Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani spoke for everyone on the planet this week when he announced on “Meet the Press” that “everybody” cheats. The New York Times reported:
The remark came during an exchange on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” after Chuck Todd, the show’s host, asked Mr. Giuliani whether he was “the right person” to bring up former President Bill Clinton’s infidelities in this heated campaign.
“You have your own infidelities, sir,” Mr. Todd said.
“Everybody does,” Mr. Giuliani responded. “You know, I’m a Roman Catholic and I confess those things to my priest.”
The reaction from Twitter users was swift and unforgiving.
“Um, I’ve been married for almost 20 years. No infidelities,” wrote John Bielski, whose Twitter account describes him as a labor lawyer in Philadelphia. Mr. Bielski, whose Twitter profile says he loves his wife and daughters more than his favorite sports teams, went on to ask, “Am I doing marriage wrong?”
Well, Mr. Bielski, since you asked, why yes, yes you are doing marriage all wrong. Trusting your wife, being faithful, loving your family more than your sports team, what kind of ancient relic ARE you? Didn’t you get the monogam-ish memo? Unlock the Mating in Captivity cage! Be free!
Don’t you realize how you suffer unjustly from the monogamy hegemony? You didn’t evolve to be this way, Mr. Bielski! Create a Tinder profile! Swipe right! Fuck around a little with women your daughters’ age. Model to them that this is what all men do. Tell them they could stand to lose a few pounds, and maybe if they’d been a bit more lovable you wouldn’t have done this. (Well, of course you would, but hey, they’re a little chubby.) Announce at a press conference that you’re leaving your wife, Rudy-style. Everyone does it! Priests see this all the time and they’re A Okay with it.
Chump Lady is putting down the snark now.
Mr. Bielski, you’re a national treasure. Unlike Rudy Giuliani.
Giuliani is just doing that classic blameshift from the Cheater Handbook — “Everybody cheats.” It’s so common, I have a cartoon about it. My own cheater said this to me, however, the “Don’t be a fucking Pollyanna” flourish was all his own.
The mindfuck goes like this: I’m not a freak, YOU’RE a freak! Don’t expect me to abide by rules I agree to, I’m Special. You’re a sap, that’s why you believe in commitment. Edgy sophisticated people such as myself are above such things. Do not judge me. We’re All Sinners. You yourself make coffee all wrong.
Everyone does it, ergo these rules are really silly. I’m just intelligent enough to recognize a silly rule when I see one. You’re a chump. A sheep. A go-along type. I just lie to you because you like your delusional world. To lie is a kindness really. You fail to sufficiently appreciate me.
Raise your hands, chumps, if you’ve heard this mindfuck before. Now raise your middle fingers and point them towards New York City.