Why am I second guessing my decision to break up with him?
Thank you for having this site….I don’t know how I could possibly go through what I’m going through without you and CN. This website is the first thing I read when I wake, and the last before I sleep. Since it’s been difficult for me to sleep these nights, I’ve pretty much read everything on your site.
Two years ago, I was a confident woman, loving the life I had. I wasn’t attached, traveled, ran my own business and managed to pay my mortgage and bills. I was satisfied — happy! — because I stopped trying to keep up with everybody materially and told myself I had enough and was lucky to be where I was at 48. A guy I was once intimate with came back into my life because he wanted me to help him with his business. Professionally, we did great things. A year into working together, he pursued me relentlessly. At first I resisted. I wanted to find someone that would commit. He kept after me and told me we could have a commitment. I caved. I fell in love. I really loved him and thought he felt the same.
Until I discovered racy texts to his neighbor on his iPad last November. Phrases like “I want to see you cum,” or “I can lay with you for a bit so you can feel better,” or, “when can I visit you at night?” went back and forth from the time we started our relationship to then. When I asked him about this woman, he denied everything until I told him the exact words I read. I took pictures of the texts to make sure I wasn’t making this shit up. He finally admitted he sent those texts. Our phone conversation went down before a client meeting. I was dizzy but pulled myself together, took a few minutes to focus and managed to get through that day. Then I broke down. Seriously. I was in pain, my whole body ached — especially my chest.
He asked me to stick it out, told me I was the one he was committed to and that the texts were just for “fun.” He said he’d stop communicating with this woman. He said there was no reason for me to be so insecure, that I was “better than that.” He seemed irate about having to explain himself. I faked myself out and believed he cared, used a lot of spackle despite glaring clues to his infidelity. My gut told me to not trust him, he lies frequently, not only to me but others. He doesn’t talk about our future or tell me he loves me; he flirts with other women in my presence and really doesn’t let anyone know we’re a couple. Our sex life was great but now it’s the pits…he goes limp probably because he’s getting it from somewhere else. I don’t like who I am when I’m with him…unsure, unattractive.
I finally broke up with him tonight, unexpectedly, as we drove home from dinner. I ran out of spackle. Ten months of pretending I’m okay with him is enough. Yet I feel like I’m making a mistake. I’m 50 now, and well, you know the fears of a single 50 year old woman. I am so opposite of what I was two years ago. I’m struggling. I’m so sad. I’m looking to CN to help me get through this.
Why am I second guessing myself despite my gut telling me to tell him to fuck off?
Hobgoblins of fear, that’s why. Clearly logic isn’t holding the reins here. If it was you’d see the idiocy of texting his neighbor “I want to see you cum” followed by the reassurance that you’re the one he’s “committed” to.
Don’t feel bad. Very few people react to being chumped with total clarity and laser focus. Most of us cling to our cheaters trying to make sense of the self-serving nonsense that spews out of their lying mouths. Before we leave, we have to be certain that betrayal is a hanging offense. We’re not going to just chuck our entire investment and our deep commitment over a misunderstanding.
So instead of trusting the evidence and knowing our worth and what our deal breakers are, chumps spackle. There holding the spackle trowel are the hobgoblins of fear. You’ll die alone! No one will ever love a woman over 50! You’re worthless without him! His validation is the ONLY validation that matters! You’re a failure! Your inadequacies made him cheat! How could anyone love someone as flawed as you? HANG ON TO HIM! This is your LAST CHANCE!
Standing next to the hobgoblins are those unicorns of hope, prancing around all dreamy and dewy-eyed whispering, “You can FIX THIS!” and “I have a VISION of your future happiness! Why, these affairs will just make your relationship STRONGER!”
Way, way down the field is Logic. The hobgoblins have tied him to a tree and the unicorns stuffed an apple in his mouth to shut him up, but Logic has spat it out and persists. “THIS MAKES NO SENSE! ABORT MISSION!”
Logic’s shouts are faint and far away. The unicorns take a deep toke on the hopium pipe and pass it to you. “Pay no attention to that lunatic. He’s just bitter.” The hobgoblins chime in, “You don’t want to be one of those pathetic BITTER people do you? ALONE. BEREFT. PATHETIC.”
So why are you second guessing yourself? Hobgoblins and unicorns.
Let’s free Logic and take a look at your cheater’s bullshit.
He asked me to stick it out, told me I was the one he was committed to and that the texts were just for “fun.”
Do you want to be with someone who thinks it’s “fun” to disrespect you? Whose idea of commitment is booty-calling his neighbor? (And if you think that relationship stops and starts with texts, I have a unicorn to sell you.)
He said he’d stop communicating with this woman.
Because there are always OTHER women. Sure, he’ll stop! The problem isn’t this woman — the problem is HIM.
He said there was no reason for me to be so insecure, that I was “better than that.”
Gaslighting. You took a picture of that “reason” — he sexts other women. Any loving person would feel off balance and insecure to discover infidelity. If that shit doesn’t rock your world? You’re not that deep. It would be a superficial wound of a superficial person.
You’re better than that? Yes you are. You have a heart. You need to go find other people with hearts. He’s not your tribe.
He seemed irate about having to explain himself.
Well yes, of course. The rage, charm, self-pity channel flips of manipulation are exhausting.
I faked myself out and believed he cared, used a lot of spackle despite glaring clues to his infidelity. My gut told me to not trust him, he lies frequently, not only to me but others.
He lies frequently? To others? And you’re in BUSINESS with this person? Dear God woman, get a forensic accountant AND a shrink! Protect yourself!
He doesn’t talk about our future or tell me he loves me; he flirts with other women in my presence and really doesn’t let anyone know we’re a couple.
Wow. I can smell the Commitment from here.
Our sex life was great but now it’s the pits…he goes limp probably because he’s getting it from somewhere else.
You’ve seen behind the mask. They never sparkle again after that, unless they want something. You’re second-rate kibbles now. Except in whatever other way you’re of use to him.
I don’t like who I am when I’m with him…unsure, unattractive.
There’s your reason to dump him. How about liking who you are again? A woman certain of her worth! Nothing more attractive than that.
Blooming — you’re just grieving. The pain will pass. Stay no contact and protect your business and your heart from this creep. I promise you’ll go back to your awesome self after you detox from this relationship. Tell the hobgoblins to fuck off and the unicorns where to shove it. Logic is running the show now.