I have been married for four years with two children (2 years and 5 months). I got the shock of my life while I was playing games with my daughter on his phone on a Sunday morning. I opened the texts and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I brought it up without revealing the source and he said they were just friends, but the texts showed a deep emotional connection. I somehow felt relieved that it was not physical yet. But then he left home one day and was dodgy about where he had been, and I got that feeling. I later checked his messages only to find that this was also a physical affair. I still discussed it with him without revealing the source and he got so defensive.
He did drip feeding truth, but from that I deduced the affair began after I had my first daughter. He totally ignored me then and I even asked him what was wrong and he said he had a lot on his mind and had failed to adjust to the new setting with the baby. Long story short, he has continued the affair totally disregarding my concerns, and going on about life like I should just leave him alone and continue with things as they were. I am playing marriage police now and I hate the person I have become. I have lost a lot of weight.
What I need your help with is the fact that he applied for a schorlaship and is leaving the country for two years. I agreed to make the necessary sacrifices and stay in my country with the children while he studies. In the wake of all this I feel so betrayed and he leaves the country in 3 weeks and will not sit down with me to discuss the issue. I wish there was more time. Part of me knows that he is leaving anyway so the right thing to do is end it now, I was going to stay with the kids alone anyway. However, Three weeks seems like a short time to make a big decision, but thanks to your site I am more encouraged. I was also thinking of telling him the night before he leaves because telling him now would make things awkward around the house. In your advice, what would be the best time to tell him? Now or just before he goes?
I hope to hear back from you soon.
Call a lawyer TODAY. You need to figure out the logistics of having this bastard served and get support lined up ASAP. That might mean an emergency support injunction. I don’t know. But what I don’t want to happen, is he leaves and he’s out of reach of the law because he’s overseas.
I know this probably feels very rushed to you. You’re still in D-Day shock, still trying to process who he really is and what it all means, but it is imperative to ACT in self defense now, and shelf your feelings for later.
And do you tell him? No, you do NOT.
Look at your history. When you confronted him about the “friend,” he minimized. When you confronted him about the physical affair, he got defensive and trickled truth-ed (otherwise known as lies of omission). And when you asked him to stop, he refused and has shown zero remorse.
That’s your answer. There’s no need to loop him in for consensus — he’s very clear in his actions what his affair means — he gets to fuck around at will and you must accept it. That’s either an acceptable relationship to you, or it’s not.
I’d say it’s not given your weight loss, grief, and hypervigilance. You have absolutely nothing to work with and no one can save a marriage single-handedly — especially from thousands of miles away.
If you think it’s hard to be the Marriage Police domestically, try internationally. This is not sustainable and I very much worry he’s setting you up for abandonment.
Get in front of this NOW.
If seeing a lawyer and having him served scuttles his great scholarship dreams? Well, fuck him. It’s a consequence. You have two BABIES to support. He doesn’t get to walk out of your life and play college co-ed. And if you’re supporting his ass? That shit has to stop.
Please don’t tell him you’re divorcing. You see a lawyer and you take their advice on disclosure. If you can safely serve him overseas AND protect yourself financially? Then IMO, that’s the best thing. Nothing like an ocean between you to help with no contact.
I’d pack that bastards’s suitcase and wave bon voyage. Goodbye fuckwit. Hello new life.