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That Moment of Chump Rebellion

ftsEvery liberation campaign begins with an act of rebellion. Today’s Friday challenge is to tell Chump Nation about that first moment you un-chumped.

Maybe you’re one of the quick learners and you filed immediately. Most of us, however, did not detonate the nuclear consequence right away. Instead, there were uprisings and skirmishes. Periods of lucidity where you cracked your head through the spackle and said “Fuck. This. Shit.”

What was your “I will not be your chump” awakening? When did you get uppity? How’d it feel?

Mine was pretty dramatic and terrifying. I’d love to tell you it was all cloud partings and rainbows, but it was actually spent crying in a courthouse. Not for a divorce (see “slow learner”) but for a protection of abuse order after he threatened me. (Otherwise known as “Your Situation Goes Beyond Infidelity — Esther Perel).

It was the first time I put the heavy boot of consequences on his neck. He got thrown out of the house. That wasn’t the end, but it was the beginning of the end. I acted like a person who knew her worth.

What’s that song lyric? Free your mind and the rest will follow…

So tell me, Chump Nation, when did you first un-chump?

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Ha! When I called HR and reported them for fucking on company time. It was a month long investigation and they interviewed all of their coworkers!

    • I wish I could have done this…it would have been so much fun!!!
      Your post brought me a mental fantasy filled with satisfaction and glee.
      Her salary supports them so he can support me, so it wasn’t an option for me.
      Congratulations on being able to shine the light on their actions!

      • Rebecca, same^^. My ex is a firefighter and had sex at the station, at the trauma helicopter hangar, in the training auditorium ( and not with me, btw) but my atty told me to be careful how much of his stuff we put out there because his salary pays my alimony. Would I LOVE to humiliate him that way?? Uhh….hell yes. Unfortunately it’s gonna have to be enough that the girl ( one of them anyway) that he was banging in all those places is now most likely being cheated on.

        • Please tell me how to report this so HR will listen! She reports to him and he would spend 2 hours in her private office every Friday!

          • I have a male chump friend whose now ex is the head of HR and she cheated on work time with a male co-worker that’s still married. Even HR, which is the moral compass of a company has cheaters.

            • omg! What is it with HR? My ex cheated with my former friend who is manager of HR in a different co. Her ex is an employee of said Co. How can that not be a conflict of interest? especially since it is a gov dept!Wish I had pics to prove it sat the time but in Canada it only matters in the court of public opinion.

      • I thought the same thing. They were coworkers and absolutely had their physical relationship start on business trips using company resources. I resisted because the last thing I needed was for ex-douchecanoe to lose his job. Funny enough 6 months after the divorce was final my ex was fired for a bad attitude at work. I don’t know what had happened since when we were together he was getting raises and promotions at work each year and was seen as a rising star in the company. I think people figured out about them and didn’t make life each for him. I had a few acquaintances at my ex’s company so I casually mentioned the affair and I’m pretty sure that fueled the rumor mill and people were not too kind to him. I have no idea how it all went down, but it certainly was nice to know. Thankfully by that time he was already locked into child support but he took him about 6 months to fins a new job.

      • Should have reported her to the owner and or trustees. I know that if that happened in my company it would have been investigated and terminations would have resulted. Most companies do not want the potential scandal.

        • My ex had an affair with a company client and his company didn’t give two shits about it. They had an HR talk with him but that’s about it. He got to keep his job and his hoe who he lives with now. So yeah…

    • I wish I knew at the time that my STBX was fucking his secretary. They were both married with top secret security clearances. My STBX was working on top secret US weapons programs. They were traveling together and fucking at every stop. A lot of shit would have gone done had I turned them in. She is still working for the government. I wonder if there is anything I can do to get her now. Ideas?

      • It still sounds like you would be putting your income at risk since he was the one in control of that sitch. My latehusband was in charge of government and Susan was in sales for the company trying to sell the govt their wares. They got caught in the affair by her employer and was fired…I bet they really didnt want to but would have been in legal shit if they were caught “providing sex” to govt customers. Odd thing is my thenhusband didnt get in trouble.

    • Good one Starr! I can’t claim credit for reporting Asshat and his Howorker. Probably one of his other subordinates did since their relationship was well known.

      But I will admit to a good laugh when he told me they both got fired, one right after the other the day after our divorce was final.

    • My hopefully soon to be ex had 2 separate sexual harassment charges filed on him at his previous job and of course they were just trying to get back at him. He changed jobs a year and a half ago and of course had an affair with a married co worker. He is the CFO/COO of a non profit in South Carolina and when I contacted his co workers he filed a restraining order against me and had the nerve to tell me if I filed for divorce stating adultery that I would be hurting the organization and be in violation of my restraining order. What a piece of s_ _ _. We were married for 37 years and I’m not sure how I will ever get the stink of him out of my life.

      • ” he had the nerve to tell me if I filed for divorce stating adultery that I would be hurting the organization and be in violation of my restraining order …”

        That’s awful. I’m so sorry. I’d have to see the restraining order, and this is NOT legal advice, which you should get from your lawyer, but I cannot see that POS’s threat being remotely plausible.

        I hope your lawyer is advising you to file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. It’s complicated to explain why it should be more than possible.

        Is your lawyer a pitbull? You’re going to need it. That said, just hanging in there is an “act of rebellion.” Good for you!

    • Oh God, Frozen-in-the-Ice Mortification, Turning Dove.

      I just lost my supper.

      How can you erase that visual – ever?

    • Cooler than a polar bear’s toenails? You, TurningDove!

      That was fucking disgusting.

    • Oh TurningDove, this is awful.

      On the other hand, you are a very talented writer. How could your ex cheat on someone with your ability?

      I would consider it a public service if you would post this on Vaginal Lip Spreader’s Facebook page. Even if she never sees this, it’s out there. It’s here. And I, for one, will be laughing at it and her for a long time.

      PS I’m your STD-sister. Turns out his sweaty geezer ball sac was covered in genital warts – not just a rash from too tight tighty whities [pre-D-day it never crossed my mind that he would cheat. I lived with that level of cognitive dissonance for years.]

  • Mine was nothing spectacular at all. I just realized one day that he felt he had choices and he certainly decided to exercise them. So, I finally woke up and realized that I also had choices and I wasn’t going to put up with his and Schmoopies “in your face” adultery anymore! His choice was Schmoopie and his new “cool” life with her, Mine was to file for divorce, get everything and kick his butt to the curb! Win/win! We both got what we wanted! Well… least I know I did. Him? Not so much!

    • I thankfully wasn’t married to my guy, but I had a similar moment. Some friends of mine had been through tough times of their own, and my guy friend said “One day I hit a wall and had to decide what I wanted – the woman I love and my daughter, or something else entirely. Rhys will hit that wall at some point, I promise.”

      On the day in question, I cried and sobbed my heart out, but you know, my guy friend was right. Rhys made his choice – so I made mine. Short of me telling him to fuck off when he tried to contact me a few months later, I never spoke to him again. There’s power in saying “This is what it is, and it’s not anything else.”

    • I think that decision to grab your life away from a jerk WAS spectacular.
      You took control of your destiny.
      This is empowering to me. I am tired of being sad. I need to recognize my “choices”, as you did.

  • I too got an order of protection after he left our two children alone in a locked hot car to mess around. Still going through coparenting hell but definitely meh towards him.


    • Wow, that is bad! I hope he didn’t get joint custody after that. It doesn’t get more selfish than that.

      • lostnx, no doubt, it’s SO dangerous. Off thread, but important info: 60° outside, car can still heat up to well above 110 degrees. It only takes a 57-degree outside temperature to cause heatstroke. If 80°, temps inside car can reach deadly peaks in 10 minutes. More on site below. Two shocked me.

        loveydovey, just curious: how did he react before, during, or after court hearing? That kind of entitlement — wow.

        • Claire,
          So pertinent! I had to act the fool last week when I saw a little Yorkie gasping for air in a car.
          And thank you deeply for your kind words about my Roxie. You are so well written and I love your vocabulary. You could help me get past this one hard level on Letter Garden. I am obsessed! It also helps fight insane urges to contact a cheating sociopath.

          • You’re a better woman than I; I have urges to do Serious Bodily Harm to a cheating sociopath. (ABOVE the waist, Chump Guys, above.)

            I’d better start playing this Letter Garden game, pronto. (Had to Google it. I am such a dork about tech pop culture.) I’m going to start tonight. It looks fun!

            I’m so glad my words reached you about Roxie. I inscribed your sentence into a favorite novel. And thanks for the compliment. Post D-day, I’m full of self-doubt on just about every level … so today’s stories are especially inspiring. And, uh, educational. 😉

            • Oh…..we are the same. I lull myself to sleep with homicidal ideation about my X and his harem. Especially for the bus stop tramp that answered his phone, would not put him on the phone and called ME crazy. And then hung up on me and turned off his phone. It is his fault she had access to his phone, but gall of these OW.

              I love him and I want to beat him within an inch of his life. Cheating ruins everything. He killed us.

              I told him: If he had done anything else horrible…anything….I could have worked with it. Shoplifting, insane tattoo, bar fight, gambling losses….but not betraying me sexually and emotionally.

  • I made him and his new wife (our former au pair) prove to me they don’t have HIV for the kids sake. GET TESTED OR WE FIGHT ABOUT THIS IN COURT. “What me? She couldn’t have given me an STD she is a good person.” GET TESTED. “I have no symptom of any disease, never had.” GET TESTED. “You misspelled a word somewhere in your email. So I just don’t understand what you’re saying. ” GET TESTED. “You get tested” (as though I hadn’t, first thing.) GET TESTED “See you were always like that. So irrational and fearful.” GET TESTED “Fine. But it’s so hard, nobody will give us an appointment.” GET TESTED “I don’t understand. What do you want me to get tested for?” GET TESTED “She’d never sleep around or do something like that.” (I’m laughing so hard, tears are coming out of my eyes at that one.) GET TESTED “Fine.”

    • Wow, your exes new wife is really bright, hey? 😉 You are MIGHTY ChompingChump! I myself got tested for EVERYTHING just in case. I wasn’t about go into my new life with any STD. Who knows what the fuck he did all those years and he could so easily lie to my face about any subject matter. He could easily have lied about never having any sexual contact with anyone during our marriage. I was done believing him and needed to do what was best for me.

    • Mine told me that STD testing was “punishing” him.

      The whole STD thing could be its own post.

      • Good God. I thought I was the only one who heard that BS flapping from my cheater’s mouth. Seriously?

            • I demanded an STD test immediately for both of us.
              Has horribly embarrassed but went to the doctor and got it done.

              And, doh me – I forgot to ask him for the results!!
              I guess I didn’t care as, at least I was clean and that’s all that mattered cuz his scuzzy mouth would never get close to mine again.

        • No. First thing you do once you suspect infidelity is RUN, not walk to the nearest place that will do a full panel STD screen. Conversely, that’s how I found out X#1 was cheating on me all those years ago – I started having symptoms I shouldn’t have had. 🙁

          • Ugh! I just saw two pregnant patients last week (OB/GYN rotation) that found out about spouses cheating because they were diagnosed with an STD. My heart melted. One of them said she couldn’t leave him because she was reliant on his income, the other just said it was a “bad test,” but took the treatment.

      • Mine was furious the day I went to get my own STD testing, because it was was “stressful” for him.

          • I paid for testing out of the joint account too, and made sure the transaction memo said “payment for monogamous wife’s STD screening.” That appeared on the bank statements I submitted to the court; small potatoes, but still satisfying.

            • That doesn’t sound like small potatoes to me. Like many small victories here, it’s potent. It’s potent both in content and symbolic value. (And, of course, as CL notes, fighting back against power and balances and power plays starts with small acts of resistance.) For example:

              Joint account and “monogamous wife”: WE have shared a life, I’VE been loyal, and YOU will (partly) foot the bill for endangering me.

              Transaction memo as a whole: You don’t get to lie anymore, to betray without consequences. I’m not going to roll over. And the conspiracy of silence/lies is hereby punctured. Publicly.

              Don’t care what kind of jurisdiction you’re in, had I been judge or his attorney, I’d have been impressed. Hope you don’t mind if I steal this brilliant little maneuver of yours!

      • Oh I found out my ex had given me an STD while sitting in the exam room at the hospital, VERY pregnant, during a routine pregnancy checkup. It was super cool.

      • Oh yes, mine also felt like asking for STD tests was being irrational and vindictive. Because what’s nice and rational is sleeping with prostitutes around the world and giving STDs to your nursing wife, while secretly getting yourself treated for said STDs. Asking for tests is just irrational and vindictive.

      • “How dare you make me deal with the consequences of my actions! You’re PUNISHING ME with reality!”

      • Definitely a whole post on its own. When I told Cheese Fries I’d gotten STD tests, he told me that was bitchy.

      • Mine told me I didn’t need to get tested because he’d always used a condom. Yeah…I’ll trust that…

        • My x also said the same. According to him hs AP was clean even though she was married living with her hubby. Hubby was hitting it raw by the way, vomit!

          • Mine had spill some very hot soup on his wandering dick. It healed up a bit but left read blotches all over where the soup had touched it. He forgot about the soup incident but I didn’t. So one day he comes in with this horrified look in his eyes that his precious wander pecker was diseased. (I knew immediately what it was about) But I ‘freaked’ out and said that Goddamit you have caught something from slunty. (He knew slunty slept around) So I sent him down to the public health department where he had to drop his pants in front of my girl friend, a public health nurse, who alas was too professional to tell him he had ‘dickilessdropoffia’ a form of leprosy… But I have to say I still smile when I think of this.. So I think that was a bit rebellious. Man I am so glad that that dick has dicked off to another location with the same slunty.

          • Yes. The skanks were all clean. So no condoms.The one living with a man and sleeping with three other managers. The one who was engaged. Yes. They were all clean till STD hit. I mean that would be the first thing on my mind with a new sex partner.

        • Yes mine told me he always wore a condom. So I asked him, he said ummm no! Then I asked her again. She said well I had talked to him for a few days and he did not have a history of sleeping around and was safe. So you knew the 26 year old for 7 days. He obviously would be up front and honest about himself. So you got drunk with him and had sex. So drunk on that occasion you don’t remember exactly what happened. And that was a great idea. Oh don’t worry since she did not remember well the first time she went back for more. And did I say? she was not on birth control!
          Thank God testing came back negative.

          • David. She put her own health at risk and subsequently, yours as well. She could have the decency to at least not lie about it. Smh. These cheaters just dont care about anything.

            • I had to go to my gyn, who also happens to be one of my best friends from college and get tested. Imagine the embarrassment. I didn’t ask him to get tested, because he was not touching me again and I frankly did and still don’t care if he gave her something.

              • STBX is a physician. My doc was a colleague. When I told her what had gone down, she said “wow, what a cruel asshole.” Of course she wouldn’t say anything, privacy laws… But, it felt REALLY good that someone he had professional interaction with knew how awful he was. He always plays the devoted dad/husband at work. And the esteem of his peers is really important to him. Small victory for righteousness.

        • Yes I heard that too. But since my ex was cheating with multiple strippers and wasn’t wearing a full body condom and rinsing his ass kissing (literally) mouth out with germicide, that wasn’t very comforting. I got tested twice and made him test and send me the results. I’ll probably get tested again at some point even though it’s been 4 years since I had sex with him since I’ve read that some STDs can take awhile to be one symptomatic.

          • What is it with ass and other forms of oral with basically strangers? X was not a kisser with me and boy am I glad. He thinks his mouth is impervious to STDs. Extra stupid!

        • Mine used a condom and somehow the whoremat ended up pregnant anyway and she “missed a period” only 8 days after they had sex. And it was DEFINITELY my STBX’s. I told my dr about all this when I went to get my STD check and she said the likelihood was like 2% that that could even happen and that it was 100% impossible to miss a period by days after 8 days from conception. But STBX had to believe her. Because the dr wouldn’t know better than some stupid slut would ?

      • Yup. I also will chime in because the swinging, serial cheating MOW was declared “clean” by my non-condom using cheater. Hence, I have an STD!

        Absolutely manslaughter because he KNEW she has herpes because in their true love transparency she told him!!! Weird that I wasn’t informed, not even when I was nursing infants.

        The worst day of my life was when my doctor called me with the results of my STD panel. Worst day because there was a possibility that I may have transferred something really really really bad onto my sons unknowingly. Fuckers.

        • A simple! piece of federal legislation making it a crime to infect your spouse with an STI would go a long way to bringing real consequences to these cheaters.

          • It is simple. And you would think, that in todays world of HIV and many strains of untreatable STDs, there would be a law. But since we have politicians whom have no morals and would be the first to go to jail…… there is little hope of this becoming a reality.

          • Totally agree we need law changes in NZ too. My first rebellion came when I told the traitor what he has done to me for years is as bad or worse than using a date rape drug. He drugged me with lies. I didn’t consent to sex with someone who didn’t love me and was fucking his ex behind my back. I didn’t consent to go through six miscarriages with that. I consider it rape. He said I was vitriolic, he was all righteous indignation. I wish I could get him prosecuted.

            • Just a nod to the fact that we have so many nations represented here in Chump Nation. US, Canada, England, New Zealand, Australia, Germany, Belgium, Ireland, Scotland, Mexico… so many more I am sure I seem rude for leaving one out. But good to know that it’s not just one continent overrun with cheaters.

              And yes, kiwi. Until and unless courts start to see adultery as on par with any other sexual violence we won’t know justice. It was tied in with no fault divorces. Previously women couldn’t escape bad husbands because of ancient draconian divorces. Now there is such a lackadasical attitude toward cheating and children get hurt, people get robbed, and there are real consequences going unregulated that in other contexts get real jail time. Alas, that is a ways off. But if we can get gay marriage in eight years in the U.S., there is hope for adultery reform.

              • Ian – ‘But if we can get gay marriage in eight years in the U.S., there is hope for adultery reform.’

                If there is one reason over many others of why I’m still here after this many years (3+), it’s because I see a vision from this site.
                More and more people join everyday and I think all of us chumps would like to see more attention paid to problems of no-fault divorce states and alimony paid to cheating spouses. Obviously, this is very wrong and these laws need to be changed in marital court.
                Same with providing for very emotionally damaged children in the aftermath.

                Not that anybody I know IRL want to hear about the issues I talk about.
                Most people I know now don’t want to hear it, and this is why the internet can be so powerful.

                Well, C/L doing a Ted Talk would certainly help our underground movement!
                We have Zero divorce support groups here and many who need help.

              • Yes Ian and Shechump, I also hope that with the momentum this site has created there may come public pressure for law changes. One is the return of fault divorce of course. The other would be some form of recognition for the frauds perpetrated in relationships whether married or not, the effects of emotional abuse on partners and entire families etc. A few test cases on the interpretation of existing laws might help too. People have tried to prosecute partners who knew they had HIV and didn’t tell, why not other STIs?
                I am always shocked to read the court reports here and see people prosecuted for stealing $50 worth of groceries in a supermarket while the twisted cheaters get away with destroying people around them.
                I also want to point out that on this site I have read many posts that showing that CN isn’t a collection of ultra conservative loons. We have same sex chumps and we understand that everyone here who committed honestly deserves honest commitment and respect in our consensual relationships. We are responsible adults expecting to live in a society that fosters responsible adult behaviour because that’s what a society needs from its adult citizens. Common sense! So I am pleased to see same sex marriage mentioned here too. When the campaign to legalise this was in full swing here, I must admit I was ambivalent until I realised how much the option to make this deep commitment meant by seeing the debates bring some couples to tears. I am not proud that it took me so long to get it! But I am glad it clarified for me how much being engaged to my partner meant in a wider context. Shame it turned out I was engaged to a traitor. The law change here has made it clearer that there is a fundamental different between de facto relationships and marriage and that people want a real choice between the two which are treated as equivalent in NZ. Vows, promises mean something so why does the law ignore this while it is possible to enforce a verbal contract in business transactions but not in relationships?

      • Mine told me that there was no reason for STD testing. He either meant that it wasn’t necessary because she was so “pure and clean” or he just never intended to touch me again.

          • Ian, do you know Cerebrus?! D-day morning …

            Stunned, grim, and despite being petite, apparently giving off take-no prisoners vibe ….

            “Tonight you will give me the details. This INSTANT you will drive straight to X Health Center and get tested. For everything.”

            He: “We used condoms. Every time. For 5 years.”

            I: “What part of ‘this instant’ do you not understand?”

            He, utterly serious, “Got it. Not sure it’ll matter though.”

            • This site…!

              “Not sure it’ll matter though. I’ll probably be dead before dawn.”

              • I do not know Cerberus, but I have been reading Chump Lady for nine months now. Their words and stories are so unoriginal that they start to become like bad murder mysteries. You will be able to predict the ending by just knowing the characters.

      • Mine had unprotected sex with the first OW even though she told him she had herpes. Who does that? Then I found internet searches, like ” can you get herpes from fingering someone?” dated before the time he told me the affair started. I wanted to vomit.

          • Thank you! Thankfully, I do not have it. However, I did receive a letter from the doctor’s office stating that I had it (got the letter in the mail on a Friday evening). When I called the doctor’s office on Monday morning, they told me that someone had made a mistake. This was just one of the many horrible things he did. I could write a book. I am a therapist, who has been in therapy several years now, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of what he did. For example, he snuck out on his motorcycle and picked up a strange woman from this seedy motel in our town. At 2 am, the police were knocking on my door because the woman reported he raped her. He was never charged. I bet money that she was a prostitute, but that was never told to me. The police wouldn’t even tell me what happened. They said I had to talk to my ex to find out. My ex is now married to one of the OW. She was in our motorcycle group and thought she was a friend. I want so bad for everything to fall apart for him, but he seems to be able to fall back in his own shit and come out clean.

            • Stories like these make me think what is the point? The truth is that a lot of these fuck ups end up okay cause we chumps are just speed bumps in the road of their lives of entitlement.

              • That’s great your health is fine, Therapist Chump. I hear what you are saying about wishing things would fall apart for your ex. I have the same wish too, but I don’t think it’ll ever happen. He’s a master liar and manipulator. He fooled me for 25 (however I was on to his pathological lying the last few years of our marriage.) He can easily fool another Martha for 25 years. He’s got loads of flying monkeys and a large harem of women and followers. Most everyone thinks he’s a “nice guy.” Well, they haven’t lived with him intimately, so how would they know he’s a narc? Like CL tells us, leave a cheater gain a life. I try not to think about him and I haven’t gone an entire day yet and I probably won’t if I keep visiting CL. lol. 🙂 Take care, Therapist Chump

        • Therapist, I am so sorry. That is trauma. He was a real rocket scientist, huh?

          He can be on the one way flight to Katmai Island where Tempest and my X are going for a Grizzly Adventure weekend. We are packing their coat pockets with snacks of salmon oil and Bits O Honey candy bars.

          • Thank you!! He told me, “Something’s wrong with me.” I replied, “You think?” Lol!! Boy would I love to see that!! I spend many nights lying awake thinking of all the bad things I wish would happen to him.

            • Yup. Mine said the same. Something is wrong. So wrong in fact that he needed God and salvation. He said his behavior was ruining lives of people he loved and who cared for him. He kept doing it though.

            • Me too. I worry sometimes about the detail my mind goes into. But, how else our we supposed to act?
              Like a meek mouse after someone abuses us so egregiously?

              This is what I know. My X….should be down on his knees, thanking whatever Gods he believes in (probably the god of Columbian Bam Bam)
              that I….
              Have SOMETHING TO LOSE.

              Because if I did not, or a day comes when I don’t….He is going down. That is not tough talk. I mean it.
              If the day comes, and the oncologist says, It’s Stage 4….you have 3-6 months….I am going to get medieval on his ass.

      • What is it with the cheaters saying we are “punishing” them? As if!

      • “Whoremat doesn’t have any STDs! Her ex just slept around like crazy and she slept with him but she’s not like that! She would NEVER have an STD! You don’t have to get tested! When she found out she was pregnant with me after 8 days and a missed period (???) she went to the dr and got tested and they said no. She was clean.”

        Okay well the whoremat and I are NOT on good terms like you two are. She’s a fucking slut and a skank and I AM GETTING TESTED! She’s a WHORE! Regular people do NOT sleep with married men! ESPECIALLY when they’ve actually CAUGHT their own husbands cheating on them!

    • This was so satisfying to read. Its such a perfect snapshot of what it’s like to deal with a cheater.

    • Wow. Just wow. The au pair – what a fucking cliche.

      On D-day, I asked x if he used a condom (as far as I know, he has NEVER worn a condom).

      He just giggled.

      And I have a growth on my cervix after being monogamous for twenty years. Heeheefuckinghee.

        • Where I live, the Catholic nun associated with my nearby Catholic church does sex ed for the local Catholic kids as part of confirmation. She has been doing this for generations. ‘Sister Mary Potter’ is known all over my community for her approach to sex education. That is abstinence and pictures of the most diseased penises and poontangs you have ever seen. Seriously, you can kind of tell where the kids are in their classes by the look on their faces. The look of shock and horror lasts for about a week. Anyway, I think many of the men in our lives could benefit from some of the pictures from Sister Mary Potter. (I just googled ‘diseased penis’ and none of the images I found come even close to Sister Mary Potters catalog of horrors.)

          • As we all now Google “diseased penises”…….Holy crap! I didn’t even know stuff like that existed. Now a diseased penis or vagina would for sure be the best punishment for these cheaters.

            • Bang on.
              Many people who know me say I would have been happier living in “Little House on the Prairie” days…..that I am old fashioned.

              Aside from most parts of the Internet, A/C, good coffee and access to pain killers…I am so okay with that.

              We need more Old Fashioned. Anything does NOT go.

    • It used to piss me off how he would hold Shmoopie up as a paragon of virtue. “Shes so sweet!” Helloooo shes cheating on your brother with YOU! But shes such a good person! She flashed her boobs at you in the hot tub while her boyfrieds back was turned. Sweet huh?

        • Claire,
          My X has had sex with the same…..critter that his brother has sex with when she was 18. She has 4 children from different fathers. She is not ugly (but she will be one day, due to her hard partying ways) but she preens and posts on FB as if she is Miss Universe.

          She is a felon, a drug user and talks like a bad rap song.

          And she is as bold as brass. No shame.

          This pains me to type it…but he could not stop contacting her. Men I know….(professionals) would not spit on this woman if she was on fire. My X and I come from very different backgrounds socially and culturally. The first being that I am not a gutter cheater.

          I would try to explain to him…did he not understand that normal men do not want women who have been so easy? That have been pumped more than the town gas station?

          And, I have stopped checking, but about 6 weeks ago, she had proudly posted a photo of My X on her Fakebook page (not a typo).

          Staying away from him is made easier when I truly grasp that he has no ethics. No moral compass is there.

          • How the heck do guys in their 40s and up even meet 18 year old girls to fuck? Never mind. That’s a path of depravity even I don’t want to google.

            • Ian, you are a very decent man with morals so therefore you wouldn’t go there and it truly warms my heart to know that decent men like you do exist. If you ever change your mind I could put you in contact with my ex but it might mean moving to S E Asia!!

            • They have trusting caring wives who let the babysitter stay in their house when she doesn’t have a place to live. Then he decides to leave his wife of 20 years for the 21yr old sitter

              • KFL – ‘Then he decides to leave his wife of 20 years for the 21yr old sitter’.

                Please, tell me what’s IN this for the 21 yr old sitter.
                I never would have been attracted to a man that old.
                At least I knew that much.
                He would have felt like my dad, my parent – wtf?
                She sounds pretty off if she goes after that age when she’s young and nubile and all the guys around her the same age are pining.
                This makes no sense other than I had a HS friend once who was determined once to make money off sex.
                Have no idea where she is today.

    • I had to be tested at 61 years of age as the ex had been having sex with prostitutes in a 3rd world country. in S E Asia. This little pearl of information was kept from me and when I found out I was gutted as I had only ever been with my ex and he knew what that meant to me. I was sick to the pit of my stomach knowing he could betray me in such a cold and calculating way physically. I was used to the mental betrayal but the intimate betrayal was the end for me and I never even got “I am sorry” from the bastard. The bastard now lives with a prostitute in her country and I hope he rots there. In fact, I saw a photo taken of him just last week and I can tell you, living with a 24 year trollop and her boys in all that heat and filth is not doing him any favours. After nearly 2 years over there he looks absolutely terrible. He was never the best looking sort in the world but he took a good photo. Now he can’t even take a good photo. Maybe the karma bus is rolling on in and I hope so. I will never, ever get over what he did to me but I am beyond it now.

        • Thank you Sunny and LaJ. LaJ, I have always said “you can’t kill weeds” !! I will be around for some time to come dear friend. 🙂

      • Maree, what a scum bucket your ex is. Who runs off to live with a prostitute?! Who are these people?? Yuck. So sorry you had to go through this.

        • Martha, I looked very hard at the photo of the ex and he looks evil. He is supposed to be smiling but it is almost like he was sneering at the camera. He is still very well liked back here in Australia by people who are either very similar to him or who are just plain weak and that includes our 2 adult children because they prefer their father and the prostit-tot to me. I am so over that now and I simply do not care any more.

          • Maree, I’m so happy to hear that you have come to the point of not caring any more.
            Your X is a shallow human being. Sounds like his face is revealing his true personality.
            My X is well liked and comes across to the public as a charming, upstanding citizen.
            It’s true that those who like him are like him or weak. I’ve been repeatedly disappointed and hurt by my son’s complete disregard for me. Not only has my son’s rejection from me been painful but he’s also taken advantage of my kindness.I’ve come to the point now where I can’t continue to make excuses for his behavior. What I find most disturbing is his lack of remorse or regard for my feelings. I didn’t what to believe he could be so cold hearted.
            I don’t deserve to e treated like shit. I’m working on not caring and moving on.
            It’s a heartbreaking decision but he’s left me with no other option.

            • brit, I understand your pain with regard to your son. There is absolutely no excuse for his rejection and poor treatment of you. I know how much it hurts you and I wish I could make it better. I love my 2 kids and nothing will ever change that but I will no longer tolerate them disrespecting me and treating me badly. I, like you was and still am a good mother. My kids were everything to me but I have to let that go. Even though we are the adults so to speak, my kids are now middle age and I will just let it be. Keep reaching out brit and hopefully your son will start to see the error of his ways. I hope you have one or two very good and trusting friends to be by your side when you need them. ((((HUGS BRIT))))

      • Maree,

        It might ease your pain some to know that living in a South East Asia, unless you have loads of cash, is NOT a dream life. I imagine he is in Thailand. In Thailand, you have to be on your guard at all times about being ripped off if you are not Asian. There are 4 levels of prices, staring with the highest.
        1. Japanese Tourist
        2. American/British/Western Europe Tourist
        3. Other Asians
        4. Thais

        I spent about 4 months in Thailand and Cambodia. Being a tourist with money to burn….great. Living there? No way. He is going to be looked to for negotiating, bargaining and “handling” business from his Thai Ho. Simple transactions like buying supplies or having a service performed will because exercise to see how much money can be made off him. Or a pissing contest between him and a Thai man. (Your X will lose).

        He will have to be “on guard” at all times, both with his wallet and being perceived as insulting someone. Touching a Thai child on the head? Never! It is deeply insulting to Buddhists. He might get his ass kicked.

        He will never be accepted as an equal in Thai culture. Never. “White” men who come and live with Thai (or Cambodian) women are seen as clowns who are being used. It is an open joke. They are ridiculed, but because they do not know the language, and no one tells them, they are clueless.
        They are made to pay for everything…extended families included.

        I wish I could afford to put up a billboard for Western Men: Thai women LOVE Thai men. They are not seeking Westerns because they can’t find love.

        There is one reason. Money. (This is true of most mail order brides.)

        Your X is being used, and I am 100% confident in saying that. After his funds run out, she will kick him to the curb with brutality. And she will have an army of cold eyed Thai men who will help her do it.

        He is headed to beyond sadz sausage town. And without a Thai woman to translate their impenetrable language, he will be lost. Phonetically, you can pick up small phrases (I have an ear for languages) but reading it? Forget about it.

        This would also apply to the Philippines, if he leaves the capital. (And I would NOT want to be in the Philippines right now…scary stuff).

        When I finally left South East Asia, I felt a sense of relief. It is so hot, grippingly drippingly humid hot, and the smell of exhaust from the mopeds gets so old. It gets so…exhausting have to fight with people over simple prices. Being stared at every where you go. And not like Italian me…appreciative stares..just like mouth open, blank stare. I can’t stress to you enough- you need a lot of money to live in comfort in SE Asia. They are not stupid. They know Westerners want A/C. You better believe you will pay for it and private car transport.

        When I would ride my moped, I had to tie a bandana around my nose and mouth due to the fumes. After a few days, it would be black. Buying a car over there is off the charts expensive.

        What he did to you is an abomination from the bowels of hell. But know this: He-is-doomed. The minute…the nano second he can’t pay for what she or relatives want- it will be over and he might be homeless or beat up and left in the jungle.

        Believe it and take comfort!

        • Sylvia, thank you so much for your post and I do appreciate your information as I don’t know much about SE Asia and really never had much of an interest until the ex went to live there. The ex is in Cambodia and he loves it. He is an extremely cunning person so he will be on his toes. Quite some time ago I did say to him that he has met his match and he is being scammed like he scammed me and all he could do was smirk. He has himself convinced that this 24 year old truly loves him at his grand age of 64. As they say there is no fool like and old fool and I will leave him to it as he has chosen this life. He does have considerable money at the moment but he is spending it like a man with no arms. How else can he keep a 24 year old happy and her boys and her family. Hell is waiting for him. As an aside, you are a very pretty young lady if that is you in the photo. Don’t let sadness destroy your beautiful face or mind.

          • Dearest Maree,
            Thank you so much. I tried so hard to be pretty for my X. I do not understand why he did not value it…I cooked, smiled, picked out perfect movies, took on his problems. I am struggling with it today. I can’t slip up my fanatical no contact.Thank you for writing me. It helps I can provide this comfort to you.

            Because listen…I KNOW Cambodia! I still have friends there, and I was there longer than I was in Thailand. I just Skyped with my French friend who runs a hotel there!

            You rest your head easy tonight. You sleep sweet…BECAUSE Cambodia is dangerous and tricky.

            Your X is not fluent in Khmer. I know he is not. It is harder than Thai! Cambodians on the whole are kind people in surface transactions.

            BUT…they are desperately poor. Poor like we do not experience in the West. So, your X is in an impossible situation. He has to spend money to keep his Ho, and to not sweat to death, but there will be people watching. Guess who? The police. The government. Organized crime. Desperate strong young men…who make $3 a day.

            The Cambodian police are far scarier than I can convey. They play the long game. They will watch, and wait, and watch some more. Cambodian women do not have any political pull or power, unless connected to a governmental official. The Ho cannot protect him. She could not even protect him from an angry shop keeper.

            One day, it might be tonight, it might be next year…but the knock will come. It will be a thug, probably on the government payroll, and your X will be accused of something. It will go away…for a price. It will not stop. This is not “what if”. This is “it will” happen. If he was connected to an NGO or the United Nations…then no. But, some white dude living with a young Cambodian woman….TARGET.

            I told the owner of a guest house I stayed in…” I think Cambodia is dangerous. And I don’t get scared in many countries.”

            He said, and I am quoting…”If you do not understand you are in danger in Cambodia…YOU ARE IN DANGER.”

            So, your X can strut around and act like a big shot…he is a fool. Sickening…many men go to Cambodia to have sex with children.

            Who is setting it up? Cambodian men. Ruthless does not begin to describe some of them.

            Hell is waiting for him HERE on Earth. I did not see many white men with Cambodian women. Not at all. It is all in Thailand. Do you know why?

            Because they had enough sense to realize their life has very little value to people who make $100 a year.

            I hope your pain eases and you treat yourself this weekend. That abomination can SMIRK all he wants:

            THE JOKE IS ON HIM.

            • You are so so right, I remember talking to one old fool, who was shacking up with a twenty year old, he was boasting how they made better girlfriends because they had ‘twu wuv’,as CL would say, I told him ‘she only loves your money, and if you think I’m lying tell her you’re broke’. The exchange rate favors the US so you can live well on less money, but yes,as a foreigner, you’re walking around with a bullseye on your back and as Sylvia said, it’s just a matter of time

    • Yep! ‘Mine’ – yeah right – threw an absolute tantrum when I discovered he was riding my former friend (in my home, etc) bareback and decreed testing was essential. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, she’s not sleeping with anyone else.’ Face fucking palm! He was never an angry man. He was scary furious I suggested such an obviously stupid thing. Yup. HPV and chlamydia. I only ever slept with him! Her? Not so much. Ugh. The cervical cancerous changes I still receive monitoring and treatment for are stupid. Real stupid. Thanks whores.

      • I would find it laughable if it wasn’t so serious about how angry these idiots get when found out due to their lack of morals, self control and brain cells. I wish you well but this betrayal truly does mess with our minds. It is still the one thing that leaves me in disbelief and sad. They really do, do us a favour when they leave.

        • Or we leave them, Maree!

          Just as an aside, all Sylvia mentions is pretty on the mark. Did a really interesting anthropology undergrad paper on livelihoods in this area, we were specifically looking at Laos, but Vietnam, Thailand and Cambodia were looked at also. And a friend of mine who is doing her Masters on development in Cambodia will back this up, impoverished and desperate people from these SE Asian developing nations have a subsistence lifestyle, it’s hard, and many are supporting large families in rural locations by remittance. Latching onto an old, white guy is hitting the jackpot. And keeping him sweet is their job description, they don’t want to lose the golden goose. If he thinks it is love, okay?!!

          I am glad you are doing better, and the pain of the rejection of your kids is less painful than it once was. Let’s just see where his story ends up. And theirs too. If he has remarried a much younger woman, with kids, your kids are going to get a big fright when they discover daddy’s money is never going to reach them when he pops his clogs. I can’t imagine he has sewn that up legally in Australia, when he lives in Cambodia. But hey, at the end of the day, not your circus and monkeys, right? I can only imagine the pain, after all, the moneys, well, they are/were once, right? (But not anymore, adult children can sometimes be the pits!)

          • Thank you horsesrcumin for your post. It is interesting but I truly do not care about my ex anymore and I am glad he has gone. I think my heart and brain struggled to process for quite some time the loss of my identity as a wife and a mother as well as the loss of my kids. The ex actually did me a favour which I couldn’t see at the time but he did and I am glad to be free of the predator although I pity the girl even though she is also a predator !! Not my circus and not my monkeys now!!

            • Marie – ‘Not my circus and not my monkeys now!!’

              You have passed into Meh-Town! Good for you, girl and congratulations.
              What a painful journey.

              When I read how life is in the foreign countries of Cambodia and Thailand, I was intrigued by what Sylvia wrote – obviously well travelled.
              It gave ME comfort that your Idiot X will probably get his head knocked through a door someday.
              And, your kids will come to their senses.

              The whole point is, the grass is Not Greener on the Other Side.
              Until you start watering it.
              I have 3 large watering bowls for my dogs, and they will be the recipient of my nurturing.

      • Do you think his rage stemmed from his already knowing what he’d done to you? It just seems so strange that a typically not-overtly-angry fuckwit would go postal over that detail.

        I so hope you, and all the others affected by transmitted diseases, stay *relatively* well and that cures arrive soon.

        • At the time, early on in the piece, I think it was the entitlement, ClaireS. That he could fuck a maggot and get away with it scot-free. Zero consequences. And even a bit of total self mind fuckery (they really do believe this shit) that what he did could never affect me! He looks back on that period as one of total delusion, that he was so fucked in the head that he believed his own bullshit. As he said, if he heard that crap from anyone else, he would bitch-slap the crazy right out of them. If it was one of our kids’ partners ….

          I consider I was somewhat lucky. The diseases he gave me, one was completely curable, and cured, and the other, I am monitored and treated for any changes. Without any known cancers in my extended family, and a reasonably healthy lifestyle, hopefully I can keep the changes from developing further. Have done for quite a few years so far! The worst of it (for my money) was that the maggot told him once – years ago, when we first started seeing each other – that he would get AIDS from me. I was totally gobsmacked. I was a virgin (I went to school with her, same small town) and she had slept with half the town, and then most of the city she moved to’s population. I didn’t get it. I know she was pissed off with him for ending their relationship (she was serial cheating on him, go figure!) and that he’d moved on a few months later. I honestly couldn’t work it out. I wondered if it was because it was the 80s, and my Dad had just a couple of years earlier been outed as gay? The moral panic of the times? That of course every gay man was infected, and anyone near them was affected by the contagion??? It was just so weird! But she is a fucked up result of a womanising arsehole father, and a piously religious mother. You don’t get a lot more fucked than that winning combo! Dumpster diving sure is the modus operandi of the cheater. Even if she has the veneer of successful CFO. You can’t make a silk purse out of a maggot – isn’t that the saying?

  • I found out about the cheating on a Sunday morning. I spoke to a lawyer that day. (It helps that she is my cousin!) Went through the whole day normally (apple picking and out to dinner with the kids) and confronted him that night and kicked him out of the bedroom. It took me two months to convince him to leave the house. The divorce is final now. I got the house, three of the four kids wont see or talk to him, and things are better.

    • About six weeks after discovery, on a Wednesday night, when he came to bed (after pink cow FarmVille FB messaging), I rolled over and said he needed to talk to his brother about moving in with him on Friday. That Friday, I drove my daughter to her swim tournament and then dropped him off at his brothers house. Took me and my son home and never looked back.

  • I kicked him out after the last DDay, but he was trying to charm his way back in to my good graces.

    He came over when knew the hot water heater was out. He is a so NOT mechanically inclined pencil pusher, but I found him in the garage messing with it because the know-it-all thought he was so smart and could fix anything.

    I was trying to show him that when you google his OW’s name, her mug shot pops up and was asking him why would you forsake your family for that? He refused to respond but then asked for my phone so he could look up the hot water heater. I just snapped.

    I literally kicked him out of the garage shouting, “You broke our vows and broke our family, and now you’re going to break my hot water heater, too?! GET OUT! Get out of my garage! And get out of my life!!

    And then I took his remote to the gate of our community and changed all the lock codes. Needless to say, we now exchange for visitation at locations away from the house. Later, I sent him an email stating the water heater, like him, had hidden issues, could no longer function properly, and had to be discarded.

    I included the bill since I put it on his credit card. (Our finances had not been separated yet.) He never said a thing to me or my lawyer about it. Ha.

    • “Later, I sent him an email stating the water heater, like him, had hidden issues, could no longer function properly, and had to be discarded.”

      OMG – this made my day! You are mighty.

    • Finally, ! A CHEATER appliance that no longer works!

      Glad he was emasculated in this particular way – every choice he makes, from rutting to repair reveal him to be an asshole and he’s not fooling anyone, not even himself!

        • ForgeOn!

          So many chumps checking-in on this post. We need some kind of accreditation for chumps who have gained a life and come back periodically to share the good news from the other side!

          • Hey Ian! How goes it?!
            LOVE reading all your comments, as well as everyone else’s!

            This post has been one of the most amazing, crazy, healing, insightful smorgasbords of laughs, wisdom and caring! 750 comments!!! Un-freakin’-believable!

            You have a very good suggestion there, Ian. Tracy and now our Precious Tempest are the most accredited of former chumps, so they may have some thoughts on that.

            Is so true that once we get ‘to the other side’, we need to continue our clarion calls to those still wandering. I myself benefited greatly from such calls when I first landed here in Feb of 2014 and will do what I can to return the favor.

            I do indeed intend to continue to read,,,,and post when I have a moment, in order to comfort and empower any and all who find their way here.

            You will soon be ‘one of us’, Ian. You are ‘getting there’. As Winston Churchill said: “When going thru H___, KEEP GOING!” ‘Tis so important to NOT loose your momentum.

            Please, you too be one who can be ‘accredited’ once you make it to ‘the other side’. Our men chumps are so valuable and precious.

            Love to you, Ian…..and Love to all, as we…..ForgeOn!!!!

  • My first un-chump moment I’ve probably told quite a few times already here, but here it goes: Jeffrey Dahmer (that’s my new name for him thanks to Tempest) was sitting across the bed from me. We were talking post the Divorce Letter he gave to me. I was still doing the Pick Me Dance and trying to save our marriage. I told him that I wanted to understand why he needed to have such close female friends. What he calls “healthy female friends.” Yeah, I was stupid for saying that, but I was still in the fog. He then went on to tell me, “I gave up Sally for you. I gave up Mary for you. I gave up Anne for you.” Those are not their real names. He gave up all these women for me WHILE WE WERE MARRIED! How nice of him to do that for me! He then went on to tell me that he didn’t love me anymore. Funny how just a couple months before he “loved me so much!” I was instantly un-chumped and divorced from him in my heart at that exact moment. After he left our bedroom, I opened up the container that I saved the first and ONLY rose petals that he gave to me 25 years prior. Petals that I saved and cherished. I flushed them down the toilet. I then threw away all the negligees that I bought for him. And all the sex toys went in the garbage too. I was done and divorced emotionally from him. That was the start of the rage and anger building towards him and it took me another year plus to get all the anger out and go as much NC as I can see since I can’t go 100% because of the kids.

    • Yep! Mine was at our second and final marriage counseling session when he said, “I don’t love Catlady anymore.” It was like a switch flipped in me and I was just completely done. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say after 23 years of marriage. Of course, it wasn’t until several weeks later that I got proof of the latest affair, which explained everything to me.

      • One of my main moments (it was a snowball rolling downhill sort of thing) was also in marital counselling, second appointment, when the therapist asked him if maybe he wanted out of the marriage but was too cowardly to say so and he just looked down and mumbled “yeah, that.”

        Then, a half hour later as he was dropping me off at work, I took off my rings, he gave me his debit and credit cards that were on my account, and then he asked me for one last kiss.

        I will forever be grateful to that counsellor who was so much more perceptive than I was about a man I had known for over twenty years. But it took that little desire for a goodbye kiss from my ex of all of half an hour to hammer home that he had no sense of what was respectful or appropriate and never would.

        • He asked for a goodbye kiss?! Asshole! Hopefully you didn’t give him one. My ex grabbed me, kissed me passionately and told me he loved me. Seven hours later he’s sitting across from me in the basement, reading off the Divorce Letter that he wrote four days prior all day at work. Two days after he wrote the Divorce Letter, he grabbed and held my hand for the first time in months at church (gave me hope!). At his parents house the same day, I was sitting by myself on the couch and he came and sat right down next to me and snuggled with me. An hour later he gave me and his mom a group hug (once again giving us all hope.) A few weeks prior to this, I managed to pull-off another beautiful and delicious Thanksgiving, even though I was extremely depressed (post D-day), couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep. After dinner, in front of everyone, he grabbed me and kissed me passionately. Mind you, he hadn’t kissed me passionately since D-Day. His aunt even said, “Get a room!” And now looked at all this as what a big fake he is in public. He did all of this, sans that day he asked me for divorce, to perform to his audience of admirers. Jeffrey Dahmer is such a nice guy! What a great husband he it! Look how wonderfully he treats his wife! But when the admirers were not around, he did not act like this. A total con man. A total wolf in sheep clothing. A total parasitic predator of women.

          • Martha, first of all I love your new name for your ex. Jeffrey Dahmer suits him fine!

            My ex was also giving me all kinds of mixed messages, and all this was going down as I was having to entertain his family and our married kids of Christmas. Absolutely the worst time ever. I would sit there and silently cry and my ex would come over and ask “what’s wrong?” and I’d say, “I’m crying because this might be the last time I’ll ever have Christmas in this house with everyone (we were married 31 years, together 36). He looked really sympathetic and when I went to bed early, he came up and put his arms around me and held me all night. Then a day or two later he’s distant and depressed and pushing me away. It was so frickin’ confusing. At this point he’s just told me he’s “fallen out of love with me,” but I don’t know the whole truth of what’s going on with him, although I’m pretty suspicious there’s someone else. Anyway, the ambiguous message make your head want to explode. It’s like you’re getting hit on the hopium pipe every once in awhile, and it’s just enough to keep you from giving up. For the longest time I kept thinking he had a brain tumor or a serious mental illness that suddenly manifested. I kept thinking he would “wake up” and realize he was destroying me and our family. I swear, I now understand what it’s like for people to go through detox after having to force myself to break the bond I had with him after all those years.

            • I went the brain tumor/mental illness/ midlife crisis route too.
              I wish it had been a brain tumor.

              • Haha, I have wished he’d have a brain tumor too, but he supports me for now and I only wish health and peace on him. Plus a STD that will infect his penis. Gosh, I had no idea that penises could get so messed up! A few years ago I had this big eruption next to my private parts. It hurt so bad. Probably something my ex passed along. And I had something that was greenish coming out of my vagina. Probably something nice from the ex. He managed to not give me much to make me feel special, but the things he gave I’ll never forget.

            • “I kept thinking he would “wake up” and realize he was destroying me and our family. Yes, Lyn, I had those thoughts too. He was destroying me, our children and our family that we (mostly me) built together. And he did it without one tear being shed for what he did to me or the kids. The only tears he shed were for himself. Jeffrey Dahmer/Sad Sausage. He sat there as cold as ice while I’ll cried and shook uncontrollably. He was robotic when both of our children were crying hysterically. He tried the “Mom and I no longer want to be married to each other anymore” and I shut that shit down as soon as that lie came out of his mouth. It was ALL HIM! This is what he wanted. He wanted to be a cheater and a liar and an adulterer and a con man and predator of women. That’s what he wanted and that’s what he can now be. He can be his dream man for himself. He didn’t and still doesn’t give a shit what he did to me or the kids. Why would he? We were never a priority for him EVER! It’s easy to feel no feelings of empathy towards your wife and kids when you are a narcissist. Lyn, I’m sorry you too when through the mind games. Loving one moment and the next a cold and indifferent man. I have said this for a long time, but only a evil person can act this way towards another human being. I could never in a million years do this to another person. Never!

              • I’ll never understand how anyone can walk out on their family without any remorse or regret or empathy for the carnage they’ve left behind.
                In my case the evil is relentless. You’re right Martha it’s easy when you never loved them in the first place.
                It’s devastating to realize the life and and the person who you shared the last 25 years with was an imposter and never existed.

              • Lyn and Martha, mine put me through these same mind games. One minute he said that the kids and I could have the house and I could just pay him his half from my retirement account and the next he was “hurting and wanted a hug”. One minute he was saying that he had to cheat because I was so awful for getting upset over his drinking and staying out all night and the next “he didn’t deserve me”. Wtf?

                Sooooo many more scenarios like this and I was 6 months pregnant at the time. Months of this went on until I finally found out about the 23 year old he was seeing. This type of person has no empathy. It is always about them and manipulating you to get you to”fall in line” with what they want in any given moment. Their brains are disordered.

                No contact (or minimal with kids) is the only way to go. You have to stop them from messing with your mind long enough to start seeing this crap for what it is. Once I did that, I got stronger and began to heal.

          • My ex did fake lovey-dovey affectionate crap too during the whole “maybe we’ll reconcile” phase. It was just a show to keep me pacified so maybe I’d forgive or forget what I had seen him doing. I kind of started to fall for it but luckily I trusted my intuition that something seemed off. He was just trying to pacify me to keep up appearances and stop me from getting a lawyer. It kind of worked until he insisted he wouldn’t stop seeing his 19-year-old “friend”. Then the threats came out and finally the divorce. My biggest regret is not getting my shit together and hiring the meanest lawyer I could find immediately.

          • WTF! Like seriously! What is wrong with these people?! Stbx had a script like yours. Lay it on thick in public. Sometimes I’d wonder what was going on. At home? He was an utter bitch ( sorry female dogs) . At his family functions he’d get me a plate drink and ask what I wanted. Anywhere else… would not bother. Sends me flowers for my birthday when I was away studying. Never did that while I was home. I could go on. I hate people who play with peoples emotions. Yes . Hate. It is a deceitful act that as I’ve read here often amounts to a raping of the soul.

            • Mandie,
              That is text book narcissistic image control. My X would pump other women’s gas at the fuel pump (GAG).
              He would leave waitresses these jaw dropping tips (which I would go back and retrieve…more than the bill) and it was all to cultivate his

              “aww shucks, I am just a country boy”.

              Another nauseating thing I learned about my X is that he is a gossip. One of the best compliments I receive (over and over) is that I do not gossip. I think it is a cousin to be in a two face.

              Truly, I mind my own business. I would hear this fool, on my deck, just digging into other’s people business. I would be curled up with the Norton Anthology of Women’s Lives, and he is dishing with some clown about so and so.

              I said, Are you an old woman at a beauty shop? Mind your own business!

              It was a prurient interest in the misfortune of others. Not sexy. Not masculine.

              • SAD – ‘I said, Are you an old woman at a beauty shop? Mind your own business!’

                Ok, I expect some wrath from somebody over this but, to quote Pulp Fiction, ‘When you little scamps get together, you’re worse than a sewing circle.’

                It’s been my experience, seriously, that most of the men I know gossip at least as bad as women, if not far worse!

    • “What he calls “healthy female friends.”

      Kind of like “healthy snacks…” A nice label but he’s not letting you know what that really consists of……

      ““I gave up Sally for you. I gave up Mary for you. I gave up Anne for you.””

      This is the usual attitude of people who value “friendships” and believe that they are on par with a marriage.

      • Yep! “Healthy female friends.” That’s him trying to justify to me that it’s all perfectly healthy and normal. He even went so far to say to me that he wished I had “healthy male friends.” I have male friends at work. We talk about work and family stuff. I would never in a million years go out for coffee, lunch, dinner, or drinks with them. I’d never text or email them. The “funny” thing is that just before my 20th high school reunion, I got in touch with a guy that I dated for two weeks in high school. My husband even encouraged I’d email and see how he was doing. We emailed back and forth catching up. Nothing was hidden as all the emails came to our family email address. The friend from high school asked if we could meet the day after the reunion to catch-up face-to-face. Now he lived in MN and I lived in NY. We were at the reunion in WI and I probably would never see him again. I asked my husband if he minded if I met him for a few hours the next day. This was the first and only time in my marriage that I ever met alone with a guy. My husband said he didn’t mind. I was gone for two hours and we just sat in his truck by Lake Michigan. We talked and caught-up more with life. That was it. He drove me back to my moms where my husband and kids were staying. My husband looked soooo jealous! Now mind you. This is after 13 years of me putting up with him going out for lunch dates with women. And having lots and lots of close female friends. I wasn’t supposed to be insecure about that! No way! It was totally fine for him to do it, but not me. And I wasn’t even hiding it. The friend even came into my moms home and said goodbye to everyone, including my husband. Once back home in NY, a week later he said to me, “If you are pregnant, at least we know it’s not mine (my ex had a vasectomy.) So him seeing women behind my back was okay, but if I saw someone one time and one time only, I had sex with the guy? Hmmmm. Projection much? Yeah, Jeffrey Dahmer thinks it’s perfectly fine for him to have as many close emotionally intimate relationships with as many women as he’d like, but I couldn’t have one friend that I would never ever see again. Things that make you go, hmmmmmmmmmm

    • Jesus Christ! I know you are a Christian Martha and so am I, but what do these fuckers want ( rosary tonight)? Negligee. Sex toys. Sentimental. Intelligent. Dutiful. Willing to listen and understand. What do they really want? It is shit like this you know you gave more than these Aps in every way. Sexually most of us were no prudes. I sure wasn’t. What the hell is it? Yes. I know disordered but Jesus….

      • They want it all. They want the cake, the pie, the eclair, the torte, the taco, the money, the conpliments, the clean house and none of the work, sacrifice, loyalty, rules, boundaries or limitations that gets you those goodies. A subset of them also enjoy duping and hurting people who love them.

      • Mandie101, like CL and everyone said, they want cake. It’s tough to fully grasp it even still now. I seriously don’t know how I could have been a better wife. Trust me, I know I’m not perfect and like everyone in the world, I’ve made mistakes. But I in no way deserved to be treated like that! I’m not ugly. I always kept my weight down to make sure I was attractive to my husband and trust me, that wasn’t always easy. I think my body was still hot considering I was 48 years old at the time and had two kids. He told me all the time how hot I was. I wonder if that was a lie, too? I’m smart and up on current events up to a point, so I can have an intelligent conversation. I kept the house organized and clean with no help from him. I did all the meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking. I tried my best to be a good cook and baker. When we first got married I was a great cook. I tried my best. Every. Single. Time we went out for dinner, he’d order chicken. So, I figured I needed to get better at making chicken. So I did. Lots and lots of delicious chicken recipes. Then he switched to fish. Every. Single. Time he’d order fish. Made me feel like I wasn’t making enough fish at home, so I made more fish. He’d never have to say anything to me. His actions made me feel like I wasn’t doing cooking to his liking. But when I told him I’d no longer be cooking for him after he asked for a divorce. What the fuck did he make for himself every night for dinner. Pasta and jarred sauce. Where was the fucking fish?! I jumped through hoops in bed. He sucked in bed for the first 12 years of our marriage. Sex was all about him. Obligatory kissing for a few minutes, grab at my breasts, grab my private parts, move my hand to his penis, make him feel good, penetration and done. I can’t tell you how many times I cried during sex. And he knew I was crying but never cared to ask why. Eventually I got the courage to tell him that I didn’t like how things were going (I think I was kind and gentle when I said it — I hope so) and he did improve. I had to teach him like a dog. Only a selfish person needs to be taught how not to be selfish. Things got better and then great. And now I realize it too was all a sham. He was never making love to me. He was having sex with me. And all the shit work I did for his family. Yeah, I was a chump and they used me like my ex did. How do I know this? Because they threw me away like trash when I spoke up for myself to my ex-monster-in-law. I could go on and on about how worked harder to try to be a better person, do something different, improve myself, twist myself, but it was never ever enough! Like I said. I’m not perfect. I see women who are long-time happily married and they talk shit about their husbands, lots of times in front of their face and don’t treat their husbands half as well as I did, but they are still married. I don’t get it. I will never get it. CL told me to fix my picker and figure out why I settled for a fuckwit. I’m working on that. Now pass me a piece of cake!

        • Martha,
          This has long puzzled me as well. I don’t know how to analyze this, but I see women who are..not cute, well groomed or anyway sexy (and I have a huge space of what this can mean, all shapes and sizes can be attractive) but the more important point is: they sort of snarly and hateful. They don’t clean or cook, they snap and order their husband around. They can’t find Peru on a map. They spend money like Imelda Marcos.
          And the husbands follow them around like lap dogs. They are afraid of them (it seems).

          I was not perfect with my X, but I was…always striving to be. The only thing I ever did wrong (ACCORDING TO HIM) was ask him not to bring illegal drugs around me and stop coming around me high. I also asked him to stop talking with tramps and whores who did these drugs.

          This is all we ever argued about. *And it was the two things he was committed to as a cat is to sleeping.*

          Please don’t let game playing be the only way to be in a relationship. I don’t have the energy. If I like you, I like you. I am not playing hard to get at 40. I can’t pretend.

          I will just be lonely. 🙁

          • Sylvia–you will never be lonely. Your warmth emanates across the bandwith, as I’m sure it does in person. I cannot imagine you will want for people who want to share their time and love with you. (But a lesson to us all–avoiding loneliness does not mean dating, or necessarily finding that “special someone.” Loneliness is kept at bay by surrounding ourselves with people who are enthusiastic to be with us, romantically or otherwise.)

          • I agree with Tempest, Sylvia. You sound like a lovely person from what you write and what you were asking of your X is a reasonable want in a relationship. Hugs to you.

            • Thank you. I work from home…so unless someone parachutes through the roof, I am going to take the suggestions for Meet Ups. I am SO done with online dating. I can’t take it.

              • I’ve had the same thoughts Sylvia, when I see other couples who are in long term marriages and know the wife doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, complain about their husband,sometimes in front of them, they look like they don’t care about their appearance, some wear stained clothes and would be considered obese, have nice looking husbands, their husbands seem to adore their wives. Everyone has their own priorities I realize. I planned our meals, shopped and cooked for them, cleaned, paid bills, dressed appropriately, cleaned and tried my best to have a happy home and family. Not saying I was perfect but I tried my best.
                Makes me wonder if I would have been more appreciated if I hadn’t been so accommodating.

              • I’ve had the same thoughts Sylvia, when I see other couples who are in long term marriages and know the wife doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, complain about their husband,sometimes in front of them, they look like they don’t care about their appearance, some wear stained clothes and would be considered obese, have nice looking husbands, their husbands seem to adore their wives. Everyone has their own priorities I realize. I planned our meals, shopped and cooked for them, cleaned, paid bills, dressed appropriately, cleaned and tried my best to have a happy home and family. Not saying I was perfect but I tried my best.

              • My sister always remarks that she and I went to the wrong Princess school (evidently not the one where we were trained to only accept men who worshiped us).

              • Same here Sylvia, I was a devoted partner, not perfect but totally dedicated and loyal, sexy, competent, intelligent and hard working. I know I am attractive, I got a lot of attention and interest from other men although I didn’t want it. I treated the traitor like a king in his lazyboy throne. And I was just as good in my previous relationships. I’ve always been struck by those snarly bitches that get men to run around after them like servants. I studied them and thought I should try to do that but I just don’t know how to. I can’t make myself do that. Damn, I am 52 and still don’t know what men want!! The traitor has won, he’s killed my sexuality, it’s gone, the thought of someone touching me makes me sick. I just want to be with my pets and my livestock. I know I must be wrong but my faith in humanity is dead. Yet I read you guys here, so I must be wrong!

              • Sylvia, I have a friend who ended up falling in love with the contractor who was doing renovations on her house. So maybe someone could end up almost parachuting through the roof someday, you never know. 🙂 But Meet Up sounds like a great way to meet new people (new friends and possibly dating prospects too) in a low-key friendly environment doing interesting activities.

          • Women who are narcissistic and who have chosen co-dependent men as mates are often the ones you see who make little to no effort in relationships with men who are devoted to them.

            Also, two emotionally healthy people can negotiate their way in a relationship where one may not be a good cook or a fashion plate. As long as the couple is respectful, honest and loving with each other, what does it matter if one dresses in sweats or if one is not a great cook?

            Sometimes when I am out, I will see a couple seemingly devoted to one another and I will think, “Well, I look just as good if not better than her but she has a devoted man and I don’t.” Then I remember that XH is probably a narcissist psychopath and that the man in the couple probably isn’t.

            • Makes me feel like I was the narc at the beginning because he was devoted to me. And then I became the codependent and he turned narc and left me in the end. I just feel horrible over all and I fear I broke a good and loving man and turned him into a monster. Because we used to be so happy and now he’s just angry and bitter from my perceived rejections of him.

        • I was one of the imperfect wives. We didn’t have enough sex, I know we didn’t. He wanted me to want him and I did, but he was emotionally not connected so much of the time it’s hard to get horny for someone that isn’t even there! And now here we are. He cheated and I still loved him. But apparently I was in this relationship all by myself for who knows how long because he DIDN’T speak up! And now I have ten years of regrets for everything that could have been but wasn’t because he didn’t say enough and neither did I

  • My moment of rebellion came when he yelled and screamed at me calling me names in front of OW. The icing was when I started crying and he gave me the finger. I looked at him and said, “I am done with you.” and I looked at her and said, “And I am done with you.” The next morning he started yelling at me about my behavior to OW and my response was, “I cannot live like this, you need to choose between your girlfriend or your family.” He moved out to her house the next day. Still makes me mad thinking about it, especially since he is screwing around with out teenage boys minds and emotions.

    • He’s fucking another woman. She’s fucking a married man. You tell them you’re done with them both and somehow YOU are the one with behavior issues? Right. Reality check, lane one please!

    • That’s awful, what a horrible man to treat you like this, to treat anyone like this!

  • When I discovered the other woman and told him to stop pursuing her, he leaned back arrogantly in the desk chair he was in and said “not at the present time”.
    That moment the earth fell away from under my feet, I unchumped myself. The world as I knew it forever changed.
    Saw a lawyer within two days and filed much to his raging soliloquy.

    • “That moment the earth fell away from under my feet…” What a perfect way to describe that moment when you finally see the monster behind the mask.

    • “That moment the earth fell away from under my feet, I unchumped myself. The world as I knew it forever changed.

      Exactly. For me it was when I realized he wasn’t lying to me because he was ashamed/embarrassed/other stuff I projected on him, but because HE WANTED TO. He wanted to be doing the things he was doing (I didn’t know the half of it). It was all by choice. Turns out he didn’t have my back, like I always thought he did. I had trusted him without a second thought (hell, without a first one) for 11 years. In that moment, when he was lying to me, smiling the whole time, everything changed. I realized he wasn’t my best friend, he was my worst enemy. And I had had NO CLUE.

      • After a year of gaslighting since DDay I had a VAR and got a conversation between the traitor and the whore while I was in town picking up their son. They were plotting how they were going to turn him against our life here on the farm, how she thought I might gift the farm to the little boy, because they know how much I love him, how the traitor wanted to move on, where he was going to fuck her next and how, AND I also heard him lie to HER about steps he was supposed to be taking to advance the separation, meeting with accountant, bank manager etc which actually hadn’t taken place and never did happen in the end. My secret rebellion is that I will NEVER tell that gold digger whore that he is lying to her while he is telling her how much he wants her and apparently making plans and plotting their future taking advantage of me. Some couple they make. Poor child has them for parents and there is nothing I can do about it.

  • I was a chummpy chump initially. What I did was collect evidence post d-day during the 9 weeks he stayed in the house.

    What I did was hold onto that evidence until he had the hide to go to lawyers asking for money from me to pay for my share of a loan (I had asked for the password to the loan so I could see I wasn’t paying for anything extra, he never gave it to me & then lawyered up).

    I passed all the evidence onto my lawyers, proof that he had spent thousands of dollars on dating sites, proof that he had used Moneygram to send money to overseas scam artists. I am now going for my share of his superannuation – he doesn’t know that yet. I have decided that every time he costs me money, I will go for more of what I am entitled to. I was willing to just walk away. Arrogance & entitlement are their downfall.

  • Like many of us I had plenty of red flags telling me it was a lost cause but I knew the OM was pure evil and I warned her so the day she left. She knew going into it that her 20yr senior OB/GYN had a history of domestic violence and other vile behaviour. Less than a year after she left he beat her up. And the first person she turned to was me (not her Switzerland family/ friends). She was finally remorsful and seeking reconciliation for three months then suddenly went silent. I finally learnt she had “fallen back in love” with the NPD Dr Stranglove. It was then that I truly realised that her story was sadly like many of the other women on this blog and that the path she was on was nothing my love could save her from. No matter how much you love someone, it’s almost impossible to save them from drowning when they choose to swim far out into the sea of their error.

    • So true. Allfornothing, your moniker really makes sense. Their actions do not.

    • Dear god, I hope you’ve reported him to the medical board if he was her OB/GYN. That is a major breach of ethics.

      Also, you’re so right that our love can’t save them from themselves or anyone else. It’s a sad thing. But our love can save ourselves.

    • “She knew going into it that her 20yr senior OB/GYN”

      One sad fact here is that most likely she thought she wa really cool snagging “an older man” and beating out a “woman older than she” for him.

      Well, if youth were really all that, why are these younger women wasting their time with unavailable men. And in this case, a physically abusive one.

  • My ex moved out about 12 days after D-Day because living with me while I knew he had a mistress was “too uncomfortable.” I didn’t want him to leave but I just told him “fine, whatever.” He told me before he left that he hadn’t made up his mind and was going to use the time apart to really think about things and decide what he wanted in life. Oh gee, thanks.

    But, I was hoping for him to come back and I wanted to reconcile so I believed him.

    He came over a few days later to play with our daughter and after she went to bed I tried to share a part of a book I was reading with him about how to rebuild trust after infidelity. He stared past me, not even acknowledging me with more than a grunt. He left as soon as he could.

    The next day I called our cell phone provider and asked to check to see if he hadcalled OWs phone number recently. He had called her immediately after leaving our home the night before and talked to her for an hour. He couldn’t talk 2 words to me, but his reaction was not to try to reconcile with me, not to open up communication with me, but instead to run to her to get his ego stroked.

    I was done. I hired the lawyer that day and told her to start the process.

    The next time he was supposed to come spend time with our daughter he didn’t show up. So I throw all his stuff on the side porch and told him he wasn’t welcome back.

    • StrawberryJellyfish, you rock! Ah, if only… toss his shit out……..should have done it the night I caught Jeffrey Dahmer ex-ho-worker coffee slut. Shit. I need to find a new more fitting name for her, too. ha! You are mighty!

    • But doesn’t it stop you in your tracks: It was uncomfortable for HIM. It truly shows you how hopeless these type of cheaters are. Not worried about YOU, Strawberry.

      If we just extend that a little further: Yes, I shot you. But the blood from your gaping chest wound is making me woozy. Could you PLEASE control the bleeding so *I* am comfortable?

  • We had filed for divorce and despite three FOO and his skank’s house, he refused to leave our home.
    One afternoon while he was in the garage, his phone left on the refrigerator wouldn’t stop ringing. I took it, answered it and Skanky promptly hung up. I then tossed it to STBX and told him, “Your bimbo keeps calling.”

    I thought he was going to explode with rage. He replied, “What. Did. You. Just. Say?” I said, “Bimbo. Or would you prefer piece-of-shit-work-whore?”

    He came after me and I stood my ground. “Go ahead. I’m sure she’ll bail you out of jail.”

    He stopped in his tracks, turned around and said, “You’re not the boss of me.” Like he was five.

    • ChutesandLadders, seriously? As in, verbatim, that which CL reports as one thing that characterizes cheaters?

      What, had he been reading this blog, and he wanted to seize his moron moment?

      I SEE this “you’re not the boss of me” all the time, but I have never heard an adult say that. Your lines were awesome, by the way.

      Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, along comes another pathetic, boring caricature of a real person. They’re too stupid to know they’re a cliché … whom I would be thrilled to ignore except they’re not too stupid to destroy lives.

      Speaking of destruction, ChumpChanged, “TOWANDA” took me a sec, but spot on and funny as hell!

  • The Slug spent weeks dilly dallying between D-Day and moving out insisting he couldn’t possibly find a place without a large loan from his father. He’s 48. But now that the Kraken was released he felt fine disappearing for hours and texting the Sluterus in front of me.

    It was my home and I couldn’t sleep in it. The shock and cruelty was too much. I went to nap at my sister’s the Sunday 3 days after D Day and my BIL said he and my adult nephews were willing to go physically remove him from my house. I said no, not wanting the Popo involved but I accepted the stack of sturdy moving boxes. I accepted there would be no unicorn.

    I came home, dropped the boxes at his feet and said, ‘Start getting the fuck out of my house.’ And went to lie down.

    I should have let the MMA trained nephews confront him. I wish I was that strong.

    • “”I came home, dropped the boxes at his feet and said, ‘Start getting the fuck out of my house.’ And went to lie down.””

      Nice! When I finally told my ex whore to get out I went onto the deck and must’ve smoked 10 cigarettes while she packed. It was a surreal feeling after 24 years..the grief hit me later but 2+ years laters I’m so much better off …yes I bet the MMA removal was very tempting ..!

      • Yes! Not just the look on his face but the idea that a large group of people were judging his sweet Schmoopie Love. He’s a lazy slug, so he would have agreed. But instead of Ultimate Fighting it would have been the Ultimate Narcissistic Injury.

        I wish I had been more self preserving. But 17 days of limbo is better than 17 years more of that.

        Two years on for me as well. Meh on this, not so meh on some other things. It’s a process.

        • Luz, glad to see your sweet and witty self back with CN. I agree, it is a process. xoxo

        • My husband used to think I played at. Tae Kwon Do. I just went and socialized and danced around acting tough. In a fit of RAGE when dealing with him one night, I told him to leave that it wasn’t safe for him to be near me. He said he wouldn’t leave because then I couldn’t see how much he’d changed and was over being an asshole. I then kicked him in the chest ( bruised 3 ribs) and when he fell forward, I right hooked him, split his lip and cracked his tooth. I was seated the whole time. He was gone the next day.

          • Well, you just became my hero! I love that!

            My X made me feel violent, too. Seeing evidence of other women calling/texting and him saying, with patronizing patience, as if I was slow,

            “You are crazy.”

            AND…he would say that to women who called him….”Oh, she’s just crazy.” when I would say, calmly…Why is she calling you IN MY HOUSE? Why are playing Ann Landers to this bust stop tramp? Why?

            Red rage clouding my mind…RED RUM! RED RUM!

            • Lol, Sylvia, about Red Rum!! My niece actually sent me a coffee mug with that on it when she visited the hotel in CO that they book/movie was based on. I was never a violent person either. But what he did to me threw me into a raging woman! Yeah, a woman gets angry and maybe violent when she finally realizes someone she loved with all her heart is a horrible person who has been using her for years and years. And then the betrayal. Yeah, getting really angry is normal and not crazy behavior.

            • Well, you did warn him that it wasn’t safe to be near you, but he just wouldn’t listen. And then you had no choice but to clock him…

            • You’re good, HurtnHeart24. No one here encourages violence; we might cheer it on when it befalls cheaters though.

          • I am so impressed! How satisfying. I would love to do something like that – just one painful, emasculating kick in the head. Good on you – powerful woman!

            • And, a good swift kick while sitting in a chair.
              I’m gobsmacked. Would love to learn that move.
              I know a producer of movies that may want to cast you.
              You rock, man!

              • Actually I was sitting cross-legged toward the edge of the bed, he was standing in front of me…… He just wouldn’t stop poking this bear ( figuratively). ” This marriage isn’t over until I say it’s over!”… ” You are my wife you need to trust me!” Blah, blah, blah

              • I wish I knew that move when he came out my dark office in my dark locked house where he was hiding. I could have just said I was defending myself against an unknown intruder…the coward…

  • The final DDay was in 2014 when he was cycling through girlfriends and found his ‘Dream Girl” #18 and 19. I threw him out. He was coming to the house to get rid of his things I put outside. He had sores on his face and within weeks he was getting tested for HIV. That was it. I went for testing and had treatment. Luckily it was treatable yet due to multiple sex partners. That was my point of NO return and I filed.

    He continues with multiple whores while living with his whore who hasn’t a clue even though I told her about the cycles.

    I knew he never loved anyone.

  • We were 5 months into wreckonciliation and he texted me one day at work “come home and suck my cock”. I just lost my shit and crossed over into a whole new universe of hate and disgust. Took one month to line up ducks, then told him to GTFO.

    • In what universe, which plane of delusion, where??? — would anyone ever think this line was sexy, or that it would make someone want to come home and do this? I will never understand this kind of statement, or “sexting” or sending naked pictures on a phone or posting them on the internet. Most of the pic’s I have inadvertently seen were FAR from sexy. How much cellulite, or how many rolls of fat, tattoos, or multiple piercings does it take for folks to remember why underwear is a good thing and clothes can cover up a multitude of sins????

  • I was a really slow learner. Learned about serious lying 10 years into the marriage. Stayed. Learned about what appeared to be an emotional affair 20 years into the marriage. Stayed. Learned about a new emotional affair that was probably physical 28 years into the marriage. Spent 2 years in limbo because it had been 28 years of marriage. Finally told him I wanted a divorce but we could be civil and not actually do it for 19 months when he retired. About 3 weeks later on a Sunday afternoon, I saw an email that revealed he had been having a 30 year gay affair … kicked him out less than 24 hours later. He and every last shoe lace he owned was completely removed from the house within 4 days. Settlement shoved down his throat one week later. That pent up anger really gets things done when it’s unleashed!

    • Just when I think I’m the only one on the planet who has lived the “married to a bi guy” who cheats with both men and women because I “just don’t understand” that aspect of his sexuality…I read a post like yours and realize this disfunction is rampant in our society. First porn, adult night clubs, then dating sites, then prostitutes, then emotional relationships, then a new OW who “gets me like no one else on earth.” And we wives of 20-30 years are just trying to preserve what little assets are left, after so much money has been spent on “entertainment” and cover ups.

      • Wow, you described the exact same progression Cheese Fries went through: “First porn, adult night clubs, then dating sites, then prostitutes, then emotional relationships, then a new OW who “gets me like no one else on earth.””

        He’s not gay or bi that I know of but the escalating behavior is the same.

    • Oh, Dixie Chump! My God! Us women who didn’t have gay husbands can see the progression. We did the same things you did. Stayed even after we saw the signs. But to find out your husband was gay. So sorry. Nothing against gay people. I get it, but I don’t get it. I’m not judging at all. It’s just a person living a lie for that long. And using another person to support that lie. It’s just so sad. I was curious to see if my ex was on Craigslist as so many people on here mentioned there exes were. My ex was the first to talk about Craigslist to find things to buy, so I wondered how he found out about it after all you mentioned it. I cannot believe how many so-called straight married men post pictures of their private parts for a hook-up with other men. It was shocking. These men, married to women, but looking for sex with other men. The whole thing is just so sad. I’m sorry this all happened to you, Dixie Chump.

      • Martha -‘These men, married to women, but looking for sex with other men.’

        I am stunned how many people have ‘come out’ on this site, knowing in their gut they were married to a gay man and admit they were ‘Beards’. I raise my hand and I have no proof, but I’m sure the OW was his next beard. We’ve talked about this here before – but maybe time for a discussion on – ‘What makes you think your spouse is gay’.

        I had many many signs. First, he never wanted sex from day one – that’s the biggest red flag of all, and I can give many other symptoms.
        When I looked at a Gay Website about ‘wives being married to gay husbands’, (and this was my very first search!) it said, ‘If you’re on this site, your husband is probably gay.’

        I have no proof of course, but a wife just knows things. And, it does help with the rejection thing but just a little. It’s a HORRIBLE thing to do to a heterosexual person – hiding who you really are. For over 3 decades.

        • Shechump, I don’t have proof but there were many incidents that made me question
          X’s sexual orientation.
          Some of the things he did that made me stop and wonder are that he noticed other Gay men, his defensiveness, the convincing Gay impersonation, certain body language,are just a few generalized behaviors. X became less homophobic when his brother came out and announced he was Gay.
          Before X left I Googled to find out information on “Is my husband gay.” I read the same thing “if you’re on this site your husband is probably Gay.”
          I wouldn’t be surprised to find out he was.

        • Shechump, wow. 30 years. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. When we first got married, my ex turned into a different person. He never wanted sex or initiated it. I’d wear all these Victoria Secret nighties to bed and he’d just go to sleep. I remember being so sad. I eventually stopped wearing them and put on pj’s that were comfortable. I wondered, too, if he was gay or if he was already having an affair. It just didn’t make sense being newly married. But he’s had tons and tons of emotional affairs with women, got 100% naked lap dances from women, views porn, flirts with women, etc. I don’t think he’s gay, but I did wonder at one time if he was.

  • First Un Chump moment: STBX had told me about his “soul mate,” swore he broken it off, had been going to counseling with me. He was mowing the lawn and I was going to bring him a Gatorade. His phone was on the counter, I typed “Jennifer” into the search function and up popped all the emails from their secret accounts. I was stunned and sat on the floor. Don’t know for how long, but at some point I heard him bring the mower into the garage. I opened the door, held up his phone and said “you lying fuck,” and proceeded to pull the Gatorade bottles from the plastic sea-life killing thing and throw them at him, one at a time, hitting him every time. Then I got a ceramic piece he had given me and threw that on the ground at his feet, followed by the very nice Pilsner glasses I had recently bought for him. And I told him to leave.
    I am not a violent person. I have never broken anything on purpose. But I accept that it is what happened at the time. (Kids did not see or hear.) I found glass shards in my garage for two years.
    I wish I could say that was the end of my chumpdom, but I am still working towards freedom.

    • I’m not a violent person either, but for some reason betrayal and lying makes us need to throw and break things. I threw our wedding album at my exes back and I don’t regret it one bit. He deserved it and much, much more.

      • I saw a wedding cake knife at Goodwill today. And I wondered, has anybody ever stabbed their cheating spouse with one of those…? Seems fitting.
        (I love that I can show how twisted my sense of humor has become on here.?)

        • I agree, Louisvilleflower, about how we can say what’s on our mind here and not be judged or think we are violent, crazy or twisted.

            • The punishment for treason is terrible in that the traitor is hanged by the neck, then cut down alive, that his entrails are then taken out, and burned, while he is yet alive,” and “that his head is cut off, and that his body is then divided into four parts” Found in Google search on treason. Treason has always been regarded as the worst crime. We are pack animals, relying on our pack is a matter of life and death. Treason endangers the pack’s survival and deserves the harshest punishment. That’s why we have all these violent fantasies and even enjoy reading about the odd beating meted out by a chump. Not allowed but instinct tells us it’s right!

    • Plastic sea life killing thing!? Your description. Funny! Bless you. Yea. Crime of passion.

    • And this made me laugh right away, too: “plastic sea-life killing thing.” I love CN people. So many people are just so damn witty. Every day I come here I laugh and then I go ugh…. poor chump….it’ll get better,

  • My moment of rebellion is still talked about by my friends. After the reconciliation attempt and 2nd move out. The 2nd move out he didn’t DIRECTLY move in with her again, just her brother. Our youngest son was in a LDR and the gal was supposed to come and visit. She cancelled at the last minute and it sent my son into a tailspin. Now Prince Charming has now idea that our son’s heart is broken. He comes over to get his car and asks when he can meet this chick. Son explains what happened and Prince Charming says ‘oh’. Now this was all taking place leading up to Valentines Day.

    Something made me drive by Cinderella’s apartment and low and behold Prince Charming’s truck was there. I snapped. I drove home loaded my car and my oldest son’s car full of the totes that he had left behind on his second flight and went back. Now there were breakables in these totes along with framed photos of his parents. I unloaded the tote that had the breakables in it, walked up to the door and threw it down. The tote also banged into the door. And proceeded to unload both cars with my son’s help in a similar manner. Eldest son asked why we were leaving things at this apartment and I said ‘because your dad is here right now, and pointed at the truck, with his fucking girlfriend while your brother is hurting. And as far as I am concerned they both can go to hell”. Knocked on the door yelled “Special fucking delivery” and left.

    The next day I get an email from him asking me not to leave his belongings at her home. If I wanted him to pick something up he would come by and get it. He was only hanging out with her because her brother had a date and wanted some privacy. Yeah right fucker and I was born yesterday.

    Fast forward a couple of days and I am now sitting in a local stress treatment center with my youngest because he is suicidal again. Prince Charming wants to know what is going on and should he come? I told him no he had done enough damage by hanging out with Cinderella rather than attend to his son’s broken heart.

    Went no/low contact. After he called his lawyer to restart the divorce proceedings all communications went through our lawyers. Even to the point of scheduling multiple times for him to come and get his shit from the house.

    • I’m sorry, lldodd60. I hope your son is feeling stronger now? These cheaters betray their children, too.

      • Tempest, I have noticed you always have your eye on the children’s welfare. I like that.

  • Oh, I like this one:

    My wife’s family was planning a visit. We lived across the country from them. I knew something was wrong and had had numerous conversations with my wife about her allegedly-emotional-only affair with her OM.

    So, I told her that I would not spend time with her family. While they visited, I’d be at a friend’s house 40 miles away. I told her she didn’t get to parade me around as the adoring husband while she was refusing to stop texting another man.

    BOY, was she pissed about that!

    And for me, it actually opened the floodgates for rebellion. While her family was visiting, they took an overnight trip to a tourist destination a few hours away. While they were gone, I actually went home, packed up my things, took all of the photos of MY family out of their frames, amd left a Dear Joan letter for her and her family to read upon their arrival back at our home.

    DO IT!

    You don’t have to be ready to make such a statement (my own statement lasted a month, before I moved back in briefly for “one last try” and then left her for good). But you MUST stick up for yourself. Your cheater doesn’t get to control the narrative of YOU. They are your decisions and you can stand by them as RIGHT FOR YOU, regardless of whether other people think they are the right decisions overall.

      • I love this, Free Vixen.

        There is a Björk song called, “I Miss You.” It goes: “I miss you, but I haven’t met you yet.” I love that sentiment. There are people out there right now too who are thriving despite lives of fear and pain, and we are going to meet them and share moments of happiness and love. It gives me strength to know that others are being mighty and it is a source of inspiration to me too.

  • On DDay #2 he started to tell me again as he did after DDay #1, that he was “increasingly unhappy in the marriage.” Since I had spent the last four years doing what he asked me to do to make sure he stayed “increasingly happy” in the marriage, like dropping what I was doing and greeting him at the door when he came home from work with my tail wagging like a damn dog, I wasn’t buying that line of bullshit that time around. I stuck my hand up in the classic “STOP” position and told him I wasn’t going to listen to that ever again. It still took me a couple of years to get all the way out but that was the first step in my eventual liberation. And that’s exactly what it was. Liberation.

    • It still astounds me how worried I was about his “happiness” without ever giving a thought to my own. I, too, twisted myself into a pretzel to make sure his so-called needs were met. And for what? To learn that he was still in contact with her because of their trauma bonding (Don’t even get me started on that one)! They lie, they cheat, they make excuses, all while we are furiously trying to keep our marriages together. Our love is used against us.

      There were so many days leading up to my final decision that I truly cannot pinpoint the exact moment that I knew I was done. It is all a blur to me now. But I do remember when she showed up at a very public event because she just “happened” to be at that precise location when we arrived. I couldn’t do anything publicly, but when we were alone it was a different story. That was the last straw for me and the beginning of the end.

      • Me too about his happiness? Did Jeffrey Dahmer ever say to himself, “What will make my wife and kids happy?” Probably not once as his life is all about himself and what’s best for him. It’s nice to do stuff that makes me happy now. Even if that stuff I’m doing is spending an hour reading CL and CN. 🙂

        • @Martha: “Did Jeffrey Dahmer ever say to himself, “What will make my wife and kids happy?” ”

          hahahahahahaha!! Even the suggestion that these entitled jackasses might consider someone else now send me into peals of laughter.

          • Tempest, they don’t as you know, but at least now we know. And you do know how much I love calling him Jeffrey Dahmer. I still need to program that into my contact info for him. haha. I just realized tonight that I need to work on a name for his slut. Slut is just not good enough. I can do better. I’ve been calling her coffee slut tonight. My ex and her met out for their secret before coffee dates at Tim Horton’s which is a big coffee place in my area. Hmmmm. I need to think. Something for a coffee and wine drinking slut. Something for someone with no morals. Someone who has moved from job to job, because she’s a bitch and hard to get along with. I have so much to work with! Gosh, this is fun. I’m so happy I asked you about Hannibal.

            • Martha -‘My ex and her met out for their secret before coffee dates at Tim Horton’s which is a big coffee place in my area.’
              For others that don’t know – it’s bigger than Starbucks!

              How about Horton’s got a Hore. Or, Just Horton. That’s bad enough.
              She can be the Donut.

            • Whinny (as in horse-face) Yellow Tail (as in ‘piss poor piece of’) Whoreton.

              Shorter form, Whinny Y Tail Whoreton.

              Neigh! Maybe just Horse’s Ass.

        • My ex actually admitted, in a moment of honesty when trying to convince me to take him back, that he knew I had done tons of things to try to help him and the kids be happier, but it had never crossed his mind to do the same, for either me or our kids. We were together 14 years, he clearly considered himself entitled to such efforts from me, but not once did that possibility occur to him. Sicko.

          • That was the REAL him. It is fascinating, but in a horrid way, like an autopsy.

            Just like my X saying to me:

            I just don’t know if I am capable of the kind of love you had for me.

        • Martha, I laughed when I read:
          “Did Jeffrey Dammer think about his wife and kids and what would make them happy..,”

          Doing anything and wondering if it would make wife or family happy never entered my Jeffrey Dahmer’s mind.

    • I did the same thing. I spent 2 years going out of my way to make him feel loved and changed things the kids and I did in order to make sure he felt needed and included. I extended him the gift of grace and mercy after his first infidelity to only have him cheat on me again. When he started giving me the same lines as he had 2 years earlier, I finally realized his “unhappiness” had nothing to do with me. I deserved better and would rather take the risk of being single for the rest of my life than continue to be treated that way.

      Once I cut things off, he stopped trying to wear a mask with me. Who he really is has not been pretty. On the plus side, seeing how truly disordered he is makes moving on a little easier. That and all the discoveries of lies and betrayals he hid from me for years…that helps me stay in the “point of no return”.

      • “I finally realized his “unhappiness” had nothing to do with me. I deserved better and would rather take the risk of being single for the rest of my life than continue to be treated that way.”

        and this: ” he stopped trying to wear a mask with me. Who he really is has not been pretty. On the plus side, seeing how truly disordered he is makes moving on a little easier. That and all the discoveries of lies and betrayals he hid from me for years.”

        My ex left me, but I agree with the above, too. His happiness has nothing to do with me. He’ll never be happy, because he’ll always be looking for fresh supply to fill his empty heart and life. Good riddance.

        • My STBX walked out on me when I was 6 months pregnant. Then he tried to come back but I had conditions. You see he had left for a month 2 years earlier after dday1. He continued to play mind games with me for 4 months. I was still holding onto hope that he would choose the kids and me, but I refused to back down on my conditions. I told him he had to see a doctor, get individual counseling, and change his lifestyle (drinking and gambling). 4 months later when my daughter was 1 month old is when I found out about his 23 years old girlfriend (he is 45). That was the beginning of my finally letting go and began to grieve the death of our marriage. I got his house key and garage door opener, put all his clothes and other personal items in the garage, and I stopped making anything easy for him. I am civil and accommodating for him to see the kids but that is it.

          • Once again, what’s up with these so-called men who cheat on their pregnant wives?! My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child. Heck. Knowing who is he now, he probably was cheating in some capacity our entire marriage. You are mighty how you handled him, GetMeFree. I did the Pick Me Dance for another 15 years and I regret it. My ex didn’t want anything to do with me or our two kids for the longest time. I could have been set free years ago and could have easily moved back to my home state, because he just so wanted to be a swinging bachelor at that time and he was living the life of one for a few years. What a colossal waste of my time that “man” has been.

            • Martha – just focus on making the rest of your life fabulous. We can never get those years back. I, too, believe that my STBX was unfaithful more than I know and for much longer. I did the pick me dance for 2 years and I do regret that. I now have a third child who is a result of that wreckonciliation that will have to deal with this messed up situation. But…she is amazing and beautiful. There have been many times over the last 6 months that I thank God for her. She makes my other two kids and I smile and laugh every day.

              • Thanks, GetMeFree. Yeah, I’m working on getting a great life. It’s taking time, but I’m finally not depressed anymore, which I’m so thankful for. That’s wonderful you have another child who is a blessing to you and your other two kids. My kids are the best thing that has ever happen to my life. I’m thankful they are with me most of the time. I get to see them almost every night, and my ex is missing out on that because a selfish prick. However, looking back, he missed out on a lot of their lives, because of his job and his own selfish needs. Even when he was home, he was disengaged, so he never really cared to be with them and he missed out on a lot even though he was home. His loss, but I’m sure he doesn’t see it that way. He’s managed to paint our marriage as “unhappy” the last ten years, which they weren’t. He’s rewritten history and from what I understand about narcs, they believe their own lives, so he believes the history he has written. Oh, well. Take care, GetMeFree 🙂

    • Although I did a majority of every damn thing around the house, as well as work 50-60 hours per week and spend the last few years getting my BA degree, I will admit that I did not cater to his needs. This left me feeling like maybe that was why he had an affair. I don’t feel that way any longer. I have never been very good at cooking, I can’t sew, I’m not an arts & craft kind of person. And I couldn’t figure out that in a marriage where both people had the children and both people have full time jobs, why is one of them carrying most of the load for bill paying and day-to-day home maintenance. I still picked up his favorite cheese doodles or whatever from the store. I got him really good gifts. I was upbeat, friendly, sexy, loving….well shit, never mind. I did fucking pander to his needs. Shit. That pisses me off.

  • I hope frequent readers will indulge me here — most of you have heard this story, but it makes me feel great the more I tell it.

    This is excerpted from the ‘full history’ document I prepared in anticipation of court proceedings — written in the third person, to focus as much on the actual facts as possible and removing any emotion, thought I can assure there was plenty:

    UXworld] had accumulated and documented enough evidence of deceit and behavior destructive to the marriage that he planned on confronting [KK] during the morning of Wednesday January 27. His intent was to convince her to stay home from work, wait until their daughters had left for school, and spend the day hashing out the situation and coming to some agreement on what the next steps should be, in advance of a planned marriage counseling session scheduled for later that day.

    A text thread early on the morning of Tuesday January 26 shows [KK] and [Carrot Singer] arranging to meet for sex at the marital home later that morning.

    [UXworld] decided to stay home and confront her the same day, rather than wait until the next day.

    After seeing in a later text exchange that [KK] would be leaving work and targeting approx. 10:30 am for an arrival home, [UXworld] left the house in his car and parked at a vantage point in the parking lot of the apartment complex (behind the marital home) where he could determine when she arrived.

    [KK] pulled into the driveway at 10:42am and entered the house. [UXworld] waited for approx. 45 minutes, alternately driving by [street] and monitoring from various other vantage points, to see if [Carrot Singer] would show up. At approx. 11:30am, [UXworld] decided not to wait any longer, parked his car in the driveway, and entered the marital home.

    After realizing that something was up, [KK] admitted that she was waiting for [Carrot Singer] to show up for sex. When asked why it was planned to take place in the family home, she replied, “because we have no place else to go.”

    [UXworld] took her tablet and phone and said that they should wait outside together for [Carrot Singer] to show up. They waited in the breezeway for a while before going back into the house. Inside, they argued for some time about information that [UXworld] now admitted he knew about.

    At some point, [UXworld] looked out the family room window and noticed a gray car drive by the home slowly, headed south on the street towards the dead end. He left the house and stood in the driveway to see who it was. This car turned around and parked. Very shortly thereafter, a white car turned on to [street] and drove slowly past the marital home. Based on pictures he had seen on Facebook, [UXworld] determined that the driver was [Carrot Singer].

    The white car drove to the end of the street, pulled into the driveway of a home on the same side of the street, and parked. [UXworld] stood at the end of their driveway near the street and motioned for the white car to come back down the street. [KK] joined him there, and [UXworld] motioned several more times for the white car to come back down the street. The white car did not move. Finally, [UXworld] told [KK] that “he isn’t going to move” and said they should walk up the street towards him instead.

    They walked up the street together until they reached midway, at which point the white car backed out of the driveway and slowly advanced toward them, coming to a stop in front of one of the homes. [Carrot Singer] opened the door and got out, staying at the open door.

    [UXworld] said that he felt he had a right to say something to [Carrot Singer] about the situation; [Carrot Singer] replied that no, [UXworld] did not have a right to say anything to him. A few more sentences to this effect were spoken, at which point the following exchange occurred:

    [Carrot Singer] (to [UXworld]): “Let me tell you, if I EVER find out that you put your hands on her again…”

    [UXworld] (to [Carrot Singer]): “Hold on there, before you start beating your chest too hard…” (to [KK]): “Tell him who gave you the black eye.”

    [KK] (to [UXworld]): “[J.R.].”

    [UXworld] (to [KK]): “Don’t tell me. Tell him.”

    [KK] (to [Carrot Singer]): “I got it from [J.R.].”

    [Carrot Singer] indicated that he did not know that, and visibly expressed some disbelief. [UXworld] told [Carrot Singer] to take his car back down to their driveway so they could continue whatever was left of the conversation there. [Carrot Singer] did so, and [UXworld] and [KK] followed on foot.

    At the driveway, [Carrot Singer] remarked that he didn’t have very much to say about what was transpiring. [UXworld] asked [Carrot Singer] about his wife and whether she knew what was going on; [Carrot Singer] affirmed that she did, and then closed by saying “there’s really not any more to say,” getting back into his car and driving away.

    [UXworld] and [KK] then went back inside and continued their argument about the situation until approx. 2:30pm, in anticipation of their elder daughter coming home from school.

    • I seriously don’t know how you stayed so outwardly calm. It has been a long time since I’ve been in a fight that was not work related, (mid 20’s) but I think if I saw OW at my house I would have lost my shit and physically beat the whore right out of her. I know it was for the best, that we didn’t or don’t react with aggression. I think it is only the physical shock we are in that prevents us from doing this.

    • UxWorld, keep telling that story. Reading everything on this site is taking me forever and I often don’t read in chronological order. Mostly, it’s a brilliant and concrete example of document, document, document (I assume you’ve also included other important details that involve finances, the legal system, children, etc). At the least, allude to this post and similar others now and then, with links?

      I’m still trying to figure out why KK went with you.

      In any event, WOW. Fierce!

    • UXWorld,

      I have followed with great interest your journey. Please do not ever stop telling your tales. It is so helpful for me, and I know there is someone out there reading who does not comment who is nodding his head in recognition of a skank-whore maneuver. KK is the worst. I get a buzzzz reading your story. I have no idea how you didn’t put your hands on that guy or KK. She seems so unstable. I can imagine you ordering her around; she must have been in shock. The worst of course is the end where y’all have to stop arguing because your child came home.

      You are going to be happy again soon, and I can tell every day you are happier now. And, I’ll bet if you want to date again you’ll get lucky there too. Please stay safe, man.

  • When she told me she no longer loved me and was going to leave me and our daughter but needed to stay to “save some money”..I pick me danced for 3 weeks but after another weekend where she left on Friday and came home Sunday I finally figured it out and told her to get out immediately (her mother lived close by).. It was painful but I knew that I couldn’t live like that anymore..

  • After years of being controlled (wear this, not that; drink your coffee like this, not that; stop talking to my co-workers at my work party, your job is to shut up and look pretty; wear shorter skirts and higher heels; get breast implants; let me cum on your face — I can’t “love” you if you don’t meet my needs, on and on and on) —

    I got all my beautiful long hair chopped off. From Lady Godiva to I Might Be a Lesbian hairstyles.

    Fuck. You. Very. Much.

    It was a huge and terrifying statement and the start of my unChumping. :))))

    • Oh Gawd, the long hair thing… I cut mine (shorter, not as bold as you) too in the aftermath of DDay#2. I love being able to have my hair be whatever length I want it to be. What a concept, eh?!

      • Yes, Beth. Imagine that — our value has NOTHING to do with the length of our hair.

        These disordered assholes have NO CLUE.

        • Oh, yes, the hair obsession. My hair got very damaged from going platinum blonde and starting breaking off and all he could talk about was how he wanted me to have my long hair back. It really made me see how superficial he was. It made me wonder what he would have done if I got ill and lost all my hair, he probably would have been gone so fast my head would spin. These sick, disordered fucks are so selfish in every way! 🙁

          • Yep. He wanted me to go back to having long hair. I cut it after it got grabbed one night at work and the guy held onto me and punched me in the head several times until I was able to get loose. I got a concussion. He was “disappointed” that I cut it. I also have blonde hair. He decided after 20 years of marriage that I should dye it red. I told him no. He kept bringing it up. Finally I looked at him and said that I would dye my hair red when his grew back on his bald head. Idiot.

            • Lmao!!!! Good one, Annie!!! How funny, mine was bald, too. And I sometimes wish I had said something like that!! They have some nerve to complain about us!!! Not to mention his huge, nasty beer gut….that I never complained about because I loved him and didn’t judge him and criticize him, but his narcissistic “love” for me was never real. I know that now.

              • I didn’t mind his bald head. It looked good on him. But he minded his bald head and that was all the ammunition I needed.

            • Another blonde here. I love red hair. Cheater ex hated it. Guess what color I dyed my hair after the kids and I left? It was my very own f u to him

            • Holy hell, never mind that you were injured and attacked and maybe felt safer having short hair. HE wanted you to have long hair, so never mind your feelings. ASSHOLE.

              • He showed concern early in my career when I would get injured. But not so much for the past 10 years. Just before DD#1 I came home and told him I was able to talk down this knife-wielding guy. His reply, “Okay.” The very first thing I did after DD#2 was change my beneficiary.

            • I like short hair on women. (I really don’t care mind you. It’s just a preference of mine.) Match Girl had very short light hair. The last bit of pain shopping I did she had posted a picture of herself and she had grown it long and dyed it dark.

            • What a beautiful comeback, Annie.

              What is it about hair and these Freaks?

              Mine said…”We” are taking your hair back natural.
              Note Gavin DeBecker training…the forced teaming of WE. My hair…but We.

              My hair is dark blonde, but I get it highlighted. I said, No, I am getting highlights. Nothing will change this. I will wear my hair how I like.


    • Mine was the opposite: CheaterX liked short hair, so I wore mine really short for many years. The second decision I made after finding out he was cheating with an old college friend (also married) was that I was going to grow my hair out. (The first decision was that I was going to divorce him.)

      2 1/2 years post divorce: I’m happier than I ever thought possible being single in my 50s. And I have beautiful long hair.

      • That’s awesome! I usually keep my hair long in the spring and summer and then cut it shorter in the cold months because it’s really thick and takes forever to dry when it’s long. Every damn year there was a huge pout fest when my hair was shorter than he liked. It’s so nice to do whatever the fuck I want with MY hair and not have to feel bad about it.

        Oh I did see a pic his stripper gf posted on FB a few months ago showing off her new short hair cut. That made me laugh. Apparently she didn’t get the long hair memo.

  • I feel like my story is quite boring. Someone sent me an anonymous email with pictures of Narkles the Clown and the Flying Whore together. He was out of town. It was about 10 at night and I called a friend who would be up. Fortunately she doesn’t know the concept of hopium, RIC or pick me dancing. Her first question was are you sure? The pictures are pretty damn convincing. Her second question was can I recommend a lawyer? I consulted a lawyer, waited for him to come home, took the day off of work and confronted him, without showing him the evidence. I gave him 24 hours to tell the truth. He didn’t. I called my attorney and asked how soon can I file?

    • Not boring! Awesome! Fierce!

      Remember, there are new and newish Chumps like I who often have NO IDEA what the hell we should be doing with these disordered wackadoos. It’s another universe. Or black hole.

      Plus, giving someone 24 hours to tell the truth and following up the silence with a call to attorney? Definitely a moment of Chump Rebellion. (I must still be really naive on the “in my home” psychos. As I was reading, I expected that he would spill. I was thinking to myself, even the disordered would understand that the game was up on the truth front, and if anything, would be more inclined to talk in order to manipulate the narrative, and then, you.)

    • That is not a boring story. It’s a mighty story. I wish I had been so mighty and there wouldn’t have been a DD#2.

  • First off, can I say I’m envious of your judge? My STBX threatened me multiple times, once even to the point that he wished I’d get in a car crash as I left the house, after a screaming fest to my face about what a terrible person I was. The judge? She was like: Meh, people say shit like this during divorces. He gets to stay.

    For me, the rebellion came after I had seen an initial lawyer. The lawyer, who said nothing of significance, just generic talk about how a divorce worked, suggested that I did not discuss the conversation with my STBX. And I relayed that last bit to my STBX. He went OFF THE HOOK. How DARE I not discuss this with him?!?! Omg, the punishment I received. I was so confused.

    Then, it dawned on me that I could no longer treat him like he was on my side, because, he had just proven that he wasn’t. So, on my birthday, I hired the best attorney, in my opinion, and that very same night went to my first divorce support meeting. 24 days out from D-Day.

    • Welcome, Springy. You’ve been around for sometime, right? I hope you are grey rock with him. (Grey rock is the best alternative if you have kids under 18. If not, it’s 100 percent no-contact.)

  • I find it interesting that mine came BEFORE the major D-Day. At one point he started to come home later and later from his therapist appointments, completely drunk. I realized he had some issues with binge behavior and impulse control, and that he must be burdened by something that he is not telling me, so I told him he needs to sort himself out. Somehow, without knowing anything about 12-step programs at the time, I stumbled upon a common mantra and told him: I did nothing to cause this, I have no way of controlling it, and only you can help fix yourself. A month later, when it turned out that his compulsivity extended beyond alcohol to sexual behavior, I was ready to detach, instantly. Asked for a divorce within 3 minutes of finding out he had been sleeping around for most of our two-decade relationship.

  • my true liberation started when I found Chunp Lady (thanks to TwinsDad). My now ex and I were separated, but the hovering was beginning and my mind was way too colonized to have have maintained any semblance of mighty.

    It was while reading “What keeps you Stuck” that the scales literally fell from my eyes.

    It saved my life.

    And I’m a squillion times more mighty now

  • I am such a chump. The end, when I found out about her lying about a hotel receipt. I went NC and started detaching. She had told me she wanted a separation and divorce 2 times each and I had spent almost a year dancing. One weekend she finally admitted to the affair. I immediately said I forgive you and then asked did she want a divorce still. She didn’t hesitate with “YES”. I then replied she needed to find a new place to stay. And I eventually told her to leave that day. By text. I was out driving around in a daze. Then a month later of me still dancing I notice the hotel charge on the credit card bill. I had filed for divorce at this point mainly for financial protection. I confronted her the next time I saw her. She said she had to get away from her parents for a little time. I believed it. Luckily, the day I saw it I requested the receipt from the credit card company. I forgot about it until one day I got a text from her admitting the hotel was for a “friend”. The credit card receipt came to me in the mail but she got to it before me. That was my breaking point. I then realized she was a liar and manipulator. I began to detach that day and went NC. Most importantly, I found Chumplady shortly thereafter and have been on the path to meh ever since.

    • I saw a hotel charge also on my ex whores bank statement..yet to this day she insists she never cheated. I wonder if she actually believes her own bullshit..even our daughter rolls her eyes at her crap

  • I got the I LYBINILWY speech one night as I was getting ready for work. He had been so horrible to me for many months before that. Then he said he had a girlfriend and that he was in love with her because she needed him. He then proceeded to tell me some of her problems, and ask me to think of some solutions. I think I was in shock at first because all I had running through my mind at that moment aswas “Say WHAT!” When he got to the she was his soul mate part, but how he wanted to go to MC to save our marriage, I started to get angry. For the first time, I saw his entitlement clearly, and realized that not only did he not love me, but I didn’t love him anymore either.

    I went to work that night and made a list for myself to start to get my ducks in a row, starting with finishing nursing school, getting my license, and getting my kids and I away from his sorry ass. (I was about six weeks away from graduation.)

    After that little conversation, I found him repulsive. I was done on every level….. could barely stand to be in the same room with him let alone sleep in the same bed. Me working nights, that separation was pretty easy to pull off. He didn’t like it, but….oh well. Eventually I moved into the basement because he wouldn’t move out of the bedroom.

    We went to one MC session but when the therapist wouldn’t address the problem of schmoopie, I refused to go back. The guy actually had the nerve to say “We are not talking about that right now.” Cheater ex then went around telling everybody that I was a quitter. Of course he neglected to mention schmoopie. In my head it was “Yeah, right, whatever Dude, just do your thing and leave me alone so I can do what is needed to get me and my boys as far away from your nasty ass as possible!”

    • So many marriage counselors suck. Went through two with STBX before he quit because they were “picking on him” too much. After I filed and STBX refused to move, we went to a counselor to help us reach a visitation agreement and set some boundaries. That guy I loved! He said straight out that he considers infidelity to be both emotional and sexual abuse and that it made perfect sense that I didn’t want to live with my abuser.
      No counseling could have saved my marriage, but I feel like I would have been empowered to end it a lot earlier if we had seen this guy first.

    • If I had some counselor tell me we are not discussing the affair partner I would just get up and walk out case closed what’s the point…
      Once there is an affair partner Ive learned it’s just better to get the fuck out.

  • Mine has two parts of breaking the bonds of being a chump.

    I had been suspicious for so long. He showed up at my house with armloads of gifts. I would have rather talked and spent time together.

    He passed out on my couch, after trying to stay awake while I was talking to him. His eyes rolling back in his head while I was speaking. He had clearly been partying for days.

    As I had worked, cleaned my house, took care of my pets, and the most debauchery I had gotten up to while he was away was substituting expresso for water in a cake mix.

    I covered him up with a blanket as he lay on the couch. But then I felt my feet going out to his car. The door was unlocked. I saw his cell phone, unlocked. And there it was. Lots of them. The last one right before got to my house.

    Ashley: Thanks a lot for not leaving me any cigarettes. I got a bad attitude. I fuck you so only you get to tell me what to do. I got this pussy here and it needs your dick.

    You know how the world goes rubbery (as it sort of is now and I feel nauseated remembering) but I felt my legs running back into my house. I jerked that blanket off him and starting beating the shit out of him. HARD PUNCHES. Slapping. Kicking. I was out of control.


    He never fought back. He went to my garage and pretended he needed to fiddle with his car. He did not want to leave. He just took every blow. I still remember how thin he felt and the heat coming off his beautiful skin.

    He said she was crazy, that it wasn’t what it seemed. He called her, left a voice message and said: You need to lose my number. Don’t ever call me again.
    He told me this woman was a meth head, and he would not care if a group of men ran a train on her.
    That she was lying and she was crazy and a liar.

    I watched all this, suddenly strangely detached, and I realized how low this man had taken me, and how I felt like I was having a heart attack. I felt like death. I have never had a speeding ticket and he was bringing all these seedy creeps into my orbit.

    The saddest, most miserable calm came over me, like a wash cloth over my brain. I went up to him, that face I loved, adored and I put my hands on his shoulders, very gently. I said: You have to leave. I cannot do this. This cannot be my life. I have been too loyal and good to you.

    It took him a while longer. He just kept fiddling. I went back in the house. I heard his car start and I ran out on the porch. I waved good bye to him frantically. I know that sounds off, but I was not playing games. I was truly saying good bye to the greatest love/obsession of my life.

    He backed up on the road and shouted: But this is not goodbye forever? Is it babe? Is it not good bye forever? And I said nothing, the tears rolling and I went back inside MY house. I am not sure what I did then. I think shock has erased it.

    He later, as a last ditch effort, maybe 2 weeks later, came to my mother’s house. I found the email the other day.

    “I still love you. I am coming there.”

    My mother, as supportive as rotten cardboard and as kind as a wolverine, said…get him out of my driveway. He could not get past her locked gate.

    I went out and he reached through the gate (after handing me a large pack of dog treats) and grabbed my hand.

    He said, “Let’s stand here all night.” It was about 5pm.

    I said, sobbing: You cheated. (Still hoping it was not true).

    He said, Yes, I did get a couple of blow jobs. But that is all! (Ridiculous).

    I felt the world shift again, and I said, You did? (Because he, of course, had said the texts were the ramblings of a crazy woman). And I did not want to believe.

    He said, Yeah, I did.

    I jerked my hand away and walked down the long driveway, sobbing.

    He yelled out, “YOU DROVE ME TO IT.”

    I ran back to the gate and said, very quietly, “You are a fool”. I remember saying that. We made very direct eye contact. He knew how much I loved him. I would have given him a blow job, anyday, anytime…I LOVED giving him blow jobs. I loved being in bed with him, period.

    He said, “I know”.

    And I never saw him again. He has tried, with emails and some phone calls, meaningless low effort nothings, alternated with acting like nothing happened, to reestablish contact.

    I did respond back one time: What would we talk about? Her pussy and your dick?

    He eventually stopped trying except that he did call me last week after a silence. 2.5 months

    He made the comments how “he did not know how to fix this?”, “was there anything he could do to make it up to me?” and “there sure is nothing else out there, is there babe?”

    And I still….still…would give my little pinkie for this not to be true. For his character to not be so stinky and rotten and slippery and entitled and deceitful and a guaranteed heartbreak.

    Did I stop being a chump? Yes. I believe he thought I would accept his cheating and wildness because so many women have, due to his good looks, charisma and ability to make you feel (at times) so good.

    But I still miss him. I can’t wait for this to pass. He did not break my heart. He took an M-16 and blew it to Casablanca.

    I pray for God to have mercy on me and take away this pain. And that is not dramatics. It worries me…..the staying power of this pain. He just sits in the corner, always with me, this Grief. I think the death of my dog…LOSS…have reignited it more.

    But, I am not a chump anymore.

    • You are so strong! To be in pain and live with it! I tried so many times to soothe myself by allowing him back into my orbit.
      Stay strong, Sylvia is Sad! You won’t always be sad. You will have to look hard to find things that make you happy, but I promise happiness is out there!

    • Excellent post, Sylvia.

      I hope you will get past all your pain and arrive at Meh very soon.


    • Stay strong ..this community here is amazing this site saved my sanity. It truly did. Trust that he sucks and you deserve SO much better.

      • You gems responding and validating me is like treasure to me. A cliche…but no one else understands.
        I believe without my friends here…I think we are friends….I would have backslided.

        Sometimes the pain is so huge, I do knock myself out with Benadryl at night. I know this Is foolish…but less harmful than contact. He is like Rasputin.

        Thank you…if you knew how much your kindness helped….I cling to it. I dont care if it sounds pathetic. Truth is my tonic. Not looking “Aloof or Cool”. This type of pain ushers ego right out the back door.

        • No one knows this pain unless you’ve experienced it. Believe me you will survive it and you will be SO much stronger. I have boundaries and limits now I never knew I had or realized the importance of. Just take it one day at a time. I actually went to the doctor and got some low dosage Xanax for the first several months as I was literally running on no sleep. That and sometimes melatonin helped me as well as another anti depressant (I think Celexa) as I was literally losing my mind. I got through that shit and you will too. Stay No Contact as that is the key to healing. I haven’t talked to or emailed or texted or social media stalked etc for over a year now I’ve actually lost track, I used to keep a journal of how many days just slowly detach and finally they don’t have your heart anymore. It’s an AMAZING feeling. Hang in there

        • We’ve been through your hell and you have ALL of our love and support. Whatever we can do to help you walk out of hell, we’ll do it. I can tell from your posts how much love you had for this person. Still do. We’re here to listen and hold your hand while you vomit it all back up. Everyone here did it for me and we are glad to do it for you. I know you can do this. You are mighty.

          • Sunny, thats the terrible rub. I love him to bits. He did it for me. But there is no cure for it. I will not subject myself to his disordered mind ever again.
            Thank you.

          • I just signed up for two MEET UPS.

            1) Singles meet at a swanky Brazilian steak house
            2) Foraging for local edibles in the woods.

            *There may be action without happiness but there is no happiness without action.*

            He can go straight to hell.

    • Sylvia, you have done the right thing by cutting this man out of your life. The pain hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before, and for over a hear and a half I felt like there was a heavy rock in my chest. In the very beginning, the grief was so bad I felt like I’d lost my legs. Really, it was so odd! I kept wondering why I would feel that way, until I came to the realization that I was having to “learn to walk” into a different life that I never anticipated. I can assure you the pain will get better. The longing for him…that could go on for awhile. But you are doing the right thing, you are loving yourself more than you love him. You are protecting yourself from further harm, and believe me, this man would harm you again if you let him.

      • Yes. I feel sort of paralyzed and lost many times. Just like that.
        But…he is dangerous. He will smash my heart as careless as a toddler throws a toy.

    • Sylvia, i still love and miss the guy i fell in love with and married. I probably always will but i pushed those memories way inside and deal with the low life cheater lying loser asshole i divorced. I devoted my life to him and our family for 27 years to be tossed aside for some sex slave whore with money. But he destroyed our life and continues to be very nasty and negative like an angry old bear having its foot stuck in a trap spitting and hissing how his life sucks, hes in terrible pain and why cant an asteroid jit the planet and kill everyone. Not the same guy i married. His lies and bullshit are incredable. I stopped listening long ago. The last three years trying to get untangled is more than difficult. I feel your pain i still cry sometimes for what was and what i expected to happen. Fuck him and all like him. I hope his physical pain increases that only death would give him relief. Him listening to that screaming old penis will be his ultimate downfall. Serves him right bastard. My first un chump moment was when he was sleeping three years ago and i packed his bag and when his asked where his stuff was i said in your car leave. He did right into whore juices arms. The second was when i found photos of whores in my house in my bed and he swore on his xhildrens lives their was noone other than whore juice there were at least two others and all in my house in my bed while i was at work hes entertaining and then yelling at me he cant get any work done for constant interuptions. Yes whores in my bed! Lied to my face over and over he would never bring anyone home he wasnt that kind of person how could i ever think that hes a good guy. Excuse me i had to barf. He doesnt know i know but i printed out the evidence and saved them to throw in his face when i move. That will be a glorious day! When i found those photos i lost every ounce of respect care everything for him didnt have much left at that point anyway and now i feel nothing for him. He is nothing. Not at meh but a whole lot closer. I will let him and every memory i have of him just disapate and blow away. Big hug sylvia. You got this!

          • And I am amazed….IN AWE of strength after what he has done. He is Mr. Shit All Over You and dare you to complain.
            Do you think one day he will lose it, ignore some whore’s “safe word” and just beat her to death? Violence is his turn on…is it that far off the mark?

            • Apparently he loves to beat wemen with belts and stuff, tie them up degrade them with words and actions for sex. Says its the only way he can get off now, what happens when that gets boring, cutting, choking, death. I dont know and i dont wanna know. He beat on his first wife if she pushed his buttons and she did, hes beat on the whore a few times. Me never but im not a button pusher and i dont play games as in both of them any attention is good attention as long as he paid attention to them even them pushing his anger to the max. Me he never laid a hand on me but if i pushed his buttons im sure he would. Mostly the violence is sex but as he getting older and his body hurts more its anger 24/7. And yes that anger if pushed far enough it leads to violence. Now i know why he never touched the kids when anger at them. He was afraid hed lose control. Me soon as this house closes i go no contact and disappear i never want to see hear or hear about that motherfucker again. He is dead to me he is nothing.