You chumps are FREAKS, I tell you. FREAKS! The latest academic to say so is Eric Anderson, author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and the Reality of Cheating. His thesis? Men cheat because really, they love you women.
(Sorry guy chumps and gay chumps, I don’t have any academic books to review about your situation today. Apparently, infidelity is only an evolutionary imperative for straight men. And who interests the Academy? Straight men, preferably white colored ones. If you are a faithful straight man, or gay, lesbian, or transgender person, file yourself under Outlier, Freak, or Monogamous Anachronism. Thank you.)
The otherwise irreproachable Good Men Project reviewed this absurd book with the assumption that their readership “good men” would like an excuse for cheating? Hey, dude! Stop being “good” — check out this professor who says cheating is LOVE! Yeah, were you going to get her a diamond? Fuck that shit! Get yourself an Ashley Madison account instead! Nothing says “I love you” like exposing her to STDs or having another woman’s baby. The ladies love a player. You gotta be free to spread that seed, but she’s just the lucky lady you come home to. She’s gets uppity about that? Tell her evolution says so!
According to the review:
Anderson suggests that monogamy is an irrational ideal because it fails to provide a lifetime of sexual fulfillment. Cheating becomes the rational response to an irrational situation.
And it is at this stage that Anderson provides his most provocative argument: Men cheat because they love their partners. It is the ‘because’ that makes the statement so challenging. Yet Anderson’s argument is convincing: Intentionally focusing on younger men unburdened by marriage and parenthood, he argues that if these men did not love their partners, they could break up with them. Existing in the open sexual marketplace of university culture, and fuelled by high consumption of both alcohol and porn, these men do not need to be with their partners for access to sex (unlike undergraduates of past generations). In other words, if the 78% of university-attending men he interviewed who had cheated on their current partners did not love them, they would have left them. The logic, then, is clear—these men are with their girlfriends because of the emotional bond they share. Having undergone a rapid process of sexual habituation in a culture that is highly sexualized, it is men’s sexual dissatisfaction rather than any emotional one which propels them to have sex with others.
Hey, Dr. Anderson — I don’t have a Ph.D. or anything (just a useless masters degree in African history) and I’m not a scientist… I’m just a girl and our brains don’t do logic and stuff as well as your big male science brains do — but couldn’t we also conclude that cheating men don’t stay with women because of “the emotional bond they share” but because those women are of USE to them. Like, they earn paychecks and shit, and raise babies, and are better at scrubbing toilets than guy roommates tend to be?
Cheating men don’t “break up” like they did when they’re single because there are adult consequences like child support and a reduced standard of living when you divorce. Don’t you social scientists study motivations behind societal behavior and stuff? I had no idea you were all so tender hearted as to ascribe “love” to infidelity. Love is rather intangible and hard to measure. How much you have in your 401K, divided in half, not so much.
Again, I’m a girl, so do discount my fuzzy thinking — but me and my besties, we discuss EVERYTHING. Those I share “emotional bonds” with, I’m honest with. There’s nothing they don’t know about me. So, why don’t those cheating men who have those deep emotional bonds with the women they’re cheating on tell them they’d prefer an open relationship?
Or do the deep emotional bonds not extend to imagining another man fucking your girlfriend? Is that why it’s a big secret that you like to cheat? Or is that you would prefer an unequal playing field where women stay faithful to YOU and you have carte blanche to fuck around? I know it sounds really douchey when I put it that way.
Call me a femi-nazi but that sounds pretty retro and patriarchal to me. I mean, isn’t that the system we’ve HAD for ages? But what you’re proposing is all new and edgy and paradigm shattering!
Destroy monogamy! Monogamy is the problem! It’s a “failed social institution.”
Fuck you Eric Anderson. Or rather polyamorously fuck you, so more than one can fuck you.
Monogamy isn’t a failed social institution — commitment is a failed social institution. Good character is a failed social institution. You’re just dressing up the same old shit and trying to sell it in new ways.
No one forces you to be monogamous. You commit to it. Don’t blame the “institution” for your personal failures and sense of entitlement. Waah! It’s so unfair of you to hold me to promises I made of my own free will! It’s hard!
You’re not alone Eric Anderson. The world is full of cheating apologists like you. You’re not the only one who thinks commitment and keeping promises sucks. People like you? You don’t commit to your employees, your veterans, your debts, your aging mothers, or your attention spans. Commitment of any sort seems to be a dying thing. Stick-to-it-tiveness is suspect. How passé, how old school. How… limiting.
Personally, Eric Anderson I think the world needs MORE commitment. Maybe we’ll evolve to get some. Because surely we need commitment and sacrifice to solve any major societal bugaboo facing us — national debt, global warming, Tori Spelling reality TV series.
We need people with GRIT. Instead we seem to be a nation of douchebags who need media/gaming rooms, granite countertops and more closet space (or have I been watching too much HGTV? ) The old shit is looking tired? Get new shit! You have 3G, you need 4G! Faster consumer cat, kill, kill!
Is your wife so very 2004? Time to upgrade. Oh, but you “love her,” so keep her. (Less costly that way. For her? What’s a few decades of her life and a scary pap smear or two? She has YOU!) Swap out sexual partners the minute one gets droopy or inconvenient. Rank them on Amazon! Yelp! Google map them! (Wow, there is willing pussy just .4 miles from my house!)
Eric Anderson if you are part of this Brave New Monogamy-Free World, thanks but no thanks. I’ll keep it old school over here with my faithful Luddite husband. Like our old monogamous ancestors, we choose quality and hang on to it until it dies.
This column ran previously.