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Eat, Pray, Gay?

narcissistegokibblesOkay folks, you can all stop sending me Elizabeth Gilbert news items. If Chump Nation would now like to form a circle, hold hands, and shout “I TOLD YOU SO!” at the top of your lungs, you may now do so.

Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love” and countless soppy Facebook posts that begin “Dear Ones” has a True Love. Okay, an old love. Okay, it’s her best friend. Okay, maybe, kinda, sorta they were affair partners.

“For those of you who are doing the math here, and who are wondering if this situation is why my marriage came to an end this spring, the simple answer is yes,” wrote Gilbert.

But HEY! It’s not cheating because it was with a woman! (Didn’t we answer that letter last week?) Who has liver and pancreatic cancer! So get your mind out of the gutter, people. This is not a tawdry affair. It would be churlish and unkind of you to point out the rotating buffet of Gilbert’s True Loves. No, this is a story of selflessness. Of nursing one’s best friend through cancer. And there are no kibbles like cancer kibbles.

Death — or the prospect of death — has a way of clearing away everything that is not real, and in that space of stark and utter realness, I was faced with this truth: I do not merely love Rayya; I am in love with Rayya. And I have no more time for denying that truth. The thought of someday sitting in a hospital room with her, holding her hand and watching her slide away, without ever having let her (or myself!) know the extent of my true feelings for her…well, that thought was unthinkable.

Put aside the whole “In sickness and in health” vow she made to her husband. Hey, that was a green card situation and not True Love. Okay, well for the purposes of the book, a movie, and a whole EPL enterprise it was True Love. Up until the point he dumped her. True Love abhors a vacuum. We have a new True Love. Keep up with the plot line, people!

Isn’t it possible to have a sick friend, nurse them through cancer, and NOT profess a romantic attachment? My dad had lymphoma last year. A lot of people came by with soup and shoveled snow and helped take him to his chemo appointments. Not one single person fell in love with him. Of course, nauseous, thin, and bald isn’t a good look. (He’s in the all clear now, thanks. His “true love” of 51 years, my mom, stuck with him.)

Anyway, we can all wonder at the impression management of newly gay, cancer care-taking authors. It’s always terrifically sad when someone you love is terminally ill.

Today, however, I need a Friday challenge — so the challenge I put before you is to imagine that your cheater is a best-selling author with a social media following. They are about to announce a Dramatic Life Change to their adoring public. What’s the plot twist and how does it go? Here’s mine:

Beloved Moppets,

You all know and love me as Dirk, a hairy, misogynist deer hunter from Pittsburgh. But I must tell you, I have a new passion in my life and a NEW MAN — Nigel. He’s dewy and fresh and smells like scented dryer sheets. We’re opening a tea cup emporium. I know you’re all rapturously happy for us.

Air kisses!

Dirk

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • My therapist thinks (a man) that Elizabeth Gilbert is a textbook narcissist with enough neurosis to make herself look like “lost soul” she portrays herself to be. I know for a fact (dear friends in NJ are old neighbors with her first husband) and she paid off that first chap in order not to publish his tell all (remember? It was almost to be published before he accepted 4 million hush money..?) and he since remarried, has a family and keeps telling his friends he dodged a major bullet with that psycho.

    • Makes total and complete sense, like when you are dealing with a narcissist and the whole world seems to be charmed but you are going “hey wait a minute, this doesn’t feel right to me”…..and now she is saddled up with Glennon Doyle Melton who announced her “conscious uncoupling” with a pony tail and coffee, a slight nod of the head as if to say “it’s all good”….only on the inside you know this is NOT how you feel when your entire world is falling apart and you have little people to watch after. UGH. I generally think this new era of self help drama queen is the worst, as if they glamorize and thrive on the daily drama they seem to create….HEY THEIR ARE SOME OF US SWIMMING IN SHIT AND WE ARENT ALL SMILES..AND COFFEE…AND DEAR ONES. Good GOD I needed to vent.

      • Oh my Gawd! I saw that too–that Gilbert ponied up with Glennon Doyle Melton. Melton just “confessed” she was cheated on, too. Gilbert reviewed Melton’s latest book.

        I was unsure of how to take that whole situation. I don’t read “mommy blogs” (sorry, I’m a grandmother now and I just don’t relate). But I saw all the buzz about Melton and thought “geesh… drama queen.” Melton states she was a drug addict in the past and some of what she wrote is pretty melodramatic and nauseating to me. I divorced an addict. They do love their drama. If they can’t create it by using, they sure do use it with their relationships. It sounds like Melton’s husband was a serial cheat. Just leave the guy and move on! But no……… the drama queen cough cough “spiritual advisor” or “self-help” advocate has to make it all “brutiful.” No. It’s ugly, it’s messy, and it’s very real when you are betrayed and you are cheated and you are indeed chumped. There are legal, practical, and very real psychological and emotional things you must do. But Melton is encouraging everyone to take her “easy way out?” Nope. Nope. Nope.

        • Timely comment. I just finished the Melton book 10 minutes ago. I have mixed feelings about it. I know they are friends but as a reader/observer, I find Gilbert to be a narcissist but I can’t help liking Melton. She is sort of a mess but she tries to bring good to the world.

          • Also hate that Glennon is now associated with Gilbert. I finished Glennons new book. Glennon is a messed up chump who actually gives a real nod to how hurtful cheating is and how split off she was. She wants to spackle and ultimately got to a point where she knows she can’t. But fame is bringing her another messed up narc in the form of this “friend” so she still has to work on her picker

            • I’m struggling with the Glennon thing. I used to love her but used some of her earlier essays about her husband’s cheating to justify my 2-month unicorn hunt post d-day. I feel horrible for feeling vindicated that she ultimately left her marriage.

              • As a non-US chump, Melton’s rah-rah-rah has me suspicious as hell. But there are some parts I take. Like be fucking scared. It isn’t all fucking rosy. I think her shit sandwich is that she spackles with Jesus. I, too freaked when I saw the Gilbert alliance. Anyone who courts so much media attention freaks me out.

                And BTW, $4m? Surely a book telling the anti EPL story would make more?

        • I put this in the wrong place because I got confused over the different links – oops.
          okay, sorry I can’t keep up with these people. I read Love Warriors and after I finished found out she left then divorced the guy before the book was published but didn’t want to say anything until the book sale began so the book would be about marriage and sell. Here is the quote from her website: “And the advice from many is: Wait, G. Just wait till after the book has launched to reveal this. This is a MARRIAGE book – you can’t break up before it even comes out! Glennon – it will affect sales. It will affect your career, your success.” That is f*cking dishonest!!! What a creaton! How many people believed her crap? So when I see Glennon Doyle’s name I think fuckwit…

    • I am bizarrely familiar with this type and have had to cut her out of my life like a disease. She’s just so “free” and “brave” and “won’t be limited by your provincial morals and taboos!” She presents her life like a book trailer for Eat, Pray, Love or Wild or some other book where a self-centered woman uses other people as stepping stones (providing “provincial” things like food, housing, and cash) on her way to “personal growth.” And then, when people realize they don’t enjoy being used and it all blows up in her face, she expects to be rescued by my stability, which stems from my grasp of provincial morals and taboos. I haven’t spoken to her in five years and I look back at the shit I put up with and cringe. I could not stomach anything beyond the first chapter of EPL because of my experiences with her. And I damn near got kicked out of my book club because of it.

      • // , Like an increasingly large and influential portion of people do, they consume what they cannot create.

  • Dear friends from college I knew 40 years ago and see maybe once a year but still consider my only friends:

    X here. You may soon see a photo with me in it taken at a hardcore gay biker bar in Provincetown. I got lost on my way fishing and stumbled in there for a beer. Imagine my surprise when the Cape Cod Times snapped my photo! I didn’t even notice all the dick picks on the wall. And that guy next to me? Poor bastard was lost too, and there asking for directions to the saltwater candy store to buy taffy for his mother.

    Anywhooooo, just want to remind you that I left my wife who is raising my THREE children for the love of my life. Who is a woman. I swear!

    As ever,

    X

      • Dear children, extended family, friends, neighbors and colleagues who are still speaking to me,

        You are all invited to let me impress you at… my next wedding!!!

        It’ll be a wedding like none of my others as I wed Tiffany AND Candy, ladies who’ve always treated me right. One look at their Backpage listing and you’ll know why I’m trying them instead of another educated, attractive and age-appropriate woman.

        I know you just googled and i’s true! Candy’s boobs are 100% real and Tiffany’s azz is that tight! And their photos don’t do justice to their ink and piercings.

        So come party with me. Again. An embarrassing display of crab claws, Veuve Clicquot, brats and beer will be served. RSVP by Sept 17.

        Always,
        Dr. C

        • Oh my goodness I love this Geode! I just found out my ex is marrying his affair partner, our divorce was final in May, it’s been less than a year since this whole thing went down… But instead of being upset, I am oddly amused! It cracks me up that my ex really thinks he can shake a whore tree and Snow White will drop to the ground! And she thinks she shook out Prince Charming! Ha!! Only narcissistic, whack jobs drop out of whore trees. On their backs, ready to go. Have fun with that!!!!

          • I DID have fun with this! Gut laughter!

            “It cracks me up that my ex really thinks he can shake a whore tree and Snow White will drop to the ground! And she thinks she shook out Prince Charming! Ha!! Only narcissistic, whack jobs drop out of whore trees. On their backs, ready to go. Have fun with that!!!!”

          • Oh you just gave me the most joyous laughter. Shaking the whore tree? You’re the best. Glad you’ve found the ironic humor in his stupidity. Poor guy. He’ll figure it out (if he’s lucky) way too late, 3 chicks from now or, worse case, never. Word up to you!

    • Chutes and Ladder…. Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!

      Thankfully I have no children with my ex, but I keep a very informative video of a text I found, of a man I thought would never cheat on me much less with a multitude of men. He’s a complete (church going) whore!

      When I had concrete evidence after years of trying to get him to admit to what my intuition kept telling me, his reply was “I’m not gay, I’m bi.” AND my reply was “Oh honey thats denial talking, your GAY! How many women have you met on A4A?!” He’d have a complete come apart if his DEVOUT Catholic sister knew who he was, so in his delusional handicapped mind its better if he’s bi?! They think I’m the one with the problem and he ain’t telling the truth.

  • My Adoring Public,

    After a failed marriage and disappointing a string of women for years after, I’ve finally recognized that there is one woman who has never left my side, always encouraged me to seek my happiness and never judged me. After much thought and prayer, I’ve know now that the woman Jesus always wanted me to be with is…

    My sister!

    Now I know there’s a ton of social and Biblical prohibitions on incest (just as they are with adultery) but as always, I am the exception!

    Why else would we have come from the same womb if we weren’t meant to be together? Our marriages didn’t fail because we’re both selfish, narcissistic assholes, no… It’s because we went again God’s purpose by denying our True Love.

    I just hope my brother isn’t jealous.

      • I’m sorry I can’t take all the credit… I ripped that line off from Game of Thrones. Kudos to Chipmaker for catching the reference!

    • Part Shakespeare, part Cersei & Jaime (with a side mention of Tyrion), and part modern twist, thoroughly blended into a distasteful morass. Drink up, readers!

      • Well, I don’t think it’s true but who the hell knows. All three siblings had a ridiculously co-dependent relationships with one another, zero boundaries, and treated their spouses like wallpaper at family gatherings. For example, she got pissed whenever we went on vacation without inviting her!

        Shortly after her husband discovered she was cheating on him with various men and un-chumped himself, she amped up her efforts to sabotage my marriage by contacting my husband’s ex-girlfriend over Facebook and gave her his contact information. And that’s how that ex-girlfriend became OW #2!

        Last I heard, she turned against OW #2 after she served her purpose. But now that I’m happily remarried and feeling “meh”, I’m actually grateful to the crazy bitch for accelerating my departure from limbo.

        • My ex’s siblings are like that as well. I had to actually put my foot down and say no when early in our marriage, ex and one of his sisters wanted to have a weekly “date night” without me.

          • X’s sibling relationships were similar. At family gatherings spouses were non-existent.
            As a spouse I had the privilege of listening to them feel sorry for themselves, they are taken advantage of at work, their aches and pains and how nice they are compared to everyone else.
            X’s sisters would call X into the bedroom to have private conversations with him, leaving me in the family room by myself or with their parents.
            I put my foot down when we we’re staying with the in -laws in their small trailer home. X, our son and me were staying in a tiny guest bedroom with a trundle bed and a twin bunk bed which filled the entire room. X’s divorced, narcissistic Uncle planned to stay in the same room. At the moment I heard that I insisted that we leave and get a hotel room. X’s family wasn’t happy but I was ecstatic, first thing I did when we got to the hotel was order room service to celebrate being away from his family and able to eat normal food.

  • Dear Potential Therapy Clients,

    I am all about AUTHENTICITY. Come to my private counseling practice, and I will help you with your COURAGE TO CHANGE. I specialize in marriage and various individual counseling.

    -A Terribly INauthentic Cheater Counselor*

    (Based on true story…a name has been changed to protect a truly guilty party. Yes, my cheater launched her private counseling practice promoting it sort of like I put above as while still lying about her adulterous affair to me.)

  • Dear obviously adoring fans,
    I have some news. Some amazingly great news… After lying and deceiving my wife of 25 years and my children, after taking care of my family of origin before the one I created, after cheating on my wife with a 22 year old foreign student, after hiding, diverting and controlling money in our mariage, I have finally decided to be with my one true love, my (literal) reason for being alive. My mother.
    Now before you do the logical next thing (throw up in your mouth), let me explain. You see, it was meant to be. I am in awe that I didn’t see it before. I mean, I built this woman a house and paid for it before my children had one! I paid for this woman’s plane tickets so she could come stay with us for three to six months at a time and help my wife run our family (she really needed all the help she could get). I am still providing for her daily needs. I used funds that were for my wife and children in order to keep my mother to a lifestyle she had never been accustomed to, I forced my wife and children to spend every other weekend at her house for 4 years, I severed my relationship with my father. And on, and on, and on…
    So what if my own mother insists on telling every one who will listen that I am not her favorite (that honor goes to my older brother who moved away as soon as he could and stayed away)? I know with this new direction in my life, I will prove to her that I am worthy of her love and then everything will be right with the world. Wife and kids be damned! I am on my way to settle my mommy issues!!!
    Thanks for listening and your obvious support and mostly thank you for helping me keep up this appearance of the greatest guy that ever walked on the face of the earth.

    • Amen Better Alone! I thought guys who treat their mother well are supposed to be a good catch, cause they will treat you well too. Wrong!!! At least in my case.

      I could ask for minor things around my house, and they never got done. Change a light bulb I couldn’t reach, hang a curtain rod, things that take about 10 minutes. Yet, he would be at his mommy’s house doing huge tasks. Cutting bushes, tiling floors, sealing her deck.

      I don’t think he does it for her, I think he does it for the admiration. The Knight in Shining Armor.

      • There’s a difference between being a momma’s boy and a man who treats his mother well. In the case of a momma’s boy, the mother in law will win each time over the wife and the kids, because the husband is a manchild, unable to stand up to his own mother. And the manchild is so weak, that often times, he’ll passively stand by the sidelines, so that his wife and his own mother can go at it and be at each other’s throats. The mother in law always wins when you marry a momma’s boy. He is the guilty party, not being able to put boundaries and stand up to his mother.

        But a real man who treats his mother well, will ensure his mother is well taken care of, but not at the expense of his wife and kids. His wife and kids rather will come first, and their needs taken care of, and not neglected. A real man will stand up to his mother, telling her clearly that his wife and kids need his time first, and he needs to be there for them as that is his family.

        The first is a boy and the second is a real man. I hate momma’s boys.

      • Yeah, I thought men that treated their mothers well were a great catch, too! Wrong in my case, too. Before we married, I saw him be the helpful, “perfect & special” son (to this day, his mommy tells her 47 year old son that he is “perfect and special – gag!). I thought he’d be this way when we got married. WRONG! He was an entitled lazy, ass husband who just watch me do almost everything. Right after the honeymoon, started right off with sitting on his butt, watching TV while I carried bag after bag of groceries up the apartment steps. Didn’t stop to ask if I needed help. Eventually I asked him if he could please help me. This started the process of me being a Super Chump. He was always helpful if I asked, but I had to ask. And of course his mommy and auntie got flowers for Easter, but did I ever get any flowers for anything? NO! I’m sure if I would have asked for flowers, I would have gotten them. But I wasn’t about to ask for something that he knew his mommy and auntie would like, but of course Super Chump doesn’t deserve flowers. I could go on and on just like all the other chumps.

        • No flowers for anything? But he buys mom and aunt flowers for Easter? I wouldn’t have asked either. What a swine. Ugh. That would have really hurt my feelings. I have an urge to shove a bouquet of nettles down one of his orifices and up another.

      • Yes Waffles, I did see it and I guess I’m jaded as all get out because I just managed an “ugh” and moved on. I also considered an article in my area stating that parents should keep a close eye on their children because statistically speaking there is one pervert availiable numerically to cover every square mile of the United States!!!! Doesn’t help the poor kid whose Mom or Dad IS the pervert now, does it?? Lord help us all!!

    • I thought Durtbag was a great guy for taking care of his mom and having her live with him, then us. Turns out he uses her for the meager amount of money she has left and her credit. After I kicked him and his mom to the curb, he had to get his mom to buy him a car because he can’t get financing. Next she will probably be buying them a house. Of course, he won’t be able to make the payments on the car or house and she will be bankrupt and homeless at 79 years of age. He can do no wrong, however.

    • Omg, my ex prioritized his able-bodied parents’ whims over our children’s’ immediate needs throughout our marriage. So backwards. Mom didn’t ever say that he wasn’t her favorite, but he sure did fixate on her as if he needed to win her. In the end, he described final OW in comparison to his mom. So creepy. Said she looked like her but has a bigger nose, and (shudder) also likes to pop the pimples on his back (NOT MAKING THIS UP).

  • To my fans:

    I am sorry that life changes can be hard for some people – like my wife and children – but it’s for the best. My best. I was so very unhappy for a long, long time. It was only through my counseling of a special work friend who was going through a bitter divorce (her husband cheated on her, can you imagine the pain she was in?) that I realized I needed to be happy. That I deserve to be happy. Thankfully my special work friend was there to bolster me with encouragement (Just. Do. It.) and support (my heart is breaking into a thousand pieces) to be honest with my wife (hickey on my chest) when I told her that I was no longer in love with her. We just drifted apart (into a much younger womans vagina). Nobodys fault (not MINE!), and my ex wife will always be my best friend. A best friend that I lie to and cheat on and withhold funds to.

    In conclusion dear adoring fans…..this is not about cheating. This is about finding happiness at the expense of others. I mean change!! This is about change that will eventually turn out to be the best for everyone. And by that I mean me,

  • Fellow Kickass Single Moms of the Apocalypse —

    You’ve all been with me through my difficult but necessary break from my husband of 15 years and the many affair partners I’ve had in order to find myself again. I drew from your collective strength when I was confronted by my husband as I waited for the Carrot Singer to come to my marital bed, and then was forced to admit to him that my husband was NOT in fact physically abusing me. I was humbled by your support when my husband and his attorney so callously and unnecessarily exposed the intimate details of my life in court. And each of you is with me in spirit every time I don the strap-on dildo and “peg” the Creepy Writer. Each thrust into his ass is a victory for women like us everywhere.

    Well, now it’s time for me to give back to you and to the world.

    That’s why I’ve decided to act as a surrogate carrier for some lucky couple out there. I so loved being pregnant with my own daughters — the compliments, the comments,the ATTENTION — and it’s been far too long since a new life creation has burst forth from my magic loins.

    I have registered with a matching service and they have notified me that there are dozens of couples salivating at the possibility of their offspring being gestated in the womb of such an awesome example of womanhood. The couple I pick will be lucky indeed. Creepy Writer has assured me that I have his support, and not only because the thought of a PREGNANT woman fucking him in the ass really turns him on.

    And if I decide after a single unsuccessful implantation that I don’t want to endure the shots, hormone therapy and general inconvenience after all, well at least the lucky couple — devestated as they undoubtedly will be — will always have the satisfaction of knowing that I deemed them worthy of my consideration.

    But let’s not dwell on possible unpleasantness — the important thing is that I’ve decided to do this and that I feel great about myself for it. Please understand that this is a very private matter that I will make public as it suits me, or whenever I need your collective kibbles to get me through it.

    Stay tuned for more — and remember: I love each and every one of you that gives me a ‘you GO, girl!!’

    Kunty Kibbler

    (Note from UXworld: I’m sorry to say this is bit of parody is based on actual experience)

    • Gosh UXW, believe it or not, same exact actual experience for me! My ex-wife was wanting to be a surrogate carrier right after I filed for divorce. She wanted to be a surrogate for her brothers child. I was floored!

      My prime concern at that time was my 3 small kids on how this divorce would change their lives forever – not more attention Kibbles N’ Nuts for Ms. Peanut Butter legs.

      Her exact words to me when I asked her what was going on in her mind…..“The kids will be fine.” Then she said….“you can either be part of the joy or not be part of it all.” %!$??@%?x?!#&%!?!?!?

      • Not exactly the same experience as you — KK tried being a surrogate about 10 years ago (hence ‘based on actual experience’). But I will tell you that she didn’t have the courage to contact the couple she was trying to carry for after she decided ‘no mas’ — she let the agency handle that — and didn’t bat an eye when I took it upon myself, chump as I am, to email them with my personal condolences and regrets.

    • Wow. The entitlement of pregnancy kibbles. I had a friend like this. “Pay attention to me! I’m pregnant and special. This is MY TIME.” And of course when she had a miscarriage for her second pregnancy — theatrical kibbles for that, too. Mind you, her “miscarriage” was her missing her period for a couple of days and then she got her period and then saved the contents of her period and took it to the emergency room (who does this???) and got tested for being pregnant and she was for a few weeks. Then she wondered if they could test if it was a boy or girl (on a few cells.) And then the theatrics started. Mind you. I had a miscarriage of a baby that was months old and as hard as it was, I didn’t seek attention sympathy kibbles like she did. This narcs are unbelievable at times.

  • I can’t think of anything witty right now, but I will say that I have had close female friends all my life, and I have yet to hit on one or fall in love with one of them. No matter what the circumstances. Sick, well, skinny, fat, young, old, sloppy drunk, crying, laughing. I don’t think you just suddenly decide, in your forties , fifties, whatever this chick is, that hey I like girls.

    There is a level of admiration I feel for lots of women. I guess that’s the Girl Crushes you hear about. But it’s not anything that feels romantic, or physical, or anything but admiration. Has anyone else had that experience?

    • I’ve entertained the thought that being with a woman might make some sense, emotionally speaking. I wouldn’t have to explain some things, maybe she would naturally “just get me.” Not that I think being with a woman is getting a cheater-free card because obviously there are plenty of female fuckwits out there. But I’ve never had any attraction toward women and like you said, I don’t know if you can suddenly develop an attraction for the same sex just like I don’t think you could do that for the opposite sex. I think you who are you are and you would probably have at least an inkling of your preferences early in life. That’s just my opinion.

    • Well that’s why EG hit a two-fer by falling “in love” with a woman dying of cancer and hopped up on a cocktail of libido-kiling drugs. All the cache of a trendy lesbian relationship with none of the requirements of engaging in, you know, gay sex. Despite her well-documented string of levers, we’ve yet to see her go for a chick, til she picked one that probably isn’t wild to get in the sack.

        • Right, which is really sad because it feels like she’s just using this poor dying woman for her latest book/movie/kibbles….Typical malignant narc!!!!

          • aw thanks C.R. I’m still here, don’t comment as much on the main posts but more in the forums. Doing great, mostly Meh at +3 years. [[hugs]] hope you are well too.

      • One would think. But she will magically transform herself for whatever scenario promises her the most kibbles and cash.

      • I dare say you are probably correct Hesatthecurb – whats next for Gilbert after women? Farm animals? (no intended disrespect to animals)

      • Oh no she didn’t, she just posted this…..

        Dear Ones,

        As you know, I am now a lesbian and deeply in love with my best friend who is also the other woman who is also dying of cancer who is also an Aries. I am also an Aries, so it was meant to be. As part of my effort to cheer her up in her hospital bed I wanted to get her a new puppy. I traveled far and wide, the Yukon, Yucatan, Yosemite, to find this puppy. You may read about it in my new novelette, “Fleas, Tics, Salad.”

        Alas, I came back empty handed. Then someone told me that they have dogs right here. Who knew? I went to that place that people donate unwanted dogs, and found Buster. Well Dear Ones, he was scheduled for euthanasia on tomorrow eve. I saved him. I looked in those big brown eyes and it was love at first sight. I know now what has been missing in my life. There’s a word for what I’m doing, but it’s rather crass, so we shall just leave it at I love Buster. And Buster loves peanut butter. So please respect my privacy at this very very important time in my….oh look, a squirrel.

    • I hate to be crude but it is Friday. Yes….you admire their thoughts, sense of style, bravery, wisdom and find them attractive….but you dont want to eat p*ssy.
      Sorry…it had to be done.?

      • Sylvia us Sad, lol. Yes, thank you for saying it. I just don’t think I could ever get physical with another woman. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Obscure Jerry Seinfeld reference there. Just not my thing.

  • My dearest Attention Whore-mongers,

    I love me some me.

    Ok so maybe that’s not exactly breaking news but I haven’t posted in like a whole hour and I was starting to get the shakes.

    I panicked.

    New selfies of me wearing my Please, Worry About Me! face are forthcoming.

  • Dear Minions –

    I know how impressed you’ve all been with my Clark Kent imitation for all these years – captain of industry, leader of the Frat Pack, great friend to those who don’t know me too well, father of the year, and fabulous husband to my wife whom I’ve worn like a platinum Rolex making me look successful with her beauty and brains. I know you have all been impressed with the names I have dropped, jocks I have sniffed, and the caliber of ass I have kissed.

    It’s been exhausting keeping up this charade, my mask always firmly in place, my alligator shoes shined, my $300.00 pants perfectly pressed and my cashmere sweaters pill-free. Due to an unfortunate incident that was NOT MY FAULT IN ANY WAY, I have now been divested of my fabulous job, my cushy digs, my lovely wife (that bitch!) and – except for every other weekend – my child. Since there has been no way to gaslight my way out of this, I’ve now decided to show who I really am.

    So, if you need help in any way? Fuck you! Unless you kiss my ass endlessly and pay me back for my time and effort, you are on your own. If you are interested in dating me? You better be prepared for no emotional support, no physical affection unless I want to use you as a blow up doll, which will culminate in my cheating on you because you’ll never fill the black void in my soul. And anything else you peons might need me for? Be prepared to always hear “What’s in it for me?”

    I’ll be the beast with the steely inhuman eyes that is always looking for prey. You’ll be able to smell the evil on me. My mask is gone. Even an Armani suit won’t be able to cover up the rotting soul. You’ve been warned.

  • Unrelated to the challenge of the day, but I just about peed myself laughing at the comment about cancer kibbles. Not that cancer is funny in any way, but my STBXH dated and doted on a gal undergoing cancer treatments and then promptly dumped her. I guess the self-care required for her own health took away from his kibbles. Or maybe the meds diminished her desire for him. Either way, I’m sure she was deemed “no longer useful.”

  • Is she narcissist enough to use this relationship (with someone who is terminally ill) as the basis for her next book and speaking tour?

    How many people do you emotionally destroy on your journey to find your authentic self?

      • Kellia, that was my first thought. My second was, please, please let there be reviewers who’ll tear her shit story, and shit prose, to shreds.

        TheMuse, my third thought was, “If EG gets a movie deal out of this I think everyone at CN should write, Tweet, whatever to Julia Roberts.” Not sure what I’d say (mind is slow these days) but I’m sure CN members would know where to start …

    • Anyone who does not foresee at least one, probably two sequels, is amusingly naive.

      Her authentic self is whatever it needs to be for the next book.

      • Can’t remember — in the stories about her separation that she announced on Facebook, was there any mention of her STBX (X?) husband’s having agreed to nondisclosure? If not, HE should get ahead of this, hire a ghostwriter if need be, and spill. IIRC, he was devastated by his first divorce … and as far as I can tell, is quite the sympathetic character.

  • To those whom I have loved,

    True bonds are created through mutual connection. I care deeply about our past connections and want to further strengthen our bonds. 24+ months of individual therapy, not including the 6 months were is was lying to me AND my therapist, have shown me the path to authenticity.

    Believe me when I say to all of you my deep regret in overlapping the bonds of connection. I am a Nice Guy. I am someone you can trust to become whatever you need me to be in whatever situation. Your faults and deficiencies are not troublesome for me. We all need to focus on self-improvement and I can coach you to becoming a better you.

    Kindest regards,
    Nice Guy
    ==========

    In all seriousness Chumps, beware of the mindfuck.

  • I saw an article on this on HuffPo. Half of the comments are calling her out for what she is (an immature sociopath) and the rest all support her using some variation of “she’s finding her true self” and “she’s just trying to live her authentic life”. Go read them, it’s both mind-blowing and comical at the same time.

    I’m so sick of hearing (and reading) all these fluffy, intangible concepts as excuses to screw over your spouse. They make it sound like she’s just running in a sundress across a field of flowers with a butterfly net – trying to catch happiness. That’s fine to do if you’re on your own…fine go chase your butterflies. But please don’t try to pass that shit off when in reality you’re just screwing over the people that loved and trusted you.

    As many of the comments on HuffPo pointed out to her defenders, and CL did above, imagine if Elizabeth’s husband decided to run off with some other woman to go “find himself” and “live his authentic life”. What would the defenders say about that? Probably that he’s an asshole – and they’d be right.

    • it’s disgusting just like the HONY (Humans of New York) facebook which has posted numerous times about cheaters. All the Sheeple dutifully post “don’t JUDGE!!!” like it’s a horrible crime to have moral standards and to “judge” someone who fucks other people over like they are meaningless turds.

  • Oh the discard. Elizabeth Gilbert is a flaming Narcissist. Once she was done with her 2 husbands, she proceeded with the discard, toss in the trash, move onto the next victim. I feel bad for Rayya, her new lover. It’s just a matter of time, before she also gets the discard. Yes I’m sure Elizabeth loves you, because we all know how capable Narcissists are in loving someone…

    • Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, Rayya will probably shuffle loose this mortal coil before Lizzy ever gets the chance to discard. The prognosis for Pancreatic cancer is usually not positive since it’s not typically found until it metastasizes somewhere else and it sounds like it might have since the cancer is in her liver too.

      So sad that her last moments on earth are going to be spent with narcissistilla the hun! I’m sure it will make a wonderful scene in her new fab book/movie. The minions, err audience watches with tear filled eyes as Liz steadfastly holds Rayya’s hand and watches her “slide away.” Fade to black.

      Vomit!

      • It is in poor taste to say anything disparaging about a woman with cancer, BUT Rayya is not exactly a paragon of virtue in this made-for-movie drama. No doubt these two women were having an affair of some sort before the big cancer unveil in February and we all know that folks who choose to pursue and be with married people and help deceive the innocent spouse are also shitty people. So I don’t think it is necessary for us to feel sorry for her being with narcissistilla.

  • Most narcs are whores. This one gets to sleep with a dying woman and then write a best selling book in the future about it. Get a movie made about it and become even richer and more famous. And the gay community will make her a hero. Ugh! Scum

  • Ah yes, the Terrible Illness kibble dispenser. Wasband has one, with a really awful disease. And a ton of money! But really–who can provide more centrality than someone who is increasingly debilitated, and thinks the sun rises and sets on you?

    Alas, this OW, was fucking my wasband before we divorced. So, yeah, to me, just another downgrade, eh?

    I find it very ironic, since I too have a chronic debilitating condition (just not as sexy), and it was one of the many reasons in the cheat-catalog that I got recited at me during the whole post DDay BS sessions.

  • Dear Individuals (because “Individuals” is a synonym for “Ones” but more honest about how I feel about you pathetic followers who live vicariously through my blog posts),

    As you may have suspected, I have consciously uncoupled from my partner of more than three years. My love for Officer Oliver is eternal, but the day-to-day of taking care of our infant, Helga, has signaled the end of our passionate adventure (even through I *really* believed my comvincing him to impregnate me would keep our spark alive, as opposed to cause our flame to wane. I guess he [not I, of course, as I’m special] couldn’t handle the job of lover and father at the same time, and I feel that we’ve been living together as bipolar roommates, which you know is not what I deserve. I wish him the best, and we will be linked together forever like flowers and spring!

    But, fret not, my lovely Individuals! For I have a new love! His name is Frederick, and he is a great conversationalist and easy on the eyes…as long as we stand together only in low or stroboscopic light at clubs, surrounded by people half our age, coked up and dancing as we are all meant to in our lives! Plus, Freddie already has six kids from four different women, so he’s got the parenting thing DOWN COLD! As with Oliver, we met at work, but this time our uptight employer stuck to the “rules” and decided that one of us must be let go. I made the sacrifice for the both is us, which is all I know how to do.

    Some of you may be asking whether Freddie is cause of the rebirth of my “butterfly” feeling since about the sixth month of my pregnancy with dear Helga. And you’d be right! After all, you can’t get knocked up when you’re already pregnant!

    And to those of you who will miss Officer O (wink!), don’t be so down! He’s already moved in with a beautiful mother of three working on her GED. That girl has a brain on her shoulders, so she’ll treat him right!

    I wish you all the best and that you undertake your journey of self-exploration and love in the same reckless, caution-to-the-wind manner that I have!

    PS, Blogging will be limited over the next two months, as I have embarked on a new adventure of moving back across the country and into my parents’ place, as and am seeking a new career path that better suits my need to explore! I’ve gained the wisdom that there is no greater expression of self than family!

  • I know of a man whose cheating ex decided that she was not only was a lesbian, but decided her true soul mate was her penniless 20 year younger lounge singer first cousin.

    It’s so nice to see so many barriers being broken so people can be “AUTHENTIC”. Screw the three kids from two marriages. “Love is love”, amirite?!

    The family was so proud.

  • Hello, fans!

    This is Rhys here! I wish you could all come with me on this magical journey that I’m taking to Europe with my love of the moment. Don’t worry, she’s totally cool with it! Rome is gorgeous, miss all of you and your cake dearly!

    (similar to a postcard he sent me)

  • Dear Loyal Fans, thank you so much for your wonderful support of my Self-help book “How to Successfully Exploit Women and Young Girls Without Getting Arrested”. It truly has been a Dupers Delight. It’s time, however, that I must confess my truth. Because my wife will no longer tolerate my pathological lying, cheating and emotional abuse I am now free to pursue my true love of forty years; my childhood friend George. Turns out I really love anal and have only pursued women and young girls so I can damage and destroy them. This should also put to rest any rumors about why the couch my wife and I had to toss smelled like ass. Thanks again suckers.

  • Again, in the vein of “these Disordered Freaks never change”, these people do not change, ever. This won’t be the last EG cheating story we hear of about her. File this under “They Never Change” and for anyone out there sitting on the fence thinking you have a unicorn: Again, They. Never. Change

    • I wrote above that I hope E.G.’s husband (Ex, yet?) gets ahead of this one and spills.

      They. Never. Change. — should be the title of his book! Three words. Decisive punctuation. Chump agony, not cheater spin. And best of all : TRUTH. What it’s really like.

      (I know. It’s unlikely he’ll do it. But a smart film producer or ghostwriter ought to JUMP to try to convince him.)

  • Dear brothers and sisters,
    After spending 20+ years trying to turn my husband into a christian I have has a revelation. Yes, 20+ years. He even acted better than most christian’s but wasn’t a devote one. He worked a demanding job and bought me a house in a safe neighborhood and I had the newest car always. But he didn’t go to church or read his bible. I had to do all that alone and later with my kids. Then divine intervention. I’m sure it was God! I met my daughters boyfriends dad. He was married at the time so nothing happened. But within a short time his wife left him accusing him of cheating. What? He was a youth minister before and was a founder of a local church here. Liar!!! How dare she spread a rumor like that! Anyway, I was having trouble with my husband. So, I discussed the bible with him and my marriage. And through this, I realized he and I should be together. He was truly the one God wanted me with (even though i told husband that). So we bonded! Many times! Husband asked my directly about my involvement with him which I had to tell him it was friends only. Husband even discussed divorce during that time. I quickly told him no to that. How the heck are two unemployed people to survive? So, I stayed in the marriage and told him what he needed to hear! Then one day Godly man ended it. I was crushed but never let on something was wrong. I went into deep depression and had physical issues arise but husband saw to it I saw medical professionals and got medicine or surgeries when needed. Then God took care of me. At the casino with my mom (husband was working as ususal) I ran into an old friend. A guy I knew from school. He wasn’t married and was interested in me. A new friend! Still married though. Well, a few months with him and I was ready for a divorce. I finally had the courage to tell husband and face future without him supporting me. He fought it like crazy and tried to become what I wanted. But 6 months later I had enough. Even though he found God. I told him about the 1st affair. He was upset but still wanted the marriage. He still told me to move out. I had to move in with my parents at first. Then he lost it! Filed for divorce and pursued custody of our daughters! What nerve! Well the divorced happened and now i get minimal child support because he did get 50/50 custody. But friend and I are together. We discuss the bible and God daily! Once I bought the marital home with my 1/2 of assets (paid for) boyfriend moved in. It was awesome. Neither of us worked and just did whatever. But then we had to pay for stuff??? So I got a minimum wage job. And X doesn’t do anything for me above child support. After all the years I was by his side. Yes, he does pay for 100% of kids stuff, but what about me. Boyfriend got a job but it only lasted a few weeks. He missed sleeping late and doing drugs all day! Then he turned bad as well. So I had to kick him out. Why the Post??? I need help brothers and sisters. They have all turned on me. I am still faithful to God and now I need your help. Please anything you can spare. God does say to take care of the widows and orphans. Be faithful children!

    • Stomach-turning, LostnTx. I don’t know how these Jesus cheaters can wake up each morning and stand to look at themselves in the mirror. Oh wait, they are narcissists, they love looking in the mirror. So sorry.

      • They’re phony and their time will come when they have to answer… It’s called judgment day. Muahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Hello All,

    It has come to my attention that happiness is very important. More specifically, MY happiness. In pursuit of that happiness, I have made the decision to walk away from my family and see what’s out there for me. I’m sure my wife and young child will be fine. I mean really, I’m doing this for them. At least, that’s what I told them. I know my wife is strong, loyal and faithful so I have the utmost confidence that I can go off and play the single life and she will take care of things at home without any concern that she will violate the agreement we made together to stay true to the marriage while we sort things out. Poor thing has no idea I have no intention of ever going back but she doesn’t need to know that because…cake is so delicious! She also doesn’t need to know that I will violate our agreement within four months with some trashy law school whore who thinks I am a sad sausage because my marriage fell apart. But it doesn’t really matter what she thinks because she’s cheating on her fiancée because she’s bored. Can you say soul mate? Squeal!!!

    Anyhow, even though that relationship built on lies didn’t quite work out, nor did my poor attempt at love bombing my next soul mate, I am still in pursuit of that happiness which is getting harder since my wife decided she’s done serving up cake and is filing for divorce. I really don’t understand her problem. I mean here I am trying to maintain the status quo of being married and not have to be troubled with pointless things like child support, and all she seems to be concerned with is that she’s been stuck in limbo for almost three years. Geez, it’s all about her needs suddenly after years of putting her life on hold. Can we please put the focus back on me and my needs? Happiness!!! Where is MY happiness??

    You know what’s funny though, I seem to be even less happy these days than I ever was during my marriage and my destructive behavior is out of control since my wife started limiting contact with me and is finally taking control of her life. Perhaps the whole marriage/family thing wasn’t the reason I was so unhappy? Maybe she was the one that was keeping me from going completely off the rails and into crazy town. Maybe the issue was not her but…whoops, have to stop there. Too much self-reflection isn’t good for that happiness thing. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes…Happiness!!!

  • Dear friends and family,
    I know I haven’t been in touch much, and I only seem to surface at obligatory holiday gatherings, or when I need something, but I want you to know that I consider us to be super close!! And I brag to my superficial acquaintances about how close I am to my family and childhood friends even though I only have contact once a year or so. I mean, I am important and have A LOT of stuff going on what with my stressful job where they don’t appreciate my brilliance, and all the toys I have to accumulate and maintain in order to show off to my superficial acquaintances. So how could I possibly have time to help my elderly mother move, or reach out to my old friend who’s wife died of cancer leaving him with four young kids? Anyhoo, you will all be thrilled to know that, luckily for you, all that is about to change, now that I need kibbles, er, support. I was shocked to find out that my wife is no longer willing to put up with my porn habit, anger management issues, and verbal of abuse of her and our kids. Furthermore, I am expecting that you will all support me unequivocally because Blood Is Thicker Than Water, and all that stuff. Plus she’s a cold, mean, sexless bitch who will never find anyone better than ME ME ME.

    Love ya (when it’s convenient), Douchewad

  • Dear Ones,

    You have perhaps heard recent whisperings of an unfortunate scene that happened at one of my popular yet shockingly non-financially sufficient self-improvement seminars. Because I always try to live in my truth, I will confirm for you that yes, it was unfortunately for the attendees, disrupted by the pregnant wife of a dear, dear friend of mine, a friend that I have been counseling through a dark period of his life. My close, soulmate-level platonic friend and I are giving her as much support as we can in this difficult time, no matter how strongly she resists our assistance–and to her own detriment, too!

    After all, I more than anyone know the emotional toll that womb-crafting another human life can take, especially for a woman like my friend’s wife, who is not in touch with her own spiritual power. If only she would listen to me, as my lovely, handsome friend has over these past few months, as he devoted thousands of dollars of their savings into my work, which aims to change the world for the better through the mystical powers of leaf-peeping, stone carving, and spiritual impartment into raw chicken eggs. As I told him during our most recent private retreat, which occurred alone, in my home, while my husband was away on a business trip, one day, his wife will be capable of seeing him for the towering figure of spiritual fulfilment he is, and will see that all the time and money he spends alone, with me, is actually good for their relationship, as he comes back to her a much less frustrated and angry individual. To be perfectly frank, one of the main reasons she receives so little of his anger is that he’s gone almost every weekend, whether or not he informs her beforehand that she is on her own for all child and household duties. It would be cruel to burden her more with details about his spiritual awakening, as on top of all the care she must take of their home and other children, she is very, very busy womb-crafting, and if often makes her sick and irrational, in body and mind.

    At any rate, I remain convinced that we will eventually be able to convince her of our holy and entirely spiritual connection, even if I have to give her a dozen magical raw chicken eggs to do so. Stay radiant, dear ones! Shanti Shanti!

      • Yeah, she WISHES she were Tony Robbins. But she can barely make ends meet peddling her BS (and chicken eggs) to whoever is willing to swallow that crap. And meanwhile, I’m unenlightened or whatever because I don’t understand the strength of their bond. (The husband, btw, when I informed him of all of this crap, freaked the F out, so I guess that makes him unenlightened, too.)

        • Is it awful that I’m imagining how much fun it would be to make juvenile trouble during an enlightenment seminar? Does she do that crazy throwing motion that Tony Robbins does where it looks like he’s shot putting a small man into outer space? I wish someone would put out a cheaterville wide bulletin that the old “soulmate/platonic friend/ I have too much character to do that” excuse has been in rotation for far too long. It’s actually getting comical.

          • I honestly don’t know what the fuck they do. It’s a cult. The man I married and bred with joined a cult. How do you plan for THAT? Totally blindsided. At least I didn’t let him suck me in, pregnancy hormones or no. Half the people in their cult have left their spouses for other people in the cult. But hey, Burning Man! My efforts now are to make sure he doesn’t suck the kids into it, or let their “permissive” culture wreck their sense of right and wrong. I also live in terror that the kids will get sick on his watch, and he’ll hit them with his voodoo form of “all Western medicine is evil” magical thinking.

            • Allie – ‘Half the people in their cult have left their spouses for other people in the cult.’

              What the hell is THIS?
              Did I miss an earlier post from you?
              I would have NO idea how you would battle something like a cult and keep your kids out of it.
              That is one scary situation.
              I hope you have a good lawyer and a lot of help to break free of this creep.
              Please keep us posted.

              We had a cult formed out of our small community on the west coast.
              They took many mothers from their families, many fathers as well, and many children and just disappeared. Very bizarre.
              They showed up years later in AZ where they were following the Hale-Bopp comet eventually and everybody committed suicide in the end.
              Typical cult.
              https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heaven%27s_Gate_(religious_group)

              • Yeah, it’s not that kind of cult. It’s very hippy dippy and filled with very rich people who feel soulless and empty and are more than happy to pay “life coaches” “psychics” “astrologers” “shamans” and other parasitic hangers on thousands and thousands of dollars to tell them they are actually really good people and it’s Western Society that is wrong and OMG, we should all just take a page from “indigenous cultures” man. (WHICH indigenous cultures? Who cares! They all must be better than this soul-sucking “Western society”, man!) I would not be surprised if several of them hung out with EG. It’s not “OMG, they will disappear my children and commit mass suicide.” It’s more like “Are these people for real with their crystals and their past-life regression therapy?

  • I would write out a hypothetical, but in true “you cannot make this shit up” fashion, my cheater did address his adoring fans on Facebook. I cannot remember the entry verbatim, but it acknowledged the Ashley Madison leak scandal. He waxed sentimental about God’s love, the power of prayer, how he had so tremendously fallen, and how grateful he is to still have the support that he has in his “friends”, Jesus, and (completely dysfunctional) family.

    It didn’t take me long to read between the lines. He mentioned the AM scandal because “See, everyone does this! It’s not just me! It was just a mistake! She’s my twu wuv and we are going to be together forever!” And, I think that he wanted people to feel sorry for him/see him in a better light. “Oh! He’s repentant! He’s struggling! He isn’t to blame for this horrible situation. He’s a VICTIM! We stood by him and he appreciates it sooooo much! Let’s throw a party in his honor! Does anyone know all of the bars to ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’ on the harmonica?”

    Luckily, I could see it for what it was and so could all of my (bright and genuine) non-Switzerland friends…

    • I had a Jesus cheater too! They love to play the God card and then act as if they are the victim. My STBX actually thinks he is absolved of all responsibility for his actions. The lying, cheating, trips, breaking of the marriage covenant, and causing me the worst pain/loss of my life is not his fault. He is the victim because I didn’t take him back. His dysfunctional family also supports his delusional belief system.

      • His parents literally told me “the devil made him do it.” Their solution? Something I like to refer to as “pray the stray away”: pray 5 times @ 20 minutes each prayer per day. Guess it isn’t a proven method.

        The Jesus cheaters are the most committed to impression management in my opinion. Otherwise, how are they going to get into Heaven? I mean, cheating isn’t a MAJOR sin, and as long as they repent, all is forgiven. Spoiler alert: being a Christian and trusting in Jesus’ forgiveness does not grant you Carte Blanche to be a complete and utter asshole.

        • “The Jesus cheaters are the most committed to impression management in my opinion.”

          And they get tons of support from dysfunctional family and friends to help them. A win-win for everyone. Barf.

          • True, the same people, (family and friends) who X ignored and ridiculed are now his best friends. Their friendship will last as long as they serve a purpose.
            I realize now X is as pathetic as he said they were and they deserve each other’s two-face fake friendships.

  • Also, GUARANTEED she writes a sappy, contrived book about her last days with her “True Love”. That shit-haired, sanctimonious post should have had dollar signs interspersed throughout to represent the ones in her eyes right now. And, you know who probably gives the best kibbles? People whose days on this earth are numbered. This woman is truly a sociopathic, narcissistic parasite.

  • Dear Harem,

    I know you are listening as I have spent more than a decade complaining to you how my wife of 15 years is the most horrible creature on earth. She has failed in everyway as a wife and most importantly failed to meet my needs…I mean my need for secret porn stashes and illicit sex with ‘friends of the family”. Since my wife absolutely refuses to have sex with me, I have no choice but to bring my latest conquest into our home under the guise of needing a babysitter and fuck her every chance I get under my wife’s nose in front of my two toddler children. No matter, they are too small, they won’t know what I’m doing. I’m not committing any crimes. Even if I video tape us having sex and one of them just might be in the frame of the camera.

    And since I’m also a Peeping Tom, I’ll drill holes in the bathroom wall in the handicapped bathroom at my church as it is conveniently located next to sound room where I’m supposed to be serving the Lord as a sound technician. You see my wife gained some weight with having my two children and I’m no longer attracted to her, so I’ll just peep for kicks and when that is not enough, set up video cameras in my own bathroom so when I bring the OW over during the day while my wife is at work and I should be watching my kids, I might be able to catch her take a whizz. But that isn’t a reason for my wife to be concerned as our boy and girl approach puberty.

    And when caught with the OW, my wife bitch kicked me and my darling girlfriend out of the house! How dare she tell me that I cannot have my whore and her too! How dare she file for divorce and force me to pay child support? Doesn’t she know I need that money to LIIIIVE? To support the OW as she has no skills other than to fuck me and be my ‘friend” and that doesn’t bring an income! And just where and I supposed to live? I screwed over my parents and made them lose their house, so I have nowhere to go now! You mean I actually have to live on MY salary? I thought I could just financially rape my marriage and then use the money to ride off into the sunset with the retarded OW(as she is the only one who would have me now)!!Everybody join me in calling my wife…I mean now ex-wife a MEANIE!

    • Wow people can be truly demented! I’m so sorry you have kids with it and hope some way you can get custody of them and he can only get supervised visits. I also hope you recover and have strong people around to help you through it all!

      • I have full custody, luckily he didn’t fight me on it. The visits are unsupervised but I made sure to educate my kids well and as they are heading into puberty they are seeking privacy more now. So they will likely notice if something is off. He really doesn’t want to RAISE the kids (aka the play dates that are 4 days a month on average) as that is way too much trouble so he often pans them off on his mother or siblings…that he is actually not watching him most of the time is how I stay sane.

    • “And since I’m also a Peeping Tom, I’ll drill holes in the bathroom wall in the handicapped bathroom at my church as it is conveniently located next to sound room where I’m supposed to be serving the Lord as a sound technician.”

      That’s a crime, if he was really doing that…multiple crimes, against multiple women and most probably, some underaged girls. If he set up a camera at home, he may have done the same at church.

      I hope that the police were notified of that and the church at large was informed, since there were obviously some victims had their rights violated, if this isn’t fictional. It really should have been reported and investigated. Voyeurism / filming people against their will is some really bad stuff and a SEX CRIME.

      • I wish I was making this up. Unfortunately even though my pastor was notified, nothing has been done about this issue. Although I found the spy cameras he was using, I never found the memory chips so I didn’t have the hard proof. I knew he was guilty but hard to procecute. My situation was so complicated that by the time I found out about this, It had to stand in line behind the 5 other issues I was dealing with at the same time. I found out that some of these acts are indeed felonies but by the time I found out, the statute of limitations had run out. I decided to concentrate on divorcing him as soon as possible to protect me and the kids as there were (and still is) financial issues directly related to the divorce that could tank me financially for a long time. He is a very sick person and honestly, my clergy was so stunned that they didn’t even know what to tell me. All throughout this I was dealing with my mom being sick and dying from Parkinson’s, my ex having stage 4 cancer, but still managing to cheat throughout, and me just trying to keep from falling apart. I had to put my son in therapy for 3 years, I have been in counseling for 5 years. I am so emotionally drained I just want out…..

        • Oh Kurleegirl, I’m so sorry if my comment came across as judging you about that! I didn’t mean it that way…I had a very evil man in my life too and it’s impossible to react to all of their sickness and evil deeds. It is impossible! I do not in any way think you are responsible for confronting him or cleaning up after his probable crimes. You did the right thing, brought it to the attention of the church leadership. When I wrote that comment I was actually feeling upset about the church’s responsibility in the matter, because this happens a lot, there are a lot of perverts who are active in churches because of the access to victims and religious “good guy” cover. I’m familiar with many, many highly publicized situations where churches and pastors turned a blind eye to sexual abuse, and even going as far as to protect, support and cover-up for pedophiles and voyeurs on their staff or as volunteers. So sorry that you and your children have to continue to have your ExH in your lives, as he is obviously really sick. I wish you and your loved ones much safety and peace from all of the turmoil.

      • I wish I was making this up. Unfortunately even though my pastor was notified, nothing has been done about this issue. Although I found the spy cameras he was using, I never found the memory chips so I didn’t have the hard proof. I knew he was guilty but hard to procecute. My situation was so complicated that by the time I found out about this, It had to stand in line behind the 5 other issues I was dealing with at the same time. I found out that some of these acts are indeed felonies but by the time I found out, the statute of limitations had run out. I decided to concentrate on divorcing him as soon as possible to protect me and the kids as there were (and still is) financial issues directly related to the divorce that could tank me financially for a long time. He is a very sick person and honestly, my clergy was so stunned that they didn’t even know what to tell me. All throughout this I was dealing with my mom being sick and dying from Parkinson’s, my ex having stage 4 cancer, but still managing to cheat throughout, and me just trying to keep from falling apart. I had to put my son in therapy for 3 years, I have been in counseling for 5 years. I am so emotionally drained I just want out…..

  • Dear Hes and Shes and Sheep,

    Because “Dear Ones” does not quite as explicitly let everyone know that I will fuck absolutely anyone of any gender and probably any species! I am so excited to let you know of the new “greener pastures” in which I find myself! It seems that my wife disapproves of my secret drinking, drug use, affairs with married women, and yes, a high school boyfriend I’ve been fucking for the past 30-plus years. I offered to go to marriage counseling with her in lieu of changing any of these behaviors and I am truly amazed that she declined! She is churlish and has no desire to FIX our marriage so I am now living in this really cool (and really small and really roach infested) bachelor pad! I charge my bar bills on the joint VISA nightly just to let her know how much I miss her! And my boyfriend, who likes to go by his middle name Christian because he is so close with God, flies down every month to help me “break in” my new couch and new mattress … the only two pieces of furniture I own in this exciting bachelor pad located in a run-down neighborhood filled with tattoo parlors and title loan shops. Life is really good, I tell you! I even get to see my child every other weekend which is actually more often than when we were living in the same house. And the settlement I signed is full of lots of confusing big words followed by large dollar amounts that seem a bit ominous, yet I really don’t have a clue what any of it means and I am certain my life will continue to be grand when the agreement takes effect in about 2 months! Let’s all raise a glass (or eight!) to whatever it is that might be in that legally signed document! Woo Hoo!! Because if it is one thing I am sure of, my soon-to-be-ex wife has always loved me and put me first and I am certain she wouldn’t be so petty as to wish to deny me happy times with my boyfriend!!! I will post again when I find out just how awesome that settlement turns out to be … stay tuned Hes and Shes and Sheep!

    Clueless Shithead

  • To everyone in Switzerland:
    As you all know, it has been a trying time since the decision to put my husband in jail after he restrained me per my orders after I stabbed him in the back with a small pair of scissors. Since the custody evaluator decided that I was borderline and bipolar and ordered that I be supervised with the kids, I have made the difficult decision to start over again and create a new family. Since I got remarried on the day the divorce was signed to a nice fatherly figure who is 19 years older than me, I am certain he will make a good father given his advanced age and am making great progress on replacing my four kids who I have not seen in 18 months (since my legal appeals have failed against the tyrany of being ordered to go to therapy by the court), by having a new baby 10 months after getting married and I am proud to announce that I am now carrying twins. Unfortunently, this means that child support will still be delayed since this is my tenth high risk pregnancy which will require bedrest and being a stay at home mom is the most important thing in the world to me. I know some of you will express concern that it puts me in exactly the same situation I was in when I said I was abused and controlled by that bastard who I threw in jail and now is taking care of my 4 kids. That bastard makes enough money to raise the kids without help and in fact he should be paying me since I am the one who went thru child birth. Maybe someday the court will stop making these crushing demands of child support and mental health requirements that are completely unfair and I can be in contact with all of my kids. Hopefully with God’s blessing I can have even more kids. God Bless.

      • Thank you both. This was actually a fun project. We are beyond comedy and into lifetime movie stage. Now that the appeals court has ruled, documents are now starting to be public. In my state, most divorce work is private but appeals cases are public records. I am in a much better place now, so are the kids, and life moves on.

    • I am so sorry for you and your kids, and even her new kids. No one deserves to have a spouse like that, but it’s horrible for kids to have a parent like that. I’ve said before that my dad got full custody and it was the absolute best thing that happened to me. Your kids are lucky to have a good dad.

    • Sadly, I just found out that this comment, made in jest with a little bit of knowledge, turns out to be completely true.

  • Dearest Believers of Unicorns,

    I am here to sprinkle my glittery sparkles and tell you how long I suffered in anonymity in my household – unappreciated for sitting on my ass and playing Xbox all night (well, in between checking my 8 email accounts and 10 personal ad sites) and ignoring my teenage children while my unappreciative wife put they baby to bed. But now I have found my one twu wuv AT THE GYM! How lucky for me to find someone who will truly appreciate me. She’ll put me first – where I DESERVE to be. Who cares if she has young children to raise… she sees my SPARKLES and will cater to my every whim… oh and her Dad is a millionaire business owner (BONUS!).

    Forgive me, I must abandon my loyal, love-blind, bankroll wife #2 and ride off to the sunset of happiness with the OW. (Won’t she be surprised when she finds out I’m BI!)

    Hugs and Kisses,
    Mr. Sparkles

    p.s. If I lose the OW – I’ll go back to the wife… afterall, she’ll be missing me sooooo much.

  • I remember feeling sorry for her boyfriend (or husband?) in Gilbert’s book, “Eat, Pray, Love,” because it didn’t seem like he did anything to cause her to “fall out of love.” Basically, she just seemed messed up. To be honest, I think she’s more in love with the drama she creates in her relationships than with the people themselves. Maybe it makes good material for her writing.

    Anyway, I don’t really have to go too far out of reality to come up with my ex’s social media post:

    To all the little people,

    Many of you know that I love horses more than people, and although my wife likes them, she doesn’t love them. For that reason, I will be riding off into the sunset with my former grad student, who shares the same passion for horses that I do. She’s thrilled to shovel stalls with me, and always tells me how wonderful I am, which has nothing to do with me being her boss/former professor. She worships me in a way that my wife never has, and it has nothing to do with her being a lot younger than me. My wife, on the other hand, just shovels stalls silently. She doesn’t do it because she loves horses, she only does it because she loves me. This is unacceptable. Once I get my coworker/love-of-my-life to leave her husband, we’re going to live on a big farm and help people through the awesome horse business we build together. Just remember, I don’t have to follow society’s rules, I can make my own.

    Sincerely,
    Horse’s Ass

    • Great writing Lyn….Sounds like your ex didn’t have much luck with the sheep, so he became a horse whisperer.

      #onewhowhisperstohorsesorwhorses

        • Lyn, I remember an email from my Ex (supposedly) addressed to everyone, and I do mean everyone, in his family coming in late at night. It caused a whole shit storm. A lot of family members had no idea that Mr. Perfect had fallen off the rails and was head over heels “in lurve” with a MOW he had hooked up with on Facebook so it was all exposed in this little “to my family” letter. It exposed his affair, but made it sound like he finally found the angel he needed to make his life complete! It waxed poetic about the beauty of their love and how special it was! In the final paragraph it announced that they would “leave the door open” for family who wanted to rejoice in their newfound “lurve”, but if they were not willing to accept them then they had no need for negativity! YUCK!
          There were only a few things wrong with this “announcement” of true lurve, not to mention just the subject of the letter itself. Number one, Mr. Sparkles could not have written the email because it was written and sent so late at night that everyone who really knows Mr. Geriatric knew he was asleep at least two hours before the time stamp. Number Two, Schmoopie had a distinctive writing style and use of words so it was obvious she had composed the letter of confession. Number Three, and the most damning evidence, the letter was sent to everyone on his family email list. Okay right? WRONG! Two people on the list were deceased, a couple of others were divorced, there were nieces and nephews that had no clue what was going on and his Mother, who was deep in dementia by then, also got the letter!
          Turns out it was a poor attempt by Schmoopie to cement our separation and divorce so we would look stupid if we reconciled. Also she wanted to get her foot in the door to the family, so the letter described her as good enough to be the second coming of Christ himself disguised as a short, fat, bleached blond bimbo! Who knew? What a great disguise!
          Of course everyone saw through it and had a great laugh.

            • She was a piece all right! A piece of ass, a piece of shit! Just pick one or all. She was a sneaky little snake. When she was done ruining my marriage she was done with “the lurve of her life!” YUCK! I had her pegged from the beginning when my Ex insisted I friend her on Facebook. She always left a bad taste in my mouth and I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but my senses told me she wasn’t what she presented herself to be and I was right! I couldn’t convince my Ex, he found out I was right the hard way!

  • What Gilbert really meant by “til death do us part” with green-card Hubby was “Til the impending death of my best friend.”

  • “Dear Room Moms & Dads,”

    “You might be wondering why I have been so glowing and happy lately!! Well, I told Rob that my most recent AP with yet another married man w/kids makes me feel sooooo good. I totally trust my newest AP and I am soooo in-love with this married man. He is just so shiny and sparkly. Yeah I know I have shown you this same happiness in the past with my previous AP’s like Rob’s best friend and Rob’s sisters husband, but this newest married man is the shiniest of them all!!

    I just couldn’t understand why Rob wasn’t happy for me. He was spewing some toxic drivel like – marriage vows and an intact family. He was acting all devastated. He has always been so overly dramatic. He couldn’t seem to understand why I haven’t mentioned my unhappiness and me not being in-love with him….Duuuhhhh! Then he had the nerve to ask me why I would then tell him that I loved him EVERY.SINGLE.DAY? Well duuuhhhh like I’m going to tell him that I don’t love him EVERY.SINGLE.DAY…. gosh he is soooo stupid! I mean he seems to thinks that communication is more important than my happiness. The best part is that since Rob is a good earner, I get to have him facilitate my own happiness!! How awesome and fabulous is this? But here is the best news… I can also help you find happiness outside your marriage also….cake is soooo delicious….and then you can let me know what a great person I am!! There are zero consequences!”

    With love,
    Your prettiest and tannest room mom

      • Haha Dixie,The ex was/is so predictable. While I was married and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. she appeared “excessively tanned” (usually from fake n bakes) – you can rest assure that the rest of her debauchery and destructive behaviors would follow (affairs, cocaine, stealing (from grocery and dept stores), alcohol, compulsive shopping & texting). This is her pattern.

        Earlier this year in the midst of winter here in Chicago, I noticed she was excessively tan. The first thing I did was the sign of the cross. To no surprise to me the same destructive behaviors came with a vengeance but that’s another post.

    • I can’t believe you weren’t just as happy for her and she was happy for her. What a bitch. It just pisses me off when they basically get paid off for cheating. At first my only comfort came after Fucktard signed over everything in the settlement agreement. He now has nothing but debt. What a hard pill you had to swallow. I’m sorry for it.

      • Thanks Annie,

        Actually Im not sorry for it anymore. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Could of done without all the extreme and intentional pain but if thats the cost to rid yourself of a toxic soul sucking leach, bring it on.

        My 3 little birds (15,14,13) and I share a love that is the most authentic and precious gift that anybody can be given.

  • Its funny and sad at the same time…that people like her are so oblivious to how shallow they are…how small their world is…how limited their understanding of love. Its pitiful.

  • Wow, your ex is really from Pittsburgh? I knew you mentioned PA but I always thought it was out east. You’re talking about my neck of the woods and I can attest to the misogynist deer hunter…lol. But my ex is from true red neck territory. Ha ha. :).

  • Seeing his face on Facebook reminded me of times gone by. Twenty-five years have passed and just the thought of him made my heart flutter! He is muscular and full of tattoos! I remember how we were in the seventh grade so young and it was true love! Does it matter he is addicted to drugs and alcohol? No because true love can conquer all things!

    Six months later, he says he doesn’t want me. I am heartbroken and down. Oh look, I am being hit on by a 26 year old…. He is so charming! I am sure he wants more than sex…. I am entitled to some fun…. after all my husband is an ass and I was just dumped by the love of my life!

  • Dear fans, supporters and sycophants,

    As you know from the previous 3 months of furious MySpace postings… I have been seeing only one other woman for a few months. Yes that’s right, only ONE. However, tonight, both my wife and girlfriend dumped me and went to the bar together to get laid. Please feel so very sorry for me. I don’t know what to do without multiple women with lives revolving around me. Also, they’re both whores for going to get laid by someone other than me. Call them dirty names to make me feel better.

    Insincerely, everything revolves around my penis.

    (Inspired by a real MySpace post by my exhole. OW stopped by the house. She realised he was most definitely still involved with his wife and I realised he had not stopped seeing OW during wreckonciliation. We did both dump him and went to the bar to get drunk, not laid. Which resulted in his fake suicide attempt, his family getting mad at me for his crazy behavior -then they learned her kids were not actually biologically his like he was claiming….he was simply a dirty cheater- and his female “friends” telling me on MySpace that none of it would have happened if I hadn’t been such a jealous bitch. Weee!)

    Here’s the “if he swung the other way now” version.

    Dear friends, family, fans and sycophants,

    I have realized that all the ball slapping and grab ass games I play with my band mates have deeper meanings than we all thought. As much as I like having my ‘ego’ stroked by the females, I prefer the outright worship of the younger guys in the crowd. Having them stroke my ‘ego’ makes my image management (and collateral damage) all worth it. They worship me, I worship me, it’s perfect! Anyway, I know you’ll all support me despite all the truly horrible shit I’m putting everyone through. Because I’m just that awesome.

    Love , the biggest dick in the world.

    • Wow, a fake suicide attempt is the ultimate pity play. Guaranteed to swing those people sitting on the fence about who to side with.

      • Love it – mine threatened twice to get me to accept the sexual non-situation, and after reading C/L, I wish I would have called 911 who would have held him overnight for ‘evaluation’, while I popped my corn. Oh…the what if’s…

  • I think “gilberting” should be a verb…. or “He/she is a 4th level gilbert” may be used in the psychiatric community.

    —————————
    Dear friends and readers. My autobiographical book, “Me, not We” continues to stay on the NYT Best Seller list, so thank you so much.

    It is with some sadness I announce that I am divorcing my husband. Circumstances I could not control have caused me to acknowledge that the love I have for my dear friend Barbaraba. She had chronic athlete’s foot, and I have a large supply of antifungal powder. Many people don’t realize the scourge and pain of foot fungal infections, so I realized that I must start an intense romantic and sexual relationship with her.

    Did I mention it is romantic and we are of the same gender? That’s right, that means we are gay, and since gay people have been marginalized and discriminated against for centuries means that you can’t say anything critical about me. Also, last March we went to Mardi Gras together, you remember Hurricane Katrina those years ago? Not funny, how dare you judge us.

  • “imagine that your cheater is a best-selling author with a social media following”

    Not so much of a stretch for me because my ex really DOES claim to be an author (hey, he had a book signing at a donut shop in Cleveland!), actor, film festival host, anti-bullying advocate, dancer, singer and creator of a system that allows you to cure your illness through the power of your thoughts. And back when I still was in contact, he had well over 5,000 “friends” on Facebook, not that he actually knew any of them.

    And he DID recently announce (or at least tell our son) about a big career switch coming up……. in 2018. He said that’s when he is going to go back to work as…..

    wait for it

    wait for it

    a loan consultant in the banking industry, just like he was before we divorced! I laughed when son told me this, and told him that if his dad actually intended to work at anything beyond cook in a county fair French fry trailer, he’d be doing it now, not in 2018.

  • Sorry CL, I can’t do this creative exercise. There is something about these disordered folks that is…ummm….sort of boring after a while. EG’s announcement is like something out of a publicist’s play book. Personally, I think EG is a great PSA for us to understand the mind of the npd/bpd. (http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/28/magazine/confessions-of-a-seduction-addict.html?_r=0 ) She continues to be a trainwreck in her personal life.

    I admit I used to get upset by my XH’s activities in the year or two post DD#2/divorce. Gradually, I started to embrace the “not my circus, not my flying monkeys” philosophy. It really works!

    Meh

      • If you want to watch a YouTube video (great free meditation on there) you have to watch a Gilbert ad where she is teaching for Udemy. If you look into het eyes, she looks completely deranged. She even has the aww shucks vibe going…I guess I am teacher now? Fake humility. She also (catty remark alert) like something that got caught in the drain.
        Lying does take a lot of energy.

    • I cant wait for it to be boring. The casualness with which my X blew up my life and he never missed a partying beat….stops me in my tracks. It scares me that someone can be so ruthless, entitled, selfish and shitty….and I “loved” him.

  • As for Elizabeth “of the blazing narcissistic personality disorder” Gilbert, I don’t buy that she’s suddenly gay, and certainly don’t believe she’s in love with the best friend. She is merely moving on to her next publicity stunt. Screwing around with yet another dude wouldn’t get her that much attention, but “falling in love” with a woman — no less her cancer-ridden best friend — well that’s got to be the ultimate in “spotlight shines on me” attention and publicity. And to make it even better (well, at least better in EG’s mind), once the friend dies of pancreatic cancer, can you imagine how EG is going to play the “grieving widow” role and the amount of attention (and book offers, maybe even a movie!) that is going to bring? And there’s even more benefit for EG….. as her “soul mate” lady love is terminal, this whole charade won’t have to continue that long, and I absolutely guarantee you that after the friend passes away and EG finishes milking the death for all it’s worth, she’s going back to men. She’s no more a lesbian than I am, she’s nothing but an attention whore.

    I do feel sorry for the friend, because pancreatic cancer normally means a Whipple procedure, which is the surgery from hell, plus who wants to spend their dying days as the publicity stunt for the NPD poster child?

    • Nailed it Glad. Combine the terminal illness kibbles with Mother Teresa kibbles, and you have a combination that is irresistible to a empathy deficient, attention starved, calculating, character challenged and greedy cluster “B”. Gay…..my rosy red ass!

  • My X’s social media announcement:

    “Dear Hoi Polloi:
    I will soon be embarking on my worldwide tour to promote my new book on “Consciousness in Animals” and delivering a pitch as to why their ability to feel pain means that we should be kind to them. Yes, I know fish and honeybees are considered ‘lower life forms’ (much the way I think about my former wives and graduate student lovers), but animals did not DO anything to deserve poor treatment. [It goes without saying that both Tempest and my former wife were maritally deficient, which is why I was forced to serially cheat on them. Plus, they weren’t really as hurt as they let on; it was just to get attention. But I digress.]

    Should any of you intellectual underlings desire to come to my book signings and kiss the proverbial ring (metaphoric meaning only; I never was keen on wearing that wedding ring), please be sure to have a fully-formed, syntactically correct question for me; nothing annoys me more than the great unwashed stammering (unless it’s because you’re gushing over me).

    Sincere vestrum (hint: that’s Latin),
    Hannibal Lecher”

  • Now that I think about it, Elizabeth Gilbert will come out as a transgender in a year or two. She’s always wanted to be a man, but has always suppressed her true self. She would wear men’s clothing when with Rayya, always felt like a male inside and she can’t take it anymore; She must express her authentic self! Plea$e help her expre$$ her true $elf and plea$e under$tand her predicament and kindly $upport her in her new book deal. $o $orry loved one$$$$$ (from FindingBliss).

    • Ian…knowing my X…I am not 100% sure he would not cross species. Some of the women he has been with look like Sleestacks from The Land of the Lost.

      • LOL!!! The Land of the Lost … now there’s a memory! Your picture makes you WAY too young to know about Sleestacks!!!

        • Thanks!?
          I may be a chump but I look sort of young. I am 40. My skin is so oily it ruins cell phones! But my mom always told me the skin problems would help me on day.
          I have the box set of Land of the Lost! I love that show.

  • Dear every single waitress and their slutty waitress friends who could be potential threesome material,
    I’ve always appreciated your fondness of my great looks… one glance at me and you come prancing over with those eyes that let me know that you’re down for whatever, whenever, wherever. You even tell me which days you are working so that I can stop by without that troll of mine. Do I have a GF? Who me? You mean that PITA that always cries and whines that I’m PA and don’t treat her right when all I do is sing songs to her with wonderful double meanings and joke with my misogynist friends about the girl with the DD’s that I got to hook up with right in front of her? Yeah, I don’t know if I really like her all that much… Besides, she’s not the boss of me. So anyway, enough about that insignificant troll who helps me with the house and my kids and somehow puts up with my withholding of sex… Do you like to camp deep in the woods? It’s one of the best ways I know to keep that pesky gf of mine from discovering what I’m doing when I’m supposed to be doing guy stuff with the guys. For people like me, that involves hunting (or rather hunting for fresh meat) and fishing (well you can guess what that means. Let’s just say that I LOVVVVVVVVVVVVE taco Tuesdays!!! Oh yeah!) Long story short, I hope you will support me in keeping her in the dark because honestly, I would hate to have to start all over again looking for a new chump. P.S. my birthday is coming up soon! Hint hint, wink wink!
    Signed, A-hole

  • Dear friends, family and clients,
    I, along with my wife of 16 years, MissDeltaGirl, and our daughter, Caledonia, joyfully announce the birth of our son, Baby Bear, who despite a difficult and life-threatening labor and delivery during which we nearly lost him 3 times, emerged a whopping and healthy 10 pounds one ounce! I have been anxiously awaiting this day for months!!!!! And now that the baby has safely arrived, I have a very important announcement to make, a message I promised someone very special to me that I would make just as soon as the baby was delivered. You see, I realized that I haven’t been happy for a long time. And that I never get to do what I want to do. And that I love my wife but I am just not in love with her anymore. And she is always making me do things that I don’t want to do — you know, things like drop our daughter off at daycare so my wife can get to her six-figure-earning job that finances my businesses, and stuff like helping set up the nursery to prepare for the new baby. When what I really wanna be doing is reading the latest issue of Cowboys and Indians and watching reruns of Magnum P.I. So I’m pleased to announce that I am starting a new phase of my life: the “I Wanna Do What I Wanna Do” phase. Joining me in my new life will be my office assistant, Lisa Marie, who has been there for me through thick and thin (or should I just say “thick,” wink wink) during the past nine months while my wife has been busy being pregnant. I know my wife must approve of Lisa Marie as she is the one who hired Lisa Marie in the first place — to help take the stress of running a small business off my back, and boy did I get my money’s worth! She doesn’t actually come to the office much but that’s ok I just schedule all our meetings off site. So, if you need my company’s architectural services, be sure to contact my design staff directly since I will be off Doing What I Wanna Do. And in the meantime, feel free to take my wife and kids a casserole or something. And if any of you guys out there are free it would be great if you could pinch hit for me at Daddy Daughter Reading Day at my daughter’s preschool next week – I’ve got a four-day meeting scheduled with Lisa Marie in the mountains.
    Thanks in advance for all the well wishes.
    Now, I’m off to shave my pubes.
    See ya!
    El Jefe

    P. S. The above is a bona-fide work of non-fiction, right down to the nicknames and the closing words. I kid you not.

      • MissDeltaGirl, this is probably the saddest post I have read in a long time. I just puked a little in my mouth.
        I’m appalled at the entitlement and focus on himself, but I know it shouldn’t surprise me.
        Sounds like he had no plans to be there for his big, heavy, bouncing baby boy – how sickening.
        You should have been given an Elizabeth Taylor diamond for delivering that big boy.
        I’m so sad for the little guy and your girl that they have a father like this. It sounds like you’ll be the sane parent.
        I’m so sorry.

        • Don’t be sorry. I’m 11 years out, and have been doing great for the past 9 years. Remarried for 8. I drove the karma bus right over my x and got the kids adopted out from under him by current hubby. My life is fantastic!!!!!! Still it was fun to play the game and write this “letter” based on real life words and actions from x.

          • And I guess to me the letter is funny at this stage of the game. I meant for this to be funny, people!!!! But at the time those things were heartbreaking and stunning. But soon enough I began to see the irony and humor – where it existed – in x’s joke of a life. Please know that while all of those things really happened kids and I came out ok and karma has overtaken x so many times I have lost count. X on the other hand still doesn’t realize karma has hit him. Just last month he called to ask out my recently divorced best friend!!!! WTF??? She turned him down so fast his head is still spinning.

            • Wow – I think I knew that MDG! Been reading you a long time.
              So glad you are happily on the other side of the torment.

    • I could have written this…except that my STBX walked out when I was 6 months pregnant after 20 years of marriage and two other kids (early teens). That unexpected late arrival “made him more miserable than he had ever been in his life.” Of course, he waited to drop the bomb about the 24 year old side piece he has had for over a year until 4 weeks after my c-section. And it has been one discovery after another ever since, including an out of wedlock child he had 2 years ago with someone only eleven years younger (instead of twenty one). The ability of these people to deceive is unbelievable and amazingly disordered.

  • To My Adoring Fans,

    Most of you know that I have been floundering in the deepest pit of despair and depression for the last few years (lying as much as I do, takes its toll on one’s mental health after all). My life has been a veil of tears and sadness, bereft of care and attention from those who should have been closest to me. No one understands my needs and no one has loved for me for the last 3, 5, 10, 25 years. Not my wife, not my three children. If I ever looked happy or acted happy, it was all an act.

    So, it is with the greatest joy and happiness I would like to announce my departure on a “journey to find my happiness”. So far, the journey has included moving into an apartment with rent higher than the mortgage on the family home, drinking expensive scotch all day every day, and reconnecting with my former mistress (don’t judge me, I was UNHAPPY!). No matter that ex-mistress is married to someone else now… she and she alone is my true friend… and after she gives birth to her husband’s baby, who knows what could happen?

    The Pretender

  • Dear World,

    I am so misunderstood, it brings tears to my eyes. They are crocodile tears, but no one will notice. I had a Machiavellian plan of using my partner for her money, as I was never attracted to her AT ALL. I even admitted this to our family friend, but categorically denied it when this truth come out. In fact, I even told my partner she’s not letting me have sex with other women, while I was in an exclusive relationship with her. That whore! How dare she put restrictions on me?! If you love someone, you certainly don’t put conditions on someone. Nevermind, that I incessantly called her, checked up on her at all times of the day, while she carried on her normal unsuspecting life.

    She is soooo naive and stupid. I only need to tell her what she wants to hear, until it takes her months to figure out I don’t mean any of it. I don’t earn nearly as much as she does, but I will act more worthy than her and tell her to buy me expensive things. I also planned on quitting my job and moving into her new home, at the age of 41 and have her support a grown ass man like me. What I only cost food, nothing else. I also told her that she should stop taking her birth control pills so we can have a baby but I don’t want a wedding. My plans to trap her were so ironclad, that I can’t believe that mega bitch figured it out and foiled all my plans. I just don’t know what happened?!!! I am DYING and have called her incessantly whimpering on the phone, apologizing, telling her so; WHY oh WHY won’t that idiot give me another chance?? I can’t believe she’s so selfish, so sensitive, and self-centered that she ended up BLOCKING me on all venues. I can’t believe she doesn’t want ME! Life is so unfair! WAHHHH AHHHHH!!!

    Signed – Mental Nutcase

    • Kellia, if you love someone their happiness should be foremost without stupid restrictions such as fidelity.
      After all, he did tell you what you wanted to hear.
      Poor guy, making repeated phone calls checking up on you, being manipulative, lying is hard work, had to be exhausting.., not to mention how much effort it takes to make those Crocodile tears..,
      Pathtic.
      What is the saying.., “If you love someone set them free..,” mental case needs to be set free.

      (I’m familiar with Crocodile tears, X used them at every opportunity for sympathy)

      • I agree Brit!! He was so entitled, like he was doing me a favor. He thought I was weak and dumb, that I’d stay after what he told me, but he underestimated me. I nailed his ass and dumped him without warning. He was a charlatan, and I went down with a TKO! I wish I hit him even harder…

  • Dear Adoring Fans of my Authenticity:

    In my world love is a journey and not a destination. Looking back at the road kill I’ve accomplished on my journey I, I!, I…I….I am truly happy with my latest true love, please ignore my previous true loves that I’ve written about in my novels which you purchased. This time, it’s the real,,,real….real…can I say real enough…my really real true love.

    I love…I love love…love is my inspiration…..I…I?…I…..I, did I mention “I”.

    Namaste Y’all

  • I’m going to go off! It’s a rant! Sorry chimp nation! I’m still pissed, hurt, and no where near the land of ‘meh’ yet! Enjoy my life a year ago!… It imploded like this! True story
    Part1.

    To all my thousands of adoring fans who see me on the Internet, tv, and in magazines ads around the world;
    I am the most amazing man. A perfect male specimen, Therefore you can trust me. My chiseled face, modeling contracts, and eight pack abs make you swoon. I know I am the worlds gift- meant to be shared. Don’t Mind my chumpy ex- she’s just bitter I cut her from the magic dick. Look at all these dick pics – see it is perfect! I am the perfect man! Honest, hot, true, fun, and loyal! Come on, just ask my fans! Don’t mind her saying I cheated, took all the money, and left her during cancer… She’s lying and just mad I didn’t tell her I broke up with her in my ‘mind’ and kept it a secret so I could fuck everyone while she was a chemo and radiation. I secretly told everyone she was abusive and we were broken up, but because I was such a great guy I was supporting her through cancer… Haha everyone bought it and hated on her, stopped calling her, ignored her, and fucked me in the back of her bmw. I liked to take her car and fuck people in it to get off and punish her. I smiled when she and I drove in it knowing I’d been fucking strangers in it only hours before… I’m a catch huh?! Really I only let her think I was with her for life because I pitied her sick sad self. Yes she used to model, but she’s ugly now. Cancer has made her stop working out. Can you believe she let herself gain 15 pounds? I’d workout if I had cancer. Just sayin. She’s weak! Fans around the world: Why don’t you send me vagina photos to cheer me up? Come on peasants- your lucky to see me and my gift to you is letting you admire me on novel covers and Abercrombie and Fitch ads. You want me. Did you see me in the 50 hottest men issue? She was never good enough for me- but you – you are perfect. All of you. Just not her.

  • Part 2. I never liked her. I know anything I say you will believe. I’m not a lying cheating, narcissistic, cluster b, egomaniacal man! Just Mis treated by her. No, no, no, my fans, my followers, my future conquests… She’s lying! I would never use the love of my life to run my business, help me get famous, promote me, manage my career and life, and then dump her when she got cancer. She’s bitter I stopped wanting her- please don’t believe the hype – she was awful to me and all those things she did -she didn’t really do them! I just let you think she really did them because I was taking pity on her. She’s been so awful to me the whole time. I’m a sad, lonely, extremely hot male model who needs you to let me fill my sadness and neglect by her in your arms and vagina too of course… She never pleased me and she’s not my type ….you my fans are my type – all of you …my perfect women. I’m must sleep with each of you raw dawg to see for sure though…. Raw dawg is the only way to truly feel alive! Gay male Fans? You too! I’ll flirt with you, why not? You are most loyal of all! I’ll go to West Hollywood to the gay bars and reject my adoring fans one by one. But they are lucky I come here- a beautiful special snowflake gorgeous straight man… They can spend hours trying to bed me- because hey have you seen me? Even animals want me. Any cake or kibbles is all good for me! Hate me? Love me? Fuck me? It’s all good for me!!! It’s my world! Can you believe she gave me shit for being so desperate for fans and attention? Ha! Of course I just said, ‘you’re the monster who created me, managed me, and made me successful- it’s your fault all these women/men/world wants me! You created this monster! It’s your fault I have all these thousands of fans. You knew this would happen. I was only loyal to you when I was broke and unwanted. Now I’m famous -so I deserve fucks for my hotness! Why can’t we just bring other women into the bedroom. Can’t I just have my fun? You are not fun like you used to be!

  • Part 3 … Jesus, after all, don’t you remember when we made a commitment all those years ago? That’s so 2009! This is now! I changed the story and I told you forgot my rule… I only committed to you so that we could have a bunch of other women in our relationship when I felt like it. Remember? After all everyone wants me now. Chump don’t you remember that ha ha Ha . Oh? You forgot? Your memory is failing you chumpy must be the chemo!’ (-a direct quote) Fans: I’ve been deprived for years of strange pussy. I need all this fun and excitement in my life and she doesn’t dress like a porn star for me every day anymore. I want you to be the object of my desire and for everyone to be jealous and if you don’t dress like a porn star then you’re covered up and that’s not attractive. I need people to try to take you from me to feel like I really have something important and worth keeping. And do you have daddy issues? I love to ask that in my singles ads? And since my girl has gotten cancer shes been such a buzz kill. I need to go out with my friends and fuck a bunch of women so that I can feel better about her cancer. I mean she’s been wearing sweatpants and looking all gross and everything in in chemo and radiation and it’s really not cool for me. All this stage three cancer spreading and all the crying she’s doing pisses me off! After all, I am supposed to be having fun in my life and she is not fun like she used to be when everyday was all about me. Fans put me first! They are my life! It’s real the connection with all of them! Twitter/snapchat/Facebook is real life! 24/7 kibbles! Shes a horrible person for getting sick. Not dressing sexy. Not having sex! My woman does not get sick. It ruins my all about me life and my workout schedule. I need to post at least 3 selfies a day of my abs for my fans and her doctors appointments interfere with that! She’s keeping me from you fans! Rise up against her and pity me! She didn’t know once I committed and moved in with her – I would stop that nice guy Act and start revealing my true self? Stupid fool. I’m that good. 2 years of being the Prince Charming – I fooled you. Haha stupid bitch for loving me and being loyal. That’s what you get! You moved in and then the last four years I unleashed my true self! I’m not a lost puppy I’m a borderline personality disordered monster! True love! Stay loyal! Fans: I am working hard on my body every day and my looks for you! This is important! I’m not able to go out and party because of her cancer! I scheduled plastic surgery btw- during her cancer treatment! She was upset! Can you believe the nerve of her?! I said to her, “Why can’t you stop pretending to be sick so you can watch me after my surgery. I need this surgery right now! This thing I need has bothered me my whole life- No! it’s not from the horse steroids I did behind your back 6 months ago- It was there before. You just didn’t see it. There you go losing your memory again! You never pay attention to me! You missed it! Seriously! It’s urgent we focus on me right now. I can’t model while my man boobs are puffy!!! I scheduled it! It’s happening! I can’t even wear a tank top right now! This is serious chumpy! Fucking listen! Thousands of woman and men would pay to nurse me – what the fuck is your problem you evil woman? Why can’t you hold me and support me about this surgery! I can just charge it to our credit card! Shut the fuck up about your late stage cancer. Blah blah. I’m over it.” (A direct Quote) Everyday goes like this; Let’s talk about me..,I need new workout clothes. I need a new iPhone. I need plastic surgery. I need to party. I need a new car, you know? That’s why my life so awful. She is keeping from it! She couldn’t even have sex during radiation so I insisted she let me fuck someone during those months because of my suffering during this time. I told her she could be there and watch. She only did it once and said she couldn’t do it again it was too hard. What a selfish bitch. She should think it’s hot to watch me fuck someone. But as long as she knew it was her fault for not being able to fuck me her self… She tried oral- and rejected her for that too. Lame! Maybe if let her if I was watching porn. On the movie projector because she wasn’t hot with cancer! I usually rejected her and made her feel bad about not looking good enough.
    Anyway, that’s just not enough for me still…. I deserve non stop sex- I am a god. No really I am- I tell her this daily now that I’m famous- you should act accordingly. Famous men get to do what the fuck they want and people love it! Expect it! Respect it. Worship me. My fans do! They think I’m perfect! My fans wouldn’t betray me like her! She should have fun watching me with a girl and see it makes me happy and not bring up cancer while I get off fucking a girl! But she was being evil. I have needs and she’s not fucking me- who cares why!
    She’s trying to get me to take care of the business, love her and shit, work, take care of her in her time of need. Can you believe the nerve of her!? I expect her to work, workout, dress hot, and pretend she doesn’t have cancer, and worship me. I still dragged her places every weekend and she complained! Ungrateful bitch! I’m fun and she isn’t! What did I ever see in her! I deserve to cheat on her right? She’s not the woman she agreed to be. I’m suffering- comfort me by being my cum dumpster…. Send me pics and videos of yourself to my secret accounts. I told her: ‘Hey chumpy!’, Don’t think about leaving either because I spent all your money on me. And all my money on me. Because you need to share as a couple. By sharing I mean – give it to me. So your stuck, broke on doctors bills, and the debt I ran up, and no I’m not giving you a $100 for food at the hospital! You always take, take, take! And you have 30 days to move out and it’s all in my name not yours so hahaha! You know fans: I just can’t handle her anymore. She deserves to be on the street- you know? She’s not doing everything anymore. She only preps 60 meals a week for my fitness diet now instead of fresh meals too at night or when I ask. She comes home from a day of doctors and doesn’t want cook for me. She goes and lays down like a lazy fuck! Pathetic! Woman would kill to be her. I’m so fucking amazballzs. You wouldn’t do that to me you sexy little slut?! Would you? Come fuck me in her car and we’ll laugh!!! I need to steal her prescription cancer pain meds to get high, risk her dying from an std while her white blood cells are crashed, secretly fuck people, withhold love, make her suffer, because she’s sick and lazy –you understand? Yes my fans you agree!? she is a horrible person. Maybe she’ll die so I can go out and let you adore me and my dick in peace…I’m immune to the truth! I need to go out and meet people I need to do things because she is so gross with cancer. I would’ve never ask to marry her or to be with her if I didn’t think I was going to get a bunch of other women too.
    She claimed I never said that …. I said, “Oh-you don’t remember? I said I was going to want threesomes and stranger danger sex behind your back? You said it was ok you’d be fine with that! Remember? She’s lying – I told her that!
    My adoring fans: shes losing her mind. Of course she committed to let me fuck others. She doesn’t remember. Look at me! I’m fucking hot! Thousands of woman/men/animals post to me a day begging me to fuck them. She was lucky to be with me. She’s so ungrateful.
    I mean yeah, it’s true I didn’t look like this when she met me, didn’t have any fans,or work, but her managing me brought me fame. So it’s her fault everyone wants me. She knew I’d do this with my new found fame. It’s her fault I have to share my dick with the world now! The world needs it. Now she’s all bitchy about me not being committed and loyal- the nerve of her!!! I just act so fake and nice all her friends- they will never believe her anyway, I win again. I’m a winner! Don’t believe her that I snuck out and left her, and started shutting off the utilities the next day, haha she deserved it. I found out she went through my phone. How dare she see all the women. I’m just a flirt. She broke the trust by not trusting me and finding all my kinky sexting porn and other woman! What a bitch she is. I’m the victim! she violated me! I who just sacrificed his beautiful abs and soul for her. What did I ever see in her? Fans: I forgot her already. Those six years? In 10 minutes from me breaking up with her – I headed to the gym to get my abs on fleek and made 2 dates that night! I’m a stone cold dream! Want me? Get in line! Haha, just let her tell people I cheated, stole her meds, and fucked her over during cancer! I already got to them first and told them she was a an evil troll. They all believe me! Of course they do! Have you seen me? I’m fucking amazing. I Act perfect! Now let’s talk about me somemors! Did you see me underwear selfies hours after I moved out? I’m hot come fuck me fans and heal my suffering by admiring my own naked man body in the mirror 634 times a day. God I’m handsome!
    And if you are lucky, you can suck my std dick! You’d be lucky to get an std from me! It will be a famous std!

    Love and kisses from the hottest model, actor in the world! Xoxo

      • Thanks Jbaby. I can’t even get it all out. Some of it seems so bad I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I’m still here living and improving. Hope is alive.

        • So glad to hear that. I work in a hospital and see cancer in children every day. It does not discriminate and is just plain unfair. Keep your head up and keep fighting!

        • Because being in it…we lose our bearings. No contact has actually started REWIRING my brain. I see it now. But when I was with him, having sex, in his presence…a million scholars could not have reasoned me out of it.

          • Jesus! He sounds a right pain in the ass! No wonder you are hurting having loved him. It sounds like hugging a cactus. You hate yourself for doing it but you do. He is a colossal arrogant ass. He’s high on his own hype. I know a guy like him. Argh. Just thinking makes my skin crawl. Hugs to you at this time. Be patient and not too critical with yourself. That is the hardest part for us chumps though we are so patient with others. You are indeed a long way from meh iy sounds but get it all of your chest here. Smh! He is some shit else. His head is so far up his ass he can only spew shit! Lol! I can imagine him thumping his fist as he demands his ‘ due’. Shitard!

    • This is sustained torture and abuse. I hope you escaped this critter. Please tell us you got away.
      My X is not famous, but he is a star in his own mind. Much of What you wrote is how I know my X thinks. He *believes* his fabulous penis must be shared with all women. He is just too sexy for one woman.
      With this type of freak….there is no hope.

    • Okay, Mr. Rant, my turn. You are sick and sickening. Keep posing: gotta snap a photo to put in the dumbfuck version of the DSM, where YOU get to be the poster boy for predatory Cluster B! Isn’t that special? You waste space. You suck. And you just threw away the best thing you ever had or will ever have. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass. And pray you don’t ever meet me. –Claire

  • Sylvia, your story (and your name) brought back a memory of a bizarre play I once saw called “The Goat or Who is Sylvia?” by Edward Albee about a man who is obsessively and helplessly in love with a goat named Sylvia. I’m not sure what possessed Albee to write such a strange, rather demented plot (which won the 2002 Tony Award for Best Play) but I remember the searing pain of the outraged wife who is devastated, horrified, and disgusted by what her husband is doing. Has anyone else ever seen it? Perhaps the most shocking thing is that it looks like our “anything goes” society may find this mainstream one day! LOL

    • I am going to research it! It sounds fascinating. I was hinting at cheaters are that absurd, and they project attractiveness onto….anyone or thing….because it is all about THEM. The AP truly is interchangeable! That is why we should never fret or compare to the OW or OM. They are just a mirror to the Narcs never ending quest for self glory….kibbles.
      Assholes.

    • I saw that play and remember be stunned by the husband’s choices. But it was before I had even met my ex; I’m sure if I saw it now, I’d see it in a whole different way.

    • Never heard of that one but back in High School Drama Club 2 good friends of mine did an excerpt from The Bald Soprano by Albee in competition. They placed many times with that piece. It was really bizarre. I think Albee probably dropped a lot of acid.

  • I wouldn’t be shocked if my ex turned out to be gay. He often had effeminate mannerisms that were supposedly part of his jokester personality, he hid an anal fetish from me for years, and his final OW “loves anal” and could easily pass as a drag queen.

    • I wouldn’t be surprised if X turned out to be Gay. He had mild effeminate mannerisms normally.
      X has a jokester personality and would be too convincing when he would “pretend” to be Gay.
      What I found particularly disturbing is he would be “joking” doing his Gay act around my friends husbands.. He would tell me all men joke around like that. It was embarrassing, sometimes wouldn’t know when to stop.
      Another indications is that X would discourage me from giving him oral, how many men refuse oral sex?
      He told me a couple times that Gay men are the best at oral because they know what guys like.
      I asked if he knew this from experience and he said no, that it’s only logical.
      He was constantly admiring himself in the mirror naked and would tell me if he was a guy he would want to fuck himself. Strange, you don’t realize how strange until you’re removed from them and look back.

      • Brit – I can assure that this type of behavior is not how a heterosexual male behaves. But rather the joking around and alluding to being Gay is actually a sign that your EX may have very well been Gay. Men who are straight don’t spend this much time referencing gays. I have dated straight men and none of them alluded to anything remotely close to what your ex said. And the pretending to be Gay was him actually being gay. The truest things are said in Jest.

  • She annoys me to no end. Her posts are rife with me’s and I’s. ” I would like you to send ME love. When I want into a room with Rayya on my arm I want to be accepted”. Just your average everyday narcissist. With one exception she has duped countless navel gazers to focus on on HER problems as a bridge to solve their own. News flash people you’re never going to get to the shores of your own self salvation by entangling your self in hers. Honestly some days I feel like that kid that saw dead people, except that now I see narcissists after experiencing my own…

  • To my 207 bestest Facebook friends,

    You are all leading such amazing carefree lives and are so obviously deeply in love that you inspired me to make some necessary changes in life.

    To Nike Girl, who posts every 1/2 marathon she is training for and every single minute of that training and her wonderful minute by minute and 1/8 mile by mile journey. While I don’t actually exercise, you’ve encouraged me to move by body from the recliner. Yep, I left my marital home. I ran out the door with just my like new gym bag and nasty stained pillow. I’ve told everyone that I will be living with my mom. I did that for two whole weeks and then moved in with NFV (Necrotising fascitis vagina), but she’s just a friend from work. Really. Oh, and Annie blocked you from her Facebook because she couldn’t take all the self-promotion. She’s such a jerk and doesn’t understand all the effort you’re putting into the 1/2 marathons.

    To The Only Woman in the world who has ever had a child and posts every “cute” moment of that child’s life. Your posting 15 to 20 pictures of your child daily as got me to thinking about children. Mine are grown so I’ve decided I need some more. I’m now living with NFV and her two younger children. We’re all just really good friends and I have such a great time smiling at them and yelling, “Move! You’re blocking the TV.” Aren’t kids great. By the way, Annie blocked you from her Facebook because she said your child looks like his mother and isn’t cute but turning into a spoiled monster from the non-stop pandering. I tried to look up pandering in Wikipedia, but since I can’t spell worth shit all I could come up with is that your child looks like a Panda. I don’t think that’s what she meant. She’s such a bitch. She posted a picture of both children when they graduated from High School so I think she’s a two-faced bitch.

    To my mother who posts every inspirational message she has every come across. You inspired me to get all my tattoos. Some are in Latin because then I won’t know if they’re spelled incorrectly. And I’m guessing, neither will you. You’ve also inspired me that “the heart wants what the heart want.” I think I read that on one of your posts. I can’t believe that Annie blocked you too. She said you never had an original thought in your ego-inflated head. She also said you were a mean-spirited, self-righteous, woman that made Cinderella’s stepmother look like June Cleaver. I just can’t see it. Can I borrow some money?

    To all the other wonderful people on here. Your true life detailed accounts of your daily activity are filled with such perfect tales of happiness that I decided to also find my happiness and marry my one true love, NFV. We found this love after I left Annie. Yes, she worked for me, but I swear that nothing happened until after the divorce. I swear. Oh, and Annie has deleted her Facebook account without explanation. She has said previously that I spend too much time stalking all of you without contributing anything real to our lives, but she just doesn’t understand happiness. Rumor has it that she dragged my old cheese doodle crusted recliner chair into the woods and filled it with several bullet holes. She then fed it through a wood chipper that had just arrived from Amazon while yelling, “This is for Tempest.” She was laughing and danced all the way into the house. It was said that she then patted each of the dogs on the head that I deserted, I mean that she stole from me. The words to the song she was singing were simple, like her. They were:

    “Yes he cheated, yes he lied
    but no longer the thorn in my side.
    He the dumbass and can take another wife, ’cause……..
    I left that cheater and gained a life. Badabam”

    I think she’s lost her mind,

    Anyway, keep up the good work in Facebook, I’ll be watching and immu…ummulat…. um copying you.

    I love you, but I’m not in love with you,

    Fucktard

      • I’ll warm it up for Sunday in case you’re feeling blue or just mean. Shit, or happy. Just drag his pathetic ass to NY. My neighbors don’t ask to many questions.

    • “I think she’s lost her mind.” I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose my mine from the headache I have from all this laughing. “NFV(c)”??? “Cheese doodle crusted”? Unloading a few bullets into his chair and feeding it to a wood chipper while hollering a Tempest shout out? I can absolutely, positively, see you doing all of it, and dancing, and singing your little ditty, now formally the new Annie’s Song. Holy hell this is funny.

  • Ok, I’ll play.

    Dear Cheated On By my Sparkly Self:
    I deserved to bang many whores while you take care of my mother…..when she broke her shoulder, then the next year she broke her wrist after her falls. I’m tooooooo special to wipe her ass since she couldn’t., so I let wife appliance do that,,,,,,but I never gave a rat’s ass who cared for her.I bought her ticket to fly down here. Did I mention 3 days after the old hag came down, I flew up north leaving her with the “Wife appliance.” Did I also mention, the “lunatic” called me at 4 in the morning to ask where I was?…crazy bitch. Yeah, I don’t get why the “wife appliance” was so angry when daughter moved back in with an untrained dog that was bigger than “wife appliance” would knock her down, grab food from her plate, knock her down the stairs, cuz it was not trained correctly, then say, “i’ll choose the dog over you.” Yep, that is love right there! AND, the pissy wife appliance would get angry when I would go to Daytona on bike week when my mother was down and wife appliance would get upset. What’s the problem with caring for my 87 year old, VERY over weight, unsteady, demanding mother who would sit on her ass to be waited on? Did I mention it was wife appliance’s job to take her out, shopping, Bingo, the casino while I fucked my whores. Wife appliance is just a pissyass ungrateful bitch!

  • Dear People I Would Fuck (aka Everyone except exWife),

    The heart wants what it wants. My heart wants real intimacy, which, as everyone knows, can only come from having anonymous, degrading sex with strangers and prostitutes. Dear Ones, I’m happy to announce that in my search for Authenticity, I have found Twu Wuv with My Penis.

    If you’re doing the math then you’re a whole lot smarter than me. I didn’t realize My Penis could be so expensive. But I don’t mind secretly spending the savings, collected over twenty years, on My Penis because that Fat Pig who lived here deserves it. Why? She thinks she’s so smart because she’s a teacher. I’m a high school drop out who’s a whole lot smarter than she is. I’m voting for Trump, after all. Anyway, Fat Pig is so dumb she didn’t even realize I was lying to her for the entire relationship. What an idiot.

    Sex — or the prospect of sex — has a way of clearing away everything that is not real. My Penis knows this deeply because that is all he thinks about from dawn to dusk. Ever since My Penis began fucking my little sister, beginning when she was six, My Penis has pointed the way (not that you could actually see him point – he’s a little on the teeny side) and I finally had to face the truth: I not only love My Penis; I am in love with My Penis.

    Everyone I chat with in SE Asia in the middle of the night tells me I know how to make things steamy.

    Everyone I Skype with in Eastern Europe knows that watching 55-year-old me masturbate into an iPad screen while clenching a pocket flashlight between my teeth in order to “light up the action” is what every teenaged girl secretly desires.

    Everyone I advertise for on Craigslist knows I deserve to have 15-year-olds lick my asshole, because I am a people-pleaser.

    Everyone loves me when I drink so I do it every day for hours.

    Everyone wants me because I mirror whatever they want to see.

    Everyone thinks it can’t be wrong if it feels so right.

    Fat Pig thinks My Penis is a dick.

    • Mr Penis is my tru lov! Ha! I really felt common ground when you said his penis and him are the only 2 in the world! Sounds like my ex. His penis rules everything! The horrible part where you share he’s a pedophile with his sister? wow. Next level horrible! Thinking of you! Hope you get therapy to get Mr Penis the dick erased from your memory!

  • Dear loved ones,

    I love you! Bye-bye! I don’t want to hurt you and this will hurt me more than it will hurt you but I must go… to discover my awesomeness and share it with the world. I can’t do that while married with children. But unfettered I can spread my awesomeness (and my STI) around to more people unfettered by chores and responsibility. I mean who wants that? Responsibility is for adults and at 36 I’m just too young. So I love you but I’m letting this go. But hey! If the kids don’t take it well and I say I’ll come back will that make it better ? What? I can’t come back ? You are so selfish and mean and cruel! I said I did not want to hurt anyone but I have to go be happy! The children will be fine! Why are you saying there is someone else! There is not always someone else!
    Two weeks later…I want to come home. I miss my family. You were right all along! I just needed to take responsibility for myself. I love you. You’re crazy! You’re not the boss of me. I don’t like you! I’d love to kill you! I need God And salvation. I need you by my side while I get help. I’m destroying relationships with people who care about me. I don’t like you. Yea. the other women were my fault. I owed you loyalty. Should have been a better husband. My wife deserves respect in private in public.
    Months later…my life is derailed . I don’t have any control over anything especially not you. Maybe we should get back together for the children. Can we spend Christmas together?
    I guess you never loved me. I guess I’m messed up after all. Poor me….
    Awesome family free life where forth art thou?! This is all your fault chump!

    • OMG Mandie – I am just reeling from that terrible abuse and the feeling of him suddenly turning on you like that.
      What a mindfuck that dialogue is!
      Yeah – RIGHT!!! Fucking right, the kids will be OK.
      What an asshole and, if he would read about all the kids fucked up by this, he may have his eyes opened, but he’s an Idiot who thinks he has all the answers.

      I’m sorry for the bad language and I don’t have kids, but they ARE our future.
      Cheating and Divorce hurt every single one of them.
      Didn’t we all have friends in Jr High that you felt sorry for?
      I personally had folks who stayed together for 40 yrs, and so did the X’s parents, until they died.
      Divorce is still sort of an onus, but it’s too common to ignore.

      Your post breaks my heart. 🙁

      • Sorry. His parents are divorced. Mine are still together. His mother decided to find happiness…with another woman. Totally blew up his family. He’s been a mess every since. Now he is like her.

  • I am not sure who to address this to – I am such a sad sausage and I don’t really know if anyone is listening…. Koru kicked me out but I am not sure why. I only fucked prostitutes, I never gave my heart to anyone else. She is the love of my life but I can’t understand why just SAYING that is not enough. I mean I have an amazing job, I earn 1/4 mill a year, I am a very important person – look, I know I am out of the country at least 40 weeks a year, but she is such a strong, capable person. She can handle it. She can raise our kids, do all the domestic stuff, work part time at her little job, she can work out how to live is a different country every few years. She is great at covering up my little indiscretions.

    Actually it is her strength and ability to cope with everything that makes me so sad. She doesn’t really need me! I know I never actually contributed to our marriage except by working, but hey, that is the most important thing. When her sister died in child birth? I didn’t come home because Koru can handle it. Whenever we bought a house, sold a house, when the kids were struggling, when they graduated, when we moved around the world and back again, when she was sick, in hospital, dignosed with who knows what….. She didn’t need me around.

    Koru always wanted me to be someone I wasn’t, she was always trying to change me. I mean, I like playing golf, getting drunk and fucking other people – why should I change?
    I can’t understand why she has suddenly decided to kick me out. Surely the severe herpes is irrelevant and my secret bank account is neither here nor there, why is she no longer happy about me going to Thailand every year with my golf buddies? So what if I drop thousands at the casino – it’s MY money after all!
    I wish Koru could accept that I am just a poor, sad sausage – things just happen – it is never my fault. I never meant to crash those 5 cars, I wasn’t drunk. So that girl who died all those years ago? Well she should have been wearing her seatbelt, she shouldn’t have got into my car!
    It’s all so unfair. I don’t understand why my D20 won’t have anything to do with me, or why S18 would rather live in the same country as Koru. It’s not my fault.

    If there is anyone out there would be happy to never ask me for anything, never expect anything from me not even a conversation, accept me for who I am, someone who truly believes that money is everything and intimacy is just a synomym for fucking …. Please contact me and save me from my sad, sad life. You’re a prostitute? Perfect!!

    • What a useless human being this guy is you called husband Koru. Talk about being abandoned and emotionally neglected! I wonder why he got married. Oh yes, image management and it was prolly to help him climb the corporate ladder as a stable married man. When we know he’s anything but stable.

  • Friends, co-authors, random service personnel I’m grooming in developing countries, prospective fucks, and Switzerland friends who still love me,
    It has been a tough year, quantitatively speaking. Aside from the slump in citations of my published papers (monitoring Google Scholar daily is not for the faint of heart!), the loss of half my frequent flier miles (I’m still Mr. Executive Platinum, so suck it, Chump!), and the mortification of knowing that some of my PRIVATE texts have been making the rounds and have revealed the depth of my duplicity over the course of our 23-year marriage (how dare she STEAL those from me! I know, we shared an account and it was legal, but as a result she no longer maintains the moral high ground!), I’ve been working extra hard to increase my fucks-per-week count. Losing my chump was a terrible blow, because we maintained an every-other-day schedule for a decade and a half (I know I traveled a lot, but I was able to keep to the schedule even so–just not with my wife, haha). I was deeply troubled by the fact that my young mistress dumped me a mere two weeks after I moved from the marital home, even after said mistress claimed that my penis was more effective than guys twice my size (did you see that in the texts? I was just testing her when I asked if she left me because my cock is too small). But I was fortunate to have lined up a former grad student to take her place immediately, so that my fucks-per-week count was not much disrupted. Anyway, I have so much more free time now that I’m accountable to no one. Give me a call and I’ll fit into you.

  • To all you stupid people out there I have completely in the dark, I am so much smarter than all of you. You might as well admit it, I can run rings around any of you in the grifting department. After all you only exist to give me what I want, you aren’t real people who matter. The only people who matter are my family, and only because I can scam them better than anyone else. They believe anything I make up about how abused I am by everyone, especially that bitch, my ex wife, Tessie. They not only believed my lies about her, but ponied up good hard cash to help me try to crush her in every way possible. After all it was relatively easy to convince them that they were paying for her nursing school, and I got all this great money to spend on Schmoopie. How awesome is that! I got the money and wifey got to not only work full time nights while going to school, but got blamed for being an integrate for not thanking my parents for the money she didn’t know I was scamming from them.

    Damn, I’m good. Win, win for me. And Schmoopie is happy I’m so solvent. I think I have Schmoopie right where I want her, enamored to the point she will be willing to bow to my awesomeness and become the next chump in line.

    Well, shit. My stupid chump took my kids and left me. How dare she! I wasn’t done exploiting her yet. I’ll fix her, I’ll file for divorce from her first. Then I will quit my well paying job for a minimum wage job so the bitch can’t soak me for child support. All my cheating sociopathic buddies in my recovery group told me that was a good dodge. Schmoopie will be happy to support me now that I have her hooked. I’m so ahead of all you stupid people.

    Whoa, wait a minute! Schmoopie dumped me! She said I didn’t make enough money? Well it’s got to be Tessie’s fault, somehow. And that shitty judge who gave Tessie an order for protection and made me pay child support. And because I wanted to see Tessie go down in flames I signed a quit claim deed on the house so she couldn’t make me pay the mortgage. Bitch went out and got a second job and kept the damn house. And I discovered that I couldn’t get any cash from the house in the divorce because of that. And she got half of my pension….legal custody of the kids….stuck me with the new car I just had to have….Hey, I shouldn’t have to pay for that!

    She robbed me! It’s not fair!

    That shouldn’t happen to someone as amazing and smart as me. It’s all her fault, she didn’t follow my program. I’ll show her.

    I’ll make that bitch pay.

    • I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this! I was laughing so hard because it’s almost exactly what’s been happening with my ex husband and I.

    • Tessie – This is too funny. I kept reading the story and Mr. Entitled so got what he deserved. You are mighty dear Tessie!

  • This is a bit dark y’all but f*ck it…

    Hey All,

    It’s been some time since I’ve updated you and I wanted to let you know a bit about what I’ve been up to. It’s very exciting! Since devastating my ex- with my inordinate level of entitlement and disregard for the value of trust, I have finally had the emotional freedom and headspace to recognize that my true love has been in front of my nose for the longest time. I just didn’t realize it! Charles, the hospice patient I have been assisting as a volunteer at the hospital, has taken his place in my life as the muse of all muses. With each groan and blink, he speaks to me more eloquently than the finest of Shakespeare sonnets. We bond over the little things, like when I brush his teeth, bathe him, and change his diaper. Many say our age difference is prohibitive, but that’s so close-minded! I see end-of-life more like beginning-of-love. We’ve helped each other grow so much, like when he taught me that one liver spot can actually be multiple spots squished together, or when I helped him improve his writing skills during the revision of his will. Ah, this all feels like a breath of fresh, country air to my aching lungs.

    Bless you all. Tootles!

    Cheater

  • Yes I sort of misread the “assignment”.
    But being in my X’s mind….it would be horrifying but so simple-

    Get high. P*ssy. Sleepy. Cocaine. New Pussy? Xanaxes. Cocaine. Pussy. Laugh. Eat…me hungry now.
    Sleepy. Strange pussy. Cocaine. Need money. Meth. Answer phone to find more strange pussy. Get high with sleestack. Fuck her. Meth? Whose calling? Girlfriend. No answer.Sleep. Eat junk food. More cocaine.

    He can carry on a conversation and he can pretend to be human…but that is as sophisticated as he gets.

    He is a Walking ID.

  • Loyal Subjects:

    Due to the advancing age and declining health of my mother, I will be moving in with her to act as her caregiver. I will attempt to re-write history by finally getting the love and approval from my mother which was denied to me as a boy. I will fail miserably, as nothing I do will result in her satisfaction, only scathing criticism.

    If my ex tells you that she kicked me out for cheating, don’t you believe it. I don’t even know the woman she accused me of cheating with. My ex is crazy. She kicked me out and I was the one who did all the housework and yard work. The reason that I love my mother and don’t love my ex is because I don’t have sex with my mother.

    Chumptacular’s Long-Suffering Ex

  • Dear Lowly Ones,
    I am so in love and in awe of myself! Life has been so difficult for me because there is no one worthy of my adoration, Xwife’s clothes, attention, respect, household money, children’s college fund, spouses retirement fund …except for me. My Xwife actually thought she and the kids deserved some of our income for their basic needs. She didn’t understand that my desires and self gratification were more important! I had to lie and be deceptive about everything so she would not find out and be angry. I had no choice but to lie for decades! I was not about to live with an angry wife! The anger I knew she would have upon discovery is why I had to console myself ahead of time by having sex with other people.
    I also had to struggled for years being both the male and female version of myself. I did not desire my Xwife, multiple Prostitutes, porn, and freebies as much as I did myself. They did not impress or desire me as much as I desired myself!
    I am, however, impressed with the desire (and money) that my former younger coworker/OW/new wife has for me. She knows how to stroke my ego, and does a great job telling me and others about my attributes and deceiving others with me. Like me, she is so in awe of my greatness. It is so amazing to look into her eyes I see the love I have for myself reflecting right back at me!
    I hope all of you will one day appreciate that I have not neglected you. I have done my best to make sure each of you have been able to contribute to my pursuit of happiness at your expense. I know you will someday accept the fact that I have never told the whole truth about anything for a good reason. Your career, childhood, memories, savings, reputation, health, and life mean nothing to me because your loss is my gain! I am all that really matters.
    Very Selfishly,
    It’s All about Me

  • What is with these young women, older men? I have a neighbor who married an older man and her life is hell. He is bedridden and if she goes anywhere he calls her constantly. She said all she has to look forward to is a life of sadness. She is still an active woman. She was not the ow. She and he were both divorced when they met. She loves him but worries about him all day long. These May/December romances might sound lovely but I can tell you none end happy. He feels guilty about his total dependence on her and she feels guilty for resenting her life being over.

    • Let go – I’ve always liked the comment that – We Got The Best Years.
      X was getting pretty old pretty fast. Bad knees, shoulders, horrible guilt and whatever.
      Let himself go. Ate too much. High BP, etc.

      Too bad he just threw me into a garbage bin for a 2 bit whore with a bad reputation.
      So glad I won’t have to be his nurse and maybe he’ll miss me not being around when he needs me.
      I doubt anybody else would do it for him.

      Why do these people make such horrible senior decisions that the grass is greener over there with a younger woman and I could run circles around her.
      It just doesn’t make sense to me. And, I know he’ll get Dementia someday. It runs in his family.

      Got my apron on so I’ll just wipe my hands of it.

      • “Why do these people make such horrible senior decisions that the grass is greener over there with a younger woman”

        Great question. I believe it’s because they see themselves are worthier than us. Hey, they bagged a newer model, so that must mean they are awesome too!! After all, their dick is porking a shinier version, so that must mean they are SO cool! All reason goes out the window and they act like teenagers. There is no thought, no reason in anything they do. Look at the real men out there, the ones who are wise, they know to truly appreciate their wives and they damn well know the grass isn’t greener on the other side and things may not end up well for them if they misbehave. These are real men.

        • Absolutely!! Skankboy is 61 and Ida Whore has a now 15 year old daughter and 9 year old son. So I will guess she is in her 40s. When the son graduates from HS skankboy will be 70. Do you think Ida Whore will stick around when the nest is empty and she is finally free to care for an old man……a cheap, narc old man? I think NOT. It will be fun watching grandpa daddy try and figure out what to do with the rest of his life.

          • Yeah, I agree with you Nomoreskankboy, the second her kids are grown up, is the second she’ll bag this guy. He’s convenient now and doesn’t even see it. Even better, because he’ll fall flat on his face when he gets sacked. He’ll turn will come, it’s just a matter of time…

  • SheChump, I’m no expert, but my sick old Ex got involved with a younger MOW. It destroyed her marriage and I divorced him. He went to live with her and everything was “peaches and cream” until he got a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. This only four months after he moved in with her! He had quit his job and was living off his military retirement. That would shrink monthly because my alimony was taking most of that. So Schmoopie was “floating” him financially.
    Turns out that her Ex had remarried, quit his high paying job and was “unable” to make his alimony payments! Needless to say Schmoopie had just recently “trained” to be a Certified Nurse Assistant, but never actually thought she would have to work, much less practice her craft on her sick Romeo!
    So after nearly three years of driving me, the betrayed spouse, crazy so they could pursue their “extra special snowflake love”, the crap hit the fan!
    I guess my aging Ex thought that Schmoopie was going to be there for him on that verdant “greener grass”, but turned out that since he was worthless as a lover, companion, big earner, etc. and the fact that she went through all of his private papers while he was in the hospital only to find out that I was the beneficiary of everything he had left, she decided she was no longer in “love”! He had to go! The sooner the better! So, I am the lucky recipient of Mr. Sad Sausage’s (formerly, you can call me Doctor Sparkles) bad choices! Not only do I have to deal with the reality that he left me for Schmoopie, but I now have to deal with his whining. I also get to watch him die and it kills me inside!
    Schmoopie gets to go forth and find another “Twu wuv” schmuck who is probably married( cause she loves taking a man from another woman!#winning) and making a lot of other people unhappy!
    But to answer your question, NO, they think they will live forever, never get sick, always be the great lover! Selfish people don’t consider the outcomes or consequences till it’s too late! In a nutshell, they are assholes! Rant over!

    • “but I now have to deal with his whining”

      I’d shut that shit down real fast and not listen to a single word of it. The second he starts wining is the second you need to go. He tortured you for 3 years, treating you like shit, so he could be with the OW. Did he care about how his actions were affecting you for 3 entire years?! Not at all. I guarantee you that had you gotten sick, he still would have left you for the OW without giving you a second thought!

      • Kellia, I did get very sick! Lung cancer, had to have an operation to remove my left lower love of my lung! Where was he? In Florida with Schmoopie every chance he had! After I returned home to recover I found I had contracted a very serious MRSA virus. The opening on the side of my rib cage spewed the most horrible gray matter you had ever seen and resembled a volcano erupting! Awful to see, but probably saved my life as it had an outlet to escape my freshly sliced lung! Another operation was in order to debride the MRSA and was invasive enough to have ribs removed. I was in the hospital for weeks and NOT A WORD FROM HIM! I am more than aware that his whole being and mind were right up Schmoopies ass (or some other hole!) I found emails later from him and her to his lawyer trying to figure out what my odds were for survival and how they should handle “image control” for themselves should I pass away! Such Christian folks!

        • He is really sick and a demented individual. Like you’re his enemy, and after all you did for him. You wrote you get to watch him die and it kills you inside. I hope you don’t have too much pity for him, as he doesn’t deserve an ounce of your sympathy or thought.

    • Firstly, I did have the very best years of his life!! 🙂 Like Roberta, I am not an expert but even with the difference of 40 years between my ex and his twu wuv, I know that he has never been so happy or so in love like this before ever and he has been infatuated with many over the years but not with me, his most loyal and greatest supporter and friend. The young woman in question lives in a 3rd world country with her 2 little boys and the ex has moved into the community as if he had been born there. I have always stated that predators blend into their surroundings very well. I digress. The girl is living like Riley with the ex as she has dropped all of her regular clients and relies solely on the ex for support which he is giving in bucket loads without question. With the money I helped him accumulate he has bought an apartment, buys her jewellery, clothes, play toys and travel etc etc. Never did much with or for me but I was a mug and I realise that now. It was going to be my absolute privilege and pleasure to look after my ex as we got older just like I had in the previous 37 years but I was sacked from my job as a wife and a mother. I am now poolside with the bubbles and the popcorn waiting for the karma bus which seems to be taking its damn time.

        • Kellia, it really is our kids money but not any more. I try not to think about it because I get very upset and it simply isn’t worth it now. My kids prefer their sperm donor and the prostit-tot to me. I have seen photos with my kids with their arms around their father and the tart and I have heard her trying to speak to them in English but one thing that was so clear was when she said their names. My kids names are different and I nearly died. In fact, at that moment I wished I had but I am beyond that now and accept my life is without my family.

          • Maree,
            I am so sorry. Your situation is the most heartbreaking of all!
            It was my greatest fear and just fearing for my kids nearly did me in. I am fortunate that my kids were older, saw the truth and refused to play into X’s hands.
            You amaze me! I hope you’ve been blessed with some true friends who treat you with the love and respect you deserve!
            God’s blessings to you!!

            • Nyra, my daughter is 37 and my son is 34. The tart is 24 and the ex is 64. So therefore my kids are not little people and they have betrayed me and rejected me. I raised them and taught them everything to make them into decent people and good members of society. They are indeed both decent and good but they treat me like dirt. I have made peace with that now. Thank you for your kind words and yes, I do have some true and loyal friends.

      • Maree, I know what your saying here. We contributed and sacrificed for years believing that we would get to enjoy the fruits of our labor with the person we loved and we thought loved us! I was denied even the smallest pleasures or trips throughout our marriage even though we could have well afforded it. His promise to me was we were going to have such a great time “later”, couldn’t I just be patient? Now it seemed he would take Schmoopie just anywhere, anytime! She was benefitting from MY hard work and sunk costs! Do I hate the Bitch? You bet! I hope she walks into the ocean, puts her head underwater and takes a deep breath! I’ll dance on her grave!

  • Side note: Schmoopie hasn’t given up on her whole dream of finding financial independence at the expense of another! She is on a quest now to “recover” all expenses she fronted to pursue and maintain their “Twu wuv”! Her persistence is admirable I suppose! If not laughable!

  • Dear Facebook followers (all four of you),
    First of all let me congratulate you on being able to recognize my innate brilliance and superiority. To the untrained eye, it may appear that I have done nothing to merit such a high opinion of myself. Yet this is because they do not understand me or my specialness. You are special for recognizing my specialness. We are all very special. But I am more special.

    Some of you may not know that I was once in a very unhappy marriage. My wife had relocated with me to my country of origin. I had given up my high-earning job so that I could focus on developing a career/business which could show-case my specialness. She selfishly chose to continue working so she could support the children and me. She also struggled with learning the local language which I happened to speak fluently. Is it my fault that she had a hard time integrating herself better into my culture? I spent my time between meditating on my specialness and berating her for not working hard enough. She was not making me feel special and that was affecting my ability to be successful in my art/chef/tourism/film making/it/tourist promotion business. She even had the nerve to suggest that I get a part time job! It was really an exhausting year in my life.

    This state of affairs could have gone on indefinitely, but I was very fortunate that I had an old ex-girlfriend who pointed out that my wife was wrong about everything. I very quickly realized that my wife did not understand me, she did not support me and she was holding me back from achieving my true level of specialness. It was imperative that I get rid of her immediately. My ex-girlfriend/newly rediscovered love, agreed with me.

    Five years later and my now ex-wife has apparently moved on with her life. Of course she now lives without the sunshine which is my specialness in her life – but she only has herself to blame. The ex-girlfriend was quickly discarded but has the benefit of knowing that she was a useful stepping stone in getting me out of my miserable marriage. I am still unemployed and I live in a tiny rural village with zero job prospects. I do not mind this because it has given me time to work on being even more special – which is something I know you all appreciate. As I approach the age of 50, this is very important to me. Fortunately I have my elderly mother to provide me with housing and financial support. But do not worry for me! The old girl is in excellent health and I envision she can keep going for another 15 – 20 years taking care of me.

    I remain as always,
    Special

  • To all of my friends, family and fans:

    It is with deepest regret that Babs and I announced our conscious uncoupling. We remain deeply committed to each other and to raising our children. Babs nd the kids will be remaining in our home in Phoenix, while I will be taking up residence alone in Malibu with my personal masseuse, Sylvia. Please respect our privacy at this time.

    With best regards,

    Jose Cuervo XOXO

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