So we finally divorced in January. Now ex wants to change child support and custody. He is making less so I am fine with support change, but nothing has changed with custody so I don’t agree to this. I talked to my lawyer and he said “I still seem to have spite towards my ex.”
Seriously. I am happy, grateful to be free, moving on and my lawyer says I have spite.
I don’t believe I am spiteful. Ex still rages and rants and refuses to pay for anything. I hold him accountable to the divorce decree. I am not willing to be flexible just because he wants it. I did that in our marriage and what did that get me? I have nothing left to give this worthless man.
So, if I am spiteful. Okay. I’ll embrace it. I have never asked for more, never changed the agreement, even refused alimony because I want nothing from him. I don’t respond to ex except by email. He should be happy with his affair partner. He should be moving on, but he enjoys being the victim far too much.
My youngest turns 18 in just four years. We will battle the entire time, something we never did in our marriage.
He needs to blame someone and I am that person. Everything is my fault in his mind.
Fine. Ex doesn’t like me, I’m okay with that. He is my ex. I am no longer a pleaser. I have found my value and worth.
Old me would have worried what he thought of me, what my lawyer said, how to resolve the conflict.
Now, I can only control me. How I react and respond is on me. And if others think I have spite, well I think that I’m entitled. Savings depleted, Noel Biderman, $20,000 unknown credit card debt, affair, betrayal. Yet, I can smile and be grateful for my divorce. I want and deserve more. And, I will still hold ex accountable to the divorce decree. Nothing more.
So I will hold my head up, smile and embrace my being “spiteful”.
Thank you Chump Lady for supporting chumps who need to believe I don’t have to play “nice.” I will be fair, but you have lost “nice” the second you lost my trust and respect.
Chump Free (and spiteful)
Dear Chump Free,
Fire your lawyer. Seriously. This minute, DUMP his ass.
You don’t pay upwards of $200 a hour to be called “spiteful.” Unless you’re leaving out some major details in this letter, like you napalmed your ex’s perennial beds or set fire to his Suburu, I fail to see how saying no to a custody change — nine months after the divorce decree — is “spiteful.”
It’s one thing for a lawyer to give you advice you don’t want to hear — “Hey, I know you don’t think it’s fair, but the court is probably not going to see it that way…” It’s quite another to name call and make value judgements about one’s client.
I’m sure you paid a shitload of money for that divorce decree and now this fuckwit wants to change the terms? You’re already conceding to LESS support. You gave. That makes you spiteful HOW? As your youngest is 14 years old, isn’t she old enough to weigh in on the custody arrangement? I would think the court would concede to her wishes. Does your lawyer think you’re guilty of parental alienation or something?
We are bound to respect the terms of our divorce and custody agreements, however much they suck. Too bad your ex didn’t get that memo. He’s entitled to whatever time he gets. You’re obliged to facilitate those visits. But this needs to be a two-way street (which of course it often isn’t with fuckwits).
I will still hold ex accountable to the divorce decree. Nothing more.
Well, yes. That’s why he’s trying to change the decree — because he can’t change you.
Disordered types often try to punish their ex’s in court. They get secondary gain from it. I don’t know if that’s your situation (talk to me in four years and tell me how many times you got sued… we can go start a support group or something…) but it sure could be heading that way. Which is why you need to FIRE YOUR LAWYER AND GET A NEW ONE.
You need a lawyer who has your back, who is experienced dealing with “high-conflict” individuals (check out those Bill Eddy books in the Resources section here), and who will FIGHT for you.
Friendly conscious uncoupling is not on the table here. You’ve been defrauded, why would it be? It’s a lovely ideal and maybe it works with people who are divorcing for banal reasons like “we got bored and wandered away from each other,” but it does not work with fuckwits. People in high-conflict divorces are divorcing cons, addicts, untreated psychotics, and flaming personality disorders, among other horrors. Just because the system wants to slather “play nice” all over that shit doesn’t make it workable.
You aren’t spiteful — you’re lucid. You know what you’re dealing with. Apparently your lawyer does not. Get a new lawyer.
And keep on with that mightiness!