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Dear Chump Lady, I’m obsessed with the tall, blonde Other Woman

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barbiHello,

I have this unhealthy obsession over the woman my ex-boyfriend of two years left me for.

A year after it happened I still cannot get them out of my mind. She was married and left her husband and two kids to be with my now ex. I’m pretty sure he started the whole thing and not the other way round. He didn’t have the courage to leave me but started a relationship with her while slow-fading out of ours. I still cannot believe he did that. I just didn’t think he was the type of person who behaved that way and I sometimes still have trouble understanding or accepting it.

This woman is tall, blonde (the quintessential Swede) and he seems madly in love with her. I’m just average-looking and feel less than compared to her. I really don’t want to obsess over her but I find myself comparing myself to her constantly and wondering “why her and not me?”, which is just stupid.

I suppose some of it has to do with the fact that I really thought he was a lovely person. Constant, stable, honest. I’m having trouble accepting that he is the person he turned out to be — someone who wasn’t honest in the least and who didn’t have the courage to sit me down and tell that he was unhappy and wanted out. Instead, he chose to start something behind my back and hope that I wouldn’t make too much of a fuss, while he slowly exited our relationship by seeing less of me, taking longer to get back to messages, stopped texting/phoning, trying to push me away by behaving badly or telling me bad things about himself that he knew I would find unacceptable (who knows if they were actually true?) etc…

It’s been a year that they’ve been together now and I really didn’t think this thing would last. Her children don’t talk to her anymore because she ran off and left them behind, but whenever I see her, she seems to be happy. She certainly doesn’t look like someone who is suffering. I’m just so jealous and I have no idea why. Because he picked her? He’s not exactly a reference for someone I want as a long-term partner, is he? So, why the jealousy and why the obsession over the girl he picked?

LilyPad

Dear LilyPad,

Let’s examine your values.

What’s better? To be a tall, Nordic blonde whose beauty is so all-powerful that it can make “stable, honest” men give leave of their senses? Or to be an average-looking person who would never abandon her children?

When you’re jealous, you’re voting for the first option.

What does she have that I don’t have? (Other than your boyfriend…)

Happiness! How do you really know? Quit social media stalking. If the truth is that she broke up her family, how happy can she really be? Joy requires depth. Abandonment requires sociopathy. Don’t envy the disordered.

Height! It’s not everything. Blondness! Anyone can be blonde. Scandinavian! Shop at Ikea. Eat lingonberries.

Why on earth are you comparing yourself to this person? Because she’s so powerful to steal your boyfriend? She didn’t steal him, you say he pursued her. Because she’s some ideal woman that every man wants? Most men would like to marry a woman who sticks around to raise their children. Most men would like a woman who doesn’t cheat on him. The men who just want Barbie, aren’t men. They’re men children playing with toys.

Consider your values and who you aspire to be. Consider the “prize” you lost — a guy that’s perfectly okay with dating a married woman. He’s happy to fuck over some chump (excuse me, save her from a controlling, sexless, horrible marriage). And he’s super okay with the collateral damage of children. Sorry about your parent’s impending divorce — I got a leggy blonde!

What is there to miss here? Who you THOUGHT he was? We all thought we partnered with honest, stable, loving people. Until the humiliating realization that we didn’t.

He pushed you away — telling me bad things about himself that he knew I would find unacceptable.

When people tell you bad, unacceptable things about themselves? LISTEN! Stop projecting your values on to them, and LISTEN. If you find these things “unacceptable” and then stick around and accept them? You’re signaling that you are a chump. That your boundaries are open to persuasion. That you’re not terribly certain of your values, or of what people tell you, because you’re deeply invested in your spackle.

You said you mug AARP members for their bingo money? But, but! You’re so stable and honest!

When he started ghosting you and treating you like crap and “behaving badly”? That was your clue to dump HIM. To say, “these behaviors are unacceptable to me.” To enforce your boundaries.

You’re lost in untangling the skein (otherwise known as his taste in blondes), instead of untangling your OWN skein — why did you tolerate this jerk? Because you thought he was someone else? Not a good enough answer, after he SHOWED you who he was.

Trust that they suck.

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Ask Chump Lady

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  • I’d take the honest caring ‘average’ looking person over the cheating lying tall blonde every time.

  • LilyPad, as jealous and obsessed as you are with this woman, trust that probably everyone around her –especially the abandoned children– are absolutely disgusted by her. Sure, there’s no shortage of Switzerland friends, sycophants and enablers in the world, but no one of any decency (except for you!) Is putting her on a pedestal.

    I realize that this is cold comfort in terms of healing a broken heart, getting over the empty space in your bed or quieting the merciless critic permanently residing in everyone’s head, but if the fact of the matter is that beauty fades, but stupidity and bad character or forever.

    And what will this woman have when her one quality is gone? Not the love and comfort of her children, not the respect of people who know her well, and probably not even your scumbag ex. She will have NOTHING.

  • This one hit home with me, because I’m (by American standards, average in Scandinavia) a tall, Scandinavian, blonde. Yet my husband left me for an even taller, non-Scandinavian, blonde. I used to ask all the questions too. Now, I trust that he (and she) sucks.

    • Everyone I ask has a different response to the OW/OM looks comparison question. Tall leggy blonde friend with hilarious personality got thrown over for a short dark cave woman type with a mean streak. Adorable devoted Sandy haired Irishman had his wife bolt for a creepy alcoholic bad boy. I’m a regular gal with long dark hair and Sicilian attitude- and my husband fawned over a meek, anxiety ridden, Manic pixie dream girl type- except she was middle aged, a mom, and married as well.
      I suppose there is zero rhyme or reason as to why someone picks a certain type- gorgeous and physically formidable, or a huge step down in the looks department- it’s equally devestating.

      • Some want a trophy. Some want a slave. some want adulation. Whatever it is it’s all about them. It’s not about you and it’s not about the other person either. Everybody is a means to their selfish ends. Is not real reciprocation. Let leggy blonde lose her looks and see how fast he finds another love. In our warped society the price we pay for being whole persons is a kind of ostricization …who are we to expect andinsist on honesty integrity and respect?
        Hold on to your essence until you find the people and circumstances that fit it. Compromising on our values is what got us here and tried as we did attempting to embrace or have a live and let live attitude to their lack of proper values is part of the reason we are so pained.
        Values values values. Morals morals morals. Right and wrong. Black and white. Truth and lie. Principals. Integrity. honesty. There I said it! Embracing and living good values does not make me naive or clueless. Realising that others don’t share my values but hoping they will … overly optimistic to naive. Cause i sure as hell never converted to sharing their bad values.
        Okay all done…

        • Yes! Not to mention that looks fade… blonde turns grey, skinny turns average and sometimes overweight… cute turns tired. What you have left at the end of it all is the choices you’ve made along the way. At least you can feel good about yours!

              • This is all pretty interesting…my XH cheated on me with a tiny just dyed her hair blond white girl and then cheated on both of us (lol) with a medium build half Pacific Islander half white chick (who abandoned her son no less!). I am small with a great figure, mom of three and an “exotic” mix of Jamaican and Cuban (eye roll I’m a PERSON) and have been told I’m gorgeous, the one who got away, etc etc. Why am I mentioning this, because looks DON’T MATTER. A dirty cheater is a dirty cheater. The real question to ask isn’t why would pretty young girls (all 10 yrs or more younger than me but all that tanning and hard partying will certainly leave them looking worse for wear but I digress) would want my balding, self boasting, pimpled and blotchy faced, not very attractive bum of a husband but why MY BEAUTIFUL ASS did? Beautiful inside and out! Instead of feeling insecure over this vapid chick’s looks remember she has a cheater for a bf. You can move on with a man who will treat you right someday. She’ll only get a guy who is a liar and a deceiver.

                I call that winning. And if the blond thing bothers you every drugstore sells dye. But NOT kindness, empathy, respect and morals. And that family abandoning biotch is shit out of those things.

        • I would have to say the best thing you can do when comparing yourself to someone else , is to stop right there and work on yourself . Early on I hated on the OM for a bit and also compared myself to him, it didn’t take long to realise he was someone who obvious has no morals, was 10 years younger no family and lived with his mum. I imagined his face on my boxing bag and went 10 rounds with him every night. No but seriously when you get past all the shit! It’s amazing what you can achieve when you fix your focus onto you , I set 100’s of new goals, none included my EX. Of course there will be doubters none bigger than your (EX)And when the goals started to become reality, who pops up (ex)? Sorry games over for (ex) . For myself I couldn’t go NC due to small children , that doesn’t really matter, after you realise your worth, all the ramblings from the ex are like water of a ducks back . You become invincible. You really do have to put yourself first, can’t stress that enough, and when you close that door behind you ,new doors are going to start appearing and opening up a whole new life , no need to resist it. PS biggest thing I did was to avoid negative thoughts. Have a think about that! without any negativity anything is possible.

          • Manchump,

            Your positive comments and outlook are inspiring. It’s hard work, but we are so worth it.

        • Sometimes the other man/woman is merely there for their own selfish ends as well, assuming they weren’t deceived into believing they were dating someone who was single. Mistresses tend to get mistress gifts. I know the relationship between my ex and the other woman blew up before our divorce was final. I’m guessing things weren’t as happy when he didn’t have much money left to give her. The bottom line is we were way overqualified for them, so they tried to knock us down to their level. Now that we are not with them, we have no reason to be held back anymore.

      • Often they pick the person that’s available and willing… it seems pretty common to ‘trade down’ for an affair partner.

        • I agree Raging. They pick whoever is available and the person who is willing to tolerate their dysfunction. They are at the same level of trash, and that’s why they get along.

          • Yes! If someone was really all that and more, he or she would have much better options than our exes. Truth be told, WE have much better options as well. We’ve just been knocked down so much that we stopped realizing we could do better.

            • Exactly. OW/OM fall for anything until they see they were wrong… And I’ve known several OW who NEVER admit they were wrong and the cycle continues… Whereas WE can move on, be strong and one day IF WE CHOOSE find healthy, mature relationships for ourselves.

              They’re stuck with junk or being junk themselves.

          • Yep. Reminds me of my Nana’s saying, “Pretty is as pretty does.”

            If you are willing to fuck a married person and screw over their kids, you deserve the Barbie treatment, because that is what you have made yourself into.

            Chumps, on the other hand can stay what they are (persons of integrity) and become something better (less codependent, Free and Mighty, to name but three).

            My experience was the opposite, though-the Downgrade looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and a horse that just got kicked in the solar plexus. I won’t compare myself to them, there are simply no grounds- she sucks, and I don’t.

            Hugs, Lilypad, it is early days yet for you, and it does get better. Here is a hopefully helpful mantra: “I am a human being and she is a Fuckpuppet.” Worked for me.

            megahugs,
            Meh.

            • In my case, the downgrade looks like the fat version of Gwenyth Paltrow’s character in Shallow Hal. With a crossed eye.

              I’m certain it was her money that attracted X. That and her colossal desperation to replace the husband she divorced (because he raped their twelve-year old daughter and served time in jail but she had forgiven him and now serves as his court-appointed sponsor for visitation with their younger daughter and she and my X were all best friends so I’m just being “hateful” when I refuse to have my minor child over there when the rapist is visiting) is what attracted X to her rodent’s nest.

              Jealous? Not on your life!

              • Omg, I laughed at the Shallow Hall analogy with the cross eyed. Too funny. What’s not funny and what you’re right about is not having have any contact with that rapist. What I’m shocked at is that your husband doesn’t think of protecting his own minor child from a rapist. That really sent chills down my spine. Animals in the wild would die to protect their young and here is this asshole who has no qualms putting his own flesh and blood in harms way. I just can’t get past this… Good for you for putting your foot down.

              • Forgive someone who raped my child or any child? Not even when they’re given the last rites.

              • I’m sorry, but, the only thing I could think is “What the hell is wrong with them?” Some fathers feel compelled to show their gun to their daughters’ dates. And that is an innocent young suitor who has no criminal record. Many fathers and mothers would be ready to kill a guy that raped their daughter. I just can’t see most parents being ok with having their child be around a rapist, let alone one that raped a 12 year old. Seriously, reasonable boundaries are only hateful to people who have the maturity of a 2 year old. Then again, I shouldn’t insult 2 years old like that, I’m sure they are much more mature.

            • Oh Mehphista! “the Downgrade looks like a cross between Freddie Mercury and a horse that just got kicked in the solar plexus. I won’t compare myself to them, there are simply no grounds- she sucks, and I don’t.”
              I scared my dogs cackling at this one! I’d love to see a photo.
              They are all ugly on the inside anyway. I am sort of a greying Barbie, with depth, character and real love to give Wasn’t worth anything to the traitor. Some people are just not humans, pure predators. Never mind who they end up with, it’s eat or be eaten.
              Thank goodness LilyPad wasn’t married to that cyborg and in America there really is a legal difference between being married and de facto relationships. The barbie Swede saved her years of grief by seducing that coward.

            • O.M.G. Mephista. I’m slightly drunk and reading through the archives late Friday night. I love your post. My STBX left me for a whore who is several years older than me, way taller than him, and, in truth, looks kind of mannish. The private investigator I hired to document their adultery for court thought he had the wrong woman! Until he cross-referenced her car registration with the address STBX had been spending weekends at. When it became apparent that, yes, this really was the other woman, he was stunned (and trust me, this PI has seen it all). He actually texted me, “this is not what I expected.” You know what this proves? CL is right, yet again. The adultery is about nothing more than finding some weak-minded slunt who spews kibble like Old Faithful. Nauseating.

              Okay, I confess I did something kinda spiteful. I know, based on what I’ve read here, that she will check my FB and LinkedIn pages. I made sure that my profile pictures have my thick, naturally blond hair showing prominently. She has bleached blond hair so thin she appears to be balding. FU bitch. I am mighty. I have hair. STBX will soon be unable to afford the weekend jaunts to the Keys. Very soon. BTW, hope you’re a sports fan cuz that’s how you’ll really be spending your weekends. In front of the TV. And, BTW, tomorrow I’ll be sober. But you’ll still be a spineless sycophant.

              PS: I apologize for the rant but, damn, it felt good to get that out of my system.

          • Totally agree, cheaters trade down.

            Among the many treasures CN has given me was this link to Sandra Brown’s radio show on Cluster B’s moving on to their next victim – http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction/2014/10/24/after-a-pathological-love-relationship-hes-moved-on-and-is-with-someone-new

            It was tough to listen to this right after DDay as I could not believe that my husband could indeed be a Cluster B. But the way he behaved during our divorce proceedings only confirmed that he has many Cluster B traits.

            My divorce is finalized, the pain is there, but it is receding. At the place where there once was love, now there is only certainty that he sucks.

        • My ex definitely traded WAAAAAY down… the OW (married with 2 kids) had no morals either and was easy pickins since she worked in the office next door to his. So glad he is no longer my problem!

    • I am a tall blonde. Mine cheated first with a short, overweighted, dark-haired one, then left me for a short blonde yoga teacher, of course 10 years younger, then wanted me back but I said no so now he kept final OWhore mousy faced blonde yoga toy for way longer than I tought it would last (year and a half past D-Day which was 3 months after they started while I was in my third trimester).

      In the end really doesnt matter who or what they leave you for. A troll or Rainbow Bright, the bearded lady of the circus, a whole team of cheerleaders, the mail man, tall swedish blonde, short swedish blonde, the easter bunny. You wil be baffled either way.

  • My obsession over the OW was about not wanting to rightfully place blame and anger on my Ex. I struggled to face my fury and rage towards him because I was in disbelief of such profound betrayal and because those intense emotions were overwhelming. She wasn’t the first and could have been anyone. He knew better. He knew he was lying to everyone and destroying lives.

    • Yea. The other women I felt they were as duped as me cept they knew that I existed. I met with one of them she was sold on his story about me that I was not treating him well. She also seemed to think she was special. She was taken aback when I told her she was not the first nor likely to be the last.

      • I have limited sympathy for the “I was duped, too” line from OW/OM. If they knew the person was married (and often married with children), I don’t care how much they were convinced the chump spouse was awful and abusive and frigid and _____ and ______ (fill in the blanks). They knowingly slept with a married or attached person, in violation of the social contract, morals, and laws in many states.

        It is a special kind of hubris to think it is your obligation to “save” someone from a bad marriage. And a special kind of stupid to believe someone’s spouse is awful when that has to be the oldest seduction line in the book.

        • I completely agree. I have zero sympathy for whatever story they need to tell themselves or believe in order to justify their bad behavior. Last fall I was having a casual discussion with a subordinate. He was telling me how his kids are doing, which was good, but then the conversation went south when he started telling me what a “bitch” his ex-wife is toward his current wife. What I didn’t see until too late to just excuse myself and walk away was that he continued to talk and told HIS story of how his ex-wife left him because he resorted to looking for affection outside the marriage because ………

          The only reason I didn’t go WWF on him was my position and rank. I stopped him and calmly told him I didn’t want to hear any of the excuses as to why he betrayed his marriage or his wife’s response to the betrayal. He told me I didn’t understand. I told him I understood perfectly and turned and walked away.

          In what delusional world would someone think it’s okay to tell their boss that they are a cheater and liar, and the boss would be understanding?

          • But Annie, cheaters are just misunderstooooood…..If you just heard their full story, then you’d understaaaaaaaaaand.

            Good for you calling the ignoramus employee on his bullshit.

            • Yep. I’m sure he thought I’d offer to sit down and hand him a tissue while patting his back and agreeing with his excuses. My empathy was immediately aligned with an ex wife I had never met. In life’s game of chess, he is playing checkers.

          • Annie – you did awesome not listening to this cheater’s story! It would have been lies anyway. And that’s what he wants, to paint the ex-wife as the biggest wench in history, when she’s quite likely a chump. And this guy is dumb or what, venting to his own boss that he’s a cheater and a liar. And he looks even dumber to tell you that his ex-wife is a bitch to his new wife. Gee, I wonder why? I’m SO glad you didn’t listen, he doesn’t deserve an audience. And it’s likely to be justified why his ex-wife is so upset. I wonder what those 2 did to her for her to act that way.

            • I imagine his cheater definition of “bitch” is that she booted his ass out, set boundaries, collected child support, you know, those bitchy things chumps learn to do. But I didn’t ask. Now if he had been a peer, he might have wondered how my boot ended up in his ass. That’s a story a supervisor might be interested in.

              • Sometimes it’s good to be a “bitch” in their eyes. God bless you for standing up to that guy who tried to tell you his sob story.

          • In what delusional world would someone think it’s okay to tell their boss that they are a cheater and liar, and the boss would be understanding?

            This, in the world of a cheater, is a pity ploy.

            Yeah, I’m pretty astounded, too.

        • Tempest, exactly right. I am sure that the OW in my case heard many stories about how terrible and anxious I was. But he may have failed to mention that I was anxious because he was a mean fuck and everything in our lives was chaos. I still struggle about what was better about her, and on some bad days I imagine he is no longer disordered and finally happy but even I know that is not possible. I don’t thinks these OW are just stupid though. There is a certain smug satisfaction in winning the competition for cake and they are all about winning the prize. In my case, the prize is a pathological lying, cheating, alcoholic, sick sack of shit who abandoned his family, left me responsible for all the debts he incurred, and gave up his relationship with his only son. There are probably some people who are happier after they move on to the next victim, but I think in that case there is not the torture, games and machinations we on CL have experienced. Meaning, the level of pathology of the cheater is borderline rather than raging.

          • Yeah, some prize–an entitled, pathological liar who doesn’t value real connections. Have at it, OW/OM.

            I would pay good money to hear what my X said about me to his APs, especially the gradwhore he boinked the summer we were adding on to the house, getting a puppy for my oldest daughter–yeah, planning things for our FAMILY, in which he was fully participating until he managed to seduce his first significant AP. I trust that he sucks so deeply that it would amuse me to hear the lies he spewed to her. Fucktard.

            • I have the same consideration and concern for whores that screw married people as they have for the married person’s spouse and family. Absolutely none.

            • Tempest, I’d split the cost with you to hear what he said. One, I’d like to see how far he was happy to go to distort YOU (an extraordinary person, easy to infer from reading this forum) while playing family guy. I’m beginning to believe that some Ns are psychotic, as in delusionally disconnected from reality … although I think DSM says no.

              Two, I have little sense of what’s typical of these, yep, fucktards. I do know my fucktard pathologized me as cruel, selfish, and mentally ill. But my source gave me only those three generalities. No narrative. If I could hear an actual story, I’m sure it WOULD be laughable. And, come to think of it, could be good to haul over a transcript and post on all those horrid sites I encountered before this one.

              • Exasshole started telling people “she ABUUUUSed me for 17 years”, it was only after he made this statement to my few remaining friends they realized he was lying about everything else going on. Previously they believed everything he said about our interactions. But they knew damn well I wasn’t abusive.

              • Thanks, ClaireS–I”m sure they all use garden-variety excuses from the Cheater Handbook about how their spouse “doesn’t understand”them, and “is too busy” to attend to their needs for constant stimulation. Mine would have thrown in a frisson of sophistication consistent with his educational pedigree, or perhaps a literary quote: ” ‘The chain of marriage is so heavy that it takes two to bear it; sometimes three.” (Dumas). [I know he actually did use that quote to a mistress during his previous marriage. Fucktard.]

                He did leave behind a computer that I believe is from his gradwhore-affair era. I’m not sure if emails (e.g., to gradwhore) would have been saved on it, but am debating about whether to get an estimate for downloading what is on the computer, including deleted searches. Finding Adult Website profiles he created from that time period would give me both a chuckle, and put me on the top of the Information-is-Power dynamic with X.

          • I was anxious too. I do have a tendency to worry in general, but I’ve found it gets better if I can have some semblance of security. When things are rocky, I am much more anxious. I assume that it is normal to feel anxious and stressed when you’ve given away all your power to a self-centered spouse. The one thing that really helped was taking my power back and stepping away from his Jerry Springer Show.

        • I agree that married is off limits . I’d go so far as to say unless divorced leave it alone. That said we acknowledge that these ow and om are not the sharpest tools in the shed. I think a very special idiot to believe the stories of married people who egad! Still go home to their partners at night.

          I had a friend she got pregnant for a married man. She had nothing good to say about his wife. She had never met the woman but was sold on his story. He even told her he and the wife no longer had sex. Wellllll both she and the wife were pregnant for him at the same time. When the wife found out and confronted her my friend was appalled. She said to me, imagine she is a Christian and she cursed me. I wanted to laugh. But she was dead serious. She got no sympathy from me and after a while i shut down that story when she started. She has low self esteem a string of relationships where the men are not fully hers and just plain issues.

          Long and short we know that these cheaters spin a good yarn. They fooled some of us for years. Some of them made ua question our reality. Manipulationis their game and everybody is a pawn. I don’t imagine that all APs Sally forth imagining that a married person would dare to try to lure them. After all they are married. And when it does happen they are already convinced by the stinking nasty liar that it’s a dead bedroom situation or whatever else they like to claim on Reddit. They will never approach is because we are crazy,bitter,etc. They get what they deserve for breaching the marriage but I believe if they were not fed a diet of lies most of them would walk off. The last one of the girls I met with whom he had slept was 26. She knew we were still married but was really under the impression that I was done with the marriage and that he was just holding on till I came back from studies to end it….news to me! So you know it was okay to help him line up a jump off. Not the smartest cookie in the jar that one.

          • I would agree. Some OW/OMs get involved because the cheater spins them a tale of their impending divorce. Except that said tale isn’t true. I would stay the hell away from anyone who hasn’t divorced and grieved a little.

  • I never saw/knew my OW – she scrubbed the internet clean before bomb drop. So I never knew if I should be jealous or not.

    2 years later, my daughters best friend got a job at mega company in HR – OW is one of her case load people… who the heck knew? I still don’t know if I want to see a photo — maybe someday — but all DBF can (or is willing to) tell me is that “She is crazy. Everyone knows it.”

    I guess I’ll have to trust her view… trust that she sucks.

    • “she scrubbed the internet clean before bomb drop”
      But you know there’s a cure to that? shesahomewrecker is made for that kind of trash! Rat her out so any new employer will see her for what she is! She scrubbed the internet clean? Then THIS will be the only information available on her! The site is super indexed, it pops right at the top of the searches! Great tool!

      • This is the first I’m learning about this site. I tried googling a couple people that were on the site. You’re right. The results are right at the top. My ex had it put into the settlement that I couldn’t publicize his actions. Of course, it might have been worth that to get him to settle, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was common for cheaters to do something like that.

        • oh, sneaky of him, but not surprising. He projected his own view of things on you: that’s exactly what he would have done to you. In your shoes, I would check if he hasn’t publicised anything on you.
          As long as the AP is not in the settlement papers … [whistling] You can also post anonymously with a temporary email address.
          Writing to his family and friends counts as publicising?

          At the moment, I am guiding myself by this quote:
          “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

  • Lilypad asswipe left me for a slightly taller, same dark hair as me, overweight quite overweight, fat fingered, back and foot fat not that great looking didnt care he was married and walked away from his family slut. She has money, worships at his feet, lets him beat her for bondage sex, encorages him to do drugs and act 15 years old. He left because she was different and thats what he needed in his life then. Now here 3 years later shes thrown him out for the fourth time but shes still hoovering around him. I think shes waiting for me to move so she can have everything. Hes miserable, deep in debt, nasty and on lots of physical pain and the dumb bitch thinks she can change him! My house sale is moving along nicely and soon i will be away from the madness thats him. Ive 30 years in it hurts and will hurt for a long time. And ive long stopped wondering why her. He cheats on her, lies to her, yep no different. Lick your wounds, try to forget and move on. Be lucky your not married to the bastard.

    • Kar Marie, your posts are just great. As for my stbx, he is still with the gargoyle of an OW he started out with.

  • Lily pad I have been where you are. It’s 4 years later…and there are days I still can’t believe my soon to be Ex chose the woman and her sons over his wife and daughters, but he did.
    The OW he chose…looks like a man. When she tries to look feminine, she looks like a man trying to look like a female. In my head I hear Aerosmith’s song “Dude looks like a lady” when I see her. It helps. Not only in her looks but in her character she is scum. People who break up marriages and implode children’s lives…..are scum of the earth.
    I don’t believe for one minute you can be truly happy in your life by destroying another human being. You just can’t.
    Oh my Ex and the “Dude” try to put on a good show….but I don’t believe for one minute they are a blissful as they want everyone to believe. My Ex looks like he has aged 20 years….he’s 57, she is 35. Our daughters are 21 and 22….
    My Ex and Dudes father are the same age. Gross…..just gross.
    I get it…..my mind goes there too….the why….how could he….But I thought he was….. At the end of the day, they are shitty people, who shit on others to feel good about themselves…Sorry but that isn’t what I want in my life. He did you a favor. Just like mine did.
    Hugs!!

    • Tracy

      My adult children are mortified at the mentally ill crazy woman he picked up this time. She is ugly inside and out. They talk about his personality changes and tell me they ‘get it’. I can only attribute it to how living within a famiky held his image intact. We are finally seeing the ‘dark side’ he wrote about for years. It was always there. The skank this time unmasked him and allows him to finally be himself.

      Happiness? We get an authentic life.
      He lives in squalor like a teenager, and can never reenter our lives now. My sadness has been replaced with true joy having clarity.

      Still they believe I’m feeling rejected and lost. Knowing him and his repeated regrets when he followed his impulses; he always had me to fall back on. Without the safety net he is angry and full of hatred. I am forever greatful for CL.

      I believe the true karma for him is living in an eternal limbo. He wanted me to fight and I filed instead. All he wants now is what he had. It will never happen. She was his kiss of death and my awakening.

      • Doing me – “All he wants now is what he had”.

        You’re kidding me. He wants his family back now? This would make me so angry.

        • It has been his pattern for years. He cheated, I forgave, rinse wash repeat. I stopped. He lost his family, business, and has incured massive credit card debt. He lives in a dump with a crazy fuck.

          He believed I would take him back. He has no way out. He is hateful with personality changes.

          Therapy and CN saved me.

          • “He lost his family, business, and has incured massive credit card debt. He lives in a dump with a crazy fuck.”

            Ha ha ha! What a becoming fate for a loser who destroyed his family. These assholes take their spouses for granted and don’t appreciate what they have. And they think they’ll leave their spouse and end up in much a better situation and they are wrong. I love reading stories like this, where the cheater ends up worse, but much much worse than before. No matter how much he suffers, it probably will never come close to the hurt he caused you. He deserves to be broke, living in a dump with that skank. The Universe was fair to him. You my dear are onto a beautiful journey. Big hugs to you!

            • Thank you Kellia

              I an getting a raise in September and love my job. My granddaughter is with me all week rehearsing for another upcoming show.

              I am greatful for everything I have in my life. To walk away from your whole life is one thing but to erase it all is the mark of a sociopath.

              I’m no longer sad. I finally have real peace and closure for that part of my life.

          • Well, actions have consequences. It’s extremely reasonable for you to have boundaries and leave him after what he did. You deserve a lot better.

    • “Dude” this is too funny. You’ve inspired me to think of a song when my ex pops into my head, but so far, this is all I can come up with….best line is, ‘Cause the next time that he cheats…Oh, you know it won’t be on me!”

  • Lilypad… feel your pain, but don’t FEED your pain.

    The hard work is not untangling their skeinoffuckedupness… it’s understanding your own motivations. And, I get it. I do. I’m 18 months out from the last D-day where he actually left me for the OW.

    My stepchildren call him a man-ho. Our 10yo son wants to know at what age can he stop going to Dad’s. The OW has two kids of her own who will also have their teen years of reckoning for Mr. Sparkles and #4.

    There is no happy ending with pathologicals.

    Put your energy into you…. Into admiring your strength and capabilities. When you shine on your own, it won’t matter if there is a women’s scandanavian volleyball team standing next to you. You’ll be beautiful (and I suspect you already are!)

    You got this. Trust that they suck.

  • Agreed that looks aren’t the reason. My Wasband’s Adultery Baby Sluterus looks like Bruce Springsteen with tits.

    Take away the looks factor, and all you have is character. It should scare the bejesus out of you that 1) ANY parent could even muster the appearance of happy while willingly abandoning her children. 2) Someone such as your ex would encourage or accept this behavior.

    One of the things that informed me as I began to date again was that anyone who did nor see regularly and support financially children from a previous relationship was not for me. Just think if everyone held to that obvious standard. The genetic pool would spike up several character points!

    At the end of the day when two people cheat, all they get is the proze of someone who would cheat, along with the collateral damage of cheating.

  • “…whenever I see her, she seems to be happy. She certainly doesn’t look like someone who is suffering…”

    No, she wouldn’t would she. #imageisallihave

  • I think the issue with my ex is that he really is THAT shallow. Just like yours.

    I haven’t seen his whore or photos of her in at least a decade, but I met her a few times long ago. I wasn’t the least bit jealous, there wasn’t any reason to be. At that time I didn’t know the high esteem he placed on this skanky whore. She’s not all that. Cheaters usually project onto their adultery partners what they want to see.

    You won’t ever be like this woman. Praise God and your lucky stars for that!!! She has nothing that you want to have, and is nothing you want to be.

  • Yeah you have to stop letting that scumbag take up another minute of your time by somehow being in your brain. OW #1 was a fatter, uglier version of me who looked like a badly drawn drag queen and knew fine well he wasn’t single. I did NOT need to see the naked pics of her on his phone. Ugh.
    OW #2 (there were many more, but these 2 I saw) was a younger, thinner, prettier, more stupid (therefore more easily manipulated / fooled) version of me. I believe she didn’t know about me. However they’re still together. He took on her existing child as his own, they got pregnant Very quickly and are now married. I spent months trying to work out what she had that I didn’t. Well it turns out it was him. And she was welcome to him and all the anxiety and self doubt he created.

    But ultimately it didn’t matter, cos he’s cheated on her as well. And he’ll do it again and again and again. They go for prey that’s easily manipulated. Once the prey wises up, they’re off, so they move to the next one. And the next one. Looks & personality don’t really come into it. It’s all about the entertainment value and the attention.

    It doesn’t matter if the leggy blonde is leggy and blonde. If she was 4’5 square with a beard, that would throw up a whole ‘nother set of questions in your head. The point is you’ve escaped, she and her delusions are welcome to him. Run away. Don’t look back.

  • I went through a stage in which I spent a lot of mental energy hoping that the mother of three MOW that Jackass took up with wouldn’t win the “prize” of Jackass. There are so many negatives to getting stuck obsessing about the cheater and his APs, but one of the worst is that you end up using things like social media to create your own mental world where the stars are the cheater and the AP. That’s a mental version of continuing to live with and be abused by the cheater–but this time doing it to yourself. Why are you spoiling your own life filling your thoughts with those who hurt you?

    There’s something truly horrible about the slow-motion discard with no real explanation. In my case, Jackass used his own father’s death as an excuse to exit–all the while saying he “just needed time.” Just a despicable coward–and one who didn’t want to reckon with the any of the consequences of ending a relationship (including financial ones). But writing to CL is an indicator that you know it’s too long to be obsessing over a cheating boyfriend. Consider seeing a therapist if you need help breaking the habit of thinking about these two if you need help re-grooving your thoughts to something real, because you are purely assuming that a woman who abandons her kids for a cheater is “happy.”

    The first step is no pain shopping or social media stalking of these two or their relatives or friends. Just stop. One good beginning is to delete the apps on your phone so you can only get social media via computer. Don’t make it easy for yourself. I had problems with obsessing in the car, so I had a playlist on my phone to sing along with and I started listening to good talk radio–local sports, satellite news shows with great interviews, replays of “Forensic Files” on HLN on sat radio. Podcasts and books on CD would help, too. But the big thing is to work on making your own great big life. Let it go. Leave the two of them to their own sad fate.

  • Lilypad, I had a very parallel experience with my ex. She now lives with the guy she cheated with, he left his wife and (grown) kids, I used to think my ex was a great person, and this guy is the epitome of standard rugged/athletic/handsome.

    This quote from you: “I’m just average-looking and feel less than compared to her.”
    Just ponder how inaccurate your assessment is. Looks and level of attractiveness are a subjective mess, but the worst is feeling less than someone who has a standard operating procedure that is terrible. She is dead inside and is already suffering the consequences that she deserves. You already won, and you don’t know it yet.

    I’ve watched karma creeping up on my ex and her boyfriend and I would not like to be them. There is a lot of comedy to be found in people who are standardly attractive get their come uppance. They have had a special societal license that has allowed them a false sense awesomeness. They fall hard.

    • Lilypad, Chumpion is so right. You’ve already won. Your job is to stay true to your ideals and build a new cheater-free life. Don’t worry about them. They’ll get what they deserve.

  • LilyPad, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s agonizing to be discarded by someone you love.

    I get how you feel. The Entitled One didn’t leave me for any particular OW, but for the entire pussy smorgasboard. Still there was one whore in particular, one he was obsessed with for years (probably because I think she turned him down, although she was happy to be the third — or 10th? — person in our marriage by commiserating wtih all his sad sausage stories of how awful I am and how he was trapped in a dead marriage). I googled her a few months ago and nearly gave myself an emotional breakdown. He’d already told me what a wonderful person she is (not), how she’s more fun than I am, and made him feel special. Then I saw her picture — she’s younger, thinner, beautiful, and more successful than I am. And I felt it like a kick to gut. I was wracked with insecurity. There is something deeply humiliating when you feel like the fat frumpy wife compared to the hot young mistress … especially since public stories about relationships like that include assholes commenting, “Well can you blame him?”

    Then I woke up. Now if I feel insecure, I remind myself of what’s really important. So WHAT if she’s a Swedish goddess? She’s a trashy whore who abandoned her family for Charm Boy. Remind yourself of all the things you have that she doesn’t, like integrity and character. That’s who he left because, as people here say, he has the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

  • First, just a comment that I’m sure we have all figured out that seems to have applied here as well — these people never seem ready to leave their marriage unless they at least “think” that they have a ready made relationship with their AP waiting for them on the other side. They never leave if they’re not sure about the AP yet, or if they think they’ll be alone. Until they have an AP that is “ready” for a relationship with them out in reality though, they’ll stick around and use us for their base of stability. It’s completely shitty of them of course, but it also reveals them to be true cowards.

    As to the happiness of the ex-spouse and their AP, it’s one of those mental pretzels that I’ve never been able to figure out. How is it humanly possible to be happy in a relationship with someone when that relationship was initially built on deceiving everyone around them? How will they ever trust one another? Obviously they’ve both demonstrated that they’re each fully capable of lying to their significant other’s face and ditching them if they’re not happy enough – so apparently they both think that they’re so special that that will never happen to them?

    They’re both hard proven selfish liars. You know they both have other potential backup options in mind that they keep from one another (because lord knows they don’t want to end up alone). They both guard their cell phones all day and all night with their lives. Are you really envious of a relationship like that? Having to play the marriage police from day one? It’s exhausting to even think about.

    No thanks.

    • “First, just a comment that I’m sure we have all figured out that seems to have applied here as well — these people never seem ready to leave their marriage unless they at least “think” that they have a ready made relationship with their AP waiting for them on the other side. They never leave if they’re not sure about the AP yet, or if they think they’ll be alone. Until they have an AP that is “ready” for a relationship with them out in reality though, they’ll stick around and use us for their base of stability. It’s completely shitty of them of course, but it also reveals them to be true cowards.”

      To add to Blindside’s comment, this shows what a lowlife that “attractive” woman is (in addition to ditching her children– it doesn’t get much lower than that). Your ex stayed with you until he could find the low hanging fruit that was easy to pluck, so I don’t care what that woman looks like or how happy they seem. They are both clearly soulless and morally bankrupt, and he’s a needy wanker who clearly can’t be on his own. My ex was on Ashley Madison for years before he met someone real (and not an avatar, ha ha) who actually created an account on there and was willing to meet with him. I’m sure our marriage would have ended earlier if he had actually been able to line someone up earlier, but since he’s not a conventionally attractive man and doesn’t have the greatest personality (yeah, I spackled a ton), I don’t think he had women falling all over him, anxious to have an affair with him. He grabbed the first ugly opportunity that spread her legs for him. Do I want that as my life partner? Ew! No thanks!

      Again, this shows me how he had to scrape the bottom of humanity barrel to actually find someone who would be willing to cheat with him (she was also married and has children) and then disrupt their families’ lives together (she moved her kids two hours away from everything they knew in order to move to my town). That, to me, is not a prize. I would never want to be with a man like that– he’s willing to cheat on his wife and destroy his family for me? That’s not love. That’s disordered thinking.

      Also: “When people tell you bad, unacceptable things about themselves? LISTEN! Stop projecting your values on to them, and LISTEN.”

      Thanks for that reminder, CL. I’ve been looking for a mantra for when my ex angers me with his disrespectful behavior toward me, and that seems to fit.

    • After working out my exit strategy, I turned the tables on my cheating ex a little by not being that stable person she would never leave , it drove her crazy , I started by walking away from my job , thus creating alot more time to focus on 3 small children and divorce stuff, and to work on me. This forced her to pick up the financial stuff, I had always had control of the finances. I didn’t tell her strait away that I wanted a divorce , even though that’s what I planned for . She had to start doing extra shifts, the moaning I copped ha, I tried so hard to get her to walk away , go figure she wouldn’t go, the OM couldn’t support her , she even got pregnant to him , to try and get him to commit, he wouldn’t, so then she had an abortion , and the affair crumbled. You know what’s funny she then turned to me and said she was ready to work on us, I was like sorry are you serious! After all I did to make myself a lesser provider. This is a two year affair might I add, I’m like no I don’t think so, I said I’m not an option and never will be. I guess that’s the karma train?

  • You obsess about her looks and your fear that you can’t measure up because it’s natural, because you’re struggling with self esteem anyway, and because it’s an easy distraction from the more painful posts of the grief and that’s what human brains do. It’s common and valid. It’s not true that he looks matter out that she automatically looks better to everyone, but it’s hard to believe it isn’t true because we are all bombarded with media versions of beauty all day every day and it insidiously programs us to think we are ugly if we aren’t like that. We can intellectually know it isn’t true, but that doesn’t soothe the broken and traumatized heart.

    Start the work on self esteem and healing the grief from the loss and betrayal you’ve experienced. This is a PTSD feeling and you need support to work through it.

    My heart goes out to you.

    • Also just found this again:

      “Pretty doesn’t mean good, you know. Life isn’t like fairy tales. Pretty just means that, by accident, you’ve got things arranged on the outside in an extra pleasing manner. It doesn’t tell a thing about the inside.” — Natalie Babbitt, The Eyes of the Amaryllis

  • For so many of us there is the issue of incredulity – of facing the fact that they did something we never thought they would.

    and yet, staring us in the face is that fact that they DID IT, they DID that thing we just knew they were “too good” to do. It causes us to question everything – and often we do….and here is a good place to do so.

    and at some point, the healthy thing is to “trust that they suck”, accept that it really did happen and live. <–this is my goal here…to make progress of properly grieving 29 years with a cheater

  • “He pushed you away — telling me bad things about himself that he knew I would find unacceptable.

    When people tell you bad, unacceptable things about themselves? LISTEN! Stop projecting your values on to them, and LISTEN. If you find these things “unacceptable” and then stick around and accept them? You’re signaling that you are a chump. That your boundaries are open to persuasion. That you’re not terribly certain of your values, or of what people tell you, because you’re deeply invested in your spackle.”

    THIS. This had the be one of the most important and painful lessons I learned. The Entitled One would say things that revealed his character flaws, but were so outrageous I couldn’t believe he was serious. Turns out he was. He was showing me who he is and I refused to believe it for a loooong time.

    • The “bad stuff” my X was willing to confess turned out to be just the very tip of the iceberg. That was even watered down.

    • I figured we all had secrets… so when he said he had sex when he was six or that he has attempted to fondle a boy as a teen-ager or that he was sexually abused by a family member ( at various times during the course of our relationship) I felt pity for the six year old who was not protected. I felt pity for the victim of abuse he received. But the one where he attempted to fondle another boy…I don’t think understood how deep it ran. I think children will experiment with each other but when you hit your teens and are for want of a better word ‘ deviant ‘ the implications are more far reaching. I still can’t say I’d write off anyone who has been abused but I sure will write off anyone who abuses. We are all damaged goods

  • At some point in this journey you will get to the place where you realize that the other person and what they look like just simply doesn’t matter. Seriously.

    I think it’s a town that’s a few miles away from “meh” so it may seem like it’s far off but trust me you’ll get there. Whether these interlopers are older, younger, have bigger appendages, are prettier, uglier, thinner, fatter….something-er, it doesn’t matter. Whatever collective group of outward features they have pales in comparison to their position on the cheater’s “decision tree.” They are the lowest hanging fruit, sometimes rotten enough that they have fallen off the tree. They take no effort which is why they are an easy choice.

    Higher up on that decision tree are traits like integrity, honesty and courage. All traits that our cheaters sorely lack. It takes more effort to be with people who act with integrity so cheaters go for what’s easy. And even though they may be able to put up a good front for a while, the water eventually rises to its own level. They choose whatever takes the lowest amount of effort on their part.

    And that’s why what this woman looks like doesn’t matter. It could’ve been anyone and it probably will be again. As long as they take little or no effort, they will be attractive to this man. Your ex boyfriend went for the lowest of lowest hanging fruits. Someone who could easily walk away from their children to fulfill their twisted desires. Yuck.

    You didn’t marry him. You didn’t have children with him. Take some comfort in that. Learn from this choice and work on why you didn’t feel you deserved better than him. That’s the only mystery that any chump needs to solve.

    • This is a great comment, cheaterssuck. Like all of us here, you loved a person who didn’t exist. You attributed honesty, integrity, and decency to him because that’s who YOU are. Instead of putting your slimy ex and his skanky AP on a pedestal and imagining they have such a great life, you need to put YOURSELF on that pedestal. YOU are the decent, amazing person. And don’t mourn the loss of the future you imagined, because you can still have all of it, but better because next time you’ll pick a partner who loves and respects you and wants you to be happy.

      I spent 31 years (and two kids) with a person just like your ex, all the while projecting upon him my own honesty, decency, and integrity. My biggest regret is that I didn’t recognize him for who he was at your age. Not that I would change a thing at this point, because I have the best kids in the world, but it’s painful to fantasize how life could have gone had I changed course at 30 and chosen someone who actually loved and respected me instead of just pretending. You have that chance!

    • Cheaterssuck-the “decision tree” and “going for what’s easy” is the best explanation I’ve heard yet for “opportunistic” cheating. The comment about obsessing about the OM/OW being a town past “meh” made a lot of sense, too.

      • BTW: “going for what’s easy” is my paraphrase of Cheaterssuck’s explanation and quotes on “opportunistic” are there for emphasis (I don’t really believe so much in opportunity as in the character of the person seizing the “opportunity”…or not). I am conscientious…prone to blaming myself…which is precisely why Cheaterssuck’s post was so helpful to me.

  • Lilypad

    You can’t believe he’s still with her after a year. She appears happy. She abandoned her children. He abandoned you. She sucks. He sucks.

    Cheating has to do with a lack of class, morals, and overall character. Compare yourself to that. You have morals, integrity, and class.

    I’ve been thinking a great deal about abandonment since The Limited recently stated that I was ‘rotten and mean’ and took credit for our children ‘taking after’ him. Abandoning requires both thought and action on the part of the cheater. My children and I were abandoned each and every time he looked, thought about, texted, called, and slept with a skank. Cheaters are never ‘in’ a relatiinship with anyone.

    Size, looks, age, and wealth have nothing to do with it. You lost an asshole who lacks common decency. He found someone who shares his lack of morals and integrity. Two superficial losers are still together? Equals.

    You were abandoned. That is painful. The pain is finite. They are not worthy of the power you are giving them. Take it back. They will never have what you have, a conscience, empathy, or the ability to love deeply.

    • “Abandoning requires both thought and action on the part of the cheater. My children and I were abandoned each and every time he looked, thought about, texted, called, and slept with a skank.”

      This is how I feel 100%!!! I say this all the time.

      And it’s what my STBX doesn’t understand, or at least, doesn’t want to hear. He thinks he’s Mister ChangedMan since he’s been sober now since DDay (a whopping 7 weeks), and he thinks he deserves the house and only half the debt ($6000 of which was blown in Vegas in about 4 hours one drunken night…during a work trip) and 50/50 time with our 7 YO daughter.

      Now, I firmly believe she needs time with him, but those choices he made to abandon his family time after time after time after time…eww…who is to say that won’t happen again in some other respect? That he won’t choose something more instantly gratifying than choosing to make the right choice for his child? I don’t want his character to affect her anymore than it has to. Yuck.

    • Yes, Doingme, we would never think that it made sense for a cheater to “trade” his or her own kids for the AP’s kids. We know that’s all kinds of screwed up. But we don’t apply the same logic to ourselves. There’s a type of disordered person who just quits and moves on. Some of them like the “rescue” fantasies they attach to the APs. It’s all a con.

  • I have seen this scenario so many times throughout my life and every relationship that started out “less than honorable” ends up in the trash. Initially they may be floating on air, somewhat of an intoxicating high and have the “us against the world” bond but they crash and crash hard. May take a few years, but the longer the better as at least one person in the dishonorable relationship, if not both, are miserable.

    • Two people so selfish that they break up families and are dishonest in their current relationships will never be able to make a happy long-term union. Never.

  • You have to also keep in mind that people typically portray only the good on social media. They use social media to paint a picture of what they want to look like to the world. Anything you see about your Ex and the Blonde on social media is likely to be the sugar-coated rose-colored-glasses view of things.

    Also, I am sure that your Ex painted the OW as someone fabulous… and that is mainly because he would never tell you that he left you for a woman with herpes, who has a farting problem, and an unhealthy addiction to sniffing gasoline. Lets be real here, he wants you to feel like shit.

    Further more… the OW knows you are checking out her stuff. She thrives off of your pain and suffering. She feels good about herself by feeling like she ‘won’ and like ‘she is better than you.’ Dont give her that power!!!!

    The best revenge you can have is to move on and have a happy life!!

  • The OW in my case was pretty average looking. Not horrible like I hoped, and not near as hot as I initially imagined. In fact, she looks like your average middle-aged white lady. A little pudgie in the midsection, probably wears Pandora brackets, can smell a bargain a mile away, trolls Costco in her minivan type.

    I came to the conclusion that her and my now X really are better suited for each other. He looks like a normal average dude and she matches. The rest of the planet doesn’t know what they really are, but me and her x-husband do. They’re wearing their masks, but eventually, they will come flying off.

    Try not to waste too much time comparing yourself to a women that can bail on her children for your cheating X. Like the others have said, image management is a big deal to these people. They like the world to think everything is perfect. Eventually, they blow everything up. It’s just how they operate.

  • Similar story here – after a big devaluation, a slow, painful, manipulative discard. Wife 2.0 looks like me and is younger by a few years. It bothered me for a while, but here’s what’s freaky – she’s got a boob job, eye job, and botox. He’s youth-obsessed, so I think it’s likely her alterations will continue if she wants to keep his self-image happy.

    He blew up her prior marriage, where she had child. He hates children. So, they’ve got that going for them in the character department. Daughter is since grown and moved out, but I feel bad for what must have been hellish teenage years for her. This is the guy that once gave his overweight sister a scale for Christmas.

    As for saying damaging things about himself? “Actually, I thought having a Stepford wife would be kinda cool.”

    What once felt like the worse thing in the world to me was actually the universe pushing me away from an oncoming train.

    Lilypad, don’t spend any more precious time pain shopping and get happy in your own perfect skin. Sending you hugs for the pain you’re feeling now.

    • “What once felt like the worse thing in the world to me was actually the universe pushing me away from an oncoming train.”

      That statement is incredibly comforting to me as I get closer and closer to the Meh stage.

    • Great insights, Minchiata.

      Mine, too, is youth-obsessed and hates kids but is now with a woman with an 8- and 10-year old. I mainly feel sorry for the kids; X didn’t treat his own children well so I can’t imagine he’s great with someone else’s staying in the house every other week.

  • “She was married and left her husband and two kids to be with my now ex.”

    Lilypad – The jealousy and obsession are normal when you’ve been dumped for someone else. It hurts. But if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. Also, everyone deserves to be with a man (or woman) that adores them and you could leave them in a room full of models and he’d still want you. I had an ex-boyfriend like that who adored me. We ended up being incompatible in terms of our core values, but we adored each other. We were at a party once, and I was standing apart from him, but enough to hear and see this interaction. A tall leggy blonde beautiful woman just threw herself at my bf at the time, so much so that her red lipstick ended up staining his white shirt. Immediately he told her that he wasn’t interested and that he was with me! He then came to stand next to me and hugged me so tight. It was one of the best moments of my life! I knew from that moment on, that I was with a real man. That’s the kind of man each woman deserves to have. If your ex bf will leave you for her, then that’s on him, and you don’t need a loser like this, who lies to you and can’t even tell you how he really feels. He’s a douche.

  • Lilypad like you I was obsessed with OW for a long time and because, in my country, she’s a fairly well known socialite,whatever the fuck that is,I got to see her photo in newspapers,magazines and on line.
    I’ve said this here before I know, but strangely for me it was worse that she was a lot older than me,less attractive,surgically enhanced and with a lot of messy baggage.Her chosen career path was to marry a succession of wealthy men.I always felt it would have been easier to accept what happened if she’d been a stunning,much younger,highly accomplished woman rather than a gold digging ,face lifted grannie.I’m not sure if anyone can identify with those feelings I had.Some of my friends thought it was crazy of me to feel that way.
    I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to do everything you can to evict them from your head and that means avoiding seeing them/ her or anything about them.Do your best to obliterate them from your consciousness and in time you will realise,as I did,that she took a lying,cheating,horrible piece of shit off your hands.What kind of woman abandons her own children? She may sparkle on the outside but underneath is an ugly heart.

    • I’m sorry to read this Deedee. I always wondered how Princess Diana felt when Chuckles preferred that ogre Camilla over her, when Diana was so beautiful, classy and amazing. I guess water seeps to its own level.

      • This is a great example of “it’s not you, it’s them”… like I mean, c’mon… Princess Diana wasn’t enough for you? Was she not loading the dishwasher right? Would love to hear his ‘stupid shit cheaters say’ list of ‘reasons’. She spent too much time with cancer kids and not enough time with him? What a royal douchebag…

    • My Shithead abandoned me and his family for a woman 10 years older than myself, who’d never had any kind of a career, who’d divorced an “abusive husband” (seeing she had no qualms about sleeping with my married family man, I now question this “fact”) 10-12 years ago (coincidentally the same period of time she and Shithead worked together and he started helping “the poor woman” out with household projects as “she had no one else to turn to).

      I’m sure she made him out to be her hero, her rescuer, her knight in shining armor and he ate that shit up because, of course, I didn’t appreciate him!! Oh, and did I mention she has no children or any family, leaving her with her full attention able to be devoted to waiting on Shithead and lavishing him with the attention he believes he’s so richly entitled to; nothing of her own to distract her from his awesomeness!

      Fuck ’em both. I hope she’s on her knees (that too, but not where I’m going) praying her little hypocritical Christian heart out for forgiveness because she knows the only place she may get any is from her god.

  • Her own children won’t speak to her. There’s your answer right there. NEVER EVER be jealous of the woman whose own CHILDREN find her so abhorrent they won’t speak to her. She is ugly on the inside.

    I understand the obsession, though. I am obsessed with the OW, and I am much more beautiful than she is. This is a fact. I am very pretty, I have worked as a model. I am also very successful in my chosen career (NOT modeling). She is mousy looking and can’t even make her scam job (“life coaching”) pay the bills. In the emails I uncovered, she would “confess” to my husband that my beauty and success made her feel inadequate, and beg him to tell her horrible things about me so she could feel better.

    I spend a lot of time bemoaning the fact that she was his “type” — i.e., she bore a vague resemblance to all his favorite actresses, whereas I do not. But the facts remain: I am more beautiful and talented and successful than she is. Didn’t stop him from cheating. In fact, it probably helped.

    THEY are the broken horrible ones. She left her CHILDREN. She’s a monster.

  • Everything you say resonates with me Allie.I had a real,worthwhile career,the OW married rich men to fund her lifestyle.
    So many beautiful women I can think of who were cheated on….Christie Brinkley,Halle Berry.
    My ex had a smorgasbord of very average looking pussy on the go simultaneously before final OW.
    It’s character disorder that drives these men.Nothing to do with our looks or beauty.We just picked personality disordered wingnuts.

    • “It’s character disorder that drives these men.Nothing to do with our looks or beauty.We just picked personality disordered wingnuts.”

      Deedee- Your post is spot on!! I had a neighbor who was married to his wife. The wife cheated on him and abandoned her 3 kids to be with an unemployed bum. He was so ugly too, looked like a crystal meth addict, prolly on drugs too. Her husband was so respectful, had a great job, great guy overall, and he would tell his wife to get her act together, she had issues. So his wife left him, for someone disordered just like her, because she felt more adequate with him, than her actual husband who was an upstanding citizen. Quite often, it’s nothing about looks, but associating with someone at your level of trashiness.

      • Or below it…..because the Downgrade looks like me, pretty much, but after three weeks at Coachella. Thanks for the insight Kellia-it doesn’t make their snorting my life savings any easier, but it does explain it……

  • Lilypad- Be the best you for you. If you are feeling insecure about your looks: Change it up a bit! See if it makes you feel better. Take the focus off of the tall blonde and work on you, inside and out. Turn the page. The ex and his tramp are history.

  • I truthfully thought I wrote this- however my ex’s girlfriend is not blonde or tall, she is dark and short- but beautiful and the perfect body. I know and understand completely how it feels, but you have to remind yourself the things that you were told above. All of it’s true. Hang in there.

  • ChumpLady is correct. You time would be better spent on why you didn’t break up with him when he began treating you badly. Dating is the time do find out who people are. You dodged a bullet.

  • I agree with Lola Granola, cheaters never trade up. Despite their looks, age, weight, height, income, education, whatever, they are so lacking in what really matters, that it’s always a downgrade.

    Except to wonder what the hell my ex could have been possibly thinking when he had an affair with this particular OW, I have not given her any particular thought or interest. I know who she is and some particulars, such as a history of being the OW, two small children, etc. Sometimes I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and I will wake up one morning and become obsessive about her. That happened to me with my rage. The divorce became final and all those emotions I had been holding in to get through it exploded. I’m mostly done with rage because it takes too much work. I still smile thinking of ex sticking his dick in a wasps nest (Grey’s Anatomy episode) and getting hundreds of stings, or him getting some horrible STD that makes his balls enlarge until they explode from the pressure (sorry to our male chumps for the imagery).

    I just don’t know if my lack of thought about her is because she is unimportant to my story or if it’s delayed and like the rage, it will come. I think what has helped me a little in that regard is knowing that with 28 years of marriage and all that shared history, plus two adult children, she will always feel she has to do the pick-me dance for him. Even years after I’ve reached meh I think she will still be dancing because where there’s a cheater, there’s doubt.

  • I read somewhere that perhaps 3-5% of the population can be considered to be classically beautiful or handsome, and appealing to just about everyone. I’m not sure how true this is but it sounds reasonable.

    The odds the adultery partner is one of the Chosen Few in most cases is very low. Usually, a lot of them are trolls in appearance from what I’ve seen. But I’ve always heard “You don’t fuck the face.”. Cheaters are looking for easy ass, and if they do chance on a physically attractive person to cheat with, that’s just sheer luck.

    But none of that matters! Beautiful or handsome people aren’t any better, happier, whatever-er than their plainer counterparts. Beauty is only skin deep but ugly is to the bone! And it fades very quickly. Just look at the sad array of ” celebrities ” who have depended on their looks and the lengths they go to trying to preserve them as they get older. They end up looking like clowns, or mummies, or just weird and pathetic.

  • I, too, struggle with obsessive jealousy about the same kind of woman whom your asshat chose — a tall, leggy, Scandinavian looking blonde. At those times, it’s HARD to care that she is a classless wonder, a person I’d disdain if I met her in any other circumstance, and pathetic.

    It does not help that she posts more selfies than Kim Kardashian, nor that my husband’s friends and her people mention her beauty in almost every reply to her posts. She IS pretty. I’m attractive in a much different way. But at those moments, it doesn’t matter.

    A week after proposing to me, my husband started his 5-year affair with her. He was with her when we got married. And for years after that. D-day was not long ago… sort of. Long story, I’m new to posting and hesitant. (Sorry, this post IS really long.)

    So when I find myself hijacked by jealousy about her, her looks, and how in the hell to stand both the whole mess and my unhelpful obsessing, I have a trick that works often, which is hella better than nothing. Maybe you could try it.

    The trick: I pull out of my wallet a short TYPED list. (Don’t use your own handwriting. It’s not as “outside yourself” as typeset, and the point is to get outside of the loop). The list:

    • Obsessing? Jealous? Okay — normal, understandable, AND not helping. Let’s change that.

    • Jealousy is easier than agony over betrayal. You don’t have to face that agony right this second. But you’ve got to get away from this loop of insanity.

    • She is a classless wonder, pathetic, and disgusting. You are not. Stick with your own kind, attention included.

    • Stop. IT DOESN’T MATTER. STOP. Go research something interesting on the internet. Vacuum. Grab old plates and cups and head for the brick wall outside and throw as hard as you can.

    • She AND he are classless wonders, contemptible, and pathetic. You’re NOT. Be you. Because if you aren’t you, on some psychological level, you’re letting them win. Letting losers win? Oh hell to the no!

    Obviously, your list will look different. Main elements:

    1) notice and acknowledge what you’re doing;

    2) turn down the panic level that’s driving the urge to be jealous instead of to grieve by giving yourself room to put the grieving on TEMPORARY hold;

    3) give yourself a kick in the ass out of the loop by re-drawing the picture of her in your head – list how she’s repugnant (and wow do you have a lot of ammunition);

    4) tell yourself to stop, give yourself suggestions about what else to do, and tell yourself to stop again;

    5) close the loop by reframing BOTH him and her in terms that your friends, or people on this forum, or you in your best-self moments, might use.

    I wish you luck. And I’m so sorry you have to deal with his shit. I’m also furious those fuckwits get to take up room on the planet. Kind of like cockroaches.

    • “A week after proposing to me, my husband started his 5-year affair with her. He was with her when we got married.”

      I’m so sorry Claire. You seem like a wonderful person. But why the F- didn’t your husband propose to her instead and leave you alone? I mean really. You must have been more useful to your husband at the time than she was.

      • Thanks, Kellia. You are very sweet. I had no idea until pretty recently. He wants to stay. Says he’s always wanted to stay. Is completely full of shit.

        He says he married me because, his words (from messages he sent me):

        “You are and have always been the love of my life … There is no one like you. You’re kind, pretty, fierce, accomplished, and smarter than anyone I’ve ever known.” (Uh, clearly NOT on that last one, or I wouldn’t be here.)

        Why the affair? (And other emotional abuse, including the best gaslighting I’ve ever seen.) Aaah … here is where CL, CN and all of you SAVED ME (while lurking), and I couldn’t be more grateful. I was damn near over the edge.

        Apparently I failed two “you owe me b/c I did X for you” tests. Plus, years ago, I had hurt him and not properly atoned. He was, therefore, “not himself” and “not well” because he was lonely, hurt, angry, and betrayed by me. I turned him into a monster, in other words.

        I tried often to talk to him about all of it. I got us into MC, where he flat out lied, and now admits he was there only to prove a point (i.e. that my failure to pass his tests was intentional lying and malevolence). I begged him to meet me on a tiny bit of common ground, because one of the tests was impossible if done exactly his way, but I’d come up with an alternative. My efforts? Immaterial. He didn’t get his bottom line. (And I think the implication is that I am both the but-for and proximate cause of his evisceration of me.)

        It’s eerie how lost I got, how lost I am … The proverbial frog in boiling water…

        … because I once said, giving a speech to a large crowd, “There really are perpetrators. There really are victims. The worst sort of perpetrators? Perpetrators who think they are victims.”

        • Omg, Claire, what your husband wrote in texts to you is literally verbatim what I have in texts and emails from mine. I am so, so sorry. I know how it feels to be trying so hard to work through the mental and emotional sludge, while dealing with messages like that. Ugh.

    • So she stuck with your ex after he married you?!! Sounds rather pathetic to me. Also, I would not take FB comments about how “pretty” she is to heart. Every time a FB friend posts a selfie, a whole bunch of FB’ers will comment on how pretty she is, etc. Not to be mean but most of the people posting selfies are no oil paintings. I don’t know what makes me cringe more, the unattractive person posting the selfie or the idiots commenting on her “beauty”.

      • KB22 – You are so right about the pretty comments. Every time anyone posts a selfie, the FB friends flock around the photo and will post how beautiful she is and how amazing she looks. And when I look at the photo, I’m wondering what they hell they are seeing. The person is disheveled, has coffee stains on her shirt, and looks like she just came out of a tornado, yet her virtual friends will quip: “so beautiful”, gorgeous, stunning. I just laugh. It’s not even close to reality. And you’re right, the person ain’t no oil painting, lol.

        • Both of you made me laugh out loud, which is pretty rare these days. “No oil paintings” and “I’m wondering what the hell they are seeing.” I’m still giggling.

          No, she really is very pretty. She probably could be an oil painting. It’s mostly okay, because it is not the real issue.

          I have found that on social media, the hordes go along with some people who shamelessly encourage whatever amazing attribute they have or believe they have. This situation is made more hideous because many of our mutual friends knew but, unbeknownst to me, felt sorry for the outward good guy who had successfully convinced them I was an abusive and mentally ill wife. I’m telling you, he’s good. Those people continue to reply to her posts, and to mention her beauty. No, I don’t talk to them. I don’t get it.

          The real issue LilyPad raises: what happened such that a strong person of good character and a core of good values could be reduced to accepting abuse, and then to obsessing over ROTTEN remnants of that acceptance, including blonde women who are horrific human beings and marginal to our existence? What made it possible to be a chump? Most important, what am I going to do to cope with what happened, and reconstruct or modify yourself so that it never happens again? Ever. Again.

          • Chalk this up to a hard learning experience and the next relationship (and there will be a next relationship) if you find yourself making excuses for a guy or he is too good to be true (none of us are perfect) take a step back and honestly assess this situation. It sounds like your ex is a slick sociopath and the woman he is involved with would have to have serious mental issues to go along with his agenda. Let his minions fall all over them and buy into their BS, you don’t need them or their crazy.

  • My STBXW left me for my ex-best friend. He is a fat ass, a full blown narcissist. My STBXW was the “hottie” thin blond and he is fat. But he always bragged about having money (he doesn’t, his dad has money)

    But looks like the attention from other men made her decide to screw over her marriage. But like I said, she broke up our family (2 kids) and he broke up his family (also 2 kids). He was together for 25 years with his wife (since school days) and she (the narc’s wife is an awesome lady). I would have never though he would leave his wife.. but I didn’t know about narcissist. I learned a boat load last year about it.. and he did show signs (as well as my STBXW)

    Cheaters are evil people. They can fake their smiles, but I think somewhere deep deep down inside they must feel ashamed… but looking at the picture, I doubt these people have empathy/sympathy. They just fake it all the way… and would destroy marriages in a heartbeat for their own gain.

    But like others said… I honestly think my STBXW would dump her affair partner in a heartbeat if a richer guy comes along… the affair partner will have to show his worth now. She is not my problem anymore , hoora!

    And I honestly don’t envy him. He is fake , and so is she.

    • Two narcissists ending up together, you could not have planned a better revenge. Should be great entertainment when they split up. I am currently watching a pair of narcissistic (they blew up two families to be together) cheaters divorce, not pretty but pretty goddamn amusing.

      • It’s actually nice when they turn on each other. Everything is hunky dory when they are battling the chump. But once she’s out of the dynamic, it’s just a matter of time before they turn on each other. It usually never fails.

        • KB22 – is anyone else bamboozled by these two? I mean, obviously, outside the people whom they have devastated. Is anyone else you know also watching these two Ns and thinking as you are? (I’m really curious about whether or not Ns get detected.)

          • Rats, I posted in reverse order.

            SDK, Ns and shame is still a dicey topic for me. The research I’ve seen actually makes shame the basis of NPD, and not a few researchers are asking that we view narcissists with compassion. I’m not in the mood to have compassion, thanks. But, as you note, almost all or all lack empathy, from lacking quite a bit to lacking it totally.

            Your best fiend/friend? And THAT’s whom she chose? You and XBF’s wife must have lived through hell while you were with them, then worse afterwards. I’m heartened to see your comment, “she is not my problem anymore, hoora!”

            • There is mounting evidence from George Simon, Martha Stout and others that narcs actually have *high* self-esteem and precious little shame. This dovetails nicely with research from Baumeister that bullies, too, have high (not low) self-esteem. Too high self-esteem, coupled with low empathy and poor impulse control leads to cheating, bullying, etc.

              The “I have low self-esteem” bullshit is just the “pity” part of the charm-pity-rage cycle, and is perhaps the most effective for getting other people to do what you want.

            • @ClairS

              Yip the end part sucked big time. But I think my STBXW had an affair few years ago (I don’t have proof). But I remember her acting very funny for a few months (and she moved out on a stage).

              So I’m happy I’m almost rid of her. She is just fighting me for more child support (she is actually making me pay her car under disguise of “for the children”). Greedy selfish person she is, and I expected for year, she just prove to me I was right about her all along.

          • ClaireS, I actually knew the cheater from childhood. I was his younger brother’s age, who is a high functioning successful narc. The cheater was successful as well but once he tossed aside his lovely wife and two kids for a low life stripper who actually left her decent, solid husband to become a stripper. He basically stagnated in his career, was passed over for promotions and that ate at him. So to answer your question, many people knew what they were but kissed their asses anyway. To sum it up as best I know, he was miserable for years, she hung on for dear life but he ended up discarding her anyway. Now she brings up karma in the sense that “he’ll get his” not referring to her actions of breaking up two families. So to answer your question about everyone else thinking as I do, quite a few are smirking and having a laugh behind their backs but they are being very supportive on Facebook. Crazy.

        • Ah yes, watching narcs implode in real time, not hearing about it later on is entertaining. An old friend gave me the head’s up on the “couple”. Of course we all talked about what a shock it was when he left his wife and kids and eventually married a stripper. We come from a rather conservative background and his whole family always had their noses up in the air, always perfect. Great grades in school, he was captain of the football team although I never would have considered him a great athlete but definitely a leader. I lived out of state for many years but when I came back I of course heard all the gossip. I think he loved the shock value of marrying the stripper but true to narc fashion grew bored. While both were still married to their previous spouses they flaunted their relationship, quite cruel to their soon to be exes. Now he is “no contact” with her and she can only get through to him via Facebook posts. She goes from victim to slut (bragging about sleeping with other men) to pissed off to “profound” reflection. Quite desperate as well as hilarious. The only concern is that she does have an adult kid and that kid must be mortified by the mother’s behavior on Facebook. I suppose the kid is use to the erratic behavior but still…………

          • @kb22.

            Wow.. that is quite a story.he he.. love it when narcs get bored.

            I’m quite surprised. These narcs wait for years (first marriage , kids) and then BAM!! They go nuts. My ex-best friend (the affair partner) did exactly as what the man in the story did (just not stripper). Conservative background, good grades etc… married his high school girlfriend. That was 20 years ago.. and he turned on a dime now.

            But his stbxw (awesome lady).. told me what went on behind closed doors. Crazy narc stuff. And at the end he pulled the 2 kids (9,12) into the divorce, asking them which girl must he date now (showing them pictures on facebook). Call him the vending machine of lies… he lies about everything since the divorce started

            I haven’t heard about latest , but I’m amazed that a guy I knew could blow up his family for a little bit of action. He was always living the motto of happy wife happy life (in front of people).. but he turns and do this.

            So narcs hide among us for year (20+)…

            • Absolutely narcs hide among us. While most of them love to portray themselves as upstanding, decent folk, the truth is they are dark souls and never feel true happiness or feel much of anything. I think they do thrive on chaos and love drama. That is why I urge cheated on spouses to go no contact and do not engage in the drama as it is one way to really frustrate narcs.

  • Lilypad,
    I guess I would prefer to be in your shoes…because the OW in my case is also blonde.. That’s the only similarity. My OW is also a foul-mouthed, snaggle toothed benefits cheat who last weighed in at (by her own description on her blog) at 22 stone (pounds equivalent = 14×22=308!).

    She has just spawned three babies (supposedly fathered by Ex) in under three years and writes the most sanctimonious Mommy blog you can imagine. Her tacky life is (in her estimation) reason to brag, but not hard to see through.

    I never stop to wonder why he would prefer her over a well educated professional, who is a marathon runner and earns 100k+. Perhaps it’s because he felt inferior. He often said he “didn’t deserve me” but I didn’t listen when I should have.

    Maybe your guy just is in the business of trading up. He’ll get his own karma delivery for hooking up with a cheater. My theory is these idiots operate in a denial vacuum, sometimes for entire duration of their affair. They thrive on the attention, the arm candy, and the thrill of stolen property. Sort of like swanning about in an expensive car…who cares? She will dump him for someone better. Don’t be fooled by the smile. Anyone whose own kids have written them off has to have a sad go of it … In her case it’s just delayed.

  • Look at it this way:

    Her own children want nothing to do with her. Who’s going to wipe her ass when she’s too old to do it herself?

    She won’t be laughing then.

  • I’m a tall blonde and the thing my ex was shagging when I found out he’d cheated (I found out about a different one and didn’t know he’d moved on) was a short, fat, ugly little troll.
    In the end it doesn’t matter who they’re cheating with – it’s all the same disorder. OP try to block all images of your ex and his troll on social media. Don’t give them free space in your head because you can guarantee they aren’t angsting about you. It’s hard to break the habit of thinking about them but you do need to work hard on this for your own sanity.

  • I think about my ex-wife’s affair partner all the time. My ex knew that he was fucking another married woman when she chose to start her affair with him. He currently has a girlfriend and she’s perfectly content to be his backdoor girl.

    Yeah, they’re both disgusting people.

    I make no mistake about it. I know that my wife is primarily to blame for the affair and for the collapse of our marriage. She’s responsible for the damage that has been done to my children.

    But …

    He isn’t at all innocent in this either. And someday, some beautiful, blessed fucking day, I’m going to be in the same room as him. I’m going to get that chance because life is very, very good and somebody owes me one. When it happens, I need to give some serious thought as to how I’m going to behave. Am
    I going to let it go or am I going to kick the ever-living dogshit out of him?

    I don’t know which of those two I’ll pick. I don’t know how I’ll handle it.

    Okay, yeah, maybe I do know.

  • Our cheaters are disordered. It is about them. Not us or anybody else. I keep repeating that to myself. Because I am the tall, skinny blonde attorney who appeared to have had it all. He left me for trash. But it’s not about the trash. It wouldn’t have made it any better or worse if she had been more attractive and/or had more money or anything else. They all suck. Sleeping around while married? When it is so easy (relatively anyway) to get a divorce? They can all kiss my ass.

  • I did this too for a long time. In my situation I am the tall, thin, leggy blonde and she is short, chubby with dark hair the total opposite of me so I told myself that was the reason – she was just something new and totally different from me. And he didn’t go after her she went after him and went pretty hard she was very persistent- she told me this herself and I seen the phone records too. I hate her more than my ex! This whore was my neighbor and supposed to be my friend. I will never understand it and don’t think I will ever heal from it!

    • Wow, she was your neighbor and friend. That’s awful. This happened to my friend. She was married with 3 kids under the age of 8. And her husband left her, for her very best friend. Total opposite in terms of looks, but the best friend pursued the husband. She needed help with her leaky faucet, she needed help with her washing machine that wasn’t working, she needed help hanging this frame, other b.s. item. And lo and behold, he fell in love with her. He left his wife and 3 kids to be with this skank.

      • Oh Kellia that is awful!! We have 3 kids too! It’s really hard to get over when it’s with your friend! I know it’s hard no matter what! But once the shock wears off and you start remembering all the little things that was going on right under your nose it’s almost impossible to forget! I’m trying to move on and I wish I didn’t think about it but I still do all the damn time! All time has done for me is make me realize all that shit that was right in front of me – but that’s how I figured it out? I have thoughts and memories that just come to me out of nowhere all the time! And I think oh that’s why she said that that day or that’s why he did that! They both suck!

      • What is it with the damsel in distress routine? I handled everything for him, the kids, the house, etc. All he had to do was go to work and come home at night which proved too much for him eventually. AP/New wife is completely helpless. She is very young and very pretty but putting up with an adult who needs looking after and assistance like a toddler would negate everything else for me.

        • Yes, men seem to fall for the damsel in distress thing. It makes them feel empowered somehow and the hero. But what the heck do I know…

        • Oh God, I did that too. Handled everything for him. Codependent, chumpy me.

          I’ve only been living on my own for a year now — first time in my life — and being alone is vastly better than being with a “partner” who thinks you exist to do all the adult shit that’s too boring for his awesomeness.

  • Years ago, I read a book set at the time automobiles were new in the U.S., about a young woman left to support her brother after her widowed mother dies. She is engaged to the town rich boy, who is very handsome and sought-after, even after their engagement. Complications ensue, and the fiancé wasn’t her to outsource her responsibilities and just be an ordinary young wife after they marry. She thinks at one point that if she closes her eyes, she can think past his very handsome face and make his outsides match his insiders, he is a bland, average-looking stubborn person who wants his own way. In other words, judge attractiveness not by what people present on the outside, but what their actions say about their inside–their character.

  • So this is interesting. I just went down a big rabbit hole reading about oxytocin. One fact that I came across was that people (usually women) can release oxytocin up to two years after a pairing has ended. LilyPad – it seems like maybe you are still bonded to your Ex in some ways. Your letter focuses very much on why you are not still together… “what does she have that I don’t” and “She seems so happy with him”… like somehow you are still paired with him. But he’s not paired with you and it hurts every time you see them on FB acting like the perfect couple. Perhaps this is why they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else 😉 By seeing them on social media it may be perpetuating this experience.

    It’s super, super hard to get your mind around the fact that a partner that you really loved and cared for could just discard you and your life like an old pair of shoes. I have just finished my divorce and lots of people say “Well, he’s going to realize what a mistake he made and reach out someday.” I don’t think so. From reading here with CN, when these folks do the discard, they give no more thought to the emotional havoc they leave behind than I do when I toss an old pair of running shoes. Since you or I would never treat someone so horribly, it’s really hard to get your head around someone who would do such a thing. And other people it’s even harder for them to understand. They sort of cast around trying to dream up a reason why someone would do something so horrible. And no one usually lands on “Well, he’s a soulless asshole who is completely self involved, what are you going to do?”

    But there you go I think… you are still bonded to him in some ways and you need to move through that. You need to grieve the end of the relationship. Not get stuck trying to figure out a why or a how if you were just thinner, or blonder, or smarter, or funnier, or more intellectual, or less intellectual… or… or… you would still be together. You shouldn’t want to be with him. He’s horrible. and this goes hand in hand with really understanding that he discarded you. I’m not saying it’s fair, or kind, or right, or any of that. But he discarded you and your relationship. That’s horrible, but as we can all testify… it’s a thing that a certain super sucky subset of the population will do. Their brains are broken, they make horrible choices and treat people like items to be used and discarded. This is not what you want or deserve.

    • “Well, he’s going to realize what a mistake he made and reach out someday.”

      Why would these people say this to you, I mean who cares if he reached out to you? it’s not like you’re going to take him back after he betrayed you like that and treated you so horribly. So who cares whether he contacts you, what matters is how strong you’ll shut the door in his face, break his nose and a few teeth for what he put you through. And would you want a loser like that if he does come back? And the entire thing is not a mistake, your ex made choices to discard you and it’s so rejecting. So whoever is telling you these lines, are clueless and not in touch with reality. I guess they mean to say that you are valuable and your ex will realize that someday and come back. But we all know that if these losers do come back, it’s because they need something from us, and it’s certainly not because they realized our worth and a value. Had they known that, they would have never discarded us the way they did so hurtfully.

      • I think people mean well. Keep in mind that for a lot of these people, he has discarded them as well. These disordered fuck-wits don’t limit their horrible devaluing behavior to just their spouse. I have friends (a married couple), we were among the very few people at their wedding in Hawaii and we were specifically invited to be their witnesses/attendants. These were good friends who we enjoyed hanging out with. Then when ExH lost his mind, he turned on them, devalued them, treated them like shit, and discarded them just like he did to me. They are wounded too. Not in the same way, but they are also trying to understand what the hell happened and trying to make sense of it. At least they get where I’m coming from. They at least agree with me “yeah, it’s like a switch was flipped and he became an asshole overnight.” Of course in hindsight, he was always an asshole, he just didn’t hide it anymore because he didn’t care.

        I think people are trying to basically say “Yeah girl, not sure what happened but from what I can see, you did what you could and I don’t know what the problem is.” I think they are trying to be nice and give me an ego boost and say “his loss”. Which is nice I think.

  • The first OW that I found out about was a troll- overweight, bad facial piercings and cheap tattoos. Number two was a ” friend” of ours- very loud, also heavyset, average looking. Number 3, who is really number 1 that I never knew about is ok looking,but officially has borderline personality disorder. I am small, thin, and once upon a time I was pretty. Now I’m 48 and I dye my hair purple and no longer give a fuck. He obviously had a thing for crazy chicks with big boobs-why the hell did he marry me?we’ll never know, because his story changes each time.

  • Wow. Just wow. In my case the OW is nine years older than me (the same age as the ex), has long gray stringy hair, and a wart on her nose. Looks just like a witch.

    She’s married and her husband still does not know (their affair started over two years ago; I discovered the affair one year ago this week) that the two of them have been having an emotional affair all this time, which became a sexual affair while we were travelling with them in Italy last spring. The husband just thinks they are “close friends” and when the ex told him that I was jealous of his wife, wrote saying “he couldn’t understand how the ex could life with someone so distrusting. ” Seriously, this blew my mind.

    The ex is now planning on the OW coming over to this country so the two of them can go on a cross-country road trip. How she’s explaining this to her husband, I have no idea. I’ve since learned that this is a second marriage for him and her and that his first wife committed suicide. She moved in with him six months later. His kids did not speak to her for over a year.

    Something tells me this is not her first rodeo. Thankfully, he’s now her rodeo clown, not mine. Now he’s living the best of both worlds — long distance affair where she thinks he’s perfect because she isn’t living with him day-to-day. And he gets to tell people he’s traveling to Europe with his girlfriend, and her husband, who he calls his new best friend.

    As he once said to me, “she lives 4,000 MILES AWAY and is devoted to her husband and will never leave him so what’s your problem if I have an affair with her?”

    My response? I now live 5,000 MILES AWAY. On the other side of the country.

    “Trust that they suck”. Truer words have never been written.

    • mind boggling, truly.
      Your problem was him. You gave him the right answer and got rid of him.
      Must be amusing to watch him trying to “explain” his divorce, especially to her husband.
      Have you considered telling her husband? You can write to him anonymously and give a bit of evidence.

  • The Other Women in my case have all had one thing in common.

    They weren’t me.

    And that’s it.

    In each case, the man in question chose deliberately. He chose repeatedly, making a series of small and then large choices that all led in the same direction – a woman who was not me.

    And yes, you feel rejection and jealousy and hurt and pain, and then eventually you realise that he is a free adult who made a free adult choice.

    It’s bleak, but I think this is the hardest part to face.

  • My x was fucking and “falling in love” with his coworker for 1.5yrs before I discovered what was going on. She was younger and less accomplished than me. She wash’t outwardly pretty. She really had no sense of fashion and had been wearing things my x was gifting her – which were clothes that my x liked of mine, he had asked me where I’d bought several times of my clothes.. yeah, she had ended up getting those same exact clothes as gifts, lol.

    It didn’t matter what she looked like. He found her beautiful. I let him go. I told him to go be with her if that made him happy. He figured out her true personality a few months later and they started having issues. She dumped him after the triangle with he/me/her was up. She dumped him to go be with an old boyfriend who was also not single when she started messing aroung with him again.

    These ow/om.. ugh.. it has nothing to do with their looks. They play games that entice. They play the games that our cheater x’s get aroused by playing.

    If your husband or wife is dumb enough to play into someone’s game, they are far beneath you! A snake is a snake, doesn’t matter how physically beautiful the snake’s markings are, it’s still a snake.

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