Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Dear Chump Lady, My ex sent me a goodbye letter

lost-weird-without-here-farewell-ecard-someecardsDear Chump Lady,

What do I make of this goodbye letter from my cheater ex?

It has been 7 months since since we said our goodbyes following D-Day #1. She left me to be with the affair partner. But she replied to my goodbye letter. I still cannot read it without crying. The letter starts with a quote she wrote to me BEFORE we got together. She and I were a gay couple who had to go against our church and our families to be together. We had to give up so much and fight so hard just to be together. We lived together for 4 years.

The letter goes like this:

“Hey…whatever happens…u can’t forget that I love you now…ks? U can’t. Cuz even if I’m wrong later, I’m being as honest as I can now…even if it feels like ur heart is smashed into ten thousand shards later, even if you think its all my fault, or if one or the other or both of us stop loving each other later in time…u cant forget that I love you now…cuz it’s history. Its already written. We cant lose history, ever.”

(Here is where I realized she never promise me a future, it was ALL laid out since the very beginning, but I guess I was already blinded by love).

maybe you’ll hate me in the future: “how can she do this to me?” maybe you hate me now. Maybe I’ll never get over my burden: “how could I have ended us?” maybe I wont ever forgive myself. Maybe it’ll take a longer time to heal than either of us expect. Maybe it’ll take shorter at the same time. Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends.

But I can’t deny. We can’t forget…That I’ll be forever grateful to you for being the first to show me love. You’ll always be my first. I’ll always be grateful for how it felt like you saved me from my life. I’ll always remember how you showed me how to be mature. How you showed me how I can trust. For being an amazing support and girlfriend. You gave me life. A life.

I’m so sorry for everything, but I am so grateful to you for everything. Thank you for believing  me and believing in me. Thank you for accepting my sacrifice of church & family & life for me to be with you.

I’ll never forget when you first held me & I thought I’ve found something that I had been searching for my whole life.

Dont take this the wrong way, but I miss us. I miss our life. I guess things that are not will always be missed. We are at God’s mercy now. But I’m grateful. I had never been more grateful for anything he’d given me than him letting us be together these four years. I was and will continue to be so grateful.

Don’t forget I loved you. Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.

I appreciate your birthday present, but I don’t think my tattoo is something I shouln’t be paying for myself. I hope you understand.

Maybe you’ll hate me in the future. Maybe you hate me now. Thats not bad. But neither of us will forget the love we had & I will never not be grateful.

Gratefully yours,

This is the end. This was the letter she wrote to me in response to a letter I wrote when she moved out. Yes, I was still doing the pick me dance (even offered to pay for her tattoo — a tattoo she was getting with the AP).

Btw, I have been following your posts for 6 months. I thank you because you gave me strength when I thought I didn’t have any. I am so much better now since I have been no contact since she moved out, but I’m still haunted by the memories, the betrayal, the pain, the anger and the letter. Please help me make sense of this crap.


Dear Bea,

I would put that letter through the patented Universal Bullshit Translator but it would just spit out this:

Cake, cake, cake! Yummy! Jesus! Cake!

You need some distance and more no contact (keep at it, girl!) to get perspective on this. That letter reads like it was written by a drunk 7th grader.

u can’t forget that I love you now…ks? U can’t. Cuz even if I’m wrong later, I’m being as honest as I can now


Bea, people who love you don’t write in text-speak. Look, I know I’m ancient, and an editor. (Really despite my typos, I care, people!) I know I’m looking at this through a different generational lens. My own teenager responds to my loving missives “Be safe! Love you pumpkin muffin!” with “K.” A. Single. Letter.

I know he loves me (somewhere, deep down in his acne-pocked soul), but really what he’s trying to tell me in his text-speak succinctness is YOU MORTIFY ME, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, AND NEVER CALL ME PUMPKIN MUFFIN AGAIN.

Text-speak is the lowest form of communication. I can’t bother to write full sentences, that’s how much attention I’m paying to this.

What you have in that letter is badly constructed emotional vomit. The woman can’t bother to express coherent thoughts coherently because she doesn’t have any. So what you’re left with is a cipher, that you’re trying desperately to decode.

 I love you now…ks? 

Question mark?

Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends. 

But what’s important is that you’re focused on ME. Kibbles!

Don’t forget I loved you.

Past tense. Direct contradiction to “I love you now.” Which, okay, she wrote you earlier, but then she tacked it on to this letter — WHY? To make you wonder.

Bea, this is just mindfuckery. Stop trying to make sense of it. I’m sure some chump reading this will count how many times this cheater said “I” and “me” and “my.” The point is, she threw you a piss poor kibble (a letter! She wrote me a misspelled, incoherent letter!) with the intent of receiving MORE kibbles back from you. Longing, missing, friendship, burning hatred — it’s all KIBBLES.

I’ll never get over my burden: “how could I have ended us?” maybe I wont ever forgive myself. Maybe it’ll take a longer time to heal than either of us expect. Maybe it’ll take shorter at the same time. Maybe we’ll be enemies. Maybe we’ll be best friends.

How will she ever get over her “burden” of cheating on you? “Ended us”? She fucked around on you. But it sounds much more poetic and meaningful and devoid of shit-owning when you call it a “burden.” It’s the typical cheater speak of This Is Very Hard On Them. She so burdened, she got a new tattoo. She’s so burdened, she followed that sentence up with maybe it will take a shorter time to heal. Hey! I’m not that deep! Who knows?!

You are nothing in this letter except a satellite to HER, and her delusional grandiosity — her burdens, her sacrifices, her “gratitude.”

Newsflash — you don’t demonstrate gratitude to your girlfriend by cheating on her.

Bea, quit buying into this crap. That you and she are star-crossed lovers and her betrayal of you is something Bigger Than You Both, portended in the stars. She’s a run-of-the-mill cheater. Okay, she’s a lesbian Jesus cheater, but Bea, she’s still an ordinary, banal, narcissist like all the others.

Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.

Why does Jesus get stuck with this shit? Look, I sincerely doubt she has some holy union with Jesus, and she certainly doesn’t have any holy union with you. She dumped you for someone else, in the most disrespectful and humiliating manner. What’s Jesus got to do with it?

Oh, I know. When disordered people need to speak with authority (because they have no moral authenticity of their own), they invoke God. Well, God forgave me. God told me it was okay. God planned this all along. God had a plan and I’m just going along with it. God told me you’re a loser who should try harder to forgive me. God thinks you’re wrong and I’m right.

God, God, God. She’s a fraud, Bea. Godly people don’t cheat on you and then send you soppy, self-serving mindfuckery after the fact.

I’m sorry. It’s hard to realize you loved a fraud. Join the club.

My advice to you is continue no contact, block her from emailing you or calling you, save your love up for someone deserving of you — and go spend that money you were going to buy her a tattoo with, and get one for YOURSELF. Maybe one of Jesus with the inscription “Jesus loves me.” Because that wing nut ex-girlfriend of yours sure as hell does not.

Trust that she sucks, Bea.

This column ran previously.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Cheaters and narcs… I swear somewhere they all take the same cheap drama class. Anyone else roll their eyes more than once while riding that letter? Awful. Not to mention the ten minutes of my life spent trying to decipher double-negative sentences. I’ll never get that time back.

    • I thought “riding” in place of “reading” was appropriate. Reading that convoluted mindfuck was much like trying to ride a mechanical bull – up and down, back and forth, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy and ultimately gets you nowhere.

      • Nice metaphor: “…much like trying to ride a mechanical bull – up and down, back and forth, shimmy, shimmy, shimmy and ultimately gets you nowhere.”

        Except tossed on your ass, whiplashed, nauseated, and brain-addled by concussion.

    • Isn’t a law of life that when criticising someone else’s grammar you will inevitably make a mistake yourself? Blame autocorrect!
      CL your phrase “badly constructed emotional vomit” makes my day.

  • The best thing to do with a letter like this? Gather up this and any other written communication from the cheater pants and do a ritual burning. If it is an email letter, don’t burn the computer, but print it out, delete it, empty the trash on the computer and THEN do your ritual burning. It’s over. She’s beyond hope. Reading and re-reading that trash is just doing yourself damage. Have your best friend(s) come over and help you do the ritual burning. I used an outdoor fire pit. Very satisfying. If you live in an apartment and don’t have a fire pit (the best place for it), you can use a charcoal grill.

    Sometimes you just need the big gesture.

      • Yes, highly satisfying burning up stuff that meant something to you at one time. I completely torched everything in a shadow box my monster-in-law had made for us. It was our wedding invitations and of course our custom made matches. The matches on the outside said, “Martha & Cheater. A Perfect Match.” I toss the whole contents on the back lawn, sprinkled it with some lighter fluid and lit the whole thing up with the “perfect match” matches. It was a beautiful sight!

        • I am down to using my last set of personalized wedding matches. I figured I would use up the ones I had kept as mementos. When the last match is lit, my healing will have been complete, and the last vestiges of Hannibal seared out of my psyche.

          • Tempest, may I ask why you call him Hanibal? I can only think of one person who’s name is Hanibal. 🙂

            • About two years ago, CL had a column in which people started making up names for their cheaters based on personal characteristics/eccentricities

              Karma Express came up with “New-Age Norton” for her chai-drinking cheater. I lamented that I did not have a fitting moniker for my cheater, so Karma E suggested “Hannibal Lecher” (since he both preyed on younger women & students for sexual favors, and because he, like Anthony Hopkins, is British). It stuck–that is how X is programmed into my phone, and I have to stop myself calling him “Hannibal” to people we both know, so ingrained is his nickname!

              • Oh, that is a great story and so funny about you having to stop yourself from calling him Hannibal. lol. 🙂 I think I need to come up with a more fitting name for my cheater, too. His first name I gave him was Assbrain, but I think I need something even more fitting of who he is. This will be a fun challenge!

              • Tempest – I love this story… I had originally called my STBX Mr. Sparkles… but I realized I was letting him off easy… he is now TED BUNDY in my cell phone because he preys on people by gaining their sympathy and then he parasitically attaches himself until his victim dies (metaphorically).

                It helps me remember just how very dangerous he is (and we have to co-parent.)

              • Mine is Wackjob. I haven’t used it in a while since we are no contact but that is how I think of him. It takes a wackjob to believe a marriage breakdown is the fault of the person he abused in every way possible cheated on and ripped off for half of her retirement savings. What did I do–I reacted to the abuse–I’m sooo evil!! It would be laughable if it hadn’t caused so much damage to me and my kids…

              • ICanSeeTheMeh–yes, Mr. Sparkles on the outside, Ted Bundy on the inside.

                Sadlady15–Wackjob works, and sounds completely justified.

              • Ha. It’s all fun and games until my chief asked me the other day how things were going on the personal front. Without thinking I looked up at him and replied, “Oh, it’s great. Fucktard and I are finally divorced.” Yep, I called him Fucktard. Good thing the man has a sense of humor. He just looked at me and said, “Good to hear. And yes he is.”

              • I’ve decided to call him Jeffrey Dahmer. I’m originally from Milwaukee, WI and lived in Milwaukee when Jeffrey’s apartment horror show was found out. My ex is a predator of women. Jeffrey was a predator of men. I saw Hannibal and Ted Bundy’s name with Jeff’s in this article, so I took that as a sign that I shall call him Jeffrey. lol.

                From the article:
                Glib and superficial
                • Egocentric and grandiose
                • Lack of remorse or guilt
                • Lack of empathy
                • Deceitful and manipulative
                • Shallow emotions

                This is pretty much my ex.


              • We are racking up the serial killers today! Anyone want to take “Kenneth Bianchi” or “Ed Gein”? Guys–you need a female moniker–try “Aileen Wurnos.”

            • My ex’s nickname is PreyingMantis because after we first got together and it was discovered that *I* had ink, PreyingMantis, not to be outdone, went and got one too. Just for bragging rights, not for any other reason. And that particular insect was chosen because the ex’s boss had always said that the ex was just like that insect – who had gone through umpteen coworkers in a very short period of time. Basically chewed them up and spit them out for lunch on a routine basis. It’s OK to laugh at me; I was so in love I didn’t see that for the YUUUUGE red flag that it should have been. I guess my contribution today to our anti-cheater knowledgebase is that if you find out what your new love interest’s spirit animal is, and it gives you concerns, you should RUN, not walk away. Predatory, aggressive critters that eat their own mates = bad.

              • Tempest -‘I am down to using my last set of personalized wedding matches.’

                LOL – showing your age, are you?
                I haven’t heard of providing match books at weddings since…..well, I was married many moons ago.
                That would be funny to see today.

              • True, SheChump, I hadn’t thought about that!

                [but I never admit to being over 29 ; ) ]

              • and to be honest, the practice was probably outdated by the time I married (1995). We just had a number of either smokers in the family, or candle aficionados.

              • Wow, smokers in 1995?
                They banned it around here in about 1989.
                Our wedding was 1979 but nobody smoked in the little town, even then.

                (I’m sure I was the only bride out in the back woodshed sneaking smokes)

              • As I think about it, the wedding matches were entirely appropriate. I was walking into the Mad Men era without realizing it. My X fancied himself Don Draper–dashing womanizer, with a history of lying. I was to be Betty Draper–patiently turning a blind eye to his sexual escapades and providing the legitimate cover for his whoring around. Guess I should have had a Jackie O-style wedding dress, eh?

                And it turned out similar to Mad Men–Betty divorced Don after he was caught in a lie, too.

              • Lol. That’s funny. It didn’t occur to me that we were dating ourselves by saying we had matches at our receptions. I was married in 1994. We did have a few smokers in the family at the time, but I’m unsure if that’s why we (I) ordered them. I thought they were clever — “A perfect match.” What a joke now that I think about it. Who’d have ever thought I’d be using those matches to destroy mementos from our wedding and reception?

              • Martha–it does have a certain symmetry that the matches are being used both to ring in your marriage, and then to destroy the memories of it!

          • I had a burning ritual when the ex N moved out. He had called me and was yelling, screaming, etc about how everything is my fault. I walked into the closet and found a pair of cowboy boots he had left. I took it to the fire pit and the matches I grabbed were from a previous beach vacation and I set it ALL on fire! Do you know how hard it is to burn leather, but I did. Still have the burned spot in the driveway as a memento.

            Bea need to gather all that cheater speak, poor grammar, middle school letters and have her a burn party!

        • At some point my wedding pictures are going up in flames….haven’t done it yet but when the time is right, it will happen.

          • Please take photos and share with CN. 🙂 I threw the very large and heavy wedding photo album at the cheaters back as he was walking away from me. Ha! The look on his face. I gave cheater the wedding photo album. It means nothing to me anymore. He and his slut can live with the photos of a sham marriage in their house.

            • When I moved early this year I found a box in the basement with the wedding album and a few other related things. I added my wedding and engagement rings, several anniversary necklaces and all the charms from out travels and I took that shit to the dump. A lot of people have given me grief over why I didn’t sell the jewelry but I didn’t want that stuff out there in the world. I wanted it buried under a heap of household waste where it belonged. I like that it’s there for some weird symbolic reason.

              • I get it. I was tempted to do that but the jewellry was valuable( he loved to bling me up all image management). I have already sold the earrings he gave me when he was cheating and bought myself a lovely gold necklace and bracelet set to replace the one he took ( who knows–pawned it or put it on AP’s neck, I hope he chokes on it either way).

              • Yeah, I can see why you did this. I was always going to give my rings and earrings to the kids some day. But I don’t want those bad sham marriage vibes in their lives. My ex actually put my engagement and 20th anniversary wrap on his financial avadavat as his assets. My rings had no meaning to him at all except for money! I was going to sell them, but packed them up and shipped them back to the cheater where they belong. I told him to make a nice ring for his slut. She can have my leftover husband and my leftover jewelry. She’s not worth anything more than that.

        • I took stuff to an outdoor shooting range. I even gave things to other people there I had never met before for them to obliterate. Little by little I told my story as the horn sounded to go changeout targets. Plenty of high fives when things we destroyed. Yes, sometimes you need the big gesture and it helps if you have a little public empathy and applause to go with it.

    • Excellent idea! For me it was taking a sledgehammer to his stupid, homemade bar in the basement.
      Going all Angela Bassett (Bernadine in “Waiting to Exhale) on this shit is very freeing!

        • I loved that movie. It has many funny parts and many serious moving parts. Overall, a classic!

      • Wow! I was just like that after DDay #1. I dunked all his suits in the toilet and then threw them out the second floor window. I should have left them (and him) there. I stayed around for more DDays than I want to admit. I lost my spunk, my spark, and my self-respect. Never again!

        • Dunking suits in the toilet! Awesome! My friend threw her exes deer head, the kind that gets hung on the wall, into the pool. lol. That makes me laugh every time I think of it. My destroying of things antics at home led my now ex to tell his ho-workers that I was crazy. Well, yeah. A person goes a little crazy when someone fucks with their mind and their entire life!

          • One of our CN members did something very creative with her cheater’s suits (I’ll try to convince her to tell the story, which is amusing).

            • Tempest LOL Ahhhh memories 😉

              I did have an Angela Bassett moment the night of D-day in which a few matches, along with scissors were involved. But there still remained several sports coats and suits. Being that I do sew, I just happen to have a seam ripper. I took each jacket and carefully removed every other stitch along the back and shoulders. You didn’t notice anything by looking at it, and the following day he came to collect what was left of his clothes, which I admit made me smile as I watched him load them up in his car. Hopefully that magical moment happened as he wrapped his arms around his twinkie twat, or at an important business meeting.

              That seam ripper will always have a special place in my sewing kit.

              • Ooh, ooh–but you forgot to mention what you did with the scissors and matches!! (let’s just say that arms and legs of the suit jackets and pants were no longer symmetrical. There may even have been a pile of plaid sleeves and pantlegs at the bottom of the closet. And the crotches might have been a little singed.)

              • Omg his is Classic. I sew too and I wish I had thought of this. Dang it!!!! Too bad I’m at meh now as X is coming to spend the weekend with us next month to visit his former kids (have since been adopted by current hubby) and would be the perfect chance.
                P.S. I don’t recommend overnight visits from Xes in general as it can be a boundary issue. But ours is a unique case and it works for us.

            • I’m kind of wishing I’d had the wherewithal to sew my ex’s boxer shorts closed in the front! That would have sent a pretty clear message. ?

              • Hey I have all of his clothes that he left behind( the narc convinced his AP to go to the states and buy him a new wardrobe–I’m guessing he told her I destroyed it). We could have a party “fixing” up his old clothes to dump on her front porch( after the agreement is signed though, don’t want that blowing back on me!

              • How amazing. If I could sew, I would fantasize about sewing his dick to his stomach. Then he could have pissed all over himself.

      • Lol Chutes and Ladders 🙂 I was lying in bed a few weeks after he ran off not being able to sleep and thought no fuck this and went into the garage and at 2 am in the morning, anything that was his got smashed to bits with a hammer. I must have made quite a noise 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • THIS^^^^^^

      Part of No Contact is not re-reading old birthday cards, anniversary cards, notes filled with lies and empty promises. I threw it all out because within everything single thing was MANIPULATION.

      Starting humming “Let it go… let it go…” and LET. IT. GO.

      • I sent them to the AP with a note simply stating “I’m guessing these were meant for you.”

        • AllOutofKibble-
          That was badass. I love it! The AP can perhaps pass them on to AP#3.

  • Yep, sounds like my ex’s drivel. He fancies himself a great lover leaving hordes of women longing for his touch, barf! Same here nothing new.

  • I couldn’t even read thru the do called “letter” after the first paragraph. But hey, I didn’t even need to, because I already knew what it was. CAKE!!! Just stream of consciousness ramblings, throwing shit out there to keep you on the hook, or string, or whatever you want to call it. What does it mean? Absofuckinglutely nothing.

  • “Cake” is the piece of the puzzle that finally made it all make sense for me. Please read the Unified Theory of Cake posting immediately.

  • She was either drunk when she wrote that or she’s really thick. I’m betting on thick.
    It’s one of those times something may sound reasonable when you think it in your head but when it comes out, it sounds like BS. She’s an idiot and you’re lucky enough to be out of a relationship with her.

  • Wow, I’m so sorry her gratitude letter was so dismissive of you. She obviously did not recognize your worth.

    I’m glad you’ve been reading here and have NC with her. Do not let this crappy letter haunt you. She’s not worth it.

    Cheaters are shallow and selfish. I think of them as severely disabled. Trust that they suck.

    I found a love letter written from OW, and my 14 year old writes deeper more meaningful prose than that insipid crap. Little hand-drawn emojis I kid you not. How could he forsake his devoted family for that?

    My STBX writes that kind of crap to his kids now. No real intimacy, and it hurts my kids deeply. He sucks!

    • I’m with you. The OW in my case seems so immature and vapid, it’s just unbelievable that he walked away from a loving wife and adorable kids. More pertinent to me now, do I want to be with someone who could do this? NO! To quote the great Jim Croce, “If that’s the way that you want it, well that’s the way I want it more.”

    • This! Mine left me and our 1 and 2 year old babies for a stripper on the opposite coast, and moved there for her. She is one of those people who writes LOL at the end of EVERY sentence. I bought a new sweater! LOL. I have gout! LOL My grandfather is dying of brain cancer. LOL. She, too, had the grammar and language skills of a teenager. Really, Honey? This is who you left our family for? I’d ask what the appeal is for these guys, but emotional and mental superiority to their AP must just be the whipped cream frosting on the cheater cake.

      • Hey HATHW,

        We have that whole stripper thing in common only mine is living with his in the log home we designed and built as our future retirement home. She’s not the stripper who broke up our marriage, however, she’s just the latest in a long line his of stripper fuck buddies.

      • Mine had a bimbo that liked to draw smiley faces after everything.

        Love you 🙂
        I miss you 🙂
        Love your bod 🙂

        I always imagined sending her husband all the naked pictures and text messages I discovered in cheater’s email.

        Dear Mr. Bunny Boiler 🙂
        I think your wife has your email and my husband’s email mixed up 🙂
        Oopsies. 🙂 Some of these pictures are kind of racy. You should tell your wife to be more careful 🙂 These could end up in the wrong hands. Anyway, I’m sure she’ll be relieved to know that these are now in the proper hands and weren’t accidentally posted on or some other such website where they could be better appreciated. 🙂 Actually, I get the feeling from the content of her text messages that she probably does have some accounts set up like that somewhere. You might want to check that out. Ok, well good luck! 🙂


        • LOL! 🙂 If it was me, I would have sent this letter and the pictures to the husband. These people need to face the consequences for the lives they lead. 🙂

  • “Oh, I know. When disordered people need to speak with authority (because they have no moral authenticity of their own), they invoke God. Well, God forgave me. God told me it was okay. God planned this all along. God had a plan and I’m just going along with it. God told me you’re a loser who should try harder to forgive me. God thinks you’re wrong and I’m right.

    God, God, God. She’s a fraud, Bea. Godly people don’t cheat on you and then send you soppy, self-serving mindfuckery after the fact.”

    Oh yes, the Jesus Cheaters. What a special breed they are. My Jesus Cheater actually went up to the altar many times during the time we were supposed to be working on our marriage (I was. He wasn’t. Little did I know.) JC went up to the altar and I went with him a few times to get special prayer from the pastor and staff. Little did I know that JC was praying to God to divorce me. Seeing if God was okay with it. JC has “peace with God” over his decision to divorce me. Mind you. I didn’t do anything wrong. He was the one who cheated. But God is okay with it because I was such an awful wife who didn’t “respect” JC, because I didn’t “trust him 100%” and JC “wants to be with someone who trusts him 100%” and I can “never give him what he what he wants. 100% trust.” I put quotations around all those words, because they were all written to me in the Divorce Letter. These Jesus Cheaters, trying to justify their actions by bringing God into the equation. Just like CL said, “what does Jesus have to do with it?” I guarantee Jesus wasn’t too happy when my ex was out with his slut having drinks and “talking” in the car after they got kicked out of the bar at midnight. I’m sure Jesus wasn’t too happy all the times my ex was flirting with the ho-workers. I’m sure Jesus wasn’t too happy when my ex was getting 100% naked laps dances in Canada. But the Jesus Cheaters forget about that stuff and then blame the wife for all the bad stuff they did, because the wife didn’t trust the cheater 100%. Go to hell, cheater, where you belong.

    • Being a Jesus Cheater is a risky thing to do.

      Mine decided that because I had converted to Catholicism for him and raised our kids so well in the Faith that he had “given the Church a gift that he could set on the alter” and move on to try to convert Susan (who is Buddhist or Hindu). He thought that because he went to Church and cried that God must be leading him to go with Susan.

      But the knife twister was “Susan is God’s blessing to me” WHAT? what about this homegirl who pushed your 9 pound 10 oz progeny out of her loins with no epidural ?

      In all seriousness though…the Bible says in Galatians 6:7 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap”. I went to daily Mass to pray for my husbands soul for 7 years (7 is the number of completion) and he didnt “get sick” ….no he dropped dead. The Medical Examiner said his heart stopped “in systole” which meant while the lower ventricles were contracting.

      Knowing what I now know about cheaters, Im a little surprised that more of them don’t get struck by lightening (or something). I dont pretend to have superior gnosis about this but I don’t think Jesus is keen on this.

      • Please know that I never prayed for him to die. I prayed for his soul to be saved. As much as I think it would be fitting for these folks to drop over as a form of Divine Retribution, I am certain the timing of his death had everything to do with where his soul was at that moment, allowing him the chance at salvation before he slid back into darkness.

        • Unicornnomore, You are a much better person than me — for you to pray for his soul to be saved. I have tried praying for him, but right now I’m working on forgiving him and that will be a big process in itself.

          • I once prayed that he would get hit by a bus. Immediately followed by a “Dear God please forgive me” moment.

            I could help but laugh when just moments later I turned the corner while driving and watched a bus speed by.

            • The day his former OW got married to her long time fiance, I got on my knees and begged God to allow her to concieve triplets…and not weak sickly preemies, no…strong loud healthy ones who dont sleep at the same time. It didnt happen, but I tried.

        • Unicornnomore-you are a better person than me as well, to pray for his soul instead of for God to avenge you (which I think even King David did in the Psalms).

      • UNM–I think God gave his judgment about your X and his affair justifications when he smite him due to an infection he caught from an OW. ‘Nuf said.

        • Im not positive that Susan gave him strep throat but he did contract it while he was in SF (with her). I rather hope she gave it to him though. (for casual didnt kill him right away, it caused vegetations on his heart valves that manifested later in septic emboli).

      • When mine and the main owhore were convinced they were meant to be, they would say it was “written in scripture”. He told a different one it was his faith that got him through. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure theologians would agree that God doesn’t want you to be happy by breaking His commandments. It’s not the Ten Suggestions.

        • Yeah, pretty amazing how they so easily break one of the ten commandments, but think God is cool with it. And they are not even repentant! It was my fault that he cheated, so I guess I’m the one that needs to repent for my exes sin/adultery? lol. 🙂

          • Mine always talked about the seven deadly sins. Strange how he overlooked lust and greed.

    • I’m a victim of a Jesus cheater too. Mine was actually helping teach my daughters sunday school class while she was cheating with an ex youth minister and church founder. There is no understanding that kind of warped mind. I am sorry you had to go through this mind fuck too. Mine did it because i wasn’t a “Godly household leader” and didn’t go to church with her. Now she lives with a guy that smokes and does drugs all the time but wants to be a missionary. Ya’ll know I can’t make this stuff up. I think we need to form a group “Jesus cheater’s survival group”. Spread the truth about these screwed up people.

      • It is amazing the way Jesus cheaters try to make Jesus do all their dirty work for them. Any horrible, despicable thing they do is somehow okay because Jesus has forgiven them. There is actually a bumper sticker that says, “I’m not perfect, just forgiven.” It was literally OW’s battle cry. I think Jesus just wants us to be good people from the outset. If you don’t sin, you don’t need to be forgiven. Isn’t it really that simple?

        • My Jesus Cheater never changed his own behavior one bit — but constantly told ME all the things I should be doing as a good Christian wife:

          – overlook his cheating
          – forgive his ongoing abuse
          – God hates divorce
          – submit to his demands for Weird Smorgasbord of Pussy

          Which can be summed up by this: “I want cake!!! Feed me cake!!!” (insert image of insolent 4 year old stomping foot and scowling)

          I think he honestly thought I would never leave. Surprise, MotherFucker!!!

          btw, I’m *still* a Christian, despite all the JC baggage and my newly discovered potty mouth.

          In fact, one of the most wonderful parts about CL and CN for me is that I can be totally and BRUTALLY honest, cursing like a sailor if necessary. It’s the kind of stuff that many of my friends wouldn’t understand but it’s very cathartic for me. 🙂

          • +1. I think we were married to the same person….

            Ex actually told me “I don’t need you to forgive me, Jesus has already forgiven me”. Well it’s been 5 years and he is till slinking around with the OW….Forgiven you of what you’re still doing? Good luck with that!!!

          • I hear you, MGM. Newly found potty mouth here too. I’m working on reforming, but it is cathartic. Nothing quite sums up the damage done by a JC like the F-word.

          • MehGloriousMeh, I’m *still* a Christian, too. This after the pastor that did marriage counseling seemed to be taking the cheaters side a lot. This after the same pastor lied to me three times. Of course he will continue to say “I never said that” which is more lying on his part. My ex and his mommy play the “I never said that” game, too. Come to find out that’s a form of gaslighting. Anyway….I love CL and CN too, because I can swear and I’m not judged for words. It is very cathartic and I was not a swearer before D-Day. My ex actually said to me when we were still living in the same house, “Watch your language.” To which I said, “You no longer fucking control me! I can say any fucking thing I want, Assbrain!”

            • Honestly, I never put much weight into any religious leader of any religion. I listened to a Podcast once which was titled “Enlightenment, it ain’t all that it’s cracked up to be.”. Where the host explained that the highest religious leaders were the ones committing the biggest unethical acts, whether it was polygamy, incest, molestation, fraud, etc. And here you had thousands of people looking up to these individuals like they were God, believing in them with unwavering faith that these leaders could do no wrong.

              It was so eye opening for me. And just because someone is a religious leader of any religion, does not mean their word is gold. I don’t care what they say, as I have my own intuition to guide me. These leaders are the people I question the most!

          • I had physical evidence of cheating, including a lipstick stain on a shirt cuff and a car seat stained by sex. XH denied cheating, giving a myriad of different excuses for the damaged car seat, including but not limited to, normal wear and tear, the sun did it, gloves laying across the seat did it, oil change technicians did it, the manufacturer used defective material in the damaged area, his mother did it and salt used to treat the roads got into the car and did it. As far as the shirt stain, which was a light purplish-pink, it was caused by the dye running from the buttons, which were tan. When I told him that I didn’t buy the car seat excuses, he looked up to the sky and said, “God, could you please tell her that I didn’t cheat?” I said, “If you were really a religious person, you would tell the truth about what you have done and repent for it.” He also put his hand on The Bible and swore that he didn’t cheat. I was horrified, because the evidence I saw just could not be explained any other way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for decades but this time if was really obvious to even a long-time chump like me.

        • I like the one that says, “Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you’re and asshole”.

        • I saw a bumper sticker that ought to be plastered all over Jesus cheaters’ cars, domiciles, office chairs ….

          Christ is coming. And is He PISSED!

      • My Jesus cheater, blamed me first for his adultery, I rejected it: blame not accepted. He moved on and pinned it on the devil saying “the devil is the one who likes it, meaning adultery (. (the devil must be pissed at him for that, probably going to poke him extra with the hot fork if he ends down there), and I was like: you were the one fucking, having all the fun and orgasms and the devil who likes it? He did not fuck the whores or had all the orgasms, you did it sir. As a Christian person never in my life I imagined myself defending the devil and playing devil’s advocate. Had to. I’ll not let him pin it on anyone, not even the prostitute who came to our door. Had to defend her too.She was to blame according to him because she would not stop calling him,no, he is not to blame, even though he is a married man picking up a street walker, paying her for sex, giving his personal number, driving her by his family home and pointing out the house, poor him had no choice but fuck her some more, she would not stop calling and leave him alone.She was extracting money from him at an alarming rate, maybe blackmailing him, he is all about his God fearing- family man image, since he had to give her money he would not give it for free, he would get his money’s worth in sex. His logic. Not that he liked or wanted it. Blame shifting to his best: myself, the devil, the prostitute, so far God is not to be blamed. Yet. Maybe because I anticipated the subject by asking him if God is at fault for giving him all that testosterone. He even tried to drag all men to the mud saying that all men go through the hardship of being faithful with the devil tempting them with so much pussy, but he could not explain to me faithful atheists ,since they do not believe there is devil nor God , he did try though: “well , the devil does not need to tempt them, they already belong to him, the evil one only goes after the ones who belong to God”, well, had to defend the good atheists too: they do not do it because they have morals and their families are of great value to them. I had to kindly explain to him that adultery is just the symptom, the illness is a corrupt character, caused by cold hearts in entitled assholes.Case closed.

    • My JC and his Mentor, our Pastor, reasoned his cheating and deceit away as perfectly ok because “God wants you to be happy.” Maybe they misunderstood what God was trying to tell them. Maybe God was actually saying “I want you to have herpes.”

      • Perfect! lol. 🙂 Pretty sad when the pastor gives the okay on cheating. Our pastor didn’t okay the cheating, but he sure kissed up to my charming now ex-husband in counseling. He let him stay in a leadership position for eight months after D-Day. He lied to me three times. When I figured out my ex and his slut got kicked out of the bar at midnight, because the place was closing. Cheater said he and the slut just stood out in the parking lot that night for an hour and a half. Well…..I just happened to be out that night getting my hair cut. It was a cool and rainy night. Cheater and the slut were either in one of their cars or somewhere else. There’s no way they were standing out in the rain. The pastor spent about 20 minutes on his iPad trying to prove me weather report wrong. He soooooooo wanted to believe the liar and cheater. Eventually he gave up trying to figure out the weather and the proceeded into this story about how he’s with friends at a restaurant, but sometimes they hang outside afterwards, but he doesn’t tell his wife those details as in his mind he’s still at the restaurant. Once again taking the cheaters side, trying to make it look like cheater wasn’t really lying since he failed to tell me that they got kicked out of the bar at midnight. And by the way — cheaters face which is really ruddy colored, turned GHOST WHITE when I told him I called the bar and they said they closed at midnight. So, cheater knew he was lying by withholding those details. Pastor lied to me three times and I just can’t be spiritually taught by someone who lies to me.

        • Martha-that sucks. You probably have friends in your church family, and so leaving is probably tough. (I’ve noticed that in a lot of churches, when one leaves the church they basically leave their friends, also). Whatever, you decided to do , I hope you find the support that you need instead of having your very real concerns minimized or dismissed.

          Personally, regardless of when the bar closed and whether it was raining or not, if my church leadership thought it was A-OK for married men to hang out a bar with other women while the wife stays at home with the kids, I’d cite the verse below, wish Pastor good luck defending that one before God, and move on.

          1 Thessalonians 5:22King James Version (KJV)

          22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.

          • My Ex actually told Schmoopie in an email that “God is guiding us and we will be together.” Schmoopie’s Mother is supposedly an ordained minister and holds Bible study in her home. I asked Ex what denomination was she ordained and he didn’t know. He told me she is “too shy” to perform in an actual pulpit! I asked him if her church involved a tent and a tamborine (sarcasm). He got pissed! So after he moves in with Schmoopie he was required to attend said “bible study” with Schmoopie and about four old ladies. He hated it and soon refused to go. Turns out they had a tamborine AND a bongo drum that they used to PRAISE THE LORD!
            Also during one of our reconciliations I found out that he and Schmoopie were texting. I stole his phone and let the old slut have a piece of my mind. She answers back telling me how Godly she is and God has forgiven them for their adulterous actions! Really? I asked her if after they got done having sex, did they jump out of the bed and get on their prayer bones to ask forgiveness each time?
            These cheaters are so fucked up in the head!

            • Wow, Roberta. You are right. That is totally messed up! God would never lead you to commit adultery. God would never lead you into an adulterous relationship. They are truly deceived. You can’t just say “God, I’m sorry” and all is forgiven. There has to be true repentance and TURNING AWAY from your sin!

              • Exactly Martha! Apparently Mommy the Pastor knew about her daughter’s extra curricular activities and that my husband was married, but she “overlooked” that in the spirit of Christian acceptance! I did offer to teach Schmoopie and Pastor Mommy how to actually OPEN a Bible! I’m not certain they actually would understand all those words though! Ha! Ha! By then I was pretty sure that Mommy had A) just “ordained herself into her “Church of Mommys Ljving Room OR B) there is an ad or matchbook cover that you can send in, along with, Five bucks, and someone will send you some shady credentials in the mail! Their understanding of repentance and forgiveness was completely different from my Catholic understanding of repentance and forgiveness for sure! I was under the mistaken assumption that any human with a brain who ever attended church for even a short period of time was aware of this concept of sin/repentance/forgiveness and of course that pesky footnote, Sin no more! Dumb old me!!!

          • Freescientist71, I only go to the church on the weekends my kids are with me. Both of my kids are teenagers and they both are very involved with youth stuff. Plus they have friends there, too. I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize any of that for them. On the weekends they are with their dad, I got to a different , watch church online or sometimes just don’t go at all. I was traumatized from what happened to me and even going to church was hard some weekends, so I didn’t feel bad that I didn’t go. I isolated myself for the longest time and just wanted to stay home and be by myself. Anyway….yeah, I like the verse you cited. Abstain from EVEN THE APPEARANCE of evil. That’s perfect! Our pastor didn’t agree with his words that my thought my ex did the right thing. But the pastors ACTIONS towards my husband showed to me that he was supporting him. It’s tough to explain. Our pastor is a “nice, loving guy” and to see him showing all this love and charm and joking with my loser ex was too much at times. My ex is such a con artist. He even conned the pastor, going along with the “working on our marriage thing”, but the whole time my ex was lying to me and lying to the pastor. He was working on divorce behind our backs. But even after finding that out, the pastor was and probably still is all loving and friendly towards my ex. The pastor big thing is “I don’t judge. I just love.” It’s just plain wrong.

  • Bea, CL is right: that letter is gibberish. It’s an emotional Ouji board: if you find any meaning there it’s meaning you imposed without thinking. Real love is not ambiguous. You deserve better, and you will find better. (((Bea)))

  • My seventh grade boys write better than this. What IS the point? Oh, yeah……it’s the All About Me show with a Jesus Cheater.

    Bea, God HAS answered your prayers, this loser no longer takes up space in your life. You will rejoice, you will heal and you WILL find a deserving partner who loves you.

  • Bea,

    CL is spot on… Your letter brought me back to the summer of 2014, when I stumbled upon an email address I had not known, and there they were… 500+ between my then-husband and an AP that was half his age, naked pictures and drivel about tru wuv…

    When chump that I am I confronted my now-X, he exact words were “I’m sorry you learned about it this way.” For the next few days, he proceeded to want to help me “with my trust issues” so I could move past this because he “loved and respected” me.

    From the bottom of that pit of endless pain I was trying to push through, my dignity and self worth started roaring loud, louder than they had for all those years that his needs and those of our kiddo came before mine. I realized then that I had re-arranged my whole life to be a great team player, to make it work for our family…

    But DDay showed me that he was never on my team.

    That day I understood that we did not have the same values, that his definition of love and respect where very different:
    To me, love means finding ways to make it work as a team. To him, “love” means “using others to make me feel/look good”.
    To me, respect means listening to our loved ones and helping them find their way to a fulfilling life. To him “respect” means “help others understand they need to do as I say (but not as I do)”.

    They use the same words we use, but they have very different definitions for these words. Which is why NC and watching their actions instead of listening to what they say is so critical to a chump’s recovery…

    Betrayal hurts like hell Bea, there is no way around it, I hope you’ll stick around and use the forums to get you through the roughest parts… We’ve been there, and this amazing community will help you through.

    • “They use the same words we use, but they have very different definitions for these words. Which is why NC and watching their actions instead of listening to what they say is so critical to a chump’s recovery…”

      That is perfection in a paragraph.

      • “They use the same words we use, but they have very different definitions for these words. Which is why NC and watching their actions instead of listening to what they say is so critical to a chump’s recovery…”
        So true, these people all speak the same language. The words are the same words we chumps/normal people use, so we think we understand what is going on. But they have different definitions, and they change the definitions all the time to suit themselves. This is why it is so confusing unless you turn the volume off and just watch. You’ve nailed it.

    • Yes Chumptitude, yes.

      H1.0 once said to me (in a disparaging tone) “Its like you think its ‘you and me against the world’ ” and I responded “Yes, that is exactly what I think marriage is supposed to be” we had both used the word “marriage” but we had different definitions of what that meant.

      He once told me, no joke that “The best part of marriage is having someone to blame things on”

      and there you have it

        • Hanging my head in Chump shame…he said this in the first month of marriage..and I DIDNT GET what a deep vat of shit I had landed myslef in…I thought he was joking. Oddly enough, in his own twisted way, he did give me warnings, but I didnt heed them

      • I think we married twins who were separated at birth in their way of thinking and speaking UNM… Excuse me while I google “positive correlation character flaws and septic emboli?”

    • Thank you Chumptitude,

      As always, so spot on.

      You point out the benefit of no-contact that I couldn’t see when I started this process. No-contact isn’t a way to manipulate the cheater. No-contact isn’t a way to get the cheater to see how much they hurt you. No-contact isn’t a way to get the cheater back. No-contact is possibly the first decision in a long time that a chump can make to take back our initiative and engage in self care above all.

      • Ian – I believe that yes, NC is the first and most valuable step towards self-preservation and healing a chump can take.

        As CL brilliantly put it in an earlier post, being in touch with a proven cheater is like putting one head in a blender –

        I pulled my head out of that blender, unplugged it, and dumped the whole mess in the trash… It turns out I don’t miss that sucker at all :)!

    • Nicely said, Chumptitude. I 100% agree with what you said. And what’s it with the cheaters telling us we have “trust issues.” Of course we have trust issues. Any sane person would not trust someone who lies all the time and cheats! I dated someone for four years before Cheater. I never once had trust issues with my ex-boyfriend. Not once! So who caused me to have trust issues? My lying, cheating now ex-husband!

      • Same here Martha, this reminds me of CL’s excellent interview of Dr. Simon –

        The most memorable quote to me was: “They already see but they just disagree.”

        In cheater speak, DDay might feel like: I made a mistake chump, you found out who I really was, a cheating lying coward… Fine, get over it and we’ll be happy again (aka, please give me cake and kibbles again, you were so good at it)…

        Unfortunately, for chumps who have seen the mask slip, there are no painless solutions, only NC, and a long journey to recover their self-worth and preserve both their sanity and dignity.

        • That’s an excellent post you shared, Chumptitude. You are so right. Once the masks fall and you finally believe what’s behind the mask instead of believing the fake persona — there’s no turning back. Ex knew that too. After years and years of getting away with wrong behavior behind my back, I FINALLY caught him out with another women. As a good friend said to me over almost two years ago, “He needs to find another Martha. Someone who believes he’s a nice guy and not a liar and cheater.” She’s right. And he will find her. Maybe he’s already found her. I just don’t care anymore. Not my circus. Not my monkeys anymore.

  • Why is that cheaters always seem to like leaving us with a “We’ll Always Have Paris” moment?

    Oh right. Because when they get the urge to cheat on Schmoopie, it won’t really be their fault if it’s with us because Shared History! And then Schmoopie gets to be their rescuer from evil, evil Nostalgia.

    Good thing I wouldn’t touch my ex with an eighty foot pole.

  • I loved that bit of wisdom…. we are nothing but a satellite to their (self perceived) awesomeness. That’s exactly right.

    Other people aren’t real, thinking, hurting beings to them any more than a refrigerator or a washing machine. They really believe that the world is there to serve them. In fact, I’m willing to think that the reason they value everything more than us, (other than to deliberately hurt us, which is another form of control), is that they value the element of control most of all. See how powerful I am?……….. Bow down before the master! ….. I am supreme in everything!

    Ick, ick and ick!

    Everyone and everything is a satellite to them. I know darn well if he had shown me his real self I would have run like my hair was on fire.

  • Her letter is insulting. She minimizes your pain and attempts to keep you on the hook for her own gain, saying things like how everything that was true when you were together will always be true (as though the past is happening presently) and how maybe you’ll hate her or maybe you’ll be best friends (as though extremes are the only options, narcissist much?)

    Here’s my prediction. You’ll grieve. It will hurt. The past will get further away. The times of intense grief will shorten, and the times of relief will lengthen, until you eventually mostly consider her a part of some old life that hardly feels like it’s yours and thinking of her rarely provokes emotion anymore (meh).

    It might feel impossible now, but there are many of us who can tell you it really does happen.

    Thanking you for loving her so much that she could use it to emotionally abuse you is disgusting. This letter is like telling someone you need him/her to stand still so you can lean on him/her to fix your shoe, then sucker punching him/her, then thanking him/her for holding still so you could punch him/her in the face, then saying Jesus wanted you to do the punching because he wants you to be just how you are, mean and abusive, because Jesus loves us how we are.

    Your tears are for the grief of the illusion that has been dispelled. They are reasonable. Cry them all. But, please, don’t let this person back near you to hurt you again.

  • I know when you love someone as much as you probably loved her- you’re looking for any speck of genuine love, remorse. You are applying your sweet empathy to this letter and seeing sincerity. I would want to as well. That is why having us tell you what we see helps you. We have read texts and letters like this in various forms from our exes. Mine sent me texts of going to therapy finally and little how are you texts. Wtf? You cheated, imploded our lives, left me to face cancer alone, then text me about how therapy is going good because your being honest now with the therapist. These people don’t know ‘genuine’ or ‘honest’.

    Bea, she wrote you to hear herself. It’s amazing when 2 people love you, right? She needs to feel she has you and the new person. She really is special. Just ask her.

    Write that shit list. Keep in your wallet. Every time you have a moment of longing – pull it out.

    One of my favorite moments of why the fuck did I stay with this bpd npd on my shit list to read list is a time we were in Miami for event. It was a big deal for him. We had been at filming all day in 90+ degree weather. But had an evening thing to be at too. He asked me to do full body tanning on him for the cameras. 2nd time in 24 hours. I ask for 15 minutes to rest before I did it. He went into a full blown tantrum, screaming at me. I defended myself – he ran out screaming. Called me crying saying he felt like killing himself. Literally said he wanted to commit sucide and it was my fault. He was gone for hours. He came back eventually but he was blaming me for ruining his trip. When he did not win the top award that weekend- It was my fault he didn’t. Wtf? Things like that out on my list. He mind fucked me. I read that on my list with a ton of other things and I know whatever he thinks ‘love’ is/ is sure isn’t my view of it.

    Make a list of times she was lying to you. Like why. She snuck around using the church to fuck another person, on you. But hey that’s love to her…. You don’t want that love.

    • In the last email from the ex that I bothered reading she said that she might start therapy based on a suggestion from one of her teachers. What the fuck?! (I don’t think the acronym captures my surprise? disgust? shock at the lack of introspection?).

      I’d been in therapy for years and was at long last making progress. I’m sure therapy could have helped her cope with my depression as well as working on her own lifelong ghosts. So she waits to blow up our family before considering it? And thinks telling me about is a good idea?

      • WhichWayDidSheGo,I might be wrong, but I’m worried for you. She went because a teacher suggested it. Sounds like momentary humility and/or impression management. Either way, therapy is anything but momentary, and not all about impressions.

        She told you she was going. If she’s truly making progress, see below, she’d NEVER do that to you. She’s going right after your jugular … depression is SO hard to deal with, YOU have experience with it (good for you!), and now she’s going to invade one of the many things you’ve gotten right. That she didn’t.

        And she told you that it’s going well. How the FUCK would she know? Because she’s shown so much character in the past that she can actually detect development? Because she’s shown so much humble introspection that truly therapeutic progress requires? True progress would mean that she’d figure out she had absolutely no business being selfish for one more second, and that even to appear “tantalize” you is just wrong.

        Are you kidding me?

        My H, wanting R, does IC. He’s bamboozled that therapist but good. That male therapist actually helped him write a demand letter not long after D-day — because while doing reparation work, H needed to be sure he would not repeat the past where he didn’t express his needs. Yep, a wounded warrior.

        I have to shut up for now, and I’m imploding. I want to shout, “No, you had NO problem expressing your needs. You had a problem with my not meeting them all the time and always completely on your terms! Simultaneously, you pathologized me on every level, my needs included. For something such as, ‘I need you to stop getting to the point of rage where you shut me down. No one, ever, has been able to do that.'” Answer: “I don’t mean those things I say. I’m sorry. It was a mistake. I’ll do better.” Rinse and repeat.

        Now he tells me he’s back to being a Good Person. That he’s satisfied with his progress, will continue IC (I think he must be getting kibbles from male therapist but I can’t understand HOW) and we need to move forward.

        The other day, upon hearing such a comment, I replied very evenly and quietly, “Therapy takes years, not a few months.” Silence. Don’t know what to make of that.

        What I wanted to add was, “You wanna know if you’re better? Decent? What kind of person you are? Ask ME. While you’re at it, sove your notoriously unreliable self-reporting newsflashes up your ass.”

        WhichWayDidSheGo, don’t, please don’t, believe ANY of it. As I said, I think she’s going straight for your jugular. You deserve so much better.

        • Claire, as always I appreciate your response. That email was from when she left me two years ago. I don’t know if she ever went or not. She made it clear when she left me, however, that she was 100% over me romantically, but could see us being great friends like Jerry and Elaine on Seinfeld. And that I was now in her friend zone. This was someone I lived with for 5 years, with whom I parented her son, with whom I adopted pets.

          But it leads to another struggle of mine – the idea of going to therapy for someone you love. Not to cure them, but to offer better support and to keep healthy boundaries to not lose oneself. Part of me thinks if she had loved me she would have tried harder, while part of me thinks I’m too broken to expect anyone to want me. Hell, that was a strong theme in the relationship: I thought I was lucky to have her in my life. She agreed.

          Someone on here once said something illuminating on the nature of personal change and our fears: we fear our exes are going to become someone different on a whim, whereas chumps tend to do therapy and fight for years to make sometimes painfully slow progress.

          I really need to find a therapist who is worth a damn. I really thread jacked here.

          • “But it leads to another struggle of mine – the idea of going to therapy for someone you love.”

            Not many people would go to therapy for themselves, so imagine how even less they would go for someone else. Therapy isn’t a pleasant topic, so many people avoid it, and they certainly don’t want to look into their personal issues. It would have been nice if she went for support, but she doesn’t seem like a deep person or someone who did much self-introspection. And I wonder if she would ever be capable of it.

            • Kellia, that’s a good point. I’ve been in therapy for years and have surrounded myself with people to whom therapy is as natural as breathing. I sometimes forget that not everyone sees it as having value. I used to joke that to my ex therapy was something that happens to other people.

    • “Bea, she wrote you to hear herself. It’s amazing when 2 people love you, right? She needs to feel she has you and the new person. She really is special. Just ask her.”


      • If I had DD to do over again having the benefit of CL and CN, it would be so different. I would have listened to my cheater tell me he had betrayed me and “fell in love” with Schmoopie after three days of screwing in a hotel! I would have then turned away, packed my belongings and left to find the closest (and best) attorney I could afford!
        I know I wasted so much time trying to fix a pod person who really felt he was not doing anything wrong! I failed to realize that I had a choice and I should have asked myself what *I* wanted rather than put this asshole on a pedestal thinking he needed or even wanted to be fixed! I could have walked away and I should have! But, per the usual, I put some uncaring, cheating, deceitful, liar ahead of my own needs!
        Point is, our poster to CL should put her emotion to the side and ask herself if being tortured by her former partner is how she really wants to live? I would hazard a guess that she wants the heartache to disappear. So, take her “letter” and throw it in the trash or use it for toilet paper if you run out! Refuse to read any and all messages from here on out and go NC. It will do you a world of good and let your cheater deal with being ignored and discarded! Narcs and cheaters HATE that!

  • Let’s just call the letter what it really is – a crazy making effort to keep you hooked should she want to pull you back in to her life at any point down the road so she can use you again.

    DELETE IT (and her) – from your computer, your brain, and most of all, from your heart.

    • Yes, the letter wants to pull the person back, all the while the Cheater says they don’t want you. It’s so rejecting on every level.

  • Jesus cheater… Mine was a 4th degree Knight of Columbus. I was a “lady” of the order.

    At BD, he looked me straight in the face, and said he was going to get a Catholic annulment of our 30 year marriage. Incredulous, I stammered “You think I’m going to go up and lie to a tribunal???”
    That includes a Catholic Priest.
    DO I LOOK LIKE I want to get hit by lightning in the parking lot of the church?

    “Why not?”, was his reply, “You would benefit, too!”
    … I now call this “the famous stunt to fool Jesus.”

    My family says Jesus Christ himself, with a Louisville Slugger couldn’t beat the truth out of XH.
    I’m afraid they are 100% correct.

    • Love the Jesus cheaters. CheaterX is an X-Files Christian. The truth is out there, he wants to believe, but he’d like the content delivered to him via television so he can eat his breakfast and commune with God. Schmoopie is more traditionally a Jesus cheater. She likes to post gooey stuff on her Facebook page to show how religious she is. I guess she felt entitled to break all the laws against fornication. 😉

      • Kb, I love, love, love X-Files Christian! That was great! Isn’t it amazing how these Jesus Cheaters keep pretending to be these holy people, but they do the most horrendous acts when then church isn’t watching? I saw my ex with his mommy at church last weekend. Ex is all *holding up the hands* and praising the Lord during songs. Now mind you. I sat next to this man at church for way over ten years and NOT ONCE did he ever hold up his hands in praise to God during worship songs. NOT ONCE! And now he’s doing it. Hmmmm. Image control? See, everyone. I may be a cheater who divorced his wife because she has “trust issues” and “doesn’t trust me 100%” even though I’m a pathological liar and a known cheater. But look at me! I have my hands in the air praising the Lord!!! And now when I pray at church, I get down real low to the ground and put my head in my hands — so deep in prayer I am. Look at how spiritual I am. Never mind I’m a different person at work and at home. Never mind that I’m addicted to porn. Never mind any of that.

  • I have shared this thought previously in the forum, but I rather expect my STBX will write some sort of a crappy non-apology apology letter once the divorce is final. He will do it to ease his own conscience … he cares nothing at all about me or my feelings. It won’t hurt my feelings one bit if I am wrong and he doesn’t do it. But if he does, I plan to carefully steam open the envelope and satisfy my curiosity, then carefully reseal it and have the post office “return to sender” stamp it and return it to him, seemingly unread. That I would not even bother to open and read it will absolutely kill him. It would be the most effective “fuck you” response I could give him. Even better than radio silence.

    • I hope you get your letter even though he breaks no contact by reading it. Sending back to him unread is the perfect FU like you said. 🙂

  • Oh, please host a Stupid Goodbye Letter contest! My cheaterface X signed his “you’re part of me forever.” Sniff, I’m touched! It’s just like the “part of me forever” gift he left with me: Herpes.

    • I’m sorry, Minchiata. There should be some legal recompense for spouses whose cheaters leave them with incurable diseases.

    • Damn that sucks.

      I got “Thanks for all the good times. PLEASE call me if you ever want to be friends.”

      • WhichWayDidSheGo – Your X is a POS… The best is to stay NC, although on this particular instance, I would be so oh so very tempted to text back something like: “Sure and please keep me as your emergency contact. If the need arises, I will be sure that the medical staff respects your DNR wishes.”

    • I’ve got a real beaut – a lengthy text message non-apologia on what would have been our anniversary. Better than a dose of syrup of ipecac. 😀

  • Unless you were getting a letter from Prince, the U’s and K’s are out of line. Actually, Prince would not have not written “K”. Pardon me, but fuck that shit.

  • Cheater O’Mine wrote me lots of drivel, but he branched out with the apology letter–my parents, my best friend, etc. His letter reminded everyone that even while he had done an awful thing (inappropriate relationship–but not ‘had sex with someone else’s wife’), he was, in all actuality, the awesome man he was in everyone’s eyes before this unfortunate bit of information came to light. NOW I see this as his effort to control the narrative, but at the time I was still high on hopium and confused because if he was apologizing to my people, maybe he wanted to reconcile with me to keep these people in his life…in our together life. Nah–he wasn’t sorry he’d done it, just sorry he got caught. He was just sorry people didn’t think he was awesome anymore.

    By the way, Cheater O’Mine was (and still is) a pastor–but now with Whore Dog Millionare at his side. Cheater O’Mine, of course, plays the God card every time he sits down at a table. BUT–and please, please hear this above all else–that is NOT. ON. GOD. No matter how much time passes and how many people condone that marriage, God Almighty will never pop himself on the forehead and say, “OMM (oh, my ME). What was I thinking? Look how awesomely awesome these two are! I was so wrong to have a commandment that keeps the two of THEM from being together. Let me bless their socks off!” No. They will stand before God and answer for this sin and particularly for the sin of the way they have chosen to rip apart the sanctity of marriage in the subconscious minds of their charmed onlookers. It is absolutely wrong that cheaters invoke the name of God to justify their sin, but it makes my heart sink every time CN links the word Cheater with the name Jesus. Their adultery is completely on them…not my fault and not Jesus’ fault. But, that’s yet another thing God’s going to hold them accountable for some day–for the way they’ve caused people to lessen the holiness of His Son’s name.

    In the meantime, I have moved on and up, grateful God did not answer my prayer to reconcile my marriage because He KNEW the character of my husband. I can see clearly now that I am not divorced, I am delivered.

    “See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

    • My ex got up before our congregation and gave a “confession” 5 months after the fact “I stepped out on my marriage”…wouldn’t disclose who with, even though everyone knew and how long (because he would rather people believe that it was a one night stand rather than a 5 year affair by that time). He also won’t tell anyone he kept walking—5 years later we are divorced and wont admit he never stopped cheating. Yet, it is because “I” didn’t humble myself why the marriage failed.

      He was on our church board and our youth leader when it was found out that he brought his OW to our house and had her babysitting our kids…. Filmed sex tapes with the OW with our daughter in the background. .can’t wait for them to get before Jesus with that one….

    • OOOH Renee, you speak some very wise words that I fully agree with. Yes, its on them, not God. We are warned that we will be told lies and we are to be careful to not be tricked. When an idea crosses our minds that is COMPLETELY antithetical to everything else we know to be true about God and the vows we took before Him, we are supposed to be discerning and wise and flee from those ideas.

      Malachi 2:15-17
      But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.

      I have been Protestant and I am now Catholic and most protestants teach that you can never lose your salvation and if you die “saved” you go STRAIGHT to heaven. What a handy concept for people who wrong others here, but for 1500 years that wasnt the teaching. For 1500 years, it was taught that some sin is so grave that your very salvation comes into question AND at death that there is a time of reckoning where we are held responsible for our actions. I will keep this short, but I theorize that your pastor XH may someday be surprised to learn that his Catholic brethren were right about that end of life stuff.

      Knowing that I can depend on God to find the right balance of Truth, accountability and mercy with my deceased spouse (and that formerspouse couldnt cheaply claim Jesus as a quickie get out of jail free card) has kept me from losing my mind.

    • Renee, I’m sorry if I offended you or anyone else by saying my ex is a Jesus Cheater. I got the wording from a prior post on CL. After seeing what your wrote, I won’t say that anymore. I love Jesus. I do. And to put his name next to cheater isn’t a good thing on my part and I’m sorry. I never looked at it this way at all. My ex isn’t a pastor (I seriously cannot believe your ex is still a pastor after committing adultery!), but he this “nice guy Christian” at church. I cannot see his heart, but from what I have seen by his actions and his words towards me, he seems very evil at time. He seems very deceived. But people at the church and at work think he’s this perfect Christian guy.

      And you wrote, “In the meantime, I have moved on and up, grateful God did not answer my prayer to reconcile my marriage because He KNEW the character of my husband. I can see clearly now that I am not divorced, I am delivered.”

      I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to fix our marriage and my husbands heart. To this day, I’m convinced that God woke me up the night I caught my now ex out with his ex ho-worker. At 11:00pm he texted me and said he was sorry that he wasn’t home yet, but he felt he “needed to be here.” “Here” was supposed to be out on a business dinner. “Here” was actually out at a bar with a newly divorced ho. I went to bed and fell fast asleep. I trusted my husband when he said he was at business dinners. I never gave it a second thought. God woke me up at 12:30am and I instantly had a bad feeling in my stomach. The rest is history. God was involved in waking me up the night. I have no doubt about it in my mind and heart. My sister who is also a Christian said, “Martha, you don’t know what else God is protecting your from.” God knows my exes character more than anyone in this world including myself who knows him the best after being with him for almost 25 years. I have to keep having faith that He has my back and front and He knows what’s best for me. I know how much God loves me, because as hard as this all has been, He’s delivered me from evil. Amen.

      • Oh, Martha. You didn’t offend me one bit. Not at all. It just breaks my heart that all these self-professing Christians are casting shadows on the Son of God. I totally understand the phrase, I just hate that someone I loved and trusted and invested a quarter of a century of my life in would be so deceived to turn our lives into the plot of a horrible Lifetime movie. I’m not offended–I do hope what I said doesn’t come off that way because God’s a big boy. He doesn’t need me to be offended on his behalf. It just makes me sad because I know so many are turned off of Christianity because some of us don’t just fall short or stumble, we jump off into the chasm–or, as Unicorn suggested…maybe they turned their backs on their faith or…maybe were never true believers in the first place. Whatever the case there, I’m not the Holy Spirit (though I often try to give Him advice ;D) so I can joyfully walk away from the temptation to say one way or another.

        Unicorn, you hit the nail on the head–as long as we know what the Word of God says, then we can wisely discern what’s antithetical to the truth–no matter what the wolves in sheep’s clothing try to tell us.

        • Okay, good. I’m happy I didn’t offend your or anyone else. It was never my intention. I could easily have just called him a hypocrite or a wolf in sheep clothing. No, you didn’t come off sounded offended, but I thought that maybe I hurt you or someone else on this blog by what I said. I would never intentionally hurt anyone at CN as I feel like you are all my chumps pals and we all get each other and are here for each other.

          I know exactly what you are saying about hating that someone you loved and trusted is so deceived and had no problem destroying your marriage. And then to be a pastor to boot! There’s just no words!!!

          And yep. I totally agree. I’m sure a lot of people at CN are reading our posts and we are saying we are Christians and we were married to Christians and they cheated and lied. But like you said. That is not on God! That is on the cheater and liar. There are a lot of fake Christians in the church. It’s a good place to hide and to look holy. I cannot see my exes heart. I have no idea what his relationship with God is. He, my ex, is no longer my problem. I no longer have to think about his relationship with God. I no longer will pray for him. I did for years. I bought him at least five Bibles. I bought him Christian music that he liked. I’m the one who brought the family to church for the first time. Not him. The person who was supposed to be the leader of our family. My job with him is done. He’s no longer my concern. Let his mommy and ho-workers help care for his soul.

          Honestly, for awhile I was mad at God for waking me up that night. I have no doubt in my mind that I’d still be married right now. He would have probably had some type of affair with the slut and I would never have known about it. He was heading in that direction after changing their morning coffee dates to a late night drink date just as she was newly divorced. As hard as all this has been, God has been with me and helping me all along the way. I could tell story after story about how doors have opened at the right time. How things fell into place with little effort on my behalf. How he rescued me again and again from all the mistakes I made in the last year. I could go on and on. So, even though there are hypocritical Christians out there, that is not the point at all. The point is that God is with people and will help those who seek Him. At least that’s what I believe and I know it to be true for myself. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried, “God, please help me!” And he has. It’s never right away, but he has never left my side even though I’ve left His side lots of times. He is always faithful even when we are not. He’s the only “person” in my life that has always been 100% faithful and that’s why He didn’t want me to spend another minute with my cheater. I know He thinks I deserve to be treated with love, respect, faithfulness and honesty. I never ever had that with my ex.

  • My brain hurts from reading that crap. What’s with all the maybes? I’d like to hit the writer upside the head with an English Grammar textbook. Do something definite with this drivel and burn it in the sink.

      • Send the audio version. It’ll have the same effect on her writing (zero). AND, while steeped in incomprehension (wait, what’s a semicolon?! I’m supposed to use body parts?), she’ll think to herself, “I’m listening to babble.” Then she and Bea can rightfully switch places.

  • Bea,

    I hope this girl was super hot because she is dumb.

    Go no-contact with her and Jesus too.

  • Disordered people love to spew emotional vomit onto their victims, as it relieves them of any slight twinge of guilt they might feel for a nanosecond when reality breaks through their delusion. Often, that emotional vomit comes out just like this letter: nonsensical, pretending-to-take-blame-but-really-not, gushing and yet saying nothing, word salad. This emotional vomit means absolutely nothing — give them a little time and many disordered will DENY ever having felt the very emotions they gush about in these word salad missives — and their moments of guilt or remorse only last as long as it takes to vomit the feeling out or twist reality back to their usual comfort zone of imagined self perfection.

    Best thing to do if you receive one of these messages from an ex is to delete or throw away… but most of all, IGNORE.

  • Finally, I found someone who writes worse than I!
    Yes she sucks
    They all suck
    Once you know what they are capable of, how do you stay with or go back to? Only way is to know you will always dislike them. They can never be trusted fully. Its not a great way to live!

    • I think most people who eventually closed up shop after trying to keep it together with their cheaters probably needed detox from all the negative stress hormones that flooded their body. You’re 100 % right on the point with the “how do you stay with or go back to?” You can’t.
      It requires the one thing you can’t actually do. Trust fully and forgive, and who has time for that shit when you’re standing with a kitchen knife having a fantasy about how funny your spouse would look with it sticking out from between his shoulder blades.
      Sorry. I’m bad at forgiveness.

  • That letter made me angrier after I read it. First off, the person can’t even write. Is this what society has come to, people who can’t even master a basic skill as writing. I’m wondering if they can read…

    Second, the letter states that I used to like you, but I still don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry, how is that supposed to make the reader feel better? This person is incredibly retarded. I hate to use this word, because I have a lot of respect for mentally challenged, but this person isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

    • Also reminds me of how my ex said “I love you, but not in a way that I want to live with you.” I thought my brain was going to explode when he said that. He kept telling me he loved me throughout the time he was saying he wanted a divorce for no reason. It’s just a way to keep you off balance and confused while they’re calculating their next move.

  • STOP right there! BEFORE the letter!
    “The letter starts with a quote she wrote to me BEFORE we got together.” WHAT???
    You mean she kept that quote somewhere, from before, and pasted in her letter to you, after?
    And that quote “predicted” how the relationship turned out? Ain’t that freaking weird?
    More like…
    she wrote that quote after a failed relationship,
    then told YOU the same thing BEFORE you even got together,
    then wrote it again months after the end.
    This looser has no imagination, she recycled her phrases throughout relationships. Which is no surprise when it comes to psychopats. They are so empty, they can’t come up with anything on their own, they copy and paste words, actions, feelings.

    You want some example? First that comes to my mind is Onasis and the gold bracelets he gave as gifts to both Maria Callas and Jackeline: identical bracelets, identical words.

    This POS deserves ZERO bits of your mental estate, let alone your feelings. Please drop any thought of her!

  • That letter reminded me of how my ex said, “We’ll always have our memories,” which I think was supposed to give me comfort while he was dumping me like so much trash.

    • Yep, Lyn, I got the crappy “we made some wonderful memories” in the post D-day trying to relieve himself of guilt email. Barf!!! He also tried to rewrite history to make it look like he was the innocent one, still trying to blame shift. But the only “memory” that I will keep of that email is that I completely ignored it. By then, I knew everything and anything he said was bullshit. Stay strong, Bea.

  • Bea – My STBX offered to start coming to church with me (as a way of our spending time together to re-connect),,, IF I would get up at 5:30am to watch The Walking Dead with him.

    Read that sentence a few times and let it metaphorically sink in.

    All the while he maintained a personal ad on Adult Friend Finder.

    Drop mic – shut her down and out.

    God has a wonderful future planned for you and it doesn’t include this manipulative twat.


  • Bea, this is a cruel letter. Copying a letter from before you were together would make sense if she was trying to get back together and rebuild on what you had. I really don’t see the point of doing this while telling you she doesn’t love you now and it’s over. At best, she wants to look good and feel better by telling herself that she really loved you. But it’s image management, she broke your trust and betrayed you, hurt you. It’s like she wants to stop you healing and realising that she was not genuine so you can’t move on. Was she always this confusing during your relationship? I don’t see how you could ever have a straight conversation with this person, but I am guessing she just swamped you with a lot of talk and love bombing. I am sorry she’s done this to you. I think this type talk, talk, talk so they don’t leave you any space to think for yourself. Very dangerous. I hope you go NC and heal.

  • Mine told everyone he’d written me a letter explaining everything. Thing is, he never did. So, I’m still met with “Why don’t you understand? He wrote you a letter. . .” then they’re dumbfounded to discover he’d lied to them.

    Welcome to my world.

  • The moment I knew I had turned the corner to Meh was when I threw all of his letters and cards in the dumpster.

    My Mother suggested that I bring them with me when I moved home, two years post divorce, and we would have a bonfire with them. I realized that dragging that crap on a 763 mile road trip home was bat shit crazy.

    I threw that shit out before I went to work that day. When I came home I had a big smile on my face when I saw that the dumpster was empty and the bad karma was gone.

    Freeing myself from the emotional baggage that was hiding in the bowels of my closet felt wonderful. Plus when you’re moving you need room for more important things like butt wipes and booze. 🙂

    • I stuffed our 16 x 20 framed wedding portrait in the trash bin … it barely fit and went off to an appropriate resting place … the dump. 🙂

  • So excellent. I learn so much from you. Thank you for deciphering in the most awesome way. I have so much to learn. I am thankful for you beyond words.

  • I refuse to let this colossal bitch look like a simpleton who’s too stupid to construct a labyrinth — not a rabbit hole, but an overlay. Kind of like a drizzly haze overhead. Down comes the acid rain.

    The “betweens” and “amongs” get rearranged and jumbled. The objects of this purposeful creation of chaos come in two telling sets of three: past, present, and future; and you, I, and we.


    I’m going to ask you to do something really hard, which I hate to do because you’re already hurting.

    Could you imagine that letter as a noose around your neck, the thick rope extended for a dozen feet? At the other end is a ship’s anchor.

    That’s what I see in her letter, a noose and an anchor. Heavy as a boulder.

    Forget about the abysmal writing. She’s smarter than she seems. I wouldn’t underestimate her for one second. She’s cruel.

    Two bizarre patterns led me to an unshakeable visual of noose and anchor. One, she keeps alluding to memory (“u can’t forget”). Memory as nostalgia is dangerously heavy. Memory as the story of your life through shifting lenses (you, she, we) is damn near inescapable: your singular agency to forge your identity through your memory is utterly lacking. You are literally stuck among nowheres and noones. 

    Two, she misarranges love in time. In that scrambling lies the noose. In the memory of love lies the anchor.

    She CEMENTS YOU to her in past, present, and future. And then she invokes memory as a relatively benign-looking cloak to drape over the anchor.

    She’s literally commanding you to remember. Hello, self-appointed God, who employs “u” to receive the command — but “you” to receive her alleged care.

    •*u* can’t forget that *I* love *you* now.ks. *u* can’t.

    Three long sentences later, she dictates, repetitively but with a coup de grace,

    •*u* cant forget that I love *you* now…cuz it’s history.

    Another switch ropes you in further. In ONE sentence! Watch the merge mindf#$k: you two are together in the now, remembering the undeniable past, doing so into the foreseeable future. Switching from you to we:

    •*We* cant lose history, ever.

    That time it’s not a command. It’s an assertion. And, for noose’s and anchor’s sake, the most important part of that deceitful assertion is that there IS a “we.”

    The obscene manipulations continue. Lest you wonder too long what the ______ she’s talking about with all this “we,”  she pretends to distinguish herself, pretends to HAVE a self, by inserting an “I.” 

    •But *I* can’t deny…

    Ready for the noose to be slipped over your head? It’s the VERY NEXT sentence:

    •*We* can’t forget…That I’ll be forever grateful to you for being the first to show me love. You’ll always be my first.

    SHE commands YOU (as melded to her) in terms of WE, commands you to remember what she well knows are some of the most precious things to you. To mess further with your sense of yourself then, now, and in the future, she even alludes to timeLESSness (“forever”).

    Cue Act II. Repeat. She deviates among you as an OBJECT for her use, I as a fictitiously sentient human being, and “we” as a construct.

    •Don’t forget I loved you. Don’t forget we’ll always be of Christ together.

    After the switcheroo game comes her god-like proclamation

    •… neither of us will forget the love we had…

    She speaks for both of you? She speaks for the future? How the hell does she know?

    She doesn’t. She doesn’t care about what happened, what’s happening, or what will happen, except to the extent it might affect her. She does care a whole lot about controlling you, keeping you around, and setting you up for obliteration.

    Burn it. Spit on it first. Or send it to me and I’ll do it for you.

    No one normal stands a chance against this monomania. Cut the rope. Don’t wait for the tide to come in and for her to drop anchor. You’ll drown.

    You are fierce. If you can defy centuries’ of canonical rejection, you can cut that rope. I’ll be running of you.

    • What is it with cheaters always trying to control what other people think and what they feel? It’s like they want to control the narrative and everyone’s response to it! (aka This is the story and how we all feel about it and we all agree that it’s not that bad and that things have worked out for the best for everyone!)

      Hell, no! I was very clear with my cheater that he had no control over what I thought or felt or what I would choose to do about his actions. (“Don’t tell me how to feel!” “You broke your promise and I feel no obligation to you!” …and, perhaps the most powerful 4 words in the English language, “I don’t believe that!”). This seemed to be something of a revelation. I could practically see the “oh fuck” flit accross his face as he realized he had set into motion a series of events over which he had little control. The power to decide what I feel and what I think…and ultimately, what I decide to do about his behavior? That’s mine. His power? Ignorantly but volunarilty relinquished, with every stupid decision he made that betryaed our relationship. (and no, it’s not a fucking “mistake”).

      • My traitor always swamped me with psycho babble about his feelings whilst pushing me to be more open about mine, but whenever I started to talk about how I felt, he would take over and describe to me how I felt. It was hard enough for me to open up, and he knew it, but he always took over and prescribed what was supposed to be going on in my mind, and very early on in our relationship pushing for me to have counselling, although I didn’t complain about any issues or concerns. He set out to convince me there was something wrong with me from the start and he was going to fix, but really he was trying to mold me. Also he was always trying to get me drunk or stoned to see the “real me”. As if! I always resisted that and stood strong, that the real me is someone who doesn’t like to get drunk, doesn’t want to get stoned, enjoys being lucid and wants to stay lucid. That’s the sort of person I am and there’s is nothing wrong with it. But the traitor wanted me in a weakened state and to force me to do things I didn’t want to do.
        ‘You feel this, you feel that, you need this, you need that” is all I heard. And I guess he was right in some way, there was something wrong with me, because I put up with his bullshit and believed in his lies for so long! He could smell it, that all I wanted was a marriage and a family, at all costs, because I never really belonged to one!

  • Yes, the letter is ridiculous. But I think it provides some *interesting* insight into a cheater’s mind.

    “even if it feels like ur heart is smashed into ten thousand shards later, even if you think its all my fault”

    Call me crazy, but I think this cheater was planning on breaking Bea’s heart BEFORE they even get into a relationship. Cheater is seems aware of her predilection towards infidelity, and treats her behavior as inevitable.

    Another observation: this cheater enjoys living in the now, but ONLY in the now. She’s so sorry! She’s grateful! She loves you! She cheats anyways! Consequences are but a pesky annoyance in the grand symphony of the Now!

    The rest seems to be a pathetic attempt to emit narcissistic sparkles in return for kibbles’n’cake. The math is generally as follows: I give you one Narkle; you give me a buffet!

    Blech. I think I need a shower.

    • This Cheater probably has a PhD in mindfuckery.
      Control is her mission.
      Enslaving you to the past.
      Fucking up you future.
      Twisting your mind with Pretzel Logic.
      This one makes my Cheater seem like a Prince! (Thank you for that)

  • My X (still calling him Deadfool, though sadly he’s not dead) presented himself as a practicing Muslim (as I am) and we made all sorts of agreements (including our marriage contract) based on that understanding. So many things I thought didn’t need to be said because isn’t it obvious you wouldn’t carry out a LTR with a co-worker, keep multiple women on a texting string sending you nude photos etc, and hook up with escorts in seedy motels? It’s OBVIOUS, right? Wrong.

    I’m so sorry you had to (try to) read this garbage. It kind of sounds like what Fred Armisen was saying in CL’s UBT post about his (disgusting) interview with Marc Maron. “It was intoxicating to get married … And then I look at this person and it’s a real person, not the woman from Mad Men …” So the relationship was like being drunk and now that you’re hung over it’s gotta end so you can go get some more vodka? WHAT?

    Uggghhhhh, it’s so crazy-making. I had a short-lived (thank God) relationship with a guy who clearly had BPD, and at least his emotional rollercoasters had the highs of really great sex and adoration. With Deadfool, I got neither. Just some free movies, a few laughs, and a really expensive move back home. But at least I’m free. I’m going to keep saying that until I don’t have to remind myself anymore!

  • Hey, Bea. If you get any further examples of this kind of twattery, send it over. I will count the me-me-mes, the I-I-Is and make you a pie chart (pick whatever colour you like for ‘you’, you probably won’t be able to see it)! Stay strong X

  • >
    %d bloggers like this: