Is it normal behavior for a man to be accused of cheating, and he denies it, yet continues to hide his phone?
I started suspecting something a few weeks ago, but didn’t say anything until last weekend. I asked him if I could see his phone. He wouldn’t let me. His behavior was odd. So I asked him a few days later if I could see it again and he freaked out on me. I told him that he was acting like he was guilty and wanted to know what he’s hiding. He said he wasn’t hiding anything that he just was worried I was going to do something to his phone.
Oh, and he turned his location services off on it now too! He never cared about that before.
Now he’s being nicer than usual. I have been randomly just leaving for hours at a time to get out and think, just get away from him so I don’t explode… and he doesn’t get mad or call me or care. He is almost scared to say anything to me. Normally if he knows he’s right about something and I’m wrong, he is relentless at bringing it up and killing a dead horse because he needs to prove his point. But now, he is as far away from that discussion as possible and trying to be nice. But not too nice, just nice enough to figure out if I’m mad at him or how much I know.
I got our phone records online but he uses his phone for work too so its difficult to determine what is work or personal related. And he knows I can access that so he isn’t dumb enough to text someone on it. I think he’d use messenger but it’s almost impossible to retrieve deleted messenger messages.
I just want him to admit to it, but I know he won’t. I don’t know that I should even care but it’s driving me crazy. I need to know. If i’m wrong then I owe him an apology. But my gut is telling me I’m right. My older kids agree completely with me about his behavior and they are concerned about my safety, happiness. I don’t know what to do.
If I leave him now he will tell everyone that I left on an assumption and he didn’t do anything wrong. He makes me out to be a jealous freak. But I have NEVER felt like this or accused him of this before. And we’ve been together 18 years.
I’m wondering what he will do to my reputation in this small town. I don’t really care what people think of me but he is so manipulative and cares so much about his image that he will make a villain out of me. I will be stressed at every school function or sporting event.
He will use my kids to hurt me. My son just started first grade at the school across the street. How do I stay in this town when his family basically owns it? Or worse how do I take my son out of this school if I’d move? All his cousins and everyone he loves is here. These things keep repeating over and over in my head. When is the right time? Do I wait til school is out? I don’t know if I can do this that long. It’s slowly killing me.
Our biggest issues over the years have been his control over finances and isolating me from anyone I like or from my family. Recently he has banned my adult son from my home, which he knows is killing me, but he doesn’t care.
I keep wondering if he is really innocent and I’m making this all up in my head? Am I capable of that? Ugh. Now I’m sounding like a crazy lady.
You’ve got a bigger problem here than a cell phone. What you’re describing is abuse — he’s controlling over finances, he isolates you, he’s gaslighting… Whether or not you add cheating to the mix is irrelevant. You’ve got enough reason NOW to leave him.
About that gaslighting — people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. A loving partner — an innocent partner — would say “sure” and hand you the phone. Their first concern would be YOU. Your upset would matter, and they wouldn’t want to do anything to destroy the bond between you.
Yes, it would be unpleasant to be falsely accused of cheating. (Ask me how I know — a lot of cheaters accuse chumps of cheating…) But the response to that isn’t to act like a guilty party (hiding the phone, refusing to answer reasonable questions), the proper, loving response is TRANSPARENCY. What can I do to reassure you? What am I doing that’s given you reason to believe I would be unfaithful?
You’re not crazy. You didn’t come up with some wild idea that he’s cheating. You’re not a paranoid person. His ACTIONS concern you. He’s hiding his phone, refuses to let you see it, and shuts down all conversations about his shadiness. Factor in his controllingness about your friends, family, and finances? This is a non-starter. What marriage is there to save?
A “intact” home for your first-grader? What, so he can grow up and have this kind of abuse modeled to him?
What’s more important — living near his elementary school and cousins — or getting away from an abuser? I vote GET AWAY.
Your son needs one sane parent. You need to be that person. His father is a creep. You cannot be the one sane parent now because this crap is driving you crazy. In your words it is slowly killing you. Do you really think you can bring your sane parent A game living like this?
I’m wondering what he will do to my reputation in this small town. I don’t really care what people think of me but he is so manipulative and cares so much about his image that he will make a villain out of me.
Okay. Expect that. And SO WHAT? Let him say you’re a villain. Let him say you’re crazy. The truth will be that YOU left HIM. (You’d have to be crazy to leave such awesomeness! is how he’ll spin it). I bet those family members know more than you do about his character — and his cheating.
You don’t control what he does. You only control YOU. You know the truth and what he thinks is no measure of you or your worth.
I will be stressed at every school function or sporting event.
Not as stressed as you’ll be living with an abusive fuckwit every day.
He will use my kids to hurt me.
He’s already hurting you by isolating you from your family and friends. Leave the fuckwit and get CLOSER to the people who love and support you.
I understand your fear and I don’t take it lightly. If you think he’ll be violent, call a domestic abuse hotline and make a safety plan with professionals. Do NOT be mortified. Just do it.
Start lining up your ducks, be STEALTH, see a lawyer and get this started. There are professionals out there who can HELP you navigate this. They see fuckwits like your husband every day. Rely on these people. Rely on us here to cheer you on and support you. Thousands of people here have walked this path before you and made it. You will too.
My son just started first grade at the school across the street. How do I stay in this town when his family basically owns it?
Don’t stay in it. Talk to a lawyer. Move.
Or worse how do I take my son out of this school if I’d move? All his cousins and everyone he loves is here.
Children relocate ALL THE TIME. Yes it’s hard at first, but they adjust. I had to move several times in my son’s childhood. He’s a nice, well-adjusted young man at college now. Fuck every Single Mothers Can’t Do It voice in your head. And fuck every asswipe social commentator, parenting study, divorce naysayer. Single parents ROCK. Remember, it just takes One Sane Parent.
Protect yourself. Start getting the help you need to leave that creep.
Don’t worry. He’ll have his cell phone to keep him company.