Ghoulies and Ghosties and Long-Legged Beasties and Things That Cheat in the Night

halloween-facebook-costume-funny-ecard-ojrToday’s Fun Friday Challenge is to create a Halloween scenario for cheaters. This shouldn’t be much of a stretch here, folks. What’s more heart-stopping and stomach-churning than infidelity? You can approach the Scary anyway you want.

Horror film trailer? It came from the Deep, trailing a path of slime and ooze…IT WANTS YOUR FAMILY!!…IT BOILS BUNNIES! It’s… GRIZELDA!!! #shesjustafriend

Halloween costume idea? (Please avoid the obvious — cheaters disguise themselves as human.) Trick or treat suggestions? Halloween games cheaters can play? Bobbing for bimbos!

Let your imaginations run wild. And maybe enjoy a little early Halloween chocolate. (I won’t tell.) TGIF!

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allfornothing
allfornothing
7 years ago

The OM was a true monster! Dr Strangelove masqueraded as her respectable 20+ yr older OBGYN before fucking my XW and stealing her away with his narc charm. And once he had her he beat her up. Part Prince Charming part lecherous c*nt. Beware of spreading your legs for Dr Strangelove

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  allfornothing

You mean Dr Strange-Glove, right?

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

Hysterical!

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  Confused123

Another great one!

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  allfornothing

Has anyone reported him to his Board? Beating someone is criminal. Diddling patients is malpractice (assuming he was her doc). Seriously, do the rest of his poor patients a favor and put this info out there.

Chumpman
Chumpman
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Got to wander what Count Speculum fell in love with.

oaktree
oaktree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Count Speculum! Fucking hilarious!

NfV
NfV
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Exhole’s first OW (that I know about) was an OBGYN. I call her Dr.Who..re … evidently she was a dirty, dirty racist in addition to being a liar and a cheat. Charming package! But yaknow, he grabbed her by the merkin.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

*snort* – Count Speculum! Classic!

Queen Mother
Queen Mother
7 years ago

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

Zombie

Vampire

James Bond

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Queen Mother

James Bond, always after Pussy Galore?

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

My STBX is that one piece of candy that DOES have a needle in it, that apple with the razor blade, that homemade popcorn ball with poison…
Should have dumped my candy bag and been selective instead of choosing that treat on the top.

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago

If neighbors who weren’t home left out a bowl of candy with a sign to “take one”, cheater would dump the whole bowl into his sack and giggle for getting away with it.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

skankboy would even take the bowl. Idiot!

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago

For Halloween this year, Fucktard and Cunt Face MD will be going as Romeo and Juliet — after all, their love was forbidden yet could not be denied. On closer examination, Fucktards tights are stained and have runs in them, his codpiece is more then slightly eschew (and leaning to the left, as always) and his doublet is too tight and clearly made for a much, much younger troubadour. Unfortunately for Fucktard he left his feather cap on “the cot in the mainframe room”, so his rapidly expanding bald spot is shown in all of it’s glory.
Lady Cunt Face MD on the other hand dress is a sparkling wonder. Until you look closely and realize the sequins are really the tears of the children (hers and Fucktards) whose lives she has blithely destroyed. Her hem is ragged, the stains around the bodice are better left unidentified, and her pointy hat is filled with knives (her preferred method of threats and manipulation). Cunt Face MD is truly a Princess in every sense of the word, with cowering nursemaid behind her acquising to her every demand…no wait, that’s not a nursemaid – that’s Fuctardeo, Fuctardeo – where for art thou, Fucktardeo?

Whit's End
Whit's End
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Beautiful!

cdclocks
cdclocks
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

That’s SO appropriate considering that Romeo and Juliet is NOT a love story…just a story about very young, very horny, very self-centered young people.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Fabulous! ???

_esq
_esq
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Maybe she’ll trip over her hem and fall off the balcony. Hopefully landing on Fucktardeo

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  _esq

Oh no ?????here we go!! Ba ha ha ha FUCKTARDEO ????

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

Lmao Fucktardeo!!!

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

+1!!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

Ex’s costume should just be his regular clothes but with his Pants on Fire. As in Liar, Liar, pants on fire! He was proven to be a pathological liar, time and again.

Mr. Nice Guy could alsi have a mask that’s his face, and even when he takes it off you see the true, deep ugliness where his soul SHOULD be.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Ex would also need to carry a battery powered lantern that he can brighten and dim, to represent all the gas lighting he so enjoys. But that is really just a variation of lying, isn’t it?

His other preferred technique is blame shifting so maybe he could carry a sign that says ,” I blame HER” and shift it from side to side ( shifting). Every time we discussed his lying, cheating, whoring ways he tried to immediately turn it to me and the fact that I am Fat and Lazy. Oh well, at least I’m not a lying whore.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Oh, don’t forget that I am also Nasty, as in a bad housekeeper…

Drove him into the crotch of a whore….

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

You, too, Anita? My piles of kids’ school papers and extra sets of chinaware drove my X into the crotch of gradwhore, according to him. And also that I didn’t “listen to him” (read: “obey him”) about said piles of paper.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh jeez, the piles!!! The Evil One was a man cave/office bit I wasn’t allowed to have any type of extra space whatsoever, cause I have a classroom and keep my crap there, until he found my journal and calendar documenting all of his dirty deeds and all nighters …then of course he tried to “make space”, but I refused….
Funny thing is,my piles are contained now, hhhmmmm, thanks for the extra space, fucker

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Anita,

Its amazing how EVERYTHING was our fault, isn’t it? Fuck him.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Divinelife

Yes, it is ALWAYS the cheated on’s fault. Didn’t you get the memo?

As far as Fuck Him, lol, is rather not. What a waste of time. Any guy who is with ex for sex is in for a sorry surprise.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Fat and Lazy? I can diet and exercise.

Pathological, stupid liar? Ain’t no cure for that.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

we need a bulk order of those pants for the x’s of CN

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Yes, all cheaters are liars. So we need multiple factories making the pants.

I think lying is the worst personality trait you can have, cause like they say Satan is the Father of Lies, and it really just leads to all other sins. Sorry for the religious undertone but that’s what I think.

We are always talking about Fixing your Picker on here. It’s probably really easier than you think. Just watch the person for signs of being a liar. They might fool you with not being overt with cheating, etc, but they will lie. I never realized what a liar the ex was till I found out he was a cheater.

White lies. Lies of omission. Deliberate deception, it all counts. And it’s all an indicator of character. Or lack thereof.

Susan
Susan
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

When I was growing up my father thought liar was a curse word. He always said that was the worst thing you could call someone because it showed total lack of character and integrity. Unfortunately, I married the world,s greatest liar.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

I 100% agree about the lying and also about the Father of all Lies.

The first time I heard my ex lie, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and it unnerved me. The lie had something to do with the Mountain Dew I purchased while on Spring Break. And he told the lie to the people we were sharing a room with. I’ll file this lie under the category of “Stupid and Unnecessary Lying.” I remember thinking, “why did he lie about the Dew?”

This was the first of many Unnecessary Lies, lying by omission and just outright lying to my face and other people’s faces.

He’s a snake who can look you right in the eye and lie without blinking.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, I agree. Mine lied to me about voting of all things! Just why? I really heard him when he said everything was easier with OW. She has much lower expectations, and he struggled with mine in many areas of life – honesty, faithfulness, work ethic, and, yes, even civic duty.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Exactly!! Just why about the unnecessary lies?!

Years upon years of stupid lies. For years I thought it was me, not remembering something right even though I have a great memory. Or hearing him say he never ever watched “The Brady Bunch” or “Gilligans Island”, but somehow knew the theme songs for tons of TV shows. When I questioned him about how does he know the songs if he never watched the shows, he said it was “Common knowledge.” I can’t tell you how many times he used the Common Knowledge Card to either lie or to put me down when I thought I’d share something interesting I learned. I’d find out something obscure but interesting thing that came out in the news or online that day, and I’d share it with him and he’d say, “That’s common knowledge.” Of course I stop sharing stuff with him. Who needs to be made feel less than or “everyone already knew about that except for you, stupid.” He never said those words to me, but that’s how I felt when he’d say “that’s common knowledge.”

I finally stood up to him a few years ago. For some reason he had to tell an Unnecessary Lie to our kids. At the dinner table we all were talking and for some reason the movie “Monster University” came up. We all went together as a family to see the movie a few years before. My ex lied and said he’d never saw the movie. What?!! He sat to the right of me and both kids sat to the right of him. We loved the movie, exchanging laughs and glances throughout. We went to dinner afterwards. But for some stupid, unnecessary reason he lied and said he never saw it! When I confronted him later that evening about what he said, he once again lied and said he never saw it. Gaslighting at it’s best! He later went on the computer and looked up his “XYX Family Day” Excel family file, the file he decided to make it chronicle what we did as a family. Yeah, he’s douchebag ass who made a record of what we did together as a family. I’m sure he didn’t want the kids to ever say, “Dad, you never did anything with us”, so the ass started a excel file after I convinced him to take one day off a “work/ho-worker”, because the kids were growing up and one day they’d be gone and on their own. So he started this stupid file and documented what we did with them. Who the fuck does this?!!!! So he looked up on his file and had no record of him going to see the movie. What kinda stupid person does he think I am?! Hello?!! McFly?!! It’s his file and he can easily delete and add to it. With a highlight and a stroke of the delete button it was gone. Why would someone lie about not going to a movie that they went to? A total sociopath, that’s who!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oh yeah, the Excel SPREAD sheets… I used to call my ex the King of Excel. That was before I knew he had a 1000+ rows spread sheet of porn stars. He also used to keep an excel spread sheet of my periods so he could avoid scheduling a vacation when I wasn’t available to service his needs. Because putting your mouth on a stripper’s asshole is fine but having sex with your wife on her period? Euwwwww.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Ew. Just ew!

MehMe
MehMe
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oh, mine had an excel file schedule of dates and times he was screwing his various whores.

There were so many, he felt the need to keep track of it in a spreadsheet, I guess.

That was just one of the many little gems I found after D-Day and sadly couldn’t use, being in a no-fault states.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

My ex was obsessed with excel spreadsheets too, recording every penny that he spent on every single thing. OCD. And yes, future ammunition. The demeaning was similar too, his preferred method being to pretend to listen to something I said, then say, “Word to the wise [and complete opposite of facts I just stated]. Gaslighting.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Power. Knowledge is power; if a cheater can convince you of something, or without a piece of information you need, it grants them POWER in their puny little minds.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Yes, this! Exactly.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Get him one of those Galaxy Note 7s. Tell him to be sure to put it in his pocket for safe keeping. Very soon his pants will literally be on fire!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Oh that’s hilarious!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

I would be happy to continously speed dial him!!!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Lol, yes, that is a good idea cause you know these cheaters can’t ever be far from the Fuck Phone …

validated
validated
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

front pocket

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Asshat would be that guy in Silence of the Lambs- the one dressed in the skins of his prey. Kinda looks like a person from faraway. Up close, the !horror! of a thing dressed in human skin to *appear* to be human himself.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

He could go to Halloween parties with Hannibal Lecher, who of course would come dressed as …Hannibal Lechter.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes, what about Edgar the Bug from MIB? He’s really a intergalactic cockroach dressed in human skin masqueradeing as a human.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago

“Luke” x’s a thousand!!!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago

Oh jeez, the piles!!! The Evil One was a man cave/office bit I wasn’t allowed to have any type of extra space whatsoever, cause I have a classroom and keep my crap there, until he found my journal and calendar documenting all of his dirty deeds and all nighters …then of course he tried to “make space”, but I refused….
Funny thing is,my piles are contained now, hhhmmmm, thanks for the extra space, fucker

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

The Edgar Suit…it’s not just for Halloween anymore. 😀

Drew
Drew
7 years ago

Edgar is ex. Both before possession and after.

GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
7 years ago

My ex’s costume should be evil Superman from Superman III (he has a Superman emblem tattooed on his arm — guess I should’ve spotted the narcissism or Peter Pan-ism when he got it; oh well).

The best scene in the movie is Clark Kent choking the life outta him in my opinion.
🙂

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Mine actually is the same nationality and has the same name as the villainous character in the movie titled The Mask! Their smiles are similar, too!

Geode
Geode
7 years ago

With 6 months of occasional therapy sessions and a few 12 step meetings to his credit, Dr. Crazy can go as a “Recovered Sex Addict”.

If anyone can figure out what that looks, please contact me…

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Yes, a few therapy sessions, and then he can whine, “but I’m tryyyyyyying, can’t you see that?” all the while still banging some whore…

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

Mine would be dressed as Mary and bf would be Jesus. They would have signs declaring the love and forgiveness of God while stopping at various houses to frolic and commit adultery.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Ugh, the incest implications are gross….

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

The Jesus cheaters are the scariest!

Dot
Dot
7 years ago

The ex is more scary when his mask is off. Halloween is a perfect day for him.

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dot

Love it.

ICanSeeTheMehFromHere!
ICanSeeTheMehFromHere!
7 years ago

Close your windows and lock your doors, but still you won’t be safe. For if you have the INTERNET, this treacherous slithering monster will find its way into your home. If you’re a gymnast… he’s a gymnast. If you’re a single swinger… he’s single swinger. If you’re unloved and just wanting to find one special person for the rest of your life… he’s your guy! And best of all, he’ll tell you he’s a Bi MWM or a DWM with his wife and kids blithely sitting in the next room. There is no defense against this evil… except NO CONTACT and CHUMP NATION! This film is un-rated because the villain refuses to finish the divorce. #nothingcanprepareyouforthisevil

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

🙂

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago

OMG….this is my ex. Chameleon is right!!!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

A chameleon. Evil unknowingly walks among us.

Ugh no..
Ugh no..
7 years ago

Ex can go as the anchor blazer wearing mayor of Amity (everything’s fine! There’s no shark! Hey my kids were in that water too!) I’ll be forced to go as good ole Chief Brody (somethings wrong, we’re going to need a bigger boat) and his new gal can don a shark costume!(all it does is swim and eat And make baby sharks)

I love Halloween!

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago

I think ex should dress up as a Horny Goat, since its his favorite “enhancer”.

Do you think if I dressed up as a Beauty Queen (like the one he left me for), he would come back?
…….nah, I think I will just dust off the (b)witch’s costume instead. Apparently it suits me. 😉

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Divinelife

No, but maybe if you dressed up like a tin can (something sparkly that goar’s love), he’d chase after you for a while.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

* goat’s

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago

My ex is going as his 20 year old self- skinny, pimpled, with hair out to here (the higher the hair, the closer to God!) cuz, you know, he’s not original enough to re-invent himself and feels the need to relive “the best days of his life”, giggle, snort. His soon to be next ex wife is going as Little Ho Peep!!!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Pondscumbgone

” his soon-to-be ex next wife is going as little Ho Peep…”!
???. You are killing me!

Geode
Geode
7 years ago

Little Ho Peep!!!! With a wolf dressed up like a sheep.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Nice rhyme, Geode.
Now how to get it out of my head!!?

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Thanks Virago! If you like that maybe I should post my 12 limerick ballad that begins…
“Beware stout old surgeon so sick,
Country charmer but truly a prick…”

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Yay! Tastefully obscene limericks. Bring ’em, Geode.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Excellent treatment plan Virago! And I have a urologist standing by – his prior ex, who’s feeling the same sense of karmatic satisfaction I am.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

There’s no “Reply’ button for your limerick, Geode.

Fabulous limerick. I’m more into obscene than tasteful!!!

A clear case of Philandering Phallus Fractularis, for which the recommended treatment ought to be radical excision.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Don’t jump to any conclusions Virago. That verse finishes with
“Craig’s listers he’d bone,
Often played all alone
Til one day he broke his own dick.”

Tasteful???

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Mine would be The Invisible Man. You know, missing from action during all family times, times of illness or need, social interaction, or chores. And now, thanks to No Contact, I don’t ever see him and it’s wonderful!

Champ
Champ
7 years ago

Peter Pan is bouncing off the walls. “Too much candy?” I think. No, he hasn’t hit the houses yet … this is his natural state. He’s outta control …. “Waaaaaaa. I wanna go outside and play!!!! Gimme treats!!! Gimme candy!!! Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!”

Meanwhile, Mommy Big Boobs is dressing herself up, too, in something inappropriate, and tells him, “Oh, Petey. Don’t go to that witch’s house for Hallowe’en … come to mine. I’ve got candy, and big boobs, and alcohol, and a big screen TV. Now, doesn’t that sound good, Petey? Bwaaa-haaa-haaaa.”

And Petey goes off to the Land of Disbelief, never to return.

Lovey dovey
Lovey dovey
7 years ago

My ex gets to play a balding chubby Vietnamese man with a manbun pretending to be Navajo so he convince her to continue financially supporting him even though his “charm” and “humor” wear thin by end of year two.

All the while his sister wife assassinates any art career in Spanish Colonial tinwork he though he though he might have.

And that Halloween horror show lasts…all….year…long

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  Lovey dovey

What in the actual fuck? I want to see a pic of the pseudo Vietnamese/Navajo cross. Stupid morons.

Susannah
Susannah
7 years ago
Reply to  The Ex-orcist

I want to see the balding man-bun. 🙂

Chumpy dad
Chumpy dad
7 years ago

My xw is going to have to don her Supermom outfit and actually take the kids trick or treating since it’ll be her week with the kids in our first year of divorce. It’ll be her first time taking the kids trick or treating in 4 years. Yep, you read that right. Been taking them by myself for the last 4 years. How on earth did I miss all the red flags???

Aletheia
Aletheia
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy dad

I always take the kids out trick or treating. He hands out candy, I think. I always take them to parties, activities, sleepovers – you name it. I go alone to school stuff except concerts, he goes to those.

He should be a mocking bird for Halloween. Imitates normal.

Drew
Drew
7 years ago
Reply to  Aletheia

Lol.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy dad

Your costume will be a shirt that says “sane parent”.Hers can read “insane parent”…and on the back it can say ” oh, and I’m a cheating asshole too”.
Same. My kids are grown now but I think twice he may have tagged along for Halloween.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy dad

I always took the kids too…but her new narrative to our daughter is she basically raised the kids herself…yeah right even our daughter rolls her eyes at that bullshit..

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

“Kids! Stay away from Douche’s candy! It looks like Wonka Fun Dip but it’s crushed Ritalin and those aren’t Mentos, they’re THC Zoots! What? Daddy douche says “all the really smart successful VCs are doing it? ” No kids, just say NO!

On the 31st in an expensive glass high rise apartment with no food in the fridge and no furniture you’ll find Thing 1 and Thing 2 running amok in a drug-fueled fuck frenzy. Thing 1 will be feeling sorry for himself and blaming horrid wife for anything that doesn’t go his way ….waaahaaaaa

Meanwhile, in a cozy home in the suburbs, a thin beautiful loyal mom is stirring a delicious pot of chili to warm the kids and neighbors who will stop by before they all go trick’o’treating with 25 neighborhood kids. The house and yard are decorated with kid-carved pumpkins, orange lights that cast a happy glow, and the Monster Mash KidBop CD is playing. Apple cider fills the house with the smell of fall.

Kind mom is dressed as a nurse with a crisp white dress, cute and appropriate for a family evening. Laughing tweenagers are getting ready for the festivities in her bathroom. The dog and cats are curled up on the hearth by the warm fire. Not a cheater in sight! Is Halloween on a Tuesday this year? Looks like it!

mary
mary
7 years ago

One daye while ex was here talking about getting back together someone banged my door – the trick was to tell me how long they had been involved (six years) and the treat was to put an end to the pick me dance and false reconciliation. The whole horror show involved them brawling in my house and OW was such a scary monster that ex ran away with claw marks and real blood.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  mary

I would have paid big money to see that!

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
7 years ago
Reply to  mary

Oh . My. God. They brawled in your house?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Several ideas for mine:
1-Peter Pan, in an neverending search for youth (not necessarily his own–younger and younger women will do).

2-Dorian Gray, as he could masquerade as a significantly younger man (including shaving YEARS off his actual age on this AM account). Ooops, looks like time has caught up with him, he’ll have to go as the aging picture instead.

3-A lovely loaf of home-cooked bread, which looks wonderful on the outside but was made with cockroach-infested flour.

wideawake
wideawake
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I like your #3 option! Reminded me of a web page I saved where a enterprising zoo doing Valentines Day fundraising offered to let patrons sponsor / adopt a fancy breed of cockroach – to commemorate those awful relationships that had (hopefully) bit the dust

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, 1, 2 & 3 are my ex to a tee, particularly No. 1. It appears he is in the bars and clubs with the prostit-tot and it is taking a very big toll. I wanted class and style and he wanted arse and trash. He got his wish. As they say, be careful what you wish for !!! 🙂

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Yes, Dorian Gray! Complete narcissist.

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago

The Cluster Fuck B Sociopath will actually take his mask off and everyone on earth will run for their lives when they see the horror. A writhing maggot factory in an empty corpse. Dead eyes, raging, spewing vomit.
Cock Slobber will be a Free Jizz Cone machine (you know-similar to a snow cone machine). Jizz is infinitely available from every skanky orifice.
Ugh those two are just fucking gross.?

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

Mine should go as her senior yearbook picture. She’s been out trying to re-capture that high school magic for years now – with middle school level maturity.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Perfect. That’s my xw to a T. She’s marrying AP who was a high school boyfriends from 37 years ago.

Kbchump
Kbchump
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Perfect! Sounds verrryyyyy familiar!!

topshelf
topshelf
7 years ago

I would do a remake of the movies “Fatal Attraction” crossed with “Godzilla” and Psycho”, and call it either “Whorezilla” or “Psycho Slut”. The starring role, of course, would go to glitter pig, who stalked me and my children FOR YEARS after fucktard dumped her. The movie would be especially scary because it would be based on REAL LIFE. (Think 40 texts in under two minutes and calling me, the wife, on the pretext of telling me that something bad had happened to my child). I seriously thought she would attempt to kill me.

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  topshelf

Good lord, is she gone now?

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
7 years ago

. . . “You’ve seen them both before as they wreak havoc on all who cross their paths! (Screams!). The Invisible Husband who leaves a trail of dirty socks, misses his children’s birthdays, leaves piles of dishes in the sink and skid marks in the toilets, but is never actually seen by his family!!! (Howls!) and Skankenstein – the most horrible whore of horror filmdom! (Sadisitic Laugh!). She slips into marriages like The Blob slips under doors and covers the innocent family with her putrid slime! (Screech!). For the first time ever, The Invisible Husband and Skankenstein team up in an instant classic – “The Pitiful and the Petulant”!

“Watch how The Invisible Husband drives his wife insane with gaslighting and passive-aggression! See how Skankenstein invades marriages and destroys them with her thunder thighs and low morals! And when The Invisible Husband and Skankenstein are finally together after decimating all in their paths? This is can’t miss ending! Watch as they destroy each other with their over-weening egos! Will the earth be safe from their treacherous selfishness???? This is THE must-see horror flick of the year!”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago

OMG, this is prefect! I had an invisible husband too!

Hop skip and chump
Hop skip and chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

Me too! How are you all so creative at work? Impressive!

Idle hands
Idle hands
7 years ago

+1, u have talent!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
7 years ago

Pod people.

LOTS of pod people.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
7 years ago

Skankenstein ????

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

????? good one

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago

Pee Wee can go as a giant urinal. His side piece is struggling to keep up wrapped tightly in Saran Wrap while chugging gallons of water.

The horror story – it’s true. The funny part – The marital home was on Elm Street.

zyx321
zyx321
7 years ago

My ex simply goes as himself, or as a knight in shiny armor.

I love Halloween, it is my favorite holiday. Yard decorated, etc.
When we went to Halloween parties ex always hated dressing up, said he did not like pretending to be someone else.
Now I know, he was pretending to be that good guy for years, the one all our female friends and colleagues went to for relationship advice, etc.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

“Now I know, he was pretending to be that good guy for years, the one all our female friends and colleagues went to for relationship advice, etc.” <<< Were we married to the same person?

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

It was a creature from a foreign country, disguised as human, but don’t let that sweet smile and empty promises full you…this creature will drain your bank accounts, never show up on time or finish one of its many projects.

It will subject you to broken down homes and cars with the promise of it will make things better, all the while, it drives the good cars, has the best phones while telling you you don’t deserve better.

It will literally suck the life and good will out of holidays, parties or any joyous occasion because it feeds off of chaos and pain.

In the end, it will find other victims to feed off while you stay at home guarding it’s hoarded up nest.

Run! Hide! Never believe the lies of the alien with the charming accent. Always beware of its actions as they speak louder than words.

wideawake
wideawake
7 years ago

My costume vision is a cross between Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” – and Hank Williams singing “Your Cheating Heart” at maximum volume as the soundtrack. (This outfit should work for either gender of cheater too.)

So imagine a giant pulsating, throbbing plastic (!!) smelly heart with selfish me! Me! ?Me! ?Me! ?flames shooting out from all around it, and no matter what the person wearing this costume tries to say – the Hank Williams lyrics BOOM out instead:. ? “Your cheeeeeeeeting heaaaaart… will tell on youuuuuuu” ?

cricket1114
cricket1114
7 years ago

My ex never liked dressing up either. He should go as a 14 year old boy that only thinks about sex, whines about never being happy and throws tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. Better yet, dress as a big floppy dick!

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  cricket1114

? ,oh shit!!! Lmao! Big floppy dick! The visual! Sounds about right though.

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
7 years ago

My exh is a firefighter/paramedic who liked to dabble with he nursing staff, so he would go as:
the male version of cruella de ville with his band of 101 mistresses

At this Halloween party they will play pin the implants on the nurse. he will pass out travel size packs of Puffs as party favors so everyone can feign crying after they get caught.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

Oh, I thought the puffs were for something else. Like cleaning up from the petroleum jelly packets.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

Oh! the firecheaters they’re the worst!

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
7 years ago

Yes. Yes they are. I strongly discourage my daughters from dating anyone in that profession. Im sure they aren’t ALL bad, but there are SO many who are. And why waSte time sifting through them all looking for one decent one when a whole world of possibilities exists?

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

Add cops to that list too. I will never date a fireman or an officer. My STBX cop
husband would come home and tell me stories about other officers hooking up with women on calls, having sex while on duty with women in their department, and constantly cheating on their wives. When he told me the stories, he always acted in disbelief that these men could act that way. Little did I know it was just a front to throw me off the scent. He was just like them… My advice to anyone thinking of dating a cop or fireman is to run the other way!!

NOW-I-KNOW-WHAT-HELL-LOOKS-LIKE
NOW-I-KNOW-WHAT-HELL-LOOKS-LIKE
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

Again striking a huge chord with me! The Evil One was a volunteer Fire Fighter and full time Maintenance Man at a nursing home. Imagine that, a Fire Fighter fucking his nurse howorkers.

Overcomer
Overcomer
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

IMO narcs flock to fire/police careers for the power, control and kibbles. My ex is a paramedic, we were married for 30 years and he married his paramedic howorker before the ink dried on our divorce papers. It takes me over four months to make what these two make in one. Yet howorker’s savings are dwindling, she sold her very nice paid off home to have a larger nicer home with a mortgage and they just seem not to have any money but then he did make all her dreams come true……?

For Halloween the Horror movie is titled Spawn of Phlegm….dun, dun, dun! The camera focuses on my ex who will arrive fashionably late to the party dressed as ‘himself’ but everyone recognises him as the hero, showing up in the nick of time, walking into a room to save the day and bring victims back from the brink of death…gasp…swoon! Oh and somewhere in the party wifetress is stumbling around the room yuking it up with the good ol boys dressed as a Head Brewer or Brewmaster, depending on her position…lol
After the charming hero collects his inebriated and now somewhat crumpled Head Master and takes leave of the party, it seems less sparkly and bright, people are sad and bewildered, listless and softly moaning as if someone sucked all the happiness and fun out of them. The horror and nightmare begins…dun, dun, dun! As the camera pans out you see the mask come off our hero revealing……the Narcissist vampire who is berating and browbeating his Head master into a sobbing pile but not before sucking the life out of the partygoers!!….run, scream and run away!!

Mmmhmm
Mmmhmm
7 years ago
Reply to  Overcomer

Firefighters and medics leave a bad taste in my mouth. I hope to never need their services. They like being portrayed as heroes. My exh’s last affair partner was the girlfriend of his ambulance partner. His partner died in a helicopter crash serving as a paramedic. He didn’t deserve to die, but he was a cheater also. Anyway, my husband met his partners girlfriend for the first time at his partners funeral. Doesn’t everyone go to funerals to pick up widows?? Anyway, they are both disgusting to me. It was disrespectful to me and his deceased partner both

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  MmmHmm

I had one too!!! Omg, what a nightmare. Found out that my ex banged women at the station, training auditorium, helicopter hangar, and once he was promoted and had his fire dept vehicle to travel in he would go to their houses to bang them there and just keep his radio on the bed I case he got a call.
Sick fuck. Your tax dollars at work.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

Monsters. We tell our children they don’t exist. Not only for their peace of mind but for our own. But some monsters are real and they are more terrifying than you could ever imagine.

Because these monsters you’ll never see coming.

Oh yes, monsters exist. They are in your homes. They are in your beds. They are wolves in sheep clothing.

They can be charming, witty and attentive one minute and the next they’ve knocked you to the ground with their savagery and innate inability to cause you deep emotional pain. You’ll question the truth. You’ll beg for mercy. But these beasts have no mercy.

No one is safe from the Cluster B. These soul-sucking pods sneak into your lives to take everything you hold dear. Your trust, your love, even your own reality. And when they’ve robbed you of everything you value in life, they will stare blankly at you with their cold, dead eyes and convince you it was all your own doing.

There’s only way to survive an attack from a Cluster B. You must remove their power from them by taking away what THEY hold most dear. Kibbles. Without kibbles these monsters will smolder and crumble like a vampire exposed to sunlight.

So beware Cluster B’s. Thy day of reckoning is here and thy slayer is named. #ChumpNoMore

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

+1000

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

+100

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

+1

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
7 years ago

Or he could go as Henry the 8th carrying a platter of cheese balls all shaped into the image of his ex wives.

MmmHmm
MmmHmm
7 years ago

They could play bobbing for boobs!

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago

Mine could go as a bobblehead.

Whenever I asked him a question, he would just nod and agree……all the while secretly SEETHING that I wasn’t reading his mind. When it was all said and done, I asked him “so what percentage do you think we agreed on things…(chumpy me thought it was 85%)…..he looks at me and says 40-60%
FOURTY TO SIXTY PERCENT???

THEN WHY DIDNT YOU EVER FUCKING SAY SOMETHING INSTEAD OF BOBBING YOUR HEAD. idiot.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago

No insult to reptiles intended, but here they are all ready to go trick or . . . er, I mean, to turn tricks.
If they stand real close together like this they can do the trick on the sly. They think. Everyone notices. They don’t care.

Worthbound
Worthbound
7 years ago

My fucktard ex is a detective/cop. The first Halloween after he left his family, his skank dressed up as a police officer (the slutty version I am sure) and fucktard dressed as her prisoner. They even got one of my girls, who was 9 yrs at the time, to dress up as a prisoner too. Wow, there are no words.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  Worthbound

No words, I am speechless…#WhoDOESthat?!?!?!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

Perhaps I should send Narkles the Clown a six fingered glove so he can be Count Rugen from the Princess Bride. I can totally see him saying ” I’m sure you’ve discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present I’m writing the definitive work on the subject”

I’d go as Inigo Montoya altering his words during his battle with Rugen as “I want my life back you son of a bitch.”

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Love love love that idea!!!! fanfuckingtastic

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

The Limited will dress as a baby. Nothing on but a diaper and a pacifier in his mouth

She will be walking him with a child harness in one hand and a a no name beer in the other. She will exchange sympathetic glances with all the men she previously gave blow jobs to. Such pride.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

??????

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Lol ????you guys are killing me today “such pride” ba ha ha

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

And He will be sitting on HER lap with an ever so pathetic puppy dog face.

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago

Well, in a real life horror show, my ex-cheater, who never previously gave two hoots about Halloween, now picks the kids up to trick-or-treat wearing a costume. Of course, unbeknownst to him, it’s a very appropriate one: a vampire. One of my close GFs comes to my house to help pass out candy since I get hundreds of kids (literally) in my neighborhood, and she doesn’t get any. So, when my ex started doing this whole vampire routine, we laughed ourselves silly (and continue to do so every year). Just think of Bela Lugosi as Dracula but awkward and dorky. That’s my ex!

Oh, and the OW? Of course, she’s too cool to wear a costume (I always dress up), but she has, on occasion, worn something quite appropriate: a witch’s hat.

So, it’s pretty accurate to say that my ex is a sucker (in so many ways… for marrying the OW would be at the top of the list), and his cheater partner is definitely a witch.

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
7 years ago

The au pair (OW) should wear a slut-dress made out of greencards, while my STBXH is the village idiot running after her.

geekmom
geekmom
7 years ago

Mine, a poltergeist.

*Poof!!* He just flat-ass disappeared one day, with no warning, then began to manipulate and destroy lives and homes; working invisibly through a few texts and a short-skirted lizard of an attorney. Made one final apparition in front of the judge, where he treated me as the invisible one.

Do not look for him, he’s all smoke and mirrors.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

The invisible man.

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

Geek! Mine blindsided me as well……shallow cowards

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
7 years ago

Cheater #1 – Homeless bum. Not much of a stretch since he goes to AA meetings to pick up chicks and then crash with them until they get sick of paying for everything and throw his lazy ass out.

Cheater #2 – Used car salesman. Tells you everything you want to hear, smooths over the hard questions with diversions and non-answers. Has a business card that reads “will fuck for sales”. If you knew him IRL, you’d know that this is hardly a costume.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Wow, Ex#2/The Evil One, was a car salesman, distributor, sales, etc. for years. Truly screwed up they all are.

geekmom
geekmom
7 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Blondness: mine is (or was – don’t know) a car salesman. Did well at it too . . . so honest, trustworthy, detail-oriented!! Yeah, right. A very, very good liar.

Sterling
Sterling
7 years ago

My ex could go as his online female persona, dressed up like the college friend whose photo he used as ‘her’ profile photo.

I cannot make this shit up.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Sterling

If mine tried that, the government would have catapulted his ugly ass to Russia! Just saying!

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago

x would be wearing a tight, sad sausage encasing, to show his physique, hahaha, and his gf would be dressed as a fat little dachshund chasing after him trying to meet his ever changing needs. Chase those goal posts little doggy, you’ll finally get there and just look at the prize you will catch. (insert evil laugh)

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

For the WIN!!!! High five!!!LOL

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Flutterby, BRAVO! clap,clap,clap