Meh Sightings
Have you had a glimpse of the Promised Land? Are you Meh?
“Meh” — that liberating place of acceptance — is where you no longer are consumed with cheater drama. You don’t love them. You don’t hate them. You sort of pity anyone within a five-mile radius of them, but their existence doesn’t rock yours anymore. You’re Meh. Whatever.
Meh doesn’t mean you’re okay with injustice, or having your boundaries trampled. It means that you’ve internalized “Trust That They Suck.” They SUCK. Not your job to fix them. You’ve got a life to gain — who’s got time for their crap?
So tell me — have you had any glimmers of Meh? Can you see it on the horizon? Are you firmly living within its borders?
If you’re new here, I know Meh sounds like Brigadoon. Oh yeah right. There’s really a mythical place ahead where I ACCEPT what happened and I don’t give a shit about the Fuckwit? He can erect a billboard to his Happiness, post a thousand schmoochy pictures of himself and Twinkie on social media and I won’t vomit on anyone’s shoes?
Yes! Meh exists! Today your assignment is to share your Meh. Describe it. What’s it taste like? How free do you feel?
Maybe you old timers could pick up a few chumpy hitchhikers on the road to Meh. Tell them what’s ahead. Happy Friday!
I figured as last week we did our “un-meh” moments, this week we can share our mightier MEH moments. Are you proud of a particular way you handled a situation that would have reduced you earlier? Share!
I guess after he got caught in our 30 yr old marriage and seeing me have a breakdown on the floor, bleeding out, him taking the opportunity to go back on his promises to change, to show no empathy or empathy or remorse, to lie and rewrite history, calling me crazy and himself entitled and the continued abuse. ..I realized I no longer cared if he jumped off a cliff or tried to hump a hundred hookers at once or have sex with nen..I’m done with him.
FINALLY divorced from sicko ex. It was a big step. He’s got a new chump on the groom. Despite our long conversations about how it’s “too soon” to be introducing our kids (4 & 5) to other people, he took the opportunity in the “extended summer visit” (including the extra week I gave him, because I still have chump ways) to drag them into schmoopy-land (the poor narc couldn’t be expected to care for his offspring ALL BY HIMSELF!!!). Anyway, the youngest came back just smitten with Miss Next Victim. I had to listen to all of the stories about all of the fun they had on the water in my ex-boat and my ex-house. Meanwhile, I’m working 2 jobs with two kids, running around my townhouse trying to get everything together for “back to school”. And trying to suppress my urge to jump out of the window on “back to school night” while the classroom teacher hands out all of the instructions to all of the misty eyed couples hugging and looking at each other lovingly saying things like “how did our baby get so big?!?” I’m frantically answering text messages and juggling bullshit and saying things like “okay, that’s great. Thanks so much. Are we done? My babysitter has to go…” Ughhh… The injustice! The meh? The “meh” is coming home (to relieve the babysitter) and sitting down with my big-eyed girl’s and our big “too do” list. And also realizing that, staying with him MIGHT have equalled more financial security/bigger house/boat… But the “to do” list woulda been WAY longer… Nightly bj, pep talk about how all of his co-workers (the one’s he wasn’t sleeping with) are assholes, it’s okay that he blew a bunch of money that we didn’t have on vanity purchases, and last (but ALWAYS least!) suppress ANY self of steam or agency that I might still dane to muster.
I’ll take my OWN PERSONAL “too do list”, along with (as Chump Lady so aptly puts it) “the multi-tasking death march” over his bs add-on’s any day of the week! MEH!!!!!
Yes on being relieved of the extra to-do list! BJs, pep talks (on work, parenting), smoothing over the emotions of upset children because of his shitty attitude. The walking on eggshells is done. Never again. It’s a huge relief to say that he was wrong. What he did, how he treated his family and friends. It was just wrong. Saying this after years of rationalizing to myself and those around us, excusing his behavior, trying to convince him that he really is a family man (when clearly he isn’t and doesn’t want to be) – that puts me further down the road to meh.
Yeah, me too. My ex was never angry or anything like that, but his ACTIONS throughout all the years proved he had no desire to be a husband or father. His actions proved that his job and his ho-workers were #1 in his life. I failed to notice. His words said, “I love you and the kids”, but his actions said otherwise. His loss. Now he can be with his job all he wants and fuck, flirt, text, email with all the ho-workers his heart desires. That’s his dream life and he’s finally living the dream. I just wish he would have informed me that that’s what he wanted for his life before we got married and brought two wonderful kids into this world. Two wonderful kids that he barely had time for.
You are MIGHTY!
+1
Meh finally came when I realized last week that for 4 years I’ve been thinking I couldn’t think too badly of him–he’s the father of my children. I blamed myself for not noticing how depressed he was — if I had noticed I could have gotten him help and he wouldn’t have cheated. Last week his father was in intensive care and he couldn’t get around to visiting him. His dad (a wonderful man) died. I can finally say: MY EX IS AN ASSHOLE. I don’t share that with my kids. I should have come to this conclusion four years ago after what he did to our family but I glossed over that. It took seeing him ignore his dying dad that woke me up. FINALLY.
For me, the injustice still bothers me.
Me too. I will just keep going past this and hopefully one day i can say asswipe who? The complete and total disrespect and no honesty just completely blows my mind. But i survived, fuck him.
Tempest, I too know a little bit about injustice. And if I let it, that injustice would eat away at me. I finally decided that injustice is the way the world works sometimes, and that I am not so special that I get to be spared all the bad stuff. Yeah, a lot of things in my life haven’t been fair, but there are parts of life that aren’t necessarily fair either. That’s just the way things work out sometimes.
It’s not what happens to me, but what I do with it that counts anyway. One of the lessons I have learned is that I have lessons to learn. Things like I count too, and stay away from cluster “B’s”. Things like I needed to learn to treat myself better and to refuse to be treated badly by anyone. Things like I really needed to get to know myself better. Things like it’s pretty hard for me to give thanks for the blessings in my life and feel sorry for myself at the same time. Does this mean I’m a saint? Nope. I have spent my share of time wallowing in self pity. I just got heartily sick of the misery, especially the self inflicted kind.
I had to adjust my attitude. Yeah, life sucks big-time occasionally. That’s a given. But the one constant in life is change. The suckitude doesn’t stick around forever. I just have to wait it out and keep on stepping. Eventually better times roll around.
I hope this helps. Heck, I hope it make sense. But that is how I’ve come to look at the whole”It’s not fair” scenario over time. Sending all of you hugs.
Arnold–that’s what’s killing me, too. The injustice during the marriage is what still eats at me, perhaps more now because I am not focused on the raw emotions and the cognitive aspects of the power differential can now be contemplated more fully.
Not only did I give up tenure and a high-paying job so that Hannibal could have a more prestigious (and more lucrative job), I also did 90+% of the parenting, and 75% of running the daily life of the house. Why? So he could become even more successful and stop being surly (and frankly, his parenting skills left a lot to be desired). He was granted the independence to sit in coffee shops for hours seducing young graduate and undergraduate students while I cancelled meetings to run the kids to the doctor, or the dogs to the vets. His delicate constitution required 9 hours of sleep, and I averaged 5.5/night for over a decade to get everything else accomplished. I routinely complained that my life was largely one of drudgery because I seemed to be constantly working. Thus, even without the infidelity the balance was heavily tipped in his favor.
Now add in his serial cheating & deception–I thought I was at least treading water in the power balance of the relationship, but he was holding my head under water until my lungs filled. I still marvel at the disorder that could allow someone to do that to their spouse.
How do we come to terms with the power differential and severe injustice? I don’t know how to stop struggling with that. Why am I still so incredulous almost two years out?
The injustice was making life decisions believing we were on solid ground. All the time and energy we contributed seemed important given we thought it was a partnership.
The lengths they went to conceal the fact they were never bonded to us is the greatest injustice. It was calculated and deliberate. They played with our very essence as a human being AND DIDN’T CARE.
My mother repeatedly asked my father, “How could you do this to me,” as she cried about the injustice of his treatment, daily.
Unlike my mother I know the answer to that question. We suffered the injustice but we KNOW the answer and got out. This is how I deal with the injustices. I no longer have tolerate abuse.
Exactly. It has been about three years for me. I don’t know how we can come to the injustice. I have put a lot aside realizing the lies and the false self that he is. My life and career is beginning at age 50, feeling great, but knowing all he did and how he can maintain his image still hurts. People like that will get what they deserve is my consolation.
Tempest,
I’m right there with you sister. I didn’t give up anything with my job, if fact I thrived while he shifted from place to place, but I still left work to pick up the kids for doctor’s appointments, shifted my hours to evenings over the summer so that they would have me home with them, and in the first few years I worked nights and would stay up with my two year old through the day, slept during his nap time, then had dinner ready and slept a few more hours before work. It was hell and I think something only the young could do. I managed everything on less than 5 hours sleep while he needed a full nine. When I would mention it to him he said that his job was dangerous with all the machinery and he could get seriously hurt if he wasn’t mentally alert. I came home with a brace on my wrist one morning and he asked what happened. I told him this guy who was about 8″ taller than me and had me by 100 lbs took a swing at me. As I was taking him down to the ground, I landed wrong and sprained my wrist. He told me to be more careful. Jackass!
I don’t really think about the injustice of it all. I guess I more look back at all the things I did with my kids that he was too lazy and self-involved to experience the pleasure. He didn’t really involve himself until my oldest started playing baseball. I taught them both how to ride bikes, drive, swim, climb trees, build forts in the living room, and hundreds of other little things that still fill my heart with joy.
Yes, it was unfair and not equitable. But your beautiful daughter knows who her real parent is and she loves you. You know what you gained and he will never know what he lost.
Thanks, Annie: I don’t regret a single sacrifice or time spent with my children. How these cheaters could play marriage with such a stacked deck, against us, AND blameshift their affairs onto being our fault, still kind of floors me.
Tempest, one of my Youtubers (Dana) said something in one of her videos that struck me. She said “we” think others are the same as us. I’m not perfect at all, but I think I’m a good person. I wouldn’t intentionally deceive someone like this. I would never intentionally use someone. I would never cheat on my spouse. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there that can easily do this. And they do it without shame. For whatever reason, we got duped. The only thing I can do now is to learn from this horrible experience, so that it hopefully never happens again.
I can relate to your experience. I didn’t give up a job like you did, but I happily became a stay-at-home mom. I loved being a wife and mom (most of the time.). My ex had/has an important and stressful job, so I just wanted to do as much as possible to make his home life easy. I wrongly thought if I did most of the work, he’d have more time for the kids and I. I now realize he didn’t give a shit about the kids and I. Me doing more work, just freed him up to work more from home (at one time working seven days a week) and now from a good source, I found out he spends a lot of his working time socializing with the ho-workers. I did 99.99% of the work at home. His one and only job was to vacuum the stairs and he usually did that once a month. He didn’t cut the grass as soon as our son was old to cut the grass. He did no landscaping — I took care of most of that. He never once cleaned the garage or basement. I did all that. I did all the mean planning and 99.99% of the grocery shopping. I took care of all the holidays, birthdays, cards being sent, etc. I did 95% of the parenting. And he had the gal to say to my face after D-Day, “You never took good care of me.” He sucks and I trust he sucks. I had my blinders on or my head in the sand — I wasn’t acknowledging what my gut was telling me for over 25 years. Where does justice come from? I believe from God. We got screwed over. We got used. How our ex’s treated us is on them. Maybe we’ll see some justice some day and maybe not. All we can do is be our best selves and make sure we never get used again, so help us God. 🙂
Yes, Tempest, celebrate that you are a good and decent person. It is impossible to understand going through life with no empathy, shame, or guilt unless you are one of them. How is it possible to lie and cheat on your spouse for 30 fucking years yet sleep like a baby every night? They aren’t just a little different … they are mentally deranged.
Yes, I believe they’re sociopaths. Dixie Chump, I’ll never understand how they can live with themselves, be so selfish and cruel then have the nerve to act so righteous as if they’ve done nothing wrong.
Thanks, Martha. Yes, we were duped, and I don’t really expect justice (for one, my X is a highly intelligent & slippery bugger; he’s been evading consequences for many decades).
But my understanding of cheater/narc psyche is like holding on to vapor–I think I have it, fully get their manipulations and way of thinking, but then it slips away….because I just can’t understand how someone can do that to anyone else, much less the parent of their children. To my logical mind, it just does not compute. I guess I should celebrate that I’m unable to think in a disordered way?
Tempest, it doesn’t compute, because we don’t think like them — and that’s a good thing! I have driven myself crazy at times trying to make sense of what happened to me. It doesn’t make sense. It never will. That’s why “trust that they suck” is so nice. Last year my sister told me to say to myself, “That’s Assbrain (I don’t want to mention his real name.)” So, whenever he does something to irk me, I say, “That’s Assbrain.” Whatever he does is in his character and I’m no longer surprised by it.
Brit, I have no way of responding to what you wrote, but I could have written almost word for word what you wrote. It is devastating to realize you lived a life that was a lie, but you didn’t know it at the time. I have no idea either who I married. Well, I do now. He’s actually the mean person when the mask falls. That’s who he truly is. The “nice guy” is all an act.
Tempest, I sacrificed my career for my husbands moved to another state with a baby so he could advance in his. X would repeatedly tell me I had the best job in the world being his wife and our sons mother, that my sacrifice would pay off as we were working towards “our career.” He didn’t have much of an income at that time so we lived in sparse conditions but again the sacrifices made then he told me would pay off eventually.
“Our” career needed him to build flying hours so as he flew around the world while I stayed home living in the middle of nowhere with a baby. X could have made the commute once a month but he wanted his family close to where he was based. Looking back in reality he didn’t want the inconvenience of traveling.
If I had continued with my own career I would have a security, be retired with benefits. I’m envious of the people I worked with who are now retired and living comfortably, traveling and living a leisurely life.
Just another shit sandwich for me to swallow.
I find it disturbing how a human being could treat anyone so poorly after they sacrificed so much for you. I too have a difficult time understanding how a human being could be so unappreciative and be cruel to the mother of their children.
His career left me at home to take care of everything alone. When X was home he did very little. I cleaned, did laundry, shopped for groceries, cooked, did all the housework, I took care of the bills, home repairs, scheduled car maintenance, Dr. appointments, took care of son, school activities, volunteered, took care of birthdays, cards gifts, planned vacations, holidays and did all the decorating and celebrating and planning for those occasions. I loved being a wife and mother and keeping a nice home and taking care of my family.
As X’s career advanced he flew less but never made the effort to help other than empty the dishwasher. I’ve struggled with trying to understand how anyone can be so cruel. I trusted that he would be my life partner and always have my best interest in mind. I never questioned his motives because I believed in him and what he told me. I believed he loved me and had feelings and a conscious, that he cherished our memories like I did. Finding out he doesn’t is finding out I lived with an imposter for 25 years and I was taken advantage of and quite frankly scammed he was a fraud.
Realizing the truth that I was living a life that wasn’t real or my life wasn’t what I thought it was is devastating. I didn’t marry my best friend, I don’t know who I was married to.
Brit–you were married to a monster in a human body. The combination of what he did to you + alienating your son from you is evil. I hope there is a hell so that some of these cheaters feel the heat. slowly.
Which is really: “Trust that they suck” isn’t it?
Yep, it is…..Glad you found your way to join us, Finallyrhete.
The “trust that they suck” pursues us until it “Finally” overtakes us.
(My condolences on the loss of your children’s Grandfather….Death truly is an enemy)
I think you’re on the way when you know you’ll get there but you accept it can’t be rushed.
Profound. And insightful.
I’ve had a few meh moments; they occur when I am able to be focused on me not him, the path to this is making myself go out and engage in things I like even if I don’t feel like doing them that day coz I am stuck in thinking thinking thinking about that parasite… When I go out and do something I enjoy like a bike ride or a swim etc, it starts the feel good vibe of go me, look at me living my life, screw you I’m feeling happy…. I won’t lie, I can still fall spectacularly as I’ve done this weekend over something as simple as realising him and the new lady are still together in the love bomb stage in spite of me honestly informing her of his lies, but in between I have kept a happy jar to remind myself on the bad days that good days and even weeks now do happen and they will come again. X
Caroline
They go for NEEDY. I swear the whore he picked up celebrated every night fucking strange she picked up in a bar. She was planning on one night but she had a beach pass and she listened to him whine for hours. She was horrified he paid the bills and said SHE would split them with him. Sounds good. He lives in a DUMP with a whore.
You can’t reason with fucked up cheater logic. Don’t even try. Hold your head high and take care of yourself.
Communicating with the AP is some painful stuff, Caroline. Take care of your feelings after that kind of exposure. She’s been programmed by him to believe that you’re a crazy liar. Anything you say to her will be wasted breath. Believe me, I know. I tried to inform the STBXW’s AP just what a cheating whore she is. They don’t care. In fact, it just makes the sex that much more deviant and hot. And, I’m sorry to say, but they will probably stay together long past the time you care. They have a vested interest in making it work. Stay strong, C. Meh awaits, you just have to live through this.
I am not to “Meh” yet because he is continuing his reign of terror through the kids. He has now convinced my teenage boys that they are better off living with him. He is a special kind of sick. My kids have drank so much KoolAid they don’t believe the truth.
Truthfully, I am not sure I will ever get to “Meh” until he dies. It has been seven years.
GG live to your deepest integrity, try your hardest not to say a thing about him to the kids, and they will get to see for themselves.
I was told this by a ‘neutral’ counsellor, and I promise you it is true. It came to pass without me doing a goddam thing or knowing anything about it!
They are disordered. They WILL eventually f* over the kids. Why? Because they are disordered and don’t behave like normal people do, with love and consideration. And then the kids will see. No it won’t change anything, but they will know who they can love trust and talk to.
If I had any $$$$ to my name, I would offer this as a 100% guarantee.
My problem with the “just hang on and the kids will see it in the future” situation is that I’m scared my son will turn into him. He’s already using a lot of the same language to me and was abusive and angry for the past 6 months.
Gone Girl and others who have children under their cheater’s spell:
I too wanted to live with my narc dad as a teenager. My mom was/is a szitophrenic so the choice was easy at 12. My narc dad WAS the sane parent.
It took a few years for me to sort things out. I watched my dad’s mask slip many times. It took a long time for me to realize what an awful man my dad was and still is.
Teenagers are focusing on themselves and navigating their own lives. I made tons of bad choices but a made a few good friends, grew up, gave my dad 100 chances and he failed every time.
I am not close to my parents but I am closer to my mother because she has an illness she can’t control. She hurt me many times in my life but I pity the life she has to live in her mind. My dad, is just an asshole.
The only bad thing that actually came out of living with my dad, was marrying another emotionally unavailable man. I think if I would have waited a few more years to marry, I may have figured this out too and been able to right the ship.
We all know that life NEVER turns out the way we think it will and usually the polar opposite.
Don’t be Suprised when your kids come back to you years down the road. Leave the door open. My guess is you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
GG it sucks having kids with those azzholes. My X controls and manipulates my kids like hes’s trading on Wall Street! My youngest is 13. God knows im praying for the day when i can finally go no contact…
Thanks for the kind words.
I pray for the day my ex or his family goes into a narcissist fueled rage and my boys see the light. Sigh.
I have to think that they can’t keep a lid on the crazy forever, especially around teenagers. Teens have minds of their own, and the day the narc flies into a rage is the day the teen realizes that they’ve a nutjob as a parent.
It’s really bad when these nutjobs make a teenager look reasonable.
GG, I feel your pain.
What I have found is continue to be the sane and loving parent to your teen boys. Spend time with them and be grateful for those moments as I’m sure you already do. They are teenagers, they will eventually just say, “Dad I don’t like your f–king Kool-Aid anymore.” – Trust me on this!
I am almost 4 years divorced and I have had lots of Meh moments even though she has also been recently on a reign of terror through the kids. It’s debilitating and its OK to be angry.
What I have found is since I have experienced Meh – even though it is transitory – it’s much easier to bounce back to Meh even when these disordered-beings are continuing their destructive behaviors. The trick is DO.NOT.FEED.THE.BEAST. The result is you will go from angry right back to indifference within only a couple days. Huggs for you.
Same here, GG.
I only hope I outlive him so I can get some peace from the continuous mindfuck he inflicts on our sons.
Same here.
This
I can see the Meh in the horizon. But living with him still, makes it hard to be Meh right now. Especially when I accidentally cockblocked him the other day. I took too much pleasure in that for it to be Meh. But the fact that I get out, and have fun with other people and I’m glad I don’t want to talk about him while I’m with those people, makes me happy and certain that Meh isn’t far off.
Though, last night, he reaffirmed how gross he is, and how glad I am to be rid of him. He was in the bathroom taking a dump, and on the phone to his girlfriend. SERIOUSLY?!?! EW! He even wiped and talked to her. And then washed his hands, still talking to her. Ugh… It just… She can have him. No questions asked. I wish she’d take him right now. Please. I don’t need to be grossed out like that again. And no, I didn’t eavesdrop on them, the bathroom is right next to my bedroom. I had no choice. I chose however, to not listen to the conversation. None of my beeswax anymore.
You’re where I was, CrazyDogLady. I knew I had a cheater for 1.5 years before I filed. We slept together in the same bed, but no sex. I never let on I knew he was having an affair, and I have no idea why he thought that we were “normal,” considering the no sex–but he was so focused on Schmoopie that I don’t think he noticed. 😉 This was such a dysfunctional time!
Then I filed, but he dragged his heels through the entire process. I stuck it out in the marital home, which was tough (though I moved into the guest room). I was divorced 15 months after I’d filed, but it then took another 3.5 months for the settlement to go through.
You will definitely catch glimpses of Meh while you’re still under the same roof. These come from trusting that he sucks, knowing that he’s not your project to fix, and that you have enough going on in your life that you don’t need a soul-sucking parasite in your vicinity to keep you company.
You will be astounded by the sheer peacefulness of cheater-free life!
By the way, my CheaterX also used the bathroom to communicate with Schmoopie, but he did so via text. Until I realized he was also sexting her, I had no idea how he could spend so much time in the bathroom! Then I figured out what he was doing, which I thought was so juvenile and gross (really? Are we 5 years old that we feel that the sight of genitals are so naughty?), Then I laughed because I realized that they really are emotionally stunted.
Good luck, and it does get better.
When is he leaving?
No idea, DoingMe. The attorney thinks that if everything goes smoothly, 3 more months, unless he decides to move out sooner. It’s not as bad as it used to be, thankfully. I let the kids, dogs, work and friends fill my time.
Yes, but he washed his hands. How very fastidious of the shithead.
Bwah hah!
And she heard him flush! Now that’s sexy!
I know right. I am so glad he’s not mine. I can do way better…
CrazyDogLady, I did the living together thing as well, and it SUCKS. Hang in there and keep making plans to escape — whether you leave or he leaves. Even baby steps in that direction are huge victories and will move you closer to the goal.
By the way, what is a cockblock, and how do you do it accidentally? 🙂
He had been away on a business trip for several days and hadn’t seen his twu wuv in all those days. When he came home earlier than expected, I just got out of the house, leaving him with the kids.
When I got home, past midnight, he was still up. He gave me an evil stare. The next morning I realized he had planned to put the kids to bed and go spend the rest of the evening with his twu wuv. And I prevented that from happening.
Cock block is basically preventing sex from happening.
“Cock block is basically preventing sex from happening.”
I laughed so hard reading that I snorted the water I was drinking!
I’ve been divorced for so long. But everyone is right–if you had kids with these weasels, they will always be somewhere in the periphery. Funny thing is, if he happens to be some family function–last time was in May–I don’t even TRY to ignore his ass. It just happens naturally. He BORES the hell out of me with his prattle–it’s always about him. Never asks anyone “how are you, haven’t seen you in a while” or “can I get you a drink or an appetizer”. Always from the moment he encounters ANYONE he’s got to tell them about some crappy thing he’s had happen or some new toy he bought. BORING. My adult kids have told me several times he does this too when they go to visit him. His original AP is out of the picture, but kids have told me before he goes chasing skirt younger than they are (my older kids are in their 30s and my ex is 60). So yeah… what a piece of work.
You are describing my X, hahaha! Always, always about him. I didn’t even notice it when we were together, or it slowly evolved, but he has no normal manners. It’s not interesting to him to ask people about themselves, he just launches right in to his drama, purchases, or his latest yucky joke he’s telling.
Yep to the skirt-chasing, they are soooo delusional.
I never realized Meh,meh,meh and FreeWoman until you both mentioned it or maybe I did and had forgotten but I don’t ever remember X asking anyone how they were, what they’ve been up to, make plans with friends, offer anyone a drink, or offer help. As a matter of fact when anyone in the neighborhood needed help moving a piece of furniture he would make an excuse as to why he couldn’t or disappear. X never did anything without being asked.
Conversations centered around him he enjoyed immensely, when someone would ask what he did for a living you could hear the excitement in his voice almost answering their questions before they finished asking them. The conversation for the evening would be all about him and his career, blah, blah, blah. The other people in the room would have careers just as interesting but X would take over.
No matter what the conversation would be if X was in the room X would turn the conversation into a story about himself. He’s a legend in his own mind
I’ve never know anyone who enjoyed bragging and talking about himself to that extent and he could go on for hours telling you how wonderful he is..
CrazyDogLady,
I was in that situation for 9 months. It gets SOOOOO much better as soon as he goes. I hope you are able to celebrate that day soon!!!
9 months of living in our home after D-day2 with my lying, cheating wife too before I moved out. A necessary hell. Im bitter about her entitlement to our house (and everything else) while I do the work of moving out and readjusting our kids to a new life in town and spend a smaĺl fortune on rent. Regardless, I am happy that with the help of CN and my counselor i now see her for the selfish, superficial sociopath she truely is, and my freedom from her. Life is better.
My cheating liar wouldn’t leave either. I lived in hell with him for 8 months before I got the energy and moved myself and the kids out into an apartment. He just wanted to do everything in his own time and he had his “rights.” This all coming from a so-called good “Christian” man. What about my rights to live in a non-emotional abusive home? What about my rights not to be living with a person who was slowly driving me crazy with his presence? What about me? No! It was and always will be all about him and what he wanted. Screw the wife and kids. Who gives a crap what they are going through. As long as Mr. “Perfect and Special” rights are being honored, that’s all that matters in his small, little world.
I was stuck in the house with ex for four months after Dday. The stress and hell of it all was so bad, I have no doubt it took a few years off my life and aged me quite a bit.
Oh god I lasted 3 weeks with my ex whore then told her to just get the fuck out her mother lived close by…pure hell. Hang in there once they finally leave healing leaps forward
So good to hear my ex fuckwit is still living in the house crying all the time he even tried to rent the house across the street??? Fingers crossed he has a place ASAP and meh will be even closer for me
I just entered the fourth month… His mother also lives nearby, but he refuses to move out. And by law, I can’t make him.
30th wedding anniversary came and went without hardly being noticed, with no pangs of . . . anything, after 25 years together. Seemed like a bit if trivia about someone else’s life or some novel or tv series. On par with remembering that Kramer’s first name on *Seinfeld* was Cosmo. “Huh. Yeah, I guess so.” A small piece of information that momentarily crawled out from a dark corner of memory and then receded. The new life has emotionally crowded out the old, I suppose.
Add me to the recent 30th anniversary club (3 days ago). Shed nary a tear… Busy living.
Nicely explained Nomar, it’s pretty much how I feel.
I can barely remember being married to my ex, my life is just so different now.
I spent my 30th wedding anniversary on the beach in Corfu. Went with a friend and we watched an amazing sunset while swimming in the sea. Best anniversary ever.
Hey, my 30th anniversary was the day before yesterday! I had just helped my daughter move in at grad school and flown home missing her intensely, so I thought I’d be extra sad and depressed on the anniversary. Ex is hateful to me and still with his affair partner and of course I envision everything all rosy and perfect between them. I am not divorced yet, so still have that lovely process to look forward to.
But as it turned out I was fine! I wasn’t on the beach in Corfu or anything that fabulous, but I was OK! And for me OK is actually pretty fabulous!
What can I say, we rock! Bring on the meh!
I see glimpses of meh. I don’t cry over him anymore.. I cry for the financial loss and the pain caused to my children. I think meh will come when the financial settlement is reached and I get my new home and when I see my business recovered from his financial rape of it…
I’m gonna follow AllOutOfKibble’s lead and give myself a catchphrase.
“There is no pre-divorce meh.”
Oh thank you. I sometimes see a glimpse of it, but we’re just starting the divorce process and it’s hard to try to do that and be meh.
I don’t think you can because there is too much focus on getting things settled. It’s like trying to rebuild your earthquake damaged home during the aftershocks. It’s impossible and all you can do is save as much as possible by removing valuable from the house for safekeeping. I think during the divorce process you need to fight for what you want and go grey rock as much as possible. After the fallout is over you start rebuilding without this person and go no contact as much as possible. Rebuilding you and your life leads to meh.
Excellent analogy! I can see it’s focusing on you and your new life that sets you on the path to not caring about them anymore.
Yes it is excellent! Now i no longer care if asswipe lies, breathes or dies. For the first ever in my 60 plus years on this planet im making it all about me and what i want. Not yet at meh but getting closer!!!!!
Sorry meant lives not lies. Im having a day! Whew!!
A few months ago he came by the house to see our kids (he lives out of state). I remember just looking at him and thinking, “God, I feel nothing for this man”. No love, no hate, no anything. A lifetime with this person and now he really is “just somebody that I used to know”. Then I thought of ChumpNation and ChumpLady and figured out that this must be a meh moment. It felt really good.
Thats exactly how I felt yesterday when he was here. Except probably to add, I was slightly BORED. There he was trying to fill me in on all the latest details of his ‘fascinating’ life and all I could think was – just GO already… GO! You are so boring.
Reminds me of a song I love, by Australian singer songwriter Gotye
https://youtu.be/8UVNT4wvIGY (hope the link works)
Bravo!!???
I have meh moments more and more frequently. If someone asks me what/who he is doing, I can honestly say “I don’t know or care.” The last time I had to tell a casual acquaintance about the divorce, I could say with honesty “It is a good thing.” And I felt no need to elaborate.
My un-meh moments are fewer and farther between. Perfecting my gray rock technique has helped.
Since we have not done mediation yet, and I expect that he will be awful, I am anticipating and allowing myself some very un-meh time in the future.
Being in meh is one of the things I didn’t ever think possible at D Day1, 3.5 years ago. But, I can do meh. I have recently learned that I can also change the air filters in my car, switch out light fixtures and do all sorts of very cool things. Meh is just one item on the list!!
Oh! How do you change the air filter in your car cabin?! I need to change mine!
I’ve also found that I can mow the lawn, lay tile, paint, take out the garbage, do all these “male” things, and I’m just fine. And I can do them, while taking care of 2 kids, 2 dogs, working and taking care of the house.
Chumplady needs a youtube video on How to Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life … for those of us who are visual learners!! Someone once posted one of those “talking bears” ones … that would work!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1kT4u_D5PA
Someone posted this awhile ago. It should get you started, even though it doesn’t fit your exact situation, I like her attitude.
LOVE IT!!! Typical cheater running around worrying about his precious sports equipment. I kept our pets and won’t let him in the door to visit them. I bookmarked the song and will include it in the email I will send to my friends to let them know the divorce is finally done. Wish I looked like her!
Dixie – no you don’t wish you looked like her.
You got the spunk she has, that’s all that matters.
And, go to a Karaoke to sing along with her.
I think it’s a great way to announce your divorce! Yes!
Oh, man. She sold his dog. Nice!
I know. I felt a little pain about her selling the dog, then I thought that it has to go to someone better than him. Anyone has to be better than a cheater.
My dog ALWAYS growled at him when he walked in the room even if had just walked into the kitchen to grab a quick something. For six years, he growled at him. No more growling now!! I think my irish setter is smarter than me!!
Thanks all y’all for the dog stories. I never tire of talking pups!
You gotta love Irish Setters.
I have a (for lack of a better word) a difficult dog. He doesn’t like everybody and hasn’t since he was a pup.
He’s a great protector, I’ll say that but he had an interesting sense about people.
Since we travelled extensively with the cheatress and her current husband showing dogs, they were always over in our m/h having cocktails and my boy didn’t like her at all. It embarrassed me but every time she’d pet him in her drunk way, hanging on him too hard, he had his hackles up and I could tell he didn’t like her. He never once warmed up to either of them and they tried hard.
I look back on that and it gives me great confidence that dogs know a hell of a lot more than we give them credit for.
I also could talk dogs all day! lol
My two dogs are doing wonderfully. They’ve stopped all their bad habits now that there is no stress and they’re not getting yelled on. It’s amazing what a little love can do.
Exactly about the dogs being much happier!
There is NO stress at all.
I’ve never even had one fight with myself.
I didn’t realize how much damage we were doing to our dogs when we were going through ‘the troubles’.
I would get so angry being gaslighted and I slammed a lot of doors. That was bad of me because I knew it was affecting the dogs.
Then he lost complete interest in them about 2 yrs into his affair, and I did all the dog-walking, training, showing, etc.
In the end, he had no trouble abandoning them completely – and his older 2 dogs had a hard time with it.
I’m not sure if it’s related, but they died shortly after. One of old age (the one who stood by the door for 2 wks waiting for him) and the other at just 6 yrs.
I have no doubt the stress was very hard on them as well. I’m really sad about that.
A serious question there. After a disconnect from a cheater, I’ll bet dogs are happier too! ??
The canines are always most happy with those who love them most. Ive kept all three dogs he left his twice along with me. Now asswipes dog is firmly attached to me!
You tube video!!
I also fixed my air conditioner, because a you tube video told me that my make and model had a bad batch of components.
All that stuff ^^^ you can do makes you a goddess!
Never mind! YouTube to the rescue! 😀
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsVw8S7QT_A
Walked passed him as I was leaving the bank, he was being “Mr. Nice Guy” holding the door open for strangers. He was too trying to impress people with his Mr. Nice Guy mage to notice me.
I had no feelings other than what a huge ass he is.
I chuckled to myself at his new “look” wearing wire rimmed glasses, dressed in tight shorts and shirt, hair cut short and combed perfectly. His look at me “I’m perfect and a great guy” look on his face.
Yeah, I saw my ex at church doing the “nice guy” thing. What a big fucking act! He NEVER EVER volunteered his time to do the stuff he’s doing now. It’s all an act, so all the people at church can say, “Oh, he’s such a nice guy!!” No, he’s an asshole. He’s a pathological liar. A cheater. One person at home and another person at church. One person in public and a different person at home. He views pornography and jacks off into tissue while viewing pornography. He masturbated before church while I got up early and got the kids and myself ready for church. He’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He sucks and I trust that he sucks. And I’m not the only person in the world that knows he sucks anymore. So, I know it’s not just me..
X had nothing to do with our neighbors (weren’t as educated as X) a few months before X’s grand exit on Mother’s day, X charmed the neighbors into thinking they’re BFF’s. We lived in this neighborhood for 20 years and he rarely waved or nodded acknowledgement. I’d find X out from chatting with the neighbors. I thought it was nice that X was finally socializing. X was only using them as his support system. X eventually had them convinced them he was a victim. X has a prestigious job which makes X more valuable to name drop. Switzerland friends can have him.
One personality at home, the porn addict, angry, critical, the Mr. Nice Guy to outsiders, funny, a charming gentlemen, the professional, the great Dad or the angry Dad depending on his emotional state of mind or who he would like to impress at the moment.
Other’s know X is a phony and if they don’t eventually the’ll find out.
Brit my ex also attempted a physical makeover, new hair, lost weight etc… Except he actually looks terrible now (this assessment is from others, not from me as I refuse to see him). The good guy facade just doesn’t hold up in the end, their true self comes to the surface, new clothes, new glasses, new cars be damned! And THAT helps me feel a little more meh every day!!
You, good looks aren’t worth a cent. A turd with sparkles and a pink bow is still a turd. 🙂
Autocorrect! That “You” should have been Y U P, as in “Yes”. Gr. 🙂
Lol!!!! Perfect Amiisfree!!
Sometimes I feel like I’m there, but sometimes I feel like I took a brief detour away because we have kids, and I am forced to deal with his passive-aggressive BS when I email him about our kids. Recent example: as we have shared legal custody, we need to make medical decisions about our kids together. I recently emailed him about some testing I’d like to have done on one of our kids (not for anything life-threatening), and after emailing him a detailed account of our kid’s doctor’s appointment and the results and asking him what he thinks about the testing… nothing.
He plays this little game where, instead of getting back to me in a timely fashion (within a couple of days), he stays silent in his usual “you’re not the boss of me” manner. It’s rude and disrespectful, but I try to remember that his aim is to make our every interaction difficult, and that’s helping me to take his behavior less personally. I think someone on here posted yesterday about how the cheaters treat us poorly because then we get angry or go NC on them, and that makes them feel justified in cheating– “See how mean she is! She won’t talk to me anymore! That’s why I cheated!”
However, when I don’t have to interact with him and deal with his immature cries for attention, I’m pretty meh. I think the lesson here is that the more NC you can be, the more meh you will become.
I, too, get passive-aggressive resistance from my STBX on kids’ medical issues as we have joint legal custody. If it weren’t from disordered, abusive STBX preventing the kids from receiving much-needed medical/psychotics like services for years and taking me to court every couple of months, I would probably be at 99% Meh. If I didn’t have to accept a very modest paying, 70-hour/week, constantly stressful job at a very rough inner-city school to support our kids, I would be closer to Meh. I think that I am at 95% Meh as my boyfriend thinks about my STBX (e.g., ‘why does he constantly give you (chump) a hard time?’) while that question doesn’t even cross my mind.
It’s hard but I bet that inner city school is damn glad to have you. After years of devaluation, you have landed someplace that knows how valuable you are and folks are grateful for your presence every day. So easy and treated like shit versus hard but respected and loved and appreciated … I’d say you are doing fantastic. Glad your boyfriend worked out too!
Hi Dixie Chump,
The following is not a complaint–more like a public service announcement on the realities of teaching in some places: I wish that I felt valued at this school. Some students started telling me I was a bad teacher from Week 1. Many kids often tell me to go to H–l for just asking them to sit down, stop eating in class, stop cheating on tests, etc. Supervisors ask me to buy food for one class (although students receive free lunch through the government). (Supervisors offer to reimburse but buying and carrying around snacks for one class of students every day makes me morally and physically uneasy). They also ask me to skip lunch in order to work. They ask me (and other teachers) to teach several subjects outside our credential subject. (I am not a chemistry teacher, so why have I been asked to teach a college level chemistry class? Are we serving our students or faculty well by doing this?) Some of us are packed like sardines. (I share rooms with a few other teachers.) I walk up and down stairs carrying heavy books and papers every 30-60 minutes all day. I cross my fingers that my possessions (e.g., laptop, phone, car) are neither damaged nor stolen and no fights break out in my classroom. I think that I may be fired from this job (generally no tenure at charter schools) although I work very hard at it and have several years experience in academia. I rarely see my own biological children any more as I spend virtually all my time outside of official work hours working. I get little sleep and almost no exercise aside from what I get lugging stuff up and down stairs in ‘professional’ attire several times/day. I have an almost constant headache. I frequently think about walking away from this job, never to return, but I don’t have any other job offers and must work full-time for at least 25 more years to feed my family. This lifestyle is the legacy of my marriage/divorce. Living/dealing with monstrous STBX was good training for this job! I am grateful for supportive relatives, friends, etc., though.
RSW, I completely understand!
If you don’t have the time and energy to look for another job, at least put in a request for other schools and see what other teaching opportunities are in your immediate area.
I had a career experience that sounds EXACTLY like yours – add in fights almost everyday in my classroom, no planning period ever, and a student getting arrested by police and hauled out during my class.
Lo and behold, a little private school had a PT opening for one of my degree areas (hated teaching outside my subject like you) and I got the job. Then, the PT teacher in the other of my degree areas quit, and the school felt I was the natural choice so … now I have a decent paying job teaching the subjects I love at a school with respectful students (hated being sworn at everyday like you). I feel very appreciated at this school.
You can do this. If that unlikely opportunity happened for me, something equally great can happen for you! Sending you support and encouragement! You are brave and mighty. I have read your posts in the archives so, really, you are brave and mighty and amazing.
Thank you, NeverWiuldHaveImagined! I am glad that your career improved dramatically!
Wait. What? Boyfriend. Spill it! Glad to hear you’re doing better RSW.
Thank for asking, Ian. My old friend of 30 years started dating my five months after my STBX left. Boyfriend went out with me for one year and then broke up with me on our anniversary (guess he got cold feet). After a few months apart, we started going out again. Amaxingly, things seem to be going quite well now. Looks as though there is hope for chumps–even old, ‘encumbered’ female ones!
Hope things are going well for you!
RSW – Wow, wow… I am so sorry you are still trying to finalize your divorce!
If that can be of help in your ongoing battle or temporary arrangement, I would try what Dixie Chump mentioned above. I was not able to swing the excellent wording Dixie Chump put into her divorce settlement, but if that can be helpful to you, here is what I negotiated with my X (who should be awarded a Doctor Honoris Causa in passive-aggressive vagueness).
For medical, all school and extracurricular activities, each parent attempt to agree with the other about what is best for the child… If they can’t agree (shocker…), each parent can make absolute decisions about the child during their parenting time, and cover the cost on their own. So yes, I pick up the tab and I take care of all the logistics, but my kiddo get access to therapy, tutoring, orthodontics and any services she needs.
My kiddo is young, but seeing a therapist is helping her navigate her 50/50 between her dad and me. Having that 3rd person to validate her feelings helps me stay the course of providing her with a sane environment when she is with me.
This deal is far from fair, but it is part of the shit sandwiches I have to gobble down for having bred with a Cluster B.
Chumptitude,
Thanks for responding. I appreciate hearing from others in the trenches! If I can earn enough to pay for braces (on kids’ teeth) and kids’ psychiatric/medical care, I will consider trying to do what you have done.
Moving On-
Chumptitude is spot on like usual.She rocks!
As another example, Just email him a detailed account of you kid’s doctor’s appointment and the results. That is it. No feedback is required for that.
Since you share legal custody and as a hypothetical, if a decision is needed, just outline YOUR decision based on what you know is best for your kids. Phrase it just as Chumptitude outlined above. Did I mention that Chumptitude Rocks?
Sorry my keyboard when nuts on my tablet, switching to desktop :)!
Thank you SureChumpedAlot, right back at you!
I learned all my strategies to fend against my X right here on CN, including some of your comments on trying to be the sane parent.
None of this is easy, and yep, Meh comes and goes in a waves of infuriating moments that become less and less frequent as my new life starts to crowd my old one. It is a slow tortuous process, especially given that the only area where my X seems to excel since our divorce is to have infinite ways to suck. It is especially hurtful and infuriating when his sucktitude impacts our kiddo.
But thanks to a daily dose of laughter and wisdom here on CN, I am forging on, thank you CL for providing this forum, and all chumps for sharing your stories, strategies and biting humor!
ThaNKKJTCH y
I have a bit of the opposite going on. All of a sudden, after not wanting to be involved in any child rearing decision for 14 years, he suddenly feels the need to be all informed about everything. But you know what? Our settlement agreement states “husband and wife shall discuss all major decisions regarding the minor child’s education, extracurricular activities, healthcare, religion, etc with the wife having the right to make the final decision should the parties disagree after discussing the matter.” In other words, I am always legally entitled to make all the decisions!!! So Blow Me!!! Ha Ha Ha!!! And yes, I wrote that language and asshole is too stupid to understand most of what he signed. heh heh … sorry … I feel SO un-meh. I should not post today!!
Haha! Fucking morons!
MovingOn – my X tried that too. I shut that off quick by never asking him questions, I state what I will do based on the doc’s recommendation and tell him that if I don’t hear from him by a deadline (5-7 days) with a plan with dates and the medical doctor contact he will proceed to get a second medical opinion, I will proceed with the plan I outlined.
I used this for medical decisions, as well as any schedule change or contact with him, his non response is taken as agreement with my plan.
That has solved 90% of our conflicts and has enabled our kiddo access to the care she needs.
For the rest I rely on Bill Eddy’s BIFF communication framework.
Hope this helps!
Thank you. That’s an excellent suggestion. I’m going to use that next time.
YES, I am there! MEH! It took a while, I’d say 3 years, and it’s now over 4 since he left me for his younger co-worker. They are married now, I only found out via Fb, that stung a little, but now you know I don’t think about him or the marriage hardly ever. Just finally got rid of the furniture etc. I have a new relationship although I didn’t want one for a long time. My advice to anyone going through it is to concentrate on yourself, treat yourself often, realise you are worthy and a truly amazing unique person. MEH land is waiting, keep moving forward and you’ll get there eventually.
This is really great! Thank you!
Yes. Super. Thank you Finding Bliss.
Thank you for sharing! Oh please let this be me. I NEED this to be me. I’m three months out and dying.
At three months out I was not only dying but killing myself trying to go out and meet new people and have fun fun fun (said with gritted teeth smile). I felt I had to prove that I wasn’t going to hang around the house and wallow. I attended a work conference and they had a portion about mental health. The woman talked about how we get sucked into all of life’s commitments and don’t take the time to do the things that are important to us as individuals. Her advice is to think about three things that are important to you and you enjoy doing and then focus on those three things. Mine was not going out all the damn time. I thought about it for days. I finally came up with maintaining my home (it gives me mental permission to just stay home and work on my gardens, fix trim, paint, etc.), exercise my mind and my body, and exploring new places such as restaurants, hiking trails, museums, etc. By focusing on what I like to do and what is important to me I don’t feel like I’m racing to keep up or catch up with some non existent competitor. Some of the best evenings are coming home from the gym after a hard days work, blowing bubbles for my dogs to chase, and then reading CL after a hot shower.
Sounds like a lovely evening to me! I love reading your posts/comments, Annie. You sound so wise and like someone that would be great fun to hang out with.
Thank you. I’d like to think that people enjoy being around me. I absolutely love to dance and do it always. Fucktard would almost never dance with me, so I’d end up dancing alone, with other girls, or sometimes with strangers. I sing all the time too. It’s impossible to be anything but happy when you get up and dance and sing. I chuckle when my kids come over and yell over the music, “Can you turn that stuff down?” I think it embarrasses them when I break out with Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” But then again, I do it on purpose.
It will come.
No contact is your friend, if you are in a position to do NC. If you have children, you can’t go completely NC, so you’re going to need to set up some firm boundaries so that you don’t communicate on anything other than the children. Many chumps like Family Wizard for this purpose.
I would say I’m not at Meh yet, but that’s because I wonder what he and his skank Schmoopie are up to. However, I tell myself that I do not need to unblock Schmoopie at this time. Then I discover I’m too busy with life to deal to think about either of them.
You’ll get there, too.
I am so sorry to hear that your pain is so great right now, neverwouldhaveimagined. Please keep your eyes focused on the prize–your beautiful, cheater-free new life. It does get better. With NC and time, the hopium gets out of your system and the poison and mind-fuckery you lived with daily dissipates and you are able to internalize that they truly suck and no matter what else happens, you are better off without them.
I clung to this hope in the early days. I longed for Chumps who were further along to keep reassuring me that the pain would lessen. I thrilled to read of their triumphs, improvements, dating and remarriage. It was my lifeline. You know what? I’m there. At Meh–that blissful state where the amazing peace and joy of being cheater-free permeates every day.
I have been NC for well over a year. I have set and met many personal goals, and reacquainted myself with several hobbies that the ex had cut me off from. I’ve made new friends, traveled, and cut off all the other unhealthy people from my life. I feel stronger every day, and am filled with gratitude to CL and CN for listening to me, supporting me, teaching me to love myself and set boundaries, and for making me laugh again when I thought I never would stop crying. This forum is the only one that I spend time on because the advice and support here are priceless. The grief begins to dissipate. The joy comes. First step, leave that cheater!!! Second step, come here and learn how to gain your life back!!!
I love being in Meh, and if I could, I would send all you long-suffering and newbie chumps a daily postcard from here, giving you glimpses of what awaits you upon your arrival. I really do wish you were here!
Here’s today’s postcard from Meh, addressed to all who need an encouraging word. The photo on the cover is of a meandering stream, set amongst limestone bluffs. Bald eagles and scarlet tanagers fly overhead. A brook trout splashes nearby. Here’s the message on the card: I can hardly remember what ex looks like now. No one talks about him, I don’t have to see him, and frankly, I’m just too busy with my new life and adventures to spend any time thinking about him. Fill your life with as much beauty, joy, comedy, adventure, learning, music, babies, animals, sunsets, etc. as possible. Most of these can be free. Crowd out the old memories and pain with new ones. Be gentle with yourself. Allow only kind and supportive people into your inner circle. Above all, know your worth. Keep on believing. With love and encouragement, FindingBliss
That’s beautiful, FindingBliss!! 🙂 I was going to write to neverwouldhaveimagined, but you said it all so perfectly. 🙂 Neverwoudhaveimagined, I’m not at meh, but truly it does get better. I had a hard time believing it myself — will the pain ever go away? Will I get myself back? Will I believe able to do all this on my own? The answer to all those questions are “yes!” It WILL get better. I lived here at CL and CN for months and months. I read EVERYTHING and if someone directed me to another website or some book to read, I did it! I haven’t done everything perfect; I’ve made a lot of mistake in the last almost two years. But I am getting better. I am healing. And I’m truly, truly THANKFUL not to be living with the lying cheater anymore. He messed with my mind and emotions for over 20 years. I didn’t see it until I was out of it. You’ll get there. I know I’ll get there someday too. Big (((HUGS))) to you. 🙂
FindingBliss, your words of encouragement bring me sorely needed comfort. Thank you on behalf of all newbies! I am saving your virtual postcard and will re-read it when needed.
Neverimagined–you’re just a newby. The first four months are HELL. Then you get an hour here & there where you relax a little, but it’s still painful for another few months. One foot in front of the other is the best you can do at this point. Hugs!
It was two YEARS before I didn’t spend almost all of my waking hours thinking about ex and the whole nightmare. Another year before I stopped spending the majority of my time thinking and talking about it. Yet another year before it got down to just a few times per day. I’m now more than six years out, and engaged to a good man, so obviously I did move on to meh, and if I did it, so will all the rest of you! But it takes time, it takes a great deal of focus on your OWN life and it takes as much NC as possible.
Thanks all of you. I just need support.
This topic is great because relief from the pain, Meh, is all I’m holding onto today.
He cleaned out his last belongings from the house this morning and took my name off of all our remaining joint accounts/assets per the MSA.
I’ll have a court date soon. I’ll be on here a lot.
Shechump, I could have written your post almost word for word but I didn’t find out about a red haired bitch I found out about a blonde triathlete attorney.
I was living in a fog of disbelief , shock, devastation, humiliation.
At the same time my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. My head was spinning.
X then decided it would be a good time to send my Mother e-mails and updates on our correspondence, then calling her to make sure she received them and fill her in on his perspective. He would end the conversation with divorcing your daughter is the best thing I’ve ever done. Even after my Mom asked him to please not call her with his updates or send forwarded e-mails between us that it was not her business it was between X and me. X continued to torment her.
X not only forwarded our e-mails to her but to everyone one our e-mail list, everyone we know. X would avoid sending his e-mail that I replied to making my e-mails look like I was upset without any provocation. It would be so upsetting and frustrating I felt absolutely helpless. Mr. Nice Guy, made himself to look like the innocent victim.
Very cunning and cruel
Blonde Triathlete attorney Bitch, that is.
I remember that day for me and it’s a tough one.
It takes time to get to meh but believe me and the others who are further out you will eventually get there.
Sorry you’re going through this but always know there’s someone here to offer moral support when you need it.
Take care and big hugs..,
There will come a day when you will say ‘neverwoukdhaveimagined how amazing it is to be free!
?
Tempest is right Neverimaged. I’m 4 mos out and Meh feels like a pipe dream. If I can make it through an entire day without crying, I consider that an accomplishment. Just when you have a seemingly normal moment… The pain rushes back in. Sometimes, it feels worse than the first few weeks after D day.. I’m guessing probably bc of not being able to put your mind in denial mode any longer. It makes it worse that my STBXH is still trying to get back with me…. BUT I trust that he sucks AND I know that all these wonderful people in CN can’t be wrong….MEH will come eventually. 🙂
Hang in there Katbug!
4 months post D Day, I still couldn’t write a coherent sentence … You are doing great!
I think that I was still paralyzed long after four months post D-Day.
I was also still very traumatised two years out. And my thoughts are, over seven years out, that you are never ‘healed’, but always healing. I couldn’t swallow food for over a year. Let alone talk to people or plan anything ‘normal’.
I was so paralyzed 4 months out that I couldn’t read a book, couldn’t watch a movie, didn’t know where my head was, didn’t know a damn thing about how any of this was going to turn out. I couldn’t even think that far ahead. This lasted over 2 yrs. Every day, the thoughts of this demise of our marriage consumed me. I was also blindsided like so many here. It’s a real shock. When he asked for a divorce, I didn’t even ask him why. I just calmly said, OK. (and, I’m grateful for that reaction). So glad I never begged. But, that’s when the real drama started and I discovered the affair red-handed, and – you’re damn right I became hugely crazy bitch from that point on. I deserved so much more. He was afraid of me, looking back. Since the house sale drug on for over a yr after our divorce, I spent every single moment writing him emails on how he had no integrity, honor, faithfulness, character, you name it…and what a loser he became. He read them all (why didn’t he block me?). No, he read everyone (even the schmoopie jokes of the bears), and commented saying, I wish you could get over your anger. I am praying for you. Which did.not.help. ha! Just enticed me more. He has NO idea what anger is when you’ve been so ripped off. Funny how shock and denial is the initial reaction and also funny that he didn’t know my strength. Joke was on him as I was way ahead of him on how much cheating he’d been doing with this slut.
We have a mutual admiration society, SheChump
Thanks Louisvilleflower?
and sadly, you can’t rush the healing. I came out of the starting gates after D-day kicking ass and taking names. And I already trusted that he sucked (didn’t know the full extent of his suckitude, but I was one more incident away from leaving him when D-day hit). But I’m still not fully healed, 2 years out.
Nonetheless, progress can be made and then you go backward; you can understand something (“he/she sucks”) and it takes awhile for the heart to catch up. Things that weren’t triggers may become triggers. It took 1.5 years before a minor crisis (yet another plumbing fiasco) didn’t lead to the urge to curl up in a ball because I could.not.handle.one.more.thing. Ride the pain, don’t fight it. Just make sure you do at least one thing, everyday, without fail, toward self-care.
How true Tempest! One thing everyday towards self-care helps so much!
Focusing on that and making new friends on CN and IRL have helped me tremendously.
Unfortunately, sharing 50/50 custody with my X and his girltress means that I am exposed to re-traumatizing events often. Throughout the divorce proceedings, the level of hurt that came with each of these new events was so high I couldn’t believe what my life had turned into.
After the divorce was final, I was able to take more distance and to little by little distance myself from all that crazy and towards my own healing. It takes an enormous amount of time and effort for our heart to catch up with you heads!
Now I have more and more Meh moments, where I see my X for what he is, and stay calm when his pathology negatively impacts our kiddo. This dance will continue until our kiddo is grown… A lifetime of schadenfreude ahead.
It was 4 months of HELL for me, too. Once I got past that mark, of course with no contact, I started to feel like there is life after this Hell. Neverimagine, don’t give up….baby steps!
They say these changes come in waves, so Meh moments get longer with time while un-Meh times turn into moments. It’s really habit building, so repetition builds the new reality. Simply by being out of the relationship every day, your brain is experiencing the repetition it needs. You are getting there without even perceiving it. Have faith!
Amiisfree, exactly! Meh comes in waves until it seems to be a permanent state of mind! I’m mostly at Meh with an occasional unmeh moment and I truly mean moments! What a tough journey to get here but so thankful I found it. Thank you CL and CN!
It WILL be you..! I’m 2.5 years out and it really does get better..just hang in there
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
It will get better. Get a therapist, get medications from your doctor if you need it, meet new people ( I’ve met some wonderful people on meetup), just go out and have some fun. Oh and either no contact or, if that’s not doable, grey rock. Don’t talk to him, do not acknowledge his presence. Don’t cook or do laundry for him. Just take care of you, and any kids and pets you may have.
neverwouldhaveimagined,
I know how you are feeling too. I am almost 3 months out. A month and a half ago I really felt like I might just die with a broken heart!! I’m getting a tiny bit better with each passing week. Did I say tiny?? 🙂 Have you gone No Contact? I have struggled so much with that. I finally, on Monday blocked him from my phone. It will help you so much if you can do that. I still get emails daily. I try not to answer them. I’m realizing that all his verbiage just keeps me hooked emotionally. It’s the hardest thing for me to “trust that he sucks”, but he does, he was screwing another woman the last 18 months!, while I ran around like a crazy person trying to fix everything about me! And he was toxic! Manipulating, twisting, blaming, starting fights over anything or nothing. I kept asking him “Do you still love me, because is doesn’t feel like it?” And I was praying for him. I thought he had a mental illness. I never, never considered he was having a affair. I was blindsided!!
I am sorry you are going through this. When you feel grief, just let yourself cry it out. It is part of the healing process. Make some small goals for yourself (self care). The book “Getting past your break up, By Susan Elliot” was very helpful to me.
Hang in there! Its going to get better than it is right now!
((Hugs)),
Freedom
Yes, thanks! I’m reading everything recommended. You’re so right about NC.
Thanks for the book recommendation, Freedom2016. 🙂
I’ve been ‘Meh’ for a few months. Not sure how to describe it though. Upon first separating I wrote a journal, when I read that now it’s like I was a different person, I suppose that’s the answer. I’m different, strong, independent and happy. Not caring about what he’s doing, who with, what he’s thinking/talking about is so natural now. To all those still waiting for ‘Meh’, it’ll happen, it’s gradual but one day that switch will flick and it’s terrific!
Back in the early days, a few years ago, I kept a journal. I found it recently, buried in the bottom of a drawer. When I read through it, I really saw how far I have come. It was hard to believe how bad things were, how much pain, fear, anger and self doubt I struggled through. My life today is not easy, but it is nothing like those bad days. It feels so good to be done with all that drama. I threw the journal into the dumpster; that life is behind me now, fading away like a distantly remembered nightmare.
Yes, GIO, it feels so good to be done with the drama! The constant drama and chaos-creating, instead of just being a partner!
I found a letter I had written to him, when I was cleaning the attic prior to moving out. It was so pathetic, I was listing all the ways he wouldn’t help me raise the kids, or even just spend time with me, and I was giving him solutions to help out. Such futility! I wish I had known then about the ‘it’s not that they don’t see, they disagree’ concept. He knew what I wanted, before I told him, but he didn’t wanna…Wah, you’re not the boss of me! I read that letter, just shaking my head at how hopeful and naïve I was, and this was before I found CL!
What this whole experience has taught me is to never again invest in someone who (a) isn’t enthusiastic about spending time with me; (b) tries to make me feel bad about myself, when I know I’m not that bad; (c) lies. Fuck ’em.
Good list, Tempest!
+1
This is wonderful Glad!
I went back and read some of my journal entries when I was still married. Boy, it really showed me how sad and depressed I was back then. I’m much more emotionally healthy now! Even though I miss our family being together, and I miss the person I thought he was, I don’t miss the person who crushed me and then ground my heart into the floor. I’m glad to be in charge of my own life instead of trying to pretzel myself into someone else’s.
I did the same Lyn. I felt so sad for the married me. Always vowing to try harder. Such a relief not to live that life anymore.
Verity, “always vowing to try harder.”……same here, so glad not to have that drama in my life. I’m good enough for me…..BOOM!
Yes! I was always determined to try harder in my marriage. Now … no drama and no one resenting the hell out of me and criticizing me. Life is so much more peaceful and I’m much nicer to myself than Cheese Fries ever was.
NMSB. Your BOOM always makes me laugh.
I think meh comes when you finally realize that person you married was never who you thought he was- from the very beginning of the relationship. I had this vision of who X was and what our marriage meant to him. But it wasn’t reality, it was just years and years of my refusal to see him as he was. Once I accepted that he had never been that person, it became much easier to live a full, productive life without him. The other thing that changed for me was the recognition that my wants and needs are as important as those of my family. I always put myself last and that is just no place to be. Now, I do the things that I couldn’t or wouldn’t do because it might displease someone. I am more content than I have been in many years. Meh is a state of acceptance that comes slowly, but it eventually arrives so long as you let it.
So well put, Violet. The divorce settlement was final last week and immediately afterward he sent me a nasty text. At first, his fury sent me into a tailspin the way it has for over twenty years … but two nights later, I was done with it. I trust that he sucks. Finally my heart caught up to my head and I could see the pattern so clearly. He gets mad, has a temper tantrum, martyrs himself, and blames me. Over and over again, with big things and small. And I spent twenty-two years placating him or getting angry back or hoping he’d learn to manage his anger or thinking that if I just used the right I-statements he’d understand how this affected me. But no. He’s someone who lashes out in hurtful ways when he’s angry. And I’m someone who’s not going to be treated like that anymore.
I made a huge leap to meh in the last week. I’m still too angry and hate him too much to be meh, but a lot of the grief has settled. When I remember things about our life together, I accept them, good and bad. That’s my past and there’s no longer an emotional part of me screaming, “Why? Why couldn’t it work out? Look at everything we had.” We didn’t have what I thought we did, and he wasn’t who I thought he was. I accept that. And I’m ready to build a new life.
“Why? Why couldn’t it work out? Look at everything we had.” We didn’t have what I thought we did, and he wasn’t who I thought he was. Yes this…
Violet – What a beautiful post! Very insightful.
Violet I never saw him until I did! Great post.
Violet, I could have wrote what you wrote. Word for word. From the very beginning he was acting and once in a while, the mask fell. But I always thought he was the person he pretended to be. And I failed to accept or acknowledge that he was showing me all along exactly what I meant to him — nothing! Just something to use, like a tool. The kids and I, just cake. People who pretend and use people are evil monsters.
I did the same thing Martha and Violet, I held on beleiving he was the person he pretended to be, the person I thought I married. Over time the mask slipped more frequently, I chose to ignore or overlook those moments to avoid a confrontation.
Eventually I began to accept his disdain as normal, not realizing how bad it was.
He so clearly showed me who he was and how he felt about me but I was brainwashed into holding on to the person I thought he was. (if that makes sense)
They are truly evil.
Especially in the last few years we were married his abusive nature became more and more frequent. I recall overlooking his increasing nastiness. I could feel myself becoming more anxious when he was around and trying harder to please him.
If I look back and recall his arrogance and the condescending attitude towards me and the verbal abuse sometimes disguised as “joking” I almost feel like crying that I allowed it and never stood up for myself. It really is like a form of brainwashing.
When I first entered into our relationship and early in our marriage I wouldn’t have tolerated his abuse. The abuse is insidious, he knew how much I valued our family, how important our son is to me and how hard I worked everyday to be a happy family. He did nothing but criticize and feel sorry for himself.
It makes what he’s done even more heinous.
I journal, too. (Mostly to keep from sharing my feelings with him.) I hope when I look back I see progress. I hope one day I have a life to write about without all this drama! So glad you are at Meh.
everything would be great and glorious at this point years later if dating wasn’t so horrible. Men in their 40s want 20-30some yo and I am at 40, not interested in 50 yo men. It’s like they win again.
LOL..
I’m a 52 year male.
Funny, I just quit the dating sites. I was looking for women between the ages of 45-55: and frankly very few respond to me.. The ones pursuing me were in there 20’s and 30’s and 60’s…odd. I did manage to date a few 40 year old women…..and wouldn’t you know two were married (out of there babe) and the other two said I was to old and that they were used to dating men in their 20’s.
I have had some success with women in their 50’s that have children that are grown or women in their late 40’s with kids…. Haven’t found that special one that doesn’t set off alarm’s….lol
I gave up and just do my things, run, yoga and some stand up paddling and various weekend events; getting used to being alone isn’t as bad; though I enjoy my daughters when there able to come around.
The men you are talking about are trolling. You don’t want them anyway. There are good men and women on dating sites and those that found a deep relationship are with people close to their age. One woman I know is an introvert so she had to force herself to join dating sites. She stopped trying several times for the same reason you have but the last time she met her sweetie. He is younger.
Every time I see a picture of some actor with a much younger woman I roll my eyes. I assume some people through work, friendships etc find a younger lover but any man that limits himself to young girls is limited himself.
I know several couple who met this way. One thing they all have in common is that they are/act like grown ups.
I met Nice Guy on PlentyofFish. Last year, my oldest brother married a woman he met through Chemistry.com, they are incredibly happy together. There ARE good finds on the dating sites, but it’s just like any other area of life…. you have to weed through a lot of trash to find the treasure. Don’t give up.
If you knew how much these posts help me….thank you. I am just not doing well. I become worried about this…..abyss of grief. Thnk YOU for the virtual hugs and warm words. No one understands but CN.
Dear Sylvia, I experienced the same phase as you did recently, an abyss of grief, and it is a wave that will role by. Keep breathing, there’s nothing more you need to do. When it subsides, new insights will arrive that will detach you more from the past. Your heart will sing again.
Sylvia, Honey. I just want to tell you that you are enough, just the way you are right now. You don’t need anyone to complete you. You are unique and precious just the way you are. Sending you mega hugs…..
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This. I have gone backward. Somehow, I have reached a deeper level of sadness. (Warning: I am a Negative Nelly right now).
This is a grief reaches down into my stomach, and makes my bones like lead. A sadness that makes you not give a damn. About anything.
My real D Day was Mother’s Day. But months of misery leading up to that.
And what you just wrote, I believe, dating experiences triggered it. I am 40 as well, and let me tell you….the dating pool we are swimming in is enough to make you long for
your X, as fucked up as that is.
Be careful about this: Most of these 40 somethings….they are still married. They are having problems in their relationship (READ: they want to cheat). I realized yesterday that I was living in crazy town when I was in a text argument with a man, who somehow forgot to tell me that he was not only not divorced…he still lived under the same roof with his wife. I frantically texted him and said: Never contact me again. Do you know what he texted back? ” I think u r selling yourself short.” He was extolling his wonderful qualities. You see…these cheaters are deeply mentally ill. I was missing out on the prize that was him. He was actually aggressive with me because I was cutting off contact.
Head shake…what? I said, No, I am 110% certain that cutting off any involvement with a man living with his WIFE, where you pathologically lied…is the right choice. He drove 5 hours to an area where I live. Leaving message..I got this great suite with a jacuzzi. I blocked his number. This is just one of the morons. It is no problem meeting them. It is when you starting unpacking who they are: things that don’t add up, painting the ex wife as a monster, where he was perfect (not buying it) or having catastrophic financial problems, saying mean things about their ex’s weight, talking about beating a 16 year old stepdaughter with a belt (CLICK).
Another layer of tragic: They are not even that attractive. I don’t want to be with someone who has moobs and skin tags.
So, you look to the younger guys. It just does not work. It is not even their fault. You just don’t have much in common with someone who does not know the song Piano Man, by Billy Joel. Who does not read? Who puts LOL after every sentence?
And so my thoughts always, always, always circle back to my X.
I can’t believe he did not value us. I can’t believe he threw it all away for drugs and whores. I can’t believe that he does not miss me. I can’t believe he never cared about me.
And you are right. It is like they win again. I wish it was not so. My X is with younger women (but with lots of children from different fathers, these women have FELONIES, that use drugs, trashy low life). So, I know they are no prize…but-
It would be so much more tolerable if I saw some hope. I was even googling how to take away my sex drive. I was trying to talk myself into not craving male companionship.
I want to date. I do NOT want to be alone. I *know* meeting someone would help me. I have never been married and have no children. I have had enough of solitude for a lifetime. But the term *baggage* was created for a reason. So many of these men are so disordered, they lie because they want to have sex. They have very messy lives. Being with them would be like hugging a tar baby.
Sightings of Meh? No. Something happened and I am going backwards. Either this is the big final push of grief, or I am doomed.
*TIP: If you start talking with someone and they push push push for you to use the app KIK…it is because the messages are deleted. Read: THEY ARE CHEATERS.
I am sorry if I brought anyone down. I am being honest.
But, you know what? Through it all….I have not contacted my X. Not once. I refuse. I think of him cheating, and I would sooner cut off my fingers. In fact, cutting off my fingers would be LESS pain that speaking with him. My God, his cruelty. That is my only “WIN.” And I have not slept with anyone out of sheer loneliness. I just can’t do it. You see….I *LOVED* my X. He was the only man for me. And I know he is fucking like a horn dog. It breaks my heart. But I do not contact him, ever. I have stopped researching him. We may as well be on different planets.
Maybe that is Meh? In itself? Hugs to everyone who feels gutted. I am with you.
Sylvia,
Being a chump can come with some very low lows. Just when you think you’re doing okay, the bottom falls out again. Only it doesn’t fall out. Not really. Each time it falls it doesn’t go as deep. It sure feels that way at first, but you have got to go through the entire grieving process and then learn that being alone does not equate to lonely. Please give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you feel at the moment. It’s okay and it’s normal. If you didn’t feel the grief, then you’d be just like them, and we are so not like them.
Silvia,
I admire your resolve. Several times I went back to my abusice, cheating ex because I was lonely (and scared about raising young kids without financial support from STBX–I was nearly 50 and hadn’t worked at a ‘real’ job for several years).
Sylvia
The whole process of detaching is painful. Dating too soon is very self defeating. More than anything I wanted him to eat the words, “No one will ever want you the way you are.” Setting out to prove him wrong by dating too soon left me an emotional wreck even though it was one date.
I would recommend getting stronger first. For me it was about gaining control over my emotions and learning to take care of my own needs. Feeling confident in yourself comes after you fully detach.
He is an asshole; the devil you lived with. Gain strength first, raise your bar higher and you never have to compare. You will know exactly what you do want in a relationship. You deserve this. Take care of you.
You are a beautiful writer and an even more beautiful person, Sylvia. I am sending you a big virtual hug.
I remember researching “how to reduce or elinate your sex drive” while I was married to ex. Yep, almost 30 years of deprivation! And why did I tolerate such neglect and disrespect? Poor boundaries and putting my needs last. So nothing to miss there. I know you’ve written before that you had good sex with your ex, so I’m sorry for the pain and longing you’re stuck with now. I do believe there are good men out there, but firmly believe in avoiding dating sites. Can you join a gym, a club, or a meetup group? I belong to several outdoor activity groups and the single men ratio is pretty good there. I prefer the safety of meeting men within a group setting.
Stay beautiful.
Sylvia,
One thing that helped me was understanding how much more I deserved than living with an abusive cheater, even if that meant I was alone. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, learn to enjoy yourself and being alone. Once you get there you will be ready to date and find someone that truly deserves you. They are out there and you are young, I am in my fifties and I feel like there are plenty of guys, but I am also okay just hanging by myself or with my girlfriends. Find a hobby or join a meet up group. I would stay off the dating sites, I haven’t seen much good come from those. But it is okay to feel sad, give yourself a hug and take good care of you.
Sylvia,
You are not bringing any one down, you are just sad and I empathize with you. Emotions remind us that we are human.
You mention, “I want to date. I do NOT want to be alone. I *know* meeting someone would help me.” – I feel that in order for you to find serenity you have to see that you don’t need “someone” to make you feel complete.You have to be loving to yourself and enjoy the gift of life by experiencing the things in life that make you happy. When that “someone” then comes by, it just makes your life that much more special.
Sylvia, you aren’t bringing anyone down… This site is to express how you feel and gain strength from others and find strength you didn’t know you had…
When you say “I can’t believe he did not value us. I can’t believe he threw it all away for drugs and whores. I can’t believe that he does not miss me. I can’t believe he never cared about me.” That is a feeling that will fade with time, but I understand how fresh it still is to you. I must confess that Anthony Weiner dug it all up for me again and I was cursing him out like he did it to me! HA! Like everyone said here, time will heal… You will feel less and less toward that POS. All you can do is take one day at a time and take the small victories! Hugs to you for your heartache… I know it’s tough, but hang in there.
Been in Meh for quite some time, hating the cheater and trust issues she caused stuck with me for years, but both are now gone. Remarried. Can’t quite quit CL blog reading addiction though, U enjoy it so much.
Chumpman, It took me several years, too, but I am totally at Meh. I haven’t forgotten the pain of what happened, but I have come to peace with it all. My ex nor the injustice no longer holds any importance to me. That’s all in the past and not part of my present life. I don’t know what my ex is doing and I don’t care if he’s happy as a lark or living in misery… I’m just glad to have gained my freedom!
CL’s blog is empowering (and addictive). I wish she had been around when I was going through D-Day and the aftermath… Better late than never, however! Such a great source of support!!
I believe I have the same addiction to this blog! 🙂
I’ve been asking myself the same question! Another addiction, oh no.
But, everyday I read almost every post and I always learn something.
Or definitely interested in helping others through their pain.
I’m not sure I’ll ever give it up!
Not at meh as dday triggers are starting to arrive. I posted on the Forums about it.
3 yrs later . . I’ll never ever forget how I felt.
Coming up on 2 yr anniversary of the divorce.
3 months since last contact. Yes, it helps a lot. But I don’t think the pain will ever go away.
Like Sylvia – I really only loved my husband. Nobody even comes close.
Yeah – he was such a nice guy . . . . But, really he was.
SheChump
“Like Sylvia – I really only loved my husband. Nobody even comes close.”
This is the truth for every one of us here. We loved our ABUSERS.
That pain lingers long after regardless of no contact.
Yet the pain eventually changes. It changes with the knowledge you WERE loving, giving, loyal, and invested. And despite this he CHOSE to lie, cheat, expose you to STD’s.
Unloving our ABUSERS is trauma inducing because we believed. I had to knock him off the pedestal and see him for what he was, a pathological liar who told me he loved me every day he was fucking strange.
Knock him off the pedestal. Look at the actions. The slow boil kept us there. Getting angry, facing the truth, and knowing it was an illusion helped me see.
The pain is finite. It shifted to reevaluating how I tolerated him for 41 years. And you forgive yourself. And get strong.
Hugs Shechump. I hope that anticipating the triggers lessen them. This site really is my crack. I’ve fallen behind in the last few days but kept thinking, it’s a long weekend, I will catch up. CL is like having ice cream in the freezer. If you know it’s there, you just have to have a taste.
I hear you Annie – and then on weekends, I start on the Forums cuz I miss everybody….
My first taste of meh came when I attended my son’s graduation party at the X’s new place. The in-laws were there and a girlfriend of the X, plus plenty of mutual friends. I never felt better when I walked in, everyone happy to see me but the look on the X’s face and his girlfriend was very telling. They both looked stricken as I smiled and really enjoyed myself.
I didn’t even care that his new place was hoarded up already, a total mess, he wasn’t prepared for the party at all, he was still putting one of the bathrooms together, literally putting in a toilet as guest were arriving. My contribution to the night was when I went to the store and bought plastic silverware and ice since he had neither. Then I preceded to have a wonderful time talking to friends and left without helping with any of the clean up, not my place, meh!
As I was writing about my meh, the X was texting me “I am sorry I ever hurt you, I hope someday you can forgive me.” This 5 years after the 3rd and final Dday and 20 years of putting up with his abuse.
But what he is really saying is “I am sorry I am facing the consequences of my actions. I wish you would get over it and let me abuse you again because that really makes me happy.”
Forgiveness is not about not having consequences, it’s about not wanting revenge. I don’t want revenge, but he still has to face the consequences. Meh!!!!
“the X was texting me “I am sorry I ever hurt you, I hope someday you can forgive me.”
ChumpedtotheMAx – This asshole is texting you this line, because NO ONE on this planet wants to tolerate his ass. He is single and no one wants him. So what do they do? They go back to good ol’ faithful chump that they had no problem abusing for decades + and treating like shit. He cheated on you, so he treated you like shit. Where was the love then? Where was the sorry then? I guarantee you that once they find someone new, they will toss you in the trash in a nanosecond. I hope you responded, I haven’t given you second thought, get lost. Too little, too late.
Nah, I don’t respond to crazy anymore! no contact is beautiful meh! ha!
Wow, pretty powerful stuff ChumpedtotheMax…..Meh.Check……Karma.Check.
More smiles to you!
Fuckers deserve each other. I can only imagine the fun my ex wife’s AP is having supporting her ass. He can have her and her entire disordered family, happy to be rid of them
Yes KB, don’t forget that wonderful family of enablers!
Oh God no kidding…her mother was a cheater too so they can all enjoy each other’s company.
The ex also had a cheating narc mother….apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!
I don’t know if you elaborated elsewhere, NMSB, but did you say your X is hoovering you? Sorry to hear that if true.
Very nice! Well done!
Awesome!
This made me smile
I live meh. I can tell by how joyous my time with family and friends has become.
Mehland’s boundaries become more established and defined the longer you are there. At first, the borders are scratched in warm jello with a rusty knife, but bit by bit – your hard work at making a new life takes the place of all the un-meh.
I wish it was easier. I can say it takes more time than you think.
Took me almost 2 years.
So, Mehland has pie (yeah!) and a Lady with a torch to welcome you to a new place – one free of the NIGHTMARE of living with a cheater.
I will never be happy about the years wasted with an idiot, and I’m not ready for a new relationship. Might never be. I’m over 50 and spent my entire adult life twisting myself into relationships that never gave back.
Take heart, new chumps or chumps that have to parent with an amoral subhuman. Someone out there feels your pain when you post, cheers your accomplishments, and prays that we all, everyone of us, finally attains the life we deserve.
I’m with you! 30+ years of “twisting myself into relationships” that rarely gave back. I’m not going to do it anymore!! I’m enjoying my ME TIME most of the time. I’m trying to figure out what I want out of life. It’s a slow process as I totally lost myself in my marriage; no clue what I like to do or what I want, because I spent 25 years waiting and waiting for him to have time for me and time for us as a family. He was always busy “working.” Dangling a carrot in front of my face and telling me that “some day” he wouldn’t be so busy. Well, “some day” never came. It was all a lie from the depths of hell. Over the summer I had the opportunity to “date” someone and I said, no, I’m not ready. I don’t know what I like yet and I can so easily see myself twisting myself into someone I’m not in order to not be alone. I’m fine being alone. I like hanging with myself. I’m a nice person. It’s so beautiful to be free from all the lies, cheating, mind games, gaslighting, blame shifting, his FAKE USER FAMILY, and of course the cheater himself!
Martha,
You’re in Buffalo right? Send that man to Rochester. 🙂
Wow, you have a great memory! LOL. I don’t even recall mentioning I’m from the Buffalo area. LOL. Send him to Rochester? I’d like to send him a lot farther away than that! 🙂
I recall it had something to do with commenting to Tempest remark about Horny Goat male enhancement and the Three Goats restaurant. There are some things in this life that remains stuck in the brain, such as Horny Goat.
LOL. Yeah, I remember Horny Goat. I can’t believe that stuff is real! 🙂 I think in the thread that the Horny Goat showed up, the “Sad Sausage” meme showed up too. Oh, did I have a great big laugh over that one!!! 🙂
I love your last paragraph! Great sentiments to share!
Martha, that is the perfect song! Its amazing you can hear a song throughout your life then”zing” it is your truth for a moment. My playlist has gone from sappy, misunderstood, hopeful, angry, to “I don’t Care Anymore.” Thanks
That was weird that it posted here. It was a response to a later post.
* my response here was that my ex father in law always made it known that whoever took care of him when he was sick would get his inheritance. Crazy. Someone like his wife who stood by him for a lifetime would be discounted if someone had to step in and care for him. Threats and control. Happy to be out of that. His wife died last year and my ex is living with him now. My ex texted me last year asking if I would come help them. Two old geezers living in a nice home and probably calling in his favorite prostitutes. Had I not left before his mom died unexpectedly, I would have been stuck as an abused caregiver for both of them.
I visited my mother in law before she died and my exs dad said he was learning a lot. I thought he meant about cancer and caregiving. Nope! It was how to use a washing machine, cook , and clean. He never had to do that in his entire marriage. My ex said his dad already had a girlfriend in depositions. I bet they both pour on the sad helpless stories. Abusive toddlers.
Chumpfor21, same here….I am so tired of “twisitng myself into relationships that never gave back.” My favorite relationship is with ME right now. 🙂
Amen. I was married to CheaterX for 26 years. Being single in my 50’s feels absolutely awesome, every single day. The freedom is truly liberating.
It really is ..together 24 years and now over 2 years out I’m not sure I even want a real relationship, I’m finally comfortable just being me and hanging with my (our) kids (she left they don’t hardly see her)..enjoy the freedom on the weekends to just relax with no stress and her stupid lies and “nights out with the girls” (yeah ok)
I think those of us who are “older” and are leaving long term marriages feel some measure of freedom once we have gained distance. I absolutely LOVE my time alone, probably because I had so little of it when I was married and raising children. I do not think I will ever live with another man because I do not want that for myself, now. Time will tell.
Amen. At age 51, men approximately my age are closing in fast on needing a nurse. And thanks so much, but not really what I wanna do after all these years of parenting and caring for a needy spouse. I would do it willingly and lovingly for a man who shared 50 years of devotion and loyalty with me, but that little idea sorta fell flat now didn’t it!
Wow … our ex assholes sound like twins. My father in law also had Alzheimers and my MIL devoted 10 years to his care … it was really hard on her and none of her children helped her much at all. My STBX is very worried it will happen to him too and he was counting on me being there to help him out. Nope.
And a note to the guy chumps … sorry if I sound heartless. It is really just my anger speaking right now. If I met a wonderful guy and we fell in love, rest assured I would do everything in my power to help him no matter how few years we had together. These are only hypothetical discussions!!
Amen, Dixie – the X started having physical issues around age 50 because of all the body building and arm wrestling he did in his past.
He let himself get out of shape and either had a bad knee or a bad shoulder or carpel tunnel…. Lots of surgeries.
When he found himself at the curb 9 yrs later, his hair stark white and standing on ends everywhere, with a really bad limp, a martini problem and he was getting pretty fat. His dad died of Alzheimers and he was paranoid he would get it early like he did. . . He worried a lot about his health.
This image is what I have of his schmoopie taking over.
10 yrs younger. Since I know her well, she is NO nurse – not sympathetic to men’s headaches and such.
I would have taken care of him in his old age and he knew it. I ran circles around him as it was. Like the others’ here, I did everything – cleaning basements and garages – when did that become our job? He just didn’t seem to be very motivated about anything but ‘work’. Right. work.
So then he gets prostate cancer and the entire thing has to come out. I’m pretty sure Nurse Schmoopie didn’t stick around for that.
Exactly how I feel Violet and MehMehMeh. I finally own my own life. Not the least bit interested in going back to any kind of caretaking or tap dancing. I decide what/who is in my life today. I t is wonderful to finally have that kind of autonomy.
I feel the same. I have so much serenity in my life it’s incredible. I had kids and a long marriage. And I divorced in my 40s while putting kids through high school and college. I dated some but after all of that, I so love my free time! I can come and go as I wish. I realized something with this holiday weekend–I made last minute arrangements to go on a road trip. I could just do something fun for myself and not have to worry about anyone else. Do I have gas in the car? Yep. Do I have money to go? Yep. All I have to do is give a key to the house to the neighbors to come over and check the pets for a couple days. I don’t think I want to live with anyone again.
My ex came to the door yesterday to drop off our daughter. We had a normal conversation and he talked about his summer trip with the OW who he left me for, now living with. I felt nothing. It was like some random person was talking to me. Or a client of mine. You can get to the place where all feelings are truly gone. For me, MEH took about 3 years for a 15 year relationship.
So, I had a nice Meh experience today. I decided to look the old dog up because of this post. I haven’t looked in a long time and wondered what he might be up to. (Narcissists aren’t hard to find on the internet, generally.)
I found his wedding page on a popular wedding site. He’s getting married AGAIN. I was wife #1. He remarried two weeks after our divorce (he had just met her), then again about a year later, and I think there have been a couple more, so this might be wedding number six or something. I don’t know. That’s Meh #1.
Then I see that he has turned the fact that they met on a dating site into a long romantic yarn about how they have been ships passing in the night since… Six years before he divorced me while he was on vacation with me and she, apparently, was somewhere nearby. This made me literally snort-laugh out loud. That’s Meh #2.
Then I felt guilty for laughing at this woman because she married him and is now going to have to deal with his voluminous horse shit, so I felt sad for her. That’s Meh #3.
At least she’s age-appropriate. He had to get parental permission to marry wife #3. Insert derisive snort-laugh here.
So glad this pantload is in my past. More Meh-sandwiches, please, waiter! 🙂
It is unusual for a GUY to be all about the wedding, but I think that would explain so many marriages. He must really love all the pomp and circumstance and attention that goes with it. I mean having a wedding page when it is your sixth one?! Maybe it was the bride wanting all the hoopla but narcs will seek out the attention and dressing up for pictures and posting it all on line at the drop of a hat!
“Had to get parental permission to marry wife #3” you are so funny, and he’s such a sad pathetic thing.
Though this kind of makes me sad. My X’s family was wonderful; I adored my MIL and am glad she died before I found about X’s affair so that she left thinking we had a happy marriage and two lovely daughters. It would have killed her to know that he broke up another marriage due to emotional abuse & infidelity (the wife prior to me had lasted 10 years).
Well, it IS sad. As far as I know, he has never had any children, which helps. And, his family is MEAN. I am glad that, in your MIL’s case, she didn’t have to live that pain.
Hilarious !!
Voluminous Horse Shit sounds like a good name for a rock band!
He’s musician, so that’s fitting. 🙂
I’m pretty much “meh”. I saw some information pertaining to his neighborhood that I thought he needed to know…..but I just couldn’t work the energy to even email or text. He’ll figure it out on his own, or not. If I see him at a kid thing, I’ll speak to him, heck I may even sit by him, but it blows my mind it was someone I lived with almost 25 years. He’s just a distant aquaintence. I’m sure he sees me the same way. Weird, right?
Two years out for me…My stbxw announced she was taking the kids away with her Boyfriend and his kids to play happy families this weekend. This time last year I was in bits when she announced they were trundling off on a ‘Happy family” break, but today I thought to myself “Great, I have time off for some ‘Me time’ and time to spend the weekend with my fellow chump”
Yours sincerely
Mickey “Not quite there yet but slowly on my way to the land of MEH” blueeyes.
I feel meh these days when:
– My ex’s new girlfriend doesn’t bring up any emotions for me. No feelings, just meh. It’s a good thing.
– I attend school events with my ex and don’t feel any emotions towards him. Feels good to only wanna focus on the logistics of co-parenting.
– I can look at guys and not think they’re all dicks. (I know they’re not, now, but it took me awhile to not assign blame to the entire gender.) Many are wonderful.
Thanks to CN for posting. I need this encouragement right now. If others can do it, so can I.Thank you for leading the way to Meh and sharing.
I am banking on NC being the most direct path to Meh. (Thank you AOK and CL.) Unfaithful has tons of charm and easily manipulates plus all the equity and chumpy, loyal me. No more. New, honest life please.
First, I got him out of my bed which was easy once I found out he never ended the affair I forgave him for. Then, I got him out of my house, out of my yard, and out of my community by not allowing him to come in and use the bathroom or make me coffee, then no more stopping by to “take care of the pool”, and then demanding he hand over his remote to the gate and setting up exchange points for the kids instead.
Finally, I’ve got to get him out of my life to survive so I went to the lawyer’s, and MSA is done now, just waiting for a court date. Excruciating, but I did it. It’s done.
I just trust I can get him out of my head and then out of my heart even if I can’t imagine how that’s possible because the sorrow and loss is so great right now. I cannot live with this anguish so I’m working my way through the profound pain. Day by day. Step by step.
I pray Meh is up ahead somewhere!
You will get there! You are making great strides already and on the right path!
XH is a piece of fiction. Literally. Had a short published and another completed. Got the ending I wanted this time…
..should add, ending was goodbye.
goodbye is a fantastic ending
I aspire to achieve the type of acceptance that Luziana – of “pie, bitches!” fame – outlined in her witty guest posts. But with young kids who are still reeling from the month after month fallout of their Dad’s affair… I’m not there yet.
ah, Luziana. a star among chumps
It took over 3 years, but I don’t feel like I have a target on my back for his rage and hate. I don’t defend my choice to divorce him anymore. I shrug when people ask me what is wrong with him, don’t know, doesn’t matter. I didn’t cause him to be an asshole, I couldn’t cure it, and I couldn’t live with it.
Meh is when he’s dropping the kid off or picking up and out of nowhere he tries to be social, like “Have you seen this movie? I really think you’d love it because blah blah blah blah blah” and I’m just like “Yep. I saw it.” and then wave politely and close the door in his face.
Meh is when his girlfriend (not OW, just the latest unfortunate victim of love-bombing, and is very nice to my kid as far as I can tell) texts me to vent about the latest irresponsible thing he’s done or spent money on, and I just smile sadly at my phone and absentmindedly try to come up with a nice way to be sympathetic without saying “Did I or did I not tell you so?” while I finish up the dishes.
Meh is when snail mail still comes to the house for him (though I asked him nicely three times in the early days to please change his address with the postal service, and saved a few important-looking things for him up to about 1.5 years ago), and I just take the mail and place it unceremoniously in the trash can. Every single day.
I find it so odd (yet it’s common) how these cheaters’ new toys think it makes sense to ask the cheater’s partner or former partner for advice and/or commiseration. One of my X’s wives actually asked mutual friends for my number when they were getting divorced so she could “get my perspective”. What, we have the same idiot in common, so we should now be besties? No, thanks, Lady! The drama train left the station a year ago.
I think I’m at Meh because I can think about her and what happened and not really feel anyway about it. I think if I saw her today with the OM I would be like ah. Good luck with all that. I’m not even sure what I ever saw in her.
But sometimes I’m not sure because someone can say something to me that really bothers me. I’m a Christian. Several weeks ago, someone said to me, “… what are you going to do when God tells you he didn’t tell you to divorce your ex-wife?” It was a very hurtful statement and for some reason sent me into a spiral of upset. Suddenly all that hurt came back. Divorce Minister has since set me straight regarding Biblical grounds for divorce. I already knew the stuff but I guess I just had to hear it from a real friend.
So I’m wondering if someone could be at Meh but still have triggers.
Michael, I am sorry someone said that to you! I tried for a few years to be friends with a group of devout Evangelical people, people who attended the Mega-church I’d wandered into while coping with severe depression. These folks all tried to make me feel like shit about running away from husbands 1 # 2 (1 was gay, 2 was violent). All I had to do was picture the horrible moment when #2 (hah) threw my baby son against the wall to realize these people were f@cked up to think I should have stayed. Yes, God hates divorce – if it’s disagreements over how to pronounce ‘tomato.’ But God hates child abuse even more than divorce. Not surprisingly, these friendships didn’t last, but they gave me a temporary refuge when I was suicidal, so there’s that.
Funny you should mention evangelicals and mega-church because that’s this guys background. I’m so of turned off by their legalistic and pharisee like attitude. And also their supplementary doctrines and pompousness. I’ve been searching for a new church home.
“So I’m wondering if someone could be at Meh but still have triggers.”
Absolutely, and most likely you always will, although those triggers will get fewer and further apart. If the trauma and the damage is bad enough, it leaves a scar on your psyche. You heal, but the scar remains.
As for those idiots bleating about God judging you for divorcing…. remind them that adultery is a biblical grounds for divorce and that it’s your EX who should be worried about God’s wrath; He is quite clear about his intolerance of adulterers and liars.
Walk away from them. Granted there are very few reasons for a divorce, and yes God hates divorce. But looking at the big 10, thou shall not…. adultery and covet are in the top ten. And the bible does give one the right to leave an adulterous spouse. If you are a Christian, you are expected to forgive but that does not mean you have to live with them. You are on solid ground!
I’m not sure if you are expected to forgive if the person doesn’t sincerely say they are sorry, ask forgiveness, and then actually change. In my case that didn’t happen because my ex didn’t think he did anything wrong. Instead of forgiving in the traditional church-taught sense, I am focusing on letting go. Besides the Greek for forgive seems to mean “a sending away,” “a letting go,” etc., so I think my approach is fine given the circumstances…
The Bible is clear that we should forgive as Jesus forgives us. And He forgives us when we repent. So if there is no repentance you are not obligated to forgive. In fact forgiveness without repentance is only enabling. There is no accountability in that and only serves to encourage sinning.
Yes, this is a perfect explanation. Exactly.
Michael,
I’m a Christian too! I thought my husband was one…Well, here we go…34 years and six kids. They youngest is now 18. The last year has been the worst hell of my life! Started discovering some questionable things and thought it would be ” normal ” to ask about them. I’ve spent the last year being thrown under the bus by my ” Christian Husband”…Told that I was wrong. That he just lied to me because of ….(gives stupid reasons). I almost believe him.
This all started last September so it’s been a year. The best one…Checking on her fb page to see when she began to be so lovey dovey with her husband because…Yes. She’s married and a Christian too!…So, I’m checking and I see that she has booked a cabin with her family for the mountains. For Christmas time. Last year. I look at the place. Two weeks before I found my husband looking at cabins on our computer. Not unusual as we love the mountains. We’ve been looking in that exact area for two years. So I look at her cabin and realize it’s the same cabin I saw my husband looking at two weeks before. I waited until the next day and told him. He had no answer for that.
We went to counseling. This all came out. The counselor’s wife was not there this time. They were licensed counselors. Friends of ours . I told him about all of this. We had already been to them once. The cabin thing came out. I told him that when we argued about it that husband said that Yes, they had looked at cabin and talked about going there. (I was told later that he just said that because I wanted to hear that..Ummm..NO!). Counselor guy acted weird. Told my husband he needed to give me time to forgive him and told me I needed to forgive husband. Hmmm… Next day, tried to write his wife. It took her a week to write back but she did. They are divorcing. He beats her.
We find new counselor. Won’t even explain what happened with this one.
I left him in June. Barely made it thru youngest son’s graduation and graduation party. I discovered he’d been taking thousands out of our savings. He went for help. I came home. Stupid me!
He was supposed to move in with our son and get counseling. He won’t leave because he has never hit me. Nope. He hasn’t. Bad timing. We are helping my widowed mom pack this weekend and my brother suddenly died two weeks ago. I have my kick ass gear back on now. I’m still a Christian..lol.
So last night I had it out with him. It didn’t go well. He somehow knows I was calling Private Investigators. He has to be checking our phone records which I think is comical!! He’s been the nicest guy lately. I’m not anymore.
I’m sure I’m about to hear it all from well meaning Christians that God hates divorce. Well, so do I but I didn’t screw around and hide our money. Thanks for the vent..lol.
Inthemidst, I would suggest if he seems to have way more information than he should, he may have a bug of some sort somewhere. Keylogger, tiny camera, something on your phone, don’t put anything past him. They don’t play fair. They only care about winning and grinding us down to dust to prove their supposed superiority. Take care of yourself.
Brene Brown (I know, I know, but she has some good points…) talks about how people’s comments like this can put us into “shame spirals”. If you haven’t, it might be interesting for you to look younger TED talk, just for some perspective on shame.
Michael, I would reply: “What are you going to do when God tells you you’re an asshole?”
Mic drop. BOOM.
BOOM! Best comeback ever
Made my night CL. Best comeback ever!
Bwah hah!
LOL!
I’ve tasted Meh twice. 11/4/14 and 6/14/15. The first anniversary of dday and my 30th wedding anniversary (6 months post divorce). I was busy both days and didn’t think of her all day. It was refreshing. I’ve seen the promised land and know I’ll get there. Unfortunately almost all other days I still suffer the thoughts of her and the injustice. Yesterday I found out that she is Facebook friends with OM’s ex who I believe he was cheating on. It’s a strange world. Meh is coming!
Whoa. Pain shopping, man. Gotta block her on FB. NC 101.
Ditto. I signed up for Facebook when my son was in Iraq and I could tell he was okay by seeing he was on. I just kept it around for mostly work stuff. I find no merit in it whatsoever and deleted it when I saw my other son friended the OW. People post nothing on there that adds any value to anyone else. Deleting my account was one of the best self-care things I did.
“Deleting my account was one of the best self-care things I did.”
Me, too, Annie!! I do not miss it one bit.
I like to believe I’m MEH. I don’t love him, I don’t hate him, I nothing him. I’m not sure if that is 100% MEH though because I’m NC since 3 years (with small exceptions of sending few informative texts per year regarding our teenage son which I try to handle always very business like). It is way easier to bring yourself up when you don’t have the triggers around you. Anyway, I’m just really enjoying this state of mind and hoping I’ll never have to find out if my MEH is real. Glad our paths don’t cross anymore.
I used to look longingly at other wonderful, loving, loyal husbands and think, “I’ll never have someone who loves me like that.” But now I think, “But I’m okay because I love myself. I can take care of myself.” I don’t even mind the thought of spending the rest of my life as a single person. I’m enjoying the freedom to make my own decisions. I guess that’s Meh. It’s been 4 years since D-day for me, married 31 years.
After XH moved out, I felt I was pathetic to be living alone. Today, I enjoy the serenity of it. I also felt sad when I saw other couples. I am okay with being on my own. I believe that divorcing XH made a statement that infidelity is not acceptable and that I would rather be single than with a man who has another woman. My biggest accomplishment is that I am no longer enabling his cheating by supporting him and furnishing him with a car to drive (and date) while working. Prior to D-Day, our marriage was hanging by a thread and that thread was my perception that he was faithful. I have had to accept that he was not who I thought he was and he successfully duped me for a long time. I was very angry after D-Day; that anger has, for the most part, turned to sadness. There is still anger that he had another relationship with another woman but there is also sadness that he cannot be honest about it, has not repented for it and also does not have the capacity to bond with a deep love as a personality disordered individual. I have had to accept this rationally; there is still a problem coming to terms with it emotionally.
Lyn
“I don’t even mind the thought of spending the rest of my life as a single person.”
Single is so much better! This is exactly how I feel.
Not quite at meh but getting there. I feel lots of indifference and the sight of him disgusts me. Everytime i look at asswipe i see what he did and not sorry for it. Just biding my time meh around the corner! Then i never have to look at his ugly lying face again. He wanted to make it over and still be friends and fuck buddies. They just dont get it.
But you get it Kar marie (and I just realized (duh) your name has the word “karma” in it) So, are you the angel of karma? Can we send you our vengeance requests? Hope y’all weathered the storm okay.
Yes i do get it ian. Karma has hit asswipe many many times. I didnt realize my name did have karma on it. Cool. If i was the angel of karma the cheaters would fear me. I would rain the karma goddess down on their heads the aps as well! Weathered the storm well few snapped branches otherwise ok. I hope everyone else is ok. Hermaine decided to share her joy. Bitch!
The divorce was final a little over a month ago, and the house we owned (that he lived in until the sale) just closed this past week. I don’t have a forwarding address for him, and I don’t give a fuck. Now that all the legal and financial matters have been settled, he can jump on a unicorn and fly to Disneyworld. Whatever…
Just write “NOT AT THIS ADDRESS” in big red letters and put it back into the mail. After the divorce his business isn’t yours to deal with anymore.
Hang in there!
Or have the post office stamp it “Return to asshole” …
Maybe he’ll jump on a plane and crash in to the ocean, SnakeBitNoMore. But then, that’s just my sense of “humor.”
Congratulations SnakeBit!
I have this feeling that the X will get caught speeding in his really fancy new sports car that cost him a down payment on a house.
And, when he gets pulled over, he’ll get a DUI. He always pushed the limit on drinking and driving and speeding – I’d be surprised if he doesn’t already have one.
Poor fella would have nobody to bail him out of jail, he’d have his car confiscated, and he’d have to stay living in his trailer in the trailer park and ride a bicycle. He’s past his 9 lives on getting caught driving w/3 martinis under his belt.
And, it may be mean to say, but if he lost his head while it was sticking out of his convertible by ramming underneath the back end of a semi…well, nobody would even attend his funeral, especially if he killed another real human being. (Yep, I do worry about him D&D’ing)
I have a VooDoo doll.
I have a voodoo doll, too! Haven’t re-positioned its pin for months….put that on the to-do list.
Or just add another one.
Congratulations on both. Actually all three (not giving a fuck is important too).
SBNM, please don’t send him to Disney World…….way too close to me! How about sending him to the Bermuda Triangle?
I declare myself mostly meh! Since I bred with a fuckwit I still get emails on occaission because Narkles the Clown can’t figure out parenting. I don’t give a damn about him anymore and think if I met the Flying Whore face to face it would be hard not to laugh my ass off and do a stunning game show “Let’s take a look at what you’ve won” run down of his worst qualities.
My mind and my heart are strongly invested in my new life and my new guy who doesn’t mind taking our relationship slow. He says I am worth it.
Honestly I think the biggest barrier to full meh is how much I enjoying hearing when karma sends him a care package no matter how small. Such as being mistaken for his mother’s husband.
“I don’t give a damn about him anymore and think if I met the Flying Whore face to face it would be hard not to laugh my ass off and do a stunning game show “Let’s take a look at what you’ve won” run down of his worst qualities.”
HAHAHA!!!!! Exactly!!!
You’ve opened up Cheater Pandora’s Box…….Ex is 61…..AP has children 15 and 9. I’m sure he is mistaken for “Grandpa,”……that must kill him! That must suck when you are so into yourself! Not my circus, not my monkeys!
NMSB
Karma X2 when they had their eye on the fuckme whores and get kid duty for the next 20 years.
Whore is grandma and the last thing he wanted was to be babysitting. Sweet,sweet justice!
I am so close to Meh that I can taste it. Unfortunately I had a terrible day yesterday because the sexpat and the prostit-tot are back here in my home town and I saw them whilst I was shopping in the city. I was having a lovely day and the sight of them sent me spiralling down, so I came home. It was like looking at an old man and his great grand daughter and I just felt sad for him but he looked like a kid in a candy store. I never saw him that way with me ever, not even when we were young. Apart from that, all is good and life is also good and today is another day heading towards Meh.
Like Lyn I used to look at loving husbands and wish that I had one but I didn’t choose wisely and now I am free to enjoy my life and my time without always being concerned for someone else and their welfare, knowing they never gave a rats a*se about me ever.
I’m sorry you had such a terrible day. I think that these people think being around a certain type of person makes them like that person. Oh, if I date someone 30 years younger than me, then I will feel like I’m 20, or whatever. Fucktard used to drive me crazy with this. For example, he has a cousin who is a musician. He always talked about him like they were best friends. I grew tired of his talk and boy did he get pissed off while in the middle of one of this tales about how fabulous his cousin was, who he married, and how many famous musicians his cousin knows, I said, “Fucktard, you’ve never even met the man and he’s famous, not you.” I just couldn’t stand it. Sleep with a 20 year old for all I care, you still have a shriveled dick and balls that hang to your knees. Live with it.
It must really suck to have to have sex with a old dude. A swinging sack of meat between his legs? Yuck.
Good to read your comment Ian. I was made to feel that it was against the law to age because my ex always used to make jokes about my breasts which were only small anyway. Now those breasts fed 2 babies for 12 months each with a 3rd baby loitering in the wings, sorry to be so graphic. They did the job they were meant to do and they are mine. I never once degraded my ex’s appearance when we were married because I am one of those people who is aging gracefully and that is my choice. When you really love someone, you accept the changes that come with age because I believe that the history and family you share with that person be it good or bad far out weighs any physical changes to our appearance. His prostit-tot looks like a young male with teeny tiny breasts and she has had 2 boys. The ex is still missing out on the breast front although he has the ‘young’ that he was craving for but I bet at 64 his testicles are down to his ankles by now !! 🙂
Maree, yours and Annie’s responses had me in stitches. Like, why is that guy in Starbucks laughing so loud type lulz. Sure, it’s crass but it’s natural.
So I read with great interest the tales of old males.
I too would have loved to watch Match Girl’s breasts sag for the rest of my life. But I’m now trying to figure out how I’m supposed to stomach meeting a lot of new naked people, so I guess I come here to get my initial questions answered before putting my ideas into practice.
Ian,
Matchgirl has lost out on a very good man. She’s just plain stupid.
You are a good and decent man Ian and your ex wife has lost more than she will ever know. These disordered people simply do not care and that is the part I will never get my head around.
I am thinking low lighting and beer goggles might be a good strategy for everyone involved!!! Around my part of the country, it is considered romantic to share a drink using dixie cups on the back of a tailgate in the moonlight …
When I was a little girl (maybe 8?) I saw my grandmother naked for a brief moment. I swear to you that I have warn a bra to bed every.single.night my entire life in the interest of preventing what that 8 year old saw. Support, my friends, support. Live it.
Ian – OMG, you’re cracking me up.
‘But I’m now trying to figure out how I’m supposed to stomach meeting a lot of new naked people, so I guess I come here to get my initial questions answered before putting my ideas into practice.’
As they say, scoot over, I want room in the boat on this one.
I have only seen the X age and that took 36 yrs.
When you see somebody everyday, you don’t really notice I guess, until they become cheaters.
I woke up one day to see him with holes in his ratty underwear with a huge gut and he looked exactly like his Dad when I saw him once in his underwear.
hmmm…wonder what X looked like in those bright baby blue tights he bought brand new….hmm, indeed.
Never did see him in those.
Then his underwear started showing up missing. (yes, I count socks and underwear when I do laundry)
First he’d be missing one pair. Then another pair. Only 5 pairs in 7 days, I’d ask? What, did you wear 2 pairs twice? (I wouldn’t put him past it but that was before I knew he was a cheater)
Then, one day after he hurt me particular bad during the discard phase, he said – you look old.
Sweet! How sweet of him. It devastated me but I knew I did look old – I was deeply hurt, confused and out of my mind crazy with grief.
He had never insulted me up until then. And, he smirked.
Well, Mr Body Builder who was always worrying about me getting fat, I kept in shape – thanks to you not helping with dogs one iota.
I weigh less than when we married because I get exercise and I’m healthy.
If I have more wrinkles now, it’s because of you. And, I’m sorry that men who shave their faces everyday have the benefit of removing skin everyday so they don’t age as much on the face…..but *I’ve* seen you nakkid, mister, and you aren’t doing my eyes any favors either, including your sagging balls. (btw, I never knew that about the balls sagging – I always thought it was cold water – George Castanza style)
I am absolutely terrified to see a man my age naked, Ian.
That’s all I know. What if . . .
I asked my buddy at work this very question. I wrote about him further down, but he told me just relax and understand that the person you’re with is just as anxious about being naked in front of you as you are in front of them. He also, very delicately, explained that woman have a definite advantage over men. He said that the first time after divorce he tried, his nerves got the best of him, and well, I’m assuming it was like a frightened little turtle. And you know, turtles only poke their head out when they’re damn good and ready.
Bodies change and age over the years. I can accept it. My sister talked about having breast implants at 50. I told her that instead of implants I’d just have mine moved back up where they belonged. Fucktard always made a joke about sagging breasts. It didn’t bother me because it’s just age and a good bra can fix that. Then one day he was in the bedroom changing after a shower and I said something to the effect of, “Holy Mother of God, I didn’t realize that balls drooped like breasts as they aged.” He wasn’t too pleased, but admitted it was true. How was I to know, I’d never seen old man balls before? Breasts are out there for everyone to see, and if the woman nurses, it’s just worse. But balls, they can stay hidden and a little secret. So ladies, the next time someone makes fun of drooping breasts ask them about those little bruises on the insides of their knees from their balls rubbing against them.
Ian – you crack me up!
Swinging sack of meat between his legs.
Reminds me of my un-neutered dog and believe me, he could win a contest of how far his balls hang when it’s hot outside.
Thankfully his wiener parts stay hidden.
Just don’t bring a slut around him or you’ll see it emerge.
Annie – ‘Sleep with a 20 year old for all I care, you still have a shriveled dick and balls that hang to your knees. Live with it.’
OK – charging you for a new keyboard and I think that comment finally pushed me over the high-jump to Meh!
Thank you.
Maree, I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Recently I just “thought” I saw my ex and it caused an anxiety attack. It would be hard to see him gallivanting around with someone else, especially someone who is 40 years younger! Anyway, glad you are doing better today. For what it’s worthy, my uncle cheated on my aunt who he’d been married to for 50 years. He ended up marrying the AP who was a woman about the same age as his oldest daughter. Now he’s in his mid 90’s and can’t remember anything while she’s in her 60’s. His memory is going so she has to finish his sentences for him. He also pees on himself. Not so sexy.
Hahahahahaha! I would recommend, non-abrasive soap, zinc oxide and frequent toilet visits every 2 hours while awake.(I can’t stop laughing on this one!)
I had a positive trigger thanks to you Lynn. I no longer have to wake up drenched in pee!
She took that from me. I hope they get a short in his electric heating pad and get electrocuted when he pees the bed. Oops… That wasn’t very Meh.
Meh can be expanded to include humorous happy triggers. And she screams, you wet the bed AGAIN!! Not as sexy as fuck me is it.
Lyn, your uncle peeing on himself is both sad and funny. Funny for the reason that his ‘new’ wife has to clean him up, after all isn’t that what she signed on for? We have a very old saying here in Australia, not sure about elsewhere but it is “She/he is copping their right whack”. In other words they are getting what they deserve. Karma !!
I’m sorry, Maree. Jackass-sitings are likely to send us spiraling into pain territory. His “kid in a candy store” look is telling, though. He’s a shallow idiot who thinks banging a near-child 40 years younger than himself makes him look suave and high-status; he really looks pathetic to the rest of us.
Tempest, to decent people he does look pathetic. However, my sister actually said to me recently that the ex isn’t doing anything wrong because so many men are doing it now whilst it is inappropriate but some lovely girls do come from SE Asia. I have never generalised about the morals of any particular nationality or group and that really hurt me because my sister just does not get it and it minimises how I feel and what I have been put through. Whilst she has been supportive of me she simply does not get it and she never will.
Maree there is nothing more disturbing than minimization of abnormal behavior. So sorry.
Yes, most of these men are paying for these super, young mail-order-brides. My XFIL has one and completely controls her because he wants to protect his “financial investment” that it costs to bring her over her, citizenship, housing, etc… It is very pathetic and anytime I see a couple that looks like that with the waaaay younger (usually Asian or from other countries) woman, I can’t help but smh. But I guess some of these losers have to buy it. And they love the control.
Exactly, NoMoreEvil. They love the control.
There are 2 pathetic old-guys-trying to look suave and high-status on this list.
Oops, it should be Maree. I hit the post comment button too quickly !!
I’ve seen the promised land of Meh, but took a step back this year when I had to go back to court because ex wasn’t paying alimony or child support. Instead of paying, he decided to file to get out of paying for college expenses for our children. The asshole spent thousands and thousands of dollars and had to pay part of MY legal fees to get out of spending money on our children. I hope that’s the last time I have to deal with him. The one child who still speaks to him is already married. She isn’t planning on having children. The other four don’t want to be around him. I don’t foresee a lot of family events where he will be welcome.
Last month was the 7-year anniversary of when I kicked him out. That’s the day I realized I made it back to Meh. It’s been 5 1/2 years since the divorce was final. Fellow chumps, it takes time to get past your relationship with an asshole. I was married to the cheater/narcissist for 25 years. I’ve come to accept the fact that I’ll never know how many times he cheated. I know that if his lips are moving he might be lying. Mostly I feel terribly sorry for his new wife (not the one he was having the final affair with) and step-son. They’re the ones being hurt by him now.
Meh is a real thing and you’ll make it here, but don’t expect it to happen right away. Meh is not always a land of rainbows and cupcakes. It’s a place of teaching your son to shave and flat tires. It’s where Dad has to tie pretty bows and learn how to raise a little girl alone. The Land of Meh is lovely and lonely. But the best thing about Meh is that there’s Peace over here. Come join me.
“But the best thing about Meh is that there’s Peace over here.” — YES!!!
“I know that if his lips are moving he might be lying.” Yes, I’ve been saying that to myself even before D-Day. The lies! The lies about stupid stuff that a normal person would never lie about! So happy to be free from all the lying!!! Thanks for putting in your post how long it’s taken you to get to where you are. So many people (not on CL or CN) just think I should be “over it.” Being constantly lied to, cheated on and having your brain mind-fxcked for years takes a great deal of time to heal from and accept. To realize your entire relationship/marriage was all one big lie and he was just pretending/acting from the get-go; not an easy thing to just get over. I’m well on my way and I’m joining you in the Land of Meh. I’ll be there hopefully someday soon. 🙂
Martha, people who have not walked our path believe our pain should end in “their” time in their heads. It takes what is takes. We get “over it” when WE get over it! I have found my best recovery came from others who have experienced our pain, therapists and anyone else who did not minimize the pain! HUGS!!!!!
I agree, nomoreskankboy! That’s why coming to CL and CN has been so healing for me and tons of other people. No one says, “Get over it!!” “Stop talking about it!” This has not been a normal break-up. It’s not healthy to shove stuff down, move on and hop into another relationship. I’m with you! 🙂 Thanks for the HUGS and ((((HUGS)))) back to you. 🙂
I’m not at meh yet, but I’m getting there. He doesn’t get under my skin like he used to do. D-Day was early October 2014. I caught him out with a newly divorced slut. A slut he was seeing the previous nine years for secret coffee dates; didn’t even know she existed. Fast forward to now. She can have his lying, cheating ass. They deserve each other. And all the other women he’s been flirting, emailing, texting and seeing behind my back for our entire relationship/marriage — they can have him too. He deserves to be with women like this. He NEVER deserved me or anyone like me — a faithful spouse. A few weeks ago I realized my brain doesn’t hurt anymore. And it wasn’t a headache. It was just the weight of all the trauma, anxiety, mind-games, depression, lies, gaslighting, blame shifting, — it’s all gone! That’s a little meh! I no longer feel the need to tell him what an asshole he is. I trust that he sucks. I no longer think “maybe it’s me???” No, it’s HIM! He sucks! When I would think that maybe it’s me, I’d force myself to remember that he wrote love letters to someone just like he used to write love letters to me. He did this AFTER he convinced me to move 600+ miles away from my family. I forced myself to remember the first devalue and almost discard — one year after I moved here for him. Came totally out of the blue and I know deep in my heart I never did anything wrong to deserve how he treated me. He has even admitted to be a jerk during that time, so it wasn’t me. IT WAS HIM! So, I no longer beat myself up, thinking I did some horrible thing to be cheated and lied to for over 20 years. He’s the one with the problem. That’s more meh for me. I’m It’s taken me almost two years to get to what I think it’s 50 to 75% meh (depends on the day.) I’m guessing it’s going to take another two years to get to 100%. Last year at this time, I didn’t think the pain would ever go away. It’s mostly gone now. I don’t love him anymore. I don’t even like him. I hate him most of the time and I’m looking forward to “mehing” him. I’ve seen him a few times and I’m like to myself, “God, are you ugly. What did I ever see in you?” I saw his fake “nice guy” image and that’s what I fell in love with. I fell in love with a person who doesn’t exist. It was all an act. I saw the mask drop quite a few times in the last 25+ years and what’s underneath the mask is evil.
Martha
“He NEVER deserved me or anyone like me — a faithful spouse. A few weeks ago I realized my brain doesn’t hurt anymore. And it wasn’t a headache.”
You are getting there! Once my brain stopped hurting my depression increased for a period. Then came growth.
You always deserved better.
Thanks, Doingme. 🙂 My depression is mostly gone, but I still take an antidepressant every day. I’m looking forward to getting off that too, but sticking with it until all the major life changes are settled. Yes, we ALL deserve better!
I now laugh with my 13-year old son about the emails that ex sends me. When I discovered his affair in early 2013, I thought my life was over and I wanted to die.
Contempt for their idiocy and arrogance is the biggest step toward meh!
Tempest, well said….clap, clap!!!!
Ok here’s my MEH—-warning—-and with ALL DUE RESPECT……..
I am sick of reading Chump Lady!!!!
I actually think that is progress. I still love you CL and CN but I’m not in love with you anymore. Does that make sense?
I still read it. But I can just think “what a shame. So glad I’m past that……..”
Happily Ever After, that’s me too! Well, I’m not “sick of reading”, but I took a break and didn’t read. Didn’t need to, this after reading EVERYTHING on her blog from the very beginning! 🙂 CL and CN truly saved me and validated me. CL even answered a letter a sent into her. I will be FOREVER grateful to her and to CN for responding to my letter!! To realize it was him and not me. Not that I’m perfect. Yes, I made mistakes in our marriage, but I learned from them and feel I was a really good wife and mother and I didn’t deserve in any way to be treated like shit day after day. No one will ever do that to me again! I’ve learned so much from CL and CN. And they’ve directed me to other paths of healing and learning. Thank you all! 🙂
Signs of Meh.
I no longer love or hate him. I despise his existence and do not wish him well. Is that a requirement? That will never happen.
I am indifferent in respect to caring. He lives with whore, don’t care. He has health issues, don’t care. He lives in a crappy tenement without retirement, don’t care. He can’t sustain relationships, don’t care. These are his consequences.
They will be life long and that’s in him. No longer my problem.
There is a difference between being alone and independence. After a life filled with putting an emphasis on his needs it’s so much better taking care of my own indepent of his power and control. He lost that and I gained a life.
Paralysis, bargaining, and being broken down to a shell of my former self by a covert serial cheating sociopath happened. My inner voice told me to fight not for him but myself. Hence, why I will maintain no contact for life. He is toxic to my soul.
Meh to me is the inner strength we gain through self love and the awareness that we control only ourselves. It’s being able to self reflect, maintain integrity, and have self respect.
After the discard there was a long battle with depression, fear, and beating myself up over putting up with his abuse.
It took a long time to fill in all the pieces of his past behavior and to align it with just how malignant he was as he deliberately cause me pain through his power and control. I was married to a monster.
It was only then that I could completely detach. I had to get my power back and finally got him out of my head. The pain is my own, I grieved the wasted years. I forgave myself over and over.
I developed boundaries, a wall of self protection at first. I learned to raise my bar high and let go. He no longer defines my life.
Meh is a well earned place. I have stumbled to get there. I’m creeping toward the gates. It’s worth every effort because I deserve a place at the table. We all do. I can see a place at the table with our names on it. There is a whoopie pie and a margarita waiting.
Doingme–you are so inspiring. You deserve a place at the head of the table. And a standing ovation.
Thank you Tempest. You have been my inspiration along the way. Although, I saw your name at the head of the table with a Martini Fountain flowing.
Martha, “Your story is my story.”
Meh bonding, I like the concept!
“Meh bonding, I like the concept! That made me smile, Doingme. 🙂
Martinis flowing??? I didn’t get the memo!
Haha MNSB and you will write a Haiku for every chump with a complimentary FUCK button attached.
Tempest will share.
Hahahahaha!
and of course I’m sharing the martinis!
Beautifully said, Doingme! Your story is my story. ” I can see a place at the table with our names on it. There is a whoopie pie and a margarita waiting.” Very nice. 🙂
Both Martha and Doing Me really summed it up nicely. I could not have said it any better. Quoting both of you….”beating myself up over putting up with his abuse”. and “I no longer beat myself up, thinking I did some horrible thing to be cheated and lied to”. Those two things are the hardest things to overcome. It’s unbelievably horrifying to think that someone you love can be capable of such monstrous things without absolutely any remorse.. The question of why that will never ever be answered is the hardest thing to stop asking. Moving on without closure takes strength and true resilience… Time (in years) truly does heal….
Peaky,
My ex is a narc, too. He was never diagnosed by his own therapist or anything. But I had two counselors and one psychiatrist (my med doctor.) I told them all lots of stories of what he did and how he acted on many, many occasions. The God’s honest truth — I didn’t embellish anything. I had no reason to. I just told the truth. The looks on these trained professionals faces when I told some of the really odd stuff, like my ex licking the tears off my face. I could go on and on………….they all said “he sounds like a Narc.” That’s when I went on a mission to learn all I could about relationships with N’s and also how to heal from being in a relationship with an N. I have found lots of great help from YouTube. Mark Smith, Dana, so many other professionals who offer free advice from Narcisstic Abuse Syndrome. It’s a real thing! I wasn’t losing it. I had most of the symptoms from Narcisstic Abuse Syndrome — Mark Smith has a video of 50 symptoms. Anyway, I hear you about asking the “why” questions. I’ve stopped doing that and now I ask “why did I fall for someone like him?” “Why did I marry someone who was already emotionally abusive before we even got engaged?” “Why did I stay with someone who cheated on me when I was pregnant? “Why didn’t I trust my gut all these years?” I KNOW he SUCKS! I know there is something really evil and monstrous about him. I don’t need to know anything more about him. I now need to heal and figure out why I put up with so much emotional abuse all those years.
I actually physically cringed when you said he licked the tears off your face. They love to see pain in other people that they cause… That’s why I realized that I couldn’t give him that satisfaction of ever seeing me cry. I agree the questions we ask about ourselves are important… The one thing we always forget when we go to blaming ourselves for putting up with it is the confusion when the mask comes off… It always leaves you asking… is this the person who love bombed me or an evil person? That takes time to uncover and realize that the love bomber is false and that the evil person is real. That is a part of the Narc abuse. They’re good at trickery so you doubt what is happening…. Try not to beat yourself up over it too much. It does make you more cautious for the next person you attempt a relationship with, I will definitely tell you that! There is another added layer of caution to the armor we put on…
Yet another thing I forgot about.
“They love to see pain in other people that they cause… ”
The motherfucker enjoyed my pain. I used to come home happy. Within minutes he wiped the smile off my face. I called him on it before DDay. He knew I saw him.
I used to sing songs to the dogs while I was feeding them.
I love to sing! And, the dogs loved it while I was fixing their food.
He would always yell at me to quit it.
I was offended but sang anyway – it was for the dogs…(you know, How Much is that Baxter in the Window?..)
Now, at meh-ish, I sing as loud and as often as I like to all three dogs, including the new puppy!
hmmm…he never sang.
Yeah, the face licking. It was so shameful. I never told anyone. I think I told my oldest sister first (this was after D-Day) and the first thing she said, “He’s a sociopath!” She was appalled. And if I’m remembering correctly, I don’t think it was even him that started me crying. I was just sharing something with him and of course Narcs can’t feel any empathy, so he just licked the tears off my face. I felt so ashamed and humiliated. He probably only did it ten times over the course of 25 years, but once was enough. I eventually stopped sharing certain things with him, because he was incapable of being empathetic and incapable of caring (he didn’t). Yeah, I agree with you about wondering are they the nice person or the evil person? They are the evil person with a mask on. It’s all a big act. And yes about future relationships. The armor is up as it should be. I’ve been watching one counselor on YouTube for a few months now. Her first name is Dana. Last night she said, “Trust is earned.” I was always the opposite. 100% trusting right off the bat. Give everyone 100% trust until they prove me wrong. Man, did I have that messed up!!! All relationships should be entered into slowly. Get to know someone. She said people are on their best behavior the first three months and that’s the best they’ll ever be. Eventually people relax. She said if there are any deal breakers, walk away. That was my problem. I never walked away. I always forgave and gave chance after chance. I won’t do that again!
For those who want to know her name is Dana Morningstar. ..look up her vids on utube
Peaky
I focused on the WHY for a long time for many years and I finally did find the answer. My therapist stated eloquently during my first hour.
“He is an asshole. The actions you described are that of a narcissist. Only a narcissist can do this with ease. If you stay it will kill you.”
First he tortured me and in his absence I tortured myself. It’s ALL on him. You didn’t deserve this. If your asshole blamed you consider the source-a cheater and a liar. Fuck him.
So true, the answer is he is a narc!
Pesky
Write down everything he said and did. The shoe fits many cheaters.
We focus on the cheating. Once you start filling in the blanks it becomes crystal clear.
Undermining
CrazyMaking
Gas lighting
Withdrawing
Discard
Multiple affairs.
It clicked for me when I saw the pattern. Infatuation, devaluing, and discard. It was a cycle. I described this cycle to a therapist years ago. He never told me what it was. I found it on Lady With a Truck (love you) soon after DDay.
He is a covert narcissist and a sociopath. Richard Grannon, spartian life coach has great videos/youtube about narcissistic behavior.
We as normals should not attempt to figure out cheater logic, there is none. Look at the videos instead.
Exactly, Doingme, about the videos!! Someone here on CN mentioned Mark Smiths video about 50 symptoms of narcisstic abuse syndrome and I went and looked it up. I couldn’t believe that this syndrome existed AND I had/have most of the symptoms at one time or another. It was really eye-opening! I felt so validated. And he mentioned about your brain hurting. That was one of the symptoms. I thought it was in my head (no pun intended) that my brain hurt. I wish I would have found the YouTube videos last year. They’ve been so helpful to me. My family is sick of hearing about all this and I don’t blame them. But this wasn’t a normal break-up. I thought we had a really great marriage. I was totally blind-sided by all this and it was a traumatic life event. I needed to understand what happened to me and to find out that he is a narcissist and there is a pattern to what they do — love bomb, devalue and discard — that pattern was repeated quite a few times in our relationship. I no longer felt crazy after I realized what happened to me. These disordered people are far from normal. They are evil, sick and twisted.
I might be at Meh. I NEVER thought I would get here. I am the slowest person, 9 years out from separation and 5 years divorced. I got there when my kids told me he had another new girlfriend and we figured out that he cheated on his last girlfriend for this girlfriend. My kids have been slow also. I was married for 34 years and my kids are grown with their own kids. Both kids said NO we are not introducing our kids (my grandkids) to another new girlfriend. They see it finally and I have never had to say a thing. Kids WILL figure it out for themselves. I think that helped me get to meh also. My ex showed everyone else how wonderful he is, including our kids. I questions over and over it must be me. I struggled with “Trust that they suck.” I feel so much better now that the patterned has continued with three other women. I do feel sorry for them. Maybe it was when my youngest said, “Hard to understand your father that is 65 year old and has girl high school drama, (new girlfriend is 39 years old).” Yes trust that they suck. Now that feels good to know it is true. Been a long time coming. Trust the road of moving forward you will get to Meh even if it takes a long time.
Meh Finally
As long as we cross that finish line..!
I’m sad for those before us who never had hope. It was a time of suffering in silence. My mother lived and died without hope. I’d like to think she rings the loudest bell every time a chump crossed the line she never knew existed.
Hooray for you and the hope you give to all chumps. You are a hero.
I bounced back pretty quick after last Saturday and learning of Fucktard’s engagement. Don’t get me wrong, I still would love to see the expression on his face while I taze him. Then when he recovered, I’d taze him again just because it would feel so damn good. However, I think like a chump and consider the consequences of my actions BEFORE I do anything (sigh). So not at Meh yet.
But, I got a glimmer of Meh this morning as I was stepping in the shower. I wondered if Fucktard reached out to our son to find out how he was doing after getting his wisdom teeth pulled. Then I paused and couldn’t remember when the last time I thought of him was, was it Tuesday or Wednesday? I had actually gone for at least one full day, maybe two without him being in my head. It felt great!
Annie- As sad as I am….I keep bursting out laughing over your beautiful dry delivery about tazing your X.
I’m glad I could bring a smile to your face. It brings one to mine just thinking about it.
Annie, isn’t it great when you don’t even remember when is the last time you thought of the cheater. That is Meh to me! And he got engaged, woopdidoo. I’m not sure sure he’s great relationship material and the woman who’s marrying him is in for quite a lot of shit sandwiches to be served in the future. If she only knew the hell she is signing up for, then again, maybe she does. Bwah ha hah, evil laugh…
The thing he is engaged to is no woman. She’s NFV, necrotizing fasciitis vagina (it’s a flesh eating bacteria). I posted this story before, but NFV is his subordinate. They were working at the same company as my youngest son. He was witness to all that I am about to describe and this is how I know.
Once upon a time, after dday #1 NFV sought out another married man (we’ll call him Peewee) who is the son of Fucktard’s good friend and other coworker. Yes, they are an incestuous bunch. We actually attended Peewee’s high school graduation party (that I never posted) about 15 years ago. Fucktard became extremely jealous of Peewee and started vying for NFV attention again as apparently he still had some flesh that needed to be eaten. One night at work, Fucktard had chest pains and I galloped to his rescue in my Hyundai scooped him up and rode frantically to Emergency. Had I known what he was up to, I would have gone, but by way of Albuquerque. It was an anxiety attack. Fast forward a month and Peewee became so hysterical that he began to have chest pains and thought he was having a heart attack. He fell to the warehouse floor and had to be taken away by ambulance. It was anxiety. In the grand gesture of all grand gestures, Peewee informed Fucktard that he could have NFV. My guess is that it was DD#1 for Peewee’s lovely wife. It would be around my DD#2. So Fucktard got OW, Peewee got who knows, maybe syphilis, and I got a life.
The end (or is it my beginning?)
HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Don’t get me wrong, I still would love to see the expression on his face while I taze him. Then when he recovered, I’d taze him again just because it would feel so damn good. ”
Thank you, Annie, for a much-needed laugh this morning. 9/11 is my second anniversary of D-day, so I’m farther out than you, but damn if I wouldn’t still like to taze the fucker. Twice.
Signs of Meh: I saw a picture of X looking as happy as the cat who swallowed the canary at the dinner party so-called friends threw for him to introduce his new GF, and I just shrugged. His shit (canary?)-eating grin didn’t even bother me, I just thought he was an asshole for making that big a public display of his newfound happiness when he blew up his family with 2 kids. (Hey, dipshit–your youngest daughter won’t even talk to you.)
I have small moments where I actually feel sorry for him because he’s a dipshit, has always been a dipshit, and will continue to be a dipshit who can’t truly connect to another person.
But….per my name, I am not sure I will ever fully be at Meh. I can still get worked up in indignation at small injustices, and infidelity is not a small injustice. It wouldn’t surprise me ten years later to go Rambo on someone who implies a marriage that ended due to betrayal meant the partners were each 50% at fault. I’m not sure I want to be at Meh; there is a Chump Revolution to be carried out.
And now that all the personal crises/milestones have passed: Kicked him out of the house-check. Filed for divorce-check. Divorced him with a fair settlement-check. Started a new friend group (mostly CL members, btw)–check. Kickstarted my career-check, I am left with a vague sense of “really?” How did this happen? Was satisifying his need for conquest really worth this? As the raw emotions have died down, the cognitive understanding of cheaters’ psyches and their disorder can still leave me incredulous. “Does not compute; does not compute.”
I for one believe in fighting injustice, always. Some twit, who knows I’m divorced and why, saw me last week, “Oh, I haven’t seen your other half in a while.” I stood at my full height (okay, 5’6) and explained to her that I do not have another half as I am a whole person and always have been a whole person. If she was referring to my ex-Fucktard of a dickless wonder, I haven’t seen him in a while either, so what about it? She scurried off. I was in full uniform so maybe I should have lowered the volume on the “Fucktard of a dickless wonder” comment, but hey, Fuck it! And I wonder why no one who sees me working will ask me out on a date.
Keep those guns loaded. Lol.
I’m not sure I want to be at Meh; there is a Chump Revolution to be carried out. Love it!
You make me feel so small Tempest!
NONE of us here are small; what we accomplished to drop-kick a cheater to our past and gain a life is not to be dismissed as chump change (pun intended).
Have fun on Sept 10 ill catch up next time!
Yeah, realizing you hadn’t thought of them ONCE in one day is an amazing thing!!! When in the beginning they were in your mind all the time! Signs of meh for sure! 🙂
I thought about him this afternoon and how he cheated the both of us. Today at 2, I attended services for the husband of a friend who lost his battle with cancer at 58. I sat there listening to all the wonderful stories about the life of this amazing man. I was very sad for my friend and her loss, but how sat in wonder of how amazing it was that they kept their vows of “until death do us part.” Their daughter, who is in grad school got up and told of her amazing dad. She said that occasionally he would bundle her up when she was little and make her repeat the secret password. She said she’d be laughing so hard that sometimes she had trouble getting it out. His often used password that he’d make her say was, “Reach higher.”
We should never again settle for less than what we deserve but should always, “Reach higher.”
Amen, Annie!
Beautiful Annie.
Annie – ‘Don’t get me wrong, I still would love to see the expression on his face while I take him.’
Here’s one for ya.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1yFS3bBCJY&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DI1yFS3bBCJY&has_verified=1
Taze, even.
Going on 3 yrs. I could give a shit less about him; no more sad sentiment here. BUT, I still can’t seem to shake the hate. It’s only when he pops into my thoughts, but when that does happen, it’s only absolute hate that I feel for him. Any suggestions on how to rid myself of it?
“it’s only absolute hate that I feel for him. Any suggestions on how to rid myself of it?”
You don’t. When hate pops in for a visit, you acknowledge it and move on.
“Oh, hello, Hate. It’s been a while. I’m doing fine, my life is good, thanks. You look just the same! Still smoking hot (har!) and intense as always, I see. I know you don’t get out as much as you used to. I wish I could stay and chat but I’m kinda busy right now. I”ll give you a buzz if I need you, old friend. Smooches!
IHH, your feelings are your feelings. Don’t criticize yourself for having normal emotions – just put them in the proper place. Hugs to you 🙂
Like! It’s normal to hate people who hurt us.
I believe hate and love are very similar emotions.
The time when I hated him most was when I realized how much I loved him and how could he do this to me?
They seem to go hand in hand and I was very angry and hateful for a very long time. Still am.
But, the more my anger goes away the more I seem to feel I love him much less.
Interesting.
He just doesn’t stir that passion of hate anymore. He’s just not worth it and I really am getting to the meh part of wondering how I could have loved him so deeply after everything that has gone down.
Yes, it is a very unoriginal observation but hate and love are not opposites. The opposite of love is indifference. And hate is definitely not indifference!!! Meh is indifference so if you are feeling hate, you know you are still very much emotionally entangled with this person. **raises hand**
I wish I knew IHH but I don’t because I feel like you do in regard to the hate and particularly after I saw him yesterday. I can only assume that with time we won’t feel the hate any more and we will be completely free. Just be assured that there is a special place in Hell with their names on it.
I like to think it’s the level where there are lots of mirrors but they make you see you as you really are.
Yup, a very special place…
I can now say I now live in the land of meh. My timeline mirrors CL’s. (However, for me that is give or take 7 years to be divorced (legal paperwork takes time).)
After DD#2 I pulled the plug on years of blameshifting and gas lighting and immediately I felt a huge load was lifted off of my shoulders. I also gave myself permission to really grieve and feel everything — in order to let it go. I also sought out the help of a good therapist — who reminded me that what was happening was normal (CN did not exist then) and that my EX was not.
It was a relief to know my gut was right and that I wasn’t crazy. In a year, I started to feel like myself again. I wasn’t quite at 100% meh. However, the more I started to establish healthy boundaries (i.e., EX can’t have a key to my house, thatnks but no thanks I can’t go to a dinner party at EX’s house with the Switzerland friends) the better and stronger I started to feel. I also started to see my EX as the Fucktard he is.
I have been to meh and back several times in the years that followed. Honestly, there really isn’t a straight line to healing. When you have an EX who has lied and gaslighted so much (we were together for 20 years), sometimes you get an aha moment when you see through the lies (e.g. OW#2 sitting beside me in a restaurant telling me a story about a married man who encouraged the OW to attend events where his was wife also present (which is what my EX was doing to me at the time)) and get dragged back to unravel and deal with it.
Every day, I am grateful I am not with my EX. I don’t miss anything about him.
Don’t worry if you aren’t at meh in 6 months! Everyone is different.
Moving Forward, SMH…that was so mean of your ex to have both of you there in the same room. So extremely cruel of the both of them… I can’t even…
And oh btw, it’s happened to me quite a few times. Just rude
Check, he took me to a restaurant and we joked about the waitress being clumsy, the poor kid was having an affair with him and was shocked he came for dinner with me. I was shocked 2 years later when I found out..
I am in meh in the sense, that I do not love him anymore, I did divorce his ass, and I don’t want to know how he could do this anymore (he is empty). But I do have a hard time sometimes to ‘make it on my own’. Again, there is the head/heart thing: I do fine, got the kids back on their feet, finances back in shape, but find it difficult to go ‘out there’. So I don’t and wait for that part to arrive (soon).
I have more and more moments of Meh, six months after the divorce, a year and a half since I moved out and filed. X travels a lot for business and has a long history of passively-aggressively refusing to notify me of dates in advance or share his calendar (which is a state secret, apparently. The fate of nations depends on it). This used to drive me mad with rage, triggering a string of emails and calls demanding his schedule or else!
Now I just send a single email and make my own plans regardless, knowing that if he travels on dates that he has our son and I already have plans, the parenting agreement stipulates that we need to make alternate arrangements. X takes his time to reply, but I no longer care. Recently he sent me his fall schedule, and every single trip takes place on days that X has our son. I know that X hates the idea of our son staying with a friend, so it’s obvious he just took it for granted that I would accommodate his schedule, which he actually sets himself since he’s the boss at work.
Not too long ago I would have shot back with a reminder that he’s only supposed to schedule travel on days he doesn’t have our son or else check with me first. Instead I thought, ok, that means more time with my son and more documentation that X doesn’t keep him 50% of the time, if I ever need it. And not too long ago I would have gloated in the reminder of my victory in that battle, where X tried to get 100% placement, lost, and then couldn’t sustain his Disney Dad alienation campaign or his 50% placement.
Instead, I just read the email, put the dates in my calendar, and went on with my day without giving it another thought until now, when I was trying to come up with a good example of a Meh moment. It feels really good to have moments like that, and they do come much more often than they used to for any of you newbies who might be reading!
Got to thinking about how I felt like a shell of a human being when DDay came along. I was drifting along. I had not only lost my identity as the cheaters wife, but I was forced to face some very serious health issues alone. It was, to put it mildly, Hell on Earth! I now realize that once I was stripped of my identity that I was only what my cheater had actually spent years grooming me to become! I was exactly the chump he needed me to be so he could benefit fully from my “usefulness”! I now realize I had put myself so far to the back of the line in every way imaginable that it almost cost me my very life! I paid little or no attention to the subtle changes going on with my body because I HAD to be at cheaters beckon call! Hindsight being twenty/twenty now makes me realize that being devalued and discarded gave me the opportunity to rebuild myself and find the real me again! I’m no longer a pawn for some wing nut to use as he sees fit! Could it be that Meh is just rebuilding into the real YOU? Finally realizing that YOU actually have needs and wants and desires that count for something? I’m certainly believing that! We get a second bite at the apple and this apple isn’t full of worms we couldn’t see! How great is that? What a gift!!
Beautifully said, Roberta! I can totally relate to everything you said. The bad — losing yourself in a marriage where you are at someone’s beck and call. The good — realizing that you important and have needs and wants and they are just as valuable as everyone else’s. 🙂
Roberta, its a gift of grace, a full on second chance and the world is your oyster. Congrats. Be Uber Happy.
Yes it is a gift!
Yes Roberta, that is truly a great gift!
I’m too busy getting ready for my upcoming wedding to waste time thinking about my ex. Just bought my wedding dress — it’s purple! If I do reflect back on the more than two decades I wasted on that disordered freak, it almost seems like a dream now. If I try to imagine what it would be like to be with him again, ugh. His personality repulses me now…. how could I have loved him at one time? It boggles my mind.
I admit that I am not 100% at meh, and I doubt I ever will be. I am still angry about the $41K he owes me…. it’s been over six years since he’s held a real, full-time job. This is a guy who made over $100K a year until eight weeks after we separated when he abruptly quit his job to become an actor. These days, my son tells me, ex is working local county fairs as a cook in a French fry trailer. Not exactly steady employment.
The whole nightmare undoubtedly left me with emotional scars and baggage; I think that is probably pretty common for those of us burned badly by a truly disordered person. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible to move on or to eventually get over the trauma. It just means, in the words of Marilyn Manson, “Whatever doesn’t kill you is gonna leave a scar.”
GIO, I am so happy for you! Good luck in the rest of the planning and preparations.
How wonderful for you! You deserve all the happiness.
Congrats on the upcoming wedding, GIO. And I LOVE that you’re wearing a purple dress!
I’m not sure if this qualifies for “meh” but I was looking up local photographers on facebook to try to find somebody to take my annual fall mother/daughter family photos and I noticed a thumbnail of the wedding of my ex and OW. I had scoured the internet looking for these photos a few months ago and I couldn’t find anything so I was really surprised to stumble across them by accident. I followed the link to the website and was able to see the whole album of photos. I was bracing while looking at them, waiting for the photo of my daughter and OW or my ex, OW, my daughter all together as a happy family and it never came. Looking at the photos I never even felt a single pang of saddness. I only felt pity. It was a hot mess, the wedding was in the backyard of the house I used to live in and they didn’t set up chairs or decorate at all. They didn’t even move the hose or a wooden beam that has been leaning against the fence for years. My ex didn’t have a single friend in attendance. Both of their witnesses were friends of OW. Even thought it was a very small modest wedding OW made sure to get herself 2 dresses (and both of them were incredibly ill-fitted) and I just felt sorry for them. It told me everything about her selfishness and inability to be a good hostess to her guests. I really expected to feel jealousy but I actually just feed sad for them. I told my sister that it makes me want to be nicer to him now that I know how pathetic their life is.
Same here. While I never saw photos, the only “guests” at the cheaters’ wedding were her two kids, our three kids (who had no choice in the matter), and two witnesses. The witness for my ex was his former boss with whom he became friends. He couldn’t even get a childhood friend to come out or any of his family! While we also had a small wedding, all of our nuclear family members were there, and then my ex’s parents threw us a lovely reception where they live for his side of the family. There were probably about 100 people there.
Gosh, what a surprise– either no one cared to come out to the cheaters’ wedding, or they had something tiny and quiet out of town because there was very little reason to celebrate. I don’t plan on getting married again, but if I do, I should certainly hope that my family and friends would be a part of it because I was marrying a decent guy, and they were happy to celebrate our union. Any future wedding I might have will not be a Wedding of Shame.