Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

You Might Be a Cheater If…

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

cheaterqueenToday’s Fun Friday challenge comes from JenPen. Ala Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…” JenPen suggests “You might be a cheater if…”

For fun and a few much needed laughs…we wondered how many cheater lines we could come up with…well, I just knew the chumps would all have a lot of ideas….and thought it might be a fun post sometime.

“If your Match.com profile shows a headless body…you might be a cheater!”

We’ve done this one for “You might be a chump if…” But now it’s time to give cheaters a turn!

You might be a cheater if:

…You can’t remember how many phone carrier plans you have.

…You do all your texting on the toilet.

…Your Girls Night Outs have no girls.

Your turn to play! TGIF!

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • You might be a cheater if the photo you use for your match.com profile is a selfie of you and your mobile, taken in a toilet.

    • and I’ll add:

      …You pose shirtless and are wearing mirrored sunglasses. [men]
      …You take an angled boob shot to highlight your cleavage. [women]

    • …Have a photo of a woman in a little black dress your shirt pocket on Thanksgiving, but tell your wife you “Have no idea who it is, haven’t worn that shirt in years”
      …Have a picture of you and a pretty woman on your cell phone, and tell your wife “she is a Stripper, and I was counciling her”
      …Your wife remembers you said something like that to her decades ago
      …You come home at 3:00 a.m. from an “Important Business Meeting” (after your wife ironed your shirt, shaved your neck, and styled your hair) You were late because there was “so much traffic!”
      …You immediately erase all phone messages on your brand new iphone, but wife recovers erased message to hear a womans voice cooing “Oh,Gaslighter! I can’t wait to see you!” (Kicks your sorry ass out that very minute)
      …After long separation and Gaslighting your way back into Wreckonciliation, you tell your wife you will be home soon, are at an early breakfast meeting with a big client and VP of a National Bank.
      …but It is Sunday
      …And Monday is Martin Luther King day, a banking holiday

      …your wife of 36 years files for Divorce

    • Ah, yes. The universally applied cheater mantra about love vs. in love. Mine said ‘Wife, you’re my best friend, but I don’t feel about you the way a husband is supposed to feel about a wife.’ So true, just not in the way he meant. Husband’s are SUPPOSED to open their mouth hole and speak words about their supposed unhappiness and ask for counseling or a divorce, not bang a stripper for 5 months while I’m at home with our infant and toddler. A husband is SUPPOSED to protect and keep his wife safe, not intentionally hurt her more than any other human being ever has. And, a husband is SUPPOSED to be a man and take responsibility for his actions, not whine like a 13 year old little bitch and claim none of this was his fault, because his happiness = the only happiness that matters out of the four of us. Gag.

      • Ho.Ly.Sh*t!

        Honey&, I have NEVER heard anyone whose ex used the same line — exactly! — as mine, until now! THANK YOU for sharing your story!

        • Ugggg…what is it with these disordered men? Do they not understand that life is not like a Def Leopard video? No, I am not some half-dressed skank with giant hair on top of a Camaro giving you come-hither eyes. I just had your babies and I’m a sane, funny, intelligent woman who tolerates your laziness and praises you when you do the slightest helpful thing while I bust ass for both of us. It’s never enough somehow. They have to have that fresh, new attention. They want the fantasy of a stripper-turned-housewife praising their manhood and showering them with accolades. Well, mine sure got what he wished for! He’s married to his AP, and a stripper turned housewife is exactly what she is. Teenage boys with arrested development who never grew up. That’s what they are. Sad to hear we relate, but happy to know the cheater playbook can now officially add one more go-to cliche!
          http://www.honeyandthehomewrecker.com is where you can read the rest of my story. Hugs!

      • I feel compelled to point out that this is the exclusive domain of men.

        My STBXW said the exact same thing — she wants to be someone’s decked out blonde on the Camaro with come hither eyes — and get the accolades that go with it — and put me through hellish emotional abuse in order to do it.

        All on the name of (her words) ‘becoming the person I was always meant to be.’

        So your vehemence might want to be altered to “What is it with all of these disordered PEOPLE?” (Or more accurately ASSHOLES)

        • You are right, 100%. I get used to using the cheater vernacular in the masculine, but it is certainly not relegated to men! As Chump Lady points out, it’s not a male/female issue, it’s a LACK OF CHARACTER issue. Best to you in recovering from the bad taste left by your Tawny Kitaen wanna-be!

  • You might be a cheater if you have deleted all the messages from that secret friend you have never mentioned.

  • You might be a cheater if you change screens on your computer every time your family walks into the room.

      • serious porn problem = cheater

        Although it’s taking people a long time to figure out that virtual sex also constitutes infidelity. It took me over ten years to make that realization, after lots of gaslighting “It’s just to relax. Aren’t you glad I’m not doing it with REAL women? It’s not cheating!” But by the time I did make that call, there were multiple physical relationships as well so it didn’t matter much.

        • Your wife is taking “your”coat to take cleaners and finds a receipt for porn movie rentals from the hotel room you were in while you were on a business trip, you deny it, then blame her for snooping. Throw out a few things changing the subject like she’s Bipolar, tell her you’re seriously concerned about her mental health, or I can never make you happy, ask her if she’s ever happy, to divert the attention from you to her.
          If she won’t let it go, hey, sorry, you need porn to relax after that grueling, long hour flight.

  • You might be a cheater if…You can got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food again on the way down.

    (Sorry)

    • Ah, so that’s where his head went. I would pass through the living room on my way to do some household chore and occasionally see him sitting there headless. It looked like he was sitting on a bowling ball, I just never put two and two together before. I was too fixated on why the glow from his cell phone light was reflecting from his rectum like a lighthouse beacon. I’m sure it wasn’t to find his way out, but get further in because he even thought his own shit smelled sweet.

      • You know you’re a cheater (and seriously disordered) when you’re jerking of to porn on the big screen TV while simultaneously reading the latest Clive Cussler on your iPad.

  • You may be a cheater if you have, recently bought new out of character underwear, have taken up shaving your junk and are never home when you are meant to be because you always have a pressing issue to manage.

    • Yours wore Underoos too? Mine would come home with new shirts and come out asking me if they matched his pants. I’d look and say, “You’re wearing blue jeans.” His response, “Yeah, but do they match.”

    • All three! New underwear is how I knew for sure. My STBX is super cheap and his all had holes before he got am AP.

      • Mine too!!!! I wonder if she likes his nasty hole ridden undies now…because we all know a leopard doesn’t change its spots and he’s back to his old ways.

      • Or I bought all his (designer, imported) underwear, and actually every item of clothing he ever wore for over 25 years, just for her to tell him what outstanding taste he has, and how great his body looked in what he wore – especially his underwear. Ah, yeah! I have a pretty good eye! And like she’d know! Bought everything in mum-grey that was ever made…

        Needless to say my habit of regularly surprising him by buying for him stopped. Immediately. Comical to watch him try to dress himself. Ditto the grooming (ear hair!) Just couldn’t be arsed making him look good anymore. Funny that.

          • She didn’t even get the booby prize, Midlifeblast. He had finished the affair before I ever had a clue. “Choosing” me. And I didn’t even have to do a Pick Me Dance! Awesome, right? She told me via text message about six weeks after he ended it with her, while we were at a friend’s birthday party that she was supposed to be at. How lucky was I? The Chosen One. Yup. So damn lucky 😉

        • Me too. He always had compliments on his sartorial splendour. Nothing but the best, you know! Dress shirts, $ 150 but worth every dollar. I dressed him well. Now, he’s on his own and I hear his live in ” doesn’t shop ” so he’s back to buying $ 19.99 shirts like he did when
          he was 16 years old living with his cheap dad. Not my circus, not my monkey anymore.

        • Omg funny…. when we met I said to myself “ok, wearing x and y is not a biggie… easy to change that”
          15years of marriage- I was buying clothes for him, he looked good.
          Last trip we took, I was saying nothing at all, focused on buying/ packing for myself and kids.
          Pics tell all: an attractive, well dressed lady with cute kids and a man with a mismatched outfit.

          Yep, go for it

    • Omgah! Mine did the same exact “new underwear” shopping spree right before I found out. He even took the liberty of modeling them for me (during which I admittedly chuckled through the big “show” with an, “Oooookay…???). Red flags were waving at full mast and here I was thinking he was just in a weird shopping phase. I was somewhat right in my assumption; he was shopping around for dirty whores, after all.

  • You might be a cheater if You accuse your wife of being “jealous and insecure” of a whore you are dating behind her back.

      • You might be a cheater if you go to the hotel near your office to “sleep off a headache” when home is 20 minutes away.

        • Sunrise

          You might be a cheater if you take a whore out to eat, get drinks at the casino, and get a hotel a mile away.

          I called him on it when I saw his bank statement. Quickly, he replied,”what if I was too drunk to drive?”

          My reply, “because you booked the HO Jo the day before.”

          Why not own it? No, lying till the end.

      • Mine did the same thing! When I went on a marriage forum after his affair was discovered, he started to accuse me of cheating on him now w strangers on line !!!

    • Your might be a cheater if: you give your wife the go ahead to have a “friend” after you called him out on his inappropriate “friend”ship! ?

  • You might be a cheater if you can justify kissing another man’s girlfriend by assuming you’re rescuing her from her “evil, evil, boyfriend”.

        • Oh yes, in hindsight it’s a wonderful thing! The best karma is that she has him now…my past is her future, bahahahahahah! Good luck special snowflake.

        • I wish I could “like” comments. I swear I’m going to send her flowers one day! They are looking miserable and I hear they fight a lot….waiting for just the right moment to send her a thank you bouquet.

          • Me, too! Once the divorce is final and they can get engaged. She can’t have him actually living with her until they are engaged or married (her divorce decree, cause she still has little ones….ha,ha,ha)

            • I discovered mine had already been engaged to Toothless the Whitetrash Whore for 6 months before I discovered the affair–his reply “Well her ring isn’t as nice as yours….” Needless to say I cancelled the 25 year anniversary party I was planning….

              • Freddypagaga, What. The. Fuck? He was engaged? Do you think these guys are idiots all along? How do they live?

      • -zero can’t marry her be cause hel will lose his health insurance. Yet he assured me he wouldn’t marry her. He’s looking to hit pay dirt with the other OW. Phone records don’t lie.

    • They think they are really fated for each other and that becomes The Justification for everything they do behind their SOs back.

  • …if your wife just doesn’t understand you and you have sooo much more in common with …pretty much everybody else!

    • Nice one, Carmella. In my case: you may be a cheater if you complain to your girlfriend’s HUSBAND that your wife doesn’t trust your “friendship” with his wife. This OW’s husband emailed the ex saying, “I don’t know how you can live with someone so distrusting.” Talk about ass end of the stick. This was shortly after I discovered the affair and the ex was madly scrambling to make sure I was portrayed as the crazy one. It’s been a year now and so happy I can laugh about everything that happened. Well, most days. 🙂

      • Yeah, OW sometimes would text my H that they couldn’t meet up after work because her husband was driving her and picking her up, and that he didn’t trust her. My husband’s response was “you can’t live like that.”

  • You might be a cheater If you tell your girlfriend that time you spend with your own child is “playing Daddy” and that you are ” bored” by it. And she then tells you what a “good father” you are. And of course, she’s a “wonderful mother”, whoring with a married man in front of her teenage daughter. Wow, it’s amazing when you write it down.

    • The kids are collateral damage and the cheaters are too selfish to realize it. They really do think that they are good fathers and it’s insulting to the actual amazing Dads out there.

  • You might be a cheater if . . .

    . . . You’re in a “committed relationship” with several people who don’t know each other exist.

    . . . Your idea of a “friend” involves swapping bodily fluids.

    . . . You can greet news of horrific emotional trauma suffered by those who have sacrificed the most for you with the dead-eye stare of a week-old grouper in a fish market display cooler.

    • Yep, I was on the receiving end of the dead fish look. That made me want to punch him in the scrotum.

    • Oh, the dead eyed fish look, like a week old groper in a fish market window. love it!

      I found that this was always accompanied with total deniability, as if all questions being asked in reference to any form of infidelity were deliberately being spoken in some distant tribal dialect.

      your not accountable if you don’t understand the question.

      you might be a cheater if you claim to love your wife but are un able to get it up majority of the time.

      if your penis is crusty majority of the time

      or if you have a log on to Ozzie frogs.com and pretend to spend hours looking at and communicating with others on the sight because all your spare time need to be spent communicating with other and sharing you love of broken-down crap box european cars. this was what mine was looking at overtime I entered the room when he was on the computer, yet

      ooooooooh you might be a cheater if you have a need to keep clearing you browser history.

    • I also received (still do sometimes) the kicked puppy dog look. That is, when he can actually look me in eyes which lately, has become less and less.

    • That. So much that! I always loved his dark brown eyes but after discovering his affair and reading up on the commonalities of cheaters (so much the same, so very unoriginal) memories came flooding back of that dead stare and very little blinking. I just recently finished watching “The Fall” and wow, talk about flashback.

    • Yes, I know the dead eyed stare, I called it reptilian, reminded me of the lizards I see in the garden or behind the glass at Petco. I can’t look at a reptile without thinking of him. X eye’s protrude, always reminded me go those big lizards whose eyes move in different directions. I like the dead fish comparison,good description like a dead fish, looking past me. From now on anytime I see a dead fish (Grouper) X will come to mind. Slimy like a dead rotting fish.

      Thankful, I laughed at “any words spoken in reference infidelity deliberately being spoken in some distant tribal act” it’s weird how they’re able to go into a trans like state. X would walk around the house in a trans state months prior to his exit, occasionally he’d throw in a look of disdain.
      When X did announce he was leaving he looked past me with with the grouper look as I was devastated and begging him to stay, or talk about why, he said he didn’t want to hear my drama. Asshole shatters my world and he doesn’t need the drama..

      • +2. You might be a cheater if said formerly non-existent but now over affair still isn’t over. You’re just “trying to ease her down gently” or ” trying to break up with her slowly so she won’t go crazy — because you don’t want her to hurt your wife.”

    • “SHE’S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!” *rolls eyes*

      He got so mad when I called her his girlfriend because in his mind he wasn’t really having an affair. They were just friends that went on dates apparently.

      • Mine went ballistic when I told him, “Tell your piece of shit work whore to stop calling the house.” When he told me I was crazy, I replied, “Oh, that’s right. You are unemployed again. It’s just
        piece of shit whore’ now. My bad.”

        • mine pulled the line before I even knew about chumplady I love you but Im not in love with you. that killed me. Then I said is there someone else and he said no and I said right then I said well whoever she is she must be some piece of work because nice women dont steal other womens husbands and he said she isnt LIKE THAT WTF

      • Same here…he was sure that he and Schmoopie had invented some new category of human interaction and when I referred to her as his “girlfriend”, he looked shocked and said “She is not my girlfriend” whereupon I reviewed the common usage of the word proving him wrong

        • I, too, referred to the OW as his girlfriend. His MARRIED girlfriend. Because she’s the wife of a couple we met while travelling. When I discovered what was going on (emotional affair, emailing, texting, Skyping when her husband wasn’t home, secret cell phone, and then banging each other when we travelled with them to Italy) and asked him to end the affair, his response was, “she lives in another country and is totally devoted to her husband and will never leave him, so what’s your problem?” I mean really, how do you respond to something like that? Other than head in the opposite direction.

      • Yep, I got the “she’s not my gf” bs too, ’cause that would make him a cheater and he doesn’t cheat. Even though he was screwing her and screwed others in my home while we were married and before we married. He denied it to the day he finally took his stuff and his mom out of my house two weeks after the divorce. He slipped up and mentioned the “three of them”. Then denies he is living with the slut puppet, who I know for a fact he has been living with for the past year. The crazy doesn’t stop.
        So, you know your a cheater (and a sociopath) when you believe your own lies in the face of clear and absolute evidence to the contrary (photos of your pp in her mouth, in our home, for one of hundreds of examples).

  • I like a thing I’ve seen on Facebook, can’t remember it exactly. Something like

    “If you wonder if hiding/deleting texts/emails/phone calls, makes you a cheater, you already are one.”

    Sorry for the bad interpretation.

    • Don’t be sorry for that quote speaks the truth.
      You might be a cheater if you hold your phone a little too close to your body all the time.
      You might be a cheater if your phone use is 5 times anyone else on the family plan.
      You might be a cheater if you cheat….lie….steal….and pretend it’s all so innocent.

      • …and hide under the blankets and txt. Or run into the bathrooms w phone attached to the arm. If trying to hold or use their phone, OMG!!!! Yould think you were asking the impossible!

        Having to ask spouse over & over if everything is ok w them. Having children ask the cheater if they are ok too…

        Oh, I never want to go thur ever again living w all the early uncertainties.

  • If your spouse confronts you with incriminating evidence taken from your cell phone or computer, and your only response is “Well, it’s obvious that you can’t be trusted either,” you might be a cheater.

    • Oh yeah, I can’t be trusted now either, because I dared to open a new bank account in my name only…

    • Yeah, when he left his computer unlocked “by accident” and I found emails detailing how long they had been cheating, he accused me of “unlawfully hacking” into his private account. Then he threatened to have me arrested for it.

      No lie.

    • when you accuse your wife of violating YOUR privacy when she catches you at an Asian massage parlor with hookers using find my iPhone app because you are late to your own fathers birthday party & keeping your entire family waiting!!!!

    • I got threatened with prosecution for hacking and invasion of privacy when I discovered his emails. On my own computer. On the Internet account in my name. The one I adminstered to set up his email. Ass.

  • You might be a cheater, if you put your secret Friend’s number in your phone under a man’s name. Oh, these cheaters are oh so clever.

      • Same.
        Preston was really elizabeth. Knew I hit rock bottom when I asked why he was texting Preston at 2am.

            • One of the earlier D-Days for me was finding a list of nicknames Nowdeadserialcheaterwife and her “twu wuv” had for each other (this was before he cheated on her.)

              “Husband” and “Wife” were literally on the list.

              Even she just didn’t even try to gaslight her way out of that one. The cookie jar pieces were there on the floor at her feet. She just plead down to EA, and said she’d never talk to him again.

              Yes, of course I bought it. Sigh.

              This was within a year of marrying me.

            • Asswipe and whore juice called each other master and mistress and always called him sir. Also sickening.

    • Yep. And tag it with your favorite hobby “tennis” just to add a layer of plausibility. Oh that person? Someone I play tennis with now and then.

      • In my case, tagged with “Accountant.” Why do you need to call the company’s accountant on her cell phone at 6:30 in the morning???

    • My ex-husband did that. That’s how I caught him. I asked him why he was texting “Shane,” telling “him” how “he” looked nice and asking about “his” Valentine’s plans. “Shane” was all alone on Valentine’s because “his” kids were with their fathers. (Yup. Plural.) Then, in the same conversation, he invited “Shane” over. “Shane” had plans with “his” girlfriends that night, but would be available much later. My ex invited “Shane” to come over when “he” was done with the Girls Night Out, but warned “him” to call him first. (My ex worked and lived out of town four nights a week.)

      • Yep, Martin was only listed as M in her phone. I had to call in the FBI to decode that one for me. I never would have figured it out for myself 🙂

      • Do cheaters really leave the text evidence on their phones? My cheating husband wiped his texts immediately. Or did you have some other way of finding out…(and please, tell me what it was!)

    • I confess, my cheater was so pathlogically possessive of me, I labeled any friends or family members he did not approve of as “bank” (my mother), [landlord) (my college roommate), etc. I never called them without his express permission, nor did I ever speak to a person of the opposite sex without him in the room and listening to both sides of the conversatio. He had all my passwords. I had… a sham of a marriage.

      I guess I deserved his affairs and abuse. I did lie to to him by secretly keeping the ability to call my parents, even if I never actually did so. Idevote my life to being better than that… and happily single forevermore

      • You deserve to be respected and treated as an adult and not have your life monitored by an overlord. That is abuse. Anyone who tries to manipulate you into isolation is an abuser. You deserve to have friends of your choosing and family. He can go right back to hell. Any time you feel the need to hide things in your relationship, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship. There’s a big difference between hiding your phone because you’re having an affair and hiding your phone because you called your mom. In both cases you were being abused and for that YOU are owed the apology. I am so sorry you had to experience that type of treatment.

          • You have value. Don’t ever forget it. Look in the mirror and repeat, “I have value and demand respect.” Believe it. If anyone tells you differently or treats you unkindly just hold up your hand to cut them off and walk away. They are not worth one more second of your time.

          • AnnieGetYourGun is spot-on, every single word. NO ONE deserves affairs and abuse. Please, he’s done enough harm. Don’t give him one second more help by taking one whit of responsibility for HIS cruelty and evil.

            You are amazing for having survived. Know that, and if you don’t, or you falter, come back and read her post. I wish I could give you a hug. Airborne will have to do. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

      • Aunt posher I was starting to feel bad too podger! I had to hide any male contact I had under another name. He was especially insane about an ex of mine I broke up with amicably. 7 years before meeting him. We remained platonic friends. Talked on the phone if it had to do with Union matters, never met for lunch, coffee, rarely saw each other at work, maybe once in passing every 6 mos or so. Much of the secrecy I had around hiding friends numbers were to protect him. I never wanted anyone to know I was living like this.

        He would read my texts, emails but never find anything. It was like being in the military and all of a sudden there’s a pop up inspection of computers and phones. He would demand I do FaceTime to make sure I was at work like I said I was.
        Found out he was cheating on me the whole time. Even had a seperate apartment I knew nothing about….shit

    • This is funny – I was in the very last stage of “lining up the ducks” and I managed to get into his phone for the first time in a long time. Not going to change anything, but hey – why not? He didn’t even have the sense to change her name to Dave or something. Just her normal name and at 7:45 in the AM on Saturday they had already been talking about some sex dream that she had had. I was like doing the “face palm” in my head.

    • Geekman, Anita, current chump,Sausalito, etc… So right on!
      Aunt Podger, I too had a control freak, but mine was w food. I could never have appetizers, dessert, cheese, pastries, ice cream, or seconds. He had such an eating disorder or that he refuse to recognize. We fought over food a lot, what I could eat and what I could not eat .

      Friends would tease him and tell him he was gaining weight and then I was the one who suffered and couldn’t eat anything.

      I would tell friends not to do this because I was the one that would be paying for it, but they thought it was funny because he was so anal about his weight gain.

      He was determined to stay his weight that he was in college he was now down to 62.

      Throughout my 40s and 50s I would hide eating food and only eat what I like when he was away working. My sister would watch and cover for me if we were out to a restaurant if she saw him come in we would switch plates.

      I never gained weight and probably never would other than when I went into menopause and I would tell him believe me I will lose the weight because I like clothes to much.

      Our 28th year he had an affair with a woman that was much heavier than me .

  • You might be a cheater if you disguise your adultery partners phone number in a second contacts entry of your friends name.

  • You might be a cheater if your spouse goes looking for evidence on a hunch, finds it, asks you about it, you deny say its only a casual thing thing, means nothing and why were you invading my privacy!

    • LOL! It goes from “you are mistaken” to “nothing happened” to “we’re both married so we didn’t cross that line” to “it didn’t mean anything” … hmmmm

      • Yes, how could you snoop through my personal things (gasp)? Um, how about a more important question like how could you keep a love letter from your whore in your briefcase, you idiot? Oh, that’s old he said you know I broke it off months ago.

        Well, did you read it? Because I did and she included the date.

        • You might be a cheater if you have a tube of K-Y jelly clearly visible in the mesh pocket of your bookbag that you place on the podium while you teach class.

          • That is creepy and disgusting. I hope the teaching evals mentioned the K-Y jelly so the Dean’s office could address it.

        • Don’t you just love the “Invasion of privacy” bullshit?
          When stbx gave me that crap statement on Dday, I told him that I thought our marriage was private?!

          So happy to be rid of that assclown

          • But I used to tell him he was invading my privacy. I hated that he would go through my phone and read my texts! Some of those texts were private conversations between friends ad myself not meant for him to see, personal situations, problems friends are having. I told him my friends text me not you! I tried to show by example and not do the same to him. Then one day I did . Every time I found something incriminating .

            You may be a cheater if your partner finds a text in your phone telling a women how beautiful she is and you ask her on a date and your response to her is “what about you fucking your ex at work?” Even though you have no evidence to prove this ever happened…..and you continue to repeat this response until your partner ends up trying to defend herself against these false accusations….mission accomplished .

  • You might be a cheater if you spend thousands of dollars on credits for a dating site while still being married to your clueless wife.

  • You might be a cheater if your spouse points out the enormous amount of text messages to your “Friend” over the course of a cell phone billing period so you move said Friend to a texting app which your chumpy spouse discovers only to respond, “well I didn’t want to upset you with all those text messages when you pay the bill.”

  • You might be a cheater if … you complain your wife never wants to do anything with you anymore, but you’re a passive-aggressive shit to her on date nights … because you’re secretly comparing her to the other women you go out with and they’re “more fun.”

    • OMG I lived that! It’s hard to compete with new and shiny especially when you didn’t even know new and shiny existed.

    • One of the best things about CN is posting something you’re not sure anyone will understand … and then finding out you’re not alone and that move was right out of the Cheater Playbook. OMG!

      And yep on the competition. When I confronted him about his behavior, I couldn’t believe that in his arrogant, entitled mind, I — his wife — was in competition with ANYONE, let alone his whores. Whores who probably believed that boring wifey just didn’t understand him anymore. I wonder if they got the message that if they weren’t fun and entertaining enough he’d put them in the same category as the old ball and chain. Kibbles, kibbles everywhere.

      At first I was hurt and humiliated. Then I was furious for a long time. Now it makes me laugh because it’s another story of Cheese Fries’s asshattery. Hard to believe I used to think the mask was the real him.

        • I used to call him The Entitled One which also fits. As I was processing our twenty-two-year relationship, I had to swallow the fact that I knew he what he was before we even started dating but I spackled like hell because the good times were so good. Back in college, he told me he and his friends used to have some ongoing bet about sleeping with different women — women who were in relationships. I don’t remember the exact details but the prize was Cheese Fries at the student union. And I knew he’d cheated on his long-distance girlfriend. I assumed he would grow out of that juvenile crap simply because I couldn’t imagine anyone NOT growing out of it. So now I call him Cheese Fries to remind me that he never changed, he’s still the guy I knew he was before I put my blinders on.

          • My stbxw told me about the time she and a friend were in a club, and the friend dared her to go up to and seduce the hottest guy there. Which she did, and ended up spending several days on his sailboat, blah, blah, blah. Should have figured…

    • YES– I remember the last date I went out on with ex-cheater shortly before D-Day. We went out to dinner, and I remember sitting there while he told me, in excruciating detail, all about one of his grad classes. It was like the social studies class scene with Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: “Anyone…? Anyone…? Voodoo economics…?”

      When I think about that, I have to laugh that he was the one who cheated. I can’t say that my final memories of our time together were filled with his romantic gestures or sparkling conversation. He clearly didn’t need to cheat to get away from me– he cheated to get away from himself. Only… oops. As Emerson once wrote, “My giant goes with me wherever I go.”

  • You might be a cheater if you suddenly start taking herbal male enhancement pills but tell your wife it is to promote bone health. Boner, more like it.

  • …If you can’t muster the hand-eye coordination required to change a baby’s diaper or fold a load of laundry, but you can easily sext long Penthouse Forum type paragraphs one-handed while jerking off with the other.

  • You might be a cheater if you think the classic movie “Gaslight” is an instructional video.

  • you tell your wife how luck you are that you have two best friends, her and the woman young enough to be your daughter that you hide texts from because she signs them xoxo.

  • 4 weeks into your marriage you ask your spouse if they have anyone they “regret” not being “with”.

    6 weeks into your marriage you secretly cash out the honeymoon funds from your wedding.

  • You might be a cheater if:

    1. You buy condoms and your wife has had a hysterectomy.
    2. Your cell phone can’t be more than an arms reach away and always face down.
    3. You go out with the friends that you don’t really have.
    4. You send a text to your girlfriend declaring your love but your wife gets it.
    5. You have to look up the word “defendant” when you get served.
    6. You’re a Fucktard.

    • Yes!!! This I knew it was not just me with the condoms, in my case XH periodically insisted on using them in the bedroom post hysterectomy because my vagina ‘irritated’ him – maybe ‘it’ knew something I didn’t ???

      I also bought the periodic ‘ man scape’ explanation as male grooming gone overboard ?

      • My vagina “knew something I didn’t.” Now that’s a cartoon I don’t think Chump Lady can post, but the mental image caused me to choke on my coffee. I’m laughing so hard tears are running down my legs.

      • Man scaping is just vain and gross! Ewwwww! Not very manly if he wants to do this. Asswipe did it cause of the whore he is a pretty hairy guy. I told him want to look better for the whores? Shave your back and butt hair. A slong is supposed to be manly not pretty you whiny little bitch!

        • The Coward left an enormous mound of gray pubes, unflushed, in the master bath toilet before BD. Aside from being gag-inducing, it was another giant “fuck you” to me. And he looked ridiculous. I hope it itched.

            • It looked like he had taken a weed-whacker to his tallywhacker. It just looked horrible.

              Bahahahah! The more I think about it. Bahahahahah!!!

              • I’d be happy to use a weedwhacker on any cheater looking to manscape/womanscape. No cost. Feel free to offer my services to your X.

              • I busted out laughing and said it looked like a boys and not a man. He asked me doesnt it look trimmer and neater? No i said it looks stupid your supposed to be a man. Turns out the whore liked it and also the beard he grew. I hate a beard on him it doesnt make him more handsome, less handsome, some guys just dont look good in beards and way older. But some guys are just plain stupid. No offense to all guys but if you manscaping dont. Ewwww!

              • Asswipe always referred to caveman mentality when speaking of the relationship roots. My only comment was im sure cavemen didnt shave their pubes to empress whores. He shut up always referring to cavemen but uh wake up dude its 2016, where are all your tribal tattooes and piercings? Asshole. Cavemen is no excuse for cheating. What an idiot?!

    • Hey, at least yours used condoms. That’s a rarity in Cheaterville, you must have gotten a special one!

      • Yes, but not always – I was pissed about the condoms because:

        A. There was no chance of getting pregnant
        B. I was infertile due to an emergency op and nearly died during the procedure so to bring condoms ( flavoured) into the bedroom 2 mths later was a bit of an insult!
        C. He wasn’t consistent – maybe my vagina wasn’t always angry …… enough ???

        Either way, infertility with a cheater sucks especially if you invest a long time with someone and find yourself at 40+ childless, homeless and wondering who the hell you have been living with half your life .

        The only advantage is that you have not procreated with the fucktard so no contact is possible from the start.

    • Having to look up the word “defendant” cracked me up–mine hated being referred to as the “respondent,” especially when it meant he had to sit behind me in court with a big sign in front of him. It also reminds me of my neighbor, a man I strongly suspect is a narcissist but I don’t know him well enough to be sure. The other day when we were out in our yards chatting, he and his wife started arguing about whether or not they’d both been deposed in a lawsuit between other neighbors that happened a few years before I moved in. Clearly hubby wanted to be right but obviously had a shakey grasp of the facts, and his wife refused to back down on her insistence that she had, in fact, been deposed. He got angry and exasperated and finally said, “All I know is that they did not deport ME.” She came back with, “Well, you should have been deported. But the word you were looking for is ‘depose.'”

  • You might be a cheater if you are using private windows while browsing the Internet.

    You might be a cheater when you arrive at the restaurant for a family dinner and cannot look your spouse in the eyes for fifteen minutes. And when you do, it is with a grimace.

    • Yep!! Always used the private browsing, and each time I confronted him? “I didn’t know it was set on that”. Uh huh, along with being set to delete the history after each session. I’d change the settings without telling him and lo and behold the magical computer would re-set itself to his preferences late in the night.

  • You might be a cheater if you take your family for a quick overnight stay of a vacation, then go for a week to the beach “by yourself.”

    Thanks for the great childhood memories, Dad.

    • The Coward did that. Needed a trip to Hawaii to “clear his head” because work had been so stressful. During the school year. He asked me a couple weeks before if I wanted to go. Of course there was no way I could arrange for time off work on short notice, and the kids couldn’t go, but weren’t old enough to leave alone. I was irritated then guilty for being irritated that he didn’t try to plan a vacation we could all enjoy as a family? (So confused.) But then I put my confident/supportive wife pants on and bid him farewell–he deserved some time off, I reasoned! I teased him about “his girlfriend,” (hahahah) knowing he didn’t have one. I’m sure it made The Coward feel like big shit to get one over on me like that. Well? Better have been worth it. Who’s laughing now? Me! What a loser….

  • You might be a cheater if:
    You send 27 text msgs a day to the female neighbor.
    You have games you play with her, to see who knows the most rock bands.
    You take her to the park, to feed the ducks on Saturday.
    She rents a hotel room, and invites you over to talk!
    God, they’re stupid.

  • You might be a cheater if you tell your spouse you purchased an Ashley Madison membership only so you could make new friends.

    • Yes! Or if you tell your spouse that answering Craigslist sex ads was just fantasy. “Besides, no one responded!”

      • I got that one too!! But mine was,”I’d probably never go through with it.” I really loved that “probably” disclaimer, especially while waiting in the clinic for my STD tests.

      • hahahaha I got that too! pretty much forgotten it, now. thanks for the chuckle.

        Oh, and being a cheater….he lied about his age and whatnot in the ads.

        You might be a cheater if…you lie to prospective fuckbuddies who are half your age …

  • You might be a cheater if you’re too tired to have sex with your wife because you just got home from having sex with someone else then when your wife discovers your cheating, you justify it by saying that you and your wife rarely had sex.

    You might be a cheater if you’re screwing others while telling your unknowing spouse how much you love them, your family, the life you’ve built together, etc.

    • “You might be a cheater if you’re screwing others while telling your unknowing spouse how much you love them, your family, the life you’ve built together, etc.”

      So much this.

      • You might be a cheater if-
        Your spouse says “your the most beautiful thing I wake up to!!”
        And “you complete me and I love you so much!!”

        Translation-
        cause yesterday I woke up next to a 50 year old shrivelled horse face cumbucket who makes strange noises when we fuck so I can’t keep it up as its so distracting even closing my eyes doesn’t help and “I feel sorry for the horse missing it’s teeth!!” And yes he actually said that about her after he got busted. The nicest thing he could say about her was “she has nice eyes”. Really what a load of horse dung…. misognystic prick!!!

  • You spend Christmas morning with your face in your phone texting your whore instead of watching your four-year-old open her presents.

    • Gosh, that was another brilliant idea fuckwit had during wreckonciliation. Why not do a coffee table book of all ages, shapes and sizes of naked women to show the “beauty” of the female form. ( while telling me to lose weight) they really are all stupid, aren’t they?

      • Mine suggested that we start an online porn business. I was about 6 weeks post-partum after our first child and I couldn’t for the life of me figure if I was supposed to be in “the action” (I’m sure there’s a market for post-natal porn somewhere) or whether I was just supposed to support his new business idea. Neither particularly appealed to me. Go figure.

  • You might be a cheater if “refusal to buy leather seats for new car five years ago” is the best you can come up with when blaming your spouse for making you so unhappy in the marriage that you had no choice but to destroy it.

    • But you don’t understand how important THINGS are to shallow people. How can she hold her face up and manage her image without those damn leather seats? Unreasonable chumps!

    • Yes!!! My husband told me he shut down emotionally and put up a wall because I didn’t support his career enough when I asked him to spend more time with me and the kids instead of working every night until midnight! Now we really know what he was doing!

      • I wish my mil could read this one. She’s going around telling everyone that h had to have an cause of this. ^^^

      • Mine hinted that our marriage started to deteriorate when in response to him wanting to quit his “regular” job and work on his business full time (which was not exceptionally successful), I had the audacity to suggest that we should talk about plan keeping track of how it was going and at what point we might have to think about changing back a regular day job so that we were not plunged into financial ruin. Apparently not wanting to lose the house and go back to living like a college kid at closing in age 40 meant that I didn’t BELIEVE IN HIM!!! Magical special him who was certain to be a huge success and the fact that I couldn’t just accept that he was the next Steve Jobs, well… he just can’t do that and needed to find someone who got him and understood that he WOULD be successful.

    • You refuse to have sex with your wife because you claim her messy closet, and the garage being a mess has put you in a bad mood & makes you not want to have sex when in all reality you are saving yourself for your pay for play whores!

  • You might be a cheater if in thirty plus years together you never bothered to ask your wife what her favorite flower is (it’s NOT red roses from a grocery store you asshat) but you have the flower preferences of your stripper fuck buddies listed in their contact information on your phone.

    • Sorry, that made me laugh! I have gotten more spray-painted carnations from the grocery store than I care to remember. Accompanied by a mylar balloon if he was feeling magnanimous…

      • Credit card records show he bought flowers for all of us on the same day! I bet he felt like a stud at the florist, being romantic to all his ladies. He sucks!

        • Years ago I was a small town florist and a fellow came in to get identical bud vases, one for his wife and one for his girl friend. He had the cards in the wrong envelopes. I debated whether to tell him, but at the last minute I did…and have regretted it ever since. He almost collapsed with relief.

          Later his wife called to question the bill and wanted an itemized account. I imagine he collapsed then, too.

      • Mine professed to be shocked, shocked I tell you, to learn–after 24 years of marriage–that carnations are not, in fact, my favorite flower! Never mind that on the rare occasion when he’d previously given me flowers, he’d at least had the good sense not to buy me carnations. Remembering petty details like that is beneath these disordered fucks.

        • Mine had flowers delivered to me on our anniversary on a Thursday, he walked out on Monday morning…got the bill, he got the 2 for 1 deal at Flowers to go and sent her flowers on the same day. POS.

    • ugh, mine stopped buying flowers for me because I paid the credit card bill. He said he was afraid I would see the charge online before I got the flowers – and I belived him. What a chump I was.

      and for the random times that he acknowledged a special occasion (my birthday, etc.) he would take me to a restraurant he liked. He likes fish and I don’t. I do eat shrimp so I was limited in what I could order.

      • you might be a cheater if your wife arranges & throws a surprise party for your 40th with all your friends & relatives then you turn to her the afternoon of her 40th and say “what do you want to do tonight?” Answer: I want a party to celebrate my 40th too! Well, says cheater, I didn’t plan anything because I know women don’t like to be reminded of their age.

        • OR, you might be a cheater if your wife arranges & throws a surprise party for your 40th with all your friends and relatives and your buddies concoct a ruse to get you to the venue and you walk in with your whore.

  • You might be a cheater if you send over one thousand text messages a month to another woman but can’t send one text to your wife telling her you’re unhappy.

    • Yes! 18 hours a day of text messages but when asked if her phone number looks familiar to him he says no. Then tells you he lost all his contacts in his phone recently and can’t remeber whose number is whose. Then claims it’s just an “emotional affair” when pressured and it meant nothing and he’s glad I found out because it was all to much for him to handle. But comes back a month later and is mad at you because you are being mean to the OW.

      • Same here except mine was stupid enough to bring a list of work contacts home and it listed all their cell phone numbers. It took me but a minute to realize it wasn’t his boss he was texting 300 times per day.

  • You might be a cheater if you just talk to other guys to better understand the bible because they are a former youth minister and to help better understand you (the husband)

    • You might be a cheater if you are texting/talking/lunching/screwing a howorker 40 yrs younger to “work on their marriage” but won’t say a word when spouse brings up your “distant” behavior.

      You ARE a cheater is your ex-spouse is a proud member of this Chump Nation.

  • You might be a cheater if your wife finds your viagra and you claim it’s to enhance your athletic performance

    • I have a question. If the ap are so “sexy and fuckable” why do so many of these guys need Viagra? Just sayin, lol.

      • Only thing that gets limp dick hard any more is vicious bondage sex, double dose viagra, hair bands and shoelaces around his slong with a belt in his hand visciously beating a pod woman to a pulp, taking pictures of said bruises for jerking off in the bathroom later on. Never knew how disgusting he really was. Needs total control or he cant get it up. Hes almost 100 percent a dom but enjoys being hurt and beaten on occasion while he directs dont do this dont do that. Yeah big tough guy thinks he a god no wonder he didnt interact with the kids much like me they are not very obediant either. Asshole!

        • Kar Marie, I can’t really think of any words for how disgusting your ex is. Thank God he found someone else who is as sick as he is.

          • Anita, she is dumping him again as i write this fifth time!!! But i have no worries some other stupid woman will want him im sure!

      • Anita, I wondered the same thing. Why would he need Viagra for hookers or for his side piece that’s almost 20 yrs younger? You’d think they’d be the reason he wouldn’t need it. Could be the pressure of trying to constantly perform like he was in his 20’s when he’s in his 60’s… I dunno.

        All I know for sure is that he’s old, he’s a drunk and he farts a lot.

        • Supposed “Gods gift to women” , “because he still got it” , couldn’t keep it up either. He had problems before and during his sex-antics with OW’s. Maybe just maybe douchebag the over consumption of hard core porn has killed it for you!!!

    • My special snowflake said he got Viagra four times in the previous month because it helped him pleasure himself.?
      Also, back when we were having sex, he would take an Ambien and a Viagra and tell me I had 15mins.

  • You might be a cheater if after confessing that the unborn baby you and your agonized husband terminated was not really your husband’s, you sweetly say, “See how much I love you? How much I sacrificed for you? The OM was really angry”–while your husband stares at you, mouth agape, with a dawning realization he married a severely disordered, impossibly evil person.

          • Or it gets in the way while you’re training for a marathon, but you have a thing attached to your shoe and another thing wrapped around your chest that transmits data to the ginormous watch on your wrist.

    • My STBX LITERALLY broke out from his ring. So, we got another ring, different metal. Supposedly not something that one breaks out from. And he still broke out. I always joked that he was “allergic to marriage”. I didn’t know that I was right…

        • Mine got his resized so that it was in constant danger of slipping off, then he lost weight to make sure that losing it would be inevitable. When I made it clear that I wasn’t buying these excuses he set up in advance, he developed the habit of constantly taking his ring on and off any time he had to sit and listen to me or anyone else speak, even at work. It was so obvious and embarrassing to watch.

          • Mine wouldn’t wear his wedding ring because, “as a surgeon he had to wash his hands so many times a day he was afraid he would loose it”. Funny how so many of his colleagues could seem to keep track of theirs and wear them.

    • Mine “joked” about not wearing his ring because it “cut of his circulation.” Ha-ha. Fucker.

      Oh, and you miiight be a cheater if you come home from a business trip missing your wedding ring because “it was stolen out of my suitcase,” and refusing to address why it wasn’t on your finger.

  • You might be a cheater….if

    simultaneously get breast implants and become a vegan

    snort coke and preach the dangers of gluten

    Spray tanning and Botox injections but only buys organic vegetables and fruits.

    Cares about global warming but blasts the air conditioner while driving the big SUV.

    Selfie addiction and Marilyn Monroe quotes on Facebook

    Follower of Esther Perel and Gwyneth Paltrow

    New Age music and vodka

    etc…..enough for now

  • You might be a cheater if you tell your wife you’re not sure what to do because a girl you used to go to high school with told you she thinks you two should try dating (even though you’re not even legally separated) and you’re hesitant because the girl is also your best friend’s sister. Your wife, apparently, doesn’t factor into your tough decision.

    • Insert image of horrified scream here.

      OMG!

      Immediately after the discard, Cheese Fries friendzoned me (because what’s twenty-two years together? pffft) and would tell me about his dating adventures while I’d stare at him, utterly gobsmacked by the words coming out of his mouth.

      • I was always expected to lend a sympathetic ear whenever he felt inclined to share with me about how he was feeling down because he just couldn’t find the right woman (we’re still married BTW). Then he’d get upset by my lack of sympathy and tell me, “see this is why I can’t open up to you.” Yeah, you’re right. You shouldn’t open up to me anymore because lately anytime you open your mouth I want to dump a pot of boiling water over your head!

  • You might be a cheater if…
    You tell your husband ” I would have never given him (OM) the time of day if I had known he was engaged.”

  • …if you don’t want to be monogamous but you promised your partner monogamy and feel entitled to receive monogamy in return

    …if you think omitting information is essentially honest because you didn’t outright speak a lie

    …if you stay in a relationship you don’t want because it legitimizes your social image and/or ensures strong financial support for the lifestyle to which you have grown accustomed

    …if pleasant physical sensations in your genitals are substantially more important to you than pretty much anything else

    …if you are a self-aggrandizing, childish douchebag who doesn’t give a shit how anyone else feels as long as you are getting everything you want at all times

  • If you can’t go to the bathroom without your cell phone….you might be a cheater!

    You guys are awesome at this!!

  • You might be a cheater if everything you say and do is absolutely completely utterly perfect, while everything your partner says and does is so wrong you are forced to lecture them daily and write them thousands of words-long emails even though you share the same bed. Oh, and if you never ever compliment them no matter how lovingly and successfully they supported your emotional, physical, social, sexual, domestic, financial and spiritual well-being while you did almost nothing in return. Because you were busy. With the only person on earth who deserves your super-duper-amazing love, an OW who is half your age and willing to fuck you once or twice if sufficiently bribed.

  • You know you have a gay cheater when he frequents one of the many second hand clothing shops he likes to go to and comes home with a woman’s t-shirt and when you see it and comment. Thanks for the thought but it won’t fit me and he response no I got that for me. And you tell him it is a woman’s t-shirt and he states he doesn’t care he likes it. And your left puzzled and he’s now sulking because you had the audacity to question his choices in clothing.

  • You might be a cheater if you fly to Florida to apologize to the other woman because you hurt her too. You lied to her too. And even though you say you’re going to break up with her the plane gets delayed and you have to stay there eight days.

    • You might be a cheater if you tell your wife you don’t want to let the OW get too close emotionally because you don’t want to hurt her, completely disregarding how hurt your wife is hearing about how concerned you are about hurting the person who is trying to destroy your marriage.

  • You might be a cheater if you tell your wife that the other woman is the most honest person you know and that I would like her

  • You might be a cheater if you can only talk to your friend on the phone if you are down the street at the local park and standing hidden in a grove of trees next to a graveyard. For about an hour every single day before you come home from work. I shit you not. “Find my iphone” is such a useful little app.

      • They really are. Mine had no idea about Find my Iphone either. And like yours, Dixie, he used to show up in the oddest of places, some of which I later discovered were well-known hook-up spots for men on the down-low.

        • Mine had to hide among the trees so that he could have phone sex with his boyfriend who was several states away after we moved. Ewww.

    • Oh how I love Find my IPhone! Also, if you can’t use it on the cheaters phone, you can always accidentally leave it YOUR phone in their car and track them off your phone. #marriagepolice #evidence

    • How about sitting in the drive for an hour with the car on and music playing softly in the background all the while telling your “soulmate” (fuckbuddy) that your finding it “so hard to say goodbye” and head into the house to see the family, more particularly your wife, “who’s a bitch and doesn’t listen to me and doesn’t like change Wah Wah!!”
      Who you then take on a fun romantic date and splash all over Facebook, much to the horror and distress of said fuckbuddy. I know this because said fuckbuddies Hubby at the time had sound activated recording/tracking device in her car and shared it with me.
      All the while I’m inside getting dinner, helping with homework, cleaning and juggling the needs of our quadraplegic son!!!
      Oh his life is so hard poor sad sausage!!!
      NOT!!!

  • You might be a cheater if you take three vacations a year with your “friend” but only one a year with your actual family.

  • You might be a cheater if out of the blue
    you ask your daugjter and wife to go shopping and select a men’s cologne for you when you’ve never worn cologn in your life.

    You might be a cheater if you start becoming obsessed with brushing your teeth every time you walk out the door and start buying breath mints when you never did before.

    You might be a cheater if you start emotionally abusing your wife and kid.

    you might be a cheater if you start saying you want to go on country road drives in your sports car by yourself on the weekend when you never did before.

  • You’re a cheater when your chump decides to see what exactly you are up to after vanishing daily. That decision leads to shit hitting the fan approx 5 minutes later. Yep, you’re a really dumb cheater when you think you are safe using the snapchat app?. Hacked that in 5 min and was chatting up the dumb drunk cock slobbering bitch on your behalf.

    You’re a cheater when you get pissed that the chump trumped your smug fucking face by hacking your shit so easy. BAM!

  • …if you claim “insecurity issues” led you to have an endless number of f%$# buddies throughout your entire 20 year marriage…

    • Or the reason was – I’m insecure, and I was just looking for ‘acceptance’.
      ?
      Hmm, since when does acceptance involve getting your secretary pregnant?

      • Gawd..they’re all the same! Seriously, is the cheater playbook etched on the palms of their hands? Acceptance? I’m so sorry FreeWoman.

        I never acknowledged the “insecure” bs my exh spewed. He is in marketing/sales for f$;@ sake!!!…word salad is his ONLY language. Insecure my ass.

  • You might be a cheater if:

    You panic and race back into the house when you realize you left your cell phone behind

    You tell your spouse she’s just a friend and the affair is imaginary

    You are found at 3am on the couch with your pants down, cell phone tightly clutched in your hand

    After years of neglect you suddenly need to lose the belly

    After 17 years you suddenly start telling everyone your spouse is abusive

    You tell everyone you haven’t had sex in years and neglect to mention you were the one who refused sex

    • Don’t forget the sudden interest in getting your teeth whitened and a discolored tooth fixed after 30+ years of it not being an issue.

      • Yes to the teeth whitening!! Mine also became so obsessed with losing weight that I felt like I was married to an anorexic teenage girl. He also grew a beard which he knew I hated (so I am guessing the OW liked it)

        • Why are these cheaters so shallow? I have never had a good relationship with anyone who has been obsessed with outward things, like appearance, money, popularity , etc.

        • Manorexia! Mine got that too. Would race into the bathroom and weigh himself multiple times a day. Loser.

      • Yes, teeth whitening, and what’s up with shaving one’s chest? Is stubble there supposed to be arousing?

      • You might be a cheater, if after a period of neglecting your teeth, you decide to let your chump pay/go into debt to have 5 cavities fixed. Then, after getting home from the dentist and being in a bad mood, you physically attack your chump for asking to have a talk about the marriage.

    • Dat, I also walked in on X sound asleep, naked, with just his boxers around his knees and his iPad on his chest. And pretty much ditto on everything else here, I always chalked the manscaping up to the fact that he’s gay and that seems to be a thing with a lot of gay men–but I have no idea why straight men would assume women to find it attractive.

      And Chump Mama, I used to tell people the exact same thing when X went on a rabbit-food diet to lose weight not long after the manscaping, new goatee, and new underwear–that it was like living with an anorexic teenage girl. Add to that his sanctimonious sneers at the healthy meals I continued to serve to myself and our children, as well as his refusal to order food from restaurants while we were on vacation. He’d just sit there while the rest of us ate and alternate between looking down his nose at us and at his phone.

      • I figured out that the reason that these changes are made by our mates is because the Cheaters are so stupid. These women (OW’s in my case) know the guys are married or taken, so they say they are “game” for no strings sex and “fun”. Then they starting saying things like I wish you would grow a beard, or I like plaid boxers, or I wish you would manscape, lose weight, etc., etc., etc., because they really DO want us to find out, get mad and leave. This way, the women look innocent like they never intended for this to happen. And the Cheaters are too foolish to blame them. After all they are great gals and loads of fun!

        And, you might be a Cheater if you confuse your spouse by coming home and starting a fight straight away so you can walk back out the door to your waiting side piece you already had plans with. Leaving your spouse thinking WTF? What just happened?

  • You might be a cheater if you have a deep mutual attraction to your tennis pro
    And your mixed doubles partner
    And your best friend’s husband
    And your neighbors husband
    And your last boyfriend from 12 years ago

  • You might be a cheater if you suddenly need to walk the dog WITH YOUR PHONE and the dog just had a walk about 10 minutes ago.

    • I saw a 100% increase in dog walking too. Just another validation that they are all cut from the same cloth.

      • Yes! Mine seemed happy enough to take the dogs to dog parks on the weekend, probably so he could set up his Craigslist hookups for the week.

      • You may be a cheater if you drive the dog cross town to walk her at the park. Around the corner from OW’s house. Despite living 5 mins from the huge park that the dog loves.

    • We didn’t have a dog but my ex would take about an hour longer to mow the grass than he needed to because he would stop to text women at various places outside that I couldn’t see from the windows.

      Even my daughter commented after he was gone at how fast I could mow the lawn compared to him.

  • You might be a cheater if…..

    You never forget to clear your history, cache, etc.

    You refuse to allow Find my Phone because you will not “live like I’m in jail.”

    You say after 23 years of marriage and 3 kids that you want to find someone you are more compatible with.

    If you defend your 9 year double life of cheating with your wife’s friend by saying that you are just a good person who made a mistake.

  • You might be a cheater if you tell your spouse you’ll consider reconciliation if she will have anal sex with you.

    • You should have come home with the biggest dildo you could find and said, “You first asshole.”

    • That is disturbing. Mine said he’d consider reconciling with me after asking for a divorce (though I didn’t know it was to be with gradwhore) if I’d consider threesomes, foursomes, and lesbian sex so that he could watch.

      • *head spin* WHAT? “I’ve degraded you shamefully and shamelessly already, and now I’d like to degrade you more. ‘Cause I’m so magnificent.”

        “Never mind that I’m an academic who’s supposed to think for a living such that inanity of ANY kind should immediately set off alarms in at least the intellectual part of my brain.” Holy shit.

  • You might be a cheater if you can read the CL posts and truly believe that this stuff does not apply to you because your situation is “different.”

  • You might be a cheater if…

    Your phone NEVER leaves your side, including when cooking, taking it to the bathroom with you, and sleeping with it under your pillow…

    • I can’t believe these dumasses don’t know about all the secret texting/ phone call apps there are these days.

  • You might be a cheater if…
    Your spouse/significant other is the one who always has to initiate sex

    (…and then made to feel inadequate/ like it is a chore)

  • You might be a cheater if…

    You show a sudden obsession with TV programmes about cheating. Including watching ‘The Affair’, then secretly recording, watching, then deleting episodes of another TV show based on cheating (but then forgetting to delete an episode mid-series before the wife notices)

      • How about a sudden obsession with the television show “Cheaters” and insisting that you watch it together, even though you tell him you really hate it? How weird is that?

  • You might be a cheater if… everytime you go visit your “mom” you refuse to take your children with you so they can see their grandmother.

    You might be a cheater if… you sleep with your phone, claiming you don’t want to miss your mom’s call.

    You might be a cheater if… you tell your wife your cousin’s funeral is on Friday and then turn around and tell her it’s been moved to Saturday. Bonus points if you take your whore to the funeral to introduce her to your family. Triple bonus points if you claim to have found your mom’s keys in your briefcase once you were halfway home so you needed to turn around and go back and then you don’t manage to get your ass home until after 5 the next day.

    You might be a cheater if… you tell your wife you’re going to visit your best friend in one state but your mother-in-law volunteers to trail your ass and finds your car parked in the whore’s driveway in a completely different state.

    • You might be a cheater if you tell your spouse you are visiting mom for three days and tell mom it is for two days … One free day and night where no one really knows where you are! And extra points for being such a good son who visits “mom” all the time!

  • You might be a cheater if you’re jealous of any opposite sex friends your chump has – because opposite sex friends are only for sex.

  • You might be a cheater if lying by omission = telling the truth

    You might be a cheater if you have prayed, and God has forgiven you for the affair, so it’s all good

  • You might be a cheater if…you were physically there (insert any family event), but no one remembers, because you were NOT mentally there!

    It’s like Darkness become a ghost – to me and kids. I know now it’s because he was giving all of his attention to his secret life.

  • You feel bad about having been caught cheating but not about the actually cheating.

    You have more female friends than male friends because women are “more understanding.”

    You pretend your marriage is fine so that others won’t judge the fact that you abandoned your family for a 28-year old piece of ass.

    You tell your wife you want a divorce and then do nothing about it for two years because you’re weak and a coward.

    You blame everyone but yourself for your poor choices and resulting depression.

    You refuse to understand that YOU SUCK.

    • My POS took almost 4 years to give me the divorce he wanted so badly. I had to ride his ass hard for at least 2.5 of those years. I even asked for a d as my 40th nd gift. Still took fucknuts another 3 years to get to it. Boo hoo, consequences really *hurt*. Yep, he sure does suck.

  • You might be a cheater if you have a screen full of texts on your phone to someone other than your husband that just says “I love you” over and over again, and you tell your husband that you say that to everybody and it’s just a perfectly normal greeting.

    You might be a cheater if you only have sex on the last night of your honeymoon, and then not again for another 6 months.

    You might be a cheater if a friend of your mother sees you holding hands with a guy at Target, and you tell your mom and your husband that he’s just your “gay friend”.

    You might be a cheater if you tell potential boyfriends on chat “I want to cuddle, but not with him [husband]”.

    And best of all, you might be a super-DUPER cheater, if you tell your husband /this/ story: http://www.chumplady.com/2016/08/ubt-arent-homewreckers/#comment-257628

    Your husband might be a chump if he buys it.

    • HeatDeath, the whole story is awful. Just hideous. And almost certainly only a tiny piece of the rest of her abuse of you. That said, what you do know for sure is wretched and cruel; I hope you are at or get to meh soon. I’m sorry.

  • You might be a cheater if:

    -you have 6 magnum condoms and notes preparing for a sexual harassment charge in your computer bag (D-day)

    -your sister-in-law finds dick-pix on your camera at a wedding

    -you come home at 5 a.m. after graduate student parties, with a note not to wake you

    -you suddenly start buying Diesel jeans in your 50s

    • I had a creepy neighbor dude in his 50s with a flat butt that wore Diesel jeans with the huge embroidered pockets. My dark side did think this funny.

      I’m too somewhere around my 50s and do like CoH jeans though.

      • I think jeans on guys are sexy at any age; my X simply became obsessed with what 20-year olds were wearing after his affair with 22-year old gradwhore. He started teeth whitening and manscaping shortly thereafter, too.

        • I think they’re sexy, especially on an older man who can actually button them up and they fit. (I don’t know about those Diesel jeans)
          X quit wearing jeans when he turned 30 because he got too fat.
          He lives in sweat pants – so very sexy.

  • You might be a cheater if in front of your husband you tell the marriage counselor that you truly love your husband and made a huge mistake you regret then send your AP an email or text that evening.

  • You might be a cheater if…

    you claim to be visiting your dying grandfather but are actually with the whore.

    you are late to said grandfathers wake because you’re on a business trip with the whore. apparently the airplanes to get home stopped flying.

    you forget to pick up your kid from daycare because you are with the whore.

    your google search history includes, “can my wife see my text messages” (or something to that effect)

    you claim that your paycheck is “my money” and open up a new bank account.

  • You might be a cheater if you get pregnant while your husband is in the hospital with a burst appendix and so hasn’t had sex with you in 6 weeks. You might be really stupid if you then tell him you are pregnant and ask him to pay for an abortion.

  • You might be a cheater if:
    – You keep a lifetime supply of Axe body spray in your car
    – You poop and shower with your cell phone
    – You take “shadow” photos with your fuckbuddy so you can upload them onto facebook without exposing your fuckbuddy’s identity

      • Yep – “Check!” OMG – It was pathetic. Mine would bring it to bed and walk with it along his leg (toward the wall – not the leg closest to me) as though I couldn’t see it. Fucking idiot. Then of course lock it before crawling into bed (of course facing the wall while doing so.)

    • OMG LiningUpDucke the shadow photos yes I was given them by the Whores Hubby. All set up against nature backdrops of the two of them cuddling and kissing. Then there were the kissing selfies browse people are demented and sick.

  • You might be a cheater if you fail to come home and after your wife has spent early morning hours calling local hospitals and police you finally call return her call and actually claim you fell asleep in your car after a late work dinner with colleagues.

    Really? How dumb do you think I am? I know if my husband is not in our bed at night, he’s in someone’s.

    • NoooNooooOooo….
      He just fell asleep on her couch, that’s why he dragged his ass in at 6 AM! You silly Chump!
      Gee, you always think the worst, don’t you?
      (Actual conversation)

      • Urggggggh. I got something similar about him passing out at a friend’s house. Several times over (missing the last train home, got too drunk etc).

        Except one time he sent me a message in the morning after another unscheduled stop over: “heading home now, just pulling my clothes on”. Errrrrr, you got naked on your friend’s sofa??? What a giveaway. What a chump I was. The shame.

  • You might be a cheater wife! If you get annoyed at your husband for finally telling the 3 kids why mummy and daddy are getting divorced I.e you ran off with the butcher, who lives at home with his mum, and you thought it might be a good idea to contemplate having his child and then get an abortion. Bye bye cheater, man chump checking out

    • You guy chumps have an extra layer of hell with the paternity issue. I’m sorry for what you went through.

      • Yeah, my cheater was very late twice, once before and once after dday #1, and both times luckily were negative. Whew! Plus I had had a vasectomy but my manipulative cheater would say “you have such strong sperm they probably still made there way through!” Of course, I later found out she was just trying to rationalize that I was the father. But luckily, moot, since she was not pregnant.

    • My cheater asked me to pay for an abortion. Not very smart as I was laid up in the hospital when she got pregnant. Cheater busted, Not very smart, lol.

  • You might be a cheater if you declare “I never so much as held hands with that woman” when you actually had an extended bout of oral sex.

  • You might be a cheater if…

    …you are more upset about people knowing about your cheating than actually cheating on your partner of years!

    …you meet reasonable requests for respecting the marriage with “You’re not the boss of me!” responses.

    …you fail to grasp how inappropriate it is to share about your marriage with a “former” affair partner.

  • …..if you just shrug after discovering your father cheated on your mother after 30 years of marriage

    …..if your already severely limited vocabulary just grew to include the word “soulmate”

    …..if Verizon, Spokeo, and Holiday Inn are all conspiring against you to fabricate false records

    …..if you “lost” your wedding ring in a strange vagina

    …..if you have replaced your three-hair comb-over with a toupee that could put Daniel Boone’s ‘coonskin hat to shame

  • You might be a cheater if:

    ….Your extensive friends list on Facebook consists mostly of women who post sexy selfies.

    ….The majority of phone/text/email conversations with your “friends” occur in the middle of the night when your wife is asleep.

    ….You sext with your “friends”.

    ….You get excited that you’re too busy at work and can’t go along on the family vacation.

    • ….You don’t introduce your “just friends” to your wife and go to great measures to ensure they don’t ever meet.

  • …if you can remember and recite a litany (to the tiniest details!) of examples of your faithful spouse’s “flaws” or “mistakes” (real or perceived), including examples from 12 years ago…but you “just don’t remember” where you were, who you were with, or what you were doing for 15 hours last Saturday.

    • +1000. You might be a cheater if your spouse, when under detailed and repetitive attack and trying to fathom the disproportionality of your rage, says, very quietly, “Can you try to remember that I’m a human being over here, you know, just like all those people in your life you NEVER rage at?” — and you suddenly become steely and controlled, then deliver the jugular-aimed coup de grace by replying, “They don’t have mental issues, don’t ignore my needs when I’ve sacrificed everything, and haven’t wasted years of my life.”

  • You might be a cheater if:

    You swear on your dead uncle’s grave that “nothing happened”

    You were never “passionately” in love with the person that you married and spent 6 years with

    All people are completely interchangeable to you

    You have to go talk to the OW about your jobs that you might (did) lose, but you promise not to have sex with her because you’re still married (my response? “It never stopped you before!” That made me feel like a badass, haha!)

  • Divorcinganarcissist, I think they all tell the same story of not being able to finish or they go limp with the whore! That’s just BS! My ex would hand me that crap constantly. Telling me that the sex really wasn’t that great with her, etc. Fact of the matter is Schmoopie and Ex were constantly seeing each other, couldn’t stay away from one another it seemed. And they were always in some hotel room together. I find it hard to believe that a woman who is also cheating on her husband would take the time to travel a distance to be with my aging old goat if he wasn’t capable of screwing! I can surely bet they weren’t playing cards or praying to God for salvation in those hotel rooms! What a load of horse shit! And the proof is that once he really did become very ill and actually couldn’t perform, the love affair was over!!

    • It’s amazing what these pathetic Cumbuckets put up with. The OW’s Hubby contacted me and she had spilled everything about how he was a “limp dick” and got angry really quickly, wouldn’t do what she asked and always put his wife and family first (what a load of horse shit) and she had the scraps but she could accept that because he was trapped and he had to be responsible and his family needed him, our son is a quadraplegic and even though he tried to break it off with her Wah Wah Wah Wah!!!!

      They are seriously mental. I think that it will be proven one day that there is actually a mental condition these people have that allows them to act so callously and not just a personality disorder. There are still people with PD who don’t commit Adultry.

    • Yeah, I got the couldn’t perform thing, sex not good, sexy and so on until they got into bed, then a disappointment blah, blah blah. I guess it is part of the sad sausage thing, instead of being livid, you are supposed to feel sorry for them. Mine reported being in this horrible nightmare of non-performance for 5 months. I think it was well over a year. I told him no man would put up with that when he can get good sex at home! No man goes back for humiliation and embarrassment for months. Please!

  • You might be a cheater if…

    … you see cheating as having “me” time (direct quote from the whore’s Ashley Madison profile)
    … your chump spouse finds out that you’re cheating, disapproves, and wants to divorce you for your heinous, selfish actions, and YOU are the one who gets mad and treats the chump like he/she is the one who cheated
    … you truly believe that your cheating won’t hurt your kids and that they’ll be thrilled to blend families with your cheater partner and his/her kids
    … you never bother getting any sort of therapy to figure out why you’re messed up because you don’t think you’ve hurt anyone or done anything wrong.

    • YES!!!! I made him move out a week ago, and he is treating me like I am a criminal! It is beyond comprehension to me how they can do what they do and then act like you are the guilty party. This is not normal human behavior.

  • You might be a cheater if:

    -after two marriages of being a serial cheater, to two very different types of women, you still claim “marital problems” drove you to cheat, and tell your ex-wife (me) that she should “own up to your part in the demise of the marriage.”

    • Yeah. You loved him and married him, and had the audacity to believe he was a decent human being who deserved you. He didn’t. There’s your part.

  • OMG – I know this is supposed to be all in good fun, but gosh, so many triggers! Switching from tighty whiteys to boxer briefs, check. Begging me to shave his back, yep. Taking male enhancement pills, which he kept on the workbench in the garage, that one too. Disappearing to the bathroom so often (usually when we were on a date) that I thought he was having prostate issues! Whats App on his phone, which was suddenly locked down like Fort Knox. This all preceded the ILYBINILWY speech of course. Smack me upside the head!!

    • Manscaping I get, X did that too, but what’s with the switch from tighty whities to boxers? Mind also did that and it did add to my general suspicion, but I don’t get the motivation behind it.

      • Unless a guy has a real svelte physique, tighty whities don’t generally make a good impression. Boxers are more forgiving. Although I can understand why guys would want to wear the TW because I can’t imagine it feels good when the “boys” are unleashed and they can go where ever they want. 😉

        Anyway, I think any change in grooming habits in general is a red flag, especially when it comes to changing things that only your spouse is supposed to see. Unless you’ve actually verbalized that you want to do it because it would make you feel more attractive to them. That would require adult conversations and stuff though so I doubt that would ever happen with a cowardly cheater!!

        • Don’t forget the compulsive showering.
          Your a cheater if you go from showering once a day to two times + for no reason. Other then “I feel grotty!!”
          Maybe he thought he was washing away his sins ?????????

          • Mine did the opposite around home, between slut-visits. He totally let himself go – no shaving, no showering, no brushing his teeth, never changing out of his bathrobe to go to work from his home office. Felt like I was living with a bum.
            Oh – but on the weekends when he had to go on a ‘business trip’, boy, did he get all gussied up.
            And, one day, I did notice 2 brand new packs of blue tighty whiteys (guess he didn’t get the memo about only old guys wearing those) but I always told him blue matched his eyes. Before that, I always bought his shorts.
            And, yeah – I saw his Dad once in his old tighty-whiteys and thought the X was sure looking like his dad.

  • You might be a cheater if:

    – Your wife gets a severe weather alert at 3 AM and you cannot see the ‘text’ she got – therefore accuse her of having a “Secret Contact List” on her phone

    – You have Bob/Amanda listed as a contact when “Bob” has his own contact number

    – You can’t tell your wife you love her because YOU don’t want to be HURT again because she had a fictitious affair 16 years ago that you have no proof of, but constantly use that against her

    – Your cell phone has become an appendage. It never leaves your side, or it is upside down and on vibrate

    – You are ALWAYS “Shopping” online…

    – You have become and all around asshole! You SCREAM at her when she asks you to take your daughter to the store. You SCREAM at her when YOU lose the oil plug when changing oil in her car.

    – You start calling every woman “Baby”

    – You begin flirting to the extreme. You pick up a woman to “crack her back,” then when you put her down, you two kiss – right in front of your fucking wife. When your wife tells you that she didn’t care for that behaviour your response is “Well, you’d better get used to it cuz it’s gonna happen!”

    – On Mother’s day, rather than saying “Happy Mother’s Day,” you say “Why should I wish you a happy fucking Mother’s Day? You are’t my fucking mom!”

    – At Christmas you spend $400 on a stupid ass gift for your parents, but you give your wife a jacket that you ‘won’ at work.

    – When your wife has car problems and needs to be picked up, you are too busy at the bar to go get her

    Fucking assholes!

    • Lady Strange said, ” You become an all around asshole “.

      Winner, winner, chicken dinner. The truest thing I’ve seen this morning. Not only was turd bucket a liar and cheater when he was messing with whore, he became one of the vilest humans I everhad the pleasure (not really ) to be around. I honestly remember asking myself if he’d always been like that, and if so, why I dated him, much less married him. And after he was caught cheating, he became even NASTIER. Didn’t think it was possible.