I am 20 years old and never thought I would be in this situation, but hey. I am writing to get some kind of insight or input, because I don’t feel like I’m handling this situation properly.
A year and a half into my first relationship with my 28-year-old boyfriend, he cheated on me by making out with 4 guys at an LGBT party. In the beginning, he was not sorry for his actions as “it was with guys, not with girls, so it’s not cheating.” As I cut contact and went back to my hometown, his tone changed and he was really, really desperately trying to get us back together.
I was (and unfortunately still am) attached to this ex boyfriend, and our relationship felt really natural and comfortable. I was so in love. I would wake up next to him every day and we were extremely affectionate, and communicated well. I really have no fucking clue why he had to do that.
When the LGBT party incident happened, my heart was broken. I swore off him and went back to my hometown, broke up with him via email, fooled around with another guy, and then came back to our city.
Chump Lady, since then, he has been PINING, and I mean pining, for my love and affection. He brings me bouquets of flowers everytime, brings me sushi, (this happens around once every one or two weeks). He caresses my face, tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and how he wants my babies. He cries in front of me. I feel bad because he has been at it for two months since I’ve been back, and nothing dissuades him. (I even told him about the other guy.)
It’s so difficult for me to block him and delete him out of my life because I can really see he is trying his hardest… but I don’t love him like I did before. I’ve told him this countless times. That we can’t get back together. But the thing that keeps me from cutting him off from my life is all the love and affection. Sleeping alone is so difficult. I cry a lot these days even though I’m now making more friends and seeing other guys.
I feel bad for entertaining his gestures, because I really don’t think we should get back together. On the other hand, I’ve tried cutting him out of my life by blocking him on all social media, but it proves to be really traumatic to me.
Chump Lady, please tell me what to do. If he really loved me, why would he do that in the first place? Secondly, how do I differentiate between honest remorse and just a phase where he suddenly realises how fucking awesome I am and how much he’s lost?
So blocking him out of your life is “traumatic”? So what are his cheating and gay hook-ups? Edifying? Improving?
The cure here is No Contact. DO IT. No excuses.
Sure, it’s nice to be brought flowers and sushi and be told you’re the most beautiful woman on earth. But consider the price of admission — being this wackadoodle’s chump. You’re being love bombed. I know you’re only 20, but important life lesson here — love bombed is not the same thing as being loved. Love bombing, this over-the-top, grandiose, passion of the ages shit is what disordered people do when they’re trying to hoover you back into their crazy. That’s not love — it’s bait. If you follow the creepy man into the van, you’re not going to find candy and puppies, okay?
How do I know? Because people who love you don’t cheat on you or gaslight you with lame lies like “it was with guys, not with girls, so it’s not cheating.”
Right…. and I’m Rue Paul.
It’s cheating, Fishbone. He’s a cheater. He’s not sorry or confused. He just wants a chumpy beard. You’ll do nicely.
He cries in front of me. I feel bad because he has been at it for two months since I’ve been back, and nothing dissuades him.
No. YOU don’t dissuade him. You’re still toking on the hopium pipe. PUT IT DOWN.
It’s so difficult for me to block him and delete him out of my life because I can really see he is trying his hardest…
Don’t see him. Problem solved.
P.S. He’s not “trying.” He is who he is. You’re either okay with a boyfriend who cheats and is attracted to men or you’re not. Apparently you’re okay with it, because you’re still accepting those sushi dinners.
but I don’t love him like I did before.
So why are you wasting time on him and wasting other men’s time who might be sincerely interested in you while you moon over this loser?
I’ve told him this countless times.
There’s your problem. Don’t tell him anything. You know what communicates “I don’t love you” and “I don’t want to see you”? NO CONTACT. Silence speaks volumes so you don’t have to.
That we can’t get back together.
But you ARE back together. You allow him in your life. You’re being every bit the mindfuck he is. Your words and actions aren’t in alignment. You’re actually gambling your heart, but to him it’s a game. Stop playing.
But the thing that keeps me from cutting him off from my life is all the love and affection.
There’s no “love and affection” without respect. People who cheat on you and lie to you don’t respect you. What if he slammed your head on to the pavement? And then you said “but I need his love and affection!” You’d see the idiocy, right? He’s RISKING YOUR HEALTH. He is FUCKING AROUND ON YOU. He is DISRESPECTING YOU. Ergo, CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
Sleeping alone is so difficult.
Get a dog. Get a teddy bear. Buy a vibrator. A human-size pillow. Sleep like a starfish. Take Ambien. Drink warm Ovaltine. SLEEP ALONE! It’s not forever. Meanwhile, enjoy total pillow hegemony.
I cry a lot these days even though I’m now making more friends and seeing other guys.
Don’t self-medicate with other people. It’s not nice. Get over this creep, get your head screwed on straight, know your worth and THEN see other guys when you’ve developed some boundaries. You don’t have any with the ex-boyfriend. And no healthy, sane young man is going to put up with a woman who is hung-up on her shitty, gay, on-again-off-again boyfriend.
Fishbone, healthy love is sane love. It’s not full of dramatic break-ups and soppy, romantic win-you-back gestures (despite what an entire RomCom industry says to the contrary). Healthy love is reciprocal. It feels safe and secure. It’s like a long conversation with your best friend. There are no stomach dropping betrayals. There is no pick-me dancing. No mindfuckery, no chaos.
If you’re hooked on the drama, maybe you find healthy boring. Get over that. If you choose guys like your “ex” boyfriend, you’re going to meet with a very bad end. Ask a hundred people at Chump Nation how they know.
how do I differentiate between honest remorse and just a phase where he suddenly realises how fucking awesome I am and how much he’s lost?
The person who needs to recognize how “fucking awesome” they are is YOU. Fucking awesome people don’t tolerate being cheated on. Fucking awesome people surround themselves with other fucking awesome people and leave the losers to the losers.
Dump this guy now. He’s not sorry. You were of use to him and he’s sorry he lost a chump. If he persists in making unwanted contact? File harassment charges and call the cops. I’m not kidding. BOUNDARIES. Get them today.