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Men Cheat Because They Love Us? WTF?

bullshitAnother day, another study telling us how unnatural monogamy is.

You chumps are FREAKS, I tell you. FREAKS! The latest academic to say so is Eric Anderson, author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating. His thesis? Men cheat because really, they love you women.

(Sorry guy chumps and gay chumps, I don’t have any academic books to review about your situation today. Apparently, infidelity is only an evolutionary imperative for straight men. And who interests the Academy? Straight men, preferably white colored ones. If you are a faithful straight man, or gay, lesbian, or transgender person, file yourself under Outlier, Freak, or Monogamous Anachronism. Thank you.)

The otherwise irreproachable Good Men Project reviewed this absurd book with the assumption that their readership “good men” would like an excuse for cheating? Hey, dude! Stop being “good” — check out this professor who says cheating is LOVE! Yeah, were you going to get her a diamond? Fuck that shit! Get yourself an Ashley Madison account instead! Nothing says “I love you” like exposing her to STDs or having another woman’s baby. The ladies love a player. You gotta be free to spread that seed, but she’s just the lucky lady you come home to. She’s gets uppity about that? Tell her evolution says so!

According to the review:

Anderson suggests that monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of sexual fulfillment. Cheating becomes the rational response to an irrational situation.

And it is at this stage that Anderson provides his most provocative argument: Men cheat because they love their partners. It is the ‘because’ that makes the statement so challenging. Yet Anderson’s argument is convincing: Intentionally focusing on younger men unburdened by marriage and parenthood, he argues that if these men did not love their partners, they could break up with them. Existing in the open sexual marketplace of university culture, and fuelled by high consumption of both alcohol and porn, these men do not need to be with their partners for access to sex (unlike undergraduates of past generations). In other words, if the 78% of university-attending men he interviewed who had cheated on their current partners did not love them, they would have left them. The logic, then, is clear—these men are with their girlfriends because of the emotional bond they share. Having undergone a rapid process of sexual habituation in a culture that is highly sexualized, it is men’s sexual dissatisfaction rather than any emotional one which propels them to have sex with others.

Hey, Dr. Anderson — I don’t have a Ph.D. or anything (just a useless masters degree in African history) and I’m not a scientist… I’m just a girl and our brains don’t do logic and stuff as well as your big male science brains do — but couldn’t we also conclude that cheating men don’t stay with women because of “the emotional bond they share” but because those women are of USE to them. Like, they earn paychecks and shit, and raise babies, and are better at scrubbing toilets than guy roommates tend to be?

Cheating men don’t “break up” like they did when they’re single because there are adult consequences like child support and a reduced standard of living when you divorce. Don’t you social scientists study motivations behind societal behavior and stuff? I had no idea you were all so tender hearted as to ascribe “love” to infidelity. Love is rather intangible and hard to measure. How much you have in your 401K, divided in half, not so much.

Again, I’m a girl, so do discount my fuzzy thinking — but me and my besties, we discuss EVERYTHING. Those I share “emotional bonds” with, I’m honest with. There’s nothing they don’t know about me. So, why don’t those cheating men who have those deep emotional bonds with the women they’re cheating on tell them they’d prefer an open relationship?

Or do the deep emotional bonds not extend to imagining another man fucking your girlfriend? Is that why it’s a big secret that you like to cheat? Or is that you would prefer an unequal playing field where women stay faithful to YOU and you have carte blanche to fuck around? I know it sounds really douchey when I put it that way.

Call me a femi-nazi but that sounds pretty retro and patriarchal to me. I mean, isn’t that the system we’ve HAD for ages? But what you’re proposing is all new and edgy and paradigm shattering!

Destroy monogamy! Monogamy is the problem! It’s a “failed social institution.”

Fuck you Eric Anderson. Or rather polyamorously fuck you, so more than one can fuck you.

Monogamy isn’t a failed social institution — commitment is a failed social institution. Good character is a failed social institution. You’re just dressing up the same old shit and trying to sell it in new ways.

No one forces you to be monogamous. You commit to it. Don’t blame the “institution” for your personal failures and sense of entitlement. Waah! It’s so unfair of you to hold me to promises I made of my own free will! It’s hard!

You’re not alone Eric Anderson. The world is full of cheating apologists like you. You’re not the only one who thinks commitment and keeping promises sucks. People like you? You don’t commit to your employees, your veterans, your debts, your aging mothers, or your attention spans. Commitment of any sort seems to be a dying thing. Stick-to-it-tiveness is suspect. How passé, how old school. How… limiting.

Personally, Eric Anderson I think the world needs MORE commitment. Maybe we’ll evolve to get some. Because surely we need commitment  and sacrifice to solve any major societal bugaboo facing us — national debt, global warming, Tori Spelling reality TV series.

We need people with GRIT. Instead we seem to be a nation of douchebags who need media/gaming rooms, granite countertops and more closet space (or have I been watching too much HGTV? ) The old shit is looking tired? Get new shit! You have 3G, you need 4G! Faster consumer cat, kill, kill!

Is your wife so very 2004? Time to upgrade. Oh, but you “love her,” so keep her. (Less costly that way. For her? What’s a few decades of her life and a scary pap smear or two? She has YOU!) Swap out sexual partners the minute one gets droopy or inconvenient. Rank them on Amazon! Yelp! Google map them! (Wow, there is willing pussy just .4 miles from my house!)

Eric Anderson if you are part of this Brave New Monogamy-Free World, thanks but no thanks. I’ll keep it old school over here with my faithful Luddite husband. Like our old monogamous ancestors, we choose quality and hang on to it until it dies.

This column ran previously. 

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  • I bet that husband 1.0 used that as one of his rationalizations…yea, “I love my family and dont want to break it up, so if Im satisfied by this sidefuck then its better for everyone !! Oh feel the love!! …maybe until he had to come home and lie to my face and see me struggling with kids/job/home while he stayed out doing oh-so-important things (fucking coworkers) while he assured me he was “working”- at that point, the justification for it likely changed to my overarching wifely badness that he suffered under.

    I remember the time he dropkicked a laundry basked across the house (screaming profanities) …because it was in the laundry room…on laundry day. Oh my wifely suckiness was legend.

    and he could never figure out why things didnt work for him..he wanted all the payoff of life commitments without the investment. He once introduced me to an older couple…he worked with the husband. He saw that they were so happy…he seemed to really envy them. I took a HUGE toke off my hopium pipe that he would see that this couple was kind, respectful, faithful and loving towards each other…when you invest in that, the payoff is a good relationship. No, he just seemed annoyed that someone had something he didnt. narc.

    • Unicorn. I hear you about cheaters wanting the payoff without the investment over time. My cheater ex wife loved puppies, new electronic gadgets, and clothes she hadn’t yet worn. Old dogs that needed some TLC, last year’s Apple laptop, or clothes that needed mending? Uh, no. What kind of drudge do you take her for?

      I’m betting a large percentage of chumps are, by contrast, “make do” folks, perhaps too much, sticking with an investment long after the “payoff” stops. Though I think that’s part of the whole “for better or worse” thing.

      • Mine, too, always wanted “new.” We were constantly looking at houses–let’s get a ‘better’ one, or trying to find an even more fantastic locale for vacations. He broke or threw away things that could have been recycled or gone to someone in dire circumstances.

        There is a subspecies of cheaters who have Upgrade Syndrome (separate from whether they actually upgrade–it is this constant shark-like desire to keep moving, in hopes of moving up or better or more prestigious).

        • I couldn’t help myself. I sort of feel bad. Not.

          Got to see my replacement tonight. Awesome job lol. She went home with guys at Ralph’s lol. Liars lie. Cheaters cheat. You. Her. Too bad you couldn’t have an adult conversation to end it with me rather than your cowardly bizarre way.
          How’d that work out for you lol?. And you thought you were bored then.
          Good job.
          You nailed it.

          ALSO, so a bumper sticker on a truck earlier today. It said “Let go or get dragged”. I started crying. It was so profound at the moment <3

      • Yes! Nomar. Too much stick-to-it-iveness. Not knowing where personal responsibility to a person or a situation ends to our own detriment. Abused people are used to abuse in all of their relationships.

          • That’s funny. The skirt I am wearing today is 22 years old……has now lasted longer than the marriage which just ended.
            I love this skirt.

          • Dr. Crazy’s online profile read “I want the love my parents had for 55 years.” Sweet thought but I’m sure his dad wasn’t screwing prostitutes in his mother’s bed, hooking up with the Adult Friend Finder neighbor, romancing on, “just having dinner” with an old girlfriend and rounding it all out with porn.

              • It’s possible. Dr. Crazy has been married and engaged MANY times. And we all end up dumping him. ?

              • Omg mine also said he wanted the same marriage his parents had cuz it was perfect -like AP, not me. Huh, go figure! His parents were good people. So what happened? He is divorced twice and his brother once, far. Something isn’t adding up. But I am no longer trying to figure out the skein – just glad I’m not in it anymore.

      • My ex always wanted the shiny, new thing, too. And then would precede to devalue it once acquired.

        He hated when people had the things he wanted.

        We had both replaced our cars within a year of each other – mine first, and I just loved mine (a Mini Cooper). When he was shopping for his (ultimately an Infinity), he turned to me and lamented that he wouldn’t be able to have a car that he loved as much as I loved mine because he knew the moment he bought it, it would be less awesome.

        (and I was too much of a Chump to project that onto myself (his new wife – now much less awesome)).

        And then he dismissed the whole dilemma of his latent dissatisfactions with an off-hand gesture to my quirky simplemindedness that I could still love something like a car even a year after I had bought it (poor simple me).

        (Which reminds me of a recent CL article about the ‘sophistication’ behind cheating.

        Poor Simple Chumps)

        • Dear God! They really are all the same. Mine was constantly buying new cars. And there was no rhyme or reason to what he bought. He went from an Accura to a Mercedes to a Honda sports car, to a Yaris to a Kia Sportage to a soft-top Jeep. The weekend before I served him with divorce papers he was making noise about wanting to go buy a Mini Cooper… and he of course bought a Porche as soon as he could after I served him with divorce papers and he moved out. I never got it…

          I remember once we were grabbing things at the grocery store, and he wanted to make some soup. In order to make this soup he would need to use the stick blender. We had a very nice stick blender, it just happen to be stored away in the attic after a remodel, so we would have to dig out the ladder and get it out. He wanted to buy a new stick blender, rather than take 4 minutes to dig out the one we had. It was one of those times I actually put my foot down on his craziness. I was like “What the hell? No we are not buying a new piece of equipment when we have a perfectly good one at home.”

          He literally pouted in the car the whole way home.

          • Major Cheaterpants bought a house with an interest only loan that the bank should never have given us (the kind of loan that caused the housing crash). The stove died and we went to Lowes to look at stoves. He found a cook top he liked but our kitchen had a STOVE…a cooktop $2000 would require new countertops($$$$) and new cabinetry$$$$. Our son was starting college and the economy was shaky.

            I told him we did not need to remodel a perfectly good brand new kitchen going tens of thousands of $ in debt …we just needed a stove. He was incensed and stormed out of the store. He went back later and bought the cheapest stove in town. It cooked. H was laid off a few months later and Im glad we didnt have the extra debt.

            The cheap ass stove outlived him. After I got a good income tax refund, I got all new appliances, but I still have the same countertops and cabinets.

    • This times 100!!!!! My sad sac cheater ex would just do the most vile selfish self destructive things and then cry and lament about how he just must be cursed and why everyone had it better than him. He wanted all the payoff of a good life with none of the sacrifice or delayed gratification needed to get there.

      • Yes, I think this is definitely part of their package deal of disorder. Knowing they are incapable of investing in another person, retirement fund, or even their future self is part of me understanding why Narkles the Clown will never be happy. He just doesn’t have it in him to delay gratification by playing the long game. Example, at divorce his retirement fund was between $5,000 & $11,000 depending on if you looked as his documents or the ones I submitted to the judge. Mine was at nearly $150,000. God bless my attorney for fighting for me to keep every penny I earned.

        Of course he would also say the traffic lights were conspiring against him if they turned red when he was trying to get somewhere. Honestly acted as if they were out to get him. Big mean traffic lights! LOL How did I live with that disorder for so long?

        • The one area where lateH seemed to be playing a good, patient long game was with his military career. He got a BS & Masters degree and stayed in for 20 yrs to get a retirement. He cultivated a professional reputation to help him get a good job after military retirement. As a military spouse, I invested MUCH of my own effort into this whole process.

          As much as he was childish and impatient in other areas, this one he seemed to be working well …….then….

          His OW was caught by her employer in their affair and because she was fucking the government customer, their whole company was at risk so she was fired. Major Cheaterpants used a HUGE slice of his professional capitol to get her a new job. About a year later, that same company had a FAB position he wanted to apply for which woul have made him OWs boss and we were living in the immediate fallout of the DDay bomb and I was not even willing to consider that.

          So his one area of maturity and planning was set aflame for a workfuck.

          • My ex too, invested well, heavily and consistently in his career. Ph.d. post-doc, many certifications, lots of overtime, then MBA…. Of course I supported and helped that investment in a million ways, which he felt entitled to. He was always annoyed by every job and every boss, and had inter-personal problems at work (narc arrogance), but because of his skills, he’s done well by job-hopping.

            So my conclusion was that he’s perfectly capable of investing. He just felt entitled not to invest in our relationship or our family, and to still get all the benefits and rewards. When I said that marriage requires some effort, he complained that he worked hard at school, he worked hard at work, he shouldn’t have to ‘work’ at his relationship! Later he even said that ‘a relationship should just flow, it shouldn’t require effort’!
            So of course now he’s so pissed, and says I’m ‘bitter and self-righteous’, because I took away those rewards and benefits.

          • My X was the OW boss, how do you think she got that job? I still can’t believe to this day that no one has reported them.

      • My hoish-half is much like what you described. He got booted out of the army after 14 years because he couldn’t make rank. Why? Couldn’t pass the PT test. I suggested for years that he run on the weekends and in the afternoon and quit smoking. Nope too hard. When the writing was on the wall I told him he needed to start looking for a job well before he was out. Nope. He ends up getting into trucking but doesn’t do well. I tell him he should look for a job when he’s off because it won’t work out. Nope. He gets fired, sits around for more than a month until we are almost out of money then finally gets a job. He complains about the pay. I tell him he should study when he’s off for his certifications. Nope.

        In the end, he always takes the easy way out. Looking back over our marriage, I felt more like his mother than his wife. I spent so much time holding things together. He told me before he left that he felt “inferior” to me because I had graduated from college and worked on open source software projects.

        Well, he’s right about being inferior to me anyway.

        • Enjoy some Military Karma in my story… Major Cheaterpants blamed me that he had to retire as a Major…I sucked and everyone done him dirty. I know of twice that he was forced to do an “anger mgmt” program but he never told me how/why he got in trouble.

          For him the problem was tall white guys, they got all the breaks.

          Meet my new husband…very tall, very white (neither a preference for me, I was open to love someone of any race or height), very Colonel.

          If only H1 could have lived to see it (I would have preferred that my kids not have to bury their dad) it would have bugged the shit out of him. If instead of H1 dying we had divorced and I had later taken up with Colonel Greatguy, I am absolutely sure that the narrative would have been “oh I see you got the tall while Colonel you always wanted” (ignore decades of cheating and abuse i subjected you to).

    • “Oh my wifely suckiness was legend.” Ha! Mine too. Every once in awhile, usually when I’m preparing one of his favorite recipes for my dinner, I wonder if the live-in fluffer makes him his favorite dinners too. Considering her lack of access to my family recipes, I doubt it. That makes me smile and the food taste that much better. And sometimes when I really want to revel in my suckiness I don’t hang my shirts all facing the same direction when I do laundry. That used to really ramp up the criticism. Damn it’s fun to let the suckiness flag fly. 😉

      • Beth, why can’t sucky wives do laundry “right”? LOL. Sometimes I now totally suck and put clothes in the dryer that he insisted needed to be hung-up. Do you know how much time I used to spend doing laundry to his liking? Fluffing clothes in the dryer for 5 mins to steam out the wrinkles and then hanging them up to dry? Do you know how much time and energy was spent going up and down the basement steps to do all this extra work? Yeah, I still hang-up some of the clothes, but so much more goes into the dryer now that I don’t have a controlling laundry task master! Within a week after getting married, I was told I didn’t laundry all wrong. This coming from a man who never did any laundry, because his mommy did it for him until he was 25-years old. So, I didn’t do it like mommy did it, so my way was wrong of course. And yeah, I was doing my own laundry since I was in grade school, so I think I had a little more experience the Mr. Entitled.

        And yeah, all my delicious homemade meals and baked goods/desserts I used to make for him and his entitled family. Go make your own food now!

        • I tend to make favorite and extra yummy things right before my child goes over for visitation. Ha Ha. Subtle, aint I?!!

        • My ex had this thing about all his shirts being hung facing left. God help me if I put one of his shirts on a hanger facing the wrong direction. Pouting for days!! But the rare times when he did some laundry (which of course I was supposed to be endlessly grateful for), all my shit faced every which way and was wrinkled to boot.

          I love the pre-visitation cooking! My kids were adults when we split so I never had to do that but I would’ve for sure!

          • That reminds me of that scene in “Sleeping with the Enemy” where the guy criticizes the wife because the hand towels are not hanging completely symmetrically. And look what happened to him ; ).

        • Martha, laundry was something I did really well but when I was devalued, even those skills were debased. One day I accidentally washed his uniform with a new towel resulting in little nibs of cotton on his stuff. I could have fixed it but he forbade me to touch his clothes as my punishment. I wonder how long after his rant he regretted it. In one of our 2 meager MC appointments, he told the MC that my laundry failure was one of the reasons he knew he had to divorce me. He should have divorced me for my cooking, not laundering. New husband cooks and does laundry

        • I’m not allowed to do laundry because my wife says I do it all wrong. One time I even washed a hoodie that she had spilled oil on. She flipped out without even having seen the end result. “You can’t just put that in the washer! The stain will set! Now you’ve ruined it!”

          It came out perfectly fine because, well, I’m not stupid. I hit it up with the pre-treatment and it worked as advertised.

          • Now I had quite the opposite reaction when it came to laundry. I was informed that doing laundry was a time. And how much time did I really spend on it anyway? The washer does all the work – all I have to do is throw it in the dryer. And once the dryer is done, why did I waste time hanging it up when the carpeting in the closet is just fine.
            When I left Judas did his own laundry – shoved as much as he could in the washer, threw it in the dryer and then threw it on the Cedar chest in the bedroom. He could CARE LESS if his clothes were wrinkled, or even really clean.
            When I informed him I was taking the cedar chest he told me he needed to buy a table then to throw laundry on. I said, “well, why don’t you just throw it on the floor?” His response: “Well, if it is on the floor, I will have to bend over then.”
            Good point fat fucker.

              • Well, geeze. While the laundry was going, I could clean the bathrooms. And then the kitchen floor that she just throws stuff on. Came home from work one day and she’s on the couch napping and there is a sour cream lid and about half a container of sour cream on the floor. I took a picture of it. Thinking of making her a calendar. “This is how I spend my time”. Then I cleaned it up.

                Apparently, part of the problem she has with me doing dishes is that it teaches my kids to have a poor work ethic. Dishes and laundry are their chores, you see. Sorry, my kids bust their asses at school (oldest has a full tuition scholarship) and if I can ease their load once in a while…I’ll do it.

      • Hmmm. I was not allowed to put food in the garbage disposal. You know the one–the one in the sink designed for the things you scrape off your plate to be ground into tiny pieces to be washed away? Yeah, that one. “It will just break something.”

        Hmmm. I bet Miss Plastic Parts puts whole hams down her garbage disposal and he wouldn’t dare saying ‘no’ to her.

        Doesn’t matter now–my garbage disposal and everything else is all my own. I’m still loving (and rocking) being The Boss of Me.

        • “I’m still loving (and rocking) being The Boss of Me” Exactly!! I don’t think I will ever tire of being The Boss of Me. 😀

        • Now I sometimes squeeze out the kitchen sponge very poorly! Sometimes I don’t crush things I put in the recycling! Sometimes I let my fork hit my teeth!

          Just because I can! And nobody will make the whole family miserable for hours because of it, anymore.

          Aaaah, feels so good to be narc free! This man yelled at me for over-filling our toddler’s sippy cup, WHILE I WAS IN LABOUR. Fucking asshole.

          • He couldn’t keep a job but you squeezed a sponge “improperly”? And you have bad sippy cup skills while simultaneously giving birth.

            Apparently my legendary sucky wife skills were shared by you. How can we live with ourselves?

            Full disclosure: new husband has some intense neat nick inclinations, but he hired me a cleaning service and a lawn guy so even with occasional whines from him, I’m still ahead.

      • That’s awesome about the cooking Beth. I actually just resumed cooking after 3 years. Adulterer LOVED my food. We didn’t have kids, so when he left, I just gave up on it. I love to cook and it’s nice to get back to my hobby.

        I should also add that when Xhole left, he copied his favorite recipes. I wonder if whore is making pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting for him after he runs his marathons (I had to make one just about every weekend in the fall/winter). One thing I am happy about is that I never wrote out the recipe for my Thanksgiving stuffing. He loved it and will never have it again. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

        • NoKibble….Hahahaha!. Douche Bag aka Skankboy LOVED my cooking, espeically my stuffing and banana bread……..too bad, STARVE!

          • NK4U & NMSB, same here, he loved my cooking. I loved to cook. He actually said to me after we separated how much he loved and missed X and would I make it for him sometime. Huh? I offered to give him the recipe, he could fucking make it for himself. Of course he didn’t want the recipe, to much work, for him, not me I guess. In the devalue stage he screamed at me once ‘I love to cook, you never let me cook’. Huh? Now his cooking consists of grilled protein of some sort and packaged coleslaw. Yep, you sure love to cook.

            • OMG! This is bringing back memories. I too “never let him cook.” Well, after the first few times of recovering from his overly greasy, salty, vegetable-free meals, I took over all my own cooking. He was free to continue cooking his own swill, but I was no longer going to be responsible for cleaning up his dishes. I mean, seriously, how the heck could he use EVERY pot and pan in the house to boil some potatoes and to cook a huge hunk of meat? I tell you, it was a feat of superb geometric skill cramming all those dishes and utensils into the kitchen sink so high that you couldn’t even turn the water on without splashing yourself.

              I am now living a delightful life … eating all the things I love without having to listen to my dinner-mate retch over the vegetables.

            • When mine “did laundry,” I’d find the contents of the dryer dumped in a heap on the bed for me to deal with and the contents of the washer left wet for several days (then needing rewashing because it stank) because he “forgot.”

              He “did dishes” in the same manner; dirty dishes were collected and left on the countetop directly above the dishwasher (which was empty because I emptied it) and the pots and pans left in the sink filled with water “to soak.” I’d wind up having to clean up after him and he would moan “I was GOING to do that!” or “You always restack the dishwasher anyway.” or “I guess I lose all my husband points because I don’t ever do it right!”

              After he left, I assesed how heavier my workload was going to be and came to the conclusion that there was VERY little change, as I already did it all!

              Miss you? No way, asshole; my life’s easier now!

              • Argh…this is bringing up all sorts of stuff I managed to forget. My ex HATED to empty the dishwasher so he wouldn’t do it. And it didn’t matter if the dishwasher was empty or full – he never put his dishes in it. Like yours, he left them on the counter directly. above. the. dishwasher. Seriously? One of the many things I love about living alone is only having to deal with my own dishes. And I put them in the dishwasher when they’re dirty so I don’t have to come home to a dirty kitchen.

          • Oh the stuffing! I make my Grandma’s sausage dressing recipe every Thanksgiving for the entire family. I make 6 double batches because everyone wants some to take home. I’m very old school – I cut up and dry my own bread rather than using the pre-made kind (I draw the line at making my own sausage). My ex LOVED that dressing. I’m sure the Fluffer is making it for him the same way. Hahahahahaha. Not.

        • x asked for copies of his favourite recipes. He got “crickets”. He then asked the kids for the copies I gave them , they both declined because I asked them not to give any information about me or my family to him including MY not HIS family recipes (all the recipes I’ve collected were from my ventures in cooking or from my aunts, brother, mom, grandmothers, grandfather, father, even great-grandmothers and Seems like such a trite and stupid thing to ask of my kids but after 22 years of him complaining that I wasn’t cooking, cleaning, servicing, maintaining, sexing, etc. well enough he can figure out how to cook his own frigging lasagna from scratch.

        • Ha! Exes family loved a lot of my recipes, especially my Thanksgiving ones. I’m sure Mommy Dearest is busy this year trying to figure out my stuffing recipe, homemade rolls, brine for the turkey, etc. Lazy Mommy Dearest who was more than happy to watch me slave over her and her family for over ten years even though I had really young children. And I’d tell ex Narc how I didn’t like being manipulated into having all but one holiday at our home and he’d listen and agree, but never did anything about it. Another red flag I missed. He didn’t care about me and was happy to watch me slave over him for over 20 years. Never again will I do this amount of work when I’m not in a reciprocal relationship. A bunch of using asshole!

    • Payoff without investment! Yes. Cheaters are all about I mmediate gratification and the shallow, selfish pursuit of pleasure at their family’s expense.

      • x’s current gf is the “wife” I never was. I was the worst wife because I “didn’t take care” of his “every need”, which really means that he was not sucking me dry of kibble. I started bringing consequences to his mistreatment of me and he didn’t like that. Tough sh*t, that wasn’t a marriage, it was an indenture.

        • My ex actually said to me post D-day, “You never took good care of me!” WTF?! My whole life was about taking good care of him and the kids! He never once did ANY housework, laundry, meal planning, Spring Cleaning, dry cleaning, basement or garage cleaning. I did most of the gardening/trimming all by myself for 15 years. I made 99.99% of all the meals, including everything for the kids. He came home each night from work with a clean house and dinner on the table. In the early years of our marriage, I paid the bills and took care of both cars maintenance. I planned the majority of our vacations. I took care of EVERYTHING for holidays and birthdays, including making sure people were sent cards. I scratch my head, thinking what more could I have done for this fucking jerk? Maybe I was supposed to jump in the shower with him each day? He could masturbate while I scrubbed his whole body and wash his hair. Then I’d towel him off, comb his hair and shave his face. I’d lovingly dress him and put him in clean clothes. I’d then send him off to work with a kiss and tell him to enjoy morning before work coffee with Tim Whoretons Coffee Snatch and have a nice lunch with ho-worker!! And enjoy your time socializing with all the ho-workers, too, when you are actually supposed to be working! And don’t forget to check your calendar to make sure you send out Happy Birthday messages to all the former female ho-workers!

          Suck it, Jeffrey Dahmer!

    • Oh yes. I was hands down the worst wife imaginable. Can you believe that I once, when he was unemployed, did not do the laundry or the dishes? And had the audacity to tell him to find a job?

      He remembers my suckiness well. It’s been one year since divorce and he just sent me a text to remind me of it last month.

  • I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of being a scientific outlier (freak?) in my life. If anything, more evidence that I’m unique/special in a world that’s apparently rampant with deception and dishonesty.

    But lest you think I am devoid of raging sexual appetite, let me just observe that Chump Lady has upped her sexiness quotient with the casual Russ Meyer reference. I may not fat any work done today. 🙂

    • You are indeed a scientific outlier in this study, as is, apparently, every man who posts on or reads this site. Your glee is infectious in the best kind of way. Nope, not a freak. Like all the other men here, just a good guy. 😉

  • I can’t believe this imbecile Eric Anderson would compare a college “break up” with a Divorce after a long term marriage. Or even a short term marriage, for that matter.

    There is a special word for a marriage dissolution because it is a unique situation. That he even attempts to use them as like examples is ridiculous.

    I had a couple of college breakups. Some I initiated, some the guy did. The story goes something like this: You realize you just aren’t that into your bf/gf. You walk over to their dorm room or apartment, you say I don’t want to see you anymore. They get a little upset, maybe a lot upset. You leave. You avoid them around campus. The end. Depending on the relationship, you may or may not feel some pain.

    Even the simplest divorce involves legalities, finances, living arrangements, family and in-laws. Not to mention houses and children. On top of any emotional stress dealing with the failure of your most important relationship. And for many, religious issues, as well.

    Like I said, this guy is an idiot. False equivalency.

    • It’s like my “there is a form for that” metric. If someone bothered to create a form for something, then it is nominally important in some way. Buying a house – there is a form for that. Requesting a copy of your medical records – yep – there’s a form for that.

      There is no college break-up form. You just sort of announce your intentions (or not… just ghost) and get on with life.

  • Monogamy fails to provide a lif time of sexual fulfillment? Interesting assumption. I would disagree here as well. Monogamy can be VERY sexually fulfilling for an entire lifetime. Besides, I deny the assumption that monogamy is only worthwhile for the sex.

    • Agreed! I laugh every time I hear the monogamy isn’t natural crap. Actually God created us to be with one person for life. Infedilty is what’s not natural. Monogamy is very natural and very fulfilling. The world has perverted it. IMHO.

      • God invented sex…He knew how our genitals, minds and hearts would work millennia before any of us were formed form the goo of the earth.

        Sex is natural, unitive and meant to be relished.

        When discussing sex with my adult daughter, one thing I included was the reality that sex opens us up to disease. If we have a monogamous partner this wont cause us risk…sex with everyone up and down the road (while possible and still natural) might give is some very natural disease. The nature of female anatomy makes us very vulnerable to STDs and I dont think God intended for us to walk around being hot houses of biohazards.

        You know that sex act that you do to your man as a selfless act of love that they really super duper like? When I was dating after H1 died, I never did that with any man I, it was too intimate and for me I had to know that his man parts were uninfected and monogamous before I went to that level. My sweet loving faithful husband gets all sorts of treats that his friends would envy if he were the “kiss and tell” sort, but he isnt…just know that smile on his face is from love shared in monogamy.

    • Monogamy is as much about sex as cheating is.
      Its about the ability or inability of people to form trustful relationships.

    • Yes, DM. In fact, studies have shown that women in long-term, committed relationships enjoy sex more than their younger, single counterparts. There’s something about knowing a person intimately emotionally and spiritually that adds a dimension to sexuality that hook-ups can never recreate.

      But even this doesn’t matter. I was a spontaneous, sexy, eager sexual partner for years — but porn always planted newer and edgier ideas and eventually even the most exciting flesh and blood partner can’t live up to those unrealistic expectations.

      Happy to report that my picker has been fixed and now my wonderful husband is enjoying my body as his own personal jungle gym. LOL And image this — not even a twitch when he gets a glimpse of my stretch marks or my wiggles and jiggles! Who knew it could be so good?!

      • STDs are proof that monogamy is the better way and the natural way. If promiscuity multiplies the risk of STDs which cause most infertility problems, there is no natural selection advantage with promiscuity at all.
        As for the survival and success of the offspring, two committed parents who put their kids first but are kind and respectful of each other and model a loving relationship give their kids the best odds too. Those who say otherwise are trying to sell you something : porn, prostitutes, gold diggers, needy fucked up whores of both sexes, idiot academics who want to be trendy, fuck buddy app merchants. There’s the RIC, but there is also the infidelity industry complex.

  • I offer up my ex-husband for dissection to all the scientists who would like to study his DNA. My ex said it was “a part of his DNA” to be a cheaterpants and pathological liar.

    And this intellectuals book has 13 pretty poor reviews on Amazon and Tracy’s latest book has 116 five star reviews. I’d say his book and ideas are pure rubbish.

  • CL, you rock, as usual. My usually right-on therapist actually handed me this piece of bullshit. I was so shocked I just sat there nodding. Next time I see him I think I’ll hand him your post.

  • Have to agree here with Divorce Minister. Sex doesn’t grow old in a good relationship. Our sex life was good right up till ex started sleeping with his someone else. Then it sucked but I couldn’t quite figure out why, until Dday. Looking back, true intimacy was always missing because I was with someone who didn’t appreciate “same” but wanted “new.” When you are with a Cheater you feel their absence and lack of reciprocity and love doesn’t grow. I do know this, I can be everything to the man who loves me. I imagine sex will be a thousand times better with someone who has character.

    • Why don’t you post your home address and phone number, dude, so I can come over to your place and you can say that shit.

      Congratulations, not only are you a selfish fuckturd, you’re also so pathetic you have to waste your Saturday night anonymously taunting abuse victims. Fuck you, you scrotum-faced smegma-man.

  • Well I am a scientist. I have a PhD. I am also a female and a fully paid up Chump!!

    Put his work in the UBT and it comes up with I’ll write anything that I think will make me money. End of.

    It would at least have been honest if it were titled A book of excuses so weak men can fuck easy women and fool a trusting chump.

  • You know how we know this is bunk, because the missing piece is HONESTY!

    If my cheater ex had told me in the beginning “I will not be faithful, I will watch porn Daily and neglect you and my obligations, text random girls I meet on hook up sites, cheat with coworkers, meet strangers I don’t even know for sex, lie to you with no remorse, and be shitty to you while doing it because deep down I know it’s wrong and my anger at YOUR goodness will piss me off because it challenges my own view of telling myself I am a good person, but hey, wanna get married?” there would have been a Beachgirl shaped hole in the wall that I bolted thru to get away.

    No much better to let me waste the best years of my life “discovering” these things only to leave me when I got too difficult demanding the things I was promised in front of God and family.

  • I have a PhD.

    Eric Anderson thinks Cake is Delicious.

    Sounds like bullshit to me.

    Letting my freak flag fly.

  • Well gosh Mr. Anderson, your theory seems to have some serious flaws here. My STBX cheated on me and never made a move to end our marriage but kept giving me the “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” speech so I’m a bit confused. Perhaps you could elaborate.

    According to you, he cheated on me because he loved me. But he kept telling me DIDN’T love me. At least not in the sense that would require him to have any sort of accountability or commitment to our marriage. Then he said he wanted a divorce but never did anything to actually make this happen so I would keep thinking that there was a chance he wanted our marriage to work. That sounds more like cake-eating to me, but then I don’t have a degree in douche-baggery analysis so I could be incorrect in my assessment.

    Also your theory on monogamy has me scratching my head. He’s the one that cut off the sex not me. I actually love sex and missed it quite a bit when he unilaterally made the decision that there would be no more physical contact. But even when this unwanted situation was forced upon me, I never once looked outside of our marriage for a secondary source. Does this monogamy thing only apply to men? If so, is there an appendix in your book for sexually-frustrated wives who are forced into celibacy by their own values and commitment to their marriages?

    I’m really just trying to understand the dynamics of the cheater’s world here because while I’m done trying to pick the brain of the man who abandoned his wife and child in pursuit of his own happiness, I want to make sure that I don’t make the same mistake again and trap some poor, hapless man with my monogamy, loyalty, love and devotion.

  • The justifiers of cheating always confuse polyamory and cheating. It’s a gaslighting move. If I can get you arguing about whether or not sex with a single partner is natural, then I can keep you busy with that and I don’t have to deal with whether my dishonesty should have consequences, let alone what those consequences might be.

    • YES YES YES @amiisfree — KK personified. Her attitude was “If you can’t handle my sudden sexual sophistication, that’s your problem. Go do some work on that.”

      • I think hub must have read that book. Or he wrote it. Or his whore did. So much yes. I am “too rigid”, he can love more than one person, I am all alone on my “moral high ground” I told him (before 100% no contact) that he used to stand on that moral high ground WITH me, so what happened? He’s in love with both of us. Or many more, I’m not sure. But he won’t go to therapy OR repair the damage he caused to our 25 year marriage because he needs to take a “solo journey” to “find himself”. But he didn’t want the divorce that I initiated. He wanted to still be friends and have a “home” when he felt like coming over. Because he “loves me and always will” Trying to decipher his delusional word salad, full of false hope and mixed messages, literally drove me crazy. No contact has helped my sanity more than anything. Oh, and his DNA also is to blame for it all-and I should have known 25 years ago that I’d become collateral damage at some point in the future.

        • “Too Rigid” was never an insult one could hurl at STBX. HA HA HA Dixie Chump is spitting lunch all over the keyboard … she cracks herself up. 🙂

          • LOL, yea, mine too had to get the little blue pill, or yellow or whatever color it was. Used it with his HO, she thought it was great that she “had her legs at a 90 degree angle for over a hour” Wounder what she thinks about that now?!!

        • Right? Well then, sir, you go ahead and love me and lots of other people. And, while you are doing that, I will be divorced from you and living my life waaaaaaaay over here, because I choose a different life. Buh bye.

  • I’m one who usually tries to find a thoughtful or rational response to points of view that I disagree with before I fall back to generalized insults. Particularly if it’s an attempt at an “intellectual” point of view. Not that I’m always successful in holding back, mind you.

    However, this guy’s argument is fucking ridiculous and he’s a fucking moron.

    Maybe we’re not wired for monogamy, but I do think we are wired to pick up on bullshit excuses from people who act like assholes – because my internally wired bullshit meter is going off.

    • There’s plenty of shit people aren’t wired for but that’s the difference between us and the animals. We can make choices! I want to kill people sometimes (I ALMOST picked up a knife and stabbed STBX when we were arguing once) and I want to steal things (uh I’m a poor STBX and those things are pretty and expensive!) I want to eat until I throw up! BUT I stop myself. I think I look at the idea. I act rationally and stop myself. Imagine that! You AREN’T 100% carried by feelings and urges and shit. You can make a choice! Huh! Imagine that! Control! And it doesn’t even have to involve manipulation! Or using someone for your own selfish gains! ?

  • Dr. Eric Anderson, Chief Science Officer – Ashley Madison and Professor of Sexualities, Masculinities and Sport at the University of Winchester.

    In August, 2014 Prof. Anderson was to present a paper at the American Sociological Association conference in San Francisco whose title borrows Ashley Madison’s slogan: “Life is Short, Have an Affair: Middle-Age Women and Extra-Marital Affairs.”

    In it, he analyzes covertly observed conversations between 100 women on the site and their potential male partners, and claims to show the women do this not because they are unhappy with their husbands or wish for divorce, but simply because of “a lack of romantic passion and sex in their marriages.”

    One leading sociologist who was attending the ASA conference, dismissed the Ashley Madison research as “unethical,” “ridiculous” “crap.”

    “This is not research,” said Robert Andersen, chair of sociology at the University of Toronto. “It is embarrassing for serious sociologists to see this crap. It wasn’t published for good reason.”

    After reviewing the paper, he said the data collection was unethical, and the analysis was “obviously geared towards finding results that he wants.”

    The sample is “biased towards those who cheat but want to stay married, though the results are presented as reflecting the attitudes and behaviours of all cheaters,” Prof. Andersen said. “Most important, there is no indication that their sample is even representative of the Ashley Madison population. That is, there is no indication that it was a random sample.”

    Source: National Post, August 15, 2014

  • Geez I wonder what scientific method Dr. Anderson used to collect and analyze his data. I’m sure it was rigorous and repeatable (sarc).

    I get so frustrated at these arses constantly telling us that men are victims of their sexual drives. Once that demon desire possesses them it is impossible for them to use their fore brains to decide their fate. I know many amazing men who are able to determine the path of their lives without resorting to destruction and deception. I find this crap insulting to the wonderful men in my life.

  • Eric Anderson is a tosser. From his faculty webpage, “I believe that rigorous research, combined with media-dissemination, can promote health, equality, and democracy for our citizens.”

    Want to know the ‘rigorous’ research upon which the book is based? “…the book draws on 120 interviews of university men.” That’s right, folk–his sample is 120 horny undergraduate men who have never been married.

    The kinds of inferences he makes from a VERY limited subsample of people are a stretch (to put it mildly). If I were grading this as a undergraduate research project, it would receive an F.

    • I had the same reaction! But I don’t have the training to critique social science research.

      I wonder what someone would need to do to rigorously test the hypothesis that a majority of straight men truly want emotional commitment and sexual variety. I’m guessing thousands of subjects of different ages, relationship histories, ethnic, cultural, and socio-economic statuses, in multiple locations?

      • I don’t have a huge (nor an entirely representative) sample, but have taken a semi-anonymous poll in my developmental psych class for years which shows that most men also want a balance of career and family. [Haven’t had the courage to ask the monogamy question, but perhaps I will.]

      • Apparently just from my experience married men 100% want emotional stability and sexual variety. That’s even what STBX said. He would like to stay here and still fuck around w/ OW. Keep in mind (yes I’m a big ol’ whore salad myself!) I’ve been sleeping with him off and on since d-day. And he claims to love the whoremat (found out that little tidbit today. Sex is stopping). Really?! You love her but still want to have sex with me?! He even said if he could he’d like sleeping around but would always choose me to come home to because he knows there’s nothing better out there. So WHY?! Stupid dumb fuck! Not that any of this matters. He’s leaving on Saturday to move in with the whoremat and once that door is closed its NOT reopening. It’s a NC door. Door closes. NC! ????✌?️

  • They are not choosing to stay with you for real love and have a little fun on the side. They are working like crazy to hide their actions from you. Dishonest betrayal and treachery plain and simple. They could put their time and energy into their marriage and family instead. They choose not to.

    They choose nefarious activity instead of benevolent. They work hard not to get caught. Once they are busted they try to maintain cake and avoid consequences but know an upstanding woman will kick them out sooner or later.

    They deliberately try to bamboozle their mate, lying and sneaking and denying. They just want new. And go from one relationship to the next pledging faithfulness but never intending to keep that vow. If they fail to understand or are unwilling to explore the worthwhile benefits of a lifelong commitment, they should not be getting married!

  • It was terrible. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. ‘Magine that. It was just so mean of me to trap my stupid cheater ex into marrying me and making him say words he didn’t mean in front of our family and friends and God. Yep. Totally trapped him. Forced him to stay with me for 12 years AND have a child together. I’m horrible. It gets worse too. I had EXPECTATIONS of him and I allowed him to have expectations of me because…marriage vows. I totally expected him to be faithful to me as I was to him. Look how powerful I am!!!

    Seriously if I was THAT powerful, I’d have made him be the man I needed and wanted. I would not have made him cheat and leave the family he created with me.

    Monogamy is the state in which God intended us to live. Coupled together. Love grows through commitment. Stability and security too. Its hard to focus because I’m at work. Whether it is a civil or religious ceremony, I’m pretty sure the requirements are the same..commitment to the one person standing there with you. Period. If you aren’t into that, don’t even do it. Kinda feel like I’m preaching to the choir….

    • See, the thing we are all ignoring here is that marriage, and subsequently child visitation, get in the way of important life goals that go WAY beyond just fucking around. Finding the perfect craft beer, for example. From that fact alone it is rather simple to see monogamy as subversive.

  • It’s WRONG period! Why? Because God says it is!!! There is just no excuses for sinning against God and we all have the spirit of self control within us. People who do this, even support it will reap the consequences, consequences far greater then the earthly ones will fall upon them all of their lives and in death AND for eternity. The only way around this is to agree with God in this, repent and make amends to those that were hurt and destroyed, if they don’t do that, God will do it!

    We Reap what we Sow, know this!

  • “Anderson suggests that monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of sexual fulfillment.” Life fails to do a lot of things that we want, folks, but that doesn’t give us free reign to be an entitled jerk. Let’s rephrase and see if it holds water:

    “Anderson suggests that parenthood is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of restful nights and clean sofas.”

    “Anderson suggests that eating is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of grass-fed, bacon-wrapped filet mignon and creme brûlée at every meal.”

    “Anderson suggests that living is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of non-stop bliss.”

    Get real, jackass.

  • Chump PhD candidate in a humanities field:

    I’ll start by playing devil’s advocate: straight men who want polyamorous relationships and are honest about it have far fewer options on the dating “market” than straight men who want monogamous relationships (and liars) have. So it’s tempting to be dishonest with oneself and others. Maybe if social science research reliably demonstrated that most grown straight men want polyamorous relationships, I would accept that we need to examine monogamy more critically.

    But I’m not prepared to do so on the basis of qualitative interviews with 120 male college students (a preponderance of whom appear to be high-status athletes, though I didn’t confirm this). For Pete’s sake, they’re college students! Should we also revise our cultural norms about alcohol consumption in light of these subjects’ behavior?

    I would love to hear what some chumps in social science fields have to say about Anderson’s research. Seems agenda-driven to me, but I’m not qualified to comment on rigor.

    And I know, I know, the experience of most people on this site suggests that cheating by adults is about far darker and scarier things than simply getting one’s sexual needs met. My experience suggests the same. I agree with CL that we have a character problem. But I also want to take arguments about a monogamy problem seriously, if only to debunk some of them and focus attention on where it belongs.

    • Very much agreed. I will add that too many people try to make a strictly biological argument in a social context. Humans consistently prove that we can and will overcome biology at every opportunity. And you don’t have to be an anthropologist to roll your eyes at the quality of data in this case…

  • “Anderson suggests that monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of sexual fulfillment. Cheating becomes the rational response to an irrational situation.” And another rational response to his rational response might be to go all Lorena Bobbitt on his ass, which will most assuredly provide a lifetime of Asexual fulfillment!

    Humorous side note: If you misspell Bobbitt the spell check prompts you, whereas the correct spelling of her name is in there. Because people have needed to use her name in discussions such as this one!! LOL!

  • “…it is men’s sexual dissatisfaction rather than any emotional one which propels them to have sex with others.”

    Well, then maybe stop fapping to porn all the time. That’s a choice, too.

    • OMG! This x 1,000! If men stopped with the porn! They’d realize women aren’t Little Caesar’s hot n’ ready pizzas. They’d last longer in bed and not want weird ALL THE TIME! They get bored because they need something new and interesting all the time from looking at that crap! And it rots their brains!

  • And men like to kick the crap out of idiots that reinforce societies stupid theories. I was faithful for 28 years! And I actually had a few desperate women who were married offer up their companionship. It’s all about character as CL as stated so many times before. So what’s the excuse for all the cheating women? He should do another in-depth study and write a book about it. Wait I know the generalized answer. Men don’t love their wives correctly! Not enough attention, compliments and we just weren’t emotionally connected to them. Just more BS that society uses to justify people’s shitty behavior and treatment of others.

      • You will find an equal number of cheating women making similar justifications for cheating. It is not about gender. It is character,as you state.

        • I was in that boat. STBX neglected me and our sex life wasn’t as good as it could have been. We had sex. He just felt is was pity/obligation sex because I wasn’t feeling loved. Well guess what. Even with his half assed love I LOVED him 100%. Even now on the verge of the end of everything and even after d-day and all the shit in between I still love the bastard! Never cheated! ☹️

  • Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!!!!! I am so sick of these pacifier-sucking, emoticon-using, excuse-making men/children who think they’ve come up with an ACCEPTABLE reason for cheating! (This does not include all the fully evolved male chumps on this site – you guys are awesome!)

    “Monogamy fails to provide a lifetime of sexual satisfaction”? My grandfather was a hardworking farmer who had a few more worries than if his dick was well-tended. This was a man who was up at 4:00am everyday tending animals and growing food to support his family and feed America. Maybe if these infants had more to do than sitting around with their phone in one hand, playing some ridiculous video game, and the other down their pants, like a three-year-old, they wouldn’t have to worry about juggling whores.

    “Monogamy fails to provide a lifetime of sexual satisfaction”? You got that right, Eric Anderson, you fucking asshat. That goes both ways, douche. Twenty seconds of thrusting sure doesn’t do it for most women. If their husbands would put 1/4 of the thought and effort into a sexual encounter as they did choosing their Mortal Combat crew, they’d probably have a more satisfying sex life. But it’s just easier to move on to some strange.

    They stay with their wives because of a “deep emotional connection”? Got news for you. If, in fact, these men had a deep emotional connection to their wives, they would find it impossible to cheat. That deep emotional connection is what keeps people from betraying someone they love. Real love stops you from ever doing anything that will hurt your loved one. With a cheater, there is never an emotional connection. There is never real love. There is only entitlement and the emotional maturity of a three-year-old. “I want what I want when I want it!!”

    I find it very sad and bewildering how childish everyone has become. Men of my father’s and grandfather’s generations were men, in every sense of the word. I know there was cheating back then, but they didn’t leave their families for Schmoopie and then post about it on Facebook. This election is a perfect example of how absolutely ridiculous we’ve become. No one is respectable anymore. It’s just so sad.

    • This this this! This so hits the problem right where it lives. my cheater ex was always “busy” with video games, porn, watching Souark repeats, and napping! Maybe if he had occupied himself with the grown up responsibilities (that always fell to me) he wouldn’t have so much time to think of ways to cheat. He always accused me of being “boring”. By boring he meant going to work, paying bills, scheduling our lives and wanting grown up companionship then, yup, I was boring.

    • Great post!

      I also think it is necessary to add that not only are your observations not against ALL men but that the same observations could apply to women who see nothing wrong with making moves on men they know are married, or just having random sex with men they know virtually nothing about. Back in my far distant youth when feminism first became a hot topic to associate with what is or is not acceptable behavior for women, I read several women’s views that it was now “alright” to act just like “men” had “always” acted and have sex with whoever they wanted to whenever they wanted to. I never thought that was “alright”, and the consequences of such behavior, for men and women, were terrible for both men and women and society in general.

      Our social system pays a stiff price for the health problems and costs of dealing with STD’s and other deadly diseases, and unwanted pregnancies. Dissolving a marital union/partnership is often expensive and usually detrimental to some degree for all parties involved, especially the children. There is nothing “sophisticated” about being promiscuous. Men and women who act selfishly and think spending their time seeking sexual encounters outside of their officially “monogamous” relationship is “natural” are simply fooling themselves. It is hardly an act of “love.”

      In addition — you note that your parent and grandparent’s generation had a lot of work to do, and the fruits of their labor was very beneficial to their family and society in general. I believe that the time that is “saved” by the use of technology should be spent on further improving the quality of our lives. I don’t think the creation of electricity and the internet was intended to provide time for men and women to watch/engage in porn or random sexual encounters. Our work may not be as physically taxing as it used to be, but that doesn’t mean we should spend our extra energy on activities that Caligula would approve of.

      If we don’t learn how to live with character and dignity, and how to live up to our commitments to others, both men and women can expect a total disintegration of our social structure and life as we know now will soon be over.

      • Portia, I agree about living with character and dignity. I remember telling my husband that we had made a commitment and that sometimes when feelings wane you just have to hang in there and keep working because of that commitment. He got really mad and told me to stop “lecturing” him on commitment. What I was actually trying to do was explain how I’d hung in all those years during times I felt less connected to him. Some people just can’t grasp that concept, or want to pretend they don’t understand it.

        • I even told my STBX I fell out of love with him. Because I had earlier in the relationship. But then I fell in love again! It can happen. STBX thinks excitement and sex is “in love” he doesn’t realize that long term relationship is NOT sex and excitement and thinks he and the whoremat are “in love” yeah. No. Sorry. Texting for 5 months is not IN LOVE. Its sex and excitement! I want them to crash and burn so badly! ??????

    • Apparently, infidelity is not supposed to be taken personally. STBX flat out told me, “It’s not about you. Don’t take it personally.”

      He robbed me of my truth, blew up my present and robbed me and daughter’s future. He shared deep, intimate things about me and our relationship with a stranger. Excuse me, but I take all of that very fucking personally!!!

    • “Real love stops you from ever doing anything that will hurt your loved one. With a cheater, there is never an emotional connection. There is never real love. ”

      So true!

    • They stay with their wives because of a “deep emotional connection”? Got news for you. If, in fact, these men had a deep emotional connection to their wives, they would find it impossible to cheat. That deep emotional connection is what keeps people from betraying someone they love. Real love stops you from ever doing anything that will hurt your loved one. With a cheater, there is never an emotional connection. There is never real love. There is only entitlement and the emotional maturity of a three-year-old. “I want what I want when I want it!!”
      Perfectly put. Awesome posts today chumps!

  • Ask any prostitute how’s it going “living the life” and you will know the truth of this man’s study. They have a new “one” every day. Oh wait, they have 10 or more “new ones” every day because they really, really love men.

  • No, CL you are not watching too much HGTV: “We need people with GRIT. Instead we seem to be a nation of douchebags who need media/gaming rooms, granite countertops and more closet space (or have I been watching too much HGTV? ) The old shit is looking tired? Get new shit! You have 3G, you need 4G! Faster consumer cat, kill, kill!” In fact, you have moved through the HGTV danger zone to a complete understanding of its brainwashing aspect. I love looking at houses and watching renovations–all of it. But there came a point when one too many vapid twenty-something emoted about the granite being all wrong and the cavernous shower in the master “en suite” was too small and the hardwood floors were too wide/thin/dark/light/shiny. Don’t get me wrong; I still watch it. But I realized that watching it long enough inoculates you against the urge for the newest. Granite was fine ten minutes ago; now it must be marble or quart. Pretty soon–moonrock. The network shows itself to be one long commercial for ripping everything in your home out ever 3-4 years and keeping up with the trends. All of those shiny new fireplaces with the tile going to the ceiling will look as dated in 5 years as the faux stone ones do to the folks on House Hunters. The historic mantles in Victorian home? Still cool. I’m already pretty vintage here in my little cottage, but I have no intention of going full HGTV on anything, including the people in my life.

  • Some people kick their pets. They LOVE their pets. You can tell they love their pets because they say they love their pets. And, anyway, if they didn’t love their pets, instead of kicking them, they would take them to the shelter or abandon them on a road somewhere.

  • Ugh. They’re everywhere, aren’t they? I can’t think of a thing to say except, point made like Zorro’s rapier accross Anderson’s man-boobs. Now I have to go vomit.

  • My ex claimed he had a “high sex-drive”… The qualities he saw in me were that I’d be a “good wife and good mother”… The reason he cheated was that it made him feel “desirable and attractive to have the attention of other women”, but he “really only loved” me…

    The reason he didn’t tell me the truth about his inability to be a one-woman man? Because he knew that no informed, rational woman would be willing to commit to a marriage under those conditions!!

    NEWSFLASH! If you can’t grasp the concept of monogamy, don’t lie about it with someone who does!! Look elsewhere for someone who “understands” you, so you can “satisfy your sexual fulfillment” uninhibited and in an honest manner. Don’t creep around in the land of monogamy because your purported “love” and “emotional bond” doesn’t mean jack shit there!!

    • In other words, you were useful to his entitled self, AND he didn’t care enough about your useful self to inform you and give you choices. HE had freedom to do whatever he wanted; you, not so much. That’s not love.
      What an ass. What a self-centered, abusive prick.

  • The Coward straight up told me he cheated because he NEVER loved me. So I don’t know what all those college boys surveyed for the rigorous study are thinking, but it doesn’t compute.
    Also I don’t care WHY anyone would cheat on me. It isn’t any sort of love like the kind I want. So there’s the door.

  • This all comes down to being *noble*. To be grateful for what you have – your spouse – your kids – your family – your lifestyle, and decide that this is enough. This is what true love is about and is unparalleled.

    Cheaters aren’t noble. They are empty. They go with the flow. They married us because that was the sophisticated thing to do. They cheated on us because that was the sophisticated thing to do.

    Their masks are all transparent to me now. Scam me no more.

    • SCA, I am yet to meet a reformed scammer ! From my own personal experience they scam until they day they die. What little joy I get out of my ex who is 64 years old being with a 24 year old is that she is scamming him way more than he ever scammed me and he genuinely believes that she loves him just for himself and not his bank book. What goes around, comes around. Poetic justice I say.

  • Well, I guess my ex almost loved me to death! I wondered today if it still excites him to sleep with multiple women since I left. You know he had tp get a high on the deceit.

    • I wish the ex hadn’t loved me so much. Or better yet, had loved me (or cared enough) to respectfully exit the marriage before he decided to pursue another relationship. I certainly didn’t feel loved with the way he did things. Especially when reading his words to her about how much more love he felt for her than he had ever felt for me.

      • don’t believe his hype. He is in love with duping women. That is it. A person just doesn’t fall in love this many damn times.

  • Great post! My H did a similar run. Loved me to the core supposedly but needed excitement and new sexual adventures. He pushed, I accommodated. Then eventually dating new people was what he wanted. What the heck! As you can imagine, took only 3 years but unraveled our 18 year relationship. It is all about new, new food, new places, shows, concerts and women.

    We’ve all played a big cost for it and it’s sad but I’m moving on. I’ve learned a lot about myself. And am slowing learning that it’s ok for me to walk away from it and not feel bad for not accommodating until there is nothing left.

    I wish there was a screening to identify the people with this tendency before you marry them! I had no idea!!! But I have two beautiful kids and am otherwise happy so I’ll keep taking a step each day. A step in the other direction!!!

    • “…am slowing learning that it’s ok for me to walk away from it and not feel bad for not accommodating until there is nothing left.”

      Great insight, Moving on. I also felt like I’d become a shell of my former self. Always twisting myself into a pretzel to accommodate someone who couldn’t figure out what he needed to be happy.

      • Yes I am making sure I am not becoming this. I was a very strong self assured woman. My husband is afraid because I have choices in men. They are still trying hard after 15 years of marriage. I am all into him….but once in awhile I will let him see me go out alone looking my best. It keeps him occupied and wondering. Because if he is so super secure I am not attractive to other men, he will begin to bore, and he may begin looking elsewhere. Now my method may not be foolproof BUT I do know that the times I show him he will not be leaving me with no options, he remembers and wakes up a bit. For us women it is our nature to settle down, gain weight, cook for him and do lots of things for him to make his life comfy. And these things do make his life comfy but somehow he grows accustomed to these things and becomes numb to them. His eyes start to stray for that other woman who does none of these things and he sees looking nice daily… the secretary. One day skip dinner and put on a nice form fitting dress, grab a clutch and be leaving right when he is coming in….let him see what other men will. Let him find his own dinner that night. You can be going out with girlfriends. Only do it like once every two months. Don’t make it a weekly thing lol he will get too jealous.

  • What also bugs me about this is there’s a HUGE different between attachment (needing someone) and love. Between feelings and sensations of love and BEING LOVING. (Please excuse the caps, I know I’m shouting, this riles me so much.) To me, honesty is part of love as an action. Considering someone’s welfare is loving. Offering them a choice as to what lifestyle they are engaged in is loving. The kind of love Eric Anderson is talking about is POSSESSION. If you want the benefits of a committed lifestyle, sorry, but that takes giving up some individual freedoms. By definition. Otherwise: See Polyamory or Swinging. Legit choices.

      • My X needs that lesson. The fact I let her quit her job after our 1st was born and then again at a point she hated work wasn’t love apparently. The fact I got up every day and worked a job that i really didn’t like, not love. Taking care of finances or household chores. Not love. Cooking and washing after working all day. Not love either. Love would be telling her how awesome she was at doing absolutely nothing all day, every day! Me, I made the decision to love every day despite the faults in my eyes. Every day!

        • They know nothing about love, they just want a fan club following them around.
          They need their courtiers and courtesans and they can’t receive and appreciate love. Or anything else for that matter.

    • I agree that those are legit choices but not really fair to spring on someone 8+ years into a marriage so depends on when. Still better than a cheater and I acknowledge that but doesn’t leave you with that many more options. And yes, this guys approach is maddening.

  • I’m embarrassed that I share the same gender with this entitled POS. Don’t get married then and ruin other people’s lives because of your need for the next next thing. 20 year old Eddie Bauer flannel still looks good and keeps me warm every winter. X stop doing that along time ago (the warm part).

  • If only social scientists would look into where all that ‘love’ got these cheaters after years of deception.

    It’s not a pretty picture after all. What was the reward in the end?

  • There’s a massive black hole of cheater justification between the stats and the “convincing argument” and “clear logic” that they stay for love. Pukeworthy pseudoscience from Professor Douchebag Anderson.

  • “Is your wife so very 2004? Time to upgrade. Oh, but you “love her,” so keep her. (Less costly that way. For her? What’s a few decades of her life and a scary pap smear or two? She has YOU!) Swap out sexual partners the minute one gets droopy or inconvenient. Rank them on Amazon! Yelp! Google map them! (Wow, there is willing pussy just .4 miles from my house!)”

    That’s a brilliant piece of humour. I am laughing so hard.

  • So operating on the great old predetermined mindset…can I bite the head off my male counterpart after mating because you know it’s just part of nature.
    Jeez…. straying might be predetermined for dinosaur cavemen women assholes but lying isn’t. So adultery may happen but hidden adultery is NOT normal. Fuck you scientist with umpteen degrees because fucking around on your spouse might be “normal” but lying about it is not! And if hubby can cheat why can’t his not fucking other people spouse enjoy sexual pleasure outside the “confines” of marriage.
    I know I would have liked to have more than mediocre sex with x .

    • Oh yeah. It’s ok for them to do it. But Lord forbid if you do. I was told that if I ever cheated that he would kill me and him. So does that now apply to you? Of course not…..He claims he was being dramatic and didn’t mean it. Right……

  • I got ‘yes I cheated on you, but I never cheated on our relationship’ and ‘please don’t hate me, I didnt want this to turn into you hating me, I havent treated you badly.’
    10 years together and 10 years of annonymous sex for him. The bullshit is strong with this one.

  • I was told by XH one year prior to D-Day that he did not love me, so Anderson’s theory would not apply in my case. It was after I had taken XH to the dentist to have 5 cavities filled, following a long stint of him neglecting his teeth. As soon as we left the dentist’s office, he demanded that I spend more money on him. I told him that we needed to have a talk about our marriage first. He refused to have the talk, became incensed and physically attacked me when we got home from the dentist’s office, putting bruises on me. I asked, “How could you do that, if you are supposed to love me?” He said, “I don’t love you! I hate you! I’m just using you for your money!” I said, “How could you come on to me for sex after that?” He replied, “I don’t want to have sex with YOU!” I said, “Well, then my sex life is over.” He said, “My sex life is over, too.” Looking back on it, I would say that was a discard and he was cheating on me then. He wanted his mouth and teeth to be nice for her, paid for by me. He had to devalue me to justify his affair with her. In that year, I tried very hard to get our marriage back on track, despite the devastation of the physical attack. But the more a narcissist gets away with, as far as duping their faithful spouse by having an affair, the more they have to outsource their guilt by projecting their treachery onto that faithful spouse.

  • Continuing my narrative, one year later, I discover that our new car seat has been damaged by what could only be described as sex. I discover that the new shirt I gave him for Christmas has been damaged by what could only be described as another woman’s lipstick. Confrontation only led to gaslighting and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender order). He stayed with me for a strong emotional connection? Try a strong financial connection. He didn’t work. I suppose OW was too fabulous to take on a man who didn’t work and he was too fabulous to get a job for her. Although he was madly in love with her and it was the best sex he ever had, part of the fun of the affair was duping me. That was probably why he was so angry when confronted; he didn’t get to dupe the old shoe anymore.

  • Lex – Do you think your wife was happy with your marriage? Be honest – if it was such hell for you she couldn’t have been blissfully happy herself. If she had cheated on you, would you have been okay with that because she wanted to find happiness without destroying her home? I doubt it.

    Women need sex to be happy as well. Most women need more than just a quick shag to feel fullfilled by sex. Were you the type of lover who was concerned about what she needed or were you just getting concerned about getting your rocks off? Women tend to put up with a less than satisfying sex life with their husbands because they aren’t only concerned with their needs. They take into account the commitment they’ve made, the family they’ve created, the years of shared history.

    People cheat because they feel entitled. They feel no responsibility toward their spouse, children, extended family. That is a character flaw – not due to a lousy sex life.

    • My wife was devastated when I left. But she didn’t give a crap about me. She just didn’t want her little kingdom disrupted. It was all a lie from the start. My entire marriage was a lie. It was a means to an end for her, as was I. And though she pretended to have a high sex drive, the sex all but ended as soon as we got married. When I left, she did everything she could to ruin me even though I had offered more than a fair agreement. She was heartless and ruthless and lied and lied and lied.

      I know there are men who are real jerks. But I am so sick of men being vilified for trying to find some happiness. Marriage is not a license to be heartless. Marriage is not a license to control someone else’s sex life. But that is the reality. As a married man I was at her mercy with no options. It is a suckers game. Had I not been so brainwashed by religion and “social duty” I would have left two decades sooner. And I have since observed that many men are stuck; trying to be loyal while just hanging on and slowly dying inside.

      NOTHING have given more life than having sex with beautiful young women. It made me young again and gave me the will to live again.

    • Men cheat when the life they have isn’t enough to keep them from cheating. You are suggesting that men don’t have a right to be happy because of their duty. In a word, bullshit. I reject that as a sexist and selfish claim

      • How many men ridden with guilt and despair have to blow their brains out before women start showing some understanding? Look at the statistics. 2/3 of all gun deaths are suicides, and mostly men. And middle age men are the most endangered species of all.

  • Bye bye to the troll Lex the Sex Monster.
    (please don’t respond if he posts again until he can be banned by Tracy in the morning).

  • Yep I saw some mindfuckery saying when a man cheats, its because he is moving closer to being with you permanently.


    And as per the article Chumplady is talking about, I am all for the notion that monogamy is not natural. So if you know this and this is you, DON’T GET MARRIED!!! To get married, promise monogamy, then renege, is bullshit. If you do get married, realize you are on some bullshit, take responsibility for such bullshit, , get divorced, pay, now you can date and screw indefinitely, knowing you are not marriage material.

  • A good platonic male friend told me that “men cheat to STAY, not to leave”. It blew my mind. This man was cheating. He had a screwed up marital life, both of them were at fault. He was sexually and emotionally dissatisfied, and apparently she had dissatisfactions too. He stayed because of the comfort of them raising a child together and of course the two incomes. He cured his sexual dissatisfaction with cheating. Men need sex. It is a need with them. So he told me if not for being able to get a solution for sexual release, he would leave. He is not going to leave his primary comfort if he can get his needs met with a viable other solution.

    The reason, Anderson, men cheat is not so much because they love their spouses. It is because they want to extract comforts from both worlds.

    They may love their spouse in spite of their cheating. That’s more appropriate to say than proposing they cheat BECAUSE they love us.

    • This is cake. Your friend is serving himself to comforts of home generously provided by his wife AND getting his “kibbles” on the side.

      • Um thats what I basically said.

        “He stayed because of the comfort of them raising a child together and of course the two incomes. He cured his sexual dissatisfaction with cheating.”

        “The reason, Anderson, men cheat is not so much because they love their spouses. It is because they want to extract comforts from both worlds.”

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