Anonymous over at XOJane would like the reading public to know that “In all honesty, being a side piece has made me a better woman.” Apparently, it’s the kind of better that dare not speak its name.
You know the Universal Bullshit Translator can’t resist an opportunity to probe the shallow depths of OW self-reflection. So, here we go…
Some women start affairs for the thrill. Some women start affairs for the sex. Some women expect their affair partner to give them the world. If he’s married, she will go to any length to break that union, no matter what the cost. I am not that woman. No matter what your opinion is of me, I am not a homewrecker.
No, I’m a better class of woman. I just fuck other women’s partners for the thrill and the sex. But I’m not a homewrecker. To wreck your home, you’d have to know I fucked your partner. And you’ll never know. So, hey, my hands are clean! Did I break your wittle whelationship? I never demanded a commitment! My wrecking is entirely casual.
Twenty years ago, I met my husband. He is a wonderful man who loves our kids and me.
It’s wonderful the way he loves US. Kibbles!
We’ve been through a lot together. Like most marriages, it hasn’t always been perfect. Two people working though everyday life can have its ups and downs, but we have always dealt with them together. We have raised amazing children together and honestly enjoy each other’s company.
You can tell my profound regard for my marriage by the way I string cliches together to describe it. And our children are AMAZING, of course. Those hours I spend away from them investing in meaningless fuckbuddy relationships? Amazing! It’s just a wonder how my selfishness manifests itself as happiness for the greatest good!
So it may come as a surprise that I am also in a committed relationship with another wonderful man.
It may come as a surprise that I use the word “committed” with my fuckbuddy and not my husband. But HEY, I’m not like those other Other Women who expect things. My commitment to my fuckbuddy could never be construed as homewrecking.
I never expected to meet someone who makes me a better person, but a few years ago, I did. He is also married with children.
By “better” I mean “fucks around on his wife and kids.” By “better” I mean “like me.”
Our lives have changed dramatically since we met, but just as my husband and I have worked through the ups and downs, so have my friend and I. In a way, he has become the outside voice of reason when I need advice or just someone to make me smile and remember life isn’t fair.
Life is so unfair, the way one gets a husband AND a fuck buddy. Just makes me smile.
The biggest misconception about affairs is that both parties come from sexless marriages. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have an amazing sex life with my husband. So does my friend with his wife. Do we have sex? Yes, we do. Our sex life fulfills fantasies we can’t get at home. And it is amazing.
Amazing kids! Amazing sex with my husband! Amazing sex with my friend!
Our sex life fulfills this little fantasy of superiority that we both have, that we deserve more. We can’t get that at home, what with the whole solitary genital assignment most people are born with, so if we want a smorgasbord of pussy or dick, we have to leave home to get it. Amazing!
But the truth is, the sex is only a minor part of our relationship.
Lying and hiding it is the major part. Good times.
If something happened and we could never have sex again, I wouldn’t leave him. I would still enjoy the same wonderful relationship we have now.
Like, if he was paralyzed, I would totally visit him. I wouldn’t leave him. I would sit there and tell him about all the ways life is unfair to me, and he’d make me smile.
I have read all the articles about women who are convinced the woman who slept with their husband was a homewrecker. I am sure some women are. But that is not me. I have never assumed I am anything more than a friend.
And doesn’t that make me a better class of homewrecker? The friendly kind? I’m not the kind of person who deliberately takes a flamethrower to your sofa. I’m more like the friend who was just playing around with flamethrowers, because gosh! they make me smile! and then I incinerated your sofa.
It’s totally different. Don’t judge.
I have never had any intention of wrecking his home, just as he has never intended to wreck mine. The truth is, I love his wife. She has never not been a presence in our relationship.
I love chumping his wife. She’s present in our relationship. What’s not present is the truth that I’m fucking her husband. #lovewins
We openly talk about our spouses and marriages.
But not that whole “I’m fucking your husband” thing. I left that out.
She is a good woman. He knows and loves that my husband is a good man. Our spouses have never been hidden; they have always been there, just as our kids have never been hidden. Our families come first, no questions asked. Many times kids have had issues or spouses have been sick, and our time is put on hold. Never has this been an issue. Being good spouses and parents has always been more important. Being those people is one of the reasons we have been together so long. We love those people too.
By “love” I mean deceiving them.
And hey, sometimes, our time gets put on hold! (Damn child’s appendicitis.) And we have to be good. And wait. And not ask questions. Life is unfair sometimes.
The other benefit to our relationship is that it has made me a better person. His advice helps me to be a better spouse. In the times I am frustrated or irritated with my husband, sometimes it is nice to get a male perspective on the situation.
By “male perspective” I mean I blow him.
As women we obviously don’t know how the male mind works. He has helped me to understand men think differently and how to deal with that difference. When it comes to kids, sharing experiences has made me look at parenting differently and made me more relaxed when it comes to my kids. Our relationship is a stress reliever for me, and that alone has helped me time and again.
Fucking around and investing in my friendship has made me look at parenting differently. What my children really need is for me to relax! And have the stress relief that comes from cheating on their father! Less time with my family and more time cheating has helped me time and again.
I never went into an affair to find a way out or to take over someone’s marriage. Some women in affairs are good women, good wives, and good mothers. Don’t assume we all want to be the bitch who steals your husband.
No, we’re the bitch who writes an XOJane column about how happy you are to fuck my husband without me knowing about it.
Some of us have no intention of wrecking your home. We are perfectly happy with the relationships we have. We suggest you make sure you are too.
The UBT is confused — make sure I have a happy relationship too? Which, as you define it, is screwing around on my partner? Or being the unwitting partner to whom someone else is screwing around?
Just everyone stay in the dark so you can maintain your happiness?
No, Anonymous. The UBT looks forward to the day your husband serves your ass for divorce. Then you can see the depth of your “friendship” as the karma truck tires back over you. Cheers.