A woman writes to the Life and Style section of the Guardian newspaper to ask whatever shall she do when her affair of 10 years ends? She has such high standards. It’s not as if she can just go online shopping at Easy Undiscriminating Guys R Us. Do you know how hard it is to find a man who wants no-strings-attached sex?
Judging by the 40 million or so Ashley Madison members, it’s apparently impossible.
She writes to the Guardian to get reader feedback on her quandary. Something tells me my reply would not be among the “Guardian Picks.”
As she’s asking for responses, I thought it only fair to put her dilemma through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
I’ve been having sex regularly with a married man for about 10 years. The sex is amazing, which is why we’ve continued for so long.
Well that and the ability to suffocate our consciences with a pillow of sociopathy. Yes, the sex is amazing in that let’s-fuck-but-I-wouldn’t-want-to-introduce-you-to-anyone kind of way. #stillwithhiswife #10years
We are intellectually matched and get on very well, but neither of us want the relationship to be anything more than it is.
No, I’m fine with it being nothing more than it is. Really okay. Peachy. Did I mention we both like Tolstoy and clandestine fucking? We’re intellectually matched! By “matched” I don’t mean in the relationship sense. But in the we-get-on-very-well-in-a-non-relationship-relationship sort of way.
I WANT MORE. It’s sophisticated.
I feel lucky to have what I have with him.
It’s so rare to find a cheater. I should thank my lucky stars.
I am independent and very happy not to be in a “normal” relationship.
Normal relationships? Who needs them? Which is why I’m publicly reaching out to thousands of strangers to ask how I can get another man. I NEED A MAN. #happywithmyindependence
I work overseas a lot and having him to satisfy me when I am back is perfect. I am very content with all aspects of my life.
He’s like one of those General Mills International Coffee advertisements — so satisfying! Go through customs, take a taxi home, unpack, screw the married guy. Repeat for a decade. Spend holidays alone looking at my airport gift shop snow globe collection. Wonder why he hasn’t called. Text him furtively. “LoveUBabe” reply at 3 a.m. Smash Denver snow globe against wall. Fuck him. He texts, “Tuesday’s good.” I text back “K”. I pick up the shards of my shattered snow globe. A faint trail of glitter tears remains on the wall. Everything is perfect. I am very content with all aspects of my life.
However, I know that the relationship will come to a natural conclusion at some point. As that time gets closer (we don’t have a fixed date, but we are not getting any younger),
I am aging. There is no fixed date on my obsolescence. Forty grows closer. My tits are kinda saggy. I will be replaced. #naturalconclusions
I wonder how I will feel.
Will I boil a bunny?
Yes, I will be immensely sad to have lost a special, intimate relationship but I am not sure if I will suddenly want to share my life with someone full-time.
Men who want me full-time are just lining up. I have a world of options. Which is why I’ve chosen to secretly fuck a married guy for a decade. #special
If I do, how will I go about finding that next someone?
Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder, Craigslist… However how?
I will have such high expectations that I wonder if I will ever find another man who can make me feel satisfied – both sexually and emotionally.
I can’t tolerate a full-time relationship. Or sharing an intellectual connection. Or open intimacy. My high expectations of deep shallowness are very difficult.
I don’t want what I have to stop, but I know that is not possible.
He’s going to throw me under the bus soon. And I will lose that special intimacy that comes from being utterly expendable.
There must be others, both the single lover and the married one, who have had a similar experience.
How did you ever move on? Is there an app for this? Can I swipe right and find another? Help me.