year and a day until you can file. That’s just offensive. But way to get it done and move on.

    • My divorce is also final today. Congratulations to us. I’m celebrating with a weekend away.

    • Congratulations on making it to the other side. Our dogs are amazing aren’t they? I don’t know what I would have done without their constant love and companionship. I made them first on my settlement agreement. And they are as happy without him as I am.

  • Mine would involve a dunk tank filled with piranhas. For every text message he sent to the OW, I get one ball to throw at the target. Party on!

  • I would like to have a party. Here are the games we’re going to play:

    Hide and Seek – that is, how long can you hide your secret “compartmentalized” life from your wife?
    Pin the tail on the asshole
    The Blame Game – I cheated because …… (fill in the blank). Points for creativity and absurdity. He told my Dad he was leaving (me and his two young children) because we didn’t have enough dinner parties.
    Cluster B Bingo
    Name that Paraphilia

    Of course, there will be a pinata with his face on it. Very therapeutic.

    Cheers everyone!

    • I like this. Except, I think he should actually be the pinata. I’d still really like to give mine a couple of good wacks with a bat.

      • Yes I like this. When I discovered his cheating was real and not just my crazy suspicions, I felt like I was the piñata being hit with a “stupid stick”. I finally stared to see what everyone else saw. I thought I was being the patient, loyal, strong wife dutifully keeping it all together while my husband went thru a crisis. Well that’s was just STUPID.

  • Good idea. I can invite my “it’s better to have loved and lost..” Switzerland friends. I’m sure they would get a kick out of it. LOL. Actually, I have a very close friend who is also a fellow chump. She would get it for sure.

    • What about a part for the Switzerland friends? Invite them to the best ballroom in town for food and drink and let them know you’ll settle the bill at the end of the night. When they call you the next day to complain that they needed you there and you didn’t show up. Just say, “I didn’t, did I?”

  • I imagine the day this divorce is final will be one of the best days of my life. The air will smell sweanketer, colors will be brighter….and I will never have to deal with him again. My god how I wish that day was here already.

    But as for a party – yes…I want to go out with my friends and eat and laugh and celebrate. I will want to host a thank you party at my house for my family who have been just wonderful to me and my kids during this hell.

    But I can’t wait to just be able to breathe again.

  • I’m waiting to have my party when I’m in my own place, decorated the way I want, and my life is in order. Then it’s on like donkey kong. I’m inviting my friends, family, and I’ll be happy, without a thought about my ex…except maybe a fleeting thought of gratefulness that I’m single.

  • I filed for desertion among other things so that year thing was waived. My divorce was final the same day we’d gotten married. A perfect coincidence IMO. After I went to court to hear the judge say it in person. My attorney couldn’t seem to understand why I’d do that but exasshole pulled so much crazy I was afraid he’d show up and contest somehow. Anyway, I took myself to dinner to celebrate.

  • I am doing two things. 1. I am having an Independence/Appreciation Party. I am inviting those women who have been a major support to me over the last few years especially when things got really ugly. These women held me up and loved me when I felt unlovable. I am going to throw a cocktail party at a friends house. She offered me the use of her home incase of a rash of Prince Charming bashing breaks out. Both of my sons live with me still. But this party is more about me reclaiming my life. My therapist thinks it is a wonderful idea.

    2. I am taking my two sisters to Spain next spring. I really wish it included my sister who died before things got really ugly. I can’t imagine really how I would have gotten through this whole ordeal without their love, support and telling me things I didn’t necessarily want to hear.

    By the time the cocktail party takes place my divorce will have been final for 8 months. So it’s not really a divorce party. And by the time we take our trip, it will be over a year.

  • You guys are inspiring, and I love the idea of a super cheeky party like this, at least as a fantasy. And I love that we can riff on things like this and celebrate our A+ brand of collective Chump Nation wit together.

    In real life though, every outward sign of giving a crap about the ex, I feel, ought to disappear at the moment of separation. Don’t give them the satisfaction of thinking you care enough to basically throw a big party all about them. Miss Manners, the original queen of snark, has a hilarious answer to the question of what to do about announcing a divorce. She suggests that you not have a party *for* the divorce per se, but to “show off your newly redecorated house — even if the redecoration is only the fact that you have put your clothes in both bedroom closets after emptying one of them of someone else’s clothes.” ? FWIW, I did have a “house re-warming” party, invited close friends, had a great time filling the house with love and laughter, and not a single word was mentioned about He Who Must Not Be Named.

    For the rest of that lil Miss Manners article: https://books.google.com/books?id=FOodocaTLsMC&pg=PA654&lpg=PA654&dq=%22even+if+the+redecoration+is+only+the+fact+that+you+have+put+your+clothes+in%22&source=bl&ots=Qhz5TfXkPX&sig=-YtSkJUNsz1lx2zqi6C1VrcN4Z8&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwix4uK95ZjOAhWE2T4KHUDjAfsQ6AEIHjAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

  • I went to a play with three of my girlfriends. We had a picnic outside and then a Prosecco toast to my divorce being final. It was a quiet but lovely way to celebrate my start at getting a life! I think that chumps should celebrate in some way– divorce is sad and painful, but it is about a new beginning and ending something that needed to be ended. Divorce is a healthy response to abuse, and I think that getting away from an abusive cheater is something that should be celebrated.

  • My friends threw two parties for me. One was on my 32nd wedding anniversary when we were separated and going through the divorce. They called it the Wine and Decadent Chocolate Event. We all wore black and they brought chocolate deserts. It made an otherwise upsetting day an event to look forward to instead.

    The second party was after I moved into my own home. They threw a dinner for me and it was wonderful. No gifts, just love and support.

    I say make up a reason to party whenever you can. I hope everyone is blessed with good friends like I was. If not, please find a divorce support group near you.

  • I celebrated in two ways. I got a Phoenix tattoo after I finally realized I was going to survive this (symbolizing I will always rise from the ashes), and went to an awesome Blues concert at Buddy Guy’s Legends the evening the divorce was final. Both wonderful things I will cherish forever.

    • I too am getting a phoenix tattoo pn my lower back but not untill i move and truly are free. I go with he had too many wives and i bowed out of the equation because i cannot be with anyone who shows me the disrespect and dishonesty that he has. But hes a great guy you say? No you really dont know what bad charcter and what a low morals lying bastard pod person he really is. You dont know him. Have a nice day! Shuts up damn near everyone. But what did i do you say? Absolutely nothing to be treated in that manner. Any more questions? Didnt think so.

  • After the trial, I didn’t know when the divorce would actually be final. When I was notified, I already had plans with a friend who’d been very supportive and helpful, so that was perfect. I also already had plans for the weekend for a CN meetup. Again, perfect.

    Not so perfect was the fact I had started dating right after the trial, and thought I’d found a good guy, only to figure out he was also a cheating fuckwit too, right before being notified everything was final.

    But having had plans to do things, and getting out there and dating again, I guess it at least shows I was getting a life already. So there is that….

    • Snake-bit. You have that great name for a reason.
      I do applaud you for getting out there and being game to meet others.
      I know I couldn’t have done it that soon myself, only because I was so darned scared everybody out there was like the X, and I was still in shock about what he’d done.

      I couldn’t imagine what it would do to me have a guy hood-wink me so quickly.
      I guess, I still don’t know how to pick my picker – but I sure as hell don’t want to try – yet.
      Probably because I retired my Picker the second I divorced. Just need a lot more time.
      Plus, I don’t need a man anymore.
      Tried that for 36 yrs.

      Good for you grabbing your life by the horns, although I’m sorry your first one turned into being a scumbag.
      Being on this site tells me there are some very great quality men out there.
      Just gotta find those and trust your gut in the meantime.

      Good luck and have fun!

      • The way I choose to see it, the new guy only stole 2 1/2 months of my life, as opposed to the snake stealing 2 1/2 decades.

        I think that’s an indication that while my picker might still need tweaking, my dump-that-motherfucker is vastly improved.

        I’ll take that for now.

  • I would like a party and invite Godzilla to attend. After we get good and tipsy on fabulous legal beverages, I would like to send my friend off to find the cunt and the community dumb drunk cock slobbering bitch. Then have Godzilla chase them for awhile just for fun. Ha ha ha ha ha. My one year D-day anniversary is in August. I’m celebrating all month. I made it. Not at meh yet, but my life is oh so much healthier. Happy Friday everyone!

  • Since we are in the middle of an election year I would throw a convention for my party: Chump Nation. The state delegates would be all of us, and clearly our nominee would be Chump Lady, with Tempest as her “Vice” president. Naturally they would be elected by acclamation. Our party platform would address foreign policy issues such as: “Innocents Abroad – why it is not cheating if you hook up with prostitutes in China and claim everyone else did it first” or “The Global Marketplace – Should we make the Chinese reimburse us for international porn/dating sites that were accidentally accessed…for 10 years.” Domestic issues would include “The care and feeding of multiple OW,” and “Households split in two – A boon to the Economy?” and “Landscaping your yard by throwing his effing high school trophies from 30 years ago out the upstairs window.” Plenary sessions on consumer issues such as “Which trash bags will reliably rip when overstuffed,” and “How to make the half the income go twice as far” would be Standing Room Only. The Healthcare plank would address “STDs and the sad sausage who simply has too much love to give!” and for mental health: “He says you’re crazy and you need help: Is he Gaslighting or should you be immediately tranqued and carted off?” Homeland security would hold sub-sessions on cybersecurity, such as how to safeguard your CraigsList account and why you should never use your wife’s initials and birthdate as your password on adult dating sites. It would be presented by the Departmental Undersecretary for Hacking (D.U.H.) Each night would include candid stories from keynotes which would elicit knowing nods and cries of “preach!” from the party faithful. The event would culminate with acceptance speeches from our esteemed leaders who would henceforth be known as “The Straight Talk Express,” followed by wild applause from a crowd fueled by chocolate, Lemon Drop Martinis, Xanax, rage, or WTF-ever gets them through the day, and the dropping of thousands of balloons…all filled with hot air.

        • O.M.G. YouDepleteMe, you just depleted me!
          I finally fell off my stool after worrying about it at all times.
          My gut hurts from laughing.
          Thank you fro that today.

          You are brilliant!

          I think that’s for – THE WIN!

          • My dog is very worried because I’m cackling so much at this one!
            Was he really so dumb he used your initials and DOB?? What a catch he was!

    • So funny! And yes, I packed up his silly little tennis trophy from the 9th grade and sent it with him. Why does a man in his mid 50s still need a little plastic trophy attached to a fake marble base? Good grief.

        • Dixie – we took his arm-wrestling huge trophy around for years and years, always displayed.
          He won it in 12 Grade. 1st place in the state of MT. (big deal – right!)
          He arm-wrestled thru college and f-d his entire arm up by the time he turned 40 with arthritis.
          But, hey, everybody wanted to try him out even when he got a proper business job too – hearing of his big accomplishments with his huge biceps!!

          What a thing to prove.

          When it came to looking at that cheap trophy after so many years and since I was throwing things out like a hoarder-expert, I resisted throwing that out.

          I guess it will be proudly displayed somewhere in his new house, if he ever gets one.

          It’s really quite a joke. Last trophy he won.

      • Actually I think Tempest should be Secretary of State. She’d be delegating Chumps throughout the world on these archaic divorce laws, 2 years before you can even file. Ha. Fuck around on your committed partner and then see what type of settlement they’d have to pay. Ha ha.

    • That is brilliant, YouDepleteMe!! You are officially the Chump National Convention Chairperson. Conference attendees–don’t forget to bring glitter.

      • Well thank you, I humbly accept! We could open with a rousing chorus of the Narc Spangled Banner. The bands would perform heavy meh-tal favorites like “Bang Your Secretary!” “Comfortably numb (and utterly emotionless),” “Don’t stop believin’,” and Tom Petty’s “free ballin'” And our slogan can be “I’m with Her! And her. And also her, and maybe her too…”

        • Ok, give my gut a break, will ya!
          I shouldn’t have had that drink of wine before I read your latest post. rofl

          Since The Monkey’s Band (showing my age) is performing here this weekend, maybe I can figure out a song here..
          (not that I’m good at this!)

          Here we come, walkin’
          Down the street
          We get the funniest looks from
          Ev’ry one we meet
          Hey, hey, we’re the Cheaters
          And people say we monkey around
          But we’re too busy Swinging
          To care about the gossip around town.

          We go wherever we want to do
          What we like to do
          We have lots of time to get restless
          There’s always something new
          Hey, hey, we’re the Cheaters!
          And people say we monkey around
          But we’re too busy Swinging
          To care about the sounds of the town.

          We’re just tryin’ to be friendly
          Come and watch us play in our car
          We’re still the young generation
          Because I’m only 60 and
          Just want to fool around.

          Any time, Or anywhere
          Just look over your shoulder
          Guess who’ll be standing there

          (clipped)

          [Extra verse:]
          Hey, hey, we’re the Cheaters
          You never know where we’ll be found
          So you’d better get ready
          Us Monkeys are horny and ready to be shrewd.

  • I didn’t want a party. Not even when the divorce was final. But I did tell everyone WHY I was getting divorced. It was very powerful to tell people that I was divorcing a cheater. I started to feel strong. It helped with my healing. It has helped me know as I am dating. I won’t settle again.

    One of the best things my friends did for me was help me move out of my house….on the 4th of July 2014. I didn’t even have everything packed in boxes so I needed help with that. I had avoided packing up my photo albums, including wedding stuff. I asked friend to do it for me. And she did. People came out of the wood work and it was so nice to have that support in moving out of the home we had shared.

    Since that time, I have gone back to using my maiden name and bought a house. Those are very freeing and powerful things to me. I gain strength every day I live my good life. (and stay low contact with cheater)

  • My party is being planned. My birthday’s in November and, on that date, will be a year since my filing on Shithead.

    I’m planning a housewarming/birthday party for all the awesome female friends who got me through the last year. We’ll be playing a couple of HGTV drinking games with the champagne; every “I want granite and stainless steel” whine, every mention of a “man cave,” every stupid “the paint is an awful color,” will be celebrated!

  • My contribution to the party is a load of cardboard bricks. Each attendee brings a photo of their ex. We build a wall and tack the photos onto it. The wall is now known as “Wall of Shame”. Attendees will be given axes and/or hammers. Cue up the music: John Mellencamp’s “When the walls Come Tumbling down” at which point we hack away.

  • I am planning a party once I get my divorce decree. Next month makes 5 years since my last Dday and last month my divorce was granted…idiot dragged me through court for 26 months. I am SOOO celebrating my freedom from this disordered, disgusting wing it. OW can truly have him now! I deserve to celebrate!!!

  • Instead of having a party, the first thought on my mind was that I’d have that nervous breakdown I’d been putting off while going through all his crazy behaviour and the police backing HIM up while he escalated up to some serious stuff right under their noses. While those guys were entertained, I was trying to survive. When it was over, I near collapsed and that nervous breakdown never happened. It stayed inside and did amazing harm, crippling me in ways I never thought possible. I recovered slow but I got to say I’m in my 60’s now and having the most amazingly wonderful time of my life. Party time!

  • I didn’t throw a party but here is what I DID do. (Background…46 year marriage, together 50. I threw him out on a Spectacular Dday #2…the first Dday was 30 years prior.) The divorce was final six months later at a hearing or whatever it is called. Through my lawyer to his, he was told he was NOT to attend (he was present by phone conference call) which was approved by the judge. I bought a new dress for the divorce hearing and felt great in it. I figured I had a new dress for the wedding….why not the divorce! My sister came to be with me for this and that evening we went out for a lovely dinner. (I wore the dress all day.) Before dinner I said let’s go down to the courthouse and take my picture in front of the building. We did. She took my picture holding my documents in the air!! A man was walking by us, smiled and said, “I know what you are doing and I am getting one of those tomorrow!”

    • Congratulations ! My favorite joke: Why is divorce so expensive ? Because it’s WORTH It !!

      And it is, :-).

  • I left New York and went to celebrate with my sisters in Tucson. My divorce was days away from final. We spent three nights together at a resort. One night we went to eat wonderful Mexican food and Margaritas. Afterwards, believe it or not, we went to The Gaslight Theatre (http://thegaslighttheatre.com/videos/). Lovely time. Now every day that I breathe the air that he is no longer sharing with me is a reason for celebration.

  • These days I find any reason to have a party. I was going on a two week vacation so I had a “going on vacation party” (He has finally moved out and I am moving on party). Now I am back home from vacation I am having a “welcome home party” (Celebrating two months of NO Contact). I invite my family and friends and enjoy the ones that show up. Some of my family and friends have sided with STBXH so they have chosen not to show and that is their choice. My STBXH knows about my parties and even tries to invite himself through my children (lol).

    At my parties I do not speak of STBXH at all. If someone mentions him I change the subject. I am starting to make my life about me. I have spent enough of my life making it about him. I have games, photo booth, music and food and we have a blast. Now that I no longer have to use my energy on surviving the BS he was putting me through daily. I have so much energy and joy to enjoy the people who truly love and appreciate me. I am enjoying every minute of it. I am not where I want to be (Meh) but I thank God I am not where I use to be. Party On Chump Nation!

  • I had a “FreedomVersary” dinner party on the first anniversary of the day I moved out. I chose the people who lovingly stayed by my side through the worst year of my life. This week, on the day of my final court hearing, I took those same friends out for shots…on a Tuesday (fittingly, here in CN). I toasted and said it’s tough to celebrate the end of something I held sacred but I will celebrate that I have survived the ordeal and bright days are ahead.

  • zmichelle, I love it….”survived the ordeal and bright days are ahead.” You gave me a great idea! Thank you!

  • These are all awesome ideas, comments. I’m a new Chump (the one whose STBX videotaped her without consent for most of our marriage and also a porn addict and prob more)

    And, I will celebrate in a new home one day; one that my friends will actually come in to…they have been scared to even set foot in my house and would never use the bathroom here. Could be videotaped ya know.

    Also, what is it with the hoarding with these guys???? That must be a narcissistic trait. They have to keep mementos of every frickin accomplishment back to kindergarten!!!

  • Hells yeah I’m planning and Emancipation Party. There will be a bar tender, a DJ and a pinata. All at MY house, in MY yard… which of course I kept in the divorce.

    It just happens that my good friend (and now new roommate) finds herself in a similar transitional phase. Her relationship of 5 years ended ( and she lives with him), and she lost her mother a week later. Girlfriend needs a drink.

    I am throwing the party mostly as a thank you to everyone who stood by me. Whether that be the folks that did the heavy lifting of actually supporting me and listening to me give a play-by-play of the whole fucked up situation, or the folks that unknowing provided me with a distraction and break from the unrelenting stress of the “lining up the ducks” phase. The folks that allowed me to sort of disappear for hours at a time or didn’t ask a lot of questions when I said “if anyone asks – we were at happy hour on Thursday evening”.

    It has also forced me to keep moving forward. Get the house in shape, get the yard pulled together, sort through all the crap he left behind and get rid of it. Honestly to me – the how’s and whys of the divorce are inconsequential to me. The folks that know the whole story can fill in the people that don’t. Yes I got divorced, it was not unexpected, I am not particular upset… who wants a cocktail.

  • I had a divorce party… I had a jeep which I plastered a sign that said “just divorced” on the back windshield, attached soda cans to the rear spare tire and got honks from passing motorists all over the interstate. Then had a party at a male review with all my friends. My friends made a “ball & chain” out of a black balloon and cardboard chain and I walked up stage dragging that imaginary ball and chain attached to my ankle. The stripper sat me down and proceeded to rip the ball and chain with his teeth.. I was the only one celebrating a divorce party in a room full of about 5-6 bachelorette parties 😉

  • I am fortunate to have supportive and helpful family and friends. During the separation and divorce, they all pitched in to help me pack, ready the marital home for sale, move me and my kids into our new home and paint. I only had to hire a mover to move my piano, sofa and dining room table. I wanted to celebrate our new start, but felt like “divorce party” might be a little hurtful to my already hurting kids, and “housewarming party” seemed like a pitch for gifts which I didn’t need. September will mark two years in our new safe, warm, welcoming home and first anniversary of the divorce. We finally feel the chaos is over, so the kids and I decided to throw a “Thank You” party this summer. We will show our love and appreciation to all those who held us up when everything around us was crashing down, and the adults know what we will really be celebrating. I’ve got a few choice items to throw in the fire pit. We’re going to have a blast!

  • I had finally gone through a box of mementos I had saved for years of acquired things from the jack off. (sorry, I’m still full of hate….3 years later). Anyway, my friends and a couple family members, all women, had a card burning party. I bought a fire pit especially for the occasion. I wrote in magic marker all over the cards all of my ugly thoughts of him, tore em up and threw em in the fire. We all had turns and each said a little something about the serpent. Afterwards, smore roasts and hot buttered rums for everyone! 🙂

    • On what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, about 4 months after he left on DDay, I had an Un-aversary party. I invited some friends who love me to to meet me for beers at the local brew pub. I decided that instead of being sad and wallowing at home, I was going to surround myself with love. It was very uplifting.

      On the one year anniversary of DDay I cooked up a feast and threw a party for all my closest supporters. It felt great to acknowledge them formally and give back a little as my network was so very important to me in that first year of hell.

  • I’ve been collecting antique keys of all sizes and designs. When this is finally over (5 years of his viciousness and foot-dragging to run my legal bills up to many times what I will actually owe him) I’m going to have a key ceremony.

    Every person who helped me survive will get an antique key, adorned with a little beaded tassel, and included will be a hand-written note from me recognizing and thanking them for the comfort they gave me during this awful season of my life.

    Some are obvious key recipients: family members, shrink and so on… But some go to those who had a kind word at a key moment, like the lady at the bank who, recently divorced herself, bent the rules and dug up critical paperwork that changed the course of settlement.

    I’ve been making a key-recipient list and feel so very fortunate every time I look at it… The support- often out of the blue- has been a huge blessing.

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