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The Day of the Deadbeat

deadbeatBy request, today’s “fun” Friday challenge is to share your deadbeat ex stories. #dayofthedeadbeat

Unfortunately, infidelity tends to go with other sorts of shitty behavior like fiddling the books and stealing funds or failing to pay bills. Hey, kibbles don’t come free you know! And when you’re a super, special person who deserves more, what’s the harm? You’ve got a chump to do all those adult-ing things!

I predict a lot of long rants today. There’s nothing “fun” about enforcing child support. Ask me how I know. And WTF with those Soviet waiting rooms with the grim fluorescent lights and one collapsed vinyl sofa? And don’t even START me on the automated phone hell… WHY DON’T YOU PEOPLE ANSWER YOUR PHONES?! It is a DISGRACE the way the system makes custodial parents go hat in hand to BEG for monies they have a COURT ORDER to collect! Oh, here’s an idea — instead of vulnerable children getting on public services — why don’t you fucking ENFORCE the goddamn ORDER? JAIL THE DEADBEATS. Woe! Then they can’t pay! GUESS WHAT? THEY AREN’T PAYING NOW. Woe! It’s expensive to jail deadbeats. YOU KNOW WHAT IS CHEAPER? FUNDING YOUR GODDAMN CHILD SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT OFFICE. But, but! Then they’ll enforce all those orders and we’ll have to jail deadbeats. Splendid!!! Send them to debtor’s prison for all I care! But I predict if you morons ACTUALLY ENFORCED THIS SHIT they would pay something rather than sleep next to Bruno in a jail cell. Call me a crazy idealist.

See? Rant. This subject makes me feel rather stabby.

I’m out from under the court-enforced co-parenting with a deadbeat fuckwit lifestyle now (but still have an open case with child support enforcement for thousands!) Mostly, I’m meh about it. But man, it’s one tough shit sandwich to choke down.

Vent away, folks. Just remember to be kind and include paragraph breaks.

TGIF!

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  • When I met my now ex, I was finishing my master’s program; he had never finished college (and this is seriously no offense to those who haven’t) and was working a menial job. He proposed to me after I graduated and got my first job. When I told my uncle the good news, he snarkily said: “Sure he wants to marry you now… He wants your medical benefits!”

    As you can imagine, I was livid. I was convinced that his poor circumstances were due to the fact his parents weren’t supportive of their children being educated and that he hadn’t found his passion. He assured me that, with me as his champion, he would do all sorts of great things.

    As the years went on, it became apparent that my uncle was right. Not only did he never finish school, he never pursued a skilled trade or any kind of job training, and when friends and family offered to help him get a better job with benefits, he found excuses why the job was wrong or put off preparing a resume until the open positions had been filled.

    And the icing on the cake? After I got my first raise and promotion, he actually CUT HIS HOURS at the lousy job he had (where he worked with OW #1, mind you)!!! He said he wanted to help out more around the house since I was working more, but in actuality, he was hitting the gym, hanging out with friends, and probably OW(s). I want to go back in time to kick my own ass for what I allowed myself to believe.

    Thank the gods we never had kids or I probably would’ve been stucked paying him spousal support. And the reason we didn’t have kids was that he refused to go to a doctor and get checked out after the doctor told me that I was very fertile. At the time, I thought he was just anxious about being a Dad, or maybe he felt like a baby would trap him in the marriage after he checked out.

    Both of those might still be true but I think the primary reason was that he knew if we had a baby he could no longer BE the baby.

    • P.S. I realize that the original blog question really related more to deadbeat parents, but I wanted to provide my experience for those of us chumps who didn’t have kids with our cheaters.

      • Still relevant.

        The entire Deadbeat experience is Bait and Switch. We all keep investing in these relationships because we took the bait. It doesn’t matter if you have kids with the losers or not.

    • Great post. Very relevant. Will perhaps help others recognize red flags earlier in the game before kids arrive on the scene

      • Well, the best advice I can offer is that love a person for he or she is, and not for who you want them to be.

        Chump Lady made an apt comparison when she said her cheater was like the old fixer-upper she bought and planned to renovate into the house of her dreams. Problem is, you can fix objects and not people.

        • I agree Lulu. Chumplady also made a great post when she said that Co-dependents are addicted to potential. And often times we Chumps are co-dependent, trying to fix a losing investment. My Ex boyfriend was a loser and I tried to fix him, and after 6 months of tolerating crap, I dumped him.

          • When your POS has portrayed himself to be wonderful at the outset of your relationship and then only later shows his true colours, it causes us confusion. The potential is what they advertised themselves to be initially, and we’re hooked on finding that again in them despite the red flags. It’s hard to love someone for who they are when you don’t know who the hell they are!!! Mind you, they say the same thing about us … mine wailed to a counsellor, “I want to get back the woman I fell in love with!!!” (meaning me … an outright lie because he’s building a relationship with Twat-face). So he fell out of love with me because I wasn’t as advertised either, I suppose. Meaning, when he met me I had a huge income … when I asked him to help out with the rent, that’s when I changed for the worse, in his eyes … OMG! He didn’t actually want to support me. I think he read that as “In sickness OR in health”.

            My POS has money, is set for life with his inheritance, but left me for a woman with medical benefits. Ahhh. The rich get richer. He is now soooo concerned about the house and me, trying to show he’s not a deadbeat (where was he when I needed him?) … probably because I’m in the house we co-own, and I’ve gone no contact. He may have plotted his escape, but he knows I’m plotting my future, and he’s worried about losing his investment. Let him worry.

          • “Chumplady also made a great post when she said that Co-dependents are addicted to potential. And often times we Chumps are co-dependent, trying to fix a losing investment”. That comment really resonated with me Kellia. When I reflect back my ex did have so much potential but not in the “I will fix you up way”. He did have potential and tons of it so I thought, until the day he walked in the door and told me that he had been sacked for misappropriating funds from his job. I knew then that he indeed did need fixing up and I hung around for another 30 years trying my best to support and understand him but my best was never enough. I invested too many years and lost but in some sense I also won. Now that he has gone I realise that I have won the lottery of getting my life back and he is the prostit-tot’s problem now and with their language barrier his pathological lying would be full blown and she wouldn’t have a clue just like I didn’t. She has no idea what she is in for but I do !!

            • Maree, I didn’t know the “misappropriating funds” story. I’d say you are well rid of him. Good to see you posting!

              • Yes, sad but true LaJ. Would you believe about 4 weeks after he was sacked, everyone and I mean everyone including my own family blamed me and said I must have put him up to it because he was just too nice to think of it himself. So at the grand age of 30 years of age apparently he didn’t have a mind of his own. I was 6 weeks from having our 2nd child and I can tell you, I never want to relive that agony ever again again. Our kids were told of this indiscretion only about 5 years ago because I kept the secret like I had committed the crime myself and always making sure they knew they had a great dad (me spackling) and yet, they prefer him. It puzzles me no end.

            • Maree, you and I have backgrounds that parallel with our families as well as with our X’s. Soon after X left he ran into my parents at a bookstore and talked with them with faux tears in his eyes explaining he had to leave, that I was abusive, an alcoholic and he couldn’t take it anymore. My Dad believed and sided with X. Since X is such a great guy I had to have given him a valid reason to leave. Fortunately my mother and Aunt believed and gave me emotional support I needed at the time.
              My Dad and my brother didn’t believe me when I told them X left and hadn’t been giving me money or paying the bills. I was a stay at home wife and mother without any source of income.
              Like you Maree, I never told our son his Dad wasn’t giving us money. I never said anything negative to him about his father to him over the years or thought it was appropriate to do so. In contrast X without me knowing X would talk privately to our son making insinuations that I was failing as a wife and mother. During the divorce X would explain to our son every in detail regarding the divorce distorting facts, and demonizing me. I have never told our son of his AP, then I don’t think my son would believe me if I did.
              I’m confused as to why my Son sides with his father, I was a devoted wife and mother. X was a distant, negative, miserable as a father. X would say (in front of our son) when our son was growing up that he and our son had nothing in common and nothing to talk about, for me to leave him alone and quit trying to think of things for them to do together.
              The parental alienation is something I will never be able to comprehend. I’m hesitant to tell people about the alienation of my son. To someone who has children who love them it doesn’t seem possible.
              My son has apparently erased any good memories out of his mind or choses to do so to please his father.

              • brit, I am truly sorry. Every time I read what has happened to you I feel so sad. We were married to very persuasive males of that there is no doubt. I won’t say men because men do not do what they have done to us. Yes, they lie to suit their agenda and they are so convincing. Some comments made by the ex have gotten back to me and I now just let them pass over me. The old Maree would have hunted the rat down but I prefer my calm, quiet and safe life and he simply is not worth it. Besides the heat and the filth of SE Asia is not something I wish to experience because he is hiding with his twu wuv in her home city. Good luck with that. If the most recent photo I saw of him is any indication of how tough life is, he looks shocking. You would think that living with your 24 year old twu wuv and having sex anytime you want and also raising her 2 sons from other men is fun at 64 years of age, well then he is bonkers, plain and simple. He wasn’t interested in our 2 kids and now they are his best friends and supporters and they have welcomed the prostit-tot and her kids into the family and I have been airbrushed from history. My 1st grandchild has been born and it has been kept a big secret from me. My daughter takes after her father very much. They are peas in a pod and I am history. Also, as for families siding with an imposter it beggars belief but it has happened in my own family also. We know the pain of rejection from all sides. I hope you have good support around you brit. You sound like a lovely, very gentle and thoughtful lady. I pray that your son comes to his senses. Maybe if and when he meets a nice young woman things may change for the better. I wish you every happiness brit. ((HUGS))

              • brit and Maree,

                I am going through the same thing. My boys are 15 and 17. They were 8 and 10 when we divorced. I did what I thought was right, didn’t say anything bad about their dad, the OW now “stepmom”, the divorce, etc. All of them and his family has been badmouthing me from day one. You hear this for years and years with me NOT saying anything, they eventually believe it. My boys are at the manipulative age where Daddy lets them do what they want and buys us what we want while Mom has rules and cannot afford extras. BTW, I have to pay him $400/month child support AND all the boys school expenses AND provide health insurance on them.

                I pray and plead to God every day for my boys to know their dad’s true nature and for them to come home.

                My heart breaks for both of you, taking your child from you for selfish reasons is the cruelest form of torture there is. I am blessed that I have lots and lots of support, more than Satan has. Lean on your support, just keep going, that is what I have been doing.

        • Mine was a fixer upper and fix I did. He did end up with his own business as did I. He loved to spend money on stuff we couldn’t afford but accuse me of being all about money when I tried to reign him in. He blew half of our retirement trying to keep his failing business afloat, all the while lying to me about havING stock to cover the debt. This WA after cheating, wreconciliation and a dreadful renewal of vows in central park (hey I guess he really wanted to visit new York! ). 4 years later after giving up the business on my insistence and working part time for 4 years he just quit working for our last months before day(no spousal support).. what a Great Guy! It has taken me a while to forgive myself for my blindness…

          • Well “I was blind but now can see” comes to mind..! We were all blind to these fucktards because we aren’t disordered and can’t comprehend the betrayal and selfishness. Lesson learned though…personally I’m going to be extremely careful before I get into another relationship…if ever. 24 years and getting fucked over was enough for a while

            • I have so many stories of how I was fucked over I don’t know where to begin or which to choose from.. I’ll go with this one, on my 50th birthday X insisted on buying me a BMW. I told him I didn’t want one that I loved my Van maybe the following year. X called my brother to meet us at the dealership to help convince me to accept his gift. X said if I didn’t accept his gift he would feel insulted.
              I reluctantly agreed. 6 months later X walked out, told the Judge he didn’t get me the car for my birthday, that I complained about my Van and went to the dealership and bought the car myself. Why was his name on the paperwork with his signature? He said I nagged and complained so much he signed them. I had to pay for my birthday gift. I was a stay at home mother without a job. Happy Birthday to me…. a gift I could have done without.

          • Sadlady, bugger! I’m sorry you had to go through that.

            Interestingly, most of my friends asked me if we would get married now (fast forward oh, maybe a few months post D-day.) WTF? Yeah, I didn’t want to get married for the first fabulous 25 years, and three kids, sure, of course I would want to marry him after he broke my fkn heart, gave me two STIs, and now that his skank, who had been my ‘friend’ for 34 years was stalking me and our kids, and he proved himself an expert liar! I don’t care if he’s the shiniest unicorn on the block. Not marrying that. Ever. Sweet baby cheeses!

            Sorry, not deadbeat, but holy hell, deadbeat ‘friends’!

    • Lulu, you are so lucky you had your uncle to warn you! What a great man your uncle is. He knew the type of man you were getting involved with. I wish I had someone like that warm me. You were very fortunate.

      • Yeah, well, I didn’t heed his warning and just got angry. I don’t think most people want to believe the worst of the people they’re in love with.

        Fortunately, I listened to him the second time when I married my current husband, who is an awesome guy and now close friends with my uncle.

        • I’m so happy you listened to him the second time. I wish I had an uncle like that to warn me or anyone! When I was engaged to my Fiance (he became an ex), everyone was telling me how he had such a great personality and was amazing. When he was verbally abusive and an asshole. And when I dumped him, everyone harped on me saying I was old. I was 30 years old at the time. So needless to say, my entire circle were doormats and people giving me horrible advice. I would have loved to have at least 1 person warning me. But in the end, I listened to my gut and called off my wedding. He was just an abusive asshole, and I knew that was the truth, no matter what anyone else in my circle thought or said.

          • Kellia bravo for calling off the wedding. I wish I’d done that to the verbally abusive a-hole I ended up marrying. But the invitations were sent, minister arranged, dress altered, blah blah blah. I’m surprised how stupid and starry eyed I was at 45 on my second marriage. (((Head slap)))

          • Kellia, that took so much strength to go against everyone and call of the wedding. You really should be so proud of yourself!

            Now you know for future reference to do the exact opposite of what the doormats in your circle demand of you. 🙂

            • Thanks Lulu! It took herculean efforts, but I knew that if I didn’t do this, that at the end of the day, I’d be the one being abused behind closed doors. And you’re right, I did the opposite of what all these doormats demanded of me. You are so right!

          • Oh my Kellia I also called off my wedding 6 weeks before it was due- and although I know I I dodged a bullet -I’ve been painted to be the Wicked Witch of the West in the town I work and still own a rental property in (the house he moved into quickly during the love bomb phase and then refused to contribute financially in any way)
            After calling off the wedding due to no longer being able to ignore my screaming gut, I stuck out living together for a further 6 months which was when his mask came truly off
            My mother, who saw through him from day one offered me a refuge and I moved myself and the child in with her and rented out the family home (after months of dealing with his increasing abusiveness and refusal to move out) when he finally did, he broke in one night drunk I was terrified
            He still lives in the town I work in- and recently I was accosted and verbally abused by one of his harem, who said I had “ruined his life” !!. He goes around trash talking me to anyone who will listen
            Also, despite not having actually married- his status on Facebook 2 years later still reads “separated” To be sad sausage.
            I’ve come to terms with the fact that he’s going to do circle back, try hoovering ,the lot. It’s over 2 years since we split for good, but we have a beautiful daughter who is 4. She sees her dad an average of 3 hours a week
            He pays no child support but his income is low and he’s so unreliable I gave up on chasing that ages ago. Although no contact evades me I’ve been meh for ages- and now evolving to a place where I actually pity the guy. He’s such a loser, and I feel sad that my daughter is gonna realise that someday soon too

            • Chump Change – you are so mighty! Good for you for calling off your wedding. You are great role model for your daughter and that’s what counts to most!

      • Ooh yeah, great point. It’s so good to have close people who will pick up on something you’re not and warn you, and we have to cherish that. I’m probably like lots of others here though, where my cheater was suuuuper sparkly and doing all the right things at first. My very critical family loved him. Of course, once we were married and our little family strained under the weight of his expensive vanity projects, luxuries, etc. while not working and fully ignoring our child, my family apparently noticed I was holding everything together alone and talked amongst themselves about it. But they were afraid to draw animosity by saying anything. By that point I would have wept with joy at someone at least acknowledging my struggle, and curled up in their arms. Haha. But, live and learn. Now I’m HYPER attuned to any red flags and probably even blow little things out of proportion, because of that trauma. If only we had that experience and extreme level of caution when we were young!

        • “and talked amongst themselves about it. But they were afraid to draw animosity by saying anything.”

          This is the part that really gets me. People who supposedly care about you, talk to anyone about the glaring red flags, but to me! Honestly, if I cared about someone, I would do the right thing and absolutely tell them. And if they get upset with me, then so be it! But I’ll be damned if I live with the regret of not having said anything to the person and not having looked out for them. If the other person gets angry at me for telling them the truth, then that’s a risk I’m willing to take. But rest assured, I’ll sleep very well at night with a clean conscience. The truth will wake them up someday, if not now, down the road, I assure you it will.

            • Yeah, these deadbeats look for a nurse or a purse. We shouldn’t be either of those things. Why don’t they get their act together, rather than mooch off of us.

              • Nurse or a Purse. I am stealing that.

                Kellia, I learned this: There is nothing as useless as a YES MAN friend. I hate yes men.

                I used to (and still do) see my sister making these terrible, sickening mistakes. I told her and my best friend:

                Listen, if you ever see me doing something stupid, please tell me. I want to know. Don’t let me be a fool.

                I mean it. My pride will recover. Some mistakes can’t.

    • Lulu, I swear we ended up with the same man. Except that now I am carrying his child. When I got pregnant, I asked him if he was going to get a second job. But nope. He said that if he did, then I really wouldn’t see him. I guess his two nights per week job was good enough. Plus he also had all these other mystery things to do that kept him busy 5 days a week.

      Mind you, I was working hard. Really hard. I mean, I had 30 hour calls in the hospital every 4 days and worked the days in between my call. And first trimester fatigue is no joke, especially when you don’t sleep a couple days a week. One day I got home from work and fell asleep right away. He came home at night and found me still on the couch; I didn’t do the laundry, dishes or make dinner that day. He called me lazy. Lazy! I started bawling and just chalked the tears up to pregnancy hormones.

      • Chumpedpreggo-
        It is so bad. I am sorry. I don’t know how to make it better with words. 🙁
        Have you gotten away from this monster?

        • Sylvia,

          I did. I left him soon after I found out about his long term affair. I wasn’t even planning on doing so, but my sister flew down to support me. She came the day after I told her. When she showed up the first thing out of her mouth was, “I’m going to do everything I can to convince you to come back home.” Then my mom came and said she wasn’t leaving unless I was going with her. My mom came with me to meet with a lawyer, and my lawyer said I was in a great position to leave. In fact, he said I needed to leave before the baby is born so that I can establish a new life for myself around my support system. I left with just two suitcases though. I still have to go back, get the rest of my things, and then tackle custody issues and all.

          Despite all that, he keeps telling me everyday that I abandoned him. That me leaving is much worse than what he did to me. That he was supposed to be my support system. That I’m turning his child into another statistic. That I’m preventing him from being a part of his child’s life (I’m not. He just has to hop on a plane but he’s used to me or his other girlfriend buying him plane tickets). That his son is now going to be raised by only women (me, my mom and my sister) and have no male influence. I have a brother and brother-in-law, but he doesn’t think they’re good enough. That I’m making it hard for his family to get to know his child. That he wanted to be there for the pregnancy and I’m taking this away from him (but he’s the one who chose to miss the only ultrasound because he wanted to see his ex-girlfriend). I do my best at no contact. But then I want to tell him about some milestone with the pregnancy and his only response is “and I’m not there for it.” He can make me feel guilty for leaving, even though I know deep down I’m doing the right thing.

          I just can’t believe this is now my life. It’s hard and it sucks.

          • Stop talking to him! It’s normal to want to share pregnancy milestone with the baby’s father. But you are doing yourself no good. Stop contacting him for, let’s say, 2 weeks. 14 days. See if you feel better. Send your mom back with your brother to pack for you. If you are living in a new location, make that your home and file for support and full legal custody there. I’m going to tell you what you already know: if you stop propping him up, he will do none of what needs to be done to take an active role in the baby’s life. You’ve got an amazing support system. Put your love and attention on yourself, your baby and your family.

            If he’s serious about being a father, FIRST he needs to clean up his act. There’s nothing stopping him from looking for a job in your area and then moving. Look at his actions and stop listening to his words. And leave some space to see if he does act in a way that says he’s going to be a better dad than he was a partner to you. Your mother and sister have already figured out the answer to that question, but of course it will take you longer to get past your emotional connection to him in order to see him clearly.

            • This is really good advice. Please listen to the advice here and stay strong.
              Let us know what happens and draw on the support of CN. Good luck.

            • Ok. I can start with 14 days. I don’t initiate conversation, but I will stop responding to his messages. I just know that once I stop I will most likely be disappointed in him again. In those two weeks, I will have a major exam for my career, my birthday, and a good time for him to visit if he actually does love me like says he does. But if I don’t remind him, I’m afraid nothing’s going to come of it. Not even a “good luck” for the test. And then I’ll be faced again with the soul-crushing realization that I really don’t matter much to him.

              • I guess if he really does nothing, like not even acknowledge my birthday then it will be more proof that he sucks.

              • Believe me when they truly leave you alone you start to heal at a good clip. It’s the “checking in” bullshit that kept me stuck for over 8 months. When I finally told her “friends” isn’t going to work and to leave me alone is when I was able to let go

          • Sorry for your pain, Chumpedpreggo. I’m so glad your sister and mother are there for you.

            It’s interesting that your cheating man-child accuses you of abandoning him. I read a blog by a psychologist who argued that only children can be abandoned. Adults can only be “left.” Leaving your cheater was a sane and healthy decision on your part. I’d say your cheater has never grown up and has a boatload of FOO issues that he’s projecting onto you. It’s hard, but be glad that you only have your baby to parent. No one needs a grown-ass man who can’t be an adult who insists you do all the responsible work in the relationship. Just because he’s of the male gender, don’t ever let him convince you that he would provide a healthy manly influence in your child’s life. Read the stories of the amazing male chumps on this site, and you will see what strong masculine parenting should look like.

            Sending hugs. Stay strong. Keep coming to chump nation and reading.

          • Chumpedpreggo my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation when my daughter was born 17 months ago. She was planned and I could tell when I finally got pregnant he really didn’t want her. A week before she was born he told me after she was born that he was leaving me. I said why wait. After she was born he started terrorizing me…a brand new mom to a newborn who had a very rough recovery from a c-section birth. He was screaming at me daily. Did not want anyone at our house so he made them feel unwanted. Would not allow me to get childcare. I was bringing baby to work with me (I am self employed). When it finally came out that he cheated. Singular, ya right. He would not get the f**k out of my house. I completely supported him financially. And blamed his temper tantrums on his ms (and blamed the ms for his cheating..lol). He threw his cellphones a lot. I have a hole in my door, gouges out of my walls, ect.
            After I finally got him out the mindfuckery did not end. Poor baby missed his baby all the time and he would stop over any time he felt like it. I partially wised up and set a schedule. He still pushed my boundaries.
            He pulled a couple of psychotic wtf events and I finally pulled no contact. I’ll keep them short. He was at my hse with our baby daughter basically called me up and described how he was going to call the cops and tell them when he got there she was there alone so she would be taken from me and that he would take me down brick by brick. 2nd was he showed up to my house 10 months after he finally moved out while I was at work and the nanny was there with a bag of clothes and told her he was home for good and he got a lawyer so I couldn’t kick him out. He started doing laundry and told her it was going to get uncomfortable for her because when I got home we were gonna start yelling. And he was planting his shit through my house. I called the cops before I headed home, they were packing him up as I pulled up.
            Get away from this fuckwit as much as you can. The mindfuckery never stops. I put up with it for far too long and I found this site pretty soon after dday. I wanted to believe he would be a good dad and was supplementing for him so my daughter had her dad.
            Important things I learned
            Keep notes. It’s hard esp with a new baby but you will reap the rewards in time. I typed on my phone while baby was nursing
            Sounds like you have contacted a lawyer. I found out in my state MN, since we were never married I have full legal custody as the mother and he has the option to petition the court for custody and parenting time. I got the statute number from my lawyer and have 5 copies of this in my house just incase cops show up he can’t take her. Lawyer said cops don’t always know/follow this law that’s why I printed it out
            Since I found this out I decided let him file for custody if he wants it. He knows the law and since he’s a man child he will not do this.
            If you are going to breast feed do it for as long as you can. If you are going to go to court for custody his visits will be short since you have to feed baby.
            If you are afraid or he is harassing you you can get an order for protection or harassment. I did not know the rules and should have gotten the OFP when it would have been easier when he was throwing stuff all the time.
            Don’t let him sign the birth certificate. Or even be at the birth if you don’t want him there.

            You owe this guy nothing. If he wants in, he can prove he’s worthy with his actions.

            Motherhood as a new mom was so much easier when I just had my precious, sweet, peaceful baby to love up on. You can do this mama. You will eventually realize your own strength and sounds like you have some loving family to help. Hugs.

            • Neverlegallymarried, I’m sorry for all that you went through with your ex. He sounds terrible. But it seems like you’re on the right track. Thank you for all the advice. I’ve already invited him to the birth, but I don’t know if he will show up. We’ll see what happens.

              Since your ex hasn’t petitioned for paternal rights, do you get child support from him?

      • Damn I think it really is the same guy!!!

        He called me a slob at me for leaving a dirty sock on the floor… ONE dirty sock! And this was AFTER he so generously cut his hours so he would have more time to “help” me.

        Just further goes to show that the selfishness of cheaters goes beyond cheating.

        Chumpedpreggo, don’t you dare lose any sleep over your decision or allow him to guilt you. As difficult as it might be to be a single Mom to an infant, it would be TWICE as hard to be a single mother to an infant and an adult child, which is what your ex is.

        As for growing up without a male role model, better to be surrounded by strong women of character than a lame man-baby like him. But you know what? Eventually your child might actually have a father figure in his life… a GOOD man that you’ve given yourself the opportunity to meet because you didn’t sink anymore good years into this loser.

        You got this, trust me!

  • Well, since rants are allowed, I’ll add my two cents from a related perspective. It also really sucks to have to pay tens of thousands of dollars in child support to a cheater, especially when you know the cheater isn’t using the money for the kids. And especially when you know some of that money is being used to support the cheater’s co-habitation with one of the affair partners. And even more so when your kids live with those shitbags much of the time. #ipayformyownhell. Yes, I bought the cheats beer and pizza for years (and helped pay their mortgage, cable bill, etc.). That is a Carnegie Deli sized shit sandwich, my friends. And the ***ONE*** time I was 5 days late making my payment (I was self employed and sometimes didn’t get paid on time)? I felt utterly miserable until I could pay.

    It may not be a popular view here, but I would favor a law allowing parents who pay child support to demand an accounting of monies spent on the covered children once every two years (so long as the cost of accounting is paid by the parent paying child support to discourage abuse).

    • Seems totally fair to make sure child support is used for the child(ren) not Macy’s or Aruba. Grrrr. Go sox.

    • I agree. My dad paid his support, and it funded my mom’s and new stepdad’s drinking habit nicely while my sister and I often went without dinner.

    • Yes Nomar his is a terrible situation and thanks for reminding everyone about this perspective. My cheater and his OWife lived off of the child support and alimony she got from her ex husband while contributing nothing to our children and not taking our children during his visitation time. He even had the nerve to complain to me occasionally about how hey couldn’t depend on OWife’s ex husband to pick his kids up on time when he was late a couple of times. WTF? Hypocrite, no???

    • There should absolutely be an accounting required. Deadbeats don’t magically start putting their kids before themselves. The courts also need to take a harder look at which parent the kids live with. Chumps, no mater the sex ,are almost always the responsible adult. Rant is point on!

    • There should definitely be an accounting. I understand that there is no legal advice given here and it is strictly opinion, but can anyone offer an explanation as to why there are no audits on child support payments? It doesn’t seem fair. Then again, none of this bullshit is, so why start there, right?

      • How would an accounting be done? Would I have to calculate the percentage of grocery costs spent on food consumed by my son? I had to rent a two bedroom so son had bedroom, would I account for the square footage percent of the monthly rent? How about the percentage of the electric bill caused by son endlessly playing video games or listening to music? Or the increased water usage due to his super long showers? Could I include the extra gas used in my car chauffering him around town? And none of that even includes the “cost” of time spent caring for a child.

    • I totally sympathize with where you’re coming from, but can you imagine how this would be used to punish decent custodial parents? I have a hard enough time as a single parent making sure we’re both bathed and fed, let alone adding an extra layer of administrative obligation to make my cheating ex feel confident that I’m not cheating him. I’m not willing to keep every receipt for snow pants, divide every grocery bill by percentages, calculate my son’s percentage of housing costs, etc. I also know that my ex would protest everything I buy. “Why didn’t you buy the generic toothpaste instead of the name brand toothpaste? I’m not finding your extravagance! I’m only paying for half of the generic cost, if you want fancy toothpaste, YOU pay for it.” That would be an unfair burden on me and an extra helping of shit sandwich that I don’t need or deserve.

      I would, on the other hand, be ok with the non-custodial parent paying certain expenses directly. For example, my ex pays half of our son’s preschool tuition directly to the school instead of to me, and this is totally acceptable.

    • Same thing here. I pay support for my kids and happy to do so. But ex is not using the money on the kids. It goes to support the ex’s lifestyle. Then weekends when i have the kids they are asking me to buy sneakers, clothes, etc. I have said the same thing about getting an accounting of where the money goes.

      Only bright spot is my oldest daughter turns 14 in a month and has told anyone who listens she wants to live with me. Ex is livid about this and keeps saying that she will never agree to the change in custody. Why? Her lifestyle will change if I am awarded custody. Keeping fingers crossed.

      • hopefully, the courts where you live are like the one’s here and at age 14 they can tell the judge where they want to live.

    • I hear you on this, Nomar! I’m finally, finally receiving child support (though I had to take him to court to get a dime), and I would be happy to provide an accounting of it. The pitiful amount my cheater was ordered to pay just rewards him for being an underemployed, lazy deadbeat. So the accounting would go something like “Okay this month CS covered 11% of daycare expenses, and two spaghetti dinners. No wait, those leftovers came from the office. Nevermind, just the 11% of daycare then. Don’t even ask about clothes, medical bills, extracurricular activities, or anything like that. It’s all on me.” -____-

      I hate that it seems that so often, the hardworking half of the pair is one that’s ordered to continue funding everybody’s good times. And deadbeats who were a huge drain on the relationship are allowed to either continue to drain their ex, or barely baaaaaarely contribute anything to a child they helped to create. Argh. Here’s hoping for justice for your Nomar, in some way or other. I’m sorry the family courts suck and seem to just be another vessel to allow users to use, and takers to take.

      • Your observation is so true and accurate, the responsible party has to continue being responsible. Meanwhile, the deadbeat continues to get a break. I’m very lucky I only have to pay for another 1 year 8 months max. It just sucks to be on either side for the chump. The deadbeat either wastes the money paid to them or doesn’t pay a fair share for their child. The legal system lets them get away with it a lot of the times.

    • This is one of those great injustices. I have no idea how to make a fair way to account for child support.

      I know that in my own situation, Schmoopie came to work at CheaterX’s company as a single mom. She was getting child support from Divorce #1, and part of her appeal was that she was also going to school in order to open up employment opportunities in the IT industry. Everyone thought she was a great hire: hard-working, ambitious, etc. Then the Chief Financial Officer let my X know that he’d learned something about Schmoopie that, if he’d known about it beforehand, would have meant he’d never have permitted her to be hired. X was livid. What was this? CFO never said.

      I had wondered if she’d been at the heart of some kind of financial malfeasance, but after seeing her standard operating procedure, I suspect that she had a reputation for sleeping around with different company bigwigs. It soon became apparent that she had had some one-night stands in CheaterX’s company–always with the upper management!

      It didn’t take a rocket scientist to see why. She was living well beyond her means, and her child was about to turn 18. The money well was going to run dry. I remember saying something about this to CheaterX.

      I know the vast majority of custodial parents spend the support money on the welfare of the children, and that it would be a terrible paperwork burden to have to separate bills for clothes, doctor visits, food, etc. But I’ve also run across a few like Schmoopie, who use that money to fund their own lifestyles, and it makes me angry as I see them as stealing from their own kids!

    • While I totally understand the injustice of supporting a lazy-ass cheater who does not spend the child support money on the kids while the cheater him/herself + AP takes extravagant vacations, I would strongly argue AGAINST documentation.

      I’ll use my own case in point–I have sole custody of my daughter, have NO help from anyone to schlep her to school functions, check her homework, take off work if she gets sick or has routine doctor’s appointments. In addition, I am working a full-time but low-salary job because I gave up a higher-paying job to move here with X (so that he could have a more prestigious & higher-paying job). Thus, I am full-time mother & full-time educator, who gets an average of 5.5-6 hours sleep every day in order to accomplish everything I need to.

      If I also needed to document every time I handed $20 to my daughter for a movie, how much of the electrical & water bill she alone used (read: teenage girls & long showers), her share of the property taxes on the house (1/2, since 2 of us live there), money spent for school clothes, co-pays for doctor & therapist appointments; gas to drive her around, etc., then I would (a) get even less sleep; (b) have less time to spend parenting & probably be more stressed out and thus parent less effectively, and/or (c) end up in debtor’s prison, unable to complete the Documentation sufficiently, and daughter would be left without a functioning mother until my sentence was up. Ultimately, who would be the biggest loser in this? My daughter, who would lose more of my time.

      Secondly, you can imagine Cluster Bs who pay child support debating every line item in the documentation and making the custodial parent’s life complete hell until the kid/s turned 18. And you can also imagine said ClusterBs would clog up the courts trying to get justification for the “$8.56 spend on Torchy’s Tacos on 9/30/16.”

      Thus, I acknowledge the injustice that many here suffer by paying lazy, selfish cheaters who have more custody (or half custody but lower salaries), but cost/benefit analysis says that mandatory documentation would be worse than the current policy.

      • Sadly, you are 100% right.

        Cluster Bs would dedicate their BEING to micro analyzing each purchase and expenditure. The can of worms it would open would lead to insanity, violence or bankruptcy. They would probably file contempt charges because you bought her BedHead or even Pantene and not White Rain Shampoo.

        It just would not work with a disordered.

        The only way I could see it working, in terms of goods and supplies, is Amazon Prime Pantry. The child and mother could go in and put in the “box” everything they need, and the child support payer would pay. The costs are actually less than Wal Mart. But that does not tackle all the other huge bills.

        Big mercy…that I did not marry the mutant. All these logistics with a liar.

      • I totally agree. One week after I received my first child support payment, my ex demanded that I make a list of what I was spending it on. It was all about control. My life would be hell if I had to document everything and my ex would experience great pleasure.

      • Yes yes yes to all of the above. You said it more eloquently than I did while trying to get my preschooler out the door before work. I think the bottom line is that it sucks to be the chump, no matter how it works out.

      • Same here, Tempest. Sole custody of teenager, absolutely no financial help beyond state-mandated 20% of underemployed X’s salary (like a few hundred dollars a month). No help with money for gas, yearbook, clothes, homecoming mum!, lost earbuds, or college apps. And that’s just this week. S17 works as a lifeguard at the local rec to pay for his expenses.

        X is court-ordered to pay half of S17’s unreimbursed medical expenses. S17 has scoliosis and the world-renowned doctor ordered physical therapy at esteemed local hospital. X refused to pay his half of the costs and ordered me to find cheaper therapy because I was RIPPING HIM OFF. Guess who paid the whole amount?

        I cannot imagine having to account to Disordered X for the pittance I receive each month. It would just be massive kibbles for him.

        • I see injustice in all of it. And the kids truly pay for it. Each of our kids are now being abused by the “parent”. It all boils down to who is the responsible adult. The CHUMP!!!!

      • I completely hear the frustration of chump paying child support to the cheater and the cheater using the $ to fund the cheater lifestyle.

        During my “marriage” I was chastised about using marital $ to pay for things for the kids, like food clothes activities. In fact I chumpily up cycled clothing for the kids and myself, was exceptionally frugal about household expenses, saved for major home repairs, blah blah blah. These are the thing you do in order to save for up coming college and other stuff-like the retirement mirage.

        Asshat makes 6-figures. Where the FUCK was he spending it? It takes a lot of dough to entertain your fuckbuddies in NYC and other locations worldwide. My kids NEVER had a proper family vacation until *I* booked a dumpy cabin on Grand Traverse Bay. Took them cherry picking, kayaking, hiking, sand dune jumping etc… All without the asshat. He was entertaining the MOW unbeknownst to me. I wish I had done MORE with my kids instead to settling for Hopium. The BEST thing is that they loved (and still love )those trips, the smelly cabin and Up-North.

  • As everyone probably knows, Kunty Kibbler is still in the house (Oct 30 can’t come soon enough) but I’ve been living my own unique twist on deadbeatness since March.

    KK refused to contribute to the operation and upkeep of what she repeatedly calls “MY house” — mortgage, utilities, household supplies that she uses (toilet paper and such). I never put a % demand on it — just continually noted that she was “living off a UXworld scholarship” while she spent her money on concerts, restaurants, hotels, sex toys, etc.

    Her response? “Hey — when you start giving me half the difference between our paychecks, I’ll start paying for stuff around here.” (The judge put a stop to that — now I have to deal with “I’ll get it to you when I have it,” but at least she’s legally responsible for 1/3 of the expenses.)

    Setting aside for a moment how that models a “taker” attitude and illustrates perfectly how, despite her boastful protestations, she needs me and will continue to need me for the forsesable future, I crunched the numbers and it turns out I was better off just floating her until (hopefully) she’s ordered to leave.

    There’s a possibility I can get some portion rebated in the settlement — but even if that doesn’t end up happening, I’m modeling self sufficiency and she’s modeling dependency and entitlement. Not good examples to set for our daughters.

    • Exasshole moved into an apartment, blew through nearly $20K on whatthefuckever while paying zero on our house for 6 months. When I told him we were divorcing, he moved back into my house saying “I know my rights, this is MY house”. He paid one months bills then lived off me until the day of the gun. I did not get any of that money back. However, I did get our accounts separated (got him to sign off while he was drunk). I kept the rest of the savings, good thing cos I needed it for the attorney fees. When I got the PO he moved in with his mother, then he moved in with his GF. Last I heard he was trying to get SSN disibility. It’s years later and he still does not work.

      • There wouldn’t be enough dirty looks for the X moving back in. It would be MORE than uncomfortable for him. Boy they were born with an extra set of balls….

    • luckily i had enough sense left to separate all the money 50/50 from the 1st day. I also canceled all joint credit accounts. It’s very important that any new chump do this ASAP. They cannot be trusted.

      • OMG THIS. I am so thankful that my first reaction was to get legal advice AND tell him that all shared expenses would be 50-50 from that day on and personal expenses were, well, just that, personal. He was off on a week-long business trip the day after D-Day so he knew that any spending on the the GF and his kids would be out of his pocket. And I told him that as soon as he was back that we would be meeting with our banker. We had separate bank accounts – much to his dismay – within the week.
        He still can’t get his act in gear with regards to his banking – there’s always some excuse (computer locked up, forgot to hit the send button for the wire transfer …). Now I just laugh because I document every transaction – how late he is, what his miserable excuse is. Who knows, it may help if needed one day.

      • Next week’s Fun Friday challenge — what would your fuckwit come dressed as at the Cheater’s Halloween Party? What would you throw in their trick or treat bag?

        • Fucktard would come dressed as his usual dickhead self, a Sad Vienna Sausage. I’d throw in some cyanide covered cheese doodle. Yes, I’ve thought about this.

  • I bent over backwards so STBX could stay involved in the lives of shared godchildren. We couldn’t have children and he had literally cried on the lounge one time about how much he loved the youngest godchild. Since we split, crickets. One time I asked if he wanted to see the youngest godchild as I was minding her. He spent the whole time on the phone.

    My big regret was telling the godchildren he loved them. His actions have proven otherwise. If they bring it up I will be honest and say that how someone acts towards them and treats them holds weight over any words spoken.

    • I said this just tonight. Ex asshat want to blame me for the lack of relationship with his kids. But, where is he? Getting drunk at a friends house, watching football with the skank squad. I told my children, believe what he does, not what he says he will do

  • I’m not going to vent in this response but highlight how strangers and aquaintences NOW realize Disney Dad Deadbeat is a poser:

    I have been a single MARRIED parent to all of my children. Their father had always been physically present in the home, On The Weekends (traveling during the week to do his hookups OR having ‘meetings in-town’ for his hook-up), and would periodically parade his children publically when it served him to bask in the glow of his 4 kids.

    So…when my younger two decided to continue with their love of scouting in middle school, he asked me to back off; let him have these experiences with his sons and other adults (men) in the troop. This is all part of his therapized new Asshat v2.0. The previous 5 yrs I had been the den leader to the pack because Asshat v1.0 was toooooo busy getting into xhamster reenactments with MOW and others to be a role model male leader to a group of boys. Asshat v1.0 spent 18yrs ignoring the emotional needs of all of his kids- too busy with his second life.

    Anyhow, to the present. I back off, let him take the lead in scouting with his sons. The troop leaders assign him responsibilities. He neglects some important fundraising stuff for the troop. The leaders kept asking me over and over again when will he produce on the promises he made to the troop. I have to tell the leaders that I have no idea and no control on what he does because we are not together. They hound and hound him. He finally does what he is supposed to do, way past the deadline with poor results. This is just this year, the first year my guys are in this troop.

    ALL of the adult men in this troop work, travel and have working, traveling spouses AND manage to get their troop-related stuff done, because their kids and the troop are a priority to them. The old me would have spackled the shit out of the task and deadline, making Asshat look like a fucking hero. Nope. No longer my problem.

    Anyhow to last week, at a ceremony for the scouts’ achievements, one of the leaders had asked me a few weeks before to assume a leadership role in the troop-to take his spot when his son ages out in a yr. Another former troop leader who is active with the group approached me at the ceremony and began talking to me about the role. Asshat v2.0 was nearby and became unhappy with the news. I didn’t seek the position. They sought me. It only took these adults, strangers essentially, less than one yr to figure out that Asshat v2.0 talks a good talk to make himself LOOK good. When it comes time to deliver, crickets…..

    Deadbeat Scout Dad

    • ANC, this story illustrates just what happens when chumps stop the public spackling. And notice how fast the other parents caught on. For chumps who are still on the fence, stop spackling and see what happens.

    • ANC, I have a deadbeat Scout dad, too. X was an Assistant Scout Master, trekked with Son to Philmont, etc. When he dumped us, he dumped Scouts, too. Son was a Life Scout, just starting to work on Eagle.

      The second hardest thing I have ever done (besides finalizing the divorce) has been shepherding Son through the Eagle process. Our troop is very much a man-led troop and nobody was interested in helping the clueless mama and the increasingly reluctant boy. The byzantine troop politics and endless bureaucracy made the family court system a pleasant memory.

      But, we persevered. The Eagle project is finished, all merit badges have been completed (damn you, new Cooking badge!) and the Scout Master conference is next week. Mighty Son, mighty me.

    • Wow, Just wow.

      this reminds me of the year leading up to my D’day. My son had been involved in Boys Brigade here in Australia which is a church version of scouts since he was 5, he was then 14 and had decided he would help out with the younger kids. Out of the blue Cheater pants decides he is going to volunteer to help out also. Son would come home furious. When I asked him what was wrong he would always respond “this is now all about dad”.. Cheater would come home and boast about how he was creating a better system of managing the boys and how hard he was on them, as his word was law. Laughingly also in this, 12 month period cheater decided that he was going to return to uni and become a music teacher (apparently it was a calling he had always had but due to being a husband and father had never been able to fulfil it, this was news to me and at 40 living pay to pay I was not overly pleased with the notion). This from the man who had refused to teach Sunday school unless the lesson revolved around washing his car. He also owned a piano and despite his middle childs desire to learn cheater never had the capacity to teach her. A week before presentation night for brigade that year D’day hit. I was sitting in the room shocked that cheater continued in his role as leader on the night, he even received praise from the head leader for his assistance during the year and announced that cheater would not be continuing in his service to the brigade the following year as he was pursuing uni studies to become a teacher. I was numb. No one knew that he had been kicked out that week for exposing our son to homosexual porn. Cheater just continued like nothing had happened.
      Here is the really dead beat dad part. Because cheater was an adult and a leader he was asked if he thought that our son was ready for promotion, son was due for promotion due to years served and had proven to be worthy of the task. But because the leaders had seen tension between father and son over the year they thought it best to ask the cheater his opinion, Cheater said “no” so not only did son have to deal with dad all year, he then discovered dad’s porn addiction and had to talk to me about it, he then had to stand at this event knowing his father was deceiving everyone only to be denied promotion. Son was devastated but had to suck it up because his father felt justified in his decision. How my son stayed on the rails during this time continues to puzzle me but I am very thankful.

      • P.S. Son is now 17 and doing reasonably well, still, struggles with dad. Cheater has remarried to maintain Christian facade so son now needs to accept being the big brother to an extra two children. And does so to have a relationship with his father. It is sad to see that a 17yr old has more maturity than a 44yr old.

        • The scariest part of this, Thankful, is that no one intervened to remove him PUBLICLY from being around children and young people. And the pat on the back from the Boys Brigade leader reeks of the shuffling of Catholic priests from parish to parish rather than exposing them. The police should have been involved. And teaching. Hands up who wants Thankful’s ex to teach their child! Ugh.

    • Great story one I can relate to with Scouts, Baseball, and Karate. X is Pilot who bids on call lines which means he might fly 2 or 3 days a month while staying home or with his phone 2 weeks out of the month if they need him. He said he bid these lines so he could spend time with his son and to “help” me.
      In reality he ignored our son and the only thing he did for me was empty the dishwasher occasionally.
      Where I was going with this is, I was friends with some of the other moms at school I volunteered with and they and their husbands had met X through me. X of course was funny and charming.
      When it came time for the boys to play baseball, Scout activities. and they needed a volunteer with coaching or field trips with Scouting or meetings the other parents would ask for his help he would claim he was too busy.
      Remember these men all have full time jobs, wives that work and other children and they’re volunteering their time for their boys. X didn’t have time. X spent his days working out at the gym, where he met his AP and discovered they have so much in common
      X has a degree in physical education and recreational activities, when one of my sons classroom teachers asked if he could help the kids with physical education he refused.
      On the last day of one school year the kids played the parents in softball. All the other dads let the kids get them out or pretended to miss the ball. Guess who knocked the ballot of the playground and got the kids out every chance he got. He made a fool of himself. All the teachers and other parents were making remarks on what a jerk he was. I discreetly told him and he didn’t care, he said he wanted to show his son he knew how to play baseball.. yeah, right. I should have been more humiliated than I was and left him then.
      He would make promises to take the boys to visit the airport and never followed through.
      Any small thing he did do to help out was because I begged him to help and he did so reluctantly with a miserable face on him.

      • Once I started writing so many memories came to mind things I had forgotten or hadn’t thought of in years.
        My perception of events at that time are so much different than what they really were.
        I was doing all the work, running around, planning, cleaning, bills, shopping, cooking,
        scheduling car maintenance and Dr. Appointments, dentists, maintaining our happy family image.
        Cheater was like having a lazy, teenager in the house who was miserable, moody, and self centered. My name should be Tori.

    • The traitor was the same, made promises of help and leadership in one project after another. I had to pick up the pieces, do the work for him behind the scenes and let him take the credit. Finally, last year, during wreckonciliation, he had again promised to help out with another project, they counted on him because of his science background. He did nothing, dodged phone calls and email reminders and begging from the other guys for 3 months. After another desperate phone message, he asked me to help out and work with them. I refused for the first time. I was hoping to force him to face his responsibilities instead of sneaking off to the whore’s and feeling sorry for himself for being stuck with MeanieMe. . It was his project, he had come up with the idea and got the other guys on board! He gave me a dirty look like I had betrayed and abandoned him. I am sure he convinced himself that I was sabotaging our relationship by refusing to cover for him. Bleh! The guys got on with it as best they could, but still refused to see who he really is. To this day they still consider him a member of this farming group even though he has not replied to a single email or call for 18 months. He just had one conversation where he told one guy we were having relationship problems and were separating and he was overwhelmed. So they feel sorry for him. Clearly I am putting him through hell…I am still a member in my own right, I went to the AGM, told them he has left me and doesn’t even live in the area anymore. I do my bit, but they are still holding their breath for him to return. He is an exec on their board. I can’t believe they haven’t replaced him yet since he has gone AWOL for 18 months. He dazzled them so much, they even believed he had finished his PhD. So he was impersonating something he is not. Even his family thought he had finished it, as I discovered last year.

      Deadbeat traitor could never remember his 3 eldest sons’ birthdays either. I organised everything. I organised their bus tickets to come down for school holidays to stay with us, paid for them of course, liaised with the careers teacher at school 400kms away, got them driving lessons and found and bought each boy’s first car, found tertiary courses for them, found a flat for one, jobs for the other two. He did nothing and dodged $40,000 of child support. It was all about the 4th son, son of the whore who was the AP in his first marriage, and must have been his AP during our entire relationship. All attention on him, he is the golden boy. Traitor’s entire family has noticed it and we only saw them a couple of times a year!
      I did all the lifting in this “family”, I have more time for me now that I have to work off farm and run the farm by myself than I did when we were together and I did everything he should have done for this kids. They were always issues with them because they had a tough childhood thanks to him and the whore wrecking his marriage.
      But these poor boys of his first marriage had better pay homage and grovel on Father’s Day or else. Traitor would even supply a list of presents he wanted for his birthday and Father’s Day…Never asked what anyone else wanted except boy no. 4. Once I asked for something and he refused. A present should be a surprise or it doesn’t count, he said. So he got me what he decided I wanted.

  • My ex and the OW are both teachers making over $90,000 a year. They conducted their affair at work amongst the kids they were teaching. They now live together.

    I had to take ex to court to fight for alimony and extraordinary expenses due our daughter’s special needs. In Ontario, Canada, child support is set, based on income but I was able to fight, and win more money because my daughter needs so much help.

    The dead beat part is he knew what was involved and didn’t care the thousands we’d spend in lawyer fees. People always tell me I’m lucky he pays and still takes her to give me a break! HA! This child will be a dependent forever! AND the time he “graciously” spends with her: the ratio is 80 to 20. Daughter is with me 80% of the time. Yeah, he’s a great dad (rolling eyes).

    • And I am sure he runs the line continuously…”I am all about children! I am an educator!”
      Just not HIS child. Maybe his principal needs to know the truth? In a calm, rational letter…but with facts about what he pays and what your daughter needs…could the school district help out or give him a raise?

      I woud do it in a NY minute.

      Do they make 90K combined or each? If each, that is a great teacher salary!

  • STBX picked up our daughter from school for visitation night. I texted him list of homework she needed for the next day. None of it got done. She received an F on science homework. Ex claimed power was out after they went hanging out until 8:30 at night. He didn’t write note to teachers explaining. I had to explain. Two weeks later I asked our daughter if her dad’s GF (he left 9 months ago to move in with co worker half his age) ever helped her with homework. She gets her hair and nails done, why not homework? Child says no, GF tries but cannot help with homework. As I frowned, daughter told me not to talk bad about OW. She was not going to continue to play cards with me if I said bad things about OW, as she put deck of cards back in the box. I was like, excuse me?

    Well, I found out why my daughter has been nasty and disrespectful to me over these months. Her dad was telling her how ‘mean’ I am and how OW helped save him from me. GF moved in with him to help him with bills. When he makes 6 figures. right.

    I explained dad was cheating and lying to us for months as he was gone every weekend at the hotel with GF. I showed her phone records, hotel receipt, e-mail….. When I was angry and ‘mean’ was when I was confronting him with the lies and I was told that I was insecure, etc. And then, of course, he really spent more time away because I was ‘mean.’

    For months I endured my daughter resenting me – being crushed – not understanding what was going on. Now I know. To see my daughter’s face as she said, “My dad’s been lying to me….” Horrible.

    • Please please please tell her school counselor the shit that’s been happening to your daughter. Please please please provide her with an outside therapist to help her through this mindfuck.

      What her dad and his fuckbuddy do to your daughter is damaging in a million different ways. You both deserve much much more.

      • Thank you. I have spoken to her teachers, school counselor, principal, vice-principal – to let them know what’s going on. She’s in Honor’s classes and grades slipping – I wanted them to know what’s going on. They are all very supportive. Looking into counseling now. She did not want to see her dad this weekend. Oh he went on a rampage – he was going to call the police because I violated court-ordered visitation by not taking her to him. Ummm but he can refuse to see her because he’s going to Las Vegas, the river, or working extra hours…. He told me, “That’s different.” I told him – she’s hurting from your lies and you are going to call the police? Really. OK, he said – he won’t call police but he will notify court that I am noncomplaint.
        Well stupid, I already told my lawyer and she notified the court that he’s been alienating my child from me.. They suck, they suck , they suck….

    • findingpeace, thank you for sharing your story. My daughter is over 18 and knows at least the basics of what her dad did. I stopped talking to her about him or the situation a long time ago but he hasn’t. Like your daughter, she gets his “poor me” and “your mom was/is so mean to me” stories constantly and comes home upset with me. It’s really him trying to create an issue between she and I, basically triangulation like he did when we were all living together. I refuse to be drawn in so I try to hear her out and try to stay calm (ha, not always). The last time it happened, I told her that she’s hearing one side of a very complicated story which I could share with her but I frankly felt that it would cause more issues because he would refute what I say and she doesn’t need to be in the middle of any of that. She agreed so that’s where it’s left for now.

    • My daughter spent 6 weeks with douche bag during summer where she met his OW. When she came back nobody could say anything bad about her. I’m hurt, I raise this kid 100% of the time and she likes this bitch? The two of them ruined our family and it pisses me off. She is only 10 and I’m sure smth horrible must have been said about me for her to act this way. I’m sure he painted me as crazy and mean. Pretty sure any wife would be crazy and mean if they found out her husband was screwing not one but two work hoes. Unreal!

    • Same thing here. After he left and I found out he was cheating again, I stepped out of the middle of their relationship. I was the one who protected them from his behavior when they were younger and facilitated their time spent together (which wasn’t much to begin with). Now that it is up to him, he loves blames me for the disintegration of their relationship.

      Example: Son stopped talking to STBX after he surprised him by bringing the OW to his soccer game (son didn’t even know about OW at the time). When STBX came to the house to see kids, son wouldn’t come out of his room. STBX sat in the living room waiting for son to come down. Son never did. In the past, I would have told STBX to go upstairs to talk to him or told son to come downstairs. Instead, I decided to just let STBX figure it out. He ended up leaving without talking to him. He later texted son that he didn’t know “what all mom has been saying to you but there are 2 sides to every story and it was hurting him to not have son talk to him.” Blamed me AND playing the pity role to make son feel guilty. I try not to tell son how to feel or what to do, but I AM going to talk with him to help him navigate the manipulation STBX is trying to pull. To ignore it or sugarcoat it would just perpetuate the mindfuck.

      • *OW Smackdown After Disparagement

        It cost her a mint in legal fees, but I have a girlfriend who SUCCESSFULLY (after many attempts) got an injunction against the OW to stop disparaging her character to her children.

        It was a two year battle, and she had to try several different legal vehicles (she first tried a protection order) but she finally got in front of a woman judge and an injunction was granted. This was in California.

        If the OW starts any of her crap again, the visits with the X and OW must be a a children’s supervised visitation center. The key was getting a therapist to testify at the injunction hearing about how damaging it was to disparage the Mother.

        It was a slog but she did prevail.

        • Certainly a cease and desist letter from an attorney might be a first step. It might put a stop to the disparagement if the X and the AP are concerned there might be actual consequences.

      • Getmefree, I could have written most of this. When I stopped facilitating father/child relationships, STBX said I was alienating them from him. I think that he honestly thinks he is a good, involved father. I used to text him about the kids’ days and send him pictures of them so he didn’t miss anything while he was “working so hard for our family” aka “fucking lots of other women.”
        I still let him know what is going on with them at school and health wise. Other than that, he is on his own.
        He is discovering that it is HARD to start relationships with your kids when they are teens and tweens.

        • Exactly. I used to fill STBX in on what was going on with his kids because he was rarely around. I have discovered by me telling him about their lives, I was enabling him. He never had to put forth the effort but was able to brag to others about their accomplishments or get pity from others for the kids’ struggles. Plus, he could do a 1 minute phone call to them and mention what he knew so it seemed like he was involved in their lives. He is never the one who initiates a conversation with them by asking them what is going on in their lives, except to find out what the score of their games are. The walls between them are growing and I hate to see it, but I can’t orchestrate a relationship between them if it will ever have a chance of standing on its own. He has to do it himself.

          • Some of my favorite texts to the kids are:
            “I’m here for you buddy. I didn’t leave my kids. I left your mom.”
            “Someday your mom will have someone else in her life. Are you going to treat her this way?”
            “It wasn’t son’s day. It was Father’s Day.” (After kids asked him to meet them for dinner but made it clear he was to come alone.)
            “This is MY vacation too. Shouldn’t I get to spend it doing something I want to do?” (Then left to spend the entire day golfing with some people he ran into the night before.)
            “Why would you ever go to Univeral Studios on this day?” (While on vacation and football was on. This was before he left us for 5 hours to go sit in a bar while I took the kids around to rides)

            The kids already felt like dad didn’t really want to spend time with them before he even left. My son said after he left, “At least now we can stop worrying about trying to get dad to want to enjoy spending time with us.” He is also the one who asked if dad was cheating months before I confirmed he was. That boy is pretty perceptive. And that is just so incredibly sad…

            • “He is also the one who asked if dad was cheating months before I confirmed he was.” That broke my heart reading that last sentence. Selfish cheaters have no idea how their actions affect their children! To learn how cruel the world is from your very own flesh and blood parent… It just should not happen like that for innocent kids…. SMH

              • Boy number two asked me if I had cottoned on to what was going on with the whore in June last year, while on yet another trip with him to sort out his car crash/ suspended licence issues, Dad wasn’t dealing with it. Of course I knew, but I hadn’t told them anything. Traitor had been running a character assassination campaign and telling the boys we were probably going to split up. We were in MC and wreckonciliation at the time and the rest of the “family”, but not me, knew “we” were probably going to split up because I was so difficult to live with.

  • Unfaithful would rather shack up with half his age whore in her scummy apartment than get his own place so our girls can spend some quality time with their dad and have overnight visits. And money is not an issue. He is building a brand new sparkly life without them.

  • My girls went to their father on Friday. Miss 12 forgot her teddy bear. Bear is the most important thing in the world to her as he was her constant companion during chemo two years ago. Her father lives less than 5mins from my home but made no attempt to collect the bear. I was made aware when my daughter messaged me that she had forgotten the bear with a crying emoji as she is not permitted to phone me when with her father. Within two hours of me knowing bear and miss 12 were reunited. Father was not fussed either way. Jerk.

    • He should not be able to forbid your daughter to call you when she is with him. Any judge here would put a stop immediately to that. A child should always feel like they can have access to their parents.

  • I hate cheating whores anyway, but when innocent children (in addition to innocent spouses) are involved it takes the disgust to a whole new level.

    • Courts should consider cheating and award all custody to sane parent. They should only be allowed supervised visitation in my opinion.

      • Agreed!!!! But in shitty states like Florida it’s no fault. Fuck Face would have to been a heroin addict shooting up in front of the kids for me to get full custody. It’s disgusting and unfair. They get their cake and kibbles, and they get the kids, too. What a joke!

        • Same. Utter garbage. The mega deadbeat gets as much time as he wants with kid, WHEN it’s convenient and / or helps his false narrative in front of the right people. Doesn’t matter that he’s mooched off of multiple women throughout his life, is an alcoholic, and tried to pick our toddler up for visits when drunk several times. Because he’s slick and (so far) evades the police when drunk driving, he’s “not dangerous.” Idiotic courts! When he GETS a criminal record, it’ll be too late because my child will have wrecked into the ditch WITH him. ARRRRRRGH. Red flags and common sense mean nothing, in this godforsaken system.

  • My X has picked new boyfriend over daughter. Oldest started college this year but younger daughter is still suppose to be 50/50 custody. She rarely stays with mom because boyfriend is a creep. He’s unemployed, smokes dope constantly, and abuses prescription meds. I am paying monthly child support though. Along with all my kids bills. So I support them 100%. X has yet to hold a job very long. She’s been employed about 4 months out of the past 17. I am documenting and once I move into my house, we are going back to court. Entitled losers never change. It’s all about them.

    • My ex whore left our daughter and I when she was still a junior in high school for her new shiny boy toy. 2 1/2 years later she still lives with him in a shitty apartment on the busiest street in town. She also hasn’t worked in 2 years so she’s 100% dependent on him. When our daughter asked her mom for some help with a bill she had exes excuse was “idiot” hasn’t put any money in my account yet this month….yeah….he can fucking have her!! Daughter has never spent the night with her mom since she left. While with me she’s completed veterinary assistant school and is working at a local vet clinic, enrolled to further her education and last week purchased and financed a car on her own..meanwhile ex sits at home waiting to do her wifely duties for her allowance. I don’t know if it’s karma but I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet.

      • You did dodge a bullet! We all did even if you don’t see it yet. We will not have to support these lazy bums in our old age. The majority of my trying to save so much for retirement was due to X. Had health problems in her 40’s and wouldn’t lift a finger to try to prevent them. Just had the attitude that I can take a pill for that. Now i’m free of that crap and can plan an active retirement!

        • Good for you buddy! Right after my ex cheated and left she lost her job she had for 17 years at a local community college…they suddenly required her job to have more education than she had. I’m pretty sure they forced her out due to the “new and improved” her. She cashed out her retirement and blew that over the next year which doesn’t surprise me at all since she couldn’t hang onto a nickel for 24 years we were together..I also sold off my business assets and went back into a trade that pays incredibly well and maintain health insurance for myself and my daughter..just returned from a vacation to the coast with my daughter while my ex sits in her apartment and listens to traffic. It’s kind of satisfying how it all turned out lol!

    • I pray your daughters take full notice of this discrepancy of support and caring between their two parents. It is so unjust that the cheaters keep living their entitled little lives while the caring, sane parent has to take care of all the expenses and adult responsibilities.

  • The state I’m requires a one year separation before divorce. I asked him to sign an agreement during that time but he refused saying we were going to get through this so there was no need for a formal separation, blah, blah blah or rather lie, lie, lie. When it became apparent to him that I wasn’t going to fall back to my chumpy self, he decided to stop helping with our joint bills and financially with our daughter. He went MIA, vanished, and wouldn’t respond to me. I had to track him down (not my first time, of course) and confront him before he admitted that he was done helping financially. I think he thought this would force me to fall back in line. Instead, I filed because our one year wait period was up. He was livid! I worked my ass off over the following months for a quick financial arrangement since I knew he didn’t want to go to court and all this to be public. It worked and he ended up paying more toward our joint bills and daughter than he was before. Idiot.

    But it doesn’t stop there of course because once you think you’re past a hurdle, they put up another one. He had to officially pay child support for 8 months before our daughter graduated HS (btw, he didn’t ask for any custody because he didn’t want the responsibility). He decided to withhold some of the child support money. When I asked him what was going on, he said he was planning to give that money to her directly. Another lie and certainly a decision he can’t make. So that had to be dealt with. Really? only 8 months and he still had to f*ck with me.

    I know the good folks of CN have endured much worse than I have and my heart goes out to each of you that have years of co-parenting and other financial entanglement with your ex. God bless each of you because it is not easy.

  • Im combining a deadbeat/karma story into one (even though I told it before).

    Nowdeadhusband had lied, cheated and taken a dream job on the other side of the continent while he claimed he was wreckonciling with me and not involved with OW (who, oddly enough, was also working in the same area as his new job, but I was SO CHUMPY, I believed his assurances that they didnt see each other.

    I single parented 2 teens and a elem school ager and did pretty well at it but I tried to foster them interacting when their dad was “visiting home”. Middle kid was 15 and went to a party and called home needing a ride. I told him “One of us will come get you” and he innocently asked “Mom, this other person you referred to, who are you speaking of?” yes folks, kid completely gave up on his dad to the point he was not even factored into sons thoughts.

    My “he was ready to spend on ow and deadbeat his kids” story came from the time of DDay which was completely insane. OW was engaged to a high end jeweler when she fucked my husband and because he and OW were such “good friends” H told me stories about her like the fact that her engagement ring cost $39,000. In a moment of insanity when he should have been more careful about what he told me, he shared that he ha planned to replace that ring with a $40,000 one one their relationship was free to be lived out. Trouble was, he didn’t make anywhere near the money to follow through on a promise like that and our kids had like $0 college fund. He was fully moving in the direction of fucking the kids over.

    That same year, in efforts to minimize his guilt and set up the process of leaving us, he bought life insurance…a term policy was much cheaper than the “survivor plan” that military retirees are offered. I had to sign for him to decline the military benefits and I was warned not to, but I was chumpy so I did as he said.

    Our wreckonciliation lasted 7 more years until he died and I received a lump sum payment to finish raising my kids. Oldest failed out of college 3 times (I tried, folks), middle kid is on the 10 yr plan but mostly supports himself and I only pay for tuition when it comes up and youngest is on a fast track to success….I pay for her school, apt, car – she banks her paychecks and started an IRA at 19.

    Today I have an appt to talk to my investment people about what to do with a pile of money I have had sitting in my saving acct (after I paid off my house and every debt me or the kids had) since H died…I was too scared to make that decision before, but today is the day. My new husband is also debt free and has enough saved that he never has to work again.

    My story is, admittedly, a wild deviation from the norm of chump struggles (and please know there were YEARS of miserable struggle…I worked sucky night shifts to keep us going and often went 26+ hours with no sleep) but it shows that you really dont know what life is going to serve up next.

    • even though we were “wreckonciled”, he was still so wildly self absorbed, his wants took precedence over any need or concern me or the kids had. He was ready to move away alone to get a “cool” job, refused to take a normal job (no matter how desperate we got) because it wasnt “fun” enough…he once talked me out of $20,000 I had saved for the kids college to fund a business venture. His buddy offered him a great job but he refused unless his friend gave him a percentage of the company (a case of dueling narcs who both felt very entitled). He bought a house and cars we could not afford then refused to get a job because he “didn’t want to”. Our last big fight was when he wanted to buy another car we couldnt afford and I would not rubber stamp my approval. He went through the house smashing things.

      • Oh gosh, your ex sounds incredibly juvenile and immature. Completely irresponsible and acting out by smashing things around the house. Sounds like you were married to an out of control juvenile delinquent. He also seems incredibly unstable. I don’t know how you managed to deal with him. I don’t think I could have lasted more than a few seconds with such a person. Hats off to you!

        • He was an ostensibly responsible person to the outside world; he managed to keep his shitpile very confined…and placed directly on my head. He was a wonderful son and brother. Good employee (when not fucking coworkers) and loyal Marine (ready to die for his country) but he (like his dad) was a terrible husband.

          He is one of 5 kids and one has a good marriage, the other 4 are various versions of “not good partner”. His sister published a book of porn poetry /short stories about her sexual escapades..pesky detail was her husband and teen daughters. And she actually thinks people should be genuinely PROUD of her being a “published author”. She is such a dolt I actually pity her (but not enough to write her into my will like I did her sibs).

          • Gee, the wonderful son and brother… nice smokescreen… They hide their crappiness so well to the point that others come to his defense and you want to tell them that they have absolutely no idea what they are talking about, but… what’s the point? The family/friends are better spacklers/enablers than we ever could be. How you could lie to your own mother to garner sympathy is low… But then again, in my experience, cheaters are good at low blows.

  • We spent 26 months in court and on the second to last round which was just the Tuesday after Father’s Day, he publically had his lawyer ask the judge “Does my client have to pay for college for his kids?” The judge, rolled up her eyes and barked “Yes”.

    He spent most of our court rounds whining that I had sole custody of the kids and he now wanted joint custody, and the kids were the most important thing….but when I asked him to put his money where his mouth was…. he went into arrears for child support during the divorce and was even requested in one of the settlement for…wait for it…he’ll let me have the marital home which I alone was paying for free and clear if I would release him from paying child support AND I would refund back the child support he had paid during the court proceedings. I looked at the phone as my lawyer gave me that request like it grew a head.

  • STBX hasn’t had much opportunity to be a deadbeat yet as we aren’t legally uncoupled, however a momentary peek into his dark soul at a particularly vulnerable time gave me pause to reflect about his future parenting capabilities. After about 20+ hours of labor during the birth of our daughter I was having issues with delivering. I was running a fever and my blood pressure keep dropping dangerously low. As a nurse was checking my vitals I asked him how he was doing. He hadn’t said much to me at all since we had arrived at the hospital, not offering much in support or concern (except when friends came by to visit). When I asked him if he had been able to get any rest during the night he turned to with his familiar, pissed off face and said, “What do you think? I’ve been in this stupid chair all night. No, I didn’t get much sleep. At least you’ve been lying in a bed all night.” The nurse gave me such a pity-filled look I felt like I wanted to sink under the bed. I turned to look at him and in that moment I thought to myself, there’s absolutely nothing appealing to me about this man. If I could get out of this bed right now I would walk out of this room and never look back. Of course, that didn’t happen. What also didn’t happen was an apology for being an insensitive jerk.

    • Are these people even human? A sure sign of no empathy and image management when you had visitors…

      My ex complained that no-one paid him much attention when I was delivering and he was made to feel like a spare part… Right. He whinged a lot when I was sick all over the floor when his pizza had been delivered to the maternity ward. I had been induced so I was having permanent constant contraction pain with no let up. Then I was sick everywhere. But the most important thing was I’d put him off his pizza. Then his FB and Twitter baby announcements didn’t even mention me at all, let alone saying I was ok, or he was proud of me, like I’d observed other baby daddies do. Nope, I didn’t exist. I wouldn’t care too much, but he talked about himself in those posts, claiming our son was a Mini-me (I.e mini him).

      I have many more of these, but just one more for now… When our son was about 2-weeks old, he was cradling him while we were chatting. I can’t remember what we were talking about, be it breastfeeding or how a baby needs its mother, but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.” Just like that, in the middle of a chat. I’m still a bit creeped out by that.

      • That IS super creepy! Obviously coming from somewhere deep inside someone with no real ability to connect with human beings.

        My STBX always made comments that were eerily emotionless and caused me to wonder how any human being could say those things to anyone, much less to someone they claimed to care about.

        • Mine, too. If I had a cold, he would smile and exclaim, “It’s time to find a replacement for your mom!” One of the kids told me today that used to really creeped them out.

      • “but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.”

        OMG, this sent chills down my spine. Was he planning on killing you? Why even entertain the thought that you would die and him and his child would be ok without you? I’m sorry, but did you ever consider your ex-husband was a sociopath or a psychopath. He literally stated that he’d be ok if you died. Is he even human?

        • Kellia – ‘“but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.”

          Wow, this terrifies me.
          I watch a lot of true crime.

          When I was divorcing, I totally felt my life was in danger from this man who appeared to love me for over 3 decades and never raised a hand to me.
          Very even-tempered man.
          I read and watched a lot of true crime all my life, and I knew, it didn’t matter what you both were before the affair: all the tension, anger and terrible words come out. It is a VERY dangerous time for both people splitting up, especially when you don’t tell them you’ve changed the locks, and he replies he has all the guns and knows how to use them. This guy was NOT threatening at all before then, but I was very scared for the first time in my life.

          Suddenly unpredictable people who can carry on a double life for 3 years is capable of a very dark side.
          That much was obvious.
          Thank God my family stayed with me during this time.
          I had an army….and of course, my 4 Danes 🙂

          • Cricket–“just the host” *#$!@ What a fucking asshole. What did he contribute? One little swimmy thing, I’m guessing, because he sucked as much at fatherhood as he did at husband-hood.

            (P.S. After all your disclosures today, your X is vying for my Top-5 ‘Tony Soprano’ treatment list. Pine Barrens, anyone?)

      • Kellia – ‘“but what I do remember is what he said: “we’d be ok if you died.”
        Now and again, you got a glimpse into the dark bottomless pit of viciousness that is your X. He is awful. Sorry you have to parent with that demon.

      • They’re so self centered, no matter what the circumstances. I was in labor for 24 hours while X slept on a recliner, got up to got to the bathroom, ask how much longer, got something to eat and bought it back, fell asleep again. When it came time for me to push, they woke X up, he went to change into his college T-shirt and combed his hair preparing for pictures. I ended up pushing for two hours before our son was born. In the middle of the series of pushing, and counting to 10,
        X walks ups to me and says, hey, my feet really hurt from standing this long, I couldn’t believe my ears, I turned to him and said, I don’t want to hear it.., then he says, my feet hurt .., I’ve been on my feet for an hour.., wtf?

        • Mine said the same thing – his feet hurt!!! I was in labor then pushed for four hours only to have a c-section, yet it was all about his sore feet – ugh.

  • I guess I am lucky because the XH pays his child support. However, in our agreement it also states that he has to pay half of extracurricular activities such as dance, volleyball, school field trips, automobile and insurance when they get to driving age, etc. He has chosen to say no to paying his half. He cries that he has no money. It only affects the children but he doesn’t care. Last year he bought a brand new three bedroom townhouse with very high monthly HOA fees, a new car and I am constantly seeing him wearing new “hookup-ware” as he likes to call it.

    Really, my children have eyes. They see the refrigerator stocked with beer and the liquor cabinet overflowing. They see the new clothes and shoes. They see the weekend trips and vacations with the girlfriend. I don’t have to say a word other than mommy will be taking care of the costs.

    And on another note, my daughters are not allowed to just go into his house to get their belongings. They must text or call first. My oldest daughter said to me, “I don’t understand. When I forget something at home and I walk in, you’re so happy to see me. But dad gets angry when I walk into his home.” Again, I say nothing.

    It is sad that these people don’t see or care about the damage they inflict on others.

    • Lawd, what a douche. It holds true that you don’t *have* to convince kids of the truth, or really say much of anything. Eventually, they can see it for themselves. As much as it pains you and as much as you wish they had an AMAZING dad instead of the one they got, they’re smart and eventually they see all on their own. Actions speak louder than words.

  • I look back and marvel at my chumpyness in comparison to Superdad’s assholery.

    Superdad is a divorce attorney (I know, I know, I should have seen the signs). He has two kids born a month apart when he was in high school (but that was high school and he was a football player so NOW he is much different, right?). He came from a chronic line of cheaters but I was so “harsh” and “negative” to hone in on that because his father also taught him valuable life lessons (in between beating on and cheating on his mom).

    I sometimes want to bang my head against a wall at my chumpy excuses for his behavior… he made well over $120K a year yet pre-divorce we couldn’t afford glasses for our son (where did the money go??). Right now, he’s too busy to visit with his kids each week because he decided to convert to Catholicism and has classes to take; he said other Protestant denominations were just too “grey” about right vs wrong (pretty sure cheating is clear across the board). And he insists on bullying me over the phone saying I’m a “gold digger” when I talk about child support and not ruining my credit (he’s too busy to pay his car bill on time so whoopsie, my credit is destroyed because he didn’t refinance his car out of my name). Why should he share in expenses of his children that he volunteered to do and that are well above child support costs? I should suck it up since he is too busy with work and his other kids to spend time with the babies. Or not attend his daughters birthday party because I wasn’t “welcoming enough” at his son’s party a month before (WTF? We got along fine) so his then 4 year old cried that daddy didn’t want to come to her party because he had to wash his car instead (then asked why I didn’t save him any cake… irony, right?).

    Most of the time I’m meh, until he continues his douchebaggery in ways that affect our kids or my finances… unfortunately both are all too often so I’m still learning how to let go even when he’s an asshat.

    • Love the “not welcoming enough” comment. I get the “you make things uncomfortable” comment. Why didn’t you come to the hospital when your daughter was there for 3 days? “Because of you”. Really? Seems to me that decision should have been all about her. You can bet your ass that if the situation was reversed, I would have been there regardless of whether you were there or not.

    • This made me see RED! I got “I didn’t feel comfortable,” when I asked why he didn’t come say good bye to the kids before we moved out of state – actually four states away. I can’t begin to imagine how he can be that disconnected.

  • Here’s my thoughts. The system’s fucking rigged against men. The same laws that you fellow female chumps have are the same ones cheating whore wives have. I want out so fucking badly I can scream, but it will quite possibly cost me so much, I won’t be able to support myself. So do I feel badly for you women screwed by your cheating x husbands? Yes. The fact wife whore has me by the balls and I can’t viably extricate myself from this shit show? I think I’ll be emulating your scumbag exes financial behaviors sooner rather than later

    • Resist that temptation if you can. it is never nice to be caught by the short and curlies, regardless of what genitalia you are packing. I DO feel for guys in a situation where it is automagically assumed that the Mom is the better nurterer. It equally sucks when one is presumed to be emotionally unstable because one is packing a uterus. Kids DO need parents in their lives, just not socipaths.

      We can’t fix that, at least not here, and not today. The system is not rigged in favor of women or men:it is rigged in favor of the assholes.

      Financial abuse is just a facet of it. My ex cleaned out our savings, pension, etc and he throws Kiddo a pittance when HE feels like it. Financially, I might as well be 21, but the birth certiciate says I am closing in on 50. Even if kids are not in the mix, half of what you worked for is better than nothing. If I had it to do again, I woild advise lawyer to take the path of swiftest and most final division of assets.

      Get that done, then get a life. I’ll buy you a beer when we get to Meh.

    • I feel for you – I really do. But emulate our assholes at your own risk. Your children will see you hiding money, bitching about having none yet spending like there is no tomorrow. They will remember what you do, and they will neither understand it nor forgive it.

      It sucks. No fault divorces are absolute bullshit. But if your kids live in poverty while you sport a new car? You will forfeit your relationship with them.

    • DunChumpin-
      Documentation and a private investigator are your friend. You have to fight. If you can show your wife is using marital moneys to fund an affair, most Judges will react punitively, in all states.

      There are men who have fought and won. You need a woman attorney schooled in high conflict divorces who will take her down. Women can be vicious….more so than men attorneys.

      Most disordered people are cowards. You can back them up with a big show of force on the front end and get her to settle. But you have to put up your dukes.

      • Sylvia

        I got tapes, confessions, emails and texts. My first lawyer, nicely, laughed. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Being right doesn’t matter. Not in this state. So, I’m left with that. I’ve read your posts. We grew up near eachother. Similar comfort in dark places. I’m not looking for revenge though. Just survival. I’m getting other opinions. We’ll see.

    • I have nothing useful to say that I really, really feel for men in your situation. As if the injustice we suffer as chumps is not enough.

      Although rare, bare in mind there will be women in your situation too. It’s not about gender, so much as child custody and who is the highest earner and who has the greatest need.

      But I concur that it doesn’t always work fairly where morality, ethics, integrity, honesty and being a decent person is concerned. Just know, we do know the injustice you suffer.

      • There I go, missing out words again. What I meant to start with was: I have nothing useful to say, only that I really… Etc

    • Dun, If a pregnant woman with kids can find a job, find a place to live and file for divorce, so can you. You can file for full custody or 50/50. Your STBX would have to get a job if she doesn’t have one now. And while you will certainly lose some of the assets you have in the settlement, you’ll be amazed at how fast you can recover once you aren’t saddled with a disordered person and/or a cheater.

    • I’m sorry Don, what you say is absolute bullshit. Fight or lay down and get fucked over, your choice. And no matter how hard you fight or how much money you lay out you may still get fucked. I know I did. But I am sick and tired of hearing me say the system is rigged for women. It is NOT. There are many women chumps here who got fucked over by the system. You want unbiased truth there are plenty of studies that support what I’m saying, not so much your claim. Frankly if your integrity is so low you will stoop to the shit cheaters do then WTF ever.

  • My STBX has refused to give my attorney an address (we have asked 3 times). Will not answer the question about what he even wants in terms of parenting time. Is trying to hide his income from his side business by putting girlfriend on his payroll (first employee he has ever had in 17 years, her hours are zero, and made her salary equal to the net income from last year). Only spends time with the kids when it fits in his schedule (which is about 60-90 minutes maybe 3 a month). Has never (not even once) sat down to talk to the kids about his leaving, his wanting a divorce, or his dating in the last 10 months (but then sends them text messages to blame me or make them feel guilty and sorry for him). Youngest kid was in the hospital for 3 days and he didn’t visit once. Every day off he has taken has been to spend it with OW and never even asked the kids if they want to do something. Shows up at some of their games, stands off to the side, and leaves at the end without even talking to them.

    Yet, he blames me for making things uncomfortable, not cooperating, and brainwashing the kids. The fact is that I simply stopped sugar coating his choices and behavior in order to protect them from the reality of who their father is, and I stopped facilitating their relationship. I no longer plan things for them or tell him every detail of what is going on in their lives, or force the kids to respond or answer their dad’s phone calls or texts. He is now responsible for managing his own relationship with them, to spend time with them, and talk with them to find out what is going on in their lives. I share their calendars with him and tell him when something medically goes on (like my daughter’s hospital stay and results of tests). The rest is up to him. He is not doing very well…

    • Exactly.
      Not only did I facilitate the kids’ relationship with him, I facilitated their relationship with his family. I kept them informed, planned and prepared visits, bought Xmas and birthday gifts. Post dday, even knowing he had an affair, they went radio silence with me. I get that he is their son, but if they want a relationship with their grandkids, they should continue to at least be cordial.
      It turns out I am divorcing the whole family, and, since their son is the product of them and their dysfunction, it is no big loss.

      • I have the opposite. I, too, was the one who bridged the relationship with the in-laws and kids. STBX rarely visited them (kids and I went without him) and when they came, he didn’t alter his work schedule so I was the one who spent most of the visit with them. His sister is disgusted with him and last time she came to visit, she stayed with us and didn’t even tell him she was coming. His dad and wife came a couple weeks later and stayed with us, too.

        I let them both know that I wanted the kids to keep their relationships with them. I decided that I just wouldn’t talk to them about STBX, if possible. For now, it is working okay. They are not happy with the things he has done. And they love my kids. And I am pretty sure they love me too. We have been family for over 20 years.

        I don’t know if that will continue as time goes on. I have to assume that eventually he will want to start bringing OW around. So, we will just keep rolling with the punches as they come.

    • Getmefree, you are not an appliance. He is such an entitled jerk.

      All these idiots are like middle-schoolers – it is unnerving. How do they function?

      • I wonder the same thing. Then I remember that I put up with it and didn’t see most of it for 20 years. They are charming, manipulating, and masters of gaslighting. They probably do the same with everyone else in their lives.

        • I think a couple of things.

          1. They are shallow and mirror back what people hope to see. And most people don’t look very hard – and the assholes like that.

          2. It’s not that we’re stupid – they intentionally deceive and it’s effective because we do not expect it. I think it’s odd that treason is punishable by death but infidelity is seen as the victim’s fault. X believes I deserved this, in part, because I was dumb to trust him. I kinda believe that too.

          • They do mirror back what people want to see. Mine is capable of getting along with all kinds of people and who he presents himself as changes with who he is with. He kept his life compartmentalized. So, I didn’t see a lot of it. It wasn’t until I started checking his phone did I discover this. The words and tone he used in text messages varied widely. I was appalled at how vulgar some were to a few friends. He never talked like that around me. It is all about wearing masks.

            And yes, they purposely deceived us. We were compassionate, wanted to see the best, and at least in my case, I had never met anyone who would be that deceptive. I was only 18 when I met him and I had lived a life that did not have much debauchary in it. It was all foreign to me.

            I, too, am embarrassed that I fell for it and put up with it for so long. I have no desire to get involved with anyone else anytime soon. More than being afraid to trust someone else, I am afraid to trust my picker. I knew I was done with him for good when I was fine with the possibility of being alone romantically for the rest of my life as that would be preferable to ever giving him another chance.

          • And nobody deserves this. My STBX kept repeating “why do you think I cheated? I wasn’t happy.” Implying that I didn’t do my job to make him happy. Nobody could. When your soul is empty, you use people for whatever you want, and disrespect the very people you claim to love, happiness is unattainable. They cheated on us because they have shit for character and are entitled pricks.

        • GetmeFree – You put up with it, because the behavior was present, but likely not directed at you. These people display weird behaviors with other people, but so long as they are willing to stay with us, and the attachment to us is there, we tolerate them. But it’s once this weird behavior gets directed at us and the person no longer wants to be with us, that we realize we don’t like this behavior. But in 99% of the time, these people had weird behaviors, it didn’t affect the attachment we had with them. It’s once the relationship is threatened and these weirdos turn that behavior on us that it becomes a wake up call for the spouse. It’s what I’ve observed.

  • My ex was “stay at home” #leavingkidsincar, #facebook parent of year. I pay him child support because he’s a famous local artist #underthetable. He supposedly pays for dental/medical. I’m just so sad at the storyline that he’s the victim. #livesinhousetwicetheworthofmine, #onwifenumber4withkibblesonside.

    It makes me tired. How do I get to meh?!?!

    • You might consider going back to court if he’s remarried. Her income would count toward his cost of living, at least.

  • Mr Fab pays the minimum of child support. I have 98% custody. It literally is enough for Kiddo’s lunch money. Having said he would go halfsies on occasional expenses like glasses or therapy, he has since said no way, up to and including, “Well, I didn’t agree that Kiddo needs new glasses.” I am like, “She has needed soecs since she was six, dumbass….”

    I have reconciled with my footing the bill. Paying rent on an underemployed salary? Growing some of your own food? Scouring the second hand shops for clothes that aren’t too shabby so Kiddo can sing in a choir? All an expensive pain in the ass. Raising my daughter without that toxic fuckwit and his bar buddy bint around? Priceless!

  • I have never told anyone this, as it is so shameful. But secrets make us sick, and maybe it will help me heal.

    When I was with the X, he was very generous with me with money. Most of the time.

    About 6-8 weeks after the D-Day, and I broke up with him, I was missing him like a desert misses the rain. I was wild. I called him and begged him to answer questions I had about us.

    His money was tied up in a business snafu, and he was having money problems.

    In a matter of fact, neutral and calm voice he said, and I quote:

    “Give me about $7,000 and you can ask me as many questions you want.”

    And then, comrades, I knew…… I was messing with a whole different beast. Not human.

      • Yes.

        What you wrote, Lulu, about your X sizing things up for medical benefits…that is how my X thought. He hid it so well…but he was always scheming, ten steps away of his victim.

        An act that seemed selfless….never was. There was always a pay off for him. Predator.

    • “Give me about $7,000 and you can ask me as many questions you want.”

      I can’t believe he said this. How about you don’t give him anything and he can shove his answers up his ass. Talk about being entitled and having the gall to ask you for money in return for his precious answers. Who does he think he is, the Dalai Lama, lol.

    • Sylvia: I know most of us would pay that amount of money to find out the real, live truth about our relationships. You were so wise to know (a) that $7000 would never give you the truth from him, and (b) someone who would make that offer is too sick to tangle with.

      • Tempest,
        I fill like I have won a prize when I can receive counsel from you. Thank you.
        Those crystallizing moments….that was one.
        What a mockery of love.

        • Yup this. Mine cheated on his OW with me after the separation (yes I fell off the wagon) them asked me for $65000 of my settlement money right after. ..wasn’t remotely worth that much you wackjob!

  • He knew that I was frantic, and he knew I had the money. He knew I was so wrecked one his cheating that I was not thinking clearly.

    I guess he thought it was worth a shot?

    It was a moment in time…where everything slowed down….like moving underwater, his voice like a machine, warbled.

    Thank you for acknowledging how bad it was. And I still miss this monster? I am glad I posted this. You are both very savvy and you see “right” away…how bad it was. HE IS.

    • That, Sylvia, makes me feel physically sick. How truly awful.

      I tell my daughter that monsters don’t exist so that she can sleep at night. How can I tell her there really are monsters, that they walk among us, tell us that they love us and then wait for the perfect moment when we’re at our most vulnerable to devour us whole?

      • Done4Good,
        Thank you for acknowledging it. It was a nightmare.

        I know your X is sociopathic. So, you understand. The X was serious. You see…the mask was entirely off. He knew I would never forgive him, so he thought…I can still get something out of this.

        You see…..he KNEW how much I loved him. He SAW me vomit when I found those texts. So, he was going to go for my money. And I don’t have that much. But he knew I had something he could take from me.

        You have to school your daughter about people who have no conscious and the “tells” they give off. When she is older.

        One of the intake questions they ask you at The Institute is this:

        How many hours do you spend out of bed each day?

        Why do they ask that question? Because tangling with a sociopath leaves so many women (and men) completely non functional. Most of the summer, I spend staring at my ceiling fan or with my eyes shut, not asleep. I was a zombie. I clawed my way back to life……alone.

        • I’m very glad your spirit found its way to the surface. I’m also glad you’re here. I love your posts.

    • Sylvia, these cheaters are masters at making us feel guilty or question whether something they have done or said is really “that bad”. Telling someone else reminds us that yes, they are really that bad and disordered.

      • Yes, GetMeFree!
        That is so right. My family and friends are not sophisticated like this group. They understand he is a jerk…but not that he is pathological. That my life and finances and sanity were at risk. My mother sort of gets it, but again, she is maxed out on this topic.

        • I get that. I left the absolute worst parts out with my family and friends. Only one dear, close friend knows most, not all, of the nightmare that was my marriage. I just don’t believe they would a) understand most of what I could tell them and b) be able to do or say anything helpful anyway. All they know is that he left us and did some pretty jerky things along the way.

          Recovery has been completely on my own for the most part and had it not been for my daughter, school and work I could have completely lost myself in despair. It’s like I told my closest friend, emotional abuse is very covert. I didn’t even recognize myself that it was happening for the longest time. So how you can expect anyone to understand what you yourself haven’t even accepted is happening?

          • I agree SIS and Doneforgood. Parents just don’t understand…. LOL That’s why we’re all here. Because the stories we tell are so unbelievable that people would have such a hard time understanding unless they themselves have experienced these types of people for themselves. I remember piecing the puzzle together and thinking, WTF, who would believe me if I told them? They do make us sound crazy, it’s incredible… The good news is that I can see the bullshit coming from a mile away now. I will NEVER let someone pull the wool over on me again. It does change you…

        • This reminded me about the finances thing. He always found a way to get me this way too. Get his debts paid off while I struggled to pay mine. Tied up our savings account so he could he get a low-interest loan to pay off a credit card. Take a tax refund and pay something of his off. For some reason my debt was always seen as all my own doing and I was on my own to pay it down. His debt was our debt. So he wanted to get a second mortgage to pay off his debts. Debts he incurred during our separation. After DD #3. After I had asked HIM if we could check into getting a better rate on a refinance and he told me NO. I’ll give you two guesses what my response was.

          • Your story reminded me that x blamed me for not working enough (I’m a high school English teacher) because I had summers off and because I wanted my daughter to go to a good college. I felt vaguely guilty the whole time we were married: I was the reason we couldn’t have nice things.

            Also, I paid for him to quit his low-paying repairman job and retrain for a new career. He was out of work for three years during this “transition.”

            Anyway, he was always harping about being frugal, and my being wasteful, that it shocked me profoundly to discover that he was spending money out the wazoo on his dick.

            All of our savings. I’m mad at myself for allowing my brain to create the pretzel logic needed to think this guy was a good match.

    • As recent as 6 months ago I never would have imagined saying this, but I wish he would have ended up with OW #2 (aka the Bunny Boiler) because they so obviously deserved each other. Both are devious, selfish monsters who care little for anyone else and at least if she was still in the picture he might be more motivated to get on with the divorce.

        • True, but I think that would have been short-lived. His MO is that his attention is on his “supply.” Eventually his own daughter would have taken the backseat to what was clearly his growing obsession with what he deems to be good supply. The OW became less suitable as a supply source when she failed to worship only him and ditch her fiancée. Hence she was devalued and discarded. The classic narcissist’s relationship cycle. She came back around for more but he had already moved on to another supply source by then.

  • He walked out the door and said: “I think you should put the house on the market next week.” He continued to drive the car that was registered to me and for which I had to pay the car loan and car insurance, or it would have ruined my credit. He charged 64k on my Amex right before he left and I had to pay it so as not to ruin my credit. He used 55k of the Heloc, which I had to pay or it would have defaulted on the (second) mortgage. He gave me zero from the day he walked but I had to continue to pay all these bills as well as his medical insurance (through my employer) and red light camera tickets (10k) that he amassed on that car in my name. He had a cash business and made far more than I did but he said that I had all the money, I spent all the money. In the end, he gave me ZERO but he tried to get me to sell the house and I refused. He asked that my jewelry be inventoried, sold and proceeds split, and I refused. He tried to get me to buy him out of the house and I refused. I got the house (with all that debt refinanced), I got my 401k, he got his business and Schmoopie. But to think that my husband of 35 years left me without a dime- hard to believe. He said that I am the “nicest person” he knows. IS that how you treat the nicest person you know? But of course, he also abandoned his only son and has spoken to him twice in a year and a half. So it does all go together- shitty character, cheating in every possible way, lying to the people who loved him, and twisting the knife just a bit more at the end.

    • “He said that I am the “nicest person” he knows. IS that how you treat the nicest person you know?”

      To him “nice” didn’t mean sweet. It meant in his eyes you were the “doormatiest” person he knows. Someone who could be walked all over and someone whom he didn’t respect. That’s why he was barking orders at you, and telling you what to do. People like your ex-husband are disordered and the only thing they understand is someone who can put them in their place and rip them a new one. These mentally disordered folk don’t understand niceness, because to them it means being spineless. They respect you and back off, when you hit harder than they do and kick them in the teeth. It is only then they back off. Trust me, I know because I’ve been in your shoes, the nice girl, where an Ex tried to take advantage of me.

  • My exH is a vanilla deadbeat, just as he was a vanilla cheater.
    He pays, but I have to ask every 6-7 weeks for him to pay his share of kid expenses (we have a shared file which we update). When he pays for travel tickets for youngest, he asks for immediate payment.

    Eldest is two years away from college — not contact with him. I have been told he will not contribute to her college education unless a) he is included in the decision where she goes, and b) she asks him directly for the money.
    Ex now has two kids 3 and under, so he is stressing over money.

    So… No truly horrific deadbeat dad stories from me, just stories of my pathetically passive ex who only thinks of himself.

    • Yep, I know this one….it is part of the pathology. My ex is pulling precisely that shit. Kiddo is currently pondering whether the bow and scrape is worth it. I had exactly the same deal with my own dad.

      I am currently reading Aaron James’ Assholes:a Theory. By definition an asshole “allows himself to enjoy special advantages in social relations out of an entrenched sense of entitlement that immunizes him against the complaints of other people.”

      I’d take this a bit further-‘immunized against the needs of other people, up to and including their own kids.’

      There simply isn’t a ‘there’ there because Mr Fab isn’t little people. Breaks my heart to see Kiddo understanding this, but she is learning this earlier than I did.

      Sole sane parents, I salute you.

  • My deadbeat dad went off with the OW while I was 3 months pregnant with our (planned) firstborn, leaving me unable to pay the mortgage on my house, so I had to rent it out and move in with my parents. He didn’t
    contribute a penny to the baby’s new things whilst furnishing his new lovepad and taking trips with the the OW.

    He visited a few times when the baby arrived only to disappear for 8 months stopping child support. He then had me served with court papers for access to the baby the day before my first Mother’s Day. The court-case was unnecessary as I’d never blocked access. The court case was the day after my mother had major surgery for cancer and cost me £2k in solicitors fees. But was worth ever penny as the judge ruled that for him to have unsupervised access he had to comply with a few things, which of course he hasn’t. So he has to come and sit in my front room every week for two hours and is not allowed to leave with my son. He keeps threatening to take me back to court, he even gaslights me with what is in the court order that he won’t comply with. He’s stopped his parents having any contact with me so they’ve never seen their grandson and he tells everyone that everything is my fault.

    Luckily I met another chump when my boy was 8 weeks old and he’s brought him up as his own, my boy adores my new boyfriend and listening them laugh together fills my heart with joy, my ex just gets a deadpan stare from him everytime he visits. We are both pretty Meh about him

    • The OW was an old school friend of mine and a few others I am still in touch with. She had never had a long (or medium) term relationship. At 38, with a good career, she decided to get pregnant. Living away from the small town we grew up in, she told us all that she had met a wonderful man and they had planned a baby together. He was very excited. Then he left her at 6 weeks (?!) pregnant. We were all shocked and felt terribly for her. Turns out that story was all total bullshit. She was fucking a guy from a far away city for shits and giggles. He would only fuck her doggy style (don’t ask me why I know this!) I think he couldn’t bear to look at her ugly face. Anyway, I am pretty sure he was married. She stole semen out of a used condom. And impregnated herself. He refused to have anything to do with the child. We knew nothing of this, only the sad sausage tale. And how she had to get DNA tests and a court order to make him pay child support. Several years later, after I discovered she had been fucking my partner, while we shared our holiday home with her, as I empathised about her latest horror with her son and that terrible (yeah right) deadbeat dad, I discovered the truth. That she duped some poor schmuck who was stupid enough to use her as a free hooker when in her city. #allclass. Reads like some super trailer trash pulp fiction. Ewwww.

  • My not soon enough to be EX Fucktard pays his child support. Because he has to. But that is it. He will occasionally ask the kids if they need money – and give $5. He bitches and moans to them about being broke. About possibly bouncing checks because he has been more then fair to mom (HA!).

    They see through it. They see that he has no bills, no utitilities no rent no nothing. His life is a mystery to them as he doesn’t talk about it. No one knows where he is living (we know it is with his whore, sometimes he’ll admit this to the older kids but not the younger ones).

    Mr Family Man has completely deadbeated his way out of their lives. Two hours twice a week. Unless they go to a movie. He has no desire to see them. Mainly I think because they make him feel ashamed. They aren’t happy that he is happy. He can’t understand that. He also can’t face the consequences of his own actions. That they are still angry makes him angry. That they don’t like him makes him not like them. He may as well be 16 himself. Why not? He’s pretending he’s 35 again…..

    I have no doubt that there will come a time when he will want to play Mr Family Man again. Probably when Cunt Face dumps his aging decrepit ass, but his kids won’t want to go back to the roles of adoring children. I don’t think these assholes – narcicists – cheaters fully understand that when they take their masks off…..they are off for good. Once you see them for who they really are, you can’t unsee that. As my youngest daughter said about her father “I miss the Dad I thought I had”. I think that pretty much sums it up for all of our cheaters, doesn’t it?

  • This is pretty much Post Of The Year for me. I’m SO here for this post.

    “Just remember to be kind and include paragraph breaks.” — Chump Lady, I love you so.

    I just want you all to know that my post was too long for the comment box, and got declined. Haha! So just know that it was really really good. If Obi Wan were looking at my ex he’d say “The deadbeatness is strong with this one.”

  • You wouldn’t think someone who died before I found out about the cheating could be a “deadbeat ex”, but Nowdeadserialcheaterwife somehow found a way.

    She had accumulated about fifteen thousand dollars in unpaid medical bills (copays, labs, and hospital visits, mostly associated with her pill addiction) that she was too disorganized to even tell me about, at the time of her death.

    The various providers were pretty good about writing things off. I only ended up paying about six grand to settle everything. One was a lab company who wanted five thousand dollars for the drug tests associated with finding a new chronic pain doctor – she got kicked out of her last one for filling an extra painkiller scrip from her podiatrist. They wrote it off completely. Her dentist was the most hardcore – that guy wouldn’t budge, to the tune of several hundred dollars.

    I guess that’s what life insurance is for.

    • At least she’s paying child support, in a sense. Her SS survivor’s benefit is going to put our daughter through college.

  • The X-hole spent decades losing money and not really having much of a career. I had to bail him out numerous times when he “may have to go to jail if it doesn’t get paid.” We lived through a decade of having bills not paid and people showing up at our door to collect.
    I got a promotion, moved back stateside with him and kids in tow, took over he bills and finances, bought our first home. We finally had savings and investments, but then I found out about his vacations with his girlfriend right before our 20 year anniversary.

    So what do I get for years with the worthless, money-losing liar? I lost half of my savings and half of my pension that I worked hard for. He never even bothered with the child support he was supposed to pay.

    At least the idiot is out of my life and I can add back my savings, still pissed about my pension.

  • My 47 year old soon-to-be-ex spent $200 on concert tickets for him and his 27 year old girlfriend, while my son had to sleep on a blow up bed at his house and eat on the floor because he couldn’t afford a bed and table/chairs.

    After carrying on with their affair for a year and a half (with my $$), they are now starting to feel the pinch of no $$. My ex has maxed out his credit cards and spends all of his cash, and he can’t afford to keep up the charade that he has $$ to treat her well. I obviously haven’t got to Meh yet because I an enjoying the thought of him not being able to treat her as well as he did when we were married and he had my $$ to spend on her. The kids and I of course suffer because he gives us no $$ and spends what he has on his girlfriend and her 2 year old baby. …yes she had a baby when started the relationship with my husband and was she breastfeeding too. #rant

  • My ex stole my kid’s entire Lego collection that my mom had been buying them since my youngest was born. I had to get it back through my lawyer but he kept refusing unless I gave him $900. Even his lawyer was disgusted!

    Until child support was enforced, he offered me an “allowance” of $100 a week.

    He stopped paying the kids health insurance when I moved out.

    He always plans his weekends with our kids around his social calendar.

    He badmouths me to our daughter. She ended up having to go to counselling because it was upsetting her so much. Then, the worst part was that he tried to come off like father of the year by saying it was his idea for her to go.

    All his friends and family thinks he is a fantastic Dad. Makes me want to puke!

    I could go on and on but it just gets me too angry!

  • Where to begin?

    1. When Mr. Sparkles dropped the bomb that he was leaving, didn’t bother to ask if I would be able to maintain the house for our son – BUT… he did ask if I would co-sign his lease because his credit was too shitty.

    2. 90 days after moving out and announcing he’s met someone who has made him “feel like he didn’t know he could again”… do I want to split the cost of Christmas presents for the kids (only one is biologically mine, the other 4 are stepchildren)… and can we celebrate at my house (he didn’t want to spend $$ on a tree)

    3. To this day, is listed on my health insurance along with stepchildren… but doesn’t reimburse me for the expense (I’ve since filed a motion to drop them and get $$ back)

    4. Pre-nup was upheld – but no final judgement on divorce yet so it isn’t “real”… he stopped paying in accordance to our separation agreement… now in arrears to me for thousands $$.

    5. Couldn’t help stepkids with college expenses but went on an exotic trip to the islands with OW.

    6. Has no money to split costs of lessons for son, but belongs to a wine of the month club and a cross fit gym.

    7. Is continuing to stall on the divorce, driving up my legal bills.

    But you know what… fuck him. I have an amazing son and am blessed with a job that allows me to provide for him without Mr. Sparkles support. Living within my means – not support – has been key to not falling victim to his deadbeat Dad manipulations. The court (and God) will have its way with him in due time.

    Rock on Chump Nation!

    • I feel your pain. My ex refuses to split costs for lessons as well because he can’t afford it. Yet, takes his OW on vacation.

  • I could write a long and colorful dissertation about my deadbeat, but as I am busy working stressful 70+ hour week job (as a consequence of abusive STBX bleeding me dry in court (think we are on our 14th hearing, and divorce has not been finalized). One of the worst moments was learning that STBX had used the money that was supposed to go to our kids for college for sex with prostitutes and some vacations (without our family) because ‘he deserved them.’ Not surprisingly, he is way behind on support although he buys himself lots of things (clothes, accessories, vacations, more sessions with prostitutes?) I could go on and on, but will stop for now.

    • Rockstar, I’m so sorry your life is so tough right now! But your ex is sub-human. Spending the kids’ college savings???? I hope you are well rid of him, ASAP.

  • While at court, XH asked to pick up child one hour late that week as he had “a meet and greet.” I agreed, then he no-showed and I had a crying preschooler on my hands. (To note: he had testified to swinging with OW just the month before.)

    Within days of court regarding his request to reduce his child support order, XH enrolled child in an extracurricular I told him I couldn’t afford at the time. When he re-enrolled child for next term, he sends a condescending email that he can help with child related expenses, all I have to do is ask. WTF? Same broke guy can afford extracurriculars, toys and other no essentials?

  • I’ve got a fun dead-beat story.

    My oldest son is from a previous relationship. I and this other clown were dating when I was 15. He was 19. (Looking back – what 19-year-old would want to date a 15-year-old? A LOSER!) Anyway – I got pregnant at 16. After my son was born I went through the county for child support. Loser never had a job and had every excuse in the book not to work (back issues, was going to join the military, other bullshit). So here I WAS taking work off every 3 months to go to court only to leave with NOTHING because they kept giving him opportunities to provide validation for these claims. He never did show proof and finally – the judge had had enough and said “Asswipe – you can work a $5.00/hour job at 40 hours per week because I think you are full of shit.”

    I was ‘awarded’ $120/month. (Mind you this is nearly 30 years ago so minimum wage was around $5.00/hour.)

    Fast forward 13 years or so. At this point I’m getting about $200/month because of cost of living increases. My son’s biological asswipe doesn’t exercise visitation, in fact hasn’t seen his kid since he was 2. I’m happily married to a future cheating asswipe and we have 2 more kids. I don’t complain about child support – I’m just glad I’m getting a little extra money and dipshit doesn’t bother us.

    I suddenly get a call from my Child Support officer. She states that dumbass wants to REDUCE his ($200/month) child support. And – I AGREED to it because he “leaves us alone.” My child support officer at that point said he wanted to start seeing my son again (although he technically had visitation rights this whole time but because it had been so long since he had seen my son, I could say no to visitation…) OK – then I don’t agree with a reduction.

    We go to court. 13 years ago his child support was based on a $5.00/hour job. He is at this point making about $30,000/year. Guess what happened? Yep – his child support didn’t get reduced – it increased to $400/month! LMAO! What a fucking idiot! He’s the one who thought he was paying too much? He obviously didn’t do his research on what the going rate for child support was cuz he was getting by pretty cheap paying what he was! I never rocked the boat, never asked for any medical reimbursements – NOTHING and he wants his child support reduced?

    I love telling that story 🙂

  • I had full custody of my daughters. Our salaries were similar however my ex timed the child support negotiations for a period while he was temporarily earning a reduced salary. He was ordered to pay a grand total of $220 a month per child (one 12 years old, one 18). I can’t imagine having to detail everything you spend on your children on top of all the work being a “single” parent is!
    He was supposed to pay for “extras” as well but never once in 10 years paid for any of the “extras” such as college tuition, sports fees etc. He also had the nerve to tell my 13 year old that I was profiting from the money that I got for her. WTF??? $220 a month to house, feed, clothe etc. a teen ager??? What profit? So I had to show her that he was out to lunch by doing a balance sheet!
    Luckily where I live, they garnish the salaries of deadbeats because he also started out by not paying what little he was had to for the first 6 months after the agreement was made. In the end he paid one of the $220 a month for 3 years too long (after my eldest finished university and until she turned 25) because a new court order is required to remove the garnish and he didn’t initiate anything since he wanted me to do it. Like I would pay the lawyer & court costs to stop getting the money? I may be a chump but I’m not that chumpy!

    • I don’t even bother seeking half medical co-pays, etc. from X; NC is worth the price of admission. He refused to contribute anymore to DD15’s college fund because she isn’t speaking to him.

      My X, too, claimed that he was “still supporting me” because he pays child support.

      It’s all about them.

  • My story is well known enough to probably be a bore to most of you, but briefly:

    Ex quit his $100K job within eight weeks of our separation, and wrote a letter to my attorney saying he was going to “pursue his dream of becoming an actor.”

    It’s been 6.5 years since then, and ex has not held a full-time, legitimate, long-term job since then. He foreclosed on our marital home years ago and declared bankruptcy, both of those hit MY credit report as well. He eventually basically became homeless, moving from place to place — whatever relative, friend or acquaintance would let him crash on their couch or in their guest room. He doesn’t even own a car any longer.

    He owes me more than $41K in child support and spousal support arrears, but the local child support agency just wrote off $13K of that because they say they will no longer pursue spousal support arrears. Ex never paid half of son’s medical expenses as was required.

    Ex works under the table and moves around a lot. I report this to the child support agency all the time, they do absolutely nothing. If there is any more useless government agency than the Department of Child Support Services, I can’t imagine what it would be.

    Mine can serve as a cautionary tale, because if your ex is willing to go as far as mine, they are going to get away with never paying you what they owe, and there will be no consequences.

  • Here are a couple of “fun” deadbeat stories:

    Ex told me that his picking up and dropping off our son for weekly dinner visitations (this was a ONE MILE drive) counted for his half of son’s $5200 braces.

    Ex once sent me a support check (he used to make partial payments, at least) and apparently it bounced when I deposited it and he got hit with a fee. He sent our son an enraged text message saying that he was going to deduct the fee out of next support check. I told son to remind ex that he was already thousands of dollars behind in child support. Didn’t hear about it again.

    Shortly after son turned 18, he asked his dad for $20 to get a haircut. Ex went off on a tirade telling son that he was an adult now and had better get a job to pay for his own haircuts. Mind you, ex had been intentionally unemployed for several years at this point and was living by mooching off his family.

    • Similar loser, Glad.

      X suddenly lost his job when we went to court for our divorce. His child support was “temporarily” reduced 45% for two of our three sons. Our third son chose to live with him which lasted exactly 5 months.

      A year later, I lost my full time job and asked him to start paying the full amount due. Now with three kids in my care, he refused. I took him to court and he had to pay me $3000 in back support, but got his permanent child support reduced 35% from the original amount.

      Did I mention he had been to Las Vegas, Jamaica, Florida and Virginia on week long vacations with his bimbo? And that he has two homes, two cars, a deep-pocketed bimbo funding his puttering and a big trust fund?

      Still unemployed. It’s been four years. Cries poormouth when he takes them out and can’t afford to buy them a freaking burger for dinner.

  • Okay, I just thought of one more thing I needed to add. My ex refuses to call our daughter because he likes to control the situation. So, he keeps giving her one of his business cards with his number circled on it and demands that she call him. She’s only 5 years old!

    • Cricket – I think your ex-husband has a mental disorder. No one in their right mind would think of doing that to a 5 year old. He’s not firing on all cylinders and is mentally off. Something definitely wrong with him, as he lacks common sense and judgment.

      • Yes, I’m pretty sure he has a mental disorder. He has been cancelling weekends with our kids which I’m totally okay with. The less he is around them, the better. I’m hoping he will eventually just go away……my kids will be better off.

        • Definitely disordered. Destroyed your wedding dress, stole kid’s Legos, and badmouthing your daughter plus this? Sorry Cricket. Stay mighty.

  • Another deadbeat cheater story from 30 yrs ago – my son’s father (Cheater #2 of 3), who thank god I never married, left the state to live with OW when son was 18 months. He then took me to court for custody and sank his own boat by firing two lawyers and representing himself, and argued he should have full custody because, well just because. Unemployed, living at the beach. While I had a full-time professional job. So the judge awarded me custody, gave him limited visitation and ordered that he pay $150/month child support and half the court costs. Proceeded to have three more kids with OWife , but never paid a dime for his first son.

    I figured it would be more painful than it was worth to try to collect, but never told him that – just let him stew thinking the boom was going to fall someday. Get this – my son comes home from a visit when he was three years old and says “Mommy, please don’t send my daddy to jail.” Words he never heard from me. Monster AND a deadbeat.

  • As a guy who does have 100 percent custody of four kids, here are my thoughts.

    My current situation in brief. I let ex off at mediation (court ordered in my case) with zero support in exchange that she had to pay all of the supervision center fees until she got a new job. Since I did make the larger income, I got most of the assets that still existed (she sold a lot of them) and most of the debts. She got married 4 days later, pregnant 6 weeks later, and a new job 60 days later. When we filed to start making her pay child support, she stopped seeing the kids and she continued the hearing until she had the baby. After having the baby, she couldn’t work because she was once again busy being a stay at home mom. Judge deviated from child support guidelines by 50 percent and did not back date it to the filing since she had no income at the current time. A year later, I have collected one forth of one weeks payment and the hearing to discuss why she is not current is scheduled for the end of December.

    Points to make:
    1) The current system is gender biased. Simply put, the fact that I got full custody in my state leaves everyone asking, “what did she do”. A few people still refuse to believe that the mother can do anything wrong so that I am being spied on my multiple neighbors (details show up in court documents), old friends refuse to speak to me, my daughter had to change girl scout troops because the moms refused to speak to me, etc etc etc. I sincerely doubt child support would be reduced by 50 percent from imputed income levels for any man because he was not working. It is possible for a man to win but it takes EXTREME situations to do it. To be blunt, it was 6 weeks before anyone looked at my evidence at all. Once they looked at my evidence things started to turn around but it took 9 months of fighting to get to mediation.
    2) The system is designed to limit the amount of conflict there is, by sheer exhaustion if nothing else. Auditing what the custodial parent gets means there is another thing to fight about and investigate so they are not going to do it. I would be happy to document it since her payments (if they were made) would almost cover before and after school care much less everything else but she would still argue if it was appropriate no matter what.
    3) Enforcement is expensive. Yes they should be enforced but for every person who should be in jail for non-payment, there is a person who literally can’t pay, and that would be an injustice. The cheaters will always game the system, no matter how it is designed.
    4) So possible remedies, as much as I hate government programs, now is when we may need one. A) Allow more information to be publicly shared if one of the parties agrees to it. Until recently, it was impossible to get any independent facts about my case so I know a lot of people who didn’t know who to believe. Public shaming on non-payers my be appropriate. Public statements as to why they do not have custody may be appropriate. Yes, I know the arguments that the facts being public may harm the kids, I do not have any good answers as to where it will harm the kids and when the truth will help the kids. B) Have the state give the child support payments to the custodial parent and then collect from the non-custodial parent, yes this gives the state great power to be intrusive. C) Have the aforementioned state agency have the power to audit where the money is going, also it allows for an intrusive agency but it is better than no accountability and having the crazy ex ask 20,000 questions.
    5) These suggestions are not going to happen any time soon, so we do the best we can. Some days it is easier to accept injustice than others. I pray to be better at that.

    Thanks,

    Freeholder

    • Freeholder, I don’t buy that the current system is gender biased toward women. Studies confirm that the majority of fathers do not go to bat for custody and women do. The courts generally fall to the 50/50 custody arrangement unless someone fights for more. What you experienced in not getting support after winning full custody is what many parents experience when dealing with an asshole ex. Male/Female seems to make no difference and child support services don’t really care. As for people asking you ‘what did she do’ and shunning you…I consider that a good thing, you know who has integrity and who does not, you can disassociate from the assholes. I’m sorry it impacted your kids scout troop but I consider that a bit of a win also, you don’t want such people teaching your children. Jedi Hugs!

      • I will admit that you there is a chance you are right.These are the facts that I do know from my experience. I do know that most attorneys in my area have never seen a father get what I managed to get. I also know that it took getting chief counsel of CPS involved before CPS would review my evidence against her. I do know that her income was imputed at one level and then child support was reduced in half because she was a stay at home mom. Now points in favor of your arguments, the CPS person was terminated after chief counsel got involved and I did not have any problems from the other two people assigned during the divorce. I can see the argument that the Judge was giving her enough rope to hang herself by reducing the child support in half. Most of the people who got involved after my evidence was started to be reviewed were balanced but I do feel that first 6 weeks after D Day were very biased against me and that placed a huge hurdle to overcome. Custody started out at 12 hours a week after 2 weeks of not seeing them at all. After starting to review my evidence, it went to every other weekend, 2 months later. How many of those fathers who do not pursue custody are told that overcoming that hurdle is almost impossible and it will cost you $50,000 (not kidding about that number)? It is impossible to know how much that throws the numbers off but I believe that it does shift them somewhat. I decided that my ex was dangerous enough that I would fight no matter what the cost. If she was at all saner, I would have pursued a much closer to 50/50 custody. If 1/3rd of the people involved are biased, then how much does that shift your numbers also. I am also open to the argument that there are people in the system biased against the mother but that has not been my experience or what I have heard from others in the field (male and female) You are right in the disassociating part but I would love for there to be some way for a neutral observer who doesn’t know the facts to find them out without having to deal with one of us.

        • Yes, Datum – perhaps men don’t fight hard enough for custody of their kids. I don’t know why or why not.
          So, yes, the numbers are probably pretty skewed as a result of more mothers getting more custody.
          And, I think society wrongly believe that most kids are better off with their mothers.
          NOT FAIR!

          I do agree with Freeholder.
          I’ve seen many men not getting their 50% with the kids.
          Well, they often do bring in the bigger paycheck or travel a lot on business (mostly men)….so, they get screwed out of the 50% thing.

          I’m sure glad we didn’t have kids!!!!!!

          • Freeholder – I just read your original post.
            What a nightmare you’ve been through and you make so man excellent points.
            I can’t imagine why YOU’D be ostracized by the community.
            I makes no sense if you won full custody of your four kids.
            And, yep – I admit I ALWAYS look at the mother who has no custody and wonder what kind of a monster must SHE be!
            I just assume the father doesn’t have it because it’s the system who awards the mother most of the custody, where I’m from.

            You are mighty, Man! I applaud you winning that difficult case.
            Another reason to document, document, document.

            • She tells a very convincing story. (Like most of the other cheaters here, I am still not sure if she ever actually cheated although I know what I suspect. If she didn’t go all the way, she came very very close. Her crimes that I could document are much much crazier). It takes work to find the holes in the story and most people will not do the work unless the evidence is handed to them on a silver platter. Others are people who are projecting their issues to the situation. (Something else she is very good at exploiting).

              • Freeholder – ‘If she didn’t go all the way, she came very very close.’

                But, I’m not sure anybody can be very very close without losing that last bit of horny satisfaction.
                I know I couldn’t! (in all honesty)

  • My narc exhole not only f***ed me over, he also screwed our daughter. Although custody was joint, darling daughter *chose* to live with her Dad and howorker Schmoopie, even be his ‘best man’ at their wedding–really!
    So’s of course I end up paying child support, rarely if ever seeing my daughter who lived twenty minutes away because Daddy dearest convinced her how ‘abusive, mentally ill and raging alcoholic’ I supposedly was. (at the time I opened a small medical business which always took in a profit, increasing each year, but I was ‘crazy’ and deficient—yet how did I keep a sole proprietor medical office going?)
    Anyhow, before his very public fall from grace, ex was employed by a local C- grade college that offered free tuition to children of employees. The college was gracious enough not to fire him for his continued indiscretions with new howorkers (and this is after he married the first one, lol!) until my daughter graduated from said college tuition free and with me continuing child support (as well as purchasing books, her laptop, paying school fees etc.,) This was despite the fact I never saw my child but maybe two or three times a year and it was always snarky and nasty, with her parroting the very words I’d heard out of exhole’s mouth before I’d just had enough of his brand of shit sandwich.
    Well, now that kiddo is more mature, able to see some of the truth about her father, we are rebuilding our relationship (yay! but a challenge) Come to find out that he coerced her into signing on a $23000 student loan (?Parent Plus?) which she is now responsible for paying—the kid’s barely employed–but she said her Dad told her if she didn’t take out the loan, he wouldn’t ‘allow’ her to attend the college where he worked as Dean of Admissions. As if!!! Though he cosigned the loan, my daughter’s credit would be destroyed if she defaulted.
    Even more ironic is the fact that my late Father had invested quite generously in a 529 plan, despite her complete disregard of him as a grandfather or relative, along with the rest of my extended family. We’re looking into whether some of that money can go to pay her Daddy’s lifestyle loan, as my daughter certainly never saw any of that money, nor were child support funds given to her appropriately.

    I can only laugh now that he *works* as an educational consultant, is likely to default on his mortgage, and has nothing better to do than stalk around on social media all day.

    One thing I can’t abide is how he used his own child to fund his fancy lifestyle–always the best hotels, many vacas, matching Mercedes in the driveway—just unconscionable

    • Also sucks for my daughter that she will have less money in her education fund for graduate school in Psychology! (apple:tree–I’m a psychdoc)

  • My charmer wasn’t particularly deadbeat towards me or his daughter. However, he has not done his taxes in over 5 years. It doesn’t affect me because we did not marry (though have house and kid). I am sure in some of the years that he is owed money, so there is no real reason for him not to do them. He just refuses to get them done. He is at the point where he will not be getting a refund for some of the years he is owed money as his claims are now too old.

    He also routinely ignores things like traffic tickets. As a result, he often gets scary looking letters from the City stating that his tickets have accrued a stupid amount of extra fines. All needless and something I never understood.

  • My ho-lover used marital funds to buy prostitutes. That was bad. Yes, he sucked. What was really bad was how he treated his heroin addicted whores. Most of them were homeless and/or possibly victims of human trafficking. He would would set up debit card accounts for these “girls” and only put money into the accounts if they would obey him and do all kinds of vulgar sick things. He would also take money out of the accounts if they didn’t obey him. I used to monitor his bank account. I also could read all text messages (real time) between him and the street whores. It was so sick. It was abusive actually. All the while he maintained his VP-of-a-large-bank-I’m-a-great-normal-nice-guy image. I was happy to remove his I-have-a-great-wife-and-a-happy-marriage-image and get out!!!

    • Yikes!

      I’ve reached the conclusion that Johns are a version of slave owner: sex is transactional and there is a power imbalance in favor of the master. There is no way you can purchase sex and still value women (or whomever). It’s a sick power trip based in misogyny or racism or sexism.

      In the case of x, all of those applied. He spent all of our savings trying to buy his twu wuv, fifteen-year-old Filipina sex worker because she is “the only woman who’s ever understood me.”

      He saw absolutely nothing amiss about this. Except maybe the money. The amount of money (too high), not the fact that he was trying to purchase a human from another (Romanian) human.

      It’s been one year. My head is still blown. I really, really want to stop thinking about this shit so much but I’m stuck in incredulity.

      • I know, Roaring–even after most of the pain and anguish had ended, I was obsessed, “How could someone do this to someone else?” Knowing my X wasn’t the only deceptive fuckwit in the world didn’t help, it merely increased my incredulity. [If it helps, the 24/7 incredulity does start to wane to only 6 hours a day.]

  • My first husband (not a cheater but a conman nonetheless) ran for domestic court judge in his community last year.

    He hardly ever paid child support – a constant battle (since he left when daughter was three months old).

    He also didn’t contribute to daughter’s college education. He has a second family (one child with severe disabilities), a yacht, a vacation home, and all the nicest things.

    He was under investigation because he hasn’t paid income taxes in years despite being a prosecutor and paid by his community.

    He’s presently prosecuting a case where a father shot his own daughter. Ex#1 made an impassioned opening statement about “fathers protecting and caring for their daughters – how he would do anything for his own girls blah blah blah.”

    SMH.

    PS X (the creeper) was angry with me that now-adult daughter hasn’t contacted him since D-day. I told him, she already has one shitty dad. He narrowed his eyes and muttered, “I wasn’t a shitty dad.”

    He fucks little girls.

    Nobody seems to recognize their own behavior. SMH again and again.

        • He would come home enraged if a defense attorney or witness lied in court, but lying to me about his cheating and ho-worker? Not a problem.

        • At one point, my deadbeat, homeless, bankrupt, unemployed and house foreclosed ex was advertising his services as a motivational speaker who spoke about financial topics. Some of these freaks are totally delusional. Some, just evil.

          • Yes, this! Exhole publicly fired from two high profile jobs in Higher Ed for misappropriation of funds and f***ing around with ho-workers, foreclosure looming despite all the misappropriation of marital and children’s educational fund resources, lists him self as *Dean Emeritus* on his CV, claims to have studied closely with the President of no less than Harvard U–a boldfaced lie, I’d love to bring it to her attention—and advertises as an educational consultant in admissions and financial aid. Scary stuff.

  • I haven’t read all the posts yet. But I will agree that deadbeats don’t need kids to be named as such.
    What I did see was that narcissistic child-adults use, use and use. The Fucktard I married when I was young and foolish and hopeful never wanted children. He promised me one, but spent the ensuing years explaining how I was inadequate to do for him and a child. He was right. No one could tap dance for that asshat 24/7 and care for a vulnerable young life too. In the end, I halfway insisted that he should come through on his promise. His response was to explain that I was now too old, and he wasn’t going to deal with a kid in college when he was retired. HA!

    But in the interim, he liked things 50/50 in finances. I was 9 years younger and never earned but just over half what he did. But I had to pay 50% of the household bills. And I had to pay my student loans and car payments as well. I had to shop for, and pay for half, and wrap and send all the holiday gifts. When I pointed out that 2/3 of the gifts were on his list and 1/3 on mine, he laughed. In short, he kept me barefoot and not pregnant, and the only thing I am pleased about is that I didn’t have to raise his spawn.

  • This isn’t really a deadbeat story, more like a rather Lame moment.

    I should have figured something was up about his control issues when he ‘proposed’ to me.
    We were driving and he said, “Look, since I’ve got a new job across the country, and I want you to go with me as my wife.”
    And, if you don’t agree, ‘Then I never want to see you again’.
    (no ring, of course, and his eyes were on the road)

    Umm…ultimate much?
    Romantic much?
    I should have listened to my gut those 36 yrs ago.
    He changed to a control freak after we married – doh, wonder what I was thinking.

    • SheChump, hindsight is a wonderful thing. If only we knew then what we know now !! It certainly would have saved us a lot of heartache.

      • Maree – ‘SheChump, hindsight is a wonderful thing. If only we knew then what we know now !! It certainly would have saved us a lot of heartache.’

        Truer words could not be spoken, Maree.

        The first day I moved into our newlywed apartment, supposedly happy as honeymooners, he changed.
        And, wanted to control me.
        Locked me out of the house when I tried to jump out of the car during a terrible fight. (no, he wasn’t violent – just trying to control an uncontrollable person (me) who wanted to jump out of the car in the raging rain.
        When he finally let me in the house, I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life.
        I was 1200 miles away from my family in a new country.
        I thought it was just us against the world!

        He finally wore me down in the control dept.
        He was a bully, pure and simple.

    • “And, if you don’t agree, ‘Then I never want to see you again’.
      (no ring, of course, and his eyes were on the road)”

      SheChump – omg, thank you so much for sharing this. This confirms I did the right decision by dumping an ex boyfriend of mine. Your post resonated with me. It made me recall a situation with my boyfriend that made my skin crawl. He was an amateur golfer wanting to turn Pro golfer (which he never did btw). One day, out of the blue as we were driving somewhere, he blurts out that he wants us to get married, and we’d move to Florida shortly thereafter and I’d automatically quit my job, so I could follow him around while he toured (shitty) town while he put all his energy trying to turn PRO golfer. My head started spinning.

      Let me get this straight, I’m going to give up my professional job, my career, my home, my friends, and everything I’d ever accomplished, so I could help him achieve his goals. F- that. I dumped him shortly after because I thought he was so controlling. And he contacted me years later telling me he was still thinking of me. I didn’t respond to him. But reading this made me realize how I dodged a huge bullet!

      • Kellia – ‘Let me get this straight, I’m going to give up my professional job, my career, my home, my friends, and everything I’d ever accomplished, so I could help him achieve his goals. F- that.’

        I had a great job and moving up in the oil industry in Canada during the 70’s and paid very well already at 20 yrs old.
        He had just graduated 5 yrs of college at 22 with 2 degrees. I was impressed but I made a whole lot more money at the time.
        I left my family, my job and all my friends to a town I’d never heard of in my life.
        On the west coast – we were prairie farmers at heart. As was he.
        Big challenge to adjust to a big city for him.
        He NEEDED a wife for the transition.

        I thought it was the oddest proposal/ultimatum I’d ever heard.
        My mother always said he was a VERY RIGID man, to make him sound nice.
        Rigid = very controlling.

        It’s funny what you see in hind-sight, and always listen to your mother!

        However, once you’re under the thumb that young, it’s amazing what you adjust to.
        It’s called, Their Life and Wants.

        • “He NEEDED a wife for the transition.”

          I can’t believe this. He wouldn’t have been able to make the move in on his own. What a wimp!

          It was the same in my situation, where my boyfriend was up my ass to move to Florida, and he incessantly harped on me about me. Let’s move, let’s move, let’s move. Fast forward 4 years later, he still hasn’t moved to Florida on his own, is in the same town he was living in when he met me. Meanwhile, I moved to my dream city and bought my own place. He needed a wife for the transition. Well, too bad so sad. I didn’t need a husband for my transition and moved all on my own, while he is stuck in his hometown wasting away. Ugh, I don’t regret my decision at all.

          • Kellia – ‘“He NEEDED a wife for the transition.”

            I totally commend you for having the intuition to trust your gut.
            You definitely dodged a bullet.
            It was the first sign of control I saw, and, btw – at the time, I did NOT want to get married.
            I was in my young 20’s, but, alas, he was a hoover and I was in love.

            And, yes, he was moving hundreds of miles from his dear mother and needed another one at the destination.

            • Thank you SheChump. I can’t believe these men who are incapable of adult living on their own. You were in your early 20s and at the age, you did the best you could for the circumstances and at that time. Hugs to you.

  • My ex and I both earn about $75,000 a year. He is supposed to have our 4 children, I think 22% for visitation. He takes only 2 of them about half of the time he’s supposed to. He is court-ordered to pay $330/month. His wages are garnished bc he went almost a year without sending a dime. The CS amount is so pathetic that I don’t even bother to deposit it until I have a couple of months worth of checks saved up. To really illustrate how ridiculous it is: his contribution toward the upbringing of our 14yo Nike-loving daughter is $10 per month. She costs more than that for one meal.

  • My story may be getting redundant on here, but couldn’t pass up the chance to share what a deadbeat my cheater-ex is. He needs some kind of cape and crown for being the worst deadbeat ever. Here are just a few of his highlights:

    * Took $170,000.00 out of our retirement account after I filed. Never had to pay me back.

    * Two days after telling him I was done and having him leave the house for good, he came home to pack his office. When I took his laptop and told him I needed to have it looked at to make sure the kids and I were safe, he threw me head first into a cement pot in our entryway and broke my nose in two places. Violence had never been a part of our relationship. He was charged with two felonies. I had to pay for half of his criminal defense, since we were still legally married. I also had to pay for half of his $25,000.00 treatment that the court ordered him to get.

    * We bought a car for our then 16 year old son’s birthday, but cheater-ex insisted that the title be in his name. After leaving the country, he canceled my son’s car insurance, which he was court ordered to pay until my son graduated from college. We now cannot insure the car, since our names are not on the title. My son and I have shared my car for the last 8 months, while my son’s car sits uninsured in my garage.

    * I had been a stay-at-home mom for 23 years before filing for divorce. I was awarded close to $1.5m in the divorce, since cheater-x made a lot of money. He disappeared out of the country about a year ago, most likely to Costa Rica, and does not pay a penny. I can’t file contempt, since we can’t find him to serve the papers. Tens of thousands spent on attorney’s fees with no results.

    * He is king deadbeat dad and king deadbeat ex-husband. I decided about a year ago that I couldn’t be financially dependent on a “sex-addicted”, narcissistic, sociopath. Sold my house, started grad school, and am starting over. So not easy, but feeling free.

    • oh my god, walls will sing.
      This is a horrific recounting of a terrible terrible man.
      I can’t imagine how much you suffered with all of this deadbeat.

      I think you win the Prize – nice price, I know.
      So sorry.

      • Thanks, SheChump –

        This is definitely not a prize I want to win, but your comment made me laugh!! When I was at my first residency for my grad school program, the feedback from one colleague was, “you appear to have lived such a ‘charmed’ life that clients may have a hard time relating their problems to you”. It was all I could do to not spout at her…. “you think a husband of 25 years who spent $100k on hookers, stole the retirement, disappeared to not pay alimony and 2 bouts of brain cancer is charmed????” My residency was not the place to tell my story, so I respectfully just listened to the feedback. Blah….

        Reading all of the stories of CN make me realize we all have hurtful and unbelievable stories. While none of us can say we have “charmed” lives, boy, are we all mighty!!!

    • Just terrible. I’m glad you shared but fear your X sets the gold standard in the deadbeat category! Especially since he has so much money. Oh! And the violence is unforgivable. So sorry. You are so mighty. Stay strong.

      • Thanks, neverwouldhaveimagined!

        If we ever find him, maybe an olympic style deadbeat gold medal would be a nice investment for him! You’re so right that the violence is unforgivable. As a future counselor, I am going to warn my clients that violence can happen after you tell them it’s over, even when it has never been part of the relationship. I had no idea. The crazy realization is that the betrayal is so much harder to heal from than the violence or brain cancer was. I think that’s a testament to how devastating betrayal trauma is. We’re all mighty!

  • I want to share some child support karma, or consequences anyway. My Cheater#1 who I was married to for 12 years and is the father of our three children, all now adults, never liked working very much; in fact that was the real reason I left him though his online cheating was the trigger. In the 10 years we lived together (separated the last two before divorce), he must have quit about 10 different jobs. Always some excuse, usually the “boss was an asshole” and wouldn’t listen to Ex’s ideas about how to run their business.

    After divorce he moved 1000 miles away. Of course he and new wife own a house which is solely in her name. And for the past ten years he has owed me $10,000 in unpaid child support. Periodically, I suppose when he (rarely) got an income tax refund, (because he rarely had income, or always worked under the table), I would get a small garnishment deposited into my bank account. Challenged custody twice, requiring me to pay even more legal fees than the initial $10K for the divorce itself (which had gone to a full trial). All money that could have gone to our kids!! but instead was spent on legal fees; on 1/3 of my income (which he would have gotten if he had full custody), he could have lived quite nicely without EVER having to work at ALL. Which I am eternally convinced is the only reason he wanted custody. Half the time he didn’t even have a place for them to sleep when they were with him, and then he ditched them anyway to move 1000 miles away. And blamed me for that.

    Of course he didn’t help with college expenses for these now successful, talented kids. I paid our family contribution out of pocket and cosigned their student loans. And the measly $80 a month for three kids that the system DID manage to get out of him during the times that he was working was just a drop in the bucket. He also once asked me to lie on my income tax returns and claim the kids lived with him most of the time so he could get the Earned Income Credit.

    Honestly I never resented being the sole financial support for my kids because I did that for them because I loved them and wanted them to have a safe, happy home, and opportunities. So I gave up on the $10,000 in child support arrears.

    About six months ago I was looking at a bank statement from a checking account I didn’t use anymore. I noticed some deposits I didn’t remember making. Dug a little further and learned that upon my lifelong freeloading work-avoiding Ex’s recent “retirement” and application for Social Security benefits, the government was now garnishing the child support arrears from his Social Security checks! And it was not a small monthly amount! OMG and hallelujah. And this continues till the $10,000 is paid in full. Researched it and found that if a “retiree” (I say that in quotes because really, retired from what??? hardly really worked!! for 30 years !!!) owes more than $1200 in child support arrears it will be garnished at the maximum level provided for by law from their monthly check.

    Though that day may be a long way off for some of you custodial parent chumps, I just wanted to share this little bit of knowledge. It really made me happy to find that there was at least this little bit of financial justice.

    • Ok Muse – this totally made my day! WOOT!

      ‘Though that day may be a long way off for some of you custodial parent chumps, I just wanted to share this little bit of knowledge. It really made me happy to find that there was at least this little bit of financial justice.’

      Serendipity always shows up, just like karma. 🙂

    • “if a “retiree” (I say that in quotes because really, retired from what??? hardly really worked!! for 30 years !!!) owes more than $1200 in child support arrears it will be garnished at the maximum level provided for by law from their monthly check.”
      Wow, I never knew this! Good to know that in 15 years or so, maybe I’ll get some of the arrears owed to me after all! And the best thing about it is how bad it will burn ex’s ass if it happens.

  • My xh told me, via his lawyer, to tell our newly minted 18 year old to “get a job” to pay for her own groceries.
    He refused to even consider supporting her – as he took all liquid assets and moved in with OW. He also sent “no contact letters” to both his daughters (because the were not happy for him and OW.) He was only going to deal with them if they accepted his “love”.

    Now, 2 years later – he begs for attention from them. They are better at NC than I. One graduation, one medical school entry and one daughters wedding later – with “Dear old dad not invited, wanted not welcome”, maybe he is figuring out what his theft/cheapness really mean.
    No family. no daughters. no future grandkids. I hope a few thousand dollars and his girlfriend was worth it…

    • I am glad your daughters are standing their ground and making him see the consequences for abandoning his family. How callous and cowardly of him to treat his own children that way. Your daughters are mighty. I can’t believe he sent No Contact letters to his daughters. I would never talk to him ever again. That is so rejecting, cruel and mean on the part of their father. Incredibly hurtful. He’s a jackass. I admire your daughters for shutting him out. He’s an asshole, all because he wanted to satisfy his dick at the time.

    • The Limited’s response to assisting his adult daughter when she was homeless and in dire need of help was to tell her siblings that she’s on her own. He was deliberate in telling them to abandone her as she wasn’t worthy of their concern.

      He’s the deadbeat who took her to numerous other women’s homes while she was young.

      Abandonment from a deadbeat. She’s doing amazingly now. Fuck him and his tiny useless dick.

  • I got a child support check a while back for $.01. Yes, one cent! I will NEVER cash that check!

    When I took him back to court for an adjustment for child support, it came out that he had not filed a tax return for the last several years. The judge said he was in whole lot more trouble just because of that!

    He took S12 on vacation camping to a water park for 5 days and had the balls to ask me to pay for half of the expenses! WTF!! I couldn’t afford to go on vacation, yet he expected me to pay for half of HIS vacation?!

  • Well with two cheating fuckwit exes, there are a few tales to tell. Cheating ex #1 was a lifelong deadbeat. He paid exactly $300 one time for child support. That was it. Saw his son one time and then decided it “hurt” to much to see his son ever again. That was fine with me. A violent, drug addict, cheater father is much better absent from their child’s life. And when cheater ex #2 wanted to adopt my eldest son, cheater ex #1 happily signed on the dotted line.

    Ah, cheater ex #2. Insisted on handling the family finances and drove us into bankruptcy. I now know he was financing his affair. During the last 2 years of the marriage, I went back to school, worked full time nights, paid my own tuition, fees, plus helped support the family (and I now know, schmoopie), plus did most of the parenting, all the housework, cooking, and laundry. He meanwhile was scamming his parents telling them they were paying for my nursing school. Guess who was spending their money?

    When I took my kids and left, he quit his lucrative job and took a job as a janitor to avoid paying much in child support. It backfired on him big time though, schmoopie dumped him, telling him straight out he wasn’t making enough money to suit her. Yup, true love there.

    I meanwhile finished nursing school and passed my boards. When I got a job, he had the gall to whine that I was supposed to put him through college. This from a man who had demonized me to anyone who would listen for years, who told me he was thinking about killing my children, myself and himself (that’s when we left), and who tried every dirty trick he could think of to destroy me. He was unhappy to have lost his cash cow.

    The judge awarded me $236 per month child support, which came directly from his check. You should have heard him whine then.

    Boy, I’ll tell you, my boys and I, we were really living it up on that vast sum. Ah, the memories! All that time on the Riviera, the trips overseas, the junkets to Rio and luxury hotels! I could go on and on ……sigh!

    In the end, he paid a little over two years child support. He would have ultimately been on the hook for only four more years, and that would have been it. Sadly, he chose another, more evil route to avoid child support.

  • I threw my husband out of the home upon finding out about his affair. He had been released from Federal Prison 6 months prior. He was on parole and had to stay in the area. My daughter offered to take him in till he got on his feet and the divorce final. My daughter lived to regret that choice.
    My husband had told me he could not work because he was disabled. He had filed for Disability in 2002. It was now 2011. He had been refused Disability many times. I would not support him so he had to work. My daughter got him a job. For being disabled he put in double shifts the whole work week. He did this to fly his OW from Tx to Wis about every 5 wks. My daughter asked for help with the rent. She never got a dime and he was there for 13 months. However he did pay for a trip for him, the OW and her 4 kids to Six Flags of Tx. He also paid 800 dollars for a bracelet for her.
    My daughter asked him to at least help with the food purchases. He bought a loaf of bread and threw it on her table. Said, “here I paid for some food.” That was all he bought in the 13 months he lived with her, her daughter and boyfriend.
    My daughter had enough and told him to get out when the divorce was final. She was at work when he left. He went to their garage and stole a bunch of tools before heading out. Then he had the nerve to call her from Tx and ask her to fill his methadone prescription and mail it to him. The state of Tx wouldn’t fill the prescription since it originated in Wis. He had been in prison for selling his pain meds to an under cover person working for the FEDs
    My daughter married in 2014. Her father never attended though he was invited. The invite did not include the OW. He put no money into the large wedding nor did he help with any of the arrangements. He did not send a gift or card to the newly weds. My son walked his sister down the aisle.
    My daughter learned the hard way about her father. He had no trouble walking away from his children and never seeing them again. It has now been 5 yrs since the divorce. He has never sent a gift or card for any holiday to his children or grandchild. He does not call them. They are blocked from his sites on the NET. He has dropped off the ends of the Earth. This is probably a good thing. I guess I’m saying it’s better to rip the band aid off in one quick rip then to keep tugging at it and reopening the cuts.
    As a mother this pains me. I see their hurt. But if he was around their lives he’d be using them for his own gain. If anything it gives them an idea on how not to live your life. There are people out there who never know real love and commitment. They are empty shells. As always, judge by actions not their words.

  • Sarah

    I so wish I could post a picture of the classless whore with a voice recording.

    She fucks married men and has an arrest record. All I can say is that she was ever the whore. She is ugly with sagging tits and a mans raspy voice. She was thrown out and told NOT to go to my daughters work.

    Mistress sounds sexy and edgy yet as with the writer of the article they are depositories for the disordered.

    I’m better looking, have more class, morals and intelligence than anyone he scraped off a barstool. It’s laughable isn’t it? A relationship with a whore bought him a life of misery with a mentally ill used up whore who fucks whatever the stool next to her delivers. Haha. Laughing from the sidelines as he’s still screwing around. Who wants a cheater?

    • “…depositories for the disordered” hahaha! There aren’t enough depositories on the planet for my ex–he got bored quickly. When I commented on his magically self-replenishing stash of lesbian butt porn he whined, “Well they always look so…*happy*!” You know, because I didn’t. Always look so happy. Living with a lying jerk.

      And here I was searching for evidence that they don’t change. Sometimes the mind plays tricks, even though I know better. Finding out they were married was the last blow–and she’s just unavailable enough to keep him interested. But it will be something, eventually. He’ll need two, or maybe her best friend. But this chick would likely be the one to suggest it. Maybe he can hide it or maybe he’s found his equal, whatever that is. But I don’t think you can undo all that crazy…it will have to leak out somewhere.

      And ok maybe the author did mean “instance” but she’s still a depository for the disordered. Thank you DM?!

  • The most obvious way XH was a deadbeat was in his refusal to seriously look for work and hold a job after his employer of 17 years went out of business. I created a resume for him and helped him look for work. I helped him fill out applications and accompanied him to interviews. His duration at any job was between 2 weeks to 3 months before he would quit. He once told me he was fired from a job but the boss told me he quit. I stopped helping him look for work after he made a female friend in a workplace. He talked about her all the time but said he wasn’t attracted to her/didn’t have feelings for her because she was ugly. One night he invited her and her boyfriend over to meet me and I was horrified by the way he and this woman (who was ugly) stared at each other and only talked to each other. I heard XH say her name about 100 times in half an hour. He was very animated. Neither made any effort to include me or her boyfriend (who looked devastated) in the conversation. It was obvious to me that XH was having an emotional affair. When I told my divorce lawyer about this when he asked about XH’s work history, I said to him, “I think that was just an emotional affair.” My divorce lawyer didn’t say anything but he gave me a very skeptical look that made me feel like a gullible fool.

    But a bigger way XH was a deadbeat was the way he welshed on his obligation to me. He married me which meant I had an absolute right to his fidelity. It didn’t matter if he thought she was sexier or prettier. It didn’t matter if he felt he loved her and hated me. It didn’t matter that he didn’t want to have sex with me and desired her. The bottom line was I was his wife and him cheating on me made him a treacherous traitor toward me.

  • Just to add something: In Eastern Europe (I won’t name the country), the alimony is taken straight from daddy’s paycheck, at the employer side. 25% for 1 child, 30% for 2 children etc. That’s the law! Something along the lines: “you made a kid, you are responsible and we keep you accountable.”
    Now of course there’s a lot of fiddling with the employment status, but in most cases, it works.

  • My son’s father and I were over before he was born. By the time court decided it was time to collect they thought it fine to start the support at 8 months old. WAIT WHAT??? I finally got the judge to back date it to 3 months old. Guess he felt the the ex bought a pack of diapers in 3 months and that was support enough.. smh. After we finally got the support enforced the ex met a new girl and went mia. Got passed that I told him he need to make better visitation arrangements and not just stop by when he was in the neighborhood. Told him to set it up thru the court. Over month later asked for a visit. Finally set up court so we could get it regulated, I’m setting boundaries I didn’t set before, and after 2 months has only asked for him 3 times totaling 6.5 hrs. Yet tells everyone I won’t let him see his son. I have documented everything. Saved text messages. And still even with me offering extra time and days says he is too busy or out of town. Hmm new girlfriend became priority over his child. Smh. Btw I send toys, food, bottles, etc every visit because he’s broke. He had money for a weekend at the Dell’s but not for diapers… I’m over the douchbag but when will the bitterness go away. Shit sandwich the judge gave me was hard enough to swallow. Because 2 months with no income on maternity leave with no support is a huge slap in the face. I was waiting for the judge to pay the idiot on his back. Ugh

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