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Dear Chump Lady, Can I please destroy the OW?

rowDear Chump Lady,

My husband confessed on New Years Eve to an emotional affair with a subordinate. I spent 12 months suspecting, he spent 12 months telling me I was delusional and needed professional help. Standard shit, above average mental abuse.

I’m a smoking hot mama, good body, dress like a rock star, stay at home sex machine who writes, paints, works in film freelance. I am cool. (Or at least I was before 2013, now I feel like a pathetic chump). Not needy, independent, never snooped in 27 years. Married 18 years, together 27 (I was 18) and had a drama free marriage. Until we didn’t. There were cracks, obviously, (financial, midlife, teenagers, first world shit) but another woman was not what I thought was going to happen.

Here’s my thang: Dickwad ended this in September, but I have all the emails from 18 months before. It reads like a 14 year old’s love life. She’s my age, a crap writer (judging by the correspondence), she looks like a mouth-breathing catfish. (Seriously. I should totally post her pic here), he never loved her, she never said she loved him, she’s a hillbilly married to an apparently nice guy, they have four kids. She still writes business emails that are too familiar, I get them all, but the contact is just business.

My ass-husband told me once she was in good shape and that was something he found attractive about her. I’m now obsessed with her. I’ve met her once (she dresses like my mother in law, not a compliment) and I saw her another occasion — a funeral where she stared at me non stop (with her mouth open, see above) — this was of course when their romance was blooming. Besides having more sex than we’ve had in like forever, the last 6 weeks have been awful as I try to navigate my next move. I’m on the fence about my future. He copies me on all their emails, she no longer texts. And I’m obsessed with her. This is someone I would have never crossed paths with in a million years, since I don’t RV at Walmart, so why is she taking up the space in my head? Can you please take her the fuck out of my mind? Can I anonymously destroy her? Please?

Nic

Dear Nic,

Oh sure. I have my newly patented ray gun right here. It zaps unrepentant cheaters with a beam of neutralizing ions, freshens and deodorizes too!

Okay I don’t have a ray gun. (Drat.) But if I did, I’d aim at your husband and not the OW. He’s the real problem here. You’re obsessed with the Catfish because in your gut you don’t trust a damn word he says. She’s a threat. We’re primal animals — we can sense a threat.

So they worked together, still work together, it was an 18-month affair (that you know of) and he’s saying it was just “emotional”? Ye-ah. You might want to rethink that. If the emails you have are from his work account, and those are the ones you’re cc-ed on now, consider that they’ve been using another account to conduct the affair, and have kept work emails G-rated (i.e., like a 14 year old’s love life). Grown-ups in close proximity don’t generally carry on in a goopy, obsessive fashion unless they’re fucking. If you only had a few weeks of this, okay, I might believe an emotional affair. But a year and a half? No.

Whatever evidence you have, you need to share it with Mr. Catfish, father of four. He deserves to know what his wife has been up to, emotional affair or otherwise. Tell him because he deserves the dignity of the knowing the truth. And tell him because it rains consequences down upon the OW and keeps her on a shorter leash (if her husband wants to reconcile). If her husband dumps her, and she’s off the leash, that’s good to know too. She’s free and focused on your husband? You’re going to know about the affair, because she will put demands on your husband.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he “confessed” on New Year’s Eve. Affairs are often revealed at the holiday season, because it becomes harder for cheaters to juggle their double lives. He probably wanted to get in front of the narrative to control it. Just an emotional affair. His actions — gas lighting, blame shifting, mental abuse — show that he’s not one bit sorry. Oh, that and the fact that he STILL WORKS WITH HER. If he wants to reconcile with you, dude needs to find another job. That must be on the table. And he also needs a soul — he needs to feel terrible about what he did. Seems to me he’s just really enjoying the pick me dance from you — more sex, you obsessing about the OW, and playing marriage police. OW flirted with him! That wasn’t business! Sends you into a spasm of pick me sex. Win, win for him. You know what else goads the pick me dance? Him telling you how attractive the OW is.

Fuck him. You know how you stop obsessing about the OW? You start trusting that your husband sucks. He’s not a prize to fight over. He’s a guy who dished out, in your words “above average mental abuse.” He cheated and he doesn’t seem terribly sorry. His big concession to transparency is cc-ing you on flirty work emails.

As I’ve said here before — he’s a dog turd. Don’t fight over a dog turd. She wants to fight for a dog turd? That says more about her than the fact that she’s a mouth-breathing hillbilly. It says she’s a moral dimwit. Be above this. Know your worth.

Put the focus back on yourself. Is this treatment acceptable to YOU? Is this the marriage you want? Do you feel safe in this marriage? Can you ever feel safe again? Do you think you’re getting the whole truth? Time to pull out the big guns. As you say you’re already on the fence, go see a lawyer.

You have power here, and your husband needs to understand that. Workplace affair? He’s putting his company in danger of a harassment lawsuit. (Yes, even consensual relationships can be considered creating the wrong sort of environment.) And she’s a subordinate. Your lawyer can threaten to depose the affair partner and anyone else who knows about this workplace affair. I’d say, get out of this marriage before he’s fired for this inappropriate relationship. Use the leverage of exposing this affair to win a settlement off him. Stop taking his shit, and stop pick me dancing.

Nothing like empowerment to erase thoughts of the OW. She’s a symptom of his entitlement. If it weren’t her, it would be another set of trailer park tits. The problem is that your husband thinks it’s okay to fuck around on you and blame you for it. Time to rock his world. And I don’t mean in bed, I mean in a lawyer’s office.

This column ran previously.

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  • You had me at “mouth breathing catfish”
    This will be my new nickname for my STILL NOT MY EX…husband.
    I was you….I obsessed over his whore…like to the point of crazy. I . Had. To. Know. Everything.
    It made me feel like I had control over a situation I really had no control over.
    STOP….
    Listen to ChumpLady….
    He is NOT a prize. Lawyer up….
    And you will see how much happier you end up being not trying to measure up to bottom feeding, mouth breathing catfish.
    4 years later I can say all this…but only in the last year have I gotten out of that crazy hamster wheel of pick me… and guess what…I am happy….still not divorced…but looking forward to it.
    And them…well…they look miserable together. Old…tired…haggered…like catfish on the side of the creek bed….
    I keep getting asked what I use on my skin, did I get Botox, what is going on…I look YOUNGER….it’s called Happiness…it’s apply that to my face every day. And it shows.
    Who needs Botox when you can divorce the asshole causing you stress.
    Good luck.

    • Yup, I look and feel younger too!
      My life maintenance mess were cut by a third during divorce.
      I exercise daily because I have the time ndenergy now.
      I look and feel better in my 40’s than I did in my 30’s with Narkles the Clown.
      That’s what happens when you extricate your self from an abusive stressful situation.
      I also advise going No Contact, as it is the path to the truth and the light. Once you are out of the mindfuck zone you will think more clearly and be able to see that mental and emotional abuse as it is happening.
      Good luck.

    • The Legal assistant thought my ex was over 60 and me closer to 50. Yep, stress and leading a double life will age you. I, on the other hand have been complements all over the place about how young and happy I look. I have even been asked if I have lost weight. My reply “Why yes, 250 pounds of ugly fat”.

      • In the end …we were sitting in the hospital…him texting the other women in front of me..me pleading for him to talk to me..him ignoring me and waiting for his bowel to untwist! Finally the Ahole spoke to me..”I want a divorce …NO lawyers..ill take care of you and the kids after I am free”! I told Ahole “Sorry I gotta look out for myself”! He then stopped talking to me and the lord came down and twisted the bowels dome more..he needed surgery! Those were the 7 days I used to go home and lawyer up…I also was able to get many important documents that he would have hidden if he was home! I filed when he came home…he didn’t know as it took a while to serve him…As I waited he told my son I was mentally unstable and he told me I was about to get a knife in my back! He then went further locking every room in the house…cutting the phones…removing items to storage areas.. dating the other woman in front of me before he found out!

    • OMG, This is what I have experienced! People have told me I look younger and happier! I have lost weight, but I think I do look happier. I saw the X last weekend first time in about 3 months. I didn’t speak to him, but he looks older, has gained weight and more grey hair! I guess him and the Howorker aren’t having as much fun now that they don’t have to sneak. Hmm, wonder which one will cheat first! 🙂

  • DTMFA. He’s already made his decision and it doesn’t include you. Get a great lawyer and file first.

  • I understand that your husband is the cause of the problems you are having, but psychologically these whores mess with your mind as well. I’m not sure exactly why, but I know they do so you are not alone.

    Luckily, I was “acquainted” with the ex’s skank. I say that because I know that whatever feelings I had toward her came from the situation itself and not her as a person. Of course, he hid the sCumBucket’s identity but he’s stupid and I did find out who she was .

    I do know I was never actually “jealous” of her, because if I was it would have started when I met her, not after I found out she was fucking my husband. There’s a big difference. I didn’t like this bitch, never had a voluntary conversation with her in my life. In other words, like the whore in your story, she was nothing to be jealous (is, obsessed) with. She’s really just an average run of the mill desperate whore, like the rest.

    • “She’s really just an average run of the mill desperate whore, like the rest.”

      This pretty much sums it all up. Well said!

    • What is it with protecting the OWhore’s secret identity? My Ex never expected me to find out he was fucking someone but I did, and when I confronted him on DDay night after his secret date with her, he refused to tell me her name, proclaiming, “That information is PRIVATE!”

  • I do agree with the other advice, BTW. Expose this whore to her husband, and in general. She’s a menace to society, and wives probably dismiss her as a threat cause she’s ugly. Then ditch your loser husband, they are equals on a level you could never stoop to.

    • I agree. My ex had a long term “emotional” affair with someone in a private Facebook group. When he backed off, she acquired a large group of other men in the same Facebook forum and began the same systematic messaging/ego stroking/ pattern and caused several of those men’s marriages to falter. This resulted in two divorces and one reconciliation where the wife is squeezing his balls so tight he’s been screaming in repentant agony ever since.
      One of the women whose “marital strife” was caused by her husband getting chummy with this woman wrote me to tell me that she’s in the process of getting a package together for the “Facebook other woman’s” husband. Apparently he’s a hardworking clueless good guy who trusts his wife implicitly and loves her and his three kids very much. How sad. I’m long past giving a shit if my ex still has contact with this gal, but I sort of think her husband needs to know. It’s not going to be pretty, but at least the poor sap will be operating from a position of power and knowledge Instead of cluelessness.

  • I enjoyed your description of the OW, but from all you say of her, she still sounds too good for him. In other words, your husband is a shit and I think you should seriously consider not having sex with a shit who would treat you the way he has and continues to do. You do sound like a cool person. You can do better so go do better. It will leave the OW obsessing about YOU while she is stuck with your ex.

    • “It will leave the OW obsessing about YOU while she is stuck with your ex.” She wanted my life since my ex was my ‘Sugar Daddy”. Well he is now an Artificial Sweetner Daddy since got most of what she lusted after. Now she is stuck – well they aren’t married yet – but she has my life now and she can have it!

      • “It will leave the OW obsessing about YOU while she is stuck with your ex.”

        This is it exactly! And this is where triangulation comes in. I passed the torch after DDay. I spoke with her and filled her in on his cycle of serial cheating. For Gods sake she knows because he told her he was married. She has been obsessed with me since day one.

        She taunted me and wanted me to want him. WTF? I believe HE sets this up to control her. He WANTS her to believe I still want him. He’s delusional. Now he’s driving by my home and I live on a private road. WHY? I live 45 minutes from his dumpy apatrment. Sick fucks.

  • I get this, my X tried to rub it in my face how amazing his GF was too, and also claimed it was only an emotional affair which i found out months later was not true. I am in great shape, look much younger then i am, I do yoga, dress nice, am a musician and a writer, good paying job that supports him and the family…she is a wrinkly, wicked-witch-of-the-west look-a-like, so why? Because they can. They think it is a game.

    It is not the OW that is the problem. She is not worth your time. Put the focus where it belongs, your messed up husband that treated you and your family like you were yesterday’s news. He is still lying to you if he hasn’t confessed to the whole affair, meaning it probably was much more than emotional. He just isn’t ready to pull the plug yet. I suggest you do it for him.

  • I can understand this point of view. I used to think OM was messed up because he was able to bring his wife around my wife and kids on a weekly basis (and in front of Switzerland friends that knew about the A). He’d play with my kids and talk to my wife like nothing. I couldn’t even conceive of doing something like that if I were seeing some other woman – and that’s one of the reasons I didn’t think anything could possibly be going on between him and my wife.

    And yet, they were messing around the whole time.

    It took a while, but I finally came to the realization that not only was that messed up of the OM to do, how messed up is my wife to play along with him? How messed up are the both of them?

    Yes I would love to (fill in the blank – I can’t because I don’t want to be locked up) the OM and I think he’s a complete d-bag. But I also need to bear in mind that my wife was there alongside him throughout that circus – and involving our children no less. And yet I’m the one who saw a therapist.

    What a mindfuck.

    • Blindside, it was the same for me. My ex had the OW’s kids calling him “Uncle.” He was trying to get me to pick out presents for her daughter. After discovering some of his writing where he described how he was “planting seeds” to break up OW’s marriage, my older son had fun questioning his dad about the OW and her husband. He was amazed as he watched his dad lie and pretend OW and her husband were just his friends. Cheaters are really good at leading double lives. Most normal people would die from a painful conscience, but cheaters just enjoy the game of duplicity. Makes them feel powerful.

      • “Most normal people would die from a painful conscience, but cheaters just enjoy the game of duplicity. Makes them feel powerful.”

        I agree. Most of us would feel sick to our stomachs to lie to loved ones, and would probably lose sleep over it. But not cheaters. They are just happy to act selfishly and without any remorse, without a second thought in their conscience. Self selving assholes.

        • Agree i could never do to him or anyone else what he did to me and i hope he dies miserable and alone and he gets ten times the pain he did to me. I can dream i guess.

        • That kept going through my head as I read nowdeadserialcheaterwife’s chat logs after she died. Like, “I get that she didn’t love me, and I can wrap my head around that. But to read this, I have to wonder, did she even /like/ me? How could you do this to someone you even merely like?”

          • HeatDeath

            I came to the conclusion he hated me. Perhaps it’s better described as USE. Or it may be self hatred projected? Selfcerteredness alone cannot encompass all they do. I’m settling on sociopath.

      • My ex actually made the OW godmother to our youngest and has her calling her “Auntie”. When I confronted the OW about her affair with him, I let her know that she can have him. I don’t fight over shit.

        The divorce was just made final and awaiting the decree…he’s your problem now, hun!

        • “I don’t fight over shit.”

          I’m quoting this, thanks Kurleegirl :)! And congrats on your almost final decree!!

  • If he confessed on New Years Eve, I guarantee that he was given an ultimatum: “Either you tell the wife, or I will!” Everyone I know who has given an ultimatum (usually around getting engaged… how romantic!) always gave January 1 as the deadline.

    And trust us, Nic, he was fucking her. If he wasn’t fucking her, she would’ve had no ammo to threaten him with.

    The OW in my case was a co-worker (though not a subordinate) and by all accounts, was not nearly as accomplished or attractive as me… and upon dumping the motherfucker, it occurred to me that was the whole point. My ex was deeply insecure and often said he never felt good enough for me, but instead of bettering himself, he latched on to another loser who made him feel superior and didn’t challenge him in anyway.

    You’re driving yourself crazy and becoming obsessed with the OW, because you’re trying to– and failing miserably– resolve the cognitive dissonance in your head. You know he’s lying. You know you’re too good for him. You know he’s continuing to betray you. But your trying to jump through mental hoops to convince yourself otherwise.

    Instead of wishing that OW was dead, maybe you should pretend that she is and rightfully direct all the rage you’re feeling where it belongs: Your cheating husband.

    • “The OW in my case… by all accounts, was not nearly as accomplished or attractive as me… and upon dumping the motherfucker, it occurred to me that was the whole point. My ex was deeply insecure and often said he never felt good enough for me, but instead of bettering himself, he latched on to another loser who made him feel superior and didn’t challenge him in anyway.”

      This is exactly what the OW was like in my case (though not a co-worker… she didn’t even have a job). Water seeks its own level. As far as I’m concerned, WE’RE the prizes, not our cheater exes, and certainly not the OW/OM. I am accomplished and attractive, and the OW is neither of those things. Still, she probably made him feel like a big stud, which I guess I wasn’t doing (boo hoo… his poor widdle sad sausage self-esteem). Sorry, but grow up. Be an adult. We had busy lives and three children, and I was a decent wife. I didn’t have the time to kiss his ass every five seconds, and I’m relieved to be away from a man who is so incredibly needy. I can’t believe that, at our age (40s), he’s still that much of a manchild. We met in our late teens, and what was cute back then is pathetic now. He never matured, hence the cheating.

      I think this column is a good reminder of how awesome chumps are– Nic is definitely the prize in this scenario, and her ex sounds like a complete ingrate and all-around asshole. For those of you who are on the fence about leaving your cheater for whatever reason– try to take a step back and look as objectively as possible at the person you’re with and what that person brings to your life to make it better. Then, look at what you bring to the table in the relationship (don’t even consider the OW/OM– this person is only the embodiment of everything that is wrong with your cheater). I bet you a dozen Krispy Kremes that you’re the one doing everything in the relationship (whether it’s chores or emotional heavy lifting), and your cheater is nothing more than an albatross weighing you down. Let your cheater go so that YOU can gain a life.

      • ” an albatross weighing you down” So true. I remember after mediation feeling a lightness like I had lost a 200 lb. ass! (And 30 lbs!)

    • Lulu,

      Thank you for your insightful comment. Your words gave me a true “A-ha” moment. I could never understand why my 57 year old XH would be with such a ridiculous, stupid, self-centered, unfortunate-looking, immature 23 year-old child (subordinate ho-worker). What kind of relationship could they possibly have? My X was always incredibly insecure (though only I ever knew that). He was terribly afraid of getting old. He always said that I was too good for him. He always told everyone how proud of me he was, and how much everyone always loved me. Now I see why he traded down… he “latched onto another loser who made him feel superior and didn’t challenge him”. A-ha!! It makes perfect sense. I hope that works out for him. Thankfully, I have very recently finally reached Meh (on a Tuesday, no less!), and I just don’t care anymore at all. It is such a great feeling! If he stays with her, I am 100% sure he will cheat on her within a very short time, and then she will get the karma she so richly deserves. I’m gonna grab my popcorn and watch the amusing show! And, he was right- I was too good for him :o)

      Thanks for the insight, Lulu!

      • Over it! Same thing here, except him never telling me I was too good for him. While he was fucking the OW he was telling his family how proud he was of me for having weight loss surgery and getting healthier! Yeah what does a 56 year old have in common with a 35 year old? Same thing, she doesn’t challenge him intellectually and put him on a pedestal. Prince Charming has Peter Pan Syndrome and he found Cinderella attractive because her idea of intellectual movie is Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakquel.

        • Same. Same. Same. He needs his ego constantly stroked and traded down big time. She is 35 years younger so they have nothing in common. She just worships him and he loves it.

          She’s unattractive, pudgy, and dim. I’m 12 years younger than he is which is plenty, plus prettier and thinner than she is, and smarter than either one of them really. And I was really shocked, too. I couldn’t believe he threw away his family for THAT. We are awesome. She is gross.

          Know that she is not your problem. She could be anyone. He is your problem. He sought her because she is at his level, and you are not. You are not even within his reach because he has sunk so low.

          He told me it was just “easy” with her. Yes, because she has no standards or morals. You can’t fall short of someone’s expectations if you sink low enough.

  • Agree with CL. The OW is a problem, but don’t let your rage toward her distract you from the core problem. She didn’t make you any promises, he did.

    Yes, lawyer up, and get advice about how to proceed, but maybe don’t confront until you have copies of all this crap and anything else you’ve found, even things that seem potentially unimportant, saved somewhere safe off site. He’s deceptive. Don’t underestimate the lengths he might reach to deceive you.

    I am sorry this happened to you.

  • Nic,

    Though I realize that this article ran previously and you might not even check this site anymore, I hope you do. It sounds like you stayed with your husband. If you did, you probably still check in here because when you read the chump lady for the first time, you realize that someone finally gets it. All the little things that have been bothering you, that you can’t quite place, come right to surface and smack you upside the head. You know what she’s saying is true but maybe you can’t quite embrace it yet.

    Keep coming here. Eventually you’ll see the light. That light will bring the realization to you that the OW is not the problem here. To be sure she has no morals and is a despicable human being that you don’t want to befriend but she isn’t special. She was just there. She realized that your husband would give her some attention if she would give him adoration and praise. (kibbles and cake) When you work together long enough you learn where the cracks in the armor exist. Opportunists go after the cracks but your husband showed her where they were.

    There will always be opportunity for an entitled cheater. And it doesn’t matter what the OP looks like or what morals they are lacking. Water rises to it’s own level. There is no sense obsessing about her, although I did the same thing so I understand your angst. Point is she could be anybody.

    Take it from someone who has been in your shoes. I learned about the ex’s affair and I stayed. I obsessed and joined the marriage police force immediately. It did nothing but prolong my agony. The only thing we are guaranteed when staying with a cheater is another dday. They don’t deserve a second chance if there is no remorse. Lawyer up my friend because trust me when I tell you that the only way you can begin to gain a life is by leaving a cheater!

    • “She realized that your husband would give her some attention if she would give him adoration and praise. (kibbles and cake) When you work together long enough you learn where the cracks in the armor exist. Opportunists go after the cracks but your husband showed her where they were.”

      A millions time this!!

      I told my STBX that he was like an open wound. Open wounds attract flies. Once in awhile he would allow one of those flies to land on him. Those flies each had one thing in common. They found a chink in his armor and used that opportunity to try to make their own sorry lives seem more special. Those kind of women aren’t the problem. He is and always will be.

  • Since this post ran previously, I would love it if Nic checked back in and told us what happened. I see lots of speculation and advice, but the outcome would be very interesting to hear.

  • “If it weren’t her, it would be another set of trailer park tits.”

    This is so true. -zero chose a crazy disturbed ugly whore and I stopped the pick me dance and filed. The best consequences are served when we pull out of a poor investment and move forward with our lives.

    I too have heard over the years he acts like a teenager. I’ve raised three teenager into adulthood and now provide guidance and support for my teenaged granddaughter living with me for the summer. It’s hard work but they grow up and have appreciation.

    Adults who are stuck developmentally at 16 are another story. I recall -zero telling me he wished he could do all the things he did with her with me. Um, no I don’t want to get drunk, high, and have sex after going to see tribute bands at a casino nightly. Wayne’s World does not appeal to me.

    His actions told me he preferred to fuck a dumb classless whore who works part time, lives in a dump and has mental illness. How’s that working for him?

    I no longer care. What I know is a whole new life opened up for me and looking forward with hope was never possible until I divorced him.

  • Chump Lady recently wrote a post about No Contact and she pointed out that the hardest part of NC is kicking your Cheater and OW OUT OF YOUR MIND. This is incredibly challenging but it’s the *only* way to stop obsessing over either of them. I basically repeat a mantra again and again in my head: She “won” him, and I am thankful. They deserve each other. They will eventually implode. Cheaters always trade down. I am better off. etc. It does get easier with time, but there are still days when I am blindsided by rage, jealousy, confusion, etc. Hang in there, Chumps! <3

    • This!! -> “Nic – you want to destroy her? Let her have your husband. He’ll take care of the rest.” Absolutely correct.

    • So true, I used to fantasize about the X moving all of his hoarded up junk to her place and destroying her home with 6 broken down cars and unfinished projects just like he did mine. Unfortunately she dumped him first.

        • After she destroyed her marriage and help destroy his, just not as much fun after the fantasy comes crumbling down. Sneaking and lying is sooooo sexy! (NOT) I did look at her facebook for awhile, she was caught up in some princess fantasy and kept burning through relationships looking for her next high. Guess true love only exists to some in their heads.

          • “Caught up in some princess fantasy, looking for the next high.” That was nowdeadserialcheaterwife, to a tee. Eventually the internet princes dried up, and the next high became opioid painkillers…

  • It took a long time for me (and being cheated on by a Jackass) for me to understand that no one should ever tolerate abuse–not physical abuse, not emotional abuse, not verbal abuse. Abuse should be a deal-breaker, and we need to learn how to recognize it. We teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate.

  • Hi Nic, I know this story ran previously, but I understand you want to destroy the OW. But please know that the OW is not the problem, it’s your husband. Let’s say you do get rid of the OW, he’ll just find another one. You’re not focusing on the cause, which is your husband who no longer wants to be with you. I hope you do check in to let us know what happened with your situation since this column aired. It would be good to get an update.

    • Oh but he DOES want to be with Nic! She is a great wife-appliance, and makes him look good! What he wants is Cake; having wifey and OW too. Or if that falls apart, a wife who is pick-me dancing is a great option! At least until things ‘get boring’ again and he can find another OW and go deeper underground…

      So much cake, so many kibbles, yum yum!

  • I blame asswipe the most but when whore juice sent him home in the beginning of their affair with marks on him in prominent places clearly for me to see as in marking her territory like a childish teenybopper just to hurt me when she already got what she wanted and on the eve of a beloved relatives three day stay with us visit that was more than i could bear. She expected me to cause a scene, through him out and scream ta da! Didnt happen. The visit was wonderful and i got to watch asswipe squirm and twist in the wind. He was the one who insisted i take three days off work so we could all be together image control again! He beat the shit out of whore juice and chocked her unconsious because of what she did to hurt me. If my only crime was meeting him and loving him for 27 years fuck her too. And she apologized to him after the beating for making him hit her cause shes so in love! Oh brother. Personally i hope they each take the other one out. Ive never hurt anyone in my life why should i not be pissed at both when they both intentionally decided to hurt me. Both of very low moral character. I expected more from him i mean shit at least tell me the truth it would have ended either way but no low moral character both of them and fuck them.

  • If you are interested in how Nic responded to this blog post when it first ran do a search on the headline, within the post search “nic says”. I don’t know if we heard back from her in further blogs or the forums but she was on her way to kicking some ass according to her posts in the original!

  • ahahaha! “If it’s not her, it would be another set of trailer park tits.” This is so true! Thanks for the laugh CL.

    I never once contacted the OW and I really don’t give her a second thought. She was duped like me. He’s moved on and even from there and back again to other unfortunate women. It’s his thing. He’s a loser, she’s a loser and they are all losers. Don’t engage with them. Realize you have a crappy husband and lawyer up. The OW is not your problem, they are a dime a dozen. Get rid of your remorseless cheater and start building a life free of these people.

    • I also had to laugh real hard at the Set of Trailer Park Tits.
      That’s where he met his soulmate!
      Her and her husband, and me and mine travelled all over the country together in our TRAILERS.
      Our trailer was a leetle nicer than their trailer, and I think she actually wanted MY trailer instead of her own. (along with my entire life)
      But, she did travel all over with him in my trailer, so I guess she actually got what she wanted.

      Well, I dunno if she’s still with him because he now lives in that trailer in a trailer park (last 2-1/2 yrs) and I imagine he’s met a few trailer tits in his new digs.

      It just makes me laugh.

      The ridiculousness of what they trade down for.

      I never once gave that POS Whore a piece of my mind, other than four letters on an email. C * * T.

  • I never notice that “this column ran previously” line — poor attention to detail on my part. 🙂

  • If it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. The fact that they are able to come up with replacements to the previous ow and you says it isn’t you or the ow/om. It is just how they operate.

  • Actually I guess we should be appreciative of these Other Women for exposing these losers for what they are, and if not taking them off our hands, at least launching them off into Cheaterville.

    I mean, seriously, who in their right mind wants a frigging cheater ? I didn’t, he knew it, that is why he hid it. I would have dumped his ass immediately. Who on earth is flattered by attention from a married man? Desperate whores, that’s who.

    That is the difference between chumps and ow, the ow accepts what society rejects (cheaters) and vice versa.

  • Nic,

    Your self sum-up is true, “I’m a smoking hot …” etc. and I suggest you read this to yourself every waking hour. I will add to that “I am a faithful and decent person”. This makes your husband AND this other woman so drastically below contempt it is darkly comic. As a fellow chump, let me officially tell your husband and his cat fish to go piss up a rope.

    Your obsession with catfish is natural and will pass eventually. You are awesome.

  • Nic,
    I too was obsessed with the ugliness of the OW. Just flabbergasted that THAT would be preferred over my gorgeous self! I have hated her ever since, for sure, but it takes longer to “get” the fact that it is your beloved who is the real snake. They need tobe dumped. You will never trust or even like him again.

    I too was with fuckwit from the age of 17, never knew any other adult life. But, at 52, I mustered the courage to dump him. I think my sense of mortality kicked in, and I had a eureka moment where I saw that being single, free and liberated from the gaslighting was what I needed.

    I would say get your divorce and settlement BEFORE you indulge in ratting on her to her spouse. The secrecy of it is the leverage that will enable a better settlement. Once ypu spill those beans, the happy couple have nothing left to lose. Get your kicks by planning your exit quietly, leaving silently, and TAKING CARE of the most important thing: your own financial future.

    Resist the urge to tell him he’s a horse’s ass right away. Leave that pleasure until he’s over a barrel, stuck with a settlement paid out already to you. Sell the hous, get your share. Take cash over alimony so you can pop their balloon later with no financial consequences to you.

    Then go No Contact. Enjoy the rest of your life in peace. Put up a picture of them and throw darts at it.

    • I made target out of asswipes smug face and target shoot with them. Very calming. Im going to take up crossbow and use his face for targets too could sure use daryl dixon to teach me!

  • Dear Nic, wherever you are now (since this column ran previously), please wow us with tales of your fabulous post-narc life.

    Oh, and consider starting a blog so the rest of us can rock a few pointers on how to be as fabulous as you were even in the pre-post-narc years. Being a chump can leave most of us needing a makeover inside and out. Chump Lady has the inside covered. Maybe you can help with the rest?

    Cheers!

  • Hey, I reached out to Nic and heard back.

    Her marriage problems were overcome by events — her youngest son (at age 9) suddenly became seriously sick and has a condition now that has to be monitored for life.

    She wrote: “It’s changed everything. I sat in that hospital wishing the affair was my biggest problem again. Begging God. So I was traumatized by the cheater and dealt another huge trauma. Huge. I felt so broken. Our whole family focus is him. Keeping him well is what we both agree on. It’s been about a year since diagnosis and my therapy is now divided between dealing with both traumas.”

    Her husband she says is stepping up on the reconciliation and letting Nic be their for their child.

    (The EA was really a 6-month PA. The OW moved on. They moved away too.)

    She could sure use our support and good thoughts.

    • Wow! Thanks for the update Chump Lady. I formally retract any request for fashion tips. Nic has her hands full. My prayers are with her and her son. May they both achieve happy, long lives.

    • Oh that’s terrible! I’m so sorry Nic is going through that but happy that at least her husband has stepped up and is there for their son – and she’s getting help from a therapist, that’s good too. Lots of positive thoughts going her way!

    • Wow! So much at one time. My thoughts and prayers are with Nic. It is very heartening that her husband stepped up and leaned in – a small, significant light during a difficult time. A small blessing is still blessing and will hopefully lead to many more – the improved health of her son and her healing from the devastation from his illness and her husband’s infidelity. Please send hugs and healing thoughts her way.

    • As someone who identifies with healing from two consecutive traumas, please know that the pain will end life will get better for you, I promise. As CL says, the pain is finite. If you can get through this, you can get through anything.

  • Praise the Lord the community dumb drunk cock slobbering bitch took the cunt off my hands. It was painful but I knew it was the best thing for me. One year out now and I look and feel 100% better. His plan for vengeance against me didn’t work quite the way he had in mind. I’ve said it before and I will repeat it again: he is the the spawn of satan in the flesh. She is the ordinary slutty type. When she set her sights on him, she only saw his wonderful charming self. Yeah….how’s that working out for you now cock slobber? Isn’t he precious with his negativity, holier than thou attitude? pathological lying? his demanding, his so important high dollar facade of success that you can’t possibly afford on minimum wage??? How about when you’re out trying to have a few drinks and he’s all sparkly one minute and then the curtain falls over his face and you just know your gonna get abused for something?? Physical as well as mental?? Oh-did you mention to a third party that “he has a bad temper and your afraid of him, and that he hit you?”
    Of course he hit the roof when he found out you told somebody that. You’re not allowed to speak negatively about his royal asswipe highness dontcha know??
    Ahhh. I was trained so well. He must hate having to re-train a new dumb fuck.
    The worst possible punishment I could ever wish upon her she brought on herself. They are stuck with each other at the moment. I kinda maneuvered that arrangement. I want to make sure they get a good dose of each other. He is such a sociopath. I’m so happy he is someone else’s problem now.
    Oh and by the way-her cock slobbering prowess won’t soothe the beast of satan. Hope she has another trick up her sleeve. ???????

  • That’s right. Whenever your mind drifts to the OW, remind yourself to set your scope and be locked and loaded on WS.
    He’s the reason you are here – the OW didn’t force him to anything…

    Funny about stress. When I sold the house, myself, at closing I identified as “the seller” to the title company – asked for a private room. The secretary stammered… once I got into a private room – I made her immediately put me in – she clarified; “I’m sorry, but the, er… elderly gentleman sitting out there said he was the seller too!” I’m older than my xh…

    I looked good.

  • At least the husband and the OW did the decent thing. I don’t pray but wish Nic and her son all the best. How sad that while she has to deal with her son’s illness, she still has the trauma of the affair. I hope that these hardships have made her idiot husband grow up at last. I suppose in the circumstances it is better if Nic doesn’t visit this blog. It would be more trauma and reminders of the affair pain, when she has all the sorrow and worry of their son’s health. Big hugs to her in any case, if you can pass that on, CL.

  • I can’t wait for the divorce to be final. I’m going to send her lavender roses (her favorite!) and let her know that she can now marry a lying, cheating bastard and good luck to them both! Lol!!!!

    • Don’t you DARE! Lavender Roses are rare.
      And, I happen to love lavender smell.

      Send them to Nic instead!! Otherwise, total waste of good money, Snowflake!!!!!!

      • Just wanted to let her get a whittle bit excited…. Since he was always sending her those damned roses, then drop the bomb, in front of her coworkers, that SHE WON THE PRIZE….a lying, cheating bastard. But maybe you are right, she already knows what she’s got. And so does he.

  • Personally, I wasn’t satisfied until I shared the ugly truth with his other women’s families and employers which I eventually did. One actually tried to challenge me because she thought I was bluffing and had no proof until I replied back with one her nude photos. Guess how many damns I gave then or give now about how that makes me look…

    No regrets there!

  • For anyone reading who is obsessed with the OW, learn from my pain. When she first posted a photo them in bed together on FB, and I had no idea this was going on, my initial, primitive, screaming instinct was to find out everything I could about her. I wanted to literally destroy her. I was ready to dedicate my life to ruining hers. I am clever, I had some cash and I was on fire with rage.

    I had to borrow my sister’s sign to get in FB. My mouth was dry, my heart was pounding and I was frantically searching for clues about her life. I stayed up all night long, researching this person. I felt drained, dehydrated, disordered and distraught.

    But, some ancient survival skill kicked in the next day, and I said to myself, out loud, “Don’t borrow crazy.”

    Truly, she is not the problem. She is fungible. Cheating is not about comparing her to you. She was just there and game and willing to screw a married man. These women are common, and I PROMISE YOU….they are deeply unhappy and have no dignity. They are nothing to envy.

    You already have enough crazy on your plate: your pathologically lying, cheating dirtbag husband. Some people can disagree, but this is what I know (I KNOW):

    99% of most men DO NOT seek women out for friendship unless 1) they want to have sex with her 2) they want to preserve the option to have sex with her 3) are engaging in a titillation and flirting that might as well be sex.

    Men do not want to discuss Carrie from reruns of SATC and braid women’s hair or talk about feelings. I have ran this by more than 10 men, and most of them sheepishly grin and say…that is about right. They don’t run to other women for bonding. They run to them for ego stroking and fucking and making them feel like a big bad cock of the walk (cake, kibbles)

    So, as to the emotional affair crap: I have an ocean front property in Iowa for sale, too.

    Your husband shared energy: sexual, emotional, intimate energy with another woman. Energy he owed his family and you. He shit the marital bed and is asking you to sleep in it.

    The absolute most bad ass thing any woman can do, in this situation, is STOP researching her. She is insignificant. She would love it for you to be obsessed with her. There is a saying inmates use in prison to show someone is beneath contempt, which is:

    I don’t even see you.

    You don’t even see her.

    Don’t go borrow more craziness. Let her be her whore bag self and focus on getting out of relationship with a lying dirtbag.
    Catfish, super model, Wal Mart greeter, Peruvian basket maker, 18 or 80….not relevant.

    You will deeply regret time spent researching this clown. And you will hold on to your sanity more easily if you do not start learning about her life. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN FIND THAT WILL MAKE YUO FEEL BETTER.

    We can only process so much crazy. Let the obsession go. She is just a receptacle for his ego.

    It helped me, along with Hardcore No Contact, to hang on and not completely go into the ditch of insanity, and I was very close. Craziness has a way of taking over. You could truly become obsessed and lose years of your life obsessing over a human fuck stain.

    Not worth it.

    • Honest to God – this is one of the finest posts I’ve ever read. I’ve been on this site since Tracy’s very first blog and always marvel at the wisdom and wordsmither-y of Chump Nation but wowza, I love this!

      My Tuesday was many, many months ago but I will always come here to bathe in the fearless exploration of feelings and the extraordinary writing.

      • Dear Paula, You have no idea what that means to me. Thank you so much. Today, I did not cry when I did errands by myself. Today, I did not tele spoof his number. Today, I ate lunch alone, in a restaurant, read a book and thought: I am okay.

        I am crawling up out of that ditch of insanity. If I can help one person….it makes me feel better.
        I wanted to die. I could not believe someone would do this to me. But he did.

        I am not sure why the universe put us through this meat grinder. But if I can reach out my hand and pull someone out of that ditch, I am holding out my hand.

        Paula, I am so glad your Tuesday was many many months ago. I hope you are surrounded by love.

        • These powerfully written and meaning heavy posts are indeed a sturdy hand and strong arm to pull others out of the hellish abyss. So keep writing and posting Sweet Sylvia because your sturdy hands and strong arms will pull your healed self into the light of joy and happiness as well. Your Tuesday will come and it will be glorious – of this I am certain.

    • THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN FIND THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
      Sylvia is Sad, on principle I agree with you.
      However discovering my traitor’s stash of twodicksinoneass.com porn downloaded one afternoon while I was driving 100 miles to pick up his son from school for the weekend, while he was also phoning the homewrecking whore, was worth the effort. And it makes me feel much better now. Whenever I am tempted to wonder “What has she got that I don’t have?”… Well, for a start, she’s got two….:-))

    • Sylvia is Sad, This! is brilliant. {clapping} “I don’t even see you.” Cause that is what we must do. Then we get a life. We move on. And yes, this shit is hard. Grieve. Practice extreme self care. Surround yourself with kind people. To those who are “lining up ducks” (and especially those with children), be sure to address finances in a way that makes sense for you and your family. Consult a divorce financial analyst. Narc ex dissipated assets, was intimidating, made a lot of money, and had no intention of leaving me with “half.” My lawyer was clueless, so ex walked out on me and our adolescents and made sure to leave us all homeless. Get a financial agreement addressed in court and in writing and make sure all bills are paid during separation. Any agreement should spell out who should pay what and for how long as many courts do a poor job of protecting assets. Also the QDRO should be done before the dissolution is final or you can be stuck dealing with a Fucktard
      for a great many years.

  • As a study in repulsiveness, I thought any fellow chumps or Meh Mighty Warriors might like a view inside the mind of another OW (or odious whore).

    This is a “friend” I stone cold dropped, and she started emailing me again. I dropped her for her bad character. I was right to do so.

    The title of this email was Boss’s Wife. Do not worry- I blasted her out of the water. I removed any details so CL’s brilliant writing can continue! No worries about ID, litigation, etc.

    Here is her email to me:

    _________________________
    Subject: Boss’s Wife

    The boss’s wife came by the office today. I think she thought she was “fixed” up. Her husband is safe so long as we don’t have to go **** together. It’s sad to say, but all bets are off if that happens. I’m being honest. I just don’t know if I’d be able to control myself. Remember, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. ***** will be here August 2nd.

    ________________________

    A window in the mind of these bitches. Scary, isn’t it. But also so pathetic.

    I also vehemently defended the boss’s wife (I do not know these people) but see the disdain? The complete lack of respect? The determination to fuck whomever they want? No concern about family. This man had two small children. It is predatory.

      • As I said, I do not know these people- I do not know their names. She is stationed in Europe in a civilian job that supports the military ( very well paying, I might add, how unjust). I just know the base she is on. She started emailing me out of the blue, after I distanced myself from her for two years.

        I told her she was behaving like a monster, to stop, think of the wife, the tots, and you can see her “I’m being honest” retort. This was in response to her telling me how “hot” her boss was. I said, is he married and this email is basically saying to me: I will do what I want, after I blasted her the first time.

        But, I agree, the wife needs to know a predator is scoping out her husband. I hope he is an honorable man and ignores her or even writes her up.

  • I have also been attempting to hang onto my own sanity and not murder my X. I did not (do not) have the strength to conduct an international identity search for this woman. I am doing good to get my teeth brushed.

  • fighting with another woman for a man who has proven himself to be a complete douchebag is wasting time. he secretly loves the competition.

  • I am new here. CL and CN have been a LIFESAVER because you all have given me a reality based counter balance to the IRC activities my H and I are currently in. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

    I can relate to feeling some STRONG feelings toward the OW. Out of the blue, his AP sent me a vile message on FB messenger a few weeks ago, insulting the physical appearance of my children (WTF – self-loathing much? Who does that?). Apparently angry that he had broken it off with her and this was her way to “alert” me to his cheating. Am I supposed to say “thank you?”. (This is not how I found out btw – who knows what the fuck he told her…I am sure it was not “I’ve been caught!” I’m sure it was some BS about how he had come to his senses and realized he has to work through our problems the right way…blah blah blah….HE GOT CAUGHT. THAT IS WHY HE STOPPED.

    I have written out my response to her multiple times and then erased it, because, like everyone says here, she should not be the focus of my anger. I actually feel bad for her. She is all kinds of f*cked up (based on her message). I will admit I have written out some pretty good ones though – WAY more vile than hers 🙂 But I know it is pointless to send and would likely give my H kibble…I try not to spend too much time in that mode. I am actually pissed I even showed it to him. I am sure he got off on it.

    H acts remorseful and taking actions (scheduled all the IC for himself, and MC for us, shown me “proof” – whatever – that he has cut off the relationship, etc.). I am pretty much numb and don’t really believe we will recover. I am avidly reading this site and “lining up my ducks” and ensuring I get at least one 2 x 4 per day, since I suffer horribly from optimism. We have 4 children – 2 in college, so my main focus for the next few months is to stabilize our finances, increase my salary (I have a plan for that), pay off debt etc so I can better manage their tuition on my own if needed. They may have to chip in more than originally planned, but it’s not the end of the world.

    You guys rock!

    • readyforrenee – Welcome to the site and thanks for sharing. That’s what it’s all about and it sounds like you were far more button-sending controlled than I was. I never sent any nasties to her (she wasn’t worth my time) but I sent a shitload to him. I don’t regret any of them, except one when I was on pain meds and got loopy and told him…waaa…Nobody will ever love you like I did….And, I immediately took that back after the pain meds wore off.

      Sounds like you’re taking action. This is where *I* learned how to take action, early on in the game. Chump Lady and the Nation.
      I took control immediately, and for the first time in his rigidly, controlling life we led…..I finally had the reins and he lost all power.
      I enjoyed every moment of that. Right down to how he absolutely didn’t get any of MY dogs.

      He shrunk from the brutality of the court case.

      harumph – so much for the stud.

    • Welcome, Renee! You got this! His timing is about right. Something about the kids going off to college sends a lot of cheaters into a tizzy. “What about Mmmmeeeeeeee??” They feel entitled to live a fantasy while you take care of the family business.

      Fuck him. Good job getting your ducks lined up. Having my own salary was essential to my recovery–I didn’t need him for anything, the coward. I’m lucky that way–I certainly wasn’t thinking he would ever cheat when I was working on my career (and the family, the home, raising kids, etc.) But it sure was a life-saver.

      Cheaters suck. They are entitled, soulless jerks who need smoke blown up their asses constantly. You have better things to do.

    • I have three kids with cheating ex and all made it through college without their father’s financial help. Ex used to joke that it would be better if he divorced me-red flag#713-because “our kids could afford tuition for college.” Be careful though that your husband isn’t dissipating all community assets. Mine did this to his benefit, long before I ever discovered his infidelity. He was creative. Got a second job at the family court, hid money, travelled to compete in more tournaments, gave out scholarships, took us on expensive family vacations-one to scout colleges for our son (his entire contribution to son’s first semester at a four year college was $350 dollars, that same year he also walked out on our daughter in her junior year at an out of state university) in which he changed hotels so he could “communicate” with OW, refinanced our dream home so that he could pull equity out (he did this often over the years, another red flag), purchased new vehicles (three in the last two years of our marriage, and one during separation), purchased expensive “toys” then sold them to people we knew (padding that narrative), dumped the kids’ college savings, dumped ours, took money out of our 401k to place into “his” retirement fund, and walked out on our mortgage. He left me to pack up 20+ years of our belongings and the kids and I scrambled to downsize and pack everything into storage. We donated boxes and boxes of stuff to goodwill, gave away belongings to the neighbors and strangers who showed up at our garage sale, took big items to the dump, and stored the rest. Thousands of miles away from family. Two years after he moved out he vandalized the (foreclosed) house I still lived in, angry I was receiving money to move out. WTF!?!? Cheaters are crazy addicts when it comes to new pussy. Just be sure you protect your finances.

    • Renee,

      I’m sorry that you have to be here, but welcome. Don’t send a reply. Print her message for your lawyer. Also document what your husband did to defend his kids against her abuse. Save it for your lawyer. Once you kick his cheating ass to the curb, if she contact you again simply reply, “I consider this harassment. I am notifying you to cease contact with me by all means. Future contacts will be reported to the police and I will file a warrant for your arrest.” Consult with your lawyer for the wording but in most states notification to cease activity is sufficient to press charges if it happens again. Continued and persistent contact ups the ante into stalking. Then file for an order of protection. This is a game changer when you have kids and visitation goes before a judge. Any replies you make from your gut to lash out will be used to her benefit.

  • Pat this site is anything but boring. You are boring. We are a family here of sorts and comfort and yes advise each other. We talk about it alot makes us feel better to get it out. There may be a pineapple patch site for you somewhere more geared towards your reading pleasure.

    • lol – Kar Marie – you said it with so much more class than I.

      If this site no longer appeals to you (hopefully it helped you out at one time) then don’t go out kicking people in the shins.

      It makes you look very small anytime you do that to any group.

  • Get over it? Get a life?
    I repeat. Fuck off, Pat.

    You are the Switzerland fiend nobody wants to have.

    Good for you getting over it so quickly. You must be so proud of yourself.

    Just go away now. You are toxic to all of us here that come for help.
    If you can’t contribute properly, just fuck off and contribute to your high and mighty life-style right now. woohoo. So glad YOU are happy and got over it so quickly.

    We all wish you well. But…just Go. GO!

    I’m sure you’ll have no need to visit this site again………

  • I met him a Perkins to tell him what the attorney had said. He never got one….He knew I wouldn’t screw him over, After I gave him the info, what the timeline was and what he should expect, he asked if there was anything else, I unloaded. I told him his first affair was like getting a baseball bat to the knees, but I stood up and forgave him. The second time was a knife in the back, but I once again forgave him. The third was like a shot through the heart, but that still didn’t kill me. I was damaged but still managed to go on. The fourth and final time it was like he loaded a gun pointed the gun directly at my face and pulled the trigger. That coward just stood up, and left. Not a word. That was my goodbye. I said what I needed to say and was able to do it without my voice cracking. After he left I ordered pancakes and enjoyed them. Fuck him

    • That’s mighty, Blindersoff! WTG!
      I found there was nothing better than when I got it off my chest, (in front of 3 lawyers, like a victims’ statement) I went on for 45 mins telling him what a piece of shit he was. He got up, walked out of the room and out the door, down the street and his attorney had to chase him. Guess I got to him! hahaha
      He finally returned and his attorney told him to apologize to me correctly, I guess, because he did and then I was willing to settle.
      Smart attorney on his part.
      Lots of guys can’t handle the truth (no offense guys) but they can have such a weird way of handling it, like walking away.

      I’m so proud of you!!

  • So leave pat ive been here three years i will stay here to help and comfort others as i have been comforted. I want to be here. This shit hurts a long time if you are over yours good for you. Leave and dont come back not everyone is the same as you.

    • Hear Hear, Kar marie!

      The ones that have been here the longest have probably been burned pretty bad.
      And that I am sadly one of them, and probably 90% of the rest on here that don’t even post.

      • In fact, I’ve been here so long I don’t recall a ‘Pat’ ever contributing constructively to a discussion.
        hmmm

  • My first indication of there being another woman in “our” marriage was the day my ex told me he wanted a divorce. After twenty eight years together I was blindsided. The two years preceding Dday were crazy, ex was gaslighting, disengaged, absent, and dissipating assets as quickly as he could. This on top of our four family traumas. (So “losing” ex was never a thing, “losing the dream” was). I did not know then what was going on and assumed he was just struggling with, who knows, fillintheblank. I was focused on getting my family healthy. So when I realized he had been fucking around (and that OW had given him an ultimatum), I gladly let him go. Cheating is a dealbreaker. Looking back I recognized there were many red flags. It’s one thing to be young and stupid and free but when you have made a vow to forsake all others…cheating is not something that can be overcome, IMHO. Cheaters suck. Who the fuck wants someone who makes life choices like that!?
    I do believe water seeks its own level. Ex had failed major character tests in our many years together. He didn’t support me or my dreams. I spackled. He was the definition of disengaged, absent, and entitled when it came to handling life. He belittled me and my work. There was little reciprocity and I did a lot of things (very well!) by myself. His greatest skill in the wake of any of life’s challenges (both good and bad) was to run away. No wonder he abandoned us. He spent hours “working out” and talking to all his separate “friends” at the racquetball club while I, the clueless, supportive spouse was at home. So by the time I recognized he’d been fucking his racquetball partner I was ready for a better life. It hurt but I didn’t obsess over the OW, or their crappy life together. I focused instead on what he had been doing all along. Elizabeth Edwards said it best. “He started out a good man….” One of these days, when I can drag myself away from my new life, I will be sending that skank a Thank You note. Or not. Lol.

  • It sounds like Nic herself has been dealt another serious Life challenge — best wishes and best of luck to your son, Nic — but for any other chumps looking for advice, here’s my two cents’ worth:

    I was also obsessed with OW. What did she have that I didn’t have? Pictures of them together, did he look happy? What was she wearing?

    Here’s the sad truth: Each and every one of those photos and FB posts are seared on my brain. And they don’t mean ANYTHING.

    “The Stories We Tell Ourselves.” There’s no way we will ever know the truth about whether they’re happy or sad, “soulmates” (whatever that means) or miserable with each other (maybe even continuing to carry on because of the price they paid to get there — what’s that? you dumped your wife of 16 years for this girl and you don’t even stay with her more than a year or so? … No, XH couldn’t hold up under that sort of scrutiny and judgment, for those few still willing to judge him).

    I always knew it was XH’s fault and problem. As I told him, she should have been able to dance naked in front of you, and you should have said, “No, thank you.” Yet I still wanted to see pictures of her. My therapist says it has something to do with control. But the truth is that that life no longer involves me, if it ever did, and no amount of examination will yield any useful data which has predictive value for anything in my future life.

    Here’s what happened: Something terrible happened in my marriage. It’s behind me now (two years and change). And I can only move forward. All that other stuff is just holding me back.

  • There is no way I would give advice. Will tell you of my experience:
    My then husband formed a close relationship with a lady who lived alone, she was separated from her husband. She a highly moral person, church warden, bell ringer etc … him a regular church goer, bell ringer, they walked together and had meals at her house – all very above board and correct and, if I thought anything else, then there was obviously something wrong with me.
    Well, my dears, after an 18 month divorce process, so stressful you would not believe, I am now so happy, I almost want to burst with joy and relief. It’s just a year since the divorce was completed and I still can’t believe it.
    The moral of the story ? Once trust is lost, damaged or stolen, try and pretend as you might, that doubt always smolders on and can be re-ignited at any time.
    Your numbskull seems to have accidentally fallen into a pattern of behaviour that has eaten away at the foundations of your marriage, if he doesn’t get that, then only separation/divorce or a brain transplant (for him that is) are the only way forward.
    On the other hand, if he truly gets it and comprehends the detrimental effects of his accidental behaviour, you will feel it and you will know and he will gently reassure you, so that you can relax and heal.
    My ex did this accident twice, I never recovered from the first time around and his excuse for the second time around was that I had never ‘forgiven’ him for the first time around.
    Like I said, I am not advising. This is just my story, your story may be quite different.
    I adored my ex-husband, our marriage, our family – the whole package, but it was never the same for me again after the first time around (the first time arounded ended because that lady’s husband returned to the marital home. Trust is elusive stuff – slow growing and precious – once lost, damaged or stolen, I couldn’t turn the clock back. Oh, and by the way, because I couldn’t put what had happened behind us and carry on, there was something wrong with me.
    ….. and, my dear, that’s what brought me to the place where I am at right now AND IT’S WONDERFUL !
    Much love and thanks to all who helped me thro’.
    Alongwaytogo …. got there and it’s great.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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