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Eat, Pray, Kibble, Divorce

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Last week news came out that Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, is getting a divorce.

She shared the news with her “Dear Ones” on Facebook.

Dear Ones –

Because I have shared details of my private life with you all so intimately over the years, I feel the need to share with you this recent change in my personal life.

I am separating from the man whom many of you know as “Felipe” — the man whom I fell in love with at the end of the EAT PRAY LOVE journey. He has been my dear companion for over 12 years, and they have been wonderful years. Our split is very amicable. Our reasons are very personal.

At this time of transition, I hope you will respect our privacy. In my heart, I know that you will do so, because I trust that you understand how this is a story that I am living — not a story that I am telling.

I gotta wonder how a woman who would share every last detail of her life with her reading public, every fabulous detail that is, from her home, to her shop, to her yoga gear, draws the line at the ever-so-mortal details of her divorce. Excuse me, her Very Amicable divorce.

Hey, that’s her business. I get that some people are circumspect about divorce. I just can’t help but wonder if the news has anything to do with her confession a year ago in the New York Times, that she’s been a serial cheater most of her adult life.

On that note, I thought I would rerun that column, so you can wonder too.

——–

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, just wrote a piece in the New York Times admitting that she’s been a serial cheater. Only instead of “serial cheater” she calls it “Confessions of a Seduction Addict.”

She kind of glossed over that “cheated on my husband” bit in Eat, Pray, Love. I admit I read the book. From what I recall she had this perfect life with a perfect job and a husband who wanted children (the horror) and she bolted. Actually, she had a couple boyfriends.

In my mid-20s, I married, but not even matrimony slowed me down. Predictably, I grew restless and lonely. Soon enough I seduced someone new; the marriage collapsed. But it was worse than just that. Before my divorce agreement was even signed, I was already breaking up with the guy I had broken up my marriage for. You know you’ve got intimacy issues when, in the space of a few short months, you find yourself visiting two completely different couples’ counselors, with two completely different men on your arm, in order to talk about two completely different emotional firestorms. Trying to keep all my various story lines straight (Whom am I angry at, again? Who is angry at me now? Whose office is this?) made my hands shake and my mind splinter.

“Intimacy issues” is kind. How about fraud issues? Really, you dragged multiple men to couple’s therapy? The “two completely different emotional firestorms” had just one arsonist, Elizabeth — you.

But hey, reading public, she’s sorry.

For the first time, I forced myself to admit that I had a problem — indeed, that I was a problem. Tinkering with other people’s most vulnerable emotions didn’t make me a romantic; it just made me a swindler. Lying and cheating didn’t make me brazen; it just made me a needy coward. Stealing other women’s boyfriends didn’t make me a revolutionary feminist; it just made me a menace. I hated that it took me almost 20 years to realize this. There are 16-year-old kids who know better than to behave this way. It felt shameful. But once I got it, I really got it: There is no way to stop a destructive behavior, except to stop.

Okay, well she never says she was sorry. But I do appreciate that she disavows cheating as a revolutionary feminist act.

Elizabeth, I give you points for calling yourself a swindling, needy, coward. It takes some guts to admit something ugly about yourself in a New York Times op-ed piece. However, I am a bit queasy about your sincerity.  I read hundreds of pages such self-deprecation in Eat, Pray, Love — your chubby thighs, your inability to meditate, your romantic troubles. It made you accessible, sympathetic, and funny.

But isn’t it a form of what the kids call the “humblebrag”? You got your chubby thighs eating artisan pasta in Naples, Italy. You can’t meditate in a remote ashram in India. Your romantic troubles culminate with a relationship to a sexy, older gem merchant. You’re Everywoman, if Everywoman was an indulged child with a publisher’s fat travel budget.

Similarly, in this mea culpa, I get the distinct whiff of narcissism. Men want me! They can’t stop thinking about me! Everyone I meet is utterly enchanted by me!

I can’t say that I was always looking for a better man. I often traded good men for bad ones; character didn’t much matter to me. I wasn’t exactly seeking love, either, regardless of what I might have claimed. I can’t even say it was the sex. Sex was just the gateway drug for me, a portal to the much higher high I was really after, which was seduction.

Seduction is the art of coercing somebody to desire you, of orchestrating somebody else’s longings to suit your own hungry agenda. Seduction was never a casual sport for me; it was more like a heist, adrenalizing and urgent. I would plan the heist for months, scouting out the target, looking for unguarded entries. Then I would break into his deepest vault, steal all his emotional currency and spend it on myself.

If the man was already involved in a committed relationship, I knew that I didn’t need to be prettier or better than his existing girlfriend; I just needed to be different. (The novel doesn’t always win out over the familiar, mind you, but it often does.) The trick was to study the other woman and to become her opposite, thereby positioning myself to this man as a sparkling alternative to his regular life.

Soon enough, and sure enough, I might begin to see that man’s gaze toward me change from indifference, to friendship, to open desire. That’s what I was after: the telekinesis-like sensation of steadily dragging somebody’s fullest attention toward me and only me. My guilt about the other woman was no match for the intoxicating knowledge that — somewhere on the other side of town — somebody couldn’t sleep that night because he was thinking about me. If he needed to sneak out of his house after midnight in order to call, better still. That was power, but it was also affirmation. I was someone’s irresistible treasure. I loved that sensation, and I needed it, not sometimes, not even often, but always.

Yeah, you’re not a “seduction addict,” you’re a kibble addict.

It’s all still about you. How do I know? Well, for starters you feel zero guilt for the chump (“other woman” hah). She’s an obstacle to kibbles. You say your seduction addiction is “destructive” but for whom? You? Did you ever think about the pain you inflicted on innocents?

I was never exactly monogamous. Relationships overlapped, and those overlaps were always marked by exhausting theatricality: sobbing arguments, shaming confrontations, broken hearts. Still, I kept doing it. I couldn’t not do it.

Relationships overlapped! Passive voice. Owning it would be writing “I cheated.”

Exhausting “theatricality”? It wasn’t theater to the people you hurt. The sobbing, broken hearted weren’t parts delivered by two-bit actors in your personal soap opera. They were real.

Until you can tell the difference between props and people, I doubt you’re sorry. Sorry.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “…Then I would break into his deepest vault, steal all his emotional currency and spend it on myself.”

    At least she’s realises whats she’s doing…she still sounds like a shit though!

    • Like the confessions of a serial killer….proud of the moment they ended another’s life and only made better by reliving it to a captive audience.

      • Sounds like she’s not only NPD but also a Borderline Personality, admitting she was “shape shifting”‘ and “turning herself into an entirely different woman to attract an entirely different man”…

        How terrifically sad for anyone caught in her very tangled web.

        • Can’t stand the woman, can’t stand that book, even before I knew of all her infidelities. She is so very full of herself, and herself is so full of shite, which she probably thinks doesn’t stink.

      • She’s a serial killer of souls. Like all predatory narcissists, she zeros in on her prey without mercy.

    • I think there’s a reason she’s admitting to cheating. There’s some form of image management going on. I wonder if her cheating will come out and therefore, she’s pulling a pre-emptive move by confessing to it, hence attempting to gain the public’s sympathy. I find her confession quite strange…

        • Needed the $ from this for her divorce atty retainer??
          Let’s get. a go find me going for HIS atty. I’ll gladly kick in.

            • I remember she wrote about losing a lot of money in the divorce. She also hoped no one would have to divorce in New York. According to Google, New York became a no-fault state in 2010. I believe the book came out before that. If she divorced while New York was a fault state, it would explain why she lost so much money. In the book, Felipe said he would never take all her money, like her ex did. I wonder if he still feels that way.

            • mage management, Kellia, same thought occurred to me “her cheating will come out and therefore, she’s pulling a pre-emptive move by confessing to it, hence attempting to gain the public’s sympathy.” A very common Cheater Narcissist tactic. Liz is simply informing the public that she’s been very open and honest regarding her lifestyle. She doesn’t understand why her husband making such a big deal of a little affirmation.
              Crazy, unstable Chump husband over reacting. He obviously misunderstood their marriage vows.
              I find it amusing that she puts in all this effort to “win,” a married man who would risk destroying his marriage and family, shattering his children’s lives, for a slut who throws herself at him. She needs to rethink what she considers her prize/reward. Using losers as her affirmations??
              More like booby prizes.

  • Hmmmm…. I wonder if her latest husband finally perfected his english enough to realize what she wrote and what it meant…I bet he figured out the leopard doesn’t change his spots….. and he left her.

    • Maybe there’s a good reason she married a foreigner in the first place. She needed someone who knew as little about her as possible. It could have worked if she would have changed…

  • Glad I took a moment to read the entire thing — now I can be sick the rest of the day.

    Check out this nugget:

    “I would lose weight, sleep, dignity, clarity. As anyone who has ever watched a werewolf movie knows, transmutation is excruciating and terrifying, but once that process has been set into motion — once you have glimpsed that full moon — it cannot be reversed.”

    Lady, thy name is self-aggrandizement.

    I don’t think for one se one that you thought the transmutation was terrifying, but that’s not my point. My point is that it CAN be reversed, but reversing it requires a will and character and integrity that the people we here in CN know all to well do not possess.

    So you had an Italian ice instead of satisfying your narcissistic ego yet again? Big fucking deal.

    (And I note that not ONCE does she dare utter the dreaded N-word in the entire piece. Would raising that possibility be too excruciating and terrifying for her?)

  • She sounds just like my ex when he wants some attention for his introspection. I’m using the term introspection loosely. This would be the narcissistic sort of introspection that goes, oh, about a micron deep. I just could not get into her writing or anything about her. All I could think was endless self-absorption. CL, I think you’ve got it: she’s full of “humblebrag.” She’s just too much. But this is pretty interesting. I suspect the money from her famous book is drying up and maybe there’s going to be an attempt to lure the reading public back with (oh the torment) of her “seduction addiction.” Good grief.

    • closer to histrionic personality disorder than introspection, I suspect. She loves the ddddrrrrrraaaaaaammmmmmmaaaa.

      • “Humblebrag” is another helpful new insight I’ve learned here. My covert narc X is the king of humblebrags and it’s nauseating how many people mistake it for genuine self-depreciation.

        • OMG mine too! He fooled me with it for 20 yrs! and so many still are awed by his self-proclaimed “humility”. It’s so frustrating that I seem to be the only one who recognizes it for what it is – BULLSHIT!!

          • lovedandlost, It truly is frustrating that we are the only ones that see it for what it is, false humility and image control.

    • “when he wants some attention for his introspection” is a GREAT line, Kath, wow, which perfectly describes and helps me frame what my STBX did and does. Sort of, here I am being all deep and everything, all… thoughtfully and introspectively. NOT.

  • Enough age, life experience and wisdom usually helps people realize (at least to some degree) that it’s too exhausting to keep raiding the vault and gathering up the useless emotional currency of innocent partners over and over. People like this should just stay away from other humans, or come with a neon warning sign around their neck “Validate me!”
    For the record, I thought Eat, Pray, Love was a self indulgent load of horseshit- but friends of mine loved it.

  • “My guilt about the other woman was no match for the intoxicating knowledge that — somewhere on the other side of town — somebody couldn’t sleep that night because he was thinking about me.”

    At least she gives us insight into the mind of the disordered serial cheaters. The plotting, planning, studying the wife, and the calculated actions were in fact intoxicating. Interestingly she calls the wife the other woman.

    After i threw the Limited out he coldly stated she wasn’t the ‘Dream Girl’ he described in the poem he wrote her. He coldly yet with a grin stated it was always the thrill of the chase. It is intoxicating and it never ends. This answers the question WHY. Its who they are.

    • “At least she gives us insight into the mind of the disordered serial cheaters. The plotting, planning, studying the wife, and the calculated actions were in fact intoxicating.”

      This is my exact thought. It is helpful for me to see it written out by a perpetrator of the crime. It helps me believe that it’s a real thing. For me, the especially compelling moment is when she says she doesn’t have to be anything but different.

      • Sociopaths get a thrill knowing there is someone at home sleeping in bed WITH their wife losing sleep thinking about them. Not feeling guilt over this isn’t about fucking. It’s about gaining PLEASURE in the pain she causes.

        Causing pain is what is intoxicating for them. Recreating that scenario again and again is predatory in nature.

        I asked the Limited what he sees when he looks in the mirror. He is well aware of his dark side and embraces this. They HAVE insight without conscience. Every action is well thought out and planed to maximize pain.

        There is no changing this through therapy.

          • Oh h3ll yes! Any woman who would cheat with another woman’s married partner, doesn’t deserve any attention or respect from me…ever! Do they not truly recognize that a relationship begun under deception will never be an open our honest relationship? .If they’re willing to cheat once, they’ll be doing it again at some point. Sadly, these whores, in a bizzare way, are doing us the great favor of taking our cake-eating cheaters off our hands. Truly a double-edge sword.

        • Doingme,”He is well aware of his dark side and embraces this.”
          This is exactly what I kept thinking of x, once he found another evil soul, schmoopie, he decided to abandon me, he had been betraying me for years, but once he found that other dark soul, to share in his evil, he was validated. He could go off and be “happy” by betraying his family and he could embrace the darkness without having to be alone. Too bad for him that his evil schmoopie left him and went back to her husband after only 6 months of “bliss”.

    • Research shows it takes 27 days of “setting up” before an affair starts. “Affairs happen,” my ass.

  • What a miserable excuse of a person this human sCumBucket is. Yet another example of how whacked psychologically these OW truly are. Yes, Elizabeth, getting married men to fuck you, in secret, for free, proves that you are oh soooo desirable.

    Is it possible to suffer from low self esteem and high self esteem at the same time? It’s all so confusing. Cause the need for continuous attention from men just seems like low self esteem, but she acts like she has high self esteem. Whatever it is, it’s abnormal. What a nut bait.

    • Anita – you ask if it’s possible to suffer from high and low self esteem at the same time? Yes – it’s called Narcissism. They blow.

    • Anita…yes that is my question too…nowdeadhusband acted like he was superhuman (and demanded to be treated as such) yet it always seemed like his grandiosity was an attempt to cover a profound sense of inadequacy. By the time he hit his 40s (with a decade or so of covert cheating under his belt) he seemed to hate himself (for good reason) but I still didnt know. I lovingly tried to help him appreciate himself which made it all worse.

      There was a time when he was young when he could have taken the high road, made prudent decisions and actually been a good man…he chose the lazy cheater immediate gratification path to self destruction and self hatred then died without redeeming himself. A terribly sad tale.

      I have to run though…I have a fabulous new cheater-free life to go live.

      • Anita and Unicornnomore,
        I can relate to what you’re both saying. I felt my ex’s grandiosity was also a cover for deep seated feelings of inadequacy . I witnessed his narcissism grow in parallel to the success we were achieving with our business and felt he was once a good man who took the wrong path. Have you ever watched the series, Breaking Bad? You think Walter White is basically a good man doing bad things for the sake of his family, but in the end he admits, he did it for himself, because he was good at it and it made him feel powerful and it ends up destroying everyone he loves. I can only hope he learned something from it all. I certainly did!

        • I loved that show! As chilling as it was it gave the viewers a look at what a true narcissist looks like.

          “if you don’t know who I am, then maybe your best course… would be to tread lightly.”

          *shudder*

        • Yes, Movingon@51, Breaking Bad is a good example of what I’m talking about. I didn’t see it all but enough to know what’s going on. Lol, I had a minor little crush on Jessie, go figure.

      • Unicornnomore: that was nowdeadwife too. Exactly. A weird form of self loathing, that I thought was body image issues, but was actually from the serial cheating. I can see how my trying to make her feel better was just twisting her self-implanted dagger.

        The article above captures part of her mind well. She wasn’t a sex addict [even the last boyfriend commented that she “needed to up her c*m level” – that she was a little frigid, even with a new guy] – she was a “seduction” addict. She was never as interested in keeping guys, once the “romance” of the early relationship wore off, as in getting them in the first place. It was eerie to read chat logs where she used the exact techniques she used on me on another guy – wait for his prior relationship to be tanking, slide in to “friendship” with both the girl and the guy, gradually wedge them apart, then lovebomb the guy.

        Then she switched (almost certainly not by choice) from self medicating with “seduction”, to self-medicating with medication. At this point I don’t even know how much of her chronic back pain was real, how much was fake, and how much was Munchausen’s Syndrome. From that point on the ending was predictable.

    • I’m with George Simon on this–I don’t think they have low self-esteem at all. They sometimes pretend to because it is an effective hook for “pity”–the most powerful way to manipulate people. What narcs do have is a fragile high-self-esteem: their superiority requires constant verification from others.

      • I agree with this perspective as well. I think they need validation from others on an ongoing basis but if they don’t get it from that supply they will up and find another. Exhausting people.

      • Tempest, YES. I also do not believe for a second the common misconception that narcissists secretly are filled with self hatred and low self esteem. Nope. They really DO think they are the cream of the crop, all of that and a bag of chips. Their endless need for admiration, attention and the glare of the spotlight becomes so exhausting….. I am so thankful to be away from all that. God, my ex used to embarrass me on a regular basis. As long as he was the center of attention, there was nothing he wouldn’t do.

      • That’s what confuses me. If you have high self esteem why do you need validation from others, especially since you think they are inferior to you. It just doesn’t make sense.

        • Entitlement. They think they are entitled to adoration from other people, and they get pissy if they don’t get it. Then they seek it elsewhere.

          The Grandiosity-masquerading-as-low-self-esteem perspective comes from Freudian psychology (that one’s image is a compensatory mechanism for deep underlying insecurities), which hardly anyone buys anymore. Not even clear Freud himself bought it. To paraphrase him, sometimes an asshole is just an asshole.

        • My ex used to say things all the time like, “It is my destiny to be famous.” Tempest is right. They feel entitled to fame, adoration and attention because they truly believe they deserve it. They consider themselves to be better than everyone else. When they don’t get what they want, the rage and entitlement comes boiling out like festering pus because they do not think the “little people” deserve to have what they consider to be THEIRS.

        • They call whAt narcissists have ” a false sense of self.” Maybe they need constant validation/ adoration because their self esteem is also false. Idk. My ex would always want to be around strangers, parties, friends constantly, but was really a poor partner with intimacy one to one, or spending quality time with his kids, family members etc. Actually everything about him was false! Do not miss him one bit anymore, but I do think it’s sad. My happiness comes from just being comfortable in my own skin.

          • Movingon@51 – This is exactly how my X behaved as well. Always needed to be around people, was so helpful to strangers, had to be seen as a “great guy”. Want to know who thinks narcissists are great guys? People who don’t know them very well. People who they don’t blame for everything bad in their lives. People who don’t have any expectations of them.

            My X was part of a tight group of frat brothers. He said they were his best friends and they seemed like such an intimate bunch. I finally figured out that they knew nothing about each other’s real lives. It was all impression management – one of them always trying to be the king of the castle.

            All those people at parties are just mirrors for the narcissist. They charm some stranger, get a crowd laughing and they can say to themselves “All these people love me! I’m a great guy!” They fear the one-on-one intimacy of interaction with their children or their spouse because those people are mirrors as well. And they reflect back the disappointment and heartache that the Narc has cause in their lives.

            When the Narc can’t elicit a good reflection from his family any longer because of his neglect and abuse of them, that’s when he completely blows up his famiy’s lives and moves on to prettier mirrors.

            • Yes, Uf… That was my ex to a T! He also was part of a group of guys that were all in competition with each other to be the alpha male of the group. That was more important to him than his wife, kids or extended family. I’m just happy I don’t have to be a part of it all anymore. I get to have quiet evenings immersed in a good book, or do my many hobbies and spend time with my few close friends, my kids and family and all the people I love. That life became so hollow. What I once saw as total devastation is now such a blessing. He apparently is still living that lifestyle but apparently his now wife( AP) is miserable ! Better her than me!

              • Yep. The chaos and sparkles are gone, and my simple life is so comforting. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

      • Thanks, Tempest. That’s a very clear way of stating this very weird sense of self-esteem that narcissists have. While I still am unconvinced that CheaterX is a narcissist (I think he fits BPD more), I would say that he had very fragile high self-esteem. Any opinion different from his was a disagreement. You could agree with him, but for a different reason, and he’d see that as a challenge.

        Looking back, I realize that not only did I squash down my opinions, but because I wasn’t allowed to have my own perspectives, I gradually tuned out the details of what he said, to the point where I now need to be careful in interpersonal communication to ensure that I listen to what’s said!

    • There’s a tension in the study of narcissists between the idea that their grandiosity is a prop for their low self-esteem and the idea that they actually have inflated self-esteem beyond what is considered healthy. In other words, they may actually believe they are all that and a bag of chips.

      • LOL, I used the same expression before seeing your comment! Yes, they certainly consider themselves the Nacho Cheese Dorito chips of life.

  • This is the mind of a sick, depraved individual. I am so glad that I didn’t purchase her book or see the film. GAG!
    Unfortunately my ex said some of the very similar things. He didn’t care how they looked and it helped if they were overweight or had some other issues. That way OW would feel blessed to have “stolen” such a desirable catch. He refers to them as “trolls!” WTF!!! After all he wasn’t looking for a wife, because he had one.
    His last OW had such poor self esteem, she sent him 30 year old pics of her with comments about how she onced looked. I worked out hard core, lost weight etc and look much younger. It never occured to me OW were hovering around my FB page or that he casually mentioned these tidbits in his conversations about me (yes he did.).
    It was and is all about him. Trust that they suck!

    • I bought the book ELP out of curiosity at the Goodwill Store for $2 or so after the first CL column ran. I’ve yet to be able to force myself to read it. From what I’ve seen of EG’s columns, her writing style is just so wordy and confusing, I’m sure it’s a difficult read. It’s probably worthwhile for the educational view into the mind of a loonish whore. Curiosity killed the cat….

  • It’s the kind of deep reckoning that only goes as far as standing in a doorway looking to spectators with her finger on her lip and exclaiming, “I’ve Been Naughty!” with a pile of bodies unseen behind her. Even the apology and atonement is directed outward to the bystander in a bid for attention and new supply.

    My Narc ex continues to do this shit. The goal is to get away with the most atrocious past acts by reframing them to strangers about Hard Lessons Learned. And to New Schmoopie Supply? I’d never do that to you because enlightenment and plus you’re special. And to those to whom atonement is long overdue? Crickets.

    I fill the silence with my own music.

  • This article proves that there are appallingly scheming people out there that sometimes target married/coupled people. “I would plan the heist for months…” ” . . . The trick was to study the other woman and become her opposite . . .”.

    I can’t imagine investing that much time and energy into studying other people, but then again, I’m not a Sociopath. I’m sure Elizabeth would spin it as she was an amatuer Anthropologist. Either way, it’s a good distraction from looking at herself and discovering she’s just a garden variety whore.

    What she’s claiming isn’t even novel – it’s what every whore does. He/she listens to the douchebag complain about their partner and they become the opposite. The old ball and chain has too many expectations of the poor put upon cheater? Whore becomes easy, breezy! Cheater lies about his boring sex life? Whore is in the back of his pickup with her ankles behind her ears. It’s just a giant cliche.

    So all those other women/men on blogs bemoaning how they were duped as well, that they were innocents in the destruction of the lives of women and men and children? They can suck it.

    • I found out much later that the OW studied me meticulously. Creeped me out . After they were free to be together and I hightailed it out of there, apparently my ex caused her “great emotional pain” because he kept getting caught weeping while stalking my social media accounts. These people seem to want to be anywhere else but where they currently are. New girlfriend? Pine nostalgically over your ex wife. Wife and kids? Spend all your time and energy being excited by the prospect of your new mistress. Always the past or the potential future- never what’s in front of them.

      • “I found out much later that the OW studied me meticulously”. Cinderella used to be a friend. At one point she kept telling me how lucky I was to be married to my “Sugar Daddy”. I was horrified. And corrected her immediately telling her, he was my husband, friend etc. Well, true to this, he used her as a sounding board when our youngest son tried to commit suicide, because he didn’t want me to see him as weak because I was so strong. Um Prince Charming…I needed your support because our child was so depressed he wanted to take his life….fuckwit….Anywho – she became his best friend. Telling him when he complained about me that he needed to talk to me about these issues not her but she would be there to support him…as she handed him another beer. Anyway, during or wreckconcillation – he told me how she old him that he had to live another 30 year so they could be married longer than we were – which at this point will make him 86 and her 65. And how she was going to be a better wife to then I ever was. GUESS what Cinderella, you selfish bitch – you will never be better then me because I NEVER CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND!

        • My Lord, lldodd60, after your child’s suicide attempt? Both of them? Husband AND friend perpetrating cruelty in one of the hardest of life’s situations. That’s horrifying. Fiends. You and he deserved so much better. I hope your son is better now. And I hope they both rot.

        • lldodd60,it’s no longer surprising to hear about cheaters who vacate their spouses emotionally at the first sign of illness, or crisis. I hope your son pulled through, and that both cheater and his OW get the life they deserve.

        • She sounds like a great person already. Screwing a married man and then insulting his wife. I’m sure she’ll make a GREAT wife. The truth is most people would be lucky to have YOU as a friend/sister/mother/wife/girlfriend/etc. Getting a douchebag to act like a douchebag towards their kind spouse doesn’t make her some kind of special wife. It just makes her a douchebag as well. Don’t let someone else bring you down by spreading a bunch of BS. If it was actually true, she wouldn’t have to say it to make you feel bad. She could just live it.

  • I’ll be nice and suggest that all the attention and adulation she got from the book, the movie, Oprah etc. probably fed the beast for quite a long time and she wouldn’t have needed to cheat. Probably didn’t see her husband much either with all of the speaking engagements.
    The town they settled in (near me), while picturesque, isn’t exactly exciting. Not much kibble there once the furor died down.

  • I’ll buy that this lady knows a thing or two about eating–she’s clearly made a study of *consuming*. But she knows as much about praying and loving as the rabid raccoon living under my porch knows about knitting and calculus. That is, bupkis. Like the raccoon, she is all teeth and claws held together by mange.

  • CL said: “Yeah, you’re not a “seduction addict,” you’re a kibble addict.”

    I beg to differ CL. She’s a whore.

    A term I don’t use lightly.

  • I always thought it was so funny that the vapid human sCumBucket my ex was so obsessed with was so thrilled that a 50ish, overweight balding married man was cheating with her. Eeew. Especially since he was cheating on a “fat, lazy” 50ish wife. I can see why this would put any woman’s self esteem thru the roof with feelings of how attractive she is.

  • She’s sorry? How about she forks over the $$$$$$ she made from profiting off of her admitted fraud to the women and children whose families she willingly helped to blow up.
    Whore.

    • Indeed, I see a whole lot of the firs of the 12 steps in here, admitting there is a problem. Then I see nothing, nada, or in nomar terms bupkis, in the way of the other 11 steps or any other signs of progress beyond “pay attention to me, pity me, I have a problem.” There’s no admitting the exact nature of her wrongs, and there sure as hell is no direct amends to the people wronged.

      Oh, and I think “whore” is too nice. CN is far more clever and creative with names for cheaters.

      • I offer:

        Slore
        Slunt

        I tried to watch this movie a few months ago, I didn’t even know it was about cheating.

        I dislike Julia R but I tried anyway. I made got as far as maybe…..three minutes.

        • I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t stand Julia Roberts. She reminds me of an Irish Setter… big brown eyes, shiny red hair, and nothing inside her head. Well, that’s not entirely fair, because at least an Irish Setter would likely be devoted and trustworthy.

      • All out if kibble – how about she is a cunt. I used to hate that word but if the glove fits you can’t acquit.

  • Omg. I never read her book, but I remember seeing her on Oprah when it came out and thinking she was looney tunes. I thought the way she described her marriage and divorce on Oprah seemed odd at the time. It almost just seemed like she had problems with contentment rather than her marriage being bad. It was like she just decided one day her husband didn’t make her happy anymore. Her new husband was on the show and I remembered thinking that it probably wouldn’t last. She seemed like such a flake that I didn’t respect her enough to read her book or watch her movie. It’s just like ok everybody just up and leave your husband and go on these fancy trips and all will be well in your life. You can escape reality forever! It can be done! She just seems so far off from any kind of moral base. I can’t believe she sold this book and made the money that she did. I hope at some point she comes to terms with what she did and apologize to those she hurt in the process.

        • OMG, Tempest … I’m with CalamityJane … I can’t stop laughing. *gasp*

          “If anyone just swallowed RAT POISON….” Holy hell that’s funny.

          *wipes tears of merriment from eyes because can’t see the “post comment” button.

      • Aack! It’s not about forgiving others. It’s about self-forgiveness! Oh boy, are there no limits to her self-centeredness? She says it’s time to set yourself free. Yeah, I think she’s done that already.

      • Tempest, you just saved my life. i am sitting here at my desk checking on Chump Lady when I should be doing so many other things. I reached for the granola, and shit, it was rat poison I just stuck in my mouth and swallowed. I have no idea how rat poison got on my desk, but there you are. I reached for the ipecac that should have been there (I’m often poisoning myself at work) and instead of swallowing it, I swallowed Drano.

        Had I not read your post and been able to retch from the putrid wretch’s words she reassembled in the most hideous and distasteful fashion, I would have died.

        So thank you for another life saved.

      • And as she’s holding that knife uo to her throat I scream, “DO IT, DO IT.” But alas, the knife is yet another prop.

        She never states what she is forgiving herself for.

  • When I was in the pick me phase, XH gave me a copy of Eat, Pray, Blah, Blah. I was appalled. He was always trying to read Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment ( yeah, his dark side) but he didn’t have the ability to persevere. So Eat. Pray? Saccharine pulp. I had a suspicion it came from OW- it was a used copy-you know worn, tatty at the edges. I took it, skim read and realised, yeah this was the OW manifesto. I grew up to believe books were to be respected but this one hit the bin.

    So it took 12 years for the Karma bus to hit Ms Gilbert. I hope she writes a book about dealing with that and I can send it to XH/OW so they can be prepared.

    • I think Karma would be sweeter if she wasn’t the one who cheated this time, but he was. Maybe then she could gain some perspective and empathy.

  • Wow! Reading her past interview, I couldn’t help but imagine that this is how my STBXH feels because he is full of himself just like her. Ugh!

  • Narcissists are often talented and charming. Often their tales of “finding themselves” seems compelling. Until the mask falls off.

    • Lovedajackass – they don’t need to look far to find themselves. The closest garbage can or cesspool will do.

      • Exactly. These people don’t necessarily end up with stellar folk. It’s usually someone who is just as disordered or needy as they are. Nothing special to write home about.

  • This is one of those books that I didn’t read simply because it was endorsed by Oprah and everyone was talking about how wonderful it was. Now I am seriously glad I gave it a pass. I think I will give her new tome a pass as well. Why line the pockets of a narcissist who spends her life ruining the lives of others. I wonder if people who actually READ the book and gleaned the deeper meaning – ie she was a cheater – would still sing it’s praises. She sounds just like Cinderella.

  • “That’s what I was after: the telekinesis-like sensation of steadily dragging somebody’s fullest attention toward me and only me.”

    And there you go folks, this pretty much summarizes this nutjob’s mindset. To get the fullest attention toward herself and only herself. She exists to serve only herself, the epitomy of narcissism.

    • Exactly!

      And I’m realizing it also explains why “regular” love relationships and the joys and satisfactions of a long, real love, just don’t cut it. Because to one of these people, they need someone’s “fullest attention toward {them}self and only {them}self” at all times. The second they don’t feel that, they’re off to another source. Ugh, it’s horrific.

  • I love EG’s novels, more so than her nonfiction. There’s a lot of authors and musicians and athletes and actors and painters, who are shit as people.

    However, today’s column should be labeled a companion piece to yesterday’s piece of “they don’t change”. As an example to everyone who thinks they have a unicorn who’s changed, they.don’t.change.

  • Dear Elizabeth Gilbert,

    Eat shit, pray for your accursed soul and love someone besides yourself for a change. M’kay?

  • I had friends who raved about this book, and I like reading memoirs about spiritual insight and spiritual journeys (the best one ever, by the way, is Peter Matthiesson’s “The Snow Leopard”) and I thought this might be in the same vein so I gave it a shot. UGH! I remember at the time thinking “this is the most self-absorbed, annoying shallow fluff I’ve ever read.” If this is what people are praising as spiritual depth or something to emulate, God help us. The pretentious “Dear Ones” stuff just confirms it, as does her humblebrag NY times “confession” and now the news of her divorce. Let’s just hope she goes away now.

    • I agree Athene. I watched the movie and it didn’t resonate with me at all. And I couldn’t understand what the hype was all about. All I thought was this woman who was all over the place, who went on vacation. And there was no way I was going to read the book after I saw the movie.

      • I thought it was appropriate that Julia Roberts played EG in the movie… an actress who had the same hubris to go after another woman’s husband.

        • A friend of mine was hired to do makeup on a small indie film that she was in. She said the word on the set to all the ladies was, keep your husband/SO at home since Julia Roberts had a reputation for going after men who were otherwise engaged. Just a rumor, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

        • I felt sad for Vera, the woman married to a man the Dread Pirate Roberts pilfered several years ago. I saw a picture of Julia wearing a t-shirt that said, “A Low Vera” and my heart just sank. How awful for that poor lady to be humiliated like that. I hope Vera’s life has blossomed in the years since.

    • Athene – I love memoirs also and a friend gave me this book to read. I opened it numerous times but never got past the first page. For some weird reason it just gave me the willies. This was way before DDay, but it just stank of narcissism. Too bad I couldn’t see that in my husband at the time.

  • When the movie first came out, female friends told me to go see it. I’d like it, they said. But I never did claiming it just wasn’t my type of story line. Truthfully there was something off-putting to the story that I could never quite put my finger on so I just tabled the book and movie for a later time. Perhaps I have some sort of cheater fodder sixth-sense because I never knew her revolting back story, I just knew deep down I had no desire to see the movie, even though I like Julia Roberts as an actress.

    What I am more repulsed at here is not so much this woman’s characterless lifestyle (“If the man was already involved in a committed relationship, I knew that I didn’t need to be prettier or better than his existing girlfriend; I just needed to be different.”) but with the men she was able to “swindle” away from their oblivious partners.

    It took me quite a while to stop fixating on the OW (plural) in my ex’s life and turn that focus to him. Admittedly it was much easier to blame the lowlife piece of trash that tempted my poor, unassuming husband than to believe he was actually that much of a dirt bag himself to allow such filth into his/my life.

    She’s right, 16-year-olds know better than to behave this way. I’ve learned that there is no shortage of female/male sluts out there that have little concern for the chumpy partners who are not only an obstacle to their happiness but apparently represent some kind of sick, thrilling challenge to these emotional-high seeking vampires. The way I’ve read this is that without us chumps, there wouldn’t even be such a thing as “seduction addicts.” This synonymous relationship of chumpee and chumper is a disturbing revelation of one type of individual not being able to exist without the other. How’s that for mind fuckery?

    Regardless of how many there are of these poor, broken souls who have to continuously search out new conquests, these poor beasts wouldn’t be able to fill their vaults of “emotional currency” without there being a bountiful supply of fuckwits to sustain them. Perhaps in some kind of utopia-like future, science will be able to genetically identify both these relationship vultures and their willing conquests and send them all to some island to fuck with each other’s lives and leave the chumps to live blissful, peaceful lives. Now that’s a movie I would pay money to see.

      • Awake – he’s worse, because he’s the one who made the commitment. If you put a narcissistic husband and a suduction addict (read: whore) in the same room, it’s on. They both play their little game at the expense of innocent people. They both suck.

        • The minute he told OW 2 how sad he was about his failing marriage, she knew she was in. Neither one can feign innocence. They both willingly entered the game and yes, it is a game, with no real winners. I can hate the OW till the end of time but he’s the one that broke his promises to me and that makes him the real villain.

      • I’m sure there were men out there she tried to “seduce” who told her no and showed no interest. She sure didn’t mention this or how it most likely sent her into a cold rage. Nope. She probably turned these failed conquests around in her mind and moved on to the next because she didn’t find those loyal men “worthy” of her efforts.

  • Well, it looks like this Narcissistic bitch found her co-dependent match: In an interview she gave, she quotes the things her husband Felipe said to her:

    “He loves to cook… It almost makes me want to cry, but he’ll just stand there and he’ll be like, ‘I’m going to make a big curry,’” she says. “And he’ll pour me a glass of wine and he’ll say, ‘Now, darling, tell me everything. What happened today?’”

    “Upon hearing this, Gilbert realized just how true it was. “I noticed him. I was like, ‘Oh, he treats me the way I treat me now,’” she says happily.”

    “When she sits in the kitchen with her husband, Gilbert can’t help but feel lucky to have found such a caring partner.”

    Sounds like this women is completely self-absorbed.

    • Having a man cook for me and want to listen to what I have to say sounds really nice. I’ll take Felipe now that EG’s done with him.

  • Wow… just wow!

    It wasn’t even about the sex… it was about the seduction. I think that describes Mr. Sparkles perfectly. He gets sex from strangers online… monogamous sex with his wife, not a priority. OH, but the chase… the hunt… sniffing out a new target and lining her up before dropping the bomb on his family… THAT is him and he has a past and a pattern – just like EG – for doing it.

    Some days, I pity the OW and her two kids. They’re just kibbles and once he has feasted, he will move on. But the OW is accountable – there have been a gazillion red flags she is overlooking because her own fear of being alone is greater than that of being used. Sad and pathetic at the same time.

    We should send an telepathic message to EG’s husband… he’s certainly welcome here as a fellow Chump.

    Ah, l’amour du jour. YAWN.

    • “there have been a gazillion red flags she is overlooking because her own fear of being alone”

      It’s funny that people have a fear of being alone, yet pairing up with a cheater is being alone, because these cheaters are never invested in the relationship nor in their partner. These cheaters merely use you. I never understood these OW who knowing pair up with a cheater because they don’t want to be alone, when the reality is they are so alone with a cheater.

      • Agree Kellia – but they have yet to learn the lesson. Nothing is lonelier than living with (or being married to a narcissist).

        I have moments when I feel alone (usually when I first wake up)… but I have peace in those moments too, and I wouldn’t trade that for having Mr. Sparkles back in my bed on any given day.

        Sadly, she’ll learn. As EG openly admits… it never ends for them.

      • Hi Kellia,

        Sometimes there’s another factor that comes into play with these OWs, and that’s money. I’ve been told, for example, that my husband’s girlfriend “has dollar signs in her eyes.”

        She’s a desperate, needy 50-something divorcee who has been willing to engage with the human pustule “on his terms” (as he told me gleefully). She doesn’t get to meet his kids, even though we’re separated she can still only go out with him to out-of-the way places where they won’t be seen, and most of his friends loathe her. (He’s probably even cheating on her–when I was doing my chumptective work I detected that he was also texting with a slutty hairdresser from Sport Clips.)

        They walked into a pizza place together where it turned out one of my son’s friends was working. My son’s friend saw the pustule say “Oh shit” when he was seen with her.

        The pustule keeps dumping her–she doesn’t reflect enough status on him. Talk about a gazillion red flags! But she’s always available when he wants a blow job or another dose of narcissistic supply. I suspect she’s an expert at delivering both.

        He will never marry again. He’s greedy and will never allow anyone a legal claim on his assets again. I imagine she is in denial about this fact. He takes her to Hawaii and Mexico because he doesn’t want to go on vacay without kibble, and she thinks she’s on the gravy train.

        So aside from fear of being alone, in some cases there’s also the hope of some day becoming Mrs. Moneybags that keep these worthless skanks available despite the hostile narcissistic environment.

        • Also, it’s the love bombing.

          Unfaithful made me feel like the center of the universe during the idealization phase. At first, I ate it up because I had low self esteem and he made me feel special Later, I thought it was a bit over the top – I’m not sure I’m quite THAT great. Eventually, I craved a deeper connection and genuine intimacy. He seemed to be more in love with the “idea” of me and didn’t seem to really know me.

          Now, I realize they just can’t really bond to others and they lack empathy and compassion so they have no problem leaving and they move on quickly and easily. All those years and amazing memories meant nothing to him. He just needed to be constantly flattered and adored. It was all about the kibbles…

          • THIS ^^

            After we married, all that adoration stopped and the “I can’t seem to do anything right… or I can’t show him enough how much I love him (and his kids) started”…

            Sadly, textbook.

    • Yes like everyone is sitting on the edge of their seats in suspense of what is going on with her and her fake life. I’d rather go look for Pokemon then read anything this twit has to say.

  • What do you want to bet one if her”victims” or their wives or her stbx was going to blow the lid off what a conniving scumbag she is? This seems totally premeditated. Kind of like celebrities entering rehab for sex addiction.

    Yawn.

  • Wow. She is a piece of shit. It was, however, very interesting to read into the mind of a sicko.

    I wonder if us here in Chump Nation would ever consider that narcissism is a public crisis, undermining the whole of society? How does a little bastard get started on his path of destruction? We could look at what can be done to foster in children a love and respect for God and His laws, so that as they grow up they can protect themselves from such a mutated character as the above article demonstrates. The adults would watch for developing empathy, which starts to appear around five or six. Teach them to be kind to animals. Empathy and kindness are distinctly and profoundly missing in narcs.

    To continue, how about fostering and channeling the innate altruism of adolescents? Let their thoughts be on projects of service. What about their natural creativity? What if these pubescents were developing their art or music or sport, so that, along with service, they developed a healthy pastime? Again, encourage the developing soul to think about others, and not so focused on self.

    Later, when youth. What if somehow they were modeled chastity, and preparation for marriage? When youth, what if their higher instincts, instead of baser instincts, were supported. Encourage those in their late teens and twenties to focus on a career that will provide income and service to those around them. Let them be encouraged and taught what makes for a lasting and healthy marriage.

    This cheating, lying, laughing, leaving is just pure demonic behavior. It’s scary in the extreme. Think of that child in school, whose careless father blew up their family with his fucking lust that he couldn’t/wouldn’t control? Broken, wailing families — all of us in a bloodless civil war — destroying our happiness, stealing our safety and protection. When in God’s name will this hellish behavior end?

    • QueenMother – I agree with you that narcissism is becoming a public crisis. I have read everything I can get my hands on as to how one becomes a narcissist. One school of thought is that it happens in babyhood (Primary Narcissism) when the child is learning there is safety in love for others. When the child reaches out to others (usually the parents) and feels no reciprocal love, they stay stuck in the Primary Narcissism stage forever. These parents are not emotionally present and the child learns that it has only itself to rely on for comfort, safety and love. It can’t be “cured” because it it a coping machinism developed in childhood.

      The sad fact is, with the amount of infidelity, broken families, parents distracted by lovers, etc. I only see this problem as getting worse. So many teenagers have babies because they want someone to love THEM. Maybe they were raised by disconnected parents. They don’t know that babies are Primary Narcissists and it’s all about them. So these teenagers realize that it’s no fun catering to every whim of an infant, they get disenchanted with the whole thing and the child is pushed off onto grandparents, aunts and uncles, whoever will step up and take care of the child. Bam – a newly minted Narcissist.

      It’s such a vicious circle. Narcissistic parents breed addicts, children having children, lonely, disenfranchised teens who are filled with rage at the raw deal they’ve gotten. They also raise captains of industry who destroy their wives and children with their selfishness. It is too sad to contemplate sometimes. Some people give more thought to what sort of car they want to buy than whether or not they are ready to put aside their own self-interest for the baby they bring into the world.

      More than anything, people need to grow up and be adults when they have children. It’s not all about you any longer. Suck it up and raise children who have a fighting chance in this life.

          • I know, Uneffing–parenting is not for sissies.

            Love and Structure (which includes accountability for their actions). Those 2 things have gotten me through many a parenting crisis.

            • Absolutely. How many time did I have to listen to my boys try to explain their way out of trouble with me. I would listen to the full story and then have them retell it, breaking it down into segment at points of their bad choices which then caused A to result in B. Years. It wasn’t until their later teens before they would start off with, “I really messed up. Can I tell you what I did.”

              Today, I occasionally will need to ask them, “and whose fault was it?” They just smile or roll their eyes before saying, “mine.” You’re right. Parenting isn’t for sissies.

        • Yes, Unfaithful thinks he’s “God’s gift” and definitely has lost a lot because of his pride. Such hubris.

      • uneffingbelievable –

        I believe the babyhood theory is pretty sound. With my ex, his parents were young and not in love with each other, but because of religious reasons married to raise him and later his younger brother. His mother admitted to me that she lacked a real connection to him early on and later in life tried to make up for that by being more outwardly loving.

        I don’t think she understands that by then it was too late, his sense of self and coping mechanisms were already established. I made the mistake of thinking my love and devotion to him would “cure him” of these insecurities. I didn’t understand how truly dysfunctional he was until OW 2 came along.

        • Done4Good – my X as well. His mother was not connected with him as a baby at all. Life was all about her. I finally realized my X was incapable of love on a deep level. The kind of love that drives your decisions and actions. He doesn’t have it for our child either. Love is a word to him – not an emotion.

          • Wow…you nailed it. Skankboy has a narc mother, it was and is still all about her. “Love is a word to him, not an emotion.”

    • A thoughtful, compelling post Queen Mother. So true, all that you’ve said. Unfortunately, building a strong, moral, empathetic character is hard, hard work that doesn’t bring instant rewards. Just so much easier to be self-serving, impulsive, thoughtless. Goes hand-in-hand with nary a thought for the consequences of destructive, narcissistic, self-gratifying behaviour.

      How can cheater parents model integrity and altruism to their children, when they have none?

      Is it the responsibility of the school system to be a moral compass for our children? An impossible feat, when at the end of the day, children return home to broken, dysfunctional families, and automatically tune in to social media for hours, where casual sex and hook-ups are promoted and aspired to.

      Church? Diminishing attendance. How many of our children continue going to church as adolescents? Their church is the church of Facebook.

      Who can we look to to to fix the public crisis of narcissism? Family, school, church? Donald Trump?

      Depressing to think about.

    • QueenMother-
      Narcissists are absolutely a public health crisis. Along with psychopaths and sociopaths.

      I’m currently reading an book by Sandra L. Brown of saferelationshipmagazine.com called Women Who Love Psychopaths and it says that six million men in the US have psychopathic traits – low/no conscience, compulsive infidelity, lying, risky behavior, and the inability to change … Just to name a few.

      This book was written in 2009 so I’m sure that number had risen a bit.

    • When will this end? Most likely, when Jesus comes back. Until then, remember that you’re going to be very happy on that day. Those who use others as drama props won’t be. Keep your eye on the prize.

  • Ick! I started listening to Eat Pray Love when I was first separating from the Narcissist. I’m still somewhere in Bali and haven’t finished yet – but all this makes me feel so very different about the story line. gross.

    • This morning I shredded my paperback copy of EG’s book. It felt GOOD. (I’m still in anger stage.) Was originally going to just place it in the recycling bin – but then thought, nope – no one else needs to read that drivel.

  • Oh my gosh, it is hard to read this stuff. She is so desperate for attention and control AND she plans what she does to the extent of “studying the other woman”. This is one sick person and I’m glad I never wasted my time reading her book. I like your term “humblebrag” and that does seem like a valid reason for her to say things like that. I have also met people who only say bad things about themselves to solicit compliments. Ex. – Her – My thighs are fat., Response – Oh, your thighs aren’t fat. When people say bad things about themselves I always wonder how I am supposed to respond. Usually when someone tells me bad news I will say I’m sorry but when it is about their own appearance I am baffled. First of all, I don’t care if their thighs are fat (or not). Secondly, when they say that, I then wonder if they think my thighs are fat. It always makes me feel awkward. By not saying anything am I agreeing and hurting their feelings? If I say something, what do I say? Sorry to hear that? No, I say – oh, your thighs aren’t fat – to be polite.

  • The thing is, people who have never been cheated on before, probably lap this type of nonsense up without even thinking about it. They have no idea. But if you have been betrayed by your spouse to the levels that we have, then you can read right through her garbage like an x-ray.

    It’s like we’ve been given the Rosetta Stone to spot narcs and sociopaths.

    • It wasn’t too much for me to figure out that all these OW had to do was “just be different” to gain his interest. Obviously they behave in a manner that we chumps we never dream of for ourselves. But to go to the lengths of actually studying these men’s partners? That’s sociopathic!

  • The OW in my case writes books. Hers revolve around werewolves and Scotland. She has about 8 books out. Her sales reflect her skills in writing, 0%. You can brag your a writer but if no one buys your work what does that say? I have evolved as a character in her last book written around 2012-2013. My children have become characters in them also. We are the villain’s. The OW takes lovers and destroys marriages and uses the emotions generated by her actions to write stories. She loves pain and anger. Makes good writing material. She has been quiet on the writing since 2013 so I suspect there is a lover in the shadows lurking. This is fine by me. I hope my X reaps all the pain back tenfold. Then he can turn into a villain in her little sagas. At least by her writing I can gage what a pain in the ass I’m being to her. She destroyed me with her Volcan mind-meld on the highway on her last bout of writing gibberish. I believe she made my mind explode in my head on that one. She threw my boyfriend in also for colors. {smile} must of got to her that month. Terrible when a person wants to cause harm just to generate a story. Harm=story, story=book, book=money, money =happiness in her life.

  • ” Tinkering with other people’s most vulnerable emotions didn’t make me a romantic.”

    Really? She was just tinkering with people’s vulnerable emotions?

    Tinkering is now a synonym for mass destruction. I pray the women she tinkered with sue her ass.

    • Shes a serial cheater of epic proportions. How about an open marriage. No, more fun of the chase with no concern for those she helps hurt. How many notches on my belt before i die she thinks. Bitch.

    • I always get a cartoonish visual that every Nick Dunne gets an Amazing Amy to wipe him out. Or flip side every Gweneth Paltrow gets a Michael Douglas from A Perfect Murder.
      Nothing more life affirming than contending with a wicked angry, smart and vengeful chump.
      Sadly, I’m too nice to ever execute such a plan..

  • Hmmm she reminds me of my ex- (if she were a gay man). She very much is focused on herself and her actions and not the feelings of the spouses who are betrayed. Truth be told, it doesn’t feel like she REALLY sees this as a problem. This was how my ex- was. He was extremely articulate and genuine-seeming, able to provide “insight” and recognize patterns with just the right words. But somehow this articulation was a completely separate world from action. He never truly held himself accountable. It was like he was telling me a great story about someone — not him — who was doing all these terrible, mercurial, destabilizing things and this “someone” would/should/could improve. Promises were made, blah blah blah, but I could tell nothing really had changed over the years deep down. And it’s the same with this Eat, Pray, Love woman. She seems to love telling these stories and getting intense about self-deprecation, but she’ll bounce back without spending a genuine moment figuring out the incremental changes necessary to recognize a lasting change. How do I know? Because she says “there is no way to stop a destructive behavior except to stop.” That’s a blatant excuse to not make any small, concrete steps in the right direction. All-or-nothing was my ex-‘s go-to as well. (He thought very highly of himself so he figured he could just up and change through his immense self-discipline, I guess?)

    I don’t see this woman stopping her behavior any time soon.

    • Well so long as she finds someone to prey on, she will never change. These predators need to find themselves completely isolated and alone, to understand the havoc and damage they caused to others. But so long as she will find someone who wants to get into a relationship with her, she will use this person as her supply and she will never chage.

  • She considers herself irresistable. After all, what dirtbag could resist such a deal: a discount (FREE) prostitute! Irresistable, yeah.

    • My cheater even told me once “This is how guys are. If a woman is offering pu$$y we are going to take her up on it. It doesnt matter what she looks like. Pu$$y is pu$$y.Its all pink on the insude.” Irresistable. Lol. Keep telling yourself that.lol

  • The whore in my situation did study me – she morphed into everything I am not. She had the “Cindy For Dummies” guide – my XH telling her everything that he hated about me.

    Coincidentally(?) her first husband was married when she met him. He was into Cappoeria. Of course, she developed a keen interest in that too. They divorced – she claimed he cheated on her (GASP!) after 2 years of marriage. I think her interest in Cappoeria faded with the divorce paperwork – or maybe the marriage license.

    Then along comes my cheater. The weakest of the pack apparently. She had vetted others at their office including men with children. My little darling fell for her schtick. He is a marathon runner. OMG! She had an interest in that too!!! – but only once she knew he loved it – and of course, I wasn’t a runner. I’d support him by making a huge 5 course meal from scratch after his races. She has now run a ton of half marathons with him. Never ran before they met though. She also demonstrated her cooking skills – in my kitchen, so she could compete there as well. Also, they both went to PAC 12 schools. She wore his school’s sweatshirt their first Thanksgiving together – a few weeks after our 70 day divorce – at his parent’s house. Her wedding bouquet was his alma matter’s color – bright orange. I thought his midlife obsession with his mediocre college was lame.

    So yeah, the predatory OW like this sort of shit – I mean suduction.

    • Hi Cindy,

      Did your cheater go to Oregon State perchance? That’s the only mediocre PAC 12 school I can think of that has orange as a color. My cheater did too!!!

      Like your marathon runners, his latest OW developed a huge interest in golf so as to share their twu wuv in a wholesome outdoor activity.

      They also shared a mutual interest in analyzing my weaknesses and how I made him so unhappy. Now that I read this article, I do think she was trying to be everything I am not. It must have been pretty easy for her, though because she’s a slutty whore who sleeps with married men, and I’m not.

      One other mutual interest they have (that I think she did have prior to meeting him) is getting so drunk they can’t stand up. Literally. She once fell down coming out of a bar with him, broke her ankle, and had to have surgery. She later sued the bar for $300,000.

      • Hi Champchump! YES…he did go to OSU..Go “Beavs” (LOL)!

        It’s amazing how quickly a whore can game a guy. “Oh, OSU? You went THERE?!!! I LOVE that school! See me wear an Oregon State sweatshirt because I know how special it is to you? ..and it really is a special school (crosses fingers behind it’s back because it would know that her school was as good, if not better)”. And the whore in your situation likes golf? Amazing how that happens. So great when soulmates connect and share the very same activities. Even better when that activity can be enjoyed while consuming alcohol – the other favored hobby! I don’t know if my XH’s whore drinks – she looks like a crystal meth tweeker, but I’d say most likely it’s just unfortunate genes.

        Of course, you’re right. They do have the best shared activity aside from golf. He let’s her grade your paper. “Champchump really failed to meet my expectations in this category.” “Oh no. How horrible for you! I’m really exceptional in that category. See?” It’s just the pick me dance I guess. So easy to win when the other person doesn’t know they’re competing. That’s the only chance these whores have to land someone.

        • OMG I SO can relate. “Oh, you love to sail? Why wouldn’t SHE let you sail?” (I NEVER wouldn’t let him sail BTW, I always wanted to know why WE never went sailing is the absolute truth) But back to the whore…”Well, I love to sail, in fact, I live on a sailboat and my mean ex (I broke up HIS marriage too) gave me $$ for the boat so we could start a charter biz and then he left poor little old me and I need $$$ and a new partner” “Oh, YOU owned a charter boat biz too? What a coincidence! Look at the wonderful life we could have without your MEAN wife!!!”” What other shared activity could I pretend to love just so you’ll leave your wife of 25 years??? Hmmm? I’m good at this. Just tell me all about it…

  • Terrifying insight into the mind of these disordered fucks. My STBXH actually told me that the OWhore started working on him – texting, etc – a year before he finally “gave in” and “agreed” to have an affair with her. And she was married at the time too! Just like EG described studying the wife, the OWhore pretended to be my friend and my children’s friend so she could worm her way into my family and into his bed. And then continued to love bomb the children and me while fucking my STBXH behind our backs. Unfuckingbelievable. Can’t wait for the karma bus to hit STBXH when OWhore needs another hit on the seduction pipe.

  • Ugh. I remember when that book came out, when then wife (and cheatin’ narcissist) read it while we took our family vacation with our kids to Italy, we had saved for years, i was a great trip. She was already cheating on me at the time. I can remember having such a gut revulsion to that book as she read it and talked to me about it. To her credit she though it was vapid, but she liked it. Now I know why.

    I will say that Elizabeth Gilbert does offer some insight on how these people work, I am honestly impressed with the self reflection here, and I feel like I learned something about my ex. But of course, she revels in her amazing enlightened self knowledge and shows zilch remorse for misrepresenting herself… actually “lying” would be a good word… or better, “selfish monster who feeds off the pain of others after knowingly misrepresenting herself”

    Also a cautionary tale for anyone who feels the high of being attracted to people (when you are SINGLE) and how to determine when it is not just some selfish exercise.

  • I never read Eat, Pray, Love. The movie pissed me off so much, that I didn’t bother. I just remember at the end of the movie thinking “WTF?” The character was so vain, shallow, and selfish. She left a good husband and acted clueless as to why he’d be hurt. But hey, she was finding herself or whatever the hell, movies usually depart from the book and real life, but maybe this one, not so much.

    • Why does this type of person seem to enjoy inflicting pain on innocents? From what ive learned here, it seems they have empty gaps in their psyches. They dont feel empathy. I think their emotions might be blunted too. Maybe they feel empty inside and need to fill that emptiness with excitement, novelty or even other peoples emotions. They like drama. What is more dramatic than someone elses anguish? It must fill them up pretty good…for a while. Then they get bored and go off to find more excitement. Sick.

  • I found her NY Times article sort of fascinating. The title should be ‘The Borderline Personality Disorder Manifesto’ — as it cracks open the head of these people so we can see how they operate. Like this nugget: “the trick was to study the other woman and to become her opposite, thereby positioning myself to this man as a sparkling alternative to his regular life.”

    In my singledom, I briefly dated a man who had BPD. I called him the shapeshifter (which is exactly what she describes). While I feel for these people because they so desperately want love, they are merciless to their victims….like those stories of lifeguards being drowned by the swimmers they are trying to rescue.

    Thankfully there is CL, CN & other great online resources to help you steer away and recover from these people.

    • I was diagnosed with BPD in my early 20s. I went for therapy, which included EMDR and was re-evaluated in 2012. Apparently I no longer fit the criteria, which makes sense to me because I no longer experience the “emotional flooding” that I used to, I haven’t felt suicidal in over a decade and I am able to be accountable for the effects of my actions on others (day-to-day in general). I also wasn’t the cheater in my marriage.

      I don’t think this woman has BPD. She’s a much more disturbing individual that has completely zero empathy for anyone else’s pain, even in the abstract sense. I think she’s more like a sociopath.

      The best way I use to explain the difference between BPD and NPD is this:

      If you break up with someone who has BPD, they’ll tell you: “I have nothing to live for, I’m going to go walk off a cliff.”

      If you break up with someone who has NPD they’ll tell you “Whatever. You think you’re special? Go walk off of a cliff.”

      ( my father is diagnosed NPD, which is probably how I ended up being BPD from my whacked out childhood)

      • I know people with BPD and other mental illness who are good kind empathetic people who do NOT treat people like disposable garbage.
        I agree with you 100% EG is a narcissist to the 100th degree and she is profiting from the destruction she reaps on other people’s lives and is on a power trip. She is proud of herself and full of nothing but shit.

  • Sorry for the long post, but she unnerved me from the beginning, did so again with the NYT piece, and yet again, reading CL’s post.

    Gilbert gives me the dreads. In both her NYT article and latest FB post, I can see clearly what I so often cannot when it’s right in front of my face. She’s an assassin.

    I note:

    1. Confessions of a demon, one who identifies as a werewolf.* From an obscure novel, in which a knight finds himself imprisoned in a dungeon cell with a werewolf (here, “lycanthrope”). The knight reports:
    “It was evidently a man in the most horrid paroxysm of lycanthropy . . . ‘Examine me,” said the unhappy wretch; ‘I tell thee I am a wolf. TRUST NOT my human skin – the hairs grow inward, and I am a wolf within – a [human being] outward only.’”**

    2. Intoxication by power, and covert celebration of monstrosity. Her story is cruelty steeped in prose that gaslights. Did I mention celebration of monstrosity? I wonder if Gilbert knows that one of Hitler’s headquarters was named, you guessed it, in German, “Werwolf.”

    3. The N Narrative. Glamorization of depravity. Navel-gazing self-indulgence about inflicting pain, cloaked in mysterious words such as “transmutation.” Ah. Lest we be repelled? An instant shift to how SHE suffered. It’s “excruciating and terrifying.”

    4. Remorse or empathy? Less than zero. God help us all and the culture that helps to fuel her kind, especially RIC experts.

    5. Impression management of the highest order, except something’s off. Maybe it’s the persona about face. Years’ spent enshrining the compulsion to confess, and now she’s taciturn? But of course … splitting amicably is what enlightened people do.

    She is a lot of things. Enlightened is not among them.

    I don’t have to go to a movie theater to see the transmutation of what appears to be a human being into a werewolf. And it’s no act. I have the only seat in the house. No, Gilbert. With sleight of hand, which I’m pretty sure some part of you understands is blameshifting, here’s the correction: To be the target of a werewolf, especially when they shapeshift back into what looks like a human being, is excruciating and terrifying … beyond anything I have ever had to face, and FOO gave me plenty.

    Here’s an idea for your next book, Gilbert. Go talk to the women and men whose lives you destroyed. Take a tape recorder. I promise, you’re too fucked up to get the retelling of it straight. See if you can write a book about them. YOU get to be in the book only to this extent: You describe, using the word “I” and an active verb, what you did to create their suffering. Don’t editorialize. I am not interested in what you think is your intrigue. Pretend you’re an old school journalist. You’re good at pretending. Once you’ve explained what you did, and only what you did, let us know what you find – about the people you abused, about their grief and disbelief and agony. Ask them what they’d like to say to you (are you recording?). Print that part, too.

    Oh, and keep it amicable.

    *Wikipedia is actually pretty good on the subject of werewolves. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Werewolf
    ** Maturin, Charles Robert. The Albigenses: A Romance (4 volumes in 2; London: Printed for Hurst, Robinson, and Co.; Edinburgh: A. Constable and Co., 1824) (my emphasis)

  • I read this book right around the time I found out asshole was cheating. I usually don’t read this sort of thing but I liked the book, partly it was an easy read and partly it was a way to fantasize my way out of what was happening IRL, I didn’t realize it was supposed to true, thought it was fiction when I read it. I found the movie boring and never finished watching it. When I realized it was supposed to be her biography all I could think of was how fucking privileged she is to be able to afford to just go round the world like that. Now I feel sorry for the dudes she married.

  • I swear that but for the name difference, this is the woman I loved years ago. Their activities do not only hurt those that love their targets.

    Congratulations!! Your efforts paid off and you became a nice piece of ass for your target. So glad your dreams came true. Slut!!

    That was years ago. Target’s family has now rebuilt without target, and I have rebuilt without the slut.

    Target and slut? They did not last a year. Both have moved on to other victims to ruin other lives without thought or care. Why do these people even exist?

  • I’m not sure what this disgusting excuse for a human being is trying to promote, self-absorption or self-flagellation. Regardless, on behalf of those at CN, I offer Ms. EPL this response, courtesy of one of the world’s most prominent philanderers,

    “Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.”

  • Obviously this is full of narcissism, but as I’ve been reading up on sociopathy recently at my therapist’s suggestion (!), I can’t help noticing this ticks those boxes perfectly too: 1) pathological lying, can often pass a lie detector test, as lying is part of the sociopath’s innate makeup; 2) Shallow emotion, exhibits outward charm but holds inward scorn for others; 3) Overblown ego (total self-centeredness) and sense of entitlement, feelings that whatever they want is their right to have regardless of harm done to others to obtain it; 4) Feel their behavior is justified; 5) Desire to control and manipulate others, sees others more as targets to be victimized than as “people”; 6) Vindictive when thwarted; 7)Keenly aware of the weaknesses of others and will exploit those weaknesses to their own advantage, loves to con others for pleasure or for profit; 8) Versatile and chameleon-like, changes image and life story as needed to attain immediate goals; 9) Lack of conscience, no sense of remorse, guilt, or regret.

    7) and 8) are particularly telling. *shudder*

    The amazing thing to me – though it shouldn’t be, it’s textbook too – is that the author so blatantly just admits all of this. Like she understands intellectually that people don’t think it’s okay, but she can’t help but think she’s pretty awesome and believes people reading this will, too.

  • A few years ago, everybody wanted to read Eat Pray Love in my book club. I read the first chapter and either eye rolled or gagged for most of it. I declined the discussion for the month.

  • A year ago (before D-Day), I had no idea that these “people” who would go about destroying other people’s lives for their own sick pleasure even existed. Now, it feels like they are everywhere. It’s scary. It reminds me of this quote:

    “As a child, I never imagined that all of the real monsters in the world would be humans.”-Mobeen Hakeem

    • You know, there are times when each of us gets absorbed in her/his own drama. And so the lack of empathy may seem to manifest. But for normal people, it’s a temporary state, we get up, get over and are able to function like caring, loving people. Others are not. Seems that some people are stunned at a developmental age and they remain stuck in this self absorbed, “the world is spinning around me” state. They never develop into caring, loving people.
      How do they manage to give the appearance that they are loving and caring? I get the concept of spackle, but how can they fool everyone around them?

  • Not much different from many men I knew humningbirds flitting from flower to flower, savoring their sector, getting the ‘juice’ they wanted, and moving on to the next.

    But here’s a question: Does Gilbert’s sex life, narcissitic as it is, negate the good book that she wrote? Does anyone’s sex life negate their good work, be it Einstein, Clinton, Hallande, etc?

    • A good question and one worth pondering. Some of the greatest people in history, those who have contributed immensely to the betterment of the human condition, have had a dark side, a nasty side, a really horrible side. And yet both dark and light sides manage to co-exist, AT THE SAME TIME without negating each other. This seems to be the reality of quite a few very talented, complex people, and I know some people like that – completely lovable at times, and complete bastards at others. Extremely gifted on the one hand and often remarkably shallow on the other. Reminds me of this quote: “The greater light you have, the greater shadow you cast.”

      Of course, this doesn’t mean that all shadows that people exhibit are excusable or acceptable. Or that you’d want to be friends with it. Or that you would want to be married to it! A lot of gifted people make horrible spouses. Cheating especially makes them vile assholes who I wouldn’t want in my life. But I don’t think that negates the fact that their gifts are real and that their contributions to the world can be very positive.

      Here’s an example that I’ve struggled with: Lance Armstrong. Here’s a guy who cheated and lied to a degree of almost Biblical proportions, and whose fall from grace was nearly as monumental. Yet because of his fame (based on cheating and lies) he put together a foundation that has helped a great many people. If you were one of those people who were helped, how would you think about that? It seems to me that both his light and shadow are inexplicably linked.

      Ok, I’m off topic now, but I think the question is worth considering. And in the end, what do we do about it? Just condemn all cheaters as pure evil? We have to throw out a hell of a lot of people in history then.

      • Regarding the Light and Shadow question, there are BILLIONS of people on the planet. I don’t really know of a situation where a person’s “contribution” to humanity is so special that I have to ignore their character

    • Fair question, though I have yet to encounter any Elizabeth Gilbert work I didn’t deem vomitworthy.

    • Hi Diane — no, I don’t think their talent or their good work negates their low character. In fact, I think of it the other way around: a person’s good character negates their lack of talent or great works.

  • And would love to hear from her 12-year partner about his point of view. Did he know? Was he complicit? Did he f..k around too?

  • Couldn’t get past the first chapter, an ex-friend raved about it, turns out she was a cheater…..oh oh but the guy had an open marriage, don’t think she clarified that with the wife…enuf said

  • This article illustrates how greed is at the core of narcissism.

    That’s what I was after: the telekinesis-like sensation of steadily dragging somebody’s fullest attention toward me and only me. My guilt about the other woman was no match for the intoxicating knowledge that — somewhere on the other side of town — somebody couldn’t sleep that night because he was thinking about me. If he needed to sneak out of his house after midnight in order to call, better still. That was power, but it was also affirmation. I was someone’s irresistible treasure. I loved that sensation, and I needed it, not sometimes, not even often, but always.

    She has a husband but he is not enough, She says she wants someone’s full attention on her and only her. The “someone” she is talking about is a man already in a committed relationship with another woman. The “other woman” as she calls her is actually the one who is entitled to her husband or boyfriend’s full attention on her and only her. Someone with empathy would realize that and steer clear of an attached man instead of telling themselves, “Game On!” and moving full speed ahead. Her husband is her husband and anyone else’s husband is fair game. She is not satisfied with nor does she appreciate what she has so she greedily sets out to take what belongs to another.

    The grandiose false self never has enough validation. It “always” needs to be validated and is only limited by whatever the traffic will bear.

    • Reading that quote again, it made me realise another missing human trait: longing. She just collects, she is not invested emotionally. Where are the thoughts about missing somebody, or even desire? Not such thing on her part. This isn’t about matters of the heart, this is pure Ego, selfishness, the dark side.
      The expression “cold blooded” looses it’s power. A true vampire, lack of humanity.

  • Regarding EG, I can’t help but think, ‘So many personality disorders, so little time’ to subject others to them. She sounds like a vampire.

  • Oh it is sweet to read about Gilbert’s divorce. I shouldn’t be gleeful, but I detested “Eat Pray Love” and ChumpLady in several comments has unearthed the slightly buried awfulness that Gilbert tried to conceal — that she is a serial cheater.

    P.S. In 2006, I wrote a 1-star review of the book on Amazon.com … to my surprise, it ended up with 260 “likes,” including from people who state they enjoyed the book at the time of reading, but found my critique to have merit and to give them second thoughts.

    http://www.amazon.com/review/RQ6IZ8G2VA48P

  • Long-time ex-chump & reader, first time poster.

    ChumpLady, nails it again. When I saw her ‘Seduction Addict’ piece, my first thought was, “let the false representation lawsuits fly!”, but alas that hasn’t yet happened.Gilbert is a fraud and classic cheater. Just one more example to be thrown on the pile of “Trust That They Suck”.

  • After reading this, my first thought went straight to the chosen actress for the movie: Julia Roberts. Great match. Only someone of the same kind can “feel” that vibe.
    Because in all honesty, the movie didn’t impress me, make me feel anything or make me want to watch again.
    Humblebragging, exactly! And not even trying to dress up the fact about the budget. Who lives like that, anyway? 1% of the population? She just lost her audience at that!
    Thanks for the analysis Chump Lady, you are sharp as a knife!

  • The truth is, that on the other side of town, that man is kissing his wife goodnight, telling her that he loves her, and only her, then he holds her while she falls asleep. And after that, he sneaks out to call his mistress. And he will tell his mistress the same thing: that he loves her and only her.

    How deluded these ‘other women’ are! ‘Stealing’ a man indeed! He is undoubtedly playing both of them.

    I am becoming more and more convinced that the ‘exit affair’ is rare. In the end, my ex was transparent (to me) about the fact that he wanted his wife and family and his girlfriend too. To everyone else he played the ‘I’ve been unhappy for my entire marriage’ card, because unhappy marriages and wanting to move on is something that other people can understand, and the ‘exit affair pill’ is easy to swallow. He also played the unhappy marriage card with his girlfriend, all the while telling me how much he loved me.

    A former friend of mine, whose husband was very difficult, had an affair which everyone thought was an ‘exit affair’. When her husband found out, he did all he could to save the marriage, and it became apparent that she was enjoying all of the attention from lover and husband. Finally she chose her lover, but did not file for divorce for two years. In the end her husband filed. After the divorce, while still living with her affair partner, she kept tabs on her husband, telling a mutual friend of ours how her sons told her how much his family hated his new girlfriend (how dare he move on!) and how his sons never spent time with their dad. My daughter, who is friends with his teenage sons, laughed when I told her this and said his kids were round there all the time and were always talking about their dad. The more I heard, the more I realised that she too, had wanted both of them, and only chose one when she was forced too. All her friends had bought into the ‘exit affair’ rubbish she promoted.

    • Serious, I like you framed her: “a former friend”. You more than learned your lessons, now you can see through the fog.
      Most people believe what they are told. Until it happens to them and they start to see more clear.
      I had a colleague. He returned from parental leave and was telling the whole office how awful his girlfriend is (they were not married). And I mean all the office. I was pregnant at the time and did not want that negative energy, so I cut him short. But he was adamant to say how awful she was, from being drunk, crazy, to beat him up while he was asleep. Oh, and how she got his money straight on her card. He mentioned that he took the baby abroad, which I assume was the reason he was in court, for child kidnapping.

      Straight forward to today, with my lesson learned.
      – that she was crazy? I heard the same thing about me, my SBXH is telling around. Why did he choose a crazy partner in the first place?
      – that she beat him through the sleep? That’s dramatic, but I wonder WHAT DID HE DO to cause her reaction?
      – that she was drunk? I highly doubt a nursing mother drinks
      – that she had his paycheck on her card. That thing is too brazen, not even sure it’s possible
      He kidnapped the baby. That probably was the cherry on top of his passive aggressive behaviour. No wonder she was mad at him. I would be too!
      The parental leave – that’s exactly what my SBXH did as a cover for his own carnal pleasures. Ykes!
      The fact that he had the energy and audacity to tell EVERYONE personal details about his intimate partner is a huge signal. It’s not the reaction of a victim, it’s the perpetrator!

  • I never understood how readers glossed over the fact that this woman was a serial cheater and gravitated to her as some kind of a self help/discovery diva. I guess it is all in how one wishes to perceive what is before their eyes.

    So, sad…

  • Eat.Pray.Yawn. That’s what I thought when her book first came out and now all she does is irritate me more. I remember reading a passage from the book describing her angst over her divorce and thinking “what a self indulgent faker”. ugh..

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